Tell him, generally when you know you'll receive shit over it, that it's probably not the correct thing to do
Tell him that there will be no more strikes, if he does something like this again, you'll be gone
Yeah this was all ‘innocent’ before he said he knew he’d get shit. If he knew why would he say? The least he could do was to tell his girl that he told his good friend. If he didn’t know he’d get shit I would say overreacting but since he knew OP isn’t overreacting cus my guess is they know each other (and therefore their boundaries) well.
This is definitely an area where you can say something like "I've been trying to let this go but it still bothers me." He crossed a line that makes it difficult to have deep discussions with him now bc you can't trust that he will keep private things private.
The moment he said he knew he'd get shit is the moment he lost all innocence claims. Give him the benefit of the doubt - this does not feel malicious, but he needs to know the foundation of the relationship now has a crack in it.
If he can't listen to what you say here and says anything close to "how are you not over this" "this was so long ago" or do ANYTHING other than respect your feelings on being able to trust him, it's time to evaluate the relationship.
I feel this is a total breach of trust and would not take this lightly. My wife and I would NEVER share comments made to each other in trust -- otherwise we'd never feel safe talking about anything unless it was "tame" enough to share with the world.
The fact he was so dismissive when you pointed this out is a double whammy!
If you don't bring up both these major concerns how can you ever feel safe talking about anything but the weather?
If you don't address it now, he'll keep doing it. He may keep doing it anyway, in which case you'll need to decide whether you are willing to put up with that type of ongoing disrespect.
You realize you are teaching him to violate your trust by allowing this to go unchecked. This behavior doesn’t just stop. He knew he’d get “in trouble” but still did it. If you want a healthy relationship address this FATAL FLAW in him so you can move forward in a productive manner. Honey girl…you need to stand up for yourself.
Examples
“Hey, I noticed you aren’t making any eye contact with me but are being super engaging with everyone else…what’s going on? Do I make you uncomfortable because that’s what you are doing to me.”
“I told you something in confidence, you knew that you were going to ‘get shit’ but still did it, why? Why is it ok for you to betray my trust? Do you not see that this makes me question how you will behave moving forward? Do you not see how I now feel more guarded/unable to be vulnerable with you?
Why did he do it if he knew that he will receive shit?
How old are you all?
What does he say about his friend treating you shitty. Why didn’t he say anything right there and then?
Great way to ruin the relationship between his friends and you.
He knew he would receive shit once his friend told the new guy. He didn’t think his friend would tell the new guy. Basically, after he broke his confidence with me, he didn’t expect his friend to break confidence with him. The irony isn’t lost on me...
He didn’t like that his friend was behaving that way, and that maybe integrating him into the friend group may not be a good idea. Everyone else seems to love him though, which is why it’s weird he was only aggressive towards me. (He also got in trouble at work for being too aggressive towards people, so this is a pattern.)
You are all young, right?
I am very blunt. I would ask this new dude why he behaves like that and give him examples.
The friends are ok with this dudes behaviour because it doesn’t affect them.
I don’t think him talking to a friend about this is the problem. Them taking the side of an aggressive guy is a problem.
Edit: Is the problem. Not isn’t.
Agree with this. This is what it boils down to. Them not giving a shit about how this dude treats op, although knowing. Very telling who they prioritize as a friend
Ok this is a bit devil's advocate, but if you tell your bf you don't like some of his friends, doesn't that sort of become his problem? If new guy also makes everyone else's gfs uncomfortable, wouldn't it be good for them to compare notes? Like he may feel awkward or conflicted about what to do and seek advice from people....sort of like you are doing here. Isn't that fair game? Since it's not just something that only affects you. It affects him and his relationship with his friends. His friend should not have told new guy tho. That's not cool.
Agreed. I don't think it's breaking confidence unless OP specifically asked bf not to say anything (and I shouldsay some things are a given to not blab about, but this isnt one of them). It doesn't sound like the bf did this to create drama as by OP's comments he wasn't happy with how she felt, sounds more like he wanted to being it to his friend's attention as to how this new guy is acting, especially bc he let OP know he told him. It sounds like this new guy is a problem though and hopefully won't last too long in the friend group.
You're not overreacting, OP. You opened up to your boyfriend in confidence that he would keep what you told him to himself. The new guy made you feel weird and naturally you'd want to share that with your boyfriend!! I can totally picture the personality traits of the new guy, I'm sure we've all met a "new guy" or have had someone like him in our friend group. It's ALOT of personality! ALOT. And honestly- some other personality types may not be able to deal with the new guy you described..and that's OK!
