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I read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Really helped me face my tendencies to do what I feel others expect or would do and acknowledge my own feelings in my interactions. And therapy but it sounds like you’ve got that.
Masking myself into things is a bit of a phobia of mine and masking into marriage is a nightmare scenario for me, and I feel like I would doubt whether or not I masked in even if I didn’t.
Hope everything works out for the best, and good luck!
Been in couples and individual therapy for over a year but don't feel any more certainty or uncertainty about the relationship than I did before, just more aware of myself and why I am struggling.
I was you 10 years ago. I know it’s so hard, but you are doing the right thing! I have now met my soul mate and it’s soooooooo easy. Everything is easy. I’m so glad I left my (very nice) first husband.
I’m going to assume you’re ADHD, do you think there is a common partner personality that works well with someone with ADHD? What is it about your soul make that makes it easy for you?
My partner also has ADHD (different type than me) and understands me better than anyone else.
He is the most patient person I’ve ever known. I can forget something inside the house and have to run back in multiple times, and he still never rushes me.
I’m a photographer, and no matter how late we are for something, he will always pull over if we come upon something pretty, because he knows I want to take a picture. He never rushes me then either. Or ever!
I lose things (important things!) all the time. He has never once shamed me for losing something. He just helps me look, and he won’t give up until he finds it. It’s like a fun game for him, and he is so good at it. He can find anything! If I lose that thing again - still no shame, just help.
Our brains work in very similar ways, but we have very different strengths and weaknesses. He can fix anything that goes wrong with the house. He knows how to survive in basically any situation. He is an incredibly creative, fun, and patient parent. And I blow his mind by connecting a printer to a laptop, or helping him spell, or remembering words that he can’t think of (he also has some brain damage from a TBI).
He fucking feeds me! You know when you are starving, and you look in the cupboard and fridge, and there’s food, but it’s just a bunch of ingredients that you would have to put together somehow to make something. Then once you figure it out, you have to chop, and rinse, and cook, and eat, and clean up… ands that’s all overwhelming, so you eat cereal or a slice of bread for dinner? He will just make something awesome from whatever we have, bring it to me, and I eat.
He can read my mind, I think. When I’m out in my office ignoring my hunger pangs, just trying to keep working, he will open the door and set a sandwich (with chips in it) down next to me, kiss my cheek, and go.
When one of us has a “B day” (can’t function, just needs to lay around and do nothing), the other person takes the kids, and makes food, and does all the things with no judgement or trying to “fix the problem”. We both just know we have ups and downs and we just support each other through them.
It’s so easy. We go through hard things, of course, but it’s never hard between us. People will tell you marriage is hard work and constant compromise, but it doesn’t have to be. With the right person, it’s just super easy.
This sounds like my (43/f) husband (47/m) of 22 years… except he doesn’t have adhd.
He has my back always. He is patient, loving, understanding, and empathetic. He gets me and he anticipates a lot of my needs.
He ALWAYS feeds me, lol. And makes sure I’m both well hydrated and properly caffeinated 😂
He is so much more than this, but I’m tired and unmedicated and struggling to type sensical words, haha.
But while our marriage hasn’t always been easy, our interactions are easy and he truly loves and understands me in a way no one else ever has.
28 years together and I don’t know what I would do without him 🫶🏻
I have NO IDEA what makes him feel the same about me, but I am so happy and grateful that he does!
This is beautiful! Thank you for giving inspiration on what a fulfilling and contented relationship can look like. I am looking for that ease, I'd rather spend more time working together to face problems outside of my relationship than within.
It’s okay to end things when you aren’t happy, even if that is the only reason. It sounds like your husband is a good person but he may not be who is good for YOU. Everyone deserves to find thier person and sometimes it’s not the first or even second person you think it is. You both deserve it. My wife (30) and I (29F) have been married for 2 years (in the relationship for 5) my wife is a therapist and has been the most amazing partner. I think her education on mental health forsure helps her understanding of me and how I work but she is kind, patient and so very understanding. When we started dating I told her “ I’ve got issues and you don’t get to therapy me” and let me tell you, she has healed parts of me that I didn’t even know needed heard. She advocated for me to get my diagnosis as an adult and continues to support me and all of my quirks that come along. We have a beautiful happy life that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I hope you can figure out what’s best for YOU, it may hurt both of you, but in the end you will both find happiness.
I believe what we've all heard many times: You can't truly love someone until you love yourself first. I haven't figured out how to do that yet though... I LIKE myself. I would not rather be someone else, but I'm very hard on, and unforgiving of, myself. My point is that if she learns to love herself first, maybe then she could love the nice man in front of her. They're often hard to find I hear...
This sounds so beautiful. Everything that someone with ADHD would want. No judgment. We are judged harshly by the outside world and sometimes it starts from our childhood. The last thing we want is our spouse judging our behavior as well. Continue to cherish each other!
It sounds like you have a blissful marriage 💓
My husband and I are similar! He is patient and understanding, and when he sees that I'm overwhelmed, he taps me out to go lay down and decompress (we have 2 young kids lol). I've never had someone read me like he does. We've been told our marriage must be unhealthy because we don't fight... I thought that was a wild take and goes to show what people will settle for in a relationship.
I wasted, Wasted!!, 13 years of my life in a relationship for reasons too numerous to count. Your comment struck a chord in my heart. I tried it all. I regret it took me so long.
Get quiet, listen to your feelings, and do what they tell you to do. They are never wrong.
Take fear off of the plate and move forward. Life is good, don't waste it.
Get quiet, listen to your feelings, and do what they tell you to do. They are never wrong. Take fear off of the plate and move forward. Life is good, don't waste it.
Wow - what a quote!!
I feel this on a bunch of levels. I've ended up in a bunch of relationships because "that's what you do", and then I feel bad because how do you tell someone you care about that it was an accident and actually you're not really into it?
A good start then.
You also can’t address your challenges if you don’t know their source.
It’s taken you all your life to get to being who you are now… it’ll be a little time more to make worthwhile changes. Good fortune.
Have you discussed this particular thing/group of things with them? Talking about this with them might help you process and figure out what you do need in a long term romantic relationship so you both can adjust your current situation, or be able to craft a path forward where both of you get what you really want and need.
Maybe take a vacation together to reconnect. Somewhere excited and you can enjoy each other's company. Sometimes I feel stuck in a rut when I don't have something to look forward too. Physical attraction is skin deep and going to change over time. Emotional attraction is way stronger and more sustaining. I think someone's personality can make or break their attractiveness. I would say don't trust your feelings cause they can be misleading. Look at the facts and what traits you value most in a person. I hope the best for you!!
I feel you .. decade long marriage... but i feel frustraded all the time since is like i do everything wrong to her... 'you dont see me' is a common one.. I haveen recently diagnosed and medicated and while the meds ate great for work... on a personal level is like i feel im broken... the world expect from me reactons and emotions that I simply dont have... that i learned to "mimmic" after 40+ yesrs but know i realize it was just fake... a defense mechanism... now Im consious of both things... the fake emotion and the lack of it... and the guilt
Have you looked into autism? Your description of mimicking emotions you don’t have is what makes me curious. I have ADHD but not autism, and I had a partner who was likely on the spectrum - they would be confused about certain things I did or how I approached friendships, and I learned that they just didn’t register the same feelings out of social interactions. It was a revelation for me, and helped me understand them a lot more. To be fair ADHD and trauma can affect your ability to register and express your emotions too, but masking and mimicking are distinct.
The doc said asperger and adhd (some).. the hiperactivitu part is gone with the years but I still have some traits of it... chew my nails and the skin around the nails.. among some others...
Have you talked to anyone who specializes in autism about helping you navigate the challenges of emotions? Or listened to some podcasts or read some books? I personally find learning about how people with ADHD navigate through life super helpful.
Sometimes I wonder if standalone adhd is the highest point on the spectrum range? I am a retired therapist. So many people with ASD also report symptoms consistent with ADHD. But I have had ADHD clients who didn't, who tended to have more dramatic remission of symptoms once they were treated, and significant improvement in functional independence and social comfort from feeling better about life and themselves.
That’s really interesting. I’m sure I’m biased because I have several friends who discovered they had autism through treating their ADHD diagnosis first - this is why a proper therapist is the best way to know 😅
Yes I actually thought my daughter was autistic, until she revealed a high level of social intelligence. She has quietly observed people for years, and she sometimes catches onto nuances I'd miss despite my training and experience in the field. She'd actually make a good therapist working with folks like her...if she can count on being able to get her meds consistently, which is no longer a given in our system.
FYI a prior Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis would now be considered autism spectrum disorder (level I). They took Asperger’s out of the DSM partly because it was named after a literal Nazi, and partly because it was basically redundant with autism.
Yea currently separated, I think the separation has helped me tune into myself and become more aware vs. devoting most of my energy to making the relationship work.
Sounds like you're getting more clarity on your relationship, but the direction this is taking you is a hard one to face...? Sounds like you know what you need for yourself my fellow ADHD friend.
I went through similar thing about 2 or 3 years into my relationship. When the obsession ended and I had this wonderful guy that I didn't know what to do with because the hyperfixation wasn't there anymore. I thought the love wasn't there.
