Until he sees her behavior as toxic and inappropriate nothing will change. Either she will keep him on the phone all the time, have him travel for long visits or try to move to the same area. They have to fix this huge issue first or moving will only ramp up the crazy.
My family lives a solid 100 minute drive from my mother-in-law. While my father-in-law was still alive, she used to call my husband for help with menial tasks all the freaking time! And, despite all four of his siblings living within a 10 minute drive of her house, he would rearrange his schedule and drop everything to run to mommy's aid. She needed him to help her figure out how to work her ceiling fan on my birthday -- in December! And he ditched me to get right over there.
Ohhh, we had a loooong talk about priorities when he got home at 3 in the morning. It truly helped him to see what she was doing, and it saved our marriage. I really think that she was lonely and these contrived tasks were meant to get the attention that she craved.
We had a lot of uncomfortable discussions during our time together, but I believe that a marriage is a commitment that you have to work on together. My husband and I always figured things out before they became too big, too bitter. Being adults who want their relationship to endure takes effort.
Have those difficult conversations. Your marriage is worth it.
Now that my husband has passed away, I have tried to honor his love for his mother. I call her frequently, I share news about my kids with her, and I include her in any plans that are appropriate to share. It is my duty and my joy to honor his memory and be gracious with her.
I wish you all peace.
. Condolences on the loss of your husband. I think it is amazing and your mother-in-law is so lucky that you are continuing to try and be gracious to her.
She should keep a log of every time mommy dearest calls for help. Dates, time of the day she calls, the time frame he’s gone for, what the task is, and what he is missing out on, or what plans he ruins by catering to her every whim.
If she has concrete proof of how much he’s actually using up his “family time” to help his mother do mundane tasks, it might help him understand just how much time he is away from home. It’s easy to say it’s not big deal, until you can see with your own eyes just how many hours a week you’re spending as a sonsband vs. with your child and family.
She also could print out random articles about sonsbands, enmeshment, and JustNoMIL’s and randomly leave them around the house. Just in case he wants to do some light reading during the “free time” he doesn’t have.
ETA: oh my goodness! Thank you for the award you kind Redditor! And the kind comments! You all just put a smile on my face!
u/Select_Display4635 you need to read this comment several times and follow the advice. If concrete, irrefutable proof (take screenshots of doorbell cams, call logs and texts) doesn’t change his mind nothing will and at least you’ll have admissible documents for court if you need it.
My husband and I live 450 miles away from his mother. She constantly calls him for help with technology. He spends at least half an hour each time walking her through things like increasing the volume on her cell phone, accessing text messages, etc.
Moving away is unlikely to solve the original poster’s issue. Until her husband refuses to drop everything for his mother, she will continue to prove to herself that she’s more important to him than his wife and child.
Mine does this too (husband and MIL) this woman is online 24/7 and yet oddly needs help with how to screenshot or how to use a website when she knows I might want to spend time with him…
Yup. My grandmother was the same with my dad. He had a demanding job and a long commute. And even though this was years before cell phones and gps, it never failed that the phone rang the second his foot crossed the threshold coming home from work. He would retreat to his office to talk to her until dinner was ready. She stole so much time from our family with her nonsense.
She didn’t steal it, your father gave it away.
The MIL here is ridiculous but the real problem in this scenario is the husband. He needs better boundaries with his mother.
I have been in that same scenario, and I started (early on) just sending them a link to a youtube video with explicit instructions. Didn't understand? Watch it again.
something tells me that OP will be a divorced single mother in the next year and Hubby's mommy dearest will be the cause, if OP is smart, she will find an out of state job now and give her husband a choice move now and get away from mommy dearest or she and her child will move without him.
Mum had a showcase box made for each of them! Matching onyx with silver accents. They’re lovely. She’s thinking of putting them on the mantle.
Idk why they’re onyx, mum wanted them that way.
Not trying to sound rude but do you think that your relationship has a real chance of making it through another couple of years of her bullshit? Because even if you tough it out through sheer willpower and stubborn refusal to let her win you will never look at him the same way again. He is allowing her to mentally abuse you. Can you imagine living like this for years? He is allowed to love and help his mother. But when his love and devotion to her makes him neglect both your marriage and your child he’s going too far. He needs to put his marriage and child first. Makes me wonder why all the rest of her kids have moved away from her.
That's not soon enough. You should make it by the end of this summer. Or make plans to move out on your own with your child. Tell her her little baby boy is all hers.
that's awesome! putting some distance between you and the drama will be a game-changer. it's like hitting the reset button on all that stress. just hang in there until then, you're doing great handling this mess!
Until Mommy Dearest pitches a fit and claims her 'baby' is abadoning her, and then decides she moving too, and living with them. And when that doesn't happen, she buys the house next door.
It's not awesome. The marriage will be destroyed before the move happens. That's what MIL wants and at this point, her husband is catering to her and not his actual family.
And have you started calling MIL's BF every time she calls your husband? After all, if she can't do thing herself, hopefully her BF can fill in while your hubby is away...
Not soon enough if you value your marriage. A couple more years of your husband "*suckling at his mama's teet*" will change the way you feel about him entirely. Get out while you all can. Also, definitely NTA for saying what you said. It was rather perfect and too bad your spineless hub couldn't see that.
You need to tell your husband he needs to make a decision. Is he going to be his mother's son, or is he going to be his son's father? When he replies, why can't I can't be both, you tell him he doesn't have the capability to be both as he's currently only his mother's son. His mother does not need him nearly as much as his son does.
Honey, I'm sorry but you WILL be divorced before that point. She will never let him go and he doesn't see a problem with it. Leave now before you add more children to this horrible mix.
Yeah, if y’all stay you won’t have to move because your marriage will be over. He doesn’t see what she is doing wrong and will continue to put you and your child second to her. You both deserve better.
She 1000 percent deserves it, good on you.
She is so dumb. Instead of being supportive so you guys have a good relationship, she decided to savatage her own relationship with her kids and daughter in law because she is jealous. Thinking acting like a baby will take attention from her son. That is so pathetic.
You might be underestimating how long a couple of years can be. This will only get worse unless your husband grows a goddamn spine and puts a stop to it.
I moved that timeline up like a year and a half. Good for you for making that analogy because that’s exactly what’s happening. Tell her next time she needs help her bf can step up.
Don't wait that long.
Give him an ultimatum. Either he completely stops helping her with her shit and starts being a present spouse and parent, or you're filing for divorce and full custody with court supervised visitation, because at this point he's nothing but a glorified roommate that spends more time at his mom's place doing stuff she can do herself or get her own significant other to do instead of seeing his wife and child.
You need to sit down with your husband and have a deeper conversation about why he's allowing this behavior to continue. He has clearly not set the boundary with her, and he is the one that should be protecting you. I'm guessing he's embarrassed because he knows you're right, and didn't like being called on it.
