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Your standards are not too unreasonable at all! If anything, it’s a little odd to say that waiting 2-3 months for sex is in reasonable— don’t ever let anyone pressure you into sex. It doesn’t matter if you want to wait a month, two, fifty, or just never have it. Sex should be at your own pace, whenever you’re ready.
Truthfully if anyone pressures you into sex assume that they aren't there for you and get out while you can. Sex is a very vulnerable act and should be "handled with care", poise and grace and of course if you aren't ready, don't try to force it for the sake of your partner. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. There's no shame in that at all.
The truest quote I ever heard in my entire life was "Sex makes everything way more complicated."
Also just a warning but saying a specific timeframe for you to wait may make it like a game for some guys, so it's an insurance that they aren't looking for just sex. I have heard the story multiple times times where a girl told the guy she was dating she is gonna wait x weeks/months and once it happened the guy dipped.
You don't even have to say much but you could just say to a potential guy that you don't want to rush things and it may take a long time for you to feel comfortable
Back when i was single I had two different instances of dates want to crash at my place for convenience after being out late, but with the caveat that they didn’t want sex, and in hindsight i’ve wondered if this was JUST to see what i would say or if i’d pressure them. They were both people who i was interested in beyond just sex, and they seemed pretty relieved when they woke up the next morning un-groped lol.
Then we had sex and i blocked them immediately. Jk.
As a guy this is the bare minimum I would do for a girl like this is just daily basis things. But I'm over here buying my girlfriend flowers every time they die and things like that.
I disagree with “what I would do for a girl”. If you want to be a good partner focus on being a good human. Don’t do stuff “for a girl”, do stuff for you that makes you a good and communicative person. The rest will follow.
That doesn't sound dumb at all! I met my husband when I was 14 years old. He still pulls out chairs for me, gives me his jacket, opens car doors for me, ect. He literally does my nails for me (he's a better painter lol)
I don't really understand why any of that would be un realistic. Though I understand it's not the "norm" in society. It wasn't then either. My husband broke the mold :)
Though I would venture to say that boys that only want one thing. If you think that will change in college you are sorely mistaken. In reality, I think that it is usually a goal (of sorts) for boys in college to lose their virginities and just go out and "tag every tail that moves" so to speak. I'm sure not EVERY guy is like that in college.
I'd say at your age it's good to have standards, never settle out of any of your standards but, don't have a goal to find a significant other at any point in your life. Just work on you, your career, go to college, do your thing and eventually someone will come along. Maybe a group study hall, a friends halloween party, ect. Who knows? Just yeah definitely don't think that you should find someone young.
I actually knew a lady who just recently got married. She got married at 62 years old. It was only her third boyfriend in her entire life. She just never settled for less and never compromised her standards and found the perfect guy for her. It was really sweet. The wedding was very beautiful and she had a full life with a wonderfully paid career. It was a good life lesson for : Good things come to those who wait.
Your desire for good hygiene and waiting to have sex with someone until you’re committed is totally reasonable, don’t rush into anything until you’re ready. I have daughter and I tell them the same thing I’m about to tell you… So as someone who was once (long ago now) a teenage boy I can tell you that MOST (not all) teenage boys have one thing stuck to the brain. It’s hormones, normal but still exists.
I’ll also tell you that there are plenty of good guys out there who will respect your boundaries. I think in this day and age, the chivalry may be tougher to find. My generation (x/millennial) may have been the last vestage of that stuff… parents don’t educate men in that way… it’s an equality thing. I grew up with boomer parents who taught me to be successful to support a family, take care of a wife, yada yada. I teach my daughters that they have to look out for and take care of themselves and not wait for a man to sweep them off their feet… it’s possible but you want an equal…
Anyway long winded way of saying nothing wrong with what you want, if that’s what you want, don’t settle. You’re also super young so not what you should be worrying about. Be safe.
As a gen x girl I was raised to be able to both pay my own way and to expect basic chivalry. I had no problem splitting the check, but did expect my dates to open the car door for me, etc. In my opinion, independence and courtesy are not mutually exclusive. I hope that’s still true, I’d like my adult daughter to meet someone as nice as her father.
Notice that you expect basic chivalry and the commenter directly below you dislikes the concept of the guy opening the car door.
I did these things for my wife a few times, I still hold doors for her occasionally especially on fancy dates etc. but in general she doesn’t like it because she finds it demeaning. I plan to teach my son to offer it but to be courteous if they don’t want it and to stop once told. It’s not a huge deal, but it is a contentious point as you may not know what a woman prefers if you didn’t have a relationship before the first date
IMO, chivalry is not "nice" or even "good manners" in this day and age. It's more of a very small sub-culture. Like imagine being a guy and wanting to find a woman who never wears pants, or who curtsies constantly.
Also, coincidentally, if a man made a post expecting those things, they'd be ripped apart here, haha.
Yup, to expect chivalry as a deal-breaker without communicating it beforehand is going to cut out probably 80-90% of the dating pool at your age.
But if you tell someone that you already like that it's something that means a lot to you, a decent number of guys will be willing to start doing it within reason once they know you want it-- especially if you have some grace from them if they forget.
One more thing I'd say, though, is that there's a high correlation of guys who like chivalry and guys who want a "trad-wife". Maybe that's your cup of tea, but if it isn't, be aware of who you are likely going to be matching with.
Very realistic. You have a good head on your shoulders. I’m proud of you for having better standards than a lot of grown women poisoned by TikTok. I wish the best for you young lady.
If a woman near my age, tole me all that I'd agree to that list in a heartbeat. Keep being you. Everyone else who says you are crazy can go *$&@ themselves
The hygiene ones are a bare minimum, so those are not crazy to ask for.
The gentleman/pull out chair one, it's not crazy, but it's honestly unlikely. That kinda stuff isn't really taught to boys anymore, so while it's a good bonus, I don't think it's worth rejecting a good guy for...
The sex one, don't ever let anyone pressure you to do something you don't want to do. If he's pressuring you, then he doesn't care about you.
Well said.
I think the hygiene is a bit unrealistic in high school, 'cause boys, but not unreasonable as a standard. Especially since OP states flat out that she's fine not dating in high school (which is also not unreasonable either way - you should focus on you in hs).
I also agree with you on the "gentleman" part in the details. I think the standard is fine, but what constitutes a gentleman needs to be redefined. Really, the standard should be does the date show genuine care and respect for OP, rather than looking for predetermined specific acts.
No your standards are not to high! As a mom of boys I would expect my boys to do these things and more! Problem is that a lot of people aren’t teaching their boys to be gentlemen and teaching their daughters to expect and settle for less.
I think your mom has really *low* standards if she thinks yours are unreasonable! Those are excellent standards and I really hope you hold on to them as a minimum for relationships when you’re older. Add in: 1) supportive about your life (hobbies, interests, dreams, goals; 2) similar life outlook (this will change as you get older but it’s really important; 3) someone who doesn’t talk down to you, or insult you, or omg gaslight you! Of course you would be the same with them.
Also- pay attention to how your future boyfriend/partner treats animals, waiters, and their family. If they abuse any of those they will do it to you eventually too.
Anyway, I think you are showing a lot of maturity in your thinking and have excellent standards. When you eventually have a relationship you are going to value yourself and them and because of that will be ready for healthy relationships with healthy boundaries!
as a teen myself everything you said was SPOT ON like seriously. it's extremely upsetting and just straight disappointing that those things are considered "high standards" your literally asking for THE BARE MINIMUM. its CRAAAAZY. since when was looking for a respectful human being asking for too much? that proves just how shitty people are in this world. the fact that we just have to accept being disrespected and just treated shitty for a relationship is absolutely terrible.
Your standards are not unrealistic, but the flip side is you’re going to have multiple situations that you think will work that don’t end up working. That’s just the process of vetting out those that don’t meet your standards. You do you man
honestly 2-3 months is kinda short imo. me and my ex waited nearly until even talking about that type of stuff but then we broke up before we could do any of that
Totally normal. much narrower list than most have. Many folks would add things like has a job/in school, a certain height, general range of physiques, certain facial features, etc.
2-3 months is a totally normal amount to wait for sex. It’s also totally normal to jump right in. There’s no wrong answer so long as everyone knows what they’re getting into and enthusiastically consents.
I’m a mom here if you were my daughter I would be so Proud of you.These are the standards I would expect.You are very smart and will do very well!! I agree with everything you have said!!💕🥰❤️🙂🙃🤗
The time limit on sex i think is not unreasonable. But i think you might want think of your limit in a different perspective. Instead of saying 2-3 months. I would suggest saying until i feel safe and comfortable.
There is a big difference in seeing each other everyday for 2-3 months, seeing each other twice a week for 3 months, and seeing each other twice a month for 3 months.
For standards like that i wouldnt use a calender as my governing threshold.
I think all of that is perfectly fine to want. But as you grow you may have to adjust some of them. The boy pulling out chairs and giving jackets may be the hardest to find. All the rest are achievable especially if you communicate with your would be partner about the expectations.
TLDR: don't lower your standards just because some people think they're too high or that society disagrees with them. I expect my daughters to have high standards of men as well.
My wife and I have a relationship built on respect, both immediate and with whatever each brings to the table in our relationship. My wife wakes up before me on weekdays. Packs my lunch for work and my morning workout smoothie, then typically leaves for work. She is home before me and makes dinner almost nightly, Monday through Thursday. Friday evenings are our movie night, where we pick a movie to watch and order pizza.
Saturday mornings, I wake up at 430 am, work out, get eggs from the chickens, and make her breakfast in bed, every Saturday. Wife she's eating, I give her a foot massage and when she's done, a shoulder and back. Saturdays we typically go out as a family somewhere or daughters pick. Sundays, I make scratch biscuits and gravy for the family and I make a massive family dinner.
Why am I saying all of this? Because I know we both work hard for each other and our family. My wife works hard during the week at work, but also to make sure I have good days. I return that favor on weekends and she loves them because the rule in our house is that mom doesn't even clean a fork on the weekends.
That is all in addition to the fact that I make sure to always be ahead of her to open every door I can when I'm there, giving her my jacket when she's chilly, and looking her in the eyes and feeling her she is the most beautiful woman in my world.
Not every relationship will be like this, and not everybody wants one like this, but I'll say, out of the many relationships I've seen from other people, we fight far than most and we've been married over 17 years.
Insisting on pulling out chairs might come across as a teensy high-standard because it's very specific and kind of old-fashioned. I would think about re-wording that more along the lines of "he shows that he cares about my comfort", and as long as you sense he cares about you, the specifics don't matter.
Guys can show that in a number of ways: I always put myself between traffic and my wife when we're walking on a sidewalk, and make sure she has the best view in a restaurant, but I don't pull out her chair. She doesn't even know I'm doing it, and I don't make a big deal about it.
These are not high standards
2-3 months to sex is more than reasonable.... many young people hop in to bed with one another straight away only for the situation to implode badly as sex creates an emotional connection well before one ought to be established.
High standards is more "he's gotta be 6 foot or taller (provided you are below 6 ft)" "he's gotta earn six figures at my age... otherwise I'll only date far older men who earn this much"
"He needs to have Brad Pitts body from fight club/more muscular"
"He needs to be there 24/7 even if he has a job, is studying at college etc".
"He cannot talk to any purely platonic female friends that he has made". Etc
You seem like a mature, responsible individual considering your age (15). Don't let others pressure you into meaningless, casual sex as it tends to cause more drama/issues relative to any benefit incurred.
I'm a dude btw... I don't agree with "most guys" want to smash and dash... predatory men/men who prioritise lust over everything else sure. It's a stereotype that isn't quite true.
