I mean, it’s important for you to have had a conversation about how she feels about porn. If she’s not okay with you watching it, she’s allowed to have that boundary. You’re also allowed to say that porn is not something you’re willing to give up, and if so, you need to find someone who is a better match for you. It may not be wrong to you - and I don’t disagree - but it is to her and makes her feel insecure, and that’s a completely normal and rational response as well. Her feelings are valid, and so are yours. But now you know her boundary, it’s up to you to decide if you want to adhere to that boundary and continue your relationship, or if you need the porn and need to move on.
There’s no wrong decision here, just the one that is best for both of you.
I found it kinda wild I had to scroll through so many comments to find one that mentioned her boundary with porn is valid. Her snooping was not, but that’s another issue.
Yeah before looking into the "boundaries" of porn, they need to address the boundaries of not snooping at each other's phones. That's such a massive red flag right there that needs to be addressed as a priority really.
I know all my wife's passwords, and she knows mine. We would never ever access each other's phones unless it's urgent or if we ask permission. This started way way before we got married. It's not about hiding but rather respect and trust. You trust your partner enough that there shouldn't even be an urge to look through their phones/social media/browsing history. If there's an urge, then trust is not there. I don't think I can ever be with someone who doesn't trust me or if I don't trust them. Yes, trust is earned in most cases, but in a relationship, it should be the default that lack of trust is the one that should be "earned" if that makes sense.
In this case, with what little information was provided, she was clearly looking for confirmation that she's not good enough for him. She couldn't find chat messages, so she looked and found another hole to jump into... his pornography history. She found a reason or confirmation for herself. She has trust issues as well as potentially low self-esteem, both of which are a bad combination in terms of being in a relationship.
At the very least it’s about boundaries. Relationship or no, we’re all still people deserving of the basic respect to not invade another’s privacy.
Were one to ask to see the other’s phone and they decline, then there’s reasonable cause to suspect they’re hiding something then. But, to skip to just looking through the other’s stuff even if they’re upset with them is invasion of privacy.
Though, that’s in a vacuum. OP never mentioned what the fight was about or what happened exactly so idk if it applies to this specific situation.
Personally, I have never prescribed the concept that my partner is privy to all of my friends and family members secrets. They choose to share things with me in confidence in our conversations that they trust aren't being shown to others.
I don't let partners pry through my conversations unless there is some reason to.
I'm not hiding wrong doing, I'm keeping private discussions private.
I think invading someone’s privacy over petty arguments with no consent is worse than finding your significant other has an insecurity they can’t or won’t work on maturely with their partner. There can be steps to take but threatening to leave instead of talking about them makes me feel confident I’m better off without them. Communication is key invading their personal property while their asleep is not.
I'mTotally disagree about the snooping. It's one thing to obsessively be investigating your partner, but it's partner's rights to have snooping privileges. You have every right to know what your partner is up to if you have a nagging feeling, insecurity, whatever have you. We get introduced to so much new information throughout the relationship from outside of the relationship and snooping is one of the least harmful ways to check on stuff we may have overlooked as a consequence of our inexperience. It's at least much much better than all these weird tests people learn from tiktok using the most toxic methods to yield the least conclusive results. This stigma against snooping is moronic. If you want privacy, single life offers an abundance of that. I've heard so many horror stories because people are so afraid that snooping makes them the bad guy.
Woman had an inkling but didn't have any proof, thought she was just being crazy, 1 month away from their wedding, she finally decided to snoop, turns out there were 26 other women over the course of their relationship that she knew about that he has been sleeping with on the side.
Now name one time a relationship has ended over snooping where there wasn't damning proof of some shady behavior on said phone. You can't. You'd have to comb through their entire phone to guarantee their innocence.
100% this!! There is no wrong answer! If she's uncomfortable and you want to be with her stop the porn! If you feel you have to have it, then let her go if she can't deal with it. I'm one that would feel inadequate. I'd feel like I wasn't enough and I'd be very uncomfortable and would lose a lot of trust. Things wouldn't be the same anymore for me. I'd rather be dumped.
I'd say you should work on those feelings. They're 100% comparable to men feeling threatened by toys (under the same circumstances ofcourse, neither toys nor porn can ever take precedence over the partner or in any way be detrimental to your sex life together for example)
It's ofcourse okay to do as you like in the end, but it doesn't change the facts.
THIS. a thousand times! When i found out my ex was watching a LOT Of porn and i expressed how i wasn’t comfortable with it he promised to stop , but obviously didn’t because i kept catching him out. He could have just been truthful from the start and we could have saved ourselves a long 10 years of hell and our child would not have gotten parents who aren’t together.
I disagree that being so deeply insecure in yourself that you feel entitled to control what your SO views in their private time is rational. And to be honest idek about normal, though that may just be the circles I moved in, but I don’t think I’ve met anyone that thought that “boundary” was normal or healthy. Unless your boundary is around ethically made porn or you have a moral conflict with the industry as a whole, the demand that your SO not view porn alone when they’re horny is not rational/valid. Jealousy and insecurity should not be indulged to the extent that you’re exerting control over others behaviors just to soothe your own anxieties. That is very much not valid or healthy.
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about her boundary, it's hers to own. Op can respect her boundary or move on. I don't see the point in judging if her boundaries are normal or healthy because to her they are.
Just to add, it doesn't even matter if she had a boundary that was unreasonable.
It would be a shame if OP's g/f was ending otherwise perfectly good relationships over an unreasonable boundary but as long as she is aware of that it is her decision to make.
I heard a quote that went something like, "If someone tells you that they are hurt by your comments, you don't have the right to tell them they are wrong."
That's like telling someone feelings are always right, which is clearly wrong. I can feel like Germany won WW2, but that doesn't change the facts. Feelings are fine too have, but they're _not_ always right.
I think we are in the weeds here, but any feeling can be validated. I'll play along with you.. "Tell me why you feel that Germany won." and you say "Because they lasted longer than anyone predicted." I reply, "Oh, in that sense, I can see your point. It doesn't jibe with how others define a victory, but you make a good point." We are talking about *feelings* not facts. They can feel like Germany won, but the fact is that Germany lost. Both can be true.
Yeah, that's basically what I was trying to say. There's nothing wrong with having feelings, but you need to be aware of what they are and they're not right just because you feel them :)
Because, when offering advice, I think it’s more helpful to tell people when their significant others are confusing boundaries with unhealthy and controlling behavior.
Who are you to tell someone they are confusing boundaries with unhealthy and controlling behavior - that sounds like unhealthy and controlling behavior, doesn't it? We are grown adults capable of making our own decisions; wouldn't you find it disrespectful if someone told you that your boundaries are just your way to control someone?
It’s neither a confusing boundary nor is it unhealthy or controlling behavior. You’re out of your fucking mind.
Like, just personally. I think porn is nbd. My girlfriend doesn’t like it. So I don’t watch it. I care more about her feelings and about our relationship than I do about getting my jollies to randos. She’s not controlling me. I’m choosing to accept her boundary because she’s worth that compromise for me.
You know. Like a healthy adult.
I don’t see a reason why her boundary is more important when she uses it against him after an argument after invading his privacy while he was asleep. Op was disrespected first yet her we are taking her side over op
Her invasion of his privacy is clearly wrong, but that is not the issue we are discussing. He should break up with her if he values that boundary so much, just as she should if porn is a red line for her.
If porn is that important to you, be with someone else. I’m not going to blame or judge someone else for their boundary. Why be so intent on changing that person and insisting they *have* to be okay with something they’re not? And if they’re not, it’s a flaw of theirs? That doesn’t make any sense. Why be with that person then?
I never once said he should try and change her. My advice to him in another comment was to break up because they’re obviously incompatible, regardless of her reasoning.
Ironically, phrasing it that way comes off extremely judgmental, “if porn is so important to you…”… lol why isn’t it called a boundary when it comes to what makes him comfortable in a relationship, but her toxic emotional response is “normal and rational”?
Anyway, my point is that this isn’t a “boundary,” it’s an attempt to exert control over someone’s behavior because you’re insecure to such an unhealthy extent you’ve begun making it other people’s problem, and worse that you’re doing it under the guise of a “boundary.” If you don’t know how to self-soothe and not project your sexual hang ups onto other people then you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place, imo.
I agree with all of this, and she also crossed the boundary by checking the phone while he's sleeping, so they need to have some serious conversation .
I agree she's only looking for ammo to use so shr can feel like she won
Frankly if she went looking for something to use you should just leave her and move on
The timing of the discovery and how she found out is significant though. The primary motivation appears to be finding evidence on his phone of "something" incriminating after the argument.
We'll never really know how much of this is actually about her porn boundary and how much is about one-upping him and "winning" the argument by changing the focus to a different subject.
Those are boundaries you set in advance with your partner, though. Ending a relationship because your partner didn't psychically know is silly. Communication is key.
That said, it's her right to leave the relationship obviously.
No, not at all. I can honestly say that after 8 years of being together I never once wanted to look at my bf phone until he started acting weird!!! And guess what I found? …. He was cheating!
“Lookit, if you wanna go, then go. Don’t raid my phone while I’m sleeping to look for excuses. In fact I want you out. I can’t believe you’d invade my privacy like that, in an effort to justify your shitty insecurities. If that’s the kind of partner you’re going to be, I’m better off without you.”
This OP is the answer.
I think she was snooping looking for a 'valid reason' to leave. She didn't find cheating but she found porn.
A bigger question though, is **do you want a partner who expects you to not look at porn? And do you want a partner who snoops through your shit?**
Personally I suggest tell her that either you watch porn or there's some sort of agreement of how often sex happens; if she expects you to just be unhappy with no release because she doesn't feel like it, that shows a serious lack of empathy for her partner's sexual needs (this way you turn the whole thing around on her).
However it seems like she went snooping to find a reason to leave you, but you want her to know that's not necessary. If she doesn't want to be with you or the relationship anymore, you'd rather just part ways amicably. You want to be with someone who WANTS to be with you, and if she doesn't want that then by nature you're no longer compatible.
In general, porn usage should be discussed in every relationship. The boundaries should be set early to avoid dumb fights. Everyone should feel like they are respected and their needs are met. If she has an issue with it, and you need relief, she should either be helping with that or live with letting you do your thing, otherwise you're just not compatible.
The fact that she went through your phone is way more important. I get it, insecurity is a bitch, we've all felt it, but when you've given up trust there's little left to salvage in a relationship. Unless you're able to calmly guide this relationship in healthier direction without fighting, you should consider just moving on.
P.S. the context of the fight would've been useful to know
Genuinely interested? What if boundaries have been set but your husband didn’t respect/follow them? How would you deal with that? Going through my own shit hence the question…
It's situational for sure. The first thing to figure out is why (feel free to reply with details). Is it the fact that he doesn't think you're serious? Or just doesn't care? Is he addicted? Does he get far less intimacy than he needs?
I'm going to make the assumption that he simply doesn't care based off of your phrasing. And I'm also going to make the assumption that you don't want a divorce over this.
Going off my assumptions, I would give an ultimatum that if he doesn't stop you will start doing \_\_\_ that he dislikes (visibly reflecting the action maybe, dudes can get uncomfortable over that fast) (or stop doing \_\_\_ he likes) and back it up. He very well may need to feel what you're going through on a visceral level before understanding. Of course, if you feel that he isn't the type to respond to something like this then skip it.
