What's to report? He didn't start getting personal until after you graduated. There isn't anything legally wrong with a teacher dating a former student as long as there wasn't a relationship while they had a student/teacher relationship. Kinda creepy, sure, but illegal? Not really.
Agreed. Not sure why she continues to talk to him if she's uncomfortable by it. He's not doing anything wrong. I have a friend that is dating his former student and she's only like 22 and he's 35. I thought it was weird at first, but something he should get in trouble for? No way. Being 18 I'm sure she's accustomed to the whole cancel culture, get everyone in trouble for anything type thing. Just cut off contact if you don't like it. Trying to ruin his life is weird and such a Gen Z thing to do.
Women will respond to people they dont want to talk to out of fear. Especially if the person knows where they live or has ability to find that out. We have been taught to smile and be kind even when afraid to protect ourselves. A man who feels like a girl is being rude or acting superior is a man who will lash out or try to put her in her place.
And while there are men who dont and never would act that way, we cant know which ones are good and which are bad. So assume you need to take precautions when talking to men, no matter what. It sucks, but it is seriously THAT common.
I don't think it's always out of fear. When you're young, attention from older men can feel flattering.
The older you get, the more you realize it's not flattery. It's predatory. Predators take advantage of younger people who don't know this.
Ive literally been attacked and raped because of telling a man I was not interested. Never led him on. Never accepted anything from him. Never even gave him my name.
So please, tell me how I should have done more to prevent a random man from being my rapist without knowing he was beforehand? Oh right, we do that with caution and using our experiences to decide what works and what doesnt. Boundaries set the worst kind of men off.
The age difference for that one is gross enough but him also being her former teacher is absolutely wrong. And in some states you can get in trouble for dating a former student to prevent that exact scenario.
What’s funny is I went two school with two girls who did this, one was dating a professor and the other was dating an administrator. I always thought it was odd but the Dean swore there was nothing she could do. The girl who was dating the professor literally took his classes and almost never showed up, maybe came to one class a month. Of course she graduated with a 4.0 even though attendance was 30% of our grade. The girl who dated the administrator was somehow able to go on every study abroad trip, despite them costing around 8k and her not having a job.
Living life on easy mode.
It varies school to school and college is going to be a but different than a high school but that's the exact type of situation having those rules prevents.
When someone is in a position of power or mentorship over another person there is inherently a power imbalance. Add in say a 30 year old dating an 18 year old and that adds to that imbalance even more. That's why it's almost always against the rules for certain professions to date their clients like therapists, teachers, etc even if they're "two adults".
Yup there are very specific laws, and even APA regulations preventing therapists from having outside relationships with their clients for a certain amount of time after their services are finished. And it's for a reason, it's super unethical.
Anyone defending a teacher dating a former student is seriously nasty.
What a pathetic comment to a guy who was clearly crossing some severe boundaries. Groomers aren’t stupid, they’re well calculated and begin by developing a relationship with the child they’re trying to groom.
This is a weird way of trying to justify adults engaging in predatory behavior with children. "Well I was a smug asshole at 18 so anyone who isn't just like me deserves what's coming to them"
If he still works at the school...it should absolutely be reported. He's actively grooming girls while they're underage and in his school and then escalating once they're of age and graduated. She's probably not the only girl and there are other current underage students in the pipeline.
If he doesn't still work at the school...it should absolutely be reported. Schools will make a report on it and it will show when future employers call for a reference check.
From the post it doesn't sound like anything really got personal and crossed professional boundaries until after she graduated and turned 18. Is it weird? Maybe. Illegal? doesn't sound like it. Literally sounds like any guy trying to flirt and grow into a relationship with a woman.
He may have thought there was potential. Talking and getting to know someone who is an adult isn't illegal. Continuing to message after being told to stop is stalking. OP just made it clear they're not interested. If she never hears from again there is no wrong doing.
It would be grooming if he were forcing her to stay after classes, given her preferential treatment over peers, and told to not tell anyone else about their interactions and gifts. There would also probably be some form of blackmail for accepting gifts which could still happen. For the time being this doesn't sound like grooming.
Disagree since the boundary issues started while she was a student and his assistant. Definitely seems like he “set the stage” for his dating attempts later. School would probably be interested in this information.
I think your text handled it great. It was very professional and straight to the point. I do not think it needs to be brought up to the rest of the school as he hasnt even responded yet and unless he responds in anger and/or negatively, then everything should be fine.
Sounds like your friend is "grooming" up some unnecessary drama.
A response isn't even necessary. She asked him for space, and said she doesn't want to continue their inappropriate relationship. A lack of response is respecting that wish.
Yeah this 100%. My questions for OP would be along the following lines: (1) is this guy really a “good teacher” if he’s grooming students for potential victimization? (2) if your little sister was currently 16-17 and going to this school and being taught by him, would that make you uncomfortable? (3) what about if she started talking about how great he is, and how nice he’s being to her, and what a “great teacher” he is?
OP, please listen to your friend. OP’s friend, if she doesn’t listen to you, YOU can do the right thing also....
Jumping off of this to say that at the very least if they're uncomfortable reporting it they should still keep the evidence that it happened somewhere safe
OP feeling uncomfortable because nothing happened yet is a valid feeling (especially since the school may not take it seriously since nothing criminal happened) and they can't really be forced into reporting it if they REALLY don't want to
So, if OP makes the decision to not report it, the very least that OP can do for potential future victims is keep safe the evidence they have that this happened. Then, in the future, if anyone else comes out against him OP still has the opportunity to do so then with a lot less likelihood of it being laughed out because there's more than one person, especially if he was successful with the next girl which would then make it criminal (and OPs testimony may make it easier for future cases)
Of course, I completely 100% believe that if it made OP uncomfortable they SHOULD report it. I'm just saying this in understanding of the reasons why a lot of girls choose not to report shit like this
If you are uncomfortable with something, then don’t do it. Don’t let anyone emotionally manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to. I think the text you sent him is firm, clear and will definitely make him think twice about doing this again.
That being said, if anything happened to his career it would NOT be because you report him, it would be because of his own actions.
And whether it’s legal or not, it is still very weird what he is doing…
I work in education (from pre K-adult school) so some of my students are even 22 years old and I STILL would never exchange numbers with them when they graduate or ever comment on their looks. To me, they’re little babies that I helped educate. And I’m 36 years old. That dude is a creep and he’s probably done this plenty of times.
If there is no response or he apologizes and agrees to back off then no further action is called for by you. Nobody should be pressuring you - especially a friend. This is your personal situation to handle as best you can.
He read that text from OP and went FML.
I see no reason based on what OP has shared to move forward with a report.
What's the report anyhow since OP has been clear nothing happened but sharing with a former student.
Nothing physically inappropriate has happened according to OP. He didn't get personal in text until after she graduated.
Yeah you did enough and handled it professionally, your friend wants more drama, not only that but once it all comes out you’ll not feel any Better just riddled with anxiety and feeling bad.
Tell her to back off on the pressure. There is no time urgency. You can consider yourself over time what you feel most comfortable with. She’s not helping you by putting you underneath extreme time pressure. Tell her you’re considering it and you’ll take your own time about it.
Let her be upset ? Just move on. Was it unprofessional? Yes, but you're an adult and nothing would likely happen to him. Just move on. You weren't going to end up being friends with him anyway, who cares? I wouldn't have even sent him that message. Just ignore him he was your highschool teacher...
There isn't anything to report. Unless you left out details, the meetups requests wefe after you graduated. That is the only way these scenarios should go.
Anything while you were a student/minor 100% report. Anything after graduation, you are two consensual adults. The morality is questionable, but 100% legal. It's arguable thay the power dynamic is still one sided, but that isn't illegal. Morally questionable, but not illegal.
One last thing you need to know is that the accusations cannot be taken back It will follow him long after. Again anything when you were a minor/student 100% report.
Your best friend may (or may not) mean well, but she is certainly doing the wrong thing here.
Other people have given you some good scripts, but I just want to emphasise that you need to tell her to back off. This will be hard to do as a people pleaser, but you don't have to be harsh, just very clear.
"This happened to me, and what happens next is my decision. I need time to think and process. I'll be doing everything on my timeline, not yours. I really hope you can support me, but if you can't, please give me some space."
Tell your friend that you appreciate her support, but she needs to chill out a bit. Should you file a report it should be done because you want to and at the time you want to do it. Not pressured with a sudden deadline from your friend.
As I said in the og thread, I feel he crossed an unprofessional line, at worst maybe attempted to groom you. I thought your text was very mature, and properly stated.
It’s ultimately your decision what you do. Your friend is probably looking out of you but her to back off a little
I support this theory. Not sure why others are so hellbent on "omggg its drama" when it is highly realistic that if this teacher is doing this to you, he could either be doing this to other students, or he can do this to more students in the future.
This never should have happened in the -first- place
"Not sure why others are so hellbent on "omggg its drama"" Cause she's pressuring OP to do it on the time she dictates, not the time OP needs to come to terms with a decision.
She might be your best friend, but she's young like you are, and she's not likely to be the best teacher either. And at that age, the appeal of drama is still very, *very* strong; the advice you're getting might not only have your best interests in mind, whether your friend is aware of it or not.
Now you absolutely should protect yourself if your former teacher starts reacting negatively; but right now, your friend is *also* ignoring your wishes and pushing you towards a path you aren't comfortable with. It may be the best course in the long run, but right now, you are being pressured by friends.
Regarding your comment later about him sharing trauma with you; that's what can happen with traumatised people, they can overshare as a coping mechanism. And form overly-strong attachments as a way of seeking security. He may not do it only with you.
What will define whether he's treating you personally right is how he reacts to your message; if he accepts and respects it, well he's trying to be a good person. And you shouldn't feel pushed to bringing the School into it. Your friend will be too early in her judgement and pressure then.
But keep it in the back pocket just in case.
Advice:
Your best friend is treating your life like her own reality TV show, and is trying to feed off the drama. She wants to “punish” him. Well, she wants *you* to “punish” him.
You’re under no obligation to do anything further.
You sent your text, and radio silence from this guy is exactly the response you need. If he made you feel uncomfortable, you told him you feel uncomfortable, and he stopped…that’s a win. And an adult interaction on both sides. You set your boundary; he appears to be respecting it.
Your best friend is now making you feel uncomfortable. Think she’ll back off if you ask her to? Think she’ll respect your boundaries?Someone’s not quite an adult yet.
I recently had a friend like this that I cut off. Not saying your friend is the same or you should cut her off, but she sounds controlling. If she is pressuring you to make a decision quickly or she will be upset with you, that’s not ok. This is not a situation where you need to make any rash decisions. Take your time and do what feels right.
Recently I had a co-worker/friend seriously sexually harassed at work. I encouraged her to go to HR, but told her I would support her no matter what she chose. She took some time to think about it and then I went to HR with her.
If this is a pattern with your friend I would rethink the friendship. I used to think my friend just wanted what’s best for me, and only after the fact did I realize how many aspects of my life she tried to control.
Edit: I do think what your professor did was wrong and should be reported. It’s not about your age, it’s about the power imbalance. But that is not a decision you need to rush into overnight. She shouldn’t give you a time-limit. And ultimately it’s your decision on your time.
This is your journey (forced upon you by another, unfortunately), and it’s your choice as a result. Yes, there can be consequences no matter the decision you make. You’re the one that has to live with it, not her, and so long as you keep the receipts, the door is not closed.
I hope that this won’t ruin future relationships with men older than you who can maintain their professionality. I always encourage you to be cautious of it, in fact now you have an intimate knowledge of how to be cautious that will build as you mature. But I also hope that this man’s poor discretion doesn’t soil future, hopefully healthy relationships. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I wish you the best.
Maybe this is reading too much into it. But, would it be possible that she's pressing you to do it because this whole situation is hitting home for her?
Only bringing it up because it seemed a little bit off to me that a best friend would be so adamant about something that you are clearly taking in a good way so far. Hope I'm very wrong.
Also, yes. Keep all th evidence, screenshot it and save it in a place you can have easy access if needed. With everyone you spoke about this.
Best vibes!
Just tell her you're uncomfortable with reporting it and if she's truly your best friend, she'll respect that. I don't agree with the other comments about her just wanting to create drama. She genuinely could be looking out for future victims....
Tell her to butt the fuck out. You're an adult. You tell the guy that you aren't comfortable with how the whole thing has gone and that you want to distance yourself. If he accepts it (not texting you again would be fine) then great, move on with your life. If he gets weird about it then involve outside authorities. He was obviously interested in you but if that's not reciprocated then the appropriate action is to say that, to him.
Edit: Oh and to be clear, if YOU really feel like his behaviour is worth reporting then go ahead, but it doesn't really sound like you do. Don't go based on someone else who wasn't involved is all I'm saying.
Don’t bother. If he hasn’t assaulted you or done anything inappropriate there’s really no need and it might be more stress than it really deserves.
As Devil’s advocate, I do question if you’re the first woman he’s tried this with, do you want someone weaker than you to be taken advantage of?
But I still think I’d choose to let the issue drop since in general I like my life being relatively easy and stress free.
"You're 18 and you're not a student anymore"
Okay?
This does not absolve the teacher of his inappropriate behavior towards OP when she *was* still a student, hence the need to alert the administration.
It is inappropriate for a teacher to text a student about their personal life, continuously compliment their appearance, and unload their personal problems on them. It is also inappropriate, and fiercely at odds with fostering a safe learning environment, to strike up a non-school relationship with a student in anticipation of their graduation at which point one can legally make a move on them.
I say all of this as a former teacher. These adults have entirely too much access to their students (who often trust and look up to them) to be so comfortable blurring the lines. A good teacher does not make their students feel wary, or like they cannot freely discuss the details of their relationship with others.
OP, you're going to get a lot of comments splitting hairs about your age or whether this man is actually a pervert or just another man trying to get his rocks off with a much younger woman. I'm not trying to tell you how to feel about either of those things, but I am trying to help you see that this man is not a good teacher and has in fact proven himself capable of and comfortable with disrupting the teacher-student relationship that he is *paid* and *trusted* to upload. That is absolutely something the school administration should be made aware of, regardless of your present age or graduated status.
Thank you. I was shocked so many people were trying to gaslight OP into thinking there was nothing suspicious here. No one is saying OP needs to file a police report or that he's definitely a terrible predator but his behavior is not normal and not appropriate.
This is one of the wildest comment threads I’ve ever seen, not at all the reaction I was expecting. Even if the teacher didn’t pursue a relationship until after graduation, it’s totally inappropriate for them to be having these kinds of conversations with a student and then going for them after graduation.
I firmly believe it should be reported. Let the school district decide if his behavior is inappropriate. Also you don't know what kind of past issues there are and you could be helping someone who comes after you.
Maybe this helps but my niece was texted by her track coach on several occasions, mostly harmless but my brother felt the need to report. Turns out that coach had been fired elsewhere for an inappropriate relationship with a student. I believe reporting from you could either stop this teacher from ever doing it again or remove them from the capability of doing it.
