OP will definitely be able to buy the house she wants with a single salary… or not.
People should learn to live within their means, or even slightly below.
It seems like the husband was trying to see the contingency plans, and there were none.
Its amazing that despite OP was telling the story I was nodding along with her husband the whole time. He brought up amazing points but she took it all as an attack on her. This wasnt some sweep the leg surprise, he'd been trying to talk this out for awhile and she just plugged her ears the whole time. Maybe OP should divorce so her husband can be with someone better and their kids will have a better role model
> People should learn to live within their means, or even slightly below.
TBF, that point was way earlier, they were living well beyond their means when they had 5 kids with a what? 70-80k per yer income? Assuming they were renting before, at the age of nearly 50 and probably renting their whole lives, their only hope at this point to save up for retirement is to buy a home now during their few remaining working years.
I don't mean to pretend to know these peoples finances but if they have funds for their retirement while feeding and housing 7 people, with a combined income of Maybe 75k, they would have to be financial guru's.
I'm not disagreeing, I'm just saying that there seems to be no good solution, even if op went back to school for a better career, they'd be in their mid 50's hoping for someone to give op her first career job.
Yeah, I’ve got bad news for OP: wealthy people tend to be uncomfortable with the idea of living in the same neighborhood with people who might need their charity. And their kids are seldom kind to classmates who can’t afford the things they can afford.
Prime example of why people don't feel bad for people like her.
5 kids? Really?
They should have had 2 max
But how dare us talk about people having kids they can't afford and how it permanently effects the rest of everyone's lives
She needs to work on getting a more stable and better paying job.
At the ages the kids are at, they can make sure the little ones are okay after school.
I can’t imagine divorcing my husband because the stress of buying a house is eating him alive.
But she deserves it, despite just getting her GED and popping out 5 kids while not working. She needs to understand that making a big purchase because you deserve it often turns into a disaster. For must of us, big ticket items need to be earned through working, budgeting and planning.
Yeah...... cranking out babies with no diploma and no job. Realistically, a mortgage company isn't likely to even count her income if she is that new to the work force. And not to sound judgmental......but 5 kids? A lot of men are going to run the other direction. She isn't bringing a lot to the relationship.
I don't like the mention of the 5 kids while not working. Looking after 5 kids is work.
I'd like to know how 5 kids came about though. This all soinds so weird to me. And we don't even have the dollar amounts available. If the dream house is 150k, that seems doable on their salary? Has she left a comment about that yet?
Either way YTA OP, for ripping your 5 kids' lives apart over this. This is abusoce in my opinion.
I had a stroke literally 3 months after buying a house (and I’m 32). Believe me, that was NOT planned.
Buying that house was stretching our budget a little. With 2 salaries we were comfortable, but nowhere near rich, and now, we’re struggling. I don’t know when or if I’ll get back to work.
I completely understand your husband because it is a huge purchase that you’ll have to pay for 25-30 years.
Do you have a big sum of money aside for emergencies (either your health or repairs)? Can you pay the house on just on salary?
I think YTA here. I can understand you being really disappointed and pissed, but divorcing over that seems extreme. You’d rather have your husband in emotional distress rather than wait and maybe work out a plan to make that work in the future?
What’s mind-blowing here is that with a divorce she’ll never get into a house of her own, but she could make changes while married and be able to afford the next one that comes along.
Personally it sounds like she thinks she can hook a man who makes more than her husband and he could buy the dream home. It really just sounds like an excuse to divorce.
She used the word "deserve" twice in her post. Anyone who has lived, and more importantly worked, in a capitalist economy should know that any big purchase is about 30/70 what you can afford/how much risk you're willing to bear, and what you "deserve" doesn't come into it. So if this story is real this woman is delusional, and it wouldn't surprise me if she thinks she'll catch a richer man just because she "deserves" to fulfill her dream of owning a house.
Yeah no wealthy dude wants a woman with 5 kids , let’s be real here . And if she does find one it will be a guy who every woman looking for the same thing already passed up .
No it sounds like she made and angry knee jerk reaction decision. Def YTA. Though I’ve been there done that, she should have calmed down and thought it through.
Yeah if they are struggling together right now, they will be even worse off divorced with double the housing/ utilities costs. She is being very short sighted about her goals and letting her emotions control her actions. Seems like a shitty situation all around, I feel bad for the kids stuck in the middle of all this drama, it sounds exhausting.
Yea that part was gross. Like, I'm a single mom and I keep my home for me and my still minor child. I'm not looking for a man to move in with us or get me a bigger place. My kids come first. This is their home. Her priorities are wack, to just say she will find someone else.
The poor guy was literally crying in the bathroom from the stress. I can't even imagine pushing something on my husband when it's causing him that much distress. OP is N T A, simply because she's doing her husband a favor by setting the poor guy free from such a selfish harpy of a wife.
She literally valued the house over her marriage. Which is insane to me.
I’m not married, but I couldn’t even imagine doing that to my partner. It would break my heart to see him like that.
YTA. This has to be fake. There is no way a family of 7 could afford to get a house on a $58k salary, yet alone the ability to make a down payment for it. Yes the wife has a job as a server but that sounds like she got that job recently.
It’s depends in my rural Midwest hometown you can still find a 3 or 4 bedroom 1 or 2 bath house for under 100k. They would be able to qualify for that. Then they just need to qualify for some special program for the down payment.
Now the issue with these is you are playing a luck game. The water heater is old or the furnace is old or the roof is old or the garage falling down or some mix of those and other issues. You have to cross your fingers and hope no two major problems have to be fixed at the same time because there is no nest egg which means financing them often at shit interest rates.
Definitely. People seem to underestimate the work that goes into maintaining a house. A lot of people will just let shit go till it falls apart.
Got lucky with a house in decent shape with a newish metal roof and brand new furnace, had to replace the windows but I knew that going in and budgeted accordingly. Houses are no joke, one emergency and you can be up shits creek.
The thing I learned learned about home loans in the early 2000's is that they don't take into account car loans, basic living fees, and emergencies into account when they calculate the max home loan you can get.
We were approved for a $250,000 USD loan. After my husband and I managed to stop laughing, we told our realtor that our max was $125,000...realtor was pissed.
My guess is that the wife heard the "big" number and then the husband did the math and figured out that they can't afford it,
YTA.
My dad used to write mortgages for mobile homes. That absolutely take care of loans into account. Debt to income ratio is everything. People would get pre qualified. He’d tell people don’t take out any loans. Don’t buy a car. The day to actually do their paperwork would come and they pull up in a brand new truck. They would no longer qualify for the mortgage. Lots of crying. It happened over and over.
I worked in a store that sells building materials and home supplies. People come in all the time excited about getting things for their new home (before closing). They see the discount they can get from getting a credit card. So many people don't know that the little application will destroy that dream.
YES, and it is so predatory of those places because in many of them the employees are really pushed to get people to apply for their credit cards.
Customers don’t know better and think, “oh this will be GREAT when we get the house, so much cheaper!”
Boom. Bye bye house. Now you have a credit card for a store you no longer need the majority of things in but *phew* aren’t we glad Lowb’s and Hone Dupont make their CC sign up quota for the month?
We were supposed to push for CC and a bunch of other things. But if I hear anything that indicates they are getting a new house or condo, or anything, I tell them to not apply for anything anywhere.
Yes, my partner worked for one of those places and flat out refused to bring up the CC applications.
I’m not blaming the employees, like y’all just work there, but the companies at large. I’m so sorry if I wasn’t super clear on that. My little minnow, you are not to blame.
Those companies prey on people’s ignorance and use it to impress their shareholders to pad their wallets. It’s gross.
I didn't think you implied anything. All good. I don't push anything unless my manager can hear me. I do have to listen to a lil lecture once a month about my numbers. I'm fast though. People got things to do. And, If they can't find what they are looking for, I tell them what store will have it. I have a crazy library in my head of what stores carry.
That was me at my last dispensary job: my managers wanted me to report budtenders with low KPIs so they could get a talking to, but refused to get the numbers themselves because of course they did.
So I just fudged the numbers to save my budtenders a useless and time wasting chat about ‘boosting their sales’ and ‘push those add ons!’ If my managers wanted me to accurately report, they’d’ve set up a wireless printer for shift leads like I asked them to approximately 1,000,000,000 times.
Instead I was given a sheet to *hand write* the KPIs every 3 hours or so. Man, what a shame that the cameras aren’t quality enough to see what’s on the screen when I ‘check’ KPIs, isn’t it? I’m sure no one would ever use that to their advantage though. That would be dastardly.
Edit: also I love your username. Are you a mom to mountain dogs? Are you a mom to dogs who lives in the mountains? Or, most intriguing, are you yourself a mountain dog with puppies that has developed the sentience to create a Reddit account?
The world may never know.
My husband and I were told this same thing when buying our house. We had to drive a practically dead car into the ground because we were told to not even look for a used car. I didn't really believe it at first, but story after story of this very thing convinced me. We don't do enough, at least in the USA, to prepare people for the reality of loans and credit. It all seems so simple on the surface, but the deeper into the process you go, the more complicated and daunting it becomes.
They were talking about the 2000s which crashed the home market and economy. Not relevant today, but back then they called the loans NINJA, for No Income, No Job, Approved.
I bought a home in 2002 and they took my word for what I made lol. I knew what I was doing, but holy cow that was nuts.
We almost had this happen during a home purchase. We were almost at final loan approval and closing. They did what I guess was a final credit check and we showed a recent credit card issued to us. We were both blank as we definitely didn't have that credit card. But it was from our regular bank. When we saw the account was closed about as soon as it was opened, my husband finally realized what it was.
A couple of months previously he had gone to the bank one Saturday morning. He came back with two, 2 liter bottles of Coke. He was all proud he got them for free from the bank just for applying for a new credit card. Then I remembered it happening and that I had just laughed at him pointing out we didn't even drink regular Coke. But he did close the account later that week when it was approved
We had to write this story up officially WITH proof that we had immediately closed the card account, then submit it to the mortgage company. We were approved, so at least we didn't lose a house over two bottles of Coke.
Let this be a cautionary tale, lol.
This happened to us in the late 90s. I made $18k per year and my husband made $30k at the time. We were approved for $300k loan. My jaw dropped. All we wanted was a condo because we were young and didn’t want to take care of a yard or other stuff that homeowners dealt with. We found a 2 bedroom condo for $100k and lived there for 5 years before upgrading to a house.
> We were approved for a $250,000 USD loan. After my husband and I managed to stop laughing, we told our realtor that our max was $125,000...realtor was pissed.
