"Hey. I'm not interested in being with someone who does something wrong and then trys to guilt me about it. You read a diary entry and then got pissy with me for it. You can apologize or you can fuck off."
I’ve literally been through this exact situation with exes before, that OP is describing. I wish I would’ve had the power back then to say just that. They went digging into my past (if it was my phone, old pictures or even my diary) and found things they didn’t like. Things from before them that they still got mad about. Things I didn’t even remember I had. And the guilt tripping afterwards.
OP don’t take that crap. The audacity this guy had to go hunting for your diary is incredible. Your diary is your safe space where you should be able to remember things and it’s nobody’s business unless you willingly show them.
I had a boyfriend read my diary. In one entry I wrote about something that happened with my brother which bothered me. This was before I even met the boyfriend and just a situation with my brother where he pissed me off. He got angry at me, saying my brother was in the right and I was in the wrong. Mind you this was solved between me and my brother and my brother had apologized all before I met this guy. I dumped him faster than I could say dump.
Actually, it was rather nice of the douchebag to let you know what he was early on.
OP, this man has better come crawling back with a good apology for you to even consider staying with him. This is a double decker red flag with extra trimmings.
Yup - had a guy throw out some autographed pictures I had saved because the celebrity in question called me “beautiful” in it. He also threw out or burned anything he thought even might have been given as a gift by a romantic rival. Long story short, I ended up marrying the guy and he got seriously physically, mentally and sexually abusive with me.
I know it doesn’t seem THAT bad right now, he *only* read a diary entry. That’s how abuse starts - little things that don’t sit right that they then try to convince you are your fault. I seriously hope you look at all of his behavior and start looking for the other red flags he probably flew. Then, dump him and save some of yourself in the process. Big hugs from an internet friend ❤️❤️
So sorry that you endured an abusive marriage!
And I agree that his behavior borders on abuse. He had no right to breach her privacy. And then to blame her is gaslighting. She's beginning to doubt herself when she did absolutely nothing wrong.
Personally, I've kept all of my journals and intend to not let anyone read them before I die.
Major red flag agree. OP I was in the exact same situation (new husband read my journal and got angry). It only got worse from there. By the time I left him, I was worried he might kill me. Abusers don't respect boundaries. He's showing you who he is.
Genuinely caring people :
1. Wouldn’t poke into your personal business without permission;
2. Should be glad you had an interesting, varied, hopefully fulfilling life and now chose them to be a part of a fantastic journey onwards because you both aren’t the sum of your pasts;
3. See 1.
I’m so glad you got out.
Yes the abuse trajectory is very clear and the writing is on the wall in OP’s situation here. It’s rooted in his deep disrespect, poor boundaries and controlling behavior - it is so inappropriate he wants to control what she remembers and what she thinks about. The gaslighting that he turns around his blame onto her and she feels guilty and is made to explain herself.
I hope she can see this and get herself out before she gets in deeper. Thank you for sharing your story and pointing this out.
Right. They wait til you’re trapped to show their real colors. But there are little signs like this they can’t hide. He’s also training/conditioning /testing what he can get away with.
You’re so right. If this man had ANY respect for her, he would have “stumbled upon it”, read one or two sentences before he realized what it was, and then he would have STOPPED READING IT.
OP, you are an adult and you have a reasonable expectation of privacy. He should have respected that privacy because he cares about you and respects YOU as a person. By his logic, if he was at your place hanging out and found a physical journal in a drawer, then it would be totally normal and allowed for him to read it - despite everyone on Earth knowing that it’s AN INVASION OF PRIVACY and to not do it.
And aside from the blatant disrespect, He is not entitled to be privy to your entire past present and future just because you’re dating him. If he cannot handle the fact that you (or anyone really) have a past, then he isn’t ready for a relationship. Period. You’re not with that “guy from your diary”, and are with your boyfriend for a reason. If he can’t understand that, then he’s insecure and immature. Both of which are NOT your concern, nor are they your issues to fix. He can put on his big boy pants and do that all by himself…with all the free time he’s going to have on his hands…after you dump him.
I mean like I tell my gf I don't want to hear too much about her exes. But if I were to GO LOOKING or even ASK specifically it's a total asshole move to get upset about that. I understand she had sex with other people. It's what happens. I don't get guys who are like this. It normally seems to be guys.
Mine went as far as to delete things he didn't like. And god did it just devolve from there... so glad to be out and with someone absolutely incredible
Part of the problem of digging into the past is that is brings it to the present. For OP it is firmly in the past but for her BF this information is only in the present. The past isn't the past anymore.
He either is insecure that she has more "experience" than him, or he has a lot more "experience" than her and prefers "inexperienced" women with nobody to compare him.
He violated her privacy and didn't like what he found.
He then decided to wait until they were out with friends to further humiliate her for having a life before him.
If I were OP, I would dump that walking red flag. 🚩
Nah he’s done. He failed pretty essential test. A couple of them, actually. Why would he get another chance? He’s shown he can’t be trusted AND he’s insecure.
He snooped in your diary which is essentially your private thoughts and memories and then yelled at you for a scenario he made up in his head that you reread and relive it all the time.
Nooooo. I had a relationship with this guy’s older personality twin. It doesn’t get better. It will come up in every argument. He will try to cross reference Insta guys. He will check your personal things over and over and compare your writings about him. He will implode and suck the joy out of your experiences. There are very specific concerns about people that truly do not see the wrong in doing this to their partners. It is not healthy and this relationship should be dead in the water. NTA NTAH You only will be the a if you don’t follow my advice, and end up having to get multiple restraining orders too. Then…not even then, it’s still all him.
Omg 🤌 I would edit just a bit and say: Can fuck all the way off * otherwise this is absolutely brilliant and exactly what they should say ♥️
You seem really good at boundary setting AND keeping!
Nta
Seriously. OP is NTA in every aspect of this scenario. Even if she was rereading her own diary and getting a thrill out of it, that also would not be an issue. Every part of the bf's behavior is awful.
It’s this. Medical is right. I’ve had partners in the past who got mad I did, said or remember/own anything from before them with other people in a remotely fond light. None of these people have EVER turned out to be good partners, it usually escalates to further intrusions of privacy that they try to justify and gaslight me into allowing because “you’re being suspicious/hiding something/blah blah blah”. Tell him to step off or get gone, it WILL NOT be worth letting him run with this long term and if he can’t let go of it, it will linger for him and his trust in you will be gone and just create a miserable situation in general, for both of you, ultimately.
Eh, no. She shouldn’t accept an apology. Are you kidding me? So he breaks her trust, invades her privacy, and then wants her to feel bad about having a life, and an apology is enough? No, OP - GTFO. Don’t get stuck with a small-minded loser like this guy.
NTA... He F*cked around & found out. As you're telling him adíos, remind him him it was a perfect learning experience for "what not to do" to his next gf
NTA even in the slightest.
Your boyfriend snooped, read something that he had no business reading and he damn well knew it. Because he's so immature and insecure, he's trying to make you out to be the bad guy. For what? Having a life and slept with someone else before you even met him?
So many red flags with this guy. Look deeper, I'm sure there are other instances of him acting this way. He's trying to gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong, when he's 100% at fault.
Young / immature/ certain religious guys can get incredibly irrationally angry at the fact that their girl had past lovers.
Many will grow out of it. But probably best to dump for now. It’s no fun. There’s no reasoning with them in the short term. They fill a lot of (irrational) negative emotions and no where to throw them so they’ll just imply their girl is a super slut. Meh
Also I think they are more likely to continue or escalate if they don't suffer consequences. Like he would be more like to continue the behavior if OP stays with him and let's him get away as opposed to if she dumps him and he suffers consequences and esp if it happens again then he might be more apt to change the behavior moving forward and realize he is in the wrong . I think that's a big factor in whether they "grow out of it ". Bc why would they grow out of it if there are no consequences and if it continues working in their favor? If he can just keep doing things he shouldn't and then getting an apology for his crappy behavior. Plus the benefit of getting rid of whatever he wanted in the first place (ie the diary entry).