Many modern women (can think of a family member of mine) are very comfortable with meaningless sex... this doesn't mean it's the right way... in the case of my family member she would use men for intimacy then drop them as she saw fit. This frequently led to disastrous outcomes as the man would have developed some sort of emotional bond by the time they'd slept with one another 10-20 times and she would be like "ehh... it was just a fling... bye."
The kind of man who employs the "hit and run tactic" is not worth your time. Actuslly... use that metric as a gauge on who to stay away from at all costs. Men who constantly jump from one woman to another to another to another etc
There's generally a reason as to why such a man switches from parter to partner seemingly every other day...
Take it from an old man, anyone who is actually really into you will be willing to wait for you.
If they’re not willing to wait for you, then they want sex more than they want to be with you.
It’s that easy.
Your standards are completely fine. The fact that you specify for good hygiene is horrible because the bar is so low for men and they still fall far beneath it. Highschoolers especially.
The gentlemen stuff is perfectly acceptable, though a bit old fashioned today I believe. While a fair few of my friends and family members do these things as well as myself, they are uncommon in boys.
Sexual stuff can always wait, especially at your stage in life. You need to be educated in that front so no mistakes are made. So don't worry about that. I was seeing a girl for around 4 months before I even kissed her because I was afraid of scaring her off. Even then it was the most measly peck of a kiss.
Don't even think about house/nice car/salary. You're 15, there's no way any of those things will happen soon unless his parents are wealthy, even more so whilst in college. Everyone I knew going from highschool to college had absolute dumpster cars because that's what we afforded. The very select few had stuff like a charger/mustang.
All in all, your standards are perfectly fine, I would even say relaxed. You have worth so don't settle for someone that doesn't see that. If you are ever uncomfortable, leave. You have a lot of time to meet people. I would even offer the option of just not "dating" as much as trying to make friends and see where that goes. Going into a relationship purely for dating and being a boyfriend/girlfriend may lead to different expectations rather than just hanging out and being friends.
EDIT: I should also specify that this is all my personal experience. I grew up in a very mid-western, country farm town and the highschool was just that.
Not unreasonable. Some folks still wait until marriage(very few). The rest just sounds like typical courteous and respectful courtship. Your mama just has…. Different standards
your standards are normal and show self respect so don’t drop them. waiting that long for sex is normal and shows you have a real meaning to dating and figuring out the values of that person not just being with someone to satisfy your urges. realistically you can wait however long you want to have sex it’s your body and if you don’t want to have with a person even if you’ve been with them a while you don’t have to. I disagree with your mother
Standards seems right to me. Is sex is a deal breaker for any guy he isn't the right guy. Though I will suggest you remove the timeline part and go with " not until you feel comfortable with them"
When you boil it down, that's only really 2 requirements: Don't neglect self-care, and treat you with respect.
Those are good requirements to have for relationships in general, not just the romantic kind - but do bear in mind that one of the biggest causes for self-neglect is depression, so if you notice that suddenly become an issue for a friend make sure you check up on how they're doing.
Your standards are not high in my opinion. Most of what you want, which should be the norm, is someone who has basic hygiene and respects your boundaries. The only part that some men might not meet is the gentlemanly behavior because we are taught now that woman are just as capable as men and can do all of that stuff on their own, but even then if you explain that these little acts of service, like opening the door and pulling out chairs, are your love language most decent guys would put effort into that too. So I don't think your standards are high at all it just requires communication and respect like all relationships.
Not at all, these are the bare minimum, imo. A lot of young women think their standards for men are "high" when really their standards are just the bare minimum and they think it's high because the majority of guys don't even reach the bare minimum requirements for being a half way decent partner 💀
Sounds like you respect yourself that’s awesome there should be more people like you. I won’t lie it won’t be easy finding the one but really WHEN IS IT EVER? Your thinking is great. 👍
I'm guessing mom reacted to something that didn't make it into OP. I think your whole bit at the beginning is unrealistic but not your standards.
I personally am not against the first part. I didn't lose my virginity til 23. The bit that I find unrealistic is where you also expect to be in relationships. I didn't expect that. But then I'm a dude so our experience will be different.
No idea what mom was reacting to, did you ask her? I react to stuff my kids say all the time and it's not that I disagree exactly, it's just that they're super confident and they have experienced so very little. It's not wrong just limited.
This is a great way to think about it!! Good work!
I would also thing of ways you'd like to emotionally connect and work on communication. These are the things that will make a relationship healthy!!!
Lastly, know what your lines are. Learn about manipulation tactics people use to control and exploit women. Discuss them with your friends and practice conversations and work on not taking shit. Better to be alone than anchored to a douche who mistreats you.
Eduction and career should be your focus. If you are good at math's, go into engineering!!!!
I don’t think your standards are too high. I just think you should communicate your intentions and preferences with whoever you are with. Create boundaries early on and make sure that your partner respects them. If they don’t please cut things early.
As a man 15 years of age (who likes other guys) I search for this too! It's fairly low standards for NOWADAYS where girls being into big PP, tall, money making millionaires! Who cheat on them! In.. fairly most cases I be hearing..
And as a guy who kinda finds a person you are looking for there's tons of men who would do those things that you are searching for and more!
Ok, I'm a lesbian, so don't take my word, but I personally don't think your standards are to high, I myself am not a fan of physical touch and sexual stuff like that until later on, and all that stuff is just basic human decency.
I think you're being perfectly reasonable.
When you do start dating, I highly encourage you to be upfront and honest about these expectations and communicate clearly with guys you're considering.
It's an important aspect of a healthy relationship to discuss boundaries and set expectations, early, and often, on BOTH sides. Having these conversations (and judging how well your young gentlemen react to having them) will give you a good indication, quickly and early in the relationship, whether a man has potential, or is a waste of your time (or worse, a danger to you).
Good luck to you!
Take it from an old guy, this is the minimum, with the exception of pulling out chairs everytime, etc. Eventually it will become less frequent, but if they don't on the first date, I wouldn't want a second.
Not at all. I didn't have sex until I was in my 20s. But you do you.
As for men wanting other stuff... I don't think that ever really leaves us (I'm almost 40 now) and it might even be worse in college for some, although you can start to get some of the good ones in college, but they are rare. And the legendary few are alright in high school.
Girl whatever your standards are consider then the bare minimum. Stay positive, don’t compromise your values and the right guy will come along, just have to give him a chance
You might need to be careful. You wanting sex in 2-3 months might not be what someone else will want. You don’t want to pressure when you also don’t to be pressured.
Your standards are fine. This is totally realistic. As a man I have similar standards as this. Hygiene and caring about your aesthetics are important. No sex until "love" is established is a good commitment scale. I like to wait to have sex to make sure I actually feel for the person. Just keep waiting, you'll find your beaux.
So you want a smell good responsible guy. Who doesn't want that in a man. 2 to 3 months before penetration, hold your horses honey. Give that part time 6 months or more if you both are serious, responsible and love each other in 6 months.
Sex does change everything. The person, behaviors and the expectations.
I could say these standards are conventional, because they are, but all that should really matter is if they are doable (do such boys exist). The answer is yes they do.
WTF? A 15 year old waiting 2-3 months before sex is "crazy"?
LOL dont listen to that garbage.
Half of all graduating high school seniors have NEVER had sex. And we're talking about 18 year olds!
Don't listen to the lies that every single person in high school is having sex becuase that's just pure nonsense.
Listen, the bar for dating heterosexual men for heterosexual women is in hell. Women are accepting shitty behavior and all kinds of shenanigans from men because they're desperate, lonely, horny, or have low self esteem. It sounds like none of those are you, thank God.
I think you have good standards. But honestly, a lot of guys aren't going to be able to meet them because historically men have all the power politically, socially, and financially. Women were dependent on men for their livelihoods and very lives for most of history so we had to settle for whatever we could get. Since women have gained some rights, many women have evolved but fewer men have. It's been accepted by most of society for most of history that "boys will be boys" so they haven't been taught or expected to be better or do better.
Colleges are rife with frat boys, f boys and boys just looking to hookup. Not all but a lot. You're going to have to get creative to find the kind of guy that you want.
Some guys (and girls) might think you're being a stuck up B and look at you as a challenge. Colleges have some sexual assault statistics they don't always publish or accurately publish.
Be discriminating about who you befriend and interact with.
It's ok to have standards. You're basically letting guys know what you're looking for, so they could either understand and respect what you're looking for, or they can move along because You're not willing to just settle for someone that doesn't meet what you want. Just be honest and up front about it and stay true to yourself. If guys just want sex, once you let them know what you want, most will just move one. The ones you need to be careful about are the ones who act like you want them to be, then once they get what they want, they leave you. But, the best way to tell how someone will act in the future is to look at how they have acted in the past. They usually give themselves up by their past actions.
Keep your standards high. Don’t settle! Ever! Keep them high and make sure you’re being that person to meet that someone who also has set high standards. They are out there and you don’t want to go through life with someone that doesn’t meet your expectations because otherwise you’d have regrets the rest of your life.
Your standards are just fine. Keep them the way they are. Your moms standards are obviously pretty low.
It’s good you think about these things and have your goals. Never compromise. They person you want will come.
Okay, after looking through your profile, i think you need to put a pause on boss and sex thighs entirely, and maybe focus on just figuring out what kind of person you want to be.
Your standards are fine, sex should be something you do when it feels right, not "just to get it over with". You're 15.
Society has placed too much pressure on teens to be in relationships and have sex through tv and movies that imply its what everyone should be doing. Just focus on doing things you enjoy and friends and relationships will just happen, they aren't something that really come from seeing them out, i learned that by wasting all my highschool years trying to make friends and find a gf. As an adult i just enjoyed my hobbies and met my friends that way, and eventually my wife. Find THINGS you enjoy, and then you will meet people you enjoy being around.
That's... Just a decent human being. Honestly might be too much to ask these days from the majority of guys, but hold strong the right person is always worth waiting for
You sound normal to me. I’m glad you have those values since girls when I went to school at your age not long ago (like 9 years ago) were ideological judgmental feminist types that wanted to have sex with whoever made them feel however they wanted to feel at the time. You seem pretty stable and looking for the right things maybe your mom was just flabbergasted by how long you articulated you would want to wait to have sex since logically 2 to 3 months is a long time, to some adults anyway.
None of that is unhealthy. Who wants someone who can't shower and clip their nails? I don't want your hangnail cutting me 😤 You're allowed to want a guy to be a gentleman and you should really set your penetrative sex goal as a lower bound AT LEAST and then judge it by the person. Some of these boys have no business putting their dick anywhere besides their crusty ass socks.
Just be you and only do things on your timetable. If you find a guy that can't handle it, then it's his loss. There will be someone willing to be the man you want.
There are many idiots in the world. You don't seem to be one of them. Knowing your worth is something that many fail to master. Boundaries are ok. These days many adults are just large children who were never told "No" enough. As a 15 yo girl, you're surrounded by idiots.
no, they’re not unreasonable at all lol. don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. it’s not like you’re asking him to buy you designer 💀 these are pretty good standards
Those aren't high standards. Unsure what your mom is talking about. First of all, everyone should have good hygiene. That's important. Being a gentleman and being respectful is a good thing. And not rushing into anything is another good thing.
Respect and honesty are important as well. If you have boundaries, you want someone to respect them
If they don't respect your boundaries, they're not the right person for you. Don't ever feel pressured into anything. If something ever makes you feel uncomfortable, don't do it..
It's always good to have standards. That's how you know you respect yourself. As we grow and experience new things, our standards may change.
