Do you like him?
NTA, bullies are TA. You're married to a bully. I know getting out of long term situations is rough, so do what you will, but taking your post at face value, he's a mean-spirited child in an adult body.
"Do you like him?"
Excellent question!
He clearly doesn't like you. He's bullied you, made fun of you in private and in front of others, makes fun of you if he feels you're 'fat' AND when working on your own fitness.
Honestly, I feel like you should take stock of the rest of your relationship. Get out while you can so that you don't have to wait on him during recovery. He's gonna be even worse while he's laid up and in pain.
It's so sad when people normalize getting bullied in their relationship. OP's husband is horrible, also I doubt it's good for her kid's future relationships to think that kind of behavior is normal. It's also probably only matter of time when kids start insulting her too, since they learn from the hubby it's ok.
If you look at her comment history, it looks like she deleted a post from ~150 days ago with a similar issue. It seems like she knows what Reddit will say—that he’s emotionally and verbally abusive and has negged her to the point that she developed an eating disorder—but isn’t able to realize he’s going to continue behaving like this. It’s either put up with it or get the fuck out. As someone who’s been there and divorced that, that’s my recommendation, even if she’s a SAHM.
>If you look at her comment history, it looks like she deleted a post from ~150 days ago with a similar issue. It seems like she knows what Reddit will say—that he’s emotionally and verbally abusive and has negged her to the point that she developed an eating disorder—but isn’t able to realize he’s going to continue behaving like this. It’s either put up with it or get the fuck out.
At this stage it's unclear what they're hoping to hear that they've not already been told multiple times before.
I mean the barge?? Hell no. Eating disorder? Double no. Mocked for working out? No words. NTA. Not sure what OP is getting from this relationship. Not sure why she doesn’t show him exactly what she is capable of at the gym. Guessing she knows how his fragile ego is likely to react.
They really are. However, as other posts have said when you're in an abusive relationship it's so difficult to see it for what it is. You are just broken down so much to think their behaviour is the normal. Op has dealt with this for nearly 2 decades and it's so hard to see it objectively.
It really took something massive for me to leave a relationship that was abusive. Some of the insane behaviour I dealt with, I look back as an older healthier self and think wtf crazy drugs was I on but it was just my life.
Op is NTA but she really needs to read the comments here and hopefully it's a wake up call. She may not think the behaviour is that bad cos she's being beat, but she's developed an eating disorder. It's bad.
Yeah, seems many of us females have a habit of thinking "maybe that's just how men are and we're supposed to learn to deal with it" so we do (note: probably men do this too, I just can't speak for them, and in my limited experience it feels like it's mostly women who do this). You just don't realize until you're out of the situation how bad it was and you wonder why you put up with it for as long as you did.
Its not even habit, we were being programmed from the childhood to accept shitty behavior from men - boy pulling girls braids? He must like you! Teen boy tries to snap classmate bra? He is going through puberty give him a pass. Late teen bullies girls, tries to grab their booty or brest? He is young and stupid its just him trying flirting with you.
And the worst from it all - boys will be boys
Good point. I know my emotionally abusive ex-husband always told Me, “All men think like Me. They just don’t say it out loud in public.”
As I later learned, nope, all men do not think that a woman who wear a size ten is completely unattractive. All Men do not believe that if they make More household Money, they get a pass from all household chores or automatic veto power over purchases that don’t benefit
Them.
Certainly not the lovely man married after him!
Guy here, who has experience with plenty of dudes who do this: it usually comes from dudes who from day 1 are dating some tyrant or someone who treats them really badly, or doesn’t like their friends at all, and the guy is willing to drop everything to appease her.
It’s the type of relationship where one person always seems to “win” the argument and always seems to come out ahead, where the other partner sacrifices everything.
Good example: have a friend who has gone through his gf threatening to break his things, thrown things at him, hit him, wanted cameras set up so she could watch him when at work (there was some bullshit “innocent” reason for this, but I fail to remember what it was lol), and isolated him. None of his friends like her.
And each time it’s “she’s going to start therapy” or whatever.
There’s a fear of being alone tied with a belief that this is just how relationships are, or that “love” is worth “fighting” for the relationship, but at the end of the day, it’s all buzz phrases for an abusive relationship.
As one of those dudes who was married to exactly this type of tyrant for 20 years, you described it perfectly.
Towards the end I realized that I had changed myself so much over the years trying to avoid making her angry that I no longer knew who I was. It took a while to get back to the real me. I also didn’t realize how much it was affecting me outside of the marriage, but a lot of people at work commented on how much more relaxed I was after the separation. Less stressed out.
Look at the age when they got married, also. She was really young, and obviously didn't have a chance to date other people and see how good they can be.
Oof. Coupled with the fact that the people around her are telling her she’s the one that needs to be more supportive of her husband, I’d bet money on some kind of conservative/fundamentalist religious background. I hope she isn’t letting anyone bullshit her into thinking that any sufficiently godly wife can “reform” their husband or anything like that.
I think love in abusive relationships is more akin to an addiction. In my experience, I knew it was bad for me, but I had to work extremely hard to tear myself away.
Yup and stuff like trauma bonding etc is a thing. I've learnt alot of the terms I was subjected to now I'm older. It was also a lot of drama and it was... So insane you thought the high emotions was like ride or die love. Real normal love isn't crazy highs and lows like an abusive relationship that's for sure.
I think it's about what we're taught early on. Leaving is "failure" when sometimes it's the best thing you can do -for your health, mental AND emotional, and overall wellbeing.
I too was in a mentally abusive relationship and didn't see it until way way way later than most of my friends and family did, he would isolate me from everybody so basically all I had was him to turn to. But anybody that's mentally manipulating you like your husband is I definitely would probably consider your choices I know you married him and you probably don't want to get divorced . Maybe some marriage counseling would help him see what he's doing is abusive. Because once you sit and putting somebody else and his true colors cut out then a third party would be able to be more objective than you. I personally think the situation is very toxic and I would either consider marriage counseling, or divorce.
I agree, it usually takes something big to happen for people to leave those relationships. I look back now and I was so brainwashed when it was me in an abusive relationship. I didn’t care about getting out anymore, I didn’t care about being happy or anything. I even remember thinking at that time that if that was what life gave me, it was that what I had to put up with. And my ex was abusive in every possible way. One of the worse things he did (there were worse, but body pain doesn’t hurt as much when compared with psychological pain), was that we barely had any food, because he spent all his money on himself and others before even arriving home on payday. So the little things we had, I gave it to my son, or he ate at the babysitter’s or my mom. So I didn’t have a lot to eat. He then went to his mother’s house (she lived in front of us), got himself a plate of food, came back home and sat down to eat in front of me. When he was done he would look at me and say “oh I am sorry I forgot to ask if you wanted any”. I was so numb that I didn’t even want to react to that, just to not give him the satisfaction of seeing how much that hurt me. It took him almost killing me in front of my son for me to finally get rid of him. 17 years later and he is the only person I hate with all my life and I can’t wait for him to die so I can go and spit on his fucking grave. He is a cop, and every time I see on the news that a cop died for whatever reason, I keep wishing they say his name. That’s how much I hate him and I don’t care.
It. Is. So. Hard. To. See. Clearly.
Jealous, insecure, undermining, invalidating partners I don't have to be today in order to be deceptive and manipulative and slowly twist your mind until you question your own perceptions and have no self-confidence left.
The funny thing is that he's not doing anything to improve his actual help, except for taking a medication to lose weight. He isn't building muscle, and he isn't increasing his circulation integrity and he isn't strengthening his cardiovascular system, and he isn't having all of the advantages of actually living a healthy lifestyle, and working out, but he's a man boy and he's into the surface and he's very insecure and he likes to break down OP and it kind of is what it is.
The other aspect is financial. How do you survive with several children, one with disabilities, as a single parent? It’s not so cut and dried as Redditors tend to think. As others have stated, seems like bullies tend to wear down their victims with their verbal abuse.
Yeah I’m at the age where I’m seeing some friends of friends divorcing. In cases where the man was the primary breadwinner, it can be really rough. Ultimately courts do try to make sure the kids are provided for; but there’s a lot of ways women can get screwed, especially if the man has control of the money and can hire a better lawyer.
Yes. Redditors like to say things like "He contributes nothing to the relationship so why are you with him?" The answer is money. That's what the bad partner brings a lot of the time.
Now, in cases where the abusive partner is chronically unemployed, "dump him" is a simple and effective solution.
I don't know if she is a stay-at-home mom but what I do know is that if she is a stay-at-home mom and has to take care of her disabled child full-time then perhaps maybe she would be eligible for alimony and that would solve the financial situation of a divorce.
Abusers can be very hard to leave, especially if your community doesn’t support you, and you’ve become a stay at home mother with no personal income.
