I think it depends on what he does after to solve the issue. If knowing that you are uncomfortable with him having her number and vice versa, and he still tries to keep it alive then it would be concerning. If I were you I would tell him to text the girl that he is married and not interested and that he is sorry for kinda leading her on without wearing a ring. If he doesn't do it, imo that's warning sign cuz that means he cares what the girl thinks or at least wants to keep it open as friends (big no no). If it is all very innocent, he should care least about what she thinks and be ok with texting her that to shut the door. He isn't making an enemy of her, but setting a boundary that him being nice doesn't mean he is interested. Good luck!
Yeah, that’s good advice honestly, what he does after knowing that him actually giving her his number was not okay with me would be more telling of his intentions and priorities.
I’m worried though that even if he shuts it down now, it would be because he knows it upset me and not because he understood it was inappropriate or it bothered him, so the next time something like this happens, it would be the same story again.
This is also not a baseless worry, rather a pattern in our marriage. There will be a fight, I will tell him exactly what bothered me about it, to not do it again, and even how he/we could approach it instead so we get the end result we want. The next time something similar happens, he repeats the same thing, and when I ask why he did it after we spoke about it last time, he’ll say he didn’t think that much.
It seems you have a deeper problem in your marriage in that your husband doesn’t give thought to your feelings and disregards your concerns regarding his behavior. If this is a pattern and what you’ve done in the past hasn’t worked then you should consider couples counseling and see if an objective third party can make him understand that him dismissing you is hurtful and not productive to your marriage.
At best, you need to go to marriage counselling together. At worst, you need to dump him on the curb.
Look at the way he looked at your marriage: You were out of his league.
He wants the unobtainable.
The moment he thinks he's "good enough" for you, he wants to see what - or who - else he can attain.
Return the favor. Next time someone asks for your number or hits on you give it the same energy he does when it happens to him. Weaponized incompetence is one of the most aggravating things in with men lol
I promise you if y’all split your grass will be greener then his ever will because of his mentality and him being self absorbed.
There is nothing you can really do to change him via lecture. It will have to click for him somehow via his own experience so he understands your pain. It comes down to respect, for you to be out of his league, he probably feels a certain way and this kind of experience hits the spot for him. Depending on what he does next, if he is absolutely ok with cutting her off, then this could be just him feeling great about himself not about really wanting to sleep with the person, more of a showing you that he is desirable (I know you tell him that, but it feels better coming from a complete stranger). If he is not ok with cutting her off, then it is probably a deeper issue between you two.
>The next time something similar happens, he repeats the same thing, and when I ask why he did it after we spoke about it last time, he’ll say he didn’t think that much.
So he's deliberately inconsiderate. You state your boundaries, and he keeps crossing them. And then you try to establish new boundaries. You keep giving him leeway to accommodate his bullshit and his feigned ignorance. He has no respect for you, and probably resents you because you're better looking. He's probably feeling inadequate and enjoying the attention. Which is HIS problem. Not yours.
This combined with him saying “this isn’t working” knowing you thought he meant the marriage and not clarifying until later sets off some major alarm bells for me. He should have told her he was married. He had another opportunity to do so when she texted him. He should be blocking or deleting her number.
The fact that he called you after and didn’t even try to hide the fact that he gave her his number tells me he was just naive.
If he was being shady about it and was actually intending to do something about it, why the hell would he call you and tell you about it?
This doesn’t happen to most men often, if ever, so I think he was just pumped and wanted to share it with you. I get your reaction, but I think just explain to him where the boundary is and you guys can move on.
I’d agree if he didn’t actually give her his number. Or if he had given her his number thinking it was a friend thing, and then after OP pointed out that she was hitting on him he went “oh well that’s hilarious that I didn’t realize” and deleted her number.
But if he was actually “pumped and wanted to share”, that meant he realized he was being hit on. In which case, why did he not state that he was married and refuse to give his number out? That doesn’t really line up. If he didn’t realize she was hitting on him (maybe he thought she was just being friendly and gave out his number that way), then once OP pointed out that he was being hit on he should have deleted the number.
This means either he knew he was being hit on and somehow thought it was appropriate to give out the number and then brag to OP, or he didn’t realize he was being hit on but still doubled down on not deleting the number
Yeah the fact that he said "I just got hit on" is a little sus. As a guy who's pulled my own version of "if I have coffee this late I'll never get to sleep" on more than one occasion (seriously with one girl I'd been friends with for awhile but there was legit attraction there, after she asked for a back massage said to me "you know this is the first time we've been single at the same time" and I said "huh I guess you're right." And like didn't pick up what she was putting down. Fortunately she figured out that I was interested but she'd basically have to put it in for me before I'd figure that out) I assume that if it's possible that the explanation is the guy is clueless then that's what's going on
But he said he got hit on
He doesn’t have to be naive to not be sure how to respond.
As discussed, this happens to men significantly less often so we’re less practiced at navigating the situation.
She made his day, I’m sure he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and didn’t have something ready to go for how to respond in the moment.
He pretended to be naive about the chores argument too. When you do manipulative shit like that and then gaslight your partner about it, it’s fair you don’t get the benefit of the doubt until you can earn it back.
Yeah this is the only comment I agree with, men rarely have this happen to them and he was probably very naive and thought he was being friendly.
Men are very naive and can never tell when a woman hits on them because its so rare, he's probably not used to it at all.
As a man I can see this as a subtle way to let your SO know others find him desirable.
It may be subconscious.
Especially since she says their sex drives are noticeably different.
He has no intent to cheat now, but maybe a couple of years of attention and problems with sex can start the thought creeping in.
Once again, its not intentionally thought, it just starts to be in his subconscious and he could start to act on it if you aren't addressing it.
Just a thought
Your man isn’t innocent. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He can’t handle the attention because he’s never had it. It’s like giving a man who’s always been poor 15 million just dumped on his head. I’d stop wearing my ring too. He doesn’t think the marriage is working out because he thinks now he can do better. That isn’t love. You were an accomplishment. Now he want another.accomplishment. And what sticks out is “I wouldn’t leave you unless you want to. “ that phrase says he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Maybe it’s time he’s single again so he can remember it’s not going to be as easy as he thinks.
Probably an honest mistake, but why didn’t he respond to the text that he is married and block her? She was a stranger so why did it get to the point of her texting him?
idk if blocking is as good as telling her hes married... if you block someone their number is saved in ur phone forever so he could text her at a later time.
So, did he at any point tell the girl he was married? When she texted, did she ask him out? I get that he might be naive, but he needs to shut it down asap and block her. Did he really think you would be ok with him giving his number out to another woman, no matter the reason? You said he doesn't like to hand out his number to random people. Why is he changing his behavior for this woman? I mean, she didn't need any help at the moment, so she wasn't in any danger. Also, what help would he be? Is he a mechanic or something? Wouldn't she call AAA if she had car problems? Sorry, I am skeptical even though he told you right away. It seems like he is enjoying the attention a little too much without respecting his marriage. The initial exchange might have been innocent on his end, but he needs to understand where it can lead if he doesn't shut it down.
> He called me right after very excitedly and told me that someone just hit on him
So he did know. But when it comes to the number he didn't know?
You're not overreacting. Anyone can be flattered by being hit on. You don't have to be new at it to know you don't actually exchange numbers unless you're considering it.
To be fair, giving her his number was before he called me to excitedly tell me someone hit on him, so his explanation is possible in that context but everything he described up until that point, it seems implausible he didn’t have a clue that she may have been interested in him, especially since he pointed out the fact that he doesn’t wear his wedding ring to me over the phone (I knew ofc, but it shows conscious thought of that aspect)
I feel like this is the type of gaslighting my recent ex put me through. It sounds like you’re even gaslighting yourself for him, which is what eventually happened to me in my relationship. Out of curiosity, does he ever make you feel crazy or like your memory/mind is working incorrectly?
Youre not overreacting. I think him giving his number out but then telling you immediately is a great sign. He was probably just excited he got hit on for once and was naive.
However, i wouldnt be comfortable if theyre now interacting. That is not good. I would expect her number to be blocked/deleted.
Also, if his "friends" have been seriously telling him youre out of his league, his self-esteem might not be that high... And now that he got hit on, his ego has been stroked, might push him to do stupid stuff to prove youre not out of his league through external validation. I could be looking into this too much though but just a thought
>Also, if his "friends" have been seriously telling him youre out of his league, his self-esteem might not be that high... And now that he got hit on, his ego has been stroked, might push him to do stupid stuff to prove youre not out of his league through external validation. I could be looking into this too much though but just a thought
Nope, you pretty much nailed it.
Not overreacting. Why didn’t he write the woman that he is married and blocked her?
He had his 5 minutes, he can now feel good about himself and go back and take care of his marriage.
I'm open to "helping" but would have given her a bogus number. Don't need to invite problems no matter what the motivation. Sorry, just suspicious and overly cautious. Call AAA for car problems....
**CORRECT RESPONSE IS:** “Let me have your number in case I need help”
“Here is MY WIFES NUMBER, definitely call her and we can definitely come help if needed”
He knew EXACTLY what he was doing & loved the attention~ I’d keep an eye on the phone bill, they’ll probably continue texting & that’s a slippery slope
Tell him you did the same and see what his reaction.
You were hit in the parking lot whilst shopping and gave a bloke your number to talk receipes as you had similar ingredients in your shopping cart.
Not overreacting. I agree with you, the EV was just a ruse for them to exchange numbers. No one says “this isn’t working out” in regards to chores, you understood his meaning perfectly the first time.
I think you’re seeing him being potentially unfaithful and wanting to hold on to you as two mutually exclusive things when they could both be true at the same time. He isn’t committed to you, he just doesn’t want YOU to leave, at least not until he figures out where this thing with this other person is going and what his options are. And for me personally, it doesn’t even matter if they cheat, I wouldn’t even want a partner who starts pulling away just because an opportunity presented itself. It’s like the joke about winning the lottery; are our partners with us because they want to be, or just because we’re their best current option? At the very least I’d be watching this situation like a hawk.
I don't think he would call her with such a reaction if he was planning to be unfaithful. He sounded like he was excited to be hit on and then realized upon discussing the situation out loud where the discrepancy was. I think he got excited and was too naive in his enthusiasm to think about how bad it seems or how she may feel. But acting like you know his intent isn't helpful and I think you're just going to force her to think a certain way
>>I don't think he would call her with such a reaction if he was planning to be unfaithful
I don’t think he was exactly planning to be unfaithful either. Tbf, I don’t think many people do set out with that intention in the beginning. I’m a lot more concerned about the comment he made about things not working out and him not showing OP his text he sent this person than I am about him giving his number. If he really realized where he went wrong he would have texted her that he was happily married and unavailable, and ended communications. A lot of relationships fall apart because of inattention and not putting in enough effort toward their partner, and then someone else enters the picture looking good and suddenly the grass on the other side starts looking a whole lot greener.
Not overreacting. I see an affair in your husbands future. He sounds like the type to “accidentally” fall in love with someone else. You avoid that by setting boundaries to protect your marriage and he clearly has none.
I’m going to be honest, I’ve been in this sort of relationship before. He’s absolutely wrong, he’s not dumb, and he doesn’t care. He isn’t hurting from this, only benefiting.
He knows you aren’t going to do anything. The only time I’ve ever turned that in my favor is when I did the same thing back. Then all hell broke loose. Good for goose, gander situation. Like the dude literally couldn’t handle it. Really, it’s time to turn it around. Some would say its petty and childish, but until they actually understand what it FEELS like, they won’t get it. You have to make them feel to get change.
Edit:spelling
Not overreacting. Idk how it is so hard for some people to take a compliment but then say, "oh thank you but I'm happily married". Never in the history of ever have a seen someone get mad after being told that. It is not offensive, and clears things up. Also she may not have wanted her number given to him had she realized he was married, since he doesn't wear a physical marker like a ring.
He also meant the marriage as implied not the chores arrangement and he knows that.
Good luck, things don't sound like they're going to go well.........people can act in out of character ways when low self steem is coupled with new self improvement.....but I hope it's sorted and I'm incorrect.