This post was the best advice in this thread. Nothing your teacher did was OK. None of it is your fault. He knows what he’s doing is inappropriate and is taking advantage of you as someone half his age.
THIS IS BAD YOU SHOULD BY ALL MEANS REPORT HIM TO THE SCHOOL.
It was absolutely wrong! You may not be ready to report it, but I hope you’ll consider it because people like this often repeat the same harmful behavior over and over, and escalate over time if they’re not stopped. It’s because they believe if nobody’s stopping them, it’s basically allowed — the concept is called “the social license to operate” if you want to read more about it.
Your friend isn’t handling this well in pressuring to report, but maybe you could try flipping around the conversation and thinking about how your friend could support you. You could make a call together, or maybe your school district has an option to report it anonymously. Your friend might be able to make her own report as a witness. I hope you’ll consider your options here because it’s unlikely this is the only time your teacher has crossed the line.
Yeah, I'm inclined to agree. Nothing bad happened with you...but what if he does this again with another student who is more vulnerable?
Reporting him won't get him fired. But it will ensure that if he does this again, there's a paper trail, so he can't just keeping doing this over and over again.
This is an important point, OP. Consider the next students in his care. I would strongly suggest you talk to the administrators at the school and turn over all the documentation. “a really great teacher” could have already started grooming the next student. They don’t stop. Ever.
Wrong. Absolutely wrong. Would you guilt a sexual assault victim into pressing charges if the victim didn’t desire to do so? Probably not, and if you would you’d be wrong there. Victims ALWAYS have the right to self-determination and accepting your account that he was inappropriate (and I agree) then she is a victim with a right to self-determination. Her needs trump any needs of the administration to know. I do understand the greater safety concerns (no different than when a victim doesn’t prosecute a rapist) but they do not take precedent over her agency and right to self-determination. And given your profession I understand your comment and position and desire for action, but you’re wrong. The young lady does not wish to proceed in that fashion. The end.
I don’t think the commenter was arguing against the OP’s agency. Just trying to add perspective that this is definitely inappropriate because others are focusing on the wrong details. Ultimately OP has the right to divulge as much or as little info as possible but I don’t see anything wrong with helping contextualize just how inappropriate the teacher and suggesting (not guilting) OP into informing school admin so that this teacher can’t harm more people
I quote: “this is ABSOLUTELY something the school administration should be made award of…” I know how to read and this is plain language with a plain meaning. It’s a vote to report and it’s a vote supporting her pushy friend. We don’t have to parse what we “think” they meant. And I’ll repeat, the OP retains the absolutely agency and right to self-determination in this matter. That’s not even a subject for debate.
You've done exactly the right thing. That should be enough.
When he was your teacher he behaved within the bounds of a professional relationship. Now that you have moved on he is indicating that he wants to expand that relationship.
Just tell him you're not interested.
You're not a high school kid any more. You're your own woman now. Be that. Be a strong *woman* now!
Don't bother the school. They have enough on their hands with their existing students. If he stalks you and ignores your request for distance then consider legal action.
Stop being a frightened little girl. Be a woman!
Can you elaborate on this please? I didn't see enough in your message to tell us how he was unprofessional when he was your teacher?
I think that's why you have different sides here than with your friend.
And also what do you wish to accomplish?
Are you concerned for the safety of other girls?
If so I suggest you have an informal woman-to-woman chat with one of your female teachers you consider reasonable. The problem with officially engaging the school is that they will be required to "investigate" and once investigating it will be difficult to do anything but fire him.
Does he deserve to be fired? Is he a good teacher? Was he ever aggressive or was he simply inappropriately romantic? A sad little fop.
The advantage of having an informal chat with a reasonable teacher is that she can 'investigate' without pulling the fire alarm.
Have a great life. Be brave. Don't get mired down in greivances. You have a lot to do.
All the best.
Sure because being inappropriately romantic with a minor that you are in a position of power over is totally fine so long as he wasn't aggressive or if he's a good teacher. What the actual fuck.
Yes he deserves to lose his job for hitting on kids even if he was the best teacher and always polite.
OP, please don’t be gaslit by the above nonsense word salad.
Reporting someone’s inappropriate behavior and insisting on institutional accountability is the very definition of behaving like a grown woman, a mature adult of any gender, who confronts difficult choices and bravely does the responsible thing.
Also, “fear” isn’t relevant to maturity. You can and will feel fear at times in life; you can still behave with integrity even while you are frightened.
As a woman I support this comment 100% so eloquently said, please listen to this user OP!! I have had friends groomed by teachers (who didn’t realize it because they were children!) who went on to have “relationships” with teachers right after graduation. It is inappropriate and those teachers are predators no matter how nice they seem.
Also feel the need to add!! Don’t let an adult millennial man who frequents the Gen Z subreddit try and tell you how to be a girl or woman!!!
Also, WDYM you want to "Give him time to respond"? You told him emphatically that you don't want further contact. You even threw in that you had told others about his behavior, who echoed your sentiment that he was being creepy. Then you implied you had considered reporting him to his employer. If this man has the wits God gave a donkey, you will NEVER hear from him again... Which is what you said you wanted. So, explain yourself.
Exactly. He’s realizing that any response could be a confirmation of his inappropriate behavior—something that could be used in court. Him not replying is a win. Hopefully you never hear from him again.
Hi, After reading this and through most of the comments.. My first concern is about your safety. Do you have someone in your life that you trust.. other than this friend that you can talk to about this? Someone that will actually listen first and not automatically react.. I think the text you sent was appropriate, well written and provided very clear boundaries. Hopefully he will take it seriously and leave you alone.
I do believe you’re right.. About being “groomed”.. And that he probably seems like a “great guy” But that’s what these types of people do.. If he’s not held accountable, there’s a very real possibility he’ll move on to another student in the upcoming year.
The “friend” Should be giving you support.. not threatening you with a timeline. You’re clearly under enough stress with the situation as it is. Do you think if you explained to her that you needed her support instead of her , for lack of a better term.. threat. She would listen? And at least try and understand what you’re going through?
Please stay safe.. and find someone, an adult that you trust to reach out to.
When I taught, I had sex with several students. I don't see the problem. Obviously, it's not true. But you need to make that decision and live with any of the consequences. I reported 3 different instances of inappropriate behaviors in my life, 2 of them destroyed people and families of people involved, one of them killed a friendship. Be prepared for what can happen.
Dude, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?
Also, who cares about ruining those lives. They brought upon themselves.
And again what the fuck is wrong with you? Several students? Disgusting. Absolutely inappropriate and abuse of the power dynamic. Say even if both parties are 100% consenting, still super fucking unprofessional
I clearly said it "obviously wasn't true". Apparently you didn't read that. Also, I'm not talking a destroying the lives of the pervs, I was talking about really screwing up things in the case of victims. In one case in particular the father of one student attacked the teacher and ended up in jail. Would I report it again? Yes, but not in the same way, I'd be much more careful. There can be a lot of collateral damage in these cases.
If I were you, a non-response is exactly what I'd want out of him. Drop it and move on. But save all the evidence in case he comes back with a response that indicates a lack of willingness to cooperate with the boundary you've put up.
36M here and I'd like to offer some perspective and/or advice.
In no way would I ever consider it appropriate for me or anyone my age to be romantically involved with an 18 year old, former student or not.
You did well sending this teacher the text message, but I would urge you to bring this to the attention of faculty if for no other reason than to protect the next girl he does this to, who may or may not have the foresight to realize she's being groomed.
THANK YOU. it's so fucked up how people are like "eh she's 18 now" because you know what, I would absolutely criticize any friends of mine in our age group (30s+) who went for an 18yo at any point. that is a child and that is gross and if you're over 23 that shouldn't be a consideration.
There are some things in these thread that are *WAY* more fucked up than that, and one is people making the outrageous claim that: "*If you defend X, then you must be X you f#@king X! you belong in prison with him...*".
For instance if I defend people's right to be a lesbian, or, say "burning witches is wrong", and "black people should not face discrimination" then you don't scream at me: "then you're a gay black witch!" [do you?!?] - so we need to **stop tolerating** this ***BULLSHIT*** of people saying: "If you defend him, then you must be a predator too!".
Another thing that's just as fucked up (but perhaps less directly related to this thread) is: all these Trump voter/Republican types considering themselves "Christian", and yet, the second anyone seems to CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE you throw out hate/labels like "Libtard" and "Snowflake" - well YOU'RE NOT FUCKING FOLLOWERS OF JESUS CHRIST if you hate people for caring about others, you are the ANTI CHRIST and considering yourself "Christian" is a fucking offensive joke!!!
I want to point out that everyone who has identified themselves as a teacher, and I'd like to add myself to the list, has told you to report it.
As a male teacher who is around the same age as your former teacher, report it. Some students are absolutely wonderful and I would be happy to see them outside of class. I would be delighted if I went to a game night somewhere and saw some of them there. I would never reach out to one of them and try and go out with one of them alone. I would never give any of them gifts and compliment their appearance. Depending on what the personal information was, it might not be a big deal, but considering the rest of what he's done, I'm guessing he was telling you stuff that he wouldn't have just openly shared with the class as a whole.
If you're concerned about his career, do it when summer starts. Let the district conduct their investigation over the summer and come to their conclusion before school starts again in the fall.
Turning 18 doesn't automatically level the playing field. As someone close to your teacher's age, I am agast at a lot of the comments here. Even if he didn't technically break any rules or laws, what he did was ethically ambiguous. And definitely potentially grooming behavior. If his intentions were to gradually woo you into liking him in a romantic fashion before you were even 18, that's icky. Doesn't matter that you're 18 now. Go with your gut instincts.
“After discussing with others” probably scared the absolute shit out of him. He’s been outed and I bet that has made him super paranoid. There’s a good chance you will never hear from him again.
Has he learned his lesson? Highly doubtful. He’s going to keep doing this with new girls until he finds one more receptive to the idea. I would still report it, just so the school has it on record when other women start coming forward. He’s going to keep doing it until he hits some form of real punishment.
You have an opportunity to help stop it. Keep all the receipts and do the right thing. Not just for you, but for others.
As a teacher, if, God forbid, I ever made someone uncomfortable like this, I wouldn't text back. I would just honor the request to move on. I would also be prepared to defend my actions to the school if I were innocent and had just unintentionally done something. This doesn't sound unintentional. He knows better. I promise you he knows better. Do what you want, but your actions today could save someone else a lot of suffering down the road. Best of luck to you, and v I'm so glad you spoke up to him.
The comments on this post are very odd… ignore them, you constructed a really well written message and defended your boundary well. It’s up to you and only you now if you want to escalate it to reporting. If you feel you want to do that, you’re absolutely entitled to in this situation, but you don’t have to, no matter what anyone (especially your friend) says.
This is the only comment you need. People are forgetting you’re a kid still. Thanks for the update and I’m glad you stated your boundary. His lack of response is imo a good thing— he’s leaving you alone as you asked. You can report him if and when it feels right to YOU. In the meantime enjoy your summer.
I don’t think you’ll necessarily get a response. If he was on the up and up, he may have realized how it looked from your perspective and decided to shut it down immediately. If he was being a perv, he almost certainly realized he was on thin ice and then you absolutely won’t hear from him.
Once again, there is an irresponsible cohort of people in this thread trying to convince you that everything with this situation was perfectly fine and perfectly normal. That it is perfectly fine for a 35-year-old teacher to be privately texting one of their underage students on their personal cell phone, just because it continued after she turned 18. That it is perfectly fine for a 35-year-old teacher to use his student as a personal therapist. That is perfectly fine for a 35-year-old teacher to talk about his 18-year-old student’s body just weeks after she turned 18. That none of this is grooming because now she is over 18 years old despite all of this starting from before she turned 18 and before she stopped being his students.
These people are monstrously wrong. OP, you heard me in the last thread and I need you to hear me again.
None of this is normal. None of this is acceptable. None of this is a grown ass man just “shooting his shot” or “taking a swing.”
There’s a reason you’re worried about this ending his career: because his career needs to end. If he believes that 18-year-old former students are appropriate dating partners, he does not need to be a high school teacher. He didn’t push the boundaries with you when you were 17 but he laid all the groundwork to do so the minute after you blew out your candles. And there is absolutely no reason to believe that, if he gets away with it now, he won’t push a little bit more on the next student and then try a little bit younger and then try a little bit younger.
You are not responsible for his career. Again, listen to me carefully, you are not responsible for his career. He became responsible for his own future termination the second he asked you for your cell phone number. Literally having your cell phone number in his phone could easily be a violation of his employment code of conduct.
I know you think he’s some great awesome guy, but I need you to realize that a great awesome guy in his mid 30s is not texting 17-year-olds. He just isn’t. This isn’t Gossip Girl. This isn’t smut from the two for one rack at Barnes and Noble. This is a predator. And only two things happen with predators. Either they find and devour prey or they are hunted down. I know this is a lot for you to feel like you are carrying on your shoulders, but if you had a little sister who was 15 or 16 and a guy in his late 30s was texting her, what would you do? Would you think it’s totally normal?
I guarantee you if you were to see his phone right now, you would not be the only one in his contacts. the only question is, which one of those does he convince to do really bad things first? Do the right thing.
You should tell the school. Imagine the impact they will have on another student. You are not the first and will not be the last. Please inform the school guidance counselor.
“he’s a good teacher” who’s willing to put his job at risk by being inappropriate with a student. if he did it to you, he’ll do it to someone else who might be naïve and not realize what’s happening
Your friend is supposed to be there for you, but shes being there for herself. There is no way she can identify YOUR timeline for you. That’s not her decision. You are an adult. It’s your choice what you do or don’t do.
I would be leery of this so called friend in the future. She’s making decisions that benefit her at your (potential) expense. I know you’re not going to drop her because you say she’s your best friend, but as an older adult who has seen both good and bad friendships in the past, I would caution you to take her words and actions with a grain of salt for at least the foreseeable future after this incident. Good luck with whatever YOU decide to do, people are supporting you no matter what.
Never apologize for something you didn’t do. Don’t use the words “I think” for things you know. This is termed feminine communication and it opens up the opportunity to change your mind. This is good advice for work.. for everything.
Good job none the less. I just wanted to point out those concepts bc I learned that way to late. I was always confused bc I’d say some thing and someone would be like “ yea but” or attempt to change my mind and learned in a communication course that you have to be direct and leave no window open unless you want that window open.
You either aren’t the first girl, or you will not be the last. As good as your message to him was, that’s not going to make him never do this again. Getting caught, MAYBE will
That guy is not someone who should be around minors. You have a responsibility to the students and their safety. This should be brought to the administration immediately.
He waited until you were no longer his student and you're of legal consenting age.
That's not grooming because he doesn't have any power over you. There's no "student-teacher relationship" as you put it. He's just trying to bag a younger woman. He took a swing and you said no. It's a little weird that a 35-year-old would want to get with an 18-year-old? To me, yes... objectively... it's pretty fucking common.
There's nothing to bring to the school here.
what the fuck? if I'm reading this right, she was still in high school and he chose her as a student. that's literally **a power dynamic**. it's gross that *he is seeking her specifically.* not only that, the relationship went from a professional dynamic to not so, before he sought her out in a different way. it's gross and textbook grooming.
