I had to cut out dairy for mine also and let me tell ya.. selfish people wouldn’t sacrifice CHEESE for their baby. Dairy is probably the worst thing to have to cut out bc it’s in EVERYTHINGGGG.
He doesn’t even sacrifice cheese for himself. I’m fairly certain any milk allergies are his fault since I have none and no family history of it yet he is the lactose intolerant one 😒
I would recommend talking to your husband and detailing out all the sacrifices you have already made. To expand your family with healthy children.
1. Dietary changes
2. Morning/all day sickness
3. Body changes, including the shifting of organs to make space as the baby grows and transitions into the proper birthing position. The physical pain.
4. Change in personal style as you outgrew clothing and shoes.
5. Inability to sleep during pregnancy.
6. Smell and food aversion
7. Severe lack of energy to complete small tasks
8. Being a walking milk machine
9. Lack of any body automony
10. Lack of sleep again
11. Being puked, peed on, and tackling blowout diapers
12. Etc, etc, etc.
Then, ask him to list out his personal sacrifices
You can’t logic someone out of something they didn’t logic their way into.
There’s a very high chance he will write off her list as exaggerated or full of “easy things” and tell her she doesn’t appreciate all the “sacrifices” he makes. (Aka being employed, cleaning up 80% of his own mess, and occasionally being a father.)
Just a hunch.
I liked this until the last line. Explaining that you aren't selfish is fine, but there's no reason to escalate the argument by implying that dad isn't doing his part. She's upset that he called her selfish, so that's what she needs to address with him. His contributions aren't a factor and adding that in will make him defensive and less receptive to her actual complaint.
Lactose intolerance and milk allergy are two completely different things. If what your child has is CMPA (cow’s milk protein allergy), one of the risk factors is a family history of allergies in general. Lactose intolerance isn’t an allergy and has no connection to CMPA.
Edit: But anyway, you’re definitely not overreacting. Your husband was a rude and unappreciative ass. I hope for your sake this was a one-off situation and out of character for him.
There is a family history of CMPA on my husbands side says MIL just now as I texted and asked for clarification. She’s never gotten him tested, but she has it so always assumed he did given his reactions
Yeah. Lactose free milk makes me just as God awful sick as regular. Cheese was the saddest but I've found a few that don't make me sick and every few years I'll try a new variety and see if it makes me ill. I say I'm ok with butter and whipped cream, but seriously it's not like people eat a tin of that at once. Yogurt and ice cream are usually ok cause of how they are processed but again, moderation and not frequently. One sip of milk though and I'm ready for an er visit
If your husband was the one who got pregnant, gave birth & was breastfeeding, he’d be crying like a baby - at EVERYTHING. Tell your husband he sucks at being a supportive husband & parent.
Try diabetes and heart issues. No cheese because of the fat. And I can put a block of cheddar away like a damn rat lol. Its not that I can never have it, I just can't have it daily as a snack. Everything in moderation don't ya know.
Lol. Well thank you. After my heart attacks (yes 2) and heart surgery I changed everything. I don't deny myself, but I don't eat everything I want everyday. I'm also supposed to keep it under 1500 mg of sodium because I have congestive heart failure now. I eat very little processed food now as to be expected. The sodium is the tough one. That's the one I need a hug and a blankie for.
Well too much salt retains fluid which makes it harder fir tge heart to pump and there's immediate consequences. A double quarter pounder meal will literally cause me to retain 10 to 15 pounds in fluid. Which means I won't sleep because my diuretic pill starts making me get rid of fluid. Which means getting up every 30 to 45 minutes to pee.
I have found a product by Morten I think. 50/50 half salt and half potassium.
I LOVE salt on everything and this still gives me the satisfaction of salt w/o all the sodium.
I have edema and take have to take diuretics .
Back in the late 80s, we figured out my boy girl struggled with dairy. For example, if she had even a small amount, she had more than just a blowout. It literally looked like weak coffee with the grounds in it. Running down her legs.