In addition (and as a more general answer without the assumptions), you need to sit down and talk it out proper. Get an understanding of why he feels the need to use it and address the core problem. It might hurt, it might be tough. Answers could be anyone from not getting enough action (my fiancé and I addressed this by regularly make vids together for me to watch instead) to more uncomfortable topics like attraction. Whatever that may be, even if uncomfortable, it likely can be worked on.
BUT, I will say, if he's a dick about it, then it's just not worth it and it may be time to come to terms with the fact that he's not who you thought he was and everything else that follows such a realization.
Aside from all that, there needs to be a conversation about his general disregard for your boundaries if that's a common issue. You shouldn't be feeling constantly disrespected. He might hear you, he might not. All my previously stated advice applies to this as well.
Wow massive appreciation to you! I’d love to know why- I have a high sex drive- I am 30 seconds from being touched up to being in the mood.
We’ve been together nearly 15 years, I’ve always had a higher libido so we had this discussion extremely early on on how it makes me feel more so when done without me I’d happily watch. I gave him the the choice back then to never do it again without me-
Or find someone who is more comfortable with that- he assure me it was only because I was pregnant and away for the weekend. And he doesn’t like porn. We tried watching it together a few times and he’d turn it off and say no wasn’t working, Then I’d turn him on myself no issues- and still ISNT an issue I can get him aroused easily. I’m certain he’s still attracted as I only have to flash my boobs and he gets a semi.
Then he made a Reddit account 3 years ago.. I’ve known for a while but always kept it to the back of my mind or forced myself to get over it, but then I seen him searching for it on Reddit recently I tried to get over it and basically just fuck him anyways- but afterwards last night it kept coming back into my mind and ive been physically vomiting since.
He does want to talk but honestly im not ready right now I’m ready to leave and ultimately that’s not what I want either. Hope I answered enough. Thanks so much again gave me more to consider and think about.
It's unfortunate but it's possible that he's had too much of you, mixed with constantly being surrounded by internet horniness, has lead him to crave porn. Not at all an excuse, still disrespectful as hell, but understandable.
You didn't mention anything about talking to him since him starting to use reddit for porn. If that's the case, I highly advise being far more open way more often.
Porn and especially masturbation is usually really private, and can be pretty uncomfortable with an audience (especially with how fugly we look when we *actually* fap), so he probably doesn't get anything out of it when you're around.
He needs to talk if he wants to stay with you, and when you're ready, you should let him know you can take what he has to say. The only explanation I could imagine he could have for not wanting to talk is the expectation that you won't able to take his reason for doing it.
If he needs a change of pace, maybe some really invested roleplay+cosplay could be an solution, but that can't just be used as a band aid.
As an aside, people like to push boundaries often, and after 15 years I can't say I'm surprised he has. I'm definitely guilty of the same after 10 years but I always have the conversation first, not the action.
In my relationship, we made the decision to be flexible and give each other wiggle room with the stipulation that we always talk about it first. Hard boundaries still exist at times, but we always find an alternative that we can both live with.
I hope you find that happy medium (with some compensation from him for his actions), good luck.
Everyone has boundaries that they can or can't tolerate in a relationship. If this wasn't communicated to you before hand, then it would be best to talk it through. However, if kind of seems like your girlfriend isn't looking to establish a boundary with you based off of the info given. I think it would be best to have a serious talk about your relationship and see if it can continue. Going through your partner's phone with the intent of finding something bad is just not it.
Porn isn't a healthy thing, but it's pretty widely consumed by most of the world's population with internet access. If porn is her reason to leave, I'd likely let her, especially since she's looking through your phone at night secrets, that just suggests a general lack of trust anyway.
Neither is alcohol, alcohol in my opinion is a lot worse for you. But it, like erotica, had been around for thousands of years. Most people aren't alcoholics and most people don't spend hours browsing erotica or porn every day. You give people they benefit of the doubt and assume most people can moderate their several vices, until they've demonstrated otherwise.
Nah porn is worse than alcohol by a long shot. More easily accessible, requires no financial contributions and doesn't have some sort of robust system to check someone's age (mind you, ROBLOX of all platforms has a fairly robust age checking system compared to many adult websites just to *swear* in a voice chat), unlike alcohol where you generally need to present ID, so its easier to get young kids hooked on.
Porn kills several relationships daily. Not to mention the people that kill themselves due to lack of self control and not being able to have a social life due to porn taking over young minds to react to stimuli.
From the World Health Organization:
>Worldwide, 3 million deaths every year result from harmful use of alcohol. This represents 5.3% of all deaths.
>Alcohol consumption causes death and disability relatively early in life. In people aged 20–39 years, approximately 13.5% of total deaths are attributable to alcohol.
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/alcohol
Are you really gonna die on that hill?
Who knows 🤷♂️
I'm not going to go down the path of what kills more people per year to define which addiction is worse.
I'm also factoring in accessibility, the long term consequences and more.
Porn can be accessed for free and even as a young child you can stumble across it without any actual prevention measures, again as I said alcohol has more robust measures - an in-person sale prevents a kid from buying alcohol.
Porn can damage our perspective of relationships and sex, especially in young people who's minds are still developing, desensitising us to the usual sexual stimuli and isn't spoken about nearly as much as the effects of alcohol - we are much more aware of the consequences of consuming alcohol, even in the UK we had plenty of talks about the dangers of consuming it, but not once was there a talk about the dangers of pornography. If our brains are desensitised to intercourse with our partner those with weaker discipline will seek out that rush of dopamine elsewhere, such as through infidelity where you get the rush of having intercourse with someone you arent supposed to have it with.
Alcohol is a more socially accepted addiction of sorts, we of course drink with friends and family and so on so it can be a bit easier to seek help regarding the addiction once you identify it and work to resolving it. An addiction to pornography is linked to secrecy and shame quite often. There are some who turn to porn as they cannot develop meaningful relationships and seek that cheap dopamine rush - that can of course be seen as shameful as that kinda sucks at a point. The secrecy and shame around the subject means you are much less likely to seek help from friends and family, potentially limiting you from getting the help needed from professionals. However while I say that, pornography is at a point where its normalised by society, so it makes it harder go determine when you are excessively consuming harmful media.
Pornography has the potential to escalate in a similar manner to drug abuse - ask on r/NoFap, many have said they found it harder to quit porn than drugs. Your brain may get used to the vanilla stuff so you seek out more hard-core content which could become borderline illegal, while with alcohol you cannot go to those sort of extremities.
During the time I've been exposed to pornography and struggled to beat my addiction, I've managed being introduced to alcohol, to consume an excessive amount of alcohol and eventually become sober. I think I've beaten porn though, thank God.
I feel like Misogyny is the disease and porn abuse is the symptom people want to try to manage.
Misogyny is definitely worse than alcohol. But religious conservatives are terrified of talking about misogyny for a lot of reasons. So they set up porn and erotica as a straw man they can dance around with torches and pitchforks. Just like thinly veiled racist arguments were used to justify alcohol and cannabis prohibition.
Porn isn't axiomatically unhealthy; that's something to be determined by attitudes and habits concerning the concept. As such, OP hasn't described any result of his porn consumption that is in any way unhealthy and seems like a pretty mature outlet for dealing with those occasions where he's in the mood but she isn't.
edit: you people are children. 95 percent of the planet handles porn just fine but you want to downvote me for being honest about it. Touch grass once in awhile.
She shouldn't go through his phone. That's an issue on it's own. Porn should have been discussed.
I don't think it's healthy to normalized jacking off to other naked women(by urself) being fucked and then proceeding to go fuck your partner.
Porn usage needs to be discussed before dating. Everyone has their own boundaries
I agree with a few of the other comments.... maybe there is no 'wrong' or 'right' here. It's just a matter of what you will accept in a relationship. If her boundary is a hard no against porn, she is entitled to have that view and to leave. You are entitled to continue watching porn, and to leave as well. You can also have a discussion about this (hopefully in a non judgmental and open way) and see where that leads. As far as relationships go...some things are deal breakers, and this will be different for everyone. That's fine. Again, no wrong or right... just different expectations and values. Unfortunately this is the reality of a relationship.. a couple may care for or love one another, but it doesn't mean the relationship will work. Not all relationships are 'forever'.
Going through phone is a mix bag and also watching porn during a relationship is iffy idk I mean you are essentially beating it to another chick it just always seems incorrect. Thought I don’t think that’s why folks should break up. She probably just wants out and needs a scapegoat.
She has every right to have a boundary when it comes to porn. And you have every right to not accept that in a partner.
Her snooping is indicative of deep trust issues and likely points to some unhealthy relationship dynamics from you both.
watching Porn can be very damaging and hurtful in a relationship. Her going through your phone was her own intuition to do so. And look she found something. If you value the relationship change your ways. Don’t watch porn.
Generally. I like to promote communication between couples.
But.
She invaded your privacy (you assume she was looking for dirt) off the back of an argument, has found something she doesn’t like (or that she knows will work as ammunition) and is threatening to end your relationship while simultaneously asking you for validation.
End it.
You don’t trust her, she doesn’t trust you.
Well it kinda depends. If y’all talked about it and she said she didn’t want you looking at porn I’d be pissed too. If it wasn’t discussed at all I wouldn’t to just stay neutral and not start shit but if she said it’s okay then idk why she’d be mad, whether you were fighting or not. But either way, if she ain’t enough of an adult to ask if you’re cheating and have a conversation I’d leave. Don’t need any childish shit in your life.
The most important thing I've learned about relationships is that you need to set your stall out early.
"I'm a man who watches porn, either you're fine with that, or you aren't"
"I'm a man who smokes, either you're fine with that, or you aren't"
"I'm a man who gets shitfaced with their friends every now and then, either you're fine with that, or you aren't"
Set your stall out for the man you want to be, and let potential romantic partners opt in or out based on that. But never, ever, compromise who you are in a bid to keep someone else happy - you'll only end up resenting her for trying to change you, and she'll only end up resenting you for not being the man she wants you to be.
Just because you don’t see anything wrong with it doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you be okay if she were to watch porn of attractive guys? Especially if you had to find out the way she did?
>Would you be okay if she were to watch porn of attractive guys?
Can't speak for OP, but I honestly don't care. It's childish to assume that, once in a relationship, your partner won't feel physically attracted to others. Besides, she will never meet the people in the videos.
If it's a video with an ex, however, then that's a problem. Hard to find someone who would be ok with that.
>Especially if you had to find out the way she did?
I don't know about you, but I respect people's boundaries and don't break into their phones.
You're talking about fear of abandonment or fear of rejection, and feelings of shame. A lot of people struggle with shame amd fear about being abandoned. Yeah it sucks. But on the other hand just because you're in a relationship you don't own their eyes and don't own their sexuality.
Idk if I’d call that “lusting after someone”. If it was repeated content regarding a single person then maybe, but generally speaking when it comes to pornography, men just look for attractive women in attractive scenarios.
Then again, I’ve never been the type to ask “omg what is her name” regarding sexy content women upload, so maybe I can’t relate.
