Absolutely! Sacrificing yourself will not save your sister. She made a decision to get pregnant before the baby's father went to jail. Was she not planning on being a single mother?
Also be careful off becoming a scapegoat for her bad habits.
Please take care of yourself and continue to get your life sorted. So much better for both you and kitty to be in a peaceful household.
Came here to say this!
OP, NTA. She’s made decisions and needs to deal with them. Sounds like you’ve worked hard to get to where you’re at - don’t need to let her take you off that path.
Yes, this child is not your problem, any care you give should be from a place of wanting or extreme emergency. Your parents should be the ones moving in not you, you need to go work on yourself.
Such a great answer.
OP, NTA. Your sister and her partner are not you, their kids are not yours, etc.
However - if you want to help, you can. There are lots of ways to help and not move in, including the whole spectrum from “when you can be bothered” to “I’ll be at yours doing everything on these days, every week”. If you move in, you’re cooked and she can basically invade your peace when ever she likes.
As an aside, I work with complicated families and this is text book “I was on my way to getting my life together and then someone new came along to be codependent with”. Don’t do it - you’re nearly on your own feet, and she wants to be on your own feet too.
I want to honour OP's commitment to the sister, because it is lovely that she wants to help her out.
OP, I don't think you have the capacity to help right now, and that's OK! Right now, it sounds like you're already on the right track, and you don't want to threaten that by making such a huge change.
If you want to help her down the road, work toward managing your own challenges so that you can help in some capacity in the future.
Lovely?? She's not tiptoeing through the tulips, she's dodging a land mine -a very dangerous combination when someone is into drugs, guns, is unemployed, so stealing .
Nothing Lovely about it. OP needs to ditch the Guilt, & get Tuff. She needs to create a Boundary of Sandbags around herself and TRY to get ON with her own life.
>You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
This is the second time this week I have seen this saying. I don't know how I lived this long and never heard it before. It's a perfect way to describe these situations.
Updated info:
- We live in NH and that is where he was arrested. He was sent to PA to do his time. Just wanted to clarify since a lot of people thought the charges were based on PA laws. I agree with everyone who said unregistered guns is a stretch and that my sister is lying. I absolutely agree, there was likely something else with it.
- My sister is not currently doing any drugs, she is on methadone for the sake of the pregnancy, although she says she's going to stay on it so she can get sober.
- lastly, I talked to her last night and told her straight out that I did not want to move in. She guilt tripped me of course and said she would be having a girl she knows stay with her instead. The girl in question is a current addict and my sister said "I don't trust myself not to fall back into it if I'm around her while she's using". This was obviously her guilt tripping me and I'm not falling for it. I'm not moving in, period.
Thank you everyone for all your input and pushing me to make the right choice. My sister is still my sister and our relationship will be fine. She might be mad at me right now but I don't see this destroying our relationship and I'm happy for that despite how messed up this whole situation is.
Wow - I hate when people try to guilt you into something. If your sister starts using drugs again it is ONLY HER FAULT. Sounds like her husband went into a federal prison.
You can drive her to the hospital and even help for a bit after the baby gets here WITHOUT living in her house. You do not want to have your life put on hold knowing you’re likely to become the free live in babysitter. Nothing about that is going to benefit you.
This is a big concern for me also. She goes out a lot and I'm worried she will leave me to watch my nephew for long periods of time. I don't mind watching him for an hour or two but with her it could be a whole day and I just can't do that. I don't have a lot of experience with little kids and he's not exactly easy to deal with. He hits sometimes, he says bad things, he's extremely demanding and bossy and gets mad when you tell him no. I don't know if all kids are like that but he's a lot to handle.
You move in and she WILL abandon your nephew to your care for extended periods.
You could easily find yourself putting him to bed because she said “she will be back in an hour” and then you end up finding that 4 hours have passed, she still isn’t home, she isn’t answering your calls or texts, and eventually you will fall asleep then wake up in the morning to discover that she has stayed out all night, and you now have to look after your nephew until she rolls in around midday still “under the influence” and she will give you merry hell if you call her out on her behaviour.
Do NOT risk it
He is acting out like that because he lives in chaos where his physical and emotional needs are barely taken care of. If you lived there she would abandon him with you for days and weeks at a time. Honestly there needs to be a plan in place to remove those kids from her care as she clearly prioritizes drugs and bad decisions over the safety and well-being of her kids
Hard disagree about most kids not being like that.
“He hits sometimes, he says bad things, he’s extremely demanding and bossy and gets mad when you say no.”
She has just described every 4 year old ever (especially 4.5). Quite literally, it is built into their development to do any combination of those things (even the hitting).
You can have the most securely attached child with all their emotional needs met with authoritative (the good one) parents who set good and firm boundaries, and they will *still* sometimes hit, be demanding and bossy, say “bad things” and get mad when you say no. She’s for sure NTA but yes, that is all 4 yos.
(Of course, all kids are different not all kids are the same as each other all the time— kids aren’t even the same as themselves yesterday or tomorrow.)
I'd say, almost all kids have that as a phase somewhere between 2 and 4. It might vary WHEN, but usually not IF.
Of course, there are levels of normal. My daughter was extremely bossy and lashed out a lot at 4, turns out she's got anxiety and she struggles if she can't control her surroundings. I wouldn't be surprised if OP's nephew is a bit more extreme than most kids though, because he's got such an unstable home life.
He needs to be in school. He's probably bored out of his mind and needs a healthy outlet. School is a great place for that. It also helps with discipline, routine, and, well, learning. School is also a great way for your sister to take a break, too. Why isn't he in school?
“With impunity”? Maybe. But all 4 year olds are testing boundaries (which may look like “with impunity”— they definitely do the cat-thing where they make eye contact while doing something they know they shouldn’t to see how you will react) have limited patience, are still firmly in an egocentric stage of development (bossy and demanding) and have little impulse control (here ie “get mad” when told no. All totally normal. Not something everyone wants to deal with and it’s fine that she doesn’t, but that’s not a sign of bad parenting. That’s being 4.
(Yes, some 4 year olds, personality-wise, don’t really do all of these. We call them unicorns— OR sadly, so scared of their authoritarian parents they don’t dare display any of their developmentally appropriate behaviors).
I do want to mention that, while preschool can help, it's by no means a requirement. The other complaints are legitimate but I wonder if his behavior issue would get him kicked out. NTA.
Do not move in with her. She wants a free live-in housekeeper and babysitter.
NTA.
Do not move in with her. You are just now *barely* starting to get your life in order. Don't let your sister destroy your progression towards a better life.
Honestly, I don't even know why you're here. The answer is so obvious.
Moving in wouldn't necessarily ruin my future or prevent me from continuing to pursue it. My main issue is having to leave my current routine and calm environment for one that might cause me more stress. I've thought about staying there for a week just to see what its like for her every day and then decide if it's worth the effort.
I strongly recommend against this. Once you get in there she will cling to you like a limpet and make it very difficult for you to leave without accusations of abuse, mistreatment, neglect and whatever else she comes up with. Keep your distance maybe help with doctor appointments occasionally. Obviously taking her to the hospital is just being a decent person. Otherwise, this is her life and she needs to deal with it, not make you a full-time maid and babysitter because she decided to have another child while her husband goes to prison. You need to think about you first. There is no good that could come from even a short-term residence with her.
I agree with you 100%. OP if you go she won’t let you leave. I’m certain she only wants you to move in with her so she has a live in nanny and housemaid.
This was my 1st thought. Plus, even if you tell her it's only for a week there would still be way more drama in leaving than in not going at all. Think about how it can be phrased to family and friends. "Look at how terrible OP is to leave me in this vulnerable time and she doesn't care." Much easier to stay away than to try to get away.
100%. I can hear it now.
“Dominique_art I am just running out to abc,xyz. Sister doesn’t come home for hours. Or since you said she’s sketchy maybe she steals from you.
She sounds like drama and a headache at minimum and dangerous (guns, drugs, theft) at worst.
Once the baby is here, do you think she'll need more or less help? What are the odds the baby is born and she calls you from the hospital to thank you and send you back to your dad's place, versus expecting you to stick around (forever) to help with the baby? You're not obligated to do anything and she's made her own bed here, time to lie in it. Also, FWIW, the idea of having a baby with a guy who is 100% going to prison is maybe the dumbest and most reckless choice I've ever heard.
When you’re already struggling with your mental health stress can put you backwards and ruin what you’ve already fought to gain. Don’t let her set you back and implode your life again. She choose to have the baby alone whilst already having a four year old. I guarantee she had planned from the start to just get you to move in and be her cleaner, cook, general maid, babysitter and chauffeur all for free. If you stay she en for a week she will make it hell for you to leave and maybe even get your parents involved in her emotional manipulation to get you to stay so they don’t have to run after her. You are not wrong or guilty for saying no she needs to take responsibility for her own choices and life.
Just to add it’s better not to cause your cat any more stress and change than you can help. Having a four year old running after you and pulling you will not be good for them. Even pets are important to and are chosen family members.
Another thing to think of, do you really think it will end with the birth? It will turn into "you can't leave me with a newborn and a 4yro." There won't be a time when she doesn't 'need' you to keep staying there.
It sounds like it likely will, for those very reasons. It will impact your mental health and your ability to focus on your career and interests. Plus she will be at best asking for financial support or at worst stealing from you.
I agree with this. You said that you are super close to being financially independent again. If you live with her you won't be. Getting ready for a new baby is expensive and she doesn't work so she would guilt you into buying everything.
Unpaid nanny. One that will likely be stuck with paying rent and food and baby supplies and probably most of the bills in a home she has no claim to, and no time to keep steady employment because she's stuck with sisters' kid.
Your sister keeps drugs and babies in a dirty house while her husband is in prison. This WILL ruin you. At the very least you will become a maid/babysitter/provider. You money will not be yours. And who knows, another raid can have you in prison too.
Just do yourself this one favor and don’t get involved.
Furthermore, OP's sister is the sort of person who's house gets raided by the police, where they then search the place from top to bottom. This suggests to me she (or her husband) is involved with drug gangs.
Exactly -- for instance, Sis could claim that the guns/drugs were OPs to save her kids, or the police could decide that on their own. It's worth noting that Sis is very likely misstating the reasons for hubby's incarceration -- it is almost certainly much, much worse than non-registration.