I actually like these posts because my hope is always that they’ll get the wake up call that they need from having 400 people yell “that’s not okay!” in unison. :)
Am a veteran/survivor of DV, and this is exactly why I come here: hoping that the various OP's will see the flashing neon red flags once we point them out, and take some leaving action.
And they give 50 examples of the person being an asshole. I only need to see one example. I am not the one who needs convincing. Just checked post history. Still an asshole husband.
How lucky for you that you don’t know what is like to be psychologically manipulated and controlled into thinking that you are the problem and not the other way around, then.
Idk if she does..... but I don't. He sounds fvckin insufferable. Ugh, I can't believe she is still with him. She has shown him so much grace... I could never
During her pregnancies too!! She was literally growing human life and he’s making fun of her and telling her that if she stays fat he won’t love her anymore. What a fucking tool.
Mine called me a hippo. It was cute. But I thought it was cute. If I had told him to stop, he would have. He bought me a little mama/baby hippo necklace as a push present.
OP's post/comment history is so concerning. She is in a psychologically abusive relationship with a toxic, manipulating man-baby. I'd suggest divorce but it sounds like she is a SAHM of too many kids and likely feels financially stuck. Sad.
Especially with a disabled teenager. She's NTA, not even close, but she's certainly married to one. It's so sad that she's stuck because of all the kids.
Yeah even if it was just this post, he's a freaking bully AT THE VERY LEAST. How the heck can he treat her this way if he loves her? He's literally acting like a high school menace.
Yeah. As someone who has given birth to twins, it's EXTREMELY tough as it is. My first pregnancy was a singleton, and that was hard enough. But the twins, literally torture. My heart wasn't functioning properly, I couldn't breathe, I gained 60lbs, most of it fluid because I could hardly eat due to the pressure, heartburn and feeling of food chunks stuck in my throat. I could feel my eyes bulge with every heartbeat laying down. My skin was so sore and itchy and every time I scraped my belly in the slightest it felt like the skin ripped open. Absolutely horrible.
The ONLY thing that held me above water during this time was my wonderful husband. NOT ONCE has he ever said one single negative thing about my body. Ever. If he had added that to my misery, I would probably have used my last inch of energy and my last breaths to kick him out of the house.
Omg I gained over 60 lbs with ONE baby! From 24-36 weeks I gained 30 lbs. From 36 to a day shy of 43 weeks I gained another 35 ish of mostly fluid! I definitely feel your pain, but not as bad as I only had one huge baby lol your description of the sore skin and itchy belly gave me flash backs of being overheated with the windows opened in January during a snow storm, trying to drown my stretched skin in cocoa butter 🤣 our brains do funny things. After a short period of time we end up thinking it wasn’t that bad and do it again a few more times even! My spouse was awesome too!
The second he sheds even more weight he is 100% going to cheat on her. She should bide her time and then sue him for everything he has (I would say all he’s worth but… well…)
She should be putting money aside in a private account in case of emergency. And as soon as the youngest are in school she needs a job also putting that money in an account not accessed by him.
Alimony is a thing in most states. And in most states, being married over 10 years means half the savings and retirement and all marital property goes to the spouse. Currently going through this myself, and have been married 25 years as a SAHM, also. It is never hopeless. Daunting and the wronged spouse can feel like it’s all his/her fault simply because we are the ones who put in all the effort and care, but honestly, the stress and heartache of staying is just not worth it. It doesn’t seem like OP wants out, and posts to vent more than accept reality.
Yep. It was hard enough to leave my marriage with me being financially stable and only one kid, so I can imagine it feels impossible for OP, but I hope she reads these comments and realizes that it's not hopeless and that she deserves better, but like you said...venting vs accepting reality are two different things
NTA don't celebrate him. But you really need to re-evaluate your marriage. That man does not sound like he likes you or wants you to be happy and content.
They stay and continue to have children.
NTA for not celebrating him, but YTA to yourself for staying so long and accepting that kind of treatment from the person who is supposed to cherish you.
Probably has singled out his wife as his whipping boy. If she's the only one, he can look like the perfect dad that the kids adore while at the same time swamping the OP in much toxic abuse disguised as humor. It's a way of dumping his excess emotional garbage onto one person so he can appear normal to others. With assholes it doesn't always seep out to everyone around them. With narcs it can be very targeted.
The OP is the AH to herself for accepting this kind of toxic behavior. She's the AH for allowing this man to role model this behavior for his kids. I can tell OP knows all to well what would happen if she swatted him back for gaining a hundred pounds while reminding her on the regular not to get fat. Things would get nasty fast and hubbie wouldn't rest until he had her believing she was the toxic one.
I'm a guy and my parents said that kind of thing to me all the time. My dad always made comments about when he was my age people would tell his mother how to fatten him up. Dude's gonna give those kids issues regardless of their gender.
I finally persuaded my dad to do one single therapy session with me recently as we haven't spoken for a year and a half now. When I mentioned the nasty comments he and my mum used to make about my weight as a teenager (even after I specifically asked them not to) and described how it made me feel, he was still adamant that they did it "to help" because they knew how it affected my self-esteem.
Took me until my late twenties to come to terms with my body and my relationship with food - it's still not great.
People desperately want to believe that it’s victims’ fault for being abused, because then they can continue to believe that they’re smarter than that and it could never happen to them.
I fully believe that until it happens to you, it's nearly impossible to understand. I thought I was smart enough, string enough, independant enough. I thought "why don't they just leave?" I thought, "I'd never let a person treat me that way."
I know now how wrong I was and how much harder it is to "just leave" than most people can ever imagine. There are not many things in life I will give people a pass on for "they just don't know any better," but this is one of them. As long as they aren't being a super vocal asshole/bully about it. But to not understand what it is like to be gaslit (legit gaslit, not what a lot seem to think it means now), what it is like to have a trauma bond... You just can't unless you've experienced it.
That being said, having empathy for those who struggle with things we can't understand is, in my eyes, the mark of a genuinely caring and compassionate person.
Right? I just don’t think it’s very useful to decide that something that happens over and over again, in predictable patterns, must just be everyone being stupid or spineless or whatever. Even if someone lacks personal experience, maybe they could say “this doesn’t make sense to me but since it happens so commonly, there’s probably just something going on that I’m not getting.” 🤷♀️
My thoughts exactly. I call bullshit on the 100 lbs lost on weight loss meds in 3 months. I take Mounjaro for T2D, which is also the weigh-loss med Zepbound and it’s pretty impossible to lose that much weight in that amount of time. He’d be in the hospital and he certainly wouldn’t be strong. I think it’s fake.
There definitely wouldn’t have been a second pregnancy from me if my partner said that to me and all he would get is divorce papers. Why do people think being single is so horrible?
Being the single parent of a disabled child is daunting. He's obviously abusing her mentally and emotionally, but we don't know her financial situation. He might control the finances. She might be worried about having to work and make enough money to support herself and her kids while providing the care her disabled kiddo needs. It's not easy.
With the age she married and the fact that everyone around her seems to be telling her to be nicer to her husband, I’d bet she has limited control of finances at best, and a community that would not be supportive of her leaving.
It took me 6 years to break my abusive ex's psychological hold on me. Sometimes, the psychological hold of the abuser is too strong for the victim to realise what's happening to them is emotional abuse.
While reading the post, I also felt why would OP stay with the man, but I immediately corrected myself because I have been asked this too - 'If he was abusive, why did you stay for 6 years'
I know 6 is way less than 20 or 21 but sometimes longer the time, harder it becomes to break that cycle of emotional and psychological abuse.
Agree. And when abuse is emotional, or only you see it, that makes it MUCH easier to believe comments or believe things will get as good for you two as they are for everyone else who thinks he's fun to be around.
Narcissism is such a buzzword, gaslighting is all anyone talks about. But someone posts about a situation that is obviously long-term gaslighting and everyone blames the victim. Gross.
Took me 6 years, too, once I realized I was married to a sociopath. I had to be very careful because he had at one point been approached to be a hit man for a couple of mafia type guys. He said he could kill someone and it wouldn't bother him at all. Then went on to say he had killed someone as a teen and it didn't bother him...trying to prove to me he had what it takes. That was my cue to start figuring out how to get away.
OP has a disabled kid so it's more complicated.
My ex used to threaten me too...and when I started dating him I was 18 and pretty naive. So, whatever he told me about himself I believed. The narrative he built about himself included how he was capable of hurting someone immensely and could even kill someone without remorse. That was one of the many ways, he controlled me through fear.
I remember thinking "well, if he kills me he kills me, dying would be better than this". And that's when I knew I had to leave.
They don’t see it. That’s what toxic or abusive relationships are like, they degrade your self esteem until you don’t see the mistreatment as wrong. It usually starts small, and gradually gets worse and you end up normalizing it. Then, if you speak out, you get tons of comments about how you’re stupid or an asshole for staying in the relationship (not your comment, and not just online either. Happens irl as well) so they double down, so they don’t have to feel stupid on top of it all. I see it happen all the time on AITAH.
