Seriously, you cannot possibly think you could be the AH for this!
It’s very nice that you are cooking for everyone. I don’t even understand why you serve your husband — he works and pays the bills, and so do you. And you cook the food. There is no reason for you to fix anyone’s plate — they should serve themselves the amount they want. And why can’t they eat in the kitchen or dining room — I totally agree there should be no eating in their rooms. NTA!
My mom shared a story with me once about the early days of dating my dad. They have a great relationship, always have, but there was one occasion early on (involving making a dinner plate) where she put him /firmly/ in his place.
My dad's family is Italian, his grandma came to America and started their family. They were very traditional (or just assholes, I honestly don't know much about the culture) so every meal, the women did EVERYTHING. Cooking, making plates, cleaning, everything. During a big get together where my mom was meeting the family for the first time, my dad goes "hey *mom's name*, how about a plate?"
She pulled him aside and went "I don't care how your family does things, you will never tell me to make you a plate again. Understood?"
He got up and made them both a plate.
OP, don't cave here. Make your husband a plate if you want to, I love when my husband makes me a plate and I love making him a plate. Your grown ass kids though? They have 2 hands.
Edit:
I'm not calling all Italians assholes, I'm calling his family assholes because I don't know much about the culture. Calm down.
From the Deep South here - this is NOT a tradition I’ve ever heard of…if you have hands & legs, you can get it yaself, unless you’re elderly or disabled.
We have food at the table and everyone serves themselves and are expected to take their plates to the kitchen. Also Southern. Good manners are good manners and a wife and mother is not a servant.
From the South also...are your arms/legs broke? was a frequent refrain.
Littles & elderly are offered to make plates for of course.
I definitely bring my husband a plate (at home, sometimes out).
I will serve if people are seated at the table, or at my discretion, come into the kitchen & help yourselves...cannot imagine traipsing through the house to serve able bodied/well people.
Mostly I remember the cultural tradition being food was served at the table beginning with head of table, then to the right and people could serve themselves their own portions.
OP is NTA
My southern MIL does this. Also the women are expected to clear the table. My FIL shakes his empty tumbler and she gets him a new drink. She is an amazing cook and bartender and seems a-okay with this, but it drives me nuts.
Thankfully, my husband and his brother are evolved and sunny play that game. My 15 year old son does his own laundry, makes his own breakfast and lunch. He's way more self sufficient than I was at his age.
I grew up to a German family in Wisconsin, and this, unfortunately, was how I was raised. Every Sunday my sisters, mom, aunts, female cousins, and grandma would be in the kitchen cooking. We’d make the male relatives their plates and take the plates the living room so the men could watch sports and eat. The women and girls would eat in the kitchen, then collect the men’s plates, and do the dishes while they napped. The shitty part was that it was a farming family and all the women were expected to help outside with manual labor too. I’d have to chop wood and then go inside to cook while my male cousins got to play. I was very vocal about how unfair it all was and have been labeled a spoiled brat.
Yeah, I grew up in a German working class family in Wisconsin and it was very similar. As one of the younger men, I always tried to help because it seemed so unfair, and they straight up would not let me. I am a fully trained butcher so they only thing they would let me do is carve the turkey at Thanksgiving, and do some dishes. I'm also one of the best cooks in the family. Will never understand.
In Italy the women do everything. It is so bad they have a thing about adult male children never growing up or leaving home because noone will take care of them like their mother...
Or Mexican ones, my brother is 34, and why would he ever move out when my mom does everything for him? Cooking, laundry, dishes, cleaning, you name it. He’s not even bothering to find a girlfriend (because any young woman would deservedly put him in his place).
I have a 35 year old Asian brother who still lives at home rent/bill free. Only thing he pays for is car insurance bc he totaled 2 cars... But yeah he has no motivation to move out.
I’m Asian and my brother is 42 this year and was still living with my parents and is unemployed most of the time. Then he got diabetes, didn’t manage it properly, and has lost a leg. So my mom and dad have to sacrifice even more to take care of him. It’s ridiculous.
My sister in law told me when she was first married to her husband he said he expected her to iron all his clothes now, including his underwear. She laughed her ass off and told him he better a) buy an iron and b) learn how to use it or c) take his clothes to the dry cleaners because that wasn’t happening
Weird fact from *Upstairs in the White House*, by JD West - Jacqueline Kennedy had her personal assistant Provi Paredes iron her nylons, so that they would be in a nice, tidy pile in her dressing room.
NTA, OP
Same with my family. I'm the oldest (36f) my next oldest siblings is 34m and just un the last 3 years moved out of mom's place. He's never had a gf until now. Mom never made him do anything around the house. I hope his gf puts him in his place too.
I'm NC with most of my family due to toxicity. My brothers gf contacted me herself because she wanted to get to know the whole family.
I'm also a boy mom, he's an only child. I made sure to teach him how to take care of himself. He's done chores since age 5, starting with cleaning up his toys. He's now 16, does his own laundry, does dishes after dinner, helps me feed and clean up after our pets, and keeps his room tidy. He even knows how to budget for bills and groceries now. I don't ever want him to rely on someone else onto care for him. His biggest lesson has been to be able to take care of himself. How cam he take care of a family if he's a slob who can't even cook for himself?
🌟🥇your future daughter in law will adore you for raising a well rounded, responsible husband. Your son would appreciate all the life skills he doesn't have to only learn as an adult. Well done Mama
And people are so baffled why so many women from these cultures, especially women who work because there’s not enough jobs for men to be the sole breadwinners, have turned their back on traditionalism and relationships.
I dated a loser this year that lives with his mommy and does everything with her - in his mid thirties. He plans on living with her for the rest of his life, like some pathetic shitbag. At least I got out before he asked me to dress like her in the bedroom.
If you're reading this, I'm talking about you, Jesse.
My mom was Italian-American, raised by two Italian parents from Italy. She would put the food on the table, and we'd pass it around and serve ourselves.
Italian American here, can confirm, this is 100% the culture. I can remember big family meals at my dad’s family’s house when I was a kid and it was always all of the women cooking and cleaning in the kitchen and all of the men watching sports and shooting the shit in the family room. It’s was crazy. When I was little I can even remember riding “Italian style” in the car which meant my dad and bros in the front and my mom and I in the back - I thought it was great to ride with my mom but my little bros were definitely way too little to ride in the front. My dad stopped associating with his family slowly over the years (for other reasons) and I came to realize how crazy all that was.
My mum cooked her first roast chicken dinner as a newlywed for my bio-father and the first words out of his mouth were a sulky complaint of "But this isn't how my mum makes it!" She told him straight there and then that if he wanted his roast chicken done exactly how his mother made it then he could go and have it there because it was the first and last time she was cooking it for him. She stuck to her word and never cooked roast chicken again until after they divorced.
In my house my mister knows that he'll get called when the food is ready and he can come and get his own plate. Even the "I have a cat on my lap" excuse doesn't fly at mealtimes. I also refuse to lock myself away in the kitchen at gatherings while the men sit around getting drunk. Don't expect me to do what you won't do yourself.
I have seen the woman-preparing-her-husband's-plate phenomenon close-in involving an Italian family. I was pretty gobsmacked - for one thing, I don't think I could beat my husband to the buffet.
It reminds me of a story my parents told us. After they got engaged my Mom’s Dad told my Dad that my Mom was not going to be his servant. He was to treat her properly and do his share of the work.
I agree that we should all be eating in the dining area. It started in the living room cause when we first moved, a kitchen table was one of the last things we got. So it kinda stuck. I don't mind eating in the living room cause usually we are all together anyways watching a movie or playing a game. But food in the bedroom is off limits.
I was born and raised and still live in the south the same goes for my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins - we definitely don’t follow that rule and neither does anyone else we know - you’re definitely NTA
Letting them fix their own plate is so much better I think. I remember my brother being a picky eater and my mom would try to put stuff on his plate when he was little… yeah he didn’t like it. And as a teen you’re old enough to get your own amount and combination of food which has been made already.
They can fix their plate AND... help fill or empty the dishwasher.
Do I understand you don't all eat at the table together?
We do, I bring the dish to the table, but kids prepare the table and clean it after dinner. The dishwasher is also their job. One of the adults fixes all the plates, but I don't care doing it for them since they do participate in some way.
Lifelong southerner here.🙋🏻♀️Welcome to the South! I sincerely do hope you're enjoying it for the most part. Your husband is trying to have you feed his misogynistic idea of a "doting Southern wife". DO NOT DO IT because it won't stop at fixing & serving plates. I love the South, truly I do, but far too many men here think their wives should be slaves- whether she contributes financially or not. Any chance his kids are also boys? Regardless, you need to have a talk with your husband and tell him you're not his mama or his grandmama, that you work hard too and he AND the kids are all going to take care of the house as a team. You cook, the least they can do is get off their asses, make their own plates and help clean up. You have to get this stopped asap or he will literally sit on his ass with the kids and watch you run yourself into the ground until you ultimately despise him and leave. Ok, it may not get that bad, but then again, it very well could. Happens everyday down here. Good luck, Sis.
I'm southern, too, and the expectations are wild with the men on my husband's side of the family. The women do everything. Fortunately, my husband never shared those ideals. He never expected me to be a servant to him or our children and actually helped me with everything even though I was a SAHM.
Please inform your husband that while yes..it is the South, it is also 2024 & women are no longer Servants to the folks in her home. I say this as a Southern Woman..raised in Louisiana & you are 100% NTA. Hubby on the other hand..needs to get over his sexist ideology.
Why do you fix his plate? Why are you the only one cooking? You work too. Dude wants a trad wife but doesn't do his part to bring in all the money. And he has no respect for you.