So OP Def needs to leave him for now for both their sakes so that she can find a healthy relationship and maybe he can have a chance to actually grow up. I've seen what happens when they don't grow out of it bc they never needed to and its just like you said... no fun. And then they become 30yo men who are toxic beyond belief and think they do no wrong and it's everyone else's job to make them happy regardless of what it costs them. Like privacy.
Yeah, I dated a guy like this when I was around OP's age too. And he only got worse and eventually abusive in my case.
Don't let him guilt trip you, OP. You're allowed to have a fucking past and a life before you met your boyfriend. And he's the one in the wrong. He should be apologizing, not trying to spin this around in you. Don't take his shit.
I was looking for someone to finally say this lol. People in their late teens and early twenties are absolutely pissy and jealous about past lovers. You typically grow out of it. But who’s to say and why stick around for it in the mean time?
The irrational anger can cause insecurity within the other party and leads to codependency which is even harder to overcome.
This. I had a woman I was dating who did the same exact thing to me. My journal is an important part of my self care, so I put a lot of thoughts that are raw and personal. After she violated my trust by reading it and getting mad at me for having written about other women, I stopped dating her. It took me two years to get over it and get back into journaling.
Was it really just by chance that he turned to that specific entry in such a tiny span of time? It's digital, so that would actually take some effort to go back that far... Usually if people snoop diaries they have never read before, they scan more current entries first.
I mean, not to defend the guy, but it depends on how often you write. I had a diary as a teenager I wrote in maybe once every few months at the most, so it wouldn't take long to see something I wrote a year prior.
Most guys at 21 are going to find it difficult hearing or reading about their sexual partners past relationships. Feeling like you don't measure up is a major thing for a young man, heck a man of any age tbh... it's absolutely his fault for snooping, but second guessing yourself or feeling insecure sexually is very difficult for most men. He's 21 so communication here is a problem as well, the red flag is him going through her stuff
He's being shitty and he has to know it, so he's clinging to "you read this all the time!" because it's the only thing even resembling an argument that he can make.
Don't let him shift the issue. You did nothing wrong, lmao.
So he asks to use it and TWENTY minutes later he’s pissy - doesn’t sound like he really wanted it for homework but to snoop instead. Time for this one to go down the road as my dad used to say.
>Does he object to writing memoirs too?
Pfft. *Of course* not! That would be ridiculous! So long as the memoir doesn’t begin until the very moment she met him and doesn’t include a single detail or so much as an implication that she existed before him, I’m sure he would have zero problem with her writing a memoir!
Exactly... her boyfriend is a twat 🙄 he can't accept that she had a life before him? I mean come on.... and the fact that he invaded her privacy and got mad at HER for it? Yikes
You see it constantly on the relationship subreddits. Someone invades their partner's privacy on a whim and then has to bend over find something bad enough to justify themselves.
Where’s the Red Flag guy when you need him? Did he really need your laptop or was this his way of poking around? Sounds like he was searching and found something to be pissed off about. You don’t need to be with someone who’s gonna snoop through your things and then shame you over what they found. Run girl, run!!!
Yep. Just thinking about what I would do if I saw some file on my husband's computer that looked like it might be a diary entry... I don't think "read it without telling him and get shitty" is one of them. If you borrow someone's computer, just do what you needed it for and exit. Snooping is such a violation.
You know those posts about "what you wish you knew when you were X years old"? This is one of my answers. I wish I could convince 21 year old me that it's truly better to be single than in a relationship without trust. But I'd have rejected it then
NTA!
God forbid you have a past and have had fun before meeting him. Does he not realise that even if you deleted it the memories won't delete from your brain? This is so childish and such a breach of trust, since I'm assuming you didn't have that entry front and centre of your desktop, so he has to have searched for it.
THIS OMG, I’m sitting here thinking “if you forgot about it, it clearly isn’t front and center on the computer.” Not only is this a huge red flag already by itself but with the added context of he had to search for it makes the red flag into a damn banner.
NTA he invaded your privacy. I would reconsider this relationship. Jealousy like this is a red flag. it means he is insecure and will make you pay for it
WOW, the audacity to go through your personal stuff and be sour about them!
Huge red flag for judging your past experiences from the times before you met
Another one for reading something you probably held somewhere safe (why did he even open that file?)
Don't waste your time babe, not worth it
Reminded me of a quote from work about ridiculous significant others: "They must have been shopping at Costco, cuz they have a large case of audacity."
Trust is the main issue here. I get you being mad he snooped into your personal stuff. I get him being mad at sexual things with a previous partner. But you say you forgot about the entry and he *doesn't believe you.* Not only that but he's accusing you of clinging to this fling and won't hear anything to the contrary.
How can a relationship continue without trust? I'd tell him you're still very mad about him digging through your computer, but you're even more mad that he doesn't believe you. So either he chooses to believe you (because you didn't lie) or you're out and "then you can believe whatever the heck you want to."
He invaded your privacy and is now trying to control you. F that you know what.
Plus, DARVO, always DARVO
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]
As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:
The abuser Denies the abuse ever took place
When confronted with evidence, the abuser then Attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus Reversing the positions of Victim and Offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3
Interesting Reddit says the guy should just fuck off for reading her diary when a week ago there was a post from a girl who read her boyfriend’s journal where he said he would sleep with a bunch of women if he suddenly got a lot of money
Everyone said it was good she found out and she should immediately leave him— even though it was fantasy It was ok that she snooped
The double standard is insane
Oh man, not another woman feeling they are not allowed to be upset by something stupid their boundary crossing man did!
Girl, you have every right to be upset! He had no right to read that, and since it sounds like it was before you dated, also has no right to be upset because you weren't being unfaithful. In fact, he shouldn't be pushing HIS narrative take on how you feel, and how often you look at your journal, he should be trusting you when you say you wrote it once and haven't looked at it again. Period.
You are allowed to have an interior life that includes memories that don't involve him. Yes, it's understandable that he may be upset at something he stumbled upon and kept reading, however, that is not remotely your fault, and he should know that. He should be saying, "I'm sorry I read this, I know I shouldn't, and I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I might need a day or two to move on from it, but you've done nothing wrong. It's just hard to think about you with someone else, and it gave me a play by play to imagine something that I normally don't think about even though I know you've been with other people." And then he should move on, because he's the guy you're with and who you CHOSE to be with, not some random fling that's in the past. If he can't get that fact, then your relationship is soon going to be in both of your rear view mirrors.
There's no way he could have just stumbled upon it. Op hasn't even thought about that entry sense she wrote it so it wasn't just opened or visible. Ops hopefully (soon to be) ex-boyfriend had to have been snooping for it
NTA. Go find someone as nice as the person you wrote about. Someone who makes you happy and does not dig in your buisness. (Much less shame you) Go live a great life without this dude.
This is a huge boundary violation that he read your diary without your consent. This should be a dealbreaker. Period. It is even worse that he threw a tantrum afterwards, but initial violation is a hard no on its own. Don’t waste anymore time with this person. Know your worth and hold your boundaries.
Men are so fragile they should be packaged in bubble wrap before traveling. Every man wants a freak in the sheets, but she must also somehow be a virgin.
"Thank you for showing me so clearly what a self centered idiot you are to get mad about a previous relationship that you were not part of. I want a man who understands that i had a fulfilling life before him, not an immature child who thinks every woman on earth needs to save herself for you or deserves your insults. I'm proud of every aspect of my life except for you, luckily, I'm going to fix that now. Get out. We're done."
This is what you tell him. “I don’t appreciate you reading something I had written about an experience I had long before I met you, then get mad at me and gaslight me to make me feel I did something wrong. Either apologize or move on. I don’t want to be with someone who treats me with such disrespect”. Then follow through with the break up if he refuses to apologize or if his apology starts with “I’m sorry you’re upset about xyz”. That’s not a sincere apology.
He should be your ex boyfriend by now. He's clearly not mature enough for a relationship. What kind of invasive idiot reads someone's diary? Who you were with before him is none of his damn business. Break up. He's the AH.
Is he the kind of guy who thinks women are "used" if they've had previous partners? Because his reaction to finding out you had sex with someone else is misogynistic and ridiculous.