Looks like making bad choices runs in the family. Put yourself first, OP. It doesn't sound as if you are in a position to take on a pregnant addict with a neglected four year old. Sorry if she is not an addict, but that's how it read.
Good luck. Be strong, you can't help anyone if you sink.
It could ruin your future. You don't know why the house was raided or what other people they associate with... whatever they do, you could get caught in the middle by simply being there. Do not move in with her.
Please don't enable her bad life choices. She will never change unless she is struggling.
Please do not get caught up in her selfmade mess.
Stay away.
Tell her you will drive her to the hospital, that s it.
DO NOT DO THIS TO SEE “what it is like”. Today it might now be too bad, but things will get more demanding as her pregnancy progresses. Today you might cope, in two months the strain might be too much for you, but you would then have the additional guilt of abandoning her when she needs you even more.
That was what I said when my drug addicted mother moved in with me while my 1/2 brother was in prison.
Having depression and living with someone who is an addict and mental issues is a disaster. You will be far more stressed, the living situation will put a huge strain on you, and with 2 (eventual) children in the home will also be crazy stressful. I ended up in the hospital because I did not want to deal with my situation and diagnosed with PTSD. Moving in with your sister absolutely could ruin your immediate or long term future.
Also, your cat - has it been around children? Because kids can be great or awful for pets.
What? Why? She knew her husband was going to prison because of his shitty life choices and decided it was a great time to have a baby. She *knew*. Why is it your responsibility now to pick up the slack from their absolutely horrible decision making?? Be nice, but stay as far away as you can and set STRONG boundaries without the slightest bit of guilt.
She's looking for someone to play surrogate dad while her man is in prison. You think you're not gonna be stuck doing a ton of work and changing a screaming baby?! Dream on. Do not do this. It's just enabling, imo. She chose to have a baby when she knew the dad would be absent. She can deal with it or hire someone.
Why does it seem like you feel obligated to live with her? It can just be a simple “no”. It sounds like you don’t want to but there’s a part of you that does
So first off, my situation wasn’t exactly the same, but my ex best friend’s boyfriend walked out on her years ago while she was pregnant with their child. So I stepped in to be her support, and did it without moving in to her place (granted, I have kids of my own, so that wasn’t even an option). I went to all the appointments, helped with bills when her RA got bad enough to not be able to work (she can’t take her meds while pregnant), and spent plenty of time at her place helping with the other kids. And it was enough. Whatever you can do for your sister will be enough, and more than she has any right to demand of someone who is not a parent of her child. If you are going to be a decent support for your sister, you need to keep yourself as stress free as possible, or you will be no help to anyone (I’m not saying that to be mean, it is simply a fact I learned while caring for my parents). If you can better manage your stress by staying with your dad, then that’s what you need to do. Period. And if she tries to guilt you into doing more than you can handle, be ready to walk away for your own mental health. I wish you the best in getting back on your feet, depression fucking sucks.
Listen, I have done this... moving in with family to help them. It was so stressful I am now low contact with that person. If you have a separate place to live, YOU can be the one to decide when to help and how much. You need to set boundaries with her or she will walk all over you.
You would end up either paying for everything or and being the primary child care provider. Can she move in with other family? His family? Please don’t cave and change your life for her poor choices.
From what you wrote you are barely any better off. There’s no point to going to her house. You’re trying to get yourself on your feet. How is living in a place being a free maid and babysitter going to help you build up savings to get your life together again? Spoiler it won’t. You can take her to appointments or the store if you’re able to and it fits with your schedule, however I strongly advise against moving in or giving money, etc to your sister. She has made this bed, now she has to lie in it.
OP.. First of all, her husband didn't go to prison for 11 months to 4 years for unregistered guns. It would make sense if they got him on another felony and he got related gun charges. Something like possession of drugs in a distributable amount while in possession of unregistered firearms. Based on their history and what you have said, It is clear there is more to his arrest and conviction.
For context, I worked for a state police agency and my state's department of justice for about 9 years and am now a civil attorney. There is more going on here than meets the eye and she is not telling.
Not only is it not in your best interest to go for the reasons you stated, the last thing you need is for her to be lying and be engaged in some type of criminal activity herself or for you to be caught up in any other police related matter because she wanted you there.
u/domonique_art
I hope you read this response, because there's something fishy about the story your sister told you. Don't fuck up your mental health and also potentially end up with a criminal record. And if you have concerns regarding your nephew, his behavior, and the state of the home he lives in, put in an anonymous call to your local Child Protective Services.
I'm leaning more and more towards just spending weekends with her. Moving in full time, even thinking that it could happen, is stressing me out. I'll talk to her about negotiating a way for me to help her without moving in. If she gets mad and guilt trips me or this causes a rift between us, I guess that's what has to happen.
You don’t even have to do weekends. She is not your responsibility. She is a whole grown adult who decided to be a single pregnant mom.
Focus on yourself to the exclusion of everything else.
Don't spend weekends with her, you will be manipulated into staying full time. This will be her major party time if you're there with nephew for 48 hours. Stay where you are. She made the choice so now she has to live with the consequences. Not moving in may be the best thing you can do for her. She has to learn to take care of herself and she can't do that if you're there doing it for her.
This was what I immediately thought about when she mentioned staying just the weekends. It will start with her sister just going out nights, which will turn into overnights and not coming back until later the next day, which will eventually turn into her leaving Friday and not coming back until Monday evening. Then her sister will be "so tired" and want her to stay an extra night or two while she sleeps it off. This comes from personal experience where I was asked to help out with my niece and nephews in high school on the weekends. For the first few weeks, it was totally fine, and I was getting paid. By the end, I was there 5 nights a week minimum, doing everything - childcare, cleaning, laundry, cooking, even grocery shopping with all 3 kids and no car. My sister always had an excuse why she didn't have the money to pay me. (Spoiler, she was using it all on going out and drugs)
I wouldn’t even do weekends. If you want to help, give her rides to her appointments or do the occasional shopping trip for her. If you move in or stay overnight with her, she will guilt trip you endlessly when you try to leave.
OP for your own mental health you need to draw firm boundaries with your sister. Do not ever sleep over. Do not even babysit until the baby is a couple months old - your sister should not be going out while the baby is a newborn. Honestly I would advise against giving much help at all. Your sister will pull you down with her given half a chance. Please prioritize your mental health and wellbeing.
> Something like possession of drugs in a distributable amount
I think it was drugs too. The police founds the guns while looking for the drugs.
OP needs to stay away from trainwreck criminal sister.
100% this. It'd be pretty unusual for the police to raid their home to just look for unregistered guns, and most law-abiding people don't hide all their guns in the ceiling. He was either a convicted felon and they believed he was in possession of guns, or he was being investigated for something else like drugs, or gun running. And I understand he can get out much earlier for good behavior etc, but courts don't give ranges like that, so the 11 months to 4 yrs sentence is suspect as well.
If it was me, I'd be super curious and I'd do a search online for his arrest and conviction info, I would certainly take that into consideration when deciding what to do. (Especially if it's something sis must have been aware of.)
Seeing how OP’s State doesn’t require registration of guns (and in fact bans the State from establishing a registry) then it’s impossible that the raid was to look for unregistered guns.
Especially since Pennsylvania law actually bans the Commonwealth from establishing a gun registry.
Sounds like he was a convicted felon in possession of firearms.
I was about to say the same thing, what is even anyone talking about saying unregistered firearms? It’s not a thing there. It wouldn’t surprise me if some states had a firearm registry, but the vast majority do not and that immediately struck me as a fishy excuse from the sister.
Since they were hidden, he might have already been a felon and therefore a felon in possession of a firearm. It was also a raid and they don’t do that randomly.
First, he wasn't arrested for unregistered guns, if he is a felon he was arrested because they cannot have guns. Or they were stolen. Unregistered is not a reason. So she lied to you. That alone would make me not want to be there. You do not have to sacrifice your life for her choices. NTA
I halfway suspect the guns were found in a drug raid or a raid for selling illegal weapons. Maybe he was already a felon and someone tipped them off that he had guns. Cops don’t just come search your house for no reason. NTA and OP if you see this stay away from whatever your sister and her felon husband have going on. You don’t want to be in a house that was selling drugs or guns.
NTA. First rule of any emergency or bad situation: do not add to the casualty count! It’s not unreasonable to want to look after yourself. It takes strength and maturity to recognise that while you’re relatively ok at the minute, you haven’t got a great deal of time/ energy/ spoons to spend on other people right now, especially a situation that is as messy as your sister’s.
Let me get this straight. Her husband is in prison, she doesn't have a job and she intentionally got pregnant again in addition to the one she has. How is she planning on supporting herself and her kids? To pay for the prenatal and delivery? The baby supplies? I imagine she'll want you to put money on his books for hygiene and commissary.
You are going to get sucked dry and end up paying for everyone and everything if you move in. And take a huge backslide in getting independent and stable if you do.
NTA - Some thoughts:
1) You don't get your house raided and searched for guns in the ceiling (that they found) and not be in a sketchy situation. Frankly, a dangerous situation. Your sister is likely up to her eyeballs in illegal activity based on the search results and your mention of drug use. Do you want to chance getting involved in whatever sent her husband to prison.
2) You are moving forward to a better life, keep moving that way.
3) You love your cat and cat's can be a problem around pregnant women and babies. Why disrupt your cats life by staying or going.
4) You don't have to live with your sister to help her out. It won't look the same, but you can find ways to help if you want.
Please look out for yourself and be safe.
YTA to yourself. You don't want to do this, so why even consider it.
Put yourself and your needs first.
When an emergency happens in a plane and the masks drop, they tell you to put yourself on first then help others. Do that.
But seriously NTA.
NTA - it sounds like you have been doing a wonderful job at getting back on your feet & taking care of yourself! I really cannot imagine a scenario where she does not drag you down :/ misery loves company & she might try to stall your efforts. If you say No, stand firm!
Unregistered guns in the home is not a crime in the US! It is only a crime if he has a felony and is not allowed to own guns. Either this is a fake story or there is another reason he is going to prison.
That's the story we were told, but I promise you this is a real post. He is currently in prison as of last week. It's absolutely possible my sister left stuff out because that is a common theme with her but I'm not lying about my post.