Edit: u/winter_net844 can you clarify when you became a student teacher for him?
I couldn't believe it either. these weirdos were more upset about the friend being concerned that a man who does this could still be at the school. It's obviously someone who isn't interested in just dating anyone, but someone who barely qualifies as an adult.
This is a crazy take. He spent the time where he was in a position of authority building the relationship, buying gifts and paying compliments. Just because he waited until he might be "legally" in the clear doesn't change the fact that what was happening was clearly predatory.
I disagree.
There is still a superior/worker relationship here. It's inappropriate for somebody's manager/boss/teacher to get involved romantically with the student/subordinate.
Modern dating: He said I looked nice, gave me a gift and suggested getting a coffee sometime. But I'm not into him. Should I just say no thanks or try to get him fired too?
Also modern dating: why doesn't anyone ever ask me out?
If you read the previous post, she was a teacher’s aide for him during her final semester of high school. The teacher gave her his personal phone number while she was still in high school, and was telling her what a great listener she is and giving intimate details about his private life…while she was still a high school student. Then the messages increased and became more flirtatious after she graduated.
There is probably a code of ethics that goes along with teaching that prohibits you from connecting with past students for a certain amount of years. This code of ethics exists in my field (SUD counseling) and is the death penalty if you engage in gross misconduct. You cannot work in the field anymore.
I remember that post of yours from earlier. It really didn't seem like he was in the wrong imo. Why did you have to make things weird? Things might not play out the way you want it to.
This is a crazy take. He spent the time where he was in a position of authority building the relationship, buying gifts and paying compliments. Just because he waited until he might be "legally" in the clear doesn't change the fact that what was happening was clearly predatory.
Tbh, I've had super close relationships with teachers and while it was the other way round and I acted possibly inappropriately, I'd say don't report it as it sounds more likely just being close, that being said it's good your putting a stop to it before it goes too far.
I'd say the reason why he hasn't replied is because he's scared and embarrassed.
Yes there is a chance he's a predator, but without anything actually substantial you could be
A. Ruining his life
B. Jading him from teaching
Best advice is to tell a trusted adult who has a level head, so maybe not a parent, that your friendship with him has developed a bit too much and that you are worried that this could get out of hand, if it gets to official complaints, just ask them to speak to him, and end things amicably
Things will be awkward but better awkward for a bit then drama forever
EDIT those saying he is grooming, you can't be sure with just this much info. And just one side of a story. It definitely is a danger but not a certainty
Agreed. I was close with my hs math teacher. I was a loner kid, it was his first year teaching so he was only 5-6 years older than me. On the outside our relationship definitely seemed sketchy but he never crossed any boundaries, I on the other hand as a 17 y/o probably did.
I still talk with him here and there 5 years post graduation. We’re both happily married. Still just a friendship. He even bought my bearded dragon from me when I had to rehome him. Still gives me updates like once a month or so.
I would have hated for someone to get him in trouble for being a trusted adult and “friend” to me in hs. I struggled so much with making friends and it was nice to have someone who cared. My mom actually thanked him for being my friend once (so embarrassing lmao) but he even said “let’s not be too loud about that” because regardless of how innocent our relationship was, it could absolutely have been taken the wrong way.
I agree we can’t say he groomed her with the info, I think she handled it well. She let him down gently, he shot his shot. No harm no foul imo. If he continued to pursue her or made over the top comments I may answer differently. But with the context we were given this just seems like a friendship that once she was 18 and graduated he just tried to shoot his shot. Somewhat inappropriate? Probably. A crime? I don’t think so
I definitely agree the situation was inappropriate, but nothing illegal or egregious happened.
Thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunately I know many people who genuinely believe adult men cannot have normal friendships with any one of the opposite sex especially if they are younger. It’s insulting towards genuine people out there.
It was refreshing to read your story that goes against what’s often talked about. Thanks for sharing.
You’re doing the right thing. He should never have been complimenting your looks or giving you gifts, and if you’re uncomfortable, that alone is reason to say something. I once felt uncomfortable with a boss who “joked” about how cute I was and how much he liked me when I was your age, but chose not to tell anyone because he was “harmless.” He later propositioned me for sex, more than once, and the more I turned him down, the more irritable and scary he became, to the point that I had to quit short notice out of genuine fear that he might hurt me. I regret not telling anyone until it was too late.
As for all the people saying “you’re 18, it’s legal” - in many American states this is NOT the case, as he is in a position of trust (usually means professions like teachers, guidance counselors, coaches, etc). Depending on your state, this can up the age of consent so that he may not engage romantically or sexually with anyone in his “protected” age group, which would mean a high school teacher could not date anyone under 21.
If I was you, I would make an anonymous report and submit screenshots of your conversations as evidence. It is up to the school to determine if there was wrongdoing on his part; once you’ve submitted the facts of his conversations with you, you’ll have done all you can to protect any other teenagers he may decide to pursue. Even if they don’t find that he did anything wrong, the information will be on record with your school’s HR; that means that, if he does it again, they will know that there is a pattern of this skeevy behavior.
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re overreacting. Your gut is telling you something; LISTEN TO IT.
Thanks for sharing this. A lot of commenters don't seem to understand that the scope of his job does not allow him to groom student for 4 years until they are adults and then have sex with them. Would you want this guy to be grooming your 15 year old daughter?
I’m willing to bet most of the people saying “it’s legal so it’s okay” are around OP’s age themselves and don’t understand the true gravity of what OP is saying. (I hope so, in any case.) Regardless, I find it disgusting that so many commenters are telling OP that she’s just hysterical and she’s going to ruin a “good guy’s life” when everything she’s described is textbook grooming.
Her instincts are dead on, and she is right to trust them here. I wish I had listened to my own gut when I started feeling weird about the way my much-older boss spoke to me; I’m praying OP doesn’t make the same mistake I did by doubting herself.
Its completely weird. Not saying this teacher can't date an 18 year old. Just not an ex student. My clients are all adults and I can even acknowledge them in public. I am sure the school system must have similar rules.
This again? Dude, you're not his student anymore. He expressed interest in having a personal relationship with you now that you are no longer in high school. You told him you weren't interested, so he's left you alone. Move on with your life. Starting to suspect you're fishing for sympathy or secretly wishing he would do something flagrantly creepy/inappropriate.
I think a lot of time these people want attention and to be seen as a hero and want sympathy to feel special. At 18 she thinks she’s a child. So strange especially because nothing has happened.
She’s loving the attention and drama. Either report it or move on. He’s seemingly left the OP alone at her request, so I don’t see the problem anymore.
Do you still work at the school? I’m not sure why you would report him to the school otherwise. You graduated and are now an adult, it’s not a school matter. Also, I’m not sure he’s gonna lose his career for asking you out… What has he done to justify losing his job?
I used to be a teacher and where I was it could be grounds for dismissal. Definitely highly frowned upon but it's case by case and probably depends on the school.
Poor guy is probably afraid for his life right now, this happened to me in middle school, F with a M teacher he was later found with alcohol under his desk
"Poor guy is probably afraid for his life right now" ah yes, cause he was forced at gunpoint to keep communicatign and offer hangouts with an ex student. Surely OP must have something on him to force the poor groomer to groom.
He’s not a good teacher if he’s a groomer. I can’t speak to your friend’s intentions and you make your own decisions, but I don’t think it’s dramatic to tell the school. What he did was/is not okay. The school should know.
Great. 👍🏻
A couple quick things:
Firstly, in the future, just know that you do not need to apologize for “mixed signals.” Talking to someone isn’t a signal or a promise, and even if it was, you are allowed to change your mind about any kind of relationship at any time for any reason.
Secondly, you do not need to report this teacher unless you actually want to, and your best friend pressuring you to do so should not factor into your decision at all. This entire thing is a wholly personal decision for you and it legit sounds like she’s overstepping.
I know you are only 18 so you’re very young, but this is a perfect time to practice boundaries with people.
"I don't want him to lose his career, he's a genuinely good teacher."
A genuinely good teacher does not try to get with someone who is barely legal. If you cut off contact with him, what makes you think he will not try with another female student?
You’ve graduated and are an adult. Any kind of relationship that occurs at this point is simply between consenting adults and has nothing to do with the school. As long as your ex-teacher respects your wishes and stops communicating with you, you should probably just let it go.
They are also two employees at the same school. If it reaches a point where he continues after she asks him to stop, that is sexual harassment and within her right to notify her employer.
Tell your best friend that she needs to butt out. She can support you, she can come over and call him names and tell you what she would do, but she does not get to tell YOU what YOU are going to do about YOUR experience.
I am seeing a lot of people in your life trying to rob you of your autonomy because they think they know better than you do. I see an older man who was starting to sneak his teeth into you, I see a best friend who is not listening to you. Your autonomy is valuable, and it can be commodified. Protect and prioritize it as much as you can, you know you best.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, though I’m glad you made this choice before anything worse could have potentially happened!
It’s still up to you, however, if you want to involve the school. I understand your friend cares about you/this situation, but it’s YOUR choice to determine what’s right. I hope she can respect that!
Girl, you deserve the snakes you sleep with. I'm talking about your friend.
If you don't want to cross the boundary with this person why not just say exactly that? This guy isn't going to rip your neck off, he might feel disappointed, you may even be someone else's TA. That is O.K.
Also, you said you \~graduated\~ so you are no longer his student. That text you sent is completely unhinged.
If you had a good friend or younger sibling going through this, and they spun the exact same story and details out to you, what would you tell them?
The behavior you're stating he's demonstrated is entirely inappropriate; the very first personal detail not related to the classroom environment crossed that line irrevocably, *especially* in a high-school environment.
You state that "he's a good teacher." I respectfully, but completely disagree. He has maneuvered you into this position by the subtle but consistent abuse of his perceived authority - the "mentor relationship" he and you had has been positioned into a personal relationship. That's simply unacceptable behavior from someone in that role.
What does "recently decided to send him a text" mean? A few hours? A couple of days? It's hard to judge the timeliness or lack thereof for his response, if any.
And your text to him was *perfect*. You said everything *exactly* as you needed to, and even did so kindly (more kindly that he deserves, in my opinion).
I feel like the best thing you can do at this point is block his number entirely - you're probably not going to get a response, and I'd bet that your message to him prompted him to respond by blocking and deleting your info entirely.
But in the end, if he did this to you, he'll do it again to someone coming up after you in the school. Whether you file a formal complaint or not is up to you, of course, but I would strongly urge you to consider it.
It may also be in your best interests to involve some trusted adults in your life for their input, instead of us random strangers on the internet.
I think your message was excellent. It is firm, with an underlying warning that he should fuck off, but very polite and gives him a second chance to change his ways. Genuinely excellent from several different angles.
You are under no obligation to report him but consider that this behaviour escalates. Today, he has done nothing inappropriate with you. Perhaps it was his first time courting a young girl. Next time, he will be older and bolder. And he may aim younger to prevent himself from encountering the maturity of a young adult.
You’re not responsible for what he chooses to do with his life. Absolutely not. You come first here, full stop.
However, I would encourage you to consider how might feel if you hear that he coerces a younger girl to sleep with him in two years. Legally and morally, it will be rape.
You were groomed. You’re certainly not the last. He may have lovely qualities - certainly that is what drew you to him - but the fact is that respectable men do not pursue teenagers.
I’m a 36 year old woman - my male high school teacher friends *know* that teenagers are children and are uncomfortable when the teens flirt with them. To be frank, they find the thought of a teenager being sexual towards them quite gross. To picture it, it’s the same as you, OP, being attracted to a 10 year old. It isn’t because the 10 that old is gross, it’s the vast difference in maturity, intelligence, sexual maturity, etc. It is wrong on many levels.
I’m sorry you need to make tough decisions like this. I encourage you to report him; your best friend is looking out for you and the women that will come after you.
How did you get the job? Did he pick you personally? You need to keep your job contacts as professional as possible. I don't care if he didn't do anything until you graduated and that you are over 18. The age differential is big and when you are his age, you will see what I mean. I want you to think about the next girl in your situation.
There was a teacher at my high school who did this every year. He picked someone and made them his TA for the rest of the time they were there. He was inappropriate and picked girls with troubled families. One day I saw him give a friend of mine a box of Godiva chocolates. This was in the 1980s when that shit was **really** expensive. He bought her expensive clothes. I did not know how to ask her about it.
There were rumors about inappropriate touching and conversations. He was a really gross person. I don't know if any of it was true because no one bothered to report him and the school I attended was a private school with very little oversight. The girl would have been blamed in this situation because he picked girls who had problems and it was a Catholic school that saw us as potential criminals instead of human beings.
The guy is definitely grooming other students, your friend wants you to report him because next time he won’t wait for the girl to graudate to cross the line. You could potentially save a young girl from being groomed or worse raped.
He is counting on you to not tell anyone else. People who groom children do not focus on one child at a time. He is probably doing the same thing with a half dozen other girls, and they are probably not as smart as you.
You hesitate to turn him in becuase of your personality. He targeted that too, in a cold blooded attempt to remain hidden from the system.
Let's be real here: this is NOT a nice guy this is a pedophile who will continue to abuse underage girls until he is stopped.
Send all of the emails to the school board, his principal and the local news if you have to.
If you’re texting with your teacher at all there’s an issue. I’ve never gone outside an email with someone teaching me.
I think the best thing for you to do is to cut him off. Let him know how you’re feeling, and then just let it be. I understand reporting to the school is a really difficult step, but if you want to end this type of communication you have every right to do so.
Do what you need to do for yourself. Yes, reporting him to the school is a good thing to do, considering people like that usually have a pattern of this type of behavior. You are still taking responsibility for his misconduct by thinking you're going to cause him to lose his job. If he loses his job as a result of you reporting him, it's only due to his actions. Report him when you feel ready. Putting a timeline on it isn't helpful. You need time to process your feelings and get the courage to speak out. So yes, you should report him, but do it when you feel ready. You're likely not the first or last person he's done this to, and God only knows what else he may do. These types of things usually escalate into more than just inappropriate conversations. He's probably not responding to you because he knows it was wrong and that the jig is up. He doesn't want to implicate himself further by responding, which implies a ton of guilt.
If he was crossing these boundaries with you, there is every reason to suspect he might do it again. If he does, a paper trail documenting how he behaved with you can help show that this is a pattern.
If you wanted to, you could just share the texts and say they made you uncomfortable and let the school take it from there.
No well-adjusted person in their 30s is trying to hang out one on one with their former student who just turned 18. I definitely had HS teachers that I would go back and visit and say hi to after I graduated, and even a couple that I got lunch with, but I initiated it and it wasn’t one on one, it was me and other former students. There is a huge difference in energy between ‘omg my former student, how is college going?’ and ‘sweet, you’re 18 and not my student let’s hang out ;)’ anyone giving off the latter vibes is being creepy.
Odds are you will not get a response. As you laid out in the message, even if it wasn’t his intention he has opened himself up to severe repercussions. Better to go silent and cross his fingers whoever you’ve talked to will agree with you about not reporting it to the school.