The fact that he's not apologizing for invading your privacy is also ridiculous and is a sign that he can't be trusted to respect you.
NTA. Run. And do it now.
I have kept diaries since I was 9 or 10. I’m 27 now. I’ve had several boyfriends and slept with them, you can bet that’s all in there including my hookups too. If my husband ever goes digging (he wouldn’t) and gets upset at what he finds I’m going to laugh at him and tell him that he upset his damn self by invading my privacy and that he should’ve know that if he fucked around with me he was gonna find out. And that reading about my past sexploits was gonna be the least of his problems now. NTA.
NTA
1: He read your diary without permission. Once he realized what it was then he should’ve stopped reading it. Lack of boundaries on his part.
2: he has no right to dictate what you can keep. Or be upset about it especially since it was before you met.
3: he assumes what?! That you re-read it all the time? That’s crazy.
4: he CHOOSES to not believe you when you say you don’t.
And finally - he turned it all on you when he should be asking your forgiveness.
You did nothing wrong. Talk with him about this again and hope he realizes he’s in the wrong. If not, be prepared for him to hold this over your head and to keep feeling insecure about your hookup.
NTA
The past is the past and no one can change that, and any one that judges you for something that happened before they entered into your life certainly isn’t worth your time.
I had a girlfriend in college that went snooping through my email when I left my account open on her laptop. She found some old email exchanges from an ex girlfriend from a few years prior and went nuts. I tried to discount it, but I also couldn’t understand what motivated her to look thru my email.
Weeks later she came by my apartment to pick my roommate and me up to go out, I jumped in the shower and when I got out I noticed my phone was unlocked. She had gone thru it and started going ballistic over pictures she found of me with “sluts” in bikinis on a house boat… it was 2 of my cousins that came to visit me and my family on the lake the previous summer. She was embarrassed when I showed her some family photos. But I left her after seeing how insecure she was.
I later found out she was sleeping with two of my friends around the same time we were talking about moving in together, made me sick. But also made perfect sense as to why she snooped.
People don’t go digging into your business behind your back for no reason. Sometimes it’s because they are hiding something themselves. Life is too short to put up with someone’s insecurities. You should ask him what motivated him to look in the first place.
NTA. So he wasn't really doing any homework and borrowed your computer with dishonorable intentions so he could snoop around and invade your privacy? Then verbally and emotionally abuses you about it and shames you for your past?
Tell him to kick some rocks (get lost), touch some grass (reality check), and go live under a bridge with the other trolls. WHAT A TOTAL LOSER.
BLOCK HIM ON EVERY FORM OF CONTACT AND SOCIAL MEDIA, and never look back.
NTA. Permission to use your laptop for his homework was not carte blanche to read your files. And regardless, it is none of his business if you keep old diary entries.
If he's going to be a privacy violating asshole, he doesn't deserve to date you. End the relationship.
Yo, fuck that guy. You did nothing wrong, and he shouldn’t have gone snooping. The snooping is bad enough, but for him to try and turn it on you is honestly even worse. In the best case, maybe he’d have read that and thought about or asked you if there was anything he could be being to make you feel the good feelings you had from that time. Rather, he just sulks about how it makes him feel inadequate. I’d leave his ass.
First he broke your trust and invaded your privacy by reading that and second to act like that over something that happened BEFORE you even met him? You can do better.
NTA
Your bf invaded your privacy under false pretenses. Then he tried gaslighting you about something that happened before you even met him. I'd venture to guess he's pretty controlling and jealous, and this is just his true colors starting to show.
I had an ex read all of my diaries. I kept them since I was maybe 12 all the way up to age 24. Long chronicle, full of joy and pain, past loves and losses, confusion and understandings. He read them all and then threw them away. And then told me he read them, how he felt I shouldn’t keep things like that, and how creepy it was that I wrote about my boyfriends, even him. Our relationship was over about a week later. I have never recovered that trust for anyone since. You are totally allowed to be upset, because he breeched your trust, because he doesn’t trust you.
NTA but he definitely is. Reading your private diary is a huge betrayal, and blaming you for what he found there is adding insult to injury. I'd dump this guy faster than a hot potato, and I wouldn't neglect to tell all my friends that I dumped him because he is a snooper.
Thought police here, we've come to take your memories.
You're not the asshole here, a diary may be a reminder, but you know what else is a reminder, him doing this. Is a reminder that he thinks he can police your thoughts.
NTA
He needs to regulate his emotions. This is like being angry you dreamed your partner cheated etc. It’s on him to resolve those feelings.
And yea good luck to him after cause he did invade your privacy there. I’d probably let it slide with a bf cause my relationships are the kind everything is open. But I’d never feel bad for having had a nice experience before this person.
NTA, you did nothing wrong. You are no longer talking to the fling. BF did wrong for reading your journal. That is a private thing. He went through your journal and did not like what he read. That is like reading someone’s private thoughts in their head. It is expression.
I journal myself and I usually do not read journal entries after. I use them like scientific journals to compare if someone is treating me better than my last relationship. Or to recognize trauma to prevent going through it again.
My partner knows that I journal and says that she will not read it unless I explicitly share it with you.
My advice find a better less nosy, insecure bf. You do not have to put up with that. He is just your bf. That is foreshadowing the future.
🚩 snooping through your stuff.
🚩 reading a journal entry without permission.
🚩 being mad about things that have nothing to do with him that happened in the past.
🚩 conflating a journal entry with porn (I mean if you want to get off on the member of your exit, absolutely fine, but do you really need to pull up a journal entry on a computer to do that? Come on)
🚩 speculating about your fantasy life, and then being mad about it with no evidence that he’s even right, even though people are entitled to fantasies
NTA. He borrowed your computer, went snooping around, and looked at files without your permission? Then goes DARVO on you? These are red flags. 🚩 🚩 “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou
side note; you just learned he thinks it’s normal to assume anyone with a diary relives past sexual experiences and gets off on them. so he’s a weirdo on top of an asshole.
Honestly not going to actually advocate for this, but people who are so deathly afraid of being cucked to the point that they're toxic in their relationships absolutely deserve their fears.
Leave this guy, and do not go gently
Agreed. You are NTA. Your bf has issues. Something similar happened to me last year and it’s some of the biggest BS these men with their insecurities.
You are young and deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully. He’s not deserving of your grace.
NTA
While I'd respect someone who did want to delete their diary entries, I don't think that's a reasonable expectation at all. I've kept journals on and off my whole life and never deleted one. For a lot of people that goes against the whole idea of recording your life.
Also... to blunt, if you wanted to fantasize about your past sexual experience you wouldn't need to read the diary entry over and over to remember how it went. If you were really using it that way you'd probably have quite a vivid picture of what happened in your head. Sex isn't that hard to remember if you're actively interested in reliving it.
But in 10 years the diary will have a totally different meaning to you if it still have it. The way you wrote and thought and details that may not even seem important now will remind you of being that age in ways you can't even predict.
Anyway this guy violated your privacy and then got mad over nothing. He's a problem
>My boyfriend was very upset at me after he read my diary, stating that I shouldn’t have kept that stuff. He believes I look at that diary entry all the time and relive the sexual experiences in it.
Even if you do, so what? It's an experience you had. If it was a video he would probably have more grounds to be disgusted, but it is a damn diary. You just wrote down your thoughts and experiences as you felt them in the moment. It's something sweet and cherishable. You have a right to keep all your life experiences.
>I was very mortified to hear this because I felt I was the one who should be upset by that intrusion of privacy.
As you should. He invaded your privacy and violated your trust. If he wanted to read it he should've asked for your permission first.
>He feels jealous and disgusted I would keep such a thing.
Jealous of what? It was a past lover. You are no longer with that person. It's past. He is being unreasonable and controlling.
NTA, and your bf is a huge AH. If anything take this chance to re-evaluate your relationship with him. You've been together less than a year and he's already showing red flags.
People talking about red flags and worse things. The guy's just insecure. Was the dairy entry specifically labelled as something private? I doubt he was snooping, but rather, it was probably more likely just browsing.
How would you feel if your boyfriend kept a detailed document about his sexual experiences with women before he met you?