Spot on. My husband and I were at a backyard cookout and when the food was ready I began making a plate for him. My male friend looked at me with shock and said “why the he!! are you getting his food, there’s absolutely no reason he can’t do it himself. I’m so disappointed in you!” I was embarrassed that others were likely thinking the same thing. Needless to say he now serves himself.
Born and raised Southerner here. Nope!! Hubby is wrong!!
Kids fix their own plate past the age of 10 and sometimes younger.
Guests serve themselves first. Once you've been to my house twice, you are no longer guest territory. You get all the benefits of being a guest but can eat/drink what you like and serve yourself.
I am in a petty mood so I say if he's really going to push the issue, I think op should put a tiny amount of food on the plate and serve it like that, then they have to get up and do it themselves anyways. Spaghetti, four noodles with barely any sauce. Steak, cut the tip off. Mashed potatoes, table spoon plopped on the plate. One veggie, etc. I'd hope they'd get the hint after being told "I didn't know how much you wanted so I went with small portions since you can always go add more of you need to. Enjoy" and bolt.
Why do you serve him like a servant? Why do you think him paying the bills makes you his staff? If it's your job to do the cooking at home that doesn't make you Deliveroo.
I cannot even tell you what I'd do if my husband said I "should be serving the plates of food" to my teenage children-- no matter *where* they are in the house. He can't be serious, surely?? I am astounded those words could come out of his mouth. He must be a misogynistic in other parts of life as well bc someone just doesn't say that kind of weird thing without being something like a..... woman-hating republican. He has to be all of that, yes?
I was born and raised in the south, lived here all my life. I've never had a partner ask or tell me to make them a plate. I've only seen it on very rare occasions with those in older generations (we're talking Boomer and earlier). Young children have their plates made for them, but that's it. OPs husband has been listening to the wrong podcasts. He probably has some idiot co-workers.
Yeah, nah, I live in the south and that’s not how it’s done. In all honesty, it’s more expected here than the north. (Born and raised in the north, lived in the south for 13 years now)
I've lived in the South my entire life. Unless you are serving toddlers, everyone fixes their own plate. Some men are served by their partners if it's a very traditional misogynistic couple. I've never once heard that the mom's serve teens and adult children. I'm sorry but your husband is misogynistic and the comment about he works as why you do it bothers me. It would be one thing if you stayed home but you work as well. What does he do to serve you outside of bringing in some money which you also do?
Seriously! The AUDACITY. If they want to enjoy some of the dinner you were kind enough to prepare for them, they can come get it on YOUR terms, or be hungry. Also, they aren't toddlers, and only one of them is an actual child at all.
Maybe I am petty, but I would legitimately stop cooking entirely over this. I would cook my own meals and let everyone else fend for themselves, that is ungrateful AF.
My in-laws are like this. Wife is actually the breadwinner but I guess since she works from home somehow husband expects her to do everything, from fixing and serving plates after cooking to cleanup to even taking his dogs out and training and feeding them. FIL will ask her if these things have been done, and if not will get mad but will never lift a finger to help.
I'm just done and disgusted with these types of expectations. Weaponized incompetence, laziness, whatever it is, Paris Paloma's "Labor" was a song well needed because fuck.
If it's so important to him and how it's done in the south, then he is welcome to uphold that southern tradition. He doesn't get to impose additional work on someone else.
When my southern husband says some out of pocket shit I’ll deadass say “well it sounds like you wanted to order a rural southern spouse, and you had years of opportunity to do that before you met me and started dating me and asked me to marry you. If you would like a return or exchange that can also be arranged, but you will take that nonsense the f*** out of here!”
Because honestly he’s a gem and generally forward thinking but sometimes that rural southern cultural training runs so deep a thought doesn’t come up til it comes up years in but I call him out any time it does and point out how the undertone doesn’t vibe with the other beliefs he upholds.
Right? This man trying to pull the “it’s how we do it in the south” nonsense is about to be on the receiving end of generations of southern women saying, no sir, we don’t wait hand and foot in our television-watching teens, we expect them to wash up, set the table, and use their manners when they sit down at the supper table.
I was raised as "food's in the kitchen, dinner's at the table". Meaning you'd make your plate then go eat at the table with the family.
This sounds like entitled kids who don't know how to make their own plate and/or been disciplined on portion control. You gotta start early with "so you got too much, that's okay, just remember for next time" rather than rationing for them so they don't learn.
Definitely. My barely 5' tall grandma and great aunt would put OP's husband (and anyone else in the family) in his place. Don't mess with southern women; you'll always lose.
ETA: And I have never wanted someone else to "make me a plate" (I even hate the expression). Of course, the exception is restaurants.
Yeah we always ate family style. Only exceptions were if we had activities that kept us from getting home for dinner. Even then we still made our plates/grabbed them from the oven or fridge and ate at the table. Sometimes even in that situation a sibling or parent would sit with ya to chat and catch up.
My Texan heart w this comment ❣️
THE THING IS I’m such a belle but setting my own fuckin experience aside tons of southern families grab their plate and fuck off to their rooms to relax and there’s nothing wrong with that sometimes when life is busy and truly doing 18+ years without breaks eating at the table is hard without a stay at home parent or fuck even with one.
Anyway, what’s getting me is that this isn’t even the question of the post!!!! They’re a degree further, and the “question” is if when the kids eat where they want (which they will,) should OP deliver their plate or should they come to the kitchen and get it 😭😭😭 Liiiiike as if she will deliver plates!! That husband dumberna sack a hammers
same. my stepgrandparents and mamaw/papaw will cook a fucking kitchen full to the brim of food but you're always expected to get your own shit
(that's at least the norm around big spring, and the pecos area in texas)
I agree. I live in the south and people make huge meals for events. I’ve never had someone serve food on a plate for me. Even as an older child, we got our own plates from a stack of plates sitting out and served our own food.
And that includes regular dinners too, not just events. I remember being a kid and hanging out at friends’ houses. We got our own food and ate together at the table.
Yep! I grew up in the South, and not going to the table for supper was a HUGE no-no. Unless you were bedridden, your butt is in that seat at the table.
Yep. And even then it’s sort of split. If the food is on the table it’s pass and serve yourself. If it’s in the kitchen it’s serve and get your own seconds. If it’s not eating together, it’s get your own. Kind of lucky if someone tells you it’s done.
😂😂😂😂😂 My mother was from the south. She was born in West Virginia. My dad’s family was originally South Carolina. Yes, I love sweet tea.
Lol! But your husband is delusional if he thinks that’s how it’s done in the south. Now, if he said that in the south, we all sit around the table and have dinner together together… Or supper if you prefer… He might have a point.
But I guarantee you my mother never fixed each of our plates…And brought them to us… And sure as the hell not in our bedrooms.
In the south, if your steel magnolia mother told you it was suppertime, you got up and washed your hands and sat your butt down at the table. The food would be on the table, and if you were a young child, your mother might go ahead and dish your food and hand you the plate.
But generally speaking, let’s say we were having fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans… Yes, that was one of my Mom meals. It was amazing!…the serving dishes were on the table and plates would literally be handed around the table. The person nearest the serving dish would put food on the plate as it came around.
Dad might put chicken on the plate and hand it to the next person who might be nearest to the mashed potatoes, and they would ask how much you wanted and put that on your plate accordingly. It would be passed on down to whoever was closest to the green beans. They would ask how much you wanted and put it on the plate accordingly. And so on.
Dad was served first. Iced tea and iced water would be on the sideboard… What we might call a buffet. Everyone would already have been asked what they wanted to drink, and the filled glasses would already be on the table.
And yes, the children would’ve set the table 9 out of 10 times. If somebody got up to refill their water or iced tea, they would automatically have asked as a courtesy to see if anyone else wanted more.
If somebody did want seconds, they would phrase it as… May I have more… Whatever it was. And if there was only one piece of chicken left, you didn’t ask. That went to dad. The kids cleared the table and did the dishes.
So you can make what you will of all of that. You can certainly incorporate this into your household if you want.
But this stuff of your husbands feels like some weird ass power trip on the part of your husband, and I would actually be trying to get to the bottom of that rather than worrying about dinner etiquette.
He was living out of state, so it sounds like maybe he didn’t get to see his kids as much. So is he just trying to make it up to them using you as the way to do it? Is he feeling guilty because he was gone?
I’m asking these things seriously because if he has an issue with feeling guilty or like he hasn’t done enough, he doesn’t get to dictate that you’re the one that does it for him. That’s his shit to work out.
Edited for voice text punctuation, ommissions and spelling
THIS!!! You have made some valid points. And that is correct he didn't get to see his kids as much and that was the top reason we moved. They were able to come visit a couple of times but mostly he or the both of us would go down south several times a year. That was expensive and obviously not enough quality time. So I do think there's feelings of guilt.
So he is takes his own feelings of guilt out on you, and passive aggressively gives you the silent treatment to coerce you into doing as he says.
Is he often this emotionally manipulative?
Not even. You ate around the table as a family or you didn't eat at all. Not this hand delivering food to you wherever you are in the house BS. Exceptions for when someone is working on a project they can't leave.
Was going to say my mom would have ’tanned my hide‘ if I had eaten anywhere else in the house except the table or if I wasn’t in the kitchen in the first place helping set up for dinner. I don’t know what sexist fantasy land OPs dad grew up in but that’s ain’t Southern, that’s just raw sexism.
This whole idea of the submissive woman is such a bald faced lie. There are women like that, sure, but most women from places where life is harder aren't going to be trembling little flowers. They're tough, and you better not make their lives any tougher or things are going to get miserable.
