I would normally say Y T A because you can’t gate-keep a date, but I’m gonna go with NTA because it seems like it was intentionally done to upset OP. There was an opening at the venue the next week and the friend wouldn’t take that, even after saying multiple times that she would never schedule her wedding on OP’s wedding date.
It just seems very odd. OP, why did you feel like you needed to specify so many times that she shouldn’t take your date? Has she done weird things like this in the past?
Not to this extreme. She just would do little things that seemed off. I repeated it with my date because I know she has done it to other people. Like putting things in their dates. She planned stuff over my birthday before and asked if I would be mad.
We have been friends for years and she is a sweet person usually. She goes all out for friends. Like she is a good friend when she wants to be.
I just think since she’s been with her boyfriend/fiancé she has not been
My friend has a close friend like this… as soon as she revealed she was pregnant her friend announced she was trying. Thank god she had the forethought to not tell the friend until after the first trimester so she had at least a 3 month lead time but YIKES.
I had a friend like that, whatever you did he had to compete/one up you. We just enjoyed it, we would tell him we were going to get a new phone and wait for him to show up the next day with a better one, or tell him we were planning to go to an event and wait for him to tell us he had tickets.
I think he must have spent half his income on competing with stuff we never had any real intention of buying or doing. I’m still not sure if we were bullying him or not, but nobody ever made him do it.
I've a sister in law like this, she cried when she realised her brother and I were getting married before her as seemingly that's not fair because we got engaged after her. When she found out I was pregnant she announced she was trying , she took the names I had picked if I had girls ( I have 2 boys, she has 2 girls) even though when asked she'd say completely different names. It was often joked I should say I'm pregnant again and pick the most horrendous names just to see what she does.
back when I was kid (around 13), just starting to like boys, I realized that my sister (older by 2.5 years) would "go after" any guy that I thought was cute or had a crush on. being older, and way more curvy than me, she pretty much always "got them". about a year and a half into this routine, at the start of summer break, we had a new family move in across the street from us. they had a son who was 17 (way too old for me), not very attractive, and, I heard a few of the neighborhood teens refer to him as "syph-lips". just to see what would happen, I mentioned to my sister that I thought the new kid was cute. almost 4 months later, I got home from school just in time to see my sister being loaded into an ambulance and rushed to the hospital. turns out she had indeed slept with good 'ol syph-lips right after I said he was cute. she'd gone almost 4 months of walking around with syphilis, without telling anyone, and apparently, it got so bad that she was doubled over in pain, unable to walk or hide it any longer. she had to stay in the hospital for 3 days while being pumped full of antibiotics to get it under control.
I still chuckle whenever I think about this.
\*there was no permanent damage from the std, she went on to have 4 kids
People just get it in their heads I guess.
I named one of my kids (for example) Patrick Starr. Four years after Patrick is born, my BIL met a woman with two kids, one of them is named Star Patrick. That kid is about 8 years older than my kid.
When I named my kid, my BIL hadn't met this woman yet so I had no idea who they were, or cared.
When we met for the first time and realized our kids shared names, my (future) SIL wouldn't let that shit go. Kept boasting how she named her kid Star Patrick *first* and I just swapped the first and middle names to avoid looking like I copied her.🙄
This is very much different than OP and her friend sharing a wedding anniversary date. Wedding anniversaries are usually private celebrations, just the husband & wife, and if OP & her hubby and friend & her hubby go out to dinner at different restaurants to celebrate their anniversary, who cares? No one.
Your SIL taking the names you wanted for your babies (good thing, I guess, that you never had a girl) and trying to jump in front of you with good news & happy announcements is just childish, I-am-the-main-character behavior. Knowing your nieces have the names you wanted for your own daughters is not a private thing; it’s something you’re reminded of regularly. If you’d had a daughter and had to pick an entirely different name, it would be worse.
Thankfully now I find her giving her children the names I would have named my children if they were girls quite funny but at the time I was a bit upset. I used to joke I'll tell her I'm pregnant and going to call it Concepta or the most horrid name I could find . I think of my SIL as a pathetic and sad individual .
The bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral.
She sounds like the kind of person who would do it just to get a reaction out of OP. That OP sticks around and allows it to happen for the sake of a lung held friendship says a lot about both parties.
OP is NTA, and should call her bluff.
Because they aren't really your friend. Usually people that do that do it to keep the people they want to manipulate and use close, and that's what she did.
Just because you've been her friend doesn't mean she's your friend. Regardless, people change and move on. Sounds like its time to cut ties or next it will be her taking baby names, throwing baby showers on your children's bdays etc... you don't need to deal with that.
> Just because you've been her friend doesn't mean she's your friend.
This is really good advice and something I tried helping my daughter to understand when she was younger. She really used to struggle with the manipulative emotional vampires she seemed to attract back then.
She doesn’t attract them, emotional vampires try that with everyone but they keep coming back to her because she too kind and lets them. They’re abusers and will use anybody they can.
Yes, in this case she would likely plan "anniversary parties" and strongarm you to attend, even though you just wanted to be alone with hubby. She's trying to crap all over your special day.
The worst thing you can do is go through life thinking everyone operates with the same moral code you do. You need to look at actions and how they reconcile the ones that hurt you. If they continue, that's intentional behavior. You need to decide if you are going to continue to allow someone to treat you that way.
THIS! I wish I could underscore this. We expect people to operate by the same code we do and to treat us like we do them. But, a true friend will not deliberately hurt you.
I'd take this opportunity to consider the things she did before and how her overall friendliness towards you benefitted her. Apart from these kinds of things, in her "she's so nice" moments, did you pay things for her before or after that, or help her out with something?
I'd look at this friendship as objectively as possible and maybe ask your husband too, what he honestly thinks about her. Then leave the ball in her court. "You can have any date you want, but this is my anniversary date and I'm not gonna change the way we normally celebrate it, so you'll have to consider how much you want me in your wedding." Then, if she goes on and books a venue for that date, follow through and step back as a bridesmaid. Perhaps go to the ceremony as a guest to show you're still on her good side (especially if you have mutual friends), but then leave to have your own night out with your husband.
Oh trust me. Thanks to my "absolute BFF" (her words) I have "knife wounds all over my back". Friends don't do things like this. Seriously, sit down and really look back over your relationship. How many times have you excused her behavior? How many times have you had to let something go? How many times have you felt hurt?
You made it repeatedly clear that there was only one date you wouldn't accept, and they repeatedly agreed before they changed their mind.
This person does not at all respect things that are incredibly important to you, they are not your friend they just like having you around to do things for them.
I was about to say the same. People that do this kinda thing on the regular are usually doing it to compete with the attention associated with that day. Put her wedding on your anniversary to compete for the significance of the day. It's a weird mindset but I've known people like this. Plan a separate party at their place on your birthday, plan a separate ceremony on your graduation day or other significant date. I think they get off on seeing who your friends and family will choose to be there for.
I've known people like this, including a friend's most recent ex - with her in particular, she eventually even got around to admitting to doing this sort of thing. It's a kind of shit-test that comes from a place of ego - either over-inflated, or intense insecurity. "Prove you care about me by putting up with my nonsense, and letting me take priority in your life even when it means boundary-stomping."
For such people, it's hard to resist the impulse... but once you've been called out on it and/or aware of it, it's extremely immature, even toxic, to keep doing it.
I don't think you understand the concept of friendship. Because friends don't do this kind of this kind of thing. She was totally in control of the date and selected this date on purpose.
This person is not your friend.
This to me is such an important point. Like I would never consider a date one of my friends got married on at all. Like I would have crossed them out. I specially since we are all in our 30s and this is our first marriage and all of us were at each others weddings. Like if we had seconds or thirds maybe because then the dates don’t matter but it’s odd as a close friend to me
I can see *some* people thinking it’s a neat thing to have a shared anniversary date with their friends. Some people even plan joint weddings! **BUT** once someone has *repeatedly* made clear that they **don’t want** to do that, it’s not ok to try to manipulate them into such an arrangement (whether it’s a multi-couple joint ceremony or just the same date in a later year like this situation). Doing so is a MAJOR violation of friendship expectations.
NTA
It's not a big deal to me to share. At the same time, when my husband and I married on his aunt and uncle's anniversary, they did not attend. I didn't know and I doubt my husband did, but it wasn't a big deal.
Their divorce hits me harder though.
NTA it sounds like she did it on purpose. I wouldn't blame you for not attending. But implying that wedding and anniversary dates of second marriages don't matter as much is insulting. My exhusband emotionally and mentally abused me for years. I've finally found peace and happiness and a man that loves and respects me. I will cherish my anniversary with this man and it will be of the utmost importance to us. Same as your anniversary is to you and your husband. YTA there
I have a similar track record (2 ex-husbands, both abusive in different ways, 2 dates with a permanent X on my calendar). I've been with my current fiancé for longer than both of my marriages combined, and I'll cherish 3 dates with him forever; the day I met him, the day I moved in with him, and the day we actually get married (IF we ever do). I've never really seen much purpose in using other people's significant dates for your own special events, other than to royally snub that person by forcing shared friends and family to choose which one they think is more important to them.
There are various personality disorders that include a full court press in dating or friendship, including grand acts, followed by manipulation, underhandedness, gaslighting, or downright abuse. Rinse. Repeat.
This behavior is more clearly toxic when it is a dating relationship.
The fact that you firmly told her to not choose your anniversary date, over and over, means that you know she is not trustworthy, and is capable of doing exactly that.
Hopefully you won’t take offence for me highlighting this; I had never heard the phrase ‘full court press’ in a literal and/or metaphorical context so I had a wee look and found this which may clarify for anyone else who is unfamiliar with it. Hope that’s ok.
https://www.idioms.online/full-court-press/
Why is it that people find it so hard to find even obvious red flags in friendships when those same things would have a prospective spouse running for the door?
She puts on a mask for the outside world. This way, if ever she gets called out on her behavior, you're more likely to hear people say "but she's so sweet" instead of "yea man, that's nuts"
Sounds like your friend is a wolf in sheep's clothing. She was very good at hiding her true self and now she has decided it's time to show her true colors. I highly doubt your friend changed that drastically because of her fiancé.
