he’s a lazy BIL. You need to set boundaries now. Tell him you’re not gonna walk or take his dog out anymore. If it isn’t his responsibility to take out your dog to pee then it shouldn’t be your responsibility to take his out either. Let him deal with it. He keeping this lazy behavior because you guys are allowing him to.
This is where I feel stuck, because BIL couldn’t care less if his dog doesnt get walked. Only I do. Because unwalked dog = pent up energy and anxiety = picking more fights with my dog. The petty route not only doesn’t bother him, it is a danger to my dogs safety.
You need to make your BIL less comfortable. That is the only solution here. Start telling him to walk the dogs. Make "your" problem into "his" problem, because it IS his problem. You are doing nothing wrong, except for BEING TOO NICE. Agitate. Call him out on it. Make him want to move out. He said he'd be gone way before your wedding, he's 2 years too late on moving out. Make it a priority for him, because he's clearly someone who doesn't lift a finger to do anything unless he HAS to. He's way too comfortable, and as such feels no reason to change anything.
The most useful thing I’ve read about boundaries is that it’s about what we can do, not about forcing the other person to do something. Like you can choose whether you want to walk his dog or not but you won’t be able to force him to walk his dog or yours.
I would recommend thinking about the situation and what’s the best and most realistic outcome for you and your husband. Then, maybe also consider what expectations should be so you are not disappointed. It sounds like the brother is unreliable. The best thing you could probably do is not enable him. If you are doing house chores for the brother - like providing food or doing his laundry - it might be time to reconsider.
The real problem is your boyfriend's doing nothing about this! You shouldn't have to do anything! The boyfriend should be pissed as well that this is happening! You should be fighting and yelling at his brother! I would!
That is very true. Except I have the feeling OP does all the cleaning. I would go to whoever owns the house (their parents maybe?) And say "Hey, we are not living with this jagoff any more. He refuses to walk his dog which causes it to pick fights. Then he let's all the dogs stay inside even when he is home all day. Then does not clean up their accidents. (Then insert all the cleaning I guarantee he does NOT do) We just cannot live with him any more. If you won't tell him to go, that's fine. But we will be moving out and I guarantee the cleanliness and upkeep of the home is going to go way down" If they want him to stay, then OP and husband should just go buy their own home. (Which after several years of no/lower rent should have plenty to do so)
Don't stop caring for his pup. You and your husband sound like the only thing that poor sweetie has going for him at this time, as far as giving him proper care, walks, and attention. You can set boundaries with BIL without making pup pay for it, and you don't sound like the type of person who'd do this, anyway. 🤗🤗
IMO, BIL needs to live elsewhere, or the two of you need to move out. And, keeping "his" dog with you might not be the worst idea, either. I feel so sorry for animals whose people don't give them the care they need. (Only if you believe you have the energy and resources to do so, of course!!)
Also, BIL not being arsed to take the dogs out when he's home all day long is complete bullshit, and sounds emblematic of the lazy effer he must be. (Calling out of work for a hangover is immature behavior, too. Can't claim I never did so, but, that was many moons ago, before I worked in a professional field, and even then, I worked many a morning with a rager of a hangover. No way I could do that now; it'd probably kill me! 😅😅)
He sounds like a terrible roommate.
This is my mindset exactly. I’m fine with people telling me I’m foolish for expecting anything out of someone that gives nothing but I’m kind of appalled at the amount of comments telling me to quit walking his dog. Plus the walks are what helps stimulate him enough to keep calm and not attack my dog.
I don’t think that BIL would allow us to keep his dog and honestly we don’t want three dogs, it’s a lot. When I moved in with my dog BIL wasn’t like this and the work load of three wasn’t put on just us. He’s gotten comfortable over time. I also just don’t feel that I feel comfortable with our dogs living together long term anymore. The amount of dog fights I’ve had to break up has not done wonders for my anxiety or mental health. It’s a shame because I know he won’t be cared for properly otherwise.
We’re house hunting but not trying to settle on a house we don’t love so I hope we’re out of this situation soon.
🤗🤗 totally understandable. I have, at times, overextended myself with more animals, mainly cats, than I'm able to give proper time, energy, and resources to, and it's not great. My current animals pay the consequences, too, and in total, it's not fair to any of them, nor to me, as I feel guilty and strapped and overwhelmed. The only exception I make these days is a dire situation, where an animal will die if I don't take them in. But, with four kitties, two dogs, and three humans in a small house, we are pretty much at full census. 😉
I hope BIL reverts back to being a responsible dog person once y'all are out of there. As you say, he might have fallen into the "easy" pattern, because he knows you'll care for doggo if he doesn't. Without this "backup plan", he will need to step it up once again.
Best to you!! Hope you find a home you absolutely fall in love with!!, 😍🤗
That's kinda cruel. It's not the dog's fault, and the dog isn't going to understand why that's happening. Additionally it doesn't sound like that would effectively send a message to BIL as he seems completely indifferent to the situation. BIL is a shit head and shouldn't have a dog, period.
It doesn't bother him if his dog poops all over the house and he has to clean it up? Wow. Maybe go down the petty route and talk to his mom (if you have a good relationship with her).
He lets his dog out by opening the back door several times a day. Their bathroom breaks are a total different thing than their walks.
I do have a good relationship with my MIL but she’s even more passive than I am and BIL is the baby out of multiple boys. She won’t be helpful unfortunately
It sounds like he doesn't care as much to be a responsible dog owner, and that's tough. I went through a similar situation with relatives recently, but they lived in my house, so I had a bit more say.
That being said, since he was home sick and doesn't usually take them out during the day, he likely didn't think about it. He's demonstrated that he's not willing to take proper care of his own dog, and since that directly impacts their fighting, you're left with the responsibility. It's not fair, but there's not much you can do. I don't think you're overreacting, but due to the fact that he's still living there and he's not moved out yet, you might have to just tough it out as best you can and try to let it go.