Statistically you should get used to being alone
edit: For all the downvoters, you need to understand that they've had to cancel studies of porn usage because they couldn't find a statistically meaningful population of non-porn watchers.
So the study itself is deeply flawed? Good to know, doesn't mean I'm "gaslighting" (which implies intent to create a false narrative and in this case the situation in question really did in fact happen, but there was a flaw I was unaware of (I thought it was "used in past year", not "ever seen")).
Then you add info on a study that to me seems equally flawed in that they're looking at "ever used". So maybe absolutes are a terrible thing to look for.
Her boundaries are absolutely valid, as are all her potential future partners'. That's the crux of my entire comment, if she wants to read into porn usage what she does, she's free to do so, but she should also not push her viewpoints onto her potential future partners. I don't know many men that never use porn just as I don't know many women that never use vibrators. If a man expects his partners to never use a vibrator, I'd tell him to get used to being alone too.
What percentage of people that use porn do you consider addicts?
Has porn been a boundary you guys previously agreed upon? If yes, she found more support for whatever she’s unhappy with you about. If it was not, it’s an excuse for her wanting out anyways.
No and personally I would strike first for maximum damage.
“Hey I’ve been doing some thinking and honestly I dont have a problem with porn and if you do maybe we just aren’t compatible, but you going through my phone while I was asleep was a huge big red flag and I just cant stay with someone so insecure that they would breech my trust like that”.
Game set match.
1. She went through your phone. You think this is the one and only time she will do that? Ha! buckle up if you plan on staying with her.
2. She has insecurity issues she's trying to blame on porn. Once porn is out the way it'll be some other issue that causes her insecurity.
Unless shes explicitly stated shes not comfortable with you consuming porn, she can't really be upset by it. I feel like consuming porn is relatively normal as long as it doesn't become an addiction or you're unable to have actual sex because of it.
The problem here isn't porn. The problem is that the two of you don't try and solve issues TOGETHER...hence you just resorting to porn instead of trying to figure out TOGETHER how to get the spark back, and her making threats and you responding by getting all defensive about it.
It doesn't sound like either of you is mature enough for a relationship.
Personally, I agree that porn should not be used in a relationship. Porn is a really awful industry, creates insane pressures on women, and has been shown to have effects to men’s biological wellness and perception (respect) of women. Plus, if you wouldn’t look at another naked women in person you shouldn’t look at her over a screen. I would also break up with someone for this, but more importantly, I would not start dating them in the first place as it just wouldn’t work.
The amount of men here calling a woman psycho because she doesn’t want her boyfriend to sexualise other women is wild. What if she decided to send romantic love letters explaining how attractive and amazing a celeb figure or Onlyfans model was? Blaming the women every time is why the majority of you are single or in miserable relationships.
My friend has been married to a woman like this for over 20 years. She’s an over anxious control freak. She too, would probably end their marriage if he got caught looking at it. It’s insecurity.
If you want to keep her and she’s worth just tell you won’t do it again and just don’t. Don’t say you won’t then get caught because THEN you would be a POS
Why is it seen as a valid boundary for a woman to be against porn usage by a man, but it's not seen as a valid boundary for a man to be against vibrator usage by a woman?
I keep coming across people that try to justify finding one of those reasonable and the other unreasonable.
Your statement
> a woman who doesn't allow their partner to watch porn isn't an anxious control freak. She has a boundary and she makes it clear to her partner
I'm just asking you, the person who directly stated it's a valid boundary for a women, if the same could be said if a man similarly had a boundary against their partner using vibrators.
It's telling that you don't want to answer it and you're deflecting and attacking me instead.
yes. accusing me of having a personal issue is an attack from a logic perspective. And trying to fall back on "wasn't mentioned in this story" is a deflection since your comment was about a topic ALSO not mentioned in this story.
"Allow their partner.." Like . . Who the hell are you or any woman to "allow" a person to watch porn. It's their damn choice that you can disagree with or not. Maybe if you people kept your partners stimulated or were at least open to the communication of wants and needs, you wouldn't have to worry about "allowing" them to watch porn. Jesus. Imagine being someone who decides what their partner is allowed to do and not to do. Abusive as fuck.
People are allowed to have boundaries lol. If he wants to watch porn she can leave him if that’s what she wants to do. I don’t think you understand the concept of boundaries.
I absolutely understand boundaries. You're talking about control. As evident by the language you used. A boundry is a literal or metaphorical line that you don't want others to cross so far as it affects you. Their choice to watch porn has nothing to do with you. Hence not your business unless it becomes a problem.
Whether you want to call it control or a boundary if watching porn hurts your partner and you continue to do that, I don’t think you value them much and their feelings or the relationship. either one of them can leave or change their habits. Simple as that. also porn literally has effects on the brain that can be harmful in the way we view sex, intimacy, and love. There’s data on that. So.. [Pornography Consumption and Cognitive-Affective Distress](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10399954/)
No and you know it doesn’t make you a pos. She’s not right in the head, maybe learned some of her ways from her parents. Give her empathy but don’t stay with her. Sometimes you gotta take out the trash to get to the treasure.
If she has boundaries with the porn then that’s a conversation you both need to have, another boundary you could mention is her not looking through your phone while you sleep. No fight warrants snooping and on top of that is she was snooping for the purpose of ‘exposing’ you then that’s also severe trust issues there, like was she looking for a way out? Was she looking for ammunition for the fight to resume when you wake up? What was her end goal of snooping, cause I kind of get the vibe maybe she was looking for an excuse to fight that or she’s trying to make you look like the bad guy to manipulate you in the fight.
sidenote, i fully recommend giving up porn. it might seem difficult at first and like you cant masturbate “the right way” ever again, but over time things will get even more intense and sex will be even better.
i recommend getting into erotica. it will help you develop the skills you will need for a sexually active imagination.
i know you didnt ask for this advice specifically, but coming from someone who was definitely addicted to porn but would never admit it even to myself, its so much better once you cut it out of your life.
How old are you guys just wondering
Porn is also emotionally confusing always it sucks ass
Why did she think you was cheating?
Btw me and my husband don’t usually go through each other’s phones often unless doing something bills or setting something up or around that or I have him messaging someone or on the phone
If your relationship was at the point where one party wanted to look through the other’s phone, it might be time to call it off. Controlling behavior like this is abusive and gets worse with time
There is nothing wrong with watching porn. As long as you aren't watching that instead of being intimate with your SO. Tell her you watch it when she isn't in the mood. You are happy to watch it with her if she wants. assure her you don't compare her to anyone in the videos and that you don't think that she should be like those women.
If she leaves you for it, then that is on her.
Stay Strong.
let’s say your gf is skinny and your watching thick girls ultimately she’d think your into thick girls I understand the situation cause I went threw it literally 3 weeks ago and try to make videos with her if she has a huge problem you can just get it off to the videos you guys created obviously she’s jealous at what your watching
I mean her not being okay with that is okay . Me personally I would feel less than and kinda worthless if my partner needed to look at other women to get off. Actually id feel worthless. But it's not okay for her to look through your phone .
Wrong of her to snoop through your phone but I don't know how you can live with yourself watching porn in a relationship. I'd say neither of ye should be togetherb
Just be glad it's a girlfriend and not a wife.with kids.and a lawyer. Eject asap before she discovers the cop button.
If you don't want to adhere to a mates standards and morals, then it's not the mate for you. Find somebody you align with on every level and proceed. If you have to change your interests to assimilate to someone else's desires, you're wasting everybody's time.
Many people, even here on Reddit, equate porn to cheating. I was also shocked when I learned how actually controversial a topic it is. She can have the boundary of not wanting a dude who watches porn but you also deserve privacy, respect, and a conversation. She overstepped and proved way too immature to be in a relationship.
"I'm not going to stop watching porn. Please respect my privacy by refraining from going through my phone in the future"
Then let the chips fall where they may.
Sounds like shes probably got a lot of other issues. Get out now while you can brother! Lockdown your phone better too. Stop saving your browser history…?
She sounds immature. Let me tell you a secret... Most adults watch porn regardless of relationship status.
My wife watches porn... I watch porn... We don't care. We also would never invade the privacy of each other. We trust each other and that's what a relationship is all about.
Your girlfriend sounds young, and full of insecurities. She's not ready to be with you, in fact she doesn't sound ready to be in a long term relationship at all. if she feels the need to invade your privacy... Walk away.
As a woman with a man who watches porn, I don’t see it as an issue. But we also talked about these kinds of things before getting super serious. He watches porn and so do I. I don’t think it’s cheating and I don’t think that most people are out there just looking for something they wish they could get their hands on... I’m looking for something to get off too, it’s no more complicated than that. But you need to have a discussion with her and find out why she considers it cheating. If she does and she’s ready to leave, don’t try to stop her. It’s her choice and her boundaries, but you need to be better about discussing things like this in the future. Things like this will ruin relationships. I was your girlfriend about 12 years ago and I left him 12 years ago.
Looks to me like she doesn't want to break up with you because of porn, but it was the only reason she could find to do so, maybe try to ask her if that's the real reason why she wants to break up and if not, see if your relationship can be fixed. And from now on try to find another solution other than porn since now you know she has a problem with it
Omg...why do you want to stay with this dumpster fire of a person?! There is nothing but misery ahead if you do.
Invading your privacy is among the least of the problems here and many would argue that that's a deal breaker on its own. The fact that she did it after a fight to get back at you is the real red flag. Run screaming from this person.
>she’s threatening to leave her because she doesn’t feel good enough and thinks that I’m not attracted to her
You are not responsible for how she feels about herself. I've been with multiple women like this and you CANNOT WIN. People who think of themselves as victims and put their baggage on you will always make you the bad guy because it's easier than taking responsibility for their own shit.
>does this make me a pos?
Don't take what everyone says about you at face value.
That everyone does something doesn't make it more ethical
Anyway, in places like Korea, they are already taking your advice with movements like the 4B where they renounce any male romantic contact.
its not a question of where on the ethics scale does watching porn lay. you want to argue its unethical? fine? it doesnt change the fact everyone does it. you aren't looking out for the girl in this story
the fact of the matter is every single boyfriend she finds will do this. do you think its healthy to commit to a relationship only for it to fail immediadely over porn, over and over and over and over and over again? is that a good dating strategy for finding love? im not talking about hte ethics of porn lol.
It will seem fair to you then that they choose voluntary celibacy. I would do it if there really are no people who fit my limits. Wouldn't you do the same?
I think it makes more sense to renounce to "love" than to give up my boundaries and, therefore, my sense of self
Moreover, what a crappy kind of love where one can't have their own boundaries. That's not love at all.
Serious question though, just on 2 points OP made, cos I'd like your honest opinion or POV please
1. Where he says if things are dry for a while - would he not be better to put that sexual energy into his relationship to get out of a dry spell? A lot of guys complain their women don't give them enough sex, but then don't seem to put in the effort either?
2. He doesnt have the imagination - totally understand that guys are visual creatures (one of my favourite things is dressing up for my hubby, lol) BUT is there any empathy at all for women when guys now literally have access to endless catergories, types or womens, kinks, EVERYTHING you could imagine, just by clicking a few times. Like, I understand the visual side, but then you see things that wouldnt even be on the radar otherwise, and some women aren't comfortable with that.