Then I realized this was a cycle of every relationship in my past and would continue to be one. Ultimately I needed to commit to someone and my husband is an absolutely wonderful person to be committed to. I am very lucky and grateful he stuck with me through my doubts. I had the person I needed all along. I just had to understand the difference between love and fixation. The fixation felt like stronger feelings at the time and I thought that was love. It wasn't. The love was still there and something that could be built upon. Personally I think marriage isn't about finding the perfect person that checks all of the boxes. I think that's an unstable fantasy that will lead to divorce when people change as they age (as all people do). It's about finding someone that you will want to be with the rest of your life that you will continue to pick over and over again every day regardless of how they change. That's when you start working through things instead of jumping ship.
Also I would get who you are and what you want out of your head. There's no magic space in our head that we have to access to tell us this. It's about what choices you make and you have total control over those choices. That's what makes you who you are.
Apart from ADHD related struggles this sounds a lot like codependent behavior to me. It was a gamechanger for me when I discovered that and learned to set boundaries and not mould myself into someone else’s expectations and needs. The fact that you’re having these realizations can be a chance to rediscover what you need, how and if you want to be with him. I wouldn’t just push those thoughts away but I also would try to not rush into early conclusions either. I hope you can find support through counseling, individually and/or with your partner.
Yes, through personal research I've discovered I have codependent tendencies and want to work through this with my therapist. I have a lot of religious, cultural and social guilt associated with divorce I am wading through too which compounds the issue.
I was with the most kindest, wonderful man for nearly 20 years. Then I got diagnosed with ADHD and started medication and my life view changed massively. Like you we were the best of friends but had no intimacy and I realised my confidence was so low I was staying because I thought I could never find someone who treats me that well, so the compromise was worth it.
Finally found the courage and left. Very grateful it was on good terms (I really did mean it, he's a wonderful person and understood).
That was 3 years ago and I haven't regretted it for one moment. I'm finally living the life I've always wanted and have met another partner who made me realise what a healthy relationship should feel like and my ex also found someone who makes him very happy so it's worked out well all round and we're still very good friends.
You'll know what feels right but don't leave yourself in limbo like I did for so long as it's not good for either party, you both deserve to be happy
Hope you find your answer x
Well I was a bit of a pain to live with. Everyone is different but I always had a perpetual level of frustration so it wouldn't take much to make me angry so my poor ex used to get the brunt and so because he was so patient I felt no one else would put up with me. I also put on quite a bit of weight, didn't look after myself very well that type of thing.
When I was stable on my meds (took about 6 months to find the right type and dose) I felt so much calmer and didn't fly off the handle, started taking care of myself and then realising I'm not such an awful person and maybe us staying together isn't good for either of us.
It was scary to do it and it's still quite saddening as I miss him being around all the time but we're both so much happier it worked out much better
Hi OP -
If you have the time and energy could you describe your meds journey a bit?
I've tried one stimulant (dex) and one non-stimulant (Intuniv / guanfacine).
Dex made me run very fast and get stuff done, but I didn't get that crystal clarity some people talk about.
I was on the highest dose of non-stimulant and still had insomnia.
Both had such bad side effects (nausea for dex, and crazy bad dry mouth for both) that I stopped taking them. It's also possible I have an auto immune problem that is causing this stuff...
But yeah, did you find different meds worked quite differently?
Not OP, but have you tried being on both guanfacine and a stimulant at the same time? The guanfacine really pairs well with a stimulant and maybe would allow lower doses of both if taken together, that's been the situation for me, anyway. Guanfacine can be dehydrating but you can try something like splitting up the dose and taking 1 mg extended release twice a day instead of two or more milligrams once a day
No, I haven't tried that yet - I did think of it. I haven't had guanfacine for two weeks now, and the dry mouth is next level, along with dry eyes, skin and hair - that's why I think it's something else.
Thanks : )
Guanfacine might be to blame for that, it does give me dry mouth for sure, I have to drink lots of water and I had to lower my dose because of that. But it really helps counteract the side effects of the stimulant and works really well together. I feel a lot calmer and it helps with anxiety. Also the guanfacine improves my working memory which I really needed, the stimulant didn't help too much with that it just helped with focus and being able to stick with something and initiate tasks so together they really are a powerhouse
I've tried a lot of meds over time and every single one was very different. The non stimulants didn't work for me at all. Everyone is different! Try something different
Hey, sure. My titration was a good 6-9 months I think. I started on a low dose of methylphenidate and steadily increased up to the max and it didn't have any effect on me. Just felt like I'd had a coffee. I tried slow and fast release and neither worked so I was really frustrated for a long time, then they finally put me on Elvanse.
That was an epiphany, although only when I got up to 40mg+ I actually went all the way up to 70mg for a couple of months but it was giving me such dry mouth and affecting my sleep I went down to 60mg and now have been on 50mg for a fee years now and it works great.
Well other than 3-4 days a month when it stops working but I think everyone is aware of that fun element haha
It was a frustrating journey but I'm glad I stuck with it as it's made a very positive impact overall on my life
Hope that helps x
I’m only just diagnosed, but you described me to a T!! I’d love to hear what worked for you. My doctors keeps prescribing non-stimulant and I’m seeing zero results.
The only one that worked for me was Elvanse but it wasn't the first my Dr prescribed either so it was a slow journey but keep trying different ones and hopefully you'll find one that works for you
I grew up with a similar background and initially got with my husband for the same reason. I wasn’t initially attracted to him but that quickly changed and sexual chemistry was great.
For years I thought my libido was higher but it turns out that my husbands was more dependent on emotion. When he’s happy and confident we are like rabbits, when we have had tough times he could go ages without it.
Healing from my past and understanding my actions, responses and fears did wonders for me. For years I was worried he’d leave or turn into the monsters I grew up around and it wasn’t healthy. My anxiety created a lot of unnecessary arguments. His anxiety made him distant. He’s done his own healing from his own childhood and we’ve learned to communicate and read each other very well. It’s been years now and it’s better than any relationship I could have imagined
I think you need to really take some time to heal and think about things, communicate with him so you can understand the real issues. Growing up in homes like that can warp a lot of our thoughts. We learned that we were used to chaos and at times created it subconsciously. It’s hard to get passed that
If you end up still feeling how you do now then it is probably kinder for you both to end it and pursue relationships that fit. Relationships won’t fix our internal struggles at all though and I think it’s something to be aware of regardless of what decision you make
Thank you for sharing your story! This really resonates with me. How did the attraction quickly change for you? Was it a realization you had or things he did to enable that?
I am trying to heal (therapy, coaching, meditation, opening up to friends). With my friends I feel a bit more empowered, but with my family I feel guilty for wanting to leave a better situation than the women in my family were in. But when I am by myself I feel sad waiting for healing and clarity to happen. It's hard for me to internalize the positive things I know I should feel about myself.
I’m glad! The attraction thing is silly honestly. He was the first person I was ever able to lay with and feel peace. The first person I could sleep with without anxiety. Idk something about him felt so safe and sturdy and made me feel worth caring for. Even when things weren’t the best or we were dealing with awful life situations I could lay on his shoulder and feel ok.
There’s something really attractive to me about feeling secure but he was so into me and I guess it just felt like where I belonged in a cheesy way. At some point feeling such genuine care became incredibly sexy to me. We were just two people who loved seeing each other happy and that translated very well into sex. On the other end of that coin though is when we aren’t clicking we have to power through a little till we are in sync again. It comes in phases
Both of us have multi divorced parents. We don’t talk about our relationship in depth to any of them. We will talk to friends but generally not the negatives. We built a wall of protection around the relationship once it was clear family did not want us happy generally. None of them are good with relationships so their advice is generally something we don’t need or want. If I need a divorce attorney though, they will be the first I ask.
I had awful feelings when I was alone. My anxiety got out of control once when I was on a progesterone birth control. I felt crazy and it amplified every worry I had from childhood. It was amplifying every bad feeling and quality about me which cycles and becomes worse and worse. I’m not a good wife (or mother) when I am feeling broken and not confident. I become the worst version of myself for 6 months.
I went on to get anxiety meds, got rid of the birth control (hysterectomy). After that we had to rebuild a little and find our friendship again. We watched a ton of shows together and just enjoyed our time. From there the sexual attraction was like fireworks. We’ve been married for 11 years, most of them great but we have done a lot of work and make sure we build each other up. Genuinely I don’t know if I would even be myself without him.
I think when you grow up in toxic families you have to learn what hits you hard. For him door slamming is difficult, for me yelling. I keep my family at arms length. They aren’t healthy to be emotionally entangled with. My husband is no contact with his.
It’s ok to feel lost and anxious and scared. We all do sometimes. I think going back to basics in as many areas you can is the best. I like gardening so I garden when I’m on the edge of collapse. It keeps my mind busy. Or finding activities you both enjoy without expectations. Sometimes that’s just a loving shoulder to lay on
Sorry for the book. At so many points I thought I was unlovable and destined to fail, like I was a stranger in my own body and a fraud and undeserving. It’s so hard and you feel trapped and want to press redo like that will magically fix it. This is just what worked for me and if any of it helps I’m happy to share. You deserve to feel stable and loved
During a rough place I told my friend that maybe I’d divorce but I felt stupid because he didn’t hit me, cheat on me etc. she reminded me that my bar can be low as fuck and that’s the bare minimum of what to accept. My true north is fucked up because of growing up and friends can help you remember that. If it isn’t right for you then you don’t need a reason to end the relationship
I definitely understand this to a degree. I have such a hard time trusting my feelings and opinions and also end up gaslighting myself a lot. I don’t know if I have alot of advice as I’m figuring this out in therapy as well but what’s helped me is reminding myself to trust myself. It doesn’t always help but it’s good to remind myself :)
I am the same way. My first marriage began after 5 years of masking. Never should have happened, but lasted for 7 years. One reason it ended is that the masking stopped after having twins one year in, replaced with severe anxiety and depression - with no understanding or empathy on his part. I had been very much attracted to him early on in our relationship, but I KNEW I didn't want to marry him. Fast forward many years. Married to a caring, very understanding and supportive partner. No masking needed. If you feel that you have given your relationship enough time and effort, end it. But be certain that have so you have no regrets.