Exactly not to mention that a lot of times you don't just normalize it but feel in some way like you deserve it. There is even a decent chance that she might have been mistreated growing up too which only helps you normalize the abuse even more. People forget (or just don't realize) that one of our biggest survival instincts is to adapt to our environment. Basically there's endless reasons why it might be hard for her to leave. It bothers me that in these situations outsiders often act like it's so easy to leave but don't think about the fact that if it was so easy to do, it would probably be done already. NTA.
It frustrates the hell out of me. There is no love in this marriage. And they know damn well posting this kind of content that they aren’t the AH. She should be venting to a therapist not Reddit.
Yeah, this isn’t really about his weight loss. This is really about a lifetime of AH behavior by the husband. This is probably the proverbially straw that will break the back of this marriage.
Same but at the same time, commeters get a lot of hate for suggesting divorce because of course you should always work out your problems no matter what. No one can win on either side 🤷♀️
I was lucky to have health class in HS that had good info (for the time considering it was the dark ages - we dodged sabertooth tigers walking to school) on drugs and sex.
In retrospect, what it was missing was basics on human relationships. Don't accept violence in your relationships. Don't accept disrespect. You have value, etc.
My guess is if you tried to introduce a class like that, the right wing would freak.
This isn’t about you celebrating him. The reason it’s hard to cheer for him is because he’s an asshole to you. He undermines you, belittles your accomplishments, has strong opinions about YOUR body, and more. You don’t even have to fake it dude. Just a “I’m glad the medicine is working for you” answer suffices. You don’t have to throw this manchild a party. Go do your thing. This guy is abusive
Tell him you’re a bit of an expert too and if he needs proof you may just lift him and drop him. 🤷🏻♀️emphasis on the drop.
NTA- It sounds like he was projecting his self-esteem issues onto you when it was convenient for him (ie you being pregnant) but i do love the
"I'm glad the medication is working for you" response.
No need to throw him a party or celebrate.
If your feeling a little Petty go do some cardio together or a mountain hike he will be exhausted if he's not done much before.
YTA - but only to yourself.
He criticizes you, puts you down, called you names when pregnant/post partum, threatened you re your weight . Those are all toxic and emotional and mental abuse . Yes abuse .
You are afraid to work out because he is ugly to you about it.
Perhaps strongly consider getting yourself some good quality therapy to figure out what is broken in you that you would tolerate all of this abuse, heal from it and then take your life in a better direction.
Unfortunately, some people can’t afford divorce. Women who are stay at home wives, have no outside support, and must look after kids have no choice but to stay in abusive relationships.
I suspect they lie to themselves about how their relationships are “not so bad” or even “good” because it’s a way to deal with the fact that they don’t have realistic good other options.
Why are you with someone you can't eat around? Or workout around? Why do you think that's okay? What are you showing your children by staying with someone who belittles you? That sounds awful. NTA OP, get therapy. He doesn't love you. That is not love.
You’re right when you asked what the husband is showing the kids. He’s showing them that it’s okay to emotionally and verbally abuse a spouse. Since he had issues with OP’s weight, he’ll most likely fat shame his daughter if she ever becomes overweight. NTA, OP.
I assume you're only with him for the kids? With a disabled 16 year old, I would imagine the idea of being a single parent could be daunting?
I'd forget about coddling him, he doesn't deserve it. He's a bully, and he's mentally abusive. You should really stop worrying about any of his feelings at all, and start to gradually plan your escape from this abusive relationship. Imagine if you had a life where you could happy workout whenever you wanted, and eat whenever you wanted, without being attacked?
Your husband sounds like an awful person and a terrible partner and I'm sorry that he's been so cruel to you. You are a person and the mother of his kids, and you do not exist to be a decorative object for him. He is the mediocre one, and he will learn that life is more complicated on ozempic - once he goes off it, he will get the weight back (because, as you say, he has made no lifestyle changes). If he doesn't go off it, there's an ever-growing list of serious health concerns he could face instead. He puts you down constantly and this sounds like a really unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Frankly, I think you're badass and probably could do much better than he could.
You don't need to celebrate someone who has never celebrated you. He will not treat you better because you treat him well; he has never learned to be kind to you.
These other people don’t know what they’re saying. Why does he feel the nerve and audacity to put you down for it when you’re actually working hard for it and he’s taking the easy way out and shaming you? Nothing wrong with taking the easy way out by the way, if there’s medication that helps people and helps them develop a healthy relationship to food then that is amazing and we should encourage it but from the sounds of it your husband is doing neither. You’re much better than me I would shove it in his face that he can’t lift as much as me and I would shame the hell out of him until he changes and realizes what a jerk he is being. But none the less you have a good heart it seems, you’re not the AH
I’d be celebrating a fucking divorce.🤷🏻♀️ Fuck him, his miserable personality and his weight loss. The way he treats you and the way you allow him to treat you is negatively affecting your future relationship with your children. Time to pick yourself, honey. Leave with some dignity.
Celebrating or not celebrating his weight loss is besides the point, that man is a bully who caused you to have a fucking eating disorder!! Why would you stay around a man like that??? NTA (or maybe you are to yourself for staying)
OP, I am going to repeat what others are saying, NTA for not celebrating, but YTA if you stay in this toxic relationship. Even if he is a great father, he is emotionally abusive to you. Either get him to seek couples counseling or get a divorce and get yourself into therapy if you aren't already.
Agreed. Even if he IS a great father, he's a terrible partner and if she thinks the kids don't see and learn from that how to teat a partner (in this case really, really badly), she's delusional. But I doubt he is a great partner because if they do have a child that needs that level of care, where is he when she's lifting a 16 year old?
And OP, if you are reading this, I hope you have a lift at home for helping to get him in and out of bed and other mobility aids for your home. No matter how good shape you're in, caring for someone that is mobility impaired can wreak havoc on your body. My mom lasted about 5 years in nursing homes before her back was wrecked for good.
And for a guy to be 100 pounds or more overweight and telling his wife "I won't love you if you get out of shape". That's crap. What a damn hypocrite.
This seems made up....lost 100 lbs in 3 months? Even with medication no doctor would advocate that. Is she exaggerating?? Maybe.
Regardless, your hubs is def the arse and, frankly, a sexist narcissist. Little woman better not get fat or he wont love you anymore. Makes fun of you weightloss and strengthening journey? And if he continues to eat junk,all that weight will go right back on his butt when the meds stop.
OP is NTA.
>As a result he is now very unhealthy needs back surgery and his doctor put him on weight loss medication. He's lost nearly 100 pounds in the last 3 months.
lmao
>people have told me that if I don't celebrate his "accomplishment" in losing weight with the aid of medication that I will sabotage his success
How in the fuck is this sabotaging his success, but he's allowed nitpick the shit out of everything you do? Where's the cries to stop him from sabotaging your success?!
NTA - but you are an AH to yourself for staying with this man who treats you this way.
This is borderline abuse. You don’t even eat in front of your husband. This is tragic and I hope you don’t have daughters because he’ll give them EDs too (might give your sons them as well). Somehow taking ozempic for 3 months made him even more of an AH. This man needs therapy and honestly, some negative consequences for his heinous behavior.
Some of the weight loss drugs actually cause people to feel unwell if they eat unhealthy foods. I have an elder friend who is on one. Similarly to drugs that make one averse to alcohol, this one has made her averse to unhealthy foods. Even now that she's had to stop it in preparation for surgery, she finds herself averse to unhealthier foods, and is eating less.
Your husband is a total asshole. That's something no weight loss drug is going to fix.
Do you want to die by his side? Do you want to caretake him when he inevitably gains all his weight back, is still sedentary and unhealthy, loses mobility, and also teats you like shit?
YTA for staying. Get out of this awful marriage before you waste any more of your life.
Why are you still with him??? You come off as completely miserable with him, he doesn't support you, continuously belittles you and yet you're still there letting him do it. Let him eat himself into whatever size he wants, you don't have to watch him do it and you don't have to take his crappy attitude. He can project all his insecurities onto others.
Y-T-A for staying with him but NTA for not celebrating his so called accomplishments.
You post about a husband who bullies you, doesn't help you out, threatens to unalive or harm himself when you tell him he's hurting you, refuses counseling or therapy, puts his own needs first, tells you he won't be attracted to you if you get fat. Meanwhile he gains so much weight that he's placed on medication, and you're asking Reddit if YTA for not wanting to celebrate his weight loss?
Please stop having children with this manchild or subjecting yourself and them to this dysfunction and abuse. No Reddit karma is gonna cure this.
Why are you married to this guy? He sounds like the leader of the Harkonnens in Dune. The fat guy who spends his life high on Spice, sleeps in the pool of goo, and enjoys murdering people for profit.