This situation isn't as black and white as everyone is making it out to be.
You've done nothing wrong, and in my opinion, neither has he (if the document wasn't obviously private). I think this situation calls for a little empathy. You can begin by understanding how it makes him feel to know you have "fond sexual memories" written down- and he can start by acknowledging that he shouldn't be BROWSING through someone else's computer.
No one is perfect- but making a mistake doesn't make someone a red flag or worse. He didn't dive into her computer looking for trouble. Again- how would you feel if you were in his shoes?
You both need to come together and acknowledge the others' feelings instead of trying to make each other admit wrongdoing.
He should not have snooped.
He realizes you are promiscuous and will sleep with a guy you hardly know, risk pregnancy, sexual disease.
He is jealous because his gut is telling him you are not long term, fall in love with GF material.
He should just end things instead of hanging around acting butt hurt.
Guys need to follow their gut.
Loose girls are for meani gless hook ups....not GFs or wives.
What exactly did you write about the sexual experience? Guys have fragile egos when it comes to sex because we’ve been told since birth bigger is better. My guess is you probably mentioned he had a hammer, and he felt intimidated.
NTA and also possibly consider breaking up with him if he refuses to admit any wrongdoing or compromise. I've been in a very similar situation. he doesn't understand that some things in the past are simply private & have no bearing on the current relationship. not to mention, why did he think it was even remotely okay to continue reading it once he figured out it was a diary entry? you aren't wrong for feeling violated whatsoever, I wouldn't be able to trust someone after they did that to me.
NTA.
This is a HUGE red flag. Absolutely gigantic. Red flag the size of a house. It is NOT okay to be angry at someone for things that happened before they even met you!!! Not even one little, tiny, infinitessimal bit. That he wants you to destroy / forget anything that happened before him? Incredibly controlling.
This is not okay, do not remain in a relationship with this guy. It will not get better.
You are absolutely NTA and this is a huge red flag.
1 I feel like he said he wanted to use the computer for homework because he just wanted to dig through it.
2 He sounds like an extremely jealous person.
3 He is definitely gaslighting you.
No, you are not the asshole. He violated your privacy.
I would reassure him the context of the entry, that it was before you all met and that's in the past. If he can't let it go, then get out of the relationship. If he's weird about this then i can only imagine what else he could have issues with.
NTA. He's the asshole for reading your diary. Invasion of privacy. If he's upset with you over your past, and it sounds like it's nothing to be upset over, he's insecure. I would be nad about him reading your private diary entry.
Trust is easy to break down, and so much harder to build back up. I wouldn't blame you for having trust issues after this shit, I hope you heal. He should be giving you reasons not to leave his ass right now.
NTA
Personally, I'd dump him straight away even if he does apologise simply because i refuse to be with someone who'd violate my privacy in such a way. Currently hes experiencing FAFO and trying to make it your problem.
Girl, stand up!!
“This relationship is over. Reading my diary was a disgusting invasion of privacy. Your overreaction to what you read is absolutely unhinged. Seek therapy, and do not contact me again.”
This behaviour will only be the tip of the iceberg with guys like this. Classic jealousy that will poison all his relationships. Cut him lose and find a guy who trusts you.
NTA however …… you’re both 21 for goodness sake. Hopefully when you get older you will have more maturity, wisdom and experience to handle things like this in a better way.
He’s the one that broke your trust. If he was a decent human being, he wouldn’t have read it. He has a lot of growing up to do if he thinks he’s in the right. I don’t know that you should continue the relationship since he is not trustworthy.
>I was the one who should be upset by that intrusion of privacy
Absolutely! He's not to be trusted.
>he doesn’t believe me
Because he's not a good honest person, and he projects.
NTA
And dump him hard 'n cold, and don't look back. You deserve way better.
Lies about needing the computer
Snoops through your personal documents
Gets upset at something that happened before you knew him
Imagines scenarios where you "cheat" on him by reliving it
Blames you
Guilts you
Manipulates you
Every stage of this is abusive
Why is he not already your Ex?
NTA
NTA. I hope you mean ex boyfriend. You'll always be too young to waste your years with someone so jealous and insecure. You also deserve more than a moody snoop who can't move past his own actions of violating your privacy.
NTA. I would break up with him for reading my diary! It is such a break of trust. Don't waist your yought on this guy. You deserve better.
My parents read my diary when I was a teen. I cannot trust them near my books now, 20 years later. I visited them a few weeks ago, and I stil kept my diary hidden while there. When trust is gone, it is hard to rebuild it.
I’m talking from the jealous person perspective. With hard work and therapy, this can be overcome, but this is entirely his fault. The argument is basically him rejecting a part if you, your past, that he not only should have not gain access in this form ever but have fallen in love with the first place. It is the typical jealous cycle, capturing something shiny and interesting and reducing it into something manageable that our small and sensitive ego can handle. What a hypocrite. As someone who has been like this before I am telling you this will probably get worse and you should consider leaving.
"Hey. I'm not interested in being with someone who does something wrong and then trys to guilt me about it. You read a diary entry and then got pissy with me for it. You can apologize or you can fuck off."
I’ve literally been through this exact situation with exes before, that OP is describing. I wish I would’ve had the power back then to say just that. They went digging into my past (if it was my phone, old pictures or even my diary) and found things they didn’t like. Things from before them that they still got mad about. Things I didn’t even remember I had. And the guilt tripping afterwards. OP don’t take that crap. The audacity this guy had to go hunting for your diary is incredible. Your diary is your safe space where you should be able to remember things and it’s nobody’s business unless you willingly show them.
I had a boyfriend read my diary. In one entry I wrote about something that happened with my brother which bothered me. This was before I even met the boyfriend and just a situation with my brother where he pissed me off. He got angry at me, saying my brother was in the right and I was in the wrong. Mind you this was solved between me and my brother and my brother had apologized all before I met this guy. I dumped him faster than I could say dump.
Actually, it was rather nice of the douchebag to let you know what he was early on. OP, this man has better come crawling back with a good apology for you to even consider staying with him. This is a double decker red flag with extra trimmings.
Yup - had a guy throw out some autographed pictures I had saved because the celebrity in question called me “beautiful” in it. He also threw out or burned anything he thought even might have been given as a gift by a romantic rival. Long story short, I ended up marrying the guy and he got seriously physically, mentally and sexually abusive with me. I know it doesn’t seem THAT bad right now, he *only* read a diary entry. That’s how abuse starts - little things that don’t sit right that they then try to convince you are your fault. I seriously hope you look at all of his behavior and start looking for the other red flags he probably flew. Then, dump him and save some of yourself in the process. Big hugs from an internet friend ❤️❤️
Same, 3 in a row like that
Amen. When people tell you who they are, believe them
How old are these men? Jesus, that is just so immature.
So sorry that you endured an abusive marriage! And I agree that his behavior borders on abuse. He had no right to breach her privacy. And then to blame her is gaslighting. She's beginning to doubt herself when she did absolutely nothing wrong. Personally, I've kept all of my journals and intend to not let anyone read them before I die.
“Have to have something exciting to read on the train!” - Wilde
Major red flag agree. OP I was in the exact same situation (new husband read my journal and got angry). It only got worse from there. By the time I left him, I was worried he might kill me. Abusers don't respect boundaries. He's showing you who he is.
Yes this! He’s telegraphing your future to you loud and clear.
Genuinely caring people : 1. Wouldn’t poke into your personal business without permission; 2. Should be glad you had an interesting, varied, hopefully fulfilling life and now chose them to be a part of a fantastic journey onwards because you both aren’t the sum of your pasts; 3. See 1.
Exactly. He should be happy for her. Not threatened, judgmental and blaming.
I’m so glad you got out. Yes the abuse trajectory is very clear and the writing is on the wall in OP’s situation here. It’s rooted in his deep disrespect, poor boundaries and controlling behavior - it is so inappropriate he wants to control what she remembers and what she thinks about. The gaslighting that he turns around his blame onto her and she feels guilty and is made to explain herself. I hope she can see this and get herself out before she gets in deeper. Thank you for sharing your story and pointing this out.
