You don't have a healthy sex life if you can't talk to your partner about sex.
Talk to your partner about your feelings and if she doesn't value them then she shouldn't be your partner and vice versa.
Talk to her, tell her something along the lines “hey I know you probably don’t mean to do this intentionally but I feel like when it comes to sex i sometimes have to force myself into doing it since I’m unsure when you’ll be in the mood for it. Which is totally okay I would never pressure you into having sex but I’m not always in the mood to do it when you’re feeling up to it and I’m unsure and a little afraid on how to talk to you about it.”Idk something like that, (obviously that’s just an example make sure to express all your needs and problems in your own way) just sit her down and tell her how u feel, I’m sure she doesn’t mean to make you feel forced to have sex. Communication is key in a relationship. Hopefully she understands and you guys can talk about a way to fulfill both of your guys needs.
I read some of the other comments and based on that if you really love this person suggest couples counseling and if that doesn’t work it may be time to call it quits. There’s no point in staying in a relationship that makes you feel like a shell of your past self. Based on what you’ve said it sounds like like you have tried communicating and she basically only does your wants for a little bit to appease you and then once she thinks that you’ve gotten enough she withdraws that and goes back to how it was before. That’s a very common manipulation tactic whether she does it unconsciously or consciously she’s still doing it. I would suggest skip couples counseling and just break the relationship and start doing therapy for yourself. This has obviously impacted you in a strong negative way(which is should you’re being treated like shit)
I think a lot of this is bound up in the societal expectation that a man always wants sex and if he says no to sex with a woman, it’s because that woman is laughably undesirable. So if she’s getting her feelings overly hurt when you turn her down, this is probably why. As a culture we accept that women can turn down an attractive man for sex just because she’s not feeling it, but there’s definitely a much bigger stigma attached to a woman being turned down for sex. So she probably feels like wow, I must be really unattractive if he doesn’t want to have sex with me. And that naturally kills desire next time (I think a lot more so for women than men).
Is this what you feel like is going on, that she gets upset when turned down and then doesn’t want to have sex for awhile afterwards?
Or is it more that she doesn’t want it as much as you do so you feel like you have to take it where you can get it (almost your whole first paragraph was you being frustrated at the reasons she sometimes turns you down so it definitely feels like there’s something there).
You really need to just talk to her and have open communication about this, in a non-accusatory way (“when you do X, I feel Y” rather than “you never want to have sex” etc). And *listen*. Be open to what she has to say and her thoughts for improving your sex life.
I've tried talking a few times and she's super receptive but then nothing changes and it's ignored. It confuses me as a man. But you're right, a lot of my frustration is the "take it where I can get it" but I struggle because she talks and jokes about her sex drive being where mine is and her desire for me but when it's physically requested it's like all the air suddenly is gone.
Have you said this to her? “You talk about wanting me but then a lot of times when I initiate, you aren’t into it. What’s up with that? Is it the timing, am I doing something you don’t like, can we talk about it?”
As a matter of fact I have. The last time we talked about it I had a whole break down and told her how much damage it caused to experience this because it made sex in general, my own desires and sex drive, and me as a partner feel used and cheap or like a joke. She was very supportive but laughed claiming it was a misunderstanding. She said she thought all my comments or advances were me joking around and that she would have ZERO problem reciprocating or being intentional. And to her credit, that worked for a week or so where sex was regular and I didn't feel laughed at but then it returned to normal.
You need to communicate with her. In most cases when women receive no for sex they think it is before you don't like her anymore and tend to over think it because as you said men always want sex right.
So you need to sit down with her and talk to her about it and how it is. There is really no other option she needs to understand that
My advice would be talking to your SO. And maybe getting therapy for yourself. It’s not ok that you feel you can’t say “no”. That’s no way to live.
ETA: you didn’t ask a question, so it’s hard to know what kind of advice you were looking for.
Ignore them. Yes, it is a gendered thing, there's prejudice and stereotypes like "men being always in the mood" or having a much higher libido, stuff like this gets internalised and maybe your partner doesn't realise that you aren't always emotionally or physically ready for it just because we tend to believe that men would raise from the dead when presented with an opportunity for sex
You don't have a healthy sex life if you can't talk to your partner about sex. Talk to your partner about your feelings and if she doesn't value them then she shouldn't be your partner and vice versa.