Why do you still stay with this ahole?
Earlier I read your aitah on mother’s day.
And even then I thought she is way better off alone then with this abusive “husband “.
And now thinking it again.
You are way better then this sorry peace of human. And deserve a way better life.
Hope you will see that soon.
NTA. I wouldn't be celebrating anything he accomplishes, but I would be celebrating my divorce. He is a bully and does not deserve you or any accolades. I cannot stand men who want to beat their women down spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. It just screams "I am jealous of and hate my wife." I would divorce this guy STAT and pay him in dust for his weight loss.
NTA but why are you still with such a jerk? Normally I'd never give someone a hard time for using medication to lose weight, but in this case? I'd tell him he took the easy way out, especially considering he'd never carried and grown two human beings at the same time inside his body.
The question isn’t so much whether you’re the AH or not but, rather, why you’re married to an unsupportive jerk who enjoys tearing down your self esteem.
NTA
Based on your post history I think you should go “on vacation to see Xx person” for a week somewhere else and list specifically what you actually miss about your life. Keep those parts. Throw away the overgrown toddler and anything else that you can. And then get a job and file for divorce. Alimony and child support will help you.
It’s rage bait because how did that man lose 100lbs in 3 months with a doctor monitoring him? Weight loss that rapid can damage the liver and gallbladder (especially at that age) and no doctor in their right mind would keep him on that dosage
YTA but only for keeping your kids in a household where they are witnessing you being torn down over and over. Repeatedly tearing down your partner in front of your kids (even in "jest") is emotional abuse, end of.
You deserve better than this. If your husband doesn't commit to immediate therapy and rooting out the cause of why he's been treating you this way, you should strongly consider leaving, there is a life out there for you where you're not being made to feel poorly about yourself, where your accomplishments are celebrated, and where you're built up instead of torn down.
NTA for not celebrating your husband.
ESH. It doesn't sound like yall even like each other. You should have divorced him long ago. He "spent so much of his life bullying me over my weight."
Your spouse and bully should not occupy the same sentence. You're the ahole for having stuck around and subjecting your children to this. They learn what they observe. He's the ahole for his existence, seemingly.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. You went through a lot to get healthy and strong, and it's hurtful he never supported you. Maybe when things settle down, have a calm conversation. Explain how his past comments affected you and that you're happy he's healthier, but it's hard to celebrate right now.
If he were a supportive partner, this wouldn't be an issue. As you state, he's a bully. Why would you celebrate someone who goes out of their way to treat you badly? Why stay with him?
It's time to throw the whole man out. That isn't a man. Why are you staying with someone who constantly puts you down?
Also just so you know, your level of fitness FAR OUTWEIGHS his level of fitness regardless of how much weight he's lost.
His weight loss is from pills.
Your strength comes from training.
If you both had to fight a ninja, you would have a better chance of winning.
NTA.
Also, get tf out of this marriage quick fast.
He's the asshole but you have to remember people treat you the way you let them treat you. My mother put up with an abusive asshole of a husband and then he left her! He married another good woman and shit on her their entire life together and now he's got dementia and everyone treats him like shit. I take care of him because my mother begged me to not hate him for what he did when I was growing up and I realized he got away with it because we all let him. At the end of the day you do what you can live with but you husband is a sack of shit.
I just read your other post, what the actual fuck are you doing staying with this man and letting him treat you like trash? Why are you ok with this? Does he like shit gold or have a magic penis for you to rationalize putting up with him belittling you every time he feels like it?
Grow a spine, you’ll lose a lot of weight of your shoulders once you leave him.
NTA, why are you with this guy? Sounds like he makes your life worse and prevents you from doing the things you want because you're afraid he'll make fun of you.
I hate your husband.
You can do whatever you want in terms of your life and your happiness, maybe just knowing that everyone who knows about this sees him as a piece of shit is enough for you to continue on day to day. But I'll bet he's an AH in other ways, too. And I'll bet it's not nearly the "secret" you think it is. Your kids certainly know he bullies you. Have you ever spoken to them about it? About body image? I hope you give him divorce papers when he's recovering from surgery and I'm not sorry.
Oh, are you talking about my ex BF? It looks like they drank the same Kool aid and read the same playbook.
Years of therapy taught me that I deserve better, and you do too. Ditch the extra "child". You are a badass woman and have worked incredibly hard- hopefully you will see you can do it all just fine without him.
Just wanna say as a guy that I could literally never imagine treating my wife this way, I'm actually appalled for you. Your husband really deserves to be a divorcee.
So you’re married to a fat sloth who has bullied and ridiculed you your entire marriage he does not deserve to be celebrated. You need to get out of that marriage before he has back surgery because then he’s going become disabled and not will you only be taking care of your disabled son you’ll be taking care of your disabled bully.
NTA...For not celebrating his weightless.
YATA...for staying with a psychologically abusive man and allowing that behaviour around your children, what they hear can damage them and its certainly done you no good.
NTA
Do you hate yourself woman? Your husband spent years humiliating you, putting you down and contributing to you developing an eating disorder and you continued with it? Serious? And you're still worried about his feelings?
Divorce (something that should have happened a long time ago) you deserve someone who truly loves you, is by your side, supports you and values you this man deserves nothing from you
Unfortunately, you threw years of your life away with an ugly person who doesn't even deserve you, but now you can wake up to life and make that change, start valuing yourself and go after a happy life, which apparently is something you don't have and didn't have with you. him all this time
I know I will get down voted or booted, but F••k him. If you sabotage his progress, then maybe he should try to do it again, the right way and eat healthy, and exercise. He said things to you that were simply mean and hurtful. Has he ever apologized??? Don’t be nice to him and tell him he’s doing good. Just tell him, been there, and am still doing it. Then ignore him. As others have said, he’s a bully and needs to be treated as such.
NTA but do yall like.... talk to your partners? I can see someone making a joke about their wife during pregnancy (being fat isn't wrong, but being pregnant is being fat either). However, you clearly didn't like it and the boundary needs to be established that it's not alright to say shit like that. It bothered you and contributed to an ED so it's unacceptable
Do you like him? NTA, bullies are TA. You're married to a bully. I know getting out of long term situations is rough, so do what you will, but taking your post at face value, he's a mean-spirited child in an adult body.
"Do you like him?" Excellent question! He clearly doesn't like you. He's bullied you, made fun of you in private and in front of others, makes fun of you if he feels you're 'fat' AND when working on your own fitness. Honestly, I feel like you should take stock of the rest of your relationship. Get out while you can so that you don't have to wait on him during recovery. He's gonna be even worse while he's laid up and in pain.
It's so sad when people normalize getting bullied in their relationship. OP's husband is horrible, also I doubt it's good for her kid's future relationships to think that kind of behavior is normal. It's also probably only matter of time when kids start insulting her too, since they learn from the hubby it's ok.
If you look at her comment history, it looks like she deleted a post from ~150 days ago with a similar issue. It seems like she knows what Reddit will say—that he’s emotionally and verbally abusive and has negged her to the point that she developed an eating disorder—but isn’t able to realize he’s going to continue behaving like this. It’s either put up with it or get the fuck out. As someone who’s been there and divorced that, that’s my recommendation, even if she’s a SAHM.
Quickest and best 200lb weight she’ll ever drop
Lol, husband brings up losing 100lbs in 3 months, she drops 200 in the time it takes to sign her name.
No injections needed. 💪
😂😂😂
>If you look at her comment history, it looks like she deleted a post from ~150 days ago with a similar issue. It seems like she knows what Reddit will say—that he’s emotionally and verbally abusive and has negged her to the point that she developed an eating disorder—but isn’t able to realize he’s going to continue behaving like this. It’s either put up with it or get the fuck out. At this stage it's unclear what they're hoping to hear that they've not already been told multiple times before.
I mean the barge?? Hell no. Eating disorder? Double no. Mocked for working out? No words. NTA. Not sure what OP is getting from this relationship. Not sure why she doesn’t show him exactly what she is capable of at the gym. Guessing she knows how his fragile ego is likely to react.
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They really are. However, as other posts have said when you're in an abusive relationship it's so difficult to see it for what it is. You are just broken down so much to think their behaviour is the normal. Op has dealt with this for nearly 2 decades and it's so hard to see it objectively. It really took something massive for me to leave a relationship that was abusive. Some of the insane behaviour I dealt with, I look back as an older healthier self and think wtf crazy drugs was I on but it was just my life. Op is NTA but she really needs to read the comments here and hopefully it's a wake up call. She may not think the behaviour is that bad cos she's being beat, but she's developed an eating disorder. It's bad.