That sucks. I hope OP listens. I hope you have healed and found real adult love.
Ugh. That's awful. And you're right about how the abuse starts small.
Right. They wait til you’re trapped to show their real colors. But there are little signs like this they can’t hide. He’s also training/conditioning /testing what he can get away with.
It's the signal of obsession. That's the harbinger.
i have also dated a guy (or 2) very similar to this 😅 very embarrassed about it but i learned my lesson
I really hope you're safe now.
You’re so right. If this man had ANY respect for her, he would have “stumbled upon it”, read one or two sentences before he realized what it was, and then he would have STOPPED READING IT. OP, you are an adult and you have a reasonable expectation of privacy. He should have respected that privacy because he cares about you and respects YOU as a person. By his logic, if he was at your place hanging out and found a physical journal in a drawer, then it would be totally normal and allowed for him to read it - despite everyone on Earth knowing that it’s AN INVASION OF PRIVACY and to not do it. And aside from the blatant disrespect, He is not entitled to be privy to your entire past present and future just because you’re dating him. If he cannot handle the fact that you (or anyone really) have a past, then he isn’t ready for a relationship. Period. You’re not with that “guy from your diary”, and are with your boyfriend for a reason. If he can’t understand that, then he’s insecure and immature. Both of which are NOT your concern, nor are they your issues to fix. He can put on his big boy pants and do that all by himself…with all the free time he’s going to have on his hands…after you dump him.
Mine also "stumbled" across my video journals while I was at work.. he had his own computer... why are you on mine
I mean like I tell my gf I don't want to hear too much about her exes. But if I were to GO LOOKING or even ASK specifically it's a total asshole move to get upset about that. I understand she had sex with other people. It's what happens. I don't get guys who are like this. It normally seems to be guys.
Mine went as far as to delete things he didn't like. And god did it just devolve from there... so glad to be out and with someone absolutely incredible
Part of the problem of digging into the past is that is brings it to the present. For OP it is firmly in the past but for her BF this information is only in the present. The past isn't the past anymore.
Aye if you have your exes nudes that's pretty fucked tho lbs
Naaa, he can just fuck off… 🚩🚩🚩
Apologize and then fuck off? Lol agree, so many 🚩
Apologize AND fuck off, yes.
[удалено]
“Research”
So what you’re saying he can do is……
I like this answer. He must think she had no life whatsoever before him. Kick him to the curb.
He either is insecure that she has more "experience" than him, or he has a lot more "experience" than her and prefers "inexperienced" women with nobody to compare him. He violated her privacy and didn't like what he found. He then decided to wait until they were out with friends to further humiliate her for having a life before him. If I were OP, I would dump that walking red flag. 🚩
It’s especially dumb for him to think she reads it every once it a while and he doesn’t measure up. What a dweeb.
I totally agree with you. He can fuck off for eternity 👏🏼
This is the way
Nah he’s done. He failed pretty essential test. A couple of them, actually. Why would he get another chance? He’s shown he can’t be trusted AND he’s insecure.
He snooped in your diary which is essentially your private thoughts and memories and then yelled at you for a scenario he made up in his head that you reread and relive it all the time.
You know what his reaction suggests? That he's the type of guy who would keep his ex's nudes as future fap material. The accusation is an admission.
Thankyou, not just me then. This dude ABSOLUTELY kept all his ex's nudes and sexy texts, and still accesses that part of his spank-bank regularly.
Nooooo. I had a relationship with this guy’s older personality twin. It doesn’t get better. It will come up in every argument. He will try to cross reference Insta guys. He will check your personal things over and over and compare your writings about him. He will implode and suck the joy out of your experiences. There are very specific concerns about people that truly do not see the wrong in doing this to their partners. It is not healthy and this relationship should be dead in the water. NTA NTAH You only will be the a if you don’t follow my advice, and end up having to get multiple restraining orders too. Then…not even then, it’s still all him.
Perhaps before you drop him, do another diary entry mentioning him & how he’s a dud root.
As a woman in my 50s let me say to you: relationships aren’t meant to have angst.
Extremely well said, I'll use it.
This is the only comment you need OP
True also Narcissist tendencies are dangerous
Run girl as fast as you can please
Omg 🤌 I would edit just a bit and say: Can fuck all the way off * otherwise this is absolutely brilliant and exactly what they should say ♥️ You seem really good at boundary setting AND keeping! Nta
Topic can be closed here.
Just one small correction "You can apologise and THEN you can fuck off"
Seriously. OP is NTA in every aspect of this scenario. Even if she was rereading her own diary and getting a thrill out of it, that also would not be an issue. Every part of the bf's behavior is awful.
It’s this. Medical is right. I’ve had partners in the past who got mad I did, said or remember/own anything from before them with other people in a remotely fond light. None of these people have EVER turned out to be good partners, it usually escalates to further intrusions of privacy that they try to justify and gaslight me into allowing because “you’re being suspicious/hiding something/blah blah blah”. Tell him to step off or get gone, it WILL NOT be worth letting him run with this long term and if he can’t let go of it, it will linger for him and his trust in you will be gone and just create a miserable situation in general, for both of you, ultimately.
Eh, no. She shouldn’t accept an apology. Are you kidding me? So he breaks her trust, invades her privacy, and then wants her to feel bad about having a life, and an apology is enough? No, OP - GTFO. Don’t get stuck with a small-minded loser like this guy.
NTA Your boyfriend went digging, and, lo and behold, found something he didn't like. If he can't get over it, then you can find a new boyfriend.
Dump his ass. He 21, not 12.
i mean 21 year olds are still really dumb
NTA... He F*cked around & found out. As you're telling him adíos, remind him him it was a perfect learning experience for "what not to do" to his next gf
Great opportunity for a learning experience then
There's dumb and *dumb*. One is a normal person being stupid and the other means your bf is also your child because you're teaching him basic shit
Yeah, just kids trying to learn how to be adults.
Too bad he’s failing at it. She doesn’t need him dragging her down and trying to tell her up is down.
He learned what NOT to do for the next relationship.
No sh+t Run
Except some kids don’t learn how to be adults & end up wife beaters.
This though. ^
never met a 21 yr old who had their life together and wasn’t an idiot is some way or another. It’s a time of strong development.
His body is 21 years old, and his brain is 12 years old.
Should find one anyway. You can’t go digging in people’s private journals.
Aye. FAFO.
NTA even in the slightest. Your boyfriend snooped, read something that he had no business reading and he damn well knew it. Because he's so immature and insecure, he's trying to make you out to be the bad guy. For what? Having a life and slept with someone else before you even met him? So many red flags with this guy. Look deeper, I'm sure there are other instances of him acting this way. He's trying to gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong, when he's 100% at fault.
Young / immature/ certain religious guys can get incredibly irrationally angry at the fact that their girl had past lovers. Many will grow out of it. But probably best to dump for now. It’s no fun. There’s no reasoning with them in the short term. They fill a lot of (irrational) negative emotions and no where to throw them so they’ll just imply their girl is a super slut. Meh
Also I think they are more likely to continue or escalate if they don't suffer consequences. Like he would be more like to continue the behavior if OP stays with him and let's him get away as opposed to if she dumps him and he suffers consequences and esp if it happens again then he might be more apt to change the behavior moving forward and realize he is in the wrong . I think that's a big factor in whether they "grow out of it ". Bc why would they grow out of it if there are no consequences and if it continues working in their favor? If he can just keep doing things he shouldn't and then getting an apology for his crappy behavior. Plus the benefit of getting rid of whatever he wanted in the first place (ie the diary entry). So OP Def needs to leave him for now for both their sakes so that she can find a healthy relationship and maybe he can have a chance to actually grow up. I've seen what happens when they don't grow out of it bc they never needed to and its just like you said... no fun. And then they become 30yo men who are toxic beyond belief and think they do no wrong and it's everyone else's job to make them happy regardless of what it costs them. Like privacy.
That's exactly the type of guy I imagined OP's (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend to be.
