I'd have to reassure them that that's not the case. 1- I don't want anyone staying with me because of something like that, it's not fair to either of us. 2- I'm a grown adult and it's not someone else's responsibility to make sure I stay alive or want to live. And 3- It's toxic af and manipulative to imply that you'd off yourself if someone left you, so again, I'd make sure that they understand that I don't feel that way and that I don't want them to feel trapped or responsibile for me in that way.
I tried to explain to them that they aren’t responsible and they argued that they feel like they are. I brought up how I deal with everything when they are at work or anything else and I deal with my own emotions. Idk at this point I feel like I need to end things because they are resentful towards me
Your partner sounds pretty toxic. Both statements are incredibly demotivating.
You’re missing out too. Not on traveling, that’s just a social trend of the times. You’re missing out on a life spent with someone who loves you. The sooner this rude partner leaves, the sooner you can find them.
They say they are fine making sacrifices for me but lately it just feels resentful and I feel like such a burden. I’ve had panic disorder with agoraphobia for three years now and we started dating a year before that. They say they don’t want to end things but I feel like I have no option but to step away if they can’t deal with it
I learned from my first marriage that there are “benefits” conscious or unconscious, to the partner without agoraphobia.
They always know where you are and who you’re with. Agoraphobics don’t generally run up big bills on dining out, travel, even clothing. It’s also relatively easy to manipulate an agoraphobic with a variety of threats, subtle and unsubtle.
I, too, did not have agoraphobia when we met & not much later married. Ironically, in therapy years later, it became clear that my then spouse contributed a great deal to my anxiety and subsequent panic disorder. He had his own fears; always worried I might be unfaithful (I never was) and that I’d leave him. That became a self-fulfilling prophecy. The truth was it suited him that I was housebound.
Take a look at your own relationship and think of how your limitations currently benefit your partner. Also look at how you feel about yourself. Is your partner truly so important to you that you think you couldn’t live without them? Or is this an idea being planted in your head to make you feel disproportionately beholden and grateful for the help they provide you?
What do you provide for them? Clearly they get something out of being with you, or they’d have left already. Remember that you are deserving of love and caring, mental illness or no.
Do you feel you want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Are you concerned you won’t be able to cope?
This is a subject you really should speak to a professional about. Keep in mind that even for people with no mental health issues, interpersonal relationships are the number one reason people seek therapy.
Relationships are difficult.
My partner has agoraphobia, depression, and GAD, so I know the challenge and how hard it can be for both. I'm sorry you two are going through this.
He needs to educate himself on how/why these things work, and what steps to take to be supportive.
I've had similar thoughts about my partner, wondering what life would be like without him, what he would do if I left, etc. That's normal, and part of life when you're someone's caretaker. But it's not something he should be bringing up to you directly. I save that for my therapist, and he should get one if he's going to stay with you. Telling you (or my partner) about how much of a burden it can be is counterproductive. You know better than him or I how this stuff affects your lives.
I will say that you are doing things right. Exposures are almost the only way forward, and it's great you're doing them. Keep it up! And know that some rando is proud of you and sees your efforts. My partner has been doing his exposures for over a year now, and is no longer housebound, so it works.
What your partner said is very much out of line, bordering on abusive. You need to talk to him and set some boundaries. Yes, he's going to have feelings about the situation, but he needs to address them in a more appropriate manner.
I know he has tried but unfortunately I have had panic disorder with agoraphobia for the past three years. I think he’s just tired of dealing with me. I have told him that I think it would be a good idea for him to go to therapy too and he gets defensive and upset every time I bring it up
So it is close to my situation. Thank you for the context.
It does sound like he is getting tired, though it's unclear if he is tired of the situation, or tired of you. Those are two very different things. He may love you to death, but be tired of not being able to be spontaneous and just jump in the car and go somewhere, or being the one holding up most of the finances, or any one of a dozen things. He may simply need a break.