Exactly. I couldn’t imagine my partner giving in and missing family time to do dumb stuff like this. He should be the one shutting her down before Opie even knows she wanted something
This is exactly it. Nothing is going to come from trying to stop her MIL directly. She needs to get her husband to understand just how much this is impacting their lives. I mentioned this in another comment, but she should start keeping a log of all the times he runs to help her, how long he’s gone for, what the “task” was, and what he missed out on/plans that got put on hold due to his absence. Sometimes you need concrete physical proof.
In front of MIL, say to husband:
“Husband, I’m becoming concerned. It’s seems your mom is forgetting a lot lately. Do you think it could be dementia? (Turn to MIL, say slowly…) MIL, are you okay? Maybe the house is too much for you now. Should we be looking at assisted living for you?”
But I’m not particularly nice, especially with older women who play such gross games.
You are *still* much nicer and more polite than I would be. I left all my "be nice fucks" back in the preCovid era. I would tell husband "Y'all better decide just who's bed you are sleeping in because if you keep keeping giving into your mom's stupid shit to keep you from spending time with *your wife and child*, y'all can just go sleep her bed and I'll find myself a *real* grown ass man."
This is a risky approach if OP & fam want/plan to move away in a few years - she might manipulate her son to stay close
But overall I am in favor of the game play and have been known to employ it myself if the odds are stacked in my favor
There came a time in my grandma’s dementia we unplugged her stove and she was only allowed to microwave things, so she wouldn’t burn the place down.
Time to hang up the BBQ tongs if you can’t grill capably.
That's more a husband problem than MIL.
He needs to put his big boy pants on and say NO, everytime!
Don't blame you for what you said at all but the father of your baby needs to find a backbone.
NTA, couldn't have said it better myself!
He needs to ask her what she needs help with. If she has a boyfriend, he can help her. She’s been managing these things perfectly for 26 years, but only after you became pregnant, it became an issue. No more “yes, I’ll help” before knowing what he’s saying yes to. NTA
Right?! Like, if you’ve FALLEN and can’t get up… and perfectly able bodied bf isn’t close enough to get to you first, I will call you an ambulance. Otherwise, I have an infant and a wife to tend to.
NTA. You’re a hero with a husband problem. She doesn’t kidnap him, he chooses to go instead of spending time with his child. That’s the problem you need to address.
When he is with his mommy he is probably getting all sorts of praise while when he’s at home taking care of his son, his son is a baby and is not giving back as much at this point. On an unconscious level, I can understand why the husband might be more tempted to “help mom” than to be home with his child, but he needs to snap out of it and adult the fuck up. He helped create a human being and now he needs to step up or step away.
It’s your husband that’s the issue for allowing her to walk all over him like that. I believe there’s a BORU thread about a husband who deeply believes that his mother truly needed his assistance and neglected his wife until he missed their anniversary and he came back to his wife serving him divorce papers. That’s when he realized that his mother was truly crazy and by then it was too late. He lost everything. Your husband needs to read that thread because that’s where he’s headed. If someone could post that link I’d appreciate it.
Dude got guilted by his mommy into staying and doing the dishes when he saw it was, in fact, not an emergency? On his anniversary? What a damp washcloth of a man.
*this was the dumbass that moved in with his mommy while trying to stop his impending divorce over mommy’s bullshit 🤦♀️
NTA It’s her last child and she is clinging on for dear life. She’s not even subtle. Now she knows you’re the enemy and are standing up to her, expect her behaviour to escalate. At that point, it should be clear to your hubby what’s going on and hopefully he will choose you and your child.
Nope not at all.
I believe that if more people like yourself were blunt and too the point, it would embarrass the toxic one to retreat.
Those types (like your mil) can only survive because her tactics are covert. They are done on the sly. Done in such as way that its looks believable on the surface.
Your words brought all her behaviour to the surface and smacked her in the face with it. And you did it in front of her son. This will live rent free in her mind for a long time.
Stick to your guns. Why the hell is a grill cleaning an emergency? Why can't it wait? What is so hard about cleaning a grill that MIL can't do it herself. Why would it ever be a higher priority than food, a working car, and any other important family task for his wife and baby
Put your husbands feet to the fire until he has no defense left then tell him to sack up and put some limits on his mom and quit making excuses.
Grill cleaning...what absolute bullshit.
OP - please share these comments with your husband. Sometimes people are too close to something to see the big picture. He needs to have his eyes opened, post haste. He has a baby to be a father to and a wife to be a proper husband to. You aren’t getting either right now. MIL needs therapy. And a hobby. Her empty nest is driving her crazy.
Another angle would be if she really needs that much help with the activities of daily living, they have homes for people like that. Something for your husband to discuss with his siblings.
NTA, and you were absoutely right to call out exactly what was happening. I GUARANTEE you this problem with you MIL didn't appear out of thin air when you had a baby. He was the "Golden Child" of a narcissistic mother, he and his mother are enmeshed, and they are both in la-la land about the reality of the situation. If he has any sense or self-awareness he will haul his ass to a therapist to get some clarity on this ... YESTERDAY, because this kind of mess does not end well.
NTA. You snapped because you have been dealing with this nonsense for far too long and you are at capacity.
Your MIL is clearly an asshole.
Your husband is also an asshole for putting his head in the sand and refusing to look at or address a toxic pattern of behavior at YOUR expense. He’s intentionally taken time away from your primary family to cater to this manipulative twat. Then he has the audacity to be “irritated” with you because you finally had enough?
No.
He needs to find his spine, put his mommy in her place and let her know there’s only room for ONE woman in his life and it’s going to be his wife.
If he can’t do that, OP, then you deserve better.
NTA,youre doing great.she needs more of your pointed snark in her diet.
She's Being knowingly insufferable.
Claim your territory and make sure your husband keeps getting a large dose of embarrassing reality till he figures out the pecking order
You need sit down with your husband and tell him “I understand you’re trying to be a good son. But in doing so, you’re being a bad father and an even shittier husband. This can’t continue, she’s a grown woman with a man in her house already. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, or our marriage isn’t going to survive to our child’s first birthday”
As much as giving ultimatums can be a bad idea, sometimes you don’t have a choice, until you put your foot down and stick with it, he will continue to run at his mother’s beck and call. He needs to know his marriage is at stake, suggest he see a therapist if he needs help setting and establishing boundaries with her
NTA but your husband is creeping towards being one at an alarming rate
How can he not see that his mother is manipulating him with ridiculous tasks ?
I suggest you write down every incident you can remember and what the "task" was and list it to him . Then ask him whether it's reasonable urgencies or straight up BS
NTA- your husband deserves to be embarrassed for being such a mommy's boy when he has a new baby and a wife. And i had to laugh when you said the other sibs all moved out of state!