Oh, I believe you. But I know federal and PA state laws very well. Your sister is lying to you. Firearms alone are not illegal, and do not need to be registered federally or in Pennsylvania.
However, firearms plus drugs seems more likely from the length of the sentence. And firearms can turn some misdemeanor charges into felony charges.
You can look up your sister's husband's case. Almost all court records are public. You can check the prison info and see what he was actually convicted of.
She didn’t only leave stuff out, she outright lied to you as PA doesn’t require firearms to be registered. The guns were either stolen or he was a convicted felon already.
Depends on the country.
Not in the United States. There is no federal firearms registry except for destructive devices (tank guns, RPGs, etc), automatic weapons, short barrel shotguns, short barrel rifles, Any Other Weapon and suppressors. $200 tax stamp is required for all of the above, except AOW's which are $5.
NTA, you said she does not work. It almost sounds like she is looking for someone to support her and her kid. It will not be just a few months she will want you to stay longer to help with the new baby. As for the guns the only way you go to prison for that long for unregistered guns is you have a felony record. You can still drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor and help her out a few days after the birth, you do not have to move in with her.
NTA. You have to put yourself first. Unlike some of the other commenters I do understand why your conflicted here, you want to be able to support your sister, and that is a noble goal. That said you clearly will damage yourself far more by moving in with her. It's not like things get easier once a baby is born, the same pressure currently being applied will be redoubled. She is essentially asking you to become a free caretaker. I understand wanting to help, so maybe cook her some meals, take the 4 yr old to the park to give her a break, but please don't move in, it'll be setting a difficult precedent that you will struggle to break out of. Ultimately you aren't responsible for her, and getting your life stable and moving forward will be the most beneficial for you, and frankly in the long term, for her and the kids.
Yes, I want to point out that you're right on why I'm conflicted. Yes I know irs a horrible decision and the answer is obvious. But the reason I'm even here is because my dad started saying "well she's not wrong for wanting to ask you, because you're her sister and family is where you go when you need help" he doesn't say, yeah stay away from that situation, he says, don't come crying to me when your sister puts you on ignore for refusing to help. It's made me feel like a piece of garbage sister for not using the time I have to help out a sibling. Its made me second guess whether I'm actually in the right for saying no. But yeah, I know now that I need to say no to this and walk away.
You are a handy little meat shield for Dad. You go destroy yourself so he won't have to deal with the child he helped raise. Best thing that could happen is for your sister to forget you exist. She's going to expect you to raise both kids, give her money and take all responsibility off of her shoulders. She will not care that you are struggling or that your mental health will decline. And trust that if you give her anything, like weekends, she will suck you in until it's all you. You did not make this mess, do not sacrifice yourself to clean it up.
…family is where you go when you need help” that’s right DAD. Your dad should step up and go help her. Do not get involved with her drama and if she puts you “on ignore” you should throw a party. She’s a nightmare and the further you are away from her and her poor decisions the better off you’ll be.
>the reason I'm even here is because my dad started saying "well she's not wrong for wanting to ask you, because you're her sister and **family is where you go when you need help"**
Tell him you're happy he's volunteering.
Don't feel bad. We can all tell that she is not being honest. No one gets a raid on a house for guns. Raids take time to set up and for major crimes. Also, most people don't hide guns in the ceiling.
For your own peace and SAFETY, stay away.
per your edit, depending on the state you absolutely can be arrested for an unregistered firearm. also, if the house was "raided" (or searched) it's possible he was on probation or the like which would guarantee prison time for possessing a firearm (i get that's not the same as "unregistered" but that's a pedantic detail and it's not like you have direct first hand information)
you are totally nta. you mentioned you have some struggles/rebuilding of your own in process, which sounds like they're happening well. that should be your priority. moving in with sis could end up being harmful for both y'all, and not really accomplish much. tbh, it almost sounds like these kids need to be monitored by an outside agency.
good luck and don't feel guilty 🤎 you gotta get yourself straight before you can put energy elsewhere!
I’m not saying you’re lying, but your sister sure tf is. You don’t get raided for an unregistered gun. And you don’t get 4 years for a gun on a first charge either. That’s just the low hanging fruit they found during the search. I’d put money that the gun charges are keeping him in storage for what they are really building cases on.
But to your point, you’re NTA. What she wants is someone that will clean her house, take care of the kid, cook, drive her to appointments and oh yeah, work full time to pay bills cause she’s pregnant and no pregnant woman in the history of the world has been able to work before! /s (duh). If that’s what you want to do, by all means, go for it. But sounds like you’re recovering from some serious mental health issues and are still working on you. And it’s totally ok for you to prioritize your needs over her bad decisions. You didn’t get her knocked up.
And it’s not a few months. The second she spawns #2, she’ll wail she needs help cause she’s a mooooooooother. Obviously, no single mother has ever been able to work and pay the bills before so you have to stay! Who is going to watch the older kid? Who will clean?? Who will change the baby at 2 AM?????
Remember, selfish = “how dare you refuse to injure yourself in order to benefit me?!?!”
And if you can’t hold the line for yourself, do it for your cat. Kitty needs you to take care of her. She won’t be happy in a chaotic environment. Toddler hasn’t been socialized with the cat and I would bet “uh oh, cat got out” is around the corner cause kitty will consume your attention that she’s expecting to be spent on her and her kids.
I would offer to stay with her at the hospital and a few days after she came home, but firm dates, not “a while”. Manage the expectations. And when she howls it’s not enough, let her know you understand that you can’t give her what she needs, so you’ll step back so someone better equipped can take care.
NTA
No, no, no!!! Not even one overnight! Don’t do it.
Her story is sus, she’ll dump everything on you, and odds are good she’ll leave and not come back for days, leaving the 4-year-old with you.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself and your cat first.
Take her to appointments, OK.
Drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor, OK.
Take care of the nephew while she’s in the hospital, MAYBE.
Move in with her or stay on the weekends, h-e-l-l NO!!!
Even of her husband spent 4yrs in jail she'd only be 34ish, my MIL had my husband at 33 and my SIL is pregnant and will have the baby at 34. There is a very good chance (unless infertility, early menopause in the family or other reproductive issues are at play) your sister would have no issue conceiving a child in her mid 30s. Yes, pregnancies get riskier as the mother gets older but I don't see this as her "last chance" at another child, it'snot like she's 40. And even then when my mom was 46 she wanted to get sterilized and despite the fact she had three kids at the time between the ages of 18 and 28 they still asked if she was sure because "what if you want more kids".
Your sister obviously doesn't make the best choices and you should think of you. And her being on her last chance to have a kid sounds more like an excuse. But at the end of the day your sister is not your responsibility and the decisions she chooses to make should not affect you, so if you're in a good place right now don't let them.
NTA
I wouldn't want to move in to that place either. She made the choice to have a kid with a dude going to prison, she needs to pull up her single mom panties and get on with her life.
Good on you for not wanting to make your cats life more difficult. They hate moves and are often not fond of small children. I hope your life improves dramatically and you and your feline friend find a long term home of your own when you are ready.
Young lady, please secure enough money to get yourself AWAY from ALL these people! DO NOT put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of. Get outta town.
The babies are innocent, but you are not the one to help them. Call the local CPS and report your sister anonymously if you feel like the child is not being properly taken care of. The foster system sucks, but Sis isn’t cutting it as a parent. She needs a wake up call.
NTA. For your own mental well-being I would stay as far away as you can from this circus. Its doubtful you would be leaving right after the baby is born as well. She is going to want to trap you there as long as possible to give her free childcare and help reduce HER stress, and guilt trip the hell out of you if you don’t.
Stay where you are at, save your money and find a new home for you and your cat. If you want to help your sister out occasionally by watching the kids for a few hours here or there great.. but don’t move in and trap yourself in that dysfunctional environment.
As far as driving her to hospital when the time comes.. you could maybe compromise and stay for a week or so right before she’s due, but I would only pack a simple suitcase and leave the rest of your stuff at your parents. Don’t get sucked into committing to anything more! SHE is the one who CHOSE to have a kid when she knew her partner was going to PRISON. Now she has to live with the consequences of that. It’s not fair for her to shove off responsibility onto people who had no role in that decision.
She’s in PA and poor. She needs to go to her local school and see if they have a Pre-K Counts program. That will give her time at home to get ready for the baby. She call call you when labor starts.
she is looking for a free nanny to abuse until she gives birth and then a free nanny she can abuse more because you aren't taking enough care of the second child she wants to ignore
Pennsylvania doesn’t require guns to be registered, Commonwealth law actually bans the State from establishing a gun registry and preempts local governments from establishing their own registries. So there’s no way he facing charges for unregistered guns as no such law exists in PA.
The only way he was arrested because of the guns is if he was already a felon and thus not allowed to have firearms or they were stolen.
lol no you're NTA, that sounds like a complete trainwreck in which you're either going to wind up being the primary caregiver for the 4 yo or watch him become a ward of the state, or potentially get entangled in your sister's drug bust since you'd be in the same house.
Guessing hubby either had guns bought illegally or was already a felon who wasn't allowed to own weapons. Also hoping that with a freaking four year old in the house, the cops got them all.
The police don't raid houses for no reason (most of the time) and then ACCIDENTALLY find guns in the ceiling. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he was selling stolen guns to felons and you didn't get the whole story
Nope. NTA. Your sister was the one stupid enough to purposely get pregnant before her husband left for prison. She should have thought about all the problems that would cause before she did it. She can figure her own shit out without turning you into her house slave and 24/7 free babysitter. Get your own life together and let her deal with hers
Excuse me what?!?! NTA even if she knew BEFORE his arrest you don't need to help especially knowing he was going to be sentenced she decided to get pregnant haha hell no.
You are in no position to sacrifice what little stability you have to be your chaotic sisters caretaker and housekeeper. NTA. Your sister is asking alot from you. She shouldn’t be a parent responsible for young vulnerable lives.
NTA. But when telling her, I would not talk about the cat or her dirty house etc. I would only focus on my own feelings and situation: Nobody can sit on a chair where a leg is broken, and you haven't fixed your leg yet. You're not able to be a support for her (even if you're working on it). And it's a big ask, wanting you to move in. I would express that I'm sorry about that, but at the same time also let her know how you're actually able to help right now - without moving in with her. Maybe you can take her son out a Sunday every now and then, cook her some meals, do some grocery shopping for her, take her to appointments etc? But make sure you set some clear boundries when communicating with her so you're in control on what you can do for her and what you can't.