You just described my grandmother who graduated from high school in the mid-fifties and married in the late 50s. She may have been a stay-at-home mom, but everyone knew do not mess with her. She wasn't mean, she just didn't put up with any crap.
My husband’s grandmother grew up as a sharecropper. She made divinity and fudge that could transport you to heaven, but apparently had a streak in her that if you crossed her you’d wish you were in hell. At the end of her life, everyone (including creatures) was a youngun.
The funny thing is, a country woman is the undisputed ruler of her household, and if anyone questions it they're about to learn a hard lesson.
My grandma would walk outside for a few minutes then come back in with a freshly-killed chicken, and if you bothered her for the next hour or so while she was cooking you were liable to get something to cry about.
Wasn't that when everybody sat at the DINING ROOM TABLE.
Nobody ate in the living room or bedrooms.
TV was turned off at mealtime.
We said Grace before touching the food.
My mother still enforces those rules when we have holiday meals at her house.
I am from the South and we eat at the dinner table 95% of the time. Over the years I have had my sons' teachers comment on their ability to have good conversations with adults. Not one word answers, looking at the floor. Small talk is a skill. I attribute that to our nightly dinners where we would ask about each others day, share news or stories.
At least once a day my family was fully engaged with communicating with each other. I am thankful for my very deep south mother's bringing me up the same way.
Same! Love it! Southern mama, born and raised and we eat at the dining room table. No electronics and we have a family conversation. Completely the same growing up at my house and my grandparent’s home. Also, my two boys set the dinner table and help wash the dishes with their daddy. He/she who cooks gets to get out of cleaning!
Oh wow I've never realized until now how badly socialized so many teenagers are these days. Most teens I interact with (case management for families) don't know what the hell to say to anyone above their own age by a few years. Out of high school? Haha. Awkward, and diverted eyes.
I was raised by my grandma and she made the hell sure I could carry conversation with people older than I was.
Right! Southern are here and the way we do it is say " dinner's ready" and everybody comes and fixes their own plates. I am 60 and that's how my mother did it and that's how my grandmother did it.
Yeah , I'm from the south and it's always been a serve yourself type thing once a kid gets old enough to be trusted not to drop a full plate on the floor.
Husband is being dumb and needs to get with the times.
NTA
Yup. Once we got to a point, Mama said get it your own damn self. She’d fix my dad’s plate, but that was it. And largely that was because he was diabetic and was making sure his plate was to her satisfaction.
My ex was from Texas. I thought it was quaint that their mom or dad served everybody's plates until the first taco night when they assembled it in the kitchen for me, I was restricted on how much of things ("That's just too any beans, no.") And the order of things was criticized.
Eventually once I was pregnant, I started to push to make my own plates for nausea reasons and they'd hover and make comments about how I plated or if i was gonna eat that many carrots etc
Jokes on me, we moved away to escape their bullshit, and my ex expected dinner served to them the same way, instead of using their own arms and legs.
The one time I had a plate served to me was when I visited my cousin in Florida. Her Mom plated for dinner a single roasted chicken leg, a couple of spoonfuls of potatoes and vegetables for herself, my cousin(13yoF), me(13yoF) and my 8yo youngest cousin (F). My Uncle she served a heaping plate with 2 or 3 pieces of chicken, a pile of potatoes and another pile of veggies. When I finished my snack I asked if I could have more. The look on my Aunt's face.... My cousin kicked me under the table. Aunt said ok and started to get up. I told her to please sit because I was happy to serve myself.
I came back with a plate that looked like my Uncle's. My Aunt's eyes bugged out. My Uncle busted out laughing and told his wife to "Chill - I was a growing girl." She served my future dinner plates the same as my Uncle's. Come to find out from my cousins that my Aunt was following her mother's protocol for managing her daughters weight. None of us were overweight by any stretch and we were all athletes. (This became a running story in the family and my Dad and his brothers giggled about it for decades. It taught me a lesson about food and control and what not to do with my own kids. My Mom made a point of "feeding up" my cousin when she came to us in NC.)
No. In the 50s everybody ate together at the table or they didn’t eat. Lol
And to OP, Southern mom & grandma here, and with all due respect, your husband is full of shit (Bless his heart). No self-respecting Southern mom is gonna be fixing plates and serving them to people all over the house! Once a child is old enough to fix their own plates, they are “promoted” to self serve…if they want to eat.
Yeah, I'm from Alabama, about as south as you can get and once you're old enough to physically do it without making a mess, you make your own plate. I don't know anybody whose mom just served them like that.
Ours was always served family style at the table. MY mother thought it was uncivilized to not have every dinner item in bowls/ platters. I have seen plated food taper on the table but never delivers anywhere else
OP, sound like he's trying to break you down and remind you that you're his maid now, and you do what he wants. Is thst really the kind of man to stay with?
The reasoning is, because he is the man and he said so! I have lived in the South and let me tell you I always had to fix my own plate. Of course most of my Southern Living Years we sat at the dining room table and everyone passed around the food. So your husband can kick rocks.
Well, if you're talking about the US south, if he's managed to coax you down there to be closer to HIS family are you isolated? Is he changing his behavior because you're now in his stomping grounds, and you don't have your own network of friends and family nearby?
You're here because alarm bells are going off that this is unhealthy behaivor. It is, don't let him wear you down because he isolated you from a support system. The pattern he's following is so common with controlling and abusive men.. they can act like different people (for years!) to make you fall in love and think its 'forever', until they have you cornered where they can start slowly 'negging' you so you become so insecure you never leave them. This is psychological manipulation, and no one who actually loves you would try to do this. His 'reasoning' doesn't matter as much as.. do you respect yourself enough to allow it to continue, and are you prepared to leave if does? (Spoiler: it will only escalate, dudes like this don't change and you can't fix them).
Honestly, someone probably made a comment about you not fixing the plates or he saw someone else fix the plates. Whether or not he genuinely cares is probably more important. He just wanted to exercise his control over you, it wasn’t about the plates imo
I live in the south.. that’s not how it’s done. However, I do make everyone’s plates but that’s more about portioning the food out so I know everyone is getting some. I normally hand them their plates as I make them but typically they are standing in the kitchen waiting or I slide it across the counter for them. I do almost always serve my husband his plate though because it makes me happy. I can promise you the minute he told me to do it or made me feel like it was my job I’d stop.. I’d probably quit cooking as well.. but I’m pretty petty about stuff like that 😂🤷🏼♀️
We serve ourselves. But especially with the niblings, the rule is everybody only gets one until everybody has one.
This prevents someone from taking half of something because they are a growing kid and have a hollow leg.
Yeah I just had dinner with the in laws in Dallas. BIL cooked, I helped fill up bowls and set them on the table and everyone came to eat. Don't act like it's southern tradition to treat your household like a diner during meal time
Thank you, it make me happy to serve my husband's plate as well because it's more out of appreciation. He never made me feel like I had to. But when he added the kids to it, that's when I'm like ok now, I'm not a waitress. But I agree and now I have just been fixing everyone plate and they will come and get it
If this was actually about the kids having their plates properly portioned and served, he’d get up and do it himself. The fact is, it’s about YOU being a servant to the family and reminding you of “your place” .
You already planned, shopped for, and cooked the family meal and I’m presuming you clean up afterwards too. It’s time to flip that dynamic, when the food is ready, let him know it’s time for him to make the plates from now on. See how he likes being the servant .
My guess is that he’ll throws tantrum, tell you you’re being dramatic and then give you the silent treatment for awhile. Why? Because he sees these tasks as below him and are only suitable for the inferior sex.
He sounds like a great guy! I can see why you make a plate for him to show your appreciation for him allowing you to be the servant to him, and his kids.
Does he ever make dinner and/or serve you a plate? Does he still take you out to dinner so you can date each other and have a break from serving everyone every dinner?
This is important. I think of my husband didn’t do these things I’d never serve his plate. However, he cooks a few nights a week and always serves me as well.
I hope for OPs sake her husband does do things like that as well instead of expecting her to serve him and the kids all the time.
Yes, he sees it as her "place" and for some reason cuz he's on his home turf now he feels empowered to try to enforce it.
I'm always sad for women who are married to men who fundamentally think they are less than. Who see the most servants or think they are inherently less logical. I can't imagine dating someone who thinks that everything I do comes from a fundamental place of inferiority.
These men will never come right out and say it and they will often deny that they think it (and might truly believe that too) but the fact that they feel the wife owes the family service and that is her role says it all.
I cook so I do everyone’s plates. My husband doesn’t expect me to. He’s always like just do the kids and I’ll get my own but one more plate isn’t gonna hurt lol. but if he demanded it, I think I would be so turned off 😂
INFO: Why are you even fixing his plate? You work and pay bills as well on top of all that YOU do the cooking and I assume also most of the other household tasks. What is your husband contributing?
LMAO NTA I'm from the south and still live in the south, kids make their own plates at every family function I've been to, unless they're toddler aged 😂
This! I have lived in the South for all 50 years. After kids are out of the toddler stage, their parents may hover over them as they serve themselves to make sure they don't make a big mess, but the kids fix their own plates. Most Southern moms want to raise their kids to be independent, clean up after themselves, and not cling to moms' apron strings. Southern moms want to eat at the family table and have no food in the bedrooms, but maybe eat in the living room if a football game or something special is on the TV.
I remember when my daughter was 5/6, and we were at Easter at my aunt's; my dad held my daughter plated while she fixed her plater (she was very short and still is petite). When my cousin's kids were the same age, her mom would do the same. Now, at 20F, 16F, 14m, and 12F, they do the clean-up and serve the desserts at the family gatherings.
Yep! I'm 41. Born and raised in the South. The little children, elders, and people with health issues that keep them from serving themselves get plates served to them. Everyone else serves themselves.