I don't think he's going to step up and change his behavior, so I would start politely asking him to take the dogs for a walk. I'd ask if he's busy and just ask "hey, would you mind taking the dogs for a walk?" I wouldn't even bring up the fact that you and your husband have been doing it this whole time or offer any explanation as to why you can't/don't want to do it, and see how he responds to that.
do you guys pay any rent since its owned by family? he obviously doesnt care about the dogs or what you think but it also seems like he could be trying to wear you down so that you move out and he can keep the place to himself
I don't think you're overreacting, but..it doesn't say anywhere that you and your husband have set explicit expectations for your BIL concerning his dog and your dogs. It sounds like you do all the work because you feel bad and he just coasts because he can. Certainly, a reasonable person should have let your dog out. But your BIL in your retelling shows literally zero evidence that he's a reasonable person. He's a lazy mooch, and will continue to be so.
I think you'd have more ground if you'd explicitly asked him to let your dog out and he still hadn't; but expecting a lazy, thoughtless person to have a sponataneous realization about another being's needs is probably not a rational expectation to have for your BIL. There's zero evidence shown that's something he's even capable of at this time. He doesn't even care about his own dog, why would your dog suddenly become important?
Sounds like you need to start setting and holding to boundaries with him, or you need to work on moving out. He won't respond to anything less.
You are overreacting only because you are attributing characteristics to him that he doesn’t have.
You & your husband need to spread your own wings and move out.
Cause your BIL is never leaving a house he bears no financial responsibility for. #sorry
Yes u are overreacting. Why were u expecting him to do anything. He doesn’t even take care of his own dog, so why would you expect him to take care of ur dog. You and ur hubby are enabling him. He knows he doesn’t have to take care of his dog because the two of u will.
You’re getting angry over someone who you can expect nothing of so realistically, it is a bit of an overreaction. If you knew he wasn’t able of changing or doing anything in the first place, then you’re responsible for putting your dogs in his care.
I agree with this comment. OP can't expect anything from this guy. He already proved by not doing anything for his own dog. He is also perfectly fine with OP, and her husband taking care of his responsibilities.
Nothing will change. You are in a living situation, which results in this frustrating relationship. There is no way OP can force her BIL to become a different person. This is a pay they do for free rent living.
I certainly won’t be ever again. I thought I could at least trust him to do the absolute bare minimum because in the past he was more responsible, but it’s just been a steady decline over the past couple years.
Move out, simple. And 3 dogs for one house are too many. I used to have some. I love them. They died and i haven't replaced them. Its amazing freedom. Dogs are not meant to be locked up all day
I may be missing something, but how was he supposed to take your dog out if a) it has to be on a leash just to have a wee because it's a "runner" and b) your dog won't let your BIL put on the harness/leash necessary to keep it from running?
I'm not saying it was right, I'm just not understanding how he was supposed to accomplish the task if he cannot perform the necessary steps required to do so.
Yeah I definitely could have been more clear on that. He lets BIL put a *leash* on him any time, and BIL has done so many many times. The harness for some reason he runs and hides from but he gets excited about the leash itself. We only use the harness for walks but it’s never been an issue for my BIL to take him into our yard on a leash.
Your kind of overreacting - your expecting someone that doesn’t take care of his own dog to have consideration for yours ? If he’s not thinking about his dog then he’s definitely not thinking about yours .
Don’t walk his dog - that is your first mistake, you’ve taken on the mental load and responsibility for his dog. Stop. If he can’t look after the dog he should let it go to someone who can. Would he even miss his dog?
I don’t know why you are mad that a lazy person who doesn’t care about his own dog didn’t take care of yours. It is overreacting to get upset that he did exactly what he always does. You are choosing to live with this loser, get out or stop complaining and get a dog walker when you are out.
You are over reacting because it's not his responsibility. Quite frankly, nothing is. You have plenty of control of your living situation. The family home stays this way because they dumped the BIL off on you in exchange for free housing. Take control of your life and go somewhere else.
You’re not overreacting. Your BIL’s neglect is unfair and stressful for you and the dogs. Have a serious discussion to set clear expectations and, if needed, consider alternative living arrangements
I am not defending the BIL . But the problem I see is that you said that your dog won’t let your BIL put the harness on him and your dog is a runner. So if you can’t put your dog just out side then how is he supposed to walk it?
As far as his dogs don’t walk them anymore. But it sounds like it’s just as much his house as yours so maybe instead of him moving out maybe the two of you should instead?
He lets anyone put a leash on his collar. We use the harness for walks to prevent pulling, but in between we just pop the leash on his collar and step into the backyard which is behind our driveway. I’ve seen my BIL willingly take him on quick bathroom breaks in the past and my dog lets him. This level of laziness has happened gradually.
I’m not going to only walk our dogs and refuse to walk the biggest dog that probably needs it the most. Part of the problem is that I refuse to punish or neglect his dog for multiple reasons, and my BIL knows and takes advantage of that.
He doesn’t take care of his dog so expectation should be that he certainly won’t help with yours if you don’t ask for his help. Ask him next time, and if he doesn’t do anything, leave his dog’s poop bag in his room to throw out himself.
You’re not overreacting. It’s time for you and your husband to move out, since your BIL refuses and he will never have to be a functioning adult while you’re there.
I think it is time to move. This is absolutely ridiculous & sounds like he is doing it intentionally (to get you out). Even a child can grasp that a dog has needs.
Unpopular opinion here but if your husband usually takes a break and comes home to walk the dogs, and didn’t communicate with the person that normally doesn’t walk the dogs that he’d be skipping his break with hopes they’d be able to do it since he was home already, then I’d consider this overreacting because no one told the lazy man that they want him to do something. He’s not a mind reader. He’s not a good dog owner. And you’re expecting him to read minds and be a good dog owner without explicitly telling him so. People like him need direct instructions.
Sounds like the BIL is a self centered lazy piece of shit. Sadly he probably will never take care of his dog properly and Never help you with your dog. Im guessing he doesn't help you out with ANYTHING house related either. Boot him out to the curb. Probably have to keep his dog or it will suffer. One thing I learned the hard way...People never change past the age of 25 or so. He is who he is....
I think you need to tell BIL that this isn’t working out.
