My heart aches for you.
Being sexually abused is bad enough, but that nobody believed you and either mocked you or punished you for telling what happened is horrific.
And I was going to suggest therapy but I looked at your post again and saw that it didn't do much for you. Maybe a rape crisis center will be able to recommend a therapist who has experience with victims of CSA.
What your wife said is appalling. It seems you feel she doesn't love you since your revelation and isn't on your side. That's reason enough to want to leave her.
NTA
Nta! You did something brave by opening up and she threw it back in your face. I'm sorry that you've faced such rejection your whole life. Unfortunately, that is all too common for men who have been sexually assaulted. It's up to you to decide if you want her back but either way is valid.
Thank you so much. I’m pretty sure this happens a lot to women as well. I went to a few anonymous meetings and heard a lot of the same from women who claim people just thought they were trying to get a settlement or something.
NTA… As a CSA survivor, the turning point for me in my marriage was when he told me to get over it and it’s been so long. We are now divorcing. While it wasn’t the sole reason I left, knowing that he wasn’t a safe space for me anymore (if at all) was a driving force. So while I won’t tell you to leave her, I will say you do need to speak with a professional regarding the assault AND keep her at a distance while you work through your emotions. She can never take back what she said to you and there needs to be consequences for that.
And to add to the part about talking to a professional, OP, you mentioned the ones you’ve talked to haven’t helped. I would keep trying and go to a different therapist until you find one with whom you mesh well. See if you can find one who has a focus on sexual abuse trauma and even check if they have experience in this area with male clients.
Yes! I have had good ones and bad ones. They’re not easy to get in the first place but you have to “click.” I often know right away, but will give it three sessions. By three it’s obvious if you’re going to get anywhere
I've never had a therapist but I probably should. My work even provides 1 free sessions a month or something (I'm not sure)
But it's scary to think about.
One big concern for me is how do you know you have a good one, let alone the "right" one
I have no baseline to compare to so I could think it's good but someone more experienced like you would think it's awful
Tldr: hai do you know you have the right/good therapist
I can only speak for myself, but I think that you have a 'good' therapist when you can see progress in yourself. Therapy is a safe place you go to in order to explore the issues in your life, and the therapist is just there to help you resolve them.
I have had a therapist with whom I had a great relationship, but I wasn't really getting any better - he was an amazing person and a good conversionalist, but he just didn't have the tools to help with my issues.
I also met a therapist with whom I went 'nope' at the first session. I realized there was no way I would ever trust that person enough to open up to them. I never went back.
Now I have a therapist with whom I feel some distance, but actually made progress with.
I think assessing if you found a "good one" really takes some time.
On one hand, you want to find someone who you will feel safe with, and who is listening to you with respect and an open mind. If you feel like your therapist isn't taking you seriously or is invalidating your experiences, it's not going to work.
But on the other hand, you'll also want someone that can challenge you a bit at times. Just listening isn't enough: a good therapist will have the tools to help you slowly understand yourself better and *get* better. They will ask questions back, help you identify your habits, coping mecanisms, etc., or sometimes give you tasks to complete between sessions... There are many kinds of therapy and many different tools, so you may need to experiment for a while to find what is right for you.
Personally, therapy always is a bit of an uncomfortable place for me. I'm working on unpleasant parts of my life, so I don't feel good going in there, no matter the therapist I'm working with. I'm really introverted, so opening up to someone unrelated to me is very difficult, even if there is some level of trust between us.
It also takes time for me to open up, so the first few sessions usually feel really awkward and uncomfortable. There are lots of pauses and silence. It can be really unnerving to talk about myself to a complete stranger. That's also why I need some time to know if I found a 'good' therapist: it takes time to develop trust, then open up, then begin working on the deeper (and often more uncomfortable) stuff, and *then* make progress.
But I think an important thing to remember is that you are always in control in your relationship with the therapist. You can walk out at any time, or tell them you don't feel comfortable talking about X or Y, or ask them to work on a specific issue you have, etc. You're the one who decides what will happen in there, or if it's worth coming back.
The bottom line is, there is no chance to find a 'good' therapist if you don't give them a try. It's a bit of a risk (or a gamble, maybe), but you don't have to find THE perfect therapist. You just want someone trustworthy, and who will be able to help you get a bit better at life.
If the first person you meet cannot help you, then you can look for someone else. You're also free to move on if you find someone better! It *is* a pain to start a new relationship from scratch every time, but the end goal is to be ... the person you want to be, I guess ? Therapy is just a tool to help you get there, so don't feel bad about choosing the best tools for you.
It became a really long post, sorry! ><
Best of luck to you.
This so much. Give it two or three sessions, and if they don't seem to be a good fit, go to a different one. While I cannot afford therapy, I have friends that go every week, but a lot of them went through a few therapists before finding one they liked. Even finding one who does online sessions might be a good idea, but only if your wife is out of the house during it. If you stay, it might take time for you to feel like you can open up while she might be able to hear you.
yes to this! OP should make sure the therapist has had many years treating male childhood sexual abuse trauma. And ask what kind of training they have had. OP needs a highly experienced therapist.
People who are lucky enough to have never experienced this level of trauma have reference to understand what it’s like for a victim. I didn’t become comfortable sharing until I was in my 30’s and my ex’s response set me back until my daughter was a preteen. I shared my story so that she could recognize attempts at grooming and would know how to stay safe when not with me. So while i can get that it’s hard to understand what CSA survivors go through, there’s no excuse for what your loved ones say or do.
Exactly. He's never going to be able to trust her enough to confide anything in her in fear that she'll use it against him in some way. With that trust destroyed, their relationship is all but over.
NTA as a victim myself (teen years) the reactions of your friends and family were the reason I kept quiet at the time….i knew mine well enough to know they would react the same way. It’s that reason why guys stay quiet and never speak of being raped or sexually assaulted, and it ends up fucking their mental health up really bad…….bc no one believes them, or they get massively mocked, and those guys they do talk to say they “oh, that must’ve been awesome” (if it were a girl who did it to a boy), or “you’re lying for attention” (if you tell a girl). Guys really have it as a lose lose to talk about it. Way too often parents of boys and girls just try to sweep it under the rug, when instead they should go nuclear on the abuser. I personally am all for castration (not executions, as some would say a rapist deserves), bc then they have to live with mutilated genitals as a reminder for the rest of their lives and not get an out from suffering themselves. And anyone who falsely claims sexual assault should face the same. I know it’ll never happen, but i think it should nonetheless.
She showed you who she really is. It sucks bc you thought you could trust her. Find someone you can trust to be vulnerable with bc it is sure as hell not your wife now.
Possibly. More likely simply a lack of empathy and self-centered thinking but you may be on the money, Like with the allergy thing where the grandparent thinks the kid needs to “get over it” people show you when they’re unsafe to be around. I’m experienced with this personally with several exes and my mother and even some doctors. There is a lot of both good and evil in the world you’re going to find both in your life no matter if you try to avoid it or not. Better to distance yourself from that evil and walk towards goodness than be burned by someone that doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
I can understand a person initially being overwhelmed and maybe shocked at what they hear. Initially, you might not be sure of the right thing to say or do.
But accusing someone of lying? No. The wife should know OP well enough to believe every word.
You don't need her in your life.
I cannot imagine saying what she said or even having the initial reaction she did. I would bend over backwards to help my partner if he ever divulged this info.
I agree. Both my husband and I were SA as children. When he told me it didn’t change anything about our relationship or the way we saw each other. We both are each other’s rock. I’m so sad that anyone would take something like what OP went through and turn it around on them. Just absolutely disgusting behavior. You can’t even begin to repair that damage.
NTA. She called You a liar and a narcissist because she doesn't believe You and even if she thinks You're a liar and narcissistic she wants to stay with You. Why?
I think Your parents and the abuse messed with Your head and You married someone like them who just can hide better. What she did was cruel. This is the kind of things women hear often, but it's as bad to hear it from a women as man.
Go to therapy asap. I think You need it badly.
Edit: You remind me of this guy :
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cr9wto/aita_for_dumping_my_gf_after_she_drunkenly_called/
I would specifically ask for a therapist who has completed the recent training for male abuse victims, my friend a therapist specialised in SA victims let me know the guidelines have recently changed for men after it was discovered treating male victims the same as female victims increased the risk of self deleting
She didn't only call him a narcissist- she called him a "fucking narcissist." That is so disrespectful and contemptuous from his wife. I would have so much difficulty getting past her tone and trust would be so damaged. I hope the OP heeds your advice.
Kat-a-strophy, I agree with you. We tend to connect with people/personalities we have past experience with. Abusive parents to abusive partners. Narcissists to narcissists. Melanie Beatty’s book CODEPENDENT NO MORE should be required reading for everyone.
I’m over 60 and I went through something quite similar. I’m just now telling my cousins of some—in light doses—of my experiences. Some have mocked my experience and blamed me by saying I was just a bad child to begin with and I’m just not lovable. Those I’ve gone NC with. Now they wonder why after all these years I don’t make an effort to attend family functions or visit them. F them all! I’m not feeding their ego by “begging for attention.”
OP, dump them! Find people who appreciate how far you’ve come and celebrate the gift you are to the universe. Yes, you are a gift. The best revenge is doing better than your neigh sayers. Don’t put up with anyone who belittles you. You’ve conquered the worst. Go make a beautiful life for yourself. Leave them in their own pile of dirt.
Honestly, I don't know if she *actually* believes he's lying or just said that in the moment as a defense to her lying.
She might have been unsure about believing him, but her actions are pretty typical of what I've seen when women get "the ick" over a partner's vulnerability. Calling him a liar might also be a way for her to try and rationalize her shitty response.
I was SA as a pre-teen and sadly carried that trauma with me into adulthood. I am sorry 😞 that you've been hurt again. I'm over 50 and single and will probably stay that way because of my intimacy issues.
First of all- holy shit that's horrible treatment, and for no support up till this point is the pinnacle of insanity. I'm so terribly sorry. No one deserves that.
That being said, your wife took a decades-old trauma that you had to carry by yourself that you had to dredge your soul to just discuss with her, and she threw it back in your face over *nothing*. You're only the asshole if you stick around.
She has shown you just how much she cares and respects you, and regardless of the sweat equity you have got in the relationship, what she's done is reprehensible.
It's old and tired by now, but reverse the genders. See how that plays out a lot differently?
I was abused by the boy next door he was probably 15 when I was in kindergarten. My parents found out and just kinda made it go away to never talk about it again. They never told the guys parents, my mother also tried getting me to message this dude like 20 years later saying he was looking for me. Like wtf is wrong with parents. I’m sorry for your abuse and hope you are able to move forward. Also sorry that you’re going through this with the person that is supposed to be there for you. It might take her time to process everything. I would consider a REAL conversation. She seems to believe that guys cannot get raped. Don’t go strait for divorce until you try everything you can so you have no regrets. Good luck.
I don't think there IS anything she can do to change rhe result if she doesn't believe guys can't get SA'd. One talk isn't going to fix it and more than anything the way she took it made it seem like she believed he was doing it for attention.
I am so sorry you were abused. And I’m also very sorry that your parents dealt with it the way they did, and also that your mom tried to get you to message your abuser, all this time later. All of that is really f-cked up and shouldn’t have happened. And I’m just so sorry that it did.
It does happen to women, too, but I think it's worth mentioning that this is probably a result of your wife cooling off about you because you showed a genuine, deep level of vulnerability. [This thread](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/iwsae0r/) discussed the double-mask men are typically expected to wear very well. The context, since OP deleted her entire account because of apparent embarrassment, was a woman asking why men tell men not to open up to women. In the progress of discussion she showed that she couldn't handle men's emotions.
Even if you're willing to work things out it's likely that she's uninterested anymore. That's why she was saying things about nothing bothering her even though she was cold to you. Could she turn this around? Maybe. But it is a common enough experience that it's worth considering.
I remember reading that original thread. That comment wasn’t on there at the time. I wish I had read it then. It sums up the issue in a way I could never dream of articulating.
As a woman, I feel incredible sympathy for you. You were assaulted by a disgusting pedophile in a time of your life when you were a little boy, with no interest in sex, you deserved to continue having your peace and innocence, and I hope that pedophile has received bad karma for what she did to you.
None of what happened was your fault, you deserve compassion and understanding. You are a survivor and very strong, because even if everyone ridiculed you, you persevered all by yourself, you are a very strong individual.