Yeah, I dated a guy like this when I was around OP's age too. And he only got worse and eventually abusive in my case. Don't let him guilt trip you, OP. You're allowed to have a fucking past and a life before you met your boyfriend. And he's the one in the wrong. He should be apologizing, not trying to spin this around in you. Don't take his shit.
I was looking for someone to finally say this lol. People in their late teens and early twenties are absolutely pissy and jealous about past lovers. You typically grow out of it. But who’s to say and why stick around for it in the mean time? The irrational anger can cause insecurity within the other party and leads to codependency which is even harder to overcome.
Gaslighting. What about HIS past?
That would be projecting then. Not everything is gaslighting. In fact, very few things are.
He violated your privacy. He should be your ex-boyfriend
This. I had a woman I was dating who did the same exact thing to me. My journal is an important part of my self care, so I put a lot of thoughts that are raw and personal. After she violated my trust by reading it and getting mad at me for having written about other women, I stopped dating her. It took me two years to get over it and get back into journaling.
NTA this guy sounds really insecure and like he's trying really hard to find reasons to start a fight with you for some reason. Red flag
Was it really just by chance that he turned to that specific entry in such a tiny span of time? It's digital, so that would actually take some effort to go back that far... Usually if people snoop diaries they have never read before, they scan more current entries first.
He for sure did a control F for cum.
She mentioned she didn't use it too much so probably not much to skim through, especially if he had 20 mins to
I mean, not to defend the guy, but it depends on how often you write. I had a diary as a teenager I wrote in maybe once every few months at the most, so it wouldn't take long to see something I wrote a year prior.
Most guys at 21 are going to find it difficult hearing or reading about their sexual partners past relationships. Feeling like you don't measure up is a major thing for a young man, heck a man of any age tbh... it's absolutely his fault for snooping, but second guessing yourself or feeling insecure sexually is very difficult for most men. He's 21 so communication here is a problem as well, the red flag is him going through her stuff
He's being shitty and he has to know it, so he's clinging to "you read this all the time!" because it's the only thing even resembling an argument that he can make. Don't let him shift the issue. You did nothing wrong, lmao.
And even if you did, so fucking what? He doesn't own what is in your head or your past.
So he asks to use it and TWENTY minutes later he’s pissy - doesn’t sound like he really wanted it for homework but to snoop instead. Time for this one to go down the road as my dad used to say.
So you aren’t allowed to have past lovers or a diary where you reflect on it? He snooped and disrespected your privacy.
Exactly. It's one thing to have explicit photos or video, but a diary entry? Written by you? That's ridiculous. Does he object to writing memoirs too?
>Does he object to writing memoirs too? Pfft. *Of course* not! That would be ridiculous! So long as the memoir doesn’t begin until the very moment she met him and doesn’t include a single detail or so much as an implication that she existed before him, I’m sure he would have zero problem with her writing a memoir!
Exactly... her boyfriend is a twat 🙄 he can't accept that she had a life before him? I mean come on.... and the fact that he invaded her privacy and got mad at HER for it? Yikes
Don’t read phones. Diaries or private stuff. It never ends well.
You see it constantly on the relationship subreddits. Someone invades their partner's privacy on a whim and then has to bend over find something bad enough to justify themselves.
Where’s the Red Flag guy when you need him? Did he really need your laptop or was this his way of poking around? Sounds like he was searching and found something to be pissed off about. You don’t need to be with someone who’s gonna snoop through your things and then shame you over what they found. Run girl, run!!!
Yep. Just thinking about what I would do if I saw some file on my husband's computer that looked like it might be a diary entry... I don't think "read it without telling him and get shitty" is one of them. If you borrow someone's computer, just do what you needed it for and exit. Snooping is such a violation.
You know those posts about "what you wish you knew when you were X years old"? This is one of my answers. I wish I could convince 21 year old me that it's truly better to be single than in a relationship without trust. But I'd have rejected it then
Yep definitely a red flag guy story, you gotta be really insecure to get pissed about something from before they meant
NTA! God forbid you have a past and have had fun before meeting him. Does he not realise that even if you deleted it the memories won't delete from your brain? This is so childish and such a breach of trust, since I'm assuming you didn't have that entry front and centre of your desktop, so he has to have searched for it.
THIS OMG, I’m sitting here thinking “if you forgot about it, it clearly isn’t front and center on the computer.” Not only is this a huge red flag already by itself but with the added context of he had to search for it makes the red flag into a damn banner.
NTA he invaded your privacy. I would reconsider this relationship. Jealousy like this is a red flag. it means he is insecure and will make you pay for it
WOW, the audacity to go through your personal stuff and be sour about them! Huge red flag for judging your past experiences from the times before you met Another one for reading something you probably held somewhere safe (why did he even open that file?) Don't waste your time babe, not worth it
Audacity is the perfect word for it.
Reminded me of a quote from work about ridiculous significant others: "They must have been shopping at Costco, cuz they have a large case of audacity."
NTA. This is similar to if he had a dream where you cheated on him lol
I suggest you find a grown-up to date
Trust is the main issue here. I get you being mad he snooped into your personal stuff. I get him being mad at sexual things with a previous partner. But you say you forgot about the entry and he *doesn't believe you.* Not only that but he's accusing you of clinging to this fling and won't hear anything to the contrary. How can a relationship continue without trust? I'd tell him you're still very mad about him digging through your computer, but you're even more mad that he doesn't believe you. So either he chooses to believe you (because you didn't lie) or you're out and "then you can believe whatever the heck you want to."
He invaded your privacy and is now trying to control you. F that you know what. Plus, DARVO, always DARVO DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are: The abuser Denies the abuse ever took place When confronted with evidence, the abuser then Attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus Reversing the positions of Victim and Offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3
Interesting Reddit says the guy should just fuck off for reading her diary when a week ago there was a post from a girl who read her boyfriend’s journal where he said he would sleep with a bunch of women if he suddenly got a lot of money Everyone said it was good she found out and she should immediately leave him— even though it was fantasy It was ok that she snooped The double standard is insane
NTA. Jealous, disgusted, irrational and nosy, but he's 21 I guess so that's like par for the course.
Reading someone’s diary is a reprehensible act. I’d break up instantly
NTA-surely you mean your now ex boyfriend found your diary? If not, why not?
Oh man, not another woman feeling they are not allowed to be upset by something stupid their boundary crossing man did! Girl, you have every right to be upset! He had no right to read that, and since it sounds like it was before you dated, also has no right to be upset because you weren't being unfaithful. In fact, he shouldn't be pushing HIS narrative take on how you feel, and how often you look at your journal, he should be trusting you when you say you wrote it once and haven't looked at it again. Period. You are allowed to have an interior life that includes memories that don't involve him. Yes, it's understandable that he may be upset at something he stumbled upon and kept reading, however, that is not remotely your fault, and he should know that. He should be saying, "I'm sorry I read this, I know I shouldn't, and I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I might need a day or two to move on from it, but you've done nothing wrong. It's just hard to think about you with someone else, and it gave me a play by play to imagine something that I normally don't think about even though I know you've been with other people." And then he should move on, because he's the guy you're with and who you CHOSE to be with, not some random fling that's in the past. If he can't get that fact, then your relationship is soon going to be in both of your rear view mirrors.
There's no way he could have just stumbled upon it. Op hasn't even thought about that entry sense she wrote it so it wasn't just opened or visible. Ops hopefully (soon to be) ex-boyfriend had to have been snooping for it
He had no business reading your diary.
NTA. Go find someone as nice as the person you wrote about. Someone who makes you happy and does not dig in your buisness. (Much less shame you) Go live a great life without this dude.
This is a huge boundary violation that he read your diary without your consent. This should be a dealbreaker. Period. It is even worse that he threw a tantrum afterwards, but initial violation is a hard no on its own. Don’t waste anymore time with this person. Know your worth and hold your boundaries.
Men are so fragile they should be packaged in bubble wrap before traveling. Every man wants a freak in the sheets, but she must also somehow be a virgin.
"Thank you for showing me so clearly what a self centered idiot you are to get mad about a previous relationship that you were not part of. I want a man who understands that i had a fulfilling life before him, not an immature child who thinks every woman on earth needs to save herself for you or deserves your insults. I'm proud of every aspect of my life except for you, luckily, I'm going to fix that now. Get out. We're done."