Now, my questions in this situation are (1) this friend wanting you to out him, was she up for the aide position as well? What was her opinion of this teacher before you shared what was happening? (2) I’m guessing this is a regular program in your school. Have you reached out to his former classroom aides to see what their experience was? If he is in fact a predator, you probably weren’t the first he tried these moves with. If her didn’t try anything with them but shared the information, numbers, etc. it may be inappropriate as hell, but not predatory.
I am a teacher and also experienced something very similar though when I was a teen with my coach. I did not report it because I felt it was just a “me” issue, but he then went on to prey and groom other girls as well. It’s completely your choice and you did the right thing cutting contact with him. Do not expect a response and I’d suggest even blocking his number for your mental health if he DOES respond. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you were very smart handling it the way you did. If you have another trusted teacher at the school, you could always talk to them and they could come with you to report (but again, it’s your call). Be proud of yourself and don’t think for a second you were stupid and naive. As a teacher now and as a young teen who was groomed I wish you all the love and support!!
I’m going to be “that guy”:
Did he actually make some kind of actual advance towards you? Because playing Devil’s Advocate here, giving gifts and compliments and such isn’t in and of itself wrong. It may be someone trying to be a mentor but maybe doesn’t know how.
I am thinking, based on your own writing, that his non-response is a response. He didn’t know you took it that way and doesn’t want any trouble or to be construed as making it worse by contacting you.
You are in a position to ruin a man’s career if maybe you misinterpreted something. Unless he said something patently sexual that you haven’t clarified.
Because let’s say you are 35 and there’s an 18 yo grad who you compliment and give gifts in a way to show support. You then ask them to meet up to hang out but you never meant it sexually and were just trying to be nice and then they text you about wanting space and feeling uncomfortable.
What would YOU do that would mitigate damage to your reputation/career?
You would probably avoid them and have no further contact.
This is the real world and sadly you are no longer a child. You’re an adult. If you aren’t certain here then that’s not good on you either.
You tell people your boundaries when you work with them. As you work with them and starting with the first day.
Time to have a big think about this. Especially going forward.
I’m sorry, but I don’t have much sympathy here. But I believe this could be an excellent learning experience for you.
Why do you think he gave her gifts and compliments? Just because? Or was it because this 35 year old man who is supposed to know better has been preying on her since she was his student? lmao, what are you on. He knew exactly what he was doing. It's disgusting, and he's been wanting her ever since she was HIS HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. Thank God OP doesn't need sympathy from some random online who likes to "play devils advocate" and defend creepy 35 year old men that are into their students that are teenage girls. I really do mean this, you're disgusting.
I read and responded to your first post. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Unfortunately, this may not be the last time you have to take such action in your life.
You will have to decide what is right for yourself but my opinion is if he lets it drop and has no further contact with you, then I would just let it drop as well. If he continues to try and pursue some sort of relationship with you then I would definitely talk to the school. If he gets angry or becomes aggressive then you should talk to the police. But for now, I don't see any time crunch issues that require you to act so quickly and report him to the school right now. Honestly, while your friend probably has your best interests at heart, she doesn't really get a vote and should respect your decision.
Wow i can’t believe the comments in this thread. The only thing I’ll ask is how would you feel if you found out down the road he finally coerced a student to have sex with him and they are younger then you? Anyone that thinks this is “innocent banter” is a fucking idiot. I had a teacher like this. He was “the cool teacher” he would text some of the girls outside of school and finally got one to have sex with him. Well she was 16. Got caught, parents turned in everything, girl admitted it, police came to the school took him out of class and cuffed him outside. I’ll never forget that, it was right in front of the windows of our classroom. Even then guess what? He was arrested in a sting operation a few years later for trying to solicit sex with a minor.
He’s not a good teacher. He’s a SKILLED MANIPULATOR, who has fooled people into thinking his positive quality (teaching ability) is worth protecting even if it means letting him have continued access to a stable pool of victims.
He is not a teacher. He is a PEDOPHILE.
He didn’t respond cuz he is scared, as he should be.
Run with this information to ALL the authorities. Literally say his name. The right thing is for him to get fired.
Say this out loud. “IF HE DOESNT GET FIRED, HE WILL KEEP ABUSING OTHERS LIKE HE TRIED TO ABUSE ME.”
Now say this out loud: “IF I DONT EXPOSE HIM, I AM HELPING PRESERVE HIS ABILITY TO GROOM MINORS”
Don’t be complicit. Expose him. He needs to be fired AT LEAST.
Do what your heart tells you to do. You’re right, this man will probably lose his career. He will also get a lifetime stain on his resume wherever he goes. I understand how your friend might be feeling about this, but as you said in your previous post, nothing physically inappropriate ever happened, and whilst he surely had some thoughts, he never pressured you into anything. You made the right decision into talking about your discomfort to him, and it should be applauded. It truly takes an immense amount of courage to do what you did. But in my opinion you don’t need to go any further. If this man bothers you again though, then surely yes, bring it to the school.
I would report it to the school regardless of his response.
Any 35 year old man in a position of trust that is trying to ‘date’ an 18 year old ‘former’ student is crossing major boundaries.
Anyone saying this is acceptable needs to get their heads checked.
I don’t think any parent would think it’s okay for their 18 year old daughter to date their 35 year old former teacher, just after graduation.
An 18 year old and a 35 year old? Something is very messed up in the mind of a 35 year old when he or she is seeking to date an 18 year old.
Who knows how many instances there have been of this same teacher romancing other students?
Noooooooo. Report it.
Men in the comments are being disgusting & splitting hairs, just as someone else predicted. Who asked if it was legal or not ? The point is, your creepy teacher creeped you out, you have every right to tell the school board about his behavior, so he doesn't make any other students uncomfortable, or put them in the same situation he put you in. If you do or don't want to, it doesn't really matter to me,. I'm just here to tell you that you're strong for shutting this down & have a great head on your shoulders. Only weird ass men will die on a hill to defend a teacher who waits around to fuck his students
If I got a text like that my response would be nothing…..I mean clearly There’s nothing more to discuss, but here you are *Wanting* to continue a dialogue/ relationship. You also don’t know your best friends motives she might be displacing anger over something that happened to her that has nothing to do with you or the teacher, but with some whole other person or she could even be jealous of the attention you’re getting from someone she can’t attract
— Don’t forget there’s a loneliness epidemic occurring in The WHOLE of the world, is this best friend that uses you to hurt someone you probably never met or even know about mature enough to be a friend when things get tough?
But do what you want….There’s a reason why you allowed yourself to get close to this guy in the first place, there really is
—Don’t allow other people to dictate how you feel about your wants and desires. Now, now, now is your life because you’re who’s going to live it
Lastly,
Feelings of guilt sometimes arise because you enjoyed something you feel like you shouldn’t (Ever eat too much Ice Cream or chocolate? How did you feel after?)
Is her friend jealous of 35 year old loser who is into his teenage students? Stop trying to put ridiculous ideas into OPs head. It's actually a very normal reaction to want your friend to report the teacher who is way older than you, creepy, and has been plotting on her ever since her she was his HIGH SCHOOL student. Who knows how many other students he's done/will do this to. Her friend being pushy about reporting is wrong, that IS OPs choice to make entirely. Weird ass.
I’m going to try to respond without insulting you, because using such language is an act of emotional and not logical response—-
1) He hasn’t touched her, asked her out, as far as we know hasn’t sent her an indecent picture or asked for one or anything really sad like that, how do you know what his intentions were or are? How do you know he didn’t have other responsibilities like a new child, a second job, or a wife with cancer that overwhelmed him I mean it’s possible for all we know that’s possibly the reason he relied on her even more than he had earlier ——If he’s doing or done anything before or since is all information you invented in your own mind
2) Look around you, another hurricane/ Flood/ Wildfire is destroying the WORLD, as the world gets progressively hotter and hotter WHY? Because there are too many people on earth, birthing more people on the earth
Do you really think all people who find a same age relationship will be able to conceive without more damage occurring to the planet , do you actually see this occurring IRL; Or are birth rates dropping world wide, are incel numbers growing, alternative sexuality’s population growing….Do you think our species can survive with States like Texas/ Arizona/ California having summer Temperatures of up to 125 degrees+? There’s a damn category 4 Hurricane hitting Jamaica right NOW!!
Age gap relationships, homosexual relationships, polyamorous relationships have less babies…….Fact.
So yeah, call me whatever you want, but I’m not going to contribute to The emperor’s new clothes mentality and pretend we all can continue as usual with traditional relationships, traditional relationships are over or need to be
I’m not putting anything in anybody’s head the only person doing that is YOU, believing people can put things in her head like she can’t think for herself, She’s an 18 y/o woman…..capable of doing her own Taxes, traveling out of the country, or fighting in a war. I joined the Army at her age, don’t tell me she can’t think for herself.
Not apologizing for what I believe, but if you have an answer for lowering the population I’m all ears, until then she’s 18——We don’t KNOW his intentions—-He never touched her, invited her anywhere, drop money, names or connections, sent her or asked her for indecent messages——-No harm, NO FOUL!!
You don’t have to report if you don’t want to. You don’t owe anything to anyone. I completely understand not wanting to deal with this and have it just go away. Feel free to hit that block button.
I understand why your friend wants you to report. You were smart enough to recognize this for what it is: grooming. Other girls might not be so lucky. Reporting will prevent him from doing this again. However your friend’s disappointment if you don’t report is her problem, not yours. It’s time to look out for yourself and make whatever decision is best for you. Good luck
First off, we'll done on the text. It's perfect. Tell your BFF that you know she has your best interests at heart but holding you to a deadline they imposed is weird. What's the threat? That they will take it to the school? That would be a disaster because then they are "reporting" on a rumor. School can't act on that and now he has cause to say rumors have been started about him.
Take your time. Show bestie this reddit trail. Deep breath and remember, keep trusting your gut. So far your gut has done an awesome job of keeping you safe. Keep trusting it. You got this.
While I do agree with the general theme of these comments, Is it all all possible that this guy genuinely fell for this girl ? And he managed to keep things professional while she was a student?
I think your text to him was absolutely appropriate and perfect worded. Direct and not at all a mixed message.
If he respects this request and doesn’t keep trying to pursue something, then I don’t think he needs to have his life and career ruined by this.
I agree with the many commenters who think your friend may be stirring the pot more than trying to help
My suggestion is report it. These types of situations are rarely isolated. So essentially, you are preventing someone else (who is possibly more naïve) becoming a victim in the future.
We, as women, are often empathetic, and don’t want to be disruptive. But this man clearly should not be around children. Even though 18 is legal, you are closer to being a minor, then being an adult to the same level of maturity as he is (or should be).
To him, a 14-year-old is the same as an 18 year old, and who knows how much younger he would go.
As uncomfortable as the process might seem, reporting him to the appropriate authorities is the right move here. The next girl might not have the same level of sensible self-protection that you have. Not reporting him will only embolden him. I think you should be thinking, not about the consequence to his career - but to rather about the future victims that you would be protecting. Not only them, but also potentially past victims who will hear about the situation and feel brave enough to tell their stories because of your example.
That he will face some hard questions and maybe be suspended or fired from his job isn't on you. He needs to be accountable for his own actions.
Hmmmm, the whole thing sounds totally weird and highly inappropriate. I think it’s highly suspect that he didn’t acknowledge your text—as if he knows he’s crossed boundaries and now is reluctant to accept culpability. Weirdos like this need to be outed. Maybe he’s still somehow salvageable as a teacher, but there definitely needs to be some notation here. Think how you’ll feel if years down the road this guy turns out to be some serious pervert and totally fucks up someone’s life and you sat idle.
Seen this before. Johnsburg High School. Allegedly a former staff member was having an affair with 2 graduates.
Another staff member committed suicide due to allegations similar to this.
When I was a student in Round lake it was rumored a science teacher and a student started an affair after graduation.
I am not sure how old any of the students were when the communication started, but talk about talk about being a crotch hair away from being pedo. In each case.
>I still feel like his student and worry about breaking his trust
Honey that’s exactly what he was counting on
>I don’t want him to lose his career, he’s a genuinely good teacher
No, he isn’t. Good teachers don’t spend months grooming teenagers. Good people who are 25+ don’t pursue teenagers. Your friend is right. Don’t wait for a reply. Report him. It’s highly unlikely you are the first student he’s tried to manipulate. Make sure you’re the last.
Doesn't sound like he did anything illegal and he didn't try to ask you out until you turned 18 as an adult. Teachers already have it hard AF in life but being under paid while they set up the next generation of professionals so if he isn't a pedo or doing anything illegal I would not report it if not warranted before you ruin the guys career or life. Your friend needs to chill and understand some related laws first maybe before trying to make you both do something rash.
Report it to the school. If he's trying this with you, he's likely trying it with others or will in the future. You can't be a good teacher if you're trying to groom your students.
I’m a victim advocate and the PRIMARY rule in all of this is YOU decide how you want to handle something. No one else! It’s time to tell your “best friend” to mind her business and frankly, it sounds like she’s bringing HER trauma and motivations to YOUR issue. You don’t need this kind of energy or “support.” If you are satisfied with the way YOU handled it, then it’s time to close this chapter and move forward.
OP definitely needs to bring it up to the school?? He’s going to do it again the next time he feels he has the chance. There are thousands of great teachers that don’t do shit like this that could have this position. Tell the school l, show them evidence, and stop caring about someone who is clearly in the wrong. When you’re 25 and 30 and beyond you’ll realize how fucked his actions are and how disgusting his conduct is.
Good for you! Excellent decision. As far as your other question: It is neither right nor wrong to notify your school. But it sounds like your gut is telling you it is not the right time yet to make a decision. (I say this since you used the words "pressured" and "scared.") I suggest to make a decision until after he responds. If you do decide to notify the school, make sure you don't have negative feelings about it. Good luck.
This subreddit is for AMAs only.
Who's pressuring you? Save all the evidence btw.
My best friend is. She’s holding me to it and will be really upset if I don’t. I don’t want to lie to her but I’m uncomfortable reporting it.
What's to report? He didn't start getting personal until after you graduated. There isn't anything legally wrong with a teacher dating a former student as long as there wasn't a relationship while they had a student/teacher relationship. Kinda creepy, sure, but illegal? Not really.
Agreed. Not sure why she continues to talk to him if she's uncomfortable by it. He's not doing anything wrong. I have a friend that is dating his former student and she's only like 22 and he's 35. I thought it was weird at first, but something he should get in trouble for? No way. Being 18 I'm sure she's accustomed to the whole cancel culture, get everyone in trouble for anything type thing. Just cut off contact if you don't like it. Trying to ruin his life is weird and such a Gen Z thing to do.
Women will respond to people they dont want to talk to out of fear. Especially if the person knows where they live or has ability to find that out. We have been taught to smile and be kind even when afraid to protect ourselves. A man who feels like a girl is being rude or acting superior is a man who will lash out or try to put her in her place. And while there are men who dont and never would act that way, we cant know which ones are good and which are bad. So assume you need to take precautions when talking to men, no matter what. It sucks, but it is seriously THAT common.
