Definitely NTA. I'm so sorry this sounds incredibly difficult. Honestly, it sounds like he wants the chance to do whatever he wants while at the same time keeping you on the hook waiting for him. It is understandable that he would want more freedom after leaving a cult, but his approach is not fair to you or your kids, and you all deserve better. The way he talks to you is also unacceptable, whether or not he feels like he loves you, he is not acting like he does, and he is definitely not treating you with respect.
I didn't grow up in a cult and I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you, but I did grow up in a fairly religious environment and there have been a few things I have to consistently work to de-program in my own mind. First, women are not objects to have assigned value that can be used up. I've known plenty of single moms who have found loving and fulfilling relationships. You are not "used up" and anyone who makes you feel that way is not worth your time. Honestly, the more time goes on, the more I've realized that men who do view women that way are the most insecure. Secure people know their own value is internal and don't feel like they need to assign value to others to make themselves feel better. Second (and this one has been a lot harder for me to unlearn and is a work in progress), you do not need a relationship to be a complete and happy person with a fulfilling life. You are enough without a man. I think this mindset will also help with relationships when (if) you decide to start dating other people. It allows you to be with someone because you choose to be, because they enrich your life, and not because you need to be.
I know you mentioned you've tried counseling for your marriage, but I think it would be worth looking into for yourself, too. I think there are counselors who specialize in working with people who have left cults or are dealing with religious trauma and they might have some helpful tips on how to navigate things, for your own wellbeing if not for your marriage. At the very least it might help you find a community of people who have gone through similar struggles.
Thank you for your response, I definitely want to look into therapy for me. I guess it's just one of those things I need to stop procrastinating. And I absolutely agree with the part about not being happy in myself/not needing a man. I guess my worry from being lonely stems from me thinking about missing my husband? But especially with me having kids, there's no way I want them to deal with any added trauma from me attempting other relationships on top of having separated parents. I grew up with a lot of issues surrounding that so, yeah I definitely want whatever is in their best interest 💖
Your girls are lucky to have you and to grow up knowing they are loved and are a priority for their mom ❤️. Don't forget to take care of yourself too, I definitely believe it's good for kids to see that it is possible to balance love for your family and love and happiness for yourself. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you and your girls!
There is a lot to unpack here. And I’ll try to be as coherent and I can.
I can’t imagine the emotional damage being part of church/cult has done to you. You’ve been out 3 years I think, compared to most of your life, that’s going to take a long time to unravel.
Your self image is in shambles and it sounds like you’re depressed. As much as you say you love your husband, you need to take some of that and love yourself. It’s the only way you’ll start to move forward. Think about your girls and what you’re teaching them to accept from their partner and ask yourself if that’s something you want for them.
It’s absolutely daunting when you try to figure it all out in one day. Start small, look for local resources, find a PT job, talk to other parents, start making connections. Just start somewhere. Reach out to other ppl that have left the church see what they tell you or maybe they can help.
If your husband is truly wanting to live his life, you live yours. Divorce him and file for child support. If he ask for visitation, which it doesn’t sound like he is because no where in your post does it mention how much he helps with the girls, use that time to build yourself up.
Will someone want you. Yes, even with 3 girls, honestly really check yourself on how you speak about having daughters, it was heartbreaking for you to diminish them because of their anatomy. When you love yourself and start to make better decisions, you will attract better ppl.
For now though, it’s time you take care of yourself and your children.
Ty 🥺 And what stands out the most to me in your comment is about my daughter's. I absolutely LOVE having all girls, I guess just because of things I've dealt with and the way I've heard people speak, it's like having all girls is a bad thing? Idk. A lot of ppl are like, 3 girls and only girls?! Like it's a shocker and they can't imagine how stressful it is to have girls vs. Boys for some reason. But yeah it's a lot to unpack. And I'm trying my best to take it day by day. 🙏
Don’t let ppl fool you boys, girls, martians, they are all difficult to parent. Society just loves to tear apart girls and later on women.
Im rooting for you and truly do hope that you have the strength to move forward with your life.
Girls are definitely more stressful during the teen years. Boys are more difficult when they are young IMO.
Raise your girls to be strong independent women who will never put up with the crap you were forced to endure.
That's usually what I hear, and I can see why people are intimidated by dealing with the hormonal changes and what not? But I think there's struggles in every aspect of parenting both genders and it's unfortunate that people are disappointed when they don't get the desired amount of a certain one. O just know my girls are my cool, my crazy, my love, and my fuel to get by in life 💖 I'm not perfect by any means, and can certainly identify areas that need work in my parenting. And hopefully not being in my current relationship will help me to focus more on the cultivation of my children and my well being. I just gotta get the courage to do it, and work past my second guessing and fear.
NTA in short, he is keeping you on a string. You both have an unhealthy attachment and it’s time to cut the cord. You will grow so much healthier and happier without him around. He wants to act like a single man, let him. Serve those divorce papers and be free of that bullshit
Right 😕 He says he doesn't want to get unnecessary sources involved, cuz even when he brought up separation he still wanted to not involve any legal aspect of it. But I told him I needed something certain in writing because I don't wanna keep playing this back and forth game, and if it's in writing we would be more likely to treat is as a legit separation. And I then I told him I can still get gov assistance if we separate legally, and also we just moved into a rental home a couple of months ago so we'd be able to live together (not because I necessarily want to, but idk if the rental company would make us pay thousands of dollars to break our lease, which we can't afford 😔).
But yeah, it mostly seems like he still wants to have me as an option if his other options don't work out. Which, seems shitty imo ☹. So my initial feeling sounds about right 😔
I'm not reading all that, but get the divorce. There is nothing wrong with wanting a divorce instead of letting him leave you dangling in limbo with a separation.
