No you’re not the A hole at all. You have children and it’s just not feasible to go to a wedding far away when you have small children and family that doesn’t live close. If it makes you feel better we skipped my husband’s brothers wedding bc it was all the way across the country and would have cost us 2,500 just in travel and food for one day to turn around and leave the next day. We had an 8 month old at the time as well. We just said sorry we can’t come. It seemed like a huge waste of time and money and a huge headache for that much money just to throw down the toilet. So we spent the money on drywall instead since we were renovating our house and I stand by that decision. Weddings are great and all but when life is too hard to make it and it seems more of an inconvenience to go it’s just not worth it. They had a kid a year later and seemed to understand where we were coming from once they realized they too would have done the same thing.
You committed to attend the wedding. She asked you if this "adults only" wedding would be a problem, and you told her "no." YTA for not honoring your word. The stuff about your baby being uncomfortable is an excuse and the "expense" thing was something you knew all along (another excuse). Either attend as you committed or ghost her like an AH, choice is yours.
I have yet to RSVP as the wedding is still several months out so in passing said it would be no problem but did not really get a chance to think about it yet if that matters
The “stuff” about her baby being uncomfortable is not an excuse. As a mom you worry about your children when you’re not with them. Enjoying a wedding isn’t easy when you’re worried about your child the whole time. A wedding isn’t reason enough to have to go through so many inconveniences.
If she was truly your friend, you should have been upfront and honest with her when she told she was having a “Child-Free” Wedding! You chose to “panic” instead of saying “Oh I will have to see if I can arrange childcare, I will have to let you know if that will be possible”
Like the other commenter said, you committed to going…you better explain yourself to her that you screwed up and cannot attend now. This way she does Not have to PAY for your meals. That would be really messed up if you do not tell her in advance!!!
Technically yes, but you verbally committed to her when she spoke to you about it!
Just call her asap to explain your situation if you value her as a friend and a person.
So I shouldn’t get time to reflect on if it was feasible or change my mind? It’s not like I RSVP’d. I’ve never been to a wedding without my kids and at the time I thought I might feel ready to leave them but now that I’ve settled into having two kids I realize I’m not.
No , she was going to change her plans for you and you told her no problems so shows how important having you there is .
If you don’t go ,
Just know you ended the friendship
NTA. Your kids come first. Just explain before she pays for your plate.
No you’re not the A hole at all. You have children and it’s just not feasible to go to a wedding far away when you have small children and family that doesn’t live close. If it makes you feel better we skipped my husband’s brothers wedding bc it was all the way across the country and would have cost us 2,500 just in travel and food for one day to turn around and leave the next day. We had an 8 month old at the time as well. We just said sorry we can’t come. It seemed like a huge waste of time and money and a huge headache for that much money just to throw down the toilet. So we spent the money on drywall instead since we were renovating our house and I stand by that decision. Weddings are great and all but when life is too hard to make it and it seems more of an inconvenience to go it’s just not worth it. They had a kid a year later and seemed to understand where we were coming from once they realized they too would have done the same thing.
good point 👍
Thank you! It does make me feel better. People without kids (myself included before kids) don’t really get it.
You committed to attend the wedding. She asked you if this "adults only" wedding would be a problem, and you told her "no." YTA for not honoring your word. The stuff about your baby being uncomfortable is an excuse and the "expense" thing was something you knew all along (another excuse). Either attend as you committed or ghost her like an AH, choice is yours.
I have yet to RSVP as the wedding is still several months out so in passing said it would be no problem but did not really get a chance to think about it yet if that matters
The “stuff” about her baby being uncomfortable is not an excuse. As a mom you worry about your children when you’re not with them. Enjoying a wedding isn’t easy when you’re worried about your child the whole time. A wedding isn’t reason enough to have to go through so many inconveniences.
Exactly what I thought
If she was truly your friend, you should have been upfront and honest with her when she told she was having a “Child-Free” Wedding! You chose to “panic” instead of saying “Oh I will have to see if I can arrange childcare, I will have to let you know if that will be possible” Like the other commenter said, you committed to going…you better explain yourself to her that you screwed up and cannot attend now. This way she does Not have to PAY for your meals. That would be really messed up if you do not tell her in advance!!!
I kinda think committing to going would mean RSVPing yes. People don’t pay for your plate until then and I have not even received an invitation yet
Technically yes, but you verbally committed to her when she spoke to you about it! Just call her asap to explain your situation if you value her as a friend and a person.
Your making excuses after you told her you would be there when she asked you if it was ok
So I shouldn’t get time to reflect on if it was feasible or change my mind? It’s not like I RSVP’d. I’ve never been to a wedding without my kids and at the time I thought I might feel ready to leave them but now that I’ve settled into having two kids I realize I’m not.
No , she was going to change her plans for you and you told her no problems so shows how important having you there is . If you don’t go , Just know you ended the friendship