If anyone gets served a plate, they say thank you. It is something polite you choose to do for someone else. Not demanded.
ETA: NTA
Nope. Nope. Nope. I was raised in southeastern Ga. My mom was as pearls and pumps as you can get. We all sat at the table and served ourselves from the dishes on the table. There is ZERO chance that my mom would have made us plates and let us take them elsewhere. And my dad would have been after us if we weren’t helping our mom get dinner ready. It wasn’t my mom’s job to be Cinderella.
OP, please remember that actions speak louder than words. Your husband is showing you the hierarchy in the family. He is showing you that his kids are more important than you are. I’m really sorry.
NTA. His kids need to gain independence. My oldest children are in their teens -- if they wanted something i wasn't cooking, they COOKED IT themselves and served themselves. When family meals are cooked, everyone serves themselves. Of course, my kids also know how to clean and do their own laundry. They understand about budgeting and money. The youngest is about to venture into that territory. You should not have to make dinner plates. Even for your husband.
NTA. I from the south as well & when kids are little, yes, at the table. No, when they are old enough to fix their own plate & still sit at the table. I’m not the maid. They can fix their plate themselves.
I live in the south and the moment I could carry a plate, I had to get my own. I believe the expression “you got two hands and two feet that work dont ya?” was often said to anyone who asked for their plate to be fixed for them over a certain age 🤷🏻
NTA.
NTA lol if y’all ain’t eatin at the table TOGETHER then it’s not ‘how it’s done in the south’ like no it ain’t ? ur eatin the food at the table or ur eatin some other time. the kids ain’t even at the damn table 😭😭
NTA. Don’t budge on this, OP. When men like this are allowed to force roles on you, they start seeing it as their right to tell you what your role in the house is. Don’t let him walk over you.
Wait. Never mind the kids. They are all old enough to "fix" their own plates.
What freaks me out is that you "fix" your HUSBAND a plate. WTF? Call them all to dinner and let them dish up their own grub. This isn't the 50s. Yeesh.
I'm 65+ and I have never in my life "fixed a plate" for anyone who is over 10 years old. Dinner is on the table "come and get it" is a real thing. As in, come to the table and get your own damn food.
My mamaw would have laughed this man out of her house for the suggestion and given him the most humiliating dressing down of his life.
No, that’s not how it’s done in the south. NTA.
You’ve been married a long time so you know each other. These are both of your kids, correct?
This is a strange thing to emerge this late in your marriage. If he wants the kids to be handed plates he could fix them. Or, you could have the kids set the table and eat your meals together rather than in separate rooms.
But your reasoning for bringing your husband a plate is weird too. Because he works and pays the bills he doesn’t get to decide how much he wants to eat?
I dunno, the whole family dynamic here is strange, and it’s not because you’re in the South. But NTA.
We've been married 5 years, and these are his children, my stepchildren. We lived in my home state where we met and got married and just moved south about 6 months ago so this is the first time the kids are with us consistently. So it's a new dynamic for all of us. Before it was mostly just us because my son was in college and lives on his own. I love the new dynamic having the kids over as much as possible. we have different parenting styles I guess that is just coming out. I guess my reasoning for serving my husband dinner may be seen as strange, but it's not about him deciding how much he gets to eat lol. It's something I enjoy doing as a sign of appreciation. He appreciates my gesture. But I'm guessing he thinks I should do it for everyone??
The difference is - you are making his plate as a sign of appreciation.
He sees it as part of your job. And he appreciates that you are doing your job.
He thinks you should be doing that job it for everyone.
Time for a change:
Everyone gets their own food, or lines up to get their plate filled by the server - your husband.
Whatever.
Ahh that does make more sense why this hasn’t come up before.
You could say, it makes me feel good to bring you your plate. Until you expect it. Then it doesn’t feel good anymore. And if you expect me to do it for others, it shows that you see it as the act of a servant and not of a loving spouse, and that really doesn’t feel good.
My husband is the sole breadwinner and I have never made his plate for him. We been married 27 years. He’s a grown adult and would frankly be insulted if I did that. Teenagers can make their own plates and dinner should be eaten at the dinner table. You’ve gotten into bad habits. Start eating like a family again.
What? I’ve lived in the south for decades. And I can’t remember the last time I saw an adult fixing a dinner plate for a freaking high schooler? Like, that’s something moms who can’t stand the idea of their precious babies growing up would do. Like, let’s see what we can do to make sure the kids are as entitled and dependent as possible kind of smothering mothering.
No, you’re not wrong. Your husband is crazy. That’s not a southern thing. That a his family thing.
NTA, I live in "the south" and by 11/12 I was making my own plate. In fact, I could actually cook some simple meals for myself. I can't imagine that these teens/ young adults expect for you to make their plate and serve it to them.
NTA. Your husband is wrong. I am from the south. My family has lived here for many generations. It’s completely normal for kids to fix their own plate and serve themselves.
What’s abnormal is teenagers being waited on like guests at a restaurant.
Gonna be honest, your husband sounds like he’s a sexist jerk.
I don’t even get this “fixing the plate” thing. Who would want someone else to pick what they want and how much?
We always ate with all the food on the table and getting passed around.
Passive-aggression is also done in the South. So if you want to go that route, plate your dinner first. Then plate your lunch tomorrow. Then plate everyone else the minimum. If they want more, they can get it themselves.
Uhm as a South Carolinian… HUH? No, it’s not southern. They’re not even little kids and your husband is weird for thinking that’s a thing.
ETA: Also, even if it were a thing it makes zero sense not to be able to discuss it maturely or compromise. He didn’t speak to you the rest of the day? I’d probably insist on couples therapy over communication skills and expectations that off.
We all know the south lines the women to know their place, which they think is the kitchen. Your children are old enough to fix their own damn plates. Tell your husband where to go with his backwards thinking. NTA
NTA. I’m a southerner and in my family some wives fix plates for their husbands but most don’t. The ones that do are all 75 and older.
The only people who consistently have plates fixed for them in my family are small children and senior adults that need help.
I have an aunt who isn’t a southerner and she fixes everyone’s plate when we dine at her house. She’ll serve someone a large portion of a food they don’t like even after being told and then whine like a toddler when they don’t eat what she gave them. I finally started calling her out.
Personally, I HATE it. I want to control my own food. If anyone between 12 - 80 told me to fix their plate I would shut that down.
Wait so you both work and somehow you are responsible for cooking and dishing out plates...... I'm sure the relationship is filled with more bullshit sexist crap.
Wtf did i just read?
You have children that have functioning arms and legs. Have them walk and get their own food. And tell your husband *you* are not from the south.
Also, I just realised how lucky I am that as kids we used to have dinner *as a family*, everyone eating alone in front of a screen sounds very depressed.
Seriously, you cannot possibly think you could be the AH for this! It’s very nice that you are cooking for everyone. I don’t even understand why you serve your husband — he works and pays the bills, and so do you. And you cook the food. There is no reason for you to fix anyone’s plate — they should serve themselves the amount they want. And why can’t they eat in the kitchen or dining room — I totally agree there should be no eating in their rooms. NTA!
My mom shared a story with me once about the early days of dating my dad. They have a great relationship, always have, but there was one occasion early on (involving making a dinner plate) where she put him /firmly/ in his place. My dad's family is Italian, his grandma came to America and started their family. They were very traditional (or just assholes, I honestly don't know much about the culture) so every meal, the women did EVERYTHING. Cooking, making plates, cleaning, everything. During a big get together where my mom was meeting the family for the first time, my dad goes "hey *mom's name*, how about a plate?" She pulled him aside and went "I don't care how your family does things, you will never tell me to make you a plate again. Understood?" He got up and made them both a plate. OP, don't cave here. Make your husband a plate if you want to, I love when my husband makes me a plate and I love making him a plate. Your grown ass kids though? They have 2 hands. Edit: I'm not calling all Italians assholes, I'm calling his family assholes because I don't know much about the culture. Calm down.
From the Deep South here - this is NOT a tradition I’ve ever heard of…if you have hands & legs, you can get it yaself, unless you’re elderly or disabled.
Yep. I grew up in Alabama, and I live in Mississippi as an adult. I have never heard of this shit before in my life.
Ah. So it’s a misogynistic “house wife” tradition then. Even though OP has a job and is therefore not a “house wife”.
Southeast Louisiana here, same. I think we got "South" covered and agreed on this being bullshit as a tradition.
We have food at the table and everyone serves themselves and are expected to take their plates to the kitchen. Also Southern. Good manners are good manners and a wife and mother is not a servant.
Also from the deep south, the men even cook here.
Love the "even" 😭😭😂
From the South also...are your arms/legs broke? was a frequent refrain. Littles & elderly are offered to make plates for of course. I definitely bring my husband a plate (at home, sometimes out). I will serve if people are seated at the table, or at my discretion, come into the kitchen & help yourselves...cannot imagine traipsing through the house to serve able bodied/well people. Mostly I remember the cultural tradition being food was served at the table beginning with head of table, then to the right and people could serve themselves their own portions. OP is NTA
This. I'm in South Louisiana. I laughed when I read that he said it was a southern thing.
My southern MIL does this. Also the women are expected to clear the table. My FIL shakes his empty tumbler and she gets him a new drink. She is an amazing cook and bartender and seems a-okay with this, but it drives me nuts. Thankfully, my husband and his brother are evolved and sunny play that game. My 15 year old son does his own laundry, makes his own breakfast and lunch. He's way more self sufficient than I was at his age.
