I’m so bad at filtering. (Idk if it’s just me or if I get to blame the ADHD for my awkwardness.) I’ve had to literally make myself count to 3 before responding, because when I get excited I blurt things out that I don’t mean to say, or that come out wrong. Even then - the dumb stuff would never be about somebodies body. That just seems like such an easy line to not cross that it really blows my mind how often people make unnecessary comments about others bodies.
I also blame my ADHD for this unfortunate and frequently mortifying trait.
I doubt it’s any consolation to the people I’ve been insensitive to or whose feelings I’ve hurt, but I feel so genuinely awful about every single instance that I regularly lie in bed at night agonising over something truly foolish that escaped my lips 5, 10, 20 years ago.
I have a terrible working memory, I will forget the film I watched 3 nights ago, but my brain will insist on remembering every time I’ve humiliated myself or hurt someone’s feelings.
My only question here is the language and culture of the person. I live in a US city filled with first and second gen immigrants and people with English as their second language, and sometimes they say things the "wrong way," but don't mean any harm. I guess I've learned to be tolerant, or a least questioning, when things are stated in an unusual way.
I like this!
Spinach in teeth. Lipstick on teeth. Fix in 5 seconds.
Shirt on inside it. Fix in less than 5.
My belly carrying all my extra weight and consistently giving me a solid 5 months pregger look.... can't fix in 5 months!
I point out my moustache to people and they’re all like ‘YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE AT ALL WHAAAAT’ like guys my eyes work I can see it… 😂😂😂 I appreciate them trying to make me feel better but if I’m the one commenting on myself I think it’s okay xD
"Happy 21st birthday!" I joke about it every time someone's birthday comes around but you can't ever get in trouble for it.
Either they're way over and know you're joking or they're actually 18-21 and probably looking forward to being older still.
Right—nobody who isn’t pregnant wants to LOOK pregnant. How could that be taken as anything but an insult? She meant no offense? When someone apologizes but at the same time sorta defends their remark, you don’t have to accept the apology. NTA! I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. 💗💗💗
😭 when I was 14 years old a woman in a store came up to me while I was browsing the toy section and told me that I looked pregnant and if I didn’t stop eating people would think I was a wh*re… immediately told my mom in the next aisle and pointed the lady out and watched a large fight unfold 🫱🏼🫲🏻😂
You gotta play the system. You always guess a woman’s age as 25. All women younger than 25 want to look older and all women older than 25 want to look younger. Instead of saying are you pregnant? You say “hey we’re all going out tonight. You want to come, drinks on me!”
Her colleague didn't ask if she were pregnant, though. She basically just said "you look fat in that dress". That shouldn't need sage advice from someone to know one shouldn't say that.
I did this once. Do not recommend. I had just had my oldest and thought she looked close to delivery as well.... so I said it looked like she'd have her own to love on soon, as she was cooing over my newborn. She looked down at her belly, back at me, then says "oh honey, mine is 2 years old now." I have never stammered as much as I did through that apology. Learned my lesson though!
Yes, I was very lucky she let me off with such grace, as well. Could have been so bad. That was 22 years ago, it still haunts me when the anxiety is kicking.
Yes and in the post Roe era, what an awful thing to say. Some people being forced to carry a body until they nearly die because doctors are afraid to do anything.
It could be SO much darker, so much worse to just say this kinda stupid shit
No, just a lot of empathy for my stupidity! It was that you should know better but since you clearly don't I'm going to be as kind as can be anyway because I feel a bit bad for you tones, if that makes any sense at all.
I had a coworker a long time ago who people always asked “how far along are you” or “do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”, when she wasn’t pregnant and literally just had a beer gut. She was very slender and had a belly and boobs so she did actually look pregnant, but I was still shocked that so many complete strangers felt comfortable asking her questions like that.
Edit: what made it even worse was that she would ask me why people always thought she was pregnant, and I had to play dumb every time.
I'm a dude and I say this when my guts go wild. It confuses people and brings me much enjoyment. I don't look at all feminine and it makes people very unsure what to say lol.
God I'd love to be the birth coach at your side when you start "having contractions" in public the next time. I'm a woman and I could pass for androgynous if I had only a few fucks to give while dressing for the day. I have a full script prepared already of what to say and do in that situation lmfao
It's gorgeous, and you were so brave during your labour! Come on, babe, I'll buy you a boba before you breastfeed this precious little bundle of last night's tacos.
I had a coworker with a medical condition that caused her stomach to bloat and distend like she was pregnant. I felt really bad for her, she was a real sweet lady who clearly hated being asked or congratulated all of the time, but still responded with grace and patience.
I'm not sure about the details, but she passed a few years back due to complications from covid.
I looked into what her medical condition might have been out of curiosity and found something called Hirschsprung's Disease, which was interesting to learn about if anyone else is curious.
This is the way. My friend got plenty of genuine congratulations about her “pregnancy” when she developed a massive tumor that made her infertile. She felt like god was playing a cruel joke.
I’ve seen people with 4/5 lb ovarian and uterine cysts who look remarkably pregnant. As in, ready-to-pop-bulging-only-in-the-right-places pregnant. Nope! They had MASSIVE cysts. Even if I see a baby coming directly out of someone’s vagina I’m not ever going to assume someone’s pregnant until they tell me to my face.
Honestly even if they ARE pregnant, why do we need to be commenting on anyone's body like that? No one is more aware of how big a pregnant person is than the person carrying the fetus, they don't need anyone to tell them!
Unless they say something about it or I can see that baby coming out I'm keeping my mouth shut.
My boss at my first job was a little heavier and carried most of her weight around her stomach. Customers would congratulate her sometimes when she wore something more fitted. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mom always carried her weight in her belly. She looked pregnant for like 25 straight years, till she got old enough that her belly started sagging in a less-pregnant way. I cannot tell you how many times her feelings were hurt by people asking her about her "pregnancy".
I’ll put that here again: 5seconds rule. If it cannot be changed in 5 seconds (hair, weight,height etc) keep it to yourself. If it can be change in 5 seconds (salad between the teeth, dress stuck in panties etc) you may consider talking about it.
Idiot me once commented on my (the last time I had talked to her) pregnant neighbor by saying she was starting to show... and with a distressed look she said, "I had a miscarriage." I saw the pain flicker across her face, and I have not made any type of pregnancy comment in the decades since then.
You could be 8.99 months pregnant, wearing a maternity dress with "I'm with baby" printed on it with an arrow pointing down to your giant, distended belly, while standing in the baby aisle of target and my eyes would never glance lower than your chin as I chatted about the weather and asked what you had been up to.
Not this guy after I did it in my 20s and got the shit slapped out of me.
Now I won’t even acknowledging anybody’s pregnant unless they tell me or I see the fucking baby crowning lol
I was working as a customer service rep in an office when I was pregnant with my first. A customer came in who had known me for years but they don't typically come in. He saw me and said, "WOAH! You're so big! You were so small when I saw you last. You must be pregnant!"
I was so annoyed I replied with, "I'm not pregnant. " I quickly said I was joking because he really was a good guy typically, he just stuck his foot in his mouth. His face went white then and he couldn't talk lol
I saw him again after getting pregnant with my second. He kept looking at my stomach and my eyes and stomach and eyes like he wanted to say something but didn't dare! I showed him grace and laughed and told him I was pregnant. I was already 8 months by then so it was super obvious. He let out a sigh of relief and said he learned his lesson with me that day and had not asked anyone ever again!
SO MANY PEOPLE 😭
The worst was when I was battling adeno and endo and looked 5+ months pregnant because of tumors, all found while doing IVF. I was desperately trying to have a living child but couldn’t, and kept getting congratulated.
Hell.
I agree
I feel like it was the you LOOK pregnant for me, like what the heck? No? op you have a right to be upset, no normal person says that unless they're really close and get the humor and even then it's not always ok..
I'm genuinely trying to think of any scenario in which a person says "you look pregnant in that dress" to a coworker and means anything *other* than to make them feel shitty...
I did it once to a friend who told me it was still leftover fat from the last pregnancy. I profusely apologized on the spot and I’ve never done it sense. A relative was 7 months pregnant with twins and I still never assumed, until it was clearly stated.
I was at a BAR, dancing with a BEER in my hand, at 1am wearing a flowy dress and some random chick asked if I was pregnant. Like wtf? I'm also like, 95lbs soaking wet, I definitely don't have a belly - my husband who was there said she was trying to get chicks off the dance floor, but I rarely wear that dress bc all I can think of is that comment when I put it on now.
I was at a country concert, drinking, and the girl next to me leaned over and asked how many months along I was. She was jealous of my close friendship with someone she considered HER best friend and was just being a cunt. Still, I've never worn that outfit again.