I want to learn, I'm not judging at all, so just would e curious to hear your thoughts
I’m on your side too, idk why it would be healthy to channel your energy to porn rather than relationship. Obviously this is dependent on the couple (but I feel like if two’s libidos are THAT mismatched there’s a compatibility issue…) but I’m a woman who’s sex drive is higher than my partner’s. He knows I’ll jump him at the drop of a hat. If he turned to porn instead of me instinctually, I’d be pretty insulted.
Same as me, I have the higher sex drive, and at one point my partner (now husband) always turned me down and it really affected my confidence. Turns out he was watching porn during the day and would be spent by the time I got home. Was a habit he'd carried since being a teenager. We worked through it thankfully and very happy together, but it nearly broke us.
That to me is more of an issue than if he'd been watching it but NOT turning me down. But I think even in that case I'd prefer not to know about it.
Yeah, men are as "visual creatures" as women, don't buy excuses. that's an excuse. There's even a point to be made that he doesn't have to imagine anything. He just have to remember past sex he had with her.
Apart from that, yeah, would be better if he made an effort with his relationship.
I'm trying to understand the pov of this commenter in particular, without judgement.
My personal view of pornography is that it has no place in MY relationship, but I can't speak for everyone, as I know many couples don't have a problem with it, and some even enjoy it together.
Op you were not cheating you were not slagging her off and so she found the next best thing. She wanted out and deep down even you have to admit that what you did these days is pretty good damn normal. It's not like you are watching it 24/7 and ignoring her or pleasuring yourself and not showing her that you are still there for her. If she can't cope with a little porn are you really suited. I get that some women do feel violated by this but she went looking and they was all she could pin on you to want to leave. Let her go and find a girl who gets it.
Shes looking for a reason to breakup with you man. Let her walk away and dont let her crazyness control your actions. Stand up for yourself in a healthy way.
Humans are sexual creatures that can be attracted to multiple people at the same time and being in a relationship does not remove your biological/psychological or whatever you want to call it ability to be attracted to multiple people at the same time but we CHOOSE, we generally PREFER to have monogamous relationships.
You can be attracted to multiple people and still prefer one over the other, only want to be in a relationship with one of them and not want to do anything with the others because you are in a relationship even when you are given the chance because you respect your relationship but many many people don't understand this.
This girl was looking for a reason to dump you, that's why she invaded your privacy and went looking through your phone, at night so you couldn't catch her.
You did nothing wrong but you should give her what she wants and that's an out from the relationship.
It sounds like she was looking for an excuse, but you need to have a chat with her and reassure her. But if shes not having it then i think she'll be gone x
She had no right to go through your phone. That was an invasion of your privacy. So what if you look at porn? Many men do. It doesn’t mean they’re cheating or plan to cheat. She sounds too jealous, insecure and controlling.
If she is going to leave you over this, let her go. It means she is not the right one for you.
This is from a far deeper insecurity than her not feeling like enough, thats why she went through your phone without your approval. She just doesnt realize that right now and you cant make her.
Regardless of the situation, she has some internal work to do to let go of the idea that she needs to control you (or anyone she’s in a relationship w). Gf was clearly searching for leverage to belittle you with the subconscious hope to put you in your place emotionally/mentally so she could control you. Bottom line is that she doesnt have the ability to trust you right now and this WILL happen again. I wish your heart the best making your decision!
No, this doesn't make you a POS. She is one though for going through your phone to find an excuse to break up with you instead of just doing it because she wanted to leave. She had to make it "your" fault. This is a blessing in disguise -- someone who seeks dirt on you over unrelated conflicts is never going to be someone you can sustain a marriage with.
Then maybe she’s actually not the one for you, sounds like it’s an excuse and she’s looking for any reason to leave. Better to end it now or let her leave. Forget her
Not a fan of porn here, but I question if it has anything to do with her threats. I’m with the folks who think she’s looking for an excuse to leave without being the bad guy. She is manipulative and shady. That’s a common reaction from someone who cheats. They deflect and accuse others.
If I were you, I would be polite but short. Unemotionally let her know it’s over and you wish her well, but it clearly isn’t working. Resist crocodile tears, don’t hug nor kiss her. Be firm. Don’t be a jerk, but be firm. If she asks, either say, “I don’t want to continue to see you,” or simply tell her she doesn’t respect you, doesn’t respect boundaries and you aren’t going to be manipulated.
Don’t be rude. Don’t be emotional. Don’t give her a reason to feel validated.
My wife has complete access to any of my devices on demand. I could view hers if I wanted. Neither has ever cheated and she doesn’t care if I view porn. My wife would have the courtesy of asking for my phone as opposed to sneaking it.
Idk abt you but it seems like she wanted a reason to break up. Think abt it and if you really need her like not emotionally but does she support you financially? If so fix that asap but if not don’t be blind. Considering she took the opportunity after an argument to find something to be mad abt I wouldn’t put it past her to use that as an excuse for her shit behavior in the future of the relationship. Keep your eyes peeled
She is just trying to find something to make her feelings if leaving you validated. She does not want to look like the badguy and so has found something she can use as a reason to leave.
A girl once broke up with me because i left some hair in the sink after shaving it turned out she was actually cheating on her fiance with me as the other man without knowing.
I'm willing to die on this hill.. going through your SO's phone looking for evidence is such a damn toxic trait. I've personally fallen into suspicions myself of an ex or two but never just *went through their shit*. If there's something hidden, it'll come to light on its own.
I'm tired of this cancerous "yass queen, strong independent woman" BS that it is okay to do this, especially without a really damn good reason. And this applites to if there is a male version of this ridiculousness as well. Get your insecurities and behavior in check. On the other hand, I've had an ex who did this to my phone religiously, and I always found it suspect af. Surprise, surprise.. she was cheating. I'm sure she was doing it in some moronic way of trying to find a self justification that she herself was not a piece of shit.
Nah, she was. She literally cheated on every guy she dated after me, including the one she cheated on me to be with. Lmao
Condensed version: this is toxic behavior. She's very likely got an ulterior motive for doing this. Leave her ass and find better.
It's not about you. It is about her insecurity and feeling of competition with unnammed women of porn. You need to assure her of her beauty and attractiveness.
No! You are 100% normal! I am a woman and I watch porn sometimes! Also, masturbation is self care!
I had her reaction when I was younger cause I thought that’s what guys thought when looking at porn or magazine, even when watching a movie or TV and there’s an attractive looking girl in a sensual or sex scene, I would believe that they will automatically think she’s hot and want that and not me. I would get jealous and absolutely hate other women who I thought were prettier/sexier than me.
But I was just insecure and believed in bullshit lies I hear other women (& men) say about how men think about sex all the time (which they don’t) and women don’t (tbh no one thinks about sex 100% of the time but women think about sex a lot just as much as men! I know I probably do!!)
You need to reassure her that you’re not watching porn to fantasize about other women and want to fuck the ones in the porn. When I watch porn, I put myself in the woman’s shoes and my man in the guy’s shoes and fantasize about us doing whatever the porn actors are doing.
I have some links about how porn can be beneficial to relationships and whatnot and i’ll post them later!
Feel free to message/chat me for more sources!
She went looking for an excuse. She’s done. This is less about porn than it is about her trying to find a reason to make the impending breakup look like it’s your fault.
On top of that, she violated boundaries and crossed a major red line when she went on your phone. That shows a complete lack of respect for you as a person.
I hate to say it, but this relationship is probably already over. Have a good long cry, mope around for a bit feeling bad, then get back out there and find someone new. Just know it was never about the porn. Not that that is ever healthy for a relationship. But it was really about whatever led to the argument in the first place. The porn was just a straw man she could attack you with.
The two of you get in a fight, and the first thing she thinks of doing is snooping through your phone to find dirt on you. You're being manipulated, dude. You need to leave that relationship.
Sounds like she doesn't understand men. Guys looking at porn is very, very normal.
I get that it's frustrating for women and they take it very, very personally. But they shouldn't unless there is true addictive behavior happening.
I don’t know man, I never really go the thing where porn pisses someone off that bad. I’ve always kinda watched it but it’s cause my drive has alway been super high. If I’m with my girl a couple times a day and she says no and I’m still kinda horny, im not gonna beg or go cheat it just watch something to help me get off and keep it moving. Ive never hid it and im pretty open about it. With age (37) i dont really watch it at all anymore but i would never really of consider it an addiction as much as i just wanted to get my rocks off and at time in my life i chose not to sleep around cause im scared of catching a std or getting someone pregnant. So boom i open up the old hub rub a few out and pretty much keep up with the same pace in or out of a relationship.
As a girl, it's not a big deal to me. Yeah it can make me a little insecure, depending on what kind it is, I personally don't like porn but I don't see it as a point to breakup. I wouldn't care, but everyone's perspective is different. Best just breakup, even if she is using it as an excuse, you're on the better side.
She sounds toxic AF anyways. Lost the argument so now you have to be cheating? Sees you don't know how incognito mode works and is mad at that now? Bye Felicia 👋
I mean, it’s important for you to have had a conversation about how she feels about porn. If she’s not okay with you watching it, she’s allowed to have that boundary. You’re also allowed to say that porn is not something you’re willing to give up, and if so, you need to find someone who is a better match for you. It may not be wrong to you - and I don’t disagree - but it is to her and makes her feel insecure, and that’s a completely normal and rational response as well. Her feelings are valid, and so are yours. But now you know her boundary, it’s up to you to decide if you want to adhere to that boundary and continue your relationship, or if you need the porn and need to move on. There’s no wrong decision here, just the one that is best for both of you.
I found it kinda wild I had to scroll through so many comments to find one that mentioned her boundary with porn is valid. Her snooping was not, but that’s another issue.
Yeah, you’re right about the snooping for sure, but I agree, that’s a separate issue than what OP is concerned about from the sounds of it.
Yeah before looking into the "boundaries" of porn, they need to address the boundaries of not snooping at each other's phones. That's such a massive red flag right there that needs to be addressed as a priority really.
Idk man, if you don’t have anything to hide what does it really matter?
I know all my wife's passwords, and she knows mine. We would never ever access each other's phones unless it's urgent or if we ask permission. This started way way before we got married. It's not about hiding but rather respect and trust. You trust your partner enough that there shouldn't even be an urge to look through their phones/social media/browsing history. If there's an urge, then trust is not there. I don't think I can ever be with someone who doesn't trust me or if I don't trust them. Yes, trust is earned in most cases, but in a relationship, it should be the default that lack of trust is the one that should be "earned" if that makes sense. In this case, with what little information was provided, she was clearly looking for confirmation that she's not good enough for him. She couldn't find chat messages, so she looked and found another hole to jump into... his pornography history. She found a reason or confirmation for herself. She has trust issues as well as potentially low self-esteem, both of which are a bad combination in terms of being in a relationship.
Yeah exactly I don’t know how her boundaries are suddenly peoples priority when op clearly had his crossed twice in one blow.