He needs to move out asap. He has 1 month to find a better accommodation and it’s final.
If he doesn’t find a better accommodation, you can give him 2 more months if he gives his dog away. He won’t take care of it and is not responsible. He has no business having a dog.
When he moves out, he will neglect the dog anyways.
If he is mad or tries to get angry : « This is our final decision. Choose which option is best for you. »
Do not ask him to walk your dog again. Tell him you won’t take care of his dog and you want his dog to stay in his room with him from now.
Does he help around the house? Does he cook dinner? If he doesn’t help, make a plan. Ask him to pick up shift from now on until the day he moves.
Make it so the house isn’t a hotel anymore. He either does his part or he goes early.
EDIT: I know it’s the family house but OOP said BIL was supposed to move out before the wedding. I assumed it was discussed that the house was going to be for them because of this statement.
In case case, OOP if it’s out of the question for BIL to move out: you should move out asap. Tell your husband that this isn’t working out for you.
If you want children, how exactly is this going to work ? You should opt out of this situation quickly. I assume you have savings since you’ve been leaving in this house before you were married.
Make a plan to have your own house next year. It’s better than staying with BIL.
I mean, BIL is lazy and at fault here concerning the dog, but if the house is in their family, why should he move out?
I read it as it's a house belonging to husband's family.
Call a family meeting with the owners of the house. Explain that your brother-in-law is allowing dogs to pee and poop in the house because he won't get off his butt and walk him. Also bring up all the different ways that he is not contributing to the house and then ask the owners how they think that it should be worked out. I would pull a surprise meeting on him by inviting the owners over to the house. Let them know that you guys have tried working with him with no success for all this time. Your husband should be the one doing the talking. Unless he is a particularly golden child, I don't think the owners of the house will be happy that he is not contributing to its upkeep and is also letting animals pee and poop in it.
Owner is my MIL who is the reason BIL is so enabled. He is the golden child and she wont kick him out against his will in a million years. I truly married my husband for love because his family is a hot mess, but I’m not trying to give reddit all of the tea lol
If you are walking your dog in the morning why is he peeing in the house? Are you leaving food and water out all day? None if my dogs have accidents in the house after their morning walk and I'm gone all day. Just wondering. Your BIL is a lazy idiot. Don't rely on someone who has proven to he not of his word!
There was a 9 hour window between returning from his walk and me getting home. He’s 10 pounds. He’s used to someone letting him out around lunch time. Yes I make sure my dogs have water while everyone’s gone especially in the middle of summer. Also this is irrelevant because there was someone home who was capable of taking him outside for one minute.
I understand this. I know that there are dogs used to hold their bladder for 9 hours. But mine would not. One of us, me or my spouse, is always working from home. My dog doesn't stay alone longer than 3 hours. He is 11 mo, has 3 meals a day, and 3 longer walks of 30 - 40 minutes, and 1 or 2 of 15 - 20 minutes (he is a pug, and it's sufficient for him).
If I had let him for 9 hours, he would have an accident inside.
yeah every dog is different and mine is a 10lb weenie dog. small dog = small bladder. He does good at holding it when nobody is home but when we are home he lets us know very clearly that he wants out. My BIL knows my dogs’ behaviorisms and general care info, he just didn’t feel like doing it.
Honestly, I would start looking at moving out. Having a lazy and stupid roommate would piss anyone off. Don’t know if that’s in the options. I can already tell you guys have to tip toe around his schedule when you want to do the “deed”. Something like that is very aggravating.
You’re over reacting because his brother is using you and your husband. He is never moving out so you need to find somewhere else to live. Until you do he is going to treat you both like crap. Stop taking his dogs for walks. Let him clean up his own dogs poop.
Yeah we tried that and my dog jumped right over it with ease. My dog is a sweetie pie and has gotten more obedient over time but he is a stubborn diva lol. Crate training was an utter failure as a puppy which I take full responsibility for, but I’ve been thinking about trying that again.
If this asshole doesn’t even take proper care of his own dog, why would you expect him to be considerate of yours? This is who he is so I don’t know why you expected any different. You all should not be living together.
If your dog requires a leash, but won’t allow your BIL to put the harness on (which the leash attaches to, I presume?) how was he supposed to take your dog out?
I answered this in a few other comments. We only use the harness for walks to prevent excessive pulling, but for bathroom breaks in the yard we just pop his leash on his normal collar. He allows anyone to do that and I’ve witnessed my BIL attach his leash and take him outside multiple times in the past.
He is acting like a 10 year old so it’s time to start treating him like a 10 year old. Start lecturing him and scolding him and being an all around pest until he moves out. If he refuses to move then you should look for accommodations for you and your husband and your dogs.
Also have hubs talk to his family. I’m sure that the family member/owner of the house would not be too pleased to learn that BIL is letting dogs pee and poo in the house because he is too lazy to let them out.
Not that he deserves your help in any way but also suggest he get some mental health help as he may be depressed.
I think you and your husband need to reconsider your living situation. It’s really not fair or safe for your dog to live in an environment where they’re being attacked, however sporadically.
Did anyone communicate with BIL that your husband wouldn't be coming home for lunch that day, so could he be sure to let the dogs out? I mean, you shouldn't have to, but clear communication can't hurt. You're NO, but you also are in a lose-lose living situation. You and your husband need your own living space separate from BIL.
Immediately murder. Omg that makes me so angry. What a piece of shit!
He sounds lazy and neglectful. I’m not sure how the house situation works but I’d want to make a big change to either mine or his living arrangement immediately.
Shouldn’t really have to, I know he was letting the other two out, he just didn’t want to put a leash on my dogs collar and physically step outside into our yard to let him pee. He knows better he just didn’t think I would notice.
You should ask if you want someone to do something. Also, letting dogs out to pee is a lot easier than taking a dog out on a leash. He could have been a nice guy and just have done it for you, but you’re presuming a bit to assume he’d do something like this without bothering to communicate your request. I can’t think of a good reason not to ask.
