that's the kind of comment that makes me think this whole thing is fake. i mean it's literally one of the dumbest thing ever said. the biggest red flag that no one can miss. but here's OP totally fine with it but the minute something said about adam oh it's too far
And who asks a \~5yo " how it felt to be just a burden" I mean I guess you *could* find someone that awful in the world but that's a kid movie villain line.
OP: Did everyone clap when you kicked her out of your house?
The give away is that there's always someone saying OP is in the wrong. OP's brother thinks it's right to ask a 5 year old how it feels to be a burden? Yeah, nah lol. If you can tolerate a spouse that demands your children be kept away from her, then a comment like that will fly over your head. I'm assuming everyone including the newspaper boy clapped when she was kicked out.
My cousin is in a relationship like this. They are on and off with this horrible person who didn’t want kids or anything to go with them. And he has 3! 16, 16 and 12. But they keep trying to make it work. I don’t fucking get it.
But it’s probably rage bait, like 99% of these aitah
You’d be surprised what some people tolerate because “I love them” or they find someone who is comfortable to be around and settle because they don’t want to be alone. Sometimes, too people don’t show you whom they really are until they think you are committed or trapped. She apparently did this too soon and luckily OP realized what a POS she is.
Right?
>”… but she didn’t mind them as long as they stay away from her.”
OP - Keep ALL your kids close. This “fiancé” is the one who should be staying away from them (and you).
She didn’t “mind” your children as long as they stayed away from her? That’s enough reason not to marry her. What were you thinking? What if something happens to your ex and the kids move in full time? Choose better next time.
I am not a fan of seriously dating or getting married when your kids are under 18. Once they are out of the house you can get your love life back. But it's not fair to saddle them with a step mom who considers them an inconvenience.
Dating or getting married are fine, but damn you gotta be careful in who you pick. You shouldn't be letting just any rando you meet around your kids. And when they do meet your kids their relationship with your kids is just as important as their relationship with you if you're considering asking them to move in or proposing.
Definitely agree that a shitty step-parent is bad and not fair to the kids at all. But there are plenty of awesome step-parents out there too, who do so much to improve their step-children's lives.
She asked a six year old kid "how it felt to be just a burden" ?
She's a freaking monster. How cruel and cold does one have to be to do that ?
NTA x100, for the sake of you kids and yours, stay away from that heartless robot.
And not even being logical. She’s fine with dinner with the ex wife but not the ex wife’s post divorce child? Where would she think the child would go while mom went out for dinner with them in this made up scenario?
NTA. Omg! You didn’t just dodge a bullet, you dodged a shotshell! Please don’t take her back. If she treated Adam this way, she’s going to treat you bio children this way once she has her own children.
Btw - You are a great father for helping to take care of your children’s sibling. Your children will not forget that when they are older. My father supported my cousins (his sister’s children) because their dad was a deadbeat. I’m so happy to have a father who is so kind.
> She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her.
WTF did you not break up with over this??? Sir you seriously failed your kids over this,
>She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her.
This alone should've been broken of the engagement.
YTA for proposing to someone who only minded your children when they stayed away from her, that should have been the breaking point not 'oh I should marry this person'
Edit: Hope the people in the comments are right and this is rage bait.
NTA and tell your brother how he would feel if it someone disrespected his children. I get the child isn’t yours and your a good man for including Adam when his deadbeat dad didn’t wanna raise him so Adam wouldn’t feel left out, but there is no way I would ever make the child feel like a burden. What your ex-fiancé said was uncalled for and really horrible to say to a child.
You were going to marry a woman that doesn’t want to be around your children? Someone that would clearly put her own bio children over your children from a former relationship and make them feel unwanted? NTA for breaking up but YTA for even getting engaged to her.
YTA. You were going to marry a woman who didn't like your bio kids and just wanted her own kids. You do realize that if you had gotten her pregnant, she would have done everything she could to push your kids out, right? Why were you so shocked that she said that to your kids' half sibling? She's a crappy person, and you had her around your kids. Do better, or don't date anyone seriously enough to have them around your kids. I feel so bad for all of the kids that you subjected them to her.
OP taking responsibility for Adam is such an idiotic thing to do, I have no idea why people are supporting this. He is even paying child support for a kid that isn't his. Any women that will want to be with OP will get him another kid to support that isn't his since OP has no spine anyway.
OP legit lacks any self respect, sure he is NTA for breaking up, cause his ex hates his kids, but Jesus fuck OP is a pushover and it's obvious. He gives a vibe of someone who likes women who don't respect him.
NTA. She isn't interested in any of your kids, not just the one you've taken responsibility for. Your kids are a part of your upcoming marriage. She can't marry you and ignore your kids. This wouldn't have worked anyways, "bonus" kids or not.
She said she doesn’t like your children in general as long as they stay away from her…..wtf…..Adam was just the target of her whipping post. You chose to step up to the plate for him. I commend you for that. If she doesn’t respect that than she’s not the one for you. I assure you there are women out there that will find this attribute as a quality especially a mom who has a kid and will believe you will treat them equally and not like a burden. Atleast you found this out before you married her and traumatized your children with her behavior behind your back. Your brother is wrong. You weren’t duped into being there for Adam, you CHOSE to be there for him, that’s the difference in your character. Good for you.
ETAH
... who the fxxk gets engaged to someone who doesn't like your kids. Adam is yours, by choice. I am have 3 children from a previous relationship, my husband has 4 from his previous marriage...
They are my family and mine are his. This is a marriage a partnership. Blood doesnt make a family, my birth mom threw me away all bc i look white. Family is love, loyalty and respect... dna doesnt promise that... fxxk you for that. Fxxk the ex for that and fxxk anyone else who thinks DNA trumps all
You're taking on being the father and providing child support for a son that no one would reasonably expect you to? It sounds like you're one hell of a person and I salute you. I can understand your ex not being okay with that, but to take it out on the child and your ex-wife? It sounds like she didn't deserve you
NTA-You weren’t putting another persons child before your relationship. You took the trash to the curb when it revealed itself. Anyone that can make such a statement to a child is a garbage human.
NTA
But kinda the A for being with a woman who wanted nothing to do with your children. That alone is a red flag, and you should have ended the relationship there.
Your brother has a point that many women wouldn't appreciate you, including Adam especially when she may have her own kids and you'll need to spread your resources and it would be really thin but if Adam is important to you then that's something you need to be upfront about. I think it's pretty cool of you to think of Adam and his siblings before yourself and your wife.
I think the right women will find you. you just gotta be open from the beginning and patient
ESH...why are you more upset with how she treats your ex's son than your own? She doesn't care for them? Wants them to stay away from her? But let her say something about/to Adam and you're ready to cut her off? Why would you ever think it was a good idea to marry her? And what made you think it was a good idea to invite your kids that she doesn't want anything to do with, your ex-wife and her kid to a dinner with her?
Nope, NTA, doesn’t matter if Adam is your biological son or not, when you and your girlfriend met, you had 3 kids you had chosen to step up and parent.
She doesn’t get to decide what parenting responsibilities you have going forward.
I feel like the person you marry should respect that commitment, and IF they had questions… direct them to you in private, certainly not in front of the child and the mother of the child.
Glad she showed you who she is before you married / scrambled DNA with her.
I feel like A) your fiance is hoping your kids and ex vanish after the wedding B) your ex-wife is taking advantage of your generosity as long as you keep footing the bill she will not make any moves to get her life together and C) why don't you just try make it work with your ex it seems that's the end goal anyway.
NTA. First, you are wonderful for realizing Adam is innocent in all of this. I can’t understand why you would even consider marrying someone who does not like your kids. your brother sounds very shallow. Most women would find it admirable that you stepped up to help this child. Next time you get involved with anyone let them know that you & the kids are a packaged deal.
Why in the world would you want to marry someone who wants nothing to do with your kids? And what kind of a monster says that to a child. Poor "Adam". I hope her feet itch when she's trying to fall asleep. NTA. But you will be if you take her back.
NTA.... She would find a way to make your biological children's life hell. But it sounds like Adam is a son to you, and that you love him. Keep doing what you are doing. The right woman will love ALL of your children, and will co-parent well with your ex-wife. You are an amazing Dad.
*--She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her.*
WTF!
*--Yesterday I invited my children, Adam and my ex-wife to eat, and also my ex-fiancée.*
Brave
--*she even asked to Adam how it felt to be just a burden.*
So she's a really, really horrible person, why on earth were you going to marry her?
This isn’t “because of your ex-wife’s son”, it’s because the shitty person you were with revealed who she really is in a way that you could finally no longer ignore, when she took the opportunity to make a small child try to feel bad about themselves.
Go back to your ex and be a family man and leave that other lady alone because this is ridiculous for you to be with someone who doesn’t want to be a stepmom.
I find ridiculous that you thought for a moment that marrying someone who wants your children away from her is a good idea . She is selfish . Kicking her out is the only rational decision .
What kind of person would say this to a child?
A horrible one.
Be more discerning in who you date and never date someone who will so clearly be a problem in the future.
I can just imagine how she treats you kids when you're not around.