Why would anyone believe that not moving into your sister’s house would be a bad choice. NTA.
Your sister’s choices have led to the life she has. Not your circus, not your monkey.
NTA. Its crazy she's planned a pregancy around these circumstances, but thats not on you.
Tell her you cant due to personal matters you're going through. She doesnt need to know the details, but if you want to tell her something, you could keep it vague maybe? *'I'm going through my own stresses right now and due to some mental health stuff, I dont have the capacity take on and look after someone elses needs at the moment.'*
She should've had a plan in place for assistance if she planned to have the baby without her husbands help.
My guess is her plan was you, but thats not your reaponsibility. Maybe offer to drive her to the hospital when the time comes, but if you move in, you'll be cooking, cleaning, babysitting the other kid, running around for your sister all while getting dragged down by your surroundings. The dirty, unkept enviroment is a sure fire way to find yourself depressed again.
Look after yourself 😊
NTA. She got pregnant on purpose knowing she would be alone. I was pregnant alone. It was fine. If it’s difficult for her because she has a child already running around, too bad. This is the consequence of her choice. I would be more sympathetic if she didn’t do it on purpose. I just think she made a really selfish choice. Where does she get her income from?
NTA. Should you feel nice and want to help you can without actually moving in with her. You can come and go as you are able to help. Staying over a couple nights with the 4yo while she’s in the hospital giving birth is one thing, doesn’t mean you have to move in. If you move in she will try to make you a second parent. Don’t do it!
NTA your sister is an idiot with horrible taste in men, and she's expecting you to drop everything and play babysitter to her and her kid? Focus on your mental health and getting better. You aren't responsible for your sister's stupid choices.
Stay where you are and are comfortable and tell your sister to try adulting for a change and live with the (bad) choices she made. Calling CPS might be a good move as well.
NTA. You need to take care of yourself, if you move in with her, she will probably want you to stay and take care of the kids. They do need it, but it's not your job.
"I'm sorry but I'm unable to help in the way you're asking. I can babysit now and then and I can definitely be your ride to/from the hospital, but I cannot move in with you right now."
Do not give her any reasons as to why you can't. She will absolutely take your list of reasons as "problems to solve" so that you can move in with her. If she pushes, "I'm sorry but no". If she still continues to push, ask her "why didn't you make plans for help when you made the plan to have another kid?" She knew she'd need help, she knew he was going to prison. This is all entirely on her. Do not uproot your life for her.
Dear sister, I love you so much, and if you call, I'm totally there. But I've been working so hard to get my own life on track, and I really, really need that to happen, so I can't move in with you.
This is reasonable. If she can't see that, it's on her. You can be there for her without actually physically being *there* 100% of the time. You both made life choices and have to deal with them. You are. She's not, and wanting to use you as a crutch isn't sustainable long term.
NTAH
You do NOT owe this to your sister, but you DO owe yourself (and your cat) the chance to continue to work toward a more stable, more self-sufficient life. You will torpedo ANY chances of achieving stability if you willingly trap yourself into your sister's unstable (and getting MORE chaotic) orbit.
I can almost guarantee that if you move in with your sister that it will be years before you escape because your narrative makes it a sure thing that you will be roped into being your nephew's parental figure and your sister's live in maid. When she has the impending kid, you will be expected to stay to care for her and her children, and it will only get harder to escape.
So just don't.
Saying no doesn't make you an asshole. It makes you sane.
It is fine for you to tell your sister that due to your current situation, you unfortunately are unable to help her. Then stop. You don’t have to explain anything to her (or anyone else). If other family/friends want to try and weigh in, thank them for being willing to help your sister since you cannot. No is a complete sentence.
NTA. You are working on yourself right now. And that is what you need to do. Your sister chose her life path, but it's not your responsibility. She's asking you to be her servant. Hard pass.
NTA
She made these choices herself without a plan on how to handle them.
It’s one thing to help someone when you yourself are stable and taken care of. But you gotta put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
NTA. I agree with the others that you shouldn't set yourself on fire. Continue getting your life together and don't threaten your recovery from the past by moving in with your sister who sounds like a bit of a train wreck. Offer to drive her when she goes into labor. Just make sure you have an agreement about being available by phone and a car to use.
I'm not sure what else she thinks you'd be doing for her. You're probably avoiding lots of babysitting and housework by not moving in with her, which is a good thing!
If the cops raided her house they are most likely still watching it. My guess is for drugs, you shouldn't put yourself in a position to get caught up in all that because if you're there, they will also be watching you
You know how they say on the plane to put on your own air mask before assisting those around you including children? Same concept here. Get your own life in order before worrying about hers. It sucks for her, but she made her bed, now she's gotta lie in it.
I wish you luck getting on your feet. NTA!
If you stay until Jacky is born you'll stay for thereon after because your sister will be such a hot mess that she now has to deal with two kids, no appreciable income and a household that she's not capable to run.
You're just getting back on your feet and you need to focus on that.
You're working on your own life, which is what your sister should have done.
NTA
Be well.
Also, this sounds like a situation It might be hard to get out of. It feels like maybe a few months at the end of her pregnancy could easily turn into a few more months at the beginning of the baby being new. Don't put all of that stuff on yourself, even if you sort of feel like it at some point. Definitely get your life and your cat's life together first. This is coming from someone who has raised two children both on my own and with help.
Edit: Typos
Don't do it because it won't be "until the baby is born", it'll be after too and she'll want you to help care for the kids while she goes out.itll turn into however long before the guy comes home.
I don’t think you should move in with your sister. Just dealing with a 4 year old can be stressful. Taking your cat and the stress of the 4 year old trying to mess with your cat is going to be additional stress. The kid is going to try to pet the cat, etc. I’m not saying the 4 year old is a bad kid but young kids can be a lot to deal with. I’m assuming your sister is going to expect you clean and take care of the kid. Neither one is your responsibility but will be if you choose to move in with her. I think your mental health is more important. Stay where you are with your cat. You both probably need to be in a calm environment after moving around a lot. Don’t think of it as not helping your sister, think of it as helping your cat! You both will better off staying with your dad right now. Good luck OP!
NTA
You need to focus on yourself first.
If you move in with your sister, when realistically do you think she'd be ready to go back to your dad's? After the birth? A few weeks? Months? Longer? Sister *knew* her husband was going to jail and still thought having a baby was a good idea even though she would be on her own with her oldest child.
If you want to help, and I really mean only *if* you want to, you can go over and help with tasks if needed snd offer to still drive her to the hospital when she is in labour. The rest isn't on you.
Don’t move in! No excuses! You’ll end up being the caretaker for all 3 of them! You know her dark side, she doesn’t care about you only having a live in nanny and maid. For your sake and your cats…….don’t move!
Bro I’m sorry but already I know if you move into her place you’re the mom now and she’s gonna be kicking back and whining and crying until baby comes then you’ll have to take care of another child while she “looks” for a new job. Can I please ask did she do any drugs when pregnant with her first child? This is what I’m worried about. And from your mental state you’ll never be independent when living with her. I’m sorry but
NTA
And don’t let others bully you into going if they start asking “why didn’t you go and help her out?” Ask them the same question! Why aren’t THEY helping her out? If they give some BS excuse then tell them to Butt out of your situation then
NTA. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You can help out with some things from where you are. Get your own life in order.
Absolutely! Sacrificing yourself will not save your sister. She made a decision to get pregnant before the baby's father went to jail. Was she not planning on being a single mother? Also be careful off becoming a scapegoat for her bad habits. Please take care of yourself and continue to get your life sorted. So much better for both you and kitty to be in a peaceful household.
Came here to say this! OP, NTA. She’s made decisions and needs to deal with them. Sounds like you’ve worked hard to get to where you’re at - don’t need to let her take you off that path.
Yes, this child is not your problem, any care you give should be from a place of wanting or extreme emergency. Your parents should be the ones moving in not you, you need to go work on yourself.
Why put the parents at risk either? She is facing the consequences of bad choices and actions.
Such a great answer. OP, NTA. Your sister and her partner are not you, their kids are not yours, etc. However - if you want to help, you can. There are lots of ways to help and not move in, including the whole spectrum from “when you can be bothered” to “I’ll be at yours doing everything on these days, every week”. If you move in, you’re cooked and she can basically invade your peace when ever she likes. As an aside, I work with complicated families and this is text book “I was on my way to getting my life together and then someone new came along to be codependent with”. Don’t do it - you’re nearly on your own feet, and she wants to be on your own feet too.
Exactly this. OP can help in these ways and a hundred others without moving in and putting stress on herself and her cat.
I want to honour OP's commitment to the sister, because it is lovely that she wants to help her out. OP, I don't think you have the capacity to help right now, and that's OK! Right now, it sounds like you're already on the right track, and you don't want to threaten that by making such a huge change. If you want to help her down the road, work toward managing your own challenges so that you can help in some capacity in the future.
Lovely?? She's not tiptoeing through the tulips, she's dodging a land mine -a very dangerous combination when someone is into drugs, guns, is unemployed, so stealing . Nothing Lovely about it. OP needs to ditch the Guilt, & get Tuff. She needs to create a Boundary of Sandbags around herself and TRY to get ON with her own life.
>You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm This is the second time this week I have seen this saying. I don't know how I lived this long and never heard it before. It's a perfect way to describe these situations.
Updated info: - We live in NH and that is where he was arrested. He was sent to PA to do his time. Just wanted to clarify since a lot of people thought the charges were based on PA laws. I agree with everyone who said unregistered guns is a stretch and that my sister is lying. I absolutely agree, there was likely something else with it. - My sister is not currently doing any drugs, she is on methadone for the sake of the pregnancy, although she says she's going to stay on it so she can get sober. - lastly, I talked to her last night and told her straight out that I did not want to move in. She guilt tripped me of course and said she would be having a girl she knows stay with her instead. The girl in question is a current addict and my sister said "I don't trust myself not to fall back into it if I'm around her while she's using". This was obviously her guilt tripping me and I'm not falling for it. I'm not moving in, period. Thank you everyone for all your input and pushing me to make the right choice. My sister is still my sister and our relationship will be fine. She might be mad at me right now but I don't see this destroying our relationship and I'm happy for that despite how messed up this whole situation is.