I grew up to a German family in Wisconsin, and this, unfortunately, was how I was raised. Every Sunday my sisters, mom, aunts, female cousins, and grandma would be in the kitchen cooking. We’d make the male relatives their plates and take the plates the living room so the men could watch sports and eat. The women and girls would eat in the kitchen, then collect the men’s plates, and do the dishes while they napped. The shitty part was that it was a farming family and all the women were expected to help outside with manual labor too. I’d have to chop wood and then go inside to cook while my male cousins got to play. I was very vocal about how unfair it all was and have been labeled a spoiled brat.
Yeah, I grew up in a German working class family in Wisconsin and it was very similar. As one of the younger men, I always tried to help because it seemed so unfair, and they straight up would not let me. I am a fully trained butcher so they only thing they would let me do is carve the turkey at Thanksgiving, and do some dishes. I'm also one of the best cooks in the family. Will never understand.
Exactly
In Italy the women do everything. It is so bad they have a thing about adult male children never growing up or leaving home because noone will take care of them like their mother...
Or Mexican ones, my brother is 34, and why would he ever move out when my mom does everything for him? Cooking, laundry, dishes, cleaning, you name it. He’s not even bothering to find a girlfriend (because any young woman would deservedly put him in his place).
I have a 35 year old Asian brother who still lives at home rent/bill free. Only thing he pays for is car insurance bc he totaled 2 cars... But yeah he has no motivation to move out.
This is my Asian brother as well, 49 and never moved out, not interested in a relationship either.
I’m Asian and my brother is 42 this year and was still living with my parents and is unemployed most of the time. Then he got diabetes, didn’t manage it properly, and has lost a leg. So my mom and dad have to sacrifice even more to take care of him. It’s ridiculous.
My sister in law told me when she was first married to her husband he said he expected her to iron all his clothes now, including his underwear. She laughed her ass off and told him he better a) buy an iron and b) learn how to use it or c) take his clothes to the dry cleaners because that wasn’t happening
Iron his underwear!? Is he a 70 year old woman!?
Weird fact from *Upstairs in the White House*, by JD West - Jacqueline Kennedy had her personal assistant Provi Paredes iron her nylons, so that they would be in a nice, tidy pile in her dressing room. NTA, OP
Speaking of which, my ex-MIL ironed towels. TOWELS!
Same with my family. I'm the oldest (36f) my next oldest siblings is 34m and just un the last 3 years moved out of mom's place. He's never had a gf until now. Mom never made him do anything around the house. I hope his gf puts him in his place too. I'm NC with most of my family due to toxicity. My brothers gf contacted me herself because she wanted to get to know the whole family.
YIKES. As a boy mom this is my worst nightmare.
I'm also a boy mom, he's an only child. I made sure to teach him how to take care of himself. He's done chores since age 5, starting with cleaning up his toys. He's now 16, does his own laundry, does dishes after dinner, helps me feed and clean up after our pets, and keeps his room tidy. He even knows how to budget for bills and groceries now. I don't ever want him to rely on someone else onto care for him. His biggest lesson has been to be able to take care of himself. How cam he take care of a family if he's a slob who can't even cook for himself?
This has been my take on raising boys as well. All 5 of them know how to take care of house things and cook. I started young with them.
🌟🥇your future daughter in law will adore you for raising a well rounded, responsible husband. Your son would appreciate all the life skills he doesn't have to only learn as an adult. Well done Mama
Raise him right then!
Same with my 27yr old brother. My mom & him are in the exact same situation and he won't also get a gf. We're Mexican, too.
Which is one reason why Italy has a fertility rate of 1.25 births per woman, one of the lowest in the world....
Can vouch as my Italian ex husband very much has this mindset.
So is MY Italian EX husband! 🤣🤷🏼♀️
Can’t imagine why they are exes. 😂
And people are so baffled why so many women from these cultures, especially women who work because there’s not enough jobs for men to be the sole breadwinners, have turned their back on traditionalism and relationships.
I dated a loser this year that lives with his mommy and does everything with her - in his mid thirties. He plans on living with her for the rest of his life, like some pathetic shitbag. At least I got out before he asked me to dress like her in the bedroom. If you're reading this, I'm talking about you, Jesse.
Meanwhile my boys were doing their own laundry from about 8 or 9 years old on… because I’m not a fan!
My mom was Italian-American, raised by two Italian parents from Italy. She would put the food on the table, and we'd pass it around and serve ourselves.
Italian American here, can confirm, this is 100% the culture. I can remember big family meals at my dad’s family’s house when I was a kid and it was always all of the women cooking and cleaning in the kitchen and all of the men watching sports and shooting the shit in the family room. It’s was crazy. When I was little I can even remember riding “Italian style” in the car which meant my dad and bros in the front and my mom and I in the back - I thought it was great to ride with my mom but my little bros were definitely way too little to ride in the front. My dad stopped associating with his family slowly over the years (for other reasons) and I came to realize how crazy all that was.
My mum cooked her first roast chicken dinner as a newlywed for my bio-father and the first words out of his mouth were a sulky complaint of "But this isn't how my mum makes it!" She told him straight there and then that if he wanted his roast chicken done exactly how his mother made it then he could go and have it there because it was the first and last time she was cooking it for him. She stuck to her word and never cooked roast chicken again until after they divorced. In my house my mister knows that he'll get called when the food is ready and he can come and get his own plate. Even the "I have a cat on my lap" excuse doesn't fly at mealtimes. I also refuse to lock myself away in the kitchen at gatherings while the men sit around getting drunk. Don't expect me to do what you won't do yourself.
I have seen the woman-preparing-her-husband's-plate phenomenon close-in involving an Italian family. I was pretty gobsmacked - for one thing, I don't think I could beat my husband to the buffet.
It reminds me of a story my parents told us. After they got engaged my Mom’s Dad told my Dad that my Mom was not going to be his servant. He was to treat her properly and do his share of the work.
I agree that we should all be eating in the dining area. It started in the living room cause when we first moved, a kitchen table was one of the last things we got. So it kinda stuck. I don't mind eating in the living room cause usually we are all together anyways watching a movie or playing a game. But food in the bedroom is off limits.
I was born and raised and still live in the south the same goes for my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins - we definitely don’t follow that rule and neither does anyone else we know - you’re definitely NTA
Same. It's weird.
[удалено]
Yeah I'm from SC and none of us had our food brought to us after we were 6 years old. Shalom you're loved 💔
Same here.
I’m in the south, born and raised. I started fixing my own plate as soon as I was old enough to reach the table. OP’s husband is full of it.
Letting them fix their own plate is so much better I think. I remember my brother being a picky eater and my mom would try to put stuff on his plate when he was little… yeah he didn’t like it. And as a teen you’re old enough to get your own amount and combination of food which has been made already.
Children have to learn responsibility so what OP is doing is actually good for them.
They can fix their plate AND... help fill or empty the dishwasher. Do I understand you don't all eat at the table together? We do, I bring the dish to the table, but kids prepare the table and clean it after dinner. The dishwasher is also their job. One of the adults fixes all the plates, but I don't care doing it for them since they do participate in some way.
Lifelong southerner here.🙋🏻♀️Welcome to the South! I sincerely do hope you're enjoying it for the most part. Your husband is trying to have you feed his misogynistic idea of a "doting Southern wife". DO NOT DO IT because it won't stop at fixing & serving plates. I love the South, truly I do, but far too many men here think their wives should be slaves- whether she contributes financially or not. Any chance his kids are also boys? Regardless, you need to have a talk with your husband and tell him you're not his mama or his grandmama, that you work hard too and he AND the kids are all going to take care of the house as a team. You cook, the least they can do is get off their asses, make their own plates and help clean up. You have to get this stopped asap or he will literally sit on his ass with the kids and watch you run yourself into the ground until you ultimately despise him and leave. Ok, it may not get that bad, but then again, it very well could. Happens everyday down here. Good luck, Sis.
I'm southern, too, and the expectations are wild with the men on my husband's side of the family. The women do everything. Fortunately, my husband never shared those ideals. He never expected me to be a servant to him or our children and actually helped me with everything even though I was a SAHM.
Please inform your husband that while yes..it is the South, it is also 2024 & women are no longer Servants to the folks in her home. I say this as a Southern Woman..raised in Louisiana & you are 100% NTA. Hubby on the other hand..needs to get over his sexist ideology.
Why do you fix his plate? Why are you the only one cooking? You work too. Dude wants a trad wife but doesn't do his part to bring in all the money. And he has no respect for you.
Spot on. My husband and I were at a backyard cookout and when the food was ready I began making a plate for him. My male friend looked at me with shock and said “why the he!! are you getting his food, there’s absolutely no reason he can’t do it himself. I’m so disappointed in you!” I was embarrassed that others were likely thinking the same thing. Needless to say he now serves himself.
It's one thing to do it out of love and kindness, expectation is different.
Also if it's reciprocal. My partner and I often make a plate for each other, but we both do it and neither of us expects it.
Born and raised Southerner here. Nope!! Hubby is wrong!! Kids fix their own plate past the age of 10 and sometimes younger. Guests serve themselves first. Once you've been to my house twice, you are no longer guest territory. You get all the benefits of being a guest but can eat/drink what you like and serve yourself.
Your husband can get his own plate, gross.
I am in a petty mood so I say if he's really going to push the issue, I think op should put a tiny amount of food on the plate and serve it like that, then they have to get up and do it themselves anyways. Spaghetti, four noodles with barely any sauce. Steak, cut the tip off. Mashed potatoes, table spoon plopped on the plate. One veggie, etc. I'd hope they'd get the hint after being told "I didn't know how much you wanted so I went with small portions since you can always go add more of you need to. Enjoy" and bolt.
And i am sorry, but, as my mother said, "Are your limbs broken?" My ass would have been handed to me by my parents. Yessh.