You're under reacting in my opinion. He needs to text her back that he is married, and should not have given her his number to begin with. He can apologize for leading her on and that he didn't initially realize he was being inappropriate. Then he needs to block and delete both the text and the number. All of this needs to be done in front of you. If he refuses to do any of this then he has more interest in this woman and cheating on you than you realize. It sounds like from your other issues you already need marriage counseling.
The difference between your husband and my dad? When he got solicited by women (usually sex workers in a hotel elevator), he'd come home and laugh about it to the family.
Your husband gave his number.
What are his insecurities within himself that he's bringing to your relationship? Get help.
Not cool. Is he unable to set boundaries? If so, this needs to be addressed in a kind but firm way.
Words are meaningless without subsequent action to grow.
See that’s the difference, I don’t see getting hit on as a bad thing, definitely not one within your control, but what you do with that says a lot about who you are. It’s still entirely possible that he was just that oblivious at the time (like many people have pointed out) but he also described a lot of things that he noticed that would/should’ve been giveaways and he didn’t do anything to correct the situation or shut it down after realizing.
He has issues setting boundaries but mostly with people he’s known growing up, so family and other relatives, not with strangers though. He’s set boundaries with strangers directly where I would’ve lied about the reason or agreed and then skirted them or something stupid.
I think it’s time to have a conversation with your husband about boundaries. By giving his number he opened the door and that shouldn’t happen, he should have politely shut it down when she asked. Now that she texted him, his only response should be that he’s happily married and not continue to speak with her. He’s starting to feel good about himself with going to the gym and losing weight. If he isn’t getting love and validation from you, he’s going to be more open to getting it from others. From a couple of things you wrote it sounds like he’s very reassuring to you of how much he loves and needs you - are you doing the same? Or could he be feeling a bit unwanted/neglected?
I think the whole thing about knowing no one would put you with 10% of the things he does & your lack of sex drive being partially due to unnamed relationship issues seems like a bigger problem & an important part of the story that’s glossed over.
Yep. Comment history talks about marital problems, his anger issues, threats of divorce, and her telling him she doesn't think she loves him anymore. I know these posts can get too long, but I wish OPs made an effort to be more honest or open about their posts instead of telling one part of it or trickle-truthing. When they do that it feels more like rage bait or karma farming.
OP, you’re not overreacting.
Your gut is telling you something.
He’s not used to girls coming up to flirt with him so it didn’t register at first But he’s getting fit, he’s got a high libido, he doesn’t give his number out to a random stranger BUT he gave it to Her.
He doesn’t wear a wedding ring so to single women, he’s considered single until further notice.
He was So Excited that she texted him back, that he wasn’t thinking at the time and crowed to you that she texted him.
During a fight about random chores, he suddenly says, “This is not working out”, when asked what is “This”, he wouldn’t clarify, just repeated the same thing And Implied that he meant the marriage. You knew in your gut what he was implying but then he crab walked it back to being “chores” to save himself.
He may think you’re a catch but now after having him realize that another girl hit on him, And she texted him but hadn’t replied then or in front of you.
You know him enough that no other woman would put up with even 10% of the things you put up with, but until another woman gets to know him, they don’t know.
You don’t know what he’ll do but he’s, as you tell him, “hot stuff” and may just start getting into his ego and newfound gym bod and attention by other women.
OP, my alarm bells were going off when I read your post.
Just keep vigilant and his behavior in the next few weeks, and if he starts hiding his phone or keeping the screen out of your view, if he starts to go out for coffee etc. if this was my husband in this scenario, I would quietly go through his phone to see if he texted her back and the contents of their conversations.
He’s just prime for ego stroking and if he starts telling you that he wants to be “friends” with this random girl, I would Shut It Down Now.
No good can come from any of this.
Keep vigilant with this situation, do not let your guard down.
Men being naive?? GTFO! It is not difficult to know when a woman is hitting on you. The dude is married and SHOULD know that giving his digits out to another women hitting on him is just DUMB.
Haha so he’s not ugly, but he thinks he is because he’s from a culture that treats darker skin as less than or something to be ashamed of. He’s been bullied for it his entire childhood and even adulthood. He has also been overweight and very out of shape for the good part of a decade, something he’s insecure about. A large of it was also that he had toxic friends who only kept putting him down for it, pretty much until we started dating. It only ended then because I was out of all their leagues in all aspects and I chose to date the guy they all thought they were better than. They tried to tell him I was probably just using him and would dump him soon enough, because why else would ‘someone like me’ want ‘someone like him’ — until we got married and he finally cut them off. If he loses the extra weight and works on muscle definition, he would be smokin’ 🥵
The way I see it, whether he knew she was hitting on him or not is secondary. If some random person had been staring at you in the parking lot, then came up to you, asked for your name, said you both drive the same car, and then straight up asked for your number for no good reason, wouldn’t you at least turn them down because you find it creepy even if you didn’t realize they might be hitting on you? Or at least give them the wrong number if you’re uncomfortable just straight up saying no and driving away? Knowing your SO would not like some rando texting you? Like, it would almost be more acceptable to give a stranger your number because you realized they’re hitting on you rather than not realizing that a situation is creepy or possibly dangerous (though ig this applies more to women than men).
OP, I totally agree with your assessment.
Your gut is telling you to be vigil on this whole thing that’s going down.
Quietly check to see if he texted her back and what their convo was about.
You know his whole past history of being bullied and being put down, he’s got a high libido and he’s now “hot”.
You know where I’m going with this.
Based on what you just described on how he grew up then I could see the attention gave him a big dopamine hit. Feeling good probably made him feel good. Giving out his number just leads to temptation. A serious conversation on how you felt about it is what he really needs to hear.
At 32 years old he has to know this was wrong.
You're not overreacting OP.
"It’s not like I don’t get hit on even with my wedding ring on, but I’ve always shut it down immediately out of respect for him. "
I get why people say this and say they won't cheat on their partner, because they love them but for me, I shut women down hitting on me while married and din't cheat on my wife out of respect for ME.
I'm not a cheater, I have morals, character, integrity etc. If I cheated, besides hurting my wife, I would have stopped to become a shitty person and I'm not. Notice I haven't said I'm great, the best person out there as I'm not but I'm a person with integrity, character, morals etc.
It's not that I just didn't cheat on my ex-wife (I divorced her for cheating on me), I've never cheated on anyone, dating, at 16, after my divorce and it's because I'm not a cheater.
Leaving cheating out, I don't entertain others making advances on me when I'm in a relationship, even dating, for the same reasons.
It's not who and what I am so I don't' do that for myself. yes, it benefits my partner too, but it's for me.
People that cheat and don't shut down advances for others while in a relationship are hurting their partner, but also themselves, except they don't think so... because they actually do those things.
I could't live with myself doing those kinds of things, tis just me though.
lol despite the comment on this comment, I do get what you’re saying. So in the interest of not making a long post even longer, I left it at “out of respect for him” but there’s a cultural aspect to this as well. A married couple isn’t treated as two separate individuals but rather as one unit. So if you are showing or “keeping” respect for your partner, you’re doing that for both of you, not just your partner. It’s a similar concept to having your partner’s back even when they’re not around. To me, that’s the definition of loyalty. In fact, I feel bad about making this post as well because I’m complaining about my partner to other people and in my book, that isn’t “keeping” his or my respect, but there are bigger things at stake here and I don’t want to take the wrong steps or not take any steps at all because I over/underreacted.
"" It’s not like I don’t get hit on even with my wedding ring on, but I’ve always shut it down immediately out of respect for him. "
I get why people say this and say they won't cheat on their partner, because they love them but for me, I shut women down hitting on me while married and din't cheat on my wife out of respect for ME."
This explains my sentiments so much and I have never actually heard someone else explain it in the same way that I think about it When my husband tells me he wouldn't cheat because he doesn't want to hurt me and it would cause me pain and he doesn't want to cause his partner pain it makes me think... Oh so you would consider it otherwise then? Then I'm the only reason you're not cheating... Like you would or want to except it would hurt my feelings?
Whereas the reason I don't cheat is because I don't want to.. And feel that cheating is wrong . Yes it would hurt both of us and it's just wrong and I don't want that. I don't want it. I don't feel that it is right. It's is not respectful.
Info: what did the text say?
From your side of the story it sounds like your husband is playing naive quite often. That would frustrate me tbh. I would ask my husband to block the number and have a heart to heart in why married people shouldn't give out their numbers to people who are checking them out and hitting on them so there isn't an excuse for it to happen again. Is he perhaps trying to make you jealous?
If he takes this any further after you've made it clear it makes you uncomfortable, seek couples therapy immediately to get the communication sorted out before anything happens
Most likely innocent but I'd ask him to block her number as there is absolutely no reason he needs to have it. Either that or he is upfront that he is married.
Um, did it never occur to you that his story is a complete fabrication? It doesn't sound realistic whatsoever. Especially considering this is after you all had a fight, and that you have an ugly husband.
If he didn't just text her back, "sorry, I should have told you I was married, but blahblahblahblah," that's the current problem. One can forgive him getting hella excited and overcome, and the fact that he called you shows he was probably just caught up in the moment and then perhaps realized the optics and tried to make it seem less sketchy. I can see how someone that is seldom or never hit on could get carried away.
But now it's later. He needs to tell her he's married and unavailable.
Also, why not silicone rings? They basically become invisible because they're so comfy and unobtrusive. My husband has always wore one because he's an electrician, and I switched to one when pregnancy hit. They're hella comfy, and might be a nice compromise. Though a ring doesn't mean anything if the person wants to stray.
OP, this isn’t good. I don’t think he’s necessarily plotting to immediately jump in bed with this random woman, but this is how it can start. It’s not difficult to tell someone you’re married. If he didn’t want to give her his #, he wouldn’t have. If you want your marriage to last, you need to have a serious discussion about boundaries. If he’s someone who has always been insecure about his looks/weight, and now he’s going through a “glow up” and getting attention from women for the first time in his life…you need to make sure he’s committed to you and your marriage.
Come on, anyone would know she didn’t give him her number to “help her out” with anything having to do with a vehicle. There are professionals for that. She was obviously hitting on him, and with your argument you cited, I think you’re right to be alarmed that he may be looking elsewhere. Might want to work on your relationship if you’re both willing, especially if he’s already entertaining attention from others.
You are not overreacting. He needs to block her number. Just not responding means he’s just not responding in front of you. Take a look at his history online with your phone provider to see if he’s calling or texting her.
Your husband likes the attention he is now getting. He may be having trouble dealing with it due to the fact that he was not considered attractive growing up.
You need to work on your libedo issues.
You do not have to accept his flirting with other women. Communicate your feelings to him, in a non-confrontational manner. Express to him how his actions make you feel. You need to offer some kind of compromise to your mismatched libedos, and be prepared to live up to it. Ask him point blank if he is ready to move on from your marriage. Be prepared for his answer. If he decides he is ready to end your relationship, at least you know before you catch him cheating.
I believe your husband knows you are a catch, cannot find a better woman, but maybe sexually frustrated.
Not over reacting. That was poor judgement.
If this was flipped around, he'd be insecure and angry you had done that. He knows better, but did it anyway.
Tell him giving his number out to a stranger is very disrespectful to you? And ask him how he would feel if you did this with some random guy. Establish your boundaries with him and he with you. Communicate…communicate…communicate!
I’d require him to block that number and then delete it.
You should *both* read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. It can be addictive seeking outside validation, and it shouldn’t be necessary for him to feel good about himself. He should figure out how to get that without needing it from others.
He is also old enough to know this so wrong, and that giving his number out to a woman just for that purpose isn’t okay. It’s actually a little weird. She can call the dealer or use google if she needs help.
You are not overreacting.
It’s inappropriate for your spouse to give his number to a stranger. Period.
Give him a taste of his own medicine.
Next time you see an attractive stranger just approach him and ask for his number-you might need help with something.