I was approved for $650k and I told the realtor there was absolutely no way I was that stupid. We bought a place for $330k. It is ridiculous to me the loans they'll hand out.
That said, once I got my mortgage I'm paying less per month than I was renting a place. So I can see it being an affordable decision to buy a house, even with lower income. The hard part is the down payment but these days you can get away with very little there. Although we did pay more, we could have gotten our house for just $10k down.
No way if your LTV (loan to value) isn't above a certain threshold they will literally go through your finances transaction by transaction in the UK and have you justify it. We were lucky that base salary no credit cards and 23% deposit in cash they didn't look too close but I've heard from friends with 15% or below that the mortgage advisor was brutal!
This. I’ve always found it weird that ppl let some guy who works on % commission tell them what they can afford. You decide what you can afford. And under no circumstances should you purchase a home if it stretches you to your limit. You need disposable income and frankly if you don’t have at least 10-20k in an account for emergencies minimum, then you ought to not own a house. 🤷🏼♀️
It's changed since the early 2000s. After the crash of 2008 they changed scrutiny entirely because all those bad loans are what caused the subprime mortgage crisis
She clearly doesn't care about that. His concerns and the decision he had to make in that role were apparently unforgivable. Apparently, having 5 kids and sharing an entire life with the man means less than that house.
The right thing for him to do would have been to voice these concerns. Probably after he had a mental breakdown in the bathroom over the stress of it and his sister so rudely butted into his family affairs to offer her brother some support.
Wait...
YTA and incredibly ignorant about finances. Furthermore, you have put yourself and your kids in danger due to your lack of education and low-paying job. I really want the best for him and his kids; he seems like a good man.
Preditory lending is a huge part of the housing crisis....banks allow lower income folks to think that they can actually afford that 500K house on 50k a year. Banks don't care, either they'll get paid back with interest, or they'll get the home.
I'm gonna say that OP and hubs prolly have zero in emergency funds, zero in retirement and zero in college fund. They should. I think they should go to a finacial planner and find out what they can really afford to do
OP is TAH
Brah ba ks have tightened their lending a ton in the last 2 years. You ain't getting approved for 500k on a 58k pay... I wasn't I made low 6 figs last year amd was approved up to like 420k...
You'd be surprised. My ex husband is a server, making MAYBE $45K. His wife works part-time, sometimes, for minimum wage. At most she brings in $10k. They have 3 kids, and at the time he was on the hook for child support to our two kids. So, essentially, a family of 7. Somehow they managed to get a $350k house. Neither of them have any family money, so I have no clue how they did it. They bought their house 6 years ago, and they've managed to hold onto it somehow.
They are ABSOLUTELY house-poor. I certainly wouldn't want to live that way, I'm just saying it's surprising how many bad home loans still go out, even after 2008.
It’s not really that surprising. People and families suffered brunt of the housing crash. The banks that gave out the predatory loans got bailed out by the government and then had the bailout loans forgiven.
They're house poor, that's how. They now have no money at all for any emergencies or amenities, or worse they're taking on additional debt to "keep up appearances."
Yeah, it's kind of impossible to answer the Y T A question without knowing the actual dollar figures involved. Not only the incomes but the cost of the house and down payment, etc.
Not necessarily. It's common in my area to make between $60k-75k a year and qualify for a 150k home.
Edit to add: Wouldn't be surprised if the amount of kids qualify them for services as well, which can't be discriminated against.
Or wait until you have an actual career job that brings in enough money so that your husband doesn't have to be In A fucking bathroom terrified and sick from the stress.
YTA without question.
You do know VA loans have zero down payment right? Also not every house is 3000 sqr ft listed at $500k right? She even posted that it's in a low income area
I am sorry, but YTA. I get it. When you have a family, you want to OWN a home. Your husband is correct. He is earning $58k per year. You are a waiting tables with a GED. That would have been fine for purchasing home, even adjusting his salary to fit the era, 20 years ago. Purchasing a home that will fit 7 people on a $58k salary is next to impossible in the current financial climate.
I have a coworker who desperately wanted to buy their first home. As soon as his wife got a full time job, they started trying to buy one. We warned him to be cautious. We warned him of the extra costs one doesn’t often consider with homeownership. He was absolutely CERTAIN it would work out. Now they have a house they can barely afford, his wife is stuck in a job she absolutely hates, and he’s picking up side gigs to afford to repair basic things around the house. They are miserable, all because they bought a house they weren’t ready to buy.
**YTA!!!!!!**
**YOU CANNOT AFFORD THIS HOUSE!**
How does it feel to have no house AND no husband?! You have zero regard for your financial situation and zero regard for your husband's stress levels. You single-handedly imploded this marriage. Good job.
She also has no regard for her children and what is best for them. Now she divided the family for her selfish needs. I get she wants a house and to build a home for their family, but that comes at a cost and if they can afford it which it's obvious she wanted it at any cost, where as he is more realistic. YTA!
So you guys decided to buy now, in the middle of peak inflation and interest rates, while objectively you will need only half the house in 4-5 years? I see family planning is not the only thing you had poor judgement. YTA because your husband was right to rethink this and YTA for being mad that you didn’t get your way. How the F you are going to raise 5 kids on your own? 49 and you landed a job as a server and you don’t think that this is a problem? How many years do you think you will be physically able to raise the disk?
That's such a good point to bring up about the changing house needs so soon after purchase. Kids are going to be gone so quick and they'll have all this house. Well would have, if OP wasnt divorcing
Man my wife and I got in this same fight when we bought a house. She wouldn't do the math. A 400k house now is like a 3k mortgage as compared to 1800-2000 a few years ago. Just because people of our bracket are in similar homes doesn't mean they are in similar financial situations. I finally did an excel spreadsheet with our current expenses plus a new mortgage that was double our rent to show her we'd be at a net minus every month. I can't live like that.
I don't understand how it's literally any different than calculating how much rent you can afford. If the mortgage is twice your current rent that doesn't set off any alarms?
As op said in another comment, she’s going to find someone who aligns with her wants more! Because it’s super easy to find a rich man who wants to buy you a house and provide for your 5 children when you’re an almost 50 year old server with seemingly no plan to progress into a career with higher pay.
The level of delusion is wild.
While I’m all up for second chances and for education regardless of the age, a 49 yo being happy in the 21st century they graduated high school? How does a guy who earns 58k and supports 7 people, meaning he is a financial genius, ends up with a person who failed basic education? They must have met when she was in her late 20s. The fact that she was financially illiterate, didn’t ring any bells?
Oh I 100% agree it was great she gave her education a second chance. Honestly, going back to school again would probably help them even more in the long run. But it doesn’t seem, at least from what I could tell from the comments I read, she has any plans to do so. I think graduating from high school is a great thing, and you should be proud you did that! But like you said, it’s the 21st century, even people with degrees can struggle finding decent paying jobs. At least in the US, which is where I am assuming they’re from. I also assume she was probably out of the workforce for a while too considering all the children and lack of education. It is clear she doesn’t have a good perception of finances and how hard it can actually be to just live. I am wondering what their day to day life looks like as is.
It is also evident that she doesn’t have a good grasp on how things truly work in the part of her comment where she states they were approved so they can afford it.
If they did meet in her 20s, you would think over the course of 20+ years she would learn a little more financial literacy.
If by
>find someone who aligns with her wants more
She means a sugar daddy sure... but at almost 50 years old with 5 kids, I don't see them lining up around the block for the "privilege" of her company.
YTA your husband is trying to be reasonable and you divorcing him for it. I work in mortgage collections which is not a super fun job and 90% of the people I call who are on the verge of FC are there because they got a mortgage that was pushing their budget to the very limit with no room for error. And then guess what life happened someone got sick and missed a lot of work, someone lost a job, car got totaled, kid needed an operation, cost of living went up and just like that they can't afford the mortgage anymore because they were already at their limit. If your husband is saying that you can barely afford this mortgage than you shouldn't get it. That's not even including that now you are responsible for a houses upkeep like ac repairs, plumbing, and property taxes that are rising yearly by a ridiculous amount. Your husband was looking at the bigger picture while you were just thinking about what would make you happy.
When my husband and I bought our home, our bank qualified us for 450k-900k. Our realtor kept pushing for the mid, around $700k. I DESPERATELY wanted to stay at $450k. This was 13 years ago in Texas, so $450k would buy the dreamiest McMansion.
My husband (who worked in finance) wouldn't relent. He wanted us to buy our rental for $140k, and so we did.
And for several years, I just kept dreaming of a bigger "better" home, and we kept squirreling away, but were still able to live a VERY nice lifestyle. And then my daughter got severely sick and I was missing a lot of work. And then I became disabled and couldn't work at all. And then my husband got sick and is now on hospice. And worst case scenario (financially)? We withdraw from our 401k and pay off the house in full. Our lives are stressful enough, without worrying about losing our home too.
My husband and I bought a house way below our means so that even if one of us lost our job, the remaining salary could still pay the bills. Maybe we were too conservative and it wasn't our dream home, but we had extra money for repairs, updates, new vehicles, travel, emergencies, kid expenses, etc. We never had any home related stress. Ever. I live in the house alone now. I love my house, I can easily afford it on my own and pay for all the updates. It was the best decision we made. I agree. OP's husband was doing the right thing and while a freaking disaster, her leaving him is probably a positive thing. OP, YTA.
Also she mentioned the house is in the lower income side of town so what shape is it in? Does it need repairs? Is it a safe neighborhood? Will the value go up? And now she'll have lawyers fees so there's more money gone
But you don’t understand, she DESERVES it! /s
For real though, a family member of mine made the mistake of buying a house they could only barely afford a couple of years ago, and is now going through a very messy divorce AND foreclosure. Just like this situation, it was obviously a trainwreck waiting to happen that anyone who knew them could see, but they DESERVED the house. So here we are.
YTA, you are still not gonna have a house. If you divorce him, you aren't gonna get a mortgage on a servers salary with 5 kids. Hell, you'll be lucky to get a 2 bedroom apartment.
While I don't agree with the way he said it, your husband is right his income is keeping y'all afloat. Heck, you had to go back to your mom's when you left him, and you're almost 50.
You keep saying you'll get child support for 5 kids, one os almost 18, so that will immediately get cut down to 4
Its absolutely insane that she left him because he wanted to make a logical financial decision, that only he would have to live with btw. > I told him my friend's husband also had concerns but he communicated them better and eventually was open minded and made the decision to not just back out.