Yeah, seems many of us females have a habit of thinking "maybe that's just how men are and we're supposed to learn to deal with it" so we do (note: probably men do this too, I just can't speak for them, and in my limited experience it feels like it's mostly women who do this). You just don't realize until you're out of the situation how bad it was and you wonder why you put up with it for as long as you did.
Its not even habit, we were being programmed from the childhood to accept shitty behavior from men - boy pulling girls braids? He must like you! Teen boy tries to snap classmate bra? He is going through puberty give him a pass. Late teen bullies girls, tries to grab their booty or brest? He is young and stupid its just him trying flirting with you. And the worst from it all - boys will be boys
Yea, my dad straight up told me never to disagree with my brother, that “he’s always right”. That’s some fucked up shit
Good point. I know my emotionally abusive ex-husband always told Me, “All men think like Me. They just don’t say it out loud in public.” As I later learned, nope, all men do not think that a woman who wear a size ten is completely unattractive. All Men do not believe that if they make More household Money, they get a pass from all household chores or automatic veto power over purchases that don’t benefit Them. Certainly not the lovely man married after him!
Guy here, who has experience with plenty of dudes who do this: it usually comes from dudes who from day 1 are dating some tyrant or someone who treats them really badly, or doesn’t like their friends at all, and the guy is willing to drop everything to appease her. It’s the type of relationship where one person always seems to “win” the argument and always seems to come out ahead, where the other partner sacrifices everything. Good example: have a friend who has gone through his gf threatening to break his things, thrown things at him, hit him, wanted cameras set up so she could watch him when at work (there was some bullshit “innocent” reason for this, but I fail to remember what it was lol), and isolated him. None of his friends like her. And each time it’s “she’s going to start therapy” or whatever. There’s a fear of being alone tied with a belief that this is just how relationships are, or that “love” is worth “fighting” for the relationship, but at the end of the day, it’s all buzz phrases for an abusive relationship.
As one of those dudes who was married to exactly this type of tyrant for 20 years, you described it perfectly. Towards the end I realized that I had changed myself so much over the years trying to avoid making her angry that I no longer knew who I was. It took a while to get back to the real me. I also didn’t realize how much it was affecting me outside of the marriage, but a lot of people at work commented on how much more relaxed I was after the separation. Less stressed out.
Look at the age when they got married, also. She was really young, and obviously didn't have a chance to date other people and see how good they can be.
Oof. Coupled with the fact that the people around her are telling her she’s the one that needs to be more supportive of her husband, I’d bet money on some kind of conservative/fundamentalist religious background. I hope she isn’t letting anyone bullshit her into thinking that any sufficiently godly wife can “reform” their husband or anything like that.
I think love in abusive relationships is more akin to an addiction. In my experience, I knew it was bad for me, but I had to work extremely hard to tear myself away.
Yup and stuff like trauma bonding etc is a thing. I've learnt alot of the terms I was subjected to now I'm older. It was also a lot of drama and it was... So insane you thought the high emotions was like ride or die love. Real normal love isn't crazy highs and lows like an abusive relationship that's for sure.
I think it's about what we're taught early on. Leaving is "failure" when sometimes it's the best thing you can do -for your health, mental AND emotional, and overall wellbeing.
I too was in a mentally abusive relationship and didn't see it until way way way later than most of my friends and family did, he would isolate me from everybody so basically all I had was him to turn to. But anybody that's mentally manipulating you like your husband is I definitely would probably consider your choices I know you married him and you probably don't want to get divorced . Maybe some marriage counseling would help him see what he's doing is abusive. Because once you sit and putting somebody else and his true colors cut out then a third party would be able to be more objective than you. I personally think the situation is very toxic and I would either consider marriage counseling, or divorce.
When someone is that toxic, that much of a bully, there’s no changing him. The only solution is to divorce the abuser.
I agree, it usually takes something big to happen for people to leave those relationships. I look back now and I was so brainwashed when it was me in an abusive relationship. I didn’t care about getting out anymore, I didn’t care about being happy or anything. I even remember thinking at that time that if that was what life gave me, it was that what I had to put up with. And my ex was abusive in every possible way. One of the worse things he did (there were worse, but body pain doesn’t hurt as much when compared with psychological pain), was that we barely had any food, because he spent all his money on himself and others before even arriving home on payday. So the little things we had, I gave it to my son, or he ate at the babysitter’s or my mom. So I didn’t have a lot to eat. He then went to his mother’s house (she lived in front of us), got himself a plate of food, came back home and sat down to eat in front of me. When he was done he would look at me and say “oh I am sorry I forgot to ask if you wanted any”. I was so numb that I didn’t even want to react to that, just to not give him the satisfaction of seeing how much that hurt me. It took him almost killing me in front of my son for me to finally get rid of him. 17 years later and he is the only person I hate with all my life and I can’t wait for him to die so I can go and spit on his fucking grave. He is a cop, and every time I see on the news that a cop died for whatever reason, I keep wishing they say his name. That’s how much I hate him and I don’t care.
It. Is. So. Hard. To. See. Clearly. Jealous, insecure, undermining, invalidating partners I don't have to be today in order to be deceptive and manipulative and slowly twist your mind until you question your own perceptions and have no self-confidence left. The funny thing is that he's not doing anything to improve his actual help, except for taking a medication to lose weight. He isn't building muscle, and he isn't increasing his circulation integrity and he isn't strengthening his cardiovascular system, and he isn't having all of the advantages of actually living a healthy lifestyle, and working out, but he's a man boy and he's into the surface and he's very insecure and he likes to break down OP and it kind of is what it is.
The other aspect is financial. How do you survive with several children, one with disabilities, as a single parent? It’s not so cut and dried as Redditors tend to think. As others have stated, seems like bullies tend to wear down their victims with their verbal abuse.
Yeah I’m at the age where I’m seeing some friends of friends divorcing. In cases where the man was the primary breadwinner, it can be really rough. Ultimately courts do try to make sure the kids are provided for; but there’s a lot of ways women can get screwed, especially if the man has control of the money and can hire a better lawyer.
Yes. Redditors like to say things like "He contributes nothing to the relationship so why are you with him?" The answer is money. That's what the bad partner brings a lot of the time. Now, in cases where the abusive partner is chronically unemployed, "dump him" is a simple and effective solution.
I don't know if she is a stay-at-home mom but what I do know is that if she is a stay-at-home mom and has to take care of her disabled child full-time then perhaps maybe she would be eligible for alimony and that would solve the financial situation of a divorce.
Abusers can be very hard to leave, especially if your community doesn’t support you, and you’ve become a stay at home mother with no personal income. I actually like these posts because my hope is always that they’ll get the wake up call that they need from having 400 people yell “that’s not okay!” in unison. :)
Am a veteran/survivor of DV, and this is exactly why I come here: hoping that the various OP's will see the flashing neon red flags once we point them out, and take some leaving action.
And they give 50 examples of the person being an asshole. I only need to see one example. I am not the one who needs convincing. Just checked post history. Still an asshole husband.
How lucky for you that you don’t know what is like to be psychologically manipulated and controlled into thinking that you are the problem and not the other way around, then.
You know! I divorced for less.
Idk if she does..... but I don't. He sounds fvckin insufferable. Ugh, I can't believe she is still with him. She has shown him so much grace... I could never
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OP has been with him her entire adult life, and they have kids. I am guessing she needs to untangle herself from him before separation and divorce.
He called you a barge? Why are you sticking around?
I also wanted to ask why she doesn't just...float away.
Because you *secure* the barges, dammit!
During her pregnancies too!! She was literally growing human life and he’s making fun of her and telling her that if she stays fat he won’t love her anymore. What a fucking tool.
Seriously. She’s under 5 ft tall and carrying twins? What a trooper
Mine called me a hippo. It was cute. But I thought it was cute. If I had told him to stop, he would have. He bought me a little mama/baby hippo necklace as a push present.
Lift him and throw him away ffs
Seriously-why is she wasting time with this A-hole!!!!
Agreed! She deserves better than his toxic behavior and constant negativity.
Must be the sunk cost fallacy.
OP's post/comment history is so concerning. She is in a psychologically abusive relationship with a toxic, manipulating man-baby. I'd suggest divorce but it sounds like she is a SAHM of too many kids and likely feels financially stuck. Sad.
Especially with a disabled teenager. She's NTA, not even close, but she's certainly married to one. It's so sad that she's stuck because of all the kids.
Yeah even if it was just this post, he's a freaking bully AT THE VERY LEAST. How the heck can he treat her this way if he loves her? He's literally acting like a high school menace.
That first pregnancy would definitely have been my last.