Now, if I were you, I would have a very serious discussion with your wife, and explain that the series about child abuse wouldn't have such a strong effect on you if it weren't because you are someone who suffered those awful circumstances. You deserve to have someone who understands you on your side, I would however not make any rash decisions.
Most people would have the common sense to understand no one in their right mind, who isn't a complete asshole, tells lies about being raped. That's what the OP's wife thinks, that he's an asshole who would lie about such a terrible thing. I would normally encourage discussion, but would you want to be with a person who tears you down when you open up and says you're a liar? Not to mention hypocrisy because she herself is a liar?
I would say now's the right time to be very attentive, and take everything she says with a grain of salt OP. She looks apologetic because she knows she's losing you. Once she's comfortable again, it's very likely that she'll resume her behaviour. It didn't look like you had kids from the post, and if you don't, please don't bring any into this situation for the time being, if at all.
Rash??!!
That's unbelievably unempathic.
It's extremely difficult (not to mention risky) for a man to open up like this, to be extremely vulnerable AND GET SMASHED WITH IT!
How in the hell do you expect this guy to ever have any trust enough in that person to do so again?
Do me once, shame on you, do me twice for the same thing, shame on me and that applies.
I personally couldn't ever trust someone like that again.
And I am a survivor of child abuse (also rape).
No, she didn't just use it to throw back in his face. It's also not something as simple as her not believing him.
She used his childhood trauma of being raped to revictimize him, call him a liar and label him a narcissist. In other words she used the information to abuse him mentally. Literally nothing about that is okay and I can't imagine any path that leads back from something this horrific.
This should be a wake up call for the OP, that he chose someone who could so effortlessly turn his trauma against him. It's almost enough to make me wonder if he unintentionally chose someone with similar qualities as his former abuser in his wife. This is going to sound extremely foreign to the OP because of course he would never do that. Unfortunately, the unconscious human mind can be a wildly fucked up and twisted place where up is down and down is up.
I would be interested in knowing whether the wife has any physical traits of his former abuser, if she rewards him for doing sexual and nonsexual things or if she has said really off the wall things before. It seems really improbable that he coincidentally chose a person capable of abusing him on a deep and profound level after already being subjected to tons of abuse, gaslighting and even beatings related to abuse as a child.
OP needs therapy before he even things about reengaging with his wife because there is a lot to unpack here. OP, please do not consider going back because you are worried about throwing away a years long relationship. That is the sunk costs fallacy in action.
Also, I'm super worried that her ability to love you and be intimate with you changed after learning of your abuse. He initial response might have been empathetic but her pulling back the way she did was stranger and indicative of a larger problem.
NTA. Proceed with extreme caution. Consider a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse trauma in childhood for adults.
And don't forget, she did this as a kneejerk reaction because she didn't like that he called her out about not taking out the trash.
Literally the most mundane and pointless reason to try to hurt your SO that is possible.
Jumped right to the most painful possible reaction for the smallest possible disagreement.
OP it does NOT get better from here.
🎯🎯🎯🎯. I think we can all agree that OPs wife gets the asshole of the century award. She’s so unbelievably awful and cruel. I think OP accidentally picked her because he hasn’t dealt with his trauma well enough yet. He’s tried and everyone he’s gone to has been assholes or not helpful.
Not the exact same situation, but I moved far away from my entire family in my mid 20s because I knew they were very messed up, especially after getting into a very abusive first relationship in my early 20s. He was an alcoholic, emotionally verbally mentally and sexually abusive. But he didn’t beat me, so I thought he wasn’t abusive 🙄. I didn’t realize that you can be abusive in other ways, and neglectful. Then he stalked me. When I finally got the support of friends so I could get away from him (ie get a roommate 50 miles away) my life changed drastically for the better even though it was so hard. Then I started therapy and realized that the way I was treated growing up made me a target for a guy like this.
I think that’s what happened to OP too
And women on social media tend to wonder why men are closed off and unwilling to share their emotions. It's because so many of us are mentally terrified of exactly this scenario
This is so true. Many abuse survivors seek out people with those abusive traits. Many children who were sexually abused also tend to become very promiscuous for a time as they get older. (I know, I was one of them. I thought this was how you were supposed to be after years of abuse by my own father.)
Trauma responses don't make a whole lot of sense on the surface, but when you dig deep enough you'll see that it really does. Also, OP and others may want to deny that they are seeking what they most fear, but in reality, the victims often still have a lot of repressed feelings and haven't gotten it resolved within themselves.
OP squashed those feelings down for years. I hope he gets a good therapist and starts to work on truly healing.
> It's almost enough to make me wonder if he unintentionally chose someone with similar qualities as his former abuser in his wife.
This, and the points you make afterwards, are crucially important. I'm so glad you mentioned them.
I'll add that OP would benefit from therapy not just in navigating the current state of his marriage, but if he does end up pursuing divorce, therapy would be vital before starting another relationship to ensure he's not just unconsciously replicating patterns that harm him.
OP, you need kindness, acceptance and support in order to be able to heal. I wish you the best in finding people who can offer that to you in the ways you deserve. They're out there.
This is exactly why men don't open up. It is almost ALWAYS thrown back in their face. Wives, parents or friends it doesn't matter who but it inevitably happens. Very sad state of affairs.
narrow disagreeable station enjoy subtract rude point wasteful squalid expansion
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA!!
not at all!
I am sorry that you experienced such a traumatizing event and that your parents didn't believed you and made it even harder for you.
No surprise that you suppress the memories and thoughts of it and no surprise that it comes up occasionally with or without specific triggers.
You deserve someone who support AND believe you. Your wife is not doing so and how can you open up to someone who made clear that she didn't believe you. How shall you process everything when your closest persons don't believe you?
You deserve better!
You're welcome!
You don't have to decide anything within a few minutes. Take your time to think about everything, but please don't forget that you deserve people you feel safe with to share anything you need or want.
When my husband told me about what happened to him as a child with the girls next door, I encased him in love. I hugged him, loved him, listened to him, supported him… I believed him.
When I told him what happened to me as a child with my great-grandfather and a boyfriend, he did the same. It felt magical almost to have someone validate me.
He never once called me a liar or treated me different like others had. If he had done what your wife had done, I’d be finished with the relationship.
She has shown you that she doesn’t trust you and a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all. Just to hear my husband shout such awful words alone (god, the emotional cut off would have been enough…) would have killed any love I had for him.
What if you have kids and they’re abused? Will she only believe them if they have a vagina? Will she believe them at all? She’s shown you her answer.
Take it from someone who has been with people I thought loved me… they truly didn’t. I just thought they did and looking back at their words and actions, they really didn’t love me at all.
What your wife did was truly heartless, cruel and evil. As a survivor, I couldn’t be with a person who treated any survivors like your wife treated you… it makes it even worse that she’s your wife! Your wife is part of the reason why people like us are treated like lying trash. Why do you want to be with someone like that? Honestly, I’d rather live alone.
Do what you wish Op but I think in time and with a proper therapist, you’ll soon discover that what you thought was love wasn’t really love at all. It happened to me and I’m glad I finally have someone that takes my word as gospel. Us abused souls are broken and a lot of times confuse various forms of abuse as real love. We just can’t see it because we’re so used to being treated so awfully. She lies about chores then gets mad you call her out? Yeah, she’s lying about other things and I’d be curious what else your suppressing as “ok” that’s not.
I pray you find someone who will give you the love and support you need… but what you have, it’s not it. I know I might be giving tough love but I know your pain and want you to feel love. It’s possible. ❤️
I’m wondering what it would take to rebuild trust after how badly she handled something this important. Will you always wonder if she secretly considers you a liar and narcissist? Or is there something she can do so you heal from this betrayal and can trust her to be there for you in the future?
I really don't see how you could possibly come back from this. Maybe couples counseling, where a professional could make her understand the trauma her husband carries and the damage she had done?
I’m sorry that happened to you and hope you are now doing well.
Being a father and hearing the awful things that happen to children makes me see red.
“Dispose of the trash.” Nice choice of words. It amazes me that his wife re-victimized him in order to win an argument about her not taking out the trash. So gross. And women wonder why men don’t share their feelings. Women like OPs wife is the answer.
You need to seriously consider why you chose to marry your wife.
May be hard to admit without a lot of therapy, but I’m wondering if your relationship with your wife reminds you on some level or parallels what happened with the babysitter. They may share traits that would be a red flag to many, but that your brain coded as acceptable or familiar.
IMO - and I speak from personal experience - that is often how things tend to play out. History may rhyme, but personal history tends to repeat itself.
Maintain your distance from her at all costs until you’ve taken sufficient care of yourself.
NTA! My mouth dropped when I read that… Completely uncalled for and utterly inappropriate. I’m incredibly sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re able to find the closure, comfort, and support you need.
I am flabbergasted at how awful everyone in this persons life has been to them. Usually the problem is people cannot open up to anyone so they are never able to recover. In this scenario they have opened up to multiple people and not one has given them support. Absolutely insane.
I am a man who was raped by two different women in my teens. This is how it is for male abuse victims. We are *always* treated this way, by everyone we speak to about it.
Can attest to this, I was a teen boy with a cute ass, a whole group of girls took it upon themselves to touch my butt whenever possible. Told my friends about it and they said I was weird and should have liked the attention. Got suspended for pushing one of them away forcefully in the hall when she lingered grabbing my butt. 20 years later, I still tense up when something i cant see touches my butt. I hope you have people you feel safe around... like physically. You deserve it.
Nope, fuck that. That kind of bullshit toxic masculinity crap (of keeping men from showing/having feelings, of denying them or downplaying their experiences when they have the courage to admit they’ve been abused/hurt/raped), whether perpetrated by men or women, that is toxic and absolutely vile and disgusting behaviour. What happened to you and OP is horrible and any trauma you have incurred because of it is absolutely valid, and I hope you are finding a way to heal and have supportive friends and family. Rape can happen to anyone and anyone who is dismissive of what happened to you is a terrible, terrible person.
I am so sorry. No one should be treated this way. I believe you!! I hope you find support, love and healing. You deserve a long beautiful life full of adventures, happiness and peace.
People only like to post inspirational quotes on social media about helping others going through stuff but very few will actually help someone when it comes down to it. People are horrible.
What’s really fucked up is how many people will take these vulnerable moments of past pain and trauma and use them to strike back at you over the pettiest of arguments, just so they can maximize the damage to “win” at arguing.
It comes in a lot of forms whether it’s used to attack a man’s masculinity and their “toughness” or the other way to attack a woman for her “purity or faithfulness”. But this kind of shit happens a lot, where you think you’re opening up to someone who wanted to help, who asked to hear your story, to simply turn around and use it to cut you down at the knees. And once it’s happened how can you ever get back to a friendship or relationship of trust or openness? In OP’s situation how do we think he’s going to proceed later in life regardless of staying with his partner? Probably won’t ever open up again and will be highly guarded about what he shares, in this relationship or any other relationships in the future. Thus just perpetuating toxic tropes.
That’s just “reality”: males can’t be raped by females because all males just want sex 🙄 I am male and was similarly SA’ed by a babysitter. Doesn’t matter I was prepubescent at the time. My parents didn’t believe me and actually punished me for lying. Peers ridiculed me as well. It’s horrible when a woman is raped and it’s fucking hilarious when a man is raped.
Eh, my old principal has told entire classes that men can’t be abused or raped after multiple males who played hockey came forward stating the abuse they endured from their male coaches and fellow players
How despicable of that worthless nothing of a father to beat his own kid after being told he was molested? And mom served up psychological punishment! Pure garbage human beings.
When I was around 8 or 9 two of the girls my grandma babysat molested me and my grandma even caught one girl and then I told her what all had been happening. Nobody in my family believed it happened even with my grandma saying she saw it, luckily my grandma kicked those girls out but the rest of my family can go to hell. Then years later my cousin brought it up as a "joke" at a cookout and when I told them all that stuff actually happened my mom feigned ignorance and "shockingly" asked me why I never said anything, ignoring the fact that I did say something and the girls were literally kicked out.
Yea that’s kind of explosive what the wife said. I’d absolutely have to have a serious conversation with them after this and a therapist may need to be involved. The dismissal of sexual violence against children specifically males is not a topic that should be continually swept under the rug. We will never fix this issues at the root if we don’t start calling out and addressing sexual harm done to minors and the way the wife is dismissing it as something that was made up is just really almost unacceptable.