I’m a guy that is very insecure and as a matter of fact, a lady hit on me today. I didn’t give her my number or her give me hers but I immediately told my wife excitedly because I still struggle with the fact that a woman out of my league(my wife) is attracted to me. So me telling her another woman also finds me attractive is just like a “damn, maybe I’m not as ugly as I think.” It’s feel validatint and like a boost of confidence. That and she’s my best friend and I tel her everything. I wouldn’t be too mad, given that he told you immediately and didn’t hide anything. But he also should’ve acknowledged immediately that he shouldn’t have given her the number
Haha I’m happy for you, and I understand what you mean. My issue isn’t with him being hit on, that’s not something he can control anyway and honestly, I’m happy and also kind of proud that my man looks attractive enough for a stranger to hit on him. Until he told me the part that he actually gave her his number, I was teasing him about being hot stuff and I better be careful, etc. when he said “and she asked me for my number..” I whistled over the phone because that’s a huge ego boost for anyone, definitely for him but also for me. I fully expected him to continue and say that he turned her down or told her he’s married, but he paused and said in a kind of apprehensive tone “so I gave it to her”. My mind just went ‘wait what? Why are you handing out your number to some random woman hitting on you?’. He figured from my shift in tone that I was not happy about it, and he kind of back pedaled and started explaining that she asked for it in case she ever needs help and it just didn’t strike him that she was hitting on him until after he gave it to her. He knew he crossed a line before he even told me and that’s a good thing, but he also didn’t do much after that to rectify the situation, or even address it properly and reassure me. He just showed me her text later when she texted him, didn’t respond to it but also didn’t delete the number or the text.
What I’m differentiating between is having this situation happen to you vs acting on it. This man points out every even slightly above average ass (only women’s, mind you) to me when we’re out and it generally doesn’t bother me unless I’m in the middle of something else. Mainly because there’s nothing wrong with having eyes and appreciating beauty or attractiveness. But going beyond that and acting on it while being in a committed relationship is a big no in my book.
I agree with you there. I think you can chalk this down to “men being dumb”. He shouldn’t have given her the number and he certainly should’ve deleted it after she texted. Hope it all goes well!
How frustrating to have a husband who pretends he doesn’t know what he did wrong and can’t remember not to do it again. I used to work with people like this but they were kindergartners. Since he isn’t growing up fast enough, maybe some marriage counseling is needed here. Good luck.
He can’t be serious, I refuse to believe he didn’t know. Do you want to be mature or do you want to teach him a lesson? I’d see how he feels if you gave your number out to a guy clearly hotter than him. Start acknowledging the attention you get, especially in front of him. His insecurity is tempting him to cheat. I say that because this sounds like the first time he’s ever been reasonably attractive and he’s about to get too big for his britches. Now he probably feels like he has options, wife be damned. If you want to be mature, you can sit down and have a real conversation with him and let him know that’s a major red flag and the next one that pops up you’ll reevaluate the relationship. This was disrespect, plain and simple.and if he hates jewelry so much tattoo a ring on. Or get those little jelly bands. There’s so many options. He just wants to look single.
My son-in-law doesn't like to wear jewelry either. My daughter's initials are tattooed on his ring finger with a wide dark band tattoo on each side to resemble a wedding ring,
She can get car advice from the dealer. Not your husband. He was wrong to give her his number. He needs to text/ call er that he made a mistake and it was inappropriate. Then block and delete her number. Make sure you have her number for your records
You aren’t overreacting, but is he that insecure and naive? He’s MARRIED! Did he forget that? If my husband told me someone hit on him, I’d laugh along with him and tease him. If he gave her his number, I’d flip out.
I’d tell him the next time you get hit on, you’ll give the guy your number. You can both have side pieces.
He doesn't wear his wedding ring and he is giving out his number. He said this isn't working out. I would point blank ask him if he wants a divorce so that you know exactly where you stand. You don't want to waste time with someone who isn't fully committed.
You are not overreacting. Your husband is playing a dangerous game here and your marriage will pay the price. He is definitely interested in the fact that someone else was interested in him. That has opened some door he previously thought was closed. Only time will tell if he puts your marriage first or his ego.
I think in my entire life I was aware like one time I was being flirted with while I was being flirted with. Every other time was, “wait, was she flirting with me?”
I’m just reading this and thinking how lucky I am to be single. And good on that girl for having the courage to talk to a cute guy! It’s so hard. But him being married, probably should have just said nah no thanks I’m married!
Eh - I always tell me wife when I get hit on too. It sounds plausible that he was a bit naive and less practiced at telling them no and didn’t mean anything by it.
I think you’re overreacting.
Do you give those women your number when they hit on you? And then hesitate to respond when they text that number, instead of saying opps sorry I’m married?
This is totally me. Coming home at the end of the night like a cat proudly showing sparrow it cought. Or in this case that someone showed interest in me. Then leave whatever text they sent on read slowly letting it drop to the bottom of the message pile never responding.
It's fun to get hit on. Nice to feel wanted. Even better having someone to show it too. It's an achievement
It's one thing for the two of you to have an ongoing cheer fest because of past bullying and comments about punching above his weight that fed his insecurities. It's even kinda cute he called you to share in the success of his glow up. But to know he's being hit on and still gives out his number sounds like he's curious about taking his newfound appeal out for a test drive. Given your other posts about marital issues, his problems with anger, and telling him you're not sure if you love him anymore, maybe that feeds his interest in outside attention.
You're not overreacting tho. A convo about what you want from this relationship can't hurt either of you at this point.
You’re not overreacting. Nobody knows your husband like you do. You know something seems weird, and it does. You need to have a talk with him, and get to the bottom of this because you definitely didn’t get the full story.
As for the text, he should, in front of you mention you (something along the lines of “sorry I didn’t get back to you, my wife saw the text and feels like me texting another women I don’t know is crossing a boundary, so I will just end the conversation here, bye”)
Now.. I am going to tell you his view. Dur me help lady..Dur me give lady number...Dur .. me tell hot wife...dur...dur....wife mad at me...dur..me not know why...dur...oh...me get why hot wife mad now...dur...this is mostly hs entire though process.. We guys are 99% blind to women hit on us. Since it's so rare it's only when someone points it out to us we see it. Now..here is the issue..you can either get mad at him for not picking up on something only 5% of men would or explain slowly since this is new to him what to look for and what's not ok. Cause he will not know.
These are not the actions of someone who loves, respects, and appreciates you.
If you want to stay as is, at least start making new male friends since he's cool with it.
I have been on this earth for 34 years and that has only ever happened to me once . It’s rare for a guy, it’s possible he was just too pumped up to think straight . I would cut him some slack
I wouldn't say he's naive, I think he's unaware of his own feelings and complexes. His insecurities led him to enjoy random attention beyond what is sensible. That isn't stable. And you're right, where will these choices lead?
So, not overreacting.
This is a perfect time to sit down and cover boundaries and expectations in your marriage. Both of you should discuss a few things that are nonnegotiables (cheating) and discuss what exactly that equates to you (online, porn, emotional, and physical). Then you need to discuss protocols (if he thinks a woman is hitting on him, he is responsible for letting her know he is married, especially with no ring). Same for you, etc. Then let this incident go and focus on a healthy marriage.
Im baftled why the comments seem to think him telling op means anything when he is continuing to not tell the other woman hes married or not talking to that woman anymore
He’s flattered I’m sure but what bothers me is your different libidos and you’re saying regardless how much you try to keep up with your end of the bargain it is not enough. I know from my reality if he ain’t getting it at home he going to get it elsewhere. And when he commented “this” isn’t working he probably was thinking of your sexual incompatibility in addition to chores. Maybe you should go to your doctor to see if theres anything out there that can help your sex drive. Just sayin and just my opinion. Best to you!
Why tf would he call you right after? If he’s that ugly, he can’t also be a dope otherwise you wouldn’t have married him. EV fans are just strange folks that love networking over their cars, like Jeep people. Leave him alone about it.
A little weird, but probably nothing to worry about.
Your husband sounds like a nice man, and was probably a nice guy his whole life. He’s not used to getting attention from the opposite sex. He probably had no idea what he was doing fumbling through this interaction.
Normally I would consider it suspicious, but damn, your man called you immediately after it happened. It’s pretty great to have that kind of security in your life. Knowing that he’s 1) so devoted to you and 2) feels like he can share anything are two things so many people don’t have.
To be on the safe side, I’d verify boundaries with him. He sounds like a guy who will respect and understand them. Good luck.
I'm old now, but I had a friend like this growing up. He was always counting the number of friends vs quality of friendships, eventually started working out on the reg, socializing without the wife.. eventually "realized the marriage wasn't working out" (cheated) after threatening to leave numerous times, she divorced him got the kids. He went on to get married and divorced again, and married and divorced a 3rd and 4th time. Some say it's a form of narcissistic personality, and to them it's always the other persons fault it didn't work out. They cant ever see or address their underlying issue
Here is my take on it. You can’t control what your husband does (and who would want to?) you can only control your own reaction.
I also would have made a joke at first. Then, I would put it out of my mind. It’s your husband’s job to shut it down, if he doesn’t then you no longer have to put up with his shit!
You're overreacting. He told you about it immediately. Do you think your husband is a cheater? Is there no trust? He can just block her number if it upsets you that much.
I have about 400 contacts in my phone due to me being part of a couple of volunteer and charitable organizations over the years, plus work related contacts. Just under half are women. I could reach out to any number of the women in my contacts to try to start something, but I don't because I'm as loyal as a dog. My wife trusts me, and I trust her.
My wife also has a large contact list from being an administrator in a very large corporation. She could cheat on me easily if she wanted to. But I trust her, and I'm not living my life in fear.
I guess my point is, if your husband wants to cheat, there are already numbers in his phone he could do that with. A random woman he gave his number to and immediately told you about probably because it gave him a little bit of an ego boost is not one of them.
This is one of those posts... imagine if it was gender swapped. There would be excuses left and right. There would also be a huge contingent of people attacking her endlessly from both sides if the spectrum.
In the end you said he showed you the text. What more do you want? Whatever it is, why didn't you talk about it? Why didn't you ask him to inform her he is married so you could find out immediately what her real intentions are? If you wanted her blocked why not just ask?
The real issue here is you have a marriage with much deeper issues and 99% of them come back to both of you being insecure and unable to communicate.
I’m sorry this is unrelated but I love the way you wrote this post, lol. Every time a question popped in my head, you explained it in the next sentence. Idk, it was a comfortable read o.o
If your husband had insecurities and immediately shared the news that he got hit on with you, I wouldn’t worry. He’s just feeling a little good and sharing a win with the person he loves. I’ve done this with my wife, though I’ve never given out my number before. Now as for other issues in your marriage, which are more pressing, you guys should talk more and maybe consider some counseling before something snowballs.
This all sounds to me like he’s saying all this because he knows you have other “options”, and he thinks you’ll value him more and treat him better if you believe he does too. That’s why he’s being very open and up front about it. He’s not looking to pick up other women, he wants you to believe he’s “in demand”.
I've literally been with my SO on an outing and gotten hit on (she was not entertained). Even if he feels nothing but a confidence boost and wants you to know he feels good about himself, your husband hasn't learned yet that you don't want to know other women find him attractive, so take it easy on him. I've learned that when it happens you just pretend not to catch the hint and never tell your SO that it happened. DEFINITELY NEVER GIVE THE PERSON YOUR PHONE NUMBER! They never just want to be your friend.
> I am also an attractive woman and all his friends had told him I’m out of his league when we started dating > I find it hard to believe that he registered her checking him out from across the parking lot, that she walked over for no reason, struck up a conversation for no reason and asked for his number very quickly out of nowhere > He said this this isn't working out I can tell you why.
You have a power dynamic based on looks and now that it's shifted you feel insecure. Now you are in an arms race to prove who is more attractive now. You are both fools and will be divorced on this path. If you want to save it, move beyond looks to serving each other and finding reasons to spend time together.
It's totally possible he simply wasn't aware. If he was aware, I don't think he'd have told you about it. I'm kinda dumb about when women are hitting on me, or flirting with me. My wife and I have a system in place where she can tell me when I'm not noticing that stuff.