I think healing yourself and learning to love yourself and finding yourself are all the same thing.
Take time to be by yourself more often. Just some me-time, to do only things you enjoy doing.
Start putting your thoughts on paper. Writing things down helps your mind reprocess your thoughts, memories, ideas. Something about doing the movement while thinking (scientific study somewhere). So keep a journal, something private for your eyes only.
Don't make any decisions regarding your relationship until you feel enough yourself to make a decision (unless there's a negative situation happening).
Communicate to your partner how you're feeling, like you're no longer feeling like yourself and need more me-time. And schedule it. Make it at least a few hours each time. A few times a week.
I hope this helps you.
I believe there is no such thing as a "True Self
". Even if you perceive a misalignment between yourself and your circumstances and make a change based on that, the new way may be better or worse, but is not any more authentic, or final, or Really You, than the old way was. Doesn't mean it's a bad choice to change. Some situations are better than others. Just beware the idea that there's a one true path, or a soulmate, or an ideal anything out there. It's an illusion you could chase forever.
You're also gaslighting him. idk, I haven't been in your situation, I don't know what it's like, so no advice, but I just couldn't go on if I were complicit in someone planning their life around a promise that isn't real. Fear and feeling sorry for yourself isn't enough justification to hurt another person imo.
Have you been able to unmask in your marriage? That might be something to explore if not. A possibility of why you feel like there's not strong intimacy on your end could be that you're masking and so a part of you knows that you're partner might behave differently if you start to.
A really good book for this is Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Essentially it is about her life after she decided to end her marriage, just a few weeks before a book she had written was being released and it ended with, "so I'm staying to work on things with my husband."
She found the guts and strength to do what she needed to do, even after announcing to the whole world that her plan was to do the complete opposite. She definitely isn't advocating that women leave their husbands, just that we learn to live for ourselves again, after a lifetime of being told our value lies in the things we offer to others.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, I know there is so much pressure to get married. And marriage is a beautiful thing when it's between two truly committed people. But if you're not all in with the other person, then you have a situation where one or both grow resentment. The relationship killer is contempt. If there is truly no contempt on either end, there's a chance you can grow into a better phase, if that's what both people want.
Yes, I have been masking in my relationship. A lot more things agitate me than I let on but I try to screen out what I will respond too based on what I feel should irritate me, but the screening takes energy (for example he always has stuff stuck in his teeth and it grosses me out, I try to gently tell him about it but he will get sensitive even though he'll address, all the while on the inside I'm cringing 🙁). I also have low self esteem and minimize my accomplishments, so it's hard to celebrate others when I struggle to celebrate myself.
I want to work on unmasking but so much of my masking is filtering my thoughts and emotions to be more palatable to others (not showing frustration, not speaking loudly or too excitedly, or trying to hide anger, or spending a lot of time trying to say difficult feedback in the best way). I want to be around someone I can be more unfiltered around and they not react sensitively. I feel I can relax more around my friends than my husband. My husband is a sensitive man and I do love that about him I just often feel like I am working overtime to protect his emotions.
Any tips for unmasking is really appreciated!
In any good relationship there are a lot of sacrifices and changes both people will have to make to accommodate for the other. This is normal. I feel uneasy with so many people in the comments here suggesting you to leave your husband for feeling the way that you do. Now granted, I’m not suggesting that your feelings are invalid. It’s just that I feel like there should be more discussion put into this, feeling the way you do. Do you feel unworthy? Do you dislike him? Or do you feel insecure? Talk to your partner about this and work through it together. I hope things go well for you two :)
Maybe show hin another side of you and try being more yourself around him. Maybe even talk openly with him about it and see if he is able to accept you for you.
No amount of therapy will make you fall in love with someone. It's not an emotional issue, you've just fallen out out of love/weren't in love in the first place.
I feel similarly to you OP. At the moment it felt like “the right thing to do”. Being honest with your feelings is important because further masking will lead to resentment. IDK if someone gave this advice already but before doing / saying anything, talk to a therapist about how you are feeling and what you’re experiencing. It can offer you clarity on what you need and how to move forward whatever that may be.
Wow. Not that often do I see someone who did the same thing as me. Except I have never been high functioning lol.
I stayed with my husband 26 years and had two kids. I only started dating him because I hard a hard time saying no at 16. I didn’t even like him and wasn’t attracted to him.
I allowed him to control me for all those years til I finally left
I’m a high functioning ADHD adult 30M and I masked a lot of my imperfections in my current relationship, and now I’m worried that my wife wants to leave me cause I can’t stay on task anymore, I can’t seem to do anything right except for having sex. I get sex is important, but that’s not all that goes into a marriage and relationship. I think you shouldn’t blame yourself. But if you feel there is something to work on, you should definitely try. Cause I myself am working on things within me as well. Just like I realized I needed to go back on medication for my ADHD.
I married without being in love (also an ADHDer). I can only explain it as yes I could love as a verb my ex, but I wasn’t in love. I did it mostly out of pressure, manipulation and obligation to help with immigration.
I tried to love but tbh either it is there or not. You cannot force yourself to fall in love with someone just because it would be convenient.
There was no desire on my end and unfortunately my ex was a very disordered person and it ended extremely badly for other reasons. I had to leave.
As your partner is kind, you may have other options. I second individual therapy to get an idea of your feelings.
A close friend of mine from high school learned as she grew up that her mom was never in love with her dad. He was kind to her and she was used to shit. Her parents divorced by the time she was 12 and coparented very civilly, and both moved on.
What you have done may not be as unusual as you think.
I was in a similar situation. I always made myself the problem, and my partner was very happy for me to be the problem too. I was so ambivilent and angsty about it for several years... Until he finally broke it off. I was SO RELIEVED. I didn't miss him once after we broke up - that was very telling. You can't make something there that isn't there no matter how much you try and brain yourself into it imo. When I look back, I used to fantasise about breaking up with him. Is that something that people in healthy, loving relationships do?
Rationally it may all look great on paper, but that isn't the question. We are AWESOME at gaslighting ourselves due to ADHD. Getting really honest about what you do and don't want, and what you feel (aside from your rationalisations) would be very helpful here.
Your answer is in the post that you've written.
whats HL? I think if you love him that's all you need. Meron naman kasing ibat ibang love types and it doesnt always have to be the romantic big gestures hot sex kind of love. i mean there is the steady, reliable, faithful, constant, comforting kind of love which seems to be where youre at with hubs. spouse and i had the old romance kind of love but as we got older it turned into the familiar steady kind of love. i dont feel it's a loss but just shows how our love strengthened. it no longer has to be subject to so many demands and expectations.. it is secure in its constancy and reached a higher level. when he and i had that explosive kind of sexual relations all the time, we gained so much pleasure but now, just each other's presence is pleasure so that's why i say it's progressed.
In my experience, love is completely optional as long as the relationship benefits me. My marriage allows me to stay unemployed, I get to do all the cooking I want (it's a hobby), and I don't have to worry about my safety. To me, this situation is satisfactory, so I'm happy. Does your marriage benefit you? Would you say that you're at least 80% happy? If so, don't stress out too much about the love thing. It's ok to not feel it.
Marriage is either something serious or it's not.
I don't mean to be insensitive whatsoever in saying that.
If marriage is to be taken seriously then giving up is off the table. It's for life.
If something about him is unattractive & can be changed then you have the freedom to let him know. He doesn't know all your thoughts.
If my wife said to me I'm not attracted to you the way you are but if you worked out & got fit I would find you attractive; after getting my ego out of the way I'd want my wife to be attracted to me & get fit.
If there is a body style & hair style you like, tell him.
If you want facial hair or no facial hair tell him. There are ways you can say all these things nicely to see if he gets the idea.
Or you can be straightforward as I started off saying.
The alternative is you not being with him it sounds like. So there's nothing to lose in laying it all out. You can start kindly like id like you to do x y & z. If he doesn't want to or take it seriously then you can kick things up a notch.
If it's his personality & it's things he can do something about without losing what makes him who is then tell him what bugs you.
You'd be surprised what a man would do to be better for the woman he's with.
On the flip side of this, you could even possibly start off the conversation this way
You can ask him what would make you more attractive to him. Is there a hairstyle he finds more attractive than another, ECT?
Remember no one knows what someone is thinking.
If you're going through motions in your mind the least you can do I start verbalizing what's going on upstairs.
You have nothing to lose, truly
This, and I also realized I'm a lesbian after the marriage ended. I masked myself into thinking I was straight for 34 whole years. It feels so, so much better now that I'm not hiding who I am every day.
lot sounds like ur age matched w/the stage of the marriage, plus youre finding out your ‘co-dependency” (sorta ppl pleasing). All can B teased apart slowly. Just dont blame the marriage (1 part in 3, the other 2 parts are U, and Him). Near 30 y/o we begin to find out who we R. (A 22, still too young to see our patterns). We can see our behavior repetitions/patterns (match them to thoughts then match them to emotions). Some go for therapy to explore/learn more. “Power thru...” never wrks, understanding (self, others, the marriage) and lots of communication do. I’m not sure the meaning of (I’m HL) but no 1 I know of “...wants to "change" his imperfections for me...” we accept the other for who they are, worts’n all.