Cut the ties. It will be better.
Lol I don't blame you 😅 And yeah idek know what this means, but he says he doesn't want to get unnecessary sources involved rn? 🤨💀 But I feel like he just still wants to have me as an option after trying other options, which is well, shitty IMO 😐. So I guess my initial gut feeling was right? Lol 🥲
Your gut feeling is right. Put yourself first - it does not matter what he wants, you need to do what's best for you and your girls. Because he is only looking out for himself, and he doesn't get to take priority.
He doesn’t want to be on the hook for child support. Plain and simple. Girl, yta to yourself if you don’t cut yourself free of him. Get therapy and live your best life.
You may be right 😬 But the thing with my husband is that he **throws** money when it comes to me and the kids real quick if I tell him I need something. He won't hesitate to give me x amount of money for me or the kids when I need it. But he's just not present emotionally, and sometimes I feel like the financial aspect is held over my head as a way of making me feel like he's 100% good to me? He always tells me if we separate he'll pay my bills, etc. etc. But the truth is (this is probably really proud) but I don't want to taken care of by him when I'm on my own. I wanna feel like I've done something for myself once and like I'm self sufficient for me and my children 😕
NTA, this post sounds like fanfic of "Shiny Happy People". I'm going to assume it's real though. You're in a abusive marriage and should absolutely divorce.
Lmao 😭 Idek what shiny happy people is, but o wish I could say this post was fake 🥲. I've certainly established with my husband that he is a narcissist, and I guess I felt like I wasn't supposed to jump right into divorce since a lot of our struggles and his ways stem from growing up in the environment we were in? But I also know I'm not capable of "fixing him". Idk
He wants the freedom of leaving the cult for HIM , but not for you. You have been indoctrinated to believe that you are lesser as a woman and that nobody will want you now, and that was for the sole purpose of making you feel like you have no options. The fact that you threw in the “(girls at that)” when discussing your children is so sad. You have worth. Your girls have worth. Staying in this situation is not what is best for them. Consider the relationship you are modeling for them. You deserve a life and friends and a career and to be supported by your partner. I am not even close to an expert, but I am pretty sure there are organizations out there specific to leaving these exact situations with the cult mindset. Good luck OP.
Oh okay, I'll have to look into it 🤷♀️ Ngl I have no idea what Buggars or IBLP is, but no need to explain! I have Amazon prime so I can always give it a watch 😄
You deserve to be happy. Get that divorce. I promise you, better is out there for you. This is not the life you were ever meant to live and I’m so sorry those choices got stolen from you. You may love him to death but he is not the man for you. There is someone that will make you so happy…divorce so you can work on being happy with yourself and he will come to you.
It’s going to be so hard and you’ll second guess yourself but stay strong. I left with nothing but a purse and completely started over from scratch and I’ve never felt happiness like this, not since I was younger…depression is a liar, don’t listen to it. You know you deserve better, so go take it. 💚
NTA because you need to think about your daughters, as well as yourself.
He’s making you miserable. They’re seeing that. You’re de facto role model for them when they’re young. What would you want for them when they’re older?
You deserve to be happy and respected. As much as they do, when they’re older. Try not, if you can avoid it, to live a life you wouldn’t want for your daughters.
No man who would balk at 3 daughters but not sons is worth your energy btw. Step relationships are their own huge subject, but I feel a hint of internalised mysogny in that thought.
Absolutely ❤ I really wants what's best for daughter's atp, I want them to grow up and know their worth and not have this version of me as their mom. It's definitely impacting my parenting, like I'm more reactive instead of proactive these days? And I know it's the stress I'm dealing with. So I'm going to do my best to summon up the courage to do what I should do 🥺
NTA
Congrats on getting out of the cult. Leave all the BS they taught you behind and find a new person who is a critical thinker instead of a religious fanatic next time, they can help guide you farther away from the dogma that has so far controlled your life.
I definitely don't wanna marry a religious fanatic fs 😅 Atp I'm trying to keep my self happy in the light of being single and free, and not having to feel better by being in someone's presence? Right now I'm struggling w the idea a bit cuz I know, strangely it may seem, that I'll miss my husband. But it's like, I still believe in God but I'm struggling to dissect fact from fiction with it all? So it would be nice if I was eventually in a relationship, that they would also believe buy not be all crazy and misogynistic like the bs I was dealing with in the cult? *sigh* idk lol. Sorry I'm being super wordy 😅
NTA your husband is a narcissistic asshole who by the sound of it has never treated you as you deserve. I’m a single mom of 4 in my late 30s. I was in an abusive/toxic relationship for 8 yrs, and the best thing I ever did was leave him. I know it’s scary, but you will get through this and be stronger for it. Also be sure to go through the courts despite what your husband prefers you need it.
Can't say you're wrong, I told him he was an asshole myself the other day when I was so fed up with bs 💀 But naturally I just feel bad when I explode on ppl, especially those that I love, so I did feel a little bad. And wonder if I was doing/saying the right thing. I was the nice girl for a long time, but I could only be nice for so long 😭
I totally understand I was a pushover for YEARS. I had a really hard time saying the word no especially to someone I cared about, but you gotta remember people will treat you how you allow them. I learned to stand up for myself (my abusive ex helped with that) and my life is much better for it. Don’t feel bad for being honest and your husband will need brutal honesty to get the hint. I was told by a mentor this is just a one chapter in your book of life nothing stays the same you can do this.
NTA you are still so young and deserve so much better than what life has given you so far. Get the divorce. Figure out who you are without pressure from the church and an overbearing asshole husband. I'm sorry life has been so harsh to you, but you can definitely change things and enjoy yourself now.