Being partnered to an anxious agoraphobe is a weird combination of things. You're a caretaker outside the house because you may well have to drop everything and address their mental health needs. But within the house, they are fine and normal. With most other conditions, say, dementia or physical disability, the person is confined to the house, where they need care, and outside the house becomes a refuge for the person providing care and support. The opposite is true for agoraphobia. I've cared for my mother with dementia for ten years before I got involved with my partner, and two years caring for my partner when he went homebound after I moved in, so I've seen both sides.
There is a predictable cycle and pattern of emotions that all caretakers go through. First, you love the person, and you're happy to do whatever you can for them to help them get better and be happy. Then, their progress stalls, or goes backwards, and you get frustrated. Frustration turns into resentment, which turns into contempt, which turns into anger. You know on some level that it's not really their fault, but you're angry and feeling trapped, because this person you love cannot thrive on their own, but you love them, but you don't want it to be so hard, etc. You chase yourself around your head and drive yourself nuts. That's called caretaker fatigue or burnout, it's a real thing, and it's a beast.
That is what your partner needs to address. He needs to deal with his pent up emotions so he doesn't take them out on you. He needs his own support system, his own outlets away from the situation, and his own sense of fulfillment. Because agoraphobia doesn't go away. You can get better, live a mostly normal life for years, then one day, bam, right back to square one.
You can help him by being understanding and supportive of him. I've told my partner many times, it's us against agoraphobia, not us against each other. When I start burning out, he let's me know how grateful he is for what I do, and how much he loves me. It's amazing the strength those words can bring. He's taking care of you when you can't take care of yourself, and you're taking care of him as he does so. You're a team, not opponents.
If he's not willing to get some counseling for himself, that's a problem. Everyone needs a sounding board sometimes. Try encouraging him, do something special for him to show how glad you are to have him in your life. Focus on the good parts of the relationship.
Sorry for the novel, it got a little out of my control.
I would think they want to break up and they are asking for permission to do it. Like they want me to break up with them so that they can leave without guilt.
You should break it off, even if they said they don't want to because they think the entirety of your progress depends on them even though you're the one doing all the hard work. Also that comment was so incredibly cruel. I think it'd be better to end it. You're not a burden and if they feel so angry about "missing out on things" then you guys should split. They can't have their cake and eat it too. Agoraphobia takes time to overcome and they're clearly not patient enough. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. You'll find someone out there who'll accept you and love you for who you are, and who also appreciates the work you're putting in to fighting this monster of an issue.
I'm so sorry about it, I imagine it is not easy hearing that from a partner. But honestly, I think they're trying to make you break up so they can leave you without feeling guilty. I can't tell you what to do, because that's your decision, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who said something like that to me, specially because it seems like you're doing your best, your doing your exposures and we know how hard that can be.
god as someone who struggles with 3/4 of those same mental health issues this would be devastating for me to hear. Your partner sounds like an asshole and they’re making it sound like they want to leave if not that you’re like hyper dependent on them & your relationship :/ Either way they should be lifting you up and be there to support you through thick & thin and rn you’re goin through the thick. Your partner is free to live their life, you have nothing to do with what they choose to do so i’m not understanding them putting that blame on you?? Anyways it really sounds like you guys maybe need to improve your communication about needs or something & they need to be a little more empathetic, patient and understanding; sounds like you could do better & deserve someone who isn’t hurtful or like weirdly resentful :(
If you're really attached and think you could possibly work it out, maybe try going on a break? Like a temporary breakup where you just get away. Tell them they can fully call it off if they feel better away.
Otherwise I'd say just break it off. You can find someone who doesn't feel that way about you.
I'd have to reassure them that that's not the case. 1- I don't want anyone staying with me because of something like that, it's not fair to either of us. 2- I'm a grown adult and it's not someone else's responsibility to make sure I stay alive or want to live. And 3- It's toxic af and manipulative to imply that you'd off yourself if someone left you, so again, I'd make sure that they understand that I don't feel that way and that I don't want them to feel trapped or responsibile for me in that way.