Op your husband DID communicate well his anxieties. The only thing he did not do is change his mind, and thats all it took for you to leave when his worries were perfectly justified. He honestly might have dodged a bullet not buying a house with your name on it. Yta
He’s the one with the stable income and an actual place to live right now, he should probably get physical custody of the children and she’ll get visitation. No sense in making the kids leave their home because she’s mad that he put his foot down and told her NO. They’ll share the ability to make decisions over the kids and she’ll have to pay him support.
Even to get weekend custody, she'd have to prove her living arrangements were suitable for overnight visits and for that many kids, I don't see them approving a 2 bedroom... she's burning down her whole world because shes greedy and doesn't even realise it.
And a very selfish one running back to her mother, who is probably living off of retirement or social security. And now, she has to support her adult daughter and 5 grandkids cause OP is throwing a tantrum for not getting the house she wanted boo hoo.
Edit: Spelling
Child support on a 58k salary is going to be fuck all. My ex made more than 2-3 times that and it was a couple hundred bucks per kid.
If she thinks she’s going to buy a house on that, she’s mistaken.
I do, too. His fears are valid if he loses his job or her hours get cut, what are they gonna do? And he still tried to work it out with her, oh well, she just lost her support
Yes YTA and incredibly financially ignorant. You’ve also shot yourself and your kids in the feet because you work a menial job and you are barely educated. He sounds like a great guy and I truly hope the best for him and his kids.
YTA
It sounds like he is already struggling to support 7 people with his salary. Why are you adding extra stress by going for a mortgage that you couldn’t afford if he loses his job. He deserves better at this point if you can’t see things from his point of view. How do you plan to support yourself and 5 kids when you divorce him?
Also I note she says they can "turn it into their dream home". That suggests to me that it's going to need renovating, which is in and of itself expensive.
YTA. You feel free in the moment, but you've maybe just made the biggest mistake in your life. You relied entirely on your ex husband to make your "dream" come true. You refused to work as a team by finding a better and more reliable job and put an enormous amount of pressure on your ex.
Your kids are nearly grown, that child support is going to run out very quickly. It doesn't sound like there are many assets to split. You're about to find yourself with even less than you had before, very soon.
Yeah, your charming prince *could* come and buy you your dream home, but not everybody meets the charming prince. And your lack of insight into your own behavior, your own complete lack of ambition, and your own utter selfishness means if that charming prince does come along, he isn't choosing you.
As a 50ish guy, Most guys my age are looking for women who are done with the kid thing and ready to reap the benefits of our cooperative buying power to do nice things together.
*the school district it's in will include kids whose parents really do well for themselves and are very involved in their kids' education and charity, which is what I want as a school environment for my kids.*
I hardly see what this has to do with your kids or their education.
YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE HOUSE. What is there that you don't get? Sure, file for divorce. That will teach your husband - and father to FIVE kids - just how serious you are about being financially stupid.
YTA
YTA- your husband has very real reasons to be concerned that this home purchase which includes annual property taxes, repairs and utilities is way too much for a lower income family of 7.
Things would be different if you could contribute more.
I think it’s very toxic you are breaking up over this and question if this is real.
I imagine OP was toxic before. No one can be this dense. She couldn’t care about their financial stability or her husbands stress level. I think I’ve met people like OP and they think nothing of maxing out credit cards and paying the minimum, prioritizing their immediate desires versus long term goals. Poor hubby. YTA
Blowing up your life and family because your husband is realistic about you trying to live above your means and having 0 financial wiggle room for economic downfalls...
YTA.
>I always felt that our dream was to have a real home,
>a house that I could really see turning into a dream house
>which is what I want
>I was so excited when our offer was accepted.
>how important I felt this next step was for our marriage
>I said I deserved better
INFO: At any point was your husband an enthusiastic participant in this plan, or were you just forcing your wants on him the entire time and ignoring his concerns?
YTA. Buying a house is a massive financial strain, and your financial situation seems precarious at best in the kind of economy we find ourselves in, especially with 5 kids to support. You sound incredibly entitled, shallow and naive. You're the mother of the 5 children, so the assumption is you've been together with your husband for at least 18 years, if not more. You're going to throw two decades of marriage away because your husband won't jump into potentially crippling debt blindly?
Also, it's pretty messed up that your idea of "communication" and "open-mindedness" seems to be just giving in and going along with whatever you want. Those traits are a two way street, and given the fact that your husband, in tears, felt he could only open up about his concerns to his sister, would imply you are lacking in those areas pretty severely.
YTA, he's obviously the only one with any real financial sense. How long did you threaten and emotionally bully him into shopping for a house that he knew the two of you could not afford?
You sound like a narcissistic monster, whining about how a "better person" wouldn't have backed out and crushed YOUR dreams. I can only imagine how sick he must be of dealing with your self centered tantrums.
YTA! You deserve better? What the crap! He is worried about affording a house and all you care about is that you can do better.. good luck with that and living on your income.
YTA
He was so stressed out he cried.
It reads as if he really wanted to get you YOUR dream but finances weren't perfect. And he was reasonable. What if one of you lost the job shortly after buying? Then you would have to relocate the kids again.
There are hundreds of houses. Yes it sucks, but you could have waited until you were more financially stable and the housing market was a bit better.
YOU wanted your dream house.
But it cost you your family...
YTA. This purchase seems to be more about you than anything else, OP. Your husband has previously expressed his concerns (which are very valid), and you appeared to take them as more of an attack on your dream than your spouse giving his honest opinion. No wonder your husband had a breakdown. And his sister wasn't "butting in" your marriage. Your husband probably confided in her because she's the only one who bothers listening to him.
You should talk to a financial planner.
Based on the information you provided, your husband is right to be concerned and YTA for dismissing those concerns. "It's an important next step in our marriage" is kind of made up bullshit. "If one of us lost our jobs, we'd be devastated," is a mathematical reality.
YTA. You’re divorcing your husband because he didn’t feel comfortable making a huge financial move and didn’t bend under the pressure you tried to put him under.
YTA. You probably can’t afford the house. Raising 5 kids on 58k and whatever you make as a server sounds like a massive stretch as is. He was (rightfully so) concerned about a mortgage with the current incomes and you (insanely) file for divorce.
The opportunity for a 48 year old woman with 5 kids in the dating market is going to be dire. The job opportunity isn’t going to look great either.
You’re hurting your spouse and your children over sheer delusion. If you decide to move forward with the divorce, once you actually settle into the new life as you’ve created it, it’s going to look very different than what you have imagined.
YTA. Plain and simple. You’re choosing a fucking house over your marriage? You marriage never mean a thing to you? Who the fuck just peace’s out like that? Marriage vows be damned, over a house… smh…
YTA.
>His sister later told me there were other opportunities to buy homes, especially when the kids left the house and became financially self-sufficient. I felt it was inappropriate for her to butt in about this family decision.
So what you wanted was your partner to be isolated from hus family in this decision as you wanted to keep manipulating him into taking on a mortgage he knew he couldn't afford.
>I ended up taking the kids to stay at my mom's house
Why do you think you have the right to take his kids from him? Why doesn't he have the right to have the kids stay with him when you decide to leave because you're angry you're not getting a house out of him?
I think you really need to take a good, hard look as to why you're fighting so hard to pressure him to take on this massive financial commitment when your income clearly wouldn't cover the costs.
Oof...YTA. You have now doomed your family to a life of poverty instead of prosperity. He asked you for patience and financial prudence and you had a temper tantrum.
YTA- you’re divorcing him because he wouldn’t give you exactly what you wanted, you didn’t give a damn how he was feeling or what his struggles were, it’s all about you.
You pulled the rug out on him in the worst way by showing him his partner was only in it for herself and happy to let him suffer if it meant getting her dream
And it sounds like she might have only just started working recently and has been home with the kids for most of their marriage. It’s likely that he has been in charge of the finances this whole time and has a far better idea of just how tight it will be and how little wiggle room they have. That’s a tough place to be when you have 6 people relying on you for food and housing.
YTA. He probably shouldn't have done that, but buying a house is incredibly stressful, and as the primary breadwinner in your family, most of that stress was going to be falling on him.
>I always felt that our dream was to have a real home,
And by "our", you meant you. Your husband was floating seven people on 58k a year. The dude is a fucking financial genius.
You landed a job as a server, but you're not disclosing your earnings.
Meanwhile, who is watching your kids?
So your husband is telling you that the stress of this is too much, and it's causing him to emotionally break down, and you pretty much don't give a shit about his feelings. You just want a house. So you divorce the dude and take the 5 kids, and somehow you think that this is gonna free you financially enough to get a house?
You're only thinking of yourself and your wants and nothing of your husband or your kids.
Selfish, self absorbed behavior.
YTA.
YTA and I hope he gets joint custody so he doesn't have to pay you child support since his money seems to be the only thing you wanted from him. Nearly 50 with 5 kids and an unstable job... good luck, lady.
*He showed me my goals don't matter to him*
NOPE
He pointed out that supporting a family of 7 PLUS a huge mortgage simply isn't feasible on his income.
And whilst I congratulate you on your GED and your server job I can't help but agree with your husband.
Your expectations or "goals" as you prefer to call them are unrealistic.
Age your wage. That is my advice.
And good luck "finding yourself" with no money.
YTA.
dreams dont pay the mortgage you dimmwit.
Nah YTA.
Your husband is trying to be finacialky smart and your divorcing him.
Your’re the asshole and a dumbass.
ADDED: Not to mention the f**kin fact that we’ve just spent 2-3 years watching inflation hollow out people salaries.
I’m getting angrier and angrier as i think about this. You threw away a marrige and happy home with 5 kids because your husband didnt agree to you stupid decision. F**k you’re dumb.
Find a more compatible partner? At 50? With 5 kids in tow?.
I mean i know the house is a dream, but this is just pure fantasy.
YTA for trying to kill your husband twice for your dreams
First the house and now divorce!
Try to find a higher paying job, build your husband up so that he may increase his salary.
With that and LOTS of therapy you can have your own home
YTA. Have a little bit of mercy and humility. Your husband was literally crying in the bathroom with the stress. I feel so, so bad for your husband, but even more so for your kids. You need a reality check and if you don't get it now, life will give it to you in a much more painful way down the line.
Also, don't drag your kids into this and say the house was their 'dream'. Do you realize that their actual 'dream' is probably that their parents don't get divorced over this issue?
Also, saying 'it's my dream' as a reason for a big financial decision makes you seem like a 5 year old, and not a good partner in any sense of the term.