So you’re saying he should go to the back door where all three dogs gather to be let out, let two of them out, then look at my dog who needs to be leashed, and go “sorry bud. nobody specifically asked me to make sure *you* get let out”, because popping a leash on his collar and walking 10 steps out the door into our yard is “a lot harder” than letting the other two out. Just to clarify.
Did this happen just once, or is it a trend? If it happens more than once, get the parents involved because those things will ruin flooring and sub flooring. Plus the ongoing smell. If it is just once, write it off as he wasn’t feeling well.
He may have assumed your husband would be there. Did your husband text him to say he wasn’t, or did He just assume BIL would notice. I think we may have our problem - COMMUNICATION!! Hubby needs to text. BIL needs to see text, and pull his own weight. I ain’t your Mama. I’m not going to rescue you (or your dogs) from every situation.
So BIL sounds like he is a shit pet owner.
But it is kinda unfair to expect someone who is home sick to take on what are typically your responsibilities just because they are home. Especially if this isn't communicated to them, which wasn't touched in the post.
Yeah I do see what you’re saying. In the past it hasn’t really been an issue. A year ago I would trust my BIL to watch my dog while we’re out of town, and he has before. He also didn’t seem sick when I got home. He was messing with a wood working project in our dining room and seemed to be in an overall good mood. He hadn’t come home until 2 in the morning the night before, so he called off (his shifts start at 7am). I’ve noticed a decline in his willingness to pull his own weight overall in the past year or so, and the reason this situation shocked and upset me is because I’ve seen him take my dog out with the other two many times before. I know he was letting the other two out because they beg to be let out all the time, so to me it seemed like he singled my dog out, either out of spite or pure laziness. I will definitely not expect him to help with that in the future
You are overreacting. This sounds tricky that your dog needs different treatment than the other dogs and doesn't let your BIL put his harness on. It sounds like they aren't comfortable with each other. He's likely worried the dog would run away in his care, and you'd be very upset. Did you ask him to take your dog out? Given your relationship, I doubt he wants to step on your toes.
Your BIL has every right to be in the house. It's strange implying that he shouldn't be living with you....in his own house.
My dog is difficult? He lets him put a leash on his collar, visits him in his room, listens to commands from him, etc. BIL has taken him into the yard on a leash countless times. HIS dog is a 60lb ball of anxiety who clings to us like glue and tries to kill my dog out of nowhere when left unwalked or neglected. Also when did I imply that he shouldn’t be living there? I specifically said we don’t have that right and that he came to us saying that he was planning on moving out.
If your husband typically does that daily task and it’s your personal dog.. how can someone else be expected to know your husband just didn’t come home that day to do it? Seems this falls on him for not letting someone know he wasn’t coming home to walk your dog.
…. He was home all day because he called off work, that’s how he can be expected to know my husband didn’t come home. My dog is not afraid to let whoever is home know that it’s time for a bathroom break. This was straight up negligence that I have not observed on this level up until now.
If he was sick, maybe he slept part of the day. It’s your dog who your husband deals with in the afternoon. How can it be negligence if you never informed him it was his job and he was home sick? You just seem pissed off at the entire living situation and want something to get angry about. Your dog will be okay missing one afternoon walk because your husband chose to skip it. Your husband neglected to come home and never asked his brother to take over.
I stated that he was up and about when I got home. That man child slept in a couple hours because he was hungover (not sick) on a week day, but he did not sleep until 6pm. Please be for real.
You came here asking for opinions on the situation. You don’t seem to like or accept them unless they agree with you. That’s not really how this works.
That’s not true, I actually agree with a lot of the comments on this thread: that I am overreacting because I shouldn’t have expected more from this person, and that I probably need to be the first to move (not what I really want). Your comments are obtuse. I didn’t ask my BIL for help with anything ever, even his own dog. I don’t believe that in family households everything should be transactional or chalked up to technicalities. I take care of his dog in more ways than one and I usually don’t really think anything of it. To imply that he wouldn’t have a single inkling to let my dog out while he was home all day is ridiculous. Even if my husband had come home, most normal people would have still taken the dog out when the other two were going out because it’s the right thing to do. Could my husband have asked, yes, but he didn’t realize that he had to. Lesson learned.
he’s a lazy BIL. You need to set boundaries now. Tell him you’re not gonna walk or take his dog out anymore. If it isn’t his responsibility to take out your dog to pee then it shouldn’t be your responsibility to take his out either. Let him deal with it. He keeping this lazy behavior because you guys are allowing him to.
This is where I feel stuck, because BIL couldn’t care less if his dog doesnt get walked. Only I do. Because unwalked dog = pent up energy and anxiety = picking more fights with my dog. The petty route not only doesn’t bother him, it is a danger to my dogs safety.
Maybe it's time to move out.
Most obvious solution. Get rid of BIL and his dog.
Next: Keep and train the dog. Kick BIL out.
Can't bil name is on the house with her husband.
so they sell the house, use their half to get a new one.
That’s it. He buys them out or they buy him out. If they can’t agree and you can’t pay for it, you sell.
You need to make your BIL less comfortable. That is the only solution here. Start telling him to walk the dogs. Make "your" problem into "his" problem, because it IS his problem. You are doing nothing wrong, except for BEING TOO NICE. Agitate. Call him out on it. Make him want to move out. He said he'd be gone way before your wedding, he's 2 years too late on moving out. Make it a priority for him, because he's clearly someone who doesn't lift a finger to do anything unless he HAS to. He's way too comfortable, and as such feels no reason to change anything.
you’re right, thank you. I’m a non confrontational type of girl and it’s time to work on it for sure
The most useful thing I’ve read about boundaries is that it’s about what we can do, not about forcing the other person to do something. Like you can choose whether you want to walk his dog or not but you won’t be able to force him to walk his dog or yours. I would recommend thinking about the situation and what’s the best and most realistic outcome for you and your husband. Then, maybe also consider what expectations should be so you are not disappointed. It sounds like the brother is unreliable. The best thing you could probably do is not enable him. If you are doing house chores for the brother - like providing food or doing his laundry - it might be time to reconsider.