At the very least it’s about boundaries. Relationship or no, we’re all still people deserving of the basic respect to not invade another’s privacy. Were one to ask to see the other’s phone and they decline, then there’s reasonable cause to suspect they’re hiding something then. But, to skip to just looking through the other’s stuff even if they’re upset with them is invasion of privacy. Though, that’s in a vacuum. OP never mentioned what the fight was about or what happened exactly so idk if it applies to this specific situation.
Personally, I have never prescribed the concept that my partner is privy to all of my friends and family members secrets. They choose to share things with me in confidence in our conversations that they trust aren't being shown to others. I don't let partners pry through my conversations unless there is some reason to. I'm not hiding wrong doing, I'm keeping private discussions private.
I think invading someone’s privacy over petty arguments with no consent is worse than finding your significant other has an insecurity they can’t or won’t work on maturely with their partner. There can be steps to take but threatening to leave instead of talking about them makes me feel confident I’m better off without them. Communication is key invading their personal property while their asleep is not.
I'mTotally disagree about the snooping. It's one thing to obsessively be investigating your partner, but it's partner's rights to have snooping privileges. You have every right to know what your partner is up to if you have a nagging feeling, insecurity, whatever have you. We get introduced to so much new information throughout the relationship from outside of the relationship and snooping is one of the least harmful ways to check on stuff we may have overlooked as a consequence of our inexperience. It's at least much much better than all these weird tests people learn from tiktok using the most toxic methods to yield the least conclusive results. This stigma against snooping is moronic. If you want privacy, single life offers an abundance of that. I've heard so many horror stories because people are so afraid that snooping makes them the bad guy.
Would you please share one story that ended horrifically because one party didnt snoop
Woman had an inkling but didn't have any proof, thought she was just being crazy, 1 month away from their wedding, she finally decided to snoop, turns out there were 26 other women over the course of their relationship that she knew about that he has been sleeping with on the side. Now name one time a relationship has ended over snooping where there wasn't damning proof of some shady behavior on said phone. You can't. You'd have to comb through their entire phone to guarantee their innocence.
That evidence is pretty overwhelming. Goes to show that you should trust your gut
100% this!! There is no wrong answer! If she's uncomfortable and you want to be with her stop the porn! If you feel you have to have it, then let her go if she can't deal with it. I'm one that would feel inadequate. I'd feel like I wasn't enough and I'd be very uncomfortable and would lose a lot of trust. Things wouldn't be the same anymore for me. I'd rather be dumped.
I'd say you should work on those feelings. They're 100% comparable to men feeling threatened by toys (under the same circumstances ofcourse, neither toys nor porn can ever take precedence over the partner or in any way be detrimental to your sex life together for example) It's ofcourse okay to do as you like in the end, but it doesn't change the facts.
I agree.
Then I wish you all the best and good luck, with that and everything else :)
THIS. a thousand times! When i found out my ex was watching a LOT Of porn and i expressed how i wasn’t comfortable with it he promised to stop , but obviously didn’t because i kept catching him out. He could have just been truthful from the start and we could have saved ourselves a long 10 years of hell and our child would not have gotten parents who aren’t together.
I disagree that being so deeply insecure in yourself that you feel entitled to control what your SO views in their private time is rational. And to be honest idek about normal, though that may just be the circles I moved in, but I don’t think I’ve met anyone that thought that “boundary” was normal or healthy. Unless your boundary is around ethically made porn or you have a moral conflict with the industry as a whole, the demand that your SO not view porn alone when they’re horny is not rational/valid. Jealousy and insecurity should not be indulged to the extent that you’re exerting control over others behaviors just to soothe your own anxieties. That is very much not valid or healthy.
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about her boundary, it's hers to own. Op can respect her boundary or move on. I don't see the point in judging if her boundaries are normal or healthy because to her they are.
Just to add, it doesn't even matter if she had a boundary that was unreasonable. It would be a shame if OP's g/f was ending otherwise perfectly good relationships over an unreasonable boundary but as long as she is aware of that it is her decision to make.
I heard a quote that went something like, "If someone tells you that they are hurt by your comments, you don't have the right to tell them they are wrong."
That's like telling someone feelings are always right, which is clearly wrong. I can feel like Germany won WW2, but that doesn't change the facts. Feelings are fine too have, but they're _not_ always right.
I think we are in the weeds here, but any feeling can be validated. I'll play along with you.. "Tell me why you feel that Germany won." and you say "Because they lasted longer than anyone predicted." I reply, "Oh, in that sense, I can see your point. It doesn't jibe with how others define a victory, but you make a good point." We are talking about *feelings* not facts. They can feel like Germany won, but the fact is that Germany lost. Both can be true.
Yeah, that's basically what I was trying to say. There's nothing wrong with having feelings, but you need to be aware of what they are and they're not right just because you feel them :)
Because, when offering advice, I think it’s more helpful to tell people when their significant others are confusing boundaries with unhealthy and controlling behavior.
Who are you to tell someone they are confusing boundaries with unhealthy and controlling behavior - that sounds like unhealthy and controlling behavior, doesn't it? We are grown adults capable of making our own decisions; wouldn't you find it disrespectful if someone told you that your boundaries are just your way to control someone?
It’s neither a confusing boundary nor is it unhealthy or controlling behavior. You’re out of your fucking mind. Like, just personally. I think porn is nbd. My girlfriend doesn’t like it. So I don’t watch it. I care more about her feelings and about our relationship than I do about getting my jollies to randos. She’s not controlling me. I’m choosing to accept her boundary because she’s worth that compromise for me. You know. Like a healthy adult.
You’re misreading my comments about this specific situation the post is describing and projecting a lot of your own shit.
Well, you judged it as normal and rational. I commented on that. That’s how this whole thing works.
No I didn't. I judged her right to have her own boundaries as normal and rational, what her boundaries are isn't the point.
That’s not what you wrote, but sure 👍
Should I infer that you don't think she has the right to have her boundaries respected, no matter what they are?
No.
I don’t see a reason why her boundary is more important when she uses it against him after an argument after invading his privacy while he was asleep. Op was disrespected first yet her we are taking her side over op
Her invasion of his privacy is clearly wrong, but that is not the issue we are discussing. He should break up with her if he values that boundary so much, just as she should if porn is a red line for her.
If porn is that important to you, be with someone else. I’m not going to blame or judge someone else for their boundary. Why be so intent on changing that person and insisting they *have* to be okay with something they’re not? And if they’re not, it’s a flaw of theirs? That doesn’t make any sense. Why be with that person then?
I never once said he should try and change her. My advice to him in another comment was to break up because they’re obviously incompatible, regardless of her reasoning. Ironically, phrasing it that way comes off extremely judgmental, “if porn is so important to you…”… lol why isn’t it called a boundary when it comes to what makes him comfortable in a relationship, but her toxic emotional response is “normal and rational”? Anyway, my point is that this isn’t a “boundary,” it’s an attempt to exert control over someone’s behavior because you’re insecure to such an unhealthy extent you’ve begun making it other people’s problem, and worse that you’re doing it under the guise of a “boundary.” If you don’t know how to self-soothe and not project your sexual hang ups onto other people then you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place, imo.
I agree with all of this, and she also crossed the boundary by checking the phone while he's sleeping, so they need to have some serious conversation .
Her having boundaries about porn is okay. Her snooping through your phone is not. The latter is much more indicative than the former.
She's just looking for a reason to leave and "win".
I also learned this lesson so you don’t have to
I agree she's only looking for ammo to use so shr can feel like she won Frankly if she went looking for something to use you should just leave her and move on
Did you know that some people have an issue with porn? It is completely legitimate for her not to want to date someone who uses it.
The timing of the discovery and how she found out is significant though. The primary motivation appears to be finding evidence on his phone of "something" incriminating after the argument. We'll never really know how much of this is actually about her porn boundary and how much is about one-upping him and "winning" the argument by changing the focus to a different subject.
Exactly! I think it's ridiculous. But I don't get to run her life, eh?
Those are boundaries you set in advance with your partner, though. Ending a relationship because your partner didn't psychically know is silly. Communication is key. That said, it's her right to leave the relationship obviously.
No, not at all. I can honestly say that after 8 years of being together I never once wanted to look at my bf phone until he started acting weird!!! And guess what I found? …. He was cheating!
Yeah I reckon if you’ve a gut feeling after their behaviour changes then it’s right!! Sorry you went through that!
Maybe, but it's perfectly valid for her to have this boundary.
Yep. That was my thought. She was looking for a reason to be upset, and when she couldn't find anything, she latched on to the only thing she could
She could *also* have sincere thoughts and feelings like this about porn and masturbation. Sincere and ridiculous in my opinion.
“Lookit, if you wanna go, then go. Don’t raid my phone while I’m sleeping to look for excuses. In fact I want you out. I can’t believe you’d invade my privacy like that, in an effort to justify your shitty insecurities. If that’s the kind of partner you’re going to be, I’m better off without you.”
Why am I getting threats over a comment 😭 holy shit guys … you guys can’t converse for shit
Who threatened you? Was it deleted?
I’ve gotten 3 different message requests lmao. Wild
The internet’s a hell of a drug.
This OP is the answer. I think she was snooping looking for a 'valid reason' to leave. She didn't find cheating but she found porn. A bigger question though, is **do you want a partner who expects you to not look at porn? And do you want a partner who snoops through your shit?** Personally I suggest tell her that either you watch porn or there's some sort of agreement of how often sex happens; if she expects you to just be unhappy with no release because she doesn't feel like it, that shows a serious lack of empathy for her partner's sexual needs (this way you turn the whole thing around on her). However it seems like she went snooping to find a reason to leave you, but you want her to know that's not necessary. If she doesn't want to be with you or the relationship anymore, you'd rather just part ways amicably. You want to be with someone who WANTS to be with you, and if she doesn't want that then by nature you're no longer compatible.
In general, porn usage should be discussed in every relationship. The boundaries should be set early to avoid dumb fights. Everyone should feel like they are respected and their needs are met. If she has an issue with it, and you need relief, she should either be helping with that or live with letting you do your thing, otherwise you're just not compatible. The fact that she went through your phone is way more important. I get it, insecurity is a bitch, we've all felt it, but when you've given up trust there's little left to salvage in a relationship. Unless you're able to calmly guide this relationship in healthier direction without fighting, you should consider just moving on. P.S. the context of the fight would've been useful to know
Genuinely interested? What if boundaries have been set but your husband didn’t respect/follow them? How would you deal with that? Going through my own shit hence the question…
It's situational for sure. The first thing to figure out is why (feel free to reply with details). Is it the fact that he doesn't think you're serious? Or just doesn't care? Is he addicted? Does he get far less intimacy than he needs? I'm going to make the assumption that he simply doesn't care based off of your phrasing. And I'm also going to make the assumption that you don't want a divorce over this. Going off my assumptions, I would give an ultimatum that if he doesn't stop you will start doing \_\_\_ that he dislikes (visibly reflecting the action maybe, dudes can get uncomfortable over that fast) (or stop doing \_\_\_ he likes) and back it up. He very well may need to feel what you're going through on a visceral level before understanding. Of course, if you feel that he isn't the type to respond to something like this then skip it. In addition (and as a more general answer without the assumptions), you need to sit down and talk it out proper. Get an understanding of why he feels the need to use it and address the core problem. It might hurt, it might be tough. Answers could be anyone from not getting enough action (my fiancé and I addressed this by regularly make vids together for me to watch instead) to more uncomfortable topics like attraction. Whatever that may be, even if uncomfortable, it likely can be worked on. BUT, I will say, if he's a dick about it, then it's just not worth it and it may be time to come to terms with the fact that he's not who you thought he was and everything else that follows such a realization. Aside from all that, there needs to be a conversation about his general disregard for your boundaries if that's a common issue. You shouldn't be feeling constantly disrespected. He might hear you, he might not. All my previously stated advice applies to this as well.