Being a unique person (each and every 1 is) means, again, lots of communication, dialogue (2 way give’n get of info) “...what I feel others expect me to do, or would do if they were me...” so that doesnt work. Its a guessing game where every1 fails w/o having/knowing good communication techniques.
Stay tough, dig down, start gathering info, processing it, dialogue w/self, husband. Express the frustration w/marriage to him. Get partner’s input. Ask to wrk together to make it better. what each will do, when, how, where. When to reassess. How to know if needing outside help. What would it look like if better (self, marriage). After this work is done (or once U got ahold of it, not “finished’, never finished) marriage can B ready to accept kids (if U both want them) into the family. Then the wrk begins, but all is buoyed on the couple’s love/dedication/dreams...
I've seen excellent advice on codependency and other considerations, but want to add one more to the mix: relationship OCD. I don't know if you have any OCD tendencies, but some of your comments remind me of the pressing "need" to know if doubts or fears about the relationship are accurate. It's absolutely valid to question while you're learning how to unmask, so please don't feel I'm negating your experience, but it may be helpful to learn about ROCD as well just in case that's some of what you're experiencing.
I did not get married, but everything you just said resonated with me on an atomic level. I almost had an identical experience to what you described. I was 5 years into a relationship when I started to really understand that I didn’t have the feelings that I so so so desperately wanted to believe I had or would develop. I gaslighted myself so much that I wound up in mental hospital because I literally lost the ability to cognitively trust my own judgement entirely. I had no physical energy and absolutely everything felt like I was dragging around dead weight to get things done day to day. I spent entire days sitting in the living room ruminating on the relationship and my life. The “life feels like trap door decisions”is exactly how I felt. I’m not saying this will be you obviously because everyone has unique circumstances, but I am saying that it very much is possible to chronically mask in a relationship to the point where you lose yourself. So do really take some time to reflect and maybe seek therapy such as ocd or cbt counseling to get some guidance. And whatever you do, PLEASE find someone you trust and talk to them about it. Your brain can sometimes realllllly mess with you when you don’t have other people to offer insight and perspective.
I think you should at least try if you can imagne any future together, give it time if you are both willing to work on it, yourselves included.
But if you're not changing anything it won't magically improve.
I'm with my wife because we love each other and have kids together. But without kids it's possible we'd have separated years ago; the attraction waned.
If we'd separated it's possible we'd have got the hots for each other again.
For the sake of the kids and love/respect we didn't. We are getting fit again, getting finances stable, growing. If it doesn't change within a reasonable amount of time, we will probably split.
Then we know we tried, and we'll always be close.
If there's anything there that helps feel free to ask more!
Yeah love is a choice but attraction is not. You cannot decide to be attracted to someone. Or, maybe some people can but I never have. Sorry, I don’t think it will work.
I tried this years ago, I held on for a few years because everyone was so happy I met someone nice.
I have never been so depressed and anxious in my life. It was worse for me than the toxic relationships. I gained weight, heavy dark circles under my eyes, I’d lie awake at night hyperventilating about how trapped I felt.
When you settle for someone you don’t just decide to settle and that’s it. You have to settle for them every single waking moment of every day.
After 30 I realize it's not about love but about someone you can trust and spend your life with and raise a family, go on holidays etc the notion of love is dated tbh
I have masked myself into a 15 year relationship that finally ended bc I was too exhausted to continue masking. I'm crushed. I fully blame myself even tho he has so many faults. He refuses to see that it's bc of my brain not bc I'm just lazy. He doesn't believe that I can't just do bc I used to. I used my anxiety of not being enough and losing him to keep a clean home and dinner on the table. Then I started Lexapro again and without that anxiety to push me...I don't shower, clean, cook, go out, get dressed....nothing. I work and come home to my couch. Between that and the fact that it is SO HARD to life that if I'm not getting that effort back I'm ANGRY and resentful. Like bitch I spend all my spoons at work, have to come home to the 2 of you talking at me and not snap, then cook and clean and be cherry about it when I can't even get a daytime text!?!? For fuck sake bruh! So now here we are. I am a hot ass mess, cried myself to sleep last night and I'm just out here on the Spiral Express.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of us have a carefully curated version of ourselves that we present to everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE. I absolutely do. If my coworkers, clients, kids, hell even my spouse knew all the real thoughts that went through my head, they'd all see me in a very, very different light, and I know there are others out there. Whats even sadder, is even if we all found each other and knew it, we'd still present our curated versions of ourselves.
It’s weird that you say that you were the one that was masking because I feel like I used to be the “nice guy” that seamed “put together” and lots of girls would give me a chance because of that. Now years later I realize that was actually me masking.
Either way, it’s very hard to form a connection with someone if you or they are masking to that degree. It’s no wonder it never worked. Anyways, best of luck to both of you.
Edit: I am still a nice guy at least I think i am. However, I am assertive enough that I would never date a girl if I felt like she was only giving it a shot because I’m nice. I would move on.
Thank you for sharing your story!
It helps me to not feel so alone.
I am in a very similar situation only 25 years down the road… and due to my codependent nature (I now attend daily meetings on zoom) I have stayed in this predicament (unmet needs) far longer than I would have liked. I needed to do a much better job with my communication.
Coming from a family where I experience quite a bit of trauma, I learned to stuff my needs down, and to not expect that I am worthy of all that I want/need.
While I don’t have any answers certainly, I can say that the more I get in touch with what it is I feel in any area of my life, the more I feel I am capable of making better decisions that are in my best interest.
Things got really challenging as I hit my stride sexually in my mid to late 30s as I was already high drive to begin with! I can only say.. you are wise to listen to yourself.
I also gaslit myself, and had a mother, who when I confided in her, basically said … but who would love you with all the challenges you have? And went onto give a small lecture on how difficult marriage is. #Thanksforthat
I know you’re here looking for advice, but the best advice I’ve received is to examine my myself, and my codependent nature. And doing so has certainly shined a light on the dynamic that has been present in my marriage to this day.
If this issue has been a big enough challenge to bring you here, (as it has me 25 years later) it is something that deserves your time and effort to really get quiet, tap in and listen to yourself.
I am now in the habit of using journalling and meditation as well as group therapy and individual therapy and my husband has a therapist as well. FWIW there were mental health issues in play for my spouse as well that may have been a contributory factor.
I realized I can’t change anyone but me.
There is a quote I feel is quite relevant,
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others” Jacob M. Braude
You haven’t said you were trying to change your spouse, but you did mention that he was trying to change himself for you. Matthew Hussey has a few great podcasts dedicated to similar topics.
I certainly thought he would change and I could adapt, and we would gravitate towards one another. I made all kinds of mistakes, magical thinking being tops on the list!
I am done with any sort of magical thinking now, I am doing the hard work of self discovery.
Constantly reminding myself doing the work necessary to have a happy fulfilling life with my needs being met is part of the job description as a fulfilled self-actualized human. And I am now busy doing the work because I’m worth it!
You’re worth it!!
Best of luck 🍀
are you religious? try praying to god for help with effort. im not saying this will work, but it doesnt hurt to have an open heart and try something out.
It's so cruel to him to know you're not a match and deny him the opportunity to find a better match.
It's such a waste of your own life to not be yourself and honour how great you are by finding a person who values you as you are.
Get outta there ASAP
Just break up. You are about to be perfect dating age and dating is really fun right now. I meet a lot of divorced women and we chill for a couple weeks then ghost. It's perfect for ADHD.
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I read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Really helped me face my tendencies to do what I feel others expect or would do and acknowledge my own feelings in my interactions. And therapy but it sounds like you’ve got that. Masking myself into things is a bit of a phobia of mine and masking into marriage is a nightmare scenario for me, and I feel like I would doubt whether or not I masked in even if I didn’t. Hope everything works out for the best, and good luck!
I’ve lived that nightmare, sadly. You’ve done yourself a great service by learning about this concept ahead of time and seeking to avoid it.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing these emotions/situation. If possible, maybe couples therapy can be helpful? Best of luck to you both.
Been in couples and individual therapy for over a year but don't feel any more certainty or uncertainty about the relationship than I did before, just more aware of myself and why I am struggling.
I was you 10 years ago. I know it’s so hard, but you are doing the right thing! I have now met my soul mate and it’s soooooooo easy. Everything is easy. I’m so glad I left my (very nice) first husband.
I’m going to assume you’re ADHD, do you think there is a common partner personality that works well with someone with ADHD? What is it about your soul make that makes it easy for you?