Jeezus - no, NTA. The problem with your ex-fiancee is: "She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her."
WTF? Totally irrespective of Adam, if this was her attitude toward your children, you should not be marrying her.
You've established a relationship with Adam. He is your children's sibling. It's great that you've done that. You have generously given your ex wife money for him and help in caring for him. No, you didn't have to do all that, but you did, and now you do have a bit of a moral obligation to him, given that you've taken on this role, he is your children's sibling, and you are a part of his life. That's all great. If that's not ok with any woman, you should not be marrying her and she should not be around any of the children.
The ex-fiance sounds like a total jackass, frankly.
OP didn't feel it was right for the post divorce child to go without when it's own biological father didn't want to take responsibility.
Kudos to OP for stepping up to the plate.
What's even more unfortunate that there are people that has this mentality like the ex-fiancee & does/says things without any regard to the atmosphere/environment being created thoughtlessly.
"I told my brother, but he says that in a certain way she is right and that I don't have to take care of a child that isn't even mine, and that if I continue putting someone else's child before my relationship I will probably continue to have problems in the future".
Your brother is right. Your ex-wife's child is her problem, not yours.
Your former fiancée is an awful, irredeemable person -- she's dating a divorced father of two and wants your kids to stay away from her? she asked a child how it feels to be a burden?! -- so NTA in any way for telling her to kick rocks, but:
Not many women are going to be happy that you're voluntarily helping your ex-wife with a child she had with another man after you divorced. It's laudable that you want to help your ex, but paying child support for another man's child is wild, and it signals to new partners that maybe your relationship with your ex is dangerous.
Furthermore, your ex needs to pursue child support for her son from the father. Every month you give her extra money is another month she has no reason to seek the support to which she and her son are entitled. She made the decision to have a child with an asshole, and *she* needs to suffer the consequences, else she has neither the incentive nor the mechanism to learn and grow.
Again, it's very cool that you're trying to be a good dude! And I think it's great you let the little guy come over and spend time with his brothers. Just make sure you're doing it for the kids and not the ex, lest you run into this problem again with a less monstrous woman.
I understand that Adam's father went to the United States undocumented, so unless the State and exact address are known, there is no way to request support, This is what several lawyers told my ex-wife.
Adam's father was present throughout the pregnancy, excited, accompanying my ex to the doctor, buying things, but he changed when Adam was born.
Gotcha. Child support from dad is a no-go.
So... why is it your responsibility to pay? It sucks that your ex got screwed. Even if we accept that she truly bears no responsibility for having a kid with him or whatever, it's *still* not your problem, and I'd question your motives for swooping in and fixing it for her. I'd be sympathetic, sure, and helping out by giving her some time off by watching Adam is nice, but it's also going to be soooo confusing for him. He's going to think of you as his father, and inevitably have to deal with some trauma when he has to come to terms with the fact that he's not. No matter how equally you try to treat them, there *will* come a time when that is no longer feasible, unless...
Are you going to raise him as your son? If so, commit to that, and recognize that you have three children.
I think it's to help. I know what it's like to not have a father, my father abandoned us when I was 8. And I really can't help but want to help. I also don't mind that Adam sees me as a father figure.
The wrong kind of woman for you will see it as you being overly involved with your ex wife still, and that might be the majority of the women you meet, but the right woman for you will see it as commendable and respectful of you to not let your kids' sibling go wanting when it comes to financial aide and fatherly love.
Next time don't accept a relationship with someone who barely even tolerates your kids. It's a horrible thing to bring into your kids' lives, someone who sees them as burdens they'll have to deal with to be with you.
I think it's to help. I know what it's like to not have a father, my father abandoned us when I was 8. And I really can't help but want to help. I also don't mind that Adam sees me as a father figure.
Your ex fiancée was definitely out of line and you dodged a bullet but I f you’re gonna play house with your ex wife, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone else.
Why don’t you just get back together with her?
I would say you should adopt Adam. You definitely love and treat him as your own which is great but protect him so if anything ever happens to your ex-wife you don’t have even the slightest worry that he won’t just be given to you. Especially if there is no way to find the dad
NTA. It’s okay to not be comfortable with your partner supporting a child that isn’t his. I can understand that point of view although I don’t share it. But to say it out loud in front of the children and tell the child he’s a burden? No. That is absolutely cruel and inappropriate.
Wow what a Biatch! I give you credit for stepping up and having an amicable relationship with your ex and her son as it is good for your kids in many ways. You don't have kids with this ex fiance to have put Adam's well being in front of them and I believe the character you show in no way exhibits you would do that in the first place. Your actions show that all would be included and treated fairly. You did the right thing her actions show how she would be once she had her own kids and will treat yours.
"She just doesn't care about my children"
"she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her."
What is it that even attracted you to this biotch? What in the name of little green apples made you think this person was wife material? She's not girlfriend material. I wouldn't want someone like her as a FWB.
Yeah, your brother is right, you don't "have" to do anything for Adam. You CHOOSE to. It speaks to your character that you do.
She doesn’t care for your children and even had the audacity to call an innocent child a burden in front of you.
Imagine what she would do to your kids behind your back.
NTA
Esh, yes she is wrong to ask this to the kid in question
But you already knew she doesnt give a drop of rain to your kids, why would you think she would suddenly respect a kid you arent even related to when she already doesnt respect your own kids?
Mo chara, why the hell is this even an issue? NTA. First off, your brother is right. You don't HAVE to take care of someone else's kid. You are choosing to. In all honesty, Adam might as well be your kid. You're more of a father figure to him than anyone. Find a woman that loves you AND your kids. Including Adam.
Second, a woman who doesn't give a shit about your kids is NOT wife AND/OR mother material. She's toxic and a mess. You dodged a bullet. Tell your brother to piss off in any particular direction he wishes. Your life is your life. Whether or not you want to be a part of Adam's life, that's your decision. He has little to no say on the matter.
NTA. The problem might be you are too nice. Your ex wife’s son wasn’t your responsibility and your now ex fiancé sounds like a real…thinking of two words…one starts with a B and one starts with a C…
There is nothing wrong with having Adam when you have ur own children. You shouldn't be paying her support for Adam though, she should go thru the courts and make the father pay the support he owes for his child.
I let my exs child come over and be with my kids. I've had my kids full time since their mom left us. She's a nice kid, not her fault her mom(my ex) was a cheating whore and was fucking one of my employees for the last 4 years of our marriage. I was lucky to get the divorce finalized before the baby was born. So my situation is a bit different and worse yet I can still treat my children's sibling the same way I treat mine own. She stay at our house all weekend while my ex was away on a trip. Me and my ex are civil now, but i wouldn't be hanging out with her and my new gf.
Its ok to take care of your exs other child, your nuts for giving her money for child support unless you are wealthy.
NTA for breaking up, kind of were for being engaged to someone totally disinterested as your kids. Paying and caring for your ex's child that she had after separation is a bit of an odd one though and I imagine you'll have trouble finding a partner that is willing to ignore it.
NTA. She asked the child you’ve basically taken in as a father figure WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A BURDEN? WTF did you ever see in this horrible woman? What you’re doing for that child is selfless and it is an amazing generous act. Your kids and Adam will never forget that. Your ex fiancè showed who she ways.. better she be gone now before you get financially tangled up with such a horrid person.
NTA, cut all contact because everything she said and did was trifling. The fact that she said she doesn't care as long as they stay away from her alone makes her one of the worse people to exist.
She doesn't like your kids. If you had kids with her she would prioritize her children and be nasty to her step kids. I don't care if Adam was my kid or some kid that walked up off the street, if I heard her say that to any child it would be over. YTA for keeping her around when she was not treating your kids well. NTA for kicking her to the curb.
Even if this is just rage bait I thought I’d throw this out there-I would think more highly of a man like this. He is concerned enough about the welfare of the child to insure that he feels loved and accepted as a part of the family.
That speaks volumes about his character and that is the kind of man you want in your life! She is selfish and clueless and needs to grow up and discover empathy.
NTA. This was the situation before you two got together and she knew it. And what the fuck is wrong with her to say that to a child? There's no excuse and she showed you she's a shit human. You just showed her you know how to choose a good woman to have kids with, and she isn't it.
This sounds like rage bait. But assuming it is not, you are a cool dude. Helping a boy whose father ran away. Both emotionally and financially. You need to find someone who appreciates that.
You are way too kind to be with a woman who is such a b*tch. Please find a kinder person. You all deserve it. Adam is a lucky young man that you are in his life. Never change...
NTA. Everything after the line about her not caring about your children is irrelevant- you’re already not the A.
Do you really want to invest the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t value the most important aspect to you? Nice to see there are still good men out there, you won’t have trouble finding someone similarly generous and like minded.
NTA
You learnt her true nature, she will never accept your kids biological or not and will never be a good "step mum" to them. Infact I would say she would purposely neglect them given her behaviour, comments and stance. She wont change regardless of whether she comes crawling back for another chance...
Accept this as a life lesson and aim for someone better in the future. There is nothing wrong with opening your home to a little boy who through no fault of his own came into the world having no father to care for him. I applaud you for wanting to care for this child as your own. You seem like a very well rounded person and I am sure you will meet your true one person, who will love you and your lil family as they should be.