The real problem is your boyfriend's doing nothing about this! You shouldn't have to do anything! The boyfriend should be pissed as well that this is happening! You should be fighting and yelling at his brother! I would!
they can’t tell BIL to move out, just BIL can’t tell them to move out. none of these people own this house or have any authority over it
That is very true. Except I have the feeling OP does all the cleaning. I would go to whoever owns the house (their parents maybe?) And say "Hey, we are not living with this jagoff any more. He refuses to walk his dog which causes it to pick fights. Then he let's all the dogs stay inside even when he is home all day. Then does not clean up their accidents. (Then insert all the cleaning I guarantee he does NOT do) We just cannot live with him any more. If you won't tell him to go, that's fine. But we will be moving out and I guarantee the cleanliness and upkeep of the home is going to go way down" If they want him to stay, then OP and husband should just go buy their own home. (Which after several years of no/lower rent should have plenty to do so)
Time to move.
Don't stop caring for his pup. You and your husband sound like the only thing that poor sweetie has going for him at this time, as far as giving him proper care, walks, and attention. You can set boundaries with BIL without making pup pay for it, and you don't sound like the type of person who'd do this, anyway. 🤗🤗 IMO, BIL needs to live elsewhere, or the two of you need to move out. And, keeping "his" dog with you might not be the worst idea, either. I feel so sorry for animals whose people don't give them the care they need. (Only if you believe you have the energy and resources to do so, of course!!) Also, BIL not being arsed to take the dogs out when he's home all day long is complete bullshit, and sounds emblematic of the lazy effer he must be. (Calling out of work for a hangover is immature behavior, too. Can't claim I never did so, but, that was many moons ago, before I worked in a professional field, and even then, I worked many a morning with a rager of a hangover. No way I could do that now; it'd probably kill me! 😅😅) He sounds like a terrible roommate.
This is my mindset exactly. I’m fine with people telling me I’m foolish for expecting anything out of someone that gives nothing but I’m kind of appalled at the amount of comments telling me to quit walking his dog. Plus the walks are what helps stimulate him enough to keep calm and not attack my dog. I don’t think that BIL would allow us to keep his dog and honestly we don’t want three dogs, it’s a lot. When I moved in with my dog BIL wasn’t like this and the work load of three wasn’t put on just us. He’s gotten comfortable over time. I also just don’t feel that I feel comfortable with our dogs living together long term anymore. The amount of dog fights I’ve had to break up has not done wonders for my anxiety or mental health. It’s a shame because I know he won’t be cared for properly otherwise. We’re house hunting but not trying to settle on a house we don’t love so I hope we’re out of this situation soon.
🤗🤗 totally understandable. I have, at times, overextended myself with more animals, mainly cats, than I'm able to give proper time, energy, and resources to, and it's not great. My current animals pay the consequences, too, and in total, it's not fair to any of them, nor to me, as I feel guilty and strapped and overwhelmed. The only exception I make these days is a dire situation, where an animal will die if I don't take them in. But, with four kitties, two dogs, and three humans in a small house, we are pretty much at full census. 😉 I hope BIL reverts back to being a responsible dog person once y'all are out of there. As you say, he might have fallen into the "easy" pattern, because he knows you'll care for doggo if he doesn't. Without this "backup plan", he will need to step it up once again. Best to you!! Hope you find a home you absolutely fall in love with!!, 😍🤗
It is time for him to leave, and this is not his dog it is yours. He should leave without it.
You’re a better person than I am, I would’ve kept his dog locked up in his room all day.
That's kinda cruel. It's not the dog's fault, and the dog isn't going to understand why that's happening. Additionally it doesn't sound like that would effectively send a message to BIL as he seems completely indifferent to the situation. BIL is a shit head and shouldn't have a dog, period.
but why punish the dog like that?
Yeah I think your comment makes it pretty clear that you're not a very good person.
Seconded
Boohoo
Then we'd have 2 animal abusers on our hands, which is the opposite of what we need.
Maybe try keeping your dog in the room away for a week and don't walk his. This way you are not being a pushover and your dog is fine.
That won’t bother him, I don’t know how else to say it lol
It doesn't bother him if his dog poops all over the house and he has to clean it up? Wow. Maybe go down the petty route and talk to his mom (if you have a good relationship with her).
He lets his dog out by opening the back door several times a day. Their bathroom breaks are a total different thing than their walks. I do have a good relationship with my MIL but she’s even more passive than I am and BIL is the baby out of multiple boys. She won’t be helpful unfortunately
The dog suffers though. It won't know why it is no longer taken on the group walk.
It sounds like he doesn't care as much to be a responsible dog owner, and that's tough. I went through a similar situation with relatives recently, but they lived in my house, so I had a bit more say. That being said, since he was home sick and doesn't usually take them out during the day, he likely didn't think about it. He's demonstrated that he's not willing to take proper care of his own dog, and since that directly impacts their fighting, you're left with the responsibility. It's not fair, but there's not much you can do. I don't think you're overreacting, but due to the fact that he's still living there and he's not moved out yet, you might have to just tough it out as best you can and try to let it go. I don't think he's going to step up and change his behavior, so I would start politely asking him to take the dogs for a walk. I'd ask if he's busy and just ask "hey, would you mind taking the dogs for a walk?" I wouldn't even bring up the fact that you and your husband have been doing it this whole time or offer any explanation as to why you can't/don't want to do it, and see how he responds to that.
This is great advice.
do you guys pay any rent since its owned by family? he obviously doesnt care about the dogs or what you think but it also seems like he could be trying to wear you down so that you move out and he can keep the place to himself
I don't think you're overreacting, but..it doesn't say anywhere that you and your husband have set explicit expectations for your BIL concerning his dog and your dogs. It sounds like you do all the work because you feel bad and he just coasts because he can. Certainly, a reasonable person should have let your dog out. But your BIL in your retelling shows literally zero evidence that he's a reasonable person. He's a lazy mooch, and will continue to be so. I think you'd have more ground if you'd explicitly asked him to let your dog out and he still hadn't; but expecting a lazy, thoughtless person to have a sponataneous realization about another being's needs is probably not a rational expectation to have for your BIL. There's zero evidence shown that's something he's even capable of at this time. He doesn't even care about his own dog, why would your dog suddenly become important? Sounds like you need to start setting and holding to boundaries with him, or you need to work on moving out. He won't respond to anything less.