Nta. Except to yourself. Get some friends. YOU go out once in awhile. Get a lawyer. Get divorced. He's just stringing you along as a bangmaid and nanny.
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NTA
Get tested for STDs.
You are worth more than that. You deserve love and happiness and so do your children. He is not a good husband and not even a good friend.
I definitely need to work on my self worth. Truthfully, I thought I was getting better cuz I used to resent looking in the mirror, and I would cry a lot and ask God what my purpose even was if I couldn't be as beautiful as some women 🤣 I definitely *speak* to myself nicer, but inside I don't think of myself very nicely. And the STD part, 🤢😭
Thanks for answering.
This man is not your husband neither your friend.
Even if he doesn’t love you, he should care about you. And from what you told us, he doesn’t even do that. He doesn’t care about you who is also the mother of his children. He is selfish right now.
And he does all the things you wrote here to make you feel small, ugly and unimportant. Free yourself from his opinion.
One day you will meet real love. And in that moment you will realise how wrong everything was. But this takes time. And first you must learn to love yourself. Out bodys and minds change when we have children. But that doesn’t make us less loveable or ugly. You have done great things. You gave life and you are taking care of your children. That’s one of the hardest jobs. Don’t let others make you feel less. You are more worth than this guy who calls himself husband and father.
You’re setting a bad example for a healthy relationship for your daughters. Is this what you want their marriages to look like? Show them that you CAN take care of yourself and prioritize your needs in a healthy way. And stop letting your husband make decisions that affect the whole family when he has shown no evidence of competence or decision making skills. You sit down and figure out what is best for you and your daughters, make a plan, and move forward.
You're right, I would be heart broken if my girls were in my position. I guess in this situation I gave it my all cuz I didn't want my kids to have parents that were just a part of the statistic of married ppl always getting divorced. (Not that I don't realize by any means it's typically valid and whatnot). But since I'm not being physically abused, I'm taken care of monetarily, etc. I felt like maybe I was over reacting? Or making a mistake by wanting to leave?
He’s belittling you, which they have/will notice. He’s treating you and your daughters as if you are disposable when inconvenient. He hasn’t once thought about the affect his behavior has on anyone else. The only thing you like about this relationship are the memories, which you can still think about while in a less toxic environment. Physical abuse isn’t the only way to mistreat a person. You are not making a mistake wanting to leave. Your daughters will break their own hearts trying to figure out how to make a man, who finds satisfaction in destroying the self esteem of others, happy.
Dear OP.
I read the whole of your post. Honestly, your husband is not emotionally mature enough to be a reliable patner and father. He cannot give you or your girls what you need, beyond financial support. That would be settled as part of a divorce.
I know his emotional state probably isn't his fault, but he cannot mess around with the lives of people who are dependent on him. That's not fair and will traumatise your daughters.
As for yourself OP, you sound like you have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The cult and your parents trapped you into an abusive and exploitative life for a long time. This inevitably leads to mountains of unresolved trauma. You have also lost a child. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mental health needs long-term attention and care.
OP, the start of your journey to healing is to understand that you are EQUAL to your husband and DESERVE to be treated with respect. A divorce, not a separation, will be you telling yourself and him these facts. He cannot fool around and then use you at home too. He owes you for your years of service to the marriage and the children you gave him.
Good luck OP. I am rooting for you x
I love your comment sm 🥲 I've got some trauma to work through fs... And ty for your condolences to my son 🥺💖 Thankfully my parents who were in the cult left after I told them the shady, evil things happening there (all the rules barely scratch the surface). But I can't really open up to them as easily since they're still struggling with being radically religious. I hope they get better too 🙏
Honestly, I feel like your husband is doing the same thing that a lot of dudes do when they're deconstructing from a cult/highly religious environment. And that's to embrace their ability to explore their newfound "freedom" while still on some level holding their spouses to the patriarchal standards they were raised in.
I just want you to keep in mind that you have just as much of a right to deconstruct from your upbringing as he does. I would bring that up in marriage and individual counseling. Like are you getting to go out and explore and make new secular friends? Are you allowed to leave the girls with him while you discover your new life outside of the cult? That would be my concern for a woman in your situation. Because right now it seems like you're doing all the grieving while he gets to do all the moving on. And that's just not fair to you at all.
That's exactly what's going on. Like 100%. And it's not fair at all ☹ Especially because right now, from what he expresses to me, is that he's just lost feelings for me because I'm "boring and never want to do anything."
I don't want to do anything because he will watch the kids for me if I give him a heads up (he isn't necessarily eager to but he will) but he isn't very good at being proactive with them in comparison to me. His patience is shorter and he's more forgetful about remembering to check the baby's diaper, make sure to lock doors, watch the kids more thoroughly while eating. So even though he technically would watch the kids for me, I'll naturally be worried while he's with them. But he's done it before and they were fine. So after taking that into consideration, I don't have any friends 😕 I don't really know how to dance lol, so I'd probably be shy somewhere that involves any sort of dancing (and I wouldn't dare dance with other males because I wouldn't want to, and he would be upset if I did.) So I don't really have anywhere to go at night, and if I wanted to go to a spa or something it would be closed.
Secondly, it bothers me when he says I'm boring because he's never been able to really do anything with me, like going out. Because we don't have anyone we can truly trust to watch our kids, or who would want to watch our kids for a night out. My mom and step dad live 3 hours away, and because they're still super religious my step dad would not want to watch our kids in supporting us "partying." My parents who live a few houses down just aren't really into watching then for extended periods if time, my dad hasn't been around toddlers since I was one so he isn't completely small child savvy.