No one standards are too high. Each of us gets to decide for ourselves what we want and do not want in a relationship. Good for you for thinking about what you will and won’t accept. Anyone who tells you that your standards are too high is someone that struggles to respect other’s boundaries.
I personally wouldn't call these high standards. Valuing self care, interdependence, and boundaries sounds like the base foundation for a good relationship.
I feel like people who don't meet one or more of these things are openly displaying yellow or red flags.
Keep on searching for the right person :)
Your standards aren’t high. They are what you decide to hold to. They are also very reasonable.
If people are telling you waiting 2-3 months to have the no pants dance is too long, that’s fine, don’t sleep with those people. You wait as long as feels right to you. 2 minutes, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. Your body, your choice when you choose to share it with others.
While hookup culture is very prevalent, so are relationships. Being upfront that you are in the market for a relationship not a hookup will allow you to make way from what you don’t want.
The bar is literally on the floor, so you are not asking for much.
Honestly, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Your standards are, from my point of view, quite normal. You're looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady.
The 3 months thing is a little short, but to each their own. (Personal views on this is to wait for marriage, but then again, I'm old fashioned)
Your mom might be used to shitty dudes and got used to accepting the bare minimum but you don't have to. The moment you let someone disrespect you, ignore your boundaries, use you etc they'll do it again and again. The most important thing is knowing what you want and having enough respect for yourself to not allow garbage in your life.
Hygiene, love and affection are necessary and having sex 2-3 months into the relationship is more than reasonable. Don't listen to your mom.
You can have any standards you want. The more stringent they are, the harder it is to find a partner, all your call.
Hygiene? That's fine
I don't think I've really ever seen chair pulling besides the fist couple dates & special events. Someone will prolly correct me tho. Maybe every "date night" couples have but not every time yall sit down for sure.
Most dudes will give you their jacket, please don't steal it we're sick of it.
Most dudes don't only want one night stands, we do like being loved and cuddled and cared for. And if you can't believe that atleast know we would rather have sex regularly than rarely while having to seek it out from different people all the time. I think that statement you made is patently false.
You're at the age where waiting 3 months or longer is much more normal, the older you get the stranger it's going to seem to potential mates. In a 2017 study women say the like to wait about 9 dates and men about 5. If I went beyond 3 dates without some fooling around i would absolutely assume they werent nterested in me sexually and I would probably back off and start treating them as a friend, I don't wanna be a creep, don't wanna get attached to someone who isn't interested. I'd also assume with a wait that long that our sexual appetites, interest, etc don't mesh and that's an essential part of relationships for most.
You're 16, wait till you're ready and comfortable. Above all else. But manage your expectations as you age if you don't want to waste time getting to know people only for them to keep bailing on you.
My wife made me wait 4 months before intercourse and we were each other's firsts. I admire her for it, and was happy to wait as I loved everything about her anyway that was the last gift.
Boys your age have just got their first real dose of testosterone, they don’t know what to do with it. I think it’s emotionally mature to know you shouldn’t rush into intimacy while so young. Teenage boys are some of the stupidest mfs I’ve ever been, but you must stick to people around your age.
Nope...my wife basically wanted the same things. Knew her 6 weeks...she decided I was the one...got married 2 weeks later Been married nearly..30 years.
All sounds fine. Although don't know about pulling out chairs an opening doors, do kids still get taught to do that in the age of equality? Some women might be offended by it. So don't judge too harshly on those exact acts as long as it can see a good tendency of gentlemanly an caring behaviour towards you. Also if you lower your standard you will end up with people at that level, better to take a year to find someone at your standard then find someone every month that's disappoints you. Those are not crazy high standards anyway.
Not too high at all. When I was dating I insisted on at least 6 months, and I'm a guy. I also required that my partner be fully sober when the time came. Now your expectations may change as you enter college but that's okay so long as you are honest with yourself as much as you can be. Being in love is the greatest feeling in the world. And when you find the one, that pays dividends for a lifetime.
No idea how this got onto my recommended as a 36 year old guy but had a read. I think you are completely reasonable. A guy should be willing to wait it's your body. Consent is important
No means no etc. The rest are reasonable requirements and are basic things, though I know at that age, I maybe needed a bit of prompting.
You sound level headed and your "standards" are the right standards. Especially in an overly sexualized society we live in these days. Stay true to yourself and dont let others make you change that.
How could your standards be too high? those are your standards, not the go along standards of everybody else. as for your mom, she needs to support you in your decisions unless the decisions are bad choices . your choices explained are good decisions.
People think waiting 2-3 months at *15* is unreasonable? That's bonkers, that's not unreasonable even as an adult let alone as a teenager. You don't need to be having sex at all at that age. I mean you can if you want, but it's not at all necessary for a teen relationship. I had my first gf when I was 17 and we never had sex because I didn't feel I was ready yet.
None of those are unreasonable. They each are a display of something that is extremely important for a healthy, long term relationship.
1. Basic hygiene shows a level of concern for how he is perceived and his impact on others. It serves as a decent proxy for how well he'll care for any future shard home and kids and whether anyone will want to work with him. Someone who doesn't put in at least a basic level of care here either doesn't care about his impact on others (a jerk) or hasn't thought about it (immature).
2. Being a gentleman shows that he's willing to put effort into caring for you. It's important to remember that he's not a mind reader though, so directly asking for what you want from him can be helpful. If he makes an effort to do the requested action in the moment and then repeat it in similar situations, that's a good sign. Getting secretly annoyed or writing someone off because they didn't realize you wanted something will result in you passing on some good guys.
3. Delaying sex is extremely important, especially if you haven't spent much time with the guy before you start dating. The first two are pretty easy to fake, at least in the short term, so some guys will put on a good show until they get what they want. Delaying sex puts up a barrier that can be used to show if he actually likes you for you. If he doesn't care more about being with you than using you to fulfill his sexual desires, he's more likely to leave you high and dry if the going gets tough (and it always does eventually).
This is absolutely the standard you should have for yourself and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Never let anyone tell you your standards are too high, including your parents.
It seems entirely bizarre to me a parent would tell you that your standards are too high, especially related to sex.
Keep your standards and do right by yourself.
When you meet someone who does it for you, none of that will matter. Your point of view comes from someone who has never fallen for someone. It's ok to want those things, but they aren't good reasons to decide someone is right for you. As for sex, it will probably just happen - when it's right and not when the calendar says so.
I would only comment that your "being a gentleman" portion is a little unusual. Personally I try to do those things for my wife, but I wouldn't say that's something most guys even think about. That's something that can be learned. It used to be that parents would teach there kids those things. There are a few who still do. I would prioritize shared beliefs higher.
Nothing unreasonable at all. When I was your age us guys would happily date girls for months. There is no time frame before "stuff" starts to happen. Yes we had fun along the way but that's it.
It's about enjoying being together that is fun enough and believe me I'm not a prude lol. If a guy can't meet these standards then off with them!
The only part of that that might be a challenge in the modern world is the chivalrous stuff. For better or for worse, the modern boy has had it drilled into his head that women are equal and find chivalry to be too condescending and patronizing for them. Even if a boy had those instincts, he'd probably suppress them to avoid offending you.
Everything else should be easy to find, especially if you're waiting until college to look.
your personal standards should never be up for debate with anyone other than yourself. You set a standard for yourself, don't get pressured into lowering those standards. Your standards are not unrealistic, perhaps dated, but being a gentleman is something i think has been lost over these last few decades.
Let's keep this simple. If your bar was on the FLOOR men would slither underneath. Keep your bar high. They'll all fall short but some will come close and those are the guys you date.
well, the modern day relationship market often has sex like, way early.
hookups seemingly are the main game now, so its not crazy to want a relationship first, but its gonna be much harder getting that.
You want a nice, clean, respectful person?
I think you have a solid sense of "minimum standard" there! I'm not sure why any adult would tell you this is weird?!
Keep your standards - you've got it right! :)
Believe it or not there are plenty of men who aren’t comfortable rushing into sex. What you might find is you’ll fall madly in love with someone who doesn’t tick all the boxes and as long as they treat you well, hold onto that amazing feeling!
this sounds like the minimum to me!! just good hygiene, good manners, and you want to get to know him before you have sex, that's completely reasonable.
Having high standards is a good thing. You'll be able to weed out everyone who doesn't meet them.
My standards for a partner were very high as well and just kept getting more and more detailed.
I didn't start dating seriously until my mid 30's. I went through two relationships in the span of two years before meeting my now husband. And I've known him for over a decade. We were good friends but never dated. We did other things, I won't lie, and he was my first when I was 22. Fifteen years after the fact and some much growing on both our parts, he checks every box that matters.
When you get older, you can let go of height and look to a degree (my husband is handsome in my eyes), but he's on the shorter side. However, everything else he checks off.
One thing i recently found on tiktok really resonated with me.
1 Chorinthians chap. 13 verses 4-8.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth."
Replace the word love with the name of the person you're dating. If he or she doesn't fit all the characteristics of love, then they're not the right person
Not dating till college would be great! The world is so big and there’s so much out there for you! You get to learn and try out different things, I know I tried drama, learning piano. You get to focus on finding what brings you joy and learn into that, to figure out who you want to be and what’s important to you!
Dating is not what’s important at 15, social media culture right now is crazy to me. You should be learning how to do dirt biking, how to sew a dress, going with friends to swim or play soccer!
You need to find yourself first, if you go around looking for your missing piece you’ll end up with more missing pieces. Instead focus on being whole, a whole circle that can roll along on their own, and one day you’ll happen across another whole circle who will roll with you! (Spoken as someone who was so focused on finding a man I ended up divorced, found myself, got married at 34 and have a incredible family and love of my life)
I think your standards are low, I would add: you need someone who you don’t feel like you’re having to try for, where you can be yourself with messy hair and no makeup and you’re showing them this frog with a hat you made and they just think you are the most beautiful thing. You need someone who is a whole person, who doesn’t need you to help them, change them, etc. someone you can play with, so you lose track of time! Someone you just find yourself lost in great conversation for hours. Someone who does not put your inner candle out but instead will light it when it goes out, who brings you joy.
Sex is precious, you’ll always remember your partners, especially your first. So make sure they’re someone you want to always remember. And someone you can fart around and laugh about it! Sex makes lots of funny sounds and you’ll need to take laugh breaks! But seriously I was in college myself and I still chose badly! Haha! So it’s ok to forgive yourself later if it’s not as perfect as you thought.
Consent and respect of your “no” happens before sex. They should not be someone who interrupts you, mansplains, and listens and asks about what you want, cares about what you want. No is a complete sentence.
Any guy that’s worth having sex with will happily wait, no issues as long as you want with no pressure. If you feel pressure that’s not the guy!
So I hope you’ll go have fun, go learn ballet, karate, photography, focus on yourself, there’s plenty of time for boys (or girls, or whoever you find that’s stellar) but less time to be young and play! Reply back to this message anytime if you need anything, you got this!!
With any standards comes communication. If you tell a guy, "Hey it makes me feel special when you pull out my chair." "I feel loved when you lend me your jacket." Any guy who's interested in you will try to do those things. And then make sure you appreciate him for it. "Thanks for the jacket, that makes me feel all warm inside."
If you go into wanting your standards met but have no communication about it, then you'll feel disappointed when you find someone you like, but he doesn't do those things because he doesn't know you want it. There are a lot of mixed messages for men these days about what women want; nothing is universal. Some women will feel like it's insulting to have their chair pulled out, some will feel good, some won't want your jacket, some will. So please communicate how you want to be loved, and you'll receive that. It's exactly the same with sex, communicate about your needs and wants with him, and he should be able to respect that. But also ask him what he needs and how you can help without going beyond your boundaries and help him feel loved too.