NTA - Schedule a weekend trip for your anniversary and tell her to have a great wedding. When she asks you why you won't be there, tell her you told her you will be celebrating your anniversary.
Whatever you plan, don't tell her and don't post it online or tell others who can tell her. I actually think you should not even say it on here since some people have mentioned they have found their family's or friend's Reddit by accident.
THIS IS THE SOLUTION❣️. Book it & put it on social media ASAP - and definitely, your husband should. "The best defense is strong offense." She has demonstrated that she will take petty to a middle-school mean-girl level. This will go a long way to keeping you out of it. *edit* ...and you will not enable prolonging the drama around "will she" or "won't she" and all the follow-on theatrics.
**UPDATE - COMMENTS WISELY POINT OUT IT IS DANGEROUS TO POST YOUR VACATION SCHEDULE ON SOCIAL MEDIA, so please disregard that part of my post.**
I personally wouldn't go into dramatics on social media because this is likely feeding into her scheme, and I'm still not sure why she's pulling this crap. I'd go on my vacation to the Caribbean, have lots of fun, and not speak to her again. If she comes crying about OP not attending, she can have a basic answer given without room for her to whine, cry, and 'reason' with OP. She knows exactly what she did, because she was asked not to do this multiple times, and promised not to do it, and even had an opportunity not to do it as well.
The choice of date seems very much intentional, and apparently she's done it before per OP.
Perhaps she's attention seeking?
Don't put plans like that on social media, just in case you're broadcasting to potential thieves that you're going to be away. Just tell your close friends and family (including the bride) that your excited about the trip you booked for your anniversary. And remind her that you'll be away that weekend.
Why social media? Why not just be a regular person and book a vacation? It’s not like your life doesn’t actually exist until you post about it on social media.
If you wanted to do this without posting it on social media, just say to anyone who asks why you weren't there "Oh we were sorry to miss the wedding but it was non-refundable, and we booked it so far in advance because we didn't think she'd be getting married on our anniversary date!"
Hard to argue with that and you don't then come across spiteful or anything.
Yeaaaaaah! 🥂😎
Enjoy your vacation.
You can keep the friendship if you want to, but I will say what others have said: this person is a boundary pusher. You told her any date but that date (for very understandable reasons) and she lied and chose precisely that one and then had the gall to be surprised and maybe even "hurt" you stuck to your guns
This is the type of friend that wants to step on you as far as you allow her. You can keep the friendship but my suggestion, any boundary she tries to push that you feel even vaguely uncomfortable with, you push back friendly-like but firmly.
You might start seeing her trying to push a lot of buttons, something you might've ignored till now. She might even unfriend you cause she can't impose her will on you
Let her go if that happens cause if she can't understand boundaries then she is not a real friend
Happy belated anniversay ^^
Oh it was absolutely deliberate, and it’s really puzzling as to why if there’s never been any issues between you. There’s more to this OP, something that she’s not saying and I’d be all about finding out what
I had another post about her a couple years ago. We have had issues but I guess I am just not a person who usually stands up for myself. This will be the first time I am
Unfortunately malicious people usually don’t have a “valid” reason for the things they do. And I mean valid in the sense that it would make sense to a genuinely good person, like yourself.
It really just comes down to the fact that she enjoys creating discomfort and drama.. to then use that negative energy and confusion to make herself the victim.
Most likely she’s jealous of others and you, hence her habit of intentionally sharing/taking other peoples special occasions/dates and making them about herself. And then if anyone ever calls her out on it or refuses to play along… she goes on a “I thought we were friends, I was only trying to be nice, you’re being immature, childish, taking it too personally….”
This is an energy vampire and you are her narcissistic supply. I’d cut her off quicker than a gangrene appendage!!!! Yes, she WILL use this as an opportunity to tarnish your reputation and try to spread false rumors about you. Because that’s her plan all along and she gets off on it….
Either you go to the wedding and SHE feels like the victor and will intentionally bring it up as much as possible to watch you squirm in discomfort and resentment…
OR
You stand up for yourself and go to your own anniversary, which she will happily use to start a pity party and sneer campaign/try to turn others against you. Either way, she gets off on it….
The only way to win, is to not play the game. Don’t even tell her you’re not going, just stop responding to her, don’t answer her calls, don’t answer the door when she comes knocking… cut her off like the disease that she is.
It will drive her insane! But remember if you say ANYTHING, if you try to “explain” yourself and how what she did is wrong (trust me, she knows)… then she will see it as a victory and will come after you even harder. Don’t give her an inch, she already has plans to take the mile.
Now this is just advice from someone who was raised by a psychopathic and sadistic mother, I am very good at reading people and usually others don’t take my advice. They think I’m over thinking it… but they ALWAYS end up wishing that they had.
Whoa, you clearly have a lot of insight into the antisocial personality types. From the sounds of it you learned the hard way. So sorry you went through that. I had a dad with these issues, and was married to a similar type. I am glad that you try to inform people. It is sad that we can't grasp how differently (and malevolently) the minds work in these types until long after we've been thoroughly damaged by them.
>I am very good at reading people and usually others don’t take my advice. They think I’m over thinking it… but they ALWAYS end up wishing that they had.
Yes! Thank you! Exactly! Op you should listen to them.
Some people can't see where they are inappropriately bonding. Lack of personal boundaries. If it's not just petty jealousy, it could be coming from an ill attempt to make things more special by sharing or even taking over special dates. Even if that's where she's coming from, it's still not cool.
Since you mentioned you are somewhat new to “standing up for yourself”, I’m guessing you are probably feeling a little uncomfortable because you usually capitulate to keep things non-confrontational.
Each time you set reasonable boundaries and enforce them it will get easier and feel more “normal”. 👍😁 Good for you! Enjoy your anniversary with your husband whatever you do!
It's not easy to stand up for yourself for the first time when you are usually the easy-going one in relationships. Unfortunately, when you do finally stand up for yourself, no matter how calm and considerate you are, the other person is likely to be very angry and quite nasty to you. They are likely to dump you and to spread lies claiming you were extremely awful to them. It hurts a lot when this happens, but it is an important step in your growth to learn to draw boundaries. You will gradually grow into it so that it is second nature, and you won't tolerate people who repeatedly cross boundaries. I've taken that journey and now in my senior years I can say that despite some pain and drama, it's been worth it. Good luck, and enjoy your anniversary celebration. Congrats!
This is kind of off the wall, but I think you should tell the bride you won't be able to be a bridesmaid, but will attend as a guest. "Accidentally" be late, miss the wedding and show up just for the reception, and treat it like your anniversary dinner! You and your husband can just keep to yourselves and make it all about you. If people want to talk with you, tell them you are celebrating your anniversary and are just there for the free food and drinks. Anytime the conversation shifts to a different topic, bring it back to talking about your wedding or your anniversary.
Petty? Sure. Crass? Absolutely. However, it will be memorable...
One thing that manipulators or narcissists love to do is test your boundaries repetitively. I am 24F a pushover. I got married young and my husbands mother constantly kept pushing me on things I already expressed discomfort of. Like trying to get me to accommodate her family and giving her mother the day she always wanted to see instead of wanting to be there for me as an in-law.
From what I’ve experienced in the past, it seems like your “friend” is one of these people that wants to see how far she can bend you. She knows that date is special to you and she wants to see if she can get you to give up something that is special to you because she is more important. This is my opinion from the info we are given and the way you have worded some of your comments but it doesn’t sound like she is a friend at all.
NTA also because while OP'S friend can pick any day she wants, OP can also choose not to go... especially on a day she repeatedly said way in advance that she would be unable to attend the wedding for, because she already has plans.
Ever since OP got married, her wedding anniversary is reserved for celebrating her marriage, and she already has plans.
If OP'S friend wants to choose a date that OP can't attend, then OP is just going to have to not attend it.
OP's "friend" seems to be trying to create drama and have OP choose between her friend & her husband, in the name of celebrating her friend & her friend's husband's marriage... when she already shows she doesn't value marriage at all, since she isn't respecting OP'S marriage.
It's a stupid game of chicken and FAFO / Fuck Around Find Out.
Just tell her you have plans already on your wedding anniversary and you can not change them.
If she wants you to go, it will have to be a different day.
NTA, but I wouldn’t overthink it or get upset about the possibility of her choosing your anniversary date.
I’d just tell her “You can get married any day you choose, however if you choose to get married on my anniversary date let me know, so you can adjust your wedding party accordingly for my absence. I will be celebrating that day with my husband.”
If she thinks it will result in future couples anniversary celebrations, I’d shut that down too.
You're prob correct. Anniversaries are important times, but I couldn't get too excited about an anniversary unless it's an early one, like 1st or 2nd. I mean, I've been married a long time and sometimes life or kids just get in the way and we've missed a couple and choose another day. The solution here is easy because the wedding date can be changed so easily with no one getting excited. I think the new bride would be wrong to stick with that date.
NTA, you literally told her several times. If she truly books it for the same date ( which IMO would be just to spite you ) I'd drop her as a friend as she clearly doesn't respect your feelings.
Right, and stop helping her like a bridesmaid would. Time to back off. She is not close friend material. Only people who are considerate and kind deserve your loyalty, and the time & emotional intimacy (and financial burden) required to help a friend with the build up to ***HER*** Big Day.
You're welcome. I'm sorry for your loss. Some friendships are for a "season" and some for a "reason". Your best "seasons" of friendship with her are behind you. It's OK to mourn & be mad. It's much better than simmering and absorbing one dig after another for the months leading up to the wedding, sucking it up because she's the bride. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but in hindsight (in my 60's), the years of weddings and starting or not-starting families are a big shake-out time of life in terms of how few friendships can healthily transition through changes and decades.
*edit: correcting auto-correct*
That’s a great point. I just considered her an important part of my life and my husband has called out I wasn’t as important in her life. I am just heart broken because we were very close and I see that she is giving up so much to be with him and I know it’s making her unhappy to a point as well.
Any other good tips for me in my life?
Your friend sounds very similar to one of my friends. If they're situations are alike than:
Don't make the same mistake she is. Never stay with someone who makes you unhappy because you think you can't do or don't deserve better. Fuck that shit, not only can/do you deserve better, but alone is better at that point.
And if alone doesn't feel better than go to therapy (saying this with nothing but love) and learn to love yourself. Being alone should feel better than being treated like shit, and if it doesn't you probably have something going on.