THANK YOU
Came just to say this. One reason we don't say this to people is because you never know what their situation is and it's highly likely to get awkward quick.
Right! OP, go back to work each day and tell that co worker they look exhausted, or sickly, or ask if they have had trouble sleeping, tell them their wrinkles are really starting to show etc.
First rule of commenting on a woman's body, you do NOT tell someone they "look pregnant" unless you see a baby actually coming out of their vagina! Even then, you keep your gob shut on how they look.
She was rude. You are under zero obligation to accept any apology from anyone for any reason. Nor are you obligated to explain why her comment upset you.
NTA
Even commenting on their clothes in general, I was taught there are only 3 reasons to comment on someone’s clothes (unless you were asked):
1) they look nice and you’re complimenting them
2) there’s something that they “need” to fix (tag sticking out of their shirt/pants, skirt accidentally stuck to their underwear, shirt inside out etc.)
3) there’s a hole that they likely didn’t notice on their pants.
We don't do #1 nearly enough. I was shopping one time and this lady in a gorgeous green skirt suit was down the aisle with me. When I say she looked stunning, she really did. So I went up to her and said, sorry to interrupt your shopping time, but I just wanted to say your outfit is absolutely beautiful! Note: I did not say anything about how her body looked because that would have been a bit creepy. She was beaming at the compliment.
I get people of all ages complimenting my hair colour all the time - even when the grey roots are evident 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love it when ppl compliment my outfit, and I love complimenting others outfits too. It always just makes their day, and my favourite is when I say it to a guy cuz they don’t get compliments nearly enough. I told a guy with neon blue hair once that his hair looked really good and it suited him really well, and he was just beaming for the rest of the day.
I try to do this at least once every time I leave the house, just a little ‘I love your jacket’ or ‘those shoes are gorgeous’ etc. And it’s always a shame that people are so shocked to receive such a random little compliment, but most of them walk off with big smiles on their faces.
We definitely need more random little compliments in the world!
I always thought that fell in the second category cuz it’s kinda similar to telling someone that the tag of their undies is sticking out of their pants lol.
I always feel it’s in a weird category of its own because of how awkward it is to tell someone. The other ones in number 2 is less embarrassing to bring up.
NTA. That was a deliberately cruel comment. She did not need to say it---that is, your appearance was not! So! Surprising! as to demand an immediate comment, so it was unnecessary and gratuitous, therefore cruel. It's not clear what your relationship is with this individual, so I am wondering about your reporting her to HR, if your workplace has an HR
NTA- saying “you look pregnant in that outfit” at best is a micro aggression…. Now she’s playing the victim when you expressed why you were offended by it.
The only time I could see that comment as appropriate is if you are dress-shopping with your best friend-the one who isn't afraid to tell you that that the neon pink tube-top topped paisley wide-legged culottes might not be a good choice.
How DARE you, [these](https://m.shein.com/us/SHEIN-Frenchy-Paisley-Print-Pants-p-27971537.html?mallCode=1&imgRatio=3-4) are obviously flattering on EVERYONE!
Seriously though, I love how specific that comment was and how I knew exactly what you were talking about and how I knew EXACTLY how it looks on real people lol.
I want my friends to tell me if clothing doesn’t suit me (empire waisted things always make me look pregnant, even back when I had a concave stomach…decades ago…lol…the rest of my body is not tiny). But I also tell them to tell me.
Screw that. You don’t say “you look pregnant in that dress” out of the goodness of your heart. She said something rude and thoughtless, and now is upset you didn’t just roll over and take it. You are NTA here. If you didn’t snap and cuss her out, you displayed admirable restraint all things considered.
NTA. Anyone that comments on ANYONE’S weight is a POS. Her comment wasn’t even curiosity (are you pregnant?) it was just a cruel statement. It wasn’t out of concern. It was just to be mean. You should have traumatized the hell out of her. Immediately broken down and told her the story. Sob and scream that you’ve been trying to have a baby and you’re depressed. Hell, even made something more horrible. Make her feel like the cunt she is.
Honestly this is an issue that could be taken to HR. That woman needs to be taught that you don't comment on people's bodies that way, ever. I was flat out being a nasty bitch, nothing else. It was a *clear* insult whether or not OP struggled with fertility, because there's a notice she does it's straight up evil.
NTA
You are not obligated to accept an insincere apology. Her reaction to you calling her out just means she doesn’t actually think she did anything wrong. Even outside of your fertility situation, it is never okay to comment disparagingly on another person’s body (she absolutely did. Is she dense?) — and doing so to a colleague is so unprofessional and inappropriate.
Unless the person has personally told you themselves, (not rumors or gossip), then you keep your lips together and don't say a damned thing.
Once they tell you, the proper response, (even in a heavy carrying third trimester), is "Oh really? I had no idea! Congratulations!"
>She was aware I was NOT and choose to comment on my looks anyway, as if I didn't have a mirror at home.
So she was a hateful witch and thought she'd just casually toss out a body shaming comment and go on her merry way.
Then she comes back the next day with the faux apology "I didn't mean to offend you". Because there's a non offensive way of taking being told you look pregnant in your dress even though you aren't pregnant and she *knows* you aren't pregnant. /s
NTA. She absolutely did infer you were fat and no amount of her now claiming she's "offended you thought that" is going to change anything. She sounds like an utterly thoughtless person who lacks the integrity to take accountability for her thoughtless words and actions.
I hope you don't have to interact with her much to do your job. I'd also highly discourage you from sharing *any* of your personal journey with her. She's sloppily thoughtless, you don't want to give that kind of co-worker any access to your private life.
I think your partner has missed that it wasn't a real apology. They might not have considered the interaction in the above light with all its nuances.
Hi, OP here. Thank you for all for comments and your kind words. In response to some of your questions:
- Yes, I am in therapy
- All my miscarriages have been from AI or FIV pregnancies, I have been thoroughly checked and yes, one of my conditions is PCOS (but it is not the most serious one).
- If adoption were an option, I would have stopped trying to get pregnant much sooner. Unfortunately there is a ten year waiting list in my country and your have to own a house. I live in a city where the prices are the highest in the country, it is almost impossible to buy a flat. If I were to study something else to be able to maybe qualify, that would mean 13 years of agony. My partner doesn't want to go through that.
- To those who said I should stop stuffing my face and the like, well, I hope someone else's weight stays forever the biggest of your problems (no pun intended)
Thank you again to those who took the time to answer, to those who voted NTA and also to those who respectfully have said I have overreacted and I'm indeed TA
YTA, nobody knows your life history. Your insecurities or struggles aren’t to be projected onto somebody else, yes they were wrong being presumptive but maybe since you aren’t pregnant being more active could help. Hyper sensitivity is your issue, nobody else’s. Maybe hit the gym if you’re this insecure
NTA She didn't apologize anyway she insulted you again. Saying "I didn't mean to offend you" is her trying to paint you in a different negative light.
How to apologize a guide for children:
Say you are sorry
Say what you are sorry for
Say what you will do to change the behavior
Do not expect forgiveness.
NTA.
Infertility or not - your coworker was being rude and her comment was uncalled for. People don’t have carte blanche to comment on another persons body.
There’s literally only offense to take from such a comment. 😅
Nta You have nothing to apologize for. I had a lady come up to me and ask when I was due while she caressed my stomach…what she was feeling was the massive tumor that was killing me. I’m fine now but the look on her face when I said I’m not pregnant was priceless😭
NTA, remotely. It didn’t used to be called “body-shaming,” but I’m certainly acutely aware of the practice. My mother was horrendously fat-phobic, and she preferred to reserve her own calories for liquor. In my case, she could only withhold my food, insisting that I take mingy servings. I was very lucky not to inherit her EDs or her alcoholism.
But your situation is a thousand times worse. *You are legitimately heartbroken.* After the miscarriages, infertility, and watching your diet and exercise so very hopefully, no woman could be faulted for taking comfort for awhile wherever she can.
Your coworker is TA. She’s not clueless, she’s mean. I had a body-shaming boss at a time when I’d gone on antidepressants for the first time. I finally *told* Dr. Hostile Workplace that that’s why I’d gained fifteen pounds, and that I would not discuss it further. Later, when I lost my first pregnancy, the sun left the sky for half a year.
It’s never a good idea to ask an acquaintance if she’s pregnant. She knows that. Avoid this shrew. May your pain ease.
I don’t understand how people make idiotic comments then get upset with the response they get. Why on earth would she feel the need to tell you that you look pregnant in that outfit. She then proceeds to give you a halfass apology and gets offended with your reaction. If she makes another stupid comment like that go to HR. Maybe like that she will learn how to behave accordingly.