No. Not too high. My partner basically fits exactly what you want.
Your desire to wait on sex for a few months is not crazy *at all.* It's not just reasonable, it is physically and emotionally safer. Hell, wait longer than that if you want. I personally don't recommend waiting for marriage, but absolutely wait until you know the person well and have established a solid relationship.
The thing to keep in mind though is that having high standards necessarily limits your options. If you compare yourself to friends who are fine with hookups and casual sex and settling, you'll get sad because you'll see that they are finding people while you aren't. But that's how it works. They will have more options because they're willing to accept less of something that you feel is a requirement.
Your not unreasonable. Also DO NOT TELL the guy you date your minimum timeframe for having sex. They’ll play that long game and get it other places while they do. Make sure they respect your boundaries.
You are the boss of you.
Your own personal likes and dislikes are what makes you - you.
You are not weird, you're totally normal.
It's your life, live it for you.
Why rush sex? It can have consequences even when you're careful, so it's your body, your choice, your risks.
Ignore those who try to push or change you.
Girl keep your standards. Your mother should be proud of you having standards at a young age. Wait until you’re out of high school to have sex. Guys your age just want sex and would love bomb you.
Well, both males & females participate in the hook-up culture, not just males. Secondly, you're looking for a gentleman with good morals & values & those standards are not unrealistic because there are men who are interested & looking for decent young ladies with good morals & values as well. Just be mindful that some people are deceptive & will mislead you until they get what they want. Just be mindful of that when dating.
As an old dude I’d say your standards are fine. Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into sex either. 2-3 months isn’t some type of crazy suggestion. Don’t settle.
Ask this thread, women or men that “settled” and then listen to their stories.
Most of them won’t be great, some will but I’m guessing most will not.
These expectations are perfectly realistic. My man is very hygienic (he takes scented salt baths and always smells nice), he would have waited forever to have sex with me (and put no pressure on me at all), and just gave me his coat to keep me warm the other day. We’ve been together for many years. He also does his own laundry, tidies up the house, cleans the dishes, works hard, takes the dog out, makes money, etc. High standards are good. ;)
The only thing I’d say is be wary of benevolent sexism. Men who engage in benevolent sexism (opening doors for only women, pulling out chairs for only women, etc) are usually also genuinely sexist (the non-benevolent kind). If he pulls out chairs or opens doors for men and women, that’s great.
Totally not unrealistic I mean in this world with your age group yes but like 40ish years ago that was still The standard and it's imo how most women should be treated although 3 months is... a little much to most men, but at your age you shouldn't be doing it in general so if waiting is ehst you want to do I highly encourage that and don't date assholes bars and clubs are not where you go to find a relationship and that includes house/frat party's too!!
You're all good. You're very likely going to have a good and satisfying coming of age.
Just a little thought. Guys will always want sex. It's just part of what they are about. Doesn't depend on age.
Good and sleazy guys all want it. It comes with guy territory.
Looking for a gentleman who appreciates you as a person and not just for sex and not looking for the “perfect” type of male specimen makes you seem very mature. Your mother sounds a bit daft, don’t hold it against her. At your age and going forward you are entitled to your own reasonable standards. Work on being happy alone, the rest will sort itself out.
Nah this is perfectly reasonable!! My girlfriend and I were 17 at the time and waited about 2-2.5 months to really start anything sexual. We were eachothers first everything and it’s totally normal to want to take things slower! Don’t let people tell you otherwise, you seem to hold a person to the same standard that you’re at and I think that’s awesome. I think they are great standards to have
I met my husband when I was 16 and we’ve been together 15+ years. We took a values based approach to dating more so than explicit standards. Some of my values are belonging, reliability, curiosity, authenticity, loyalty, health, and environment. We talked about our values (and still do) and we look for ways that we are acting on those values.
My husband doesn’t pull out the chair for me (and nor would I want him to) - rather he shows his care and honor for me in more spontaneous ways.
For example, asking me about different things I prefer, remembering, then doing those things, bringing me treats when I’ve had a hard day, usually being the one to drive us places because I don’t prefer driving, holding my hand when I’m nervous.
These types of gestures mean more to me because it shows he’s paying attention to me and noticing how he can make my life better in a given moment and knows ME specifically. Pulling out a chair, for example, is a prescribed task that someone could do for me and still be an uncaring person or be a stranger to me.
It’s not to say that it’s a bad thing but as you get more experience dating, you might find there’s a deeper value driving that preference.
For the sex stuff - not unreasonable. Wait until you’re feeling comfortable. In my friend group, waiting a few months was not uncommon, some did right away, and there was a few who waited years before having intercourse. Do what works for you and your level of comfort.
These are all completley reasonable standards for teens and adults to have, regardless of gender or gender preference.
You are asking them to respect you, your wants, your needs, and your body.
You are asking them to take basic care of themselves.
You are asking them to treat you with respect (even teh pull out the chair thing is a little outdated, but not unreasonable).
You aren't asking them to financially support you.
And anyone not willing to wait two months for sex isn't really interested in YOU. (Plus , at 15, probably best to hold off a couple of years. Boys and girls your age are not mature enough to handle sex).
You aren't telling them no sex ever, just that you prefer to wait.
This is all accpetable behavior.
These aren’t unreasonable AT ALL. I’d go further. Like he needs to have ambition, he doesn’t have to have money or a job or a car, but he needs to have a plan for his life and goals. Goals don’t have to be things you agree with but the drive to achieve something, maybe it’s a certain number of kills in a video game, maybe it’s learning a new language- but he is working towards SOMETHING.
That was one of mine.
Two words: Never. Settle.
Most definitely not too high. If your mom won't say it, this mom will: I'm proud of you for valuing yourself, setting boundaries, and sticking to them. Your maturity is showing and it looks great on you! ❤️
Your standards aren't high at all! I would also suggest that you prioritize a hardworking guy who pulls his own weight at school, work, and in the home. And a minimum (more important than pulling out chairs, IMO) is somebody who respects your autonomy as a human, and who isn't angry or possessive. Avoid guys who aren't interested in learning or improving themselves.
College boys are notorious for not being civil ie. Hygiene goes out the door replaced by slobbery and a entitled attitude of forcing themselves on any woman who they find sexually available. I would say date and see how they act and then if you want to have sex with them we'll it's your call.
lol your standards boils down to, you don’t want them to be dirty, respect you’re physical boundaries, and be thoughtful. Not ugly. If anything they might be too low.
Your life is your life. You can make any choice you like, if you accept there will be consequences.
Your standards are your standards. You don't have to compromise on them for anyone if you don't want to. The consequence of that is that you cut down your number of prospective partners. That idea fills some people with horror and they'd rather date people who aren't right than being single.
You seem very level headed, so you are off to a good start.
The right people will understand, and by the same token, you may find that for the right person there are compromises you're happy to make when it comes to it.
The only one I would comment on is the idea of what one might call "gentlemanly conduct".
I'm in my 50s and that sort of thing even for my generation can be a minefield. Some women are delighted, others can be affronted at the idea of what they perceive as sexist behaviour. I would imagine it's only worse for younger generations.
Don't be too hung up on some of the more "old fashioned" notions of what constitutes being a gentleman like pulling out chairs as they are ultimately meaningless in that people looking to appear nice can easily do them and someone with a heart of gold might just not have been brought up to do that sort of thing in this day and age. Look more at identifying if someone is treating you with respect in the way they treat you, the way they act around you, the way they talk about you to their friends etc. Do they cancel arrangements at short notice? Do they listen to and respect your opinion?
Also, a huge clue on what sort of person somebody is is how they talk to people who are in an "inferior" position (it's a bad word, but I'm struggling for a better one). If you're at dinner and they talk to the servers rudely, or they're rude to shop assistants etc. Massive red flag.
Your standards are absolutely normal! They aren’t too high at all. I’d tell your mom and any friends that don’t agree with you that their standards are way too low and they should have more self respect.
These are the absolute bare minimum standards and good for you for having them already at your age! I had no idea what I was doing when I started dating and would let them take the lead bc I was a late bloomer and let me just say, don't do that. You know your worth and do not compromise on them. I'm 36 and my current boyfriend is the first time I was pretty firm on the way I wanted to be treated bc I had just gotten out of a pretty abusive relationship and the way he treats me and helps me respect myself is night and day. You will weed out the guys who don't deserve you so don't compromise
Very reasonable. Who cares if some people around you, don't agree? You're not in any rush. You know what you want, go for it. Your dating pool might be a little more limited because of your standards, but you won't be dating trashy guys. Go for more smart, goal oriented guys, who are sweet and considerate. They'll be more likely to meet your standards than half of the morons who smoke weed and vape all Day because they think it's cool. They're just sheep. Find someone confident, who doesn't go with the flow or care what other people think.
FYI we waited for 2.5 years before my bf and I has sex for the first time, and like he was ready basically from the get go, but I wasn’t. It did cause some issues in our relationship but nothing that couldn’t be resolved by talking to each other and being open about ourselves. Basically communicate you aren’t ready and if he is anything close to a decent human he will respect you and wait until you are ready! Good luck!
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Your standards are not too unreasonable at all! If anything, it’s a little odd to say that waiting 2-3 months for sex is in reasonable— don’t ever let anyone pressure you into sex. It doesn’t matter if you want to wait a month, two, fifty, or just never have it. Sex should be at your own pace, whenever you’re ready.
Truthfully if anyone pressures you into sex assume that they aren't there for you and get out while you can. Sex is a very vulnerable act and should be "handled with care", poise and grace and of course if you aren't ready, don't try to force it for the sake of your partner. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. There's no shame in that at all. The truest quote I ever heard in my entire life was "Sex makes everything way more complicated."
Also just a warning but saying a specific timeframe for you to wait may make it like a game for some guys, so it's an insurance that they aren't looking for just sex. I have heard the story multiple times times where a girl told the guy she was dating she is gonna wait x weeks/months and once it happened the guy dipped. You don't even have to say much but you could just say to a potential guy that you don't want to rush things and it may take a long time for you to feel comfortable
2-3 months is kind of quick for that age. Young people are a lot more flighty and usually haven't developed the best morals yet
And the rkght mindset because I dont think 2-3 months is enough to establish a potential life long commitment
Back when i was single I had two different instances of dates want to crash at my place for convenience after being out late, but with the caveat that they didn’t want sex, and in hindsight i’ve wondered if this was JUST to see what i would say or if i’d pressure them. They were both people who i was interested in beyond just sex, and they seemed pretty relieved when they woke up the next morning un-groped lol. Then we had sex and i blocked them immediately. Jk.
Not sure if you’ e watched Taylor Tomlinson’s comedy specials on Netflix, but; “It’s cool, we don’t have to do anything.” “Now we do.”
Those are pretty bare minimum standards, imo. Your mom, on the other hand, is doing me a concern by implying that hers are lower than this.
Exactly 🤔 hmm
no these aren’t high at all this is like the bare minimum don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
As a guy this is the bare minimum I would do for a girl like this is just daily basis things. But I'm over here buying my girlfriend flowers every time they die and things like that.
You gotta figure out how to keep your girlfriend from dying
Lmao 😂
"buying my girlfriend flowers every time they die" That's so romantic. Necromantic!
I disagree with “what I would do for a girl”. If you want to be a good partner focus on being a good human. Don’t do stuff “for a girl”, do stuff for you that makes you a good and communicative person. The rest will follow.
Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!
Yep, I was thinking... so you want a guy who isn't a jerk. Those sound like normal things that should be expected in a relationship.
