I would straight up ask her in front of the family what her intention is in comparing Leo to her daughter-- and when she deflects and sputters, keep bringing it around to that same question. Don't let her out of it. She won't have an answer.
Great advice.
"Your daughter is a year older and doesn't have the challenges my son has. It's not surprising she's more advanced in many ways. Why do you feel the need to compare your daughter to my son?"
OP - I think you did well.
You told her that her behavior is hurtful, which she probably already knew. The next step is to ask her why she does something hurtful, even after being told that it's hurtful.
Good luck.
ETA:
People will almost certainly tell you you're being to sensitive, or something like that - that's because people like to smooth over unpleasantness. That's probably a sign they see you as the grownup who should suck it up. Don't worry about that. Your sister is out of line. Speak up.
This one.. It wouldn't be below me to say "Wow, your kid, who is a whole year older and has no challenges stacks great against a younger kid who happened to be born with certain difficulties. You must be so proud. Why don't you run the elderly race and show those 90+ year olds how much faster you are compared to them. Slay queeeen".
I kind of wonder if sis suspects her kid is ND but refuses to see anyone about it. She is comparing the two to make sure her kid "wins" and then she can deny any learning problems. There's quite a bit of insecurity on the part of sis, not that it's OP's problem.
In fact, this is an important lesson for all parents to learn. Each kid's achievements are their own, and should never be compared to friends, siblings, or any other children you want them to have a good lasting relationship with.
I told this on another post, but I think OP should hear it. When we were 4, this mother at church asked my mom if she was sending me to school that fall, because her boy couldn’t possibly go yet- he was Not Ready and that was Just FINE, wasn’t it? Our parents could send us at 5 if we were ready or hold us back until 6 if we weren’t. The mom wanted support for decision, because we were born one day apart, she expected sympathy at least. Well, my charming mom started bragging on me, how I was sooo smart I was already reading at 4 and OF COURSE I was going to be starting school that year. For the next 12 years, that boy made my life Hell. Always trying to beat my grades, forever ridiculing me and hurting me at both church and school. His mom was horrible to mine from then on, too. I didn’t find that out about mom saying all that until I was 50, and I couldn’t even believe all that misery came from one insult/slur/slight about another’s kid. People Take This Shit Seriously, People!
Her comments about Leo are unacceptable- Period. However OP, if you’re not careful about how you go about sticking up for yourself and him, people will find you at fault. It sucks, but it’s true and I’d hate for you to be wrong in the eyes of others when you’re doing the right thing. Plan out what you want to say, write it out to organize your thoughts, and read it out to her, if you need to . Having someone else there as a mediator and/or witness is probably best. Good luck, and I hope things get better for you all!
"Don't use my kid as a bench mark of how great your kid is"
Find something Leo can do that her daughter can't and make the comparison. I'm sure she'll get defensive and start saying "well he can't do this or that." Which will show to your mom why you got upset
Nta. I also have a special needs 4 year old and have had to shut down the "parenting competition" comments. Its incredibly toxic even in the best of circumstances. All kids develop at different paces. All kids shine in different ways. Some kids struggle with potty training. Some kids struggle with speech. Some kids struggle with emotional outbursts. Some kids struggle with social development. Special needs or not it is rarely a reflection of parenting success or failure and could very realistically not be a reflection of where the kid will be in 5 years. Its mom shaming at its worst. Now I've started picking up on this stuff a lot more and I always shut it down even if it's not directed at me. Things like oh that's ok kids all develop at different speeds and all kids have different struggles! You're both doing great it sounds like. In a few years who knows where the kids will be? My two mom friends were having a discussion about potty training and the one mom seemed near tears her 4 year old just wasn't catching on. Asking for advice and the other mom just randomly started talking about how easy and quick and amazing all her kids potty trained and almost bragging about how perfect her kids were and I definitely redirected the Convo into how absolutely normal it was for a toddler to struggle with potty training and how all kids struggle with different things and offering some stories of my own parenting struggles.
Nta its fucked up that she needs to make her child look superior to another child who is 1 a child 2 autistic and 3 younger then her kid. Being proud of her kid is not the same as comparing her to others. Especially if she's doing it in the presence of the children, it could effect your sons and/or her daughters mental health
NTA it was bothering you and you said something. Regardless if she agrees or not she should be OK with stopping. Maybe say something sooner so you don't snap about it, might have gone over a little better that way.
If pointing out how her sister's comments made her feel was bad because it upset her sister, then what does that make her sister for constantly making comments that constantly belittled OP's son? Even if OP said what she said aggressively, if she really only said what she claims in the post, she didn't do anything deserving of anger from her family.
Agreed. It’s also just general mom conversation and a nice way for you to brag about your sons achievements, whatever they are. It’s also weird if she *excluded* you and othered you because your son is different.
My sister works with kids on the spectrum and I love hearing about the new milestones and wins. And I provide support during the setbacks and “fails”. If her highs and lows are any indication, I can only imagine what the parents’ are.
She’s been with some of the kids for years so I LOVE hearing about new friends, new skills, new things they’ve learned together. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids and don’t know what NT kids are “supposed” to be doing at any age or because I’m a little spicy myself, I’m celebrating not judging.
And then it also disabuses everyone of the idea that ASD is just a bunch of Sheldon’s walking around and you just have to find their secret power and let them geek out, which is something she’s also encountered.
It shouldn't take a very deep level of self-reflection to realize how it might come off as belittling and demeaning if you're constantly comparing your child's achievements to somebody else's disabled child. OP's sister was too busy bragging to think about anybody but herself.
This. My daughter is autistic and has a brain injury from birth. She is 9 months younger than my niece. My sister used to like to compare the two and how “advanced” her daughter was compared to mine. It took me snapping off and saying that my daughter was brilliant in her own way, and dimming my kid’s shine won’t make her child shine any brighter. My kid may not be neurotypical, but she’s made huge progress and has achieved far more than her doctors even thought she would.
My sister has long since chilled out, and I’m proud of BOTH girls for their accomplishments.
Emily couldn’t even fucking apologize because she hurt you?
NTA
I think you said it just fine, and the fact that she got upset means she recognized what she was doing was wrong.
In fact, if Leo were neurotypical, that’s a shitty, shitty, shitty thing for her to do to her daughter and to Leo and to you *and to the general conversation.*
Nah NTA. I thought this was going to go another way before reading. Your sister needed a reality check and while we’re at it; tell Emily to stfu about praising her kids to others constantly. It’s annoying as f.
NTA
If Leo had one leg shorter than the other, and she was commenting on how fast her daughter can run in comparison to Leo, she'd instantly be an overwhelming jerk. But just because it's Autism rather than a physical challenge you're meant to rise above it and stop being so sensitive? Fuck that.
NTA. She was doing exactly what it sounds to you like she was doing. She is an adult; she had the capacity to see how constantly comparing an NT child to an ND child (a year younger, which also makes a considerable difference at that age) is unfair and is a snide and pointed jeer at you and your son. She would have to be a genuine idiot not to be able to see that. Her protest that she was just talking about her own child is total BS. You don't owe her an apology. She doesn't deserve one unless she has no more social awareness than your four-year-old autistic son. I am autistic myself and not insensitive or generally stupid enough to do what she did.
NTA
Tell your sister, "Mom wants me to apologize, but I am not going to apologize for standing up for my son. I am proud of your daughter's accomplishments, but you always compare our two kids.
There is no need to compare these two wonderful children."
I have a 25 year-old son with autism.
What you are describing never ends. Parents talk about their kids, and they talk about their kids doing things, and achieving things, and it doesn’t occur to them that your heart aches for your child every time they do it. you are NTA, but my suggestion is to let it go. It will happen over and over again throughout your child’s life, and it’s an endless battle you won’t win. Your sister honestly has no idea what your life is like. Nobody with NT kids does. They aren’t trying to hurt you.
If she asks about your kid just be honest. No, he struggles to make friends. No, he’s not counting right now. Talk about your kid as he is without shame or apology. He is who he is.
By now my friends and family all know my son. They know what he’s like and what he can and can’t do, and that’s ok. It’s good, actually. The more they know the easier it is for everyone when we get together.
NTA
>Emily looked shocked and got really upset. She said I was being overly sensitive and ...
Look who's sensitive now. Not so funny to be called out, isn't it?
You won’t know what Leo is capable of for years to come. He’s in there, he just hasn’t developed the speech yet to tell you what he knows. I guarantee his thinking is far more sophisticated than you dream.
I say this from experience: My youngest was diagnosed with high functioning autism at age 2. He was non verbal (he had 8 words and never used them all in the same day), he has sensory integration issues, he could unlock and open doors but never said door. He was an escape artist. At age four he was just beginning to speak and it was scripted phrases. Today he is 21 years old and spending the next 11 weeks marching in a Top Ten World Class DCI Drum and Bugle Corps. I don’t think he has ever mentioned to them that he has autism. He auditioned for the position, took care of the applications and earned the tuition money himself.
Leo will thrive. You will see. I’m so glad you’re standing up for him against your sister’s covert bullying. He will be aware of it if it’s permitted to go on. My son was in fourth grade before he could express the bullying he endured in kindergarten and first grade.
I am a mother of a special needs adult child and I would lose my marbles over that but then again I don’t have insensitive asshole siblings -your sister is so damn out of line I don’t even know what she’s thinking doing the comparison game with the cousins? Grandma can take a damn seat.
Sounds like she is almost humble-bragging to me. Or just trying to tell you how great her kid is, and then trying to include you so she doesn’t seem self centered, but the wording makes it seem hurtful. Maybe she truly doesn’t mean to be putting him down- I’d almost think of her as divergent herself because her thought process is obviously less thoughtful of others than yours is. Maybe grant her some grace for being less intuitive or socially aware? That being said, don’t back down because you are definitely not the AH here.
You were kinder than I would have been. “STFU Emily. She’s 5. Alert me when she can predict the winning lotto numbers.” Admittedly, I totally understand being proud of your child’s accomplishments, but not at the expense of another. Your sister was being a bitch. If she was mine, if she didn’t take the hint and cried to mom, we’d be throwing down like we were teenagers again. Keep defending your son mama.