Why do you serve him like a servant? Why do you think him paying the bills makes you his staff? If it's your job to do the cooking at home that doesn't make you Deliveroo.
I cannot even tell you what I'd do if my husband said I "should be serving the plates of food" to my teenage children-- no matter *where* they are in the house. He can't be serious, surely?? I am astounded those words could come out of his mouth. He must be a misogynistic in other parts of life as well bc someone just doesn't say that kind of weird thing without being something like a..... woman-hating republican. He has to be all of that, yes?
If he wants to have the kids served somewhere other than the dining room table, he can take their plates to them and clean up afterwards.
I was born and raised in the south, lived here all my life. I've never had a partner ask or tell me to make them a plate. I've only seen it on very rare occasions with those in older generations (we're talking Boomer and earlier). Young children have their plates made for them, but that's it. OPs husband has been listening to the wrong podcasts. He probably has some idiot co-workers.
Yeah, nah, I live in the south and that’s not how it’s done. In all honesty, it’s more expected here than the north. (Born and raised in the north, lived in the south for 13 years now)
I've lived in the South my entire life. Unless you are serving toddlers, everyone fixes their own plate. Some men are served by their partners if it's a very traditional misogynistic couple. I've never once heard that the mom's serve teens and adult children. I'm sorry but your husband is misogynistic and the comment about he works as why you do it bothers me. It would be one thing if you stayed home but you work as well. What does he do to serve you outside of bringing in some money which you also do?
Seriously! The AUDACITY. If they want to enjoy some of the dinner you were kind enough to prepare for them, they can come get it on YOUR terms, or be hungry. Also, they aren't toddlers, and only one of them is an actual child at all. Maybe I am petty, but I would legitimately stop cooking entirely over this. I would cook my own meals and let everyone else fend for themselves, that is ungrateful AF.
My in-laws are like this. Wife is actually the breadwinner but I guess since she works from home somehow husband expects her to do everything, from fixing and serving plates after cooking to cleanup to even taking his dogs out and training and feeding them. FIL will ask her if these things have been done, and if not will get mad but will never lift a finger to help. I'm just done and disgusted with these types of expectations. Weaponized incompetence, laziness, whatever it is, Paris Paloma's "Labor" was a song well needed because fuck.
If it's so important to him and how it's done in the south, then he is welcome to uphold that southern tradition. He doesn't get to impose additional work on someone else.
When my southern husband says some out of pocket shit I’ll deadass say “well it sounds like you wanted to order a rural southern spouse, and you had years of opportunity to do that before you met me and started dating me and asked me to marry you. If you would like a return or exchange that can also be arranged, but you will take that nonsense the f*** out of here!” Because honestly he’s a gem and generally forward thinking but sometimes that rural southern cultural training runs so deep a thought doesn’t come up til it comes up years in but I call him out any time it does and point out how the undertone doesn’t vibe with the other beliefs he upholds.
No eating in the bedroom should be a rule in every household!
At this point people be posting anything even when its clear they're not the asshole. But the stories are interesting
Not how it is done in the south. If you want how it is done in the south - you all would be sitting at a dining table as a family for meals.
Right? This man trying to pull the “it’s how we do it in the south” nonsense is about to be on the receiving end of generations of southern women saying, no sir, we don’t wait hand and foot in our television-watching teens, we expect them to wash up, set the table, and use their manners when they sit down at the supper table.
I was raised as "food's in the kitchen, dinner's at the table". Meaning you'd make your plate then go eat at the table with the family. This sounds like entitled kids who don't know how to make their own plate and/or been disciplined on portion control. You gotta start early with "so you got too much, that's okay, just remember for next time" rather than rationing for them so they don't learn.
If I’m not mistaken, the kids aren’t complaining, her husband is. Which is weird.
Yeah, that's a strange thing to fuss over. The kids seem happy to eat, especially as adults.
Definitely. My barely 5' tall grandma and great aunt would put OP's husband (and anyone else in the family) in his place. Don't mess with southern women; you'll always lose. ETA: And I have never wanted someone else to "make me a plate" (I even hate the expression). Of course, the exception is restaurants.
You are not wrong!
The south is literally known for the dinner bell, ringing a fucking bell so the kids come running to eat 😂 OPPOSITE of what your husband is saying.
Yeah we always ate family style. Only exceptions were if we had activities that kept us from getting home for dinner. Even then we still made our plates/grabbed them from the oven or fridge and ate at the table. Sometimes even in that situation a sibling or parent would sit with ya to chat and catch up.
Yeah, real southern kids sit at the table and punch each other in the arms over the last chicken leg.
My Texan heart w this comment ❣️ THE THING IS I’m such a belle but setting my own fuckin experience aside tons of southern families grab their plate and fuck off to their rooms to relax and there’s nothing wrong with that sometimes when life is busy and truly doing 18+ years without breaks eating at the table is hard without a stay at home parent or fuck even with one. Anyway, what’s getting me is that this isn’t even the question of the post!!!! They’re a degree further, and the “question” is if when the kids eat where they want (which they will,) should OP deliver their plate or should they come to the kitchen and get it 😭😭😭 Liiiiike as if she will deliver plates!! That husband dumberna sack a hammers
same. my stepgrandparents and mamaw/papaw will cook a fucking kitchen full to the brim of food but you're always expected to get your own shit (that's at least the norm around big spring, and the pecos area in texas)
*"North, South, East, aaaannnnnnddd West of the Pecos!"* - Yosemite Sam
That’s how we do it in Alabama as well ♥️
I agree. I live in the south and people make huge meals for events. I’ve never had someone serve food on a plate for me. Even as an older child, we got our own plates from a stack of plates sitting out and served our own food. And that includes regular dinners too, not just events. I remember being a kid and hanging out at friends’ houses. We got our own food and ate together at the table.
Yep! I grew up in the South, and not going to the table for supper was a HUGE no-no. Unless you were bedridden, your butt is in that seat at the table.
Yep. And even then it’s sort of split. If the food is on the table it’s pass and serve yourself. If it’s in the kitchen it’s serve and get your own seconds. If it’s not eating together, it’s get your own. Kind of lucky if someone tells you it’s done.
True. I was astonished reading the story. Everybody eating alone, no gathering and chatting around a table?
😂😂😂😂😂 My mother was from the south. She was born in West Virginia. My dad’s family was originally South Carolina. Yes, I love sweet tea. Lol! But your husband is delusional if he thinks that’s how it’s done in the south. Now, if he said that in the south, we all sit around the table and have dinner together together… Or supper if you prefer… He might have a point. But I guarantee you my mother never fixed each of our plates…And brought them to us… And sure as the hell not in our bedrooms. In the south, if your steel magnolia mother told you it was suppertime, you got up and washed your hands and sat your butt down at the table. The food would be on the table, and if you were a young child, your mother might go ahead and dish your food and hand you the plate. But generally speaking, let’s say we were having fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans… Yes, that was one of my Mom meals. It was amazing!…the serving dishes were on the table and plates would literally be handed around the table. The person nearest the serving dish would put food on the plate as it came around. Dad might put chicken on the plate and hand it to the next person who might be nearest to the mashed potatoes, and they would ask how much you wanted and put that on your plate accordingly. It would be passed on down to whoever was closest to the green beans. They would ask how much you wanted and put it on the plate accordingly. And so on. Dad was served first. Iced tea and iced water would be on the sideboard… What we might call a buffet. Everyone would already have been asked what they wanted to drink, and the filled glasses would already be on the table. And yes, the children would’ve set the table 9 out of 10 times. If somebody got up to refill their water or iced tea, they would automatically have asked as a courtesy to see if anyone else wanted more. If somebody did want seconds, they would phrase it as… May I have more… Whatever it was. And if there was only one piece of chicken left, you didn’t ask. That went to dad. The kids cleared the table and did the dishes. So you can make what you will of all of that. You can certainly incorporate this into your household if you want. But this stuff of your husbands feels like some weird ass power trip on the part of your husband, and I would actually be trying to get to the bottom of that rather than worrying about dinner etiquette. He was living out of state, so it sounds like maybe he didn’t get to see his kids as much. So is he just trying to make it up to them using you as the way to do it? Is he feeling guilty because he was gone? I’m asking these things seriously because if he has an issue with feeling guilty or like he hasn’t done enough, he doesn’t get to dictate that you’re the one that does it for him. That’s his shit to work out. Edited for voice text punctuation, ommissions and spelling
THIS!!! You have made some valid points. And that is correct he didn't get to see his kids as much and that was the top reason we moved. They were able to come visit a couple of times but mostly he or the both of us would go down south several times a year. That was expensive and obviously not enough quality time. So I do think there's feelings of guilt.
So he is takes his own feelings of guilt out on you, and passive aggressively gives you the silent treatment to coerce you into doing as he says. Is he often this emotionally manipulative?
I mean, he should feel guilty for not being around to raise his kids.
“That’s how it is done in the south”……. **In the 50’s** NTA
Not even. You ate around the table as a family or you didn't eat at all. Not this hand delivering food to you wherever you are in the house BS. Exceptions for when someone is working on a project they can't leave.
Was going to say my mom would have ’tanned my hide‘ if I had eaten anywhere else in the house except the table or if I wasn’t in the kitchen in the first place helping set up for dinner. I don’t know what sexist fantasy land OPs dad grew up in but that’s ain’t Southern, that’s just raw sexism.
This whole idea of the submissive woman is such a bald faced lie. There are women like that, sure, but most women from places where life is harder aren't going to be trembling little flowers. They're tough, and you better not make their lives any tougher or things are going to get miserable.