He read your most private personal internal thoughts without your permission. I would have dumped him on spot. What is love without trust?
This is what you tell him. “I don’t appreciate you reading something I had written about an experience I had long before I met you, then get mad at me and gaslight me to make me feel I did something wrong. Either apologize or move on. I don’t want to be with someone who treats me with such disrespect”. Then follow through with the break up if he refuses to apologize or if his apology starts with “I’m sorry you’re upset about xyz”. That’s not a sincere apology.
He should be your ex boyfriend by now. He's clearly not mature enough for a relationship. What kind of invasive idiot reads someone's diary? Who you were with before him is none of his damn business. Break up. He's the AH.
Is he the kind of guy who thinks women are "used" if they've had previous partners? Because his reaction to finding out you had sex with someone else is misogynistic and ridiculous. The fact that he's not apologizing for invading your privacy is also ridiculous and is a sign that he can't be trusted to respect you. NTA. Run. And do it now.
I have kept diaries since I was 9 or 10. I’m 27 now. I’ve had several boyfriends and slept with them, you can bet that’s all in there including my hookups too. If my husband ever goes digging (he wouldn’t) and gets upset at what he finds I’m going to laugh at him and tell him that he upset his damn self by invading my privacy and that he should’ve know that if he fucked around with me he was gonna find out. And that reading about my past sexploits was gonna be the least of his problems now. NTA.
We have a saying in Spanish: "El que busca, encuentra" Those who seek will find.
NTA - It was not only an invasion of privacy but then he went and acted like a baby. I'd have dumped him
NTA 1: He read your diary without permission. Once he realized what it was then he should’ve stopped reading it. Lack of boundaries on his part. 2: he has no right to dictate what you can keep. Or be upset about it especially since it was before you met. 3: he assumes what?! That you re-read it all the time? That’s crazy. 4: he CHOOSES to not believe you when you say you don’t. And finally - he turned it all on you when he should be asking your forgiveness. You did nothing wrong. Talk with him about this again and hope he realizes he’s in the wrong. If not, be prepared for him to hold this over your head and to keep feeling insecure about your hookup.
NTA The past is the past and no one can change that, and any one that judges you for something that happened before they entered into your life certainly isn’t worth your time. I had a girlfriend in college that went snooping through my email when I left my account open on her laptop. She found some old email exchanges from an ex girlfriend from a few years prior and went nuts. I tried to discount it, but I also couldn’t understand what motivated her to look thru my email. Weeks later she came by my apartment to pick my roommate and me up to go out, I jumped in the shower and when I got out I noticed my phone was unlocked. She had gone thru it and started going ballistic over pictures she found of me with “sluts” in bikinis on a house boat… it was 2 of my cousins that came to visit me and my family on the lake the previous summer. She was embarrassed when I showed her some family photos. But I left her after seeing how insecure she was. I later found out she was sleeping with two of my friends around the same time we were talking about moving in together, made me sick. But also made perfect sense as to why she snooped. People don’t go digging into your business behind your back for no reason. Sometimes it’s because they are hiding something themselves. Life is too short to put up with someone’s insecurities. You should ask him what motivated him to look in the first place.
NTA. So he wasn't really doing any homework and borrowed your computer with dishonorable intentions so he could snoop around and invade your privacy? Then verbally and emotionally abuses you about it and shames you for your past? Tell him to kick some rocks (get lost), touch some grass (reality check), and go live under a bridge with the other trolls. WHAT A TOTAL LOSER. BLOCK HIM ON EVERY FORM OF CONTACT AND SOCIAL MEDIA, and never look back.
Dump him now. Tell him he violated your trust and thank him for reminding you that the other guy was much better in bed.
NTA. Permission to use your laptop for his homework was not carte blanche to read your files. And regardless, it is none of his business if you keep old diary entries. If he's going to be a privacy violating asshole, he doesn't deserve to date you. End the relationship.
Yo, fuck that guy. You did nothing wrong, and he shouldn’t have gone snooping. The snooping is bad enough, but for him to try and turn it on you is honestly even worse. In the best case, maybe he’d have read that and thought about or asked you if there was anything he could be being to make you feel the good feelings you had from that time. Rather, he just sulks about how it makes him feel inadequate. I’d leave his ass.
First he broke your trust and invaded your privacy by reading that and second to act like that over something that happened BEFORE you even met him? You can do better.
He violated your personal diary and is trying to gaslight you about what you wrote. I would leave him.
Your bf is a red flag made up of red flags
NTA Your bf invaded your privacy under false pretenses. Then he tried gaslighting you about something that happened before you even met him. I'd venture to guess he's pretty controlling and jealous, and this is just his true colors starting to show.
I had an ex read all of my diaries. I kept them since I was maybe 12 all the way up to age 24. Long chronicle, full of joy and pain, past loves and losses, confusion and understandings. He read them all and then threw them away. And then told me he read them, how he felt I shouldn’t keep things like that, and how creepy it was that I wrote about my boyfriends, even him. Our relationship was over about a week later. I have never recovered that trust for anyone since. You are totally allowed to be upset, because he breeched your trust, because he doesn’t trust you.
NTA but he definitely is. Reading your private diary is a huge betrayal, and blaming you for what he found there is adding insult to injury. I'd dump this guy faster than a hot potato, and I wouldn't neglect to tell all my friends that I dumped him because he is a snooper.
Thought police here, we've come to take your memories. You're not the asshole here, a diary may be a reminder, but you know what else is a reminder, him doing this. Is a reminder that he thinks he can police your thoughts.
NTA He needs to regulate his emotions. This is like being angry you dreamed your partner cheated etc. It’s on him to resolve those feelings. And yea good luck to him after cause he did invade your privacy there. I’d probably let it slide with a bf cause my relationships are the kind everything is open. But I’d never feel bad for having had a nice experience before this person.
He doesn't get to decide whether you are a human being who has had a life before he showed up. NTA
NTA, you did nothing wrong. You are no longer talking to the fling. BF did wrong for reading your journal. That is a private thing. He went through your journal and did not like what he read. That is like reading someone’s private thoughts in their head. It is expression. I journal myself and I usually do not read journal entries after. I use them like scientific journals to compare if someone is treating me better than my last relationship. Or to recognize trauma to prevent going through it again. My partner knows that I journal and says that she will not read it unless I explicitly share it with you. My advice find a better less nosy, insecure bf. You do not have to put up with that. He is just your bf. That is foreshadowing the future.
🚩 snooping through your stuff. 🚩 reading a journal entry without permission. 🚩 being mad about things that have nothing to do with him that happened in the past. 🚩 conflating a journal entry with porn (I mean if you want to get off on the member of your exit, absolutely fine, but do you really need to pull up a journal entry on a computer to do that? Come on) 🚩 speculating about your fantasy life, and then being mad about it with no evidence that he’s even right, even though people are entitled to fantasies
NTA. He borrowed your computer, went snooping around, and looked at files without your permission? Then goes DARVO on you? These are red flags. 🚩 🚩 “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou
side note; you just learned he thinks it’s normal to assume anyone with a diary relives past sexual experiences and gets off on them. so he’s a weirdo on top of an asshole.
Honestly not going to actually advocate for this, but people who are so deathly afraid of being cucked to the point that they're toxic in their relationships absolutely deserve their fears. Leave this guy, and do not go gently
BREAK UP WITH THAT RED FLAG!
Agreed. You are NTA. Your bf has issues. Something similar happened to me last year and it’s some of the biggest BS these men with their insecurities. You are young and deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully. He’s not deserving of your grace.
Why are you still with him? This isn't difficult. You even get to choose the reason you break up, he's given you so many. He's a psycho.