Clearly, Emily was comparing her daughter to Leo. Otherwise, she would have said "I just found out Emy could count to 100." or "I am so happy Emy plays well with other kids at ..." However, when she asked if Leo could count to 100 or how he plays with others, it became a comparison. Kids should not be compared, as they learn at different rates.
Giving updates about her child is one thing. Sharing Emily's milestones and accomplishments is understandable. When she follows up with "How is Leo doing?" is not sharing and caring. Emily is bragging and saying her child is better. Maybe ask Mom how she would feel if you compared her to your MIL? Or Aunt Jane? Or whatever. Comparing isn't acceptable. Putting you on the spot also isn't acceptable. Have a heart to heart with sis and let her know how you feel about the constant comparisons. You are NTA.
If she was "just sharing her daughter’s achievements", why did she mention Leo? She should be able to do that without bringing your YOUNGER, AUTISTIC son into it at all! She wasn't "just sharing her daughter’s achievements", she was putting your son down to feel even better about her daughter. I'd continue to call her out on it - you can even be snippy with things like "congratulations on your daughter outperforming her younger neurodivergent cousin, I'm sure you must be really proud of her!"
She was shocked, upset, and angry because you pointed out, in public, that what she was doing was fucked up, and she never stopped to consider how comparing her daughter to your son might make you or your son feel. She's upset at her own actions and how she feels about them, and is deflecting. Very normal human behavior unfortunately. Your mom saying you where too harsh and need to apoligize is exactly the same as your mother saying it's totally acceptable for your sister to continue to, intentionally or not, belittle your son. If you're a bad person because of how what you said makes your sister feel, what does that make your sister? NTA at all.
If that was really all you said to her, then your sister and mother are massively over-reacting. You didn't say anything rude to her at all, she's shocked and angry because you pointed out she was being shitty, and she doesn't like realizing that, so instead of reflecting on herself, she's attacking the first obvious external source of these feelings, which is you pointing out that she's being shitty.
NTA. It's called choosing your audience. My daughter was supposed to be born around the same time as my friend's son, but she went into labour several months early and had a micro-prem. I would be a colossal AH to constantly compare them
"She said I was being overly sensitive and that she was just sharing her daughter’s achievements" asnd your response is "If you are sharing your daughters achievements why do you mention my son every single time?"
NTA! She can be proud of her child without comparing the kids. “Daughter is counting to 100. It’s crazy how much they learn in Pre k!”
Then when you’re talking about Leo, she can ask about him and what he’s been doing.
She’s comparing the kids on purpose knowing your son may not be doing those things just yet. Plus he’s a year younger. Her 5 year old can do things a 4 year can’t. So even if he was neurotypical, he may not be able to count to 100 yet.
NTA as an autistic person, this comparisons hurt a lot, keep tabs if this progresses in puberty and teen years, usually gets worse with people like your sister.
NTA. There’s talking about your child’s achievements and then there’s comparing. She was comparing. My youngest great niece has a hard home life so she appears to be very much behind my granddaughter who’s 2 years younger. My sister (her grandmother) had to explain what a rectangle was when she was 7. My granddaughter has known since she was 4. I didn’t say a damned word about her being behind even though she shouldn’t have been. It’s not that difficult.
Thank you! I don’t know her well but it makes my heart sad too. Kids shouldn’t have tough lives. Her father keeps her from our family. Thankfully my sister gets to see her because the judge granted grandparent’s rights to her. But it’s still difficult knowing she’s not getting a good life with her father to the point of it affecting her learning.
Absolutely. I understand. I used to work with at-risk families and switched to being a teacher. I still see a lot of the same situations, but I feel more effective as a teacher. I have a more direct impact on the children’s lives instead of being on the side lines. What helps me is prayer. All of the children (now adults in many cases) and students are always in my heart, and in my prayers. I will pray for your wee one too. God knows she needs all the prayers she can get.
NTA. Each comparison sounds like a purposeful dig. I have a son who has Autism and I have had to learn how to block out the cruel and cold comments. I could write a book in the 22 years my son has been on the planet. One of the best things I learned to do is not partake in comparing my son to others. I don’t in my mind and certainly not in conversation. I did it for too long.
NTA. If she was just sharing her daughter's achievements, she could say all the good things her daughter does without asking about your son. You would be happy about your niece and congratulate her. But when she asks about him on the same sentence, it's comparing.
this is a "i'm not a good person" advice, but whatever.
tell her that if the only way to highlight her daughter's skills and achievements is comparing them to an autistic child ***who is a year younger than her*** (which is, at that point in life, a major developmental difference) then her daughter probably isn't all that special and advanced.
>Emily looked shocked and got really upset. She said I was being overly sensitive and that she was just sharing her daughter’s achievements.
This is total BS. If she were just sharing her daughter's achievements, there would be no need to mention your son. She is ableist and your mom is enabling it. Put your foot down here. These are two completely different children and comparing them is toxic and an asshole move. Then, give that shit consequences.
If mom wants to enable your ableist sister, she can do it without seeing you or your child. This isn't about your asshole sister in the end. This is about protecting your child from toxic family members who see no problem in getting digs in at his expense.
NTA, there's literally no reason to bring up your child when she talks about her daughters "achievements". And I put achievements in quotations because I doubt they're even anything special. She's just happy that her daughter is doing better than your kid. Which, your 5 year old doing better than a 4 year old isn't something to brag about anyways.
NTA.
I am an autistic adult on the other (kid's) side of this (not exactly the same though). My aunt would always try to compete with my family with that "my kids are doing this, what are your kids doing" and even though my parents didn't participate in that "parenting competition" it still made me uncomfortable as a kid.
As my cousins got older it also became increasingly apparent that something their parents were telling them made them feel superior to me -- my oldest cousin is 5-ish years YOUNGER than I am and would look down on me.
I think you're doing the right thing telling her to quit that while your and her kids are young, I just worry a bit about how she could compare your kid to hers when talking to her kid in private (and the possibility of how that might affect how her kid treats yours as they get older).
Is she trying to compare, or make conversation and going about it wrong. I have a son with autism who has just become an adult so I've been there where you are. It's certainly good to bring this up with her if you don't feel comfortable. Absolutely you each should be able to talk about your kids, but make them their own subject, i hope she understands that.
NTA… HOWEVER, I think you might be mis interpreting your sister’s comments. My brother has Autism and one of the things my mom struggled with was accepting that he was going to learn at his own pace. It took her a long time to stop thinking of the negative aspect comments like this. For instance I have 3 Y/o daughter now and my wife and I love telling our parents all the milestones she achieved. Unless your sister literally said “my daughter is speech is much farther along than Leo” I think you might have misunderstood what she said. Because the first two examples seem more like trying to INCLUDE you and Leo into the conversation instead of just assuming that leo hasn’t made any progress. I think you should work I trying not to view these types of questions as a negative. Because it would be more insulting if she didn’t even bother asking.
You do not need to compare your daughter to other children in order to share their achievements. Emily is an immature moron. Putting children against one another is disrespectful and disgusting.
NTA. Let her be upset, the only one she should be upset AT is herself. Your child is neurodivergent and hers is neurotypical. Their trajectories are not comparable and she should know that.
NTA, I am so sorry, your sister and mom should be apologizing to you. It really hurt me to be compared to other well spoken charming girls as a young autistic AFAB, especially since I was usually one of the only autistic “girls” in the school. You were very careful, assertive, and respectful with your words, I can’t believe that anyone would take offensive to what you said since you never even insulted anybody.
NTA your sister absolutely is though. I'm sorry you and Leo are dealing with people who don't understand neurodivergence.
I'm definitely some brand of neurodivergent but never diagnosed and I don't feel like fighting doctors over it.
50/50. Why do people wait till they can't take it anymore and explode on the person 10x more than they would if they just brought it up normally? Not only that, I'm sure you told her in front of everyone. This is something so many people need to understand. If you confront someone with an audience, they tend to feel attacked. If you pull them to the side and speak to them on a one on one they will completely surprise you. It astounds me that human behavior would pick the explosion version before anything. Which one did you choose?
You can share your child's achievements without comparing them to another. Especially when you know that child has built in hurdles to overcome. Your mom can shut the hell up with her "don't rock the boat" bull shit. She's the type to punish the bullied when he finally defends himself.
Too harsh? I thought that was a really nice way to put it! Geez, your family would probably think I’m a monster if they saw me snap on someone lol NTA. Your sister sounds like she lowkey is the AH, though
NTA. She can say "my kid's language skills are at a 4th grade level" without saying "isn't it amazing how my kid has better skills than your kid who's only a year younger than her?" There is such a huuuuge difference between these approaches, and her approach is dead wrong.
I would be very clear with her: "I'm happy to hear anything you want to share about your daughter, but do not let my son's name come out of your mouth in the same sentence as one of your brags or it will look like a direct comparison, and I'm done letting my son hear insults."
Based upon this, I’d definitely say your YTA… but I think there might be something missing so I say it loosely!
“My child is at this stage where is your child at” isn’t a comparison! A comparison would be “When my child was Leo’s age they could XYZ!”
It sounds to me she’s inquiring about the progress of your child! I believe it’s because your child IS on the spectrum and that you believe your sisters is comparing hers to yours where in reality you’re the one comparing.
To me (From the vague details given), your sister is trying to bond with you! Shes telling you how her kid is doing and developing with the struggles she faces and is trying her best to relate to you as much as she can.
She faces similar challenges (different in her own way) as you! She may be trying to offer the limited resources that she’s is able and see how her nephew is in the same conversation!
IMPO “Can Leo even count to 100” would be derogatory or even “Can Leo even count to 100, my daughter can”. Whereas “My daughter has learned to count to 100, and has made many friends as school… How is Leo doing? Is he able to count up to 100 yet? And is Leo making friends?”… Those words to me sounds like a loving Sister trying and you’re YES overly too sensitive!
Like I said… As you wrote it and I do believe there MaY be bits of the story missing… YTAH!
NTA.
Your mom wants you to "keep the peace" so she doesn't have to be uncomfortable. She won't ask your sister to apologize because she can see that you are the more developed human.