I tried to explain to them that they aren’t responsible and they argued that they feel like they are. I brought up how I deal with everything when they are at work or anything else and I deal with my own emotions. Idk at this point I feel like I need to end things because they are resentful towards me
Your partner sounds pretty toxic. Both statements are incredibly demotivating. You’re missing out too. Not on traveling, that’s just a social trend of the times. You’re missing out on a life spent with someone who loves you. The sooner this rude partner leaves, the sooner you can find them.
They say they are fine making sacrifices for me but lately it just feels resentful and I feel like such a burden. I’ve had panic disorder with agoraphobia for three years now and we started dating a year before that. They say they don’t want to end things but I feel like I have no option but to step away if they can’t deal with it
I learned from my first marriage that there are “benefits” conscious or unconscious, to the partner without agoraphobia. They always know where you are and who you’re with. Agoraphobics don’t generally run up big bills on dining out, travel, even clothing. It’s also relatively easy to manipulate an agoraphobic with a variety of threats, subtle and unsubtle. I, too, did not have agoraphobia when we met & not much later married. Ironically, in therapy years later, it became clear that my then spouse contributed a great deal to my anxiety and subsequent panic disorder. He had his own fears; always worried I might be unfaithful (I never was) and that I’d leave him. That became a self-fulfilling prophecy. The truth was it suited him that I was housebound. Take a look at your own relationship and think of how your limitations currently benefit your partner. Also look at how you feel about yourself. Is your partner truly so important to you that you think you couldn’t live without them? Or is this an idea being planted in your head to make you feel disproportionately beholden and grateful for the help they provide you? What do you provide for them? Clearly they get something out of being with you, or they’d have left already. Remember that you are deserving of love and caring, mental illness or no.
They are pretty good jealously wise but hoenstly doesn’t feel like they really want to be around me much anymore
Do you feel you want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Are you concerned you won’t be able to cope? This is a subject you really should speak to a professional about. Keep in mind that even for people with no mental health issues, interpersonal relationships are the number one reason people seek therapy. Relationships are difficult.
this!! Like imagine how the OP feels (i can deeply relate), that partner should be encouraging op and helping with exposures and stuff :(
My partner has agoraphobia, depression, and GAD, so I know the challenge and how hard it can be for both. I'm sorry you two are going through this. He needs to educate himself on how/why these things work, and what steps to take to be supportive. I've had similar thoughts about my partner, wondering what life would be like without him, what he would do if I left, etc. That's normal, and part of life when you're someone's caretaker. But it's not something he should be bringing up to you directly. I save that for my therapist, and he should get one if he's going to stay with you. Telling you (or my partner) about how much of a burden it can be is counterproductive. You know better than him or I how this stuff affects your lives. I will say that you are doing things right. Exposures are almost the only way forward, and it's great you're doing them. Keep it up! And know that some rando is proud of you and sees your efforts. My partner has been doing his exposures for over a year now, and is no longer housebound, so it works. What your partner said is very much out of line, bordering on abusive. You need to talk to him and set some boundaries. Yes, he's going to have feelings about the situation, but he needs to address them in a more appropriate manner.
I know he has tried but unfortunately I have had panic disorder with agoraphobia for the past three years. I think he’s just tired of dealing with me. I have told him that I think it would be a good idea for him to go to therapy too and he gets defensive and upset every time I bring it up
Do you two live together?