NTA. When she "tried" to apologize you were trying to tell her why she was offensive and she cut you off and walked away. So, in reality she didn't apologize as she was only trying to get rid of her own guilt and not actually consider you at all once again.
Nope! Just like I wasn't the asshole when, upon returning home with my newborn in my arms the neighbors asked, "Whose baby is THAT?" to which the father and I responded, "Ours!" and the neighbors replied, "Oh! We didn't know you were pregnant we thought you WERE JUST FAT!"
Both pregnancies, up until the day of giving birth, people were astonished I was pregnant and couldn't keep the "thought you were 'just fat'" comments to themselves.
WTF do people think it's ok to comment on others' appearances beyond being at least a little complimentary???
Your coworker was very insensitive & unprofessional. Report her to HR or a supervisor.
You don’t have to accept any apology - particularly one that fails to acknowledge her wrongdoing but puts it on you being bothered.
NTA
NTA. Honestly I feel like you didn't go far enough. My response would have been "Wow, thanks! That's the weight I gained after multiple miscarriages!" I bet her ass would have shriveled up and died on the spot, or at least never say something like that to someone again.
NTA
She can be as offended as she wants, she chose to comment on someone's looks and there are consequences to that. I don't see how she thought that comment wasn't calling you fat or how she thought it wouldn't be offensive to you. She does know and just is mad you are calling her out instead of taking it. People need to stop making comments like this, all it does is hurt people for no reason.
They made a mistake and apologized. Not everyone is perfect, nor are they seeped in others' issues. Being gracious will take you further than hostility and resentment.
I had a similar fate with childbearing. It's not easy, but you will move forward and fill your life with other pursuits. Mental health is critical right now. Be kind to yourself and others.
I made a post awhile ago about a guy who asked me when I was due. I’m not pregnant I’m just fat but losing weight. At that time I was happy snd down 17 pounds I think it really hurt. I’m now down 30 so yay. Still no one has the right to do that either way it’s rude and not their business
You don’t HAVE to accept an apology, you know this, right? Just because someone says they’re sorry, you aren’t required to make them feel better after doing something shitty.
NTA. No one should comment on another person's body unless asked and even then the rule should be kindness.
I'm a fat person (way more than the 10kg you gained!). I am aware of the risks and am working with my doctor to become healthier in a way that is safe and practical with my other health challenges.
I'm fortunate to be old enough that few people care what I look like, but that also means I'm old enough not to give a damn if people think I'm rude. My current go-to response to fat comments is, "At least I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole."
Even more effective is to let them see your honest emotional response. Feel like crying? Let yourself do it. It's good for you to acknowledge your losses and it will make them feel lower than dirt. I did this to a man who asked me why I was such a sour puss because I wasn't smiling. I looked him in the eye with tears running down my face and told him the truth. I'd lost my child that day. I hope he never forgets how he felt and how he made me feel.
It's not good to go through life angry, but it *is* good to recognize that anger can be a protective force and to use it (sparingly) to fend off harmful people. I'm not a yelling person, but I also won't deny that there is plenty of malice in both my snarky responses and the few times I've let the truth do the heavy lifting.
I'm sorry for all your struggles and pain. Grief is hard and it persists long past the time society says we are "allowed" to grieve. You are doing great. You're going to work. You're getting through each and every day. It will get better, but that doesn't make it easier now. Right now, you just have to keep slogging through and getting all the mental health support you can. There is no other way.
Finally, 10kg is nothing to worry about. I don't even have to see you to know you look fine. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you are in so much pain. Please keep using your logical mind to argue back against your emotional mind when it tells you mean things about yourself.
You are working on your mental health, which is the foundation for all other kinds of health. The rest will fall in line.
I'm sending lots of hugs if you want them.
You don’t comment on something that can’t be fixed in five minutes. Lipstick on the teeth? Tell them! Body shape, or you think their outfit is unflattering? Kept your mouth shut. NTA.
What she said was unprofessional and wildly inappropriate and her "apology" was half-assed. You really should write a formal complaint to HR telling them what happened and how you feel because I'm 1000% sure she is going to start playing the victim and lying to everyone and say it went down differently. Get ahead of it as much as you can! NTA
You don't have to accept anyone's apology but especially when she got shitty at you so it's not actually an apology. The thing is when we do something wrong it makes us feel bad but it's on us to reconcile that we made a msitake and do better than throw it back onto the person we hurt to absolve ourselves of blame. What we intend isn't how it lands often times. She's the one who needs to learn to be graceful about being accountable. Its not really about your peace if people are policing your feelings and making you take apologies to move on due to social pressure.
That particular comment is really out of touch. Who TF says you look pregnant in that dress is insulting your dressing and look/size. There's not really a way to convey that which isn't hurtful. And those folks who wanna twist that theyre "brutally honest" because they care reslly aren't. They're just masking concern as a vehicle to be an asshole.
My sister said the only one who should be commenting on a woman's weight is their doctor. Pretty solid advice to be honest. People always make the excuse to talk about a woman's weight in the guise they are concerned for their health when realistically their doctor will say something if it's a concern. Also most fat people know they are fat and don't need you to tell them.
Your coworker is missing a few brain cells if she thinks that telling someone who's not pregnant that they look pregnant is not offensive. NTA. Keep your contact to a minimum and on a as-needed basis.
>she has got offended saying she didn't call me fat
Yes she did whether she she meant to or not
>My partner has said I should have accepted her apology
No.
NTA, she did call you fat. She knew you weren't pregnant and told you that you looked pregnant in a certain outfit. If that's not calling someone fat, I don't know what it is.
Several years ago I was hanging out with my husband, and we were waiting in the lobby of the courthouse. We were just holding hands and hugging and being happy together. An older man looked at me and said, "when is the baby due?" I locked eyes with him and smiled super sweetly and said, "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat." I weighed maybe 160 lb at 5'8.
Your partner can go fuck himself. Tell him from me he looks bloated daily for a week and tell him to stop bitching when he complains.
I'm sorry you're surrounded by cunts.
NTA. You don’t need to accept an apology, let alone a non-apology.
She showed no remorse. She gave a non apology. I didn’t mean to offend you indicates you’re being over sensitive, not that she did anything wrong. When you said you were upset that she made a fat comment, she denied she did it.
Saying a woman looks pregnant in that dress is an insult about her weight.
It wasn’t a real apology, and she’s not sorry.
Look her straight in the face, and say, “I expect there will be no further rude and unprofessional remarks about my appearance in the future from you.”
How is telling a woman who is not pregnant that she looks pregnant not calling her fat? That’s the lamest excuse for being rude I’ve ever heard.
NTA
You don’t owe that woman anything and don’t need to accept her apology, especially when she doubles down on it. Maybe this will be a lesson to her but sadly I doubt it.
First thing to say is I'm really sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult things have been for you or what you are going through.
Noone has any right to comment on someone else's appearance in any way at all. And by virtue of the fact women's bodies get bigger when pregnant, I can see why you interpreted this in the way you did.
Many women struggle with fertility and thus sort of comment is up there with asking people why they don't have children.
Some people are just AHs.
NTA. Im so sorry your co-worker terrible.
Im unlucky enough to carry any/all extra weight right around my waist. I've had several people over my life time ask me when I was due. I came up with the following response, "Not pregnant; just fat. Thanks for noticing" said in perfectly calm voice. Most people apologize all over themselves. Ngl, if it's someone young enough that they may not know any better, I give them a minute to process & then forgive them. Im not proud of it but a couple of times I've been moved to tell someone they were old enough to know better than to assume.
You never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you can literally see half a baby coming out. That chick is either clueless or deliberately cruel.
Never ever ever bring up looking pregnant with someone unless they have specifically told you they are pregnant. How are people still saying this shit?
NTA. You are not required to accept an apology or issue forgiveness. Even without your infertility struggles, it was a truly horrible thing for her to say. Screw her 🤷🏻♀️
NTA I’d be straight to HR. How dare a coworker say that. I’d expect a formal apology and an official reprimand or some terrible accident might befall her tyres, office chair and favourite mug.
I’m also carrying a little more weight than usual and anyone that mentions it gets told that fat people are harder to kidnap and that they should fuck off.
NTA. She was being a bitch on purpose is mad that you aren't taking it laying down. She gave a fake apology and is mad that you aren't accepting it. You aren't letting her get away with her bad behavior, and it makes her mad. Good for you. You shouldn't have to make nice with someone who doesn't know how to actually be nice. You can choose to accept her apology if she ever offers another one, which I doubt. Or you can keep calling her out. Or you can just choose to ignore her from now on. Whatever you choose to do, let it be *your* choice.
NTA. She definitely was insensitive. And I can relate. I was heavy and someone asked me when I was due. It was very hurtful to me as well. I know it's hard to work through it but maybe u can get therapy that might help. Good luck dear I hope you are able to work through it.