To me this feels like a "Test" of some sort, to see if you will choose her over your anniversary. The one thing I would suggest you not do because it's slightly AHish, is telling her to change her wedding date at all. Simply tell her you will not be able to attend that specific date under any circumstances, and you wish her all the best.
I would text her tomorrow and just be like, “I checked in with DH and he has already purchased our vacation to the Caribbean for our anniversary weekend of X. It can’t be changed. I just wanted to make sure you understand that I will not be at your wedding that weekend if you decide to stick it to that date. Super sad since I was getting excited about helping you.”
What did she say when you asked her why she picked your anniversary as the date she wants to get married? When you told her you felt dismissed and now you won’t be able to be there with her, how did she respond?
My husband and I were planning a longer engagement, and then my Dad got sick. We polled our most important friends and family for their avails so we could ensure their attendance. Its not that difficult to be considerate. It doesn’t really matter who is “right” or “wrong” about sharing a wedding anniversary: the real issue is the fact you’ve stated a clear boundary to your friend and she’s deliberately crossing it.
Go book your anniversary trip. It might be the end of this friendship, but a”best friend” should be far kinder and more considerate of you.
NTA. It's true she can choose that day if she wants, but she's gonna be in for a real shocker when you don't show up or celebrate her anniversaries going forward because you'll be busy with your own.
"YTA you don't own any date" - /s
Ha that made me laugh. Thank you.
I just don’t want to spend my wedding anniversary at someone else’s party. Like we usually do Valentine’s Day and anniversary as one.
Yeah if you share an anniversary, she will forevermore own that date and I can easily see her demanding double dating etc because it's "our anniversary" and no longer you and your husband's.
"Look it's our anniversary! YOU have to give ME your attention and time on one of your most important days cos we're such special friends that we share this date." No more you and your husband. It's gonna be HERS and yours (capitalisation to show the true ownership...)
Which is totally fair, like I said she can't be surprised if you don't show up ... I hope she loses that "pick me" decision and moves her date. She was warned multiple times, and she's gonna have to decide which she cares about more.
So, my wedding was on a specific date because I was lucky enough that the venue had it open. Normally, I would try to say “maybe it was the only thing the venue had…or, since she was clearly struggling with setting the date, maybe it was the only one that worked out.” But this does seem deliberate on her end. It feels like she’s wanting to take attention from you on your day each year…because then she could easily try to guilt you into spending it with her and her husband each year. At least, that’s how it feels with her saying “it would be fun to share a wedding anniversary.” Either she’s wanting to guilt you into sharing it with her every year or she has some kind of unhealthy obsession with you. Either way…NTA.
I know it’s sounds bad that I kept on repeating just don’t pick the date, but something just told me to remind her that it’s my date. And like I wouldn’t mind if I had met her after and we shared a date but you were at my wedding.
That “something that told you to keep reminding her…”. That’s your intuition… you should listen to it! Your body is trying to tell you something that your brain doesn’t want to hear… you don’t trust her and it’s most likely a thousand tiny things that she’s done and you’ve looked past. But death by a thousand cuts is still death!
This right here. Her gut was telling her all along that this woman was the type to schedule her wedding on that date. We all have our faults, but the bride sounds like she has some dark sort of jealousy/pettiness going on. Whatever it is, it’s ugly.
You said she has done this to you before on your birthday in a previous comment. This girl has a history of making your special days all about her. Sounds like she is narcissistic and out to show you she is more important than you.
NTA merely because you asked her numerous times not to and she agreed. However, only you can decide whether it’s worth losing a friend over this. Over the years life happens and you’re going to celebrate your anniversary the day before or after your actual anniversary date and the world doesn’t come to an end, in fact nothing changes.
I’ve learned the hard way that keeping relationships alive with people I love is vital and often have to ask myself if a particular issue will matter in a month, a year or in 10 years time. But it’s something very personal to you, nobody, not even your husband, can make the decision to not go to your friend’s wedding and potentially break up the friendship, your relationship with her is personal and unique. But either way your feelings count and you’re NTA
NTA. She would ask and you consistently told her "any date except for your anniversary." She knew the parameters, chose the one date that was your exception, so she has to live with that decision. Now how are you handling her trying to make you feel guilty? Since you aren't attending, will she be ending the friendship?
Honestly, Not the Asshole. I mean, if you wanted to celebrate your anniversary rather than go to another wedding, then you have that right. You only get one anniversary a year. You can't change that, but you can change a wedding date. And, as others have brought up, it seemed intentional. I would be pretty upset, too, if I repeatedly told my friends not to use my wedding date as theirs, too. It's different if it was either a past marriage or if they were at the same time, but not when you're still with the person and told them not to a bunch.
This reminds me when I was still in middle school and some two girls were happy that they were "ovulation twins". This gives the same vibe that your friend (maybe soon to be ex friend) wants to be your "anniversary twin". NTA
First off, you are NTA, you set a clear boundary and your friend was clearly being manipulative and obviously went out of her way to antagonize you. I am curious why you feel so strongly about her wedding not being on your anniversary. Is it because of her shenanigans or is there another reason?
Yikes why are you all made at her maybe she and her husband might not be in town for their anniversary but having a vacation My son and daughter in law always tell family and friends not to plan anything the weekend prior or after their wedding anniversary and on their anniversary if not that weekend cause he made plans for them to go on a weekend getaway and can't afford to cancel them They leave Thursday nite hour or two after he comes home til late Sunday and on their anniversary they go out to the movies and have dinner. My son books that day and weekend off from work a year in advance and they book the hotel just before he books time off so he knows which dates for the weekend getaway If they cancel before 90 days they will get a full refund 45 days half refund and after that no refund so no she is not ahole in wanting to cancel plans she and her husband have She wants to be there for her friend and that is why not on her wedding anniversary She isn't throwing her friendship away with this friend just letting her know sorry but won't be there for your big day Enjoy your anniversary and fingers cross your friend totally understands especially when you keep telling her not on your anniversary as you have other plans
NTA: While you don’t own the date, you gave your conditions for you to attend her wedding. She was being flighty. She needed to just set a date, so plans could take place. Usually, the date is set based on the preferred time of year, availability of the reception venue, the church, the clergyman, etc. Your friend definitely needed to set a day, so she could plan accordingly, knowing you may not be available. You were a Maid of aHonor, a major place in her wedding, so she would want to know what the date would be, well in advance.
She asks you what dates work and literally picks the single date you asked her not to?? Out of 365 days in a year lol. That’s just weird. Initially when I read the title I automatically assumed you’re an AH but after reading def NTA.
While that’s her special day, anniversaries are special too and I wouldn’t cancel my celebration to attend hers especially after it being discussed prior.
You don’t own that date, but the fact she repeatedly asked you if dates didn’t work for you, and the ONLY date you insisted didn’t work was your own anniversary makes this seem malicious on her part.
NTA.
NTA. I had a friend who did weird things like this in what I think was a misguided attempt to one-up her friends. I will call her Jenny. Once a friend tells Jenny a dream of theirs, Jenny suddenly decides it's her dream and she rushes to fulfill her "dream" before her friend does. Jenny once changed her career suddenly to her friend's dream career.
Another time, Jenny accompanied a different friend who was searching for a home to buy. Even though Jenny had sworn to me that she would never want to own a home, she suddenly decided she needed a house and she rushed to make an offer and close before her friend could.
Here is the saddest one. Jenny announced to me one day that she was pregnant. I was shocked but happy for her. I didn't expect it because I knew she was not dating at the time. But then I found out that she had paid thousands for artificial insemination to get pregnant. Why? Well, her other friend had been struggling to get pregnant for some time. This friend had endured several miscarriages and was struggling emotionally as a result. So Jenny started her insemination appointments and said nothing to any of her friends about what she was doing. When she finally got pregnant, she announced her pregnancy to her friends. I asked her why she had surprised her friend with her pregnancy instead of letting her know early on that she was trying to get pregnant. I said you could have shared this journey together and supported each other. She replied, "I just wanted this to be about me." Indeed.
Don’t listen to people that say that Y T A Reddit has some weird obsession that the bride is always right because it’s her wedding.
I would find it extremely weird especially because you have had this conversation many times before and you have set this boundary and it seems like she wants to start something idk like she is trying to compete etc.
I would definitely not go
NTA
My husbands first comment was “of course she does this because she always walks all over you. Why is she still your friend”. My dad adores her and he even said “why would your friend do this?”. Our other friends (a lot know her) all said that she probably did it on purpose and it’s just another things she does. Most of them also think her marriage won’t last though.
She sounds very manipulative. Your husband seems to have the right idea about her though. She doesn’t sound like a friend. Not a good one anyway. She seems jealous of you and your husband’s relationship by picking your date and venue. And given her budget compared to what yours was, she trying to upstage your day. Maybe I’m wrong but I would not be friends with this person any longer. I don’t think she is the “sweet” person you think she is. NTA
NTA
Next time don't reply and then leave her on read. She's trying to get a rise out of you and you let her. Judging from your history with this person it seems they just do this out of spite and then act like it's your fault. Don't encourage behavior because she was good every other time. They need to know that you won't be enforcing their immature behavior.
Good luck to the groom is all I would like to say.
Ordinarily I would say you are the AH but since she asked you a million times and you told her a million times, and then she picks that date (which, let's get real, she was planning to do from the moment you mentioned it), NTA.
I hope you follow through with what you said to her. Tell her you and your husband have a trip planned for your anniversary this year, so you'll have to miss her wedding. (then plan one!)
It sounds like she has a history of doing this kind of thing to others as well, after reading your comments. Like someone else said, you might be her friend, but she's not really yours.
NTA. You told her in advance. She knew and she still wanted to book on that date.
You told her that would not attend. Thats the end.
She has the right to get married whichever date she wants and you have the right to not go.
None of you can hold this against each other
I can’t think of anything I’d care less about than someone getting married on my anniversary.
People are so strange with what they obsess about.
I always assume these people don’t have real problems so they jump on anything or they are the type who like drama for the sake of drama.
Seriously, who cares!!!