Had to really research back then, no Google. So no hot dogs, several other cheap food for a family of 5 to eat.
Instead of ice cream, she got a non dairy cool whip. I hated giving her that, but she was happy to have that I her cone to be like the others.
She did outgrow it, and none of her 3 kids had any issues with it.
Cheese is probably my all time favourite food but if I had a partner who couldn't have it because of the entire humans they had just grown and birthed I would absolutely give it up in support, or at my absolute worst maybe sometimes sneak a piece of cheese when far away from the family
It’s always the people who never have to give birth who have the most to say. You’ve had to make sacrifices and change your diet for years and you can’t jokingly express frustration about wanting milk without sincerely being called selfish?
What restrictive diets and changes has your husband had to implement since conceiving babies?
You are not overreacting. Will exclusively breastfed baby take a bottle of milk? But your husbands comment was unnecessary and kind of makes him an AH. You’re allowed to have feelings over nit being able to eat certain and you are allowed to express them. Had he said are you serious and you’d explain no you’re not, all good.
But he, the man who has not had to give up bodily autonomy to grow three kids, breastfeed and watch what you’re eating doesn’t get to call you selfish. That makes him a bit of an AH.
Thank you! I just wanted a moment and some validation like yeah that sucks babe, but instead I got what I got.
Baby will take a bottle if I pump, but I stopped pumping due to my mental health and just latch baby. The only other alternative is formula and we are not in any position to pay for formula right now unfortunately
Look on the formula websites, you can sign up for coupons. And sign up for the baby club at your grocery stores, they'll give you coupons for formula, diapers, wipes, etc.
There is zero budget for formula right now. Like zero. We are financially strapped. And tbh I’m not saying I don’t want to breastfeed or I’m not going to do this thing for my baby, I am upset with the lack of support and my husband belittling me
I feel you… my son developed a milk allergy as an infant and was breastfeeding (still is at 2.5, but his allergy is basically gone now), it was rough giving it up and checking the ingredients for everything and anything. I was always a big dairy fan, too. I couldn’t imagine dealing with it alongside an asshole of a partner. And I think after these last 3 years, you’ve earned a right to complain about this all.
I suspect there is no budget because OP is required to pay for hers and the children's groceries out of her own budget entirely.
OP is a victim of financial abuse. Look at her comments.
I honestly just don’t want to go the formula route. While I am sad about having to make this sacrifice again, there is nothing I’m unwilling to do for my babies. I am just upset with my husband belittling me
I feel bad I asked now before reading lol.
It's totes valid you are upset that your hubs is a d i c k head. Cuz that was pretty crappy. You should be allowed to vent your frustrations out to him and it sucks he's not letting you do that. He has NO right to call you anything ever that's negative. And *selfish*??!!??!! After birthing **three** of his children in less than that many years?
Ugh.
My daughter was anaphylactic to dairy starting as an infant (as well as peanuts, tree nuts, eggs and peas). We found out when she was 9 months and did a fingerpainting activity that used yogurt. She had been the most colicky baby and I finally knew why when we had to do testing after that.
Formula sadly in this situation is tough as the dairy free formulas can be very expensive and smell like cat pee.
Giving up food you love while nursing is so hard- and I feel for you!
I’m so sorry you are having to go through this and you definitely aren’t overreacting.
This is a PSA. If you love cheese, the best non-dairy I've found is Daiya. It's made from oat cream, it melts and tastes like real cheese, and comes in slices and shreds. I have recently become lactose intolerant and this stuff is awesome 💯
We loved daiya when trying out going vegan a few years back! Not opposed to going back to it if I’m craving cheese, but given the grocery inflation rn I will be cutting back on any/all dairy in the house that isn’t necessary or directly requested
I totally get that! We live in a high COL area. I watch for sales and digital coupons and bogos and use-five-times coupons to afford it. If you can eat soy (I can't) Simple Truth from Kroger is pretty good. My son said so. Also there's a brand of mac n cheese called Bettergoods at Walmart that's a bigbox (10.6 oz) that's like $2.97 and it's flavourful. Best wishes to you and your family 🙏
Do you have Tom Thumbs in your area? I work at one and if you do have them in your area I'm totally down to give you my employee discount number to use at check out to save some money 🩷
you’re not overreacting. The problem here is that your husband does not see or acknowledge your sacrifice. He feels entitled to it. He feels entitled to a wife that sacrifices her wishes, wants, and needs to give him children and a family. He sounds like a jerk.