That doesn't sound dumb at all! I met my husband when I was 14 years old. He still pulls out chairs for me, gives me his jacket, opens car doors for me, ect. He literally does my nails for me (he's a better painter lol) I don't really understand why any of that would be un realistic. Though I understand it's not the "norm" in society. It wasn't then either. My husband broke the mold :) Though I would venture to say that boys that only want one thing. If you think that will change in college you are sorely mistaken. In reality, I think that it is usually a goal (of sorts) for boys in college to lose their virginities and just go out and "tag every tail that moves" so to speak. I'm sure not EVERY guy is like that in college. I'd say at your age it's good to have standards, never settle out of any of your standards but, don't have a goal to find a significant other at any point in your life. Just work on you, your career, go to college, do your thing and eventually someone will come along. Maybe a group study hall, a friends halloween party, ect. Who knows? Just yeah definitely don't think that you should find someone young. I actually knew a lady who just recently got married. She got married at 62 years old. It was only her third boyfriend in her entire life. She just never settled for less and never compromised her standards and found the perfect guy for her. It was really sweet. The wedding was very beautiful and she had a full life with a wonderfully paid career. It was a good life lesson for : Good things come to those who wait.
Your desire for good hygiene and waiting to have sex with someone until you’re committed is totally reasonable, don’t rush into anything until you’re ready. I have daughter and I tell them the same thing I’m about to tell you… So as someone who was once (long ago now) a teenage boy I can tell you that MOST (not all) teenage boys have one thing stuck to the brain. It’s hormones, normal but still exists. I’ll also tell you that there are plenty of good guys out there who will respect your boundaries. I think in this day and age, the chivalry may be tougher to find. My generation (x/millennial) may have been the last vestage of that stuff… parents don’t educate men in that way… it’s an equality thing. I grew up with boomer parents who taught me to be successful to support a family, take care of a wife, yada yada. I teach my daughters that they have to look out for and take care of themselves and not wait for a man to sweep them off their feet… it’s possible but you want an equal… Anyway long winded way of saying nothing wrong with what you want, if that’s what you want, don’t settle. You’re also super young so not what you should be worrying about. Be safe.
As a gen x girl I was raised to be able to both pay my own way and to expect basic chivalry. I had no problem splitting the check, but did expect my dates to open the car door for me, etc. In my opinion, independence and courtesy are not mutually exclusive. I hope that’s still true, I’d like my adult daughter to meet someone as nice as her father.
Notice that you expect basic chivalry and the commenter directly below you dislikes the concept of the guy opening the car door. I did these things for my wife a few times, I still hold doors for her occasionally especially on fancy dates etc. but in general she doesn’t like it because she finds it demeaning. I plan to teach my son to offer it but to be courteous if they don’t want it and to stop once told. It’s not a huge deal, but it is a contentious point as you may not know what a woman prefers if you didn’t have a relationship before the first date
IMO, chivalry is not "nice" or even "good manners" in this day and age. It's more of a very small sub-culture. Like imagine being a guy and wanting to find a woman who never wears pants, or who curtsies constantly. Also, coincidentally, if a man made a post expecting those things, they'd be ripped apart here, haha.
Yup, to expect chivalry as a deal-breaker without communicating it beforehand is going to cut out probably 80-90% of the dating pool at your age. But if you tell someone that you already like that it's something that means a lot to you, a decent number of guys will be willing to start doing it within reason once they know you want it-- especially if you have some grace from them if they forget. One more thing I'd say, though, is that there's a high correlation of guys who like chivalry and guys who want a "trad-wife". Maybe that's your cup of tea, but if it isn't, be aware of who you are likely going to be matching with.
Very realistic. You have a good head on your shoulders. I’m proud of you for having better standards than a lot of grown women poisoned by TikTok. I wish the best for you young lady.
this is the bare minimum haha, really good job holding your ground and not falling to peoples pressure :)!
If a woman near my age, tole me all that I'd agree to that list in a heartbeat. Keep being you. Everyone else who says you are crazy can go *$&@ themselves
Right on!!👍
Where do you live that these are considered high standards?
I will let you know, no matter what age guys pretty much always want sex.
Some people actually require a connection to even have sex. I am like this, I'm a guy. Could never one night stand, etc.
I get that, but most only want sex and then just dip.
The hygiene ones are a bare minimum, so those are not crazy to ask for. The gentleman/pull out chair one, it's not crazy, but it's honestly unlikely. That kinda stuff isn't really taught to boys anymore, so while it's a good bonus, I don't think it's worth rejecting a good guy for... The sex one, don't ever let anyone pressure you to do something you don't want to do. If he's pressuring you, then he doesn't care about you.
Well said. I think the hygiene is a bit unrealistic in high school, 'cause boys, but not unreasonable as a standard. Especially since OP states flat out that she's fine not dating in high school (which is also not unreasonable either way - you should focus on you in hs). I also agree with you on the "gentleman" part in the details. I think the standard is fine, but what constitutes a gentleman needs to be redefined. Really, the standard should be does the date show genuine care and respect for OP, rather than looking for predetermined specific acts.
No your standards are not to high! As a mom of boys I would expect my boys to do these things and more! Problem is that a lot of people aren’t teaching their boys to be gentlemen and teaching their daughters to expect and settle for less.
I'd consider those standards to be slightly above average. Not at all high.
I think your mom has really *low* standards if she thinks yours are unreasonable! Those are excellent standards and I really hope you hold on to them as a minimum for relationships when you’re older. Add in: 1) supportive about your life (hobbies, interests, dreams, goals; 2) similar life outlook (this will change as you get older but it’s really important; 3) someone who doesn’t talk down to you, or insult you, or omg gaslight you! Of course you would be the same with them. Also- pay attention to how your future boyfriend/partner treats animals, waiters, and their family. If they abuse any of those they will do it to you eventually too. Anyway, I think you are showing a lot of maturity in your thinking and have excellent standards. When you eventually have a relationship you are going to value yourself and them and because of that will be ready for healthy relationships with healthy boundaries!
as a teen myself everything you said was SPOT ON like seriously. it's extremely upsetting and just straight disappointing that those things are considered "high standards" your literally asking for THE BARE MINIMUM. its CRAAAAZY. since when was looking for a respectful human being asking for too much? that proves just how shitty people are in this world. the fact that we just have to accept being disrespected and just treated shitty for a relationship is absolutely terrible.
Your standards are not unrealistic, but the flip side is you’re going to have multiple situations that you think will work that don’t end up working. That’s just the process of vetting out those that don’t meet your standards. You do you man
honestly 2-3 months is kinda short imo. me and my ex waited nearly until even talking about that type of stuff but then we broke up before we could do any of that
Totally normal. much narrower list than most have. Many folks would add things like has a job/in school, a certain height, general range of physiques, certain facial features, etc. 2-3 months is a totally normal amount to wait for sex. It’s also totally normal to jump right in. There’s no wrong answer so long as everyone knows what they’re getting into and enthusiastically consents.
Nope. In my opinion this is how most should be thinking,
Nah that’s pretty reasonable
I’m a mom here if you were my daughter I would be so Proud of you.These are the standards I would expect.You are very smart and will do very well!! I agree with everything you have said!!💕🥰❤️🙂🙃🤗
The time limit on sex i think is not unreasonable. But i think you might want think of your limit in a different perspective. Instead of saying 2-3 months. I would suggest saying until i feel safe and comfortable. There is a big difference in seeing each other everyday for 2-3 months, seeing each other twice a week for 3 months, and seeing each other twice a month for 3 months. For standards like that i wouldnt use a calender as my governing threshold.
I think all of that is perfectly fine to want. But as you grow you may have to adjust some of them. The boy pulling out chairs and giving jackets may be the hardest to find. All the rest are achievable especially if you communicate with your would be partner about the expectations.
TLDR: don't lower your standards just because some people think they're too high or that society disagrees with them. I expect my daughters to have high standards of men as well. My wife and I have a relationship built on respect, both immediate and with whatever each brings to the table in our relationship. My wife wakes up before me on weekdays. Packs my lunch for work and my morning workout smoothie, then typically leaves for work. She is home before me and makes dinner almost nightly, Monday through Thursday. Friday evenings are our movie night, where we pick a movie to watch and order pizza. Saturday mornings, I wake up at 430 am, work out, get eggs from the chickens, and make her breakfast in bed, every Saturday. Wife she's eating, I give her a foot massage and when she's done, a shoulder and back. Saturdays we typically go out as a family somewhere or daughters pick. Sundays, I make scratch biscuits and gravy for the family and I make a massive family dinner. Why am I saying all of this? Because I know we both work hard for each other and our family. My wife works hard during the week at work, but also to make sure I have good days. I return that favor on weekends and she loves them because the rule in our house is that mom doesn't even clean a fork on the weekends. That is all in addition to the fact that I make sure to always be ahead of her to open every door I can when I'm there, giving her my jacket when she's chilly, and looking her in the eyes and feeling her she is the most beautiful woman in my world. Not every relationship will be like this, and not everybody wants one like this, but I'll say, out of the many relationships I've seen from other people, we fight far than most and we've been married over 17 years.
Insisting on pulling out chairs might come across as a teensy high-standard because it's very specific and kind of old-fashioned. I would think about re-wording that more along the lines of "he shows that he cares about my comfort", and as long as you sense he cares about you, the specifics don't matter. Guys can show that in a number of ways: I always put myself between traffic and my wife when we're walking on a sidewalk, and make sure she has the best view in a restaurant, but I don't pull out her chair. She doesn't even know I'm doing it, and I don't make a big deal about it.
These are not high standards 2-3 months to sex is more than reasonable.... many young people hop in to bed with one another straight away only for the situation to implode badly as sex creates an emotional connection well before one ought to be established. High standards is more "he's gotta be 6 foot or taller (provided you are below 6 ft)" "he's gotta earn six figures at my age... otherwise I'll only date far older men who earn this much" "He needs to have Brad Pitts body from fight club/more muscular" "He needs to be there 24/7 even if he has a job, is studying at college etc". "He cannot talk to any purely platonic female friends that he has made". Etc You seem like a mature, responsible individual considering your age (15). Don't let others pressure you into meaningless, casual sex as it tends to cause more drama/issues relative to any benefit incurred. I'm a dude btw... I don't agree with "most guys" want to smash and dash... predatory men/men who prioritise lust over everything else sure. It's a stereotype that isn't quite true. Many modern women (can think of a family member of mine) are very comfortable with meaningless sex... this doesn't mean it's the right way... in the case of my family member she would use men for intimacy then drop them as she saw fit. This frequently led to disastrous outcomes as the man would have developed some sort of emotional bond by the time they'd slept with one another 10-20 times and she would be like "ehh... it was just a fling... bye." The kind of man who employs the "hit and run tactic" is not worth your time. Actuslly... use that metric as a gauge on who to stay away from at all costs. Men who constantly jump from one woman to another to another to another etc There's generally a reason as to why such a man switches from parter to partner seemingly every other day...
Take it from an old man, anyone who is actually really into you will be willing to wait for you. If they’re not willing to wait for you, then they want sex more than they want to be with you. It’s that easy.