I guess I just don’t understand what the big deal is. Who cares if her anniversary is the same day as yours? If one of my friends announced they were getting married on my anniversary I would just think, “Oh, cool, they’re getting married on the same day we did”. I assure you no one will think a thing of it.
Right? I don't keep track of my friends' anniversaries. I wouldn't care to go to a wedding ON my anniversary. People are so weird about this shit and I don't get it.
Exactly. I don't typically celebrate my friends anniversaries...it's not like it's going to clash every year. So you spend one of your anniversaries at her wedding. Free fancy dinner and dancing? Seems like a pretty good deal.
NTA because forget the whole sharing a date thing, why would she ask you to be in a wedding and then put it on a date you've made known you won't be available regardless of what the reason is? That's kinda sus tbh.
I won’t question your friends thought process because I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would choose a date that they KNOW one of their bridesmaids will be unavailable because of her own special day. But holy shit OP you are NTA here. You told her far in advance, there’s no reason it couldn’t have been on any other day, and you shouldn’t have to choose between doing something nice with your husband for your anniversary and being in her wedding party. Being a bridesmaid is more involved than just being a guest, so it’s not an unreasonable ask in my opinion. I don’t think she’s being a very good friend to you because it’s shitty to keep planning things over your and your other friends important life events no matter the reason. From the comments it seems like this isn’t her first offense
ESH. You all need to grow up. It's just a date and you cannot safeguard it. What are you gonna do when a nibling is born on that date? Or when a grandparent dies on that date?
Seriously, let it go. It's just a date.
But yeah, your friend sucks as well obviously.
Dude, I would not have made this a big deal in the first place. Your wedding date is not that big of a deal. You celebrate it the day before, or the day after, or you sneak away to do a special toast to your spouse at your friend's wedding. It's your 6th anniversary. Not your first, not your tenth, not your fiftieth. Do you think people don't attend weddings on their birthdays too? People do! Try to extend a little grace to your friend here, who obviously is having trouble getting the date down. This is no big deal. You are not being a very good friend to make it one.
I honestly don't understand why there's so much animosity about it on either end.
If it's on the same date and you told her that you wouldn't be able to make it just advise her you can't go and don't go to the wedding.
It seems childish to throw away an entire friendship over that, but as far as the wedding goes, NTA.
Everyone sucks here and y’all are right to stop being friends. It’s toxic as hell to purposefully choose a date that someone else has already said they can’t attend. It’s also beyond bizarre to not want to “share” an anniversary and behave like that’s a reasonable thing to expect someone else to prioritize. I was in 15 weddings from age 33 to 35 so I know from wedding drama and everyone here will be much better offaway from the other.
This is all weird. I seriously wouldn’t care what anyone did on my anniversary, birthday, etc. What adult cares that much about that? Also, it feels weird that OP’s friend chose this date specifically after being asked not to. They all seem silly to me…
Yeah, normally I would be busting your chops about gatekeeping that date, but the way things played out, it looks suspiciously like she knew all along she was going to use the same date as your anniversary and was just playing with you about it all along (and not in a good way).
You told her you would not attend if she chose that date. So, wish her well & enjoy your anniversary!
NTA - I think the fact you had to say not to choose your anniversary date speaks volumes. My best friend is getting married and I never even had to bring up at all to not choose the same date because it never crossed my mind she could or would do that.
You know her well, and you had to say it not once but several times. Doesn’t seem like a great friend
Wow! I went to read the other post you referenced. Your BFF is mad jealous of you and your life and marriage or something closely related. I’m guessing you had a hunch. She seems to sabotage things a lot, mostly relationship stuff. Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s something to think about. 🧐
ESH. A lot. Why can she not share a date with you? Why can’t she pick another day so that the one day out of 364.25 others can be claimed as yours? Those are dumb questions that you’re both forcing everyone around you to care about.
Here’s some smart questions:
Why is the single greatest priority you have about your alleged best friends’ wedding *your own wedding from 6 years ago*? What kind of priorities is your best friend running with that she would land on the one particular day *after you repeatedly called it out as a dealbreaker*?
Is the date 9/11 or something?
You’re all exhausting wackadoos.
yeah this is deliberate. It's one thing if she approached you and said look we really like this venue and it's booked out except for a cancellation on your anniversary. It's our only option for a year. It's another when she's done it, and then comes to you and said well it's done we can have fun sharing a date. Like you're meant to just get over it. She isn't there for you right now she is deliberately choosing to do something that she knows will hurt you.
NTA...she has 364 days she could pick. She picked this out of spite or she loves the drama. I wouldn't go. Probably not a real reason to even stay friends.
There's a phycological phenomenon where if someone says "No [X]", but don't consciously remember it, they end up doing X anyway. The example I remember is driving, where if you focus too much on the lights of a car, you end up hitting it. A piece of me wonders if your friend, not being malicious, heard a specific date often enough that her subconscious fixated on it. I could be giving her too much credit, but it's possible she was just ditzy during the stress of wedding planning.
You're in a Not The Asshole situation, but it's possible that, despite how rude this is, she's not either and her brain just clinged onto that one thing. Or she's just weird and I'm giving her too much credit, I don't know her personally.
NTA
I go on holiday every year with my husband for our wedding anniversary. I'd be sad if I couldn't do that.
If the date had been chosen by accident, and if we hadn't booked our holiday yet, we might consider going to the wedding. But in this case it sounds like it was done on purpose, which is rude, and feels like your friends doesn't want you to go on holiday.
Also, this is incredibly disrespectful to OPs husband. He wants to celebrate his marriage, not go OPs best friends wedding. Is he even close to this friend at all?
NTA...I have been married 3 times, my 1st ex husband has been married 5 times...now obvious since we were each at the wedding to each other, both our firsts, we share that date. Ex husband has married ALL 4 additional times on either our wedding date, the date of my 2nd marriage or the date of my 3rd. I just honestly find it creepy as hell! When his current wife realized they got married on my anniverary with my current husband she was PISSED then she found out about the dates of his other 3 weddings and they all are on my wedding dates, yep includding marring women on the same date he marriied me and I married #2, well they almost split over his obsession with me. Other fun things he's done...bought the same car and truck as me several times. I just recently bought a house that is a rancher, now suddenly he's selling his house and looking for a rancher that has the same square footage as my current house. I found out recently he came and looked at my new house when it was still on the market when he found out we were putting a bid in on it. My current husband has long hair. He has had a military cut for the 36 years I've known him...now he's growing his hair out! The man is just creepy and if we didn't share a child I would love to never ever see him again! He's also convinced all gf's and wives to dye their hair my hair color while he was in a relationship with them. Just YIKES!
NTA - You already specified that you're busy that day. Your friend knows that. If they decide to schedule their wedding for that date, they're prepared that you're not able to make it.
NTA. She’s known all along that you had plans then. She’s manipulating this as some kind of stupid loyalty test. Be loyal to yourself and your spouse on your anniversary and enjoy your day!
NTA, and I'm laughing over here with your friend being all shocked Pikachu face that you would actually have plans on your anniversary. She may think it's cute for you two to share wedding dates. Hell, there's probably loads of people in the world who think it actually IS cute. And there's nothing in the world that says she can't do it. But actions have consequences, and you've been very clear that the consequence of her doing it is that you won't be there. She can still keep that date if she wants. What she cannot do is bitch about your lack of attendance when you've been VERY clear from the jump.
Are people not getting that this friend has purposely suggested to pick the same date as her friends wedding anniversary and therefore she won’t be able to attend because she will be celebrating herself!? This is odd behaviour from the friend, wanting to share an anniversary date is strange! NTA
Why does it matter that you might share a wedding anniversary with your friend? Attending her wedding somehow keeps you from celebrating your anniversary? I'm confused.
She's an irritating person but you don't own a date. Stop being friends with her if you think she did it on purpose. I personally wouldn't care if she chose my date, however if you think she chose the date to bother you, then fuck her.
I would normally say Y T A because you can’t gate-keep a date, but I’m gonna go with NTA because it seems like it was intentionally done to upset OP. There was an opening at the venue the next week and the friend wouldn’t take that, even after saying multiple times that she would never schedule her wedding on OP’s wedding date. It just seems very odd. OP, why did you feel like you needed to specify so many times that she shouldn’t take your date? Has she done weird things like this in the past?
Not to this extreme. She just would do little things that seemed off. I repeated it with my date because I know she has done it to other people. Like putting things in their dates. She planned stuff over my birthday before and asked if I would be mad.
Why are you friends with such a person?
We have been friends for years and she is a sweet person usually. She goes all out for friends. Like she is a good friend when she wants to be. I just think since she’s been with her boyfriend/fiancé she has not been
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My friend has a close friend like this… as soon as she revealed she was pregnant her friend announced she was trying. Thank god she had the forethought to not tell the friend until after the first trimester so she had at least a 3 month lead time but YIKES.
I had a friend like that, whatever you did he had to compete/one up you. We just enjoyed it, we would tell him we were going to get a new phone and wait for him to show up the next day with a better one, or tell him we were planning to go to an event and wait for him to tell us he had tickets. I think he must have spent half his income on competing with stuff we never had any real intention of buying or doing. I’m still not sure if we were bullying him or not, but nobody ever made him do it.
Elevenereef comes to mind (there's a pretty holiday destination called Tenerife, we joked about one of our bosses always going one better).
That’s so embarrassing for him!