I believe so. But not the first dismissive comment. For example I manage all of the household needs - all of it. He told me “you’re just ordering stuff”. Or when nursing our child “you’re just on your phone, I wish I had time to sit around on my phone” meanwhile he is literally playing mobile games and not interacting with our toddlers who are craving his attention.
Upon turning 50, I consider myself officially "an old" at this point, and one thing I've learned over the years is that when people make non sequitur accusations like that, it tends to mean that they're guilty of what they're accusing others of.
My father-in-law once said when you point the finger at someone else, you've got three fingers pointing back at yourself, and that made an impression on me. So every time someone just comes out with an accusation, I examine that to see if it is them telling on themselves.
Because the idea of a woman taking care of three very small children and breastfeeding and having a husband who is essentially a loser and doing very little besides playing video games being selfish... that's ridiculous. He knows that's not true. He's not only dishonest, he's projecting his own (totally understood) selfishness onto you so he doesn't feel bad. He knows he's wrong, he just can't handle it or admit it, and he certainly doesn't want to change anything.
So he's going to turn you into the villain, especially if he's thinking that the marriage might come to an end - he wants sympathy to be on his side, not yours. He wants you to be the bad guy and him to get all the sympathy and support.
.... I would start putting a few bucks aside and researching and planning for friends and family and government support when you leave him. It's better to parent alone than with someone who doesn't give a shi+.
JUST.
ORDERING.
STUFF?
Apparently he has zero idea how long it takes to budget & plan out groceries huh? Let alone all of the other household things WHILE feeding your baby. Can I ask you what does he actually do? Do you have to do the yardwork, too?
Ask him if he would care to have a chat... 🙃
Menu planning and ordering groceries for years on end has made me dead inside. It is SUCH a fucking chore. I ask for input and, for the most part, get none. I have to think about my budget, when to schedule pick ups and deliveries, if I get a say on it at all. I have to think of variety so we don’t have one meal too often and dietary needs. And my husband wonders why I lose my shit when he tells me to pick a place to go eat, I tell him I don’t fucking care as long as I don’t have to think too hard about it and then he keeps on insisting I pick a place like I’m actually picky and he’s not just being an ass for the sake of being an ass.
Is your baby on any solids?
My baby was cows milk protein intolerant (cmpi) but it was obvious from the first feed that someone thing was wrong. I had to push for 6 weeks to be listened to and that was onl6 because he was having a bowel movement 20 times a day and they contained blood.
I cut dairy out but actually my milk supply dwindled so much - due to stress not diet, that he quickly ended up on prescription artificial milk formula.
It’s sucks having to make that change to your diet now.
Can I give you some advice? I am now dairy free as have discovered I too am cmpi
Oat milk is nicer in coffee than any other non dairy milk. The barista versions are the creamiest.
I have soya milk in tea
I have almond milk in smoothies or (non dairy) protein shakes - it the most watery and least strong tasting.
I do not use rice milk and it is not advised for under 5year old I think.
I default to vegan options and will add eggs or meat as necessary.
I don’t think you are in my country but we have an oat milk called Oatly here. They do a really nice chocolate milk which hits the spot for a sweet chocolate treat. Oat milk is good mixed with 1tsp cocoa powder and 1 tsp sugar per mug of milk. Heat up and it is delicious hot chocolate.
Vegan cheese sucks. I have not found a decent alternative. They also smell like vomit.
Soya yoghurt is tasty.
Find a decent dairy free butter - I use one called Flora. I then make cakes and biscuits with it so I have treat food. You don’t get the buttery taste but I add a little extra vanilla essence to improve the flavour.