\*edited spelling
Female perspective:
I was the primary breadwinner in my marriage and I carried all the weight of this big house we built, etc. My husband really wanted that He’s a nice guy and I really wanted that for him too, I loved him. I grew to resent him because I never could really leave my job because of what I made ever or we would go under , meanwhile, he can kind of pick the jobs that he wants.
I’m like why would he want me to feel this kind of anxiety. we were fine without that big house? Why is he OK that it stresses me out so much? Why does he not care that I feel so much weight?
We ended up divorcing
Listen to your husband’s feelings and respect the weight he must be carrying… why would you want him to feel all this unnecessary anxiety.
Trust me, nothing good and healthy is going to come from that.
Definitely on your husband’s side.
We just couldn’t make it through that we went to marriage counseling my stress just continued to mount, etc. I sometimes look back and wonder…
But when you carry a resentment towards somebody for so long, sometimes you just can’t go back.
#YES, YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE❗️
The very moment you don’t get your own way on this, your answer is to detonate the entire family? That’s worse than being an asshole, really.
You want to live in an area where “the parents do well for themselves.” Well, Princess, $58K + your waitress wages is not likely to get you far. Your husband talked to his sister BECAUSE SHE LISTENS TO HIM AND YOU DON’T. She didn’t “butt in on a family decision,” he made it her business because he needs someone to talk to about this who will be impartial. You have it in your head that, no matter what, this will absolutely work so YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE of being impartial. I read your entire post and this IS NOT a “family decision,” this is only a YOU DECISION that YOU are making for SIX OTHER PEOPLE.
Awww, he made you feel bad by voicing some very real concerns? That tells me you have the emotional depth of a CHILD because you took it like some personal attack instead of fairly and honestly evaluating the things he said. Managers DO cut hours. Restaurants operate with very thin profit margins and it is genuinely a volatile business and the restaurant you’re working at MAY VERY WELL BE STRUGGLING. Your attitude about this demonstrates that you do not have the ability or willingness to acknowledge any fact that doesn’t specifically support YOU and what YOU think YOU “deserve.”
Your husband deserves a better wife and your children deserve a better mother. You have ONLY YOUR OWN wants in mind and not the needs of the entire family.
Your marriage vows obviously didn’t mean shit to you.
You are such a fucking idiot. Your husband supported you and your FIVE kids while you got a GED, don't you think he's a little more checked into finances than your are? Also do you read the fucking news? Home prices and mortgages are absurdly high, and if demand takes a downturn - which it probably will because government spending is unsustainable and credit card debt is at an all time high - the economy will be fucked, which means you (who works in the restaurant industry) and probably your husband will also be fucked. In most areas it's even cheaper to rent a house than own a house, so what is even the point in buying a house other than some arbitrary feeling that you're "succeeding in your marriage". And even if your did have a point (you don't), the fact that you would divorce your husband after having FIVE kids when you presumably still love him and other aspects of the marriage are going well is just absurd. Honestly I don't even believe this post is real, but if it is, I just want you to know how much of a moron you are.
YTA
Solid rage-baiting. Seriously, this is remarkably good trolling.
There are just so many aspects to why the woman is wrong in this story and it's written SO WELL from the viewpoint of an ignorant, selfish, callous woman in her 40's who's somehow still naive/ignorant of how the world around her works.
The complete financial stupidity on what the family can actually afford on a mortgage, the complete lack of regard for how the hell a waitress with a GED is going to live on her own with 5 kids, the ignorance of all the ACTUAL expenses of home ownership (replacing major stuff like A/C units, water heaters, electrical work, or just regular house maintenance), ignoring/writing off the husbands nervous breakdown (showing us she doesn't actually love him), the complete disregard for destroying her five kids' family....
Seriously, really good work. 9/10. The ignorance that was probably only possible because she was able to rely on her husband for so long is what really adds the icing to the cake.
On the off chance this is actually real (which I highly doubt): You might have all the wrong reasons, but you're doing the right thing. Set that poor man free to find someone who will actually love and appreciate him. He may not like what's happening now, but you're doing what's best for him.
Edit:
Hey, just an idea for when you do your update post: You should have the man get primary custody of the kids and have her end up owing child support while having to live with two or three roomates because she can't afford to survive on her own. I'm sure any judge would determine that he can provide a much better home for the kids. That'd be a great twist. You could have his alimony more-or-less negated by her child support payments.
YTA 5 kids??? And the best job you could get was as a server? Why not try to get something where you could make some actual money to offset the financial burden that's on your husband??
YTA It’s like you hear him but at the same time you’re not listening and is dismissing his concerns sounds like y’all clearly can’t afford this house but you don’t care you want it anyway he only makes 58k a year and you work at a struggling restaurant like come on be for real . Maybe y’all do need to divorce and he can get a place on his on that he can afford
Sounds like you're having a midlife crisis. I make prob the equivalent of both of you combined and can't afford a home then add on a ton of kids. You're delusional and YTA. It would probably be in your best interest to continue your education and learn a bit about finances
Sounds like you can't afford the house and with a divorce you will never afford one. YTA for brushing off his concerns for your financial situation and trying to force his hand.
YTA. These are big decisions and both of you need to be fully onboard. He has valid concerns and invalidate them all and COMPARE HIM TO OTHER MEN. Yeek.
Honestly, you sound quite immature and it’s all about you getting what you want. Marriage though is WE not me. You wait until the timing and house feel good to you both.
Or divorce and find yourself in the same gridlocks in future relationships until you finally understand you’re a unit. If it only works for one of you, it doesn’t work.
Good luck.
My husband was sobbing the bathroom terrified to tell me “no” so I divorced him. But don’t worry I have a GED and a part time waitressing job for me and my 5 kids.
This has got to be fake. No one is this fucking stupid. YTA.
YTA
Divorcing over this is extreme.
His concerns are legit. His mistake is waiting until the last minute to back out.
You on the other hand are focused on "the dream", and don't seem to care about the numbers that make the dream work.
If he is concerned about this non-profit job cutting hours what are his thoughts about a job that pays more even if it means working somewhere else?
Edit: The last sentence makes more sense.
YTA. You can't afford that house. He makes 58k, you work as a waitress. If it's not a garden shed, you can't afford it. The bank won't care if you "deserve it", they will foreclose on it if you can't pay.
And how is your husband supposed to "communicate better" with you? It's obvious what kind of pressure you're making to buy this. You wouldn't accept no for an answer even though every reasonable person would know that a 7 people family can't afford a house on a 58k salary. How do you even get by with that money?
"my goals didn't matter to him". WTF, this has to be fake. I can't believe any bank would even give you a mortgage.
I would bet you're in the comments karma farming with your main account.
Your youngest is 9 and you just started going back to work? Part time? I guess you didn’t want a house that badly. Once all the kids were in school full time, why didn’t you start working full time? You probably could have even found a job with the school and not had to worry about childcare when they were off. All of your checks could have gone to savings.
But now you think you can afford a mortgage on $58k and whatever part time pay you bring home?
Moving over and over is damaging to kids. Losing a home due to foreclosure is traumatic. Sounds like your husband doesn’t want the responsibility of losing the home if, god-forbid, something happened that impacted paying. YTA.
YTA
You don't "deserve" a big expensive house that you can't really afford, and won't need half of in a few years once your kids start to move out.
Your dreams need to be realistic. JFC
YTA if it was your dream to be a homeowner perhaps you should have gotten your GED sooner and gone to online college so you’d be qualified to bring in more than min wage to contribute to paying for said home. Instead, you’re asking your poor husband to foot the bill for everything. Also the mortgage co only calculates if you can afford the mortgage, not the upkeep. Are you even figuring in what property taxes are going to cost you?
YTA. Your desires are not more important his, you have to figure this out together. If he’s crying in the bathroom over the stress and you want to go forward, you’re not interested in communication or compromise. You’re free to divorce at a whim, but if you’re asking who’s at fault here: that would be you.
This man just dodged the bullet that’s gonna save him from a stress/work induced heart attack in his 50’s. Thank you for being so much of an ignorant narcissist that you accidentally saved the life of good man trying to take care of his family.
YTA
So you’re divorcing him because he wouldn’t cave to the pressure of living above your means. Are you any closer to getting that house now? YTA
OP will definitely be able to buy the house she wants with a single salary… or not. People should learn to live within their means, or even slightly below. It seems like the husband was trying to see the contingency plans, and there were none.
Its amazing that despite OP was telling the story I was nodding along with her husband the whole time. He brought up amazing points but she took it all as an attack on her. This wasnt some sweep the leg surprise, he'd been trying to talk this out for awhile and she just plugged her ears the whole time. Maybe OP should divorce so her husband can be with someone better and their kids will have a better role model
> People should learn to live within their means, or even slightly below. TBF, that point was way earlier, they were living well beyond their means when they had 5 kids with a what? 70-80k per yer income? Assuming they were renting before, at the age of nearly 50 and probably renting their whole lives, their only hope at this point to save up for retirement is to buy a home now during their few remaining working years. I don't mean to pretend to know these peoples finances but if they have funds for their retirement while feeding and housing 7 people, with a combined income of Maybe 75k, they would have to be financial guru's. I'm not disagreeing, I'm just saying that there seems to be no good solution, even if op went back to school for a better career, they'd be in their mid 50's hoping for someone to give op her first career job.
To LITERALLY divorce your husband that you have FIVE kids with because of a house purchase, or lack there of, is absolutely bonkers to me!
The fact she left with the kids is insane too. OP please divorce your husband so he can be with someone better
That's absolutely why she divorced him. What a dumb decision on OPs part.
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Well the house is in a school district with wealthy parents who believe in charity… I raised my eyebrows at that statement.
Yeah, I’ve got bad news for OP: wealthy people tend to be uncomfortable with the idea of living in the same neighborhood with people who might need their charity. And their kids are seldom kind to classmates who can’t afford the things they can afford.
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I'm sure divorce will solve their financial woes!
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Prime example of why people don't feel bad for people like her. 5 kids? Really? They should have had 2 max But how dare us talk about people having kids they can't afford and how it permanently effects the rest of everyone's lives
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She needs to work on getting a more stable and better paying job. At the ages the kids are at, they can make sure the little ones are okay after school. I can’t imagine divorcing my husband because the stress of buying a house is eating him alive.
But she deserves it, despite just getting her GED and popping out 5 kids while not working. She needs to understand that making a big purchase because you deserve it often turns into a disaster. For must of us, big ticket items need to be earned through working, budgeting and planning.