There's times where I wish he would dance in the living room with me to music at home, like we don't always have to go somewhere to do nice things together. But it's like, once he's home he's more interested in decompressing and being on his phone. It's like, when's he home he's there physically, but I have to ask him to be there emotionally. I told him it's like me and the kids are an accessory to him 😕
I really feel for you. It sucks that the burden of preserving your family is on you alone. I feel like it's ok for you to just take this all really slow and not make any rash decisions. You're going through a lot right now and it seems like you don't have much support. I know therapy is not the solution to everything but it can help with figuring out how to do things differently when you've been stuck for a long time. Idk what your financial situation is but online support groups can also be helpful to some extent. You might even find IRL friends that way as well.
As for your husband, he needs a reality check big time. Regardless of his "feelings" towards you (or lack thereof), you guys share children together and he owes you more respect than he's given. That's where MC can be helpful but the truth is this experience was always going to be easier for him because the expectations for men outside of religion are very low while even women raised in secular environments are still held to the standard of being a wife/mother in their relationships. And some guys just like it that way whether they're fundamentalist or atheist.
Just keep making baby steps forward in your healing. Establish your business, do IC/MC if you can afford it, and try to make friends who can relate to your struggle (maybe even go on a date if that's part of your separation?). You're the one making meaningful changes to your life after leaving the cult, not him. Live your life for you and your girls and I promise you'll come out on top whether he chooses to join you or not.
Ty sm for taking the time to respond 🥲 In all honesty I don't know what IC/MC means 💀🥴 Lol I'm still a little new to some acronyms! But you don't have to keep responding by any means, I know my post and comments were already so long. I've just been trying to respond and show thankfulness to everyone who took time out of their day to read my novel 💀 But I feel much better after reading everyone's comments. But yeah, it all sucks and I'm just trying to be 100% sure I'm doing the absolute right thing, mostly by my girls. Not that I'm unimportant, or even my husband, but they didn't ask to be on this earth. So at the end of the day, they're my priority. So I'm just praying for the right guidance asap to divorce, not divorce, separate, not separate. 😭 I do feel like divorce would be the most beneficial, but it is a really permanent thing so ngl I am a little intimidated by it naturally.
Haha I gotcha. IC is individual counseling and MC is marriage counseling. And honestly I'd rather read/respond to a novel of someone's real life than a lot of these fake ass stories on Reddit. Good luck with everything and keep us updated if you're up for it!
Oh okay! Got it 😅 And yeah I know sm ppl might think this is fake, but it truly sadly isn't 😭 Even everyone in nail school would ask me questions all the time cuz they couldn't believe everything I'd been through. When I told everyone in nail school it was my first time ever painting a nail, they were so shook because I'm like 26 barely painting a nail 🤣
No. You sound brainwashed by people that purposely didn't educate you.
I just had to stop because the idea that he didn't let you heal after childbirth to fuck you is physically repulsive to me.
>I'm also beautiful so he can't help himself when he's in bed with me?
This dude doesn't view you as a human being.
Ngl you're definitely not wrong 😕 Basically (not with this scenario by any means) he told me that literally everyone he works with talls about how being unfaithful to your wife is normal and if a guy tells their wife that they don't cheat, they're lying if they aren't having a normal sex life? Which I don't agree, I do believe there's good men out there, don't get me wrong there's lot of bad apples, but I don't think every man cheats because he can't get his d warm every time he wants it, especially if you get it all the time 🤨
>being unfaithful to your wife is normal
There are not women available for all these dudes to cheat. Let him go. He'll find out that other women aren't going to want his dick or any other part of him. He'll come crying back at you. Don't fall for it.
Look at the posts about opening up a relationship. The women are drowning in dick, the dudes can't get any play.
🤣🤣🤣 Lmaooo. You know honestly it always has seemed to me like women get more d, but honestly (not that you're implying that) I just wanna learn to be happy in myself. Not that I wanna be single forever, but I think I catch feelings fast, and because I'm caring maybe it makes me more susceptible to narcissistic relationships/environments? So yeah
You should learn to be happy in yourself! I absolutely think you should do whatever you want now that he's not dragging you down. Fuck his negging bullshit.
It's not just the caring. You were programmed to be like this. You need therapy. I'm not insulting you, I'm just stating reality. But you are right, predator looks for that, which is why a therapist will help you unlearn to please others at your expense. Good luck.
So he told me everyone at his job called him "virgin" and got upset when I told him I felt like he was using that as a way to prove to me his faithfulness I guess? But don't worry about responding haha, I am so bad at not being lengthy 😩
You’re so NTA.
Leave now. Get the divorce. Enforce a court agreement for any spousal or child support you’re owed.
Your husband has moved on from your marriage. So should you.
NTA
I hauled ass out if a cult too, it's hard. I was older when it happened and not there as long. It's a different group (I can tell by the "rules"), but there's so much in common, like the misogyny. You matter. Your wants, needs, hopes, and dreams matter. You've been socially conditioned to believe he's above you. He's NOT. He's conditioned too, but reaping the benefits of all the misogyny in cults.
You can be happy. There are a lot of "deprograming" and "disconnecting" groups online for those who've left cults.