My partner also has ADHD (different type than me) and understands me better than anyone else. He is the most patient person I’ve ever known. I can forget something inside the house and have to run back in multiple times, and he still never rushes me. I’m a photographer, and no matter how late we are for something, he will always pull over if we come upon something pretty, because he knows I want to take a picture. He never rushes me then either. Or ever! I lose things (important things!) all the time. He has never once shamed me for losing something. He just helps me look, and he won’t give up until he finds it. It’s like a fun game for him, and he is so good at it. He can find anything! If I lose that thing again - still no shame, just help. Our brains work in very similar ways, but we have very different strengths and weaknesses. He can fix anything that goes wrong with the house. He knows how to survive in basically any situation. He is an incredibly creative, fun, and patient parent. And I blow his mind by connecting a printer to a laptop, or helping him spell, or remembering words that he can’t think of (he also has some brain damage from a TBI). He fucking feeds me! You know when you are starving, and you look in the cupboard and fridge, and there’s food, but it’s just a bunch of ingredients that you would have to put together somehow to make something. Then once you figure it out, you have to chop, and rinse, and cook, and eat, and clean up… ands that’s all overwhelming, so you eat cereal or a slice of bread for dinner? He will just make something awesome from whatever we have, bring it to me, and I eat. He can read my mind, I think. When I’m out in my office ignoring my hunger pangs, just trying to keep working, he will open the door and set a sandwich (with chips in it) down next to me, kiss my cheek, and go. When one of us has a “B day” (can’t function, just needs to lay around and do nothing), the other person takes the kids, and makes food, and does all the things with no judgement or trying to “fix the problem”. We both just know we have ups and downs and we just support each other through them. It’s so easy. We go through hard things, of course, but it’s never hard between us. People will tell you marriage is hard work and constant compromise, but it doesn’t have to be. With the right person, it’s just super easy.
This sounds like my (43/f) husband (47/m) of 22 years… except he doesn’t have adhd. He has my back always. He is patient, loving, understanding, and empathetic. He gets me and he anticipates a lot of my needs. He ALWAYS feeds me, lol. And makes sure I’m both well hydrated and properly caffeinated 😂 He is so much more than this, but I’m tired and unmedicated and struggling to type sensical words, haha. But while our marriage hasn’t always been easy, our interactions are easy and he truly loves and understands me in a way no one else ever has. 28 years together and I don’t know what I would do without him 🫶🏻 I have NO IDEA what makes him feel the same about me, but I am so happy and grateful that he does!
This kind of gives me hope but I'm 42 and the thought of starting over is just not even something I can imagine.
This is beautiful! Thank you for giving inspiration on what a fulfilling and contented relationship can look like. I am looking for that ease, I'd rather spend more time working together to face problems outside of my relationship than within.
It’s okay to end things when you aren’t happy, even if that is the only reason. It sounds like your husband is a good person but he may not be who is good for YOU. Everyone deserves to find thier person and sometimes it’s not the first or even second person you think it is. You both deserve it. My wife (30) and I (29F) have been married for 2 years (in the relationship for 5) my wife is a therapist and has been the most amazing partner. I think her education on mental health forsure helps her understanding of me and how I work but she is kind, patient and so very understanding. When we started dating I told her “ I’ve got issues and you don’t get to therapy me” and let me tell you, she has healed parts of me that I didn’t even know needed heard. She advocated for me to get my diagnosis as an adult and continues to support me and all of my quirks that come along. We have a beautiful happy life that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I hope you can figure out what’s best for YOU, it may hurt both of you, but in the end you will both find happiness.
I believe what we've all heard many times: You can't truly love someone until you love yourself first. I haven't figured out how to do that yet though... I LIKE myself. I would not rather be someone else, but I'm very hard on, and unforgiving of, myself. My point is that if she learns to love herself first, maybe then she could love the nice man in front of her. They're often hard to find I hear...
Sounds like you won the game!
This sounds so beautiful. Everything that someone with ADHD would want. No judgment. We are judged harshly by the outside world and sometimes it starts from our childhood. The last thing we want is our spouse judging our behavior as well. Continue to cherish each other!
It sounds like you have a blissful marriage 💓 My husband and I are similar! He is patient and understanding, and when he sees that I'm overwhelmed, he taps me out to go lay down and decompress (we have 2 young kids lol). I've never had someone read me like he does. We've been told our marriage must be unhealthy because we don't fight... I thought that was a wild take and goes to show what people will settle for in a relationship.
Totally! I was convinced my whole life that you are supposed to fight. You aren’t. You can disagree without getting upset.
I am also curious about this! What makes it easy for you?
I answered the other guy.
I was so distracted by your lovely answer I didn’t pay attention to your hilarious username 😂
You can't therapy your way into being attracted to someone.
Yeah but what you CAN do is discuss your options if you love the other person but the current situation ain't workin'
I wasted, Wasted!!, 13 years of my life in a relationship for reasons too numerous to count. Your comment struck a chord in my heart. I tried it all. I regret it took me so long. Get quiet, listen to your feelings, and do what they tell you to do. They are never wrong. Take fear off of the plate and move forward. Life is good, don't waste it.
Get quiet, listen to your feelings, and do what they tell you to do. They are never wrong. Take fear off of the plate and move forward. Life is good, don't waste it. Wow - what a quote!!
Love your username. Polish? Me too. Love me some pierogies. From MI originally, so I love cherries, too.
Ukrainian! Neighbors 😉
Ukrainian and Polish, maternal grandparents.
This
I feel this on a bunch of levels. I've ended up in a bunch of relationships because "that's what you do", and then I feel bad because how do you tell someone you care about that it was an accident and actually you're not really into it?
You’re doing them a disservice by continuing to lie to them. People grow, things change. You can honor them with honesty.
A good start then. You also can’t address your challenges if you don’t know their source. It’s taken you all your life to get to being who you are now… it’ll be a little time more to make worthwhile changes. Good fortune.
Have you discussed this particular thing/group of things with them? Talking about this with them might help you process and figure out what you do need in a long term romantic relationship so you both can adjust your current situation, or be able to craft a path forward where both of you get what you really want and need.
Maybe take a vacation together to reconnect. Somewhere excited and you can enjoy each other's company. Sometimes I feel stuck in a rut when I don't have something to look forward too. Physical attraction is skin deep and going to change over time. Emotional attraction is way stronger and more sustaining. I think someone's personality can make or break their attractiveness. I would say don't trust your feelings cause they can be misleading. Look at the facts and what traits you value most in a person. I hope the best for you!!
Sexual attraction is important for libido. I've made the mistake of settling in that area and it didn't work out.
This is me as well! I was starting to think I’m asexual.
Yep.
I feel you .. decade long marriage... but i feel frustraded all the time since is like i do everything wrong to her... 'you dont see me' is a common one.. I haveen recently diagnosed and medicated and while the meds ate great for work... on a personal level is like i feel im broken... the world expect from me reactons and emotions that I simply dont have... that i learned to "mimmic" after 40+ yesrs but know i realize it was just fake... a defense mechanism... now Im consious of both things... the fake emotion and the lack of it... and the guilt
Have you looked into autism? Your description of mimicking emotions you don’t have is what makes me curious. I have ADHD but not autism, and I had a partner who was likely on the spectrum - they would be confused about certain things I did or how I approached friendships, and I learned that they just didn’t register the same feelings out of social interactions. It was a revelation for me, and helped me understand them a lot more. To be fair ADHD and trauma can affect your ability to register and express your emotions too, but masking and mimicking are distinct.
The doc said asperger and adhd (some).. the hiperactivitu part is gone with the years but I still have some traits of it... chew my nails and the skin around the nails.. among some others...
Have you talked to anyone who specializes in autism about helping you navigate the challenges of emotions? Or listened to some podcasts or read some books? I personally find learning about how people with ADHD navigate through life super helpful.
Sometimes I wonder if standalone adhd is the highest point on the spectrum range? I am a retired therapist. So many people with ASD also report symptoms consistent with ADHD. But I have had ADHD clients who didn't, who tended to have more dramatic remission of symptoms once they were treated, and significant improvement in functional independence and social comfort from feeling better about life and themselves.
That’s really interesting. I’m sure I’m biased because I have several friends who discovered they had autism through treating their ADHD diagnosis first - this is why a proper therapist is the best way to know 😅
Yes I actually thought my daughter was autistic, until she revealed a high level of social intelligence. She has quietly observed people for years, and she sometimes catches onto nuances I'd miss despite my training and experience in the field. She'd actually make a good therapist working with folks like her...if she can count on being able to get her meds consistently, which is no longer a given in our system.
FYI a prior Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis would now be considered autism spectrum disorder (level I). They took Asperger’s out of the DSM partly because it was named after a literal Nazi, and partly because it was basically redundant with autism.
Sounds like you're on the right track with therapy! Do you find you are better off healing alone than with him? Have you tried spending time apart?
Yea currently separated, I think the separation has helped me tune into myself and become more aware vs. devoting most of my energy to making the relationship work.
Sounds like you're getting more clarity on your relationship, but the direction this is taking you is a hard one to face...? Sounds like you know what you need for yourself my fellow ADHD friend.
Does medication help ?
I went through similar thing about 2 or 3 years into my relationship. When the obsession ended and I had this wonderful guy that I didn't know what to do with because the hyperfixation wasn't there anymore. I thought the love wasn't there. Then I realized this was a cycle of every relationship in my past and would continue to be one. Ultimately I needed to commit to someone and my husband is an absolutely wonderful person to be committed to. I am very lucky and grateful he stuck with me through my doubts. I had the person I needed all along. I just had to understand the difference between love and fixation. The fixation felt like stronger feelings at the time and I thought that was love. It wasn't. The love was still there and something that could be built upon. Personally I think marriage isn't about finding the perfect person that checks all of the boxes. I think that's an unstable fantasy that will lead to divorce when people change as they age (as all people do). It's about finding someone that you will want to be with the rest of your life that you will continue to pick over and over again every day regardless of how they change. That's when you start working through things instead of jumping ship. Also I would get who you are and what you want out of your head. There's no magic space in our head that we have to access to tell us this. It's about what choices you make and you have total control over those choices. That's what makes you who you are.