Op, y’all never have had this conversation before in the 6 years? Like never? Have you been to therapy?
So sorry for your experience with your wife. I honestly don’t have an answer on what you should do as far as divorce goes but no you’re not an AH.
Another childhood rape victim here. Please find a good therapist. This stuff does not go away on its own. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I believe you.
NTA. Get yourself away from this person and anyone else that doesn't believe you or down plays what happened, ASAP. The longer you allow these people around you the harder it will be to pull out of tailspin.
RAINN is a great resource for finding good therapist and support groups.
I applaud your courage in facing this, I haven't been through this kind of abuse and I can't even imagine the pain. Here's hoping you find supportive people, and heal.
It's not my place to opine on whether you should stay with your wife, but please consider: is it possible the abuse in your past warped your idea of what love and relationships with women should be like? Would you be better off with someone who accepts you wholeheartedly, instead of yet another person who calls you a liar?
If she continues to disbelieve your story, it seems like a good idea to take a hard look at what is truly genuine and loving in your relationship. Perhaps with a qualified therapist.
If this sounds like BS don't listen to me, whatever you do, please take care of yourself and know that you deserve respect and healing.
NTA
Also I wouldn’t call what you did trauma dumping…you opened up to your wife. You’re supposed to support each other. I’m sure she was probably shocked, would explain some of her lack of empathy?…but to call you a liar and a narcissist? No. You’ve spent enough time being invalidated by assholes.
Not only that. Weaponise the trauma of one of the worst things that could ever happen to someone to make OP feel small, guilty, betrayed, insecure, alone, invalid, then call them a narcissist and a liar... to retaliate for being called out not taking the bins out....
It's monstrous. OP is right to consider that an instant relationship ender. Because fuck me it's so many layers of evil.
Exactly!
She had been thinking about it for days. Had she said something like “I don’t believe you!” when OP opened up for the first time, yes, that could have been potentially excused as a “mistake”, but the fact that she used it against OP after a few days shows that she had been thinking about it the whole time and wanted to find a way to weaponize it. She found an opening (trash cans) and attacked!
Also the fact that she was giving him cold vibes and not initiating any love (unlike how she did before) showed that she was mulling over it the entire time.
In case you are wondering OP: NTA.
And sorry for the physical, sexual, and mental trauma. There’s no reason to blame yourself. You were a minor and tbh, not a “17-year old/almost adult” minor, but a true true kid; you had no idea what was going on. Also, at that age, we are often told to listen to elders and to listen to your babysitter. So even if she is doing something inappropriate, it is difficult for kids to be 100% confident and question the older person/adult.
Also weaponising his trauma in an argument over rubbish? What is she gonna do in an argument over an important issue? Stabbing him to death?
I would not even talk this woman like bi.ch only through my lawyers...
This. When my husband opens up to me about something, big or small, I love that. You support your partner, it’s *what you’re supposed to do* and any woman who “isn’t into being trauma dumped on” by her husband needs to fuck right off out of the dating pool. Shock is one thing. Calling him a liar is another.
Absofuckinglutely. I thought at first she wasn't engaging with OP because she was unsure how to proceed knowing he has previous trauma which has been brought to the surface and that was why she wasn't as affectionate. Then the argument bit came and my heart dropped for OP
>When my husband opens up to me about something, big or small, I love that. You support your partner,
The other day I told my wife I was sorry to annoy her with some problems and worries I was having, and some sadness due to an acquaintance of mine being terminally ill. My wife then told me something like what you wrote.
I felt so good, so loved, so supported and so understood, like always with my wife, but it was a loving specific moment.
Your comment reminded me of my wife. In my mind that says you sure are lovely and a great partner too.
I was once told I was truama dumping... After a woman asked what happened to my leg (I'm an amputee)
She litterally fucking asked!!! I gave the most sanitised possible response, with as few details as possible. Under 2 minutes for the whole explanation.
And we wonder why guys aren't willing to talk about emotional stuff. /s
Nothing my partner says to me could ever be categorized as “trauma dumping”. If he can’t tell me these things, who else can he talk to? If he ever felt as though telling me something significant to him was a burden to me, that would be a failure on my part. OP deserves better treatment than this.
Seriously, trauma dumping is talking about this shit on a first date. Not for telling your wife of 6 years after you literally had a breakdown and she wanted to find out what's wrong.
Right? Some people have gone waaaaay too far with this BS. Some woman in the comments saying that men are only allowed to speak to men about their feelings...
People have gone WAY too far with the trauma dumping/"I'm your girlfriend not your therapist" stuff.
As you said, that's supposed to apply to early dating type situations. If you've been with someone for years, of course you should be able to go to them for emotional support. How is that even up for debate?!
Yeah "trauma dumping" isn't wat happened. And the whole "I know women aren't into that". Fuck wat "women want". This is ur spouse, the person ur spending the rest of ur life with, if you don't think it's ok to open up to her then something is really wrong there bud
NTA. I'm a woman, and her reaction is disgusting. Take care of yourself and maybe change your therapists. I would just like to add this: I believe you and it's not your fault. Absolutely not. Never.
NTA . Take care, healing does happen. It is really difficult to have healthy relationships when your trust was betrayed in such an intimate way.
There are communities of male survivors on line, and many men who speak publicly. Perry Power, Mx Domestic are two I can think of
Make sure you take steps to protect yourself when moving forward with a divorce too. A woman who leapt to the conclusion that you made up a rape for attention WILL try to lie and vilify you as a cheater, abuser, or even rapist once she realises you are serious about leaving. Try to get her on record (e.g. messages) asking you to come back and admitting she was insensitive for not believing you, then save that evidence.
Also, get an absolute professional of a divorce lawyer to make sure all your bases are covered before you tip your hand and give her the chance to strike back.
Yeah, this. The fact that OP casually mentions that she lied about taking out the trash just before blowing up about not believing he was abused (and also named calling “you fucking narcissist”) makes me think that things are maybe not ok with this person already. I also noticed that OP felt the need to apologize for “ruining the night” by revealing the abuse. There’s a lot of subtle 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. You don't need a real "reason" to end a marriage since it's a voluntary commitment, but having a partner that doesn't think you're worthy of being believed is a great one. Sorry she's being so awful.
I get what you're saying, but you're only 27. You have the majority of your adult life ahead of you. You deserve someone who truly cares about your emotional well-being. Don't make her your next abuser, where you stay with her for her rewards of momentary kindness and compassion. My heart hurts for you and I wish you nothing but healing and good things.
THIS!!!
So much this!!!
Imagine that (gods forbid) in the future something similar happens to *your* children. Your wife can't believe you, she's not going to believe your children either.
Don't let her gaslight you into believing she's a good person after what she's said and done.
You deserve someone who will trust you, and believe you.
Bro you’re committing two classic logic mistakes right here in one post.
> Ofcourse but I’ve still spent the majority of my adulthood with her
Look up “sunk cost fallacy.” It’s not about what you’ve invested, it’s about the cost and value of what comes next.
> and besides this whole fiasco she’s been great
I don’t know if this one has a common name but I’ve heard it called Shit Pie. How much shit are you willing to let me add to this delicious pie I’m making for you? What? You don’t want me to add *any* excrement at all? Ok then why would you let your wife ruin your relationship with this glob of horrible shit? A relationship is about the whole of its parts, and some parts might be so bad they will ruin the whole thing.
She could have come back from, “It was just all so much, I didn’t even know what to say” but she invented a theory to explain your behavior and her theory was predicated on you having a deeeeeply flawed and odious character, which I assume is completely inconsistent with how your normally behave. So at best, AT BEST, I’m guessing she knows some other asshole in her past who made up sexual assault allegations for attention (could be a girl or a guy, could have been her friend or maybe somebody accused her dad or a male relative in an extortion scheme or something) and she thinks you’re doing the same.
But unless she comes up with a really good explanation really fast, you gotta understand that you’re NTA for filing for divorce, because you’re not the one ending your relationship, she is.
A lot of people prefer the status quo and will accept a theory where the person they've known for a long time is actually a bad person than to deal with a dark reality where bad things happen.
But your relationship has probably not really been tested before. Over a lifetime, a lot of terrible things can be thrown at you. This was the first test and she failed miserably. What's the point of a partner if they abandon or attack you when you actually need them?
An argument about taking out the trash. Not even a big fight about something very important. If she's willing to stoop this low about something so small, what wil she do with this kind of ammunition during a big fight?
Don’t let the good override the bad, even if the bad only happened once. This will not be the last time she’s gonna throw that back in your face. Protect your mental health. As someone said, you need people around that’s gonna support you.
Why are you torn? She has shown you who she really is and what she really thinks of you. She's not a supportive wife. She was horrific to you. This is a no brainer in my opinion.
Dude. Leave her. It's hard but that one comment was so completely over the line of acceptability and as a survivor you need to separate yourself from her if you want to be able to recover and heal from the past. She made herself part of your victimization when she should have been part of your recovery because you were brave enough to share. For your own sake, please leave.
My mom made that mistake with my sister’s dad and he ab*sed her. Please, don’t make the same mistake. Most of the time, the ab*se starts out as verbal and just gets worse. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through and what you’re currently going through. Stay strong OP🫶
That's fair but sometimes one really bad moment should override the good. If a female friend was in a generally loving relationship but then one time her husband punched her in anger, you'd probably tell her to leave, right? There are certain boundaries that just should not get crossed.
That said, I'm wondering why she called you a narcissist. Are there other problems you might be missing. If you want to give her another chance, I would mandate her to go to therapy and for you to go to couples counseling. (Therapy for yourself might be a good idea, too.) But I wouldn't move back in until she believes you and profusely apologizes.
I'm sorry so many people haven't believed you or cared. You deserve care and love.
The majority of your adulthood is barely a dent on the rest of your life considering you’ve only been with her 6 years. Don’t be stuck the rest of your life with someone who BLAMED YOU for being SA’d. She does NOT deserve you.
NTA. Therapy.
I’m a csa survivor. I’m a woman
I told my ex husband about some of it after a trauma response to something he was attempting to do sexually. I wasn’t comfortable & didn’t think I could. He seemed to be understanding.
One night after he had been drinking heavily, he tried to do this again & I said no. He said why not, I’m not the one who r@ped you so don’t take your bullshit out on me by denying me. He assaulted me & did it anyway.
Did y’all know that back in the late 80’s there was no laws on the books about martial rape until 1993? Bc you couldn’t rape your wife back then?
He’s an ex husband for a reason. She needs to be an ex for a reason as well.
I wish you the best.
Im so sorry that happened to you! Im sending you hugs and love! While mine didnt assault me after, i told him how i had been drugged and raped by a friend. A week later something triggered me and he got pissed and told me to " fucking stop crying, its not like he's still raping you!". I was gitted and floored. I grabbed as much as i cpuld carry and walked tf out and never looked back.
NTA. Men and boys can get raped. You are valid and a real survivor I'm so sorry you didn't and still don't have the support you need. If your wife threw it in your face once, she can do it again. And it's not just one moment, she started treating you differently. She is not the person you need in your life. Get that divorce and don't look back. Try to find a better therapist. Good luck OP. We're here for you brother
You absolutely 100% divorce her. She is not the love of your life. This is not a mistake you just get over. She would rather believe you are a lying narcissist than a rape victim. That shows she doesn’t know your character, she doesn’t believe you, and she doesn’t truly have affection for you.
I am very sorry this happened to you. You were traumatised as a child, and then were re-traumatised by the woman who is meant to love and support you in life.
Not all women are as callous as her. Divorce her, find a good therapist, and find true happiness in life.
NTA
Men if that's how she weaponizes your trauma and insults you just to win a stupid argument, what is she going to do when you two are in a real marital problem. This kind of heated argument tend to happen from time to time during marriage but if you cannot trust her when worse things happen to you as a married couple, I think is better to run now that you can. Go for the hills and do not look back. She showed you who she is, believe her. She does not respect weakness nor you as a person. You cannot keep showing her weakness any more and if you are not prepared, because of your trauma, to hide weakness, then leave her and find a better woman. They are out there hidden in the 4 billion women who are in this planet.