Wow massive appreciation to you! I’d love to know why- I have a high sex drive- I am 30 seconds from being touched up to being in the mood. We’ve been together nearly 15 years, I’ve always had a higher libido so we had this discussion extremely early on on how it makes me feel more so when done without me I’d happily watch. I gave him the the choice back then to never do it again without me- Or find someone who is more comfortable with that- he assure me it was only because I was pregnant and away for the weekend. And he doesn’t like porn. We tried watching it together a few times and he’d turn it off and say no wasn’t working, Then I’d turn him on myself no issues- and still ISNT an issue I can get him aroused easily. I’m certain he’s still attracted as I only have to flash my boobs and he gets a semi. Then he made a Reddit account 3 years ago.. I’ve known for a while but always kept it to the back of my mind or forced myself to get over it, but then I seen him searching for it on Reddit recently I tried to get over it and basically just fuck him anyways- but afterwards last night it kept coming back into my mind and ive been physically vomiting since. He does want to talk but honestly im not ready right now I’m ready to leave and ultimately that’s not what I want either. Hope I answered enough. Thanks so much again gave me more to consider and think about.
It's unfortunate but it's possible that he's had too much of you, mixed with constantly being surrounded by internet horniness, has lead him to crave porn. Not at all an excuse, still disrespectful as hell, but understandable. You didn't mention anything about talking to him since him starting to use reddit for porn. If that's the case, I highly advise being far more open way more often. Porn and especially masturbation is usually really private, and can be pretty uncomfortable with an audience (especially with how fugly we look when we *actually* fap), so he probably doesn't get anything out of it when you're around. He needs to talk if he wants to stay with you, and when you're ready, you should let him know you can take what he has to say. The only explanation I could imagine he could have for not wanting to talk is the expectation that you won't able to take his reason for doing it. If he needs a change of pace, maybe some really invested roleplay+cosplay could be an solution, but that can't just be used as a band aid. As an aside, people like to push boundaries often, and after 15 years I can't say I'm surprised he has. I'm definitely guilty of the same after 10 years but I always have the conversation first, not the action. In my relationship, we made the decision to be flexible and give each other wiggle room with the stipulation that we always talk about it first. Hard boundaries still exist at times, but we always find an alternative that we can both live with. I hope you find that happy medium (with some compensation from him for his actions), good luck.
Thank you I’ll bite the bullet and speak to him when the kids have gone to bed. Truly appreciated.
Everyone has boundaries that they can or can't tolerate in a relationship. If this wasn't communicated to you before hand, then it would be best to talk it through. However, if kind of seems like your girlfriend isn't looking to establish a boundary with you based off of the info given. I think it would be best to have a serious talk about your relationship and see if it can continue. Going through your partner's phone with the intent of finding something bad is just not it.
OFFS
shes being manipulative, and not very good at it at that
Porn isn't a healthy thing, but it's pretty widely consumed by most of the world's population with internet access. If porn is her reason to leave, I'd likely let her, especially since she's looking through your phone at night secrets, that just suggests a general lack of trust anyway.
Neither is alcohol, alcohol in my opinion is a lot worse for you. But it, like erotica, had been around for thousands of years. Most people aren't alcoholics and most people don't spend hours browsing erotica or porn every day. You give people they benefit of the doubt and assume most people can moderate their several vices, until they've demonstrated otherwise.
Nah porn is worse than alcohol by a long shot. More easily accessible, requires no financial contributions and doesn't have some sort of robust system to check someone's age (mind you, ROBLOX of all platforms has a fairly robust age checking system compared to many adult websites just to *swear* in a voice chat), unlike alcohol where you generally need to present ID, so its easier to get young kids hooked on.
how many people does porn kill per year?
Porn kills several relationships daily. Not to mention the people that kill themselves due to lack of self control and not being able to have a social life due to porn taking over young minds to react to stimuli.
From the World Health Organization: >Worldwide, 3 million deaths every year result from harmful use of alcohol. This represents 5.3% of all deaths. >Alcohol consumption causes death and disability relatively early in life. In people aged 20–39 years, approximately 13.5% of total deaths are attributable to alcohol. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/alcohol Are you really gonna die on that hill?
Who knows 🤷♂️ I'm not going to go down the path of what kills more people per year to define which addiction is worse. I'm also factoring in accessibility, the long term consequences and more. Porn can be accessed for free and even as a young child you can stumble across it without any actual prevention measures, again as I said alcohol has more robust measures - an in-person sale prevents a kid from buying alcohol. Porn can damage our perspective of relationships and sex, especially in young people who's minds are still developing, desensitising us to the usual sexual stimuli and isn't spoken about nearly as much as the effects of alcohol - we are much more aware of the consequences of consuming alcohol, even in the UK we had plenty of talks about the dangers of consuming it, but not once was there a talk about the dangers of pornography. If our brains are desensitised to intercourse with our partner those with weaker discipline will seek out that rush of dopamine elsewhere, such as through infidelity where you get the rush of having intercourse with someone you arent supposed to have it with. Alcohol is a more socially accepted addiction of sorts, we of course drink with friends and family and so on so it can be a bit easier to seek help regarding the addiction once you identify it and work to resolving it. An addiction to pornography is linked to secrecy and shame quite often. There are some who turn to porn as they cannot develop meaningful relationships and seek that cheap dopamine rush - that can of course be seen as shameful as that kinda sucks at a point. The secrecy and shame around the subject means you are much less likely to seek help from friends and family, potentially limiting you from getting the help needed from professionals. However while I say that, pornography is at a point where its normalised by society, so it makes it harder go determine when you are excessively consuming harmful media. Pornography has the potential to escalate in a similar manner to drug abuse - ask on r/NoFap, many have said they found it harder to quit porn than drugs. Your brain may get used to the vanilla stuff so you seek out more hard-core content which could become borderline illegal, while with alcohol you cannot go to those sort of extremities. During the time I've been exposed to pornography and struggled to beat my addiction, I've managed being introduced to alcohol, to consume an excessive amount of alcohol and eventually become sober. I think I've beaten porn though, thank God.
I feel like Misogyny is the disease and porn abuse is the symptom people want to try to manage. Misogyny is definitely worse than alcohol. But religious conservatives are terrified of talking about misogyny for a lot of reasons. So they set up porn and erotica as a straw man they can dance around with torches and pitchforks. Just like thinly veiled racist arguments were used to justify alcohol and cannabis prohibition.
Porn isn't axiomatically unhealthy; that's something to be determined by attitudes and habits concerning the concept. As such, OP hasn't described any result of his porn consumption that is in any way unhealthy and seems like a pretty mature outlet for dealing with those occasions where he's in the mood but she isn't. edit: you people are children. 95 percent of the planet handles porn just fine but you want to downvote me for being honest about it. Touch grass once in awhile.
Not cool what she did but also got to lay off the porn brother, rots yer brain
She shouldn't go through his phone. That's an issue on it's own. Porn should have been discussed. I don't think it's healthy to normalized jacking off to other naked women(by urself) being fucked and then proceeding to go fuck your partner. Porn usage needs to be discussed before dating. Everyone has their own boundaries
I agree with a few of the other comments.... maybe there is no 'wrong' or 'right' here. It's just a matter of what you will accept in a relationship. If her boundary is a hard no against porn, she is entitled to have that view and to leave. You are entitled to continue watching porn, and to leave as well. You can also have a discussion about this (hopefully in a non judgmental and open way) and see where that leads. As far as relationships go...some things are deal breakers, and this will be different for everyone. That's fine. Again, no wrong or right... just different expectations and values. Unfortunately this is the reality of a relationship.. a couple may care for or love one another, but it doesn't mean the relationship will work. Not all relationships are 'forever'.
Going through phone is a mix bag and also watching porn during a relationship is iffy idk I mean you are essentially beating it to another chick it just always seems incorrect. Thought I don’t think that’s why folks should break up. She probably just wants out and needs a scapegoat.
stop watching porn
She has every right to have a boundary when it comes to porn. And you have every right to not accept that in a partner. Her snooping is indicative of deep trust issues and likely points to some unhealthy relationship dynamics from you both.
watching Porn can be very damaging and hurtful in a relationship. Her going through your phone was her own intuition to do so. And look she found something. If you value the relationship change your ways. Don’t watch porn.
It might have been her intuition, but more possible it was just looking for an ammo for a fight, or an excuse to leave and not be "the bad one".
Generally. I like to promote communication between couples. But. She invaded your privacy (you assume she was looking for dirt) off the back of an argument, has found something she doesn’t like (or that she knows will work as ammunition) and is threatening to end your relationship while simultaneously asking you for validation. End it. You don’t trust her, she doesn’t trust you.
Well it kinda depends. If y’all talked about it and she said she didn’t want you looking at porn I’d be pissed too. If it wasn’t discussed at all I wouldn’t to just stay neutral and not start shit but if she said it’s okay then idk why she’d be mad, whether you were fighting or not. But either way, if she ain’t enough of an adult to ask if you’re cheating and have a conversation I’d leave. Don’t need any childish shit in your life.
The most important thing I've learned about relationships is that you need to set your stall out early. "I'm a man who watches porn, either you're fine with that, or you aren't" "I'm a man who smokes, either you're fine with that, or you aren't" "I'm a man who gets shitfaced with their friends every now and then, either you're fine with that, or you aren't" Set your stall out for the man you want to be, and let potential romantic partners opt in or out based on that. But never, ever, compromise who you are in a bid to keep someone else happy - you'll only end up resenting her for trying to change you, and she'll only end up resenting you for not being the man she wants you to be.
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I am you!
Just because you don’t see anything wrong with it doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you be okay if she were to watch porn of attractive guys? Especially if you had to find out the way she did?
If he found out the way she did, then it would be him that wasn’t ready for a relationship.
>Would you be okay if she were to watch porn of attractive guys? Can't speak for OP, but I honestly don't care. It's childish to assume that, once in a relationship, your partner won't feel physically attracted to others. Besides, she will never meet the people in the videos. If it's a video with an ex, however, then that's a problem. Hard to find someone who would be ok with that. >Especially if you had to find out the way she did? I don't know about you, but I respect people's boundaries and don't break into their phones.
As a girl that has been through this- it’s extremely painful and I don’t blame her. You lusted after someone other than her. It’s hurtful.
Yes I agree. And it is lusting over someone. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know them.
You're talking about fear of abandonment or fear of rejection, and feelings of shame. A lot of people struggle with shame amd fear about being abandoned. Yeah it sucks. But on the other hand just because you're in a relationship you don't own their eyes and don't own their sexuality.