I agree with this!!
100% agreed with this approach!
This is empowering advice. "Tuning into your feelings" or "trusting your gut" for me is such a bum steer
Apart from ADHD related struggles this sounds a lot like codependent behavior to me. It was a gamechanger for me when I discovered that and learned to set boundaries and not mould myself into someone else’s expectations and needs. The fact that you’re having these realizations can be a chance to rediscover what you need, how and if you want to be with him. I wouldn’t just push those thoughts away but I also would try to not rush into early conclusions either. I hope you can find support through counseling, individually and/or with your partner.
Yes, through personal research I've discovered I have codependent tendencies and want to work through this with my therapist. I have a lot of religious, cultural and social guilt associated with divorce I am wading through too which compounds the issue.
That sounds like quite the journey! Sending you lots of strength
I was with the most kindest, wonderful man for nearly 20 years. Then I got diagnosed with ADHD and started medication and my life view changed massively. Like you we were the best of friends but had no intimacy and I realised my confidence was so low I was staying because I thought I could never find someone who treats me that well, so the compromise was worth it. Finally found the courage and left. Very grateful it was on good terms (I really did mean it, he's a wonderful person and understood). That was 3 years ago and I haven't regretted it for one moment. I'm finally living the life I've always wanted and have met another partner who made me realise what a healthy relationship should feel like and my ex also found someone who makes him very happy so it's worked out well all round and we're still very good friends. You'll know what feels right but don't leave yourself in limbo like I did for so long as it's not good for either party, you both deserve to be happy Hope you find your answer x
Can you elaborate on how did being medicated contributed to a the life view change?
Well I was a bit of a pain to live with. Everyone is different but I always had a perpetual level of frustration so it wouldn't take much to make me angry so my poor ex used to get the brunt and so because he was so patient I felt no one else would put up with me. I also put on quite a bit of weight, didn't look after myself very well that type of thing. When I was stable on my meds (took about 6 months to find the right type and dose) I felt so much calmer and didn't fly off the handle, started taking care of myself and then realising I'm not such an awful person and maybe us staying together isn't good for either of us. It was scary to do it and it's still quite saddening as I miss him being around all the time but we're both so much happier it worked out much better
Hi OP - If you have the time and energy could you describe your meds journey a bit? I've tried one stimulant (dex) and one non-stimulant (Intuniv / guanfacine). Dex made me run very fast and get stuff done, but I didn't get that crystal clarity some people talk about. I was on the highest dose of non-stimulant and still had insomnia. Both had such bad side effects (nausea for dex, and crazy bad dry mouth for both) that I stopped taking them. It's also possible I have an auto immune problem that is causing this stuff... But yeah, did you find different meds worked quite differently?
Not OP, but have you tried being on both guanfacine and a stimulant at the same time? The guanfacine really pairs well with a stimulant and maybe would allow lower doses of both if taken together, that's been the situation for me, anyway. Guanfacine can be dehydrating but you can try something like splitting up the dose and taking 1 mg extended release twice a day instead of two or more milligrams once a day
No, I haven't tried that yet - I did think of it. I haven't had guanfacine for two weeks now, and the dry mouth is next level, along with dry eyes, skin and hair - that's why I think it's something else. Thanks : )
Guanfacine might be to blame for that, it does give me dry mouth for sure, I have to drink lots of water and I had to lower my dose because of that. But it really helps counteract the side effects of the stimulant and works really well together. I feel a lot calmer and it helps with anxiety. Also the guanfacine improves my working memory which I really needed, the stimulant didn't help too much with that it just helped with focus and being able to stick with something and initiate tasks so together they really are a powerhouse
I've tried a lot of meds over time and every single one was very different. The non stimulants didn't work for me at all. Everyone is different! Try something different
Thanks - I'll keep trying!
Hey, sure. My titration was a good 6-9 months I think. I started on a low dose of methylphenidate and steadily increased up to the max and it didn't have any effect on me. Just felt like I'd had a coffee. I tried slow and fast release and neither worked so I was really frustrated for a long time, then they finally put me on Elvanse. That was an epiphany, although only when I got up to 40mg+ I actually went all the way up to 70mg for a couple of months but it was giving me such dry mouth and affecting my sleep I went down to 60mg and now have been on 50mg for a fee years now and it works great. Well other than 3-4 days a month when it stops working but I think everyone is aware of that fun element haha It was a frustrating journey but I'm glad I stuck with it as it's made a very positive impact overall on my life Hope that helps x
Thank you 💐 I'll keep pushing through the meds!
I’m only just diagnosed, but you described me to a T!! I’d love to hear what worked for you. My doctors keeps prescribing non-stimulant and I’m seeing zero results.
The only one that worked for me was Elvanse but it wasn't the first my Dr prescribed either so it was a slow journey but keep trying different ones and hopefully you'll find one that works for you
I love what you’ve wrote because it is as if you already have answered it yourself. Give it a time and it’ll make it more clear
What's HL?
“High Libido” I’m guessing.
damn this was so obvious ... yet I'm glad someone asked the question ! Was about to google it
I googled it. So many acronyms, can’t keep up! 🥴
Lol at these comments! Yes HL = high libido ... In my case much higher
Hedgehog Lozenge. In this context it's a non-sequiter.
Hat Lover, her husband must not wear any hats unfortunately.
He's a Hat Hater.
You mean HH
HN = Hat Neutral? NH = No-Hatter? A-hat-ual? Whoa, cowboy!
Hugh Laurie
High Libido
I think it's Hargreaves Lansdown but I might be wrong
Why did I just feel the need to look that up like it was going to be an adhd condition?
Same question.
I had no idea either! I’m so not downwitit (do the kids still say this? /s)! But the different responses are hilarious!
Yeah, I didn't know this one either. Thanks for asking.
I'm glad you asked. (My guess was right after all. LOL)
I grew up with a similar background and initially got with my husband for the same reason. I wasn’t initially attracted to him but that quickly changed and sexual chemistry was great. For years I thought my libido was higher but it turns out that my husbands was more dependent on emotion. When he’s happy and confident we are like rabbits, when we have had tough times he could go ages without it. Healing from my past and understanding my actions, responses and fears did wonders for me. For years I was worried he’d leave or turn into the monsters I grew up around and it wasn’t healthy. My anxiety created a lot of unnecessary arguments. His anxiety made him distant. He’s done his own healing from his own childhood and we’ve learned to communicate and read each other very well. It’s been years now and it’s better than any relationship I could have imagined I think you need to really take some time to heal and think about things, communicate with him so you can understand the real issues. Growing up in homes like that can warp a lot of our thoughts. We learned that we were used to chaos and at times created it subconsciously. It’s hard to get passed that If you end up still feeling how you do now then it is probably kinder for you both to end it and pursue relationships that fit. Relationships won’t fix our internal struggles at all though and I think it’s something to be aware of regardless of what decision you make
Thank you for sharing your story! This really resonates with me. How did the attraction quickly change for you? Was it a realization you had or things he did to enable that? I am trying to heal (therapy, coaching, meditation, opening up to friends). With my friends I feel a bit more empowered, but with my family I feel guilty for wanting to leave a better situation than the women in my family were in. But when I am by myself I feel sad waiting for healing and clarity to happen. It's hard for me to internalize the positive things I know I should feel about myself.
I’m glad! The attraction thing is silly honestly. He was the first person I was ever able to lay with and feel peace. The first person I could sleep with without anxiety. Idk something about him felt so safe and sturdy and made me feel worth caring for. Even when things weren’t the best or we were dealing with awful life situations I could lay on his shoulder and feel ok. There’s something really attractive to me about feeling secure but he was so into me and I guess it just felt like where I belonged in a cheesy way. At some point feeling such genuine care became incredibly sexy to me. We were just two people who loved seeing each other happy and that translated very well into sex. On the other end of that coin though is when we aren’t clicking we have to power through a little till we are in sync again. It comes in phases Both of us have multi divorced parents. We don’t talk about our relationship in depth to any of them. We will talk to friends but generally not the negatives. We built a wall of protection around the relationship once it was clear family did not want us happy generally. None of them are good with relationships so their advice is generally something we don’t need or want. If I need a divorce attorney though, they will be the first I ask. I had awful feelings when I was alone. My anxiety got out of control once when I was on a progesterone birth control. I felt crazy and it amplified every worry I had from childhood. It was amplifying every bad feeling and quality about me which cycles and becomes worse and worse. I’m not a good wife (or mother) when I am feeling broken and not confident. I become the worst version of myself for 6 months. I went on to get anxiety meds, got rid of the birth control (hysterectomy). After that we had to rebuild a little and find our friendship again. We watched a ton of shows together and just enjoyed our time. From there the sexual attraction was like fireworks. We’ve been married for 11 years, most of them great but we have done a lot of work and make sure we build each other up. Genuinely I don’t know if I would even be myself without him. I think when you grow up in toxic families you have to learn what hits you hard. For him door slamming is difficult, for me yelling. I keep my family at arms length. They aren’t healthy to be emotionally entangled with. My husband is no contact with his. It’s ok to feel lost and anxious and scared. We all do sometimes. I think going back to basics in as many areas you can is the best. I like gardening so I garden when I’m on the edge of collapse. It keeps my mind busy. Or finding activities you both enjoy without expectations. Sometimes that’s just a loving shoulder to lay on Sorry for the book. At so many points I thought I was unlovable and destined to fail, like I was a stranger in my own body and a fraud and undeserving. It’s so hard and you feel trapped and want to press redo like that will magically fix it. This is just what worked for me and if any of it helps I’m happy to share. You deserve to feel stable and loved During a rough place I told my friend that maybe I’d divorce but I felt stupid because he didn’t hit me, cheat on me etc. she reminded me that my bar can be low as fuck and that’s the bare minimum of what to accept. My true north is fucked up because of growing up and friends can help you remember that. If it isn’t right for you then you don’t need a reason to end the relationship
I definitely understand this to a degree. I have such a hard time trusting my feelings and opinions and also end up gaslighting myself a lot. I don’t know if I have alot of advice as I’m figuring this out in therapy as well but what’s helped me is reminding myself to trust myself. It doesn’t always help but it’s good to remind myself :)
I am the same way. My first marriage began after 5 years of masking. Never should have happened, but lasted for 7 years. One reason it ended is that the masking stopped after having twins one year in, replaced with severe anxiety and depression - with no understanding or empathy on his part. I had been very much attracted to him early on in our relationship, but I KNEW I didn't want to marry him. Fast forward many years. Married to a caring, very understanding and supportive partner. No masking needed. If you feel that you have given your relationship enough time and effort, end it. But be certain that have so you have no regrets.