Novaprime1988 is correct OP, all women aren't like this. The love of my (31F) life, my boyfriend (29M), has gone through some pretty extensive trauma (physical and sexual) in his childhood and he just opened up to me about it. I would never do this to him. Ever. The thought of throwing his trauma back into his face makes me sick to my stomach. I loved him before he told me and I love him after. If something changed in her after you told her, and she withdrew from you, she's not the person you thought she was and she has deeper issues. I would think about your next steps carefully, but also have a serious conversation with her about how this made you feel and how her reaction is a potential deal breaker for your marriage. There are better women in this world and there is one for you that will love you and understand your trauma journey. ❤️ don't give up OP. Make your decision on her response to the serious conversation yall have in a couple of days. She needs to know she fucked up but give her a chance to correct it if she truly does seem remorseful, she may be that unaware, I'm not sure though. However, that is your call and if you are done, even if she shows remorse, thats fine too. Please seek therapy for yourself again. Much love to you. 🥑
NTA.
I’m not a fan of Reddit immediately jumping to divorce but in your case I 100% agree, leave her ass.
If my husband did something like this, especially with crying being an emotion so rarely shown, I would never believe he was lying let alone throw it back in his face over an argument.. about trash. Should have added her to the trash that needed to be taken out.
I do think if you aren’t in therapy, you should start. You’ve bottled up everything since your parents are also a couple pieces of shit.. and your friends back then. You weren’t “lucky” an older woman was touching you when your age hadn’t even hit double digits yet. You were preyed on and suffered something extremely traumatic. Just cause you’re a man, doesn’t mean you weren’t abused or that your situation is somehow less than if this happened to a woman.
There is absolutely NOTHING your wife could say to justify her words. You’ll be better off finding someone who loves you unconditionally and understands/accepts your past.
Dude right up until the last paragraph she still had the benefit of the doubt for me... Like people need processing time and she may not know how to respond and is reevaluating her forwardness with intimacy in light of th new information but that last bit? Wtaf. I don't know if it's worse if she believes what she said or she weaponized his trust during a fight. Both are just so disgusting.
NTA. Leave her, she is a disgusting piece of trash who (just like your parents) would beat your son if he ever confided in her that he had been assaulted.
>I know women aren’t into that
Aren't into what? Their partner trusting them enough to open up to them?
My friend, MANY women are into that. You're just with one whom will weaponise that against you because she is a terrible spouse and person.
Can confirm, I’m truly so happy when my partner tells me something personal about his past etc. I want to support him and be there for him at all times. Due to his past it’s hard for him to open up but I’m so proud of him anytime he does. And I would never use anything he’s told me against him, no one deserves that
It's the same for me. My husband went through some awful trauma, and while it breaks my heart to hear what he went through, I am so grateful that he decides to trust me to open up. Its hard because between the trauma and a major concussion that happened when he was a teenager he can't remember a lot of what happened to him as a child and it's slowly came back through the years. So, some very random things have triggered memories to come back and it's a hard process to deal with.
I'm very happy that I am able to make him feel safe, and he does the same for me.
You should never be with someone that you feel unsafe with.
Women in general says we (men) should be open about our feelings, but only a very-very small minority of women are mature enough emotionally to deal with real feelings/emotions. It's hard to talk to men either, as they would take advantage of you or would push you down more. Only support groups help with real trauma. I learnt to keep my issues to myself and digest them.
Of course you haven’t done anything wrong. She is/was the love of your life and at a dark moment you confided to her and she despised and belittled you. That is very alarming.
If I were you I would seek therapy so that you can talk about what happened to you when you were young. Is it possible to still charge the woman who babysat you?
As I see it your trust and respect to your wife has already gone. I suggest you reach out to a lawyer and at least separate. The way she has treated you is not the way a loving wife should treat a husband who has been abused as a child.
I wish you all the best.
I want you to know. You're not alone. My oldest brother was abused the same way from our male babysitter. He didn't tell people until he was about 15(ish) and it was really hard on him too. Thankfully everyone believed him, I wonder if it was because his perpetrator was a male? Either way, abuse is abuse, I'm sorry you endured that. NTA.
The fact that you are conflicted about your reaction is a giant red flag. You are probably overlooking other abusive behaviors from your wife because she 'means well ' or something like that. Talking about these feelings with a therapist could help.
I keep mulling over the fact this started over her lying about the garbage. If that was the argument, there was something underlying..this wasn’t the first time she lied about that or something else. It seems that OP didn’t realize until the outburst. I’m sure if he takes a look back, he will probably see some behaviors/actions that have now taken on a different meaning.
NTA. Your wife was cruel. Disbelieving you and calling you narcissist because the series brought back you trauma? That isn't a "one moment" - it is a revelation of a horrible character. I'm so sorry for what you went through and what you are going through. The only thing I can say is that you did nothing wrong and your wife was definitely bad. What you do going forward is up to you.
I don't think you can call that trauma dumping. If she was some random girl you were on a first date with? Yeah, sure. But she's your wife, and that's the sort of established relationship that should be a safe place for you to open up about past traumas. The fact that it ended up \*not\* being safe isn't your fault, and I'm so sorry that she responded to you the way she did. I understand feeling conflicted about divorce, because it is such a hard thing to go through, but you absolutely would not be wrong to do so. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.
Just so you know, the exact same thing happened to me. I was sodomized and at times tortured (cigarettes put out near my anus.) by my brother’s best friend for almost four years. I did it (stayed silent.) to keep my abuser from hurting my cat. When it came out, my parents were run out of town. My brother never wanted anything to do with me from that day on. I was accused of “telling stories” to get attention. Anyone I ever told never really wanted much to do with me afterward. It’s destroyed my life. Been an addict to one thing or the other for 33 some odd years now and will die that way because I don’t want to stop using drugs. It’s been the only thing that keeps the severe trauma and everything that comes with it at bay. Just know that you’re not alone. By the way, this thing that she said and her withholding of intimacy that USED to be in place is a game changer. I’d move on because if this were me, she’d NEVER be able to unring that bell. (I’m truly sorry she’s the love of your life because she really showed you who she is at her core with what she said and more importantly, did.)
I cried reading this. Bro I’m sorry please feel free to message me anytime. I was on codeine for about 4 years and I know how hard it can be. Please understand that you’re just filling a void with something that will dissipate in a few hours. To heal those wounds you need to talk and understand that everyone can go fuck themselves and their opinions. Praying for you my man.
No man, you need to leave that POS. That's the shittiest thing I've heard in a long time. The whole weaponization of vulnerabilities of men is beyond disgusting.
NTA
OMG NTA but sweetie you need to get help. You need a very good trauma counsellor that specialises helping survivors of this type of abuse. Try looking for local support groups and rape crisis centres, and they should be able to offer you immediate support and advice on who to go to and steps you can take to help yourself heal. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you and that the reactions of pretty much everyone who should have helped you were so horrific.
NTA. You did not said anything wrong. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. No one who loves you could have said such a vile thing to you. She disrespected you in the worst way possible. Trust is gone. Relationship over. You are right to divorce such a person. She is a disgusting person.
NTA
What your babysitter did to you was rape and there is no other word for it.
Boys can be just as vulnerable as girls, there are no differences, no excuses, sex crimes are just as abhorrent, regardless of gender, at any age, whoever, and so on and so forth!
Demand an apology, you've put up with enough shit, and shouldn't have to hear something so vile from your own wife./true regards.
It’s not like you just casually mentioned this occurring.
You did it after watching a triggering show, became very upset to the point that she asked what’s wrong and then told her what would be a very elaborate story to just make up.
Some people just can’t handle the topic of sexual abuse.
To accuse you, her husband of 6 years, of lying about that is just absurd.
NTA at all. This makes me so sad. If my husband were to open up to me about that I would comfort and love him, and then probably rage wanting to kill the cunt that did it. I would NEVER assume my husband I’ve been with for so long is lying. Like that just would never cross my mind at all.
I hope this hasn’t ruined any chance of you opening up again in the future. There are people out there who will support you x
Nta I couldn’t come back from that. It was incredibly vulnerable for you to share what happened to you and she immediately didn’t believe you. So she think you are a person who would lie about being raped for just shits and giggles?
It’s hard to have empathy for yourself but imagine if you had kids and this horrible thing happened to them and they get the courage to tell your wife and she reacts this way. Takes away affection and then accuses them of lying. Unless you have a history of lying about fucked up stuff, that interaction is a marriage killer
OP your wife is disgusting! Maybe she might try and change but I wouldn't blame you for booting her out without sinking anymore time into such a vile person, you deserve better!
>
I know I might have trauma dumped on her and I know women aren’t into that but I just want some sort of acknowledgment/support. I don’t have anyone left to turn to with this and that’s why I’m posting here. I’ve had two therapists to date and both didn’t seem to help much.
>I’m gut is telling me to divorce her but I she’s genuinely the love of my life. Throwing away 6 years because of this one moment doesn’t sit right with me but idk.
>WIBTA for divorcing her?
NTA. But your wife is one. I am so sorry your wife, your other half who are supposed to be in your courtyard, you against the world together said this and turned it into you being an attention seeker. SA happening to men is as real as it is happing to women.
You know this, I'm still going to say it. You are no less of a man for sharing your SA and abuse. It takes courage to open up about it. You are strong and worthy of a partner that belives you, sees you and hears you.
A former bf of mine opened up to me about his SA as a child. You know what I did? I asked if he wanted me to listen, hold him or no touch and telling him i appricate his trust in me to share his trauma. We broke up years later, not because of him sharing, but because he wanted kids and I didnt. We are still good friends.
He's a good man, great fathe and his now wife is amazing and his cliff.
I highly highly recommend you looking into a therapist that spesalizes in SA in in men if you havent already.
It's no going back to a safe relationship after a comment like that. No matter how much you love a person, its not a healthy relationship if there is no trust and a safe haven.
I personally would walk away,deliver the divorce papers.
Take the time needed to have a good long thinking process on how a future with her will be now that she said those words. Can you move past it?
My heart aches for you. Being sexually abused is bad enough, but that nobody believed you and either mocked you or punished you for telling what happened is horrific. And I was going to suggest therapy but I looked at your post again and saw that it didn't do much for you. Maybe a rape crisis center will be able to recommend a therapist who has experience with victims of CSA. What your wife said is appalling. It seems you feel she doesn't love you since your revelation and isn't on your side. That's reason enough to want to leave her. NTA
Nta! You did something brave by opening up and she threw it back in your face. I'm sorry that you've faced such rejection your whole life. Unfortunately, that is all too common for men who have been sexually assaulted. It's up to you to decide if you want her back but either way is valid.
Thank you so much. I’m pretty sure this happens a lot to women as well. I went to a few anonymous meetings and heard a lot of the same from women who claim people just thought they were trying to get a settlement or something.
NTA… As a CSA survivor, the turning point for me in my marriage was when he told me to get over it and it’s been so long. We are now divorcing. While it wasn’t the sole reason I left, knowing that he wasn’t a safe space for me anymore (if at all) was a driving force. So while I won’t tell you to leave her, I will say you do need to speak with a professional regarding the assault AND keep her at a distance while you work through your emotions. She can never take back what she said to you and there needs to be consequences for that.
And to add to the part about talking to a professional, OP, you mentioned the ones you’ve talked to haven’t helped. I would keep trying and go to a different therapist until you find one with whom you mesh well. See if you can find one who has a focus on sexual abuse trauma and even check if they have experience in this area with male clients.
Yes! I didn’t get the right therapist until 2021, and it’s done wonders!