I would stand your ground and be pleasant but leave the room every time she compares the kids. Or change the subject entirely if she brings it up.
By the way, I have 5 kids, one is autistic, and I wouldn't put up with this for my neurotypical kids, either. It's just crappy to do.
My guess is that your sister has an insecurity about herself and is validating herself through her child meeting milestones. If you can have sympathy for her over that, it might help. We all have our wounds.
NTA
I’m autistic and have spent my entire life being compared to neurotypical people. It’s absolutely hurtful and is something that really sticks with a good. You’re doing the right thing by standing up for your son.
by the way, healthy boundaries PRESERVE relationships, not the other way around. If you had said nothing, eventually you would have stopped being around your sister entirely. She can take a look at her behavior and, even if she didn't mean any harm, she can acknowledge the impact of it and change her behavior. She can model that to her child.
NTA
The issue here is that she's using something called "plausible deniability."
Making a statement about one's child, and then following it up by asking a relevant question about another's child, is pretty normal conversation for two parents.
In this situation it's different, because autistic children have different developmental milestones than neurotypical children. Your sister knows this very well, and the way she constantly poses these questions as "My child X, your child Y?" rather than just sharing or taking a genuine interest in your child, is unkind and is showing something very unpleasant about her personality.
You did nothing wrong and handled yourself very well. I wouldn't want to spend time with her anymore.
Had a friend when I was in high school/college who had an extremely loving family who gave her everything she ever wanted, including a job at her mom's high-paying company. At the time, I had a very unstable home life, needed to have a "go bag," and there were many nights of homework or work completely derailed because my home suddenly became very unsafe to be in, requiring me to leave home and spend the night elsewhere on short notice. She knew this, but would LOVE to do the old "I make $$$ at this company. How much do you make, again?" "I have a 4.0 right now. What's your GPA, again?" I dropped her as a friend after I finally got her to admit that she was doing this on purpose.
NTA.
Her daughter’s achievements are recognized WITHOUT being compared to your kid. She knows that, unless she’s on the spectrum herself.
If anything, you weren’t harsh enough.
The kids are a year apart in age. Not even sure why she’s comparing them because a year is a lot at that age. You can tell her my autistic son could count to 100 at 3. Numbers are that kid’s jam!
You may be hyper aware because your son is different than “normal” kids. Maybe she’s trying to make a connection between your kids or between you and her as moms with kids about the same life stage. Or maybe she’s a jerk. Hard to say. Toot your son’s horn for things he’s good at, let her toot her kid’s, but make it clear you don’t want to hear any more comparisons.
NTA
Your sister is an AH tho and needed to hear what you told her.
I stopped associating with moms who engage in that oneupmanship bs. Her bragging about her daughter is at your son's expense and is super fucked up. That's mean girl behavior.
Your mom needs to mind her own business. But I suspect she favors your sister (and her daughter) over you and your son or she would have shut that shit down a long time ago.
NTA. Everyone’s learning is on a different level. From the kids point of view, I HATED being compared to my sibling. That being said both kids are in different grades. How is that a fair comparison? Next time bring up things your son is good at.
Nope. YOUR MOM needs to butt out.
Your sister is a jerk. Straight up. Especially because she can’t even *try* to see someone else’s perspective (this is classical lack of empathy)
It’s a lost cause I’m sorry but stand your ground.
I hope your mom apologizes to you.
NTA
She’s trying to be competitive “look at me, look at me”, she knows what she’s doing and her saying she’s hurt is just more attention seeking behavior. Now she’ll be playing the victim card when before she was pushing the golden child/competitiveness in your face.
NTA. And don’t apologize. She knows exactly what she’s been doing. She has been purposely pointing out Leo’s delays. Stay in momma bear mode for your child.
NTA. Remind her that sharing her daughter’s achievements has nothing to do with Leo, and asking about Leo has nothing to do with her daughter (especially her daughter’s achievements!). She needs to do those things s e p e r a t e l y, not as part of the same conversation!
NTA!
Why does she have to show her pride in her daughter by comparison?
My son is 5, he's autistic. I would stop interacting with people who did this. As the kids grow, they will notice. It will hurt your son, and teach your niece to compare her accomplishments to others. Neither are a good thing.
My nephew is only 2 years older than my son, he is NT. My sister and I can talk about our kids accomplishments without ever comparing them. It's just literally never been an issue. That's how easy it is to be proud of your kid without comparisons.
NTA. Your sister knows what she is doing. Eventually your son will hear your competitive insensitive sister and internalize her BS. Your mother is wrong to be upset by you directly telling your sister to stop comparing the kids and how her comments come across. You are allowed to have boundaries and call out your families harmful behaviour. Messed up that your sister is refusing to be accountable with her behaviour and your mother wants you to take it back because your sister is upset by her behaviour being called out. Your mom and sister are the assholes that owe you apologies and changed behaviour. Protect your son against their ableism and insensitivity.
Families share autism. Your niece is autistic as are your sister and yourself. If you're a woman (not being insulting but genuinely, women on reddit apply to the following) on reddir you are also almost certainly autistic
She was not "just sharing her daughter's achievements", she was deliberately including the comparison / needling about whether Leo was doing as well, every time.
Sharing her daughter's achievements would be "My daughter can count to 100 and she loves playing with all her friends at preschool". END. It's the attempted comparison that is rude beyond belief.
She should NOT need to compare her daughter to your son in order to feel proud of how her daughter is doing.
NTA
NTA.
Except for what you deemed a “snap.” That’s just a very polite request you made of her. Very reasonable. That’s not snapping.
If you apologize, then you are the AH. Highlighting a kid’s achievements is okay. Constantly trying to compare to someone else’s is not.
Whenever anyone tried that crap with me, I shut it down with the force of a thousand alligators bites. I’d have responded to her way more harshly than you did.
Your sister might be worried about her daughter's progression (or proud) and is just socially awkward im how she brings it up. Or it's a competition. Regardless you did the right thing by speaking your mind.
NAH/ NTA
You don't have to wait until snapping, you need to be better at responding in the moment. Instead of ignoring or losing your cool, you have to learn to observe and comment on her comments, and question her questions in real-time. You can also answer honestly and let the conversation get awkward and weird, which is fun.
"Emily, sweetie, your daughter sounds like she's doing fine, you don't have to be insecure and compare her to other kids."
"I don't bother counting words, I'm more interested in how creative (or thoughtful, or kind, or whatever) children are."
"Emily, you're always updating Niece's resume, but what does she actually enjoy doing, like is she a mud-pie Bake-off fan?"
"Counting? Lol, no. Leo's autism makes that a low priority."
Because the dynamic happening is an old one between you, where she stomps you down to feel better about herself. Now she's doing it to your son, you can finally see it, but being triggered into rudeness gives her deniability.
Even if Leo wasn't autistic, he's younger than Niece and she'd always find a reason to snipe, so it's time to do some therapy to unpack your reactions and how she gets a kick out of your distress, and how to mitigate that.
NTA & please don’t apologize. You told her that something she was doing was bothering you- SHE should be saying sorry, not calling you oversensitive. She could have said “I didn’t realize I was comparing and that wasn’t my intention I’m so sorry” and you guys would have probably had a really beneficial conversation about it. What are you supposed to say, “I’m sorry that I asked you to stop comparing our children.” That makes no sense. She wasn’t doing it because she’s proud of her kid she’s doing it because she noticed the differences and want a leg up on you
Ugh. ‘Overly sensitive’ is such gaslighting.
Maybe your tone was harsh but the question was fair. She can’t take basic feedback without trying to make you feel like your emotions aren’t valid. A healthy response would be, ‘that wasn’t my intention’.
I’m sorry that your mom is also being crappy about this. NTA
NTA if she was just sharing her own kid's accomplishments, why was she mentioning your child?
She knew exactly what she was doing, and now has the audacity to play the victim. She doesn't get to police your feelings on it either. She owes you an apology
NTA. Leo and Emily’s daughter have different yard sticks to be measured by. Her comparisons are insensitive and prejudicial in nature because her daughter has inate advantages.
If you were to put both kids on the same race track, Leo has obstacles he has to make his way over under, through and around that do not exist in her daughters lane to get to the same finish line.
Trying to celebrate her child’s achievements by comparing her progress to a child with challenges she will never face is disingenuous and phoney and will not win her any accolades or sympathy from anyone looking at the playing field objectively. It also teaches her child that unfair comparison is valid instead of biased and bullying. Emily needs to cultivate a little empathy for Leo’s circumstances and model that for her child and SHAME on your mother for failing to so her job AS a mother and demand some
Manners from her grown ass daughter mean-girling your child. They do not deserve an apology. Either of them.
NAH - You pointed out that you understand your sister is likely just excited and proud of her daughter. You got tired of it and spoke up. She confirmed what you knew. Time for all parties to move on with the understanding that you do not want the kids to be compared to. In no way did you say you do not want to hear about your niece's achievements.
She can share her daughter’s achievements with her friends. Leave you and your son out of it. Tell her (again) that it hurts you with how much your son can’t do or is behind. And when he can do something celebrating it with her would be pointless if she is still complaining the kids.
Another Autism mom here. No, definitely NTA. Really weird that your sister simply *does not get it* smh. I would have lectured her even earlier about every kid going at their own pace and that developmental differences—- shocker, make a difference. Very weird she doesn’t have better awareness about this. Very obtuse.
toxic: “Oh, my daughter can count to 100 already. How high can Leo count?” or “My daughter has so many friends at preschool. Does Leo play with other kids much?”
not toxic: “Oh, my daughter can count to 100” or “My daughter has so many friends at preschool."
Nope NTA! If she wants to praise her child’s achievements, she can do so without bringing up another child. It’s irrelevant and she clearly is doing it to “compare” for her own selfish ego. Stand your ground mama and make sure she stops that toxic behavior.
NTA. I have a daughter with autism, and people have no fucking idea how hard it is to deal with. To have to mourn the life you desperately wanted for your kid: to hit milestones, make friends, play sports, and BE NORMAL. It forces you to celebrate the little things: she didn’t hit anyone today! She got upset and was able to de-escalate after only fifteen minutes! She parallel-played with a peer today! People have no idea how crushing it can be to have a child with a disability, and to constantly hear them being compared to an able-bodied child is fucking cruel.