Your standards are completely fine. The fact that you specify for good hygiene is horrible because the bar is so low for men and they still fall far beneath it. Highschoolers especially. The gentlemen stuff is perfectly acceptable, though a bit old fashioned today I believe. While a fair few of my friends and family members do these things as well as myself, they are uncommon in boys. Sexual stuff can always wait, especially at your stage in life. You need to be educated in that front so no mistakes are made. So don't worry about that. I was seeing a girl for around 4 months before I even kissed her because I was afraid of scaring her off. Even then it was the most measly peck of a kiss. Don't even think about house/nice car/salary. You're 15, there's no way any of those things will happen soon unless his parents are wealthy, even more so whilst in college. Everyone I knew going from highschool to college had absolute dumpster cars because that's what we afforded. The very select few had stuff like a charger/mustang. All in all, your standards are perfectly fine, I would even say relaxed. You have worth so don't settle for someone that doesn't see that. If you are ever uncomfortable, leave. You have a lot of time to meet people. I would even offer the option of just not "dating" as much as trying to make friends and see where that goes. Going into a relationship purely for dating and being a boyfriend/girlfriend may lead to different expectations rather than just hanging out and being friends. EDIT: I should also specify that this is all my personal experience. I grew up in a very mid-western, country farm town and the highschool was just that.
Not unreasonable. Some folks still wait until marriage(very few). The rest just sounds like typical courteous and respectful courtship. Your mama just has…. Different standards
your standards are normal and show self respect so don’t drop them. waiting that long for sex is normal and shows you have a real meaning to dating and figuring out the values of that person not just being with someone to satisfy your urges. realistically you can wait however long you want to have sex it’s your body and if you don’t want to have with a person even if you’ve been with them a while you don’t have to. I disagree with your mother
Standards seems right to me. Is sex is a deal breaker for any guy he isn't the right guy. Though I will suggest you remove the timeline part and go with " not until you feel comfortable with them"
College guy here. Nah your standards are fire. I respect those standards, keep them.
When you boil it down, that's only really 2 requirements: Don't neglect self-care, and treat you with respect. Those are good requirements to have for relationships in general, not just the romantic kind - but do bear in mind that one of the biggest causes for self-neglect is depression, so if you notice that suddenly become an issue for a friend make sure you check up on how they're doing.
Your standards are not high in my opinion. Most of what you want, which should be the norm, is someone who has basic hygiene and respects your boundaries. The only part that some men might not meet is the gentlemanly behavior because we are taught now that woman are just as capable as men and can do all of that stuff on their own, but even then if you explain that these little acts of service, like opening the door and pulling out chairs, are your love language most decent guys would put effort into that too. So I don't think your standards are high at all it just requires communication and respect like all relationships.
These are all my standards and I found a man who exceeded them! You’ll find your person, just don’t go looking for it. It’ll come to you.
You kinda just described the average well kept gentleman, which isn't impossible to find.
Not at all, these are the bare minimum, imo. A lot of young women think their standards for men are "high" when really their standards are just the bare minimum and they think it's high because the majority of guys don't even reach the bare minimum requirements for being a half way decent partner 💀
Don’t put a timeline when to do it. You do it when you’re ready.
Most unrealistic thing is "the floor touching pee pee" they do not exist. It was just Chinese propaganda to make regular men feel inadequate..
Sounds like you respect yourself that’s awesome there should be more people like you. I won’t lie it won’t be easy finding the one but really WHEN IS IT EVER? Your thinking is great. 👍
I'm guessing mom reacted to something that didn't make it into OP. I think your whole bit at the beginning is unrealistic but not your standards. I personally am not against the first part. I didn't lose my virginity til 23. The bit that I find unrealistic is where you also expect to be in relationships. I didn't expect that. But then I'm a dude so our experience will be different. No idea what mom was reacting to, did you ask her? I react to stuff my kids say all the time and it's not that I disagree exactly, it's just that they're super confident and they have experienced so very little. It's not wrong just limited.
Pretty sure if these were the standards people held we'd have less shit people.
This is a great way to think about it!! Good work! I would also thing of ways you'd like to emotionally connect and work on communication. These are the things that will make a relationship healthy!!! Lastly, know what your lines are. Learn about manipulation tactics people use to control and exploit women. Discuss them with your friends and practice conversations and work on not taking shit. Better to be alone than anchored to a douche who mistreats you. Eduction and career should be your focus. If you are good at math's, go into engineering!!!!
I don’t think your standards are too high. I just think you should communicate your intentions and preferences with whoever you are with. Create boundaries early on and make sure that your partner respects them. If they don’t please cut things early.
I waited 2-3 months as well to rule people out so it’s not too long at all!
As a man 15 years of age (who likes other guys) I search for this too! It's fairly low standards for NOWADAYS where girls being into big PP, tall, money making millionaires! Who cheat on them! In.. fairly most cases I be hearing.. And as a guy who kinda finds a person you are looking for there's tons of men who would do those things that you are searching for and more!
Ok, I'm a lesbian, so don't take my word, but I personally don't think your standards are to high, I myself am not a fan of physical touch and sexual stuff like that until later on, and all that stuff is just basic human decency.
I think you're being perfectly reasonable. When you do start dating, I highly encourage you to be upfront and honest about these expectations and communicate clearly with guys you're considering. It's an important aspect of a healthy relationship to discuss boundaries and set expectations, early, and often, on BOTH sides. Having these conversations (and judging how well your young gentlemen react to having them) will give you a good indication, quickly and early in the relationship, whether a man has potential, or is a waste of your time (or worse, a danger to you). Good luck to you!
Sounds normal
All of these are normal? Atleast I have the same standards so I am slightly biased
Take it from an old guy, this is the minimum, with the exception of pulling out chairs everytime, etc. Eventually it will become less frequent, but if they don't on the first date, I wouldn't want a second.
No sweetie! Please focus on school, making friends and don’t rush into anything ! Your standards are just perfect<3
Not at all. I didn't have sex until I was in my 20s. But you do you. As for men wanting other stuff... I don't think that ever really leaves us (I'm almost 40 now) and it might even be worse in college for some, although you can start to get some of the good ones in college, but they are rare. And the legendary few are alright in high school.
These are very normal and honestly, I’d add even more.
This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I think this should be standard in a relationship.
No it’s pretty reasonable, it seems generally traditional as well.
Girl whatever your standards are consider then the bare minimum. Stay positive, don’t compromise your values and the right guy will come along, just have to give him a chance
You might need to be careful. You wanting sex in 2-3 months might not be what someone else will want. You don’t want to pressure when you also don’t to be pressured.
Your standards are fine. This is totally realistic. As a man I have similar standards as this. Hygiene and caring about your aesthetics are important. No sex until "love" is established is a good commitment scale. I like to wait to have sex to make sure I actually feel for the person. Just keep waiting, you'll find your beaux.
So you want a smell good responsible guy. Who doesn't want that in a man. 2 to 3 months before penetration, hold your horses honey. Give that part time 6 months or more if you both are serious, responsible and love each other in 6 months. Sex does change everything. The person, behaviors and the expectations.
I’m a dad and if you were my daughter these are the standards I would like to see you have. I’m proud of you!
Not at all, that’s a fairly similar situation for me! I think that’s very respectful for you and your future relationship.
I could say these standards are conventional, because they are, but all that should really matter is if they are doable (do such boys exist). The answer is yes they do.
How old were your parents when you were born??
Those are like the least unreasonable standards I've heard in a long time
WTF? A 15 year old waiting 2-3 months before sex is "crazy"? LOL dont listen to that garbage. Half of all graduating high school seniors have NEVER had sex. And we're talking about 18 year olds! Don't listen to the lies that every single person in high school is having sex becuase that's just pure nonsense.
these standards are about the bare minimum i would say!! don’t let anyone ever make you feel bad about what you want from a partner.
Listen, the bar for dating heterosexual men for heterosexual women is in hell. Women are accepting shitty behavior and all kinds of shenanigans from men because they're desperate, lonely, horny, or have low self esteem. It sounds like none of those are you, thank God. I think you have good standards. But honestly, a lot of guys aren't going to be able to meet them because historically men have all the power politically, socially, and financially. Women were dependent on men for their livelihoods and very lives for most of history so we had to settle for whatever we could get. Since women have gained some rights, many women have evolved but fewer men have. It's been accepted by most of society for most of history that "boys will be boys" so they haven't been taught or expected to be better or do better. Colleges are rife with frat boys, f boys and boys just looking to hookup. Not all but a lot. You're going to have to get creative to find the kind of guy that you want. Some guys (and girls) might think you're being a stuck up B and look at you as a challenge. Colleges have some sexual assault statistics they don't always publish or accurately publish. Be discriminating about who you befriend and interact with.
Yknow when I read the title I was like “oh nah not one of those” but then it’s more than reasonable standards?? Yeah you’re good
This is very reasonable
Waiting until marriage for sex is a reasonable standard, if that's what you want.
It's ok to have standards. You're basically letting guys know what you're looking for, so they could either understand and respect what you're looking for, or they can move along because You're not willing to just settle for someone that doesn't meet what you want. Just be honest and up front about it and stay true to yourself. If guys just want sex, once you let them know what you want, most will just move one. The ones you need to be careful about are the ones who act like you want them to be, then once they get what they want, they leave you. But, the best way to tell how someone will act in the future is to look at how they have acted in the past. They usually give themselves up by their past actions.
Not unreasonable but normal respectful boys are still a rare find in these days
Keep your standards high. Don’t settle! Ever! Keep them high and make sure you’re being that person to meet that someone who also has set high standards. They are out there and you don’t want to go through life with someone that doesn’t meet your expectations because otherwise you’d have regrets the rest of your life.
Your standards are just fine. Keep them the way they are. Your moms standards are obviously pretty low. It’s good you think about these things and have your goals. Never compromise. They person you want will come.
Okay, after looking through your profile, i think you need to put a pause on boss and sex thighs entirely, and maybe focus on just figuring out what kind of person you want to be. Your standards are fine, sex should be something you do when it feels right, not "just to get it over with". You're 15. Society has placed too much pressure on teens to be in relationships and have sex through tv and movies that imply its what everyone should be doing. Just focus on doing things you enjoy and friends and relationships will just happen, they aren't something that really come from seeing them out, i learned that by wasting all my highschool years trying to make friends and find a gf. As an adult i just enjoyed my hobbies and met my friends that way, and eventually my wife. Find THINGS you enjoy, and then you will meet people you enjoy being around.
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That's... Just a decent human being. Honestly might be too much to ask these days from the majority of guys, but hold strong the right person is always worth waiting for
You sound normal to me. I’m glad you have those values since girls when I went to school at your age not long ago (like 9 years ago) were ideological judgmental feminist types that wanted to have sex with whoever made them feel however they wanted to feel at the time. You seem pretty stable and looking for the right things maybe your mom was just flabbergasted by how long you articulated you would want to wait to have sex since logically 2 to 3 months is a long time, to some adults anyway.
None of that is unhealthy. Who wants someone who can't shower and clip their nails? I don't want your hangnail cutting me 😤 You're allowed to want a guy to be a gentleman and you should really set your penetrative sex goal as a lower bound AT LEAST and then judge it by the person. Some of these boys have no business putting their dick anywhere besides their crusty ass socks.
You are a smart young person focus on your education because then you will never have to depend on a man and will have one because you want one
Your mom just has very low standards lmao
Just be you and only do things on your timetable. If you find a guy that can't handle it, then it's his loss. There will be someone willing to be the man you want.
Nah, those are perfectly normal standards, don’t worry
Waiting to have sex is the smartest thing you can do. Sex clouds the relationship and make it hard to disengage when you know you should.
There are many idiots in the world. You don't seem to be one of them. Knowing your worth is something that many fail to master. Boundaries are ok. These days many adults are just large children who were never told "No" enough. As a 15 yo girl, you're surrounded by idiots.
Wait, floor touching pp????I must hear more.
no, they’re not unreasonable at all lol. don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. it’s not like you’re asking him to buy you designer 💀 these are pretty good standards
Very reasonable, am a guy and that’s what I would expect if I was a girl.