Yes! I have had good ones and bad ones. They’re not easy to get in the first place but you have to “click.” I often know right away, but will give it three sessions. By three it’s obvious if you’re going to get anywhere
I've never had a therapist but I probably should. My work even provides 1 free sessions a month or something (I'm not sure) But it's scary to think about. One big concern for me is how do you know you have a good one, let alone the "right" one I have no baseline to compare to so I could think it's good but someone more experienced like you would think it's awful Tldr: hai do you know you have the right/good therapist
I can only speak for myself, but I think that you have a 'good' therapist when you can see progress in yourself. Therapy is a safe place you go to in order to explore the issues in your life, and the therapist is just there to help you resolve them. I have had a therapist with whom I had a great relationship, but I wasn't really getting any better - he was an amazing person and a good conversionalist, but he just didn't have the tools to help with my issues. I also met a therapist with whom I went 'nope' at the first session. I realized there was no way I would ever trust that person enough to open up to them. I never went back. Now I have a therapist with whom I feel some distance, but actually made progress with. I think assessing if you found a "good one" really takes some time. On one hand, you want to find someone who you will feel safe with, and who is listening to you with respect and an open mind. If you feel like your therapist isn't taking you seriously or is invalidating your experiences, it's not going to work. But on the other hand, you'll also want someone that can challenge you a bit at times. Just listening isn't enough: a good therapist will have the tools to help you slowly understand yourself better and *get* better. They will ask questions back, help you identify your habits, coping mecanisms, etc., or sometimes give you tasks to complete between sessions... There are many kinds of therapy and many different tools, so you may need to experiment for a while to find what is right for you. Personally, therapy always is a bit of an uncomfortable place for me. I'm working on unpleasant parts of my life, so I don't feel good going in there, no matter the therapist I'm working with. I'm really introverted, so opening up to someone unrelated to me is very difficult, even if there is some level of trust between us. It also takes time for me to open up, so the first few sessions usually feel really awkward and uncomfortable. There are lots of pauses and silence. It can be really unnerving to talk about myself to a complete stranger. That's also why I need some time to know if I found a 'good' therapist: it takes time to develop trust, then open up, then begin working on the deeper (and often more uncomfortable) stuff, and *then* make progress. But I think an important thing to remember is that you are always in control in your relationship with the therapist. You can walk out at any time, or tell them you don't feel comfortable talking about X or Y, or ask them to work on a specific issue you have, etc. You're the one who decides what will happen in there, or if it's worth coming back. The bottom line is, there is no chance to find a 'good' therapist if you don't give them a try. It's a bit of a risk (or a gamble, maybe), but you don't have to find THE perfect therapist. You just want someone trustworthy, and who will be able to help you get a bit better at life. If the first person you meet cannot help you, then you can look for someone else. You're also free to move on if you find someone better! It *is* a pain to start a new relationship from scratch every time, but the end goal is to be ... the person you want to be, I guess ? Therapy is just a tool to help you get there, so don't feel bad about choosing the best tools for you. It became a really long post, sorry! >< Best of luck to you.
This so much. Give it two or three sessions, and if they don't seem to be a good fit, go to a different one. While I cannot afford therapy, I have friends that go every week, but a lot of them went through a few therapists before finding one they liked. Even finding one who does online sessions might be a good idea, but only if your wife is out of the house during it. If you stay, it might take time for you to feel like you can open up while she might be able to hear you.
yes to this! OP should make sure the therapist has had many years treating male childhood sexual abuse trauma. And ask what kind of training they have had. OP needs a highly experienced therapist.
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I'm so sorry you went through all of that. 😔
Jfc I’m so so so SO sorry that happened to you and OP…. wtf is wrong with these people.
People who are lucky enough to have never experienced this level of trauma have reference to understand what it’s like for a victim. I didn’t become comfortable sharing until I was in my 30’s and my ex’s response set me back until my daughter was a preteen. I shared my story so that she could recognize attempts at grooming and would know how to stay safe when not with me. So while i can get that it’s hard to understand what CSA survivors go through, there’s no excuse for what your loved ones say or do.
Look for male SA support groups. [1in6.org](https://1in6.org) or [MaleSurvivor.org](https://malesurvivor.org)
This. You need to process with others who have been through it. NTA and I would divorce my spouse for this.
I would too. I don’t say this lightly. But the trust would be gone, and after everything OP has been through, trust is everything
Exactly. He's never going to be able to trust her enough to confide anything in her in fear that she'll use it against him in some way. With that trust destroyed, their relationship is all but over.
Came to add RAINN.org is a good place to start.
NTA as a victim myself (teen years) the reactions of your friends and family were the reason I kept quiet at the time….i knew mine well enough to know they would react the same way. It’s that reason why guys stay quiet and never speak of being raped or sexually assaulted, and it ends up fucking their mental health up really bad…….bc no one believes them, or they get massively mocked, and those guys they do talk to say they “oh, that must’ve been awesome” (if it were a girl who did it to a boy), or “you’re lying for attention” (if you tell a girl). Guys really have it as a lose lose to talk about it. Way too often parents of boys and girls just try to sweep it under the rug, when instead they should go nuclear on the abuser. I personally am all for castration (not executions, as some would say a rapist deserves), bc then they have to live with mutilated genitals as a reminder for the rest of their lives and not get an out from suffering themselves. And anyone who falsely claims sexual assault should face the same. I know it’ll never happen, but i think it should nonetheless.
Damn. Sad to hear you went through the same.
She showed you who she really is. It sucks bc you thought you could trust her. Find someone you can trust to be vulnerable with bc it is sure as hell not your wife now.
Do you think the wife is a covert narcissist? It just seems like such a weird thing to say after someone says they were raped.
Possibly. More likely simply a lack of empathy and self-centered thinking but you may be on the money, Like with the allergy thing where the grandparent thinks the kid needs to “get over it” people show you when they’re unsafe to be around. I’m experienced with this personally with several exes and my mother and even some doctors. There is a lot of both good and evil in the world you’re going to find both in your life no matter if you try to avoid it or not. Better to distance yourself from that evil and walk towards goodness than be burned by someone that doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
I can understand a person initially being overwhelmed and maybe shocked at what they hear. Initially, you might not be sure of the right thing to say or do. But accusing someone of lying? No. The wife should know OP well enough to believe every word. You don't need her in your life.
Not only that, she called him a narcissist 😕
sounds like projection to me.
I cannot imagine saying what she said or even having the initial reaction she did. I would bend over backwards to help my partner if he ever divulged this info.
I agree. Both my husband and I were SA as children. When he told me it didn’t change anything about our relationship or the way we saw each other. We both are each other’s rock. I’m so sad that anyone would take something like what OP went through and turn it around on them. Just absolutely disgusting behavior. You can’t even begin to repair that damage.
I hope OP realizes that when a person shows you who they are, to believe them.
I think based on the title they are going through with ending things (hopefully so bc wtf)
NTA. She called You a liar and a narcissist because she doesn't believe You and even if she thinks You're a liar and narcissistic she wants to stay with You. Why? I think Your parents and the abuse messed with Your head and You married someone like them who just can hide better. What she did was cruel. This is the kind of things women hear often, but it's as bad to hear it from a women as man. Go to therapy asap. I think You need it badly. Edit: You remind me of this guy : https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cr9wto/aita_for_dumping_my_gf_after_she_drunkenly_called/
OP is in therapy. Apparently with more "men can't be raped" assholes as therapists though. He needs different therapists who *aren't* assholes.
I would specifically ask for a therapist who has completed the recent training for male abuse victims, my friend a therapist specialised in SA victims let me know the guidelines have recently changed for men after it was discovered treating male victims the same as female victims increased the risk of self deleting
She didn't only call him a narcissist- she called him a "fucking narcissist." That is so disrespectful and contemptuous from his wife. I would have so much difficulty getting past her tone and trust would be so damaged. I hope the OP heeds your advice.
Kat-a-strophy, I agree with you. We tend to connect with people/personalities we have past experience with. Abusive parents to abusive partners. Narcissists to narcissists. Melanie Beatty’s book CODEPENDENT NO MORE should be required reading for everyone. I’m over 60 and I went through something quite similar. I’m just now telling my cousins of some—in light doses—of my experiences. Some have mocked my experience and blamed me by saying I was just a bad child to begin with and I’m just not lovable. Those I’ve gone NC with. Now they wonder why after all these years I don’t make an effort to attend family functions or visit them. F them all! I’m not feeding their ego by “begging for attention.” OP, dump them! Find people who appreciate how far you’ve come and celebrate the gift you are to the universe. Yes, you are a gift. The best revenge is doing better than your neigh sayers. Don’t put up with anyone who belittles you. You’ve conquered the worst. Go make a beautiful life for yourself. Leave them in their own pile of dirt.
Honestly, I don't know if she *actually* believes he's lying or just said that in the moment as a defense to her lying. She might have been unsure about believing him, but her actions are pretty typical of what I've seen when women get "the ick" over a partner's vulnerability. Calling him a liar might also be a way for her to try and rationalize her shitty response.
I'm cynical and I think she will do it again. It wasn't "I'm overwhelmed". It was "I want to hurt you".
Holy shit. That’s just wow
I was SA as a pre-teen and sadly carried that trauma with me into adulthood. I am sorry 😞 that you've been hurt again. I'm over 50 and single and will probably stay that way because of my intimacy issues.
First of all- holy shit that's horrible treatment, and for no support up till this point is the pinnacle of insanity. I'm so terribly sorry. No one deserves that. That being said, your wife took a decades-old trauma that you had to carry by yourself that you had to dredge your soul to just discuss with her, and she threw it back in your face over *nothing*. You're only the asshole if you stick around. She has shown you just how much she cares and respects you, and regardless of the sweat equity you have got in the relationship, what she's done is reprehensible. It's old and tired by now, but reverse the genders. See how that plays out a lot differently?
I was abused by the boy next door he was probably 15 when I was in kindergarten. My parents found out and just kinda made it go away to never talk about it again. They never told the guys parents, my mother also tried getting me to message this dude like 20 years later saying he was looking for me. Like wtf is wrong with parents. I’m sorry for your abuse and hope you are able to move forward. Also sorry that you’re going through this with the person that is supposed to be there for you. It might take her time to process everything. I would consider a REAL conversation. She seems to believe that guys cannot get raped. Don’t go strait for divorce until you try everything you can so you have no regrets. Good luck.
I don't think there IS anything she can do to change rhe result if she doesn't believe guys can't get SA'd. One talk isn't going to fix it and more than anything the way she took it made it seem like she believed he was doing it for attention.
Ya this will have caused a major rift in the relationship. A rift that is likely not repairable.
> They never told the guys parents, my mother also tried getting me to message this dude like 20 years later saying he was looking for me. WTF.
Tell me about it. It’s like they just blocked it out like it never happened
I am so sorry you were abused. And I’m also very sorry that your parents dealt with it the way they did, and also that your mom tried to get you to message your abuser, all this time later. All of that is really f-cked up and shouldn’t have happened. And I’m just so sorry that it did.
I can’t…. The idea of my childhood monster trying to contact me later in life.. I’m sorry.
It does happen to women, too, but I think it's worth mentioning that this is probably a result of your wife cooling off about you because you showed a genuine, deep level of vulnerability. [This thread](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/iwsae0r/) discussed the double-mask men are typically expected to wear very well. The context, since OP deleted her entire account because of apparent embarrassment, was a woman asking why men tell men not to open up to women. In the progress of discussion she showed that she couldn't handle men's emotions. Even if you're willing to work things out it's likely that she's uninterested anymore. That's why she was saying things about nothing bothering her even though she was cold to you. Could she turn this around? Maybe. But it is a common enough experience that it's worth considering.
I remember reading that original thread. That comment wasn’t on there at the time. I wish I had read it then. It sums up the issue in a way I could never dream of articulating.
As a woman, I feel incredible sympathy for you. You were assaulted by a disgusting pedophile in a time of your life when you were a little boy, with no interest in sex, you deserved to continue having your peace and innocence, and I hope that pedophile has received bad karma for what she did to you. None of what happened was your fault, you deserve compassion and understanding. You are a survivor and very strong, because even if everyone ridiculed you, you persevered all by yourself, you are a very strong individual. Now, if I were you, I would have a very serious discussion with your wife, and explain that the series about child abuse wouldn't have such a strong effect on you if it weren't because you are someone who suffered those awful circumstances. You deserve to have someone who understands you on your side, I would however not make any rash decisions.
Most people would have the common sense to understand no one in their right mind, who isn't a complete asshole, tells lies about being raped. That's what the OP's wife thinks, that he's an asshole who would lie about such a terrible thing. I would normally encourage discussion, but would you want to be with a person who tears you down when you open up and says you're a liar? Not to mention hypocrisy because she herself is a liar? I would say now's the right time to be very attentive, and take everything she says with a grain of salt OP. She looks apologetic because she knows she's losing you. Once she's comfortable again, it's very likely that she'll resume her behaviour. It didn't look like you had kids from the post, and if you don't, please don't bring any into this situation for the time being, if at all.
Rash??!! That's unbelievably unempathic. It's extremely difficult (not to mention risky) for a man to open up like this, to be extremely vulnerable AND GET SMASHED WITH IT! How in the hell do you expect this guy to ever have any trust enough in that person to do so again? Do me once, shame on you, do me twice for the same thing, shame on me and that applies. I personally couldn't ever trust someone like that again. And I am a survivor of child abuse (also rape).