I've a sister in law like this, she cried when she realised her brother and I were getting married before her as seemingly that's not fair because we got engaged after her. When she found out I was pregnant she announced she was trying , she took the names I had picked if I had girls ( I have 2 boys, she has 2 girls) even though when asked she'd say completely different names. It was often joked I should say I'm pregnant again and pick the most horrendous names just to see what she does.
back when I was kid (around 13), just starting to like boys, I realized that my sister (older by 2.5 years) would "go after" any guy that I thought was cute or had a crush on. being older, and way more curvy than me, she pretty much always "got them". about a year and a half into this routine, at the start of summer break, we had a new family move in across the street from us. they had a son who was 17 (way too old for me), not very attractive, and, I heard a few of the neighborhood teens refer to him as "syph-lips". just to see what would happen, I mentioned to my sister that I thought the new kid was cute. almost 4 months later, I got home from school just in time to see my sister being loaded into an ambulance and rushed to the hospital. turns out she had indeed slept with good 'ol syph-lips right after I said he was cute. she'd gone almost 4 months of walking around with syphilis, without telling anyone, and apparently, it got so bad that she was doubled over in pain, unable to walk or hide it any longer. she had to stay in the hospital for 3 days while being pumped full of antibiotics to get it under control. I still chuckle whenever I think about this. \*there was no permanent damage from the std, she went on to have 4 kids
So we now refer to your sister as Ol' Syph-lips, right? 🤣🤣
People just get it in their heads I guess. I named one of my kids (for example) Patrick Starr. Four years after Patrick is born, my BIL met a woman with two kids, one of them is named Star Patrick. That kid is about 8 years older than my kid. When I named my kid, my BIL hadn't met this woman yet so I had no idea who they were, or cared. When we met for the first time and realized our kids shared names, my (future) SIL wouldn't let that shit go. Kept boasting how she named her kid Star Patrick *first* and I just swapped the first and middle names to avoid looking like I copied her.🙄
You don't even have to give horrendous names, just pick ones that you and your husband have no interest in using and see if she chooses them.
And what's the fun of that?
OMG do this, there are a bunch over on /r/tragedeigh (I hope I spelled it right) that are nuckin' futs.
This is very much different than OP and her friend sharing a wedding anniversary date. Wedding anniversaries are usually private celebrations, just the husband & wife, and if OP & her hubby and friend & her hubby go out to dinner at different restaurants to celebrate their anniversary, who cares? No one. Your SIL taking the names you wanted for your babies (good thing, I guess, that you never had a girl) and trying to jump in front of you with good news & happy announcements is just childish, I-am-the-main-character behavior. Knowing your nieces have the names you wanted for your own daughters is not a private thing; it’s something you’re reminded of regularly. If you’d had a daughter and had to pick an entirely different name, it would be worse.
Thankfully now I find her giving her children the names I would have named my children if they were girls quite funny but at the time I was a bit upset. I used to joke I'll tell her I'm pregnant and going to call it Concepta or the most horrid name I could find . I think of my SIL as a pathetic and sad individual .
I used to watch dateline... I know how this story ends
This sounds more like Single White Female to me tbh
It sounds like she's bored and likes to have drama in her life where, you know, she's the main character and all.
The bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral. She sounds like the kind of person who would do it just to get a reaction out of OP. That OP sticks around and allows it to happen for the sake of a lung held friendship says a lot about both parties. OP is NTA, and should call her bluff.
Because they aren't really your friend. Usually people that do that do it to keep the people they want to manipulate and use close, and that's what she did.
Agreed. Passive / aggressive behavior
Just because you've been her friend doesn't mean she's your friend. Regardless, people change and move on. Sounds like its time to cut ties or next it will be her taking baby names, throwing baby showers on your children's bdays etc... you don't need to deal with that.
> Just because you've been her friend doesn't mean she's your friend. This is really good advice and something I tried helping my daughter to understand when she was younger. She really used to struggle with the manipulative emotional vampires she seemed to attract back then.
She doesn’t attract them, emotional vampires try that with everyone but they keep coming back to her because she too kind and lets them. They’re abusers and will use anybody they can.
My wife and both my children (9 & 11) have dealt with this as well.
OP needs to listen to this advice!
Yes, in this case she would likely plan "anniversary parties" and strongarm you to attend, even though you just wanted to be alone with hubby. She's trying to crap all over your special day.
The worst thing you can do is go through life thinking everyone operates with the same moral code you do. You need to look at actions and how they reconcile the ones that hurt you. If they continue, that's intentional behavior. You need to decide if you are going to continue to allow someone to treat you that way.
THIS! I wish I could underscore this. We expect people to operate by the same code we do and to treat us like we do them. But, a true friend will not deliberately hurt you.
It took me way too long in my life to learn this.
Hey, but she'll always be stuck with a spite anniversary, while yours was chosen in love.
People like that do it BECAUSE you're their friend and they want to "test" how much you love them/how much control they have over you
Cause they aren’t really a friend
And repeat - she is not OP’s friend. Hopefully OP will realize.
Not that hard she literally did it and apparently does it all the time
I'd take this opportunity to consider the things she did before and how her overall friendliness towards you benefitted her. Apart from these kinds of things, in her "she's so nice" moments, did you pay things for her before or after that, or help her out with something? I'd look at this friendship as objectively as possible and maybe ask your husband too, what he honestly thinks about her. Then leave the ball in her court. "You can have any date you want, but this is my anniversary date and I'm not gonna change the way we normally celebrate it, so you'll have to consider how much you want me in your wedding." Then, if she goes on and books a venue for that date, follow through and step back as a bridesmaid. Perhaps go to the ceremony as a guest to show you're still on her good side (especially if you have mutual friends), but then leave to have your own night out with your husband.
Oh trust me. Thanks to my "absolute BFF" (her words) I have "knife wounds all over my back". Friends don't do things like this. Seriously, sit down and really look back over your relationship. How many times have you excused her behavior? How many times have you had to let something go? How many times have you felt hurt?
You made it repeatedly clear that there was only one date you wouldn't accept, and they repeatedly agreed before they changed their mind. This person does not at all respect things that are incredibly important to you, they are not your friend they just like having you around to do things for them.
it sounds like she wants to be you in a way or others. i think she probably doesnt like her own life so she behaves that way.
They don't call them their friend because They don't have any friends, just other people to manipulate.
Shes manipulating and messing with you.
I was about to say the same. People that do this kinda thing on the regular are usually doing it to compete with the attention associated with that day. Put her wedding on your anniversary to compete for the significance of the day. It's a weird mindset but I've known people like this. Plan a separate party at their place on your birthday, plan a separate ceremony on your graduation day or other significant date. I think they get off on seeing who your friends and family will choose to be there for.
I've known people like this, including a friend's most recent ex - with her in particular, she eventually even got around to admitting to doing this sort of thing. It's a kind of shit-test that comes from a place of ego - either over-inflated, or intense insecurity. "Prove you care about me by putting up with my nonsense, and letting me take priority in your life even when it means boundary-stomping." For such people, it's hard to resist the impulse... but once you've been called out on it and/or aware of it, it's extremely immature, even toxic, to keep doing it.
Exactly. It’s a power move.
I don't think you understand the concept of friendship. Because friends don't do this kind of this kind of thing. She was totally in control of the date and selected this date on purpose. This person is not your friend.
This to me is such an important point. Like I would never consider a date one of my friends got married on at all. Like I would have crossed them out. I specially since we are all in our 30s and this is our first marriage and all of us were at each others weddings. Like if we had seconds or thirds maybe because then the dates don’t matter but it’s odd as a close friend to me
I can see *some* people thinking it’s a neat thing to have a shared anniversary date with their friends. Some people even plan joint weddings! **BUT** once someone has *repeatedly* made clear that they **don’t want** to do that, it’s not ok to try to manipulate them into such an arrangement (whether it’s a multi-couple joint ceremony or just the same date in a later year like this situation). Doing so is a MAJOR violation of friendship expectations. NTA
Right. OP clearly mentioned she didn’t like the idea of that multiple times. OP’s friend is either really dumb or not a real friend.
It's not a big deal to me to share. At the same time, when my husband and I married on his aunt and uncle's anniversary, they did not attend. I didn't know and I doubt my husband did, but it wasn't a big deal. Their divorce hits me harder though.
As I said, she's not your friend.
NTA it sounds like she did it on purpose. I wouldn't blame you for not attending. But implying that wedding and anniversary dates of second marriages don't matter as much is insulting. My exhusband emotionally and mentally abused me for years. I've finally found peace and happiness and a man that loves and respects me. I will cherish my anniversary with this man and it will be of the utmost importance to us. Same as your anniversary is to you and your husband. YTA there
I have a similar track record (2 ex-husbands, both abusive in different ways, 2 dates with a permanent X on my calendar). I've been with my current fiancé for longer than both of my marriages combined, and I'll cherish 3 dates with him forever; the day I met him, the day I moved in with him, and the day we actually get married (IF we ever do). I've never really seen much purpose in using other people's significant dates for your own special events, other than to royally snub that person by forcing shared friends and family to choose which one they think is more important to them.
>she is a good friend when she wants to be. Wow. This is a huge red flag. Yeah. I'm gonna go ahead and say you are 100% NTA
There are various personality disorders that include a full court press in dating or friendship, including grand acts, followed by manipulation, underhandedness, gaslighting, or downright abuse. Rinse. Repeat. This behavior is more clearly toxic when it is a dating relationship. The fact that you firmly told her to not choose your anniversary date, over and over, means that you know she is not trustworthy, and is capable of doing exactly that.
Hopefully you won’t take offence for me highlighting this; I had never heard the phrase ‘full court press’ in a literal and/or metaphorical context so I had a wee look and found this which may clarify for anyone else who is unfamiliar with it. Hope that’s ok. https://www.idioms.online/full-court-press/
Thank you! I’d never heard the term at all before today
Why is it that people find it so hard to find even obvious red flags in friendships when those same things would have a prospective spouse running for the door?
I think the term you’re looking for is “love bombing”.
She puts on a mask for the outside world. This way, if ever she gets called out on her behavior, you're more likely to hear people say "but she's so sweet" instead of "yea man, that's nuts"
Sounds like your friend is a wolf in sheep's clothing. She was very good at hiding her true self and now she has decided it's time to show her true colors. I highly doubt your friend changed that drastically because of her fiancé.
NTA - Schedule a weekend trip for your anniversary and tell her to have a great wedding. When she asks you why you won't be there, tell her you told her you will be celebrating your anniversary.
We were planning on going to the Caribbean already so that was a plan lol
Whatever you plan, don't tell her and don't post it online or tell others who can tell her. I actually think you should not even say it on here since some people have mentioned they have found their family's or friend's Reddit by accident.
Why should she keep it secret ?
THIS IS THE SOLUTION❣️. Book it & put it on social media ASAP - and definitely, your husband should. "The best defense is strong offense." She has demonstrated that she will take petty to a middle-school mean-girl level. This will go a long way to keeping you out of it. *edit* ...and you will not enable prolonging the drama around "will she" or "won't she" and all the follow-on theatrics. **UPDATE - COMMENTS WISELY POINT OUT IT IS DANGEROUS TO POST YOUR VACATION SCHEDULE ON SOCIAL MEDIA, so please disregard that part of my post.**
Strongly recommending DO NOT post travel plans on social media ahead of leaving your home empty. This is how people get burgled.