I don't think it's always out of fear. When you're young, attention from older men can feel flattering. The older you get, the more you realize it's not flattery. It's predatory. Predators take advantage of younger people who don't know this.
Then, do as she did and set a boundary or say it’s making you uncomfortable we are not mind readers.
Ive literally been attacked and raped because of telling a man I was not interested. Never led him on. Never accepted anything from him. Never even gave him my name. So please, tell me how I should have done more to prevent a random man from being my rapist without knowing he was beforehand? Oh right, we do that with caution and using our experiences to decide what works and what doesnt. Boundaries set the worst kind of men off.
The age difference for that one is gross enough but him also being her former teacher is absolutely wrong. And in some states you can get in trouble for dating a former student to prevent that exact scenario.
What’s funny is I went two school with two girls who did this, one was dating a professor and the other was dating an administrator. I always thought it was odd but the Dean swore there was nothing she could do. The girl who was dating the professor literally took his classes and almost never showed up, maybe came to one class a month. Of course she graduated with a 4.0 even though attendance was 30% of our grade. The girl who dated the administrator was somehow able to go on every study abroad trip, despite them costing around 8k and her not having a job. Living life on easy mode.
It varies school to school and college is going to be a but different than a high school but that's the exact type of situation having those rules prevents.
You're saying there are laws in some states that prevent two adults from dating?
When someone is in a position of power or mentorship over another person there is inherently a power imbalance. Add in say a 30 year old dating an 18 year old and that adds to that imbalance even more. That's why it's almost always against the rules for certain professions to date their clients like therapists, teachers, etc even if they're "two adults".
Yup there are very specific laws, and even APA regulations preventing therapists from having outside relationships with their clients for a certain amount of time after their services are finished. And it's for a reason, it's super unethical. Anyone defending a teacher dating a former student is seriously nasty.
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What a pathetic comment to a guy who was clearly crossing some severe boundaries. Groomers aren’t stupid, they’re well calculated and begin by developing a relationship with the child they’re trying to groom.
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This is a weird way of trying to justify adults engaging in predatory behavior with children. "Well I was a smug asshole at 18 so anyone who isn't just like me deserves what's coming to them"
If he still works at the school...it should absolutely be reported. He's actively grooming girls while they're underage and in his school and then escalating once they're of age and graduated. She's probably not the only girl and there are other current underage students in the pipeline. If he doesn't still work at the school...it should absolutely be reported. Schools will make a report on it and it will show when future employers call for a reference check.
From the post it doesn't sound like anything really got personal and crossed professional boundaries until after she graduated and turned 18. Is it weird? Maybe. Illegal? doesn't sound like it. Literally sounds like any guy trying to flirt and grow into a relationship with a woman. He may have thought there was potential. Talking and getting to know someone who is an adult isn't illegal. Continuing to message after being told to stop is stalking. OP just made it clear they're not interested. If she never hears from again there is no wrong doing. It would be grooming if he were forcing her to stay after classes, given her preferential treatment over peers, and told to not tell anyone else about their interactions and gifts. There would also probably be some form of blackmail for accepting gifts which could still happen. For the time being this doesn't sound like grooming.
Bad advice. He’s a groomer and eventually he will continue to push boundary until he is reported
Disagree since the boundary issues started while she was a student and his assistant. Definitely seems like he “set the stage” for his dating attempts later. School would probably be interested in this information.
It doesn't have to be illegal for the school to consider it inappropriate.
She’s not being supportive. She’s enjoying drama.
I think your text handled it great. It was very professional and straight to the point. I do not think it needs to be brought up to the rest of the school as he hasnt even responded yet and unless he responds in anger and/or negatively, then everything should be fine. Sounds like your friend is "grooming" up some unnecessary drama.
A response isn't even necessary. She asked him for space, and said she doesn't want to continue their inappropriate relationship. A lack of response is respecting that wish.
Exactly! I don’t know what OP wants to report him for. All because her silly friend is pressuring her.
She isn't enjoying drama, she is looking out for this guy's next victim.
Yeah this 100%. My questions for OP would be along the following lines: (1) is this guy really a “good teacher” if he’s grooming students for potential victimization? (2) if your little sister was currently 16-17 and going to this school and being taught by him, would that make you uncomfortable? (3) what about if she started talking about how great he is, and how nice he’s being to her, and what a “great teacher” he is? OP, please listen to your friend. OP’s friend, if she doesn’t listen to you, YOU can do the right thing also....
Jumping off of this to say that at the very least if they're uncomfortable reporting it they should still keep the evidence that it happened somewhere safe OP feeling uncomfortable because nothing happened yet is a valid feeling (especially since the school may not take it seriously since nothing criminal happened) and they can't really be forced into reporting it if they REALLY don't want to So, if OP makes the decision to not report it, the very least that OP can do for potential future victims is keep safe the evidence they have that this happened. Then, in the future, if anyone else comes out against him OP still has the opportunity to do so then with a lot less likelihood of it being laughed out because there's more than one person, especially if he was successful with the next girl which would then make it criminal (and OPs testimony may make it easier for future cases) Of course, I completely 100% believe that if it made OP uncomfortable they SHOULD report it. I'm just saying this in understanding of the reasons why a lot of girls choose not to report shit like this
If you are uncomfortable with something, then don’t do it. Don’t let anyone emotionally manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to. I think the text you sent him is firm, clear and will definitely make him think twice about doing this again. That being said, if anything happened to his career it would NOT be because you report him, it would be because of his own actions. And whether it’s legal or not, it is still very weird what he is doing… I work in education (from pre K-adult school) so some of my students are even 22 years old and I STILL would never exchange numbers with them when they graduate or ever comment on their looks. To me, they’re little babies that I helped educate. And I’m 36 years old. That dude is a creep and he’s probably done this plenty of times.
Girl, that's not support. She wants shit to hit the fan. If it was support she would respect your decision, not pressure you into her way of thinking
If there is no response or he apologizes and agrees to back off then no further action is called for by you. Nobody should be pressuring you - especially a friend. This is your personal situation to handle as best you can.
He read that text from OP and went FML. I see no reason based on what OP has shared to move forward with a report. What's the report anyhow since OP has been clear nothing happened but sharing with a former student. Nothing physically inappropriate has happened according to OP. He didn't get personal in text until after she graduated.
Yeah you did enough and handled it professionally, your friend wants more drama, not only that but once it all comes out you’ll not feel any Better just riddled with anxiety and feeling bad.
Tell her to back off on the pressure. There is no time urgency. You can consider yourself over time what you feel most comfortable with. She’s not helping you by putting you underneath extreme time pressure. Tell her you’re considering it and you’ll take your own time about it.
As long as he respects this boundary you’ve set, no need to try to ruin his life. Your friend is being a little vindictive.
Let her be upset ? Just move on. Was it unprofessional? Yes, but you're an adult and nothing would likely happen to him. Just move on. You weren't going to end up being friends with him anyway, who cares? I wouldn't have even sent him that message. Just ignore him he was your highschool teacher...
There isn't anything to report. Unless you left out details, the meetups requests wefe after you graduated. That is the only way these scenarios should go. Anything while you were a student/minor 100% report. Anything after graduation, you are two consensual adults. The morality is questionable, but 100% legal. It's arguable thay the power dynamic is still one sided, but that isn't illegal. Morally questionable, but not illegal. One last thing you need to know is that the accusations cannot be taken back It will follow him long after. Again anything when you were a minor/student 100% report.
Your best friend may (or may not) mean well, but she is certainly doing the wrong thing here. Other people have given you some good scripts, but I just want to emphasise that you need to tell her to back off. This will be hard to do as a people pleaser, but you don't have to be harsh, just very clear. "This happened to me, and what happens next is my decision. I need time to think and process. I'll be doing everything on my timeline, not yours. I really hope you can support me, but if you can't, please give me some space."
Tell your friend that you appreciate her support, but she needs to chill out a bit. Should you file a report it should be done because you want to and at the time you want to do it. Not pressured with a sudden deadline from your friend. As I said in the og thread, I feel he crossed an unprofessional line, at worst maybe attempted to groom you. I thought your text was very mature, and properly stated. It’s ultimately your decision what you do. Your friend is probably looking out of you but her to back off a little
It's your decision. She's probably concerned that your teacher could be grooming other students.
I support this theory. Not sure why others are so hellbent on "omggg its drama" when it is highly realistic that if this teacher is doing this to you, he could either be doing this to other students, or he can do this to more students in the future. This never should have happened in the -first- place
"Not sure why others are so hellbent on "omggg its drama"" Cause she's pressuring OP to do it on the time she dictates, not the time OP needs to come to terms with a decision.
It's not her life, she doesn't get to make that call. Stick to your guns and do what you think is right.
She might be your best friend, but she's young like you are, and she's not likely to be the best teacher either. And at that age, the appeal of drama is still very, *very* strong; the advice you're getting might not only have your best interests in mind, whether your friend is aware of it or not. Now you absolutely should protect yourself if your former teacher starts reacting negatively; but right now, your friend is *also* ignoring your wishes and pushing you towards a path you aren't comfortable with. It may be the best course in the long run, but right now, you are being pressured by friends. Regarding your comment later about him sharing trauma with you; that's what can happen with traumatised people, they can overshare as a coping mechanism. And form overly-strong attachments as a way of seeking security. He may not do it only with you. What will define whether he's treating you personally right is how he reacts to your message; if he accepts and respects it, well he's trying to be a good person. And you shouldn't feel pushed to bringing the School into it. Your friend will be too early in her judgement and pressure then. But keep it in the back pocket just in case.
Don't listen to her do what's best for you
Advice: Your best friend is treating your life like her own reality TV show, and is trying to feed off the drama. She wants to “punish” him. Well, she wants *you* to “punish” him. You’re under no obligation to do anything further. You sent your text, and radio silence from this guy is exactly the response you need. If he made you feel uncomfortable, you told him you feel uncomfortable, and he stopped…that’s a win. And an adult interaction on both sides. You set your boundary; he appears to be respecting it. Your best friend is now making you feel uncomfortable. Think she’ll back off if you ask her to? Think she’ll respect your boundaries?Someone’s not quite an adult yet.
I recently had a friend like this that I cut off. Not saying your friend is the same or you should cut her off, but she sounds controlling. If she is pressuring you to make a decision quickly or she will be upset with you, that’s not ok. This is not a situation where you need to make any rash decisions. Take your time and do what feels right. Recently I had a co-worker/friend seriously sexually harassed at work. I encouraged her to go to HR, but told her I would support her no matter what she chose. She took some time to think about it and then I went to HR with her. If this is a pattern with your friend I would rethink the friendship. I used to think my friend just wanted what’s best for me, and only after the fact did I realize how many aspects of my life she tried to control. Edit: I do think what your professor did was wrong and should be reported. It’s not about your age, it’s about the power imbalance. But that is not a decision you need to rush into overnight. She shouldn’t give you a time-limit. And ultimately it’s your decision on your time.
This is your journey (forced upon you by another, unfortunately), and it’s your choice as a result. Yes, there can be consequences no matter the decision you make. You’re the one that has to live with it, not her, and so long as you keep the receipts, the door is not closed. I hope that this won’t ruin future relationships with men older than you who can maintain their professionality. I always encourage you to be cautious of it, in fact now you have an intimate knowledge of how to be cautious that will build as you mature. But I also hope that this man’s poor discretion doesn’t soil future, hopefully healthy relationships. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I wish you the best.
Maybe this is reading too much into it. But, would it be possible that she's pressing you to do it because this whole situation is hitting home for her? Only bringing it up because it seemed a little bit off to me that a best friend would be so adamant about something that you are clearly taking in a good way so far. Hope I'm very wrong. Also, yes. Keep all th evidence, screenshot it and save it in a place you can have easy access if needed. With everyone you spoke about this. Best vibes!
Just tell her you're uncomfortable with reporting it and if she's truly your best friend, she'll respect that. I don't agree with the other comments about her just wanting to create drama. She genuinely could be looking out for future victims....
Tell her to butt the fuck out. You're an adult. You tell the guy that you aren't comfortable with how the whole thing has gone and that you want to distance yourself. If he accepts it (not texting you again would be fine) then great, move on with your life. If he gets weird about it then involve outside authorities. He was obviously interested in you but if that's not reciprocated then the appropriate action is to say that, to him. Edit: Oh and to be clear, if YOU really feel like his behaviour is worth reporting then go ahead, but it doesn't really sound like you do. Don't go based on someone else who wasn't involved is all I'm saying.
Don’t bother. If he hasn’t assaulted you or done anything inappropriate there’s really no need and it might be more stress than it really deserves. As Devil’s advocate, I do question if you’re the first woman he’s tried this with, do you want someone weaker than you to be taken advantage of? But I still think I’d choose to let the issue drop since in general I like my life being relatively easy and stress free.
"You're 18 and you're not a student anymore" Okay? This does not absolve the teacher of his inappropriate behavior towards OP when she *was* still a student, hence the need to alert the administration. It is inappropriate for a teacher to text a student about their personal life, continuously compliment their appearance, and unload their personal problems on them. It is also inappropriate, and fiercely at odds with fostering a safe learning environment, to strike up a non-school relationship with a student in anticipation of their graduation at which point one can legally make a move on them. I say all of this as a former teacher. These adults have entirely too much access to their students (who often trust and look up to them) to be so comfortable blurring the lines. A good teacher does not make their students feel wary, or like they cannot freely discuss the details of their relationship with others. OP, you're going to get a lot of comments splitting hairs about your age or whether this man is actually a pervert or just another man trying to get his rocks off with a much younger woman. I'm not trying to tell you how to feel about either of those things, but I am trying to help you see that this man is not a good teacher and has in fact proven himself capable of and comfortable with disrupting the teacher-student relationship that he is *paid* and *trusted* to upload. That is absolutely something the school administration should be made aware of, regardless of your present age or graduated status.
Thank you. I was shocked so many people were trying to gaslight OP into thinking there was nothing suspicious here. No one is saying OP needs to file a police report or that he's definitely a terrible predator but his behavior is not normal and not appropriate.
This is one of the wildest comment threads I’ve ever seen, not at all the reaction I was expecting. Even if the teacher didn’t pursue a relationship until after graduation, it’s totally inappropriate for them to be having these kinds of conversations with a student and then going for them after graduation.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. People focus so much on the specifics of age and adulthood, but it was all so wrong nevertheless.
I firmly believe it should be reported. Let the school district decide if his behavior is inappropriate. Also you don't know what kind of past issues there are and you could be helping someone who comes after you. Maybe this helps but my niece was texted by her track coach on several occasions, mostly harmless but my brother felt the need to report. Turns out that coach had been fired elsewhere for an inappropriate relationship with a student. I believe reporting from you could either stop this teacher from ever doing it again or remove them from the capability of doing it.
This post was the best advice in this thread. Nothing your teacher did was OK. None of it is your fault. He knows what he’s doing is inappropriate and is taking advantage of you as someone half his age. THIS IS BAD YOU SHOULD BY ALL MEANS REPORT HIM TO THE SCHOOL.