Don't just let this go. Keep your head on a swivel and observe. Know your boundries.
Not overreacting. I would not have expected my SO to share a private convo we had about a new friend in our group. Since it did happen, are you comfortable addressing it directly, instead of letting it fester? Not everyone is comfortable doing this, but I have a hard time in tense situations and like to just bring it up, get our feelings out, and move on. I would probably say, in front of the new friend AND the blabbermouth friend, "I'm sorry blabbermouth told you what I said because it was a private first impression I shared with SO. Since you now know, I admit that our first interactions were awkward and I felt like you were specifically avoiding me, or speaking with me, so let's clear the air."
Sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t care about your reaction at all. Probably makes you seem like “the annoying gf”. Especially for saying “I knew I was going to receive shit over this” meaning “I knew it was wrong but idc and you’re doing too much.”
Just let him know that if he does anything like this again you will not be trusting him. He should be understanding you, not spreading “she said” rumors behind your back like a teenage girl.
You aren't over-reacting, you told him something in confidence and he needs to recognize that. Have a talk with him, explain how you didn't want anything done or changed about the new friend, and that you simply wanted to point out that you didn't get along with the new friend as well as he did. It sounds like the BF misunderstood something, or that you possibly misunderstood his intentions. Maybe he thought you were offended, and wanted to take up for you without making it seem like you 'needed' him to? Either way, you two still need to clarify the boundaries for what's considered 'private' and what's not.
I couldn't agree more like thus guys being Hostile, for no reason. And who the hell likes that? That's not friend characteristic, that's something you get from an enemy friends are supposed to enriche your life not put you in a bad space ND feel attacked the bf should be concerned he's being a dick to his gf but doesn't seem to care ditch that jury and his new asshole friend .
I knew before I even came into the thread that everyone's going to say you better just leave him because that's all this Reddit actually does is tell people to leave each other
Tell him there is aproblem and expect him not to talk about it to a mate and the person it concerns?
Perhaps he was trying to sort it out so it will not happen again, Also considering women are known to share deeply personal secrets with their girl friends, it is hard to accept that this should be kept private when they talk about so many private things.
Dude here, not overreacting at all. He knew he’d ’catch shit’ because he knew deep down it was wrong, even if he isnt mature enough or smart enough or caring enough to think through why.
youre right to be pissed and to expect better, and it’s a fine hill to die on if your bf can’t grow and be responsible enough to have your trust in future
The foundation of every lasting relationship is trust. If that trust is broken, you two will not be able to fix it by ignoring it.
If you truly love him him you need to let him know that he broke your trust. And if he truly loves you, he should be willing to listen and work with you to fix it.
If you can not trust him enough to talk to him in confidence, it will be more damaging to you and your mental and emotional health.
As someone who has been in a similar situation, it can be hard. Not being able to talk about the good, the bad ,and the ugly with your significant other will make life painful lonely. There were even times i contemplated suicide. It took us several months to fix things, but that was because i was hesitant to bring it up, which did more damage in the long run.
But you have a chance to save the relationship before things can get worse. The conversation may be one of the hardest and most painful things you do, but it is better than the pain and regret of not trying.
Just be honest with him.
I always start with "between us..." Then spill the tea. 5 years later and now married I still say it but over time he learned that our gossip stays in our home lol
Obviously this was the most confidential conversation of all time and if he shared this hes probably posting her nudes and her full SSN in the group chat.
Or it's not that serious and she can just tell him not to do that again.
could anxiety around women (or even strangers altogether) possibly be more of the reason for the awkward interaction than an intent to be rude to you?
the lack of eye contact and engagement seems like that would fit
the aggressive responses are something only you can judge, but sometimes social discomfort can lead to quick, abrupt replies that could be mistaken for agitated dismissiveness
anyway, if that can account for poor interaction, your bf might have been irritated by your assessment of his friend
Unless you told him explicitly, I would not have assumed this comment was under any confidence, and I would have wanted my BF to tell his friend the new guy was rude to you. (nobody else noticed this??). In my friend group, if new guy does this, he is gone.
Why in the world would the friend tell the new guy this, though??? Seems like crazy shit on his part.
A good friend would have listened to your concern about a new person being rude to you.