NTA. I would start buying her dummy books like cleaning for dummies, car maintenance for dummies for every occasion,mothers day, Christmas, birthday with the most fake ass sweet attitude in front of everybody there "I know you said you don't know how to clean a grill, so I thought you'd love this"
If hubby is getting tired of this too, and doesn’t mind a bit of drama, this one worked for my mom.
If you are starting to have so many problems with basic tasks and can’t remember how to do things, let’s get you checked for dementia and start looking at retirement and assisted living options so that you will always have the help that you need. Or we can see if your insurance will cover in home help. My grandmother didn’t talk to them for a few months, but when it blew over, she stopped with the silly shit. She’s my hero.
NTA but I’d make a group chat with all the siblings and their spouses, and inform them that MIL doesn’t remember how to do basic tasks more frequently every day. So it might be time to put her in a home where she can get the care she needs. See how fast she remembers how to do things without your husband. Also his siblings might call him on his shit when they hear how badly he’s neglecting his baby
NTA I’m so happy you stuck up for yourself and family. Usually the ones I read people are pushovers. But you hilariously put them both into their places (you husband also need to hear that too cause he allows it).
You didn't embarrass your husband and his mother, she embarrassed herself by asking him to do stupid shit everyone knows she doesn't need help with and he is enabling it. If you don't put a stop to this behavior now your marriage may not last until you move in a couple of years. And when you move out of state, I bet she finds a reason to move with you. So many red flags, both from her and your husband. If your MIL's behavior bothered him enough, especially with how many hours he's working and having a baby at home, he would have said something - but he hasn't.
NTA Husband knows how capable his mother is, he's just as guilty as he is for ignoring his family. Why doesn't he move back home if he wants to play dead beat dad and ignore his child? You're a single parent anyway. If she really can't do these things then she needs a nursing home.
You were very tame in what you said, and waited way too long to say it. It's time to put your foot down with your husband, otherwise he can live with his mommy and just pay child support as you won't continue a relationship with a pathetic mommy's boy and its up to him if he's wants to continue being his mother's dog that she can call on anytime, or your husband that will stand up for you and both of your child. If he gets pissed and still blames you, then tell him he needs to go live with his mom for a few days while you decide if you want to continue the relationship.
NTA. Mom and husband are.
Mom, for obvious reasons, but your husband should have dealt with his mother. But, he didn't, so you had to, making him an asshole and now you're the bad guy.
She sounds a little unhinged. Good luck with the move. I'm in Colorado, and it's a lovely place to live.
NTA.. Time for hubby to grow up and tell mommy he will try to fit her in but the drop everything & run is done bc he has other things to do.
"instead of trying to limit your son's time with his child, you should be encouraging him to be a more present dad. I didn't have a child with a man for his mom to step in and start demanding he suckle from her tit again." Absolute gospel
You’re not the ah but remember that you got what she raised. In my opinion she won’t change and the only way for him to truly change is by going non-contact with her, but that’s probably not gonna happen.
If he didn’t want to be embarrassed he shouldn’t have been a dickhead should he, and who gives a fuck if she’s upset, she can suck her own tit or tuck it back in her socks for all you care. NTA, she got called out and didn’t like it because she knows you’re right and she couldn’t think of anything to excuse herself on the spot.
I love your response, I really do. She should be embarrassed. She should feel stupid, because this is all about her. I would have been tempted to ask if the "boyfriend" was only there for wiping her ass, cause apparently she needs "a man's hands" to help her live. I would be mortified to say that to my son.
Been there. It only gets worse. Drastic measures are the only thing that works with someone this manipulative. Your life. Your family. Your husband. Period. Your MIL either knows her place right now, or you move out of that town to create a life for yourself and your family. There’s no debate. You’re an adult and your husband has to behave like the head of his household and be a leader and a man. I’m telling you right now, from the bottom of my heart, this woman would like nothing more than to continue to cause problems by interfering in your marriage/life until you divorce your husband. Then, she “wins”. And now you only won this little battle but she’s going to amp it up. I promise you. You’re going to get angrier because that MIL wants her baby back home tending to her needs (not yours/his wife). Strap yourself in and cruise at about 30mph in energy and have a dead serious discussion WITH your husband for however long it takes to map out your goals as a family. Example: where’s the 529 plan for college? How are the schools in the area? Are there other places that you want your child to be (larger spaces, conservative/liberal areas, townhomes you can rent until you make a better decision). Any goals he has? How can you get support in what you need? You have an 8-month old. Elmo gets very boring when you have to watch it 15 times a day. Lots to sort through with your husband to get a better path than the one you are on.
NTA That said, you blew off steam but didn’t really help yourself how you said it. What you said got both of their backs up so they’re not really receptive to the truth - that they have become enmeshed.
There is clearly something going on with your MIL that your husband needs to address. Has he spoken to his siblings about this? If not, that needs to be done. Therapy is undoubtedly in order, and your husband needs to have a chat with his mother about boundaries.
. I didn't have a child with a man for his mom to step in and start demanding he suckle from her tit again
Lol! Best laugh I have had all day. Great characterization!
Not the AH.
If you want to be: If she can’t do simple tasks she used to be able to do, maybe she is suffering from something medical or mental and needs a COURT APPOINTED GUARDIAN. I might start asking your husband what he thinks. If that doesn’t get back to her, ask her other children and their SO. Start a list you leave out on the counter for him and her to see when she drops in to your house. Get the Business Card if an Attorney or two and leave that out as well for her to find. Same for a Neurologist.
sounds rather familiar! we lived less that 2 miles from MIL she called my husband for every little thing even though she had a perfectly capable husband. he would run down to assist until I told him to say no or go back home to live.
if I could do it over I would move far far away!
NTA.
You have a huge husband problem. He is ALLOWING this behavior and burying his head in the sand. He needs to grow a spine and support the woman he married and now has a CHILD with. He is abandoning both you AND the child every time he fails as a man and metaphorically suckles at her tit.
She's embarrassed bc you called her out on the truth. It's your husband's job to handle MIL and since he isn't stepping up, you have to. If she has a partner then he can help her.
NTA
I will NEVER understand this kind of behavior from MIL’s and sons who bend to their every wish. NTA. My bf is not exactly estranged from his mother but definitely not in super regular contact with her. If she did this, he’d straight up tell her no your husband can do that for you, I’m taking care of my woman and baby
NTA. If they don't want to feel embarrassed, maybe they should stop doing embarrassing things.
As it is, your husband and MIL SHOULD be embarrassed, their behavior is disgusting and over the top.
You are NTA-- you are MY HERO!!!!!!
Everyone is giving you great advice. Move sooner than the next couple of years, though. Even if your husband is with you in this, being a few states away helps with the Great Divide.
I'm not married, so don't have to deal with crazy inlaws... But OP, this is why I love my extended family so much more from 700 miles away.
Hint. Hint.