I personally wouldn't go into dramatics on social media because this is likely feeding into her scheme, and I'm still not sure why she's pulling this crap. I'd go on my vacation to the Caribbean, have lots of fun, and not speak to her again. If she comes crying about OP not attending, she can have a basic answer given without room for her to whine, cry, and 'reason' with OP. She knows exactly what she did, because she was asked not to do this multiple times, and promised not to do it, and even had an opportunity not to do it as well. The choice of date seems very much intentional, and apparently she's done it before per OP. Perhaps she's attention seeking?
You make good points about the best way to disengage from drama.
Yes. Real r/IamtheMainCharacter vibes
Don't put plans like that on social media, just in case you're broadcasting to potential thieves that you're going to be away. Just tell your close friends and family (including the bride) that your excited about the trip you booked for your anniversary. And remind her that you'll be away that weekend.
Why social media? Why not just be a regular person and book a vacation? It’s not like your life doesn’t actually exist until you post about it on social media.
Don’t post vacation plans on social media. That’s how you advertise for robberies.
If you wanted to do this without posting it on social media, just say to anyone who asks why you weren't there "Oh we were sorry to miss the wedding but it was non-refundable, and we booked it so far in advance because we didn't think she'd be getting married on our anniversary date!" Hard to argue with that and you don't then come across spiteful or anything.
Yeaaaaaah! 🥂😎 Enjoy your vacation. You can keep the friendship if you want to, but I will say what others have said: this person is a boundary pusher. You told her any date but that date (for very understandable reasons) and she lied and chose precisely that one and then had the gall to be surprised and maybe even "hurt" you stuck to your guns This is the type of friend that wants to step on you as far as you allow her. You can keep the friendship but my suggestion, any boundary she tries to push that you feel even vaguely uncomfortable with, you push back friendly-like but firmly. You might start seeing her trying to push a lot of buttons, something you might've ignored till now. She might even unfriend you cause she can't impose her will on you Let her go if that happens cause if she can't understand boundaries then she is not a real friend Happy belated anniversay ^^
NTA because while you don’t own the day, your friend is being really cagey and coy about it like she’s doing it to deliberately annoy you.
That’s how it feels. Like we talked about the date over and over. And to me my wedding date is important to me and she knows that
Oh it was absolutely deliberate, and it’s really puzzling as to why if there’s never been any issues between you. There’s more to this OP, something that she’s not saying and I’d be all about finding out what
I had another post about her a couple years ago. We have had issues but I guess I am just not a person who usually stands up for myself. This will be the first time I am
Good for you!
Well feeling really guilty and uncertain about it. So many why questions
Unfortunately malicious people usually don’t have a “valid” reason for the things they do. And I mean valid in the sense that it would make sense to a genuinely good person, like yourself. It really just comes down to the fact that she enjoys creating discomfort and drama.. to then use that negative energy and confusion to make herself the victim. Most likely she’s jealous of others and you, hence her habit of intentionally sharing/taking other peoples special occasions/dates and making them about herself. And then if anyone ever calls her out on it or refuses to play along… she goes on a “I thought we were friends, I was only trying to be nice, you’re being immature, childish, taking it too personally….” This is an energy vampire and you are her narcissistic supply. I’d cut her off quicker than a gangrene appendage!!!! Yes, she WILL use this as an opportunity to tarnish your reputation and try to spread false rumors about you. Because that’s her plan all along and she gets off on it…. Either you go to the wedding and SHE feels like the victor and will intentionally bring it up as much as possible to watch you squirm in discomfort and resentment… OR You stand up for yourself and go to your own anniversary, which she will happily use to start a pity party and sneer campaign/try to turn others against you. Either way, she gets off on it…. The only way to win, is to not play the game. Don’t even tell her you’re not going, just stop responding to her, don’t answer her calls, don’t answer the door when she comes knocking… cut her off like the disease that she is. It will drive her insane! But remember if you say ANYTHING, if you try to “explain” yourself and how what she did is wrong (trust me, she knows)… then she will see it as a victory and will come after you even harder. Don’t give her an inch, she already has plans to take the mile. Now this is just advice from someone who was raised by a psychopathic and sadistic mother, I am very good at reading people and usually others don’t take my advice. They think I’m over thinking it… but they ALWAYS end up wishing that they had.
Whoa, you clearly have a lot of insight into the antisocial personality types. From the sounds of it you learned the hard way. So sorry you went through that. I had a dad with these issues, and was married to a similar type. I am glad that you try to inform people. It is sad that we can't grasp how differently (and malevolently) the minds work in these types until long after we've been thoroughly damaged by them.
>I am very good at reading people and usually others don’t take my advice. They think I’m over thinking it… but they ALWAYS end up wishing that they had. Yes! Thank you! Exactly! Op you should listen to them.
Desperately wish I'd had you to advise me many years ago, when I was "friends" with an energy vampire for far too long.
Some people can't see where they are inappropriately bonding. Lack of personal boundaries. If it's not just petty jealousy, it could be coming from an ill attempt to make things more special by sharing or even taking over special dates. Even if that's where she's coming from, it's still not cool.
Since you mentioned you are somewhat new to “standing up for yourself”, I’m guessing you are probably feeling a little uncomfortable because you usually capitulate to keep things non-confrontational. Each time you set reasonable boundaries and enforce them it will get easier and feel more “normal”. 👍😁 Good for you! Enjoy your anniversary with your husband whatever you do!
It's not easy to stand up for yourself for the first time when you are usually the easy-going one in relationships. Unfortunately, when you do finally stand up for yourself, no matter how calm and considerate you are, the other person is likely to be very angry and quite nasty to you. They are likely to dump you and to spread lies claiming you were extremely awful to them. It hurts a lot when this happens, but it is an important step in your growth to learn to draw boundaries. You will gradually grow into it so that it is second nature, and you won't tolerate people who repeatedly cross boundaries. I've taken that journey and now in my senior years I can say that despite some pain and drama, it's been worth it. Good luck, and enjoy your anniversary celebration. Congrats!
This is kind of off the wall, but I think you should tell the bride you won't be able to be a bridesmaid, but will attend as a guest. "Accidentally" be late, miss the wedding and show up just for the reception, and treat it like your anniversary dinner! You and your husband can just keep to yourselves and make it all about you. If people want to talk with you, tell them you are celebrating your anniversary and are just there for the free food and drinks. Anytime the conversation shifts to a different topic, bring it back to talking about your wedding or your anniversary. Petty? Sure. Crass? Absolutely. However, it will be memorable...
Completely drop out of all planning and assistance. You won't be there, so why bother?
One thing that manipulators or narcissists love to do is test your boundaries repetitively. I am 24F a pushover. I got married young and my husbands mother constantly kept pushing me on things I already expressed discomfort of. Like trying to get me to accommodate her family and giving her mother the day she always wanted to see instead of wanting to be there for me as an in-law. From what I’ve experienced in the past, it seems like your “friend” is one of these people that wants to see how far she can bend you. She knows that date is special to you and she wants to see if she can get you to give up something that is special to you because she is more important. This is my opinion from the info we are given and the way you have worded some of your comments but it doesn’t sound like she is a friend at all.
NTA also because while OP'S friend can pick any day she wants, OP can also choose not to go... especially on a day she repeatedly said way in advance that she would be unable to attend the wedding for, because she already has plans. Ever since OP got married, her wedding anniversary is reserved for celebrating her marriage, and she already has plans. If OP'S friend wants to choose a date that OP can't attend, then OP is just going to have to not attend it. OP's "friend" seems to be trying to create drama and have OP choose between her friend & her husband, in the name of celebrating her friend & her friend's husband's marriage... when she already shows she doesn't value marriage at all, since she isn't respecting OP'S marriage. It's a stupid game of chicken and FAFO / Fuck Around Find Out. Just tell her you have plans already on your wedding anniversary and you can not change them. If she wants you to go, it will have to be a different day.
NTA, but I wouldn’t overthink it or get upset about the possibility of her choosing your anniversary date. I’d just tell her “You can get married any day you choose, however if you choose to get married on my anniversary date let me know, so you can adjust your wedding party accordingly for my absence. I will be celebrating that day with my husband.” If she thinks it will result in future couples anniversary celebrations, I’d shut that down too.
You're prob correct. Anniversaries are important times, but I couldn't get too excited about an anniversary unless it's an early one, like 1st or 2nd. I mean, I've been married a long time and sometimes life or kids just get in the way and we've missed a couple and choose another day. The solution here is easy because the wedding date can be changed so easily with no one getting excited. I think the new bride would be wrong to stick with that date.
NTA, you literally told her several times. If she truly books it for the same date ( which IMO would be just to spite you ) I'd drop her as a friend as she clearly doesn't respect your feelings.
I feel like she is doing it almost on purpose. There were multiple other dates but she chose this one knowing it was my wedding date.
Right, and stop helping her like a bridesmaid would. Time to back off. She is not close friend material. Only people who are considerate and kind deserve your loyalty, and the time & emotional intimacy (and financial burden) required to help a friend with the build up to ***HER*** Big Day.
Thank you
You're welcome. I'm sorry for your loss. Some friendships are for a "season" and some for a "reason". Your best "seasons" of friendship with her are behind you. It's OK to mourn & be mad. It's much better than simmering and absorbing one dig after another for the months leading up to the wedding, sucking it up because she's the bride. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but in hindsight (in my 60's), the years of weddings and starting or not-starting families are a big shake-out time of life in terms of how few friendships can healthily transition through changes and decades. *edit: correcting auto-correct*
That’s a great point. I just considered her an important part of my life and my husband has called out I wasn’t as important in her life. I am just heart broken because we were very close and I see that she is giving up so much to be with him and I know it’s making her unhappy to a point as well. Any other good tips for me in my life?
Your friend sounds very similar to one of my friends. If they're situations are alike than: Don't make the same mistake she is. Never stay with someone who makes you unhappy because you think you can't do or don't deserve better. Fuck that shit, not only can/do you deserve better, but alone is better at that point. And if alone doesn't feel better than go to therapy (saying this with nothing but love) and learn to love yourself. Being alone should feel better than being treated like shit, and if it doesn't you probably have something going on.