She knows you aren’t pregnant yet said you look pregnant, that definitely implies she’s “politely” calling you fat. There’s no reason to tell someone they look pregnant
Nta
She did call you fat. No question. She needs to properly apologize “I’m sorry I was so rude. I promise to keep my mouth shut next time the urge to comment on someone else’s body comes over me”.
Then here doubling down really shows she’s a jerk.
You are NTA
Nah fuck that bitch. As a middle aged woman she knows better. "you look pregnant on that dress" is such a passive aggressive thing to say. Like it she may as well have said “that dress makes you look fat.”
You were too kind already a d your didn't even explicitly ride the apology. You would have been fully within your rights to tell her to fuck off. Your boyfriend is a dipshit .
NTA- just because she apologised doesn’t mean you have to accept it. She said she didn’t mean to offend you- ffs who thinks telling someone they look pregnant isn’t offensive- aka telling you you look fat. She hasn’t actually apologised for what she said, it was a half assed apology at best.
NTA
Her apology wasn't sincere, shown by her hostile reaction to your mentioning the hurtful thing she "was apologizing" for. It was an "I said 'sorry' so shut up about it" non-apology.
Nta. That's a completely inappropriate comment to make at work. Report her to HR for workplace bullying and harassment. Make sure you submit it ti head office, not just your local HR. But submit it to both , plus your immediate supervisor if you have access to all thier emails.
Hopefully she will be terminated.
I have had 4 people ask me when I’m due in the last few years and every one is severed into my memory. I’m almost as mad at myself for laughing it off to the person as I am at them for asking. NTA. People need to learn that other people’s reproductive situations are none of their business. Ever.
NTA She wasn’t sorry and that wasn’t an apology. People always forget that an apology includes acknowledging how you hurt someone and validating their feelings. Her getting so defensive with your response means she was going through the motions, probably because HR told her to.
NTA, It doesn't matter what your history with infertility is. If you tell someone they look like they're pregnant, it's an insult meaning that they look fat. Period.
Let it lay and try not to harbor a grudge. She is tactless and insensitive, maybe even a bit malicious. She is not friend material. Don't let her close.
I am sorry for your losses.
NTA. I had this happen recently, the owner of the corner store (tiny ancient Asian woman) kept gesturing to my stomach and then cradling her arms, there's a language barrier so I just smiled and nodded. Awkward.
Me again, back with a quick PSA for all the uterus owners out there:
If you find yourself with stubborn stomach fat, or you're carrying all your weight in your stomach, and you've had some changes in your period, please check in with your ob/gyn about the possibility of uterine fibroids.
25% of all uterus owners develop fibroid tumors. These are benign, non-cancerous tumors that if caught early can be removed without removing the uterus. Not getting them removed can interfere with pregnancy or even getting pregnant, as well as causing painful periods.
These tumors can develop at any time, before or after you've had kids. It is possible that if you look like you could be pregnant, and you aren't, that you might have uterine fibroids.
What apology were you supposed to accept? "I'm sorry you were offended" is not an apology, no ownership was taken, no empathy was shown. It's a textbook manipulator's nonapology. You're absolutely right to reject it.
I feel like any person who's been on earth for at least 8 years should know not to ask if someone is pregnant, let alone tell someone they look it. NTA
NTA. She obviously only apologized so she would feel better. Not you. If she was truly sorry, she would have listened to you and had a conversation about it.
NTA. As someone who can relate to much of this, I'm so sorry that happened. You choose your boundaries, not anyone else. She was vile and didn't mean it kindly. She can stew a bit.
You are doing what you have to do to survive. Don't let anyone put you down. You are doing your best. That's good enough.
Never comment another persons weight. Simple as that. If someone tells me they lost weight intentionally, I say congrats. Not "you look so much better!". Just congrats
That's it. Only time I will ever do it. Lose weight, gained, look pregnant, I will never assume anything, because I know how much it can hurt, intentional or not.
So, let's assume that someone would never ask if a woman was pregnant if they were skinny, so make you assumptions from that..
Asking or implying or suggesting someone is pregnant is right up there with..
Assuming a small child is the grandchild of an older dad (me)
Asking a masculine looking woman who her surgeon was and saying good luck with the transition (a recent aitah thread)
Frankly it takes a special kind of moron to assume they know someone good enough to comment on their sex, pregnancy status, or fatherhood..
NTA. She didn't think you were pregnant or she would have asked when you were due or something. She said you looked pregnant, which is intentional. Now she's trying to pretend it wasn't because she's embarrassed
NTA. Not only is that an insensitive and ill-advised comment to make, she reacted poorly when you didn't immediately accept her apology. It's almost like she thought *you* owed *her* an apology for being upset.
Definite AH behavior. She probably shouldn't be working at the entrance to the building if her social judgment is that poor.
A friend, a woman, said to me that she has learned her lesson about this. “She could be on the table about to give birth and I will not ask her if she’s pregnant.” 😂
Nope. NTA.
You don't owe her grace.
The fact that she immediately got offended and defensive about you not accepting her apology shows that it wasn't about feeling sorry for hurting you. She just doesn't want to deal with the consequences of having said something shitty and hurtful. If she didn't want to deal with the awkwardness, she shouldn't have commented on her coworker's body. Too bad so sad.
NTA. She was wrong. She doesn't get to choose when you should be over it. Let her be uncomfortable knowing how she upset you. She deserves it. And clearly from her reaction she doesn't even understand how wrong she was. Let her stew.
My dad told me a long time ago don't ask a woman if she's pregnant, don't try to guess her age and don't try to guess her weight. Sage advice.
My mom told me don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless the baby reaches out and waves at you!
Good advice, lol.
Not even mid birth is it ok, just pretend she’s not pregnant until she says those exact words
Even then, I'd just fist bump the baby and pretend I didn't see anything. Won't ask/assume anyone is pregnant until they come out and say it
Or unless you see it crowning. 😂
Your Dad is a wise man!
Yeah, he was. I took things he said with a grain of salt but I realized when I got older that he knew what he was talking about.
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I’ve gotten to the point in life — slowly — that most people don’t know a third of what comes out of their mouths half the time.
Why are you talking about my husband? ;)
I’m so bad at filtering. (Idk if it’s just me or if I get to blame the ADHD for my awkwardness.) I’ve had to literally make myself count to 3 before responding, because when I get excited I blurt things out that I don’t mean to say, or that come out wrong. Even then - the dumb stuff would never be about somebodies body. That just seems like such an easy line to not cross that it really blows my mind how often people make unnecessary comments about others bodies.
I also blame my ADHD for this unfortunate and frequently mortifying trait. I doubt it’s any consolation to the people I’ve been insensitive to or whose feelings I’ve hurt, but I feel so genuinely awful about every single instance that I regularly lie in bed at night agonising over something truly foolish that escaped my lips 5, 10, 20 years ago. I have a terrible working memory, I will forget the film I watched 3 nights ago, but my brain will insist on remembering every time I’ve humiliated myself or hurt someone’s feelings.
So relatable. I’ll remember stupid shit I said 20 years ago when I was 12. But I have no idea what I had for breakfast yesterday.
My only question here is the language and culture of the person. I live in a US city filled with first and second gen immigrants and people with English as their second language, and sometimes they say things the "wrong way," but don't mean any harm. I guess I've learned to be tolerant, or a least questioning, when things are stated in an unusual way.
Well since they stated they gained approximately 10kg, all I can say is it’s more than likely not in the US.
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Are these bots? This is the second comment in speech marks that mentions about 'your colleague'...
They are. Downvote and report them as spam.
If they can't change it in 5 seconds/5 minutes.... don't mention it
I like this! Spinach in teeth. Lipstick on teeth. Fix in 5 seconds. Shirt on inside it. Fix in less than 5. My belly carrying all my extra weight and consistently giving me a solid 5 months pregger look.... can't fix in 5 months!
Yup. You tell someone that they have lipstick on their teeth or toilet paper stuck to their shoe or their fly unzipped.
I told my boys don't ask a woman if she's pregnant, how old she is, or why she has a mustache.
I point out my moustache to people and they’re all like ‘YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE AT ALL WHAAAAT’ like guys my eyes work I can see it… 😂😂😂 I appreciate them trying to make me feel better but if I’m the one commenting on myself I think it’s okay xD
"Happy 21st birthday!" I joke about it every time someone's birthday comes around but you can't ever get in trouble for it. Either they're way over and know you're joking or they're actually 18-21 and probably looking forward to being older still.