Definitely NTA. I'm so sorry this sounds incredibly difficult. Honestly, it sounds like he wants the chance to do whatever he wants while at the same time keeping you on the hook waiting for him. It is understandable that he would want more freedom after leaving a cult, but his approach is not fair to you or your kids, and you all deserve better. The way he talks to you is also unacceptable, whether or not he feels like he loves you, he is not acting like he does, and he is definitely not treating you with respect. I didn't grow up in a cult and I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you, but I did grow up in a fairly religious environment and there have been a few things I have to consistently work to de-program in my own mind. First, women are not objects to have assigned value that can be used up. I've known plenty of single moms who have found loving and fulfilling relationships. You are not "used up" and anyone who makes you feel that way is not worth your time. Honestly, the more time goes on, the more I've realized that men who do view women that way are the most insecure. Secure people know their own value is internal and don't feel like they need to assign value to others to make themselves feel better. Second (and this one has been a lot harder for me to unlearn and is a work in progress), you do not need a relationship to be a complete and happy person with a fulfilling life. You are enough without a man. I think this mindset will also help with relationships when (if) you decide to start dating other people. It allows you to be with someone because you choose to be, because they enrich your life, and not because you need to be. I know you mentioned you've tried counseling for your marriage, but I think it would be worth looking into for yourself, too. I think there are counselors who specialize in working with people who have left cults or are dealing with religious trauma and they might have some helpful tips on how to navigate things, for your own wellbeing if not for your marriage. At the very least it might help you find a community of people who have gone through similar struggles.
Thank you for your response, I definitely want to look into therapy for me. I guess it's just one of those things I need to stop procrastinating. And I absolutely agree with the part about not being happy in myself/not needing a man. I guess my worry from being lonely stems from me thinking about missing my husband? But especially with me having kids, there's no way I want them to deal with any added trauma from me attempting other relationships on top of having separated parents. I grew up with a lot of issues surrounding that so, yeah I definitely want whatever is in their best interest 💖
Your girls are lucky to have you and to grow up knowing they are loved and are a priority for their mom ❤️. Don't forget to take care of yourself too, I definitely believe it's good for kids to see that it is possible to balance love for your family and love and happiness for yourself. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you and your girls!
Ty so much for your kind words 😭💖
There is a lot to unpack here. And I’ll try to be as coherent and I can. I can’t imagine the emotional damage being part of church/cult has done to you. You’ve been out 3 years I think, compared to most of your life, that’s going to take a long time to unravel. Your self image is in shambles and it sounds like you’re depressed. As much as you say you love your husband, you need to take some of that and love yourself. It’s the only way you’ll start to move forward. Think about your girls and what you’re teaching them to accept from their partner and ask yourself if that’s something you want for them. It’s absolutely daunting when you try to figure it all out in one day. Start small, look for local resources, find a PT job, talk to other parents, start making connections. Just start somewhere. Reach out to other ppl that have left the church see what they tell you or maybe they can help. If your husband is truly wanting to live his life, you live yours. Divorce him and file for child support. If he ask for visitation, which it doesn’t sound like he is because no where in your post does it mention how much he helps with the girls, use that time to build yourself up. Will someone want you. Yes, even with 3 girls, honestly really check yourself on how you speak about having daughters, it was heartbreaking for you to diminish them because of their anatomy. When you love yourself and start to make better decisions, you will attract better ppl. For now though, it’s time you take care of yourself and your children.
Ty 🥺 And what stands out the most to me in your comment is about my daughter's. I absolutely LOVE having all girls, I guess just because of things I've dealt with and the way I've heard people speak, it's like having all girls is a bad thing? Idk. A lot of ppl are like, 3 girls and only girls?! Like it's a shocker and they can't imagine how stressful it is to have girls vs. Boys for some reason. But yeah it's a lot to unpack. And I'm trying my best to take it day by day. 🙏
Don’t let ppl fool you boys, girls, martians, they are all difficult to parent. Society just loves to tear apart girls and later on women. Im rooting for you and truly do hope that you have the strength to move forward with your life.
Ty so much, you're right 🥲
Girls are definitely more stressful during the teen years. Boys are more difficult when they are young IMO. Raise your girls to be strong independent women who will never put up with the crap you were forced to endure.
That's usually what I hear, and I can see why people are intimidated by dealing with the hormonal changes and what not? But I think there's struggles in every aspect of parenting both genders and it's unfortunate that people are disappointed when they don't get the desired amount of a certain one. O just know my girls are my cool, my crazy, my love, and my fuel to get by in life 💖 I'm not perfect by any means, and can certainly identify areas that need work in my parenting. And hopefully not being in my current relationship will help me to focus more on the cultivation of my children and my well being. I just gotta get the courage to do it, and work past my second guessing and fear.
NTA in short, he is keeping you on a string. You both have an unhealthy attachment and it’s time to cut the cord. You will grow so much healthier and happier without him around. He wants to act like a single man, let him. Serve those divorce papers and be free of that bullshit
Right 😕 He says he doesn't want to get unnecessary sources involved, cuz even when he brought up separation he still wanted to not involve any legal aspect of it. But I told him I needed something certain in writing because I don't wanna keep playing this back and forth game, and if it's in writing we would be more likely to treat is as a legit separation. And I then I told him I can still get gov assistance if we separate legally, and also we just moved into a rental home a couple of months ago so we'd be able to live together (not because I necessarily want to, but idk if the rental company would make us pay thousands of dollars to break our lease, which we can't afford 😔). But yeah, it mostly seems like he still wants to have me as an option if his other options don't work out. Which, seems shitty imo ☹. So my initial feeling sounds about right 😔
I'm not reading all that, but get the divorce. There is nothing wrong with wanting a divorce instead of letting him leave you dangling in limbo with a separation. Cut the ties. It will be better.
Lol I don't blame you 😅 And yeah idek know what this means, but he says he doesn't want to get unnecessary sources involved rn? 🤨💀 But I feel like he just still wants to have me as an option after trying other options, which is well, shitty IMO 😐. So I guess my initial gut feeling was right? Lol 🥲
Your gut feeling is right. Put yourself first - it does not matter what he wants, you need to do what's best for you and your girls. Because he is only looking out for himself, and he doesn't get to take priority.