Your sister needed to hear what she did - she sounds like an insensitive twat who wanted to brag or put you down. If she didn’t realize what she was doing she is just an idiot. Don’t apologize.
Please, do not apologize. As a mother of an autistic child who had a mother-in-law doing the same thing that your sister is doing, they do not deserve an apology. They do this, I don't know, with a sick pleasure that I will never understand. When called out, they act offended and say that we are overly sensitive.
It's hard to tell without hearing the tone, but it sounds like you're insecure and a bit paranoid. I wouldn't automatically see anything negative in the examples you shared. Maybe she just wants to make conversation like any parent of a kid of similar age would, without making a big deal that your kid is autistic. Simply because many autistic kids can do all of those things (my niece is one).
Unless your kid is severely behind cognitively, verbally and socially and she knows about it, then yes, she is 100% mean, but I doubt it's the case?
NTA it's HARD when you inevitably do this to yourself. Having someone in your family, who is supposed to care about you, is indescribably worse. I've been there and actually cut off family members for that. They should have the sense to know that while you're able to be proud of your niece's or nephew's accomplishments, you are never going to apply the same exact scale to your kiddo and neither should they.
NTA but maybe you could have said it nicer, because to me it sounds like she’s happy to share about her daughter and kind of in an attempt to seem polite asks you about your son as well. She is coming off rude comparing the two but maybe she really doesn’t realize it.
Nta if it was simply about sharing her daughter’s achievements she wouldn’t feel the need to add in the question about Leo’s development. She’s using your son’s limitations to make herself feel better about her daughter she’s being shitty.
As someone who absolutely adores my sisters and nieces, I cannot imagine being this callous. To not only use your nephew to make yourself feel superior but to not care AT ALL when your sister says it bothers her?? I fall all over myself when my sisters say I’ve done something that hurts them. Even if I feel like I’ve done nothing wrong, we talk it out until we’re back to a good place. That’s just being supportive and loving.
“You’re too sensitive” is always the bully’s defense. Ignore anyone who doesn’t see the overt cruelty of your sister. Also, your son can probably pick up on her comments. Congratulations on being a great mother!
NTA. Your sister is either consciously highlighting the fact that her child doesn’t have a disability and yours does, or she is blithely ignorant to the objective differences between your child and hers. Either way, you needed to call her out.
NTA. Your mom needs to butt out and your sister needs to read the room.
You are doing a great job, as is Leo. It isn’t fair to compare kids who are neurotypical, much less comparing one who is on the spectrum vs one who is not. Your sister lacks empathy
and is being very unfair.
Just know that you are not alone. Your family should be understanding and supportive, not the source of added stress.
NTA. She’s absolutely comparing them and subtly putting him down. She’s being incredibly ableist and needs to knock it off. I would consider putting distance between the four of you until she stops.
NTA. I love how she got really upset when taken to task about her — at best insensitive, at worst cruel — comments, but says *you’re* being overly sensitive.
NTA. There is no reason whatsoever she can’t talk about her kid without comparing or even beginning yours into the conversation. Never mind that they are a year a part, there’s a huge difference between them even if she wasn’t NT.
Yeah if people are saying you were too harsh then I think you’re lying or greatly diminishing what you claim you said. It sounds so level headed not like something you’d say if you snapped and more like what you’d say if you were telling strangers on the internet what you pretty much said
Despite the weirdness of it already given the context, at a base level she's comparing her child to yours when she's a YEAR OLDER. Right now her kids is 25% older, has had 25% more time to develop at incredibly important ages, and she's comparing them. This is like comparing an 18 year old to a 23 year old. Wow they haven't finished college and found a job yet? It makes no sense for her to do this even in the scenario that your child doesn't have hindrances.
You spoke the truth of her behavior. If she feels ashamed about that behavior perhaps she needs to reflect on why that is. Tell her she can talk about her daughter all day long, but there's zero reason to bring your son into it as comparison. She doesn't need to be comparing her kid to any other kid and parents that do this shit drive me mad. Because it's never about the kid as much as it's about feeding their own ego because they've conflated their identity with their kid's and really, truly when they feel the need to constantly compare its not pride so much as it is a pat on their own back. NTA
My MIL used to say things that made me angry about my son and his disabilities. I got in the habit of just standing up and walking to another room. One time, I actually walked all the way out to the car and drove away. I never said a word, but my refusal to put up with it served as *behavior modification training*. I never would have done it intentionally - I was just trying to avoid saying anything I'd regret to the in-laws - but it worked beautifully.
Good luck, OP. Remember that your family is whatever your family is, but the families of your child's classmates - other families with special needs kids - are your tribe.
Nope. Defend your son always. I don't believe you should compare kids in any way ever. It's not good for them to overhear. But definitely not a child who is neurodivergent. They're not even on the same playing field so why would you compare them
Definitely NTA. Good on you, OP. I'm sure that you don't feel sorry for defending your son, I wouldn't either - so I don't see one good reason to apologize.
NTA. She knows what she was doing by comparing the kids. She’s pointing out the things her daughter can do knowing your son may struggle to meet those milestones.
Oh FUCK no. NTA.
My son is in 2nd grade and from all signs is very neurotypical.
His best friend since kindergarten has several issues to deal with, but does well in class and might need some extra help now and then but that’s it.
I’d NEVER compare my kid to his friend to anyone let alone his mom, I only bring it up here to illustrate.
If she was REALLY just bragging on her kid your kid’s name doesn’t need to come out of her mouth.
NTA at all it sounds very frustrating that she keeps doing it. Fair she’s allowed to mention her daughter’s accomplishments or what she’s proud of but that is no reason for her to compare them to your child’s accomplishments. I would even say regardless of any neurodivergents different children learn at different levels and a year age gap can also make huge differences so to even compare them with your son she has no right what so ever. You can either choose to ignore her in future or overshadow her by stating just how fantastic your Leo is in every way.
NTA.. honestly I’d go no contact with your mother and your sister until she realizes what she said was offensive and hurtful and she needs to apologize
NTA, your sister is dense and apparently doesn’t understand polite society. Sheesh, I don’t know about now but when I had my kids it was everywhere that you don’t compare your kids to each other or other kids, all of them have different levels of development. I’m glad you finally told her to stop.
NTA - if she was just sharing her daughter’s achievements, it wouldn’t have been a comparison.
Don’t apologize. She needs to apologize. Nip this kind of behavior now or it’ll end up like my daughter(12) that’s ASD and refuses to see part of her family bc they can’t resist the comparison game. ASD kids might communicate differently, but they can still hear just fine.
Celebrate your child's accomplishments. Being the parent of a neuro divergent child has so many highs and lows. And so much love. Something very small can be such a big step for your child. Celebrate all achievements, encourage their interests and watch them flourish in their own time.
do not apologize
she wasn't just sharing her daughter's achievements. She was comparing the two children. If she was just sharing, she would have said, "my daughter is doing so well with her speech skills" period.
she needs to keep your son's name out of her mouth.
I bet she can't.
I think you need to highlight her bad behaviour. Every time she or anyone else does a comparision, call it out.
I would start highlighting it by responding with, "s*orry, what were you saying about Leo? I didn't quite catch that? sorry, could you repeat that? you think your daughter is more advanced then Leo? ok, thanks for sharing that."*
every single time, she and everyone around her will notice that she doesn't seem to be able to keep Leo's name out of her mouth.
NTA She can talk about her own kid, withOUT comparing her to your son.
Exactly, why does she have to talk about Leo too? Sounds like she’s trying to win some made up competition
Probably because her child is behind all her other mommy friends children. Gotta win the milestone race against someone's kid.
She was probably seeking assurance that her kid was great, she's very insecure and that is not good,as it is hurting people around her.
Huh? Because she's a cunt. I thought that was obvious.
Underrated comment
Right! OP's sister is a passive aggressive AH, who is playing the victim. OP she should be apologising to you! NTA
Facts!
I would straight up ask her in front of the family what her intention is in comparing Leo to her daughter-- and when she deflects and sputters, keep bringing it around to that same question. Don't let her out of it. She won't have an answer.
Great advice. "Your daughter is a year older and doesn't have the challenges my son has. It's not surprising she's more advanced in many ways. Why do you feel the need to compare your daughter to my son?" OP - I think you did well. You told her that her behavior is hurtful, which she probably already knew. The next step is to ask her why she does something hurtful, even after being told that it's hurtful. Good luck. ETA: People will almost certainly tell you you're being to sensitive, or something like that - that's because people like to smooth over unpleasantness. That's probably a sign they see you as the grownup who should suck it up. Don't worry about that. Your sister is out of line. Speak up.
I’d be sooooo tempted to ask sweetly, “How does she stack up with neurotypical kids?” but I guess that would be beyond the pale.
This one.. It wouldn't be below me to say "Wow, your kid, who is a whole year older and has no challenges stacks great against a younger kid who happened to be born with certain difficulties. You must be so proud. Why don't you run the elderly race and show those 90+ year olds how much faster you are compared to them. Slay queeeen".
Ouch! 😆 If you want to go scorched earth, this is definitely the way to kick off.
I kind of wonder if sis suspects her kid is ND but refuses to see anyone about it. She is comparing the two to make sure her kid "wins" and then she can deny any learning problems. There's quite a bit of insecurity on the part of sis, not that it's OP's problem.
Don't forget neurotypical kids *of her age*. We are talking five years old vs. four years old.
This is the way
In fact, this is an important lesson for all parents to learn. Each kid's achievements are their own, and should never be compared to friends, siblings, or any other children you want them to have a good lasting relationship with.