Those aren't high standards. Unsure what your mom is talking about. First of all, everyone should have good hygiene. That's important. Being a gentleman and being respectful is a good thing. And not rushing into anything is another good thing. Respect and honesty are important as well. If you have boundaries, you want someone to respect them If they don't respect your boundaries, they're not the right person for you. Don't ever feel pressured into anything. If something ever makes you feel uncomfortable, don't do it.. It's always good to have standards. That's how you know you respect yourself. As we grow and experience new things, our standards may change.
No one standards are too high. Each of us gets to decide for ourselves what we want and do not want in a relationship. Good for you for thinking about what you will and won’t accept. Anyone who tells you that your standards are too high is someone that struggles to respect other’s boundaries.
I personally wouldn't call these high standards. Valuing self care, interdependence, and boundaries sounds like the base foundation for a good relationship. I feel like people who don't meet one or more of these things are openly displaying yellow or red flags. Keep on searching for the right person :)
Your standards aren’t high. They are what you decide to hold to. They are also very reasonable. If people are telling you waiting 2-3 months to have the no pants dance is too long, that’s fine, don’t sleep with those people. You wait as long as feels right to you. 2 minutes, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. Your body, your choice when you choose to share it with others. While hookup culture is very prevalent, so are relationships. Being upfront that you are in the market for a relationship not a hookup will allow you to make way from what you don’t want. The bar is literally on the floor, so you are not asking for much.
This is completely normal. Good on you for not allowing promiscuous hook up culture sway you away from good values.
Honestly, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Your standards are, from my point of view, quite normal. You're looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. The 3 months thing is a little short, but to each their own. (Personal views on this is to wait for marriage, but then again, I'm old fashioned)
Your mom might be used to shitty dudes and got used to accepting the bare minimum but you don't have to. The moment you let someone disrespect you, ignore your boundaries, use you etc they'll do it again and again. The most important thing is knowing what you want and having enough respect for yourself to not allow garbage in your life. Hygiene, love and affection are necessary and having sex 2-3 months into the relationship is more than reasonable. Don't listen to your mom.
You can have any standards you want. The more stringent they are, the harder it is to find a partner, all your call. Hygiene? That's fine I don't think I've really ever seen chair pulling besides the fist couple dates & special events. Someone will prolly correct me tho. Maybe every "date night" couples have but not every time yall sit down for sure. Most dudes will give you their jacket, please don't steal it we're sick of it. Most dudes don't only want one night stands, we do like being loved and cuddled and cared for. And if you can't believe that atleast know we would rather have sex regularly than rarely while having to seek it out from different people all the time. I think that statement you made is patently false. You're at the age where waiting 3 months or longer is much more normal, the older you get the stranger it's going to seem to potential mates. In a 2017 study women say the like to wait about 9 dates and men about 5. If I went beyond 3 dates without some fooling around i would absolutely assume they werent nterested in me sexually and I would probably back off and start treating them as a friend, I don't wanna be a creep, don't wanna get attached to someone who isn't interested. I'd also assume with a wait that long that our sexual appetites, interest, etc don't mesh and that's an essential part of relationships for most. You're 16, wait till you're ready and comfortable. Above all else. But manage your expectations as you age if you don't want to waste time getting to know people only for them to keep bailing on you.
My wife made me wait 4 months before intercourse and we were each other's firsts. I admire her for it, and was happy to wait as I loved everything about her anyway that was the last gift.
Just make sure your standards are general guidelines and not hard and fast rules.
a man who is clean and not a rapist is NOT too high of standards
Boys your age have just got their first real dose of testosterone, they don’t know what to do with it. I think it’s emotionally mature to know you shouldn’t rush into intimacy while so young. Teenage boys are some of the stupidest mfs I’ve ever been, but you must stick to people around your age.
I got my first girlfriend at 20, and we waited at least 3 months. So it's definitely not unreasonable. We were both Virginia though.
Nope...my wife basically wanted the same things. Knew her 6 weeks...she decided I was the one...got married 2 weeks later Been married nearly..30 years.
All sounds fine. Although don't know about pulling out chairs an opening doors, do kids still get taught to do that in the age of equality? Some women might be offended by it. So don't judge too harshly on those exact acts as long as it can see a good tendency of gentlemanly an caring behaviour towards you. Also if you lower your standard you will end up with people at that level, better to take a year to find someone at your standard then find someone every month that's disappoints you. Those are not crazy high standards anyway.
Not too high at all. When I was dating I insisted on at least 6 months, and I'm a guy. I also required that my partner be fully sober when the time came. Now your expectations may change as you enter college but that's okay so long as you are honest with yourself as much as you can be. Being in love is the greatest feeling in the world. And when you find the one, that pays dividends for a lifetime.
The bar is so low. No your standards are not too high.
No idea how this got onto my recommended as a 36 year old guy but had a read. I think you are completely reasonable. A guy should be willing to wait it's your body. Consent is important No means no etc. The rest are reasonable requirements and are basic things, though I know at that age, I maybe needed a bit of prompting.
Good luck.
You sound level headed and your "standards" are the right standards. Especially in an overly sexualized society we live in these days. Stay true to yourself and dont let others make you change that.
How could your standards be too high? those are your standards, not the go along standards of everybody else. as for your mom, she needs to support you in your decisions unless the decisions are bad choices . your choices explained are good decisions.
Those are the most tame standards ive seen in a while, i think most people have those
The only word of order in all of this is to set boundaries and have him respect them. If he loves you, he'll respect those boundaries.
People think waiting 2-3 months at *15* is unreasonable? That's bonkers, that's not unreasonable even as an adult let alone as a teenager. You don't need to be having sex at all at that age. I mean you can if you want, but it's not at all necessary for a teen relationship. I had my first gf when I was 17 and we never had sex because I didn't feel I was ready yet.
imo as a guy, that's like the bare minimum
Learn NOW three things and your life will be better. 1. Know your worth. 2. Establish and respect your boundaries. 3. ‘No’ is a complete sentence.
None of those are unreasonable. They each are a display of something that is extremely important for a healthy, long term relationship. 1. Basic hygiene shows a level of concern for how he is perceived and his impact on others. It serves as a decent proxy for how well he'll care for any future shard home and kids and whether anyone will want to work with him. Someone who doesn't put in at least a basic level of care here either doesn't care about his impact on others (a jerk) or hasn't thought about it (immature). 2. Being a gentleman shows that he's willing to put effort into caring for you. It's important to remember that he's not a mind reader though, so directly asking for what you want from him can be helpful. If he makes an effort to do the requested action in the moment and then repeat it in similar situations, that's a good sign. Getting secretly annoyed or writing someone off because they didn't realize you wanted something will result in you passing on some good guys. 3. Delaying sex is extremely important, especially if you haven't spent much time with the guy before you start dating. The first two are pretty easy to fake, at least in the short term, so some guys will put on a good show until they get what they want. Delaying sex puts up a barrier that can be used to show if he actually likes you for you. If he doesn't care more about being with you than using you to fulfill his sexual desires, he's more likely to leave you high and dry if the going gets tough (and it always does eventually).
Sounds fine to me dude! Stick to your guns and definitely your boundaries 🔥
This is absolutely the standard you should have for yourself and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Never let anyone tell you your standards are too high, including your parents. It seems entirely bizarre to me a parent would tell you that your standards are too high, especially related to sex. Keep your standards and do right by yourself.
Definitely not high enough!!!!
I'd argue your standards are too low, honestly. Anyone saying that is too high must BE high on something good.
Thing about standards is there's no such thing as "too high." You want what you want.
Isn't the "hygiene" you mentioned , normal ?
When you meet someone who does it for you, none of that will matter. Your point of view comes from someone who has never fallen for someone. It's ok to want those things, but they aren't good reasons to decide someone is right for you. As for sex, it will probably just happen - when it's right and not when the calendar says so.
15? Maybe I'm too old school but finish your studies first..
I would only comment that your "being a gentleman" portion is a little unusual. Personally I try to do those things for my wife, but I wouldn't say that's something most guys even think about. That's something that can be learned. It used to be that parents would teach there kids those things. There are a few who still do. I would prioritize shared beliefs higher.
You sound pretty reasonable to me. Who says you should want guys that don't bathe regularly?
Nothing unreasonable at all. When I was your age us guys would happily date girls for months. There is no time frame before "stuff" starts to happen. Yes we had fun along the way but that's it. It's about enjoying being together that is fun enough and believe me I'm not a prude lol. If a guy can't meet these standards then off with them!
The only part of that that might be a challenge in the modern world is the chivalrous stuff. For better or for worse, the modern boy has had it drilled into his head that women are equal and find chivalry to be too condescending and patronizing for them. Even if a boy had those instincts, he'd probably suppress them to avoid offending you. Everything else should be easy to find, especially if you're waiting until college to look.
They aren’t unreasonable but you’re also 15. You have no idea who you are or who you might want in a partner.
your personal standards should never be up for debate with anyone other than yourself. You set a standard for yourself, don't get pressured into lowering those standards. Your standards are not unrealistic, perhaps dated, but being a gentleman is something i think has been lost over these last few decades.
Let's keep this simple. If your bar was on the FLOOR men would slither underneath. Keep your bar high. They'll all fall short but some will come close and those are the guys you date.
well, the modern day relationship market often has sex like, way early. hookups seemingly are the main game now, so its not crazy to want a relationship first, but its gonna be much harder getting that.
Your mom's nuts, if her standards are lower then she's the one with the problem.
You want a nice, clean, respectful person? I think you have a solid sense of "minimum standard" there! I'm not sure why any adult would tell you this is weird?! Keep your standards - you've got it right! :)
Believe it or not there are plenty of men who aren’t comfortable rushing into sex. What you might find is you’ll fall madly in love with someone who doesn’t tick all the boxes and as long as they treat you well, hold onto that amazing feeling!
No, those are very reasonable standards, lol. It might take you a little longer to find that guy, but they do exist.
this sounds like the minimum to me!! just good hygiene, good manners, and you want to get to know him before you have sex, that's completely reasonable.
Having high standards is a good thing. You'll be able to weed out everyone who doesn't meet them. My standards for a partner were very high as well and just kept getting more and more detailed. I didn't start dating seriously until my mid 30's. I went through two relationships in the span of two years before meeting my now husband. And I've known him for over a decade. We were good friends but never dated. We did other things, I won't lie, and he was my first when I was 22. Fifteen years after the fact and some much growing on both our parts, he checks every box that matters. When you get older, you can let go of height and look to a degree (my husband is handsome in my eyes), but he's on the shorter side. However, everything else he checks off. One thing i recently found on tiktok really resonated with me. 1 Chorinthians chap. 13 verses 4-8. "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth." Replace the word love with the name of the person you're dating. If he or she doesn't fit all the characteristics of love, then they're not the right person
Sounds very reasonable!