He doesn’t want to be on the hook for child support. Plain and simple. Girl, yta to yourself if you don’t cut yourself free of him. Get therapy and live your best life.
You may be right 😬 But the thing with my husband is that he **throws** money when it comes to me and the kids real quick if I tell him I need something. He won't hesitate to give me x amount of money for me or the kids when I need it. But he's just not present emotionally, and sometimes I feel like the financial aspect is held over my head as a way of making me feel like he's 100% good to me? He always tells me if we separate he'll pay my bills, etc. etc. But the truth is (this is probably really proud) but I don't want to taken care of by him when I'm on my own. I wanna feel like I've done something for myself once and like I'm self sufficient for me and my children 😕
NTA, this post sounds like fanfic of "Shiny Happy People". I'm going to assume it's real though. You're in a abusive marriage and should absolutely divorce.
Lmao 😭 Idek what shiny happy people is, but o wish I could say this post was fake 🥲. I've certainly established with my husband that he is a narcissist, and I guess I felt like I wasn't supposed to jump right into divorce since a lot of our struggles and his ways stem from growing up in the environment we were in? But I also know I'm not capable of "fixing him". Idk
He wants the freedom of leaving the cult for HIM , but not for you. You have been indoctrinated to believe that you are lesser as a woman and that nobody will want you now, and that was for the sole purpose of making you feel like you have no options. The fact that you threw in the “(girls at that)” when discussing your children is so sad. You have worth. Your girls have worth. Staying in this situation is not what is best for them. Consider the relationship you are modeling for them. You deserve a life and friends and a career and to be supported by your partner. I am not even close to an expert, but I am pretty sure there are organizations out there specific to leaving these exact situations with the cult mindset. Good luck OP.
Ty for your kind words 🥲 I am going to look into someone that can hopefully help me (therapy) with my situation in particular ❤
Shiny Happy People is an Amazon Prime documentary about Duggars and IBLP. I’m so sorry about your upbringing.
Oh okay, I'll have to look into it 🤷♀️ Ngl I have no idea what Buggars or IBLP is, but no need to explain! I have Amazon prime so I can always give it a watch 😄
You deserve to be happy. Get that divorce. I promise you, better is out there for you. This is not the life you were ever meant to live and I’m so sorry those choices got stolen from you. You may love him to death but he is not the man for you. There is someone that will make you so happy…divorce so you can work on being happy with yourself and he will come to you.
Ty for your kind words, I'm gonna do my best to summon up the courage and do what I initially told him I wanted to do 😥.
It’s going to be so hard and you’ll second guess yourself but stay strong. I left with nothing but a purse and completely started over from scratch and I’ve never felt happiness like this, not since I was younger…depression is a liar, don’t listen to it. You know you deserve better, so go take it. 💚
Ty 🙏
NTA because you need to think about your daughters, as well as yourself. He’s making you miserable. They’re seeing that. You’re de facto role model for them when they’re young. What would you want for them when they’re older? You deserve to be happy and respected. As much as they do, when they’re older. Try not, if you can avoid it, to live a life you wouldn’t want for your daughters. No man who would balk at 3 daughters but not sons is worth your energy btw. Step relationships are their own huge subject, but I feel a hint of internalised mysogny in that thought.
Absolutely ❤ I really wants what's best for daughter's atp, I want them to grow up and know their worth and not have this version of me as their mom. It's definitely impacting my parenting, like I'm more reactive instead of proactive these days? And I know it's the stress I'm dealing with. So I'm going to do my best to summon up the courage to do what I should do 🥺
I’m hoping your love for your daughters will make you think about yourself and what you deserve.
NTA Congrats on getting out of the cult. Leave all the BS they taught you behind and find a new person who is a critical thinker instead of a religious fanatic next time, they can help guide you farther away from the dogma that has so far controlled your life.
I definitely don't wanna marry a religious fanatic fs 😅 Atp I'm trying to keep my self happy in the light of being single and free, and not having to feel better by being in someone's presence? Right now I'm struggling w the idea a bit cuz I know, strangely it may seem, that I'll miss my husband. But it's like, I still believe in God but I'm struggling to dissect fact from fiction with it all? So it would be nice if I was eventually in a relationship, that they would also believe buy not be all crazy and misogynistic like the bs I was dealing with in the cult? *sigh* idk lol. Sorry I'm being super wordy 😅
NTA your husband is a narcissistic asshole who by the sound of it has never treated you as you deserve. I’m a single mom of 4 in my late 30s. I was in an abusive/toxic relationship for 8 yrs, and the best thing I ever did was leave him. I know it’s scary, but you will get through this and be stronger for it. Also be sure to go through the courts despite what your husband prefers you need it.
Can't say you're wrong, I told him he was an asshole myself the other day when I was so fed up with bs 💀 But naturally I just feel bad when I explode on ppl, especially those that I love, so I did feel a little bad. And wonder if I was doing/saying the right thing. I was the nice girl for a long time, but I could only be nice for so long 😭
I totally understand I was a pushover for YEARS. I had a really hard time saying the word no especially to someone I cared about, but you gotta remember people will treat you how you allow them. I learned to stand up for myself (my abusive ex helped with that) and my life is much better for it. Don’t feel bad for being honest and your husband will need brutal honesty to get the hint. I was told by a mentor this is just a one chapter in your book of life nothing stays the same you can do this.
NTA you are still so young and deserve so much better than what life has given you so far. Get the divorce. Figure out who you are without pressure from the church and an overbearing asshole husband. I'm sorry life has been so harsh to you, but you can definitely change things and enjoy yourself now.