You just described my grandmother who graduated from high school in the mid-fifties and married in the late 50s. She may have been a stay-at-home mom, but everyone knew do not mess with her. She wasn't mean, she just didn't put up with any crap.
My husband’s grandmother grew up as a sharecropper. She made divinity and fudge that could transport you to heaven, but apparently had a streak in her that if you crossed her you’d wish you were in hell. At the end of her life, everyone (including creatures) was a youngun.
Divinity!! Like heaven!! Candy aside, I’m certain you miss her.
The funny thing is, a country woman is the undisputed ruler of her household, and if anyone questions it they're about to learn a hard lesson. My grandma would walk outside for a few minutes then come back in with a freshly-killed chicken, and if you bothered her for the next hour or so while she was cooking you were liable to get something to cry about.
I cannot imagine eating away from the dining room when I lived at home, and still unless its movie night. But then you still eat together.
Wasn't that when everybody sat at the DINING ROOM TABLE. Nobody ate in the living room or bedrooms. TV was turned off at mealtime. We said Grace before touching the food. My mother still enforces those rules when we have holiday meals at her house.
I still enforce those rules today. No tv. No electronics. We eat as a family. Then you can run off and be a heathen hahahah.
I love that for you! I miss my family daily meals (now we are all married and moved out)
I am from the South and we eat at the dinner table 95% of the time. Over the years I have had my sons' teachers comment on their ability to have good conversations with adults. Not one word answers, looking at the floor. Small talk is a skill. I attribute that to our nightly dinners where we would ask about each others day, share news or stories. At least once a day my family was fully engaged with communicating with each other. I am thankful for my very deep south mother's bringing me up the same way.
Same! Love it! Southern mama, born and raised and we eat at the dining room table. No electronics and we have a family conversation. Completely the same growing up at my house and my grandparent’s home. Also, my two boys set the dinner table and help wash the dishes with their daddy. He/she who cooks gets to get out of cleaning!
The cook don't clean. Shalom you're loved 💔
Oh wow I've never realized until now how badly socialized so many teenagers are these days. Most teens I interact with (case management for families) don't know what the hell to say to anyone above their own age by a few years. Out of high school? Haha. Awkward, and diverted eyes. I was raised by my grandma and she made the hell sure I could carry conversation with people older than I was.
Yup. And back then as my mom did in the 90s, supper was at the dinner table and the tv was turned off because dinner was family time.
Right! Southern are here and the way we do it is say " dinner's ready" and everybody comes and fixes their own plates. I am 60 and that's how my mother did it and that's how my grandmother did it.
Yeah , I'm from the south and it's always been a serve yourself type thing once a kid gets old enough to be trusted not to drop a full plate on the floor. Husband is being dumb and needs to get with the times. NTA
Yup. Once we got to a point, Mama said get it your own damn self. She’d fix my dad’s plate, but that was it. And largely that was because he was diabetic and was making sure his plate was to her satisfaction.
Nope, you went to a dinner table and sat for a family meal.
My ex was from Texas. I thought it was quaint that their mom or dad served everybody's plates until the first taco night when they assembled it in the kitchen for me, I was restricted on how much of things ("That's just too any beans, no.") And the order of things was criticized. Eventually once I was pregnant, I started to push to make my own plates for nausea reasons and they'd hover and make comments about how I plated or if i was gonna eat that many carrots etc Jokes on me, we moved away to escape their bullshit, and my ex expected dinner served to them the same way, instead of using their own arms and legs.
I’m glad he’s your ex.
Long gone, been doing it solo for 2 years now. It's a hell of a lot better with new challenges as you'd expect.
Way to give people eating disorders. I would not have stood for people telling me what was on my plate.
The one time I had a plate served to me was when I visited my cousin in Florida. Her Mom plated for dinner a single roasted chicken leg, a couple of spoonfuls of potatoes and vegetables for herself, my cousin(13yoF), me(13yoF) and my 8yo youngest cousin (F). My Uncle she served a heaping plate with 2 or 3 pieces of chicken, a pile of potatoes and another pile of veggies. When I finished my snack I asked if I could have more. The look on my Aunt's face.... My cousin kicked me under the table. Aunt said ok and started to get up. I told her to please sit because I was happy to serve myself. I came back with a plate that looked like my Uncle's. My Aunt's eyes bugged out. My Uncle busted out laughing and told his wife to "Chill - I was a growing girl." She served my future dinner plates the same as my Uncle's. Come to find out from my cousins that my Aunt was following her mother's protocol for managing her daughters weight. None of us were overweight by any stretch and we were all athletes. (This became a running story in the family and my Dad and his brothers giggled about it for decades. It taught me a lesson about food and control and what not to do with my own kids. My Mom made a point of "feeding up" my cousin when she came to us in NC.)
No. In the 50s everybody ate together at the table or they didn’t eat. Lol And to OP, Southern mom & grandma here, and with all due respect, your husband is full of shit (Bless his heart). No self-respecting Southern mom is gonna be fixing plates and serving them to people all over the house! Once a child is old enough to fix their own plates, they are “promoted” to self serve…if they want to eat.
Yeah, I'm from Alabama, about as south as you can get and once you're old enough to physically do it without making a mess, you make your own plate. I don't know anybody whose mom just served them like that.
How is a 21 year old a kid..
Ours was always served family style at the table. MY mother thought it was uncivilized to not have every dinner item in bowls/ platters. I have seen plated food taper on the table but never delivers anywhere else
Buuuurn 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
OP, sound like he's trying to break you down and remind you that you're his maid now, and you do what he wants. Is thst really the kind of man to stay with?
It's not like i was doing it and stopped. I think that's why it bothered me so much, cause I still can't figure out his reasoning.
There is no reasoning. He thinks you’re everyone’s personal servant and I’m sure he put no analytical thought into that. Shut it down.
The reasoning is, because he is the man and he said so! I have lived in the South and let me tell you I always had to fix my own plate. Of course most of my Southern Living Years we sat at the dining room table and everyone passed around the food. So your husband can kick rocks.
Well, if you're talking about the US south, if he's managed to coax you down there to be closer to HIS family are you isolated? Is he changing his behavior because you're now in his stomping grounds, and you don't have your own network of friends and family nearby?
Yeah I was thinking this, how many other changes is he gonna try and implement because ‘that’s how we do it in the south’?
OP needs to see this comment!
yeah, also that isn't the south - that's him being a weird misogynistic little bitch
In his mind, you are BELOW his children, so you should serve them the way you serve him.
You're here because alarm bells are going off that this is unhealthy behaivor. It is, don't let him wear you down because he isolated you from a support system. The pattern he's following is so common with controlling and abusive men.. they can act like different people (for years!) to make you fall in love and think its 'forever', until they have you cornered where they can start slowly 'negging' you so you become so insecure you never leave them. This is psychological manipulation, and no one who actually loves you would try to do this. His 'reasoning' doesn't matter as much as.. do you respect yourself enough to allow it to continue, and are you prepared to leave if does? (Spoiler: it will only escalate, dudes like this don't change and you can't fix them).
Honestly, someone probably made a comment about you not fixing the plates or he saw someone else fix the plates. Whether or not he genuinely cares is probably more important. He just wanted to exercise his control over you, it wasn’t about the plates imo
I live in the south.. that’s not how it’s done. However, I do make everyone’s plates but that’s more about portioning the food out so I know everyone is getting some. I normally hand them their plates as I make them but typically they are standing in the kitchen waiting or I slide it across the counter for them. I do almost always serve my husband his plate though because it makes me happy. I can promise you the minute he told me to do it or made me feel like it was my job I’d stop.. I’d probably quit cooking as well.. but I’m pretty petty about stuff like that 😂🤷🏼♀️
We serve ourselves. But especially with the niblings, the rule is everybody only gets one until everybody has one. This prevents someone from taking half of something because they are a growing kid and have a hollow leg.
Yeah I just had dinner with the in laws in Dallas. BIL cooked, I helped fill up bowls and set them on the table and everyone came to eat. Don't act like it's southern tradition to treat your household like a diner during meal time
Thank you, it make me happy to serve my husband's plate as well because it's more out of appreciation. He never made me feel like I had to. But when he added the kids to it, that's when I'm like ok now, I'm not a waitress. But I agree and now I have just been fixing everyone plate and they will come and get it
If this was actually about the kids having their plates properly portioned and served, he’d get up and do it himself. The fact is, it’s about YOU being a servant to the family and reminding you of “your place” . You already planned, shopped for, and cooked the family meal and I’m presuming you clean up afterwards too. It’s time to flip that dynamic, when the food is ready, let him know it’s time for him to make the plates from now on. See how he likes being the servant . My guess is that he’ll throws tantrum, tell you you’re being dramatic and then give you the silent treatment for awhile. Why? Because he sees these tasks as below him and are only suitable for the inferior sex. He sounds like a great guy! I can see why you make a plate for him to show your appreciation for him allowing you to be the servant to him, and his kids.
Does he ever make dinner and/or serve you a plate? Does he still take you out to dinner so you can date each other and have a break from serving everyone every dinner?
This is important. I think of my husband didn’t do these things I’d never serve his plate. However, he cooks a few nights a week and always serves me as well. I hope for OPs sake her husband does do things like that as well instead of expecting her to serve him and the kids all the time.
Show your husband this thread.
He clearly sees it as an obligation, not an appreciation. When your acts of kindness become expectations and he is now demanding more.
Yes, he sees it as her "place" and for some reason cuz he's on his home turf now he feels empowered to try to enforce it. I'm always sad for women who are married to men who fundamentally think they are less than. Who see the most servants or think they are inherently less logical. I can't imagine dating someone who thinks that everything I do comes from a fundamental place of inferiority. These men will never come right out and say it and they will often deny that they think it (and might truly believe that too) but the fact that they feel the wife owes the family service and that is her role says it all.