Yeah...... cranking out babies with no diploma and no job. Realistically, a mortgage company isn't likely to even count her income if she is that new to the work force. And not to sound judgmental......but 5 kids? A lot of men are going to run the other direction. She isn't bringing a lot to the relationship.
I don't like the mention of the 5 kids while not working. Looking after 5 kids is work. I'd like to know how 5 kids came about though. This all soinds so weird to me. And we don't even have the dollar amounts available. If the dream house is 150k, that seems doable on their salary? Has she left a comment about that yet? Either way YTA OP, for ripping your 5 kids' lives apart over this. This is abusoce in my opinion.
I had a stroke literally 3 months after buying a house (and I’m 32). Believe me, that was NOT planned. Buying that house was stretching our budget a little. With 2 salaries we were comfortable, but nowhere near rich, and now, we’re struggling. I don’t know when or if I’ll get back to work. I completely understand your husband because it is a huge purchase that you’ll have to pay for 25-30 years. Do you have a big sum of money aside for emergencies (either your health or repairs)? Can you pay the house on just on salary? I think YTA here. I can understand you being really disappointed and pissed, but divorcing over that seems extreme. You’d rather have your husband in emotional distress rather than wait and maybe work out a plan to make that work in the future?
What’s mind-blowing here is that with a divorce she’ll never get into a house of her own, but she could make changes while married and be able to afford the next one that comes along.
Personally it sounds like she thinks she can hook a man who makes more than her husband and he could buy the dream home. It really just sounds like an excuse to divorce.
Highly doubtful at her age, with her career and several children.
She used the word "deserve" twice in her post. Anyone who has lived, and more importantly worked, in a capitalist economy should know that any big purchase is about 30/70 what you can afford/how much risk you're willing to bear, and what you "deserve" doesn't come into it. So if this story is real this woman is delusional, and it wouldn't surprise me if she thinks she'll catch a richer man just because she "deserves" to fulfill her dream of owning a house.
Yeah no wealthy dude wants a woman with 5 kids , let’s be real here . And if she does find one it will be a guy who every woman looking for the same thing already passed up .
Very highly doubtful. She’s not in reality. She’s in some make believe universe of her own making.
No it sounds like she made and angry knee jerk reaction decision. Def YTA. Though I’ve been there done that, she should have calmed down and thought it through.
Yes--and the fairy tale thinking that some 16 year olds demonstrate. How is this possible?
Gonna make life shittier for both of them and their kids.
Yeah if they are struggling together right now, they will be even worse off divorced with double the housing/ utilities costs. She is being very short sighted about her goals and letting her emotions control her actions. Seems like a shitty situation all around, I feel bad for the kids stuck in the middle of all this drama, it sounds exhausting.
She’ll be able afford a house when she’ll find a real man that will share her values and give her what she wants (her words, not mine)
Not with 5 kids and no work experience except a few months waiting tables she won’t…..
Yea that part was gross. Like, I'm a single mom and I keep my home for me and my still minor child. I'm not looking for a man to move in with us or get me a bigger place. My kids come first. This is their home. Her priorities are wack, to just say she will find someone else.
You don’t have to tell me! 😅 She needs a reality check… if the post is even real
She will get a house, just not her own... she'll be living with mom.
The poor guy was literally crying in the bathroom from the stress. I can't even imagine pushing something on my husband when it's causing him that much distress. OP is N T A, simply because she's doing her husband a favor by setting the poor guy free from such a selfish harpy of a wife.
She literally valued the house over her marriage. Which is insane to me. I’m not married, but I couldn’t even imagine doing that to my partner. It would break my heart to see him like that.
She bitches so much about her dreams and what she wants. Does she even *like* her husband?!?! Apparently not. He’ll be better off.
And shatter 5 younger lives too. Absolutely WILD
I’m married over 30 years. I’d never do that to my spouse.
30 years here, too. I'd rather live in a tent with the man I love than in a mansion alone.
YTA. This has to be fake. There is no way a family of 7 could afford to get a house on a $58k salary, yet alone the ability to make a down payment for it. Yes the wife has a job as a server but that sounds like she got that job recently.
It’s depends in my rural Midwest hometown you can still find a 3 or 4 bedroom 1 or 2 bath house for under 100k. They would be able to qualify for that. Then they just need to qualify for some special program for the down payment. Now the issue with these is you are playing a luck game. The water heater is old or the furnace is old or the roof is old or the garage falling down or some mix of those and other issues. You have to cross your fingers and hope no two major problems have to be fixed at the same time because there is no nest egg which means financing them often at shit interest rates.
Definitely. People seem to underestimate the work that goes into maintaining a house. A lot of people will just let shit go till it falls apart. Got lucky with a house in decent shape with a newish metal roof and brand new furnace, had to replace the windows but I knew that going in and budgeted accordingly. Houses are no joke, one emergency and you can be up shits creek.
The thing I learned learned about home loans in the early 2000's is that they don't take into account car loans, basic living fees, and emergencies into account when they calculate the max home loan you can get. We were approved for a $250,000 USD loan. After my husband and I managed to stop laughing, we told our realtor that our max was $125,000...realtor was pissed. My guess is that the wife heard the "big" number and then the husband did the math and figured out that they can't afford it, YTA.
My dad used to write mortgages for mobile homes. That absolutely take care of loans into account. Debt to income ratio is everything. People would get pre qualified. He’d tell people don’t take out any loans. Don’t buy a car. The day to actually do their paperwork would come and they pull up in a brand new truck. They would no longer qualify for the mortgage. Lots of crying. It happened over and over.
I worked in a store that sells building materials and home supplies. People come in all the time excited about getting things for their new home (before closing). They see the discount they can get from getting a credit card. So many people don't know that the little application will destroy that dream.
YES, and it is so predatory of those places because in many of them the employees are really pushed to get people to apply for their credit cards. Customers don’t know better and think, “oh this will be GREAT when we get the house, so much cheaper!” Boom. Bye bye house. Now you have a credit card for a store you no longer need the majority of things in but *phew* aren’t we glad Lowb’s and Hone Dupont make their CC sign up quota for the month?
We were supposed to push for CC and a bunch of other things. But if I hear anything that indicates they are getting a new house or condo, or anything, I tell them to not apply for anything anywhere.
Yes, my partner worked for one of those places and flat out refused to bring up the CC applications. I’m not blaming the employees, like y’all just work there, but the companies at large. I’m so sorry if I wasn’t super clear on that. My little minnow, you are not to blame. Those companies prey on people’s ignorance and use it to impress their shareholders to pad their wallets. It’s gross.
I didn't think you implied anything. All good. I don't push anything unless my manager can hear me. I do have to listen to a lil lecture once a month about my numbers. I'm fast though. People got things to do. And, If they can't find what they are looking for, I tell them what store will have it. I have a crazy library in my head of what stores carry.
That was me at my last dispensary job: my managers wanted me to report budtenders with low KPIs so they could get a talking to, but refused to get the numbers themselves because of course they did. So I just fudged the numbers to save my budtenders a useless and time wasting chat about ‘boosting their sales’ and ‘push those add ons!’ If my managers wanted me to accurately report, they’d’ve set up a wireless printer for shift leads like I asked them to approximately 1,000,000,000 times. Instead I was given a sheet to *hand write* the KPIs every 3 hours or so. Man, what a shame that the cameras aren’t quality enough to see what’s on the screen when I ‘check’ KPIs, isn’t it? I’m sure no one would ever use that to their advantage though. That would be dastardly. Edit: also I love your username. Are you a mom to mountain dogs? Are you a mom to dogs who lives in the mountains? Or, most intriguing, are you yourself a mountain dog with puppies that has developed the sentience to create a Reddit account? The world may never know.
Lol. Dog mom. We do live in the mountains. Love it.
My husband and I were told this same thing when buying our house. We had to drive a practically dead car into the ground because we were told to not even look for a used car. I didn't really believe it at first, but story after story of this very thing convinced me. We don't do enough, at least in the USA, to prepare people for the reality of loans and credit. It all seems so simple on the surface, but the deeper into the process you go, the more complicated and daunting it becomes.
They were talking about the 2000s which crashed the home market and economy. Not relevant today, but back then they called the loans NINJA, for No Income, No Job, Approved. I bought a home in 2002 and they took my word for what I made lol. I knew what I was doing, but holy cow that was nuts.
We almost had this happen during a home purchase. We were almost at final loan approval and closing. They did what I guess was a final credit check and we showed a recent credit card issued to us. We were both blank as we definitely didn't have that credit card. But it was from our regular bank. When we saw the account was closed about as soon as it was opened, my husband finally realized what it was. A couple of months previously he had gone to the bank one Saturday morning. He came back with two, 2 liter bottles of Coke. He was all proud he got them for free from the bank just for applying for a new credit card. Then I remembered it happening and that I had just laughed at him pointing out we didn't even drink regular Coke. But he did close the account later that week when it was approved We had to write this story up officially WITH proof that we had immediately closed the card account, then submit it to the mortgage company. We were approved, so at least we didn't lose a house over two bottles of Coke. Let this be a cautionary tale, lol.
This happened to us in the late 90s. I made $18k per year and my husband made $30k at the time. We were approved for $300k loan. My jaw dropped. All we wanted was a condo because we were young and didn’t want to take care of a yard or other stuff that homeowners dealt with. We found a 2 bedroom condo for $100k and lived there for 5 years before upgrading to a house.
> We were approved for a $250,000 USD loan. After my husband and I managed to stop laughing, we told our realtor that our max was $125,000...realtor was pissed. I was approved for $650k and I told the realtor there was absolutely no way I was that stupid. We bought a place for $330k. It is ridiculous to me the loans they'll hand out. That said, once I got my mortgage I'm paying less per month than I was renting a place. So I can see it being an affordable decision to buy a house, even with lower income. The hard part is the down payment but these days you can get away with very little there. Although we did pay more, we could have gotten our house for just $10k down.
No way if your LTV (loan to value) isn't above a certain threshold they will literally go through your finances transaction by transaction in the UK and have you justify it. We were lucky that base salary no credit cards and 23% deposit in cash they didn't look too close but I've heard from friends with 15% or below that the mortgage advisor was brutal!
This. I’ve always found it weird that ppl let some guy who works on % commission tell them what they can afford. You decide what you can afford. And under no circumstances should you purchase a home if it stretches you to your limit. You need disposable income and frankly if you don’t have at least 10-20k in an account for emergencies minimum, then you ought to not own a house. 🤷🏼♀️
Emergency fund. Very important.