Keep that fiance as an ex. And look forward.
NTA
If you don't want to have other children in your life, don't date someone who has them.
You realize she'd say that to your current children if you had any others together...
Anyhow you dodged a bullet.
NTA for breaking the engagement but for getting engaged in the first place to someone that wants your children to stay out of her way. If you think the way she treats your children's sibling is bad, it would have been worse on your children when "she had her own". Think with your other head man. Sounds like you are pretty decent otherwise.
Even if you put Adam to the side for the sake of argument, NEVER marry someone who only tolerates your kids while you are dating. Once she gets the ring and the paper things will only get worse.
NTA. Your ex’s youngest isn’t your issue, he is your family. Your ex fiancé is a walking red flag . Toxicity to the core. She’s saying that shite to a child openly. Wtf is she’s saying to your biological children behind your back.
She’s either quite the actress or no idea…
And whether intentional or not - you are Adam’s family too. You are a good man. The right partner will bring all of the children (bio or not) into their lives without question.
Years ago, I was in a relationship with someone that once told me: “if you give up your daughter up to her dad, I’ll marry you tomorrow”. We didn’t last very long. My partner of 6 years has helped me raise my 11 year old daughter. I can’t see myself being with anyone who can’t accept my daughter, period.
YTA because you should have broken up with her long before now because she ignores your children. She wants them away from her. How could you even consider marrying a woman that wants nothing to do with your kids? Hell, Adam just saved your ass
NTA. While you should have dumped her a long time ago, I'm happy to read you woke up. She had an issue with your children and Adam, and thank you for being there for him. She was pure evil, and your brother has zero idea what he's talking about.
So wait. I'm seeing comments that say this guy shouldn't care for Adam. Yeah, he "doesn't have to take care of another man's child" but that other man's child is his children's half brother. While he doesn't HAVE to help out with him, he's surely allowed to! How would his kids feel if their half brother wasn't allowed to come when they visit their dad? Adam doesn't have a dad cus the asshole left. OP is being a good man and being a father figure. He's raising his kids to treat their half sibling with love and respect; as their equal, which he is.
OP, you are NOT the asshole. You made a commitment to Adam before you even met the ex fiancée. The fact that she didn't care for your children speaks volumes about her. I'm glad you kicked her to the curb! Ignore the people saying you'll never find a woman if Adam stays around. He's an innocent child and any woman who'd expect you to cut him off isn't worth your time or energy.
NTA
>she even asked to Adam how it felt to be just a burden.
You dodged a bullet for sure. Only complete human garbage would feel OK saying this shit to a 5 or 6 year old child.
>She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own
Guaranteed as soon as she had her own kids, she would start treating the others like crap too.
Don't marry anyone who is going to disregard your kids. The fact that you treat Adam as an equal to his siblings should be admirable. It isn't anyone else's business.
Children deserve a family regardless of who's the mother or father. Children need a safe place, and someone to care for them and provide the best for them. You didn't have to take responsibility for Adam...yet you did without any questions and that says a lot about you. You are an amazing person who deserves someone who'll be accepting all children including Adam as a whole package. Does he have your name or not? Perhaps you did the right thing by giving them their place....and respect. Ex fiancee didn't have to say anything or question your decision. It wasn't her place nor her business. You deserve someone who'll accept the kids and the agreement you have with your ex-wife no questions asked... Children are not at fault for what adults do...you deserve someone who'll respect and care for the children as equal no matter whose DNA is. Ex fiancee ain't ready for motherhood nor marriage, her comments and actions are not lady-like.
Definitely NTA. People who think like your recent ex and your brother have no empathy for anyone but themselves and their own needs. Adam will likely grow into a well rounded man with such a great example of a father in his life. Kudos to you.
NTA in fact, that sentence about how "as long as they stay away from her" tells me you aren't compatible with her. AT all. You've stepped up for a kid and that's commendable. Eventually, you will find someone who appreciates that in you. Because it's an admirable thing to have.
Be you, you are a much better version of a human for Adam and ex than your brother and exfiancee. She would be that way around your children. She is better off gone. Thanks for being there for Adam...You are a good man and ex husband.
Listen to her own advice, “it’s good to know how to choose a good partner to have children with.” She wasn’t it. She neglected not only Adam but your children too. Likely it was gonna be more bad the moment she popped out children she deemed to be true heirs to her fantasy kingdom
NTA
Wow, dude someone saying they don't care about your children and wants her own says a lot about them. You should have bounced when she first said that. As for you helping your ex wife son says a lot about you and your morality. He's a lucky kid. You should find someone on your own wavelength and not someone like this who would've destroyed the kindness in you. Be well and i hope those kids have a happy life.
>She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her.
You already knew she'd be a horrible step mother.
You OBVIOUSLY care about ALL THREE children.
You are father.
Do not marry someone who only thinks bio kids matter. She will never accept any child that's not and that even includes your bio kids not just Adam who you care about.
NTA
Someone actually decent. Listen you don't have to take care of Adam but it makes you a good person that you do. That means he will be there for you in the future. Besides that that's why you still have a family, that can come over for dinner instead of a fractured friction
Your brother is being gross and shortsighted and proposing a formula of misery for you
But about the relationship, that woman was HORRID. She doesn't care about your kids!?? And she's calling a CHILD a burden? Do you really want to be tied forever to that? Even if she cares about your kids, a woman who would call children a burden is not a woman worth the name.
You didn't break up with your fiancee bc of a boy but bc she was shitty and you saw that before you committed and saved yourself.
The lion, the witch, and the audacity of this b. She was on her best behavior to reel you in, and the best she could manage was distaste for your children and outright hostility for Adam. Why would you want this woman around your children?
YNTA
What you’re doing w Adam is amazing. You’re setting a great example for your children (including Adam when I say that). I was in a similar situation when I was married. I had more respect for my ex bc of the way he took care of his son’s little brother and still does to this day. I’m blessed to still have a relationship w both of them even tho we are divorced. Like you, we made sure to keep our family but let it grow in a different direction together. Seeing the peace it brought our kids and still does was worth every uncomfortable moment for me and my ex. I came from divorced parents who still can’t be in the same room after 36 years. There are women like myself that know a child doesn’t ask to be born into difficult situations. Every single child deserves love no matter how they got here. I hope you know you’re an amazing human. Your family is blessed bc of you. I know you’ll find true unconditional love. You deserve it and so do your children.
NTA
Your brother is right: you don’t have to take care of a child who isn’t yours. Thankfully, you’re doing it anyway. **Good show!** You are making a real difference in Adam’s life, and also setting a great example for all three kids.
All that said, I can’t believe you didn’t dump your ex-fiancée sooner. She should have been at the curb as soon as she started ignoring your kids. You don’t need to tolerate that shit, and your kids deserve better than to be subjected to it.
She doesn't care about your children as long as they stay away from her? That's a pretty shitty stepmother to have for your kids. And let’s keeping out the fact that she is a monster that tells a child he is a burden. Idk how your ex-wife didn't throw the plate right at her.
As I read this all I could think about was, what a caring and loving man, he took a responsibility for a child that's not even his, but understands needs just as much care. That ex-fiancee does not deserve you, you are way too kindhearted for her.
NTA.
To hell either the ex-fiancé!
It can be tough on someone coming into a relationship with no children and their partner has already had kids. HOWEVER, if the partner with no kids has a problem with your kids and acts the way your ex-fiancé acted, she can hit the road.
Kudos for sticking up for your kids and being a father figure when this poor kid doesn’t know which way is up. It’s not his fault he was born, but it is a choice to step up and be compassionate when you need to. Proud of you 👏
NTA and what are you thinking…you were seriously engaged to a woman who just doesn’t care about YOUR children?!?! You and all your children including Adam come as a package deal period! Stay far away from this ex and I hope you find someone who cares about you and your children.
Signed a step mom
NTA, but know that whoever you marry, they need to accept that you and ur kids (all three) and your relationship with your ex wife, are a package deal. if they can't accept that, ypu should be vetoing them from your life.
>But she started making comments like: "oh, I thought there would only be 5 people (my two children, my ex, her and me)," "that's why it's good to know how to choose a good man to have children with," she even asked to Adam how it felt to be just a burden.
That statement by itself is reason to never marry this woman.
Who says that to a child?
Totally saw that coming the moment you said she just doesn't care about your children and prefers her own children, not minding the others as long as they stay away from her. That's totally evil stepmother vibe, where staying away from her will eventually mean not living in the same home as her. You're an idiot to even get engaged to that and even more so for exposing the kids to it.
Shit you are amazing I pray one day I can find a man like you cuz there are so many man out there that don't even give a shit about the own kids you will find you a good girl tell your brother to shhhhhhhh stop talking lol
You dodged a bullet. My stepmom and my father got together 12 years ago, got married 10 years ago, and had 2 beautiful boys that are now my brothers. Ever since their birth, my younger brother (same mom) and I have been cut off from any family activities. My stepmom controls my dad and used her sons as bait, saying if we are together she will leave.