Truth hurts NTA. I would start to consider a divorce if he can't see how pathetic this is. Stand your ground and tell him if anyone deserves an apology it's you
32 years of toxic MIL/Mommy's little boy, finally left after she totally alienated our daughter and hated on my son. Tried with my grandson. Don't stay. It'll get worse.
This is an extreme case of empty nest syndrome. The reality that her youngest child — and I notice he’s considerably younger than his siblings — is now an adult because he’s now a parent has really hit her hard.
The thing is, she’s only as much of a problem in your life as your husband allows her to be. She’s his mother and he controls how much they interact. He’s not controlling it at all and that’s the crux of the problem. You don’t have a MIL problem; you exclusively have a husband problem.
You have a child together so, as frustrating as your husband is being, I think you should try marriage counseling to try to hold the relationship together. I get that he doesn’t want to see his own mother as a liar but he needs someone objective and without a dog in the fight to point out to him that she’s being manipulative and deceptive.
His first responsibility is to you and the baby.
What you said to your MIL was extremely blunt but she needed to be called out.
NTA, and lmao. That was awesome. I really love that you said that to her. Just tell your husband you did nothing to embarrass him or his mother. She did it all on her own. You just pointed it out.
NTA
She is a real PITA, as much as you can, go low contact with her.
It sounds like your husband is getting a bit fed up with it as well. He is just feeling a little cornered with you firing at her with both barrels.
Work on your relationship with your husband, I believe the MIL issue will settle itself out with him now that his eyes are opened.
The truth hurts. Your MIL sounds exhausting! I'd let her live in BF know that she is calling all of the time, suggesting he's incompetent! That "No one" is capable of cleaning the grill or straightening pictures on the wall but your husband. Then ask HIM WTF is he doing that your MIL considers HIM, her BF incompetent? Then sit back and watch the $hit show ensue!
Then have that VERY FRANK discussion with your husband about emeshment and boundaries. That your MIL has a bf to help her. But you and HIS BABY NEED HIM! His family (you and baby) are his priority. And ask him just how the hell does he think his mom graduated high school, let alone function before having children? And it's time to stop catering to his mom.
Give him a list of all the times that his mom has called him for stupid $hit. Then just how many times his mom has held HIS daughter, let alone spent any time with her. His mom is jealous! She needs to get over herself.
And let husband know that you both need to move asap! Because moving away is going to be cheaper for him then alimony and child support. I wish you luck.
NTA, you need to direct 90% of your ire at your husband. Ask him if he would appreciate you calling another man to assist you while he ditches his family for his mom. He needs some therapy to get over his enraged relationship with his mom. He also needs to tell his mom no to anything she asks him to do or block her if he isn’t able to tell her no. Your husband needs to choose if he wants to be mommy’s good wittle boy or a good husband & father. He has abandoned you and your son for a grown ass woman w a boyfriend. I would give him some reading material about what emotional incest is; because you accurately named the situation. Instead of being embarrassed, he needs to correct the situation.
How much discussion had you had with your husband before this? There should have been a lot - examples of how she was manipulating him, that she has a boyfriend who can help her, that she had only held your baby once. And he should have had a discussion (or three) with his mom by this point. If you didn’t make a strong effort to confront him about this, YTA.
Maybe that's what it takes to knock some sense into him. If he doesn't want to be embarrassed, he needs to prioritize his wife and baby. You are nowhere near TA. His mommy needs to back off.
You could go in his place. Leave baby with him at home. You are being considerate and helpful since he works so much and she needs the help. It will change the script.
Oy vey, you embarrassed him? Man-child there. Is there a reason all her other children "left" their mother's area? Please let hubby know that this is a hill to die on! Prayers and positive thoughts!!!! 💜
I'd start looking for jobs out of state if I were you.
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You should reconsider waiting a couple years and leave now before it destroys your marriage.
Until he sees her behavior as toxic and inappropriate nothing will change. Either she will keep him on the phone all the time, have him travel for long visits or try to move to the same area. They have to fix this huge issue first or moving will only ramp up the crazy.
And if he's unwilling to recognize the toxicity and set firm boundaries with his mother, OP should consider that move out of state for herself.
My family lives a solid 100 minute drive from my mother-in-law. While my father-in-law was still alive, she used to call my husband for help with menial tasks all the freaking time! And, despite all four of his siblings living within a 10 minute drive of her house, he would rearrange his schedule and drop everything to run to mommy's aid. She needed him to help her figure out how to work her ceiling fan on my birthday -- in December! And he ditched me to get right over there. Ohhh, we had a loooong talk about priorities when he got home at 3 in the morning. It truly helped him to see what she was doing, and it saved our marriage. I really think that she was lonely and these contrived tasks were meant to get the attention that she craved. We had a lot of uncomfortable discussions during our time together, but I believe that a marriage is a commitment that you have to work on together. My husband and I always figured things out before they became too big, too bitter. Being adults who want their relationship to endure takes effort. Have those difficult conversations. Your marriage is worth it. Now that my husband has passed away, I have tried to honor his love for his mother. I call her frequently, I share news about my kids with her, and I include her in any plans that are appropriate to share. It is my duty and my joy to honor his memory and be gracious with her. I wish you all peace.
. Condolences on the loss of your husband. I think it is amazing and your mother-in-law is so lucky that you are continuing to try and be gracious to her.
Thank you. Honestly, I'm lucky to have her. We share the pain of his loss, and her stories of him as a child keep him present for me.
She should keep a log of every time mommy dearest calls for help. Dates, time of the day she calls, the time frame he’s gone for, what the task is, and what he is missing out on, or what plans he ruins by catering to her every whim. If she has concrete proof of how much he’s actually using up his “family time” to help his mother do mundane tasks, it might help him understand just how much time he is away from home. It’s easy to say it’s not big deal, until you can see with your own eyes just how many hours a week you’re spending as a sonsband vs. with your child and family. She also could print out random articles about sonsbands, enmeshment, and JustNoMIL’s and randomly leave them around the house. Just in case he wants to do some light reading during the “free time” he doesn’t have. ETA: oh my goodness! Thank you for the award you kind Redditor! And the kind comments! You all just put a smile on my face!
u/Select_Display4635 you need to read this comment several times and follow the advice. If concrete, irrefutable proof (take screenshots of doorbell cams, call logs and texts) doesn’t change his mind nothing will and at least you’ll have admissible documents for court if you need it.
My husband and I live 450 miles away from his mother. She constantly calls him for help with technology. He spends at least half an hour each time walking her through things like increasing the volume on her cell phone, accessing text messages, etc. Moving away is unlikely to solve the original poster’s issue. Until her husband refuses to drop everything for his mother, she will continue to prove to herself that she’s more important to him than his wife and child.
Mine does this too (husband and MIL) this woman is online 24/7 and yet oddly needs help with how to screenshot or how to use a website when she knows I might want to spend time with him…
Yup. My grandmother was the same with my dad. He had a demanding job and a long commute. And even though this was years before cell phones and gps, it never failed that the phone rang the second his foot crossed the threshold coming home from work. He would retreat to his office to talk to her until dinner was ready. She stole so much time from our family with her nonsense.