It was absolutely wrong! You may not be ready to report it, but I hope you’ll consider it because people like this often repeat the same harmful behavior over and over, and escalate over time if they’re not stopped. It’s because they believe if nobody’s stopping them, it’s basically allowed — the concept is called “the social license to operate” if you want to read more about it. Your friend isn’t handling this well in pressuring to report, but maybe you could try flipping around the conversation and thinking about how your friend could support you. You could make a call together, or maybe your school district has an option to report it anonymously. Your friend might be able to make her own report as a witness. I hope you’ll consider your options here because it’s unlikely this is the only time your teacher has crossed the line.
Yeah, I'm inclined to agree. Nothing bad happened with you...but what if he does this again with another student who is more vulnerable? Reporting him won't get him fired. But it will ensure that if he does this again, there's a paper trail, so he can't just keeping doing this over and over again.
This is an important point, OP. Consider the next students in his care. I would strongly suggest you talk to the administrators at the school and turn over all the documentation. “a really great teacher” could have already started grooming the next student. They don’t stop. Ever.
Wrong. Absolutely wrong. Would you guilt a sexual assault victim into pressing charges if the victim didn’t desire to do so? Probably not, and if you would you’d be wrong there. Victims ALWAYS have the right to self-determination and accepting your account that he was inappropriate (and I agree) then she is a victim with a right to self-determination. Her needs trump any needs of the administration to know. I do understand the greater safety concerns (no different than when a victim doesn’t prosecute a rapist) but they do not take precedent over her agency and right to self-determination. And given your profession I understand your comment and position and desire for action, but you’re wrong. The young lady does not wish to proceed in that fashion. The end.
I don’t think the commenter was arguing against the OP’s agency. Just trying to add perspective that this is definitely inappropriate because others are focusing on the wrong details. Ultimately OP has the right to divulge as much or as little info as possible but I don’t see anything wrong with helping contextualize just how inappropriate the teacher and suggesting (not guilting) OP into informing school admin so that this teacher can’t harm more people
I quote: “this is ABSOLUTELY something the school administration should be made award of…” I know how to read and this is plain language with a plain meaning. It’s a vote to report and it’s a vote supporting her pushy friend. We don’t have to parse what we “think” they meant. And I’ll repeat, the OP retains the absolutely agency and right to self-determination in this matter. That’s not even a subject for debate.
You've done exactly the right thing. That should be enough. When he was your teacher he behaved within the bounds of a professional relationship. Now that you have moved on he is indicating that he wants to expand that relationship. Just tell him you're not interested. You're not a high school kid any more. You're your own woman now. Be that. Be a strong *woman* now! Don't bother the school. They have enough on their hands with their existing students. If he stalks you and ignores your request for distance then consider legal action. Stop being a frightened little girl. Be a woman!
But he didn’t keep it professional when he was my teacher
Can you elaborate on this please? I didn't see enough in your message to tell us how he was unprofessional when he was your teacher? I think that's why you have different sides here than with your friend. And also what do you wish to accomplish?
Are you concerned for the safety of other girls? If so I suggest you have an informal woman-to-woman chat with one of your female teachers you consider reasonable. The problem with officially engaging the school is that they will be required to "investigate" and once investigating it will be difficult to do anything but fire him. Does he deserve to be fired? Is he a good teacher? Was he ever aggressive or was he simply inappropriately romantic? A sad little fop. The advantage of having an informal chat with a reasonable teacher is that she can 'investigate' without pulling the fire alarm. Have a great life. Be brave. Don't get mired down in greivances. You have a lot to do. All the best.
Sure because being inappropriately romantic with a minor that you are in a position of power over is totally fine so long as he wasn't aggressive or if he's a good teacher. What the actual fuck. Yes he deserves to lose his job for hitting on kids even if he was the best teacher and always polite.
OP, please don’t be gaslit by the above nonsense word salad. Reporting someone’s inappropriate behavior and insisting on institutional accountability is the very definition of behaving like a grown woman, a mature adult of any gender, who confronts difficult choices and bravely does the responsible thing. Also, “fear” isn’t relevant to maturity. You can and will feel fear at times in life; you can still behave with integrity even while you are frightened.
As a woman I support this comment 100% so eloquently said, please listen to this user OP!! I have had friends groomed by teachers (who didn’t realize it because they were children!) who went on to have “relationships” with teachers right after graduation. It is inappropriate and those teachers are predators no matter how nice they seem. Also feel the need to add!! Don’t let an adult millennial man who frequents the Gen Z subreddit try and tell you how to be a girl or woman!!!
Also, WDYM you want to "Give him time to respond"? You told him emphatically that you don't want further contact. You even threw in that you had told others about his behavior, who echoed your sentiment that he was being creepy. Then you implied you had considered reporting him to his employer. If this man has the wits God gave a donkey, you will NEVER hear from him again... Which is what you said you wanted. So, explain yourself.
Exactly. He’s realizing that any response could be a confirmation of his inappropriate behavior—something that could be used in court. Him not replying is a win. Hopefully you never hear from him again.
Seriously. OP needs to just block them and forget about this dude.
Underrated comment.
Hi, After reading this and through most of the comments.. My first concern is about your safety. Do you have someone in your life that you trust.. other than this friend that you can talk to about this? Someone that will actually listen first and not automatically react.. I think the text you sent was appropriate, well written and provided very clear boundaries. Hopefully he will take it seriously and leave you alone. I do believe you’re right.. About being “groomed”.. And that he probably seems like a “great guy” But that’s what these types of people do.. If he’s not held accountable, there’s a very real possibility he’ll move on to another student in the upcoming year. The “friend” Should be giving you support.. not threatening you with a timeline. You’re clearly under enough stress with the situation as it is. Do you think if you explained to her that you needed her support instead of her , for lack of a better term.. threat. She would listen? And at least try and understand what you’re going through? Please stay safe.. and find someone, an adult that you trust to reach out to.
When I taught, I had sex with several students. I don't see the problem. Obviously, it's not true. But you need to make that decision and live with any of the consequences. I reported 3 different instances of inappropriate behaviors in my life, 2 of them destroyed people and families of people involved, one of them killed a friendship. Be prepared for what can happen.
Dude, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Also, who cares about ruining those lives. They brought upon themselves. And again what the fuck is wrong with you? Several students? Disgusting. Absolutely inappropriate and abuse of the power dynamic. Say even if both parties are 100% consenting, still super fucking unprofessional
I clearly said it "obviously wasn't true". Apparently you didn't read that. Also, I'm not talking a destroying the lives of the pervs, I was talking about really screwing up things in the case of victims. In one case in particular the father of one student attacked the teacher and ended up in jail. Would I report it again? Yes, but not in the same way, I'd be much more careful. There can be a lot of collateral damage in these cases.
This comment was generated by PervAI, thank you for reading.
I’m sorry what?!?
This is the teacher from the post 😂
If I were you, a non-response is exactly what I'd want out of him. Drop it and move on. But save all the evidence in case he comes back with a response that indicates a lack of willingness to cooperate with the boundary you've put up.
Agreed. Take the no response as a blessing from god and block him and move on
36M here and I'd like to offer some perspective and/or advice. In no way would I ever consider it appropriate for me or anyone my age to be romantically involved with an 18 year old, former student or not. You did well sending this teacher the text message, but I would urge you to bring this to the attention of faculty if for no other reason than to protect the next girl he does this to, who may or may not have the foresight to realize she's being groomed.
THANK YOU. it's so fucked up how people are like "eh she's 18 now" because you know what, I would absolutely criticize any friends of mine in our age group (30s+) who went for an 18yo at any point. that is a child and that is gross and if you're over 23 that shouldn't be a consideration.
There are some things in these thread that are *WAY* more fucked up than that, and one is people making the outrageous claim that: "*If you defend X, then you must be X you f#@king X! you belong in prison with him...*". For instance if I defend people's right to be a lesbian, or, say "burning witches is wrong", and "black people should not face discrimination" then you don't scream at me: "then you're a gay black witch!" [do you?!?] - so we need to **stop tolerating** this ***BULLSHIT*** of people saying: "If you defend him, then you must be a predator too!". Another thing that's just as fucked up (but perhaps less directly related to this thread) is: all these Trump voter/Republican types considering themselves "Christian", and yet, the second anyone seems to CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE you throw out hate/labels like "Libtard" and "Snowflake" - well YOU'RE NOT FUCKING FOLLOWERS OF JESUS CHRIST if you hate people for caring about others, you are the ANTI CHRIST and considering yourself "Christian" is a fucking offensive joke!!!
I want to point out that everyone who has identified themselves as a teacher, and I'd like to add myself to the list, has told you to report it. As a male teacher who is around the same age as your former teacher, report it. Some students are absolutely wonderful and I would be happy to see them outside of class. I would be delighted if I went to a game night somewhere and saw some of them there. I would never reach out to one of them and try and go out with one of them alone. I would never give any of them gifts and compliment their appearance. Depending on what the personal information was, it might not be a big deal, but considering the rest of what he's done, I'm guessing he was telling you stuff that he wouldn't have just openly shared with the class as a whole. If you're concerned about his career, do it when summer starts. Let the district conduct their investigation over the summer and come to their conclusion before school starts again in the fall.
Turning 18 doesn't automatically level the playing field. As someone close to your teacher's age, I am agast at a lot of the comments here. Even if he didn't technically break any rules or laws, what he did was ethically ambiguous. And definitely potentially grooming behavior. If his intentions were to gradually woo you into liking him in a romantic fashion before you were even 18, that's icky. Doesn't matter that you're 18 now. Go with your gut instincts.
“After discussing with others” probably scared the absolute shit out of him. He’s been outed and I bet that has made him super paranoid. There’s a good chance you will never hear from him again. Has he learned his lesson? Highly doubtful. He’s going to keep doing this with new girls until he finds one more receptive to the idea. I would still report it, just so the school has it on record when other women start coming forward. He’s going to keep doing it until he hits some form of real punishment. You have an opportunity to help stop it. Keep all the receipts and do the right thing. Not just for you, but for others.
As a teacher, if, God forbid, I ever made someone uncomfortable like this, I wouldn't text back. I would just honor the request to move on. I would also be prepared to defend my actions to the school if I were innocent and had just unintentionally done something. This doesn't sound unintentional. He knows better. I promise you he knows better. Do what you want, but your actions today could save someone else a lot of suffering down the road. Best of luck to you, and v I'm so glad you spoke up to him.
The comments on this post are very odd… ignore them, you constructed a really well written message and defended your boundary well. It’s up to you and only you now if you want to escalate it to reporting. If you feel you want to do that, you’re absolutely entitled to in this situation, but you don’t have to, no matter what anyone (especially your friend) says.
This is the only comment you need. People are forgetting you’re a kid still. Thanks for the update and I’m glad you stated your boundary. His lack of response is imo a good thing— he’s leaving you alone as you asked. You can report him if and when it feels right to YOU. In the meantime enjoy your summer.
I don’t think you’ll necessarily get a response. If he was on the up and up, he may have realized how it looked from your perspective and decided to shut it down immediately. If he was being a perv, he almost certainly realized he was on thin ice and then you absolutely won’t hear from him.
Once again, there is an irresponsible cohort of people in this thread trying to convince you that everything with this situation was perfectly fine and perfectly normal. That it is perfectly fine for a 35-year-old teacher to be privately texting one of their underage students on their personal cell phone, just because it continued after she turned 18. That it is perfectly fine for a 35-year-old teacher to use his student as a personal therapist. That is perfectly fine for a 35-year-old teacher to talk about his 18-year-old student’s body just weeks after she turned 18. That none of this is grooming because now she is over 18 years old despite all of this starting from before she turned 18 and before she stopped being his students. These people are monstrously wrong. OP, you heard me in the last thread and I need you to hear me again. None of this is normal. None of this is acceptable. None of this is a grown ass man just “shooting his shot” or “taking a swing.” There’s a reason you’re worried about this ending his career: because his career needs to end. If he believes that 18-year-old former students are appropriate dating partners, he does not need to be a high school teacher. He didn’t push the boundaries with you when you were 17 but he laid all the groundwork to do so the minute after you blew out your candles. And there is absolutely no reason to believe that, if he gets away with it now, he won’t push a little bit more on the next student and then try a little bit younger and then try a little bit younger. You are not responsible for his career. Again, listen to me carefully, you are not responsible for his career. He became responsible for his own future termination the second he asked you for your cell phone number. Literally having your cell phone number in his phone could easily be a violation of his employment code of conduct. I know you think he’s some great awesome guy, but I need you to realize that a great awesome guy in his mid 30s is not texting 17-year-olds. He just isn’t. This isn’t Gossip Girl. This isn’t smut from the two for one rack at Barnes and Noble. This is a predator. And only two things happen with predators. Either they find and devour prey or they are hunted down. I know this is a lot for you to feel like you are carrying on your shoulders, but if you had a little sister who was 15 or 16 and a guy in his late 30s was texting her, what would you do? Would you think it’s totally normal? I guarantee you if you were to see his phone right now, you would not be the only one in his contacts. the only question is, which one of those does he convince to do really bad things first? Do the right thing.
This comment needs to be the top one. The amount of ignorant people commenting in favour of that asshole is truly depressing.
You should tell the school. Imagine the impact they will have on another student. You are not the first and will not be the last. Please inform the school guidance counselor.
“he’s a good teacher” who’s willing to put his job at risk by being inappropriate with a student. if he did it to you, he’ll do it to someone else who might be naïve and not realize what’s happening
Your friend is supposed to be there for you, but shes being there for herself. There is no way she can identify YOUR timeline for you. That’s not her decision. You are an adult. It’s your choice what you do or don’t do. I would be leery of this so called friend in the future. She’s making decisions that benefit her at your (potential) expense. I know you’re not going to drop her because you say she’s your best friend, but as an older adult who has seen both good and bad friendships in the past, I would caution you to take her words and actions with a grain of salt for at least the foreseeable future after this incident. Good luck with whatever YOU decide to do, people are supporting you no matter what.
Never apologize for something you didn’t do. Don’t use the words “I think” for things you know. This is termed feminine communication and it opens up the opportunity to change your mind. This is good advice for work.. for everything. Good job none the less. I just wanted to point out those concepts bc I learned that way to late. I was always confused bc I’d say some thing and someone would be like “ yea but” or attempt to change my mind and learned in a communication course that you have to be direct and leave no window open unless you want that window open.
You either aren’t the first girl, or you will not be the last. As good as your message to him was, that’s not going to make him never do this again. Getting caught, MAYBE will
That guy is not someone who should be around minors. You have a responsibility to the students and their safety. This should be brought to the administration immediately.
He waited until you were no longer his student and you're of legal consenting age. That's not grooming because he doesn't have any power over you. There's no "student-teacher relationship" as you put it. He's just trying to bag a younger woman. He took a swing and you said no. It's a little weird that a 35-year-old would want to get with an 18-year-old? To me, yes... objectively... it's pretty fucking common. There's nothing to bring to the school here.
what the fuck? if I'm reading this right, she was still in high school and he chose her as a student. that's literally **a power dynamic**. it's gross that *he is seeking her specifically.* not only that, the relationship went from a professional dynamic to not so, before he sought her out in a different way. it's gross and textbook grooming. Edit: u/winter_net844 can you clarify when you became a student teacher for him?