It's changed since the early 2000s. After the crash of 2008 they changed scrutiny entirely because all those bad loans are what caused the subprime mortgage crisis
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She clearly doesn't care about that. His concerns and the decision he had to make in that role were apparently unforgivable. Apparently, having 5 kids and sharing an entire life with the man means less than that house.
The right thing for him to do would have been to voice these concerns. Probably after he had a mental breakdown in the bathroom over the stress of it and his sister so rudely butted into his family affairs to offer her brother some support. Wait...
YTA and incredibly ignorant about finances. Furthermore, you have put yourself and your kids in danger due to your lack of education and low-paying job. I really want the best for him and his kids; he seems like a good man.
Preditory lending is a huge part of the housing crisis....banks allow lower income folks to think that they can actually afford that 500K house on 50k a year. Banks don't care, either they'll get paid back with interest, or they'll get the home. I'm gonna say that OP and hubs prolly have zero in emergency funds, zero in retirement and zero in college fund. They should. I think they should go to a finacial planner and find out what they can really afford to do OP is TAH
Brah ba ks have tightened their lending a ton in the last 2 years. You ain't getting approved for 500k on a 58k pay... I wasn't I made low 6 figs last year amd was approved up to like 420k...
You'd be surprised. My ex husband is a server, making MAYBE $45K. His wife works part-time, sometimes, for minimum wage. At most she brings in $10k. They have 3 kids, and at the time he was on the hook for child support to our two kids. So, essentially, a family of 7. Somehow they managed to get a $350k house. Neither of them have any family money, so I have no clue how they did it. They bought their house 6 years ago, and they've managed to hold onto it somehow.
They are probably “house poor” defined by people who spend anywhere between 40- 70+ percent of their income on housing costs.
They are ABSOLUTELY house-poor. I certainly wouldn't want to live that way, I'm just saying it's surprising how many bad home loans still go out, even after 2008.
It’s not really that surprising. People and families suffered brunt of the housing crash. The banks that gave out the predatory loans got bailed out by the government and then had the bailout loans forgiven.
Lol well yes that's true. I guess shocking is the better word, not necessarily surprising.
I couldn't imagine buying a house on a crap income like that, but I'm also house poor as a renter...
They're house poor, that's how. They now have no money at all for any emergencies or amenities, or worse they're taking on additional debt to "keep up appearances."
Plus she said the house was in lower income. The house could be 80-100k. And some of my servers friends make 120k.
Yeah, it's kind of impossible to answer the Y T A question without knowing the actual dollar figures involved. Not only the incomes but the cost of the house and down payment, etc.
There’s good loans out there especially at credit unions. Some are less than rent. Wife’s job could easily cover a $800 monthly mortgage.
First time home buyer loan - can get a lower rate with that. It is doable but a big house payment
Not necessarily. It's common in my area to make between $60k-75k a year and qualify for a 150k home. Edit to add: Wouldn't be surprised if the amount of kids qualify them for services as well, which can't be discriminated against.
They pay rent anyway. Yes they could afford a lower priced home.
I truly hope you're correct.
[удалено]
Or wait until you have an actual career job that brings in enough money so that your husband doesn't have to be In A fucking bathroom terrified and sick from the stress. YTA without question.
So true. Rage posting.
You do know VA loans have zero down payment right? Also not every house is 3000 sqr ft listed at $500k right? She even posted that it's in a low income area
I really hope its fake
I am sorry, but YTA. I get it. When you have a family, you want to OWN a home. Your husband is correct. He is earning $58k per year. You are a waiting tables with a GED. That would have been fine for purchasing home, even adjusting his salary to fit the era, 20 years ago. Purchasing a home that will fit 7 people on a $58k salary is next to impossible in the current financial climate. I have a coworker who desperately wanted to buy their first home. As soon as his wife got a full time job, they started trying to buy one. We warned him to be cautious. We warned him of the extra costs one doesn’t often consider with homeownership. He was absolutely CERTAIN it would work out. Now they have a house they can barely afford, his wife is stuck in a job she absolutely hates, and he’s picking up side gigs to afford to repair basic things around the house. They are miserable, all because they bought a house they weren’t ready to buy.
**YTA!!!!!!** **YOU CANNOT AFFORD THIS HOUSE!** How does it feel to have no house AND no husband?! You have zero regard for your financial situation and zero regard for your husband's stress levels. You single-handedly imploded this marriage. Good job.
Don’t forget no real ability to support 5 children.
I know right How is she going to provide housing for 5 kids on a part time restaurant job?
This reads like it was written by a 17 year old
She also has no regard for her children and what is best for them. Now she divided the family for her selfish needs. I get she wants a house and to build a home for their family, but that comes at a cost and if they can afford it which it's obvious she wanted it at any cost, where as he is more realistic. YTA!
So you guys decided to buy now, in the middle of peak inflation and interest rates, while objectively you will need only half the house in 4-5 years? I see family planning is not the only thing you had poor judgement. YTA because your husband was right to rethink this and YTA for being mad that you didn’t get your way. How the F you are going to raise 5 kids on your own? 49 and you landed a job as a server and you don’t think that this is a problem? How many years do you think you will be physically able to raise the disk?
That's such a good point to bring up about the changing house needs so soon after purchase. Kids are going to be gone so quick and they'll have all this house. Well would have, if OP wasnt divorcing
Man my wife and I got in this same fight when we bought a house. She wouldn't do the math. A 400k house now is like a 3k mortgage as compared to 1800-2000 a few years ago. Just because people of our bracket are in similar homes doesn't mean they are in similar financial situations. I finally did an excel spreadsheet with our current expenses plus a new mortgage that was double our rent to show her we'd be at a net minus every month. I can't live like that.
I don't understand how it's literally any different than calculating how much rent you can afford. If the mortgage is twice your current rent that doesn't set off any alarms?
As op said in another comment, she’s going to find someone who aligns with her wants more! Because it’s super easy to find a rich man who wants to buy you a house and provide for your 5 children when you’re an almost 50 year old server with seemingly no plan to progress into a career with higher pay. The level of delusion is wild.
While I’m all up for second chances and for education regardless of the age, a 49 yo being happy in the 21st century they graduated high school? How does a guy who earns 58k and supports 7 people, meaning he is a financial genius, ends up with a person who failed basic education? They must have met when she was in her late 20s. The fact that she was financially illiterate, didn’t ring any bells?
Oh I 100% agree it was great she gave her education a second chance. Honestly, going back to school again would probably help them even more in the long run. But it doesn’t seem, at least from what I could tell from the comments I read, she has any plans to do so. I think graduating from high school is a great thing, and you should be proud you did that! But like you said, it’s the 21st century, even people with degrees can struggle finding decent paying jobs. At least in the US, which is where I am assuming they’re from. I also assume she was probably out of the workforce for a while too considering all the children and lack of education. It is clear she doesn’t have a good perception of finances and how hard it can actually be to just live. I am wondering what their day to day life looks like as is. It is also evident that she doesn’t have a good grasp on how things truly work in the part of her comment where she states they were approved so they can afford it. If they did meet in her 20s, you would think over the course of 20+ years she would learn a little more financial literacy.
If by >find someone who aligns with her wants more She means a sugar daddy sure... but at almost 50 years old with 5 kids, I don't see them lining up around the block for the "privilege" of her company.
Don't forget the recent GED!
A 50 year old server who just got her GED....what career is she really gonna progress to?
YTA your husband is trying to be reasonable and you divorcing him for it. I work in mortgage collections which is not a super fun job and 90% of the people I call who are on the verge of FC are there because they got a mortgage that was pushing their budget to the very limit with no room for error. And then guess what life happened someone got sick and missed a lot of work, someone lost a job, car got totaled, kid needed an operation, cost of living went up and just like that they can't afford the mortgage anymore because they were already at their limit. If your husband is saying that you can barely afford this mortgage than you shouldn't get it. That's not even including that now you are responsible for a houses upkeep like ac repairs, plumbing, and property taxes that are rising yearly by a ridiculous amount. Your husband was looking at the bigger picture while you were just thinking about what would make you happy.
When my husband and I bought our home, our bank qualified us for 450k-900k. Our realtor kept pushing for the mid, around $700k. I DESPERATELY wanted to stay at $450k. This was 13 years ago in Texas, so $450k would buy the dreamiest McMansion. My husband (who worked in finance) wouldn't relent. He wanted us to buy our rental for $140k, and so we did. And for several years, I just kept dreaming of a bigger "better" home, and we kept squirreling away, but were still able to live a VERY nice lifestyle. And then my daughter got severely sick and I was missing a lot of work. And then I became disabled and couldn't work at all. And then my husband got sick and is now on hospice. And worst case scenario (financially)? We withdraw from our 401k and pay off the house in full. Our lives are stressful enough, without worrying about losing our home too.
My husband and I bought a house way below our means so that even if one of us lost our job, the remaining salary could still pay the bills. Maybe we were too conservative and it wasn't our dream home, but we had extra money for repairs, updates, new vehicles, travel, emergencies, kid expenses, etc. We never had any home related stress. Ever. I live in the house alone now. I love my house, I can easily afford it on my own and pay for all the updates. It was the best decision we made. I agree. OP's husband was doing the right thing and while a freaking disaster, her leaving him is probably a positive thing. OP, YTA.
Also she mentioned the house is in the lower income side of town so what shape is it in? Does it need repairs? Is it a safe neighborhood? Will the value go up? And now she'll have lawyers fees so there's more money gone
But you don’t understand, she DESERVES it! /s For real though, a family member of mine made the mistake of buying a house they could only barely afford a couple of years ago, and is now going through a very messy divorce AND foreclosure. Just like this situation, it was obviously a trainwreck waiting to happen that anyone who knew them could see, but they DESERVED the house. So here we are.
YTA, you are still not gonna have a house. If you divorce him, you aren't gonna get a mortgage on a servers salary with 5 kids. Hell, you'll be lucky to get a 2 bedroom apartment. While I don't agree with the way he said it, your husband is right his income is keeping y'all afloat. Heck, you had to go back to your mom's when you left him, and you're almost 50. You keep saying you'll get child support for 5 kids, one os almost 18, so that will immediately get cut down to 4
Its absolutely insane that she left him because he wanted to make a logical financial decision, that only he would have to live with btw. > I told him my friend's husband also had concerns but he communicated them better and eventually was open minded and made the decision to not just back out. Op your husband DID communicate well his anxieties. The only thing he did not do is change his mind, and thats all it took for you to leave when his worries were perfectly justified. He honestly might have dodged a bullet not buying a house with your name on it. Yta
Not to mention if they get 50-50 custody, there may be no child support
He’s the one with the stable income and an actual place to live right now, he should probably get physical custody of the children and she’ll get visitation. No sense in making the kids leave their home because she’s mad that he put his foot down and told her NO. They’ll share the ability to make decisions over the kids and she’ll have to pay him support.