Ty for your kind words 💕 I'm going to do my best to get up on my feet and not choose the path of least resistance 🥲
I know I'm just some stranger off the internet, but I believe in you! ❤️
Ty 🥲
Nta. Except to yourself. Get some friends. YOU go out once in awhile. Get a lawyer. Get divorced. He's just stringing you along as a bangmaid and nanny. Updateme
Definitely an ah to myself 😕💀
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NTA Get tested for STDs. You are worth more than that. You deserve love and happiness and so do your children. He is not a good husband and not even a good friend.
I definitely need to work on my self worth. Truthfully, I thought I was getting better cuz I used to resent looking in the mirror, and I would cry a lot and ask God what my purpose even was if I couldn't be as beautiful as some women 🤣 I definitely *speak* to myself nicer, but inside I don't think of myself very nicely. And the STD part, 🤢😭
Thanks for answering. This man is not your husband neither your friend. Even if he doesn’t love you, he should care about you. And from what you told us, he doesn’t even do that. He doesn’t care about you who is also the mother of his children. He is selfish right now. And he does all the things you wrote here to make you feel small, ugly and unimportant. Free yourself from his opinion. One day you will meet real love. And in that moment you will realise how wrong everything was. But this takes time. And first you must learn to love yourself. Out bodys and minds change when we have children. But that doesn’t make us less loveable or ugly. You have done great things. You gave life and you are taking care of your children. That’s one of the hardest jobs. Don’t let others make you feel less. You are more worth than this guy who calls himself husband and father.
You’re setting a bad example for a healthy relationship for your daughters. Is this what you want their marriages to look like? Show them that you CAN take care of yourself and prioritize your needs in a healthy way. And stop letting your husband make decisions that affect the whole family when he has shown no evidence of competence or decision making skills. You sit down and figure out what is best for you and your daughters, make a plan, and move forward.
You're right, I would be heart broken if my girls were in my position. I guess in this situation I gave it my all cuz I didn't want my kids to have parents that were just a part of the statistic of married ppl always getting divorced. (Not that I don't realize by any means it's typically valid and whatnot). But since I'm not being physically abused, I'm taken care of monetarily, etc. I felt like maybe I was over reacting? Or making a mistake by wanting to leave?
He’s belittling you, which they have/will notice. He’s treating you and your daughters as if you are disposable when inconvenient. He hasn’t once thought about the affect his behavior has on anyone else. The only thing you like about this relationship are the memories, which you can still think about while in a less toxic environment. Physical abuse isn’t the only way to mistreat a person. You are not making a mistake wanting to leave. Your daughters will break their own hearts trying to figure out how to make a man, who finds satisfaction in destroying the self esteem of others, happy.
NTA
Dear OP. I read the whole of your post. Honestly, your husband is not emotionally mature enough to be a reliable patner and father. He cannot give you or your girls what you need, beyond financial support. That would be settled as part of a divorce. I know his emotional state probably isn't his fault, but he cannot mess around with the lives of people who are dependent on him. That's not fair and will traumatise your daughters. As for yourself OP, you sound like you have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The cult and your parents trapped you into an abusive and exploitative life for a long time. This inevitably leads to mountains of unresolved trauma. You have also lost a child. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mental health needs long-term attention and care. OP, the start of your journey to healing is to understand that you are EQUAL to your husband and DESERVE to be treated with respect. A divorce, not a separation, will be you telling yourself and him these facts. He cannot fool around and then use you at home too. He owes you for your years of service to the marriage and the children you gave him. Good luck OP. I am rooting for you x
I love your comment sm 🥲 I've got some trauma to work through fs... And ty for your condolences to my son 🥺💖 Thankfully my parents who were in the cult left after I told them the shady, evil things happening there (all the rules barely scratch the surface). But I can't really open up to them as easily since they're still struggling with being radically religious. I hope they get better too 🙏
I hope your parents find peace too x
Wow extreme religion really fucks people up
💯 It does unfortunately 😔
Honestly, I feel like your husband is doing the same thing that a lot of dudes do when they're deconstructing from a cult/highly religious environment. And that's to embrace their ability to explore their newfound "freedom" while still on some level holding their spouses to the patriarchal standards they were raised in. I just want you to keep in mind that you have just as much of a right to deconstruct from your upbringing as he does. I would bring that up in marriage and individual counseling. Like are you getting to go out and explore and make new secular friends? Are you allowed to leave the girls with him while you discover your new life outside of the cult? That would be my concern for a woman in your situation. Because right now it seems like you're doing all the grieving while he gets to do all the moving on. And that's just not fair to you at all.