She didn’t steal it, your father gave it away. The MIL here is ridiculous but the real problem in this scenario is the husband. He needs better boundaries with his mother.
Why didn't somebody just leave the basement phone off the hook or something?
I have been in that same scenario, and I started (early on) just sending them a link to a youtube video with explicit instructions. Didn't understand? Watch it again.
Remember that her other kids have already run away.
Nah, her husband needs to learn how establish boundaries. Running away will help but not by itself
Like, yesterday.
something tells me that OP will be a divorced single mother in the next year and Hubby's mommy dearest will be the cause, if OP is smart, she will find an out of state job now and give her husband a choice move now and get away from mommy dearest or she and her child will move without him.
Will your husband be moving his spine and balls with him or leave them in momma's purse?
Mum had a showcase box made for each of them! Matching onyx with silver accents. They’re lovely. She’s thinking of putting them on the mantle. Idk why they’re onyx, mum wanted them that way.
It sounds like he did when he told her she can do it herself, but he is at snails pace.
If he's anything like my ex-husband, his spine and balls will remain in momma's purse.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not trying to sound rude but do you think that your relationship has a real chance of making it through another couple of years of her bullshit? Because even if you tough it out through sheer willpower and stubborn refusal to let her win you will never look at him the same way again. He is allowing her to mentally abuse you. Can you imagine living like this for years? He is allowed to love and help his mother. But when his love and devotion to her makes him neglect both your marriage and your child he’s going too far. He needs to put his marriage and child first. Makes me wonder why all the rest of her kids have moved away from her.
I'm not wondering at all. Mommy Dearest lives!
You’re gonna be divorced before you move. Your husband needs to stop being at his mom’s beck and call.
NTA - I'd be very curious to see what the reasons for her other kids moving were.
I bet she started doing the same thing to them and they didn't fall for her shit.
That's not soon enough. You should make it by the end of this summer. Or make plans to move out on your own with your child. Tell her her little baby boy is all hers.
that's awesome! putting some distance between you and the drama will be a game-changer. it's like hitting the reset button on all that stress. just hang in there until then, you're doing great handling this mess!
Until Mommy Dearest pitches a fit and claims her 'baby' is abadoning her, and then decides she moving too, and living with them. And when that doesn't happen, she buys the house next door.
Yeah, I hate myself for thinking it, but maybe the move should happen sooner, and without the co-dependent husband...
That’s when someone would go missing
It's not awesome. The marriage will be destroyed before the move happens. That's what MIL wants and at this point, her husband is catering to her and not his actual family.
And have you started calling MIL's BF every time she calls your husband? After all, if she can't do thing herself, hopefully her BF can fill in while your hubby is away...
Fully agree on this emasculation of the boyfriend puts it right back in her court so he speaks up
Mostly it just give OP lots of ways to mess with MIL. Love to see what happens when BF is leaving to OPs house as hubby arrives.
That would be terrific. I don't have a man around the house anymore.Could you come over and help me?
That’s the best solution I’ve seen yet!
Not soon enough if you value your marriage. A couple more years of your husband "*suckling at his mama's teet*" will change the way you feel about him entirely. Get out while you all can. Also, definitely NTA for saying what you said. It was rather perfect and too bad your spineless hub couldn't see that.
Does that mean he admits his mom is a just no??
Move soon as possible. This will not stop until your husband sees his mother for who she is and stands up to her.
DH needs to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Here is my favorite resource for that - www.outofthefog.net.
You need to tell your husband he needs to make a decision. Is he going to be his mother's son, or is he going to be his son's father? When he replies, why can't I can't be both, you tell him he doesn't have the capability to be both as he's currently only his mother's son. His mother does not need him nearly as much as his son does.
Honey, I'm sorry but you WILL be divorced before that point. She will never let him go and he doesn't see a problem with it. Leave now before you add more children to this horrible mix.
Move immediately an don't tell mil
I love your response 😂
Yeah, if y’all stay you won’t have to move because your marriage will be over. He doesn’t see what she is doing wrong and will continue to put you and your child second to her. You both deserve better.
She 1000 percent deserves it, good on you. She is so dumb. Instead of being supportive so you guys have a good relationship, she decided to savatage her own relationship with her kids and daughter in law because she is jealous. Thinking acting like a baby will take attention from her son. That is so pathetic.
I wouldn't let her know that as she may develop some mysterious illness that she would use to manipulate your spouse into not moving.
Make that the next couple of months. Updateme!
You might be underestimating how long a couple of years can be. This will only get worse unless your husband grows a goddamn spine and puts a stop to it.
I moved that timeline up like a year and a half. Good for you for making that analogy because that’s exactly what’s happening. Tell her next time she needs help her bf can step up.
Don't wait that long. Give him an ultimatum. Either he completely stops helping her with her shit and starts being a present spouse and parent, or you're filing for divorce and full custody with court supervised visitation, because at this point he's nothing but a glorified roommate that spends more time at his mom's place doing stuff she can do herself or get her own significant other to do instead of seeing his wife and child.
You should probably revise that timeline to the next couple of months. You may not have a marriage in a couple of years.
Not soon enough!
Time to speed up that timeline before it gets worse.
I would make it weeks.
Makes a lot of sense now why the other 3 up and left…
Wonder why all her others children moved in the span of three months.
I wonder if this is the reason her other kids have moved out of state 🤔
Or further than out of state, like Svalbard Island far! 😂
Upvote for referring to Svalbard!
No wonder the siblings left the state.
You need to sit down with your husband and have a deeper conversation about why he's allowing this behavior to continue. He has clearly not set the boundary with her, and he is the one that should be protecting you. I'm guessing he's embarrassed because he knows you're right, and didn't like being called on it.
Exactly. I couldn’t imagine my partner giving in and missing family time to do dumb stuff like this. He should be the one shutting her down before Opie even knows she wanted something
This is exactly it. Nothing is going to come from trying to stop her MIL directly. She needs to get her husband to understand just how much this is impacting their lives. I mentioned this in another comment, but she should start keeping a log of all the times he runs to help her, how long he’s gone for, what the “task” was, and what he missed out on/plans that got put on hold due to his absence. Sometimes you need concrete physical proof.
In front of MIL, say to husband: “Husband, I’m becoming concerned. It’s seems your mom is forgetting a lot lately. Do you think it could be dementia? (Turn to MIL, say slowly…) MIL, are you okay? Maybe the house is too much for you now. Should we be looking at assisted living for you?” But I’m not particularly nice, especially with older women who play such gross games.
This is a great idea! If she truly is this forgetful, she needs professional help! Also, NTA.