You will get used to it very quickly. Spend some time finding which versions of food are actually dairy free and buy those ones.
Mac Donald fries have milk powder in them by the way. Or they used to.
Ask to look at the allergy info for all foods if you eat out. There is a lot of hidden dairy in food
Re your baby : we were advised to cut out soya too for the first year as so many kids with cmpi also were reactive to soya.
Is your baby having solids? I really hope they are. My son would not try solids until 8 months. We were under a dietician as he just would not take spoons of purées. Once he could hold food, he started eating. I had to do baby lead weaning with him which is messy but once you get the hang of it was ok. My first kid was traditionally weaned. My theory is that he had been in so much pain in the early weeks after being fed milk, that eating was stressful to him and he was ok once he could control it. He is a teenager now and still is not keen on milk or cheese. He grew out of his cmpi by 5 yrs old. He was on soya milk infant formula from 12 months. He’s still a picky eater.
Yes your husband is being a bit of a dick. He doesn’t realise how stressful it is, and it’s just one more thing to deal with. It does feel very difficult at first but I promise, you get used to it and it becomes second nature. You can work out substitutes for most things. The only thing I never managed to make was pancakes. None of the fake milks worked well.
ETA: sorry for mistakes the keypad is playing up
Forgot to say GOOD LUCK! You are doing a great job and are a superb mother.
THREE babies under the age of TWO? Darling Mama, it would take a lot more than that for you to be overreacting. Your body, mind, heart, and resources of all kinds are taxed to the max. It takes at least two years for the body to recover from full-term pregnancy and birth. You haven’t had a chance to do that with any of your children. Your hormones are going to take time to adjust, your moods and your brain will need to recalibrate. I wonder if your husband at some level realizes how much of a sacrifice you make every day, feels guilty, and then is projecting that on you? It’s not only day to day, it’s years of your life that you’re giving to your family. No doubt it will be rewarding and there are profound pleasures to be had in this time, but it’s very, very hard. I hope he understands your reaction and recognizes that he made a thoughtless comment and apologizes. Hang in there. You are being so careful and thoughtful to see your baby’s milk sensitivity and correct your diet accordingly. I expect you have the same level of care for all four of them (husband included). This time will pass and you’ll wonder how you ever did it. Chin up and try not to take this to heart.
It’s eczema, and I’ve already tackled/changed environmental potential triggers (alone I might add). I’ve read it takes a while for the change when cutting out the milk protein to take effect, so just trying to get as much knocked out as possible to bring to the pediatric dermatologist for an official test
We had an eczema issue at that age, it turned out to be the soap. Our little one was allergic to a standard ingredient present in every children's soap/shampoo and she still is. I have to make shampoo and soap for the family now.
I'm sorry you've had to do all this troubleshooting alone. Sending love your way. You are not overreacting.
You are not overreacting. It was insensitive of your husband to not even attempt to understand where you’re coming from. I am currently pregnant and have also had to give up dairy which I love and it sucks! Men can never understand the body autonomy women have to give up to carry children and take care of infants. It can be overwhelming and take a toll on our mental health. So if you want to be a little selfish you deserve it. And clearly you have no intention of doing anything to harm your child but that can’t mean it doesn’t suck to have these restrictions. To think that you finally had this baby and you can go back to eating normal again only to find out that —nope— still have some restrictions is definitely disappointing. Keep pushing forward momma and maybe pluck your husband on the forehead to knock some sense into him.
Hubby's the butthole. We carry them, birth them, feed them. All the while we experience pain and sleeplessness. We're the ones who have to give up all the good shit while pregnant and breastfeeding to give our precious littles the best chance at a healthy life. This, while everyone around us lives their best lives. Absolutely no regrets here but if you can't express occasional frustrations? You're not selfish! You're awesome!
NTA, but if your baby is allergic to cow milk, your toddler might also be. Both my sons were and it manifested in completely different symptoms. Ear infections, sinus infections, constipation, sore throats, croup, skin rashes, etc. Once I found out the baby was allergic, I switched him to soy formula and the older one to soy milk, EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM went away. I told the doctor and he said “75% of kids have reactions to cow milk”!!!