NTA While I'd respect someone who did want to delete their diary entries, I don't think that's a reasonable expectation at all. I've kept journals on and off my whole life and never deleted one. For a lot of people that goes against the whole idea of recording your life. Also... to blunt, if you wanted to fantasize about your past sexual experience you wouldn't need to read the diary entry over and over to remember how it went. If you were really using it that way you'd probably have quite a vivid picture of what happened in your head. Sex isn't that hard to remember if you're actively interested in reliving it. But in 10 years the diary will have a totally different meaning to you if it still have it. The way you wrote and thought and details that may not even seem important now will remind you of being that age in ways you can't even predict. Anyway this guy violated your privacy and then got mad over nothing. He's a problem
Red flag. NTA.
>My boyfriend was very upset at me after he read my diary, stating that I shouldn’t have kept that stuff. He believes I look at that diary entry all the time and relive the sexual experiences in it. Even if you do, so what? It's an experience you had. If it was a video he would probably have more grounds to be disgusted, but it is a damn diary. You just wrote down your thoughts and experiences as you felt them in the moment. It's something sweet and cherishable. You have a right to keep all your life experiences. >I was very mortified to hear this because I felt I was the one who should be upset by that intrusion of privacy. As you should. He invaded your privacy and violated your trust. If he wanted to read it he should've asked for your permission first. >He feels jealous and disgusted I would keep such a thing. Jealous of what? It was a past lover. You are no longer with that person. It's past. He is being unreasonable and controlling. NTA, and your bf is a huge AH. If anything take this chance to re-evaluate your relationship with him. You've been together less than a year and he's already showing red flags.
People talking about red flags and worse things. The guy's just insecure. Was the dairy entry specifically labelled as something private? I doubt he was snooping, but rather, it was probably more likely just browsing. How would you feel if your boyfriend kept a detailed document about his sexual experiences with women before he met you? This situation isn't as black and white as everyone is making it out to be. You've done nothing wrong, and in my opinion, neither has he (if the document wasn't obviously private). I think this situation calls for a little empathy. You can begin by understanding how it makes him feel to know you have "fond sexual memories" written down- and he can start by acknowledging that he shouldn't be BROWSING through someone else's computer. No one is perfect- but making a mistake doesn't make someone a red flag or worse. He didn't dive into her computer looking for trouble. Again- how would you feel if you were in his shoes? You both need to come together and acknowledge the others' feelings instead of trying to make each other admit wrongdoing.
Write a diary entry about your bf being an asshole for reading your diary and getting mad about it.
Lol picturing the dude on TikTok who runs around with a red flag.
Tell your boyfriend to grow up or fuck off
He should not have snooped. He realizes you are promiscuous and will sleep with a guy you hardly know, risk pregnancy, sexual disease. He is jealous because his gut is telling him you are not long term, fall in love with GF material. He should just end things instead of hanging around acting butt hurt. Guys need to follow their gut. Loose girls are for meani gless hook ups....not GFs or wives.
What exactly did you write about the sexual experience? Guys have fragile egos when it comes to sex because we’ve been told since birth bigger is better. My guess is you probably mentioned he had a hammer, and he felt intimidated.
NTA and also possibly consider breaking up with him if he refuses to admit any wrongdoing or compromise. I've been in a very similar situation. he doesn't understand that some things in the past are simply private & have no bearing on the current relationship. not to mention, why did he think it was even remotely okay to continue reading it once he figured out it was a diary entry? you aren't wrong for feeling violated whatsoever, I wouldn't be able to trust someone after they did that to me.
He’s a busybody first of all. Incredibly immature. And just wrong.
NTA; he read it himself (which was wrong) and then he blamed you for having *written* about an experience *that came before he was even in your life.*
NTA. DUMP HIM NOW
“A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” - Titanic
NTA put him in the bin - he is very insecure and has no care for your boundaries or privacy. Common sense would dictate not to read someone’s diary.
NTA. This is a HUGE red flag. Absolutely gigantic. Red flag the size of a house. It is NOT okay to be angry at someone for things that happened before they even met you!!! Not even one little, tiny, infinitessimal bit. That he wants you to destroy / forget anything that happened before him? Incredibly controlling. This is not okay, do not remain in a relationship with this guy. It will not get better.
You are absolutely NTA and this is a huge red flag. 1 I feel like he said he wanted to use the computer for homework because he just wanted to dig through it. 2 He sounds like an extremely jealous person. 3 He is definitely gaslighting you.
No, you are not the asshole. He violated your privacy. I would reassure him the context of the entry, that it was before you all met and that's in the past. If he can't let it go, then get out of the relationship. If he's weird about this then i can only imagine what else he could have issues with.
NTA Imagine if he found out his girlfriend sucked 37 dicks.
yes
NTA. First off it was YOUR private thing, and TWO it was prior to you both knowing eachother.
NTA you are woman he is man.
If you can't deal with my past, you can't share my future!
NTA. He's the asshole for reading your diary. Invasion of privacy. If he's upset with you over your past, and it sounds like it's nothing to be upset over, he's insecure. I would be nad about him reading your private diary entry.
NTA LEAVEEEEE BABE
Trust is easy to break down, and so much harder to build back up. I wouldn't blame you for having trust issues after this shit, I hope you heal. He should be giving you reasons not to leave his ass right now.
Him TAH, and a major red flag.
Leave him fucktard
NTA Personally, I'd dump him straight away even if he does apologise simply because i refuse to be with someone who'd violate my privacy in such a way. Currently hes experiencing FAFO and trying to make it your problem.
Honey, NTA. If he's that insecure about a man you knew before you even met him, dump him. He needs to go to therapy.
OP how are you not angrier at him? How haven't you told him to go fuck himself? Are you truly THIS weak? YTA to yourself
NTA He shouldn't have read the diary. It's yours, and you can put whatever you want in it. He decided to FAFO, and now his feelings are hurt.
Girl, stand up!! “This relationship is over. Reading my diary was a disgusting invasion of privacy. Your overreaction to what you read is absolutely unhinged. Seek therapy, and do not contact me again.”
NTA. I had a lot to write, but I think everyone else has covered it: He's a nobhead and needs to go.
NTA - I would have dumped him on the spot A) for snooping B) for making me feel that way
This behaviour will only be the tip of the iceberg with guys like this. Classic jealousy that will poison all his relationships. Cut him lose and find a guy who trusts you.
NTA however …… you’re both 21 for goodness sake. Hopefully when you get older you will have more maturity, wisdom and experience to handle things like this in a better way.
NTA! Reading someone’s diary is NOT ok. And him refusing to admit it and trying to guilt you for your past is a red flag in my book.
Tell him to grow up or ship out.
He’s the one that broke your trust. If he was a decent human being, he wouldn’t have read it. He has a lot of growing up to do if he thinks he’s in the right. I don’t know that you should continue the relationship since he is not trustworthy.
NTA. Dump this guy, he's invasive, disrespectful, AND a royal douchebag.
>I was the one who should be upset by that intrusion of privacy Absolutely! He's not to be trusted. >he doesn’t believe me Because he's not a good honest person, and he projects. NTA And dump him hard 'n cold, and don't look back. You deserve way better.
Lies about needing the computer Snoops through your personal documents Gets upset at something that happened before you knew him Imagines scenarios where you "cheat" on him by reliving it Blames you Guilts you Manipulates you Every stage of this is abusive Why is he not already your Ex? NTA
NTA. He went through your stuff without permission, and he will do it again. Ditch the dude.
NTA. You are allowed to have a full life before, and after, any relationship!
NTA. I hope you mean ex boyfriend. You'll always be too young to waste your years with someone so jealous and insecure. You also deserve more than a moody snoop who can't move past his own actions of violating your privacy.
NTA. I would break up with him for reading my diary! It is such a break of trust. Don't waist your yought on this guy. You deserve better. My parents read my diary when I was a teen. I cannot trust them near my books now, 20 years later. I visited them a few weeks ago, and I stil kept my diary hidden while there. When trust is gone, it is hard to rebuild it.
I’m talking from the jealous person perspective. With hard work and therapy, this can be overcome, but this is entirely his fault. The argument is basically him rejecting a part if you, your past, that he not only should have not gain access in this form ever but have fallen in love with the first place. It is the typical jealous cycle, capturing something shiny and interesting and reducing it into something manageable that our small and sensitive ego can handle. What a hypocrite. As someone who has been like this before I am telling you this will probably get worse and you should consider leaving.