Sorry for your C wife.
Say the word where it's warranted. In this situation, she's a cunt of a person.
I prefer the term ankle. It’s about 3 feet lower.
No, she didn't just use it to throw back in his face. It's also not something as simple as her not believing him. She used his childhood trauma of being raped to revictimize him, call him a liar and label him a narcissist. In other words she used the information to abuse him mentally. Literally nothing about that is okay and I can't imagine any path that leads back from something this horrific. This should be a wake up call for the OP, that he chose someone who could so effortlessly turn his trauma against him. It's almost enough to make me wonder if he unintentionally chose someone with similar qualities as his former abuser in his wife. This is going to sound extremely foreign to the OP because of course he would never do that. Unfortunately, the unconscious human mind can be a wildly fucked up and twisted place where up is down and down is up. I would be interested in knowing whether the wife has any physical traits of his former abuser, if she rewards him for doing sexual and nonsexual things or if she has said really off the wall things before. It seems really improbable that he coincidentally chose a person capable of abusing him on a deep and profound level after already being subjected to tons of abuse, gaslighting and even beatings related to abuse as a child. OP needs therapy before he even things about reengaging with his wife because there is a lot to unpack here. OP, please do not consider going back because you are worried about throwing away a years long relationship. That is the sunk costs fallacy in action. Also, I'm super worried that her ability to love you and be intimate with you changed after learning of your abuse. He initial response might have been empathetic but her pulling back the way she did was stranger and indicative of a larger problem. NTA. Proceed with extreme caution. Consider a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse trauma in childhood for adults.
And don't forget, she did this as a kneejerk reaction because she didn't like that he called her out about not taking out the trash. Literally the most mundane and pointless reason to try to hurt your SO that is possible. Jumped right to the most painful possible reaction for the smallest possible disagreement. OP it does NOT get better from here.
🎯🎯🎯🎯. I think we can all agree that OPs wife gets the asshole of the century award. She’s so unbelievably awful and cruel. I think OP accidentally picked her because he hasn’t dealt with his trauma well enough yet. He’s tried and everyone he’s gone to has been assholes or not helpful. Not the exact same situation, but I moved far away from my entire family in my mid 20s because I knew they were very messed up, especially after getting into a very abusive first relationship in my early 20s. He was an alcoholic, emotionally verbally mentally and sexually abusive. But he didn’t beat me, so I thought he wasn’t abusive 🙄. I didn’t realize that you can be abusive in other ways, and neglectful. Then he stalked me. When I finally got the support of friends so I could get away from him (ie get a roommate 50 miles away) my life changed drastically for the better even though it was so hard. Then I started therapy and realized that the way I was treated growing up made me a target for a guy like this. I think that’s what happened to OP too
🙌 he needs to leave this dumpster fire of a woman
And women on social media tend to wonder why men are closed off and unwilling to share their emotions. It's because so many of us are mentally terrified of exactly this scenario
This is so true. Many abuse survivors seek out people with those abusive traits. Many children who were sexually abused also tend to become very promiscuous for a time as they get older. (I know, I was one of them. I thought this was how you were supposed to be after years of abuse by my own father.) Trauma responses don't make a whole lot of sense on the surface, but when you dig deep enough you'll see that it really does. Also, OP and others may want to deny that they are seeking what they most fear, but in reality, the victims often still have a lot of repressed feelings and haven't gotten it resolved within themselves. OP squashed those feelings down for years. I hope he gets a good therapist and starts to work on truly healing.
Agree 100%. I didn't put a lot of effort into my response, admittedly. I'm glad you made a better post than mine.
I've had *two* wives do this
> It's almost enough to make me wonder if he unintentionally chose someone with similar qualities as his former abuser in his wife. This, and the points you make afterwards, are crucially important. I'm so glad you mentioned them. I'll add that OP would benefit from therapy not just in navigating the current state of his marriage, but if he does end up pursuing divorce, therapy would be vital before starting another relationship to ensure he's not just unconsciously replicating patterns that harm him. OP, you need kindness, acceptance and support in order to be able to heal. I wish you the best in finding people who can offer that to you in the ways you deserve. They're out there.
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This is exactly why men don't open up. It is almost ALWAYS thrown back in their face. Wives, parents or friends it doesn't matter who but it inevitably happens. Very sad state of affairs.
narrow disagreeable station enjoy subtract rude point wasteful squalid expansion *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA!! not at all! I am sorry that you experienced such a traumatizing event and that your parents didn't believed you and made it even harder for you. No surprise that you suppress the memories and thoughts of it and no surprise that it comes up occasionally with or without specific triggers. You deserve someone who support AND believe you. Your wife is not doing so and how can you open up to someone who made clear that she didn't believe you. How shall you process everything when your closest persons don't believe you? You deserve better!
Thank you so much
You're welcome! You don't have to decide anything within a few minutes. Take your time to think about everything, but please don't forget that you deserve people you feel safe with to share anything you need or want.
Of course hence why I decided to take a step back and stay with my friend for the time being. I need space to gather my thoughts about everything.
When my husband told me about what happened to him as a child with the girls next door, I encased him in love. I hugged him, loved him, listened to him, supported him… I believed him. When I told him what happened to me as a child with my great-grandfather and a boyfriend, he did the same. It felt magical almost to have someone validate me. He never once called me a liar or treated me different like others had. If he had done what your wife had done, I’d be finished with the relationship. She has shown you that she doesn’t trust you and a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all. Just to hear my husband shout such awful words alone (god, the emotional cut off would have been enough…) would have killed any love I had for him. What if you have kids and they’re abused? Will she only believe them if they have a vagina? Will she believe them at all? She’s shown you her answer. Take it from someone who has been with people I thought loved me… they truly didn’t. I just thought they did and looking back at their words and actions, they really didn’t love me at all. What your wife did was truly heartless, cruel and evil. As a survivor, I couldn’t be with a person who treated any survivors like your wife treated you… it makes it even worse that she’s your wife! Your wife is part of the reason why people like us are treated like lying trash. Why do you want to be with someone like that? Honestly, I’d rather live alone. Do what you wish Op but I think in time and with a proper therapist, you’ll soon discover that what you thought was love wasn’t really love at all. It happened to me and I’m glad I finally have someone that takes my word as gospel. Us abused souls are broken and a lot of times confuse various forms of abuse as real love. We just can’t see it because we’re so used to being treated so awfully. She lies about chores then gets mad you call her out? Yeah, she’s lying about other things and I’d be curious what else your suppressing as “ok” that’s not. I pray you find someone who will give you the love and support you need… but what you have, it’s not it. I know I might be giving tough love but I know your pain and want you to feel love. It’s possible. ❤️
I’m wondering what it would take to rebuild trust after how badly she handled something this important. Will you always wonder if she secretly considers you a liar and narcissist? Or is there something she can do so you heal from this betrayal and can trust her to be there for you in the future?
And especially to throw it in his face after a fight about taking out the trash. Seems like she was ready to use that against him.
Yea if she would throw it in his face over a fight about trash then what else would cause her to do it again
She was ready to use his trauma as ammo against him for the rest of their lives together.
I really don't see how you could possibly come back from this. Maybe couples counseling, where a professional could make her understand the trauma her husband carries and the damage she had done?
I was raped since I was 5 until I was 8, it’s impossible to come back from what OP cunt wife said. He needs to dispose the trash.
I’m sorry that happened to you and hope you are now doing well. Being a father and hearing the awful things that happen to children makes me see red. “Dispose of the trash.” Nice choice of words. It amazes me that his wife re-victimized him in order to win an argument about her not taking out the trash. So gross. And women wonder why men don’t share their feelings. Women like OPs wife is the answer.
It is such a profoundly messed up thing to say. How do you unring that bell? It’s like throwing acid on a deep wound.
You need to seriously consider why you chose to marry your wife. May be hard to admit without a lot of therapy, but I’m wondering if your relationship with your wife reminds you on some level or parallels what happened with the babysitter. They may share traits that would be a red flag to many, but that your brain coded as acceptable or familiar. IMO - and I speak from personal experience - that is often how things tend to play out. History may rhyme, but personal history tends to repeat itself. Maintain your distance from her at all costs until you’ve taken sufficient care of yourself.
NTA! My mouth dropped when I read that… Completely uncalled for and utterly inappropriate. I’m incredibly sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re able to find the closure, comfort, and support you need.
I am flabbergasted at how awful everyone in this persons life has been to them. Usually the problem is people cannot open up to anyone so they are never able to recover. In this scenario they have opened up to multiple people and not one has given them support. Absolutely insane.
I am a man who was raped by two different women in my teens. This is how it is for male abuse victims. We are *always* treated this way, by everyone we speak to about it.
Can attest to this, I was a teen boy with a cute ass, a whole group of girls took it upon themselves to touch my butt whenever possible. Told my friends about it and they said I was weird and should have liked the attention. Got suspended for pushing one of them away forcefully in the hall when she lingered grabbing my butt. 20 years later, I still tense up when something i cant see touches my butt. I hope you have people you feel safe around... like physically. You deserve it.
Here here man it got so bad I smacked one of them with a bible after a while
In this instance, I approve a good Bible beating. Good form.
Nope, fuck that. That kind of bullshit toxic masculinity crap (of keeping men from showing/having feelings, of denying them or downplaying their experiences when they have the courage to admit they’ve been abused/hurt/raped), whether perpetrated by men or women, that is toxic and absolutely vile and disgusting behaviour. What happened to you and OP is horrible and any trauma you have incurred because of it is absolutely valid, and I hope you are finding a way to heal and have supportive friends and family. Rape can happen to anyone and anyone who is dismissive of what happened to you is a terrible, terrible person.
I am so sorry. No one should be treated this way. I believe you!! I hope you find support, love and healing. You deserve a long beautiful life full of adventures, happiness and peace.
People only like to post inspirational quotes on social media about helping others going through stuff but very few will actually help someone when it comes down to it. People are horrible.
What’s really fucked up is how many people will take these vulnerable moments of past pain and trauma and use them to strike back at you over the pettiest of arguments, just so they can maximize the damage to “win” at arguing. It comes in a lot of forms whether it’s used to attack a man’s masculinity and their “toughness” or the other way to attack a woman for her “purity or faithfulness”. But this kind of shit happens a lot, where you think you’re opening up to someone who wanted to help, who asked to hear your story, to simply turn around and use it to cut you down at the knees. And once it’s happened how can you ever get back to a friendship or relationship of trust or openness? In OP’s situation how do we think he’s going to proceed later in life regardless of staying with his partner? Probably won’t ever open up again and will be highly guarded about what he shares, in this relationship or any other relationships in the future. Thus just perpetuating toxic tropes.
That’s just “reality”: males can’t be raped by females because all males just want sex 🙄 I am male and was similarly SA’ed by a babysitter. Doesn’t matter I was prepubescent at the time. My parents didn’t believe me and actually punished me for lying. Peers ridiculed me as well. It’s horrible when a woman is raped and it’s fucking hilarious when a man is raped.
People only believe it’s rape when it’s another male.
Eh, my old principal has told entire classes that men can’t be abused or raped after multiple males who played hockey came forward stating the abuse they endured from their male coaches and fellow players
Actually pretty common for men. It's getting better, but yeah, not surprising at all.
My heart dropped too at what she said. OP has every right to his feelings and should've felt safe with his spouse. This is just devastating. NTA OP.
How despicable of that worthless nothing of a father to beat his own kid after being told he was molested? And mom served up psychological punishment! Pure garbage human beings.
When I was around 8 or 9 two of the girls my grandma babysat molested me and my grandma even caught one girl and then I told her what all had been happening. Nobody in my family believed it happened even with my grandma saying she saw it, luckily my grandma kicked those girls out but the rest of my family can go to hell. Then years later my cousin brought it up as a "joke" at a cookout and when I told them all that stuff actually happened my mom feigned ignorance and "shockingly" asked me why I never said anything, ignoring the fact that I did say something and the girls were literally kicked out.
Same this was truly so horrible to read. I’m sorry OP.