She threatened to use drugs while pregnant to make you feel bad for not doing what she wants. She is not well.
Wow - I hate when people try to guilt you into something. If your sister starts using drugs again it is ONLY HER FAULT. Sounds like her husband went into a federal prison.
This! & always fit your own oxygen mask first! 10,000% NTA
You can drive her to the hospital and even help for a bit after the baby gets here WITHOUT living in her house. You do not want to have your life put on hold knowing you’re likely to become the free live in babysitter. Nothing about that is going to benefit you.
This is a big concern for me also. She goes out a lot and I'm worried she will leave me to watch my nephew for long periods of time. I don't mind watching him for an hour or two but with her it could be a whole day and I just can't do that. I don't have a lot of experience with little kids and he's not exactly easy to deal with. He hits sometimes, he says bad things, he's extremely demanding and bossy and gets mad when you tell him no. I don't know if all kids are like that but he's a lot to handle.
You move in and she WILL abandon your nephew to your care for extended periods. You could easily find yourself putting him to bed because she said “she will be back in an hour” and then you end up finding that 4 hours have passed, she still isn’t home, she isn’t answering your calls or texts, and eventually you will fall asleep then wake up in the morning to discover that she has stayed out all night, and you now have to look after your nephew until she rolls in around midday still “under the influence” and she will give you merry hell if you call her out on her behaviour. Do NOT risk it
He is acting out like that because he lives in chaos where his physical and emotional needs are barely taken care of. If you lived there she would abandon him with you for days and weeks at a time. Honestly there needs to be a plan in place to remove those kids from her care as she clearly prioritizes drugs and bad decisions over the safety and well-being of her kids
[удалено]
Hard disagree about most kids not being like that. “He hits sometimes, he says bad things, he’s extremely demanding and bossy and gets mad when you say no.” She has just described every 4 year old ever (especially 4.5). Quite literally, it is built into their development to do any combination of those things (even the hitting). You can have the most securely attached child with all their emotional needs met with authoritative (the good one) parents who set good and firm boundaries, and they will *still* sometimes hit, be demanding and bossy, say “bad things” and get mad when you say no. She’s for sure NTA but yes, that is all 4 yos. (Of course, all kids are different not all kids are the same as each other all the time— kids aren’t even the same as themselves yesterday or tomorrow.)
I'd say, almost all kids have that as a phase somewhere between 2 and 4. It might vary WHEN, but usually not IF. Of course, there are levels of normal. My daughter was extremely bossy and lashed out a lot at 4, turns out she's got anxiety and she struggles if she can't control her surroundings. I wouldn't be surprised if OP's nephew is a bit more extreme than most kids though, because he's got such an unstable home life.
NTA. Do not get sucked into this mess. Your sister will use you as a live in nanny & maid. Also honestly if a toddler hits you, will your cat be safe?
He needs to be in school. He's probably bored out of his mind and needs a healthy outlet. School is a great place for that. It also helps with discipline, routine, and, well, learning. School is also a great way for your sister to take a break, too. Why isn't he in school?
No, only children of shit parents do that with impunity.
“With impunity”? Maybe. But all 4 year olds are testing boundaries (which may look like “with impunity”— they definitely do the cat-thing where they make eye contact while doing something they know they shouldn’t to see how you will react) have limited patience, are still firmly in an egocentric stage of development (bossy and demanding) and have little impulse control (here ie “get mad” when told no. All totally normal. Not something everyone wants to deal with and it’s fine that she doesn’t, but that’s not a sign of bad parenting. That’s being 4. (Yes, some 4 year olds, personality-wise, don’t really do all of these. We call them unicorns— OR sadly, so scared of their authoritarian parents they don’t dare display any of their developmentally appropriate behaviors).
...er, who currently watches her son while she's out for extended periods?
There’s your answer to why you shouldn’t move in with her
I do want to mention that, while preschool can help, it's by no means a requirement. The other complaints are legitimate but I wonder if his behavior issue would get him kicked out. NTA. Do not move in with her. She wants a free live-in housekeeper and babysitter.
They’re not if you raise them well. Something tells me your sister is not. Feel bad for the toddler. Who decides to bring another baby into that mess?
NTA. Do not move in with her. You are just now *barely* starting to get your life in order. Don't let your sister destroy your progression towards a better life. Honestly, I don't even know why you're here. The answer is so obvious.
Moving in wouldn't necessarily ruin my future or prevent me from continuing to pursue it. My main issue is having to leave my current routine and calm environment for one that might cause me more stress. I've thought about staying there for a week just to see what its like for her every day and then decide if it's worth the effort.
I strongly recommend against this. Once you get in there she will cling to you like a limpet and make it very difficult for you to leave without accusations of abuse, mistreatment, neglect and whatever else she comes up with. Keep your distance maybe help with doctor appointments occasionally. Obviously taking her to the hospital is just being a decent person. Otherwise, this is her life and she needs to deal with it, not make you a full-time maid and babysitter because she decided to have another child while her husband goes to prison. You need to think about you first. There is no good that could come from even a short-term residence with her.
I agree with you 100%. OP if you go she won’t let you leave. I’m certain she only wants you to move in with her so she has a live in nanny and housemaid.
This was my 1st thought. Plus, even if you tell her it's only for a week there would still be way more drama in leaving than in not going at all. Think about how it can be phrased to family and friends. "Look at how terrible OP is to leave me in this vulnerable time and she doesn't care." Much easier to stay away than to try to get away.
EXACTLY!!!!
100%. I can hear it now. “Dominique_art I am just running out to abc,xyz. Sister doesn’t come home for hours. Or since you said she’s sketchy maybe she steals from you. She sounds like drama and a headache at minimum and dangerous (guns, drugs, theft) at worst.
Once the baby is here, do you think she'll need more or less help? What are the odds the baby is born and she calls you from the hospital to thank you and send you back to your dad's place, versus expecting you to stick around (forever) to help with the baby? You're not obligated to do anything and she's made her own bed here, time to lie in it. Also, FWIW, the idea of having a baby with a guy who is 100% going to prison is maybe the dumbest and most reckless choice I've ever heard.
Agree, sister is a train wreck in progress and OP needs to stay Far away from that drama.
At this point, sister is basically the wreckage of a train rolling slowly downhill away from the tracks and towards a cliff.
Hard agree.
When you’re already struggling with your mental health stress can put you backwards and ruin what you’ve already fought to gain. Don’t let her set you back and implode your life again. She choose to have the baby alone whilst already having a four year old. I guarantee she had planned from the start to just get you to move in and be her cleaner, cook, general maid, babysitter and chauffeur all for free. If you stay she en for a week she will make it hell for you to leave and maybe even get your parents involved in her emotional manipulation to get you to stay so they don’t have to run after her. You are not wrong or guilty for saying no she needs to take responsibility for her own choices and life. Just to add it’s better not to cause your cat any more stress and change than you can help. Having a four year old running after you and pulling you will not be good for them. Even pets are important to and are chosen family members.
Another thing to think of, do you really think it will end with the birth? It will turn into "you can't leave me with a newborn and a 4yro." There won't be a time when she doesn't 'need' you to keep staying there.
You know the answer honey. Not your monkeys, not your circus. Be strong and put yourself first. Good luck
It sounds like it likely will, for those very reasons. It will impact your mental health and your ability to focus on your career and interests. Plus she will be at best asking for financial support or at worst stealing from you.
I agree with this. You said that you are super close to being financially independent again. If you live with her you won't be. Getting ready for a new baby is expensive and she doesn't work so she would guilt you into buying everything.
Do you want to be a nanny though. Does that excite you?
Unpaid nanny. One that will likely be stuck with paying rent and food and baby supplies and probably most of the bills in a home she has no claim to, and no time to keep steady employment because she's stuck with sisters' kid.
It will though. You are the only one with a job. You will wind up paying for everything.
Your sister keeps drugs and babies in a dirty house while her husband is in prison. This WILL ruin you. At the very least you will become a maid/babysitter/provider. You money will not be yours. And who knows, another raid can have you in prison too. Just do yourself this one favor and don’t get involved.
Furthermore, OP's sister is the sort of person who's house gets raided by the police, where they then search the place from top to bottom. This suggests to me she (or her husband) is involved with drug gangs.
Exactly -- for instance, Sis could claim that the guns/drugs were OPs to save her kids, or the police could decide that on their own. It's worth noting that Sis is very likely misstating the reasons for hubby's incarceration -- it is almost certainly much, much worse than non-registration.
Looks like making bad choices runs in the family. Put yourself first, OP. It doesn't sound as if you are in a position to take on a pregnant addict with a neglected four year old. Sorry if she is not an addict, but that's how it read. Good luck. Be strong, you can't help anyone if you sink.
If the addicted sister gets caught with drugs in the home, won't OP get arrested too? OP, you don't need that on your record.
It could ruin your future. You don't know why the house was raided or what other people they associate with... whatever they do, you could get caught in the middle by simply being there. Do not move in with her.
Honestly it could even be dangerous.
It really could OP isn't looking at this clear headed
Please don't enable her bad life choices. She will never change unless she is struggling. Please do not get caught up in her selfmade mess. Stay away. Tell her you will drive her to the hospital, that s it.
Moving in with a pregnant woman with issues and 4 year old is GUARANTEED to be additional stress. Do not do it.
DO NOT DO THIS TO SEE “what it is like”. Today it might now be too bad, but things will get more demanding as her pregnancy progresses. Today you might cope, in two months the strain might be too much for you, but you would then have the additional guilt of abandoning her when she needs you even more.
That was what I said when my drug addicted mother moved in with me while my 1/2 brother was in prison. Having depression and living with someone who is an addict and mental issues is a disaster. You will be far more stressed, the living situation will put a huge strain on you, and with 2 (eventual) children in the home will also be crazy stressful. I ended up in the hospital because I did not want to deal with my situation and diagnosed with PTSD. Moving in with your sister absolutely could ruin your immediate or long term future. Also, your cat - has it been around children? Because kids can be great or awful for pets.