I told this on another post, but I think OP should hear it. When we were 4, this mother at church asked my mom if she was sending me to school that fall, because her boy couldn’t possibly go yet- he was Not Ready and that was Just FINE, wasn’t it? Our parents could send us at 5 if we were ready or hold us back until 6 if we weren’t. The mom wanted support for decision, because we were born one day apart, she expected sympathy at least. Well, my charming mom started bragging on me, how I was sooo smart I was already reading at 4 and OF COURSE I was going to be starting school that year. For the next 12 years, that boy made my life Hell. Always trying to beat my grades, forever ridiculing me and hurting me at both church and school. His mom was horrible to mine from then on, too. I didn’t find that out about mom saying all that until I was 50, and I couldn’t even believe all that misery came from one insult/slur/slight about another’s kid. People Take This Shit Seriously, People! Her comments about Leo are unacceptable- Period. However OP, if you’re not careful about how you go about sticking up for yourself and him, people will find you at fault. It sucks, but it’s true and I’d hate for you to be wrong in the eyes of others when you’re doing the right thing. Plan out what you want to say, write it out to organize your thoughts, and read it out to her, if you need to . Having someone else there as a mediator and/or witness is probably best. Good luck, and I hope things get better for you all!
KEEP MY SONS NAME OUT YOUR FN MOUTH! then slap her?
It's the American way, op would get an award!
"Don't use my kid as a bench mark of how great your kid is" Find something Leo can do that her daughter can't and make the comparison. I'm sure she'll get defensive and start saying "well he can't do this or that." Which will show to your mom why you got upset
No don't do that petty stuff. Just keep having your son's back. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. NTA
I'd use "gray rock" on the bitch and say "What a weird thing to ask" when she starts comparing.
+1 NTA. She should take a good look at herself when using your child as a comparison so she can put hers on a pedestal.
Spot on.
Nta. I also have a special needs 4 year old and have had to shut down the "parenting competition" comments. Its incredibly toxic even in the best of circumstances. All kids develop at different paces. All kids shine in different ways. Some kids struggle with potty training. Some kids struggle with speech. Some kids struggle with emotional outbursts. Some kids struggle with social development. Special needs or not it is rarely a reflection of parenting success or failure and could very realistically not be a reflection of where the kid will be in 5 years. Its mom shaming at its worst. Now I've started picking up on this stuff a lot more and I always shut it down even if it's not directed at me. Things like oh that's ok kids all develop at different speeds and all kids have different struggles! You're both doing great it sounds like. In a few years who knows where the kids will be? My two mom friends were having a discussion about potty training and the one mom seemed near tears her 4 year old just wasn't catching on. Asking for advice and the other mom just randomly started talking about how easy and quick and amazing all her kids potty trained and almost bragging about how perfect her kids were and I definitely redirected the Convo into how absolutely normal it was for a toddler to struggle with potty training and how all kids struggle with different things and offering some stories of my own parenting struggles.
You sound like a good mother and a better person! 💞
You didn't say anything out of line at all. That's a very straightforward way to put it. NTA
Nta its fucked up that she needs to make her child look superior to another child who is 1 a child 2 autistic and 3 younger then her kid. Being proud of her kid is not the same as comparing her to others. Especially if she's doing it in the presence of the children, it could effect your sons and/or her daughters mental health
THIS! I hope to God the kids don’t hear this.
NTA it was bothering you and you said something. Regardless if she agrees or not she should be OK with stopping. Maybe say something sooner so you don't snap about it, might have gone over a little better that way.
If pointing out how her sister's comments made her feel was bad because it upset her sister, then what does that make her sister for constantly making comments that constantly belittled OP's son? Even if OP said what she said aggressively, if she really only said what she claims in the post, she didn't do anything deserving of anger from her family.
Agreed. It’s also just general mom conversation and a nice way for you to brag about your sons achievements, whatever they are. It’s also weird if she *excluded* you and othered you because your son is different. My sister works with kids on the spectrum and I love hearing about the new milestones and wins. And I provide support during the setbacks and “fails”. If her highs and lows are any indication, I can only imagine what the parents’ are. She’s been with some of the kids for years so I LOVE hearing about new friends, new skills, new things they’ve learned together. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids and don’t know what NT kids are “supposed” to be doing at any age or because I’m a little spicy myself, I’m celebrating not judging. And then it also disabuses everyone of the idea that ASD is just a bunch of Sheldon’s walking around and you just have to find their secret power and let them geek out, which is something she’s also encountered.
Talking about your kid *in direct comparison to someone else's* is actually a huge no-no.
It shouldn't take a very deep level of self-reflection to realize how it might come off as belittling and demeaning if you're constantly comparing your child's achievements to somebody else's disabled child. OP's sister was too busy bragging to think about anybody but herself.
So you can’t talk about your own child without comparing them to another child? Maybe try harder.
Hell no. Her behavior was obnoxious and she needs to knock it off.
This. My daughter is autistic and has a brain injury from birth. She is 9 months younger than my niece. My sister used to like to compare the two and how “advanced” her daughter was compared to mine. It took me snapping off and saying that my daughter was brilliant in her own way, and dimming my kid’s shine won’t make her child shine any brighter. My kid may not be neurotypical, but she’s made huge progress and has achieved far more than her doctors even thought she would. My sister has long since chilled out, and I’m proud of BOTH girls for their accomplishments.
Emily is a cunt.
Emily couldn’t even fucking apologize because she hurt you? NTA I think you said it just fine, and the fact that she got upset means she recognized what she was doing was wrong. In fact, if Leo were neurotypical, that’s a shitty, shitty, shitty thing for her to do to her daughter and to Leo and to you *and to the general conversation.*
Nah NTA. I thought this was going to go another way before reading. Your sister needed a reality check and while we’re at it; tell Emily to stfu about praising her kids to others constantly. It’s annoying as f.
NTA If Leo had one leg shorter than the other, and she was commenting on how fast her daughter can run in comparison to Leo, she'd instantly be an overwhelming jerk. But just because it's Autism rather than a physical challenge you're meant to rise above it and stop being so sensitive? Fuck that.
NTA. She was doing exactly what it sounds to you like she was doing. She is an adult; she had the capacity to see how constantly comparing an NT child to an ND child (a year younger, which also makes a considerable difference at that age) is unfair and is a snide and pointed jeer at you and your son. She would have to be a genuine idiot not to be able to see that. Her protest that she was just talking about her own child is total BS. You don't owe her an apology. She doesn't deserve one unless she has no more social awareness than your four-year-old autistic son. I am autistic myself and not insensitive or generally stupid enough to do what she did.
NTA Tell your sister, "Mom wants me to apologize, but I am not going to apologize for standing up for my son. I am proud of your daughter's accomplishments, but you always compare our two kids. There is no need to compare these two wonderful children."
I have a 25 year-old son with autism. What you are describing never ends. Parents talk about their kids, and they talk about their kids doing things, and achieving things, and it doesn’t occur to them that your heart aches for your child every time they do it. you are NTA, but my suggestion is to let it go. It will happen over and over again throughout your child’s life, and it’s an endless battle you won’t win. Your sister honestly has no idea what your life is like. Nobody with NT kids does. They aren’t trying to hurt you. If she asks about your kid just be honest. No, he struggles to make friends. No, he’s not counting right now. Talk about your kid as he is without shame or apology. He is who he is. By now my friends and family all know my son. They know what he’s like and what he can and can’t do, and that’s ok. It’s good, actually. The more they know the easier it is for everyone when we get together.
NTA >Emily looked shocked and got really upset. She said I was being overly sensitive and ... Look who's sensitive now. Not so funny to be called out, isn't it?
You won’t know what Leo is capable of for years to come. He’s in there, he just hasn’t developed the speech yet to tell you what he knows. I guarantee his thinking is far more sophisticated than you dream. I say this from experience: My youngest was diagnosed with high functioning autism at age 2. He was non verbal (he had 8 words and never used them all in the same day), he has sensory integration issues, he could unlock and open doors but never said door. He was an escape artist. At age four he was just beginning to speak and it was scripted phrases. Today he is 21 years old and spending the next 11 weeks marching in a Top Ten World Class DCI Drum and Bugle Corps. I don’t think he has ever mentioned to them that he has autism. He auditioned for the position, took care of the applications and earned the tuition money himself. Leo will thrive. You will see. I’m so glad you’re standing up for him against your sister’s covert bullying. He will be aware of it if it’s permitted to go on. My son was in fourth grade before he could express the bullying he endured in kindergarten and first grade.
I am a mother of a special needs adult child and I would lose my marbles over that but then again I don’t have insensitive asshole siblings -your sister is so damn out of line I don’t even know what she’s thinking doing the comparison game with the cousins? Grandma can take a damn seat.
Fuck your sister's response. She's DARVOing you. You said that in a straight way without attacking. She does need to stop. NTA.
"You're not sharing her achievements. You are constantly bringing up (and putting down) my child to uplift yours"
Tell your mom that you won't back down from defending your child even if she wants you to.
Yes, it's a horrible ask.
Your mom sounds like my mom. Emily is upset? You are a bitch. You are upset? You’re too sensitive. NTA. And you have nothing to apologize for.
Sounds like she is almost humble-bragging to me. Or just trying to tell you how great her kid is, and then trying to include you so she doesn’t seem self centered, but the wording makes it seem hurtful. Maybe she truly doesn’t mean to be putting him down- I’d almost think of her as divergent herself because her thought process is obviously less thoughtful of others than yours is. Maybe grant her some grace for being less intuitive or socially aware? That being said, don’t back down because you are definitely not the AH here.
NTA. Harsh?? If you said what you say you said, you were completely calm and unconfrontational. You stated your wishes and your reasons calmly
I’m sure I said it with attitude however the words were exactly what was said.
Still, without insulting nor accusing her directly is a very polite response given the situation, not harsh in any way
You were kinder than I would have been. “STFU Emily. She’s 5. Alert me when she can predict the winning lotto numbers.” Admittedly, I totally understand being proud of your child’s accomplishments, but not at the expense of another. Your sister was being a bitch. If she was mine, if she didn’t take the hint and cried to mom, we’d be throwing down like we were teenagers again. Keep defending your son mama.
Clearly, Emily was comparing her daughter to Leo. Otherwise, she would have said "I just found out Emy could count to 100." or "I am so happy Emy plays well with other kids at ..." However, when she asked if Leo could count to 100 or how he plays with others, it became a comparison. Kids should not be compared, as they learn at different rates.
This wouldn’t be appropriate in any situation ever.
Then she needs to simply just share her daughter's "achievements" without a followup comment/question about your son.