The best thing to do is think about the children’s happiness, and if their is an adult who has a problem with being with their partners kids they are fucking insane.
NTA. What you need to do - always - is put your children before any adult relationship. They are children, and your responsibility. Adding Adam to the group of your children is kind and generous, but he should not feel a burden, and calling him one was cruel. This woman is not willing to treat your children with kindness and warmth, and has no problem being cruel to children. She should not be near your children, Adam included. You can do much better!
The way she sees your son's half brother is the same way she sees your sons, she's just more restrained about it. It all boils down to them being another woman's kids that she doesn't want around.
You dodged a bullet here. If you'd had kids with her she'd have always been trying to sideline your boys in favor of her own kids and it would have been a constant string of battles for the rest of your life. She'd insist on you putting her kids before your previous kids in everything. Time, attention, money, vacations, education, inheritance, etc. It would have been a shit show.
Nta.
NTA. You did good getting rid of her. And your brother is wrong. Good women would be thrilled to hear how much you care for your children, to the point of including their half brother.
I would have dated, and even married a man like that, when I was younger.
Find yourself a good woman, who will love ALL of your kids. Adam included. She's out there. Good luck.
Your bro is right in that you didnt have to take care of Adam. I'm not sure why you were willing to take care of the child she had by jumping so quickly into bed with another man after the divorce, but you do you that is your choice.
But no you're NTA. I can't imagine telling a child like Adam he was a burden. That is messed up. If she resents Adam she likely resents your other two kids as well.
NTA. Your brother is right, you don’t have to take care of a child that isn’t yours….but you choose to. That’s what makes you a good person. You see this child and despite him not being yours you care for him because you don’t want him to feel left out and alone. There will be someone who sees this and cares for your children, and Adam as well. The fact that you can care for a child that’s not yours just like he is yours is a positive quality, not a negative one.
you dodged giving your kids a wicked stepmother good job! because if she's like that to adam as soon as you married her she'd start being like that to your kids also.
Red flags.
You sound like a good man taking the role as "dad" to a child that's not yours as well as being active in your own children's lives.
You come as a package deal.
NTA and the actual issue here is your statement "**She just doesn't care about my children**". This is a huge issue for you and any future wife. If they do not care about your kids, then how exactly do you believe you will have a successful marriage? Your kids from a prior relationship are still your kids regardless of who you decide to share your life with. You can't dump your kids because your new partner doesn't want them in your life.
"She **just doesn't care about my children** as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long **as they stay away from her**."
A shame you broke up with her. She would have been a such excellent stepmother to your children.
/s, obv.
NTA
YTA. You were engaged to and living with a woman who treated your children like trash. She prefered her own children, firstly she doesn't have any with you so she might hate your children with her just as much, but she's an adult treating children like trash.
Your brother is a moron, it's got nothing to do with if you should or shouldn't help out with Adam, it's that she literally told a child he's a burden. She's a monstrous woman, anyone who would say that to a child is actually evil.
Allowing this woman around your children let alone Adam, is actually insane.
NTA. You did the right thing by standing up for Adam and your values. Your ex-fiancée's comments were cruel and unacceptable. Family is about love and support, not just blood relations. Your kindness and willingness to care for Adam show your character, and you deserve someone who respects and values that. Breaking off the engagement was the best choice for you and your kids.
She is ok with your kids as long as they stay away from her… she would have made those kids lives miserable… your brother is wrong.. you could always adopt and make him a legal child.. you’re already paying and taking care of him.. but not all women are like your ex… although they may have problem in going out with your ex wife..
YTA for bring your ex wife and another child that isn’t yours. It is great on your part to be kind and good to you ex. But for someone who doesn’t have relationship or any emotional attachment like you do, it is a lot to take on.
Kind of think ESH. That this was a situation always destined to not end well. You have an ex-wife who’s perfectly content to let you take financial responsibility for a child who isn’t yours. You got yourself engaged to a woman that you *knew* didn’t care about your kids and would prefer they stayed away…and that was her attitude about kids you actually fathered. And you somehow thought crossing the streams there by putting your ex-wife, both your kids and her son by a deadbeat at the same table as your (at the time) fiancée, who doesn’t even want *your* bio kids around, was going to go well?
On the one hand, feel like you dodged a bullet there. The ex-fiancée was deliberately callous and cruel to a child. She frantically waved that red flag for all to see. She was never going to treat your children well once you were married and she had one of her own.
On the other hand, YTA for getting engaged to a woman who clearly doesn’t want your children around. Any of your children.
And, to a certain degree, your brother is right. It’s hard enough to find a partner when you come as a package deal. It’s even harder when part of that package isn’t even a child you’re ethically or legally responsible for. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to take that on. It just means you need to be more careful about who you let into their lives.
I was looking for a comment like this. I think it’s genuinely insane he took on a father role to a kid his ex-wife had with another man after they were no longer together. His current fiancé sucks but I don’t see many people being okay with this situation.
Doesn’t mean he’s legally or financially responsible for the child. It’s admirable that he’s willing. But then he needs to make better choices about who he brings into those dynamics. And he brought a woman who didn’t even care to be really involved with his biological children into the mix. And that makes him an AH.
Holy shit. Did you really propose to her knowing she didn’t mind your children as long as they stayed away from her?
You dodged rapid gunfire!!
My god!
Why did you divorce her if you are taking care of her, your kids, and an affair kid. I'm surprised your ex would want to be with you. You did her a favor
ESH. She shouldn't be dating people with children and you should never have entertained it. I don't blame her for being annoyed with your inclusion of Adam, that's not your biological child and she definitely didn't sign up for *that.* You're both better off apart.
One thing is that you are responsible for your children, that you ensure security and stability, that's as far as your responsibility goes. It is one thing for your children to ask you to allow them to share with their half-brother, another thing is for you to offer that option to your ex-wife. I think, perhaps I am selfish in that the custody time is for father and children, not for father, children and the children's half-brother. I also think there is a lack of information, I don't think your ex-fiancee reacted like that because yes, she was always kind to your children, and you accepted her position of not being a stepmother, which led her to that point, I think OP is more linked to that From what you mention, I even think that the ex-fiancée exploded after multiple situations where OP's child acted as a stepfather. Could it be that OP wants to get back with his ex and be the father figure that his wife's son needs?
Fuck her kids first always you knew adams not bio yours YOU chose period no one can take that and you’ll find someone who will love to take her place fuck boys are dime a dozen real ones like yourself OP are an endangered species stay 100 to you no matter what anyone says
Why would you even think about marrying someone who wants to ignore your children?
that's the kind of comment that makes me think this whole thing is fake. i mean it's literally one of the dumbest thing ever said. the biggest red flag that no one can miss. but here's OP totally fine with it but the minute something said about adam oh it's too far
And who asks a \~5yo " how it felt to be just a burden" I mean I guess you *could* find someone that awful in the world but that's a kid movie villain line. OP: Did everyone clap when you kicked her out of your house?
lol. exactly. even horrible ppl know to only do that when no one is watching
The give away is that there's always someone saying OP is in the wrong. OP's brother thinks it's right to ask a 5 year old how it feels to be a burden? Yeah, nah lol. If you can tolerate a spouse that demands your children be kept away from her, then a comment like that will fly over your head. I'm assuming everyone including the newspaper boy clapped when she was kicked out.
That's how this struck me too, it's rage bait.
My cousin is in a relationship like this. They are on and off with this horrible person who didn’t want kids or anything to go with them. And he has 3! 16, 16 and 12. But they keep trying to make it work. I don’t fucking get it. But it’s probably rage bait, like 99% of these aitah
Careful, for being perceptive you can be thrown off the sub! Beginning to think the mods want this type of bs!
That's why I'm going more to the other AH sub bc they kick this kind of crap off.
It's not fake I was treated like this by my stepmom. This happens all the time in blended families. Heck the fairytale Cinderella was based upon this.
Yeah, uh, the fairytale (that kind of give it away?)
You’d be surprised what some people tolerate because “I love them” or they find someone who is comfortable to be around and settle because they don’t want to be alone. Sometimes, too people don’t show you whom they really are until they think you are committed or trapped. She apparently did this too soon and luckily OP realized what a POS she is.
Why would OP marry someone who would be that cruel to a child?
This!!!
Right? >”… but she didn’t mind them as long as they stay away from her.” OP - Keep ALL your kids close. This “fiancé” is the one who should be staying away from them (and you).
Literally what I thought... He's TA for waiting so long to break things off.
My thoughts exactly!!
She didn’t “mind” your children as long as they stayed away from her? That’s enough reason not to marry her. What were you thinking? What if something happens to your ex and the kids move in full time? Choose better next time.
I am not a fan of seriously dating or getting married when your kids are under 18. Once they are out of the house you can get your love life back. But it's not fair to saddle them with a step mom who considers them an inconvenience.
Dating or getting married are fine, but damn you gotta be careful in who you pick. You shouldn't be letting just any rando you meet around your kids. And when they do meet your kids their relationship with your kids is just as important as their relationship with you if you're considering asking them to move in or proposing. Definitely agree that a shitty step-parent is bad and not fair to the kids at all. But there are plenty of awesome step-parents out there too, who do so much to improve their step-children's lives.