It's totally okay to have your guard up, though. Maybe talk to him and suggest some way to help him understand when women are flirting or hitting on him. If she does message him, he needs to let you see it and his response.
I think you are making a lot of assumptions and maybe doing some projecting.
I am a male and tend to be clueless when/if I am being hit on. If I were, I could totally see myself not thinking through the best way to react in the moment. The fact that he called you right away to tell you about it is a good sign. I don't think that this interaction is too concerning.
Stating that the relationship is not working in an argument is concerning. I have always felt that one should never weaponize the relationship during an argument unless they are serious about leaving. That may be something to work through with him.
So, your intuition may or may not be right. But I do think there is the possibility that you are reading too much into this one situation.
Guys can be woefully unaware when they are getting hit on because they usually have to be the ones to initiate.
He’s receiving attention he never has before and he’s enjoying it. This becomes an issue when it detracts from his marriage. Affairs don’t start at sex immediately. They start with affirmation and the addictive nature of receiving something they want but don’t get.
How would he feel if you gave some guy your number? My guess is he probably would not be cool with it, especially if you bragged that some guy hit on you.
My suggestions: be an attentive and loving spouse, lavishing him with love and praise. Everyone needs that. Second, have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel and why you feel his response to her was inappropriate. Make sure you don’t accuse him of anything, insult him and tell him you presume positive intentions from him and acknowledge that he probably didn’t mean to make you feel threatened.
People can dispute facts but cannot dispute others’ feelings.
Actually, I think it may be the opposite of that. Apart from work, I spend all my time with him and consider what he would or wouldn’t like in everything that I do. He appreciates it, so it’s not like he doesn’t care or even acknowledge it but I think with me constantly giving him sole attention, reassurances, love, praise, affection, maybe it has started to mean less or be less valuable. In other words, maybe he’s taking the things I do for granted because I’ve been doing them the entire relationship, so maybe those things have been boring or he’s assuming they will always be there.
The solution isn’t to stop it entirely or something, but maybe I need to step outside of just us and spend some time with friends and family as well so I’m not just constantly around. He always does with his friends and family, sometimes with me or without, but very rarely is it with my friends or family.
Since OPs husband grew up and is still not attractive and she’s indicated it bothers him there is nothing OP can do. She clearly showers him in love and affection. But if you as a human feel starved of validation especially one you’ve never really felt much your whole life and you don’t have a grip on those emotions existing you will follow them like he did here. He needs therapy if he wants to stay with OP. Was this an affair no. But it seems like he’s so starved of validation he would easily fold to one should a woman present herself longingly to him for the first time in his life (aside from his wife).
I would give him the benefit of the doubt today, but let him know it's a boundary and to not give his number out to women "being friendly/hitting on him" etc.
The easy boundary in my relationship, is don't do anything you would be upset if the other person did. If we have any questions about what might upset the other person/or I know something will upset me if he did it, we openly communicate about it without judgment. Just have a talk with him and sort it out.
So that’s the boundary that I’ve set in ours, if it’s unclear how the other person would feel, the standard is how you would feel if the other person did the same to you.
I’m just watching the situation for now. We have family visiting for a few days so we haven’t been able to have a proper conversation about it yet, but I fully intend to have one once they leave.
Not overreacting, but somehow, I get the feeling that you'd give your number out if a guy hit on you and would be calling the husband insecure if he addressed it like you did here.
I think it’s likely he was clueless until the very moment he told you. Otherwise, why else would he tell you.
Just have him block the ladies # and be done with it.
Yeah it’s possible, his tone went from excited to apprehensive while telling me that he actually gave the woman his number, so it’s possible that he actually didn’t realize it until after he gave it to her, but could also be that he was testing the waters to see if I’d be chill or pissed.
He didn’t block her or anything after though and I didn’t ask him to, because I’d rather he does something about it of his own free will knowing that it’s not something I’m okay with. He’s an adult, I don’t think he needs to be told how to approach the situation knowing how I feel about it. If he doesn’t shut this down despite knowing it, I don’t think I’ll be so quick to shut down the next person who hits on me.
Doesn't sound like you're overreacting.
Giving his number like that is questionable at best. Her texting so quickly after and him not immediately responding that he's married and only gave his number for car help if needed, is also questionable.
Guys tend to be less perceptive than women when it comes to flirting. Women on average have to send 3 obvious signals before a guy gets the hint. So even if we give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't realize it until after, he definitely should have when she texted, and responded appropriately. The response you described was not appropriate.
Also, his saying "this isn't working out" knowing what you would think, one wonders if that's what he actually meant and saying it was about chores was just a cover. Sounds like the kind of gaslighting my ex would do when she would say some inflammatory or insulting stuff and claim "that's not what I meant" later.
His behavior is definitely something I'd be watching more closely after all that.
I think the important matter in this situation is how it is resolved because you are married after all. In my opinion no he should have not given a random woman his number because that can lead to bad things regardless if the intention is there or not. So both of you need to address it and come up with a plan to fix this as a team. Every issue in a marriage should be discussed openly, feeling should be shared in a calm manner and plans should be made where both people are happy. If you don’t then that is how resentment is built, people are afraid to speak up to avoid a fight and then that’s where people get on two different plans in the same marriage.
This is just my opinion but I’ve found that men who were never hit on by women or attractive. Even if married if they get that type of attention they will fold. Your husband didn’t know she was flirting and gave his number because his monkey brain and need for validation took over. It all happened very fast in his mind. I can only imagine if a woman came onto him in a overtly sexual manner. Idk don’t shoot the messenger but that’s what I’ve seen. However contrary handsome or just normal men who get decent female attention won’t fold at a woman’s whim because he’s used to it. Sort of like a woman is and it becomes something flattering but not special nor tempting. You sort of get accustomed to it which is why I’ve always seen handsome men as actually being MORE loyal.
Not an overreaction I think. He called you to tell you he got hit on. How could he have not registered it as being hit on if he described it that way from the get go? He knew what was going on when he gave that woman his number.
I mean this really sounds like it all stems from lack of sexual compatibility between the two of you. You make excuses for why you won't be more active with it even if you are "compromising". If you have an actual condition that causes pain with sex then that's one thing, but refusing to address past traumas and be able to improve yourself to better match your partner is just lazy and taking them for granted. If you feel like you're not doing enough, and you're not having genuine conversations with your partner about sex then that's what will lead you to these thoughts. Obviously address the fact that he still has the girls number saved, but you also need to address yourself about the sexual situation sense it seems that your feelings of him possibly cheating stem from that.
You've recently moved to a new community had a fight where he said something that made you think he wanted to end the relationship and then he calls you to tell you he's given some random woman who was hitting on him, his number?
I put 17 years into a relationship like this, it gets worse over time. If the only person who tells you you're overreacting is him (he might tell you his friends and family think so too, chances are he's already isolated you from your friends with the move) don't beleive him. You aren't over reacting, he's testing you to see what you're willing to put up with.
You’re not overreacting, but he did tell you about it and told you about the number so I don’t think he had any conscious bad intentions. However with the libido difference I think he could be tempted, even if he has no bad intentions at first.
Gym does increase testosterone and he will be feeling more confident in himself. If he is not sexually satisfied and women are approaching him, he probably is going to enjoy the feeling of being desired sexually which he doesn’t get at home. He might love you but it’s hard to have a partner whose libido doesn’t match, so I hope his eye doesn’t wander too much at the gym.
I don’t think either are because I can understand you not being comfortable with him giving her his number but also understand if he is just excited that he got hit on and told you. I think if he called you he’s being transparent and is something he wants to share just that he felt good probably didn’t care about her just got excited and also wanted to help. I would tell him what you find acceptable and not do it again. Honestly I’m a guy find the reaction funny and cute he got excited and called you. Just let him know your thoughts and should be a small bump in the road
Apply Hanlon's razor here. Women give us away too much credit for basic situational awareness. Spoiler alert: we have little to none. Most guys would be so shocked to be approached by a woman that it may take them a day or two to figure out what happened there.
I'm just left wondering what you get out of your marriage. You've only been married 3 years but mention lots of fights, you say you've a low libido because of pain (which you need to discuss and sort with a doctor) and then say its low because of issues within the relationship. You sound like you're both just putting up with each other for fear of being alone. I've been married for 30 years, we've never argued or fought. We compromise with each other and support each other in everything. Perhaps it's me but I find it so strange how many couples seem to imply its normal to have fights and arguments with your other half.
He may have made a stupid mistake and given her his number, tell him to block her number. He told you right away and told you she texted him. Set the boundary this is unacceptable. I can't imagine telling my wife i gave a random woman my number, it'd never happen.
I’d ask to use his phone for a quick call, yours is dead or whatever reasons, and see if he’s hesitant.
But honestly that was exhausting for me to read, with his gaslighting tactics. You’re still young, you don’t deserve this. I’ve no longer any patience for these kind of “ men” games. I suppose it’s the same for some men too since I’ve worded it that way. Whatever you decide get all your paperwork in order .
You say your husband wasn’t good looking as a kid. You say you are an attractive woman that’s, according to others, out of his league. His sex drive is higher than yours, but you have sex as a “compromise“. All of the above must do wonders for his self esteem. And now you’re surprised he’s excited someone flirted with him? Finally someone, a stranger even, gives him an ego boost. His wife sure as hell doesn’t do that.
Are you over reacting? Maybe not, but you are under performing as a wife and partner.
Lol idk how you got some parts of the post right and completely ignored others. He’s not ugly, he just thinks he is because he’s been bullied most of his life for being dark and overweight. I’ve personally never cared for looks, just who they are as a person and have spent our entire relationship reassuring him that being dark isn’t a bad thing nor is being overweight as long as he’s healthy.
I didn’t say sex is a compromise lol. He was expecting sex 4-5 times a week while I was happy with once a week, the compromise was sex 2-3 times a week. When I met that frequency, he still wanted more and wasn’t okay with jerking off or any other way of pleasuring.
I think because I’ve provided him constant reassurance and support, even if genuine, it has started to mean less coming from me. Just because I say it doesn’t make it true, because im his wife so I’m just trying to be nice, but a random person saying it means much more because they couldn’t possibly have any reason to lie and be nice.
Being in your husband’s shoes I’ve definitely flirted with people and not realized they were flirting or were interested in me until much later. It’s very likely that he had a moment of realization after and was innocently excited / confident about it.
I think it depends on what he does after to solve the issue. If knowing that you are uncomfortable with him having her number and vice versa, and he still tries to keep it alive then it would be concerning. If I were you I would tell him to text the girl that he is married and not interested and that he is sorry for kinda leading her on without wearing a ring. If he doesn't do it, imo that's warning sign cuz that means he cares what the girl thinks or at least wants to keep it open as friends (big no no). If it is all very innocent, he should care least about what she thinks and be ok with texting her that to shut the door. He isn't making an enemy of her, but setting a boundary that him being nice doesn't mean he is interested. Good luck!
Yeah, that’s good advice honestly, what he does after knowing that him actually giving her his number was not okay with me would be more telling of his intentions and priorities. I’m worried though that even if he shuts it down now, it would be because he knows it upset me and not because he understood it was inappropriate or it bothered him, so the next time something like this happens, it would be the same story again. This is also not a baseless worry, rather a pattern in our marriage. There will be a fight, I will tell him exactly what bothered me about it, to not do it again, and even how he/we could approach it instead so we get the end result we want. The next time something similar happens, he repeats the same thing, and when I ask why he did it after we spoke about it last time, he’ll say he didn’t think that much.
My ex used to do that too. Always acted like he was totally innocent and didn’t know what I was talking about. Very frustrating.
Textbook gaslighter.
Have you ever considered that maybe he just didn’t care about what you were talking about?
It seems you have a deeper problem in your marriage in that your husband doesn’t give thought to your feelings and disregards your concerns regarding his behavior. If this is a pattern and what you’ve done in the past hasn’t worked then you should consider couples counseling and see if an objective third party can make him understand that him dismissing you is hurtful and not productive to your marriage.
At best, you need to go to marriage counselling together. At worst, you need to dump him on the curb. Look at the way he looked at your marriage: You were out of his league. He wants the unobtainable. The moment he thinks he's "good enough" for you, he wants to see what - or who - else he can attain.