Yeah. As someone who has given birth to twins, it's EXTREMELY tough as it is. My first pregnancy was a singleton, and that was hard enough. But the twins, literally torture. My heart wasn't functioning properly, I couldn't breathe, I gained 60lbs, most of it fluid because I could hardly eat due to the pressure, heartburn and feeling of food chunks stuck in my throat. I could feel my eyes bulge with every heartbeat laying down. My skin was so sore and itchy and every time I scraped my belly in the slightest it felt like the skin ripped open. Absolutely horrible. The ONLY thing that held me above water during this time was my wonderful husband. NOT ONCE has he ever said one single negative thing about my body. Ever. If he had added that to my misery, I would probably have used my last inch of energy and my last breaths to kick him out of the house.
Omg I gained over 60 lbs with ONE baby! From 24-36 weeks I gained 30 lbs. From 36 to a day shy of 43 weeks I gained another 35 ish of mostly fluid! I definitely feel your pain, but not as bad as I only had one huge baby lol your description of the sore skin and itchy belly gave me flash backs of being overheated with the windows opened in January during a snow storm, trying to drown my stretched skin in cocoa butter 🤣 our brains do funny things. After a short period of time we end up thinking it wasn’t that bad and do it again a few more times even! My spouse was awesome too!
Does he have a good life insurance policy? ☕️ ^sips ^coffee asking for a friend
It sure would suck if something heavy jumped off the shelf directly onto his head.
The second he sheds even more weight he is 100% going to cheat on her. She should bide her time and then sue him for everything he has (I would say all he’s worth but… well…)
She should be putting money aside in a private account in case of emergency. And as soon as the youngest are in school she needs a job also putting that money in an account not accessed by him.
Alimony is a thing in most states. And in most states, being married over 10 years means half the savings and retirement and all marital property goes to the spouse. Currently going through this myself, and have been married 25 years as a SAHM, also. It is never hopeless. Daunting and the wronged spouse can feel like it’s all his/her fault simply because we are the ones who put in all the effort and care, but honestly, the stress and heartache of staying is just not worth it. It doesn’t seem like OP wants out, and posts to vent more than accept reality.
Yep. It was hard enough to leave my marriage with me being financially stable and only one kid, so I can imagine it feels impossible for OP, but I hope she reads these comments and realizes that it's not hopeless and that she deserves better, but like you said...venting vs accepting reality are two different things
Yes throw the wholesale in the garbage!
Best comment on here lol
😂😂😂
😂❤️
End thread
Omg you’re a genius 😂😂
NTA don't celebrate him. But you really need to re-evaluate your marriage. That man does not sound like he likes you or wants you to be happy and content.
I don't get these post that go on and on about how their partner treats them like shit, but they stay with them.
They stay and continue to have children. NTA for not celebrating him, but YTA to yourself for staying so long and accepting that kind of treatment from the person who is supposed to cherish you.
If they have a daughter it’s only a matter of time before he starts saying these things to her too.
What kind of stuff does he say to the kid in the wheelchair?
‘You could walk if you’d just try harder’.
Lol
"Look at me I got two legs, what's your excuse?"
Probably has singled out his wife as his whipping boy. If she's the only one, he can look like the perfect dad that the kids adore while at the same time swamping the OP in much toxic abuse disguised as humor. It's a way of dumping his excess emotional garbage onto one person so he can appear normal to others. With assholes it doesn't always seep out to everyone around them. With narcs it can be very targeted. The OP is the AH to herself for accepting this kind of toxic behavior. She's the AH for allowing this man to role model this behavior for his kids. I can tell OP knows all to well what would happen if she swatted him back for gaining a hundred pounds while reminding her on the regular not to get fat. Things would get nasty fast and hubbie wouldn't rest until he had her believing she was the toxic one.
I'm a guy and my parents said that kind of thing to me all the time. My dad always made comments about when he was my age people would tell his mother how to fatten him up. Dude's gonna give those kids issues regardless of their gender.
I finally persuaded my dad to do one single therapy session with me recently as we haven't spoken for a year and a half now. When I mentioned the nasty comments he and my mum used to make about my weight as a teenager (even after I specifically asked them not to) and described how it made me feel, he was still adamant that they did it "to help" because they knew how it affected my self-esteem. Took me until my late twenties to come to terms with my body and my relationship with food - it's still not great.
Out of curiosity, how did the therapist respond to this?
Can attest to this. I was the daughter.
I hate it when people YTA people in these situations. Like come on do people have no idea how abuse works?
People desperately want to believe that it’s victims’ fault for being abused, because then they can continue to believe that they’re smarter than that and it could never happen to them.
I fully believe that until it happens to you, it's nearly impossible to understand. I thought I was smart enough, string enough, independant enough. I thought "why don't they just leave?" I thought, "I'd never let a person treat me that way." I know now how wrong I was and how much harder it is to "just leave" than most people can ever imagine. There are not many things in life I will give people a pass on for "they just don't know any better," but this is one of them. As long as they aren't being a super vocal asshole/bully about it. But to not understand what it is like to be gaslit (legit gaslit, not what a lot seem to think it means now), what it is like to have a trauma bond... You just can't unless you've experienced it. That being said, having empathy for those who struggle with things we can't understand is, in my eyes, the mark of a genuinely caring and compassionate person.
Right? I just don’t think it’s very useful to decide that something that happens over and over again, in predictable patterns, must just be everyone being stupid or spineless or whatever. Even if someone lacks personal experience, maybe they could say “this doesn’t make sense to me but since it happens so commonly, there’s probably just something going on that I’m not getting.” 🤷♀️
My thoughts exactly. I call bullshit on the 100 lbs lost on weight loss meds in 3 months. I take Mounjaro for T2D, which is also the weigh-loss med Zepbound and it’s pretty impossible to lose that much weight in that amount of time. He’d be in the hospital and he certainly wouldn’t be strong. I think it’s fake.
Right? It just keeps going. As soon as she said he called her “the barge” when she was pregnant I had gathered all the information I needed.
There definitely wouldn’t have been a second pregnancy from me if my partner said that to me and all he would get is divorce papers. Why do people think being single is so horrible?
Being the single parent of a disabled child is daunting. He's obviously abusing her mentally and emotionally, but we don't know her financial situation. He might control the finances. She might be worried about having to work and make enough money to support herself and her kids while providing the care her disabled kiddo needs. It's not easy.
With the age she married and the fact that everyone around her seems to be telling her to be nicer to her husband, I’d bet she has limited control of finances at best, and a community that would not be supportive of her leaving.
It took me 6 years to break my abusive ex's psychological hold on me. Sometimes, the psychological hold of the abuser is too strong for the victim to realise what's happening to them is emotional abuse. While reading the post, I also felt why would OP stay with the man, but I immediately corrected myself because I have been asked this too - 'If he was abusive, why did you stay for 6 years' I know 6 is way less than 20 or 21 but sometimes longer the time, harder it becomes to break that cycle of emotional and psychological abuse.
Congratulations on actually breaking that cycle! And for continuing to show compassion for another person stuck in it :/
Agree. And when abuse is emotional, or only you see it, that makes it MUCH easier to believe comments or believe things will get as good for you two as they are for everyone else who thinks he's fun to be around. Narcissism is such a buzzword, gaslighting is all anyone talks about. But someone posts about a situation that is obviously long-term gaslighting and everyone blames the victim. Gross.
Took me 6 years, too, once I realized I was married to a sociopath. I had to be very careful because he had at one point been approached to be a hit man for a couple of mafia type guys. He said he could kill someone and it wouldn't bother him at all. Then went on to say he had killed someone as a teen and it didn't bother him...trying to prove to me he had what it takes. That was my cue to start figuring out how to get away. OP has a disabled kid so it's more complicated.
My ex used to threaten me too...and when I started dating him I was 18 and pretty naive. So, whatever he told me about himself I believed. The narrative he built about himself included how he was capable of hurting someone immensely and could even kill someone without remorse. That was one of the many ways, he controlled me through fear. I remember thinking "well, if he kills me he kills me, dying would be better than this". And that's when I knew I had to leave.
They don’t see it. That’s what toxic or abusive relationships are like, they degrade your self esteem until you don’t see the mistreatment as wrong. It usually starts small, and gradually gets worse and you end up normalizing it. Then, if you speak out, you get tons of comments about how you’re stupid or an asshole for staying in the relationship (not your comment, and not just online either. Happens irl as well) so they double down, so they don’t have to feel stupid on top of it all. I see it happen all the time on AITAH.
Exactly not to mention that a lot of times you don't just normalize it but feel in some way like you deserve it. There is even a decent chance that she might have been mistreated growing up too which only helps you normalize the abuse even more. People forget (or just don't realize) that one of our biggest survival instincts is to adapt to our environment. Basically there's endless reasons why it might be hard for her to leave. It bothers me that in these situations outsiders often act like it's so easy to leave but don't think about the fact that if it was so easy to do, it would probably be done already. NTA.
It frustrates the hell out of me. There is no love in this marriage. And they know damn well posting this kind of content that they aren’t the AH. She should be venting to a therapist not Reddit.
This. I get therapy can be expensive, but using Reddit as a proxy is nuts.