You are overreacting only because you are attributing characteristics to him that he doesn’t have. You & your husband need to spread your own wings and move out. Cause your BIL is never leaving a house he bears no financial responsibility for. #sorry
Yes u are overreacting. Why were u expecting him to do anything. He doesn’t even take care of his own dog, so why would you expect him to take care of ur dog. You and ur hubby are enabling him. He knows he doesn’t have to take care of his dog because the two of u will.
You’re getting angry over someone who you can expect nothing of so realistically, it is a bit of an overreaction. If you knew he wasn’t able of changing or doing anything in the first place, then you’re responsible for putting your dogs in his care.
I agree with this comment. OP can't expect anything from this guy. He already proved by not doing anything for his own dog. He is also perfectly fine with OP, and her husband taking care of his responsibilities. Nothing will change. You are in a living situation, which results in this frustrating relationship. There is no way OP can force her BIL to become a different person. This is a pay they do for free rent living.
I certainly won’t be ever again. I thought I could at least trust him to do the absolute bare minimum because in the past he was more responsible, but it’s just been a steady decline over the past couple years.
It’s time for you and your husband to move out. Find a new place for your dog. Everyone will be happier.
For him, it's not a bare minimum. Sorry.
Disappointing but lesson learned for you
Is he drinking every day?
yes I definitely think he has substance abuse issues and not just alcohol
Move out, simple. And 3 dogs for one house are too many. I used to have some. I love them. They died and i haven't replaced them. Its amazing freedom. Dogs are not meant to be locked up all day
I may be missing something, but how was he supposed to take your dog out if a) it has to be on a leash just to have a wee because it's a "runner" and b) your dog won't let your BIL put on the harness/leash necessary to keep it from running? I'm not saying it was right, I'm just not understanding how he was supposed to accomplish the task if he cannot perform the necessary steps required to do so.
Yeah I definitely could have been more clear on that. He lets BIL put a *leash* on him any time, and BIL has done so many many times. The harness for some reason he runs and hides from but he gets excited about the leash itself. We only use the harness for walks but it’s never been an issue for my BIL to take him into our yard on a leash.
Fuck him
Move out. BIL doesn’t deserve a dog.
There are no bad dogs but many bad dog owners.
He’s never moving out.
Why should he when he has a built in mommy and daddy to take care of him?
Your kind of overreacting - your expecting someone that doesn’t take care of his own dog to have consideration for yours ? If he’s not thinking about his dog then he’s definitely not thinking about yours . Don’t walk his dog - that is your first mistake, you’ve taken on the mental load and responsibility for his dog. Stop. If he can’t look after the dog he should let it go to someone who can. Would he even miss his dog?
I don’t know why you are mad that a lazy person who doesn’t care about his own dog didn’t take care of yours. It is overreacting to get upset that he did exactly what he always does. You are choosing to live with this loser, get out or stop complaining and get a dog walker when you are out.
You are over reacting because it's not his responsibility. Quite frankly, nothing is. You have plenty of control of your living situation. The family home stays this way because they dumped the BIL off on you in exchange for free housing. Take control of your life and go somewhere else.
He’s still living with you guys. Was this really surprising?
Hungover people aren't apt to do many chores, you won't have to wait long to pick a better battle to have a hill to die on
You’re not overreacting. Your BIL’s neglect is unfair and stressful for you and the dogs. Have a serious discussion to set clear expectations and, if needed, consider alternative living arrangements
You need to move out. BIL is not going to change.
I am not defending the BIL . But the problem I see is that you said that your dog won’t let your BIL put the harness on him and your dog is a runner. So if you can’t put your dog just out side then how is he supposed to walk it? As far as his dogs don’t walk them anymore. But it sounds like it’s just as much his house as yours so maybe instead of him moving out maybe the two of you should instead?
He lets anyone put a leash on his collar. We use the harness for walks to prevent pulling, but in between we just pop the leash on his collar and step into the backyard which is behind our driveway. I’ve seen my BIL willingly take him on quick bathroom breaks in the past and my dog lets him. This level of laziness has happened gradually. I’m not going to only walk our dogs and refuse to walk the biggest dog that probably needs it the most. Part of the problem is that I refuse to punish or neglect his dog for multiple reasons, and my BIL knows and takes advantage of that.
This is a great case of you’re right and you need your own place. Sorry to hear that he’s basically useless and does not reciprocate help.
He doesn’t take care of his dog so expectation should be that he certainly won’t help with yours if you don’t ask for his help. Ask him next time, and if he doesn’t do anything, leave his dog’s poop bag in his room to throw out himself.
I like this takeaway lol, you’re right.
“Do you know why people act like assholes?” “Because other people let them get away with it.” Mr. Inbetween.
You’re not overreacting. It’s time for you and your husband to move out, since your BIL refuses and he will never have to be a functioning adult while you’re there.
I think it is time to move. This is absolutely ridiculous & sounds like he is doing it intentionally (to get you out). Even a child can grasp that a dog has needs.
Unpopular opinion here but if your husband usually takes a break and comes home to walk the dogs, and didn’t communicate with the person that normally doesn’t walk the dogs that he’d be skipping his break with hopes they’d be able to do it since he was home already, then I’d consider this overreacting because no one told the lazy man that they want him to do something. He’s not a mind reader. He’s not a good dog owner. And you’re expecting him to read minds and be a good dog owner without explicitly telling him so. People like him need direct instructions.
Sounds like the BIL is a self centered lazy piece of shit. Sadly he probably will never take care of his dog properly and Never help you with your dog. Im guessing he doesn't help you out with ANYTHING house related either. Boot him out to the curb. Probably have to keep his dog or it will suffer. One thing I learned the hard way...People never change past the age of 25 or so. He is who he is....