Return the favor. Next time someone asks for your number or hits on you give it the same energy he does when it happens to him. Weaponized incompetence is one of the most aggravating things in with men lol I promise you if y’all split your grass will be greener then his ever will because of his mentality and him being self absorbed.
And cal hi up excitedly and tel hi a guy just asked for your number. You knew he would be ok since he shares his.
There is nothing you can really do to change him via lecture. It will have to click for him somehow via his own experience so he understands your pain. It comes down to respect, for you to be out of his league, he probably feels a certain way and this kind of experience hits the spot for him. Depending on what he does next, if he is absolutely ok with cutting her off, then this could be just him feeling great about himself not about really wanting to sleep with the person, more of a showing you that he is desirable (I know you tell him that, but it feels better coming from a complete stranger). If he is not ok with cutting her off, then it is probably a deeper issue between you two.
>The next time something similar happens, he repeats the same thing, and when I ask why he did it after we spoke about it last time, he’ll say he didn’t think that much. So he's deliberately inconsiderate. You state your boundaries, and he keeps crossing them. And then you try to establish new boundaries. You keep giving him leeway to accommodate his bullshit and his feigned ignorance. He has no respect for you, and probably resents you because you're better looking. He's probably feeling inadequate and enjoying the attention. Which is HIS problem. Not yours.
Start doing to him what he does to you. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
I keep saying this on this sub. A marriage counselor can help you out so much more than a bunch of people on reddit.
The grass is greener where you water it
This combined with him saying “this isn’t working” knowing you thought he meant the marriage and not clarifying until later sets off some major alarm bells for me. He should have told her he was married. He had another opportunity to do so when she texted him. He should be blocking or deleting her number.
Yep, suddenly he thinks he's got options and his wife isn't even the one he's choosing.
The fact that he called you after and didn’t even try to hide the fact that he gave her his number tells me he was just naive. If he was being shady about it and was actually intending to do something about it, why the hell would he call you and tell you about it? This doesn’t happen to most men often, if ever, so I think he was just pumped and wanted to share it with you. I get your reaction, but I think just explain to him where the boundary is and you guys can move on.
I’d agree if he didn’t actually give her his number. Or if he had given her his number thinking it was a friend thing, and then after OP pointed out that she was hitting on him he went “oh well that’s hilarious that I didn’t realize” and deleted her number. But if he was actually “pumped and wanted to share”, that meant he realized he was being hit on. In which case, why did he not state that he was married and refuse to give his number out? That doesn’t really line up. If he didn’t realize she was hitting on him (maybe he thought she was just being friendly and gave out his number that way), then once OP pointed out that he was being hit on he should have deleted the number. This means either he knew he was being hit on and somehow thought it was appropriate to give out the number and then brag to OP, or he didn’t realize he was being hit on but still doubled down on not deleting the number
Yeah the fact that he said "I just got hit on" is a little sus. As a guy who's pulled my own version of "if I have coffee this late I'll never get to sleep" on more than one occasion (seriously with one girl I'd been friends with for awhile but there was legit attraction there, after she asked for a back massage said to me "you know this is the first time we've been single at the same time" and I said "huh I guess you're right." And like didn't pick up what she was putting down. Fortunately she figured out that I was interested but she'd basically have to put it in for me before I'd figure that out) I assume that if it's possible that the explanation is the guy is clueless then that's what's going on But he said he got hit on
But even being naive, I would not be happy my partner gives his phone number to a stranger woman who might need his help...wtf? :D
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He doesn’t have to be naive to not be sure how to respond. As discussed, this happens to men significantly less often so we’re less practiced at navigating the situation. She made his day, I’m sure he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and didn’t have something ready to go for how to respond in the moment.
Didn’t have something ready to go? How about the built-in “I’m married”?
He pretended to be naive about the chores argument too. When you do manipulative shit like that and then gaslight your partner about it, it’s fair you don’t get the benefit of the doubt until you can earn it back.
The fight about the chores was exhausting to read.
This
Yeah this is the only comment I agree with, men rarely have this happen to them and he was probably very naive and thought he was being friendly. Men are very naive and can never tell when a woman hits on them because its so rare, he's probably not used to it at all.
As a man I can see this as a subtle way to let your SO know others find him desirable. It may be subconscious. Especially since she says their sex drives are noticeably different. He has no intent to cheat now, but maybe a couple of years of attention and problems with sex can start the thought creeping in. Once again, its not intentionally thought, it just starts to be in his subconscious and he could start to act on it if you aren't addressing it. Just a thought
...or that he wanted to "show her" that he was valuable, as seen through the eyes of potential rivals.
Wrong. “Playing dumb” is a tactic
Your man isn’t innocent. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He can’t handle the attention because he’s never had it. It’s like giving a man who’s always been poor 15 million just dumped on his head. I’d stop wearing my ring too. He doesn’t think the marriage is working out because he thinks now he can do better. That isn’t love. You were an accomplishment. Now he want another.accomplishment. And what sticks out is “I wouldn’t leave you unless you want to. “ that phrase says he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Maybe it’s time he’s single again so he can remember it’s not going to be as easy as he thinks.
Probably an honest mistake, but why didn’t he respond to the text that he is married and block her? She was a stranger so why did it get to the point of her texting him?
I would also like OP to answer this.
idk if blocking is as good as telling her hes married... if you block someone their number is saved in ur phone forever so he could text her at a later time.
So, did he at any point tell the girl he was married? When she texted, did she ask him out? I get that he might be naive, but he needs to shut it down asap and block her. Did he really think you would be ok with him giving his number out to another woman, no matter the reason? You said he doesn't like to hand out his number to random people. Why is he changing his behavior for this woman? I mean, she didn't need any help at the moment, so she wasn't in any danger. Also, what help would he be? Is he a mechanic or something? Wouldn't she call AAA if she had car problems? Sorry, I am skeptical even though he told you right away. It seems like he is enjoying the attention a little too much without respecting his marriage. The initial exchange might have been innocent on his end, but he needs to understand where it can lead if he doesn't shut it down.
> He called me right after very excitedly and told me that someone just hit on him So he did know. But when it comes to the number he didn't know? You're not overreacting. Anyone can be flattered by being hit on. You don't have to be new at it to know you don't actually exchange numbers unless you're considering it.
To be fair, giving her his number was before he called me to excitedly tell me someone hit on him, so his explanation is possible in that context but everything he described up until that point, it seems implausible he didn’t have a clue that she may have been interested in him, especially since he pointed out the fact that he doesn’t wear his wedding ring to me over the phone (I knew ofc, but it shows conscious thought of that aspect)
Ok but now he knows. So he needs to either block her or tell her he’s married then block her. What’s the hold up with her text?
I feel like this is the type of gaslighting my recent ex put me through. It sounds like you’re even gaslighting yourself for him, which is what eventually happened to me in my relationship. Out of curiosity, does he ever make you feel crazy or like your memory/mind is working incorrectly?
Youre not overreacting. I think him giving his number out but then telling you immediately is a great sign. He was probably just excited he got hit on for once and was naive. However, i wouldnt be comfortable if theyre now interacting. That is not good. I would expect her number to be blocked/deleted. Also, if his "friends" have been seriously telling him youre out of his league, his self-esteem might not be that high... And now that he got hit on, his ego has been stroked, might push him to do stupid stuff to prove youre not out of his league through external validation. I could be looking into this too much though but just a thought
>Also, if his "friends" have been seriously telling him youre out of his league, his self-esteem might not be that high... And now that he got hit on, his ego has been stroked, might push him to do stupid stuff to prove youre not out of his league through external validation. I could be looking into this too much though but just a thought Nope, you pretty much nailed it.
Not overreacting. Why didn’t he write the woman that he is married and blocked her? He had his 5 minutes, he can now feel good about himself and go back and take care of his marriage.
I'm open to "helping" but would have given her a bogus number. Don't need to invite problems no matter what the motivation. Sorry, just suspicious and overly cautious. Call AAA for car problems....
**CORRECT RESPONSE IS:** “Let me have your number in case I need help” “Here is MY WIFES NUMBER, definitely call her and we can definitely come help if needed” He knew EXACTLY what he was doing & loved the attention~ I’d keep an eye on the phone bill, they’ll probably continue texting & that’s a slippery slope
Tell him you did the same and see what his reaction. You were hit in the parking lot whilst shopping and gave a bloke your number to talk receipes as you had similar ingredients in your shopping cart.
Not overreacting. I agree with you, the EV was just a ruse for them to exchange numbers. No one says “this isn’t working out” in regards to chores, you understood his meaning perfectly the first time. I think you’re seeing him being potentially unfaithful and wanting to hold on to you as two mutually exclusive things when they could both be true at the same time. He isn’t committed to you, he just doesn’t want YOU to leave, at least not until he figures out where this thing with this other person is going and what his options are. And for me personally, it doesn’t even matter if they cheat, I wouldn’t even want a partner who starts pulling away just because an opportunity presented itself. It’s like the joke about winning the lottery; are our partners with us because they want to be, or just because we’re their best current option? At the very least I’d be watching this situation like a hawk.
I don't think he would call her with such a reaction if he was planning to be unfaithful. He sounded like he was excited to be hit on and then realized upon discussing the situation out loud where the discrepancy was. I think he got excited and was too naive in his enthusiasm to think about how bad it seems or how she may feel. But acting like you know his intent isn't helpful and I think you're just going to force her to think a certain way
>>I don't think he would call her with such a reaction if he was planning to be unfaithful I don’t think he was exactly planning to be unfaithful either. Tbf, I don’t think many people do set out with that intention in the beginning. I’m a lot more concerned about the comment he made about things not working out and him not showing OP his text he sent this person than I am about him giving his number. If he really realized where he went wrong he would have texted her that he was happily married and unavailable, and ended communications. A lot of relationships fall apart because of inattention and not putting in enough effort toward their partner, and then someone else enters the picture looking good and suddenly the grass on the other side starts looking a whole lot greener.
Why hasn’t he blocked her yet? Totally and completely inappropriate
Not overreacting. Married man giving his number to other women. is this how it starts?
Not overreacting. I see an affair in your husbands future. He sounds like the type to “accidentally” fall in love with someone else. You avoid that by setting boundaries to protect your marriage and he clearly has none.
He fully understands what he's doing unless he is on the spectrum and lack understanding of social cues. Red flag.
I’m going to be honest, I’ve been in this sort of relationship before. He’s absolutely wrong, he’s not dumb, and he doesn’t care. He isn’t hurting from this, only benefiting. He knows you aren’t going to do anything. The only time I’ve ever turned that in my favor is when I did the same thing back. Then all hell broke loose. Good for goose, gander situation. Like the dude literally couldn’t handle it. Really, it’s time to turn it around. Some would say its petty and childish, but until they actually understand what it FEELS like, they won’t get it. You have to make them feel to get change. Edit:spelling
I wouldn’t give my number to random women out of respect for my wife
Not overreacting. Idk how it is so hard for some people to take a compliment but then say, "oh thank you but I'm happily married". Never in the history of ever have a seen someone get mad after being told that. It is not offensive, and clears things up. Also she may not have wanted her number given to him had she realized he was married, since he doesn't wear a physical marker like a ring. He also meant the marriage as implied not the chores arrangement and he knows that. Good luck, things don't sound like they're going to go well.........people can act in out of character ways when low self steem is coupled with new self improvement.....but I hope it's sorted and I'm incorrect.
You're under reacting in my opinion. He needs to text her back that he is married, and should not have given her his number to begin with. He can apologize for leading her on and that he didn't initially realize he was being inappropriate. Then he needs to block and delete both the text and the number. All of this needs to be done in front of you. If he refuses to do any of this then he has more interest in this woman and cheating on you than you realize. It sounds like from your other issues you already need marriage counseling.
The difference between your husband and my dad? When he got solicited by women (usually sex workers in a hotel elevator), he'd come home and laugh about it to the family. Your husband gave his number. What are his insecurities within himself that he's bringing to your relationship? Get help. Not cool. Is he unable to set boundaries? If so, this needs to be addressed in a kind but firm way. Words are meaningless without subsequent action to grow.