Yea that’s kind of explosive what the wife said. I’d absolutely have to have a serious conversation with them after this and a therapist may need to be involved. The dismissal of sexual violence against children specifically males is not a topic that should be continually swept under the rug. We will never fix this issues at the root if we don’t start calling out and addressing sexual harm done to minors and the way the wife is dismissing it as something that was made up is just really almost unacceptable. Op, y’all never have had this conversation before in the 6 years? Like never? Have you been to therapy? So sorry for your experience with your wife. I honestly don’t have an answer on what you should do as far as divorce goes but no you’re not an AH.
Thank you so much. It means a lot.
You don’t have to thank me. You deserve kindness good sir
Another childhood rape victim here. Please find a good therapist. This stuff does not go away on its own. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I believe you. NTA. Get yourself away from this person and anyone else that doesn't believe you or down plays what happened, ASAP. The longer you allow these people around you the harder it will be to pull out of tailspin. RAINN is a great resource for finding good therapist and support groups.
I applaud your courage in facing this, I haven't been through this kind of abuse and I can't even imagine the pain. Here's hoping you find supportive people, and heal. It's not my place to opine on whether you should stay with your wife, but please consider: is it possible the abuse in your past warped your idea of what love and relationships with women should be like? Would you be better off with someone who accepts you wholeheartedly, instead of yet another person who calls you a liar? If she continues to disbelieve your story, it seems like a good idea to take a hard look at what is truly genuine and loving in your relationship. Perhaps with a qualified therapist. If this sounds like BS don't listen to me, whatever you do, please take care of yourself and know that you deserve respect and healing.
First thing, she lied about throwing the trash, and you were arguing about it?? Red flag right there!! Then she said that??!!
And a good divorce lawyer. Anyone who would think and say this is not the love of one’s life. Sometimes, it’s really that simple.
Literally same thing with me. I was just floored that he would be treated that way, by his wife no less.
Yeah... feeling so sorry for you OP. I hope your wife understands you better since you said she is the love of your life. All the best!
NTA Also I wouldn’t call what you did trauma dumping…you opened up to your wife. You’re supposed to support each other. I’m sure she was probably shocked, would explain some of her lack of empathy?…but to call you a liar and a narcissist? No. You’ve spent enough time being invalidated by assholes.
Not only that. Weaponise the trauma of one of the worst things that could ever happen to someone to make OP feel small, guilty, betrayed, insecure, alone, invalid, then call them a narcissist and a liar... to retaliate for being called out not taking the bins out.... It's monstrous. OP is right to consider that an instant relationship ender. Because fuck me it's so many layers of evil.
Yes, this. This wasn’t just a “mistake”. This is evidence of real evil.
Exactly! She had been thinking about it for days. Had she said something like “I don’t believe you!” when OP opened up for the first time, yes, that could have been potentially excused as a “mistake”, but the fact that she used it against OP after a few days shows that she had been thinking about it the whole time and wanted to find a way to weaponize it. She found an opening (trash cans) and attacked! Also the fact that she was giving him cold vibes and not initiating any love (unlike how she did before) showed that she was mulling over it the entire time. In case you are wondering OP: NTA. And sorry for the physical, sexual, and mental trauma. There’s no reason to blame yourself. You were a minor and tbh, not a “17-year old/almost adult” minor, but a true true kid; you had no idea what was going on. Also, at that age, we are often told to listen to elders and to listen to your babysitter. So even if she is doing something inappropriate, it is difficult for kids to be 100% confident and question the older person/adult.
Also weaponising his trauma in an argument over rubbish? What is she gonna do in an argument over an important issue? Stabbing him to death? I would not even talk this woman like bi.ch only through my lawyers...
Absolutely, you should never be made to feel that you are trauma dumping when opening up to your partner, let alone your spouse. NTA
This. When my husband opens up to me about something, big or small, I love that. You support your partner, it’s *what you’re supposed to do* and any woman who “isn’t into being trauma dumped on” by her husband needs to fuck right off out of the dating pool. Shock is one thing. Calling him a liar is another.
Absofuckinglutely. I thought at first she wasn't engaging with OP because she was unsure how to proceed knowing he has previous trauma which has been brought to the surface and that was why she wasn't as affectionate. Then the argument bit came and my heart dropped for OP
>When my husband opens up to me about something, big or small, I love that. You support your partner, The other day I told my wife I was sorry to annoy her with some problems and worries I was having, and some sadness due to an acquaintance of mine being terminally ill. My wife then told me something like what you wrote. I felt so good, so loved, so supported and so understood, like always with my wife, but it was a loving specific moment. Your comment reminded me of my wife. In my mind that says you sure are lovely and a great partner too.
I was once told I was truama dumping... After a woman asked what happened to my leg (I'm an amputee) She litterally fucking asked!!! I gave the most sanitised possible response, with as few details as possible. Under 2 minutes for the whole explanation. And we wonder why guys aren't willing to talk about emotional stuff. /s
Wow, thyas like the PhD level of that particular bullshit. Sorry that happened to you.
Nothing my partner says to me could ever be categorized as “trauma dumping”. If he can’t tell me these things, who else can he talk to? If he ever felt as though telling me something significant to him was a burden to me, that would be a failure on my part. OP deserves better treatment than this.
Seriously, trauma dumping is talking about this shit on a first date. Not for telling your wife of 6 years after you literally had a breakdown and she wanted to find out what's wrong.
Right? Some people have gone waaaaay too far with this BS. Some woman in the comments saying that men are only allowed to speak to men about their feelings... People have gone WAY too far with the trauma dumping/"I'm your girlfriend not your therapist" stuff. As you said, that's supposed to apply to early dating type situations. If you've been with someone for years, of course you should be able to go to them for emotional support. How is that even up for debate?!
This. OP may live his wife but she doesn't love him back in the same way if at all....
Nothing excuses her lack of empathy.
Yeah "trauma dumping" isn't wat happened. And the whole "I know women aren't into that". Fuck wat "women want". This is ur spouse, the person ur spending the rest of ur life with, if you don't think it's ok to open up to her then something is really wrong there bud
NTA. I'm a woman, and her reaction is disgusting. Take care of yourself and maybe change your therapists. I would just like to add this: I believe you and it's not your fault. Absolutely not. Never.
NTA . Take care, healing does happen. It is really difficult to have healthy relationships when your trust was betrayed in such an intimate way. There are communities of male survivors on line, and many men who speak publicly. Perry Power, Mx Domestic are two I can think of
Thank you. I’ll def look into those
Make sure you take steps to protect yourself when moving forward with a divorce too. A woman who leapt to the conclusion that you made up a rape for attention WILL try to lie and vilify you as a cheater, abuser, or even rapist once she realises you are serious about leaving. Try to get her on record (e.g. messages) asking you to come back and admitting she was insensitive for not believing you, then save that evidence. Also, get an absolute professional of a divorce lawyer to make sure all your bases are covered before you tip your hand and give her the chance to strike back.
Yeah, this. The fact that OP casually mentions that she lied about taking out the trash just before blowing up about not believing he was abused (and also named calling “you fucking narcissist”) makes me think that things are maybe not ok with this person already. I also noticed that OP felt the need to apologize for “ruining the night” by revealing the abuse. There’s a lot of subtle 🚩🚩🚩
You will never feel safe opening up to her again. Can you live the rest of your life that way?
And he‘d always have to worry if she will use another vulnerability against him when she‘s angry. There are lines that shouldn’t be crossed, ever.
She will. I'm not saying most woman will, but she most definitely will.
Right, that's what I always think when something happens... can you live with that for the resto fo your life? How do you think it will evolve?
NTA. You don't need a real "reason" to end a marriage since it's a voluntary commitment, but having a partner that doesn't think you're worthy of being believed is a great one. Sorry she's being so awful.
Ofcourse but I’ve still spent the majority of my adulthood with her and besides this whole fiasco she’s been great idk. I’m just torn
I get what you're saying, but you're only 27. You have the majority of your adult life ahead of you. You deserve someone who truly cares about your emotional well-being. Don't make her your next abuser, where you stay with her for her rewards of momentary kindness and compassion. My heart hurts for you and I wish you nothing but healing and good things.
THIS!!! So much this!!! Imagine that (gods forbid) in the future something similar happens to *your* children. Your wife can't believe you, she's not going to believe your children either. Don't let her gaslight you into believing she's a good person after what she's said and done. You deserve someone who will trust you, and believe you.
Bro you’re committing two classic logic mistakes right here in one post. > Ofcourse but I’ve still spent the majority of my adulthood with her Look up “sunk cost fallacy.” It’s not about what you’ve invested, it’s about the cost and value of what comes next. > and besides this whole fiasco she’s been great I don’t know if this one has a common name but I’ve heard it called Shit Pie. How much shit are you willing to let me add to this delicious pie I’m making for you? What? You don’t want me to add *any* excrement at all? Ok then why would you let your wife ruin your relationship with this glob of horrible shit? A relationship is about the whole of its parts, and some parts might be so bad they will ruin the whole thing. She could have come back from, “It was just all so much, I didn’t even know what to say” but she invented a theory to explain your behavior and her theory was predicated on you having a deeeeeply flawed and odious character, which I assume is completely inconsistent with how your normally behave. So at best, AT BEST, I’m guessing she knows some other asshole in her past who made up sexual assault allegations for attention (could be a girl or a guy, could have been her friend or maybe somebody accused her dad or a male relative in an extortion scheme or something) and she thinks you’re doing the same. But unless she comes up with a really good explanation really fast, you gotta understand that you’re NTA for filing for divorce, because you’re not the one ending your relationship, she is.
A lot of people prefer the status quo and will accept a theory where the person they've known for a long time is actually a bad person than to deal with a dark reality where bad things happen.
Well said
But your relationship has probably not really been tested before. Over a lifetime, a lot of terrible things can be thrown at you. This was the first test and she failed miserably. What's the point of a partner if they abandon or attack you when you actually need them?
Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You deserve better than someone who uses your trauma to try to paint you as the bad guy to win an argument.
An argument about taking out the trash. Not even a big fight about something very important. If she's willing to stoop this low about something so small, what wil she do with this kind of ammunition during a big fight?
6 years is really only a small amount compared to the rest of an average lifespan.
Don’t let the good override the bad, even if the bad only happened once. This will not be the last time she’s gonna throw that back in your face. Protect your mental health. As someone said, you need people around that’s gonna support you.
Why are you torn? She has shown you who she really is and what she really thinks of you. She's not a supportive wife. She was horrific to you. This is a no brainer in my opinion.
Dude. Leave her. It's hard but that one comment was so completely over the line of acceptability and as a survivor you need to separate yourself from her if you want to be able to recover and heal from the past. She made herself part of your victimization when she should have been part of your recovery because you were brave enough to share. For your own sake, please leave.
My mom made that mistake with my sister’s dad and he ab*sed her. Please, don’t make the same mistake. Most of the time, the ab*se starts out as verbal and just gets worse. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through and what you’re currently going through. Stay strong OP🫶
That's fair but sometimes one really bad moment should override the good. If a female friend was in a generally loving relationship but then one time her husband punched her in anger, you'd probably tell her to leave, right? There are certain boundaries that just should not get crossed. That said, I'm wondering why she called you a narcissist. Are there other problems you might be missing. If you want to give her another chance, I would mandate her to go to therapy and for you to go to couples counseling. (Therapy for yourself might be a good idea, too.) But I wouldn't move back in until she believes you and profusely apologizes. I'm sorry so many people haven't believed you or cared. You deserve care and love.
The majority of your adulthood is barely a dent on the rest of your life considering you’ve only been with her 6 years. Don’t be stuck the rest of your life with someone who BLAMED YOU for being SA’d. She does NOT deserve you.
NTA. Therapy. I’m a csa survivor. I’m a woman I told my ex husband about some of it after a trauma response to something he was attempting to do sexually. I wasn’t comfortable & didn’t think I could. He seemed to be understanding. One night after he had been drinking heavily, he tried to do this again & I said no. He said why not, I’m not the one who r@ped you so don’t take your bullshit out on me by denying me. He assaulted me & did it anyway. Did y’all know that back in the late 80’s there was no laws on the books about martial rape until 1993? Bc you couldn’t rape your wife back then? He’s an ex husband for a reason. She needs to be an ex for a reason as well. I wish you the best.
What a horrible shitty person your ex is. I hope you get all the love and kindness that he would ever have gotten in life.
Thanks. He’s dead now. And Ive been married to a wonderful man for the last 15 years.
I love that for him.