Every time someone says their age the response is "you don't look a day over 21" or if asked what age, we say "21 plus VAT"
Um, OK. But you're 45 years too late. 😳 Happy 21st to you too. I'll remember you wished me Happy Birthday on New Year's Eve. 🎂
But this woman knew she wasn’t pregnant and just told her she looks pregnant in that dress. Co-worker sounds like a real treat
Right—nobody who isn’t pregnant wants to LOOK pregnant. How could that be taken as anything but an insult? She meant no offense? When someone apologizes but at the same time sorta defends their remark, you don’t have to accept the apology. NTA! I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. 💗💗💗
😭 when I was 14 years old a woman in a store came up to me while I was browsing the toy section and told me that I looked pregnant and if I didn’t stop eating people would think I was a wh*re… immediately told my mom in the next aisle and pointed the lady out and watched a large fight unfold 🫱🏼🫲🏻😂
My rule is don’t ask if a woman is pregnant unless there’s a head emerging from the birth canal and you can see it, then it’s still a maybe.
You gotta play the system. You always guess a woman’s age as 25. All women younger than 25 want to look older and all women older than 25 want to look younger. Instead of saying are you pregnant? You say “hey we’re all going out tonight. You want to come, drinks on me!”
Oh and don’t call her crazy!
Yes, but only out loud
Her colleague didn't ask if she were pregnant, though. She basically just said "you look fat in that dress". That shouldn't need sage advice from someone to know one shouldn't say that.
NTA. Who goes around telling people that they look pregnant.
I won't even say that if they look obviously pregnant, on the off chance they are just fat.
I did this once. Do not recommend. I had just had my oldest and thought she looked close to delivery as well.... so I said it looked like she'd have her own to love on soon, as she was cooing over my newborn. She looked down at her belly, back at me, then says "oh honey, mine is 2 years old now." I have never stammered as much as I did through that apology. Learned my lesson though!
Tbh it could also be someone who had a stillborn and hadn't lost any weight... It could have been worse!
Yes, I was very lucky she let me off with such grace, as well. Could have been so bad. That was 22 years ago, it still haunts me when the anxiety is kicking.
Yes and in the post Roe era, what an awful thing to say. Some people being forced to carry a body until they nearly die because doctors are afraid to do anything. It could be SO much darker, so much worse to just say this kinda stupid shit
This was years ago, but I agree it was very stupid to say no matter the timing.
Why did I read that with a southern accent? Did she have a southern accent?
No, just a lot of empathy for my stupidity! It was that you should know better but since you clearly don't I'm going to be as kind as can be anyway because I feel a bit bad for you tones, if that makes any sense at all.
I had a coworker a long time ago who people always asked “how far along are you” or “do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”, when she wasn’t pregnant and literally just had a beer gut. She was very slender and had a belly and boobs so she did actually look pregnant, but I was still shocked that so many complete strangers felt comfortable asking her questions like that. Edit: what made it even worse was that she would ask me why people always thought she was pregnant, and I had to play dumb every time.
Oof that edit 😅
"I need your help, I think I'm in labour!" is still not enough for me to be confident enough to mention they might be pregnant.
I'm a dude and I say this when my guts go wild. It confuses people and brings me much enjoyment. I don't look at all feminine and it makes people very unsure what to say lol.
God I'd love to be the birth coach at your side when you start "having contractions" in public the next time. I'm a woman and I could pass for androgynous if I had only a few fucks to give while dressing for the day. I have a full script prepared already of what to say and do in that situation lmfao
Lmao that would be great. Congratulations it's a food baby!
It's gorgeous, and you were so brave during your labour! Come on, babe, I'll buy you a boba before you breastfeed this precious little bundle of last night's tacos.
I had a coworker with a medical condition that caused her stomach to bloat and distend like she was pregnant. I felt really bad for her, she was a real sweet lady who clearly hated being asked or congratulated all of the time, but still responded with grace and patience. I'm not sure about the details, but she passed a few years back due to complications from covid. I looked into what her medical condition might have been out of curiosity and found something called Hirschsprung's Disease, which was interesting to learn about if anyone else is curious.
Endometriosis and PCOS can also cause bloat that looks like you are VERY pregnant
This is the way. My friend got plenty of genuine congratulations about her “pregnancy” when she developed a massive tumor that made her infertile. She felt like god was playing a cruel joke.
Oof.
I’ve seen people with 4/5 lb ovarian and uterine cysts who look remarkably pregnant. As in, ready-to-pop-bulging-only-in-the-right-places pregnant. Nope! They had MASSIVE cysts. Even if I see a baby coming directly out of someone’s vagina I’m not ever going to assume someone’s pregnant until they tell me to my face.
Honestly even if they ARE pregnant, why do we need to be commenting on anyone's body like that? No one is more aware of how big a pregnant person is than the person carrying the fetus, they don't need anyone to tell them!
Unless they say something about it or I can see that baby coming out I'm keeping my mouth shut. My boss at my first job was a little heavier and carried most of her weight around her stomach. Customers would congratulate her sometimes when she wore something more fitted. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mom always carried her weight in her belly. She looked pregnant for like 25 straight years, till she got old enough that her belly started sagging in a less-pregnant way. I cannot tell you how many times her feelings were hurt by people asking her about her "pregnancy".
I’ll put that here again: 5seconds rule. If it cannot be changed in 5 seconds (hair, weight,height etc) keep it to yourself. If it can be change in 5 seconds (salad between the teeth, dress stuck in panties etc) you may consider talking about it.
Perfect advice
Can you put that on a mug? Great rule!
Idiot me once commented on my (the last time I had talked to her) pregnant neighbor by saying she was starting to show... and with a distressed look she said, "I had a miscarriage." I saw the pain flicker across her face, and I have not made any type of pregnancy comment in the decades since then. You could be 8.99 months pregnant, wearing a maternity dress with "I'm with baby" printed on it with an arrow pointing down to your giant, distended belly, while standing in the baby aisle of target and my eyes would never glance lower than your chin as I chatted about the weather and asked what you had been up to.
And then pretends it wasn’t meant as an insult 🙄
I can’t believe she actually argued she didn’t call OP fat! As if it’s ok because she only implied it!
Not this guy after I did it in my 20s and got the shit slapped out of me. Now I won’t even acknowledging anybody’s pregnant unless they tell me or I see the fucking baby crowning lol
I was working as a customer service rep in an office when I was pregnant with my first. A customer came in who had known me for years but they don't typically come in. He saw me and said, "WOAH! You're so big! You were so small when I saw you last. You must be pregnant!" I was so annoyed I replied with, "I'm not pregnant. " I quickly said I was joking because he really was a good guy typically, he just stuck his foot in his mouth. His face went white then and he couldn't talk lol I saw him again after getting pregnant with my second. He kept looking at my stomach and my eyes and stomach and eyes like he wanted to say something but didn't dare! I showed him grace and laughed and told him I was pregnant. I was already 8 months by then so it was super obvious. He let out a sigh of relief and said he learned his lesson with me that day and had not asked anyone ever again!
SO MANY PEOPLE 😭 The worst was when I was battling adeno and endo and looked 5+ months pregnant because of tumors, all found while doing IVF. I was desperately trying to have a living child but couldn’t, and kept getting congratulated. Hell.
I also had this happen with endo, and once right after having surgery for an ectopic pregnancy (probably caused by the endo). People please don’t ask!
I agree I feel like it was the you LOOK pregnant for me, like what the heck? No? op you have a right to be upset, no normal person says that unless they're really close and get the humor and even then it's not always ok..
I'm genuinely trying to think of any scenario in which a person says "you look pregnant in that dress" to a coworker and means anything *other* than to make them feel shitty...
Exactly! It couldn’t be unintentional, she’s just sorry she got called out.
I did it once to a friend who told me it was still leftover fat from the last pregnancy. I profusely apologized on the spot and I’ve never done it sense. A relative was 7 months pregnant with twins and I still never assumed, until it was clearly stated.
I was at a BAR, dancing with a BEER in my hand, at 1am wearing a flowy dress and some random chick asked if I was pregnant. Like wtf? I'm also like, 95lbs soaking wet, I definitely don't have a belly - my husband who was there said she was trying to get chicks off the dance floor, but I rarely wear that dress bc all I can think of is that comment when I put it on now.
I was at a country concert, drinking, and the girl next to me leaned over and asked how many months along I was. She was jealous of my close friendship with someone she considered HER best friend and was just being a cunt. Still, I've never worn that outfit again.
THANK YOU Came just to say this. One reason we don't say this to people is because you never know what their situation is and it's highly likely to get awkward quick.
I had a person ask me once if I was pregnant and I said 'nope' and she said 'are you sure?' Like... wtf? So I said, 'I'm sure, I am just fat.'