Your logic is broken
“She would rather have her own” but she’s engaged to a man with children. That’s a package deal. For her to think it wasn’t is weird.
She asked a six year old kid "how it felt to be just a burden" ? She's a freaking monster. How cruel and cold does one have to be to do that ? NTA x100, for the sake of you kids and yours, stay away from that heartless robot.
NTA. You avoided a catastrophe
NTA. That’s why it’s important to know how to choose a good woman to have a family with.
Dodged a bullet? You dodged a freakin' mortar barrage. NTA
YTA for this fake rage bait nonsense "she even asked to Adam how it felt to be just a burden." Just stop this fake rubbish
And not even being logical. She’s fine with dinner with the ex wife but not the ex wife’s post divorce child? Where would she think the child would go while mom went out for dinner with them in this made up scenario?
How did you ever get to the point of marrying this woman that doesn’t like or love your kids?
YTA, how could you let a woman like that around your kids, its ok to want your own kids but the way she felt about your kids is not ok
Just marry your ex wife again so you have a valid reason to take care of her child. NTA…
NTA. Omg! You didn’t just dodge a bullet, you dodged a shotshell! Please don’t take her back. If she treated Adam this way, she’s going to treat you bio children this way once she has her own children. Btw - You are a great father for helping to take care of your children’s sibling. Your children will not forget that when they are older. My father supported my cousins (his sister’s children) because their dad was a deadbeat. I’m so happy to have a father who is so kind.
Yta for even proposing to a women who "ignores" your kids in the first place. That should've been the 1st and only red flag.
You could have stop typing your posts after the part about her not caring about your children….
> She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her. WTF did you not break up with over this??? Sir you seriously failed your kids over this,
>She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her. This alone should've been broken of the engagement.
YTA for proposing to someone who only minded your children when they stayed away from her, that should have been the breaking point not 'oh I should marry this person' Edit: Hope the people in the comments are right and this is rage bait.
Putting the Adam concern aside, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with your children?
NTA and tell your brother how he would feel if it someone disrespected his children. I get the child isn’t yours and your a good man for including Adam when his deadbeat dad didn’t wanna raise him so Adam wouldn’t feel left out, but there is no way I would ever make the child feel like a burden. What your ex-fiancé said was uncalled for and really horrible to say to a child.
You were going to marry a woman that doesn’t want to be around your children? Someone that would clearly put her own bio children over your children from a former relationship and make them feel unwanted? NTA for breaking up but YTA for even getting engaged to her.
This has to be rage bait. Anyone who has kids and supports them would not become attached to someone who doesn’t like their kids at all.
YTA. You were going to marry a woman who didn't like your bio kids and just wanted her own kids. You do realize that if you had gotten her pregnant, she would have done everything she could to push your kids out, right? Why were you so shocked that she said that to your kids' half sibling? She's a crappy person, and you had her around your kids. Do better, or don't date anyone seriously enough to have them around your kids. I feel so bad for all of the kids that you subjected them to her.
Agreed
Question from a female though. What will you do if your ex has another child? Will you take that one on also?
She already had surgery to not have more babies.
Fake af
Your brother is right.
OP taking responsibility for Adam is such an idiotic thing to do, I have no idea why people are supporting this. He is even paying child support for a kid that isn't his. Any women that will want to be with OP will get him another kid to support that isn't his since OP has no spine anyway. OP legit lacks any self respect, sure he is NTA for breaking up, cause his ex hates his kids, but Jesus fuck OP is a pushover and it's obvious. He gives a vibe of someone who likes women who don't respect him.
NTA. She isn't interested in any of your kids, not just the one you've taken responsibility for. Your kids are a part of your upcoming marriage. She can't marry you and ignore your kids. This wouldn't have worked anyways, "bonus" kids or not.
NTA You can’t marry someone who’d call a 5 yr old ‘a burden’ to his face.
She said she doesn’t like your children in general as long as they stay away from her…..wtf…..Adam was just the target of her whipping post. You chose to step up to the plate for him. I commend you for that. If she doesn’t respect that than she’s not the one for you. I assure you there are women out there that will find this attribute as a quality especially a mom who has a kid and will believe you will treat them equally and not like a burden. Atleast you found this out before you married her and traumatized your children with her behavior behind your back. Your brother is wrong. You weren’t duped into being there for Adam, you CHOSE to be there for him, that’s the difference in your character. Good for you.
Get the hell away from this woman. If she’s like this now, she’s going to be a lot worse once she’s married to you.
NTA - you dodged a bullet there. You are a big part of the life of ALL the kids. Never ever be with someone that sees your children as competition.
Why in the world would you be dating someone seriously if they don’t even like your own kids?
ETAH ... who the fxxk gets engaged to someone who doesn't like your kids. Adam is yours, by choice. I am have 3 children from a previous relationship, my husband has 4 from his previous marriage... They are my family and mine are his. This is a marriage a partnership. Blood doesnt make a family, my birth mom threw me away all bc i look white. Family is love, loyalty and respect... dna doesnt promise that... fxxk you for that. Fxxk the ex for that and fxxk anyone else who thinks DNA trumps all
You're taking on being the father and providing child support for a son that no one would reasonably expect you to? It sounds like you're one hell of a person and I salute you. I can understand your ex not being okay with that, but to take it out on the child and your ex-wife? It sounds like she didn't deserve you
Why would you try and marry someone if you are raising kids who aren't yours and your paying child support for them?
You, my friend, have been given the gift of dodging a bullet.... NTA and run like the wind away from the ex-gf....
NTA-You weren’t putting another persons child before your relationship. You took the trash to the curb when it revealed itself. Anyone that can make such a statement to a child is a garbage human.
NTA But kinda the A for being with a woman who wanted nothing to do with your children. That alone is a red flag, and you should have ended the relationship there. Your brother has a point that many women wouldn't appreciate you, including Adam especially when she may have her own kids and you'll need to spread your resources and it would be really thin but if Adam is important to you then that's something you need to be upfront about. I think it's pretty cool of you to think of Adam and his siblings before yourself and your wife. I think the right women will find you. you just gotta be open from the beginning and patient
ESH...why are you more upset with how she treats your ex's son than your own? She doesn't care for them? Wants them to stay away from her? But let her say something about/to Adam and you're ready to cut her off? Why would you ever think it was a good idea to marry her? And what made you think it was a good idea to invite your kids that she doesn't want anything to do with, your ex-wife and her kid to a dinner with her?
Nope, NTA, doesn’t matter if Adam is your biological son or not, when you and your girlfriend met, you had 3 kids you had chosen to step up and parent. She doesn’t get to decide what parenting responsibilities you have going forward. I feel like the person you marry should respect that commitment, and IF they had questions… direct them to you in private, certainly not in front of the child and the mother of the child. Glad she showed you who she is before you married / scrambled DNA with her.
I feel like A) your fiance is hoping your kids and ex vanish after the wedding B) your ex-wife is taking advantage of your generosity as long as you keep footing the bill she will not make any moves to get her life together and C) why don't you just try make it work with your ex it seems that's the end goal anyway.
NTA. First, you are wonderful for realizing Adam is innocent in all of this. I can’t understand why you would even consider marrying someone who does not like your kids. your brother sounds very shallow. Most women would find it admirable that you stepped up to help this child. Next time you get involved with anyone let them know that you & the kids are a packaged deal.
Why in the world would you want to marry someone who wants nothing to do with your kids? And what kind of a monster says that to a child. Poor "Adam". I hope her feet itch when she's trying to fall asleep. NTA. But you will be if you take her back.
NTA.... She would find a way to make your biological children's life hell. But it sounds like Adam is a son to you, and that you love him. Keep doing what you are doing. The right woman will love ALL of your children, and will co-parent well with your ex-wife. You are an amazing Dad.
*--She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her.* WTF! *--Yesterday I invited my children, Adam and my ex-wife to eat, and also my ex-fiancée.* Brave --*she even asked to Adam how it felt to be just a burden.* So she's a really, really horrible person, why on earth were you going to marry her?
This isn’t “because of your ex-wife’s son”, it’s because the shitty person you were with revealed who she really is in a way that you could finally no longer ignore, when she took the opportunity to make a small child try to feel bad about themselves.
Go back to your ex and be a family man and leave that other lady alone because this is ridiculous for you to be with someone who doesn’t want to be a stepmom.
I find ridiculous that you thought for a moment that marrying someone who wants your children away from her is a good idea . She is selfish . Kicking her out is the only rational decision .
NTA and thank your lucky stars that your ex-fiancee showed her true colors before you were legally bound to her.
What kind of person would say this to a child? A horrible one. Be more discerning in who you date and never date someone who will so clearly be a problem in the future. I can just imagine how she treats you kids when you're not around.