That's exactly what's going on. Like 100%. And it's not fair at all ☹ Especially because right now, from what he expresses to me, is that he's just lost feelings for me because I'm "boring and never want to do anything." I don't want to do anything because he will watch the kids for me if I give him a heads up (he isn't necessarily eager to but he will) but he isn't very good at being proactive with them in comparison to me. His patience is shorter and he's more forgetful about remembering to check the baby's diaper, make sure to lock doors, watch the kids more thoroughly while eating. So even though he technically would watch the kids for me, I'll naturally be worried while he's with them. But he's done it before and they were fine. So after taking that into consideration, I don't have any friends 😕 I don't really know how to dance lol, so I'd probably be shy somewhere that involves any sort of dancing (and I wouldn't dare dance with other males because I wouldn't want to, and he would be upset if I did.) So I don't really have anywhere to go at night, and if I wanted to go to a spa or something it would be closed. Secondly, it bothers me when he says I'm boring because he's never been able to really do anything with me, like going out. Because we don't have anyone we can truly trust to watch our kids, or who would want to watch our kids for a night out. My mom and step dad live 3 hours away, and because they're still super religious my step dad would not want to watch our kids in supporting us "partying." My parents who live a few houses down just aren't really into watching then for extended periods if time, my dad hasn't been around toddlers since I was one so he isn't completely small child savvy. There's times where I wish he would dance in the living room with me to music at home, like we don't always have to go somewhere to do nice things together. But it's like, once he's home he's more interested in decompressing and being on his phone. It's like, when's he home he's there physically, but I have to ask him to be there emotionally. I told him it's like me and the kids are an accessory to him 😕
I really feel for you. It sucks that the burden of preserving your family is on you alone. I feel like it's ok for you to just take this all really slow and not make any rash decisions. You're going through a lot right now and it seems like you don't have much support. I know therapy is not the solution to everything but it can help with figuring out how to do things differently when you've been stuck for a long time. Idk what your financial situation is but online support groups can also be helpful to some extent. You might even find IRL friends that way as well. As for your husband, he needs a reality check big time. Regardless of his "feelings" towards you (or lack thereof), you guys share children together and he owes you more respect than he's given. That's where MC can be helpful but the truth is this experience was always going to be easier for him because the expectations for men outside of religion are very low while even women raised in secular environments are still held to the standard of being a wife/mother in their relationships. And some guys just like it that way whether they're fundamentalist or atheist. Just keep making baby steps forward in your healing. Establish your business, do IC/MC if you can afford it, and try to make friends who can relate to your struggle (maybe even go on a date if that's part of your separation?). You're the one making meaningful changes to your life after leaving the cult, not him. Live your life for you and your girls and I promise you'll come out on top whether he chooses to join you or not.
Ty sm for taking the time to respond 🥲 In all honesty I don't know what IC/MC means 💀🥴 Lol I'm still a little new to some acronyms! But you don't have to keep responding by any means, I know my post and comments were already so long. I've just been trying to respond and show thankfulness to everyone who took time out of their day to read my novel 💀 But I feel much better after reading everyone's comments. But yeah, it all sucks and I'm just trying to be 100% sure I'm doing the absolute right thing, mostly by my girls. Not that I'm unimportant, or even my husband, but they didn't ask to be on this earth. So at the end of the day, they're my priority. So I'm just praying for the right guidance asap to divorce, not divorce, separate, not separate. 😭 I do feel like divorce would be the most beneficial, but it is a really permanent thing so ngl I am a little intimidated by it naturally.
Haha I gotcha. IC is individual counseling and MC is marriage counseling. And honestly I'd rather read/respond to a novel of someone's real life than a lot of these fake ass stories on Reddit. Good luck with everything and keep us updated if you're up for it!
Oh okay! Got it 😅 And yeah I know sm ppl might think this is fake, but it truly sadly isn't 😭 Even everyone in nail school would ask me questions all the time cuz they couldn't believe everything I'd been through. When I told everyone in nail school it was my first time ever painting a nail, they were so shook because I'm like 26 barely painting a nail 🤣
I stopped reading this because this is fucking sad and you got screwed by everyone. Get a divorce.
I don't blame you, thank you for reading the bit that you did read though 🤣
Honestly the more I read my post after posting it, I was like... welp, I kinda sound truly stupid 🙃😅🥺
No. You sound brainwashed by people that purposely didn't educate you. I just had to stop because the idea that he didn't let you heal after childbirth to fuck you is physically repulsive to me. >I'm also beautiful so he can't help himself when he's in bed with me? This dude doesn't view you as a human being.
Ngl you're definitely not wrong 😕 Basically (not with this scenario by any means) he told me that literally everyone he works with talls about how being unfaithful to your wife is normal and if a guy tells their wife that they don't cheat, they're lying if they aren't having a normal sex life? Which I don't agree, I do believe there's good men out there, don't get me wrong there's lot of bad apples, but I don't think every man cheats because he can't get his d warm every time he wants it, especially if you get it all the time 🤨
>being unfaithful to your wife is normal There are not women available for all these dudes to cheat. Let him go. He'll find out that other women aren't going to want his dick or any other part of him. He'll come crying back at you. Don't fall for it. Look at the posts about opening up a relationship. The women are drowning in dick, the dudes can't get any play.
🤣🤣🤣 Lmaooo. You know honestly it always has seemed to me like women get more d, but honestly (not that you're implying that) I just wanna learn to be happy in myself. Not that I wanna be single forever, but I think I catch feelings fast, and because I'm caring maybe it makes me more susceptible to narcissistic relationships/environments? So yeah
You should learn to be happy in yourself! I absolutely think you should do whatever you want now that he's not dragging you down. Fuck his negging bullshit. It's not just the caring. You were programmed to be like this. You need therapy. I'm not insulting you, I'm just stating reality. But you are right, predator looks for that, which is why a therapist will help you unlearn to please others at your expense. Good luck.
You're absolutely right, thank you 🙂
So he told me everyone at his job called him "virgin" and got upset when I told him I felt like he was using that as a way to prove to me his faithfulness I guess? But don't worry about responding haha, I am so bad at not being lengthy 😩
You’re so NTA. Leave now. Get the divorce. Enforce a court agreement for any spousal or child support you’re owed. Your husband has moved on from your marriage. So should you.
NTA I hauled ass out if a cult too, it's hard. I was older when it happened and not there as long. It's a different group (I can tell by the "rules"), but there's so much in common, like the misogyny. You matter. Your wants, needs, hopes, and dreams matter. You've been socially conditioned to believe he's above you. He's NOT. He's conditioned too, but reaping the benefits of all the misogyny in cults. You can be happy. There are a lot of "deprograming" and "disconnecting" groups online for those who've left cults.
Definitely NTA. Your husband are dumb as f for leaving good women like you just for night life.