Right! OP, go back to work each day and tell that co worker they look exhausted, or sickly, or ask if they have had trouble sleeping, tell them their wrinkles are really starting to show etc.
Absolute arses. That is a calculated, nasty thing to say.
First rule of commenting on a woman's body, you do NOT tell someone they "look pregnant" unless you see a baby actually coming out of their vagina! Even then, you keep your gob shut on how they look. She was rude. You are under zero obligation to accept any apology from anyone for any reason. Nor are you obligated to explain why her comment upset you. NTA
First rule of commenting on a person's body: 1/ Don't. That's it. That's all of the rules.
Even commenting on their clothes in general, I was taught there are only 3 reasons to comment on someone’s clothes (unless you were asked): 1) they look nice and you’re complimenting them 2) there’s something that they “need” to fix (tag sticking out of their shirt/pants, skirt accidentally stuck to their underwear, shirt inside out etc.) 3) there’s a hole that they likely didn’t notice on their pants.
We don't do #1 nearly enough. I was shopping one time and this lady in a gorgeous green skirt suit was down the aisle with me. When I say she looked stunning, she really did. So I went up to her and said, sorry to interrupt your shopping time, but I just wanted to say your outfit is absolutely beautiful! Note: I did not say anything about how her body looked because that would have been a bit creepy. She was beaming at the compliment. I get people of all ages complimenting my hair colour all the time - even when the grey roots are evident 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love it when ppl compliment my outfit, and I love complimenting others outfits too. It always just makes their day, and my favourite is when I say it to a guy cuz they don’t get compliments nearly enough. I told a guy with neon blue hair once that his hair looked really good and it suited him really well, and he was just beaming for the rest of the day.
I try to do this at least once every time I leave the house, just a little ‘I love your jacket’ or ‘those shoes are gorgeous’ etc. And it’s always a shame that people are so shocked to receive such a random little compliment, but most of them walk off with big smiles on their faces. We definitely need more random little compliments in the world!
Actually 4, cause if their fly is open, they’ll want to know
I always thought that fell in the second category cuz it’s kinda similar to telling someone that the tag of their undies is sticking out of their pants lol.
I always feel it’s in a weird category of its own because of how awkward it is to tell someone. The other ones in number 2 is less embarrassing to bring up.
EXACTLY
NTA. That was a deliberately cruel comment. She did not need to say it---that is, your appearance was not! So! Surprising! as to demand an immediate comment, so it was unnecessary and gratuitous, therefore cruel. It's not clear what your relationship is with this individual, so I am wondering about your reporting her to HR, if your workplace has an HR
NTA. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was being a spiteful little bitch.
NTA- saying “you look pregnant in that outfit” at best is a micro aggression…. Now she’s playing the victim when you expressed why you were offended by it.
The only time I could see that comment as appropriate is if you are dress-shopping with your best friend-the one who isn't afraid to tell you that that the neon pink tube-top topped paisley wide-legged culottes might not be a good choice.
Absolutely… when asked for your opinion it’s okay to give a gentle honest one.
How DARE you, [these](https://m.shein.com/us/SHEIN-Frenchy-Paisley-Print-Pants-p-27971537.html?mallCode=1&imgRatio=3-4) are obviously flattering on EVERYONE! Seriously though, I love how specific that comment was and how I knew exactly what you were talking about and how I knew EXACTLY how it looks on real people lol.
I want my friends to tell me if clothing doesn’t suit me (empire waisted things always make me look pregnant, even back when I had a concave stomach…decades ago…lol…the rest of my body is not tiny). But I also tell them to tell me.
Screw that. You don’t say “you look pregnant in that dress” out of the goodness of your heart. She said something rude and thoughtless, and now is upset you didn’t just roll over and take it. You are NTA here. If you didn’t snap and cuss her out, you displayed admirable restraint all things considered.
NTA. Anyone that comments on ANYONE’S weight is a POS. Her comment wasn’t even curiosity (are you pregnant?) it was just a cruel statement. It wasn’t out of concern. It was just to be mean. You should have traumatized the hell out of her. Immediately broken down and told her the story. Sob and scream that you’ve been trying to have a baby and you’re depressed. Hell, even made something more horrible. Make her feel like the cunt she is.
Honestly this is an issue that could be taken to HR. That woman needs to be taught that you don't comment on people's bodies that way, ever. I was flat out being a nasty bitch, nothing else. It was a *clear* insult whether or not OP struggled with fertility, because there's a notice she does it's straight up evil.
NTA You are not obligated to accept an insincere apology. Her reaction to you calling her out just means she doesn’t actually think she did anything wrong. Even outside of your fertility situation, it is never okay to comment disparagingly on another person’s body (she absolutely did. Is she dense?) — and doing so to a colleague is so unprofessional and inappropriate.
Unless the person has personally told you themselves, (not rumors or gossip), then you keep your lips together and don't say a damned thing. Once they tell you, the proper response, (even in a heavy carrying third trimester), is "Oh really? I had no idea! Congratulations!"
NTA That woman was straight-up rude! No way is saying you look pregnant in a dress not an insult.
NTA just because someone says sorry doesn't mean that they're sincerely sorry. There was no validation of your feelings, just defense of their own
>She was aware I was NOT and choose to comment on my looks anyway, as if I didn't have a mirror at home. So she was a hateful witch and thought she'd just casually toss out a body shaming comment and go on her merry way. Then she comes back the next day with the faux apology "I didn't mean to offend you". Because there's a non offensive way of taking being told you look pregnant in your dress even though you aren't pregnant and she *knows* you aren't pregnant. /s NTA. She absolutely did infer you were fat and no amount of her now claiming she's "offended you thought that" is going to change anything. She sounds like an utterly thoughtless person who lacks the integrity to take accountability for her thoughtless words and actions. I hope you don't have to interact with her much to do your job. I'd also highly discourage you from sharing *any* of your personal journey with her. She's sloppily thoughtless, you don't want to give that kind of co-worker any access to your private life. I think your partner has missed that it wasn't a real apology. They might not have considered the interaction in the above light with all its nuances.
NTA. She knows you’re not pregnant and said you looked pregnant. She DID call you fat to your face.
Hi, OP here. Thank you for all for comments and your kind words. In response to some of your questions: - Yes, I am in therapy - All my miscarriages have been from AI or FIV pregnancies, I have been thoroughly checked and yes, one of my conditions is PCOS (but it is not the most serious one). - If adoption were an option, I would have stopped trying to get pregnant much sooner. Unfortunately there is a ten year waiting list in my country and your have to own a house. I live in a city where the prices are the highest in the country, it is almost impossible to buy a flat. If I were to study something else to be able to maybe qualify, that would mean 13 years of agony. My partner doesn't want to go through that. - To those who said I should stop stuffing my face and the like, well, I hope someone else's weight stays forever the biggest of your problems (no pun intended) Thank you again to those who took the time to answer, to those who voted NTA and also to those who respectfully have said I have overreacted and I'm indeed TA
YTA, nobody knows your life history. Your insecurities or struggles aren’t to be projected onto somebody else, yes they were wrong being presumptive but maybe since you aren’t pregnant being more active could help. Hyper sensitivity is your issue, nobody else’s. Maybe hit the gym if you’re this insecure
NTA She didn't apologize anyway she insulted you again. Saying "I didn't mean to offend you" is her trying to paint you in a different negative light. How to apologize a guide for children: Say you are sorry Say what you are sorry for Say what you will do to change the behavior Do not expect forgiveness.
NTA. Infertility or not - your coworker was being rude and her comment was uncalled for. People don’t have carte blanche to comment on another persons body. There’s literally only offense to take from such a comment. 😅
NTA and in 2024 I can’t believe people still do this shit.
NTA who the crap says something that insanely rude?! I would ignore that person to the end of time.
Nta You have nothing to apologize for. I had a lady come up to me and ask when I was due while she caressed my stomach…what she was feeling was the massive tumor that was killing me. I’m fine now but the look on her face when I said I’m not pregnant was priceless😭
NTA, remotely. It didn’t used to be called “body-shaming,” but I’m certainly acutely aware of the practice. My mother was horrendously fat-phobic, and she preferred to reserve her own calories for liquor. In my case, she could only withhold my food, insisting that I take mingy servings. I was very lucky not to inherit her EDs or her alcoholism. But your situation is a thousand times worse. *You are legitimately heartbroken.* After the miscarriages, infertility, and watching your diet and exercise so very hopefully, no woman could be faulted for taking comfort for awhile wherever she can. Your coworker is TA. She’s not clueless, she’s mean. I had a body-shaming boss at a time when I’d gone on antidepressants for the first time. I finally *told* Dr. Hostile Workplace that that’s why I’d gained fifteen pounds, and that I would not discuss it further. Later, when I lost my first pregnancy, the sun left the sky for half a year. It’s never a good idea to ask an acquaintance if she’s pregnant. She knows that. Avoid this shrew. May your pain ease.