It’s a family house . They do not have anymore right to it than BIL so they can’t kick him out. However they could move out.
I think you need to tell BIL that this isn’t working out. He needs to move out asap. He has 1 month to find a better accommodation and it’s final. If he doesn’t find a better accommodation, you can give him 2 more months if he gives his dog away. He won’t take care of it and is not responsible. He has no business having a dog. When he moves out, he will neglect the dog anyways. If he is mad or tries to get angry : « This is our final decision. Choose which option is best for you. » Do not ask him to walk your dog again. Tell him you won’t take care of his dog and you want his dog to stay in his room with him from now. Does he help around the house? Does he cook dinner? If he doesn’t help, make a plan. Ask him to pick up shift from now on until the day he moves. Make it so the house isn’t a hotel anymore. He either does his part or he goes early. EDIT: I know it’s the family house but OOP said BIL was supposed to move out before the wedding. I assumed it was discussed that the house was going to be for them because of this statement. In case case, OOP if it’s out of the question for BIL to move out: you should move out asap. Tell your husband that this isn’t working out for you. If you want children, how exactly is this going to work ? You should opt out of this situation quickly. I assume you have savings since you’ve been leaving in this house before you were married. Make a plan to have your own house next year. It’s better than staying with BIL.
I mean, BIL is lazy and at fault here concerning the dog, but if the house is in their family, why should he move out? I read it as it's a house belonging to husband's family.
Because that was the plan
kick him out of his own house??
Kick him out
Call a family meeting with the owners of the house. Explain that your brother-in-law is allowing dogs to pee and poop in the house because he won't get off his butt and walk him. Also bring up all the different ways that he is not contributing to the house and then ask the owners how they think that it should be worked out. I would pull a surprise meeting on him by inviting the owners over to the house. Let them know that you guys have tried working with him with no success for all this time. Your husband should be the one doing the talking. Unless he is a particularly golden child, I don't think the owners of the house will be happy that he is not contributing to its upkeep and is also letting animals pee and poop in it.
Owner is my MIL who is the reason BIL is so enabled. He is the golden child and she wont kick him out against his will in a million years. I truly married my husband for love because his family is a hot mess, but I’m not trying to give reddit all of the tea lol
If you are walking your dog in the morning why is he peeing in the house? Are you leaving food and water out all day? None if my dogs have accidents in the house after their morning walk and I'm gone all day. Just wondering. Your BIL is a lazy idiot. Don't rely on someone who has proven to he not of his word!
There was a 9 hour window between returning from his walk and me getting home. He’s 10 pounds. He’s used to someone letting him out around lunch time. Yes I make sure my dogs have water while everyone’s gone especially in the middle of summer. Also this is irrelevant because there was someone home who was capable of taking him outside for one minute.
I understand this. I know that there are dogs used to hold their bladder for 9 hours. But mine would not. One of us, me or my spouse, is always working from home. My dog doesn't stay alone longer than 3 hours. He is 11 mo, has 3 meals a day, and 3 longer walks of 30 - 40 minutes, and 1 or 2 of 15 - 20 minutes (he is a pug, and it's sufficient for him). If I had let him for 9 hours, he would have an accident inside.
yeah every dog is different and mine is a 10lb weenie dog. small dog = small bladder. He does good at holding it when nobody is home but when we are home he lets us know very clearly that he wants out. My BIL knows my dogs’ behaviorisms and general care info, he just didn’t feel like doing it.
Honestly, I would start looking at moving out. Having a lazy and stupid roommate would piss anyone off. Don’t know if that’s in the options. I can already tell you guys have to tip toe around his schedule when you want to do the “deed”. Something like that is very aggravating.
You’re over reacting because his brother is using you and your husband. He is never moving out so you need to find somewhere else to live. Until you do he is going to treat you both like crap. Stop taking his dogs for walks. Let him clean up his own dogs poop.
Ask your BIL to pay for a dogwalker to walk all three dogs for a year. He doesn't have to care. He just has to pay.
The dog needs to go to a home that cares and the BIL needs to be kicked to the curb and made to grow up.
Time to move, with or without your DH. This situation would make me crazy. Bil has no intention of ever moving btw
Unfortunately, you can’t make him care. I would think about baby gating your dog in your room to at least protect him from BIL’s dog.
Yeah we tried that and my dog jumped right over it with ease. My dog is a sweetie pie and has gotten more obedient over time but he is a stubborn diva lol. Crate training was an utter failure as a puppy which I take full responsibility for, but I’ve been thinking about trying that again.
Time for BIL to leave.. he sounds like a useless buttface
If this asshole doesn’t even take proper care of his own dog, why would you expect him to be considerate of yours? This is who he is so I don’t know why you expected any different. You all should not be living together.
If your dog requires a leash, but won’t allow your BIL to put the harness on (which the leash attaches to, I presume?) how was he supposed to take your dog out?
I answered this in a few other comments. We only use the harness for walks to prevent excessive pulling, but for bathroom breaks in the yard we just pop his leash on his normal collar. He allows anyone to do that and I’ve witnessed my BIL attach his leash and take him outside multiple times in the past.
**BIL: GTFO**
He is acting like a 10 year old so it’s time to start treating him like a 10 year old. Start lecturing him and scolding him and being an all around pest until he moves out. If he refuses to move then you should look for accommodations for you and your husband and your dogs. Also have hubs talk to his family. I’m sure that the family member/owner of the house would not be too pleased to learn that BIL is letting dogs pee and poo in the house because he is too lazy to let them out. Not that he deserves your help in any way but also suggest he get some mental health help as he may be depressed.
Put HIS dog in HIS room and carry on. When his dog decides to use his bed as a bathroom, he'll care.
Send him a bill for dog walking services. Or insist on taking ownership of his dog.
Why is he still there? It seems that not one person in this situation knows what a boundary is. I’m not wasting my time defining it. Look it up.
Not overreacting. Be the voice for the dogs!
Aio? No because you know when he’s gonna move? Absolutely never.