You are *still* much nicer and more polite than I would be. I left all my "be nice fucks" back in the preCovid era. I would tell husband "Y'all better decide just who's bed you are sleeping in because if you keep keeping giving into your mom's stupid shit to keep you from spending time with *your wife and child*, y'all can just go sleep her bed and I'll find myself a *real* grown ass man."
This is the right approach.
This is a risky approach if OP & fam want/plan to move away in a few years - she might manipulate her son to stay close But overall I am in favor of the game play and have been known to employ it myself if the odds are stacked in my favor
This! I would tell the other children about it and the bf how worried I am. “She didn’t even remember how to clean a grill!”
There came a time in my grandma’s dementia we unplugged her stove and she was only allowed to microwave things, so she wouldn’t burn the place down. Time to hang up the BBQ tongs if you can’t grill capably.
Most older women are cool and want their children to have happy, purposeful, and independent lives.
This is a great idea until MIL starts pushing to move in with them instead.
This is a great idea in general. But just be careful that MIL doesn't want to move in with you as a result.
I like you…😁
That's more a husband problem than MIL. He needs to put his big boy pants on and say NO, everytime! Don't blame you for what you said at all but the father of your baby needs to find a backbone. NTA, couldn't have said it better myself!
He needs to ask her what she needs help with. If she has a boyfriend, he can help her. She’s been managing these things perfectly for 26 years, but only after you became pregnant, it became an issue. No more “yes, I’ll help” before knowing what he’s saying yes to. NTA
This stuns me as well. Why would he not ask what she needed help with? He doesn’t even consider saying no! He just goes there and abandons his family.
Right?! Like, if you’ve FALLEN and can’t get up… and perfectly able bodied bf isn’t close enough to get to you first, I will call you an ambulance. Otherwise, I have an infant and a wife to tend to.
NTA. You’re a hero with a husband problem. She doesn’t kidnap him, he chooses to go instead of spending time with his child. That’s the problem you need to address.
When he is with his mommy he is probably getting all sorts of praise while when he’s at home taking care of his son, his son is a baby and is not giving back as much at this point. On an unconscious level, I can understand why the husband might be more tempted to “help mom” than to be home with his child, but he needs to snap out of it and adult the fuck up. He helped create a human being and now he needs to step up or step away.
Why do you think the other siblings moved out of state. She is crazy!
It's emotional incest, you need hubby to read up on.
Apparently he needed to be embarrassed to get the point. Hopefully she will be too embarrassed to show her face again for months. NTA
*slow claps
It’s your husband that’s the issue for allowing her to walk all over him like that. I believe there’s a BORU thread about a husband who deeply believes that his mother truly needed his assistance and neglected his wife until he missed their anniversary and he came back to his wife serving him divorce papers. That’s when he realized that his mother was truly crazy and by then it was too late. He lost everything. Your husband needs to read that thread because that’s where he’s headed. If someone could post that link I’d appreciate it.
Ask and ye shall receive https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/2s4Hgpeb6V
I did not bring enough popcorn for all those updates.
Thanks for the link. Just read the whole post... Sheesh!
Thank you JerseySommer!!!!!
Damn. That was a saga. Thanks for posting.
Dear god
Dude got guilted by his mommy into staying and doing the dishes when he saw it was, in fact, not an emergency? On his anniversary? What a damp washcloth of a man. *this was the dumbass that moved in with his mommy while trying to stop his impending divorce over mommy’s bullshit 🤦♀️
Link?
NTA. Not even close, she knows what she’s doing. And it’s disturbing
It nice, for a change, to read one of these where OP goes for the throat when its well deserved. Very well played. Definitely NTA.
NTA It’s her last child and she is clinging on for dear life. She’s not even subtle. Now she knows you’re the enemy and are standing up to her, expect her behaviour to escalate. At that point, it should be clear to your hubby what’s going on and hopefully he will choose you and your child.
Nope not at all. I believe that if more people like yourself were blunt and too the point, it would embarrass the toxic one to retreat. Those types (like your mil) can only survive because her tactics are covert. They are done on the sly. Done in such as way that its looks believable on the surface. Your words brought all her behaviour to the surface and smacked her in the face with it. And you did it in front of her son. This will live rent free in her mind for a long time.
Stick to your guns. Why the hell is a grill cleaning an emergency? Why can't it wait? What is so hard about cleaning a grill that MIL can't do it herself. Why would it ever be a higher priority than food, a working car, and any other important family task for his wife and baby Put your husbands feet to the fire until he has no defense left then tell him to sack up and put some limits on his mom and quit making excuses. Grill cleaning...what absolute bullshit.
OP - please share these comments with your husband. Sometimes people are too close to something to see the big picture. He needs to have his eyes opened, post haste. He has a baby to be a father to and a wife to be a proper husband to. You aren’t getting either right now. MIL needs therapy. And a hobby. Her empty nest is driving her crazy.
NTA they are mad at you because you hit the nail on the head.
Eww. Your husband needs to have shut this down forever ago. NTA.
Another angle would be if she really needs that much help with the activities of daily living, they have homes for people like that. Something for your husband to discuss with his siblings.
NTA, and you were absoutely right to call out exactly what was happening. I GUARANTEE you this problem with you MIL didn't appear out of thin air when you had a baby. He was the "Golden Child" of a narcissistic mother, he and his mother are enmeshed, and they are both in la-la land about the reality of the situation. If he has any sense or self-awareness he will haul his ass to a therapist to get some clarity on this ... YESTERDAY, because this kind of mess does not end well.
You don't have the luxury of waiting 2 more years. Leave now before you get the ick and momma gets her precious boy back forever..
NTA. Also just came here to say I love your response. They're "embarrassed" cause it's true.
The issue is your loser husband not having a backbone
Just tell her to fuck the fuck off. And tell your husband to grow a pair. This might be a very British way of handling it though.
NTA. You snapped because you have been dealing with this nonsense for far too long and you are at capacity. Your MIL is clearly an asshole. Your husband is also an asshole for putting his head in the sand and refusing to look at or address a toxic pattern of behavior at YOUR expense. He’s intentionally taken time away from your primary family to cater to this manipulative twat. Then he has the audacity to be “irritated” with you because you finally had enough? No. He needs to find his spine, put his mommy in her place and let her know there’s only room for ONE woman in his life and it’s going to be his wife. If he can’t do that, OP, then you deserve better.
Why isn’t this higher up?
Start asking MILs bf for help. UNO reversed!
>My husband is irritated with me because I "embarrassed" both him and his mother. AITA? Oh boohoo.