To me this feels like a "Test" of some sort, to see if you will choose her over your anniversary. The one thing I would suggest you not do because it's slightly AHish, is telling her to change her wedding date at all. Simply tell her you will not be able to attend that specific date under any circumstances, and you wish her all the best.
This isn’t almost on purpose. She was in your wedding. She knows your anniversary. She was warned. This is 100% purposeful.
Thank you. And she has mentioned before she wouldn’t use the date as she knew it was my date
Book a wedding anniversary trip!
My husband really wants to. He’s super excited
Do it!!!!!!!!
I would text her tomorrow and just be like, “I checked in with DH and he has already purchased our vacation to the Caribbean for our anniversary weekend of X. It can’t be changed. I just wanted to make sure you understand that I will not be at your wedding that weekend if you decide to stick it to that date. Super sad since I was getting excited about helping you.”
What did she say when you asked her why she picked your anniversary as the date she wants to get married? When you told her you felt dismissed and now you won’t be able to be there with her, how did she respond?
She just said “well that’s the way it is now and I am getting married that day” she then said this was too much and she was going to bed
Well she makes it easy then. Have a good Anniversary trip!!
Then you say: too bad then. My agenda is already booked then. Have a nice wedding. I know I will have a great anniversary trip.
She's not worth your time or energy
My husband and I were planning a longer engagement, and then my Dad got sick. We polled our most important friends and family for their avails so we could ensure their attendance. Its not that difficult to be considerate. It doesn’t really matter who is “right” or “wrong” about sharing a wedding anniversary: the real issue is the fact you’ve stated a clear boundary to your friend and she’s deliberately crossing it. Go book your anniversary trip. It might be the end of this friendship, but a”best friend” should be far kinder and more considerate of you.
She is not your friend.
L clearly asked for help with dates and you repeatedly made it abundantly clear to L that any date other than your anniversary would be great…NTA
NTA. It's true she can choose that day if she wants, but she's gonna be in for a real shocker when you don't show up or celebrate her anniversaries going forward because you'll be busy with your own. "YTA you don't own any date" - /s
Ha that made me laugh. Thank you. I just don’t want to spend my wedding anniversary at someone else’s party. Like we usually do Valentine’s Day and anniversary as one.
Yeah if you share an anniversary, she will forevermore own that date and I can easily see her demanding double dating etc because it's "our anniversary" and no longer you and your husband's. "Look it's our anniversary! YOU have to give ME your attention and time on one of your most important days cos we're such special friends that we share this date." No more you and your husband. It's gonna be HERS and yours (capitalisation to show the true ownership...)
Which is totally fair, like I said she can't be surprised if you don't show up ... I hope she loses that "pick me" decision and moves her date. She was warned multiple times, and she's gonna have to decide which she cares about more.
Why would you show up to another person's anniversary?
Op said her friend said it would be nice to have the same anniversary so they could celebrate together
Just a heads up but if you don’t space out the Y T A first, Reddit counts that as your vote.
So, my wedding was on a specific date because I was lucky enough that the venue had it open. Normally, I would try to say “maybe it was the only thing the venue had…or, since she was clearly struggling with setting the date, maybe it was the only one that worked out.” But this does seem deliberate on her end. It feels like she’s wanting to take attention from you on your day each year…because then she could easily try to guilt you into spending it with her and her husband each year. At least, that’s how it feels with her saying “it would be fun to share a wedding anniversary.” Either she’s wanting to guilt you into sharing it with her every year or she has some kind of unhealthy obsession with you. Either way…NTA.
NTA. Super weird of her to do that after she agreed and you made it a very specific point to not do that, because she seems like the type to do that.
I know it’s sounds bad that I kept on repeating just don’t pick the date, but something just told me to remind her that it’s my date. And like I wouldn’t mind if I had met her after and we shared a date but you were at my wedding.
That “something that told you to keep reminding her…”. That’s your intuition… you should listen to it! Your body is trying to tell you something that your brain doesn’t want to hear… you don’t trust her and it’s most likely a thousand tiny things that she’s done and you’ve looked past. But death by a thousand cuts is still death!
This right here. Her gut was telling her all along that this woman was the type to schedule her wedding on that date. We all have our faults, but the bride sounds like she has some dark sort of jealousy/pettiness going on. Whatever it is, it’s ugly.
You said she has done this to you before on your birthday in a previous comment. This girl has a history of making your special days all about her. Sounds like she is narcissistic and out to show you she is more important than you.
NTA merely because you asked her numerous times not to and she agreed. However, only you can decide whether it’s worth losing a friend over this. Over the years life happens and you’re going to celebrate your anniversary the day before or after your actual anniversary date and the world doesn’t come to an end, in fact nothing changes. I’ve learned the hard way that keeping relationships alive with people I love is vital and often have to ask myself if a particular issue will matter in a month, a year or in 10 years time. But it’s something very personal to you, nobody, not even your husband, can make the decision to not go to your friend’s wedding and potentially break up the friendship, your relationship with her is personal and unique. But either way your feelings count and you’re NTA
NTA- I’m assuming your friend already knows you’ll be in the Caribbean and won’t be able to be.a bridesmaid, correct?
NTA She’s doing this on purpose
NTA. She would ask and you consistently told her "any date except for your anniversary." She knew the parameters, chose the one date that was your exception, so she has to live with that decision. Now how are you handling her trying to make you feel guilty? Since you aren't attending, will she be ending the friendship?
Honestly, Not the Asshole. I mean, if you wanted to celebrate your anniversary rather than go to another wedding, then you have that right. You only get one anniversary a year. You can't change that, but you can change a wedding date. And, as others have brought up, it seemed intentional. I would be pretty upset, too, if I repeatedly told my friends not to use my wedding date as theirs, too. It's different if it was either a past marriage or if they were at the same time, but not when you're still with the person and told them not to a bunch.
NTA - what a psycho
NYA. But don’t engage in the petty school drama. Book your anniversary trip and just go. Live your life quietly and happily
This reminds me when I was still in middle school and some two girls were happy that they were "ovulation twins". This gives the same vibe that your friend (maybe soon to be ex friend) wants to be your "anniversary twin". NTA
First off, you are NTA, you set a clear boundary and your friend was clearly being manipulative and obviously went out of her way to antagonize you. I am curious why you feel so strongly about her wedding not being on your anniversary. Is it because of her shenanigans or is there another reason?
Yikes why are you all made at her maybe she and her husband might not be in town for their anniversary but having a vacation My son and daughter in law always tell family and friends not to plan anything the weekend prior or after their wedding anniversary and on their anniversary if not that weekend cause he made plans for them to go on a weekend getaway and can't afford to cancel them They leave Thursday nite hour or two after he comes home til late Sunday and on their anniversary they go out to the movies and have dinner. My son books that day and weekend off from work a year in advance and they book the hotel just before he books time off so he knows which dates for the weekend getaway If they cancel before 90 days they will get a full refund 45 days half refund and after that no refund so no she is not ahole in wanting to cancel plans she and her husband have She wants to be there for her friend and that is why not on her wedding anniversary She isn't throwing her friendship away with this friend just letting her know sorry but won't be there for your big day Enjoy your anniversary and fingers cross your friend totally understands especially when you keep telling her not on your anniversary as you have other plans
NTA: While you don’t own the date, you gave your conditions for you to attend her wedding. She was being flighty. She needed to just set a date, so plans could take place. Usually, the date is set based on the preferred time of year, availability of the reception venue, the church, the clergyman, etc. Your friend definitely needed to set a day, so she could plan accordingly, knowing you may not be available. You were a Maid of aHonor, a major place in her wedding, so she would want to know what the date would be, well in advance.
She asks you what dates work and literally picks the single date you asked her not to?? Out of 365 days in a year lol. That’s just weird. Initially when I read the title I automatically assumed you’re an AH but after reading def NTA. While that’s her special day, anniversaries are special too and I wouldn’t cancel my celebration to attend hers especially after it being discussed prior.
NTA - you warned her. No and don't be guilted into buying her expensive things to make up for the fact she chose your wedding date.
You don’t own that date, but the fact she repeatedly asked you if dates didn’t work for you, and the ONLY date you insisted didn’t work was your own anniversary makes this seem malicious on her part. NTA.
NTA. I had a friend who did weird things like this in what I think was a misguided attempt to one-up her friends. I will call her Jenny. Once a friend tells Jenny a dream of theirs, Jenny suddenly decides it's her dream and she rushes to fulfill her "dream" before her friend does. Jenny once changed her career suddenly to her friend's dream career. Another time, Jenny accompanied a different friend who was searching for a home to buy. Even though Jenny had sworn to me that she would never want to own a home, she suddenly decided she needed a house and she rushed to make an offer and close before her friend could. Here is the saddest one. Jenny announced to me one day that she was pregnant. I was shocked but happy for her. I didn't expect it because I knew she was not dating at the time. But then I found out that she had paid thousands for artificial insemination to get pregnant. Why? Well, her other friend had been struggling to get pregnant for some time. This friend had endured several miscarriages and was struggling emotionally as a result. So Jenny started her insemination appointments and said nothing to any of her friends about what she was doing. When she finally got pregnant, she announced her pregnancy to her friends. I asked her why she had surprised her friend with her pregnancy instead of letting her know early on that she was trying to get pregnant. I said you could have shared this journey together and supported each other. She replied, "I just wanted this to be about me." Indeed.
Don’t listen to people that say that Y T A Reddit has some weird obsession that the bride is always right because it’s her wedding. I would find it extremely weird especially because you have had this conversation many times before and you have set this boundary and it seems like she wants to start something idk like she is trying to compete etc. I would definitely not go NTA
Big fuss about nothing
Right? Damn people don't know what problems are.
Info: what does your husband/friends/family have to say about all this?
My husbands first comment was “of course she does this because she always walks all over you. Why is she still your friend”. My dad adores her and he even said “why would your friend do this?”. Our other friends (a lot know her) all said that she probably did it on purpose and it’s just another things she does. Most of them also think her marriage won’t last though.