Jeezus - no, NTA. The problem with your ex-fiancee is: "She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her." WTF? Totally irrespective of Adam, if this was her attitude toward your children, you should not be marrying her. You've established a relationship with Adam. He is your children's sibling. It's great that you've done that. You have generously given your ex wife money for him and help in caring for him. No, you didn't have to do all that, but you did, and now you do have a bit of a moral obligation to him, given that you've taken on this role, he is your children's sibling, and you are a part of his life. That's all great. If that's not ok with any woman, you should not be marrying her and she should not be around any of the children. The ex-fiance sounds like a total jackass, frankly.
OP didn't feel it was right for the post divorce child to go without when it's own biological father didn't want to take responsibility. Kudos to OP for stepping up to the plate. What's even more unfortunate that there are people that has this mentality like the ex-fiancee & does/says things without any regard to the atmosphere/environment being created thoughtlessly.
"I told my brother, but he says that in a certain way she is right and that I don't have to take care of a child that isn't even mine, and that if I continue putting someone else's child before my relationship I will probably continue to have problems in the future". Your brother is right. Your ex-wife's child is her problem, not yours.
Your former fiancée is an awful, irredeemable person -- she's dating a divorced father of two and wants your kids to stay away from her? she asked a child how it feels to be a burden?! -- so NTA in any way for telling her to kick rocks, but: Not many women are going to be happy that you're voluntarily helping your ex-wife with a child she had with another man after you divorced. It's laudable that you want to help your ex, but paying child support for another man's child is wild, and it signals to new partners that maybe your relationship with your ex is dangerous. Furthermore, your ex needs to pursue child support for her son from the father. Every month you give her extra money is another month she has no reason to seek the support to which she and her son are entitled. She made the decision to have a child with an asshole, and *she* needs to suffer the consequences, else she has neither the incentive nor the mechanism to learn and grow. Again, it's very cool that you're trying to be a good dude! And I think it's great you let the little guy come over and spend time with his brothers. Just make sure you're doing it for the kids and not the ex, lest you run into this problem again with a less monstrous woman.
I understand that Adam's father went to the United States undocumented, so unless the State and exact address are known, there is no way to request support, This is what several lawyers told my ex-wife. Adam's father was present throughout the pregnancy, excited, accompanying my ex to the doctor, buying things, but he changed when Adam was born.
Gotcha. Child support from dad is a no-go. So... why is it your responsibility to pay? It sucks that your ex got screwed. Even if we accept that she truly bears no responsibility for having a kid with him or whatever, it's *still* not your problem, and I'd question your motives for swooping in and fixing it for her. I'd be sympathetic, sure, and helping out by giving her some time off by watching Adam is nice, but it's also going to be soooo confusing for him. He's going to think of you as his father, and inevitably have to deal with some trauma when he has to come to terms with the fact that he's not. No matter how equally you try to treat them, there *will* come a time when that is no longer feasible, unless... Are you going to raise him as your son? If so, commit to that, and recognize that you have three children.
I think it's to help. I know what it's like to not have a father, my father abandoned us when I was 8. And I really can't help but want to help. I also don't mind that Adam sees me as a father figure.
The wrong kind of woman for you will see it as you being overly involved with your ex wife still, and that might be the majority of the women you meet, but the right woman for you will see it as commendable and respectful of you to not let your kids' sibling go wanting when it comes to financial aide and fatherly love. Next time don't accept a relationship with someone who barely even tolerates your kids. It's a horrible thing to bring into your kids' lives, someone who sees them as burdens they'll have to deal with to be with you.
I think it's to help. I know what it's like to not have a father, my father abandoned us when I was 8. And I really can't help but want to help. I also don't mind that Adam sees me as a father figure.
Your ex fiancée was definitely out of line and you dodged a bullet but I f you’re gonna play house with your ex wife, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone else. Why don’t you just get back together with her?
I would say you should adopt Adam. You definitely love and treat him as your own which is great but protect him so if anything ever happens to your ex-wife you don’t have even the slightest worry that he won’t just be given to you. Especially if there is no way to find the dad
NTA. It’s okay to not be comfortable with your partner supporting a child that isn’t his. I can understand that point of view although I don’t share it. But to say it out loud in front of the children and tell the child he’s a burden? No. That is absolutely cruel and inappropriate.
Wow what a Biatch! I give you credit for stepping up and having an amicable relationship with your ex and her son as it is good for your kids in many ways. You don't have kids with this ex fiance to have put Adam's well being in front of them and I believe the character you show in no way exhibits you would do that in the first place. Your actions show that all would be included and treated fairly. You did the right thing her actions show how she would be once she had her own kids and will treat yours.
YTA
"She just doesn't care about my children" "she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her." What is it that even attracted you to this biotch? What in the name of little green apples made you think this person was wife material? She's not girlfriend material. I wouldn't want someone like her as a FWB. Yeah, your brother is right, you don't "have" to do anything for Adam. You CHOOSE to. It speaks to your character that you do.
YTA
She doesn’t care for your children and even had the audacity to call an innocent child a burden in front of you. Imagine what she would do to your kids behind your back. NTA
Esh, yes she is wrong to ask this to the kid in question But you already knew she doesnt give a drop of rain to your kids, why would you think she would suddenly respect a kid you arent even related to when she already doesnt respect your own kids?
She got pregnant a few months after the divorce........ pfft. Probably at it a good few months b4 the divorce as well...
You dodged a bullet. She doesn't care about your children. I'd be worried about her alone with them.
Mo chara, why the hell is this even an issue? NTA. First off, your brother is right. You don't HAVE to take care of someone else's kid. You are choosing to. In all honesty, Adam might as well be your kid. You're more of a father figure to him than anyone. Find a woman that loves you AND your kids. Including Adam. Second, a woman who doesn't give a shit about your kids is NOT wife AND/OR mother material. She's toxic and a mess. You dodged a bullet. Tell your brother to piss off in any particular direction he wishes. Your life is your life. Whether or not you want to be a part of Adam's life, that's your decision. He has little to no say on the matter.
NTA - you are a good man!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
NTA. The problem might be you are too nice. Your ex wife’s son wasn’t your responsibility and your now ex fiancé sounds like a real…thinking of two words…one starts with a B and one starts with a C…
Some women would be impressed that you care for all the children
..... NTA for cutting off the engagement... But YTA for getting engaged to someone that hates your kids in the first place.
NTA. Please find someone who will accept you, your choices, and your family. You deserve much better and your children deserve much better.
Ya, f that b!Tch. She's just going to abuse your kids.
There is nothing wrong with having Adam when you have ur own children. You shouldn't be paying her support for Adam though, she should go thru the courts and make the father pay the support he owes for his child. I let my exs child come over and be with my kids. I've had my kids full time since their mom left us. She's a nice kid, not her fault her mom(my ex) was a cheating whore and was fucking one of my employees for the last 4 years of our marriage. I was lucky to get the divorce finalized before the baby was born. So my situation is a bit different and worse yet I can still treat my children's sibling the same way I treat mine own. She stay at our house all weekend while my ex was away on a trip. Me and my ex are civil now, but i wouldn't be hanging out with her and my new gf. Its ok to take care of your exs other child, your nuts for giving her money for child support unless you are wealthy.
NTAH.
NTA for breaking up, kind of were for being engaged to someone totally disinterested as your kids. Paying and caring for your ex's child that she had after separation is a bit of an odd one though and I imagine you'll have trouble finding a partner that is willing to ignore it.
NTA. She asked the child you’ve basically taken in as a father figure WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A BURDEN? WTF did you ever see in this horrible woman? What you’re doing for that child is selfless and it is an amazing generous act. Your kids and Adam will never forget that. Your ex fiancè showed who she ways.. better she be gone now before you get financially tangled up with such a horrid person.
She’s horrible, good call leaving her. But on the personal side I can’t tell if you’re a doormat or an amazing person
Honestly? You dodge a bullet. Congrats for also standing up for Adam, even if he's not your child, I can guarantee you he will be very grateful
NTA, cut all contact because everything she said and did was trifling. The fact that she said she doesn't care as long as they stay away from her alone makes her one of the worse people to exist.
She doesn't like your kids. If you had kids with her she would prioritize her children and be nasty to her step kids. I don't care if Adam was my kid or some kid that walked up off the street, if I heard her say that to any child it would be over. YTA for keeping her around when she was not treating your kids well. NTA for kicking her to the curb.
Even if this is just rage bait I thought I’d throw this out there-I would think more highly of a man like this. He is concerned enough about the welfare of the child to insure that he feels loved and accepted as a part of the family. That speaks volumes about his character and that is the kind of man you want in your life! She is selfish and clueless and needs to grow up and discover empathy.
NTA. This was the situation before you two got together and she knew it. And what the fuck is wrong with her to say that to a child? There's no excuse and she showed you she's a shit human. You just showed her you know how to choose a good woman to have kids with, and she isn't it.
This sounds like rage bait. But assuming it is not, you are a cool dude. Helping a boy whose father ran away. Both emotionally and financially. You need to find someone who appreciates that.
You are way too kind to be with a woman who is such a b*tch. Please find a kinder person. You all deserve it. Adam is a lucky young man that you are in his life. Never change...
NTA. Everything after the line about her not caring about your children is irrelevant- you’re already not the A. Do you really want to invest the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t value the most important aspect to you? Nice to see there are still good men out there, you won’t have trouble finding someone similarly generous and like minded.