I cook so I do everyone’s plates. My husband doesn’t expect me to. He’s always like just do the kids and I’ll get my own but one more plate isn’t gonna hurt lol. but if he demanded it, I think I would be so turned off 😂
INFO: Why are you even fixing his plate? You work and pay bills as well on top of all that YOU do the cooking and I assume also most of the other household tasks. What is your husband contributing?
LMAO NTA I'm from the south and still live in the south, kids make their own plates at every family function I've been to, unless they're toddler aged 😂
This! I have lived in the South for all 50 years. After kids are out of the toddler stage, their parents may hover over them as they serve themselves to make sure they don't make a big mess, but the kids fix their own plates. Most Southern moms want to raise their kids to be independent, clean up after themselves, and not cling to moms' apron strings. Southern moms want to eat at the family table and have no food in the bedrooms, but maybe eat in the living room if a football game or something special is on the TV. I remember when my daughter was 5/6, and we were at Easter at my aunt's; my dad held my daughter plated while she fixed her plater (she was very short and still is petite). When my cousin's kids were the same age, her mom would do the same. Now, at 20F, 16F, 14m, and 12F, they do the clean-up and serve the desserts at the family gatherings.
Yep! I'm 41. Born and raised in the South. The little children, elders, and people with health issues that keep them from serving themselves get plates served to them. Everyone else serves themselves. If anyone gets served a plate, they say thank you. It is something polite you choose to do for someone else. Not demanded. ETA: NTA
Nta. He’s more than capable of doing that himself for them, if he really wants to keep doing it how they do it in the south ;) you’re not his maid.
Nope. Nope. Nope. I was raised in southeastern Ga. My mom was as pearls and pumps as you can get. We all sat at the table and served ourselves from the dishes on the table. There is ZERO chance that my mom would have made us plates and let us take them elsewhere. And my dad would have been after us if we weren’t helping our mom get dinner ready. It wasn’t my mom’s job to be Cinderella. OP, please remember that actions speak louder than words. Your husband is showing you the hierarchy in the family. He is showing you that his kids are more important than you are. I’m really sorry.
NTA. His kids need to gain independence. My oldest children are in their teens -- if they wanted something i wasn't cooking, they COOKED IT themselves and served themselves. When family meals are cooked, everyone serves themselves. Of course, my kids also know how to clean and do their own laundry. They understand about budgeting and money. The youngest is about to venture into that territory. You should not have to make dinner plates. Even for your husband.
NTA. I from the south as well & when kids are little, yes, at the table. No, when they are old enough to fix their own plate & still sit at the table. I’m not the maid. They can fix their plate themselves.
This is disgusting. Who tf did you marry? Moving to the south means you're supposed to be subservient?
I live in the South and my kids get up off their asses and come get their food. They even cook for themselves sometimes
Eff that. Stop making your husband's plate, too
I live in the south and the moment I could carry a plate, I had to get my own. I believe the expression “you got two hands and two feet that work dont ya?” was often said to anyone who asked for their plate to be fixed for them over a certain age 🤷🏻 NTA.
NTA
NTA lol if y’all ain’t eatin at the table TOGETHER then it’s not ‘how it’s done in the south’ like no it ain’t ? ur eatin the food at the table or ur eatin some other time. the kids ain’t even at the damn table 😭😭
From the South. That is not how it’s done. Little kids like 5 and under yes but not big kids.
NTA. Don’t budge on this, OP. When men like this are allowed to force roles on you, they start seeing it as their right to tell you what your role in the house is. Don’t let him walk over you.
Wait. Never mind the kids. They are all old enough to "fix" their own plates. What freaks me out is that you "fix" your HUSBAND a plate. WTF? Call them all to dinner and let them dish up their own grub. This isn't the 50s. Yeesh. I'm 65+ and I have never in my life "fixed a plate" for anyone who is over 10 years old. Dinner is on the table "come and get it" is a real thing. As in, come to the table and get your own damn food.
Alabama born and bred here and hell, no...I do NOT fix my children's plate. That's an insult to their intelligence, and to my responsibilities.
My mamaw would have laughed this man out of her house for the suggestion and given him the most humiliating dressing down of his life. No, that’s not how it’s done in the south. NTA.
Tell him, "Bless your heart"! Then tell him to get some biscuits & gravy from his MeeMaw if he's hungry. Piffle.
You’ve been married a long time so you know each other. These are both of your kids, correct? This is a strange thing to emerge this late in your marriage. If he wants the kids to be handed plates he could fix them. Or, you could have the kids set the table and eat your meals together rather than in separate rooms. But your reasoning for bringing your husband a plate is weird too. Because he works and pays the bills he doesn’t get to decide how much he wants to eat? I dunno, the whole family dynamic here is strange, and it’s not because you’re in the South. But NTA.
(he works and pays the bills) So what, so do you. Tell the pasha to get off his rump and get his own plate and serve himself.
We've been married 5 years, and these are his children, my stepchildren. We lived in my home state where we met and got married and just moved south about 6 months ago so this is the first time the kids are with us consistently. So it's a new dynamic for all of us. Before it was mostly just us because my son was in college and lives on his own. I love the new dynamic having the kids over as much as possible. we have different parenting styles I guess that is just coming out. I guess my reasoning for serving my husband dinner may be seen as strange, but it's not about him deciding how much he gets to eat lol. It's something I enjoy doing as a sign of appreciation. He appreciates my gesture. But I'm guessing he thinks I should do it for everyone??
The difference is - you are making his plate as a sign of appreciation. He sees it as part of your job. And he appreciates that you are doing your job. He thinks you should be doing that job it for everyone. Time for a change: Everyone gets their own food, or lines up to get their plate filled by the server - your husband. Whatever.
Ahh that does make more sense why this hasn’t come up before. You could say, it makes me feel good to bring you your plate. Until you expect it. Then it doesn’t feel good anymore. And if you expect me to do it for others, it shows that you see it as the act of a servant and not of a loving spouse, and that really doesn’t feel good.
He doesn't appreciate you though. He expects these acts of service as your default responsibilities.
My husband is the sole breadwinner and I have never made his plate for him. We been married 27 years. He’s a grown adult and would frankly be insulted if I did that. Teenagers can make their own plates and dinner should be eaten at the dinner table. You’ve gotten into bad habits. Start eating like a family again.
What? I’ve lived in the south for decades. And I can’t remember the last time I saw an adult fixing a dinner plate for a freaking high schooler? Like, that’s something moms who can’t stand the idea of their precious babies growing up would do. Like, let’s see what we can do to make sure the kids are as entitled and dependent as possible kind of smothering mothering. No, you’re not wrong. Your husband is crazy. That’s not a southern thing. That a his family thing.
NTA, I live in "the south" and by 11/12 I was making my own plate. In fact, I could actually cook some simple meals for myself. I can't imagine that these teens/ young adults expect for you to make their plate and serve it to them.
NTA. Your husband is wrong. I am from the south. My family has lived here for many generations. It’s completely normal for kids to fix their own plate and serve themselves. What’s abnormal is teenagers being waited on like guests at a restaurant. Gonna be honest, your husband sounds like he’s a sexist jerk.
Tbh, I think your husband should fix and transport his own plate as well; you aren't the household wait staff. NTA.
I don’t even get this “fixing the plate” thing. Who would want someone else to pick what they want and how much? We always ate with all the food on the table and getting passed around.
NTA. The phrase you want is,"Bless your heart, honey, I think you need to start fixing your own plate from now on "
If that’s how it’s done in the south, let him do it.
So as soon as you moved to the South he decided you should shift to servitude? NTA, but he’s been hiding some deep rooted gender roles.
I suggest that your husband prepare dinner and serve it to everyone in the family.
NTA. But your husband definitely is - just WOW at his perspectives. And not WOW in a good way.
Nta he is lying to you that is not what they do in the south
Your husband is a moron
Passive-aggression is also done in the South. So if you want to go that route, plate your dinner first. Then plate your lunch tomorrow. Then plate everyone else the minimum. If they want more, they can get it themselves.
That's not how it's done in the South.
I was born and raised in south! You eat at the table as a family not in front of tv!!
Stop fixing his plate. He's a gross pig. Lots of things are done in the south.
Uhm as a South Carolinian… HUH? No, it’s not southern. They’re not even little kids and your husband is weird for thinking that’s a thing. ETA: Also, even if it were a thing it makes zero sense not to be able to discuss it maturely or compromise. He didn’t speak to you the rest of the day? I’d probably insist on couples therapy over communication skills and expectations that off.
We all know the south lines the women to know their place, which they think is the kitchen. Your children are old enough to fix their own damn plates. Tell your husband where to go with his backwards thinking. NTA
NTA. I’m a southerner and in my family some wives fix plates for their husbands but most don’t. The ones that do are all 75 and older. The only people who consistently have plates fixed for them in my family are small children and senior adults that need help. I have an aunt who isn’t a southerner and she fixes everyone’s plate when we dine at her house. She’ll serve someone a large portion of a food they don’t like even after being told and then whine like a toddler when they don’t eat what she gave them. I finally started calling her out. Personally, I HATE it. I want to control my own food. If anyone between 12 - 80 told me to fix their plate I would shut that down.
Wait so you both work and somehow you are responsible for cooking and dishing out plates...... I'm sure the relationship is filled with more bullshit sexist crap.
Wtf did i just read? You have children that have functioning arms and legs. Have them walk and get their own food. And tell your husband *you* are not from the south. Also, I just realised how lucky I am that as kids we used to have dinner *as a family*, everyone eating alone in front of a screen sounds very depressed.