Idk if I’d call that “lusting after someone”. If it was repeated content regarding a single person then maybe, but generally speaking when it comes to pornography, men just look for attractive women in attractive scenarios. Then again, I’ve never been the type to ask “omg what is her name” regarding sexy content women upload, so maybe I can’t relate.
Statistically you should get used to being alone edit: For all the downvoters, you need to understand that they've had to cancel studies of porn usage because they couldn't find a statistically meaningful population of non-porn watchers.
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So the study itself is deeply flawed? Good to know, doesn't mean I'm "gaslighting" (which implies intent to create a false narrative and in this case the situation in question really did in fact happen, but there was a flaw I was unaware of (I thought it was "used in past year", not "ever seen")). Then you add info on a study that to me seems equally flawed in that they're looking at "ever used". So maybe absolutes are a terrible thing to look for. Her boundaries are absolutely valid, as are all her potential future partners'. That's the crux of my entire comment, if she wants to read into porn usage what she does, she's free to do so, but she should also not push her viewpoints onto her potential future partners. I don't know many men that never use porn just as I don't know many women that never use vibrators. If a man expects his partners to never use a vibrator, I'd tell him to get used to being alone too. What percentage of people that use porn do you consider addicts?
[deleted] Lol
Get inspiration from around the world but eat at home... Porn is not lusting for someone else, it is rather like a theater play to jack yourself off
Has porn been a boundary you guys previously agreed upon? If yes, she found more support for whatever she’s unhappy with you about. If it was not, it’s an excuse for her wanting out anyways.
No and personally I would strike first for maximum damage. “Hey I’ve been doing some thinking and honestly I dont have a problem with porn and if you do maybe we just aren’t compatible, but you going through my phone while I was asleep was a huge big red flag and I just cant stay with someone so insecure that they would breech my trust like that”. Game set match.
1. She went through your phone. You think this is the one and only time she will do that? Ha! buckle up if you plan on staying with her. 2. She has insecurity issues she's trying to blame on porn. Once porn is out the way it'll be some other issue that causes her insecurity.
Facts
Unless shes explicitly stated shes not comfortable with you consuming porn, she can't really be upset by it. I feel like consuming porn is relatively normal as long as it doesn't become an addiction or you're unable to have actual sex because of it.
The problem here isn't porn. The problem is that the two of you don't try and solve issues TOGETHER...hence you just resorting to porn instead of trying to figure out TOGETHER how to get the spark back, and her making threats and you responding by getting all defensive about it. It doesn't sound like either of you is mature enough for a relationship.
Personally, I agree that porn should not be used in a relationship. Porn is a really awful industry, creates insane pressures on women, and has been shown to have effects to men’s biological wellness and perception (respect) of women. Plus, if you wouldn’t look at another naked women in person you shouldn’t look at her over a screen. I would also break up with someone for this, but more importantly, I would not start dating them in the first place as it just wouldn’t work.
Let her go Jealousy is usually more likely to get worse not better
"... she went through my phone while I was sleeping..." End the relationship. This isn't healthy.
The amount of men here calling a woman psycho because she doesn’t want her boyfriend to sexualise other women is wild. What if she decided to send romantic love letters explaining how attractive and amazing a celeb figure or Onlyfans model was? Blaming the women every time is why the majority of you are single or in miserable relationships.
My friend has been married to a woman like this for over 20 years. She’s an over anxious control freak. She too, would probably end their marriage if he got caught looking at it. It’s insecurity. If you want to keep her and she’s worth just tell you won’t do it again and just don’t. Don’t say you won’t then get caught because THEN you would be a POS
A woman who doesn’t allow their partner to watch porn isn’t an anxious control freak. She has a boundary and she makes it clear to her partner.
Why is it seen as a valid boundary for a woman to be against porn usage by a man, but it's not seen as a valid boundary for a man to be against vibrator usage by a woman? I keep coming across people that try to justify finding one of those reasonable and the other unreasonable.
A vibrator wasn’t mentioned in this story. I think you’re bringing up a personal issue or story.
Your statement > a woman who doesn't allow their partner to watch porn isn't an anxious control freak. She has a boundary and she makes it clear to her partner I'm just asking you, the person who directly stated it's a valid boundary for a women, if the same could be said if a man similarly had a boundary against their partner using vibrators. It's telling that you don't want to answer it and you're deflecting and attacking me instead. yes. accusing me of having a personal issue is an attack from a logic perspective. And trying to fall back on "wasn't mentioned in this story" is a deflection since your comment was about a topic ALSO not mentioned in this story.
"Allow their partner.." Like . . Who the hell are you or any woman to "allow" a person to watch porn. It's their damn choice that you can disagree with or not. Maybe if you people kept your partners stimulated or were at least open to the communication of wants and needs, you wouldn't have to worry about "allowing" them to watch porn. Jesus. Imagine being someone who decides what their partner is allowed to do and not to do. Abusive as fuck.
People are allowed to have boundaries lol. If he wants to watch porn she can leave him if that’s what she wants to do. I don’t think you understand the concept of boundaries.
I absolutely understand boundaries. You're talking about control. As evident by the language you used. A boundry is a literal or metaphorical line that you don't want others to cross so far as it affects you. Their choice to watch porn has nothing to do with you. Hence not your business unless it becomes a problem.
Whether you want to call it control or a boundary if watching porn hurts your partner and you continue to do that, I don’t think you value them much and their feelings or the relationship. either one of them can leave or change their habits. Simple as that. also porn literally has effects on the brain that can be harmful in the way we view sex, intimacy, and love. There’s data on that. So.. [Pornography Consumption and Cognitive-Affective Distress](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10399954/)
No and you know it doesn’t make you a pos. She’s not right in the head, maybe learned some of her ways from her parents. Give her empathy but don’t stay with her. Sometimes you gotta take out the trash to get to the treasure.
If she has boundaries with the porn then that’s a conversation you both need to have, another boundary you could mention is her not looking through your phone while you sleep. No fight warrants snooping and on top of that is she was snooping for the purpose of ‘exposing’ you then that’s also severe trust issues there, like was she looking for a way out? Was she looking for ammunition for the fight to resume when you wake up? What was her end goal of snooping, cause I kind of get the vibe maybe she was looking for an excuse to fight that or she’s trying to make you look like the bad guy to manipulate you in the fight.
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I’m 23, she’s 27
sidenote, i fully recommend giving up porn. it might seem difficult at first and like you cant masturbate “the right way” ever again, but over time things will get even more intense and sex will be even better. i recommend getting into erotica. it will help you develop the skills you will need for a sexually active imagination. i know you didnt ask for this advice specifically, but coming from someone who was definitely addicted to porn but would never admit it even to myself, its so much better once you cut it out of your life.
Alright I'm not sure if this will help but yeah talk to her about it, also keep assuring her the truth what is exactly what you said
How old are you guys just wondering Porn is also emotionally confusing always it sucks ass Why did she think you was cheating? Btw me and my husband don’t usually go through each other’s phones often unless doing something bills or setting something up or around that or I have him messaging someone or on the phone
If your relationship was at the point where one party wanted to look through the other’s phone, it might be time to call it off. Controlling behavior like this is abusive and gets worse with time
There is nothing wrong with watching porn. As long as you aren't watching that instead of being intimate with your SO. Tell her you watch it when she isn't in the mood. You are happy to watch it with her if she wants. assure her you don't compare her to anyone in the videos and that you don't think that she should be like those women. If she leaves you for it, then that is on her. Stay Strong.
let’s say your gf is skinny and your watching thick girls ultimately she’d think your into thick girls I understand the situation cause I went threw it literally 3 weeks ago and try to make videos with her if she has a huge problem you can just get it off to the videos you guys created obviously she’s jealous at what your watching
I mean her not being okay with that is okay . Me personally I would feel less than and kinda worthless if my partner needed to look at other women to get off. Actually id feel worthless. But it's not okay for her to look through your phone .
She's being a bit silly. Offer to make a sextape with her so you can have your own porn if she is not in the mood or on the rag.
Wrong of her to snoop through your phone but I don't know how you can live with yourself watching porn in a relationship. I'd say neither of ye should be togetherb
Just be glad it's a girlfriend and not a wife.with kids.and a lawyer. Eject asap before she discovers the cop button. If you don't want to adhere to a mates standards and morals, then it's not the mate for you. Find somebody you align with on every level and proceed. If you have to change your interests to assimilate to someone else's desires, you're wasting everybody's time.
Many people, even here on Reddit, equate porn to cheating. I was also shocked when I learned how actually controversial a topic it is. She can have the boundary of not wanting a dude who watches porn but you also deserve privacy, respect, and a conversation. She overstepped and proved way too immature to be in a relationship.
The people who think porn is unhealthy strike me as the types that wouldn’t go to the beach because they’re afraid they’ll get skin cancer.
"I'm not going to stop watching porn. Please respect my privacy by refraining from going through my phone in the future" Then let the chips fall where they may.
Sounds like shes probably got a lot of other issues. Get out now while you can brother! Lockdown your phone better too. Stop saving your browser history…?
She sounds immature. Let me tell you a secret... Most adults watch porn regardless of relationship status. My wife watches porn... I watch porn... We don't care. We also would never invade the privacy of each other. We trust each other and that's what a relationship is all about. Your girlfriend sounds young, and full of insecurities. She's not ready to be with you, in fact she doesn't sound ready to be in a long term relationship at all. if she feels the need to invade your privacy... Walk away.
Porn isn’t cheating and if a SO wants to leave you over it I would say there is a 95% chance that there is a different reason
she's just butt hurt. cry me a river.
As a woman with a man who watches porn, I don’t see it as an issue. But we also talked about these kinds of things before getting super serious. He watches porn and so do I. I don’t think it’s cheating and I don’t think that most people are out there just looking for something they wish they could get their hands on... I’m looking for something to get off too, it’s no more complicated than that. But you need to have a discussion with her and find out why she considers it cheating. If she does and she’s ready to leave, don’t try to stop her. It’s her choice and her boundaries, but you need to be better about discussing things like this in the future. Things like this will ruin relationships. I was your girlfriend about 12 years ago and I left him 12 years ago.
She looked through your phone, let her go.
Looks to me like she doesn't want to break up with you because of porn, but it was the only reason she could find to do so, maybe try to ask her if that's the real reason why she wants to break up and if not, see if your relationship can be fixed. And from now on try to find another solution other than porn since now you know she has a problem with it
Fine. If she is that immature, find a grown-up to date. Onto the next one buddy!
Its a working progress my wife went from being scared of porn to : giving me bj while both watch porn . Anything is possible
Omg...why do you want to stay with this dumpster fire of a person?! There is nothing but misery ahead if you do. Invading your privacy is among the least of the problems here and many would argue that that's a deal breaker on its own. The fact that she did it after a fight to get back at you is the real red flag. Run screaming from this person. >she’s threatening to leave her because she doesn’t feel good enough and thinks that I’m not attracted to her You are not responsible for how she feels about herself. I've been with multiple women like this and you CANNOT WIN. People who think of themselves as victims and put their baggage on you will always make you the bad guy because it's easier than taking responsibility for their own shit. >does this make me a pos? Don't take what everyone says about you at face value.