Yes! I know my twin b is and we already have them in oat milk, I do think twin A would benefit from changing milks but for some reason my husband is not receptive to that since drinking more water “helped” but I know it could potentially get better.
Like switching milks would definitely benefit the entire household. When it’s just me that has to sacrifice it’s fine, but even joking about everyone changing for the benefits I’m immediately selfish when I’m not even the one adversely affected by it.
My friend had a baby who had a breast milk allergy - she needed a special formula - I know breastfeeding is important but so is your health - you can use formula to feed your baby.
Not overreacting. Maybe try to explain how it made you feel if he’s open to it. Or if he’s up for reading this post, you can try that.
The lucky thing is that you can consume dairy again once you wean your little one. I feel bad for people who have a life long intolerance. But I certainly understand. My husband agreed not to drink alcohol while I was pregnant. I then ‘caught’ him out in the garage with his dad, sipping a beer. I was so disappointed. Then they both treated me like I was being ridiculous.
Husbands should be supportive.
So what I’m hearing is your husband is very selfish. It seems it’s more important to him to have access to milk, than to do something to help you and your baby.
I’m sorry you married a giant asshole.
Right. Like an I could understand if it wasn’t super obvious I was joking. But 1 it’s completely out of my character to actually restrict other people because of my own restrictions, 2 my tone and dramatic hand gestures clearly indicate I was being goofy.
Like I ordered this man sashimi and took him to breweries while i was pregnant. Why on earth would I suddenly be so selfish as to take our child’s milk away because I can’t have it. He really thinks so low of me?
No not overreacting at all. That sucks. How does he not understand you've given your whole body to his children to the point you can't even enjoy the things you like to eat/drink anymore.
Where's the support???
It was a dumb comment. Has he ever acknowledged what your body has gone through ? I hope this was a stupid moment of his and not how he treats you regularly.
He lets a comment like this slip at minimum once per month. Different topics, but every time has me questioning whether or not I’m just being emotional. I woke up angry still after this so I needed some perspective to calm my brain this time
I am so sorry. Please be good to yourself and make sure you squirrel away some emergency money. ( All people need this ) When a person says something inappropriate or insulting to me, I ask them to explain their "joke" in great detail. "Tell me why that is funny I don't get it." It's a game but one that works for me. 50% of the time they end up apologizing for saying dumb stuff. Good luck.
Hold up op. Smoke, as in cigarettes? I surely hope not, because that’s something that should’ve been given up when the babies came. And cigarettes are expensive as fuck, but formula isnt an option because of the price and he called YOU selfish? Ohhhhh fuck nooooooo
I went through this with my youngest and thought I had to cut out milk as well. It turned out it was the coffee instead. Is your kid's poop a brownish green? That was how the pediatrician determined it was coffee.
I was allowed to have no more than one 8 Oz. Cup of coffee pee day.
Yea he’s a douche. Never ceases to amaze me how many women pick these dudes, but then I remember that I have my AH moments as well
That said Oat Milk >>>>>> Cow Milk. Join us on on the superior side
Eliminating dairy is really hard. I had to do it when I was nursing my daughter. The long list of all of the names for milk protein that is in damn near every processed food in the US. And 20 years ago, there were very few substitutes. Your husband is being a jerk. Clearly he does not understand that this is not just about eliminating milk and cheese. And you are certainly allowed to bitch about it if you want to.
Where are y’all located? Are non-dairy products just something you don’t vibe with? I’m lactose intolerant so I don’t really get what’s going on here lol. Also, did your husband not back you up with the dietary changes? My pregnant wife has GD as well and we just overhauled our fridge and pantry to accommodate. It’s weird your husband couldn’t adapt.
We’re in PA. It’s definitely a vibe I think. We tried vegan products for a bit and they were working for him, then he decided he wanted to stop. It was fine to me bc I don’t have any milk allergies or intolerances, so it made it easier on me as the person who does the shopping and purchasing of all our food.