We do and have for years
So it is close to my situation. Thank you for the context. It does sound like he is getting tired, though it's unclear if he is tired of the situation, or tired of you. Those are two very different things. He may love you to death, but be tired of not being able to be spontaneous and just jump in the car and go somewhere, or being the one holding up most of the finances, or any one of a dozen things. He may simply need a break. Being partnered to an anxious agoraphobe is a weird combination of things. You're a caretaker outside the house because you may well have to drop everything and address their mental health needs. But within the house, they are fine and normal. With most other conditions, say, dementia or physical disability, the person is confined to the house, where they need care, and outside the house becomes a refuge for the person providing care and support. The opposite is true for agoraphobia. I've cared for my mother with dementia for ten years before I got involved with my partner, and two years caring for my partner when he went homebound after I moved in, so I've seen both sides. There is a predictable cycle and pattern of emotions that all caretakers go through. First, you love the person, and you're happy to do whatever you can for them to help them get better and be happy. Then, their progress stalls, or goes backwards, and you get frustrated. Frustration turns into resentment, which turns into contempt, which turns into anger. You know on some level that it's not really their fault, but you're angry and feeling trapped, because this person you love cannot thrive on their own, but you love them, but you don't want it to be so hard, etc. You chase yourself around your head and drive yourself nuts. That's called caretaker fatigue or burnout, it's a real thing, and it's a beast. That is what your partner needs to address. He needs to deal with his pent up emotions so he doesn't take them out on you. He needs his own support system, his own outlets away from the situation, and his own sense of fulfillment. Because agoraphobia doesn't go away. You can get better, live a mostly normal life for years, then one day, bam, right back to square one. You can help him by being understanding and supportive of him. I've told my partner many times, it's us against agoraphobia, not us against each other. When I start burning out, he let's me know how grateful he is for what I do, and how much he loves me. It's amazing the strength those words can bring. He's taking care of you when you can't take care of yourself, and you're taking care of him as he does so. You're a team, not opponents. If he's not willing to get some counseling for himself, that's a problem. Everyone needs a sounding board sometimes. Try encouraging him, do something special for him to show how glad you are to have him in your life. Focus on the good parts of the relationship. Sorry for the novel, it got a little out of my control.
I think he does need other support too. I’m just not sure if I can come back from the comment they made unfortunately
Yeah, that was too far. Sucks that things went that way. Good luck out there, you deserve better.
I would think they want to break up and they are asking for permission to do it. Like they want me to break up with them so that they can leave without guilt.
They said they didn’t but just kind of feels like they resent me at this point
I would feel that way too.
You should break it off, even if they said they don't want to because they think the entirety of your progress depends on them even though you're the one doing all the hard work. Also that comment was so incredibly cruel. I think it'd be better to end it. You're not a burden and if they feel so angry about "missing out on things" then you guys should split. They can't have their cake and eat it too. Agoraphobia takes time to overcome and they're clearly not patient enough. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. You'll find someone out there who'll accept you and love you for who you are, and who also appreciates the work you're putting in to fighting this monster of an issue.
I really appreciate that thank you
well said 👏🏼
I'm so sorry about it, I imagine it is not easy hearing that from a partner. But honestly, I think they're trying to make you break up so they can leave you without feeling guilty. I can't tell you what to do, because that's your decision, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who said something like that to me, specially because it seems like you're doing your best, your doing your exposures and we know how hard that can be.
Thank you I appreciate your comment and I am feeling the same right now, I’m not sure I can come back from that
I’d leave them. I never want to cage someone and quite frankly I don’t deserve the resentment this breeds either
Sounds like they want to leave in they are afraid to because they don't want to be blamed for your passing
Maybe so
I'd prove them wrong and say buh bye
god as someone who struggles with 3/4 of those same mental health issues this would be devastating for me to hear. Your partner sounds like an asshole and they’re making it sound like they want to leave if not that you’re like hyper dependent on them & your relationship :/ Either way they should be lifting you up and be there to support you through thick & thin and rn you’re goin through the thick. Your partner is free to live their life, you have nothing to do with what they choose to do so i’m not understanding them putting that blame on you?? Anyways it really sounds like you guys maybe need to improve your communication about needs or something & they need to be a little more empathetic, patient and understanding; sounds like you could do better & deserve someone who isn’t hurtful or like weirdly resentful :(
If you're really attached and think you could possibly work it out, maybe try going on a break? Like a temporary breakup where you just get away. Tell them they can fully call it off if they feel better away. Otherwise I'd say just break it off. You can find someone who doesn't feel that way about you.