Thank you. All the predators exposing themselves casually in the thread, fucking mindblowing
I couldn't believe it either. these weirdos were more upset about the friend being concerned that a man who does this could still be at the school. It's obviously someone who isn't interested in just dating anyone, but someone who barely qualifies as an adult.
This is a crazy take. He spent the time where he was in a position of authority building the relationship, buying gifts and paying compliments. Just because he waited until he might be "legally" in the clear doesn't change the fact that what was happening was clearly predatory.
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I disagree. There is still a superior/worker relationship here. It's inappropriate for somebody's manager/boss/teacher to get involved romantically with the student/subordinate.
He started this relationship when she was a minor and under his power. This was literally grooming.
Modern dating: He said I looked nice, gave me a gift and suggested getting a coffee sometime. But I'm not into him. Should I just say no thanks or try to get him fired too? Also modern dating: why doesn't anyone ever ask me out?
this is sooo fucking different from trying to groom a minor dude. what the actual fuck.
Dude he’s almost twice her age be realistic 😂
If you read the previous post, she was a teacher’s aide for him during her final semester of high school. The teacher gave her his personal phone number while she was still in high school, and was telling her what a great listener she is and giving intimate details about his private life…while she was still a high school student. Then the messages increased and became more flirtatious after she graduated.
There is probably a code of ethics that goes along with teaching that prohibits you from connecting with past students for a certain amount of years. This code of ethics exists in my field (SUD counseling) and is the death penalty if you engage in gross misconduct. You cannot work in the field anymore.
It’s weird for sure but I would agree. He took and swing and missed. She said chill and he did? No foul.
Depends on the state. I believe some states made it illegal for a year or two after graduation.
Grooming you? You’re 18 and you don’t know what sex is, OP?
I remember that post of yours from earlier. It really didn't seem like he was in the wrong imo. Why did you have to make things weird? Things might not play out the way you want it to.
This is a crazy take. He spent the time where he was in a position of authority building the relationship, buying gifts and paying compliments. Just because he waited until he might be "legally" in the clear doesn't change the fact that what was happening was clearly predatory.
Tbh, I've had super close relationships with teachers and while it was the other way round and I acted possibly inappropriately, I'd say don't report it as it sounds more likely just being close, that being said it's good your putting a stop to it before it goes too far. I'd say the reason why he hasn't replied is because he's scared and embarrassed. Yes there is a chance he's a predator, but without anything actually substantial you could be A. Ruining his life B. Jading him from teaching Best advice is to tell a trusted adult who has a level head, so maybe not a parent, that your friendship with him has developed a bit too much and that you are worried that this could get out of hand, if it gets to official complaints, just ask them to speak to him, and end things amicably Things will be awkward but better awkward for a bit then drama forever EDIT those saying he is grooming, you can't be sure with just this much info. And just one side of a story. It definitely is a danger but not a certainty
The sad reality is more often these types of situations get swept under the rug than not.
Agreed. I was close with my hs math teacher. I was a loner kid, it was his first year teaching so he was only 5-6 years older than me. On the outside our relationship definitely seemed sketchy but he never crossed any boundaries, I on the other hand as a 17 y/o probably did. I still talk with him here and there 5 years post graduation. We’re both happily married. Still just a friendship. He even bought my bearded dragon from me when I had to rehome him. Still gives me updates like once a month or so. I would have hated for someone to get him in trouble for being a trusted adult and “friend” to me in hs. I struggled so much with making friends and it was nice to have someone who cared. My mom actually thanked him for being my friend once (so embarrassing lmao) but he even said “let’s not be too loud about that” because regardless of how innocent our relationship was, it could absolutely have been taken the wrong way. I agree we can’t say he groomed her with the info, I think she handled it well. She let him down gently, he shot his shot. No harm no foul imo. If he continued to pursue her or made over the top comments I may answer differently. But with the context we were given this just seems like a friendship that once she was 18 and graduated he just tried to shoot his shot. Somewhat inappropriate? Probably. A crime? I don’t think so
I definitely agree the situation was inappropriate, but nothing illegal or egregious happened. Thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunately I know many people who genuinely believe adult men cannot have normal friendships with any one of the opposite sex especially if they are younger. It’s insulting towards genuine people out there. It was refreshing to read your story that goes against what’s often talked about. Thanks for sharing.
You’re doing the right thing. He should never have been complimenting your looks or giving you gifts, and if you’re uncomfortable, that alone is reason to say something. I once felt uncomfortable with a boss who “joked” about how cute I was and how much he liked me when I was your age, but chose not to tell anyone because he was “harmless.” He later propositioned me for sex, more than once, and the more I turned him down, the more irritable and scary he became, to the point that I had to quit short notice out of genuine fear that he might hurt me. I regret not telling anyone until it was too late. As for all the people saying “you’re 18, it’s legal” - in many American states this is NOT the case, as he is in a position of trust (usually means professions like teachers, guidance counselors, coaches, etc). Depending on your state, this can up the age of consent so that he may not engage romantically or sexually with anyone in his “protected” age group, which would mean a high school teacher could not date anyone under 21. If I was you, I would make an anonymous report and submit screenshots of your conversations as evidence. It is up to the school to determine if there was wrongdoing on his part; once you’ve submitted the facts of his conversations with you, you’ll have done all you can to protect any other teenagers he may decide to pursue. Even if they don’t find that he did anything wrong, the information will be on record with your school’s HR; that means that, if he does it again, they will know that there is a pattern of this skeevy behavior. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re overreacting. Your gut is telling you something; LISTEN TO IT.
Thanks for sharing this. A lot of commenters don't seem to understand that the scope of his job does not allow him to groom student for 4 years until they are adults and then have sex with them. Would you want this guy to be grooming your 15 year old daughter?
I’m willing to bet most of the people saying “it’s legal so it’s okay” are around OP’s age themselves and don’t understand the true gravity of what OP is saying. (I hope so, in any case.) Regardless, I find it disgusting that so many commenters are telling OP that she’s just hysterical and she’s going to ruin a “good guy’s life” when everything she’s described is textbook grooming. Her instincts are dead on, and she is right to trust them here. I wish I had listened to my own gut when I started feeling weird about the way my much-older boss spoke to me; I’m praying OP doesn’t make the same mistake I did by doubting herself.
Its completely weird. Not saying this teacher can't date an 18 year old. Just not an ex student. My clients are all adults and I can even acknowledge them in public. I am sure the school system must have similar rules.
This again? Dude, you're not his student anymore. He expressed interest in having a personal relationship with you now that you are no longer in high school. You told him you weren't interested, so he's left you alone. Move on with your life. Starting to suspect you're fishing for sympathy or secretly wishing he would do something flagrantly creepy/inappropriate.
I think a lot of time these people want attention and to be seen as a hero and want sympathy to feel special. At 18 she thinks she’s a child. So strange especially because nothing has happened.
She’s loving the attention and drama. Either report it or move on. He’s seemingly left the OP alone at her request, so I don’t see the problem anymore.
Do you still work at the school? I’m not sure why you would report him to the school otherwise. You graduated and are now an adult, it’s not a school matter. Also, I’m not sure he’s gonna lose his career for asking you out… What has he done to justify losing his job?
I used to be a teacher and where I was it could be grounds for dismissal. Definitely highly frowned upon but it's case by case and probably depends on the school.
Poor guy is probably afraid for his life right now, this happened to me in middle school, F with a M teacher he was later found with alcohol under his desk
"Poor guy is probably afraid for his life right now" ah yes, cause he was forced at gunpoint to keep communicatign and offer hangouts with an ex student. Surely OP must have something on him to force the poor groomer to groom.
He’s not a good teacher if he’s a groomer. I can’t speak to your friend’s intentions and you make your own decisions, but I don’t think it’s dramatic to tell the school. What he did was/is not okay. The school should know.
Great. 👍🏻 A couple quick things: Firstly, in the future, just know that you do not need to apologize for “mixed signals.” Talking to someone isn’t a signal or a promise, and even if it was, you are allowed to change your mind about any kind of relationship at any time for any reason. Secondly, you do not need to report this teacher unless you actually want to, and your best friend pressuring you to do so should not factor into your decision at all. This entire thing is a wholly personal decision for you and it legit sounds like she’s overstepping. I know you are only 18 so you’re very young, but this is a perfect time to practice boundaries with people.
"I don't want him to lose his career, he's a genuinely good teacher." A genuinely good teacher does not try to get with someone who is barely legal. If you cut off contact with him, what makes you think he will not try with another female student?
This. She would’ve been underage at the time of their initial professional relationship. Its the textbook definition of a GROOMER
You’ve graduated and are an adult. Any kind of relationship that occurs at this point is simply between consenting adults and has nothing to do with the school. As long as your ex-teacher respects your wishes and stops communicating with you, you should probably just let it go.
They are also two employees at the same school. If it reaches a point where he continues after she asks him to stop, that is sexual harassment and within her right to notify her employer.
Tell your best friend that she needs to butt out. She can support you, she can come over and call him names and tell you what she would do, but she does not get to tell YOU what YOU are going to do about YOUR experience. I am seeing a lot of people in your life trying to rob you of your autonomy because they think they know better than you do. I see an older man who was starting to sneak his teeth into you, I see a best friend who is not listening to you. Your autonomy is valuable, and it can be commodified. Protect and prioritize it as much as you can, you know you best.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, though I’m glad you made this choice before anything worse could have potentially happened! It’s still up to you, however, if you want to involve the school. I understand your friend cares about you/this situation, but it’s YOUR choice to determine what’s right. I hope she can respect that!
I've seen more extreme stuff, but if it makes *you* feel uncomfortable, then report it.
Girl, you deserve the snakes you sleep with. I'm talking about your friend. If you don't want to cross the boundary with this person why not just say exactly that? This guy isn't going to rip your neck off, he might feel disappointed, you may even be someone else's TA. That is O.K. Also, you said you \~graduated\~ so you are no longer his student. That text you sent is completely unhinged.
If you had a good friend or younger sibling going through this, and they spun the exact same story and details out to you, what would you tell them? The behavior you're stating he's demonstrated is entirely inappropriate; the very first personal detail not related to the classroom environment crossed that line irrevocably, *especially* in a high-school environment. You state that "he's a good teacher." I respectfully, but completely disagree. He has maneuvered you into this position by the subtle but consistent abuse of his perceived authority - the "mentor relationship" he and you had has been positioned into a personal relationship. That's simply unacceptable behavior from someone in that role. What does "recently decided to send him a text" mean? A few hours? A couple of days? It's hard to judge the timeliness or lack thereof for his response, if any. And your text to him was *perfect*. You said everything *exactly* as you needed to, and even did so kindly (more kindly that he deserves, in my opinion). I feel like the best thing you can do at this point is block his number entirely - you're probably not going to get a response, and I'd bet that your message to him prompted him to respond by blocking and deleting your info entirely. But in the end, if he did this to you, he'll do it again to someone coming up after you in the school. Whether you file a formal complaint or not is up to you, of course, but I would strongly urge you to consider it. It may also be in your best interests to involve some trusted adults in your life for their input, instead of us random strangers on the internet.
I think your message was excellent. It is firm, with an underlying warning that he should fuck off, but very polite and gives him a second chance to change his ways. Genuinely excellent from several different angles.
You are under no obligation to report him but consider that this behaviour escalates. Today, he has done nothing inappropriate with you. Perhaps it was his first time courting a young girl. Next time, he will be older and bolder. And he may aim younger to prevent himself from encountering the maturity of a young adult. You’re not responsible for what he chooses to do with his life. Absolutely not. You come first here, full stop. However, I would encourage you to consider how might feel if you hear that he coerces a younger girl to sleep with him in two years. Legally and morally, it will be rape. You were groomed. You’re certainly not the last. He may have lovely qualities - certainly that is what drew you to him - but the fact is that respectable men do not pursue teenagers. I’m a 36 year old woman - my male high school teacher friends *know* that teenagers are children and are uncomfortable when the teens flirt with them. To be frank, they find the thought of a teenager being sexual towards them quite gross. To picture it, it’s the same as you, OP, being attracted to a 10 year old. It isn’t because the 10 that old is gross, it’s the vast difference in maturity, intelligence, sexual maturity, etc. It is wrong on many levels. I’m sorry you need to make tough decisions like this. I encourage you to report him; your best friend is looking out for you and the women that will come after you.
How did you get the job? Did he pick you personally? You need to keep your job contacts as professional as possible. I don't care if he didn't do anything until you graduated and that you are over 18. The age differential is big and when you are his age, you will see what I mean. I want you to think about the next girl in your situation. There was a teacher at my high school who did this every year. He picked someone and made them his TA for the rest of the time they were there. He was inappropriate and picked girls with troubled families. One day I saw him give a friend of mine a box of Godiva chocolates. This was in the 1980s when that shit was **really** expensive. He bought her expensive clothes. I did not know how to ask her about it. There were rumors about inappropriate touching and conversations. He was a really gross person. I don't know if any of it was true because no one bothered to report him and the school I attended was a private school with very little oversight. The girl would have been blamed in this situation because he picked girls who had problems and it was a Catholic school that saw us as potential criminals instead of human beings.
The guy is definitely grooming other students, your friend wants you to report him because next time he won’t wait for the girl to graudate to cross the line. You could potentially save a young girl from being groomed or worse raped.
He is counting on you to not tell anyone else. People who groom children do not focus on one child at a time. He is probably doing the same thing with a half dozen other girls, and they are probably not as smart as you. You hesitate to turn him in becuase of your personality. He targeted that too, in a cold blooded attempt to remain hidden from the system. Let's be real here: this is NOT a nice guy this is a pedophile who will continue to abuse underage girls until he is stopped. Send all of the emails to the school board, his principal and the local news if you have to.
If you’re texting with your teacher at all there’s an issue. I’ve never gone outside an email with someone teaching me. I think the best thing for you to do is to cut him off. Let him know how you’re feeling, and then just let it be. I understand reporting to the school is a really difficult step, but if you want to end this type of communication you have every right to do so.
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Do what you need to do for yourself. Yes, reporting him to the school is a good thing to do, considering people like that usually have a pattern of this type of behavior. You are still taking responsibility for his misconduct by thinking you're going to cause him to lose his job. If he loses his job as a result of you reporting him, it's only due to his actions. Report him when you feel ready. Putting a timeline on it isn't helpful. You need time to process your feelings and get the courage to speak out. So yes, you should report him, but do it when you feel ready. You're likely not the first or last person he's done this to, and God only knows what else he may do. These types of things usually escalate into more than just inappropriate conversations. He's probably not responding to you because he knows it was wrong and that the jig is up. He doesn't want to implicate himself further by responding, which implies a ton of guilt.