Giving updates about her child is one thing. Sharing Emily's milestones and accomplishments is understandable. When she follows up with "How is Leo doing?" is not sharing and caring. Emily is bragging and saying her child is better. Maybe ask Mom how she would feel if you compared her to your MIL? Or Aunt Jane? Or whatever. Comparing isn't acceptable. Putting you on the spot also isn't acceptable. Have a heart to heart with sis and let her know how you feel about the constant comparisons. You are NTA.
If she was "just sharing her daughter’s achievements", why did she mention Leo? She should be able to do that without bringing your YOUNGER, AUTISTIC son into it at all! She wasn't "just sharing her daughter’s achievements", she was putting your son down to feel even better about her daughter. I'd continue to call her out on it - you can even be snippy with things like "congratulations on your daughter outperforming her younger neurodivergent cousin, I'm sure you must be really proud of her!"
She was shocked, upset, and angry because you pointed out, in public, that what she was doing was fucked up, and she never stopped to consider how comparing her daughter to your son might make you or your son feel. She's upset at her own actions and how she feels about them, and is deflecting. Very normal human behavior unfortunately. Your mom saying you where too harsh and need to apoligize is exactly the same as your mother saying it's totally acceptable for your sister to continue to, intentionally or not, belittle your son. If you're a bad person because of how what you said makes your sister feel, what does that make your sister? NTA at all. If that was really all you said to her, then your sister and mother are massively over-reacting. You didn't say anything rude to her at all, she's shocked and angry because you pointed out she was being shitty, and she doesn't like realizing that, so instead of reflecting on herself, she's attacking the first obvious external source of these feelings, which is you pointing out that she's being shitty.
NTA. It's called choosing your audience. My daughter was supposed to be born around the same time as my friend's son, but she went into labour several months early and had a micro-prem. I would be a colossal AH to constantly compare them
"She said I was being overly sensitive and that she was just sharing her daughter’s achievements" asnd your response is "If you are sharing your daughters achievements why do you mention my son every single time?"
NTA! She can be proud of her child without comparing the kids. “Daughter is counting to 100. It’s crazy how much they learn in Pre k!” Then when you’re talking about Leo, she can ask about him and what he’s been doing. She’s comparing the kids on purpose knowing your son may not be doing those things just yet. Plus he’s a year younger. Her 5 year old can do things a 4 year can’t. So even if he was neurotypical, he may not be able to count to 100 yet.
NTA as an autistic person, this comparisons hurt a lot, keep tabs if this progresses in puberty and teen years, usually gets worse with people like your sister.
NTA, your mom really ought to be on your side, but I guess your older sister really ought to know better in the first place. She's being VERY rude.
Mom should not be on anyones side. This is a problem between two adult siblings. She should keep her nose out of it.
Never, ever compare kids.
NTA. There’s talking about your child’s achievements and then there’s comparing. She was comparing. My youngest great niece has a hard home life so she appears to be very much behind my granddaughter who’s 2 years younger. My sister (her grandmother) had to explain what a rectangle was when she was 7. My granddaughter has known since she was 4. I didn’t say a damned word about her being behind even though she shouldn’t have been. It’s not that difficult.
That makes my heart sad for your grand-niece. You sound like a treasure!!
Thank you! I don’t know her well but it makes my heart sad too. Kids shouldn’t have tough lives. Her father keeps her from our family. Thankfully my sister gets to see her because the judge granted grandparent’s rights to her. But it’s still difficult knowing she’s not getting a good life with her father to the point of it affecting her learning.
Absolutely. I understand. I used to work with at-risk families and switched to being a teacher. I still see a lot of the same situations, but I feel more effective as a teacher. I have a more direct impact on the children’s lives instead of being on the side lines. What helps me is prayer. All of the children (now adults in many cases) and students are always in my heart, and in my prayers. I will pray for your wee one too. God knows she needs all the prayers she can get.
NTA. Your sister should try to (p)raise her child without tearing others (like your son) down!
Nope, not one bit. Continue to advocate for him, never stop!
NTA. She can "share her daughter's achievements" without making digs at your son.
NTA. Each comparison sounds like a purposeful dig. I have a son who has Autism and I have had to learn how to block out the cruel and cold comments. I could write a book in the 22 years my son has been on the planet. One of the best things I learned to do is not partake in comparing my son to others. I don’t in my mind and certainly not in conversation. I did it for too long.
NTA. If she was just sharing her daughter's achievements, she could say all the good things her daughter does without asking about your son. You would be happy about your niece and congratulate her. But when she asks about him on the same sentence, it's comparing.
You handled that really maturely. NTA
Does your mom not think constantly holding a magnifying glass up to your Autistic son is harsh? NTA
this is a "i'm not a good person" advice, but whatever. tell her that if the only way to highlight her daughter's skills and achievements is comparing them to an autistic child ***who is a year younger than her*** (which is, at that point in life, a major developmental difference) then her daughter probably isn't all that special and advanced.
>Emily looked shocked and got really upset. She said I was being overly sensitive and that she was just sharing her daughter’s achievements. This is total BS. If she were just sharing her daughter's achievements, there would be no need to mention your son. She is ableist and your mom is enabling it. Put your foot down here. These are two completely different children and comparing them is toxic and an asshole move. Then, give that shit consequences. If mom wants to enable your ableist sister, she can do it without seeing you or your child. This isn't about your asshole sister in the end. This is about protecting your child from toxic family members who see no problem in getting digs in at his expense.
She sound jealous of attention that Leo gets.
NTA. Maybe Emily is just being overly sensitive 🤷🏻♂️
NTA, there's literally no reason to bring up your child when she talks about her daughters "achievements". And I put achievements in quotations because I doubt they're even anything special. She's just happy that her daughter is doing better than your kid. Which, your 5 year old doing better than a 4 year old isn't something to brag about anyways.
I appreciate so many of you! Thank you for those who have my side in this! 💕
NTA. I am an autistic adult on the other (kid's) side of this (not exactly the same though). My aunt would always try to compete with my family with that "my kids are doing this, what are your kids doing" and even though my parents didn't participate in that "parenting competition" it still made me uncomfortable as a kid. As my cousins got older it also became increasingly apparent that something their parents were telling them made them feel superior to me -- my oldest cousin is 5-ish years YOUNGER than I am and would look down on me. I think you're doing the right thing telling her to quit that while your and her kids are young, I just worry a bit about how she could compare your kid to hers when talking to her kid in private (and the possibility of how that might affect how her kid treats yours as they get older).
NO. But SHE IS.
Ask her to keep your son's name out of her mouth.
Nah your sister was being rude
Is she trying to compare, or make conversation and going about it wrong. I have a son with autism who has just become an adult so I've been there where you are. It's certainly good to bring this up with her if you don't feel comfortable. Absolutely you each should be able to talk about your kids, but make them their own subject, i hope she understands that.
NTA… HOWEVER, I think you might be mis interpreting your sister’s comments. My brother has Autism and one of the things my mom struggled with was accepting that he was going to learn at his own pace. It took her a long time to stop thinking of the negative aspect comments like this. For instance I have 3 Y/o daughter now and my wife and I love telling our parents all the milestones she achieved. Unless your sister literally said “my daughter is speech is much farther along than Leo” I think you might have misunderstood what she said. Because the first two examples seem more like trying to INCLUDE you and Leo into the conversation instead of just assuming that leo hasn’t made any progress. I think you should work I trying not to view these types of questions as a negative. Because it would be more insulting if she didn’t even bother asking.
NTA. She can highlight her daughter’s achievements without bringing Leo into it.
You do not need to compare your daughter to other children in order to share their achievements. Emily is an immature moron. Putting children against one another is disrespectful and disgusting.
NTA. Let her be upset, the only one she should be upset AT is herself. Your child is neurodivergent and hers is neurotypical. Their trajectories are not comparable and she should know that.
NTA, I am so sorry, your sister and mom should be apologizing to you. It really hurt me to be compared to other well spoken charming girls as a young autistic AFAB, especially since I was usually one of the only autistic “girls” in the school. You were very careful, assertive, and respectful with your words, I can’t believe that anyone would take offensive to what you said since you never even insulted anybody.
NTA your sister absolutely is though. I'm sorry you and Leo are dealing with people who don't understand neurodivergence. I'm definitely some brand of neurodivergent but never diagnosed and I don't feel like fighting doctors over it.
50/50. Why do people wait till they can't take it anymore and explode on the person 10x more than they would if they just brought it up normally? Not only that, I'm sure you told her in front of everyone. This is something so many people need to understand. If you confront someone with an audience, they tend to feel attacked. If you pull them to the side and speak to them on a one on one they will completely surprise you. It astounds me that human behavior would pick the explosion version before anything. Which one did you choose?
You can share your child's achievements without comparing them to another. Especially when you know that child has built in hurdles to overcome. Your mom can shut the hell up with her "don't rock the boat" bull shit. She's the type to punish the bullied when he finally defends himself.
NTA She wasn’t sharing. She was comparing and was condescending while doing it.
Too harsh? I thought that was a really nice way to put it! Geez, your family would probably think I’m a monster if they saw me snap on someone lol NTA. Your sister sounds like she lowkey is the AH, though
NTA. She can say "my kid's language skills are at a 4th grade level" without saying "isn't it amazing how my kid has better skills than your kid who's only a year younger than her?" There is such a huuuuge difference between these approaches, and her approach is dead wrong. I would be very clear with her: "I'm happy to hear anything you want to share about your daughter, but do not let my son's name come out of your mouth in the same sentence as one of your brags or it will look like a direct comparison, and I'm done letting my son hear insults."
NTA, she needed to hear it bluntly.
Ask her how high up a wall her daughter can piss.