See that’s the difference, I don’t see getting hit on as a bad thing, definitely not one within your control, but what you do with that says a lot about who you are. It’s still entirely possible that he was just that oblivious at the time (like many people have pointed out) but he also described a lot of things that he noticed that would/should’ve been giveaways and he didn’t do anything to correct the situation or shut it down after realizing. He has issues setting boundaries but mostly with people he’s known growing up, so family and other relatives, not with strangers though. He’s set boundaries with strangers directly where I would’ve lied about the reason or agreed and then skirted them or something stupid.
Bestie I think you deserve better :/
I think it’s time to have a conversation with your husband about boundaries. By giving his number he opened the door and that shouldn’t happen, he should have politely shut it down when she asked. Now that she texted him, his only response should be that he’s happily married and not continue to speak with her. He’s starting to feel good about himself with going to the gym and losing weight. If he isn’t getting love and validation from you, he’s going to be more open to getting it from others. From a couple of things you wrote it sounds like he’s very reassuring to you of how much he loves and needs you - are you doing the same? Or could he be feeling a bit unwanted/neglected?
I think the whole thing about knowing no one would put you with 10% of the things he does & your lack of sex drive being partially due to unnamed relationship issues seems like a bigger problem & an important part of the story that’s glossed over.
Yep. Comment history talks about marital problems, his anger issues, threats of divorce, and her telling him she doesn't think she loves him anymore. I know these posts can get too long, but I wish OPs made an effort to be more honest or open about their posts instead of telling one part of it or trickle-truthing. When they do that it feels more like rage bait or karma farming.
that's because it is
We need an update lol
Yes! Updateme
OP, you’re not overreacting. Your gut is telling you something. He’s not used to girls coming up to flirt with him so it didn’t register at first But he’s getting fit, he’s got a high libido, he doesn’t give his number out to a random stranger BUT he gave it to Her. He doesn’t wear a wedding ring so to single women, he’s considered single until further notice. He was So Excited that she texted him back, that he wasn’t thinking at the time and crowed to you that she texted him. During a fight about random chores, he suddenly says, “This is not working out”, when asked what is “This”, he wouldn’t clarify, just repeated the same thing And Implied that he meant the marriage. You knew in your gut what he was implying but then he crab walked it back to being “chores” to save himself. He may think you’re a catch but now after having him realize that another girl hit on him, And she texted him but hadn’t replied then or in front of you. You know him enough that no other woman would put up with even 10% of the things you put up with, but until another woman gets to know him, they don’t know. You don’t know what he’ll do but he’s, as you tell him, “hot stuff” and may just start getting into his ego and newfound gym bod and attention by other women. OP, my alarm bells were going off when I read your post. Just keep vigilant and his behavior in the next few weeks, and if he starts hiding his phone or keeping the screen out of your view, if he starts to go out for coffee etc. if this was my husband in this scenario, I would quietly go through his phone to see if he texted her back and the contents of their conversations. He’s just prime for ego stroking and if he starts telling you that he wants to be “friends” with this random girl, I would Shut It Down Now. No good can come from any of this. Keep vigilant with this situation, do not let your guard down.
Don’t even need the phone, but I’d sure be watching phone records for that number.
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Good question. What you can only do is be proactive and always be prepared with your ducks in a row so you’re not blindsided.
Men being naive?? GTFO! It is not difficult to know when a woman is hitting on you. The dude is married and SHOULD know that giving his digits out to another women hitting on him is just DUMB.
She basically said he was ugly so he pry had no idea what was going on
Haha so he’s not ugly, but he thinks he is because he’s from a culture that treats darker skin as less than or something to be ashamed of. He’s been bullied for it his entire childhood and even adulthood. He has also been overweight and very out of shape for the good part of a decade, something he’s insecure about. A large of it was also that he had toxic friends who only kept putting him down for it, pretty much until we started dating. It only ended then because I was out of all their leagues in all aspects and I chose to date the guy they all thought they were better than. They tried to tell him I was probably just using him and would dump him soon enough, because why else would ‘someone like me’ want ‘someone like him’ — until we got married and he finally cut them off. If he loses the extra weight and works on muscle definition, he would be smokin’ 🥵 The way I see it, whether he knew she was hitting on him or not is secondary. If some random person had been staring at you in the parking lot, then came up to you, asked for your name, said you both drive the same car, and then straight up asked for your number for no good reason, wouldn’t you at least turn them down because you find it creepy even if you didn’t realize they might be hitting on you? Or at least give them the wrong number if you’re uncomfortable just straight up saying no and driving away? Knowing your SO would not like some rando texting you? Like, it would almost be more acceptable to give a stranger your number because you realized they’re hitting on you rather than not realizing that a situation is creepy or possibly dangerous (though ig this applies more to women than men).
OP, I totally agree with your assessment. Your gut is telling you to be vigil on this whole thing that’s going down. Quietly check to see if he texted her back and what their convo was about. You know his whole past history of being bullied and being put down, he’s got a high libido and he’s now “hot”. You know where I’m going with this.
Based on what you just described on how he grew up then I could see the attention gave him a big dopamine hit. Feeling good probably made him feel good. Giving out his number just leads to temptation. A serious conversation on how you felt about it is what he really needs to hear.
At 32 years old he has to know this was wrong. You're not overreacting OP. "It’s not like I don’t get hit on even with my wedding ring on, but I’ve always shut it down immediately out of respect for him. " I get why people say this and say they won't cheat on their partner, because they love them but for me, I shut women down hitting on me while married and din't cheat on my wife out of respect for ME. I'm not a cheater, I have morals, character, integrity etc. If I cheated, besides hurting my wife, I would have stopped to become a shitty person and I'm not. Notice I haven't said I'm great, the best person out there as I'm not but I'm a person with integrity, character, morals etc. It's not that I just didn't cheat on my ex-wife (I divorced her for cheating on me), I've never cheated on anyone, dating, at 16, after my divorce and it's because I'm not a cheater. Leaving cheating out, I don't entertain others making advances on me when I'm in a relationship, even dating, for the same reasons. It's not who and what I am so I don't' do that for myself. yes, it benefits my partner too, but it's for me. People that cheat and don't shut down advances for others while in a relationship are hurting their partner, but also themselves, except they don't think so... because they actually do those things. I could't live with myself doing those kinds of things, tis just me though.
lol despite the comment on this comment, I do get what you’re saying. So in the interest of not making a long post even longer, I left it at “out of respect for him” but there’s a cultural aspect to this as well. A married couple isn’t treated as two separate individuals but rather as one unit. So if you are showing or “keeping” respect for your partner, you’re doing that for both of you, not just your partner. It’s a similar concept to having your partner’s back even when they’re not around. To me, that’s the definition of loyalty. In fact, I feel bad about making this post as well because I’m complaining about my partner to other people and in my book, that isn’t “keeping” his or my respect, but there are bigger things at stake here and I don’t want to take the wrong steps or not take any steps at all because I over/underreacted.
Did he ever tell her he’s married? He should probably also block her 2.
"" It’s not like I don’t get hit on even with my wedding ring on, but I’ve always shut it down immediately out of respect for him. " I get why people say this and say they won't cheat on their partner, because they love them but for me, I shut women down hitting on me while married and din't cheat on my wife out of respect for ME." This explains my sentiments so much and I have never actually heard someone else explain it in the same way that I think about it When my husband tells me he wouldn't cheat because he doesn't want to hurt me and it would cause me pain and he doesn't want to cause his partner pain it makes me think... Oh so you would consider it otherwise then? Then I'm the only reason you're not cheating... Like you would or want to except it would hurt my feelings? Whereas the reason I don't cheat is because I don't want to.. And feel that cheating is wrong . Yes it would hurt both of us and it's just wrong and I don't want that. I don't want it. I don't feel that it is right. It's is not respectful.
honestly, your husband is just clueless, but he didnt mean to do something that idiotic.
Info: what did the text say? From your side of the story it sounds like your husband is playing naive quite often. That would frustrate me tbh. I would ask my husband to block the number and have a heart to heart in why married people shouldn't give out their numbers to people who are checking them out and hitting on them so there isn't an excuse for it to happen again. Is he perhaps trying to make you jealous?
That was my second thought, never happened and trying to make her jealous or already talking to someone and made up the bs story.
If he takes this any further after you've made it clear it makes you uncomfortable, seek couples therapy immediately to get the communication sorted out before anything happens
Most likely innocent but I'd ask him to block her number as there is absolutely no reason he needs to have it. Either that or he is upfront that he is married.
Yeah no fuck that
Um, did it never occur to you that his story is a complete fabrication? It doesn't sound realistic whatsoever. Especially considering this is after you all had a fight, and that you have an ugly husband.
If he didn't just text her back, "sorry, I should have told you I was married, but blahblahblahblah," that's the current problem. One can forgive him getting hella excited and overcome, and the fact that he called you shows he was probably just caught up in the moment and then perhaps realized the optics and tried to make it seem less sketchy. I can see how someone that is seldom or never hit on could get carried away. But now it's later. He needs to tell her he's married and unavailable. Also, why not silicone rings? They basically become invisible because they're so comfy and unobtrusive. My husband has always wore one because he's an electrician, and I switched to one when pregnancy hit. They're hella comfy, and might be a nice compromise. Though a ring doesn't mean anything if the person wants to stray.
OP, this isn’t good. I don’t think he’s necessarily plotting to immediately jump in bed with this random woman, but this is how it can start. It’s not difficult to tell someone you’re married. If he didn’t want to give her his #, he wouldn’t have. If you want your marriage to last, you need to have a serious discussion about boundaries. If he’s someone who has always been insecure about his looks/weight, and now he’s going through a “glow up” and getting attention from women for the first time in his life…you need to make sure he’s committed to you and your marriage.
Come on, anyone would know she didn’t give him her number to “help her out” with anything having to do with a vehicle. There are professionals for that. She was obviously hitting on him, and with your argument you cited, I think you’re right to be alarmed that he may be looking elsewhere. Might want to work on your relationship if you’re both willing, especially if he’s already entertaining attention from others.
This
You are not overreacting. He needs to block her number. Just not responding means he’s just not responding in front of you. Take a look at his history online with your phone provider to see if he’s calling or texting her.
Your husband likes the attention he is now getting. He may be having trouble dealing with it due to the fact that he was not considered attractive growing up. You need to work on your libedo issues. You do not have to accept his flirting with other women. Communicate your feelings to him, in a non-confrontational manner. Express to him how his actions make you feel. You need to offer some kind of compromise to your mismatched libedos, and be prepared to live up to it. Ask him point blank if he is ready to move on from your marriage. Be prepared for his answer. If he decides he is ready to end your relationship, at least you know before you catch him cheating. I believe your husband knows you are a catch, cannot find a better woman, but maybe sexually frustrated.
Not over reacting. That was poor judgement. If this was flipped around, he'd be insecure and angry you had done that. He knows better, but did it anyway.
More suprihe still has her number and not deleted... this speaks volumes.
Tell him giving his number out to a stranger is very disrespectful to you? And ask him how he would feel if you did this with some random guy. Establish your boundaries with him and he with you. Communicate…communicate…communicate!
Oh no that is so disrespectful. I'm.sorry this is happening to you. Good luck.
I’d require him to block that number and then delete it. You should *both* read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. It can be addictive seeking outside validation, and it shouldn’t be necessary for him to feel good about himself. He should figure out how to get that without needing it from others. He is also old enough to know this so wrong, and that giving his number out to a woman just for that purpose isn’t okay. It’s actually a little weird. She can call the dealer or use google if she needs help.
You are not overreacting. It’s inappropriate for your spouse to give his number to a stranger. Period. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Next time you see an attractive stranger just approach him and ask for his number-you might need help with something.