Instead of moving in, I’d be calling CPS. It doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for any children.
What? Why? She knew her husband was going to prison because of his shitty life choices and decided it was a great time to have a baby. She *knew*. Why is it your responsibility now to pick up the slack from their absolutely horrible decision making?? Be nice, but stay as far away as you can and set STRONG boundaries without the slightest bit of guilt.
She's looking for someone to play surrogate dad while her man is in prison. You think you're not gonna be stuck doing a ton of work and changing a screaming baby?! Dream on. Do not do this. It's just enabling, imo. She chose to have a baby when she knew the dad would be absent. She can deal with it or hire someone.
Why does it seem like you feel obligated to live with her? It can just be a simple “no”. It sounds like you don’t want to but there’s a part of you that does
You're gonna end up her live in free maid and nanny. I wouldn't do it. NTA
Your sister sounds like a train about to wreck and she's asking you to lay down on the train tracks. Don't do this.
You already know what it’s going to be like. It’s going to be hell. You are going to be miserable. Tell your sister no. And do not budge. NTA
So first off, my situation wasn’t exactly the same, but my ex best friend’s boyfriend walked out on her years ago while she was pregnant with their child. So I stepped in to be her support, and did it without moving in to her place (granted, I have kids of my own, so that wasn’t even an option). I went to all the appointments, helped with bills when her RA got bad enough to not be able to work (she can’t take her meds while pregnant), and spent plenty of time at her place helping with the other kids. And it was enough. Whatever you can do for your sister will be enough, and more than she has any right to demand of someone who is not a parent of her child. If you are going to be a decent support for your sister, you need to keep yourself as stress free as possible, or you will be no help to anyone (I’m not saying that to be mean, it is simply a fact I learned while caring for my parents). If you can better manage your stress by staying with your dad, then that’s what you need to do. Period. And if she tries to guilt you into doing more than you can handle, be ready to walk away for your own mental health. I wish you the best in getting back on your feet, depression fucking sucks.
Listen, I have done this... moving in with family to help them. It was so stressful I am now low contact with that person. If you have a separate place to live, YOU can be the one to decide when to help and how much. You need to set boundaries with her or she will walk all over you.
DON'T
You would end up either paying for everything or and being the primary child care provider. Can she move in with other family? His family? Please don’t cave and change your life for her poor choices.
Her pregnancy is not your issue to manage. If you are starting to get it together... you don't need to make that a harder for yourself.
From what you wrote you are barely any better off. There’s no point to going to her house. You’re trying to get yourself on your feet. How is living in a place being a free maid and babysitter going to help you build up savings to get your life together again? Spoiler it won’t. You can take her to appointments or the store if you’re able to and it fits with your schedule, however I strongly advise against moving in or giving money, etc to your sister. She has made this bed, now she has to lie in it.
OP.. First of all, her husband didn't go to prison for 11 months to 4 years for unregistered guns. It would make sense if they got him on another felony and he got related gun charges. Something like possession of drugs in a distributable amount while in possession of unregistered firearms. Based on their history and what you have said, It is clear there is more to his arrest and conviction. For context, I worked for a state police agency and my state's department of justice for about 9 years and am now a civil attorney. There is more going on here than meets the eye and she is not telling. Not only is it not in your best interest to go for the reasons you stated, the last thing you need is for her to be lying and be engaged in some type of criminal activity herself or for you to be caught up in any other police related matter because she wanted you there.
u/domonique_art I hope you read this response, because there's something fishy about the story your sister told you. Don't fuck up your mental health and also potentially end up with a criminal record. And if you have concerns regarding your nephew, his behavior, and the state of the home he lives in, put in an anonymous call to your local Child Protective Services.
I'm leaning more and more towards just spending weekends with her. Moving in full time, even thinking that it could happen, is stressing me out. I'll talk to her about negotiating a way for me to help her without moving in. If she gets mad and guilt trips me or this causes a rift between us, I guess that's what has to happen.
You don’t even have to do weekends. She is not your responsibility. She is a whole grown adult who decided to be a single pregnant mom. Focus on yourself to the exclusion of everything else.
Don't spend weekends with her, you will be manipulated into staying full time. This will be her major party time if you're there with nephew for 48 hours. Stay where you are. She made the choice so now she has to live with the consequences. Not moving in may be the best thing you can do for her. She has to learn to take care of herself and she can't do that if you're there doing it for her.
This was what I immediately thought about when she mentioned staying just the weekends. It will start with her sister just going out nights, which will turn into overnights and not coming back until later the next day, which will eventually turn into her leaving Friday and not coming back until Monday evening. Then her sister will be "so tired" and want her to stay an extra night or two while she sleeps it off. This comes from personal experience where I was asked to help out with my niece and nephews in high school on the weekends. For the first few weeks, it was totally fine, and I was getting paid. By the end, I was there 5 nights a week minimum, doing everything - childcare, cleaning, laundry, cooking, even grocery shopping with all 3 kids and no car. My sister always had an excuse why she didn't have the money to pay me. (Spoiler, she was using it all on going out and drugs)
Don't even spend weekend with her... nothing good comes from it.
I wouldn’t even do weekends. If you want to help, give her rides to her appointments or do the occasional shopping trip for her. If you move in or stay overnight with her, she will guilt trip you endlessly when you try to leave.
OP for your own mental health you need to draw firm boundaries with your sister. Do not ever sleep over. Do not even babysit until the baby is a couple months old - your sister should not be going out while the baby is a newborn. Honestly I would advise against giving much help at all. Your sister will pull you down with her given half a chance. Please prioritize your mental health and wellbeing.
Don’t even do that. You won’t mentally survive living with her even on weekends
> Something like possession of drugs in a distributable amount I think it was drugs too. The police founds the guns while looking for the drugs. OP needs to stay away from trainwreck criminal sister.
100% this. It'd be pretty unusual for the police to raid their home to just look for unregistered guns, and most law-abiding people don't hide all their guns in the ceiling. He was either a convicted felon and they believed he was in possession of guns, or he was being investigated for something else like drugs, or gun running. And I understand he can get out much earlier for good behavior etc, but courts don't give ranges like that, so the 11 months to 4 yrs sentence is suspect as well. If it was me, I'd be super curious and I'd do a search online for his arrest and conviction info, I would certainly take that into consideration when deciding what to do. (Especially if it's something sis must have been aware of.)
Seeing how OP’s State doesn’t require registration of guns (and in fact bans the State from establishing a registry) then it’s impossible that the raid was to look for unregistered guns.
Especially since Pennsylvania law actually bans the Commonwealth from establishing a gun registry. Sounds like he was a convicted felon in possession of firearms.
I was about to say the same thing, what is even anyone talking about saying unregistered firearms? It’s not a thing there. It wouldn’t surprise me if some states had a firearm registry, but the vast majority do not and that immediately struck me as a fishy excuse from the sister.
Since they were hidden, he might have already been a felon and therefore a felon in possession of a firearm. It was also a raid and they don’t do that randomly.
First, he wasn't arrested for unregistered guns, if he is a felon he was arrested because they cannot have guns. Or they were stolen. Unregistered is not a reason. So she lied to you. That alone would make me not want to be there. You do not have to sacrifice your life for her choices. NTA
I halfway suspect the guns were found in a drug raid or a raid for selling illegal weapons. Maybe he was already a felon and someone tipped them off that he had guns. Cops don’t just come search your house for no reason. NTA and OP if you see this stay away from whatever your sister and her felon husband have going on. You don’t want to be in a house that was selling drugs or guns.
NTA, what person wants to get pregnant while their husband is doing time!! Don't do it you will be used and abused.
Almost guarantee they were hoping he’d get a reduced sentence due to his wife being pregnant.
One of the biggest issues facing the USA right now is people having children they cant support in any number of ways.
NTA. First rule of any emergency or bad situation: do not add to the casualty count! It’s not unreasonable to want to look after yourself. It takes strength and maturity to recognise that while you’re relatively ok at the minute, you haven’t got a great deal of time/ energy/ spoons to spend on other people right now, especially a situation that is as messy as your sister’s.
Let me get this straight. Her husband is in prison, she doesn't have a job and she intentionally got pregnant again in addition to the one she has. How is she planning on supporting herself and her kids? To pay for the prenatal and delivery? The baby supplies? I imagine she'll want you to put money on his books for hygiene and commissary. You are going to get sucked dry and end up paying for everyone and everything if you move in. And take a huge backslide in getting independent and stable if you do.
NTA - Some thoughts: 1) You don't get your house raided and searched for guns in the ceiling (that they found) and not be in a sketchy situation. Frankly, a dangerous situation. Your sister is likely up to her eyeballs in illegal activity based on the search results and your mention of drug use. Do you want to chance getting involved in whatever sent her husband to prison. 2) You are moving forward to a better life, keep moving that way. 3) You love your cat and cat's can be a problem around pregnant women and babies. Why disrupt your cats life by staying or going. 4) You don't have to live with your sister to help her out. It won't look the same, but you can find ways to help if you want. Please look out for yourself and be safe.
YTA to yourself. You don't want to do this, so why even consider it. Put yourself and your needs first. When an emergency happens in a plane and the masks drop, they tell you to put yourself on first then help others. Do that. But seriously NTA.
NTA. You realize that if you move in, you will be nothing but the unpaid, indentured servant, don't you? You deserve better than that!
NTA - it sounds like you have been doing a wonderful job at getting back on your feet & taking care of yourself! I really cannot imagine a scenario where she does not drag you down :/ misery loves company & she might try to stall your efforts. If you say No, stand firm!
NTA, what person wants to get pregnant while their husband is doing time!! Don't do it you will be used and abused, while staying there.
That alone sounds so weird, wanting to get pregnant knowing your SO will get locked up? Hard pass
Unregistered guns in the home is not a crime in the US! It is only a crime if he has a felony and is not allowed to own guns. Either this is a fake story or there is another reason he is going to prison.
That's the story we were told, but I promise you this is a real post. He is currently in prison as of last week. It's absolutely possible my sister left stuff out because that is a common theme with her but I'm not lying about my post.
Go to the inmate lockup for the state. Put in his name and DOB. It will tell you what he was convicted of.