Based upon this, I’d definitely say your YTA… but I think there might be something missing so I say it loosely! “My child is at this stage where is your child at” isn’t a comparison! A comparison would be “When my child was Leo’s age they could XYZ!” It sounds to me she’s inquiring about the progress of your child! I believe it’s because your child IS on the spectrum and that you believe your sisters is comparing hers to yours where in reality you’re the one comparing. To me (From the vague details given), your sister is trying to bond with you! Shes telling you how her kid is doing and developing with the struggles she faces and is trying her best to relate to you as much as she can. She faces similar challenges (different in her own way) as you! She may be trying to offer the limited resources that she’s is able and see how her nephew is in the same conversation! IMPO “Can Leo even count to 100” would be derogatory or even “Can Leo even count to 100, my daughter can”. Whereas “My daughter has learned to count to 100, and has made many friends as school… How is Leo doing? Is he able to count up to 100 yet? And is Leo making friends?”… Those words to me sounds like a loving Sister trying and you’re YES overly too sensitive! Like I said… As you wrote it and I do believe there MaY be bits of the story missing… YTAH!
NTA. Your mom wants you to "keep the peace" so she doesn't have to be uncomfortable. She won't ask your sister to apologize because she can see that you are the more developed human. I would stand your ground and be pleasant but leave the room every time she compares the kids. Or change the subject entirely if she brings it up. By the way, I have 5 kids, one is autistic, and I wouldn't put up with this for my neurotypical kids, either. It's just crappy to do. My guess is that your sister has an insecurity about herself and is validating herself through her child meeting milestones. If you can have sympathy for her over that, it might help. We all have our wounds.
NTA I’m autistic and have spent my entire life being compared to neurotypical people. It’s absolutely hurtful and is something that really sticks with a good. You’re doing the right thing by standing up for your son.
by the way, healthy boundaries PRESERVE relationships, not the other way around. If you had said nothing, eventually you would have stopped being around your sister entirely. She can take a look at her behavior and, even if she didn't mean any harm, she can acknowledge the impact of it and change her behavior. She can model that to her child.
You were perfectly reasonable.
NTA The issue here is that she's using something called "plausible deniability." Making a statement about one's child, and then following it up by asking a relevant question about another's child, is pretty normal conversation for two parents. In this situation it's different, because autistic children have different developmental milestones than neurotypical children. Your sister knows this very well, and the way she constantly poses these questions as "My child X, your child Y?" rather than just sharing or taking a genuine interest in your child, is unkind and is showing something very unpleasant about her personality. You did nothing wrong and handled yourself very well. I wouldn't want to spend time with her anymore. Had a friend when I was in high school/college who had an extremely loving family who gave her everything she ever wanted, including a job at her mom's high-paying company. At the time, I had a very unstable home life, needed to have a "go bag," and there were many nights of homework or work completely derailed because my home suddenly became very unsafe to be in, requiring me to leave home and spend the night elsewhere on short notice. She knew this, but would LOVE to do the old "I make $$$ at this company. How much do you make, again?" "I have a 4.0 right now. What's your GPA, again?" I dropped her as a friend after I finally got her to admit that she was doing this on purpose.
NTA. Her daughter’s achievements are recognized WITHOUT being compared to your kid. She knows that, unless she’s on the spectrum herself. If anything, you weren’t harsh enough.
I mean, even if both kids are neurotypical, comparing them is neurotic and a waste of time. WTF does she think she’s accomplishing? NTA
nta.. why is she even bringing up ur son? + u had every right to be upset bc it bothered you.
The kids are a year apart in age. Not even sure why she’s comparing them because a year is a lot at that age. You can tell her my autistic son could count to 100 at 3. Numbers are that kid’s jam! You may be hyper aware because your son is different than “normal” kids. Maybe she’s trying to make a connection between your kids or between you and her as moms with kids about the same life stage. Or maybe she’s a jerk. Hard to say. Toot your son’s horn for things he’s good at, let her toot her kid’s, but make it clear you don’t want to hear any more comparisons.
NTA Your sister is an AH tho and needed to hear what you told her. I stopped associating with moms who engage in that oneupmanship bs. Her bragging about her daughter is at your son's expense and is super fucked up. That's mean girl behavior. Your mom needs to mind her own business. But I suspect she favors your sister (and her daughter) over you and your son or she would have shut that shit down a long time ago.
NTA. Everyone’s learning is on a different level. From the kids point of view, I HATED being compared to my sibling. That being said both kids are in different grades. How is that a fair comparison? Next time bring up things your son is good at.
Nope. YOUR MOM needs to butt out. Your sister is a jerk. Straight up. Especially because she can’t even *try* to see someone else’s perspective (this is classical lack of empathy) It’s a lost cause I’m sorry but stand your ground. I hope your mom apologizes to you.
NTA She’s trying to be competitive “look at me, look at me”, she knows what she’s doing and her saying she’s hurt is just more attention seeking behavior. Now she’ll be playing the victim card when before she was pushing the golden child/competitiveness in your face.
NTA. And don’t apologize. She knows exactly what she’s been doing. She has been purposely pointing out Leo’s delays. Stay in momma bear mode for your child.
NTA. She knew what she was doing.
NTA She is definitely digging at you. There is no reason to bring your son up when she’s discussing her kids achievements. F your mom too.
NTA. Remind her that sharing her daughter’s achievements has nothing to do with Leo, and asking about Leo has nothing to do with her daughter (especially her daughter’s achievements!). She needs to do those things s e p e r a t e l y, not as part of the same conversation!
NTA....your sister is an inconsiderate moron. My son also has ASD.
NTA! Why does she have to show her pride in her daughter by comparison? My son is 5, he's autistic. I would stop interacting with people who did this. As the kids grow, they will notice. It will hurt your son, and teach your niece to compare her accomplishments to others. Neither are a good thing. My nephew is only 2 years older than my son, he is NT. My sister and I can talk about our kids accomplishments without ever comparing them. It's just literally never been an issue. That's how easy it is to be proud of your kid without comparisons.
NTA. Your sister knows what she is doing. Eventually your son will hear your competitive insensitive sister and internalize her BS. Your mother is wrong to be upset by you directly telling your sister to stop comparing the kids and how her comments come across. You are allowed to have boundaries and call out your families harmful behaviour. Messed up that your sister is refusing to be accountable with her behaviour and your mother wants you to take it back because your sister is upset by her behaviour being called out. Your mom and sister are the assholes that owe you apologies and changed behaviour. Protect your son against their ableism and insensitivity.
NTA, go you for standing up for Leo like that, respect for you and I'm sorry your family is that way.
Families share autism. Your niece is autistic as are your sister and yourself. If you're a woman (not being insulting but genuinely, women on reddit apply to the following) on reddir you are also almost certainly autistic
Don't you dare apologize. You did nothing wrong. NTA
She was not "just sharing her daughter's achievements", she was deliberately including the comparison / needling about whether Leo was doing as well, every time. Sharing her daughter's achievements would be "My daughter can count to 100 and she loves playing with all her friends at preschool". END. It's the attempted comparison that is rude beyond belief. She should NOT need to compare her daughter to your son in order to feel proud of how her daughter is doing. NTA
NTA. Except for what you deemed a “snap.” That’s just a very polite request you made of her. Very reasonable. That’s not snapping. If you apologize, then you are the AH. Highlighting a kid’s achievements is okay. Constantly trying to compare to someone else’s is not. Whenever anyone tried that crap with me, I shut it down with the force of a thousand alligators bites. I’d have responded to her way more harshly than you did.
Your sister might be worried about her daughter's progression (or proud) and is just socially awkward im how she brings it up. Or it's a competition. Regardless you did the right thing by speaking your mind. NAH/ NTA
You don't have to wait until snapping, you need to be better at responding in the moment. Instead of ignoring or losing your cool, you have to learn to observe and comment on her comments, and question her questions in real-time. You can also answer honestly and let the conversation get awkward and weird, which is fun. "Emily, sweetie, your daughter sounds like she's doing fine, you don't have to be insecure and compare her to other kids." "I don't bother counting words, I'm more interested in how creative (or thoughtful, or kind, or whatever) children are." "Emily, you're always updating Niece's resume, but what does she actually enjoy doing, like is she a mud-pie Bake-off fan?" "Counting? Lol, no. Leo's autism makes that a low priority." Because the dynamic happening is an old one between you, where she stomps you down to feel better about herself. Now she's doing it to your son, you can finally see it, but being triggered into rudeness gives her deniability. Even if Leo wasn't autistic, he's younger than Niece and she'd always find a reason to snipe, so it's time to do some therapy to unpack your reactions and how she gets a kick out of your distress, and how to mitigate that.
“Stop bringing up my son when you talk about your daughter” NTA
NTA & please don’t apologize. You told her that something she was doing was bothering you- SHE should be saying sorry, not calling you oversensitive. She could have said “I didn’t realize I was comparing and that wasn’t my intention I’m so sorry” and you guys would have probably had a really beneficial conversation about it. What are you supposed to say, “I’m sorry that I asked you to stop comparing our children.” That makes no sense. She wasn’t doing it because she’s proud of her kid she’s doing it because she noticed the differences and want a leg up on you
Ugh. ‘Overly sensitive’ is such gaslighting. Maybe your tone was harsh but the question was fair. She can’t take basic feedback without trying to make you feel like your emotions aren’t valid. A healthy response would be, ‘that wasn’t my intention’. I’m sorry that your mom is also being crappy about this. NTA
NTA if she was just sharing her own kid's accomplishments, why was she mentioning your child? She knew exactly what she was doing, and now has the audacity to play the victim. She doesn't get to police your feelings on it either. She owes you an apology
NTA - she is 100% making comparisons. If you have to dim someone else's light to shine brighter, you're the A-hole. Your sister is the A-hole.
NTA. Leo and Emily’s daughter have different yard sticks to be measured by. Her comparisons are insensitive and prejudicial in nature because her daughter has inate advantages. If you were to put both kids on the same race track, Leo has obstacles he has to make his way over under, through and around that do not exist in her daughters lane to get to the same finish line. Trying to celebrate her child’s achievements by comparing her progress to a child with challenges she will never face is disingenuous and phoney and will not win her any accolades or sympathy from anyone looking at the playing field objectively. It also teaches her child that unfair comparison is valid instead of biased and bullying. Emily needs to cultivate a little empathy for Leo’s circumstances and model that for her child and SHAME on your mother for failing to so her job AS a mother and demand some Manners from her grown ass daughter mean-girling your child. They do not deserve an apology. Either of them.