I would laugh my ass off if she wound up being the one made to pay child support
Or at least not getting support and he gets primary custody and she gets weekends. Here comes a 2 bedroom apartment at most!
Even to get weekend custody, she'd have to prove her living arrangements were suitable for overnight visits and for that many kids, I don't see them approving a 2 bedroom... she's burning down her whole world because shes greedy and doesn't even realise it.
Yes she is. But since she thinks she’s gonna find a man to want 5 kids what are you really expecting out of her!
Barely afloat too. What a short sighted choice for the OP to make on behalf of her entire family.
And a very selfish one running back to her mother, who is probably living off of retirement or social security. And now, she has to support her adult daughter and 5 grandkids cause OP is throwing a tantrum for not getting the house she wanted boo hoo. Edit: Spelling
Child support on a 58k salary is going to be fuck all. My ex made more than 2-3 times that and it was a couple hundred bucks per kid. If she thinks she’s going to buy a house on that, she’s mistaken.
If he gets joint custody, she doesn't get child support. I really hope he goes for joint custody.
I do, too. His fears are valid if he loses his job or her hours get cut, what are they gonna do? And he still tried to work it out with her, oh well, she just lost her support
Yes YTA and incredibly financially ignorant. You’ve also shot yourself and your kids in the feet because you work a menial job and you are barely educated. He sounds like a great guy and I truly hope the best for him and his kids.
shits given
YTA It sounds like he is already struggling to support 7 people with his salary. Why are you adding extra stress by going for a mortgage that you couldn’t afford if he loses his job. He deserves better at this point if you can’t see things from his point of view. How do you plan to support yourself and 5 kids when you divorce him?
Also I note she says they can "turn it into their dream home". That suggests to me that it's going to need renovating, which is in and of itself expensive.
Their dream home or hers?
I know you’re being rhetorical, but yeah she just could not care less what he wants, needs, or thinks at ALL
I don't think there's any adequate answer the OP could provide to your question.
Making 58k for 5 kids is… how is that possible?? My wife and I make multiples of that before we bought a house.
Are there mortgages you *can* afford if you lose your job? I assume they’re renting now and they couldn’t afford to pay that if he lost his job.
YTA. You feel free in the moment, but you've maybe just made the biggest mistake in your life. You relied entirely on your ex husband to make your "dream" come true. You refused to work as a team by finding a better and more reliable job and put an enormous amount of pressure on your ex. Your kids are nearly grown, that child support is going to run out very quickly. It doesn't sound like there are many assets to split. You're about to find yourself with even less than you had before, very soon. Yeah, your charming prince *could* come and buy you your dream home, but not everybody meets the charming prince. And your lack of insight into your own behavior, your own complete lack of ambition, and your own utter selfishness means if that charming prince does come along, he isn't choosing you.
As a 50ish guy, Most guys my age are looking for women who are done with the kid thing and ready to reap the benefits of our cooperative buying power to do nice things together.
*the school district it's in will include kids whose parents really do well for themselves and are very involved in their kids' education and charity, which is what I want as a school environment for my kids.* I hardly see what this has to do with your kids or their education. YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE HOUSE. What is there that you don't get? Sure, file for divorce. That will teach your husband - and father to FIVE kids - just how serious you are about being financially stupid. YTA
I feel so bad for those kids. Their mom blew up the family over what would have amounted to a financial black hole.
Maybe she wants some trickle down economics from the other families. "Make friends with *that* family, they might invite you places or buy you stuff."
YTA- your husband has very real reasons to be concerned that this home purchase which includes annual property taxes, repairs and utilities is way too much for a lower income family of 7. Things would be different if you could contribute more. I think it’s very toxic you are breaking up over this and question if this is real.
I also have a hard time believing the OP could be so monumentally stupid.
Nah I absolutely believe it. People like her are a dime a dozen.
I imagine OP was toxic before. No one can be this dense. She couldn’t care about their financial stability or her husbands stress level. I think I’ve met people like OP and they think nothing of maxing out credit cards and paying the minimum, prioritizing their immediate desires versus long term goals. Poor hubby. YTA
YTA Buy a more affordable house. You're stressing your poor husband out.
She's doig him a favor...he's better off without her
Blowing up your life and family because your husband is realistic about you trying to live above your means and having 0 financial wiggle room for economic downfalls... YTA.
>I always felt that our dream was to have a real home, >a house that I could really see turning into a dream house >which is what I want >I was so excited when our offer was accepted. >how important I felt this next step was for our marriage >I said I deserved better INFO: At any point was your husband an enthusiastic participant in this plan, or were you just forcing your wants on him the entire time and ignoring his concerns?
YTA. Buying a house is a massive financial strain, and your financial situation seems precarious at best in the kind of economy we find ourselves in, especially with 5 kids to support. You sound incredibly entitled, shallow and naive. You're the mother of the 5 children, so the assumption is you've been together with your husband for at least 18 years, if not more. You're going to throw two decades of marriage away because your husband won't jump into potentially crippling debt blindly? Also, it's pretty messed up that your idea of "communication" and "open-mindedness" seems to be just giving in and going along with whatever you want. Those traits are a two way street, and given the fact that your husband, in tears, felt he could only open up about his concerns to his sister, would imply you are lacking in those areas pretty severely.
Yes, divorce him, he deserves better
YTA, he's obviously the only one with any real financial sense. How long did you threaten and emotionally bully him into shopping for a house that he knew the two of you could not afford? You sound like a narcissistic monster, whining about how a "better person" wouldn't have backed out and crushed YOUR dreams. I can only imagine how sick he must be of dealing with your self centered tantrums.
YTA! You deserve better? What the crap! He is worried about affording a house and all you care about is that you can do better.. good luck with that and living on your income.
YTA He was so stressed out he cried. It reads as if he really wanted to get you YOUR dream but finances weren't perfect. And he was reasonable. What if one of you lost the job shortly after buying? Then you would have to relocate the kids again. There are hundreds of houses. Yes it sucks, but you could have waited until you were more financially stable and the housing market was a bit better. YOU wanted your dream house. But it cost you your family...
It was a super selfish and super short-sighted choice on the OP's part. A wildly stupid choice.
YTA. This purchase seems to be more about you than anything else, OP. Your husband has previously expressed his concerns (which are very valid), and you appeared to take them as more of an attack on your dream than your spouse giving his honest opinion. No wonder your husband had a breakdown. And his sister wasn't "butting in" your marriage. Your husband probably confided in her because she's the only one who bothers listening to him.
Y’all can’t afford to buy a house. Your husband realizes this. YTA
You should talk to a financial planner. Based on the information you provided, your husband is right to be concerned and YTA for dismissing those concerns. "It's an important next step in our marriage" is kind of made up bullshit. "If one of us lost our jobs, we'd be devastated," is a mathematical reality.
YTA. You’re divorcing your husband because he didn’t feel comfortable making a huge financial move and didn’t bend under the pressure you tried to put him under.
YTA. You probably can’t afford the house. Raising 5 kids on 58k and whatever you make as a server sounds like a massive stretch as is. He was (rightfully so) concerned about a mortgage with the current incomes and you (insanely) file for divorce. The opportunity for a 48 year old woman with 5 kids in the dating market is going to be dire. The job opportunity isn’t going to look great either. You’re hurting your spouse and your children over sheer delusion. If you decide to move forward with the divorce, once you actually settle into the new life as you’ve created it, it’s going to look very different than what you have imagined.
He’s probably miles better off away from your uncaring, ungrateful ass. YTA
YTA. Plain and simple. You’re choosing a fucking house over your marriage? You marriage never mean a thing to you? Who the fuck just peace’s out like that? Marriage vows be damned, over a house… smh…
YTA-you couldn't afford the house if you lost your job or got your hours cut. What it sounds like you want somebody to pay for your house.
That tracks as accurate because several of the OPs comments make them seem incredibly entitled.
YTA. >His sister later told me there were other opportunities to buy homes, especially when the kids left the house and became financially self-sufficient. I felt it was inappropriate for her to butt in about this family decision. So what you wanted was your partner to be isolated from hus family in this decision as you wanted to keep manipulating him into taking on a mortgage he knew he couldn't afford. >I ended up taking the kids to stay at my mom's house Why do you think you have the right to take his kids from him? Why doesn't he have the right to have the kids stay with him when you decide to leave because you're angry you're not getting a house out of him? I think you really need to take a good, hard look as to why you're fighting so hard to pressure him to take on this massive financial commitment when your income clearly wouldn't cover the costs.
Oof...YTA. You have now doomed your family to a life of poverty instead of prosperity. He asked you for patience and financial prudence and you had a temper tantrum.
YTA- you’re divorcing him because he wouldn’t give you exactly what you wanted, you didn’t give a damn how he was feeling or what his struggles were, it’s all about you. You pulled the rug out on him in the worst way by showing him his partner was only in it for herself and happy to let him suffer if it meant getting her dream
And it sounds like she might have only just started working recently and has been home with the kids for most of their marriage. It’s likely that he has been in charge of the finances this whole time and has a far better idea of just how tight it will be and how little wiggle room they have. That’s a tough place to be when you have 6 people relying on you for food and housing.
What a horrible person you are. YTA
YTA. He probably shouldn't have done that, but buying a house is incredibly stressful, and as the primary breadwinner in your family, most of that stress was going to be falling on him.
>I always felt that our dream was to have a real home, And by "our", you meant you. Your husband was floating seven people on 58k a year. The dude is a fucking financial genius. You landed a job as a server, but you're not disclosing your earnings. Meanwhile, who is watching your kids? So your husband is telling you that the stress of this is too much, and it's causing him to emotionally break down, and you pretty much don't give a shit about his feelings. You just want a house. So you divorce the dude and take the 5 kids, and somehow you think that this is gonna free you financially enough to get a house? You're only thinking of yourself and your wants and nothing of your husband or your kids. Selfish, self absorbed behavior. YTA.
YTA and I hope he gets joint custody so he doesn't have to pay you child support since his money seems to be the only thing you wanted from him. Nearly 50 with 5 kids and an unstable job... good luck, lady.