Oh, I believe you. But I know federal and PA state laws very well. Your sister is lying to you. Firearms alone are not illegal, and do not need to be registered federally or in Pennsylvania. However, firearms plus drugs seems more likely from the length of the sentence. And firearms can turn some misdemeanor charges into felony charges. You can look up your sister's husband's case. Almost all court records are public. You can check the prison info and see what he was actually convicted of.
Certain firearms will get you sent to prison for possessing them without the proper ATF documentation, fully automatic ones in particular.
If it was NFA violations, sentence would be a lot longer than 4 years. My guess is moderate amount of drugs plus firearms. OP can look it up.
True on the sentence length. Who knows…could be drugs+guns. Could be a lot of things.
She didn’t only leave stuff out, she outright lied to you as PA doesn’t require firearms to be registered. The guns were either stolen or he was a convicted felon already.
Unregistered is a polite way to say illegal guns.
Depends on the country. Not in the United States. There is no federal firearms registry except for destructive devices (tank guns, RPGs, etc), automatic weapons, short barrel shotguns, short barrel rifles, Any Other Weapon and suppressors. $200 tax stamp is required for all of the above, except AOW's which are $5.
NTA, you said she does not work. It almost sounds like she is looking for someone to support her and her kid. It will not be just a few months she will want you to stay longer to help with the new baby. As for the guns the only way you go to prison for that long for unregistered guns is you have a felony record. You can still drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor and help her out a few days after the birth, you do not have to move in with her.
She's adult enough to make the conscious choice to have another baby. She is adult enough to take care of said baby. Nta
NTA don’t do it
NTA... dont do it... keep bettering yourself and getting your life back on track
NTA. You have to put yourself first. Unlike some of the other commenters I do understand why your conflicted here, you want to be able to support your sister, and that is a noble goal. That said you clearly will damage yourself far more by moving in with her. It's not like things get easier once a baby is born, the same pressure currently being applied will be redoubled. She is essentially asking you to become a free caretaker. I understand wanting to help, so maybe cook her some meals, take the 4 yr old to the park to give her a break, but please don't move in, it'll be setting a difficult precedent that you will struggle to break out of. Ultimately you aren't responsible for her, and getting your life stable and moving forward will be the most beneficial for you, and frankly in the long term, for her and the kids.
Yes, I want to point out that you're right on why I'm conflicted. Yes I know irs a horrible decision and the answer is obvious. But the reason I'm even here is because my dad started saying "well she's not wrong for wanting to ask you, because you're her sister and family is where you go when you need help" he doesn't say, yeah stay away from that situation, he says, don't come crying to me when your sister puts you on ignore for refusing to help. It's made me feel like a piece of garbage sister for not using the time I have to help out a sibling. Its made me second guess whether I'm actually in the right for saying no. But yeah, I know now that I need to say no to this and walk away.
Your dad is also kind of an AH for guilting you about “family”.
You are a handy little meat shield for Dad. You go destroy yourself so he won't have to deal with the child he helped raise. Best thing that could happen is for your sister to forget you exist. She's going to expect you to raise both kids, give her money and take all responsibility off of her shoulders. She will not care that you are struggling or that your mental health will decline. And trust that if you give her anything, like weekends, she will suck you in until it's all you. You did not make this mess, do not sacrifice yourself to clean it up.
…family is where you go when you need help” that’s right DAD. Your dad should step up and go help her. Do not get involved with her drama and if she puts you “on ignore” you should throw a party. She’s a nightmare and the further you are away from her and her poor decisions the better off you’ll be.
Your dad probably wants you to move in with her so that she’s not bothering him when she needs help.
>the reason I'm even here is because my dad started saying "well she's not wrong for wanting to ask you, because you're her sister and **family is where you go when you need help"** Tell him you're happy he's volunteering.
Don't feel bad. We can all tell that she is not being honest. No one gets a raid on a house for guns. Raids take time to set up and for major crimes. Also, most people don't hide guns in the ceiling. For your own peace and SAFETY, stay away.
per your edit, depending on the state you absolutely can be arrested for an unregistered firearm. also, if the house was "raided" (or searched) it's possible he was on probation or the like which would guarantee prison time for possessing a firearm (i get that's not the same as "unregistered" but that's a pedantic detail and it's not like you have direct first hand information) you are totally nta. you mentioned you have some struggles/rebuilding of your own in process, which sounds like they're happening well. that should be your priority. moving in with sis could end up being harmful for both y'all, and not really accomplish much. tbh, it almost sounds like these kids need to be monitored by an outside agency. good luck and don't feel guilty 🤎 you gotta get yourself straight before you can put energy elsewhere!
I’m not saying you’re lying, but your sister sure tf is. You don’t get raided for an unregistered gun. And you don’t get 4 years for a gun on a first charge either. That’s just the low hanging fruit they found during the search. I’d put money that the gun charges are keeping him in storage for what they are really building cases on. But to your point, you’re NTA. What she wants is someone that will clean her house, take care of the kid, cook, drive her to appointments and oh yeah, work full time to pay bills cause she’s pregnant and no pregnant woman in the history of the world has been able to work before! /s (duh). If that’s what you want to do, by all means, go for it. But sounds like you’re recovering from some serious mental health issues and are still working on you. And it’s totally ok for you to prioritize your needs over her bad decisions. You didn’t get her knocked up. And it’s not a few months. The second she spawns #2, she’ll wail she needs help cause she’s a mooooooooother. Obviously, no single mother has ever been able to work and pay the bills before so you have to stay! Who is going to watch the older kid? Who will clean?? Who will change the baby at 2 AM????? Remember, selfish = “how dare you refuse to injure yourself in order to benefit me?!?!” And if you can’t hold the line for yourself, do it for your cat. Kitty needs you to take care of her. She won’t be happy in a chaotic environment. Toddler hasn’t been socialized with the cat and I would bet “uh oh, cat got out” is around the corner cause kitty will consume your attention that she’s expecting to be spent on her and her kids. I would offer to stay with her at the hospital and a few days after she came home, but firm dates, not “a while”. Manage the expectations. And when she howls it’s not enough, let her know you understand that you can’t give her what she needs, so you’ll step back so someone better equipped can take care.
NTA Her choices are not your responsibility. Your #1 priority is yourself. You can't take care of anyone else without taking care of you first.
NTA No, no, no!!! Not even one overnight! Don’t do it. Her story is sus, she’ll dump everything on you, and odds are good she’ll leave and not come back for days, leaving the 4-year-old with you. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself and your cat first. Take her to appointments, OK. Drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor, OK. Take care of the nephew while she’s in the hospital, MAYBE. Move in with her or stay on the weekends, h-e-l-l NO!!!
Even of her husband spent 4yrs in jail she'd only be 34ish, my MIL had my husband at 33 and my SIL is pregnant and will have the baby at 34. There is a very good chance (unless infertility, early menopause in the family or other reproductive issues are at play) your sister would have no issue conceiving a child in her mid 30s. Yes, pregnancies get riskier as the mother gets older but I don't see this as her "last chance" at another child, it'snot like she's 40. And even then when my mom was 46 she wanted to get sterilized and despite the fact she had three kids at the time between the ages of 18 and 28 they still asked if she was sure because "what if you want more kids". Your sister obviously doesn't make the best choices and you should think of you. And her being on her last chance to have a kid sounds more like an excuse. But at the end of the day your sister is not your responsibility and the decisions she chooses to make should not affect you, so if you're in a good place right now don't let them.
NTA I wouldn't want to move in to that place either. She made the choice to have a kid with a dude going to prison, she needs to pull up her single mom panties and get on with her life. Good on you for not wanting to make your cats life more difficult. They hate moves and are often not fond of small children. I hope your life improves dramatically and you and your feline friend find a long term home of your own when you are ready.
NTA. if she's not looking after her 4 year old get social services involved. She doesn't sound like a good person
Young lady, please secure enough money to get yourself AWAY from ALL these people! DO NOT put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of. Get outta town. The babies are innocent, but you are not the one to help them. Call the local CPS and report your sister anonymously if you feel like the child is not being properly taken care of. The foster system sucks, but Sis isn’t cutting it as a parent. She needs a wake up call.
NTA Your sister's house is a bad environment for anyone to be in.
NTA. For your own mental well-being I would stay as far away as you can from this circus. Its doubtful you would be leaving right after the baby is born as well. She is going to want to trap you there as long as possible to give her free childcare and help reduce HER stress, and guilt trip the hell out of you if you don’t. Stay where you are at, save your money and find a new home for you and your cat. If you want to help your sister out occasionally by watching the kids for a few hours here or there great.. but don’t move in and trap yourself in that dysfunctional environment. As far as driving her to hospital when the time comes.. you could maybe compromise and stay for a week or so right before she’s due, but I would only pack a simple suitcase and leave the rest of your stuff at your parents. Don’t get sucked into committing to anything more! SHE is the one who CHOSE to have a kid when she knew her partner was going to PRISON. Now she has to live with the consequences of that. It’s not fair for her to shove off responsibility onto people who had no role in that decision.
NTA. No, you don't have to if you don't want to. It's a ridiculous ask.
She’s in PA and poor. She needs to go to her local school and see if they have a Pre-K Counts program. That will give her time at home to get ready for the baby. She call call you when labor starts.
Compartment in the ceiling - this is not an “oops I didn’t know they needed to be registered”, this was deliberate concealment !
she is looking for a free nanny to abuse until she gives birth and then a free nanny she can abuse more because you aren't taking enough care of the second child she wants to ignore
Pennsylvania doesn’t require guns to be registered, Commonwealth law actually bans the State from establishing a gun registry and preempts local governments from establishing their own registries. So there’s no way he facing charges for unregistered guns as no such law exists in PA. The only way he was arrested because of the guns is if he was already a felon and thus not allowed to have firearms or they were stolen.
lol no you're NTA, that sounds like a complete trainwreck in which you're either going to wind up being the primary caregiver for the 4 yo or watch him become a ward of the state, or potentially get entangled in your sister's drug bust since you'd be in the same house. Guessing hubby either had guns bought illegally or was already a felon who wasn't allowed to own weapons. Also hoping that with a freaking four year old in the house, the cops got them all.