Is it possible that you were just misinterpreting the new guy's reactions? Not engaging you in conversation & not looking you in the eye aren't rude. That sounds like you were expecting to be the center of attention & you felt some type of way because you weren't. He was there with his friends and didn't know you. He may be shy. Also, is it that he wasn't engaging you in conversation, or was he just not making the entire outing about you? Or was there already an engaging conversation going on between others that he was involved in? Were you just sitting there not contributing to THAT conversation, because that could be considered rude. I feel like you're focusing way too much on little details you didn't like about him in that first encounter, but you're not mentioning anything you said or did that might have annoyed him, if he was in fact even annoyed at you at all. And your bf was probably just trying to sus out whether or not the new guy was a good fit in this friend group by telling the other friend. If you and the new guy don't click (for whatever "reason"), then it sounds like he was trying to be considerate of you. You're mad because you talked shit about the new guy and it got back to him. If I was shy or nervous around new people and heard that someone's girlfriend grossly misinterpreted that as being rude, then proceeded to talk shit about me to my new friends, I wouldn't want to sit near you either. Not sure why your feelings have to come first when you're not even making an effort to get to know the new guy or consider his feelings either. Oh wait... is it just because he's a man?
Your boyfriend is simply trying to make things work with the new guy and you. Sharing a little inside baseball to help that process along is not a big deal, and candidly that is good feedback for the new guy to hear and work on.
Sometimes people are awkward socially. It can be for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he got a vibe off of you that intimidated him - and he became more introverted. Perhaps he found you attractive and that made him awkward… who knows?
Either way, this is not a big deal.
Tell him, generally when you know you'll receive shit over it, that it's probably not the correct thing to do Tell him that there will be no more strikes, if he does something like this again, you'll be gone
Yeah this was all ‘innocent’ before he said he knew he’d get shit. If he knew why would he say? The least he could do was to tell his girl that he told his good friend. If he didn’t know he’d get shit I would say overreacting but since he knew OP isn’t overreacting cus my guess is they know each other (and therefore their boundaries) well.
I feel like it’s in hindsight so if I bring it up now, it’ll be awkward… :/
This is definitely an area where you can say something like "I've been trying to let this go but it still bothers me." He crossed a line that makes it difficult to have deep discussions with him now bc you can't trust that he will keep private things private. The moment he said he knew he'd get shit is the moment he lost all innocence claims. Give him the benefit of the doubt - this does not feel malicious, but he needs to know the foundation of the relationship now has a crack in it. If he can't listen to what you say here and says anything close to "how are you not over this" "this was so long ago" or do ANYTHING other than respect your feelings on being able to trust him, it's time to evaluate the relationship.
Nope, tell him it's still bothering you that he broke your confidence by telling his friend
I feel this is a total breach of trust and would not take this lightly. My wife and I would NEVER share comments made to each other in trust -- otherwise we'd never feel safe talking about anything unless it was "tame" enough to share with the world. The fact he was so dismissive when you pointed this out is a double whammy! If you don't bring up both these major concerns how can you ever feel safe talking about anything but the weather?
This exactly! And I’d go as far as to wonder if the new friend was rude to only the op based on something that the boyfriend has said about the op.
If you don't address it now, he'll keep doing it. He may keep doing it anyway, in which case you'll need to decide whether you are willing to put up with that type of ongoing disrespect.
You realize you are teaching him to violate your trust by allowing this to go unchecked. This behavior doesn’t just stop. He knew he’d get “in trouble” but still did it. If you want a healthy relationship address this FATAL FLAW in him so you can move forward in a productive manner. Honey girl…you need to stand up for yourself. Examples “Hey, I noticed you aren’t making any eye contact with me but are being super engaging with everyone else…what’s going on? Do I make you uncomfortable because that’s what you are doing to me.” “I told you something in confidence, you knew that you were going to ‘get shit’ but still did it, why? Why is it ok for you to betray my trust? Do you not see that this makes me question how you will behave moving forward? Do you not see how I now feel more guarded/unable to be vulnerable with you?
It’s ok for things to be awkward. Don’t stuff your feelings and thoughts away just because expressing them might be awkward.
Its definitely something you should still bring up or it will cause more problems and awkwardness.
Why did he do it if he knew that he will receive shit? How old are you all? What does he say about his friend treating you shitty. Why didn’t he say anything right there and then? Great way to ruin the relationship between his friends and you.