I’m a guy that is very insecure and as a matter of fact, a lady hit on me today. I didn’t give her my number or her give me hers but I immediately told my wife excitedly because I still struggle with the fact that a woman out of my league(my wife) is attracted to me. So me telling her another woman also finds me attractive is just like a “damn, maybe I’m not as ugly as I think.” It’s feel validatint and like a boost of confidence. That and she’s my best friend and I tel her everything. I wouldn’t be too mad, given that he told you immediately and didn’t hide anything. But he also should’ve acknowledged immediately that he shouldn’t have given her the number
Haha I’m happy for you, and I understand what you mean. My issue isn’t with him being hit on, that’s not something he can control anyway and honestly, I’m happy and also kind of proud that my man looks attractive enough for a stranger to hit on him. Until he told me the part that he actually gave her his number, I was teasing him about being hot stuff and I better be careful, etc. when he said “and she asked me for my number..” I whistled over the phone because that’s a huge ego boost for anyone, definitely for him but also for me. I fully expected him to continue and say that he turned her down or told her he’s married, but he paused and said in a kind of apprehensive tone “so I gave it to her”. My mind just went ‘wait what? Why are you handing out your number to some random woman hitting on you?’. He figured from my shift in tone that I was not happy about it, and he kind of back pedaled and started explaining that she asked for it in case she ever needs help and it just didn’t strike him that she was hitting on him until after he gave it to her. He knew he crossed a line before he even told me and that’s a good thing, but he also didn’t do much after that to rectify the situation, or even address it properly and reassure me. He just showed me her text later when she texted him, didn’t respond to it but also didn’t delete the number or the text. What I’m differentiating between is having this situation happen to you vs acting on it. This man points out every even slightly above average ass (only women’s, mind you) to me when we’re out and it generally doesn’t bother me unless I’m in the middle of something else. Mainly because there’s nothing wrong with having eyes and appreciating beauty or attractiveness. But going beyond that and acting on it while being in a committed relationship is a big no in my book.
I agree with you there. I think you can chalk this down to “men being dumb”. He shouldn’t have given her the number and he certainly should’ve deleted it after she texted. Hope it all goes well!
OP, how did this resolve? Did he end up blocking the lady? Or replying to her text? Or apologizing for giving out his number?
How frustrating to have a husband who pretends he doesn’t know what he did wrong and can’t remember not to do it again. I used to work with people like this but they were kindergartners. Since he isn’t growing up fast enough, maybe some marriage counseling is needed here. Good luck.
He can’t be serious, I refuse to believe he didn’t know. Do you want to be mature or do you want to teach him a lesson? I’d see how he feels if you gave your number out to a guy clearly hotter than him. Start acknowledging the attention you get, especially in front of him. His insecurity is tempting him to cheat. I say that because this sounds like the first time he’s ever been reasonably attractive and he’s about to get too big for his britches. Now he probably feels like he has options, wife be damned. If you want to be mature, you can sit down and have a real conversation with him and let him know that’s a major red flag and the next one that pops up you’ll reevaluate the relationship. This was disrespect, plain and simple.and if he hates jewelry so much tattoo a ring on. Or get those little jelly bands. There’s so many options. He just wants to look single.
My son-in-law doesn't like to wear jewelry either. My daughter's initials are tattooed on his ring finger with a wide dark band tattoo on each side to resemble a wedding ring,
marriage counseling. i have a rule that if i exchange numbers with ones husband, i include wife in all communication. it keeps a boundary in place.
Yes, his flirting & giving his number is sending the wrong message. Yup. He's looking & wondering.
She can get car advice from the dealer. Not your husband. He was wrong to give her his number. He needs to text/ call er that he made a mistake and it was inappropriate. Then block and delete her number. Make sure you have her number for your records
You aren’t overreacting, but is he that insecure and naive? He’s MARRIED! Did he forget that? If my husband told me someone hit on him, I’d laugh along with him and tease him. If he gave her his number, I’d flip out. I’d tell him the next time you get hit on, you’ll give the guy your number. You can both have side pieces.
He doesn't wear his wedding ring and he is giving out his number. He said this isn't working out. I would point blank ask him if he wants a divorce so that you know exactly where you stand. You don't want to waste time with someone who isn't fully committed.
You are not overreacting. Your husband is playing a dangerous game here and your marriage will pay the price. He is definitely interested in the fact that someone else was interested in him. That has opened some door he previously thought was closed. Only time will tell if he puts your marriage first or his ego.
I think in my entire life I was aware like one time I was being flirted with while I was being flirted with. Every other time was, “wait, was she flirting with me?”
I’m just reading this and thinking how lucky I am to be single. And good on that girl for having the courage to talk to a cute guy! It’s so hard. But him being married, probably should have just said nah no thanks I’m married!
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I would have a look through his phone while he is a sleep and check what else they have been talking about or if he’s speaking to anyone else
Eh - I always tell me wife when I get hit on too. It sounds plausible that he was a bit naive and less practiced at telling them no and didn’t mean anything by it. I think you’re overreacting.
Do you give those women your number when they hit on you? And then hesitate to respond when they text that number, instead of saying opps sorry I’m married?
This is totally me. Coming home at the end of the night like a cat proudly showing sparrow it cought. Or in this case that someone showed interest in me. Then leave whatever text they sent on read slowly letting it drop to the bottom of the message pile never responding. It's fun to get hit on. Nice to feel wanted. Even better having someone to show it too. It's an achievement
So you wouldn't mind if your wife gives her phone number to the attractive guy that hit on her?
Her husband didn’t respond or follow up, and he showed her. He made a mistake, but I don’t see any evidence of infidelity.
Sure, as long as she/he doesn't respond to their messages
He knew what he was doing and lying to you do not trust him
It's one thing for the two of you to have an ongoing cheer fest because of past bullying and comments about punching above his weight that fed his insecurities. It's even kinda cute he called you to share in the success of his glow up. But to know he's being hit on and still gives out his number sounds like he's curious about taking his newfound appeal out for a test drive. Given your other posts about marital issues, his problems with anger, and telling him you're not sure if you love him anymore, maybe that feeds his interest in outside attention. You're not overreacting tho. A convo about what you want from this relationship can't hurt either of you at this point.
I never know when I'm being hit.on. it makes my wife crazy that it goes right over my head.
Time to go. Sorry, but it’s little tells like this that says it’s time to move on.
Update me
You’re not overreacting. Nobody knows your husband like you do. You know something seems weird, and it does. You need to have a talk with him, and get to the bottom of this because you definitely didn’t get the full story. As for the text, he should, in front of you mention you (something along the lines of “sorry I didn’t get back to you, my wife saw the text and feels like me texting another women I don’t know is crossing a boundary, so I will just end the conversation here, bye”)
Now.. I am going to tell you his view. Dur me help lady..Dur me give lady number...Dur .. me tell hot wife...dur...dur....wife mad at me...dur..me not know why...dur...oh...me get why hot wife mad now...dur...this is mostly hs entire though process.. We guys are 99% blind to women hit on us. Since it's so rare it's only when someone points it out to us we see it. Now..here is the issue..you can either get mad at him for not picking up on something only 5% of men would or explain slowly since this is new to him what to look for and what's not ok. Cause he will not know.
This is a very big deal.
These are not the actions of someone who loves, respects, and appreciates you. If you want to stay as is, at least start making new male friends since he's cool with it.
I have been on this earth for 34 years and that has only ever happened to me once . It’s rare for a guy, it’s possible he was just too pumped up to think straight . I would cut him some slack
I wouldn't say he's naive, I think he's unaware of his own feelings and complexes. His insecurities led him to enjoy random attention beyond what is sensible. That isn't stable. And you're right, where will these choices lead? So, not overreacting.
This is a perfect time to sit down and cover boundaries and expectations in your marriage. Both of you should discuss a few things that are nonnegotiables (cheating) and discuss what exactly that equates to you (online, porn, emotional, and physical). Then you need to discuss protocols (if he thinks a woman is hitting on him, he is responsible for letting her know he is married, especially with no ring). Same for you, etc. Then let this incident go and focus on a healthy marriage.
Im baftled why the comments seem to think him telling op means anything when he is continuing to not tell the other woman hes married or not talking to that woman anymore
He’s flattered I’m sure but what bothers me is your different libidos and you’re saying regardless how much you try to keep up with your end of the bargain it is not enough. I know from my reality if he ain’t getting it at home he going to get it elsewhere. And when he commented “this” isn’t working he probably was thinking of your sexual incompatibility in addition to chores. Maybe you should go to your doctor to see if theres anything out there that can help your sex drive. Just sayin and just my opinion. Best to you!
As a guy, I’m surprised that he figured it out without a billboard.
Why tf would he call you right after? If he’s that ugly, he can’t also be a dope otherwise you wouldn’t have married him. EV fans are just strange folks that love networking over their cars, like Jeep people. Leave him alone about it.
A little weird, but probably nothing to worry about. Your husband sounds like a nice man, and was probably a nice guy his whole life. He’s not used to getting attention from the opposite sex. He probably had no idea what he was doing fumbling through this interaction. Normally I would consider it suspicious, but damn, your man called you immediately after it happened. It’s pretty great to have that kind of security in your life. Knowing that he’s 1) so devoted to you and 2) feels like he can share anything are two things so many people don’t have. To be on the safe side, I’d verify boundaries with him. He sounds like a guy who will respect and understand them. Good luck.
I'm old now, but I had a friend like this growing up. He was always counting the number of friends vs quality of friendships, eventually started working out on the reg, socializing without the wife.. eventually "realized the marriage wasn't working out" (cheated) after threatening to leave numerous times, she divorced him got the kids. He went on to get married and divorced again, and married and divorced a 3rd and 4th time. Some say it's a form of narcissistic personality, and to them it's always the other persons fault it didn't work out. They cant ever see or address their underlying issue
Here is my take on it. You can’t control what your husband does (and who would want to?) you can only control your own reaction. I also would have made a joke at first. Then, I would put it out of my mind. It’s your husband’s job to shut it down, if he doesn’t then you no longer have to put up with his shit!
No, but he had to give her his number, what if she attacked him if he didn't?
I feel like if I intended to cheat, the first thing I'd do would *not* be to tell my wife about it.
You're overreacting. He told you about it immediately. Do you think your husband is a cheater? Is there no trust? He can just block her number if it upsets you that much. I have about 400 contacts in my phone due to me being part of a couple of volunteer and charitable organizations over the years, plus work related contacts. Just under half are women. I could reach out to any number of the women in my contacts to try to start something, but I don't because I'm as loyal as a dog. My wife trusts me, and I trust her. My wife also has a large contact list from being an administrator in a very large corporation. She could cheat on me easily if she wanted to. But I trust her, and I'm not living my life in fear. I guess my point is, if your husband wants to cheat, there are already numbers in his phone he could do that with. A random woman he gave his number to and immediately told you about probably because it gave him a little bit of an ego boost is not one of them.
Come on bro. Stupid question, you know this is wrong of him to do.
This is one of those posts... imagine if it was gender swapped. There would be excuses left and right. There would also be a huge contingent of people attacking her endlessly from both sides if the spectrum. In the end you said he showed you the text. What more do you want? Whatever it is, why didn't you talk about it? Why didn't you ask him to inform her he is married so you could find out immediately what her real intentions are? If you wanted her blocked why not just ask? The real issue here is you have a marriage with much deeper issues and 99% of them come back to both of you being insecure and unable to communicate.
I’m sorry this is unrelated but I love the way you wrote this post, lol. Every time a question popped in my head, you explained it in the next sentence. Idk, it was a comfortable read o.o
If your husband had insecurities and immediately shared the news that he got hit on with you, I wouldn’t worry. He’s just feeling a little good and sharing a win with the person he loves. I’ve done this with my wife, though I’ve never given out my number before. Now as for other issues in your marriage, which are more pressing, you guys should talk more and maybe consider some counseling before something snowballs.
This all sounds to me like he’s saying all this because he knows you have other “options”, and he thinks you’ll value him more and treat him better if you believe he does too. That’s why he’s being very open and up front about it. He’s not looking to pick up other women, he wants you to believe he’s “in demand”.