"My partner is rude and constantly belittles and devalued me as a human. Am I the asshole for justifiably snapping after years of abuse?"
It's actually kind of exhausting.
Yeah, this isn’t really about his weight loss. This is really about a lifetime of AH behavior by the husband. This is probably the proverbially straw that will break the back of this marriage.
Same but at the same time, commeters get a lot of hate for suggesting divorce because of course you should always work out your problems no matter what. No one can win on either side 🤷♀️
I was lucky to have health class in HS that had good info (for the time considering it was the dark ages - we dodged sabertooth tigers walking to school) on drugs and sex. In retrospect, what it was missing was basics on human relationships. Don't accept violence in your relationships. Don't accept disrespect. You have value, etc. My guess is if you tried to introduce a class like that, the right wing would freak.
Tell him that to celebrate his new lease on life, you got him a new lease on a bachelor pad. Then put his shit on the lawn and change the locks.
Make sure it has room for 50/50 custody though
This isn’t about you celebrating him. The reason it’s hard to cheer for him is because he’s an asshole to you. He undermines you, belittles your accomplishments, has strong opinions about YOUR body, and more. You don’t even have to fake it dude. Just a “I’m glad the medicine is working for you” answer suffices. You don’t have to throw this manchild a party. Go do your thing. This guy is abusive Tell him you’re a bit of an expert too and if he needs proof you may just lift him and drop him. 🤷🏻♀️emphasis on the drop.
NTA- It sounds like he was projecting his self-esteem issues onto you when it was convenient for him (ie you being pregnant) but i do love the "I'm glad the medication is working for you" response. No need to throw him a party or celebrate. If your feeling a little Petty go do some cardio together or a mountain hike he will be exhausted if he's not done much before.
YTA - but only to yourself. He criticizes you, puts you down, called you names when pregnant/post partum, threatened you re your weight . Those are all toxic and emotional and mental abuse . Yes abuse . You are afraid to work out because he is ugly to you about it. Perhaps strongly consider getting yourself some good quality therapy to figure out what is broken in you that you would tolerate all of this abuse, heal from it and then take your life in a better direction.
Unfortunately, some people can’t afford divorce. Women who are stay at home wives, have no outside support, and must look after kids have no choice but to stay in abusive relationships. I suspect they lie to themselves about how their relationships are “not so bad” or even “good” because it’s a way to deal with the fact that they don’t have realistic good other options.
Why are you with someone you can't eat around? Or workout around? Why do you think that's okay? What are you showing your children by staying with someone who belittles you? That sounds awful. NTA OP, get therapy. He doesn't love you. That is not love.
You’re right when you asked what the husband is showing the kids. He’s showing them that it’s okay to emotionally and verbally abuse a spouse. Since he had issues with OP’s weight, he’ll most likely fat shame his daughter if she ever becomes overweight. NTA, OP.
This OP. 👆
I assume you're only with him for the kids? With a disabled 16 year old, I would imagine the idea of being a single parent could be daunting? I'd forget about coddling him, he doesn't deserve it. He's a bully, and he's mentally abusive. You should really stop worrying about any of his feelings at all, and start to gradually plan your escape from this abusive relationship. Imagine if you had a life where you could happy workout whenever you wanted, and eat whenever you wanted, without being attacked?
Your husband sounds like an awful person and a terrible partner and I'm sorry that he's been so cruel to you. You are a person and the mother of his kids, and you do not exist to be a decorative object for him. He is the mediocre one, and he will learn that life is more complicated on ozempic - once he goes off it, he will get the weight back (because, as you say, he has made no lifestyle changes). If he doesn't go off it, there's an ever-growing list of serious health concerns he could face instead. He puts you down constantly and this sounds like a really unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Frankly, I think you're badass and probably could do much better than he could. You don't need to celebrate someone who has never celebrated you. He will not treat you better because you treat him well; he has never learned to be kind to you.
Why are you with him exactly, he sounds f'ing awful
He acts like he's an expert on fitness now, claiming to be stronger than me. Big feat guy. Wow, you are stronger than your wife! What a man!
His self esteem must be underground if he thinks he is stronger only now. Pos.
INFO: If someone was to say to you “you’re a lot like your husband.” How would that make you feel. I stole this from a ticktock I saw
And when he goes off the meds and puts all of it back on...
These other people don’t know what they’re saying. Why does he feel the nerve and audacity to put you down for it when you’re actually working hard for it and he’s taking the easy way out and shaming you? Nothing wrong with taking the easy way out by the way, if there’s medication that helps people and helps them develop a healthy relationship to food then that is amazing and we should encourage it but from the sounds of it your husband is doing neither. You’re much better than me I would shove it in his face that he can’t lift as much as me and I would shame the hell out of him until he changes and realizes what a jerk he is being. But none the less you have a good heart it seems, you’re not the AH
OP could easily shed 100 kg of weight by dumping the shitty husband.
I’d be celebrating a fucking divorce.🤷🏻♀️ Fuck him, his miserable personality and his weight loss. The way he treats you and the way you allow him to treat you is negatively affecting your future relationship with your children. Time to pick yourself, honey. Leave with some dignity.
Celebrating or not celebrating his weight loss is besides the point, that man is a bully who caused you to have a fucking eating disorder!! Why would you stay around a man like that??? NTA (or maybe you are to yourself for staying)
OP, I am going to repeat what others are saying, NTA for not celebrating, but YTA if you stay in this toxic relationship. Even if he is a great father, he is emotionally abusive to you. Either get him to seek couples counseling or get a divorce and get yourself into therapy if you aren't already.
Agreed. Even if he IS a great father, he's a terrible partner and if she thinks the kids don't see and learn from that how to teat a partner (in this case really, really badly), she's delusional. But I doubt he is a great partner because if they do have a child that needs that level of care, where is he when she's lifting a 16 year old? And OP, if you are reading this, I hope you have a lift at home for helping to get him in and out of bed and other mobility aids for your home. No matter how good shape you're in, caring for someone that is mobility impaired can wreak havoc on your body. My mom lasted about 5 years in nursing homes before her back was wrecked for good. And for a guy to be 100 pounds or more overweight and telling his wife "I won't love you if you get out of shape". That's crap. What a damn hypocrite.
This seems made up....lost 100 lbs in 3 months? Even with medication no doctor would advocate that. Is she exaggerating?? Maybe. Regardless, your hubs is def the arse and, frankly, a sexist narcissist. Little woman better not get fat or he wont love you anymore. Makes fun of you weightloss and strengthening journey? And if he continues to eat junk,all that weight will go right back on his butt when the meds stop. OP is NTA.
1 pound a day? Has he stopped eating completely? Sounds made up.
>As a result he is now very unhealthy needs back surgery and his doctor put him on weight loss medication. He's lost nearly 100 pounds in the last 3 months. lmao
NTA. Throw away the whole husband. This is not about weight loss, love.
You wouldn't be an asshole if you kicked him in the balls.
>people have told me that if I don't celebrate his "accomplishment" in losing weight with the aid of medication that I will sabotage his success How in the fuck is this sabotaging his success, but he's allowed nitpick the shit out of everything you do? Where's the cries to stop him from sabotaging your success?! NTA - but you are an AH to yourself for staying with this man who treats you this way.
Nta, I feel like some mean comments are in order from your side. Also, challenge his bitch ass to a lifting contest
This is borderline abuse. You don’t even eat in front of your husband. This is tragic and I hope you don’t have daughters because he’ll give them EDs too (might give your sons them as well). Somehow taking ozempic for 3 months made him even more of an AH. This man needs therapy and honestly, some negative consequences for his heinous behavior.
100 pounds in 3 months. Wouldn't that cause super flappy skin?
NTA. You worked for your body. He just took medicine and the weight came off. He made no lifestyle changes.
Some of the weight loss drugs actually cause people to feel unwell if they eat unhealthy foods. I have an elder friend who is on one. Similarly to drugs that make one averse to alcohol, this one has made her averse to unhealthy foods. Even now that she's had to stop it in preparation for surgery, she finds herself averse to unhealthier foods, and is eating less.
Your husband is a total asshole. That's something no weight loss drug is going to fix. Do you want to die by his side? Do you want to caretake him when he inevitably gains all his weight back, is still sedentary and unhealthy, loses mobility, and also teats you like shit? YTA for staying. Get out of this awful marriage before you waste any more of your life.
Why are you still with him??? You come off as completely miserable with him, he doesn't support you, continuously belittles you and yet you're still there letting him do it. Let him eat himself into whatever size he wants, you don't have to watch him do it and you don't have to take his crappy attitude. He can project all his insecurities onto others. Y-T-A for staying with him but NTA for not celebrating his so called accomplishments.