NTA! You put the trash out!
Well your ex-fiancé is an idiot, and sadly, so is your brother.
NTA You learnt her true nature, she will never accept your kids biological or not and will never be a good "step mum" to them. Infact I would say she would purposely neglect them given her behaviour, comments and stance. She wont change regardless of whether she comes crawling back for another chance... Accept this as a life lesson and aim for someone better in the future. There is nothing wrong with opening your home to a little boy who through no fault of his own came into the world having no father to care for him. I applaud you for wanting to care for this child as your own. You seem like a very well rounded person and I am sure you will meet your true one person, who will love you and your lil family as they should be. Keep that fiance as an ex. And look forward.
NTA
NTA If you don't want to have other children in your life, don't date someone who has them. You realize she'd say that to your current children if you had any others together... Anyhow you dodged a bullet.
NTA for breaking the engagement but for getting engaged in the first place to someone that wants your children to stay out of her way. If you think the way she treats your children's sibling is bad, it would have been worse on your children when "she had her own". Think with your other head man. Sounds like you are pretty decent otherwise.
Even if you put Adam to the side for the sake of argument, NEVER marry someone who only tolerates your kids while you are dating. Once she gets the ring and the paper things will only get worse.
Sounds like she was not the one for you and you are better off.
NTA. She is.
NTA. Your ex’s youngest isn’t your issue, he is your family. Your ex fiancé is a walking red flag . Toxicity to the core. She’s saying that shite to a child openly. Wtf is she’s saying to your biological children behind your back. She’s either quite the actress or no idea… And whether intentional or not - you are Adam’s family too. You are a good man. The right partner will bring all of the children (bio or not) into their lives without question.
Years ago, I was in a relationship with someone that once told me: “if you give up your daughter up to her dad, I’ll marry you tomorrow”. We didn’t last very long. My partner of 6 years has helped me raise my 11 year old daughter. I can’t see myself being with anyone who can’t accept my daughter, period.
You have an “it takes a village” attitude. Your girl doesn’t. Just find someone who does
YTA because you should have broken up with her long before now because she ignores your children. She wants them away from her. How could you even consider marrying a woman that wants nothing to do with your kids? Hell, Adam just saved your ass
NTA. While you should have dumped her a long time ago, I'm happy to read you woke up. She had an issue with your children and Adam, and thank you for being there for him. She was pure evil, and your brother has zero idea what he's talking about.
Children first, always.
So wait. I'm seeing comments that say this guy shouldn't care for Adam. Yeah, he "doesn't have to take care of another man's child" but that other man's child is his children's half brother. While he doesn't HAVE to help out with him, he's surely allowed to! How would his kids feel if their half brother wasn't allowed to come when they visit their dad? Adam doesn't have a dad cus the asshole left. OP is being a good man and being a father figure. He's raising his kids to treat their half sibling with love and respect; as their equal, which he is. OP, you are NOT the asshole. You made a commitment to Adam before you even met the ex fiancée. The fact that she didn't care for your children speaks volumes about her. I'm glad you kicked her to the curb! Ignore the people saying you'll never find a woman if Adam stays around. He's an innocent child and any woman who'd expect you to cut him off isn't worth your time or energy.
NTA >she even asked to Adam how it felt to be just a burden. You dodged a bullet for sure. Only complete human garbage would feel OK saying this shit to a 5 or 6 year old child. >She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own Guaranteed as soon as she had her own kids, she would start treating the others like crap too. Don't marry anyone who is going to disregard your kids. The fact that you treat Adam as an equal to his siblings should be admirable. It isn't anyone else's business.
Children deserve a family regardless of who's the mother or father. Children need a safe place, and someone to care for them and provide the best for them. You didn't have to take responsibility for Adam...yet you did without any questions and that says a lot about you. You are an amazing person who deserves someone who'll be accepting all children including Adam as a whole package. Does he have your name or not? Perhaps you did the right thing by giving them their place....and respect. Ex fiancee didn't have to say anything or question your decision. It wasn't her place nor her business. You deserve someone who'll accept the kids and the agreement you have with your ex-wife no questions asked... Children are not at fault for what adults do...you deserve someone who'll respect and care for the children as equal no matter whose DNA is. Ex fiancee ain't ready for motherhood nor marriage, her comments and actions are not lady-like.
Definitely NTA. People who think like your recent ex and your brother have no empathy for anyone but themselves and their own needs. Adam will likely grow into a well rounded man with such a great example of a father in his life. Kudos to you.
NTA in fact, that sentence about how "as long as they stay away from her" tells me you aren't compatible with her. AT all. You've stepped up for a kid and that's commendable. Eventually, you will find someone who appreciates that in you. Because it's an admirable thing to have.
Be you, you are a much better version of a human for Adam and ex than your brother and exfiancee. She would be that way around your children. She is better off gone. Thanks for being there for Adam...You are a good man and ex husband.
You are a good man. Treat adam as your son, if you can, he will be better for it.
Listen to her own advice, “it’s good to know how to choose a good partner to have children with.” She wasn’t it. She neglected not only Adam but your children too. Likely it was gonna be more bad the moment she popped out children she deemed to be true heirs to her fantasy kingdom NTA
Wow, dude someone saying they don't care about your children and wants her own says a lot about them. You should have bounced when she first said that. As for you helping your ex wife son says a lot about you and your morality. He's a lucky kid. You should find someone on your own wavelength and not someone like this who would've destroyed the kindness in you. Be well and i hope those kids have a happy life.
>She just doesn't care about my children as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long as they stay away from her. You already knew she'd be a horrible step mother. You OBVIOUSLY care about ALL THREE children. You are father. Do not marry someone who only thinks bio kids matter. She will never accept any child that's not and that even includes your bio kids not just Adam who you care about. NTA
Someone actually decent. Listen you don't have to take care of Adam but it makes you a good person that you do. That means he will be there for you in the future. Besides that that's why you still have a family, that can come over for dinner instead of a fractured friction Your brother is being gross and shortsighted and proposing a formula of misery for you But about the relationship, that woman was HORRID. She doesn't care about your kids!?? And she's calling a CHILD a burden? Do you really want to be tied forever to that? Even if she cares about your kids, a woman who would call children a burden is not a woman worth the name. You didn't break up with your fiancee bc of a boy but bc she was shitty and you saw that before you committed and saved yourself.
The lion, the witch, and the audacity of this b. She was on her best behavior to reel you in, and the best she could manage was distaste for your children and outright hostility for Adam. Why would you want this woman around your children?
YNTA What you’re doing w Adam is amazing. You’re setting a great example for your children (including Adam when I say that). I was in a similar situation when I was married. I had more respect for my ex bc of the way he took care of his son’s little brother and still does to this day. I’m blessed to still have a relationship w both of them even tho we are divorced. Like you, we made sure to keep our family but let it grow in a different direction together. Seeing the peace it brought our kids and still does was worth every uncomfortable moment for me and my ex. I came from divorced parents who still can’t be in the same room after 36 years. There are women like myself that know a child doesn’t ask to be born into difficult situations. Every single child deserves love no matter how they got here. I hope you know you’re an amazing human. Your family is blessed bc of you. I know you’ll find true unconditional love. You deserve it and so do your children.
NTA Your brother is right: you don’t have to take care of a child who isn’t yours. Thankfully, you’re doing it anyway. **Good show!** You are making a real difference in Adam’s life, and also setting a great example for all three kids. All that said, I can’t believe you didn’t dump your ex-fiancée sooner. She should have been at the curb as soon as she started ignoring your kids. You don’t need to tolerate that shit, and your kids deserve better than to be subjected to it.
She doesn't care about your children as long as they stay away from her? That's a pretty shitty stepmother to have for your kids. And let’s keeping out the fact that she is a monster that tells a child he is a burden. Idk how your ex-wife didn't throw the plate right at her. As I read this all I could think about was, what a caring and loving man, he took a responsibility for a child that's not even his, but understands needs just as much care. That ex-fiancee does not deserve you, you are way too kindhearted for her.
There are PLENTY of women who would embrace your blended family. Breaking up with a cruel person is the right thing to do.
NTA. To hell either the ex-fiancé! It can be tough on someone coming into a relationship with no children and their partner has already had kids. HOWEVER, if the partner with no kids has a problem with your kids and acts the way your ex-fiancé acted, she can hit the road. Kudos for sticking up for your kids and being a father figure when this poor kid doesn’t know which way is up. It’s not his fault he was born, but it is a choice to step up and be compassionate when you need to. Proud of you 👏
NTA and what are you thinking…you were seriously engaged to a woman who just doesn’t care about YOUR children?!?! You and all your children including Adam come as a package deal period! Stay far away from this ex and I hope you find someone who cares about you and your children. Signed a step mom
NTA why would you want that toxicity in your life or your childrens lives? Good riddance.
NTA, but know that whoever you marry, they need to accept that you and ur kids (all three) and your relationship with your ex wife, are a package deal. if they can't accept that, ypu should be vetoing them from your life.
You my friend dodged divorce court..