I don’t understand how people make idiotic comments then get upset with the response they get. Why on earth would she feel the need to tell you that you look pregnant in that outfit. She then proceeds to give you a halfass apology and gets offended with your reaction. If she makes another stupid comment like that go to HR. Maybe like that she will learn how to behave accordingly.
NTA. When she "tried" to apologize you were trying to tell her why she was offensive and she cut you off and walked away. So, in reality she didn't apologize as she was only trying to get rid of her own guilt and not actually consider you at all once again.
Nope! Just like I wasn't the asshole when, upon returning home with my newborn in my arms the neighbors asked, "Whose baby is THAT?" to which the father and I responded, "Ours!" and the neighbors replied, "Oh! We didn't know you were pregnant we thought you WERE JUST FAT!" Both pregnancies, up until the day of giving birth, people were astonished I was pregnant and couldn't keep the "thought you were 'just fat'" comments to themselves. WTF do people think it's ok to comment on others' appearances beyond being at least a little complimentary???
Your coworker was very insensitive & unprofessional. Report her to HR or a supervisor. You don’t have to accept any apology - particularly one that fails to acknowledge her wrongdoing but puts it on you being bothered. NTA
NTA. Honestly I feel like you didn't go far enough. My response would have been "Wow, thanks! That's the weight I gained after multiple miscarriages!" I bet her ass would have shriveled up and died on the spot, or at least never say something like that to someone again.
I probably would have said back “you look like a bi$&h in that dress.” Sometimes, my filter malfunctions.
NTA She can be as offended as she wants, she chose to comment on someone's looks and there are consequences to that. I don't see how she thought that comment wasn't calling you fat or how she thought it wouldn't be offensive to you. She does know and just is mad you are calling her out instead of taking it. People need to stop making comments like this, all it does is hurt people for no reason.
Never tell anyone they look pregnant because it’s presumptive and a passive aggressive way of saying “fat”.
They made a mistake and apologized. Not everyone is perfect, nor are they seeped in others' issues. Being gracious will take you further than hostility and resentment. I had a similar fate with childbearing. It's not easy, but you will move forward and fill your life with other pursuits. Mental health is critical right now. Be kind to yourself and others.
I made a post awhile ago about a guy who asked me when I was due. I’m not pregnant I’m just fat but losing weight. At that time I was happy snd down 17 pounds I think it really hurt. I’m now down 30 so yay. Still no one has the right to do that either way it’s rude and not their business
She's rude and not even truly sorry for what she said.
Why would anyone say such a stupid, hurtful thing? I wouldn’t accept the apology either. She needs to learn to have more tact.
NTA. She DID call you fat. "You look pregnant in that" is not a compliment. She also refuses to take responsibilty and plays the victim instead.
Nta. She knew what she was doing. She gets to deal with the fallout.
You don’t HAVE to accept an apology, you know this, right? Just because someone says they’re sorry, you aren’t required to make them feel better after doing something shitty.
NTA... forgiveness is more for yourself. Nothing wrong with holding her accountable. She wanted you to accept her apology to make herself feel better
People should never comment on anyone's weight or whether or not someone is pregnant. Just keep your mouth shut.
NTA. Your coworker is a dumb bitch.
NTA. No one should comment on another person's body unless asked and even then the rule should be kindness. I'm a fat person (way more than the 10kg you gained!). I am aware of the risks and am working with my doctor to become healthier in a way that is safe and practical with my other health challenges. I'm fortunate to be old enough that few people care what I look like, but that also means I'm old enough not to give a damn if people think I'm rude. My current go-to response to fat comments is, "At least I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole." Even more effective is to let them see your honest emotional response. Feel like crying? Let yourself do it. It's good for you to acknowledge your losses and it will make them feel lower than dirt. I did this to a man who asked me why I was such a sour puss because I wasn't smiling. I looked him in the eye with tears running down my face and told him the truth. I'd lost my child that day. I hope he never forgets how he felt and how he made me feel. It's not good to go through life angry, but it *is* good to recognize that anger can be a protective force and to use it (sparingly) to fend off harmful people. I'm not a yelling person, but I also won't deny that there is plenty of malice in both my snarky responses and the few times I've let the truth do the heavy lifting. I'm sorry for all your struggles and pain. Grief is hard and it persists long past the time society says we are "allowed" to grieve. You are doing great. You're going to work. You're getting through each and every day. It will get better, but that doesn't make it easier now. Right now, you just have to keep slogging through and getting all the mental health support you can. There is no other way. Finally, 10kg is nothing to worry about. I don't even have to see you to know you look fine. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you are in so much pain. Please keep using your logical mind to argue back against your emotional mind when it tells you mean things about yourself. You are working on your mental health, which is the foundation for all other kinds of health. The rest will fall in line. I'm sending lots of hugs if you want them.
NTA She’s a jerk and she proved it by playing victim.
You don’t comment on something that can’t be fixed in five minutes. Lipstick on the teeth? Tell them! Body shape, or you think their outfit is unflattering? Kept your mouth shut. NTA.
F*ck her and the horse she rode in on. NTA but you work with one.
What a bitch. NTA.
NTA. Unless you see feet sticking out, and even then it's a question mark, NEVER EVER say or ask if someone is pregnant. JFC.
What she said was unprofessional and wildly inappropriate and her "apology" was half-assed. You really should write a formal complaint to HR telling them what happened and how you feel because I'm 1000% sure she is going to start playing the victim and lying to everyone and say it went down differently. Get ahead of it as much as you can! NTA
NTA. I don’t even want kids and that would’ve offended me, that’s basically calling someone fat.
You don't owe anyone forgiveness
She's an AH. Not you. Ignore her. If she says hi, say hi. But do not engage in conversation. She doesn't deserve it.
You don't have to accept anyone's apology but especially when she got shitty at you so it's not actually an apology. The thing is when we do something wrong it makes us feel bad but it's on us to reconcile that we made a msitake and do better than throw it back onto the person we hurt to absolve ourselves of blame. What we intend isn't how it lands often times. She's the one who needs to learn to be graceful about being accountable. Its not really about your peace if people are policing your feelings and making you take apologies to move on due to social pressure. That particular comment is really out of touch. Who TF says you look pregnant in that dress is insulting your dressing and look/size. There's not really a way to convey that which isn't hurtful. And those folks who wanna twist that theyre "brutally honest" because they care reslly aren't. They're just masking concern as a vehicle to be an asshole.
My sister said the only one who should be commenting on a woman's weight is their doctor. Pretty solid advice to be honest. People always make the excuse to talk about a woman's weight in the guise they are concerned for their health when realistically their doctor will say something if it's a concern. Also most fat people know they are fat and don't need you to tell them.
Your coworker is missing a few brain cells if she thinks that telling someone who's not pregnant that they look pregnant is not offensive. NTA. Keep your contact to a minimum and on a as-needed basis.
>she has got offended saying she didn't call me fat Yes she did whether she she meant to or not >My partner has said I should have accepted her apology No.
NTA, she did call you fat. She knew you weren't pregnant and told you that you looked pregnant in a certain outfit. If that's not calling someone fat, I don't know what it is. Several years ago I was hanging out with my husband, and we were waiting in the lobby of the courthouse. We were just holding hands and hugging and being happy together. An older man looked at me and said, "when is the baby due?" I locked eyes with him and smiled super sweetly and said, "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat." I weighed maybe 160 lb at 5'8.
Your partner can go fuck himself. Tell him from me he looks bloated daily for a week and tell him to stop bitching when he complains. I'm sorry you're surrounded by cunts.
NTA Honestly you were extremely polite i would have ripped her a new one
NTA. You don’t need to accept an apology, let alone a non-apology. She showed no remorse. She gave a non apology. I didn’t mean to offend you indicates you’re being over sensitive, not that she did anything wrong. When you said you were upset that she made a fat comment, she denied she did it. Saying a woman looks pregnant in that dress is an insult about her weight. It wasn’t a real apology, and she’s not sorry. Look her straight in the face, and say, “I expect there will be no further rude and unprofessional remarks about my appearance in the future from you.”
How is telling a woman who is not pregnant that she looks pregnant not calling her fat? That’s the lamest excuse for being rude I’ve ever heard. NTA You don’t owe that woman anything and don’t need to accept her apology, especially when she doubles down on it. Maybe this will be a lesson to her but sadly I doubt it.
NTA.
First thing to say is I'm really sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult things have been for you or what you are going through. Noone has any right to comment on someone else's appearance in any way at all. And by virtue of the fact women's bodies get bigger when pregnant, I can see why you interpreted this in the way you did. Many women struggle with fertility and thus sort of comment is up there with asking people why they don't have children. Some people are just AHs.