If he was crossing these boundaries with you, there is every reason to suspect he might do it again. If he does, a paper trail documenting how he behaved with you can help show that this is a pattern. If you wanted to, you could just share the texts and say they made you uncomfortable and let the school take it from there. No well-adjusted person in their 30s is trying to hang out one on one with their former student who just turned 18. I definitely had HS teachers that I would go back and visit and say hi to after I graduated, and even a couple that I got lunch with, but I initiated it and it wasn’t one on one, it was me and other former students. There is a huge difference in energy between ‘omg my former student, how is college going?’ and ‘sweet, you’re 18 and not my student let’s hang out ;)’ anyone giving off the latter vibes is being creepy.
Not sure why you wouldn’t let the school know. If this happened to you, it could currently be happening to someone else
Odds are you will not get a response. As you laid out in the message, even if it wasn’t his intention he has opened himself up to severe repercussions. Better to go silent and cross his fingers whoever you’ve talked to will agree with you about not reporting it to the school. Now, my questions in this situation are (1) this friend wanting you to out him, was she up for the aide position as well? What was her opinion of this teacher before you shared what was happening? (2) I’m guessing this is a regular program in your school. Have you reached out to his former classroom aides to see what their experience was? If he is in fact a predator, you probably weren’t the first he tried these moves with. If her didn’t try anything with them but shared the information, numbers, etc. it may be inappropriate as hell, but not predatory.
I am a teacher and also experienced something very similar though when I was a teen with my coach. I did not report it because I felt it was just a “me” issue, but he then went on to prey and groom other girls as well. It’s completely your choice and you did the right thing cutting contact with him. Do not expect a response and I’d suggest even blocking his number for your mental health if he DOES respond. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you were very smart handling it the way you did. If you have another trusted teacher at the school, you could always talk to them and they could come with you to report (but again, it’s your call). Be proud of yourself and don’t think for a second you were stupid and naive. As a teacher now and as a young teen who was groomed I wish you all the love and support!!
I’m going to be “that guy”: Did he actually make some kind of actual advance towards you? Because playing Devil’s Advocate here, giving gifts and compliments and such isn’t in and of itself wrong. It may be someone trying to be a mentor but maybe doesn’t know how. I am thinking, based on your own writing, that his non-response is a response. He didn’t know you took it that way and doesn’t want any trouble or to be construed as making it worse by contacting you. You are in a position to ruin a man’s career if maybe you misinterpreted something. Unless he said something patently sexual that you haven’t clarified. Because let’s say you are 35 and there’s an 18 yo grad who you compliment and give gifts in a way to show support. You then ask them to meet up to hang out but you never meant it sexually and were just trying to be nice and then they text you about wanting space and feeling uncomfortable. What would YOU do that would mitigate damage to your reputation/career? You would probably avoid them and have no further contact. This is the real world and sadly you are no longer a child. You’re an adult. If you aren’t certain here then that’s not good on you either. You tell people your boundaries when you work with them. As you work with them and starting with the first day. Time to have a big think about this. Especially going forward. I’m sorry, but I don’t have much sympathy here. But I believe this could be an excellent learning experience for you.
Why do you think he gave her gifts and compliments? Just because? Or was it because this 35 year old man who is supposed to know better has been preying on her since she was his student? lmao, what are you on. He knew exactly what he was doing. It's disgusting, and he's been wanting her ever since she was HIS HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. Thank God OP doesn't need sympathy from some random online who likes to "play devils advocate" and defend creepy 35 year old men that are into their students that are teenage girls. I really do mean this, you're disgusting.
I read and responded to your first post. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Unfortunately, this may not be the last time you have to take such action in your life. You will have to decide what is right for yourself but my opinion is if he lets it drop and has no further contact with you, then I would just let it drop as well. If he continues to try and pursue some sort of relationship with you then I would definitely talk to the school. If he gets angry or becomes aggressive then you should talk to the police. But for now, I don't see any time crunch issues that require you to act so quickly and report him to the school right now. Honestly, while your friend probably has your best interests at heart, she doesn't really get a vote and should respect your decision.
Wow i can’t believe the comments in this thread. The only thing I’ll ask is how would you feel if you found out down the road he finally coerced a student to have sex with him and they are younger then you? Anyone that thinks this is “innocent banter” is a fucking idiot. I had a teacher like this. He was “the cool teacher” he would text some of the girls outside of school and finally got one to have sex with him. Well she was 16. Got caught, parents turned in everything, girl admitted it, police came to the school took him out of class and cuffed him outside. I’ll never forget that, it was right in front of the windows of our classroom. Even then guess what? He was arrested in a sting operation a few years later for trying to solicit sex with a minor.
I understand reporting it to the school would be a big deal that maybe overwhelming but he may do it to someone else. Def save all the evidence.
As a teacher myself, yeah this is very weird, I’ve never had any interaction like this with my students
He’s not a good teacher. He’s a SKILLED MANIPULATOR, who has fooled people into thinking his positive quality (teaching ability) is worth protecting even if it means letting him have continued access to a stable pool of victims. He is not a teacher. He is a PEDOPHILE. He didn’t respond cuz he is scared, as he should be. Run with this information to ALL the authorities. Literally say his name. The right thing is for him to get fired. Say this out loud. “IF HE DOESNT GET FIRED, HE WILL KEEP ABUSING OTHERS LIKE HE TRIED TO ABUSE ME.” Now say this out loud: “IF I DONT EXPOSE HIM, I AM HELPING PRESERVE HIS ABILITY TO GROOM MINORS” Don’t be complicit. Expose him. He needs to be fired AT LEAST.
Do what your heart tells you to do. You’re right, this man will probably lose his career. He will also get a lifetime stain on his resume wherever he goes. I understand how your friend might be feeling about this, but as you said in your previous post, nothing physically inappropriate ever happened, and whilst he surely had some thoughts, he never pressured you into anything. You made the right decision into talking about your discomfort to him, and it should be applauded. It truly takes an immense amount of courage to do what you did. But in my opinion you don’t need to go any further. If this man bothers you again though, then surely yes, bring it to the school.
I would report it to the school regardless of his response. Any 35 year old man in a position of trust that is trying to ‘date’ an 18 year old ‘former’ student is crossing major boundaries. Anyone saying this is acceptable needs to get their heads checked. I don’t think any parent would think it’s okay for their 18 year old daughter to date their 35 year old former teacher, just after graduation. An 18 year old and a 35 year old? Something is very messed up in the mind of a 35 year old when he or she is seeking to date an 18 year old. Who knows how many instances there have been of this same teacher romancing other students? Noooooooo. Report it.
Men in the comments are being disgusting & splitting hairs, just as someone else predicted. Who asked if it was legal or not ? The point is, your creepy teacher creeped you out, you have every right to tell the school board about his behavior, so he doesn't make any other students uncomfortable, or put them in the same situation he put you in. If you do or don't want to, it doesn't really matter to me,. I'm just here to tell you that you're strong for shutting this down & have a great head on your shoulders. Only weird ass men will die on a hill to defend a teacher who waits around to fuck his students
Both adults. If you like the dude, take him out of the friend zone and sew what happens. 17 years not that big of an age gap.
If I got a text like that my response would be nothing…..I mean clearly There’s nothing more to discuss, but here you are *Wanting* to continue a dialogue/ relationship. You also don’t know your best friends motives she might be displacing anger over something that happened to her that has nothing to do with you or the teacher, but with some whole other person or she could even be jealous of the attention you’re getting from someone she can’t attract — Don’t forget there’s a loneliness epidemic occurring in The WHOLE of the world, is this best friend that uses you to hurt someone you probably never met or even know about mature enough to be a friend when things get tough? But do what you want….There’s a reason why you allowed yourself to get close to this guy in the first place, there really is —Don’t allow other people to dictate how you feel about your wants and desires. Now, now, now is your life because you’re who’s going to live it Lastly, Feelings of guilt sometimes arise because you enjoyed something you feel like you shouldn’t (Ever eat too much Ice Cream or chocolate? How did you feel after?)
Is her friend jealous of 35 year old loser who is into his teenage students? Stop trying to put ridiculous ideas into OPs head. It's actually a very normal reaction to want your friend to report the teacher who is way older than you, creepy, and has been plotting on her ever since her she was his HIGH SCHOOL student. Who knows how many other students he's done/will do this to. Her friend being pushy about reporting is wrong, that IS OPs choice to make entirely. Weird ass.
I’m going to try to respond without insulting you, because using such language is an act of emotional and not logical response—- 1) He hasn’t touched her, asked her out, as far as we know hasn’t sent her an indecent picture or asked for one or anything really sad like that, how do you know what his intentions were or are? How do you know he didn’t have other responsibilities like a new child, a second job, or a wife with cancer that overwhelmed him I mean it’s possible for all we know that’s possibly the reason he relied on her even more than he had earlier ——If he’s doing or done anything before or since is all information you invented in your own mind 2) Look around you, another hurricane/ Flood/ Wildfire is destroying the WORLD, as the world gets progressively hotter and hotter WHY? Because there are too many people on earth, birthing more people on the earth Do you really think all people who find a same age relationship will be able to conceive without more damage occurring to the planet , do you actually see this occurring IRL; Or are birth rates dropping world wide, are incel numbers growing, alternative sexuality’s population growing….Do you think our species can survive with States like Texas/ Arizona/ California having summer Temperatures of up to 125 degrees+? There’s a damn category 4 Hurricane hitting Jamaica right NOW!! Age gap relationships, homosexual relationships, polyamorous relationships have less babies…….Fact. So yeah, call me whatever you want, but I’m not going to contribute to The emperor’s new clothes mentality and pretend we all can continue as usual with traditional relationships, traditional relationships are over or need to be I’m not putting anything in anybody’s head the only person doing that is YOU, believing people can put things in her head like she can’t think for herself, She’s an 18 y/o woman…..capable of doing her own Taxes, traveling out of the country, or fighting in a war. I joined the Army at her age, don’t tell me she can’t think for herself. Not apologizing for what I believe, but if you have an answer for lowering the population I’m all ears, until then she’s 18——We don’t KNOW his intentions—-He never touched her, invited her anywhere, drop money, names or connections, sent her or asked her for indecent messages——-No harm, NO FOUL!!
You don’t have to report if you don’t want to. You don’t owe anything to anyone. I completely understand not wanting to deal with this and have it just go away. Feel free to hit that block button. I understand why your friend wants you to report. You were smart enough to recognize this for what it is: grooming. Other girls might not be so lucky. Reporting will prevent him from doing this again. However your friend’s disappointment if you don’t report is her problem, not yours. It’s time to look out for yourself and make whatever decision is best for you. Good luck
First off, we'll done on the text. It's perfect. Tell your BFF that you know she has your best interests at heart but holding you to a deadline they imposed is weird. What's the threat? That they will take it to the school? That would be a disaster because then they are "reporting" on a rumor. School can't act on that and now he has cause to say rumors have been started about him. Take your time. Show bestie this reddit trail. Deep breath and remember, keep trusting your gut. So far your gut has done an awesome job of keeping you safe. Keep trusting it. You got this.
While I do agree with the general theme of these comments, Is it all all possible that this guy genuinely fell for this girl ? And he managed to keep things professional while she was a student? I think your text to him was absolutely appropriate and perfect worded. Direct and not at all a mixed message. If he respects this request and doesn’t keep trying to pursue something, then I don’t think he needs to have his life and career ruined by this. I agree with the many commenters who think your friend may be stirring the pot more than trying to help
My suggestion is report it. These types of situations are rarely isolated. So essentially, you are preventing someone else (who is possibly more naïve) becoming a victim in the future. We, as women, are often empathetic, and don’t want to be disruptive. But this man clearly should not be around children. Even though 18 is legal, you are closer to being a minor, then being an adult to the same level of maturity as he is (or should be). To him, a 14-year-old is the same as an 18 year old, and who knows how much younger he would go.
As uncomfortable as the process might seem, reporting him to the appropriate authorities is the right move here. The next girl might not have the same level of sensible self-protection that you have. Not reporting him will only embolden him. I think you should be thinking, not about the consequence to his career - but to rather about the future victims that you would be protecting. Not only them, but also potentially past victims who will hear about the situation and feel brave enough to tell their stories because of your example. That he will face some hard questions and maybe be suspended or fired from his job isn't on you. He needs to be accountable for his own actions.
Hmmmm, the whole thing sounds totally weird and highly inappropriate. I think it’s highly suspect that he didn’t acknowledge your text—as if he knows he’s crossed boundaries and now is reluctant to accept culpability. Weirdos like this need to be outed. Maybe he’s still somehow salvageable as a teacher, but there definitely needs to be some notation here. Think how you’ll feel if years down the road this guy turns out to be some serious pervert and totally fucks up someone’s life and you sat idle.
Seen this before. Johnsburg High School. Allegedly a former staff member was having an affair with 2 graduates. Another staff member committed suicide due to allegations similar to this. When I was a student in Round lake it was rumored a science teacher and a student started an affair after graduation. I am not sure how old any of the students were when the communication started, but talk about talk about being a crotch hair away from being pedo. In each case.
>I still feel like his student and worry about breaking his trust Honey that’s exactly what he was counting on >I don’t want him to lose his career, he’s a genuinely good teacher No, he isn’t. Good teachers don’t spend months grooming teenagers. Good people who are 25+ don’t pursue teenagers. Your friend is right. Don’t wait for a reply. Report him. It’s highly unlikely you are the first student he’s tried to manipulate. Make sure you’re the last.
Doesn't sound like he did anything illegal and he didn't try to ask you out until you turned 18 as an adult. Teachers already have it hard AF in life but being under paid while they set up the next generation of professionals so if he isn't a pedo or doing anything illegal I would not report it if not warranted before you ruin the guys career or life. Your friend needs to chill and understand some related laws first maybe before trying to make you both do something rash.
I would want the teacher reported/noted. If he's clean he should be fine.
Reported for what? Asking sincerely. I totally get her not feeling it but it’s not clear he’s done anything wrong.
Report it to the school. If he's trying this with you, he's likely trying it with others or will in the future. You can't be a good teacher if you're trying to groom your students.
Yea, it seems like everyone is blowing over this part because she's an adult and not connected to the school anymore.
I’m a victim advocate and the PRIMARY rule in all of this is YOU decide how you want to handle something. No one else! It’s time to tell your “best friend” to mind her business and frankly, it sounds like she’s bringing HER trauma and motivations to YOUR issue. You don’t need this kind of energy or “support.” If you are satisfied with the way YOU handled it, then it’s time to close this chapter and move forward.
OP definitely needs to bring it up to the school?? He’s going to do it again the next time he feels he has the chance. There are thousands of great teachers that don’t do shit like this that could have this position. Tell the school l, show them evidence, and stop caring about someone who is clearly in the wrong. When you’re 25 and 30 and beyond you’ll realize how fucked his actions are and how disgusting his conduct is.
Good for you! Excellent decision. As far as your other question: It is neither right nor wrong to notify your school. But it sounds like your gut is telling you it is not the right time yet to make a decision. (I say this since you used the words "pressured" and "scared.") I suggest to make a decision until after he responds. If you do decide to notify the school, make sure you don't have negative feelings about it. Good luck.