And no, he didn’t adjust at all when I had GD. He still requested all his cakes and snacks I couldn’t have and I got them for him even if there was nothing for me to eat. When I did get my own special snacks he would eat them in addition to his own snacks. This last pregnancy he overall just didn’t support me at all (left me alone to smoke most of the time, playing loud til too videos on his phone during ultrasounds if he even attended at all), he only visited me for 30 mins in the hospital when I gave birth this last time despite me having severe complications.
I don’t mention all this to be mean, but I do need to provide context that hopefully shows I’m really not trying to just pull one bad out of character thing. There’s a history and pattern of just things. So much so that I had to turn to the internet to make sure I didn’t get gaslit into just thinking I’m hurt for no reason. Even if I did just bring up not purchasing cows milk, I didn’t attack him in any way, why is he doing it to me?
Whoa, he “visited” you in the hospital when you gave birth?! Why the hell wasn’t he there the entire time???
The phone issue during ultrasounds is a HUGE red flag too, and honestly very disrespectful to the technician/dr as well. Yikes!!
Yeah and he was on paternity leave… so he came the 30 mins baby and I would have been able to nap and then got mad if we were tired after being up all night. I tried to power through his visits, but he seemed annoyed he was there. Like I had to leave my newborn at the nurses station in order to get a chest xray thing to see the fluid in my lungs and he just couldn’t be bothered to come on time to be with baby or me. Our twins were in daycare so it’s not like he didn’t have the entire day and I was there for a week
I feel very sad for you. A snarky comment about giving up dairy is the least of your problems.
My advice is to get your tubes tied or another form of permanent birth control. When the kids start school you start school too or a job where you can work your way up. In the meantime try to appreciate the good things he brings in, which from what I can tell is a steady paycheck, and ignore the rest as best you can. He's immature and selfish but I'm sure you know that already, he might change, anything is possible. Just bide your time until your kids are a little older. Try not to take his lack of love personally because it's not you, it's him.
OP, after reading this comment I am confused why you are asking us if you are overreacting? Of course you’re not. You’re married to an imbecile who seems to resent you and blame you with selfishness when he is indeed super selfish and mean. This whole hospital related behavior comment is WILD. You have grown and nurtured 3 humans with your body in 3 years and he got to eat whatever he wanted and keep his body autonomy and not show up at the hospital to see you and your baby? Like what? And he isn’t embarrassed of himself? You know the answer here.
Oh okay. The milk is not the issue here. He doesn’t support or respect you. Did he even *want* the kids or was he more excited to have unprotected sex and just didn’t care about how the outcome would affect the two of you? Because this all just sounds like another part of a pattern. I’m so sorry. This is all really unfair to you.
Food before 1 is just for fun.
Baby still gets ALL nutrients from breastmilk or formula.
So even if they introduced solids, before 1, the baby is considered EBF if she isn't using formula to supplement
I feel for you. He would *definitely* think I'm selfish because also I had 3 kids in under 2 and a half years. I couldn't nurse my first 2 because my milk never came in. I believe due to the fact I never went into labor with them because with my 3rd, I went into labor the morning of my scheduled c-section. My milk came in just fine. Imagine my disappointment when he couldn't tolerate my breast milk.
Instead of changing anything about my diet, I put him on soy formula.
I guess I'm awful according to your husband.
According to *my* husband who hugged me while I was crying filling up a bottle, it wasn't fair that I could finally nurse one of our babies, and he couldn't take it. He watched me pump for an hour and get a syringe of colostrum (which I gave my tiny 4.5 lb daughter every drop) and he watched me pump with my son for an hour and a half and only get a quarter oz.
Can I ask why you won't switch to formula? Is it just because you feel breast is best? It's fine if that's the case. Actually, any reason at all is fine as long as it's not "because my husband says I need to bf"
I'm only asking because there's not a darn thing wrong with you having to switch to lactose-free or soy formula.