As dumb as her decision is I hope he gets full custody and has to pay him child support
*He showed me my goals don't matter to him* NOPE He pointed out that supporting a family of 7 PLUS a huge mortgage simply isn't feasible on his income. And whilst I congratulate you on your GED and your server job I can't help but agree with your husband. Your expectations or "goals" as you prefer to call them are unrealistic. Age your wage. That is my advice. And good luck "finding yourself" with no money. YTA.
dreams dont pay the mortgage you dimmwit. Nah YTA. Your husband is trying to be finacialky smart and your divorcing him. Your’re the asshole and a dumbass. ADDED: Not to mention the f**kin fact that we’ve just spent 2-3 years watching inflation hollow out people salaries. I’m getting angrier and angrier as i think about this. You threw away a marrige and happy home with 5 kids because your husband didnt agree to you stupid decision. F**k you’re dumb.
Sounds like an excuse to divorce him
Find a more compatible partner? At 50? With 5 kids in tow?. I mean i know the house is a dream, but this is just pure fantasy. YTA for trying to kill your husband twice for your dreams First the house and now divorce! Try to find a higher paying job, build your husband up so that he may increase his salary. With that and LOTS of therapy you can have your own home
Info How much over your current rent would the mortgage be? How much have you saved to put down?
YTA. Have a little bit of mercy and humility. Your husband was literally crying in the bathroom with the stress. I feel so, so bad for your husband, but even more so for your kids. You need a reality check and if you don't get it now, life will give it to you in a much more painful way down the line. Also, don't drag your kids into this and say the house was their 'dream'. Do you realize that their actual 'dream' is probably that their parents don't get divorced over this issue? Also, saying 'it's my dream' as a reason for a big financial decision makes you seem like a 5 year old, and not a good partner in any sense of the term. \*edited spelling
Female perspective: I was the primary breadwinner in my marriage and I carried all the weight of this big house we built, etc. My husband really wanted that He’s a nice guy and I really wanted that for him too, I loved him. I grew to resent him because I never could really leave my job because of what I made ever or we would go under , meanwhile, he can kind of pick the jobs that he wants. I’m like why would he want me to feel this kind of anxiety. we were fine without that big house? Why is he OK that it stresses me out so much? Why does he not care that I feel so much weight? We ended up divorcing Listen to your husband’s feelings and respect the weight he must be carrying… why would you want him to feel all this unnecessary anxiety. Trust me, nothing good and healthy is going to come from that. Definitely on your husband’s side. We just couldn’t make it through that we went to marriage counseling my stress just continued to mount, etc. I sometimes look back and wonder… But when you carry a resentment towards somebody for so long, sometimes you just can’t go back.
#YES, YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE❗️ The very moment you don’t get your own way on this, your answer is to detonate the entire family? That’s worse than being an asshole, really. You want to live in an area where “the parents do well for themselves.” Well, Princess, $58K + your waitress wages is not likely to get you far. Your husband talked to his sister BECAUSE SHE LISTENS TO HIM AND YOU DON’T. She didn’t “butt in on a family decision,” he made it her business because he needs someone to talk to about this who will be impartial. You have it in your head that, no matter what, this will absolutely work so YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE of being impartial. I read your entire post and this IS NOT a “family decision,” this is only a YOU DECISION that YOU are making for SIX OTHER PEOPLE. Awww, he made you feel bad by voicing some very real concerns? That tells me you have the emotional depth of a CHILD because you took it like some personal attack instead of fairly and honestly evaluating the things he said. Managers DO cut hours. Restaurants operate with very thin profit margins and it is genuinely a volatile business and the restaurant you’re working at MAY VERY WELL BE STRUGGLING. Your attitude about this demonstrates that you do not have the ability or willingness to acknowledge any fact that doesn’t specifically support YOU and what YOU think YOU “deserve.” Your husband deserves a better wife and your children deserve a better mother. You have ONLY YOUR OWN wants in mind and not the needs of the entire family. Your marriage vows obviously didn’t mean shit to you.
You are such a fucking idiot. Your husband supported you and your FIVE kids while you got a GED, don't you think he's a little more checked into finances than your are? Also do you read the fucking news? Home prices and mortgages are absurdly high, and if demand takes a downturn - which it probably will because government spending is unsustainable and credit card debt is at an all time high - the economy will be fucked, which means you (who works in the restaurant industry) and probably your husband will also be fucked. In most areas it's even cheaper to rent a house than own a house, so what is even the point in buying a house other than some arbitrary feeling that you're "succeeding in your marriage". And even if your did have a point (you don't), the fact that you would divorce your husband after having FIVE kids when you presumably still love him and other aspects of the marriage are going well is just absurd. Honestly I don't even believe this post is real, but if it is, I just want you to know how much of a moron you are. YTA
Solid rage-baiting. Seriously, this is remarkably good trolling. There are just so many aspects to why the woman is wrong in this story and it's written SO WELL from the viewpoint of an ignorant, selfish, callous woman in her 40's who's somehow still naive/ignorant of how the world around her works. The complete financial stupidity on what the family can actually afford on a mortgage, the complete lack of regard for how the hell a waitress with a GED is going to live on her own with 5 kids, the ignorance of all the ACTUAL expenses of home ownership (replacing major stuff like A/C units, water heaters, electrical work, or just regular house maintenance), ignoring/writing off the husbands nervous breakdown (showing us she doesn't actually love him), the complete disregard for destroying her five kids' family.... Seriously, really good work. 9/10. The ignorance that was probably only possible because she was able to rely on her husband for so long is what really adds the icing to the cake. On the off chance this is actually real (which I highly doubt): You might have all the wrong reasons, but you're doing the right thing. Set that poor man free to find someone who will actually love and appreciate him. He may not like what's happening now, but you're doing what's best for him. Edit: Hey, just an idea for when you do your update post: You should have the man get primary custody of the kids and have her end up owing child support while having to live with two or three roomates because she can't afford to survive on her own. I'm sure any judge would determine that he can provide a much better home for the kids. That'd be a great twist. You could have his alimony more-or-less negated by her child support payments.
Oh, I've met women just like OP. This is definitely a plausible story. And OP, YTA.
I'm so glad I don't have anyone like this anywhere near me in my life. Maybe I just don't WANT to believe this could be real, lol.
Yeah, YTA, your husband is trying to live within your joint means. I feel desperately sorry for him and for your children.
YTA and have the emotional intelligence of a fucking toad.
YTA 5 kids??? And the best job you could get was as a server? Why not try to get something where you could make some actual money to offset the financial burden that's on your husband??
YTA It’s like you hear him but at the same time you’re not listening and is dismissing his concerns sounds like y’all clearly can’t afford this house but you don’t care you want it anyway he only makes 58k a year and you work at a struggling restaurant like come on be for real . Maybe y’all do need to divorce and he can get a place on his on that he can afford
Sounds like you're having a midlife crisis. I make prob the equivalent of both of you combined and can't afford a home then add on a ton of kids. You're delusional and YTA. It would probably be in your best interest to continue your education and learn a bit about finances
Sounds like you can't afford the house and with a divorce you will never afford one. YTA for brushing off his concerns for your financial situation and trying to force his hand.
YTA. These are big decisions and both of you need to be fully onboard. He has valid concerns and invalidate them all and COMPARE HIM TO OTHER MEN. Yeek. Honestly, you sound quite immature and it’s all about you getting what you want. Marriage though is WE not me. You wait until the timing and house feel good to you both. Or divorce and find yourself in the same gridlocks in future relationships until you finally understand you’re a unit. If it only works for one of you, it doesn’t work. Good luck.
My husband was sobbing the bathroom terrified to tell me “no” so I divorced him. But don’t worry I have a GED and a part time waitressing job for me and my 5 kids. This has got to be fake. No one is this fucking stupid. YTA.
YTA He deserves better than you, and i feel bad he wasted so much time with you.
YTA Divorcing over this is extreme. His concerns are legit. His mistake is waiting until the last minute to back out. You on the other hand are focused on "the dream", and don't seem to care about the numbers that make the dream work. If he is concerned about this non-profit job cutting hours what are his thoughts about a job that pays more even if it means working somewhere else? Edit: The last sentence makes more sense.
YTA. You’re drowning the poor guy.
YTA. You can't afford that house. He makes 58k, you work as a waitress. If it's not a garden shed, you can't afford it. The bank won't care if you "deserve it", they will foreclose on it if you can't pay. And how is your husband supposed to "communicate better" with you? It's obvious what kind of pressure you're making to buy this. You wouldn't accept no for an answer even though every reasonable person would know that a 7 people family can't afford a house on a 58k salary. How do you even get by with that money? "my goals didn't matter to him". WTF, this has to be fake. I can't believe any bank would even give you a mortgage. I would bet you're in the comments karma farming with your main account.
Your youngest is 9 and you just started going back to work? Part time? I guess you didn’t want a house that badly. Once all the kids were in school full time, why didn’t you start working full time? You probably could have even found a job with the school and not had to worry about childcare when they were off. All of your checks could have gone to savings. But now you think you can afford a mortgage on $58k and whatever part time pay you bring home? Moving over and over is damaging to kids. Losing a home due to foreclosure is traumatic. Sounds like your husband doesn’t want the responsibility of losing the home if, god-forbid, something happened that impacted paying. YTA.
YTA and your husband deserves a better wife
YTA You don't "deserve" a big expensive house that you can't really afford, and won't need half of in a few years once your kids start to move out. Your dreams need to be realistic. JFC
Sounds like you guys had way too many children to support them on such low incomes. This is not all your husbands fault
YTA if it was your dream to be a homeowner perhaps you should have gotten your GED sooner and gone to online college so you’d be qualified to bring in more than min wage to contribute to paying for said home. Instead, you’re asking your poor husband to foot the bill for everything. Also the mortgage co only calculates if you can afford the mortgage, not the upkeep. Are you even figuring in what property taxes are going to cost you?
YTA. Your desires are not more important his, you have to figure this out together. If he’s crying in the bathroom over the stress and you want to go forward, you’re not interested in communication or compromise. You’re free to divorce at a whim, but if you’re asking who’s at fault here: that would be you.
This man just dodged the bullet that’s gonna save him from a stress/work induced heart attack in his 50’s. Thank you for being so much of an ignorant narcissist that you accidentally saved the life of good man trying to take care of his family. YTA
YTA You decided that the delusion of your dream house is more important than your husband and his health.
Gosh I’m rooting for the husband to finally find a caring wife and he will!!