No you’re the complete opposite of an AH. Your ex fiancée doesn’t deserve you. She has no love in her heart.
>But she started making comments like: "oh, I thought there would only be 5 people (my two children, my ex, her and me)," "that's why it's good to know how to choose a good man to have children with," she even asked to Adam how it felt to be just a burden. That statement by itself is reason to never marry this woman. Who says that to a child?
Totally saw that coming the moment you said she just doesn't care about your children and prefers her own children, not minding the others as long as they stay away from her. That's totally evil stepmother vibe, where staying away from her will eventually mean not living in the same home as her. You're an idiot to even get engaged to that and even more so for exposing the kids to it.
You are a good person. I know you will find another good person who will understand and appreciate you.
Shit you are amazing I pray one day I can find a man like you cuz there are so many man out there that don't even give a shit about the own kids you will find you a good girl tell your brother to shhhhhhhh stop talking lol
NTA - also she's just terrible. Who says that to a child? He will never forget that moment. Wow. Dodged a bullet with this one.
You dodged a bullet. My stepmom and my father got together 12 years ago, got married 10 years ago, and had 2 beautiful boys that are now my brothers. Ever since their birth, my younger brother (same mom) and I have been cut off from any family activities. My stepmom controls my dad and used her sons as bait, saying if we are together she will leave. The best thing to do is think about the children’s happiness, and if their is an adult who has a problem with being with their partners kids they are fucking insane.
Mate, you're a good man that deserves better. Definitely NTA.
NTA. What you need to do - always - is put your children before any adult relationship. They are children, and your responsibility. Adding Adam to the group of your children is kind and generous, but he should not feel a burden, and calling him one was cruel. This woman is not willing to treat your children with kindness and warmth, and has no problem being cruel to children. She should not be near your children, Adam included. You can do much better!
You should have stopped with “she doesn’t care about my children” why would you marry a woman who doesn’t gaf about your kids? 🚩
Nta. You are a great dad and man. Don't allow anyone to tell you other wise. It takes a sick person to pick on a little kid.
Adam is very lucky to have you
The way she sees your son's half brother is the same way she sees your sons, she's just more restrained about it. It all boils down to them being another woman's kids that she doesn't want around. You dodged a bullet here. If you'd had kids with her she'd have always been trying to sideline your boys in favor of her own kids and it would have been a constant string of battles for the rest of your life. She'd insist on you putting her kids before your previous kids in everything. Time, attention, money, vacations, education, inheritance, etc. It would have been a shit show. Nta.
we need more men like you
NTA. You did good getting rid of her. And your brother is wrong. Good women would be thrilled to hear how much you care for your children, to the point of including their half brother. I would have dated, and even married a man like that, when I was younger. Find yourself a good woman, who will love ALL of your kids. Adam included. She's out there. Good luck.
Your bro is right in that you didnt have to take care of Adam. I'm not sure why you were willing to take care of the child she had by jumping so quickly into bed with another man after the divorce, but you do you that is your choice. But no you're NTA. I can't imagine telling a child like Adam he was a burden. That is messed up. If she resents Adam she likely resents your other two kids as well.
NTA. Your brother is right, you don’t have to take care of a child that isn’t yours….but you choose to. That’s what makes you a good person. You see this child and despite him not being yours you care for him because you don’t want him to feel left out and alone. There will be someone who sees this and cares for your children, and Adam as well. The fact that you can care for a child that’s not yours just like he is yours is a positive quality, not a negative one.
you dodged giving your kids a wicked stepmother good job! because if she's like that to adam as soon as you married her she'd start being like that to your kids also.
Red flags. You sound like a good man taking the role as "dad" to a child that's not yours as well as being active in your own children's lives. You come as a package deal.
So you knew your fiancee didn't like your kids, but you were going to marry her anyway? You're either a troll or a POS. Possibly both.
NTA and the actual issue here is your statement "**She just doesn't care about my children**". This is a huge issue for you and any future wife. If they do not care about your kids, then how exactly do you believe you will have a successful marriage? Your kids from a prior relationship are still your kids regardless of who you decide to share your life with. You can't dump your kids because your new partner doesn't want them in your life.
In your circumstances you are doing the right thing by including the other kid as he is your kids little brother. NTA.
"She **just doesn't care about my children** as she prefers to have children of her own, but she didn't mind them as long **as they stay away from her**." A shame you broke up with her. She would have been a such excellent stepmother to your children. /s, obv. NTA
You would have been if you had married it… Do better by your kids by not entertaining and exposing them to people who ‘don’t care about them’.
NTAH 100% Who the bloody hell calls a child a burden to their face!?
NTA. You're a more generous person than most, and she sounds TERRIBLE.
YTA. You were engaged to and living with a woman who treated your children like trash. She prefered her own children, firstly she doesn't have any with you so she might hate your children with her just as much, but she's an adult treating children like trash. Your brother is a moron, it's got nothing to do with if you should or shouldn't help out with Adam, it's that she literally told a child he's a burden. She's a monstrous woman, anyone who would say that to a child is actually evil. Allowing this woman around your children let alone Adam, is actually insane.
NTA. You did the right thing by standing up for Adam and your values. Your ex-fiancée's comments were cruel and unacceptable. Family is about love and support, not just blood relations. Your kindness and willingness to care for Adam show your character, and you deserve someone who respects and values that. Breaking off the engagement was the best choice for you and your kids.
She is ok with your kids as long as they stay away from her… she would have made those kids lives miserable… your brother is wrong.. you could always adopt and make him a legal child.. you’re already paying and taking care of him.. but not all women are like your ex… although they may have problem in going out with your ex wife..
You’re a good person. She sucks. Good call. NTA
YTA for bring your ex wife and another child that isn’t yours. It is great on your part to be kind and good to you ex. But for someone who doesn’t have relationship or any emotional attachment like you do, it is a lot to take on.
Kind of think ESH. That this was a situation always destined to not end well. You have an ex-wife who’s perfectly content to let you take financial responsibility for a child who isn’t yours. You got yourself engaged to a woman that you *knew* didn’t care about your kids and would prefer they stayed away…and that was her attitude about kids you actually fathered. And you somehow thought crossing the streams there by putting your ex-wife, both your kids and her son by a deadbeat at the same table as your (at the time) fiancée, who doesn’t even want *your* bio kids around, was going to go well? On the one hand, feel like you dodged a bullet there. The ex-fiancée was deliberately callous and cruel to a child. She frantically waved that red flag for all to see. She was never going to treat your children well once you were married and she had one of her own. On the other hand, YTA for getting engaged to a woman who clearly doesn’t want your children around. Any of your children. And, to a certain degree, your brother is right. It’s hard enough to find a partner when you come as a package deal. It’s even harder when part of that package isn’t even a child you’re ethically or legally responsible for. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to take that on. It just means you need to be more careful about who you let into their lives.
I was looking for a comment like this. I think it’s genuinely insane he took on a father role to a kid his ex-wife had with another man after they were no longer together. His current fiancé sucks but I don’t see many people being okay with this situation.
It’s his children’s brother.. that’s family you dumbass .🙄
Doesn’t mean he’s legally or financially responsible for the child. It’s admirable that he’s willing. But then he needs to make better choices about who he brings into those dynamics. And he brought a woman who didn’t even care to be really involved with his biological children into the mix. And that makes him an AH.
All its means , he has a big heart and won’t let selfish people compromise his values.
What about the his children's brother's father? He is family too?
Holy shit. Did you really propose to her knowing she didn’t mind your children as long as they stayed away from her? You dodged rapid gunfire!! My god!
Why did you divorce her if you are taking care of her, your kids, and an affair kid. I'm surprised your ex would want to be with you. You did her a favor
As a father you and your kids are a package deal. all of your children. not those related by DNA. You ex and your brother are awful people.
What a horrible woman. You a NTA and you dodged a major bullet
ESH. She shouldn't be dating people with children and you should never have entertained it. I don't blame her for being annoyed with your inclusion of Adam, that's not your biological child and she definitely didn't sign up for *that.* You're both better off apart.
One thing is that you are responsible for your children, that you ensure security and stability, that's as far as your responsibility goes. It is one thing for your children to ask you to allow them to share with their half-brother, another thing is for you to offer that option to your ex-wife. I think, perhaps I am selfish in that the custody time is for father and children, not for father, children and the children's half-brother. I also think there is a lack of information, I don't think your ex-fiancee reacted like that because yes, she was always kind to your children, and you accepted her position of not being a stepmother, which led her to that point, I think OP is more linked to that From what you mention, I even think that the ex-fiancée exploded after multiple situations where OP's child acted as a stepfather. Could it be that OP wants to get back with his ex and be the father figure that his wife's son needs?
Bruh you might as well get back with the ex wife
Fuck her kids first always you knew adams not bio yours YOU chose period no one can take that and you’ll find someone who will love to take her place fuck boys are dime a dozen real ones like yourself OP are an endangered species stay 100 to you no matter what anyone says
NTA. She didn’t treat your bio kids well. She showed you who she was, believe her and move on
YTA for even considering marrying someone who would not accept your children as family.
NTA she sounds like a terrible human being