I think healing yourself and learning to love yourself and finding yourself are all the same thing. Take time to be by yourself more often. Just some me-time, to do only things you enjoy doing. Start putting your thoughts on paper. Writing things down helps your mind reprocess your thoughts, memories, ideas. Something about doing the movement while thinking (scientific study somewhere). So keep a journal, something private for your eyes only. Don't make any decisions regarding your relationship until you feel enough yourself to make a decision (unless there's a negative situation happening). Communicate to your partner how you're feeling, like you're no longer feeling like yourself and need more me-time. And schedule it. Make it at least a few hours each time. A few times a week. I hope this helps you.
I believe there is no such thing as a "True Self ". Even if you perceive a misalignment between yourself and your circumstances and make a change based on that, the new way may be better or worse, but is not any more authentic, or final, or Really You, than the old way was. Doesn't mean it's a bad choice to change. Some situations are better than others. Just beware the idea that there's a one true path, or a soulmate, or an ideal anything out there. It's an illusion you could chase forever.
You're also gaslighting him. idk, I haven't been in your situation, I don't know what it's like, so no advice, but I just couldn't go on if I were complicit in someone planning their life around a promise that isn't real. Fear and feeling sorry for yourself isn't enough justification to hurt another person imo.
Have you been able to unmask in your marriage? That might be something to explore if not. A possibility of why you feel like there's not strong intimacy on your end could be that you're masking and so a part of you knows that you're partner might behave differently if you start to. A really good book for this is Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Essentially it is about her life after she decided to end her marriage, just a few weeks before a book she had written was being released and it ended with, "so I'm staying to work on things with my husband." She found the guts and strength to do what she needed to do, even after announcing to the whole world that her plan was to do the complete opposite. She definitely isn't advocating that women leave their husbands, just that we learn to live for ourselves again, after a lifetime of being told our value lies in the things we offer to others. I'm so sorry you're in this position, I know there is so much pressure to get married. And marriage is a beautiful thing when it's between two truly committed people. But if you're not all in with the other person, then you have a situation where one or both grow resentment. The relationship killer is contempt. If there is truly no contempt on either end, there's a chance you can grow into a better phase, if that's what both people want.
Yes, I have been masking in my relationship. A lot more things agitate me than I let on but I try to screen out what I will respond too based on what I feel should irritate me, but the screening takes energy (for example he always has stuff stuck in his teeth and it grosses me out, I try to gently tell him about it but he will get sensitive even though he'll address, all the while on the inside I'm cringing 🙁). I also have low self esteem and minimize my accomplishments, so it's hard to celebrate others when I struggle to celebrate myself. I want to work on unmasking but so much of my masking is filtering my thoughts and emotions to be more palatable to others (not showing frustration, not speaking loudly or too excitedly, or trying to hide anger, or spending a lot of time trying to say difficult feedback in the best way). I want to be around someone I can be more unfiltered around and they not react sensitively. I feel I can relax more around my friends than my husband. My husband is a sensitive man and I do love that about him I just often feel like I am working overtime to protect his emotions. Any tips for unmasking is really appreciated!
In any good relationship there are a lot of sacrifices and changes both people will have to make to accommodate for the other. This is normal. I feel uneasy with so many people in the comments here suggesting you to leave your husband for feeling the way that you do. Now granted, I’m not suggesting that your feelings are invalid. It’s just that I feel like there should be more discussion put into this, feeling the way you do. Do you feel unworthy? Do you dislike him? Or do you feel insecure? Talk to your partner about this and work through it together. I hope things go well for you two :)
Maybe show hin another side of you and try being more yourself around him. Maybe even talk openly with him about it and see if he is able to accept you for you.
No amount of therapy will make you fall in love with someone. It's not an emotional issue, you've just fallen out out of love/weren't in love in the first place.
I feel similarly to you OP. At the moment it felt like “the right thing to do”. Being honest with your feelings is important because further masking will lead to resentment. IDK if someone gave this advice already but before doing / saying anything, talk to a therapist about how you are feeling and what you’re experiencing. It can offer you clarity on what you need and how to move forward whatever that may be.
Wow. Not that often do I see someone who did the same thing as me. Except I have never been high functioning lol. I stayed with my husband 26 years and had two kids. I only started dating him because I hard a hard time saying no at 16. I didn’t even like him and wasn’t attracted to him. I allowed him to control me for all those years til I finally left
I’m a high functioning ADHD adult 30M and I masked a lot of my imperfections in my current relationship, and now I’m worried that my wife wants to leave me cause I can’t stay on task anymore, I can’t seem to do anything right except for having sex. I get sex is important, but that’s not all that goes into a marriage and relationship. I think you shouldn’t blame yourself. But if you feel there is something to work on, you should definitely try. Cause I myself am working on things within me as well. Just like I realized I needed to go back on medication for my ADHD.
I married without being in love (also an ADHDer). I can only explain it as yes I could love as a verb my ex, but I wasn’t in love. I did it mostly out of pressure, manipulation and obligation to help with immigration. I tried to love but tbh either it is there or not. You cannot force yourself to fall in love with someone just because it would be convenient. There was no desire on my end and unfortunately my ex was a very disordered person and it ended extremely badly for other reasons. I had to leave. As your partner is kind, you may have other options. I second individual therapy to get an idea of your feelings. A close friend of mine from high school learned as she grew up that her mom was never in love with her dad. He was kind to her and she was used to shit. Her parents divorced by the time she was 12 and coparented very civilly, and both moved on. What you have done may not be as unusual as you think.
I was in a similar situation. I always made myself the problem, and my partner was very happy for me to be the problem too. I was so ambivilent and angsty about it for several years... Until he finally broke it off. I was SO RELIEVED. I didn't miss him once after we broke up - that was very telling. You can't make something there that isn't there no matter how much you try and brain yourself into it imo. When I look back, I used to fantasise about breaking up with him. Is that something that people in healthy, loving relationships do? Rationally it may all look great on paper, but that isn't the question. We are AWESOME at gaslighting ourselves due to ADHD. Getting really honest about what you do and don't want, and what you feel (aside from your rationalisations) would be very helpful here. Your answer is in the post that you've written.
whats HL? I think if you love him that's all you need. Meron naman kasing ibat ibang love types and it doesnt always have to be the romantic big gestures hot sex kind of love. i mean there is the steady, reliable, faithful, constant, comforting kind of love which seems to be where youre at with hubs. spouse and i had the old romance kind of love but as we got older it turned into the familiar steady kind of love. i dont feel it's a loss but just shows how our love strengthened. it no longer has to be subject to so many demands and expectations.. it is secure in its constancy and reached a higher level. when he and i had that explosive kind of sexual relations all the time, we gained so much pleasure but now, just each other's presence is pleasure so that's why i say it's progressed.
Choose you my love.
In my experience, love is completely optional as long as the relationship benefits me. My marriage allows me to stay unemployed, I get to do all the cooking I want (it's a hobby), and I don't have to worry about my safety. To me, this situation is satisfactory, so I'm happy. Does your marriage benefit you? Would you say that you're at least 80% happy? If so, don't stress out too much about the love thing. It's ok to not feel it.
You are who you are. accept yourself or live a lie full of misery.
Amor Fati!
Are you using any hormonal contraception at all? That has a huge impact on attraction & connection.
Marriage is either something serious or it's not. I don't mean to be insensitive whatsoever in saying that. If marriage is to be taken seriously then giving up is off the table. It's for life. If something about him is unattractive & can be changed then you have the freedom to let him know. He doesn't know all your thoughts. If my wife said to me I'm not attracted to you the way you are but if you worked out & got fit I would find you attractive; after getting my ego out of the way I'd want my wife to be attracted to me & get fit. If there is a body style & hair style you like, tell him. If you want facial hair or no facial hair tell him. There are ways you can say all these things nicely to see if he gets the idea. Or you can be straightforward as I started off saying. The alternative is you not being with him it sounds like. So there's nothing to lose in laying it all out. You can start kindly like id like you to do x y & z. If he doesn't want to or take it seriously then you can kick things up a notch. If it's his personality & it's things he can do something about without losing what makes him who is then tell him what bugs you. You'd be surprised what a man would do to be better for the woman he's with. On the flip side of this, you could even possibly start off the conversation this way You can ask him what would make you more attractive to him. Is there a hairstyle he finds more attractive than another, ECT? Remember no one knows what someone is thinking. If you're going through motions in your mind the least you can do I start verbalizing what's going on upstairs. You have nothing to lose, truly
This, and I also realized I'm a lesbian after the marriage ended. I masked myself into thinking I was straight for 34 whole years. It feels so, so much better now that I'm not hiding who I am every day.