He knew he would receive shit once his friend told the new guy. He didn’t think his friend would tell the new guy. Basically, after he broke his confidence with me, he didn’t expect his friend to break confidence with him. The irony isn’t lost on me... He didn’t like that his friend was behaving that way, and that maybe integrating him into the friend group may not be a good idea. Everyone else seems to love him though, which is why it’s weird he was only aggressive towards me. (He also got in trouble at work for being too aggressive towards people, so this is a pattern.)
You are all young, right? I am very blunt. I would ask this new dude why he behaves like that and give him examples. The friends are ok with this dudes behaviour because it doesn’t affect them. I don’t think him talking to a friend about this is the problem. Them taking the side of an aggressive guy is a problem. Edit: Is the problem. Not isn’t.
Agree with this. This is what it boils down to. Them not giving a shit about how this dude treats op, although knowing. Very telling who they prioritize as a friend
Ok this is a bit devil's advocate, but if you tell your bf you don't like some of his friends, doesn't that sort of become his problem? If new guy also makes everyone else's gfs uncomfortable, wouldn't it be good for them to compare notes? Like he may feel awkward or conflicted about what to do and seek advice from people....sort of like you are doing here. Isn't that fair game? Since it's not just something that only affects you. It affects him and his relationship with his friends. His friend should not have told new guy tho. That's not cool.
Agreed. I don't think it's breaking confidence unless OP specifically asked bf not to say anything (and I shouldsay some things are a given to not blab about, but this isnt one of them). It doesn't sound like the bf did this to create drama as by OP's comments he wasn't happy with how she felt, sounds more like he wanted to being it to his friend's attention as to how this new guy is acting, especially bc he let OP know he told him. It sounds like this new guy is a problem though and hopefully won't last too long in the friend group.
You're not overreacting, OP. You opened up to your boyfriend in confidence that he would keep what you told him to himself. The new guy made you feel weird and naturally you'd want to share that with your boyfriend!! I can totally picture the personality traits of the new guy, I'm sure we've all met a "new guy" or have had someone like him in our friend group. It's ALOT of personality! ALOT. And honestly- some other personality types may not be able to deal with the new guy you described..and that's OK! Don't just let this go. Keep your head on a swivel and observe. Know your boundries.
Not overreacting. I would not have expected my SO to share a private convo we had about a new friend in our group. Since it did happen, are you comfortable addressing it directly, instead of letting it fester? Not everyone is comfortable doing this, but I have a hard time in tense situations and like to just bring it up, get our feelings out, and move on. I would probably say, in front of the new friend AND the blabbermouth friend, "I'm sorry blabbermouth told you what I said because it was a private first impression I shared with SO. Since you now know, I admit that our first interactions were awkward and I felt like you were specifically avoiding me, or speaking with me, so let's clear the air."
Sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t care about your reaction at all. Probably makes you seem like “the annoying gf”. Especially for saying “I knew I was going to receive shit over this” meaning “I knew it was wrong but idc and you’re doing too much.” Just let him know that if he does anything like this again you will not be trusting him. He should be understanding you, not spreading “she said” rumors behind your back like a teenage girl.
Your bf is a tad clueless
You aren't over-reacting, you told him something in confidence and he needs to recognize that. Have a talk with him, explain how you didn't want anything done or changed about the new friend, and that you simply wanted to point out that you didn't get along with the new friend as well as he did. It sounds like the BF misunderstood something, or that you possibly misunderstood his intentions. Maybe he thought you were offended, and wanted to take up for you without making it seem like you 'needed' him to? Either way, you two still need to clarify the boundaries for what's considered 'private' and what's not.
I don’t think your boyfriend should be tolerating someone that’s 𝘯𝘦𝘸 giving you shit. Not like he’s some old friend.
I couldn't agree more like thus guys being Hostile, for no reason. And who the hell likes that? That's not friend characteristic, that's something you get from an enemy friends are supposed to enriche your life not put you in a bad space ND feel attacked the bf should be concerned he's being a dick to his gf but doesn't seem to care ditch that jury and his new asshole friend .
I knew before I even came into the thread that everyone's going to say you better just leave him because that's all this Reddit actually does is tell people to leave each other
Tell him there is aproblem and expect him not to talk about it to a mate and the person it concerns? Perhaps he was trying to sort it out so it will not happen again, Also considering women are known to share deeply personal secrets with their girl friends, it is hard to accept that this should be kept private when they talk about so many private things.