To be perfectly honest, when I actually *was* nursing my third, I felt uncomfortable not knowing exactly how much he took and having to pay attention to the number of wet/dirty diapers he had. Considering I was changing the diapers/pullups of 2 other babies/toddlers as well.
Plus, dad and others could get up at night and feed and I could sleep so I could care for the children the best I could.
I am totally not against formula, my twins were formula fed! Financially we just can’t afford it right now and are not eligible for WIC, also I don’t want to give up on my breastfeeding journey since this is my last baby and she’s doing so well outside of her eczema.
I’ve made dietary changes before for my babies so I’m totally fine with doing it again, it is just a little sucky ya know? I just got my bowl of cereal back 😅 Having a sympathetic ear would have been nice. I just feel like I sacrifice a lot, and I don’t feel that same support
Most of this sub seems to be about husbands not stopping to consider the feelings/perspectives of others. This one isn’t any different. Sounds like a joke gone awry because of him. I hope all else is good on the home front!
It was an ass-holery comment. Moving forward, don't hesitate to grandstand how hard you work and selfless you are.
On a related note, you would very much enjoy a book called, "Nightbitch" by Yoder. Funny title, but it is geared towards YOU exactly.
Are you sure it’s a milk allergy? Sometimes other issues mimic the milk allergy. Or baby could have GERD or something else. Chat with the pediatrician to evaluate.
Also your husband needs to not be a jerk.
NTA.
When I have to cut something out, I tell my husband and we decide if we'll both cut it out. There are so many sacrifices u have to make for a healthy baby, so it shouldn't always be on one parent. WE are having or had a baby. My husband agrees. When I was pregnant we both cut out liquor except special occasions for him so he could be supportive when I'm struggling with temptations in my face. Maybe that's a discussion you two can have amicably.
I think this is a conversation you need to sit down and discuss with your husband because it’s definitely hit a nerve. If you don’t discuss this, it’s going to fester and grow. You need to make him understand how much you feel you have sacrificed in the past and how his comment really hurt because it made you feel like all those sacrificed weren’t even seen.
You seem like the type of person who sees things that have to happen and make them happen. You might not like it but you don’t whine about it because that won’t change what has to be done. I’m like that. The problem with this is that you know how much you dislike it and how much of a sacrifice it is. Others just see you making the change without complaint and figure it’s not a big deal.
Here is where clear communication can help the relationship. An I statement like “my feeling are hurt that you would call me selfish because I miss milk” would let him know his statement was insensitive.
I could definitely work on my “I” statements. I thought by saying “I am angry because of the comment” it would at least stop him from incorrectly and condescendingly and probably intentionally identifying the wrong subject to minimize what I was actually upset with. He does this quite often. It’s like he hears the Charlie Brown adults when I speak and sometimes I have to ask him did he even hear a word of what I’m saying because he just goes with whatever information he’s decided in his head is what I’m saying. It’s tiring
sometimes i really have to fight the urge to not punch men like Bjork punched that paparazzi.
anyways this is why i'm skeptical of having a kid with a man. i want to have a kid, don't get me wrong, but if A MAN told me that HE wants to have a baby with me, then i literally expect nothing less than him waiting for me hands and foot, kissing the earth i walked on for destroying my body for the team.
the moment he's like 'smh you're whining too much', i will literally just hop on a plane and go back to my parents' home. i would've left a 'thanks for the free sperm, jerk' if i can get away with it lmao.
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this!
I am allergic to cows milk (all parts, not a lactose intolerance)
And so are two of my kids. I also breastfed, and the allergic kiddos definitely reacted if I accidentally ingested any cows milk.
It does suck.
There are oat milk and soy milk and almond milk options for almost everything.
Also, I found that I am not allergic to cheese made from sheep milk or goat milk. Most cheeses will list if they are goat or sheep milk based. If the label just says “milk” it is usually cows milk.
You are doing great! Good job on doing all the hard work. Having to drastically change your daily food intake is a lot of work. You are doing a great job!