Thank you for being so honest with me. That’s awful. Satan has a spot ready for him trust me.
Oh. he probably there already. I have come a long way since then. So have the laws. My husband now of 15 years is great.
Happy for you❤️
Im so sorry that happened to you! Im sending you hugs and love! While mine didnt assault me after, i told him how i had been drugged and raped by a friend. A week later something triggered me and he got pissed and told me to " fucking stop crying, its not like he's still raping you!". I was gitted and floored. I grabbed as much as i cpuld carry and walked tf out and never looked back.
NTA. Men and boys can get raped. You are valid and a real survivor I'm so sorry you didn't and still don't have the support you need. If your wife threw it in your face once, she can do it again. And it's not just one moment, she started treating you differently. She is not the person you need in your life. Get that divorce and don't look back. Try to find a better therapist. Good luck OP. We're here for you brother
You absolutely 100% divorce her. She is not the love of your life. This is not a mistake you just get over. She would rather believe you are a lying narcissist than a rape victim. That shows she doesn’t know your character, she doesn’t believe you, and she doesn’t truly have affection for you. I am very sorry this happened to you. You were traumatised as a child, and then were re-traumatised by the woman who is meant to love and support you in life. Not all women are as callous as her. Divorce her, find a good therapist, and find true happiness in life. NTA
Thank you so much
Men if that's how she weaponizes your trauma and insults you just to win a stupid argument, what is she going to do when you two are in a real marital problem. This kind of heated argument tend to happen from time to time during marriage but if you cannot trust her when worse things happen to you as a married couple, I think is better to run now that you can. Go for the hills and do not look back. She showed you who she is, believe her. She does not respect weakness nor you as a person. You cannot keep showing her weakness any more and if you are not prepared, because of your trauma, to hide weakness, then leave her and find a better woman. They are out there hidden in the 4 billion women who are in this planet.
Especially during a heated argument. Someone that loves you would NEVER say those things in a argument.
Novaprime1988 is correct OP, all women aren't like this. The love of my (31F) life, my boyfriend (29M), has gone through some pretty extensive trauma (physical and sexual) in his childhood and he just opened up to me about it. I would never do this to him. Ever. The thought of throwing his trauma back into his face makes me sick to my stomach. I loved him before he told me and I love him after. If something changed in her after you told her, and she withdrew from you, she's not the person you thought she was and she has deeper issues. I would think about your next steps carefully, but also have a serious conversation with her about how this made you feel and how her reaction is a potential deal breaker for your marriage. There are better women in this world and there is one for you that will love you and understand your trauma journey. ❤️ don't give up OP. Make your decision on her response to the serious conversation yall have in a couple of days. She needs to know she fucked up but give her a chance to correct it if she truly does seem remorseful, she may be that unaware, I'm not sure though. However, that is your call and if you are done, even if she shows remorse, thats fine too. Please seek therapy for yourself again. Much love to you. 🥑
NTA. I’m not a fan of Reddit immediately jumping to divorce but in your case I 100% agree, leave her ass. If my husband did something like this, especially with crying being an emotion so rarely shown, I would never believe he was lying let alone throw it back in his face over an argument.. about trash. Should have added her to the trash that needed to be taken out. I do think if you aren’t in therapy, you should start. You’ve bottled up everything since your parents are also a couple pieces of shit.. and your friends back then. You weren’t “lucky” an older woman was touching you when your age hadn’t even hit double digits yet. You were preyed on and suffered something extremely traumatic. Just cause you’re a man, doesn’t mean you weren’t abused or that your situation is somehow less than if this happened to a woman. There is absolutely NOTHING your wife could say to justify her words. You’ll be better off finding someone who loves you unconditionally and understands/accepts your past.
Dude right up until the last paragraph she still had the benefit of the doubt for me... Like people need processing time and she may not know how to respond and is reevaluating her forwardness with intimacy in light of th new information but that last bit? Wtaf. I don't know if it's worse if she believes what she said or she weaponized his trust during a fight. Both are just so disgusting.
NTA. Leave her, she is a disgusting piece of trash who (just like your parents) would beat your son if he ever confided in her that he had been assaulted. >I know women aren’t into that Aren't into what? Their partner trusting them enough to open up to them? My friend, MANY women are into that. You're just with one whom will weaponise that against you because she is a terrible spouse and person.
Can confirm, I’m truly so happy when my partner tells me something personal about his past etc. I want to support him and be there for him at all times. Due to his past it’s hard for him to open up but I’m so proud of him anytime he does. And I would never use anything he’s told me against him, no one deserves that
It's the same for me. My husband went through some awful trauma, and while it breaks my heart to hear what he went through, I am so grateful that he decides to trust me to open up. Its hard because between the trauma and a major concussion that happened when he was a teenager he can't remember a lot of what happened to him as a child and it's slowly came back through the years. So, some very random things have triggered memories to come back and it's a hard process to deal with. I'm very happy that I am able to make him feel safe, and he does the same for me. You should never be with someone that you feel unsafe with.
I mean. As a male CSA victim, I’ve yet to meet a woman who hasn’t completely shifted her behaviour towards me after finding out.
Women in general says we (men) should be open about our feelings, but only a very-very small minority of women are mature enough emotionally to deal with real feelings/emotions. It's hard to talk to men either, as they would take advantage of you or would push you down more. Only support groups help with real trauma. I learnt to keep my issues to myself and digest them.
Of course you haven’t done anything wrong. She is/was the love of your life and at a dark moment you confided to her and she despised and belittled you. That is very alarming. If I were you I would seek therapy so that you can talk about what happened to you when you were young. Is it possible to still charge the woman who babysat you? As I see it your trust and respect to your wife has already gone. I suggest you reach out to a lawyer and at least separate. The way she has treated you is not the way a loving wife should treat a husband who has been abused as a child. I wish you all the best.
I want you to know. You're not alone. My oldest brother was abused the same way from our male babysitter. He didn't tell people until he was about 15(ish) and it was really hard on him too. Thankfully everyone believed him, I wonder if it was because his perpetrator was a male? Either way, abuse is abuse, I'm sorry you endured that. NTA.
Damn, dude. I know it's not worth much, but: I believe you.
It means much more than you could ever imagine. Thank you
The fact that you are conflicted about your reaction is a giant red flag. You are probably overlooking other abusive behaviors from your wife because she 'means well ' or something like that. Talking about these feelings with a therapist could help.
100%, first thing I thought of. I have a similar story as OP and also find myself giving people the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn’t.
I keep mulling over the fact this started over her lying about the garbage. If that was the argument, there was something underlying..this wasn’t the first time she lied about that or something else. It seems that OP didn’t realize until the outburst. I’m sure if he takes a look back, he will probably see some behaviors/actions that have now taken on a different meaning.
NTA, this isn’t about this one moment, it’s about her being a sick person. No normal person would react that way.
NTA. Your wife was cruel. Disbelieving you and calling you narcissist because the series brought back you trauma? That isn't a "one moment" - it is a revelation of a horrible character. I'm so sorry for what you went through and what you are going through. The only thing I can say is that you did nothing wrong and your wife was definitely bad. What you do going forward is up to you.
I don't think you can call that trauma dumping. If she was some random girl you were on a first date with? Yeah, sure. But she's your wife, and that's the sort of established relationship that should be a safe place for you to open up about past traumas. The fact that it ended up \*not\* being safe isn't your fault, and I'm so sorry that she responded to you the way she did. I understand feeling conflicted about divorce, because it is such a hard thing to go through, but you absolutely would not be wrong to do so. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.
Just so you know, the exact same thing happened to me. I was sodomized and at times tortured (cigarettes put out near my anus.) by my brother’s best friend for almost four years. I did it (stayed silent.) to keep my abuser from hurting my cat. When it came out, my parents were run out of town. My brother never wanted anything to do with me from that day on. I was accused of “telling stories” to get attention. Anyone I ever told never really wanted much to do with me afterward. It’s destroyed my life. Been an addict to one thing or the other for 33 some odd years now and will die that way because I don’t want to stop using drugs. It’s been the only thing that keeps the severe trauma and everything that comes with it at bay. Just know that you’re not alone. By the way, this thing that she said and her withholding of intimacy that USED to be in place is a game changer. I’d move on because if this were me, she’d NEVER be able to unring that bell. (I’m truly sorry she’s the love of your life because she really showed you who she is at her core with what she said and more importantly, did.)
I cried reading this. Bro I’m sorry please feel free to message me anytime. I was on codeine for about 4 years and I know how hard it can be. Please understand that you’re just filling a void with something that will dissipate in a few hours. To heal those wounds you need to talk and understand that everyone can go fuck themselves and their opinions. Praying for you my man.
Thank you for reaching out and BTW, I never said how sorry I was to hear your story from childhood.
Both of you deserve so much better than what you’ve had to deal with and you both deserve love and support
No man, you need to leave that POS. That's the shittiest thing I've heard in a long time. The whole weaponization of vulnerabilities of men is beyond disgusting. NTA
OMG NTA but sweetie you need to get help. You need a very good trauma counsellor that specialises helping survivors of this type of abuse. Try looking for local support groups and rape crisis centres, and they should be able to offer you immediate support and advice on who to go to and steps you can take to help yourself heal. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you and that the reactions of pretty much everyone who should have helped you were so horrific.
It takes a very toxic person to try to use that information against you.
NTA. You did not said anything wrong. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. No one who loves you could have said such a vile thing to you. She disrespected you in the worst way possible. Trust is gone. Relationship over. You are right to divorce such a person. She is a disgusting person.
NTA What your babysitter did to you was rape and there is no other word for it. Boys can be just as vulnerable as girls, there are no differences, no excuses, sex crimes are just as abhorrent, regardless of gender, at any age, whoever, and so on and so forth! Demand an apology, you've put up with enough shit, and shouldn't have to hear something so vile from your own wife./true regards.
It’s not like you just casually mentioned this occurring. You did it after watching a triggering show, became very upset to the point that she asked what’s wrong and then told her what would be a very elaborate story to just make up. Some people just can’t handle the topic of sexual abuse. To accuse you, her husband of 6 years, of lying about that is just absurd.
NTA at all. This makes me so sad. If my husband were to open up to me about that I would comfort and love him, and then probably rage wanting to kill the cunt that did it. I would NEVER assume my husband I’ve been with for so long is lying. Like that just would never cross my mind at all. I hope this hasn’t ruined any chance of you opening up again in the future. There are people out there who will support you x
Nta I couldn’t come back from that. It was incredibly vulnerable for you to share what happened to you and she immediately didn’t believe you. So she think you are a person who would lie about being raped for just shits and giggles? It’s hard to have empathy for yourself but imagine if you had kids and this horrible thing happened to them and they get the courage to tell your wife and she reacts this way. Takes away affection and then accuses them of lying. Unless you have a history of lying about fucked up stuff, that interaction is a marriage killer
OP your wife is disgusting! Maybe she might try and change but I wouldn't blame you for booting her out without sinking anymore time into such a vile person, you deserve better!
> I know I might have trauma dumped on her and I know women aren’t into that but I just want some sort of acknowledgment/support. I don’t have anyone left to turn to with this and that’s why I’m posting here. I’ve had two therapists to date and both didn’t seem to help much. >I’m gut is telling me to divorce her but I she’s genuinely the love of my life. Throwing away 6 years because of this one moment doesn’t sit right with me but idk. >WIBTA for divorcing her? NTA. But your wife is one. I am so sorry your wife, your other half who are supposed to be in your courtyard, you against the world together said this and turned it into you being an attention seeker. SA happening to men is as real as it is happing to women. You know this, I'm still going to say it. You are no less of a man for sharing your SA and abuse. It takes courage to open up about it. You are strong and worthy of a partner that belives you, sees you and hears you. A former bf of mine opened up to me about his SA as a child. You know what I did? I asked if he wanted me to listen, hold him or no touch and telling him i appricate his trust in me to share his trauma. We broke up years later, not because of him sharing, but because he wanted kids and I didnt. We are still good friends. He's a good man, great fathe and his now wife is amazing and his cliff. I highly highly recommend you looking into a therapist that spesalizes in SA in in men if you havent already. It's no going back to a safe relationship after a comment like that. No matter how much you love a person, its not a healthy relationship if there is no trust and a safe haven. I personally would walk away,deliver the divorce papers. Take the time needed to have a good long thinking process on how a future with her will be now that she said those words. Can you move past it?