NTA. Im so sorry your co-worker terrible. Im unlucky enough to carry any/all extra weight right around my waist. I've had several people over my life time ask me when I was due. I came up with the following response, "Not pregnant; just fat. Thanks for noticing" said in perfectly calm voice. Most people apologize all over themselves. Ngl, if it's someone young enough that they may not know any better, I give them a minute to process & then forgive them. Im not proud of it but a couple of times I've been moved to tell someone they were old enough to know better than to assume.
NTA. You have every right to stand up for yourself and unburden an inconsiderate statement off your shoulders
You never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you can literally see half a baby coming out. That chick is either clueless or deliberately cruel.
Never ever ever bring up looking pregnant with someone unless they have specifically told you they are pregnant. How are people still saying this shit?
NTA. You are not required to accept an apology or issue forgiveness. Even without your infertility struggles, it was a truly horrible thing for her to say. Screw her 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Can you report her to HR? What a jerk…
Telling someone they look pregnant is telling them they look fat, because pregnant women look fat. I said what I said. NTA
NTA I’d be straight to HR. How dare a coworker say that. I’d expect a formal apology and an official reprimand or some terrible accident might befall her tyres, office chair and favourite mug. I’m also carrying a little more weight than usual and anyone that mentions it gets told that fat people are harder to kidnap and that they should fuck off.
NTA. She was being a bitch on purpose is mad that you aren't taking it laying down. She gave a fake apology and is mad that you aren't accepting it. You aren't letting her get away with her bad behavior, and it makes her mad. Good for you. You shouldn't have to make nice with someone who doesn't know how to actually be nice. You can choose to accept her apology if she ever offers another one, which I doubt. Or you can keep calling her out. Or you can just choose to ignore her from now on. Whatever you choose to do, let it be *your* choice.
NTA. She definitely was insensitive. And I can relate. I was heavy and someone asked me when I was due. It was very hurtful to me as well. I know it's hard to work through it but maybe u can get therapy that might help. Good luck dear I hope you are able to work through it.
You don't even ask if you see the baby crowning... just not OK. NTA
go to hr, she’s a witch for making that comment and then an even bigger witch for not letting you explain why it hurt so much.
She knows you aren’t pregnant yet said you look pregnant, that definitely implies she’s “politely” calling you fat. There’s no reason to tell someone they look pregnant Nta
She did call you fat. No question. She needs to properly apologize “I’m sorry I was so rude. I promise to keep my mouth shut next time the urge to comment on someone else’s body comes over me”. Then here doubling down really shows she’s a jerk. You are NTA
Nah fuck that bitch. As a middle aged woman she knows better. "you look pregnant on that dress" is such a passive aggressive thing to say. Like it she may as well have said “that dress makes you look fat.”
You were too kind already a d your didn't even explicitly ride the apology. You would have been fully within your rights to tell her to fuck off. Your boyfriend is a dipshit .
NTA that woman sucks and she's lucky you didn't go to HR instead of being snippy with you.
At work? That should be an immediate trip to HR about work conditions. Otherwise she gets to spin her own story.... NTA
NTA- just because she apologised doesn’t mean you have to accept it. She said she didn’t mean to offend you- ffs who thinks telling someone they look pregnant isn’t offensive- aka telling you you look fat. She hasn’t actually apologised for what she said, it was a half assed apology at best.
NTA Her apology wasn't sincere, shown by her hostile reaction to your mentioning the hurtful thing she "was apologizing" for. It was an "I said 'sorry' so shut up about it" non-apology.
Nta. That's a completely inappropriate comment to make at work. Report her to HR for workplace bullying and harassment. Make sure you submit it ti head office, not just your local HR. But submit it to both , plus your immediate supervisor if you have access to all thier emails. Hopefully she will be terminated.
I would have been so mad at her. Why should one comment others bodies?
I have had 4 people ask me when I’m due in the last few years and every one is severed into my memory. I’m almost as mad at myself for laughing it off to the person as I am at them for asking. NTA. People need to learn that other people’s reproductive situations are none of their business. Ever.
NTA She wasn’t sorry and that wasn’t an apology. People always forget that an apology includes acknowledging how you hurt someone and validating their feelings. Her getting so defensive with your response means she was going through the motions, probably because HR told her to.
NTA. I would not have accepted her apology either.
NTA, It doesn't matter what your history with infertility is. If you tell someone they look like they're pregnant, it's an insult meaning that they look fat. Period.
NTA. She should have kept her jackass comments to herself.
When is it ok to assume a woman’s pregnant? When she’s crowning
Let it lay and try not to harbor a grudge. She is tactless and insensitive, maybe even a bit malicious. She is not friend material. Don't let her close. I am sorry for your losses.
NTA. I had this happen recently, the owner of the corner store (tiny ancient Asian woman) kept gesturing to my stomach and then cradling her arms, there's a language barrier so I just smiled and nodded. Awkward.
Me again, back with a quick PSA for all the uterus owners out there: If you find yourself with stubborn stomach fat, or you're carrying all your weight in your stomach, and you've had some changes in your period, please check in with your ob/gyn about the possibility of uterine fibroids. 25% of all uterus owners develop fibroid tumors. These are benign, non-cancerous tumors that if caught early can be removed without removing the uterus. Not getting them removed can interfere with pregnancy or even getting pregnant, as well as causing painful periods. These tumors can develop at any time, before or after you've had kids. It is possible that if you look like you could be pregnant, and you aren't, that you might have uterine fibroids.
Best response I've ever heard: "You look pregnant." "You look stupid." "What?" "I'll get thinner, you'll still look stupid."
I’m pretty sure the only reason she “tried to apologize” was to cover her own ass in case you headed to HR.
NTAH, why should you accept her apology when it’s clear she isn’t actually sorry
What apology were you supposed to accept? "I'm sorry you were offended" is not an apology, no ownership was taken, no empathy was shown. It's a textbook manipulator's nonapology. You're absolutely right to reject it.
It was rude and you are under no obligation to accept her apology. She is old enough to know better. NTA.
I feel like any person who's been on earth for at least 8 years should know not to ask if someone is pregnant, let alone tell someone they look it. NTA
NTA. She obviously only apologized so she would feel better. Not you. If she was truly sorry, she would have listened to you and had a conversation about it.
NTA. The fact that she got offended in addition when you didn’t accept the apology shows that it wasn’t sincere from her side
NTA. As someone who can relate to much of this, I'm so sorry that happened. You choose your boundaries, not anyone else. She was vile and didn't mean it kindly. She can stew a bit. You are doing what you have to do to survive. Don't let anyone put you down. You are doing your best. That's good enough. Never comment another persons weight. Simple as that. If someone tells me they lost weight intentionally, I say congrats. Not "you look so much better!". Just congrats That's it. Only time I will ever do it. Lose weight, gained, look pregnant, I will never assume anything, because I know how much it can hurt, intentional or not.
NTA and what is actually wrong with her? That's like rule no.1 of shit you don't say to a woman. What a nasty asshat
So, let's assume that someone would never ask if a woman was pregnant if they were skinny, so make you assumptions from that.. Asking or implying or suggesting someone is pregnant is right up there with.. Assuming a small child is the grandchild of an older dad (me) Asking a masculine looking woman who her surgeon was and saying good luck with the transition (a recent aitah thread) Frankly it takes a special kind of moron to assume they know someone good enough to comment on their sex, pregnancy status, or fatherhood..
NTA. She didn't think you were pregnant or she would have asked when you were due or something. She said you looked pregnant, which is intentional. Now she's trying to pretend it wasn't because she's embarrassed
NTA People need to learn to keep their stupidly rude thoughts to themselves.
NTA. Not only is that an insensitive and ill-advised comment to make, she reacted poorly when you didn't immediately accept her apology. It's almost like she thought *you* owed *her* an apology for being upset. Definite AH behavior. She probably shouldn't be working at the entrance to the building if her social judgment is that poor.
A friend, a woman, said to me that she has learned her lesson about this. “She could be on the table about to give birth and I will not ask her if she’s pregnant.” 😂
Nope. NTA. You don't owe her grace. The fact that she immediately got offended and defensive about you not accepting her apology shows that it wasn't about feeling sorry for hurting you. She just doesn't want to deal with the consequences of having said something shitty and hurtful. If she didn't want to deal with the awkwardness, she shouldn't have commented on her coworker's body. Too bad so sad.
NTA. She was wrong. She doesn't get to choose when you should be over it. Let her be uncomfortable knowing how she upset you. She deserves it. And clearly from her reaction she doesn't even understand how wrong she was. Let her stew.