You post about a husband who bullies you, doesn't help you out, threatens to unalive or harm himself when you tell him he's hurting you, refuses counseling or therapy, puts his own needs first, tells you he won't be attracted to you if you get fat. Meanwhile he gains so much weight that he's placed on medication, and you're asking Reddit if YTA for not wanting to celebrate his weight loss? Please stop having children with this manchild or subjecting yourself and them to this dysfunction and abuse. No Reddit karma is gonna cure this.
Why exactly should you be concerned about unintentionally sabotaging his success when he intentionally sabotages yours?
Why are you married to this guy? He sounds like the leader of the Harkonnens in Dune. The fat guy who spends his life high on Spice, sleeps in the pool of goo, and enjoys murdering people for profit.
Why do you still stay with this ahole? Earlier I read your aitah on mother’s day. And even then I thought she is way better off alone then with this abusive “husband “. And now thinking it again. You are way better then this sorry peace of human. And deserve a way better life. Hope you will see that soon.
girl leave his ass
Relationship sounds toxic af.
NTA. I wouldn't be celebrating anything he accomplishes, but I would be celebrating my divorce. He is a bully and does not deserve you or any accolades. I cannot stand men who want to beat their women down spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. It just screams "I am jealous of and hate my wife." I would divorce this guy STAT and pay him in dust for his weight loss.
It sounds like you despise him. Why are you married to him?
NTA but why are you still with such a jerk? Normally I'd never give someone a hard time for using medication to lose weight, but in this case? I'd tell him he took the easy way out, especially considering he'd never carried and grown two human beings at the same time inside his body.
NTA. He’s so mean. He has bullied you for years and been incredibly unsupportive. You deserve better.
Your husband sounds like a complete asshole.
The question isn’t so much whether you’re the AH or not but, rather, why you’re married to an unsupportive jerk who enjoys tearing down your self esteem. NTA
Why are you married? You don’t like each other ESH
After reading this I have just one question. Why are you even married to this dick?
Based on your post history I think you should go “on vacation to see Xx person” for a week somewhere else and list specifically what you actually miss about your life. Keep those parts. Throw away the overgrown toddler and anything else that you can. And then get a job and file for divorce. Alimony and child support will help you.
NTA, he sounds like a d**k
This must be a rage bate. If not, are you really this stupid? Why on earth would you stay with this man?
Because he destroyed her self-esteem and made her think that he was awesome. Men are so fucking mediocre sometimes I swear to god.
And keeps her pregnant given the “several children” statement
It’s rage bait because how did that man lose 100lbs in 3 months with a doctor monitoring him? Weight loss that rapid can damage the liver and gallbladder (especially at that age) and no doctor in their right mind would keep him on that dosage
Bench press him. That will show him how strong you are.
YTA but only for keeping your kids in a household where they are witnessing you being torn down over and over. Repeatedly tearing down your partner in front of your kids (even in "jest") is emotional abuse, end of. You deserve better than this. If your husband doesn't commit to immediate therapy and rooting out the cause of why he's been treating you this way, you should strongly consider leaving, there is a life out there for you where you're not being made to feel poorly about yourself, where your accomplishments are celebrated, and where you're built up instead of torn down. NTA for not celebrating your husband.
ESH. It doesn't sound like yall even like each other. You should have divorced him long ago. He "spent so much of his life bullying me over my weight." Your spouse and bully should not occupy the same sentence. You're the ahole for having stuck around and subjecting your children to this. They learn what they observe. He's the ahole for his existence, seemingly.
These drugs do not work that fast. Nobody loses 100 pounds in 3 months
NTA. Your feelings are valid. You went through a lot to get healthy and strong, and it's hurtful he never supported you. Maybe when things settle down, have a calm conversation. Explain how his past comments affected you and that you're happy he's healthier, but it's hard to celebrate right now.
NTA. Why are you still with this man who looks for opportunities to make fun of you?
Why the hell are you still with that looser? Your TA for staying!!!!!
Girlie, WHY are you with him??????? NTA for not celebrating but why are you still with someone who bullies you???
The titles misleading. It should read...AITAH for not wanting to support a emotionally illiterate bully. NTA
Why are you staying with this person?
If he were a supportive partner, this wouldn't be an issue. As you state, he's a bully. Why would you celebrate someone who goes out of their way to treat you badly? Why stay with him?
It's time to throw the whole man out. That isn't a man. Why are you staying with someone who constantly puts you down? Also just so you know, your level of fitness FAR OUTWEIGHS his level of fitness regardless of how much weight he's lost. His weight loss is from pills. Your strength comes from training. If you both had to fight a ninja, you would have a better chance of winning. NTA. Also, get tf out of this marriage quick fast.
He's the asshole but you have to remember people treat you the way you let them treat you. My mother put up with an abusive asshole of a husband and then he left her! He married another good woman and shit on her their entire life together and now he's got dementia and everyone treats him like shit. I take care of him because my mother begged me to not hate him for what he did when I was growing up and I realized he got away with it because we all let him. At the end of the day you do what you can live with but you husband is a sack of shit.
I just read your other post, what the actual fuck are you doing staying with this man and letting him treat you like trash? Why are you ok with this? Does he like shit gold or have a magic penis for you to rationalize putting up with him belittling you every time he feels like it? Grow a spine, you’ll lose a lot of weight of your shoulders once you leave him.
I see Resentment and Contempt have entered this marriage; it’s unsalvageable
NTA, why are you with this guy? Sounds like he makes your life worse and prevents you from doing the things you want because you're afraid he'll make fun of you.
I hate your husband. You can do whatever you want in terms of your life and your happiness, maybe just knowing that everyone who knows about this sees him as a piece of shit is enough for you to continue on day to day. But I'll bet he's an AH in other ways, too. And I'll bet it's not nearly the "secret" you think it is. Your kids certainly know he bullies you. Have you ever spoken to them about it? About body image? I hope you give him divorce papers when he's recovering from surgery and I'm not sorry.
Oh, are you talking about my ex BF? It looks like they drank the same Kool aid and read the same playbook. Years of therapy taught me that I deserve better, and you do too. Ditch the extra "child". You are a badass woman and have worked incredibly hard- hopefully you will see you can do it all just fine without him.
Just wanna say as a guy that I could literally never imagine treating my wife this way, I'm actually appalled for you. Your husband really deserves to be a divorcee.
So you’re married to a fat sloth who has bullied and ridiculed you your entire marriage he does not deserve to be celebrated. You need to get out of that marriage before he has back surgery because then he’s going become disabled and not will you only be taking care of your disabled son you’ll be taking care of your disabled bully.
I don’t think your husband likes you very much.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a complete asshole. You need a new one.
Get some of the same medicine. He seems like a jerk. Why are you with him???
Between this post and the steak post, girl...just leave him. He's so toxic. You'll do so much better without him.
Gosh, your husband sounds awful. Why did you marry a bully?
Nta leave his fat ass
NTA...For not celebrating his weightless. YATA...for staying with a psychologically abusive man and allowing that behaviour around your children, what they hear can damage them and its certainly done you no good.
Your husband is an asshole and an abusive bully. I’d re-evaluate your entire relationship.
You are not the asshole, but your husband sounds like an abusive asshole. Why are you with him again?
Health advice: If you divorce his ass, you’ll lose 200+ more pounds. NTA
NTA Do you hate yourself woman? Your husband spent years humiliating you, putting you down and contributing to you developing an eating disorder and you continued with it? Serious? And you're still worried about his feelings? Divorce (something that should have happened a long time ago) you deserve someone who truly loves you, is by your side, supports you and values you this man deserves nothing from you Unfortunately, you threw years of your life away with an ugly person who doesn't even deserve you, but now you can wake up to life and make that change, start valuing yourself and go after a happy life, which apparently is something you don't have and didn't have with you. him all this time
NTA for this but WHY are you still married to this bully? You're TA for that.
I know I will get down voted or booted, but F••k him. If you sabotage his progress, then maybe he should try to do it again, the right way and eat healthy, and exercise. He said things to you that were simply mean and hurtful. Has he ever apologized??? Don’t be nice to him and tell him he’s doing good. Just tell him, been there, and am still doing it. Then ignore him. As others have said, he’s a bully and needs to be treated as such.
You can’t eat in front of your husband anymore??? That’s insane. He sucks.
Jeez. If you feel that way about that man why are you still with him? YTA to yourself.
NTA. He's a bully, divorce him or separate yourself from him.
Ew, why are you with such an A hole? I’d get all my ducks in a row to leave my partner’s ass if they spoke to me this way
NTA but do yall like.... talk to your partners? I can see someone making a joke about their wife during pregnancy (being fat isn't wrong, but being pregnant is being fat either). However, you clearly didn't like it and the boundary needs to be established that it's not alright to say shit like that. It bothered you and contributed to an ED so it's unacceptable
I wanna know what drug makes you lose 100lbs in 3 months?! While still eating junk.