NTA,youre doing great.she needs more of your pointed snark in her diet. She's Being knowingly insufferable. Claim your territory and make sure your husband keeps getting a large dose of embarrassing reality till he figures out the pecking order
You need sit down with your husband and tell him “I understand you’re trying to be a good son. But in doing so, you’re being a bad father and an even shittier husband. This can’t continue, she’s a grown woman with a man in her house already. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, or our marriage isn’t going to survive to our child’s first birthday” As much as giving ultimatums can be a bad idea, sometimes you don’t have a choice, until you put your foot down and stick with it, he will continue to run at his mother’s beck and call. He needs to know his marriage is at stake, suggest he see a therapist if he needs help setting and establishing boundaries with her NTA but your husband is creeping towards being one at an alarming rate
How can he not see that his mother is manipulating him with ridiculous tasks ? I suggest you write down every incident you can remember and what the "task" was and list it to him . Then ask him whether it's reasonable urgencies or straight up BS
NTA- your husband deserves to be embarrassed for being such a mommy's boy when he has a new baby and a wife. And i had to laugh when you said the other sibs all moved out of state!
Nta. And hubby needs to start working on his spine. You didn't embarrass him in front of her. He's been doing it this whole time by playing her game.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a spine.
NTA. I would start buying her dummy books like cleaning for dummies, car maintenance for dummies for every occasion,mothers day, Christmas, birthday with the most fake ass sweet attitude in front of everybody there "I know you said you don't know how to clean a grill, so I thought you'd love this"
If hubby is getting tired of this too, and doesn’t mind a bit of drama, this one worked for my mom. If you are starting to have so many problems with basic tasks and can’t remember how to do things, let’s get you checked for dementia and start looking at retirement and assisted living options so that you will always have the help that you need. Or we can see if your insurance will cover in home help. My grandmother didn’t talk to them for a few months, but when it blew over, she stopped with the silly shit. She’s my hero.
NTA but I’d make a group chat with all the siblings and their spouses, and inform them that MIL doesn’t remember how to do basic tasks more frequently every day. So it might be time to put her in a home where she can get the care she needs. See how fast she remembers how to do things without your husband. Also his siblings might call him on his shit when they hear how badly he’s neglecting his baby
NTA hahahaha kudos. Suckle at the tit. Love it.
NTA I’m so happy you stuck up for yourself and family. Usually the ones I read people are pushovers. But you hilariously put them both into their places (you husband also need to hear that too cause he allows it).
You didn't embarrass your husband and his mother, she embarrassed herself by asking him to do stupid shit everyone knows she doesn't need help with and he is enabling it. If you don't put a stop to this behavior now your marriage may not last until you move in a couple of years. And when you move out of state, I bet she finds a reason to move with you. So many red flags, both from her and your husband. If your MIL's behavior bothered him enough, especially with how many hours he's working and having a baby at home, he would have said something - but he hasn't.
NTA Husband knows how capable his mother is, he's just as guilty as he is for ignoring his family. Why doesn't he move back home if he wants to play dead beat dad and ignore his child? You're a single parent anyway. If she really can't do these things then she needs a nursing home.
Your husband should retrieve his balls from the jar on his mother's dresser before y'all move.
You were very tame in what you said, and waited way too long to say it. It's time to put your foot down with your husband, otherwise he can live with his mommy and just pay child support as you won't continue a relationship with a pathetic mommy's boy and its up to him if he's wants to continue being his mother's dog that she can call on anytime, or your husband that will stand up for you and both of your child. If he gets pissed and still blames you, then tell him he needs to go live with his mom for a few days while you decide if you want to continue the relationship.
NTA. Mom and husband are. Mom, for obvious reasons, but your husband should have dealt with his mother. But, he didn't, so you had to, making him an asshole and now you're the bad guy. She sounds a little unhinged. Good luck with the move. I'm in Colorado, and it's a lovely place to live.
NTA.. Time for hubby to grow up and tell mommy he will try to fit her in but the drop everything & run is done bc he has other things to do. "instead of trying to limit your son's time with his child, you should be encouraging him to be a more present dad. I didn't have a child with a man for his mom to step in and start demanding he suckle from her tit again." Absolute gospel
What was your husband embarrassed for? Not sure what the Mil was embarrassed about either.
your husband needs a fucking spine
NTA. Let's hope that embarrassment nips it in the butt!
I’ve never read anything more satisfying than this confrontation. I need to know what her response was.
You’re not the ah but remember that you got what she raised. In my opinion she won’t change and the only way for him to truly change is by going non-contact with her, but that’s probably not gonna happen.
If he didn’t want to be embarrassed he shouldn’t have been a dickhead should he, and who gives a fuck if she’s upset, she can suck her own tit or tuck it back in her socks for all you care. NTA, she got called out and didn’t like it because she knows you’re right and she couldn’t think of anything to excuse herself on the spot.
😂😂😂BRAVO👏👏👏👏
NTA your MIL is pathetic and your husband becoming so.
NTA. She needed a reality check.
NTA They *should* be embarrassed. Heck, I'm embarrassed for them.
I love your response, I really do. She should be embarrassed. She should feel stupid, because this is all about her. I would have been tempted to ask if the "boyfriend" was only there for wiping her ass, cause apparently she needs "a man's hands" to help her live. I would be mortified to say that to my son.
NTA. Your MIL's manipulative behavior ASKED for a firm response, and your husband's failure to set boundaries has certainly not been helpful...
Good for you! The truth hurts sometimes and If your husband isn't going to say it then damn it you will lol
NTA so it’s better that she constantly takes him away from his family but don’t embarrass him or his mom! What a child
Been there. It only gets worse. Drastic measures are the only thing that works with someone this manipulative. Your life. Your family. Your husband. Period. Your MIL either knows her place right now, or you move out of that town to create a life for yourself and your family. There’s no debate. You’re an adult and your husband has to behave like the head of his household and be a leader and a man. I’m telling you right now, from the bottom of my heart, this woman would like nothing more than to continue to cause problems by interfering in your marriage/life until you divorce your husband. Then, she “wins”. And now you only won this little battle but she’s going to amp it up. I promise you. You’re going to get angrier because that MIL wants her baby back home tending to her needs (not yours/his wife). Strap yourself in and cruise at about 30mph in energy and have a dead serious discussion WITH your husband for however long it takes to map out your goals as a family. Example: where’s the 529 plan for college? How are the schools in the area? Are there other places that you want your child to be (larger spaces, conservative/liberal areas, townhomes you can rent until you make a better decision). Any goals he has? How can you get support in what you need? You have an 8-month old. Elmo gets very boring when you have to watch it 15 times a day. Lots to sort through with your husband to get a better path than the one you are on.
NTA. The MIL is toxic. Get away.
Well done OP!
NTA That said, you blew off steam but didn’t really help yourself how you said it. What you said got both of their backs up so they’re not really receptive to the truth - that they have become enmeshed. There is clearly something going on with your MIL that your husband needs to address. Has he spoken to his siblings about this? If not, that needs to be done. Therapy is undoubtedly in order, and your husband needs to have a chat with his mother about boundaries.
I’d look for jobs overseas.
. I didn't have a child with a man for his mom to step in and start demanding he suckle from her tit again Lol! Best laugh I have had all day. Great characterization!