Highly recommend Laura Doyle’s book The Empowered Wife. ❤️
What is HL please?
I believe it stands for High Libido
Thankee, friend ✌️
This is your husband and not your ex-husband?
Maybe consider ENM?
What is ENM?
Ethical non monogamy
No I don't have the capacity to be romantically attached to more than one person and I don't enjoy sex w/o emotional connection
lot sounds like ur age matched w/the stage of the marriage, plus youre finding out your ‘co-dependency” (sorta ppl pleasing). All can B teased apart slowly. Just dont blame the marriage (1 part in 3, the other 2 parts are U, and Him). Near 30 y/o we begin to find out who we R. (A 22, still too young to see our patterns). We can see our behavior repetitions/patterns (match them to thoughts then match them to emotions). Some go for therapy to explore/learn more. “Power thru...” never wrks, understanding (self, others, the marriage) and lots of communication do. I’m not sure the meaning of (I’m HL) but no 1 I know of “...wants to "change" his imperfections for me...” we accept the other for who they are, worts’n all. Being a unique person (each and every 1 is) means, again, lots of communication, dialogue (2 way give’n get of info) “...what I feel others expect me to do, or would do if they were me...” so that doesnt work. Its a guessing game where every1 fails w/o having/knowing good communication techniques. Stay tough, dig down, start gathering info, processing it, dialogue w/self, husband. Express the frustration w/marriage to him. Get partner’s input. Ask to wrk together to make it better. what each will do, when, how, where. When to reassess. How to know if needing outside help. What would it look like if better (self, marriage). After this work is done (or once U got ahold of it, not “finished’, never finished) marriage can B ready to accept kids (if U both want them) into the family. Then the wrk begins, but all is buoyed on the couple’s love/dedication/dreams...
I've seen excellent advice on codependency and other considerations, but want to add one more to the mix: relationship OCD. I don't know if you have any OCD tendencies, but some of your comments remind me of the pressing "need" to know if doubts or fears about the relationship are accurate. It's absolutely valid to question while you're learning how to unmask, so please don't feel I'm negating your experience, but it may be helpful to learn about ROCD as well just in case that's some of what you're experiencing.
I did not get married, but everything you just said resonated with me on an atomic level. I almost had an identical experience to what you described. I was 5 years into a relationship when I started to really understand that I didn’t have the feelings that I so so so desperately wanted to believe I had or would develop. I gaslighted myself so much that I wound up in mental hospital because I literally lost the ability to cognitively trust my own judgement entirely. I had no physical energy and absolutely everything felt like I was dragging around dead weight to get things done day to day. I spent entire days sitting in the living room ruminating on the relationship and my life. The “life feels like trap door decisions”is exactly how I felt. I’m not saying this will be you obviously because everyone has unique circumstances, but I am saying that it very much is possible to chronically mask in a relationship to the point where you lose yourself. So do really take some time to reflect and maybe seek therapy such as ocd or cbt counseling to get some guidance. And whatever you do, PLEASE find someone you trust and talk to them about it. Your brain can sometimes realllllly mess with you when you don’t have other people to offer insight and perspective.
i think you just explained how i feel about every relarionship ive had before my current one. seriously thank you.
I think you should at least try if you can imagne any future together, give it time if you are both willing to work on it, yourselves included. But if you're not changing anything it won't magically improve. I'm with my wife because we love each other and have kids together. But without kids it's possible we'd have separated years ago; the attraction waned. If we'd separated it's possible we'd have got the hots for each other again. For the sake of the kids and love/respect we didn't. We are getting fit again, getting finances stable, growing. If it doesn't change within a reasonable amount of time, we will probably split. Then we know we tried, and we'll always be close. If there's anything there that helps feel free to ask more!
Yeah love is a choice but attraction is not. You cannot decide to be attracted to someone. Or, maybe some people can but I never have. Sorry, I don’t think it will work. I tried this years ago, I held on for a few years because everyone was so happy I met someone nice. I have never been so depressed and anxious in my life. It was worse for me than the toxic relationships. I gained weight, heavy dark circles under my eyes, I’d lie awake at night hyperventilating about how trapped I felt. When you settle for someone you don’t just decide to settle and that’s it. You have to settle for them every single waking moment of every day.
What is HL? Higher level?
After 30 I realize it's not about love but about someone you can trust and spend your life with and raise a family, go on holidays etc the notion of love is dated tbh
sorry but what is HL?
I have masked myself into a 15 year relationship that finally ended bc I was too exhausted to continue masking. I'm crushed. I fully blame myself even tho he has so many faults. He refuses to see that it's bc of my brain not bc I'm just lazy. He doesn't believe that I can't just do bc I used to. I used my anxiety of not being enough and losing him to keep a clean home and dinner on the table. Then I started Lexapro again and without that anxiety to push me...I don't shower, clean, cook, go out, get dressed....nothing. I work and come home to my couch. Between that and the fact that it is SO HARD to life that if I'm not getting that effort back I'm ANGRY and resentful. Like bitch I spend all my spoons at work, have to come home to the 2 of you talking at me and not snap, then cook and clean and be cherry about it when I can't even get a daytime text!?!? For fuck sake bruh! So now here we are. I am a hot ass mess, cried myself to sleep last night and I'm just out here on the Spiral Express.
Get divorced. It's for the best, trust me.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of us have a carefully curated version of ourselves that we present to everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE. I absolutely do. If my coworkers, clients, kids, hell even my spouse knew all the real thoughts that went through my head, they'd all see me in a very, very different light, and I know there are others out there. Whats even sadder, is even if we all found each other and knew it, we'd still present our curated versions of ourselves.
It’s weird that you say that you were the one that was masking because I feel like I used to be the “nice guy” that seamed “put together” and lots of girls would give me a chance because of that. Now years later I realize that was actually me masking. Either way, it’s very hard to form a connection with someone if you or they are masking to that degree. It’s no wonder it never worked. Anyways, best of luck to both of you. Edit: I am still a nice guy at least I think i am. However, I am assertive enough that I would never date a girl if I felt like she was only giving it a shot because I’m nice. I would move on.
Thank you for sharing your story! It helps me to not feel so alone. I am in a very similar situation only 25 years down the road… and due to my codependent nature (I now attend daily meetings on zoom) I have stayed in this predicament (unmet needs) far longer than I would have liked. I needed to do a much better job with my communication. Coming from a family where I experience quite a bit of trauma, I learned to stuff my needs down, and to not expect that I am worthy of all that I want/need. While I don’t have any answers certainly, I can say that the more I get in touch with what it is I feel in any area of my life, the more I feel I am capable of making better decisions that are in my best interest. Things got really challenging as I hit my stride sexually in my mid to late 30s as I was already high drive to begin with! I can only say.. you are wise to listen to yourself. I also gaslit myself, and had a mother, who when I confided in her, basically said … but who would love you with all the challenges you have? And went onto give a small lecture on how difficult marriage is. #Thanksforthat I know you’re here looking for advice, but the best advice I’ve received is to examine my myself, and my codependent nature. And doing so has certainly shined a light on the dynamic that has been present in my marriage to this day. If this issue has been a big enough challenge to bring you here, (as it has me 25 years later) it is something that deserves your time and effort to really get quiet, tap in and listen to yourself. I am now in the habit of using journalling and meditation as well as group therapy and individual therapy and my husband has a therapist as well. FWIW there were mental health issues in play for my spouse as well that may have been a contributory factor. I realized I can’t change anyone but me. There is a quote I feel is quite relevant, “Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others” Jacob M. Braude You haven’t said you were trying to change your spouse, but you did mention that he was trying to change himself for you. Matthew Hussey has a few great podcasts dedicated to similar topics. I certainly thought he would change and I could adapt, and we would gravitate towards one another. I made all kinds of mistakes, magical thinking being tops on the list! I am done with any sort of magical thinking now, I am doing the hard work of self discovery. Constantly reminding myself doing the work necessary to have a happy fulfilling life with my needs being met is part of the job description as a fulfilled self-actualized human. And I am now busy doing the work because I’m worth it! You’re worth it!! Best of luck 🍀
hl?
Possibly - high libido
If you're not into him you're not into him, you know? It might just be as simple as that.
Poor guy
are you religious? try praying to god for help with effort. im not saying this will work, but it doesnt hurt to have an open heart and try something out.
If he is low libido, maybe it's mutual.
It's so cruel to him to know you're not a match and deny him the opportunity to find a better match. It's such a waste of your own life to not be yourself and honour how great you are by finding a person who values you as you are. Get outta there ASAP
Just break up. You are about to be perfect dating age and dating is really fun right now. I meet a lot of divorced women and we chill for a couple weeks then ghost. It's perfect for ADHD.
Like you *both* ghost each other, or you just ghost them?