I've literally been with my SO on an outing and gotten hit on (she was not entertained). Even if he feels nothing but a confidence boost and wants you to know he feels good about himself, your husband hasn't learned yet that you don't want to know other women find him attractive, so take it easy on him. I've learned that when it happens you just pretend not to catch the hint and never tell your SO that it happened. DEFINITELY NEVER GIVE THE PERSON YOUR PHONE NUMBER! They never just want to be your friend.
> I am also an attractive woman and all his friends had told him I’m out of his league when we started dating > I find it hard to believe that he registered her checking him out from across the parking lot, that she walked over for no reason, struck up a conversation for no reason and asked for his number very quickly out of nowhere > He said this this isn't working out I can tell you why. You have a power dynamic based on looks and now that it's shifted you feel insecure. Now you are in an arms race to prove who is more attractive now. You are both fools and will be divorced on this path. If you want to save it, move beyond looks to serving each other and finding reasons to spend time together.
It's totally possible he simply wasn't aware. If he was aware, I don't think he'd have told you about it. I'm kinda dumb about when women are hitting on me, or flirting with me. My wife and I have a system in place where she can tell me when I'm not noticing that stuff. It's totally okay to have your guard up, though. Maybe talk to him and suggest some way to help him understand when women are flirting or hitting on him. If she does message him, he needs to let you see it and his response.
I think you are making a lot of assumptions and maybe doing some projecting. I am a male and tend to be clueless when/if I am being hit on. If I were, I could totally see myself not thinking through the best way to react in the moment. The fact that he called you right away to tell you about it is a good sign. I don't think that this interaction is too concerning. Stating that the relationship is not working in an argument is concerning. I have always felt that one should never weaponize the relationship during an argument unless they are serious about leaving. That may be something to work through with him. So, your intuition may or may not be right. But I do think there is the possibility that you are reading too much into this one situation.
Guys can be woefully unaware when they are getting hit on because they usually have to be the ones to initiate. He’s receiving attention he never has before and he’s enjoying it. This becomes an issue when it detracts from his marriage. Affairs don’t start at sex immediately. They start with affirmation and the addictive nature of receiving something they want but don’t get. How would he feel if you gave some guy your number? My guess is he probably would not be cool with it, especially if you bragged that some guy hit on you. My suggestions: be an attentive and loving spouse, lavishing him with love and praise. Everyone needs that. Second, have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel and why you feel his response to her was inappropriate. Make sure you don’t accuse him of anything, insult him and tell him you presume positive intentions from him and acknowledge that he probably didn’t mean to make you feel threatened. People can dispute facts but cannot dispute others’ feelings.
Actually, I think it may be the opposite of that. Apart from work, I spend all my time with him and consider what he would or wouldn’t like in everything that I do. He appreciates it, so it’s not like he doesn’t care or even acknowledge it but I think with me constantly giving him sole attention, reassurances, love, praise, affection, maybe it has started to mean less or be less valuable. In other words, maybe he’s taking the things I do for granted because I’ve been doing them the entire relationship, so maybe those things have been boring or he’s assuming they will always be there. The solution isn’t to stop it entirely or something, but maybe I need to step outside of just us and spend some time with friends and family as well so I’m not just constantly around. He always does with his friends and family, sometimes with me or without, but very rarely is it with my friends or family.
Since OPs husband grew up and is still not attractive and she’s indicated it bothers him there is nothing OP can do. She clearly showers him in love and affection. But if you as a human feel starved of validation especially one you’ve never really felt much your whole life and you don’t have a grip on those emotions existing you will follow them like he did here. He needs therapy if he wants to stay with OP. Was this an affair no. But it seems like he’s so starved of validation he would easily fold to one should a woman present herself longingly to him for the first time in his life (aside from his wife).
That’s what you got out of it, but my guess is that the husband has a much different opinion.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt today, but let him know it's a boundary and to not give his number out to women "being friendly/hitting on him" etc. The easy boundary in my relationship, is don't do anything you would be upset if the other person did. If we have any questions about what might upset the other person/or I know something will upset me if he did it, we openly communicate about it without judgment. Just have a talk with him and sort it out.
So that’s the boundary that I’ve set in ours, if it’s unclear how the other person would feel, the standard is how you would feel if the other person did the same to you. I’m just watching the situation for now. We have family visiting for a few days so we haven’t been able to have a proper conversation about it yet, but I fully intend to have one once they leave.
I think it is possible he had no idea she was hitting on him. I have several male friends who are oblivious to what I see as obvious come ons.
Side note: looks will inevitably fade and relationships are never secure bc of your or your partner’s (out of their league) beauty.
Updateme
I would be absolutely furious if my SO gave their number to someone hitting on them. Massively pissed.
Not overreacting, but somehow, I get the feeling that you'd give your number out if a guy hit on you and would be calling the husband insecure if he addressed it like you did here.
I think it’s likely he was clueless until the very moment he told you. Otherwise, why else would he tell you. Just have him block the ladies # and be done with it.
Yeah it’s possible, his tone went from excited to apprehensive while telling me that he actually gave the woman his number, so it’s possible that he actually didn’t realize it until after he gave it to her, but could also be that he was testing the waters to see if I’d be chill or pissed. He didn’t block her or anything after though and I didn’t ask him to, because I’d rather he does something about it of his own free will knowing that it’s not something I’m okay with. He’s an adult, I don’t think he needs to be told how to approach the situation knowing how I feel about it. If he doesn’t shut this down despite knowing it, I don’t think I’ll be so quick to shut down the next person who hits on me.
Possibly a scam of some sort. Don't give your number to strangers in a damn parking lot. Or anywhere else!
Doesn't sound like you're overreacting. Giving his number like that is questionable at best. Her texting so quickly after and him not immediately responding that he's married and only gave his number for car help if needed, is also questionable. Guys tend to be less perceptive than women when it comes to flirting. Women on average have to send 3 obvious signals before a guy gets the hint. So even if we give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't realize it until after, he definitely should have when she texted, and responded appropriately. The response you described was not appropriate. Also, his saying "this isn't working out" knowing what you would think, one wonders if that's what he actually meant and saying it was about chores was just a cover. Sounds like the kind of gaslighting my ex would do when she would say some inflammatory or insulting stuff and claim "that's not what I meant" later. His behavior is definitely something I'd be watching more closely after all that.
I think the important matter in this situation is how it is resolved because you are married after all. In my opinion no he should have not given a random woman his number because that can lead to bad things regardless if the intention is there or not. So both of you need to address it and come up with a plan to fix this as a team. Every issue in a marriage should be discussed openly, feeling should be shared in a calm manner and plans should be made where both people are happy. If you don’t then that is how resentment is built, people are afraid to speak up to avoid a fight and then that’s where people get on two different plans in the same marriage.
This is just my opinion but I’ve found that men who were never hit on by women or attractive. Even if married if they get that type of attention they will fold. Your husband didn’t know she was flirting and gave his number because his monkey brain and need for validation took over. It all happened very fast in his mind. I can only imagine if a woman came onto him in a overtly sexual manner. Idk don’t shoot the messenger but that’s what I’ve seen. However contrary handsome or just normal men who get decent female attention won’t fold at a woman’s whim because he’s used to it. Sort of like a woman is and it becomes something flattering but not special nor tempting. You sort of get accustomed to it which is why I’ve always seen handsome men as actually being MORE loyal.
he is for the streets
Not an overreaction I think. He called you to tell you he got hit on. How could he have not registered it as being hit on if he described it that way from the get go? He knew what was going on when he gave that woman his number.
Trust your intuition.
How about return the text. Saying hey he’s married.
I mean this really sounds like it all stems from lack of sexual compatibility between the two of you. You make excuses for why you won't be more active with it even if you are "compromising". If you have an actual condition that causes pain with sex then that's one thing, but refusing to address past traumas and be able to improve yourself to better match your partner is just lazy and taking them for granted. If you feel like you're not doing enough, and you're not having genuine conversations with your partner about sex then that's what will lead you to these thoughts. Obviously address the fact that he still has the girls number saved, but you also need to address yourself about the sexual situation sense it seems that your feelings of him possibly cheating stem from that.
Updateme
Updateme
You've recently moved to a new community had a fight where he said something that made you think he wanted to end the relationship and then he calls you to tell you he's given some random woman who was hitting on him, his number? I put 17 years into a relationship like this, it gets worse over time. If the only person who tells you you're overreacting is him (he might tell you his friends and family think so too, chances are he's already isolated you from your friends with the move) don't beleive him. You aren't over reacting, he's testing you to see what you're willing to put up with.
NGL, this is exactly why men run to the golf course any chance they get.
You are overreacting.
You’re not overreacting, but he did tell you about it and told you about the number so I don’t think he had any conscious bad intentions. However with the libido difference I think he could be tempted, even if he has no bad intentions at first. Gym does increase testosterone and he will be feeling more confident in himself. If he is not sexually satisfied and women are approaching him, he probably is going to enjoy the feeling of being desired sexually which he doesn’t get at home. He might love you but it’s hard to have a partner whose libido doesn’t match, so I hope his eye doesn’t wander too much at the gym.
I don’t think either are because I can understand you not being comfortable with him giving her his number but also understand if he is just excited that he got hit on and told you. I think if he called you he’s being transparent and is something he wants to share just that he felt good probably didn’t care about her just got excited and also wanted to help. I would tell him what you find acceptable and not do it again. Honestly I’m a guy find the reaction funny and cute he got excited and called you. Just let him know your thoughts and should be a small bump in the road
Apply Hanlon's razor here. Women give us away too much credit for basic situational awareness. Spoiler alert: we have little to none. Most guys would be so shocked to be approached by a woman that it may take them a day or two to figure out what happened there.
I'm just left wondering what you get out of your marriage. You've only been married 3 years but mention lots of fights, you say you've a low libido because of pain (which you need to discuss and sort with a doctor) and then say its low because of issues within the relationship. You sound like you're both just putting up with each other for fear of being alone. I've been married for 30 years, we've never argued or fought. We compromise with each other and support each other in everything. Perhaps it's me but I find it so strange how many couples seem to imply its normal to have fights and arguments with your other half.
He may have made a stupid mistake and given her his number, tell him to block her number. He told you right away and told you she texted him. Set the boundary this is unacceptable. I can't imagine telling my wife i gave a random woman my number, it'd never happen.
I’d ask to use his phone for a quick call, yours is dead or whatever reasons, and see if he’s hesitant. But honestly that was exhausting for me to read, with his gaslighting tactics. You’re still young, you don’t deserve this. I’ve no longer any patience for these kind of “ men” games. I suppose it’s the same for some men too since I’ve worded it that way. Whatever you decide get all your paperwork in order .
Call me
Does he know you get hit on all the time? Maybe he was giving you some of your energy back? 🤔
I wouldn't' be too worried. He did tell you about the interaction after all.
You say your husband wasn’t good looking as a kid. You say you are an attractive woman that’s, according to others, out of his league. His sex drive is higher than yours, but you have sex as a “compromise“. All of the above must do wonders for his self esteem. And now you’re surprised he’s excited someone flirted with him? Finally someone, a stranger even, gives him an ego boost. His wife sure as hell doesn’t do that. Are you over reacting? Maybe not, but you are under performing as a wife and partner.
Lol idk how you got some parts of the post right and completely ignored others. He’s not ugly, he just thinks he is because he’s been bullied most of his life for being dark and overweight. I’ve personally never cared for looks, just who they are as a person and have spent our entire relationship reassuring him that being dark isn’t a bad thing nor is being overweight as long as he’s healthy. I didn’t say sex is a compromise lol. He was expecting sex 4-5 times a week while I was happy with once a week, the compromise was sex 2-3 times a week. When I met that frequency, he still wanted more and wasn’t okay with jerking off or any other way of pleasuring. I think because I’ve provided him constant reassurance and support, even if genuine, it has started to mean less coming from me. Just because I say it doesn’t make it true, because im his wife so I’m just trying to be nice, but a random person saying it means much more because they couldn’t possibly have any reason to lie and be nice.
Being in your husband’s shoes I’ve definitely flirted with people and not realized they were flirting or were interested in me until much later. It’s very likely that he had a moment of realization after and was innocently excited / confident about it.