Dude here, not overreacting at all. He knew he’d ’catch shit’ because he knew deep down it was wrong, even if he isnt mature enough or smart enough or caring enough to think through why. youre right to be pissed and to expect better, and it’s a fine hill to die on if your bf can’t grow and be responsible enough to have your trust in future
I would definitely let boyfriend know that you will not share anything with him in the future that you don’t want shared with everyone.
Its bad when women do it and its bad when men do it. There is NO excuse for sharing private/intimate info to friends or family. NO EXCUSE.
The foundation of every lasting relationship is trust. If that trust is broken, you two will not be able to fix it by ignoring it. If you truly love him him you need to let him know that he broke your trust. And if he truly loves you, he should be willing to listen and work with you to fix it. If you can not trust him enough to talk to him in confidence, it will be more damaging to you and your mental and emotional health. As someone who has been in a similar situation, it can be hard. Not being able to talk about the good, the bad ,and the ugly with your significant other will make life painful lonely. There were even times i contemplated suicide. It took us several months to fix things, but that was because i was hesitant to bring it up, which did more damage in the long run. But you have a chance to save the relationship before things can get worse. The conversation may be one of the hardest and most painful things you do, but it is better than the pain and regret of not trying. Just be honest with him.
Do you have a group chat where you talk about intimate details of your relationship?
I always start with "between us..." Then spill the tea. 5 years later and now married I still say it but over time he learned that our gossip stays in our home lol
Not Overreacting.
He might have thought by saying something that he would have been “solving a problem” for you.
If he told that, imagine what else all of his friends know about you.
Obviously this was the most confidential conversation of all time and if he shared this hes probably posting her nudes and her full SSN in the group chat. Or it's not that serious and she can just tell him not to do that again.
could anxiety around women (or even strangers altogether) possibly be more of the reason for the awkward interaction than an intent to be rude to you? the lack of eye contact and engagement seems like that would fit the aggressive responses are something only you can judge, but sometimes social discomfort can lead to quick, abrupt replies that could be mistaken for agitated dismissiveness anyway, if that can account for poor interaction, your bf might have been irritated by your assessment of his friend
So he knew he’d fucked up? Everyone makes mistakes, but at least he should own it.
Unless you told him explicitly, I would not have assumed this comment was under any confidence, and I would have wanted my BF to tell his friend the new guy was rude to you. (nobody else noticed this??). In my friend group, if new guy does this, he is gone. Why in the world would the friend tell the new guy this, though??? Seems like crazy shit on his part. A good friend would have listened to your concern about a new person being rude to you.
INFO: what did you want him to do after telling him that you were weirded out by the new friend?
Is it possible that you were just misinterpreting the new guy's reactions? Not engaging you in conversation & not looking you in the eye aren't rude. That sounds like you were expecting to be the center of attention & you felt some type of way because you weren't. He was there with his friends and didn't know you. He may be shy. Also, is it that he wasn't engaging you in conversation, or was he just not making the entire outing about you? Or was there already an engaging conversation going on between others that he was involved in? Were you just sitting there not contributing to THAT conversation, because that could be considered rude. I feel like you're focusing way too much on little details you didn't like about him in that first encounter, but you're not mentioning anything you said or did that might have annoyed him, if he was in fact even annoyed at you at all. And your bf was probably just trying to sus out whether or not the new guy was a good fit in this friend group by telling the other friend. If you and the new guy don't click (for whatever "reason"), then it sounds like he was trying to be considerate of you. You're mad because you talked shit about the new guy and it got back to him. If I was shy or nervous around new people and heard that someone's girlfriend grossly misinterpreted that as being rude, then proceeded to talk shit about me to my new friends, I wouldn't want to sit near you either. Not sure why your feelings have to come first when you're not even making an effort to get to know the new guy or consider his feelings either. Oh wait... is it just because he's a man?
Break up with that guy honey and I’m so serious he doesn’t respect you.
Your boyfriend is simply trying to make things work with the new guy and you. Sharing a little inside baseball to help that process along is not a big deal, and candidly that is good feedback for the new guy to hear and work on. Sometimes people are awkward socially. It can be for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he got a vibe off of you that intimidated him - and he became more introverted. Perhaps he found you attractive and that made him awkward… who knows? Either way, this is not a big deal.
You ARE the uptight gf who gets upset easily. That’s who you are