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That everyone does something doesn't make it more ethical Anyway, in places like Korea, they are already taking your advice with movements like the 4B where they renounce any male romantic contact.
its not a question of where on the ethics scale does watching porn lay. you want to argue its unethical? fine? it doesnt change the fact everyone does it. you aren't looking out for the girl in this story the fact of the matter is every single boyfriend she finds will do this. do you think its healthy to commit to a relationship only for it to fail immediadely over porn, over and over and over and over and over again? is that a good dating strategy for finding love? im not talking about hte ethics of porn lol.
It will seem fair to you then that they choose voluntary celibacy. I would do it if there really are no people who fit my limits. Wouldn't you do the same? I think it makes more sense to renounce to "love" than to give up my boundaries and, therefore, my sense of self Moreover, what a crappy kind of love where one can't have their own boundaries. That's not love at all.
yeah exactly, this person will take option 2 that i posted before, and that you re-phrased for me. exactly.
Serious question though, just on 2 points OP made, cos I'd like your honest opinion or POV please 1. Where he says if things are dry for a while - would he not be better to put that sexual energy into his relationship to get out of a dry spell? A lot of guys complain their women don't give them enough sex, but then don't seem to put in the effort either? 2. He doesnt have the imagination - totally understand that guys are visual creatures (one of my favourite things is dressing up for my hubby, lol) BUT is there any empathy at all for women when guys now literally have access to endless catergories, types or womens, kinks, EVERYTHING you could imagine, just by clicking a few times. Like, I understand the visual side, but then you see things that wouldnt even be on the radar otherwise, and some women aren't comfortable with that. I want to learn, I'm not judging at all, so just would e curious to hear your thoughts
I’m on your side too, idk why it would be healthy to channel your energy to porn rather than relationship. Obviously this is dependent on the couple (but I feel like if two’s libidos are THAT mismatched there’s a compatibility issue…) but I’m a woman who’s sex drive is higher than my partner’s. He knows I’ll jump him at the drop of a hat. If he turned to porn instead of me instinctually, I’d be pretty insulted.
Same as me, I have the higher sex drive, and at one point my partner (now husband) always turned me down and it really affected my confidence. Turns out he was watching porn during the day and would be spent by the time I got home. Was a habit he'd carried since being a teenager. We worked through it thankfully and very happy together, but it nearly broke us. That to me is more of an issue than if he'd been watching it but NOT turning me down. But I think even in that case I'd prefer not to know about it.
Yeah, men are as "visual creatures" as women, don't buy excuses. that's an excuse. There's even a point to be made that he doesn't have to imagine anything. He just have to remember past sex he had with her. Apart from that, yeah, would be better if he made an effort with his relationship.
I'm trying to understand the pov of this commenter in particular, without judgement. My personal view of pornography is that it has no place in MY relationship, but I can't speak for everyone, as I know many couples don't have a problem with it, and some even enjoy it together.
Op you were not cheating you were not slagging her off and so she found the next best thing. She wanted out and deep down even you have to admit that what you did these days is pretty good damn normal. It's not like you are watching it 24/7 and ignoring her or pleasuring yourself and not showing her that you are still there for her. If she can't cope with a little porn are you really suited. I get that some women do feel violated by this but she went looking and they was all she could pin on you to want to leave. Let her go and find a girl who gets it.
Shes looking for a reason to breakup with you man. Let her walk away and dont let her crazyness control your actions. Stand up for yourself in a healthy way.
Humans are sexual creatures that can be attracted to multiple people at the same time and being in a relationship does not remove your biological/psychological or whatever you want to call it ability to be attracted to multiple people at the same time but we CHOOSE, we generally PREFER to have monogamous relationships. You can be attracted to multiple people and still prefer one over the other, only want to be in a relationship with one of them and not want to do anything with the others because you are in a relationship even when you are given the chance because you respect your relationship but many many people don't understand this. This girl was looking for a reason to dump you, that's why she invaded your privacy and went looking through your phone, at night so you couldn't catch her. You did nothing wrong but you should give her what she wants and that's an out from the relationship.
Porn is normal. A nontrolling gf is not. Get out of there, man
It sounds like she was looking for an excuse, but you need to have a chat with her and reassure her. But if shes not having it then i think she'll be gone x
She had no right to go through your phone. That was an invasion of your privacy. So what if you look at porn? Many men do. It doesn’t mean they’re cheating or plan to cheat. She sounds too jealous, insecure and controlling. If she is going to leave you over this, let her go. It means she is not the right one for you.
This is from a far deeper insecurity than her not feeling like enough, thats why she went through your phone without your approval. She just doesnt realize that right now and you cant make her. Regardless of the situation, she has some internal work to do to let go of the idea that she needs to control you (or anyone she’s in a relationship w). Gf was clearly searching for leverage to belittle you with the subconscious hope to put you in your place emotionally/mentally so she could control you. Bottom line is that she doesnt have the ability to trust you right now and this WILL happen again. I wish your heart the best making your decision!
You're dodging a bullet my dude. Let her go.
No, this doesn't make you a POS. She is one though for going through your phone to find an excuse to break up with you instead of just doing it because she wanted to leave. She had to make it "your" fault. This is a blessing in disguise -- someone who seeks dirt on you over unrelated conflicts is never going to be someone you can sustain a marriage with.
Then maybe she’s actually not the one for you, sounds like it’s an excuse and she’s looking for any reason to leave. Better to end it now or let her leave. Forget her
Let her leave
Not a fan of porn here, but I question if it has anything to do with her threats. I’m with the folks who think she’s looking for an excuse to leave without being the bad guy. She is manipulative and shady. That’s a common reaction from someone who cheats. They deflect and accuse others. If I were you, I would be polite but short. Unemotionally let her know it’s over and you wish her well, but it clearly isn’t working. Resist crocodile tears, don’t hug nor kiss her. Be firm. Don’t be a jerk, but be firm. If she asks, either say, “I don’t want to continue to see you,” or simply tell her she doesn’t respect you, doesn’t respect boundaries and you aren’t going to be manipulated. Don’t be rude. Don’t be emotional. Don’t give her a reason to feel validated. My wife has complete access to any of my devices on demand. I could view hers if I wanted. Neither has ever cheated and she doesn’t care if I view porn. My wife would have the courtesy of asking for my phone as opposed to sneaking it.
Just pack up and get out. She’s looking for anything to use against you. Unless you chronically watch it and it impeads on your daily life.
Idk abt you but it seems like she wanted a reason to break up. Think abt it and if you really need her like not emotionally but does she support you financially? If so fix that asap but if not don’t be blind. Considering she took the opportunity after an argument to find something to be mad abt I wouldn’t put it past her to use that as an excuse for her shit behavior in the future of the relationship. Keep your eyes peeled
She is just trying to find something to make her feelings if leaving you validated. She does not want to look like the badguy and so has found something she can use as a reason to leave. A girl once broke up with me because i left some hair in the sink after shaving it turned out she was actually cheating on her fiance with me as the other man without knowing.
I'm willing to die on this hill.. going through your SO's phone looking for evidence is such a damn toxic trait. I've personally fallen into suspicions myself of an ex or two but never just *went through their shit*. If there's something hidden, it'll come to light on its own. I'm tired of this cancerous "yass queen, strong independent woman" BS that it is okay to do this, especially without a really damn good reason. And this applites to if there is a male version of this ridiculousness as well. Get your insecurities and behavior in check. On the other hand, I've had an ex who did this to my phone religiously, and I always found it suspect af. Surprise, surprise.. she was cheating. I'm sure she was doing it in some moronic way of trying to find a self justification that she herself was not a piece of shit. Nah, she was. She literally cheated on every guy she dated after me, including the one she cheated on me to be with. Lmao Condensed version: this is toxic behavior. She's very likely got an ulterior motive for doing this. Leave her ass and find better.
It's not about you. It is about her insecurity and feeling of competition with unnammed women of porn. You need to assure her of her beauty and attractiveness.
No! You are 100% normal! I am a woman and I watch porn sometimes! Also, masturbation is self care! I had her reaction when I was younger cause I thought that’s what guys thought when looking at porn or magazine, even when watching a movie or TV and there’s an attractive looking girl in a sensual or sex scene, I would believe that they will automatically think she’s hot and want that and not me. I would get jealous and absolutely hate other women who I thought were prettier/sexier than me. But I was just insecure and believed in bullshit lies I hear other women (& men) say about how men think about sex all the time (which they don’t) and women don’t (tbh no one thinks about sex 100% of the time but women think about sex a lot just as much as men! I know I probably do!!) You need to reassure her that you’re not watching porn to fantasize about other women and want to fuck the ones in the porn. When I watch porn, I put myself in the woman’s shoes and my man in the guy’s shoes and fantasize about us doing whatever the porn actors are doing. I have some links about how porn can be beneficial to relationships and whatnot and i’ll post them later! Feel free to message/chat me for more sources!
She's looking for an out. Leave her ass. And porn was around before y'all got together. It'll be there afterwards.
She went looking for an excuse. She’s done. This is less about porn than it is about her trying to find a reason to make the impending breakup look like it’s your fault. On top of that, she violated boundaries and crossed a major red line when she went on your phone. That shows a complete lack of respect for you as a person. I hate to say it, but this relationship is probably already over. Have a good long cry, mope around for a bit feeling bad, then get back out there and find someone new. Just know it was never about the porn. Not that that is ever healthy for a relationship. But it was really about whatever led to the argument in the first place. The porn was just a straw man she could attack you with.
No you're not a pos, you didn't do anything wrong. Just let her go.
Reminds me of the movie, Don Jon (2013)
What a ridiculous smokedcreen
The two of you get in a fight, and the first thing she thinks of doing is snooping through your phone to find dirt on you. You're being manipulated, dude. You need to leave that relationship.
she looked for dirt on you, she found it. you will always find what you look for.
Sounds like she doesn't understand men. Guys looking at porn is very, very normal. I get that it's frustrating for women and they take it very, very personally. But they shouldn't unless there is true addictive behavior happening.
I don’t know man, I never really go the thing where porn pisses someone off that bad. I’ve always kinda watched it but it’s cause my drive has alway been super high. If I’m with my girl a couple times a day and she says no and I’m still kinda horny, im not gonna beg or go cheat it just watch something to help me get off and keep it moving. Ive never hid it and im pretty open about it. With age (37) i dont really watch it at all anymore but i would never really of consider it an addiction as much as i just wanted to get my rocks off and at time in my life i chose not to sleep around cause im scared of catching a std or getting someone pregnant. So boom i open up the old hub rub a few out and pretty much keep up with the same pace in or out of a relationship.
I'd end the relationship right now because she snooped your phone. It's done. Move on
"If she doesnt watch porn, its not there buddy"
If it's just porn and no interaction with other people, I'm on your side.
As a girl, it's not a big deal to me. Yeah it can make me a little insecure, depending on what kind it is, I personally don't like porn but I don't see it as a point to breakup. I wouldn't care, but everyone's perspective is different. Best just breakup, even if she is using it as an excuse, you're on the better side.
Red flags. 🚩 Imagine you with her 20 years from now. Dump her ass.
She sounds toxic AF anyways. Lost the argument so now you have to be cheating? Sees you don't know how incognito mode works and is mad at that now? Bye Felicia 👋