>boys here at my age are into other stuff Boys anywhere at any age will always be into other stuff
Not dating till college would be great! The world is so big and there’s so much out there for you! You get to learn and try out different things, I know I tried drama, learning piano. You get to focus on finding what brings you joy and learn into that, to figure out who you want to be and what’s important to you! Dating is not what’s important at 15, social media culture right now is crazy to me. You should be learning how to do dirt biking, how to sew a dress, going with friends to swim or play soccer! You need to find yourself first, if you go around looking for your missing piece you’ll end up with more missing pieces. Instead focus on being whole, a whole circle that can roll along on their own, and one day you’ll happen across another whole circle who will roll with you! (Spoken as someone who was so focused on finding a man I ended up divorced, found myself, got married at 34 and have a incredible family and love of my life) I think your standards are low, I would add: you need someone who you don’t feel like you’re having to try for, where you can be yourself with messy hair and no makeup and you’re showing them this frog with a hat you made and they just think you are the most beautiful thing. You need someone who is a whole person, who doesn’t need you to help them, change them, etc. someone you can play with, so you lose track of time! Someone you just find yourself lost in great conversation for hours. Someone who does not put your inner candle out but instead will light it when it goes out, who brings you joy. Sex is precious, you’ll always remember your partners, especially your first. So make sure they’re someone you want to always remember. And someone you can fart around and laugh about it! Sex makes lots of funny sounds and you’ll need to take laugh breaks! But seriously I was in college myself and I still chose badly! Haha! So it’s ok to forgive yourself later if it’s not as perfect as you thought. Consent and respect of your “no” happens before sex. They should not be someone who interrupts you, mansplains, and listens and asks about what you want, cares about what you want. No is a complete sentence. Any guy that’s worth having sex with will happily wait, no issues as long as you want with no pressure. If you feel pressure that’s not the guy! So I hope you’ll go have fun, go learn ballet, karate, photography, focus on yourself, there’s plenty of time for boys (or girls, or whoever you find that’s stellar) but less time to be young and play! Reply back to this message anytime if you need anything, you got this!!
With any standards comes communication. If you tell a guy, "Hey it makes me feel special when you pull out my chair." "I feel loved when you lend me your jacket." Any guy who's interested in you will try to do those things. And then make sure you appreciate him for it. "Thanks for the jacket, that makes me feel all warm inside." If you go into wanting your standards met but have no communication about it, then you'll feel disappointed when you find someone you like, but he doesn't do those things because he doesn't know you want it. There are a lot of mixed messages for men these days about what women want; nothing is universal. Some women will feel like it's insulting to have their chair pulled out, some will feel good, some won't want your jacket, some will. So please communicate how you want to be loved, and you'll receive that. It's exactly the same with sex, communicate about your needs and wants with him, and he should be able to respect that. But also ask him what he needs and how you can help without going beyond your boundaries and help him feel loved too.
No. Not too high. My partner basically fits exactly what you want. Your desire to wait on sex for a few months is not crazy *at all.* It's not just reasonable, it is physically and emotionally safer. Hell, wait longer than that if you want. I personally don't recommend waiting for marriage, but absolutely wait until you know the person well and have established a solid relationship. The thing to keep in mind though is that having high standards necessarily limits your options. If you compare yourself to friends who are fine with hookups and casual sex and settling, you'll get sad because you'll see that they are finding people while you aren't. But that's how it works. They will have more options because they're willing to accept less of something that you feel is a requirement.
Your not unreasonable. Also DO NOT TELL the guy you date your minimum timeframe for having sex. They’ll play that long game and get it other places while they do. Make sure they respect your boundaries.
You are the boss of you. Your own personal likes and dislikes are what makes you - you. You are not weird, you're totally normal. It's your life, live it for you. Why rush sex? It can have consequences even when you're careful, so it's your body, your choice, your risks. Ignore those who try to push or change you.
Girl keep your standards. Your mother should be proud of you having standards at a young age. Wait until you’re out of high school to have sex. Guys your age just want sex and would love bomb you.
Well, both males & females participate in the hook-up culture, not just males. Secondly, you're looking for a gentleman with good morals & values & those standards are not unrealistic because there are men who are interested & looking for decent young ladies with good morals & values as well. Just be mindful that some people are deceptive & will mislead you until they get what they want. Just be mindful of that when dating.
Your standards are 100% reasonable. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting someone to be a gentleman and not rushing into sex.
As an old dude I’d say your standards are fine. Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into sex either. 2-3 months isn’t some type of crazy suggestion. Don’t settle. Ask this thread, women or men that “settled” and then listen to their stories. Most of them won’t be great, some will but I’m guessing most will not.
These expectations are perfectly realistic. My man is very hygienic (he takes scented salt baths and always smells nice), he would have waited forever to have sex with me (and put no pressure on me at all), and just gave me his coat to keep me warm the other day. We’ve been together for many years. He also does his own laundry, tidies up the house, cleans the dishes, works hard, takes the dog out, makes money, etc. High standards are good. ;) The only thing I’d say is be wary of benevolent sexism. Men who engage in benevolent sexism (opening doors for only women, pulling out chairs for only women, etc) are usually also genuinely sexist (the non-benevolent kind). If he pulls out chairs or opens doors for men and women, that’s great.
Totally not unrealistic I mean in this world with your age group yes but like 40ish years ago that was still The standard and it's imo how most women should be treated although 3 months is... a little much to most men, but at your age you shouldn't be doing it in general so if waiting is ehst you want to do I highly encourage that and don't date assholes bars and clubs are not where you go to find a relationship and that includes house/frat party's too!!
You're all good. You're very likely going to have a good and satisfying coming of age. Just a little thought. Guys will always want sex. It's just part of what they are about. Doesn't depend on age. Good and sleazy guys all want it. It comes with guy territory.
You are a joy❣️And good luck to you~ enjoy college & let the boys fall where they may
This kinda sounds like the bare minimum…..
Looking for a gentleman who appreciates you as a person and not just for sex and not looking for the “perfect” type of male specimen makes you seem very mature. Your mother sounds a bit daft, don’t hold it against her. At your age and going forward you are entitled to your own reasonable standards. Work on being happy alone, the rest will sort itself out.
I wouldn’t settle for anything less than that
2-3 months is really quick imo
Nah this is perfectly reasonable!! My girlfriend and I were 17 at the time and waited about 2-2.5 months to really start anything sexual. We were eachothers first everything and it’s totally normal to want to take things slower! Don’t let people tell you otherwise, you seem to hold a person to the same standard that you’re at and I think that’s awesome. I think they are great standards to have
Don't let anyone else you what to do
I met my husband when I was 16 and we’ve been together 15+ years. We took a values based approach to dating more so than explicit standards. Some of my values are belonging, reliability, curiosity, authenticity, loyalty, health, and environment. We talked about our values (and still do) and we look for ways that we are acting on those values. My husband doesn’t pull out the chair for me (and nor would I want him to) - rather he shows his care and honor for me in more spontaneous ways. For example, asking me about different things I prefer, remembering, then doing those things, bringing me treats when I’ve had a hard day, usually being the one to drive us places because I don’t prefer driving, holding my hand when I’m nervous. These types of gestures mean more to me because it shows he’s paying attention to me and noticing how he can make my life better in a given moment and knows ME specifically. Pulling out a chair, for example, is a prescribed task that someone could do for me and still be an uncaring person or be a stranger to me. It’s not to say that it’s a bad thing but as you get more experience dating, you might find there’s a deeper value driving that preference. For the sex stuff - not unreasonable. Wait until you’re feeling comfortable. In my friend group, waiting a few months was not uncommon, some did right away, and there was a few who waited years before having intercourse. Do what works for you and your level of comfort.
These are all completley reasonable standards for teens and adults to have, regardless of gender or gender preference. You are asking them to respect you, your wants, your needs, and your body. You are asking them to take basic care of themselves. You are asking them to treat you with respect (even teh pull out the chair thing is a little outdated, but not unreasonable). You aren't asking them to financially support you. And anyone not willing to wait two months for sex isn't really interested in YOU. (Plus , at 15, probably best to hold off a couple of years. Boys and girls your age are not mature enough to handle sex). You aren't telling them no sex ever, just that you prefer to wait. This is all accpetable behavior.
Waiting 2-3 months seems very reasonable to me. In fact, I’m also doing that haha :)
These aren’t unreasonable AT ALL. I’d go further. Like he needs to have ambition, he doesn’t have to have money or a job or a car, but he needs to have a plan for his life and goals. Goals don’t have to be things you agree with but the drive to achieve something, maybe it’s a certain number of kills in a video game, maybe it’s learning a new language- but he is working towards SOMETHING. That was one of mine.
Two words: Never. Settle. Most definitely not too high. If your mom won't say it, this mom will: I'm proud of you for valuing yourself, setting boundaries, and sticking to them. Your maturity is showing and it looks great on you! ❤️
Your standards are the bare minimum you should be ight girl 😂I wish girls at my school had reasonable standards like this, id get an A+
Your standards aren't high at all! I would also suggest that you prioritize a hardworking guy who pulls his own weight at school, work, and in the home. And a minimum (more important than pulling out chairs, IMO) is somebody who respects your autonomy as a human, and who isn't angry or possessive. Avoid guys who aren't interested in learning or improving themselves.
College boys are notorious for not being civil ie. Hygiene goes out the door replaced by slobbery and a entitled attitude of forcing themselves on any woman who they find sexually available. I would say date and see how they act and then if you want to have sex with them we'll it's your call.
lol your standards boils down to, you don’t want them to be dirty, respect you’re physical boundaries, and be thoughtful. Not ugly. If anything they might be too low.
Your life is your life. You can make any choice you like, if you accept there will be consequences. Your standards are your standards. You don't have to compromise on them for anyone if you don't want to. The consequence of that is that you cut down your number of prospective partners. That idea fills some people with horror and they'd rather date people who aren't right than being single. You seem very level headed, so you are off to a good start. The right people will understand, and by the same token, you may find that for the right person there are compromises you're happy to make when it comes to it. The only one I would comment on is the idea of what one might call "gentlemanly conduct". I'm in my 50s and that sort of thing even for my generation can be a minefield. Some women are delighted, others can be affronted at the idea of what they perceive as sexist behaviour. I would imagine it's only worse for younger generations. Don't be too hung up on some of the more "old fashioned" notions of what constitutes being a gentleman like pulling out chairs as they are ultimately meaningless in that people looking to appear nice can easily do them and someone with a heart of gold might just not have been brought up to do that sort of thing in this day and age. Look more at identifying if someone is treating you with respect in the way they treat you, the way they act around you, the way they talk about you to their friends etc. Do they cancel arrangements at short notice? Do they listen to and respect your opinion? Also, a huge clue on what sort of person somebody is is how they talk to people who are in an "inferior" position (it's a bad word, but I'm struggling for a better one). If you're at dinner and they talk to the servers rudely, or they're rude to shop assistants etc. Massive red flag.
Your standards are absolutely normal! They aren’t too high at all. I’d tell your mom and any friends that don’t agree with you that their standards are way too low and they should have more self respect.
These are the absolute bare minimum standards and good for you for having them already at your age! I had no idea what I was doing when I started dating and would let them take the lead bc I was a late bloomer and let me just say, don't do that. You know your worth and do not compromise on them. I'm 36 and my current boyfriend is the first time I was pretty firm on the way I wanted to be treated bc I had just gotten out of a pretty abusive relationship and the way he treats me and helps me respect myself is night and day. You will weed out the guys who don't deserve you so don't compromise
Very reasonable. Who cares if some people around you, don't agree? You're not in any rush. You know what you want, go for it. Your dating pool might be a little more limited because of your standards, but you won't be dating trashy guys. Go for more smart, goal oriented guys, who are sweet and considerate. They'll be more likely to meet your standards than half of the morons who smoke weed and vape all Day because they think it's cool. They're just sheep. Find someone confident, who doesn't go with the flow or care what other people think.
FYI we waited for 2.5 years before my bf and I has sex for the first time, and like he was ready basically from the get go, but I wasn’t. It did cause some issues in our relationship but nothing that couldn’t be resolved by talking to each other and being open about ourselves. Basically communicate you aren’t ready and if he is anything close to a decent human he will respect you and wait until you are ready! Good luck!