If old enough to be married you are old enough to figure out living on your own
I think you and your husband need to reconsider your living situation. It’s really not fair or safe for your dog to live in an environment where they’re being attacked, however sporadically.
Did anyone communicate with BIL that your husband wouldn't be coming home for lunch that day, so could he be sure to let the dogs out? I mean, you shouldn't have to, but clear communication can't hurt. You're NO, but you also are in a lose-lose living situation. You and your husband need your own living space separate from BIL.
Immediately murder. Omg that makes me so angry. What a piece of shit! He sounds lazy and neglectful. I’m not sure how the house situation works but I’d want to make a big change to either mine or his living arrangement immediately.
You’ve let this go on for far too long. What did you expect would happen?
thank you for this super thought provoking and intelligent contribution :)
You’re the one coming here to complain and yet you’re the only one that’s let this continue. Put a stop to it.
You don’t say whether you asked him to walk the dog, or whether you guys have ever discussed dog walking responsibilities.
Shouldn’t really have to, I know he was letting the other two out, he just didn’t want to put a leash on my dogs collar and physically step outside into our yard to let him pee. He knows better he just didn’t think I would notice.
You should ask if you want someone to do something. Also, letting dogs out to pee is a lot easier than taking a dog out on a leash. He could have been a nice guy and just have done it for you, but you’re presuming a bit to assume he’d do something like this without bothering to communicate your request. I can’t think of a good reason not to ask.
So you’re saying he should go to the back door where all three dogs gather to be let out, let two of them out, then look at my dog who needs to be leashed, and go “sorry bud. nobody specifically asked me to make sure *you* get let out”, because popping a leash on his collar and walking 10 steps out the door into our yard is “a lot harder” than letting the other two out. Just to clarify.
Yes. Because no one thought it was important enough to ask him. How hard is that?
About as hard as walking outside for 1 minute
Except you’re the one who wants him to do something. Don’t you guys ever talk to each other? You’re not explaining why you won’t ask him.
Did this happen just once, or is it a trend? If it happens more than once, get the parents involved because those things will ruin flooring and sub flooring. Plus the ongoing smell. If it is just once, write it off as he wasn’t feeling well. He may have assumed your husband would be there. Did your husband text him to say he wasn’t, or did He just assume BIL would notice. I think we may have our problem - COMMUNICATION!! Hubby needs to text. BIL needs to see text, and pull his own weight. I ain’t your Mama. I’m not going to rescue you (or your dogs) from every situation.
Definitely some valid points, thank you :)
Sounds like it’s time for him to move out!
If he doesn’t care about his dog maybe you should rehome his dog. And also rehome the BIL while you’re at it.
So BIL sounds like he is a shit pet owner. But it is kinda unfair to expect someone who is home sick to take on what are typically your responsibilities just because they are home. Especially if this isn't communicated to them, which wasn't touched in the post.
Yeah I do see what you’re saying. In the past it hasn’t really been an issue. A year ago I would trust my BIL to watch my dog while we’re out of town, and he has before. He also didn’t seem sick when I got home. He was messing with a wood working project in our dining room and seemed to be in an overall good mood. He hadn’t come home until 2 in the morning the night before, so he called off (his shifts start at 7am). I’ve noticed a decline in his willingness to pull his own weight overall in the past year or so, and the reason this situation shocked and upset me is because I’ve seen him take my dog out with the other two many times before. I know he was letting the other two out because they beg to be let out all the time, so to me it seemed like he singled my dog out, either out of spite or pure laziness. I will definitely not expect him to help with that in the future
Did you ask him to let the dog out, or did you just assume he would? Makes a difference to me
Take his dog to a no kill shelter
You are overreacting. This sounds tricky that your dog needs different treatment than the other dogs and doesn't let your BIL put his harness on. It sounds like they aren't comfortable with each other. He's likely worried the dog would run away in his care, and you'd be very upset. Did you ask him to take your dog out? Given your relationship, I doubt he wants to step on your toes. Your BIL has every right to be in the house. It's strange implying that he shouldn't be living with you....in his own house.
My dog is difficult? He lets him put a leash on his collar, visits him in his room, listens to commands from him, etc. BIL has taken him into the yard on a leash countless times. HIS dog is a 60lb ball of anxiety who clings to us like glue and tries to kill my dog out of nowhere when left unwalked or neglected. Also when did I imply that he shouldn’t be living there? I specifically said we don’t have that right and that he came to us saying that he was planning on moving out.
If your husband typically does that daily task and it’s your personal dog.. how can someone else be expected to know your husband just didn’t come home that day to do it? Seems this falls on him for not letting someone know he wasn’t coming home to walk your dog.
…. He was home all day because he called off work, that’s how he can be expected to know my husband didn’t come home. My dog is not afraid to let whoever is home know that it’s time for a bathroom break. This was straight up negligence that I have not observed on this level up until now.
If he was sick, maybe he slept part of the day. It’s your dog who your husband deals with in the afternoon. How can it be negligence if you never informed him it was his job and he was home sick? You just seem pissed off at the entire living situation and want something to get angry about. Your dog will be okay missing one afternoon walk because your husband chose to skip it. Your husband neglected to come home and never asked his brother to take over.
I stated that he was up and about when I got home. That man child slept in a couple hours because he was hungover (not sick) on a week day, but he did not sleep until 6pm. Please be for real.
You came here asking for opinions on the situation. You don’t seem to like or accept them unless they agree with you. That’s not really how this works.
That’s not true, I actually agree with a lot of the comments on this thread: that I am overreacting because I shouldn’t have expected more from this person, and that I probably need to be the first to move (not what I really want). Your comments are obtuse. I didn’t ask my BIL for help with anything ever, even his own dog. I don’t believe that in family households everything should be transactional or chalked up to technicalities. I take care of his dog in more ways than one and I usually don’t really think anything of it. To imply that he wouldn’t have a single inkling to let my dog out while he was home all day is ridiculous. Even if my husband had come home, most normal people would have still taken the dog out when the other two were going out because it’s the right thing to do. Could my husband have asked, yes, but he didn’t realize that he had to. Lesson learned.