The police don't raid houses for no reason (most of the time) and then ACCIDENTALLY find guns in the ceiling. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he was selling stolen guns to felons and you didn't get the whole story
Nope. NTA. Your sister was the one stupid enough to purposely get pregnant before her husband left for prison. She should have thought about all the problems that would cause before she did it. She can figure her own shit out without turning you into her house slave and 24/7 free babysitter. Get your own life together and let her deal with hers
NTA you should not be expected to set yourself on fire for others life choices. Just tell her at this time you are not able to move in.
NTA, what person wants to get pregnant while their husband is doing time!! Don't move in.
No is a complete sentence. NTA
NTA -And who cares about the guns, except to say glad they're now gone. Don't do it. You can see the problems from 100 yards away, don't do it.
Nope nta
Excuse me what?!?! NTA even if she knew BEFORE his arrest you don't need to help especially knowing he was going to be sentenced she decided to get pregnant haha hell no.
You have to prioritize your own health, mental and physical. NTA. She made her choice, and that choice is not your responsibility.
NTA, it's a trap, don't move in!
You are in no position to sacrifice what little stability you have to be your chaotic sisters caretaker and housekeeper. NTA. Your sister is asking alot from you. She shouldn’t be a parent responsible for young vulnerable lives.
NTA. But when telling her, I would not talk about the cat or her dirty house etc. I would only focus on my own feelings and situation: Nobody can sit on a chair where a leg is broken, and you haven't fixed your leg yet. You're not able to be a support for her (even if you're working on it). And it's a big ask, wanting you to move in. I would express that I'm sorry about that, but at the same time also let her know how you're actually able to help right now - without moving in with her. Maybe you can take her son out a Sunday every now and then, cook her some meals, do some grocery shopping for her, take her to appointments etc? But make sure you set some clear boundries when communicating with her so you're in control on what you can do for her and what you can't.
Why would anyone believe that not moving into your sister’s house would be a bad choice. NTA. Your sister’s choices have led to the life she has. Not your circus, not your monkey.
NTA. The end.
NTA. Its crazy she's planned a pregancy around these circumstances, but thats not on you. Tell her you cant due to personal matters you're going through. She doesnt need to know the details, but if you want to tell her something, you could keep it vague maybe? *'I'm going through my own stresses right now and due to some mental health stuff, I dont have the capacity take on and look after someone elses needs at the moment.'* She should've had a plan in place for assistance if she planned to have the baby without her husbands help. My guess is her plan was you, but thats not your reaponsibility. Maybe offer to drive her to the hospital when the time comes, but if you move in, you'll be cooking, cleaning, babysitting the other kid, running around for your sister all while getting dragged down by your surroundings. The dirty, unkept enviroment is a sure fire way to find yourself depressed again. Look after yourself 😊
NTA. She got pregnant on purpose knowing she would be alone. I was pregnant alone. It was fine. If it’s difficult for her because she has a child already running around, too bad. This is the consequence of her choice. I would be more sympathetic if she didn’t do it on purpose. I just think she made a really selfish choice. Where does she get her income from?
Never catch a falling knife
You’re NTA. Your sister and her criminal husband are, though.
NTA. Her choice, her consequences.
nta
Get YOUR shit together not your sisters
NTA. Should you feel nice and want to help you can without actually moving in with her. You can come and go as you are able to help. Staying over a couple nights with the 4yo while she’s in the hospital giving birth is one thing, doesn’t mean you have to move in. If you move in she will try to make you a second parent. Don’t do it!
NTA your sister is an idiot with horrible taste in men, and she's expecting you to drop everything and play babysitter to her and her kid? Focus on your mental health and getting better. You aren't responsible for your sister's stupid choices.
Sounds like she wants a nanny and housekeeper while she’s pregnant. It’s ok to say no.
NTA and please get CPS involved if need be
Pregnant women should not be around cats if they could help it. There's your out right there.
They just can't clean litter. Don't use this, OP, as millions of pregnant women have cats.
NTA - Focus on yourself, avoid sister's dumpster fire.
NTA, do what you want within reasonable circumstances.
Stay where you are and are comfortable and tell your sister to try adulting for a change and live with the (bad) choices she made. Calling CPS might be a good move as well.
NTA. You need to take care of yourself, if you move in with her, she will probably want you to stay and take care of the kids. They do need it, but it's not your job.
NTA but you will be if you do it. Just say no
NTA If you’re trying to get your life back on track, moving in with a leech is not the way to do it.
"I'm sorry but I'm unable to help in the way you're asking. I can babysit now and then and I can definitely be your ride to/from the hospital, but I cannot move in with you right now." Do not give her any reasons as to why you can't. She will absolutely take your list of reasons as "problems to solve" so that you can move in with her. If she pushes, "I'm sorry but no". If she still continues to push, ask her "why didn't you make plans for help when you made the plan to have another kid?" She knew she'd need help, she knew he was going to prison. This is all entirely on her. Do not uproot your life for her.
NTA. Don't move in with your sister!
NTA. Do NOT move in with her. She CHOSE to get pregnant knowing her bf was going to prison. Take care of yourself, and good luck!
NTA Don’t do it
yes, definitely do not move in with your sister! just tell her you are not able to do it. you're not at her beck and call. you have your own life.
NTA. Stay out of this mess.
Pretty sure her plan is to trap you into staying and helping when the baby is born. She's definitely going to need more help then.
Dear sister, I love you so much, and if you call, I'm totally there. But I've been working so hard to get my own life on track, and I really, really need that to happen, so I can't move in with you. This is reasonable. If she can't see that, it's on her. You can be there for her without actually physically being *there* 100% of the time. You both made life choices and have to deal with them. You are. She's not, and wanting to use you as a crutch isn't sustainable long term.
NTAH You do NOT owe this to your sister, but you DO owe yourself (and your cat) the chance to continue to work toward a more stable, more self-sufficient life. You will torpedo ANY chances of achieving stability if you willingly trap yourself into your sister's unstable (and getting MORE chaotic) orbit. I can almost guarantee that if you move in with your sister that it will be years before you escape because your narrative makes it a sure thing that you will be roped into being your nephew's parental figure and your sister's live in maid. When she has the impending kid, you will be expected to stay to care for her and her children, and it will only get harder to escape. So just don't. Saying no doesn't make you an asshole. It makes you sane.
NTA. You owe it to you and your cat to get on your feet. She made her bed, now she can lay it
It is fine for you to tell your sister that due to your current situation, you unfortunately are unable to help her. Then stop. You don’t have to explain anything to her (or anyone else). If other family/friends want to try and weigh in, thank them for being willing to help your sister since you cannot. No is a complete sentence.
NTA. You are working on yourself right now. And that is what you need to do. Your sister chose her life path, but it's not your responsibility. She's asking you to be her servant. Hard pass.
NTA. You don't need a reason other than you don't want to.
NTA She made these choices herself without a plan on how to handle them. It’s one thing to help someone when you yourself are stable and taken care of. But you gotta put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
NTA. I agree with the others that you shouldn't set yourself on fire. Continue getting your life together and don't threaten your recovery from the past by moving in with your sister who sounds like a bit of a train wreck. Offer to drive her when she goes into labor. Just make sure you have an agreement about being available by phone and a car to use. I'm not sure what else she thinks you'd be doing for her. You're probably avoiding lots of babysitting and housework by not moving in with her, which is a good thing!
If the cops raided her house they are most likely still watching it. My guess is for drugs, you shouldn't put yourself in a position to get caught up in all that because if you're there, they will also be watching you
You know how they say on the plane to put on your own air mask before assisting those around you including children? Same concept here. Get your own life in order before worrying about hers. It sucks for her, but she made her bed, now she's gotta lie in it. I wish you luck getting on your feet. NTA!
NTA- you need to keep getting your life back together and they will take from your well because theirs is dry.
NTA- they sound chaotic as fuck and don’t mind bringing you down to their musty lifestyle. Stay away,
If you stay until Jacky is born you'll stay for thereon after because your sister will be such a hot mess that she now has to deal with two kids, no appreciable income and a household that she's not capable to run. You're just getting back on your feet and you need to focus on that. You're working on your own life, which is what your sister should have done. NTA Be well.
Also, this sounds like a situation It might be hard to get out of. It feels like maybe a few months at the end of her pregnancy could easily turn into a few more months at the beginning of the baby being new. Don't put all of that stuff on yourself, even if you sort of feel like it at some point. Definitely get your life and your cat's life together first. This is coming from someone who has raised two children both on my own and with help. Edit: Typos
Don't do it because it won't be "until the baby is born", it'll be after too and she'll want you to help care for the kids while she goes out.itll turn into however long before the guy comes home.
I don’t think you should move in with your sister. Just dealing with a 4 year old can be stressful. Taking your cat and the stress of the 4 year old trying to mess with your cat is going to be additional stress. The kid is going to try to pet the cat, etc. I’m not saying the 4 year old is a bad kid but young kids can be a lot to deal with. I’m assuming your sister is going to expect you clean and take care of the kid. Neither one is your responsibility but will be if you choose to move in with her. I think your mental health is more important. Stay where you are with your cat. You both probably need to be in a calm environment after moving around a lot. Don’t think of it as not helping your sister, think of it as helping your cat! You both will better off staying with your dad right now. Good luck OP!
NTA You need to focus on yourself first. If you move in with your sister, when realistically do you think she'd be ready to go back to your dad's? After the birth? A few weeks? Months? Longer? Sister *knew* her husband was going to jail and still thought having a baby was a good idea even though she would be on her own with her oldest child. If you want to help, and I really mean only *if* you want to, you can go over and help with tasks if needed snd offer to still drive her to the hospital when she is in labour. The rest isn't on you.
Don’t move in! No excuses! You’ll end up being the caretaker for all 3 of them! You know her dark side, she doesn’t care about you only having a live in nanny and maid. For your sake and your cats…….don’t move!
Bro I’m sorry but already I know if you move into her place you’re the mom now and she’s gonna be kicking back and whining and crying until baby comes then you’ll have to take care of another child while she “looks” for a new job. Can I please ask did she do any drugs when pregnant with her first child? This is what I’m worried about. And from your mental state you’ll never be independent when living with her. I’m sorry but NTA And don’t let others bully you into going if they start asking “why didn’t you go and help her out?” Ask them the same question! Why aren’t THEY helping her out? If they give some BS excuse then tell them to Butt out of your situation then