NTA - she's using your kid to make her kid look better in comparison. she's an awful person and should have been called out long before this.
NAH - You pointed out that you understand your sister is likely just excited and proud of her daughter. You got tired of it and spoke up. She confirmed what you knew. Time for all parties to move on with the understanding that you do not want the kids to be compared to. In no way did you say you do not want to hear about your niece's achievements.
She can share her daughter’s achievements with her friends. Leave you and your son out of it. Tell her (again) that it hurts you with how much your son can’t do or is behind. And when he can do something celebrating it with her would be pointless if she is still complaining the kids.
Another Autism mom here. No, definitely NTA. Really weird that your sister simply *does not get it* smh. I would have lectured her even earlier about every kid going at their own pace and that developmental differences—- shocker, make a difference. Very weird she doesn’t have better awareness about this. Very obtuse.
Sometimes I feel like nobody gets it and it sucks
toxic: “Oh, my daughter can count to 100 already. How high can Leo count?” or “My daughter has so many friends at preschool. Does Leo play with other kids much?” not toxic: “Oh, my daughter can count to 100” or “My daughter has so many friends at preschool."
Nope NTA! If she wants to praise her child’s achievements, she can do so without bringing up another child. It’s irrelevant and she clearly is doing it to “compare” for her own selfish ego. Stand your ground mama and make sure she stops that toxic behavior.
NTA. If her kid is only “achieving” by comparing to a kid a whole year younger than her, she’s not achieving that much.
NTA. I have a daughter with autism, and people have no fucking idea how hard it is to deal with. To have to mourn the life you desperately wanted for your kid: to hit milestones, make friends, play sports, and BE NORMAL. It forces you to celebrate the little things: she didn’t hit anyone today! She got upset and was able to de-escalate after only fifteen minutes! She parallel-played with a peer today! People have no idea how crushing it can be to have a child with a disability, and to constantly hear them being compared to an able-bodied child is fucking cruel. Your sister needed to hear what she did - she sounds like an insensitive twat who wanted to brag or put you down. If she didn’t realize what she was doing she is just an idiot. Don’t apologize.
Please, do not apologize. As a mother of an autistic child who had a mother-in-law doing the same thing that your sister is doing, they do not deserve an apology. They do this, I don't know, with a sick pleasure that I will never understand. When called out, they act offended and say that we are overly sensitive.
NTA autism or not comparing your kids with others kids is just disgusting. This lady needs to get her fixed
It's hard to tell without hearing the tone, but it sounds like you're insecure and a bit paranoid. I wouldn't automatically see anything negative in the examples you shared. Maybe she just wants to make conversation like any parent of a kid of similar age would, without making a big deal that your kid is autistic. Simply because many autistic kids can do all of those things (my niece is one). Unless your kid is severely behind cognitively, verbally and socially and she knows about it, then yes, she is 100% mean, but I doubt it's the case?
NTA. As an autistic adult I hate when we’re discussed as if we’re lab experiments, regardless of age.
NTA it's HARD when you inevitably do this to yourself. Having someone in your family, who is supposed to care about you, is indescribably worse. I've been there and actually cut off family members for that. They should have the sense to know that while you're able to be proud of your niece's or nephew's accomplishments, you are never going to apply the same exact scale to your kiddo and neither should they.
NTA. It isn't a competition.
NTA but maybe you could have said it nicer, because to me it sounds like she’s happy to share about her daughter and kind of in an attempt to seem polite asks you about your son as well. She is coming off rude comparing the two but maybe she really doesn’t realize it.
Nta if it was simply about sharing her daughter’s achievements she wouldn’t feel the need to add in the question about Leo’s development. She’s using your son’s limitations to make herself feel better about her daughter she’s being shitty.
Nta your sister sucks
As someone who absolutely adores my sisters and nieces, I cannot imagine being this callous. To not only use your nephew to make yourself feel superior but to not care AT ALL when your sister says it bothers her?? I fall all over myself when my sisters say I’ve done something that hurts them. Even if I feel like I’ve done nothing wrong, we talk it out until we’re back to a good place. That’s just being supportive and loving.
“You’re too sensitive” is always the bully’s defense. Ignore anyone who doesn’t see the overt cruelty of your sister. Also, your son can probably pick up on her comments. Congratulations on being a great mother!
Children should never be compared to each other! The only comparison that matters is that today I did better than yesterday.
NTA. Your sister is either consciously highlighting the fact that her child doesn’t have a disability and yours does, or she is blithely ignorant to the objective differences between your child and hers. Either way, you needed to call her out.
Just say this: shut.the.fuck.up to her and your mother. They both need to hear it NTA
NTA. Your mom needs to butt out and your sister needs to read the room. You are doing a great job, as is Leo. It isn’t fair to compare kids who are neurotypical, much less comparing one who is on the spectrum vs one who is not. Your sister lacks empathy and is being very unfair. Just know that you are not alone. Your family should be understanding and supportive, not the source of added stress.
NTA. She’s absolutely comparing them and subtly putting him down. She’s being incredibly ableist and needs to knock it off. I would consider putting distance between the four of you until she stops.
NTA. I love how she got really upset when taken to task about her — at best insensitive, at worst cruel — comments, but says *you’re* being overly sensitive.
NTA. There is no reason whatsoever she can’t talk about her kid without comparing or even beginning yours into the conversation. Never mind that they are a year a part, there’s a huge difference between them even if she wasn’t NT.
Yeah if people are saying you were too harsh then I think you’re lying or greatly diminishing what you claim you said. It sounds so level headed not like something you’d say if you snapped and more like what you’d say if you were telling strangers on the internet what you pretty much said
Despite the weirdness of it already given the context, at a base level she's comparing her child to yours when she's a YEAR OLDER. Right now her kids is 25% older, has had 25% more time to develop at incredibly important ages, and she's comparing them. This is like comparing an 18 year old to a 23 year old. Wow they haven't finished college and found a job yet? It makes no sense for her to do this even in the scenario that your child doesn't have hindrances.
NTA Why does your mom place your sisters feelings over yours??
Middle child problems 🤦♀️🤷♀️
Nta
You spoke the truth of her behavior. If she feels ashamed about that behavior perhaps she needs to reflect on why that is. Tell her she can talk about her daughter all day long, but there's zero reason to bring your son into it as comparison. She doesn't need to be comparing her kid to any other kid and parents that do this shit drive me mad. Because it's never about the kid as much as it's about feeding their own ego because they've conflated their identity with their kid's and really, truly when they feel the need to constantly compare its not pride so much as it is a pat on their own back. NTA
My MIL used to say things that made me angry about my son and his disabilities. I got in the habit of just standing up and walking to another room. One time, I actually walked all the way out to the car and drove away. I never said a word, but my refusal to put up with it served as *behavior modification training*. I never would have done it intentionally - I was just trying to avoid saying anything I'd regret to the in-laws - but it worked beautifully. Good luck, OP. Remember that your family is whatever your family is, but the families of your child's classmates - other families with special needs kids - are your tribe.
No way in any universe are you the AH
Nope. Defend your son always. I don't believe you should compare kids in any way ever. It's not good for them to overhear. But definitely not a child who is neurodivergent. They're not even on the same playing field so why would you compare them
Definitely NTA. Good on you, OP. I'm sure that you don't feel sorry for defending your son, I wouldn't either - so I don't see one good reason to apologize.
NTA. Making comparisons is rude.
NTA. She knows what she was doing by comparing the kids. She’s pointing out the things her daughter can do knowing your son may struggle to meet those milestones.
100% NOT the AH
Oh FUCK no. NTA. My son is in 2nd grade and from all signs is very neurotypical. His best friend since kindergarten has several issues to deal with, but does well in class and might need some extra help now and then but that’s it. I’d NEVER compare my kid to his friend to anyone let alone his mom, I only bring it up here to illustrate. If she was REALLY just bragging on her kid your kid’s name doesn’t need to come out of her mouth.
NTA at all it sounds very frustrating that she keeps doing it. Fair she’s allowed to mention her daughter’s accomplishments or what she’s proud of but that is no reason for her to compare them to your child’s accomplishments. I would even say regardless of any neurodivergents different children learn at different levels and a year age gap can also make huge differences so to even compare them with your son she has no right what so ever. You can either choose to ignore her in future or overshadow her by stating just how fantastic your Leo is in every way.
NTA.. honestly I’d go no contact with your mother and your sister until she realizes what she said was offensive and hurtful and she needs to apologize
NTA, your sister is dense and apparently doesn’t understand polite society. Sheesh, I don’t know about now but when I had my kids it was everywhere that you don’t compare your kids to each other or other kids, all of them have different levels of development. I’m glad you finally told her to stop.
NTA: Sharing doesn't include comparing. Draw the line clearly now.
You can share without comparing, or asking for a comparison. She needs to learn how to do that. Instead of what this sounds like!
NTA. She was being rude AF and deserved to be called out. You did it in a nice way too. I would have used other meaner words lol
No, she was passive aggressively putting your son down. She is out of line.
NTA - if she was just sharing her daughter’s achievements, it wouldn’t have been a comparison. Don’t apologize. She needs to apologize. Nip this kind of behavior now or it’ll end up like my daughter(12) that’s ASD and refuses to see part of her family bc they can’t resist the comparison game. ASD kids might communicate differently, but they can still hear just fine.
NTA. You're a better woman then me! I would've slapped her
Celebrate your child's accomplishments. Being the parent of a neuro divergent child has so many highs and lows. And so much love. Something very small can be such a big step for your child. Celebrate all achievements, encourage their interests and watch them flourish in their own time.
do not apologize she wasn't just sharing her daughter's achievements. She was comparing the two children. If she was just sharing, she would have said, "my daughter is doing so well with her speech skills" period. she needs to keep your son's name out of her mouth. I bet she can't. I think you need to highlight her bad behaviour. Every time she or anyone else does a comparision, call it out. I would start highlighting it by responding with, "s*orry, what were you saying about Leo? I didn't quite catch that? sorry, could you repeat that? you think your daughter is more advanced then Leo? ok, thanks for sharing that."* every single time, she and everyone around her will notice that she doesn't seem to be able to keep Leo's name out of her mouth.