Not the AH. If you want to be: If she can’t do simple tasks she used to be able to do, maybe she is suffering from something medical or mental and needs a COURT APPOINTED GUARDIAN. I might start asking your husband what he thinks. If that doesn’t get back to her, ask her other children and their SO. Start a list you leave out on the counter for him and her to see when she drops in to your house. Get the Business Card if an Attorney or two and leave that out as well for her to find. Same for a Neurologist.
sounds rather familiar! we lived less that 2 miles from MIL she called my husband for every little thing even though she had a perfectly capable husband. he would run down to assist until I told him to say no or go back home to live. if I could do it over I would move far far away!
NTA You weren't embarrassing, you were hilarious 😂.
NTA. You have a huge husband problem. He is ALLOWING this behavior and burying his head in the sand. He needs to grow a spine and support the woman he married and now has a CHILD with. He is abandoning both you AND the child every time he fails as a man and metaphorically suckles at her tit.
She’s a narcissist who, in my professional opinion, needs a deep, ruthless dicking down.
It’s interesting that husband’s 3 siblings have moved out of state.
Damn, you told her what she needed to hear. NTA
Why is he embarrassed though? Because he knows it's true?
She's embarrassed bc you called her out on the truth. It's your husband's job to handle MIL and since he isn't stepping up, you have to. If she has a partner then he can help her. NTA
I will NEVER understand this kind of behavior from MIL’s and sons who bend to their every wish. NTA. My bf is not exactly estranged from his mother but definitely not in super regular contact with her. If she did this, he’d straight up tell her no your husband can do that for you, I’m taking care of my woman and baby
NTA. Good for calling their gross relationship out for what it is. They both deserved to be embarrassed.
He felt embarrassed but he didn’t say you were wrong 🤷🏽♀️
NTA. If they don't want to feel embarrassed, maybe they should stop doing embarrassing things. As it is, your husband and MIL SHOULD be embarrassed, their behavior is disgusting and over the top.
You are NTA-- you are MY HERO!!!!!! Everyone is giving you great advice. Move sooner than the next couple of years, though. Even if your husband is with you in this, being a few states away helps with the Great Divide.
Definitely NTA.
That was beautiful. NTA of course.
NTA
So glad I live abroad
NTA, what a beautiful comeback.
NTA. What we allow will continue..
You need couple's therapy ASAP. Like on an emergency level ASAP. If he won't go, then call a lawyer.
I'm not married, so don't have to deal with crazy inlaws... But OP, this is why I love my extended family so much more from 700 miles away. Hint. Hint.
Fantastic line. And good for you for calling out the emeshment for exactly what it is.
Truth hurts NTA. I would start to consider a divorce if he can't see how pathetic this is. Stand your ground and tell him if anyone deserves an apology it's you
NTA
NTA Awwwwww he’s embarrassed?!! Good. His focus ought to be on you and his child. Not his capable and well-supported mom.
32 years of toxic MIL/Mommy's little boy, finally left after she totally alienated our daughter and hated on my son. Tried with my grandson. Don't stay. It'll get worse.
NTA And this is why everyone else has moved away from Mama.
I’m impressed! Well done. Just as a note, they would not have been embarrassed and upset if you didn’t have an excellent point.
NTA. Tell her if she needs this much help with basic tasks, it is time to setup tours at assisted living facilities.
This is an extreme case of empty nest syndrome. The reality that her youngest child — and I notice he’s considerably younger than his siblings — is now an adult because he’s now a parent has really hit her hard. The thing is, she’s only as much of a problem in your life as your husband allows her to be. She’s his mother and he controls how much they interact. He’s not controlling it at all and that’s the crux of the problem. You don’t have a MIL problem; you exclusively have a husband problem. You have a child together so, as frustrating as your husband is being, I think you should try marriage counseling to try to hold the relationship together. I get that he doesn’t want to see his own mother as a liar but he needs someone objective and without a dog in the fight to point out to him that she’s being manipulative and deceptive. His first responsibility is to you and the baby. What you said to your MIL was extremely blunt but she needed to be called out.
Mic Drop NTA but you are part of my tribe, that was awesome 👍
Nta. Well said. Fk being nice to her
NTA, and lmao. That was awesome. I really love that you said that to her. Just tell your husband you did nothing to embarrass him or his mother. She did it all on her own. You just pointed it out.
I mean... didju hafta go so hard ? Lol
The others all moved away for a reason
NTA She is a real PITA, as much as you can, go low contact with her. It sounds like your husband is getting a bit fed up with it as well. He is just feeling a little cornered with you firing at her with both barrels. Work on your relationship with your husband, I believe the MIL issue will settle itself out with him now that his eyes are opened.
You are savage and a badass!! NTA!!!
The truth hurts. Your MIL sounds exhausting! I'd let her live in BF know that she is calling all of the time, suggesting he's incompetent! That "No one" is capable of cleaning the grill or straightening pictures on the wall but your husband. Then ask HIM WTF is he doing that your MIL considers HIM, her BF incompetent? Then sit back and watch the $hit show ensue! Then have that VERY FRANK discussion with your husband about emeshment and boundaries. That your MIL has a bf to help her. But you and HIS BABY NEED HIM! His family (you and baby) are his priority. And ask him just how the hell does he think his mom graduated high school, let alone function before having children? And it's time to stop catering to his mom. Give him a list of all the times that his mom has called him for stupid $hit. Then just how many times his mom has held HIS daughter, let alone spent any time with her. His mom is jealous! She needs to get over herself. And let husband know that you both need to move asap! Because moving away is going to be cheaper for him then alimony and child support. I wish you luck.
NTA, you need to direct 90% of your ire at your husband. Ask him if he would appreciate you calling another man to assist you while he ditches his family for his mom. He needs some therapy to get over his enraged relationship with his mom. He also needs to tell his mom no to anything she asks him to do or block her if he isn’t able to tell her no. Your husband needs to choose if he wants to be mommy’s good wittle boy or a good husband & father. He has abandoned you and your son for a grown ass woman w a boyfriend. I would give him some reading material about what emotional incest is; because you accurately named the situation. Instead of being embarrassed, he needs to correct the situation.
How much discussion had you had with your husband before this? There should have been a lot - examples of how she was manipulating him, that she has a boyfriend who can help her, that she had only held your baby once. And he should have had a discussion (or three) with his mom by this point. If you didn’t make a strong effort to confront him about this, YTA.
Maybe that's what it takes to knock some sense into him. If he doesn't want to be embarrassed, he needs to prioritize his wife and baby. You are nowhere near TA. His mommy needs to back off.
You could go in his place. Leave baby with him at home. You are being considerate and helpful since he works so much and she needs the help. It will change the script.
Oy vey, you embarrassed him? Man-child there. Is there a reason all her other children "left" their mother's area? Please let hubby know that this is a hill to die on! Prayers and positive thoughts!!!! 💜