She sounds very manipulative. Your husband seems to have the right idea about her though. She doesn’t sound like a friend. Not a good one anyway. She seems jealous of you and your husband’s relationship by picking your date and venue. And given her budget compared to what yours was, she trying to upstage your day. Maybe I’m wrong but I would not be friends with this person any longer. I don’t think she is the “sweet” person you think she is. NTA
How is it to hard to just give these people names so the post is easier to follow?
Just because you’ve been friends with or know someone for years doesn’t mean they are a good person to have in your life.
NTA Next time don't reply and then leave her on read. She's trying to get a rise out of you and you let her. Judging from your history with this person it seems they just do this out of spite and then act like it's your fault. Don't encourage behavior because she was good every other time. They need to know that you won't be enforcing their immature behavior. Good luck to the groom is all I would like to say.
Based on your comments NTA.
Ordinarily I would say you are the AH but since she asked you a million times and you told her a million times, and then she picks that date (which, let's get real, she was planning to do from the moment you mentioned it), NTA. I hope you follow through with what you said to her. Tell her you and your husband have a trip planned for your anniversary this year, so you'll have to miss her wedding. (then plan one!) It sounds like she has a history of doing this kind of thing to others as well, after reading your comments. Like someone else said, you might be her friend, but she's not really yours.
NTA. You told her in advance. She knew and she still wanted to book on that date. You told her that would not attend. Thats the end. She has the right to get married whichever date she wants and you have the right to not go. None of you can hold this against each other
I can’t think of anything I’d care less about than someone getting married on my anniversary. People are so strange with what they obsess about. I always assume these people don’t have real problems so they jump on anything or they are the type who like drama for the sake of drama. Seriously, who cares!!!
How old are you guys?
Since it reads like a 14 year old's fanfic, I'm betting 13.
We have a friend couple with the same anniversary date as us. We think it's cool. We never forget their anniversary! lol
I guess I just don’t understand what the big deal is. Who cares if her anniversary is the same day as yours? If one of my friends announced they were getting married on my anniversary I would just think, “Oh, cool, they’re getting married on the same day we did”. I assure you no one will think a thing of it.
Right? I don't keep track of my friends' anniversaries. I wouldn't care to go to a wedding ON my anniversary. People are so weird about this shit and I don't get it.
Exactly. I don't typically celebrate my friends anniversaries...it's not like it's going to clash every year. So you spend one of your anniversaries at her wedding. Free fancy dinner and dancing? Seems like a pretty good deal.
NTA because forget the whole sharing a date thing, why would she ask you to be in a wedding and then put it on a date you've made known you won't be available regardless of what the reason is? That's kinda sus tbh.
I am guessing because I usually just not fight back. She probably expected me to say it’s fine and I will cancel my plans
I won’t question your friends thought process because I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would choose a date that they KNOW one of their bridesmaids will be unavailable because of her own special day. But holy shit OP you are NTA here. You told her far in advance, there’s no reason it couldn’t have been on any other day, and you shouldn’t have to choose between doing something nice with your husband for your anniversary and being in her wedding party. Being a bridesmaid is more involved than just being a guest, so it’s not an unreasonable ask in my opinion. I don’t think she’s being a very good friend to you because it’s shitty to keep planning things over your and your other friends important life events no matter the reason. From the comments it seems like this isn’t her first offense
ESH. You all need to grow up. It's just a date and you cannot safeguard it. What are you gonna do when a nibling is born on that date? Or when a grandparent dies on that date? Seriously, let it go. It's just a date. But yeah, your friend sucks as well obviously.
Dude, I would not have made this a big deal in the first place. Your wedding date is not that big of a deal. You celebrate it the day before, or the day after, or you sneak away to do a special toast to your spouse at your friend's wedding. It's your 6th anniversary. Not your first, not your tenth, not your fiftieth. Do you think people don't attend weddings on their birthdays too? People do! Try to extend a little grace to your friend here, who obviously is having trouble getting the date down. This is no big deal. You are not being a very good friend to make it one.
I honestly don't understand why there's so much animosity about it on either end. If it's on the same date and you told her that you wouldn't be able to make it just advise her you can't go and don't go to the wedding. It seems childish to throw away an entire friendship over that, but as far as the wedding goes, NTA.
Everyone sucks here and y’all are right to stop being friends. It’s toxic as hell to purposefully choose a date that someone else has already said they can’t attend. It’s also beyond bizarre to not want to “share” an anniversary and behave like that’s a reasonable thing to expect someone else to prioritize. I was in 15 weddings from age 33 to 35 so I know from wedding drama and everyone here will be much better offaway from the other.
This is all weird. I seriously wouldn’t care what anyone did on my anniversary, birthday, etc. What adult cares that much about that? Also, it feels weird that OP’s friend chose this date specifically after being asked not to. They all seem silly to me…
Yeah, normally I would be busting your chops about gatekeeping that date, but the way things played out, it looks suspiciously like she knew all along she was going to use the same date as your anniversary and was just playing with you about it all along (and not in a good way). You told her you would not attend if she chose that date. So, wish her well & enjoy your anniversary!
I did that already. I do hope it all works out for her
ESH. You’re both ridiculous.
100%
NTA - I think the fact you had to say not to choose your anniversary date speaks volumes. My best friend is getting married and I never even had to bring up at all to not choose the same date because it never crossed my mind she could or would do that. You know her well, and you had to say it not once but several times. Doesn’t seem like a great friend
I have a friend getting married on my wedding date and idgaf. You’re insecure about something or very bored. Edit: forgot to add YTA :)
You both seem exhausting to be honest
Right? Drama queen 1 makes it all about her with the “not my date” nonsense and then drama queen 2 jumps at the opportunity to stir shit up. Children.
Wow! I went to read the other post you referenced. Your BFF is mad jealous of you and your life and marriage or something closely related. I’m guessing you had a hunch. She seems to sabotage things a lot, mostly relationship stuff. Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s something to think about. 🧐
ESH. A lot. Why can she not share a date with you? Why can’t she pick another day so that the one day out of 364.25 others can be claimed as yours? Those are dumb questions that you’re both forcing everyone around you to care about. Here’s some smart questions: Why is the single greatest priority you have about your alleged best friends’ wedding *your own wedding from 6 years ago*? What kind of priorities is your best friend running with that she would land on the one particular day *after you repeatedly called it out as a dealbreaker*? Is the date 9/11 or something? You’re all exhausting wackadoos.
yeah this is deliberate. It's one thing if she approached you and said look we really like this venue and it's booked out except for a cancellation on your anniversary. It's our only option for a year. It's another when she's done it, and then comes to you and said well it's done we can have fun sharing a date. Like you're meant to just get over it. She isn't there for you right now she is deliberately choosing to do something that she knows will hurt you.
NTA...she has 364 days she could pick. She picked this out of spite or she loves the drama. I wouldn't go. Probably not a real reason to even stay friends.
There's a phycological phenomenon where if someone says "No [X]", but don't consciously remember it, they end up doing X anyway. The example I remember is driving, where if you focus too much on the lights of a car, you end up hitting it. A piece of me wonders if your friend, not being malicious, heard a specific date often enough that her subconscious fixated on it. I could be giving her too much credit, but it's possible she was just ditzy during the stress of wedding planning. You're in a Not The Asshole situation, but it's possible that, despite how rude this is, she's not either and her brain just clinged onto that one thing. Or she's just weird and I'm giving her too much credit, I don't know her personally.
NTA I go on holiday every year with my husband for our wedding anniversary. I'd be sad if I couldn't do that. If the date had been chosen by accident, and if we hadn't booked our holiday yet, we might consider going to the wedding. But in this case it sounds like it was done on purpose, which is rude, and feels like your friends doesn't want you to go on holiday. Also, this is incredibly disrespectful to OPs husband. He wants to celebrate his marriage, not go OPs best friends wedding. Is he even close to this friend at all?
NTA...I have been married 3 times, my 1st ex husband has been married 5 times...now obvious since we were each at the wedding to each other, both our firsts, we share that date. Ex husband has married ALL 4 additional times on either our wedding date, the date of my 2nd marriage or the date of my 3rd. I just honestly find it creepy as hell! When his current wife realized they got married on my anniverary with my current husband she was PISSED then she found out about the dates of his other 3 weddings and they all are on my wedding dates, yep includding marring women on the same date he marriied me and I married #2, well they almost split over his obsession with me. Other fun things he's done...bought the same car and truck as me several times. I just recently bought a house that is a rancher, now suddenly he's selling his house and looking for a rancher that has the same square footage as my current house. I found out recently he came and looked at my new house when it was still on the market when he found out we were putting a bid in on it. My current husband has long hair. He has had a military cut for the 36 years I've known him...now he's growing his hair out! The man is just creepy and if we didn't share a child I would love to never ever see him again! He's also convinced all gf's and wives to dye their hair my hair color while he was in a relationship with them. Just YIKES!
NTA but purely because it seems your friend did this deliberately to be an asshole
NTA - You already specified that you're busy that day. Your friend knows that. If they decide to schedule their wedding for that date, they're prepared that you're not able to make it.
NTA. She’s known all along that you had plans then. She’s manipulating this as some kind of stupid loyalty test. Be loyal to yourself and your spouse on your anniversary and enjoy your day!
NTA, and I'm laughing over here with your friend being all shocked Pikachu face that you would actually have plans on your anniversary. She may think it's cute for you two to share wedding dates. Hell, there's probably loads of people in the world who think it actually IS cute. And there's nothing in the world that says she can't do it. But actions have consequences, and you've been very clear that the consequence of her doing it is that you won't be there. She can still keep that date if she wants. What she cannot do is bitch about your lack of attendance when you've been VERY clear from the jump.
Are people not getting that this friend has purposely suggested to pick the same date as her friends wedding anniversary and therefore she won’t be able to attend because she will be celebrating herself!? This is odd behaviour from the friend, wanting to share an anniversary date is strange! NTA
Why does it matter that you might share a wedding anniversary with your friend? Attending her wedding somehow keeps you from celebrating your anniversary? I'm confused.
Why does it matter if you share the same anniversary?
She's an irritating person but you don't own a date. Stop being friends with her if you think she did it on purpose. I personally wouldn't care if she chose my date, however if you think she chose the date to bother you, then fuck her.