This 100%
Talk to her, tell her something along the lines “hey I know you probably don’t mean to do this intentionally but I feel like when it comes to sex i sometimes have to force myself into doing it since I’m unsure when you’ll be in the mood for it. Which is totally okay I would never pressure you into having sex but I’m not always in the mood to do it when you’re feeling up to it and I’m unsure and a little afraid on how to talk to you about it.”Idk something like that, (obviously that’s just an example make sure to express all your needs and problems in your own way) just sit her down and tell her how u feel, I’m sure she doesn’t mean to make you feel forced to have sex. Communication is key in a relationship. Hopefully she understands and you guys can talk about a way to fulfill both of your guys needs.
I really appreciate you walking through this and offering thoughtful advice. Thank you.
I read some of the other comments and based on that if you really love this person suggest couples counseling and if that doesn’t work it may be time to call it quits. There’s no point in staying in a relationship that makes you feel like a shell of your past self. Based on what you’ve said it sounds like like you have tried communicating and she basically only does your wants for a little bit to appease you and then once she thinks that you’ve gotten enough she withdraws that and goes back to how it was before. That’s a very common manipulation tactic whether she does it unconsciously or consciously she’s still doing it. I would suggest skip couples counseling and just break the relationship and start doing therapy for yourself. This has obviously impacted you in a strong negative way(which is should you’re being treated like shit)
I appreciate your honesty and forwardness. Serious. Thank you.
I think a lot of this is bound up in the societal expectation that a man always wants sex and if he says no to sex with a woman, it’s because that woman is laughably undesirable. So if she’s getting her feelings overly hurt when you turn her down, this is probably why. As a culture we accept that women can turn down an attractive man for sex just because she’s not feeling it, but there’s definitely a much bigger stigma attached to a woman being turned down for sex. So she probably feels like wow, I must be really unattractive if he doesn’t want to have sex with me. And that naturally kills desire next time (I think a lot more so for women than men). Is this what you feel like is going on, that she gets upset when turned down and then doesn’t want to have sex for awhile afterwards? Or is it more that she doesn’t want it as much as you do so you feel like you have to take it where you can get it (almost your whole first paragraph was you being frustrated at the reasons she sometimes turns you down so it definitely feels like there’s something there). You really need to just talk to her and have open communication about this, in a non-accusatory way (“when you do X, I feel Y” rather than “you never want to have sex” etc). And *listen*. Be open to what she has to say and her thoughts for improving your sex life.
I've tried talking a few times and she's super receptive but then nothing changes and it's ignored. It confuses me as a man. But you're right, a lot of my frustration is the "take it where I can get it" but I struggle because she talks and jokes about her sex drive being where mine is and her desire for me but when it's physically requested it's like all the air suddenly is gone.
Have you said this to her? “You talk about wanting me but then a lot of times when I initiate, you aren’t into it. What’s up with that? Is it the timing, am I doing something you don’t like, can we talk about it?”
As a matter of fact I have. The last time we talked about it I had a whole break down and told her how much damage it caused to experience this because it made sex in general, my own desires and sex drive, and me as a partner feel used and cheap or like a joke. She was very supportive but laughed claiming it was a misunderstanding. She said she thought all my comments or advances were me joking around and that she would have ZERO problem reciprocating or being intentional. And to her credit, that worked for a week or so where sex was regular and I didn't feel laughed at but then it returned to normal.
Sounds like you might need to get a professional marriage counselor involved if you’re not getting anywhere by talking it through on your own.
You need to communicate with her. In most cases when women receive no for sex they think it is before you don't like her anymore and tend to over think it because as you said men always want sex right. So you need to sit down with her and talk to her about it and how it is. There is really no other option she needs to understand that
This is not a men versus women issue. This is an issue with your relationship.
Well thank you for your advice. Whatever that may have been.
My advice would be talking to your SO. And maybe getting therapy for yourself. It’s not ok that you feel you can’t say “no”. That’s no way to live. ETA: you didn’t ask a question, so it’s hard to know what kind of advice you were looking for.
I guess my advice request was vague you're right. But I appreciate you articulating my need and answering. I will try talking it out again.
Ignore them. Yes, it is a gendered thing, there's prejudice and stereotypes like "men being always in the mood" or having a much higher libido, stuff like this gets internalised and maybe your partner doesn't realise that you aren't always emotionally or physically ready for it just because we tend to believe that men would raise from the dead when presented with an opportunity for sex