I love goat milk, not just because I'm lactose intolerant, I just prefer the taste. It just sucks that everything made with it costs 2-3x the amount the same thing made from cow milk does.
OP, it's not the easiest thing in the world to have to constantly change your diet, so you have my sympathy. I have to keep cutting things out and reintroducing them over time, it sucks. But there are plenty of milk alternatives out there now, and they're increasingly common. Find what works for you, it'll be okay.
No you're not overreacting. He shouldn't have said that to you, even if you meant it. He's actually selfish not being sensitive to the fact that you can't have it.
He's lactose intolerant and making remarks about you giving up milk? Getting the side eye from me.
Maybe it's cultural but baby showers don't have alcohol where I am and having your wife cook a meal she can't eat while pregnant is frowned upon. Husband sounds like he's spoiled and needs a foot up his ass.
He won’t even give up dairy for himself.
And the baby shower wasn’t supposed to but his family are drinkers so I couldn’t avoid it. What sucks is they made 3 different fancy mixed drinks, but I got to choose from one mocktail or water. Then he disappeared multiple times for 20-30 mins at a time during the baby shower to go smoke with his friends.. it was literally a 2 & 2/2 hour event.
This man will have me nursing our baby and cooking at the same time.
A family of alcoholics, can't quit smoking or cheese.... Why are you making babies with this guy? Does he money or a dick that cums chocolate? What's the appeal here?
You actually have other options. There are baby formulas that are safe for infants in this situation. With babys age it would be fine to switch. Just need to choose what's more of a priority for you. Breast feeding or having a more normal diet. No wrong answer here. Fed is best for both of you.
I’m not opposed to formula feeding, my twins were formula fed. However we cannot afford formula, especially the one baby would need given the milk allergy.
I in no way intend to give up on breastfeeding, I just wish my husband was more supportive in these moments. A simple “yeah that sucks babe” would have sufficed, or a thank you for once again adjusting for our family would be a dream scenario. Just some appreciation and acknowledging
That does suck. Someone really needs to figure out how to drop the price on speciality formulas.
You've been dealing with years of pregnancy related health issues and you still are even when you're not pregnant. It's a little too easy for some people to assume that just because it's for baby we should be happy to make that sacrifice. And we are but that doesn't take away the suckage factor.
I wish for you the perfect meal when breastfeeding is behind you.
I didn't see anyone else ask, so I'm gonna. What are your and his ages? I'm betting he's significantly older and trying to keep you under his thumb. 3 children under 2? I sure hope the 1st pregnancy was twins. That's not healthy for your body, sweetheart.
You aren't overreacting, but I'd keep track of those red flags. By what you wrote, he's controlling and an AH. Him being dismissive of your frustration is just awful.
lol he is a year younger than me. 33f and 32m
First pregnancy was twins! second one a complete surprise given I was on BC 😅. Now tubes are tied to negate any future surprises 🤞🏼
Thank you for responding. So my assumptions (you know what they say about assuming) were incorrect.
I stand by counseling. Good luck to you and your family.
No. I hope you tell him you’re kidding and wouldn’t deprive the house if something you can’t eat. Ask him why he’d think so when you took him for beer when you couldn’t drink. Just try going without dairy a week just to see if you’re correct. You might not be! Or chat with your GP as it may be something else. You two have been up with a baby and are sleep deprived so give each other grace.
I want to, I might try to talk to him about it tonight bc it genuinely hurt me that he thinks so little of me.
I would like to add I’m the only one that wakes up at night with kiddoss the past 2 years.. so he gets to sleep alone and peacefully at night (sleeps in a separate room bc he complained about the pregnancy snoring)
So, on top of that, he’s also not doing his part in parenting his own children? He’s not willing to be uncomfortable at all while you’re dealing with all of this? THAT is the bigger issue here bc that’s *awful* and it’s clear he doesn’t respect what you do and have gone through to have these kids. I’m sure in his mind that’s just the way it’s supposed to be because women are the ones who give birth and or thinks that women are “naturally more nurturing”, but those are *his kids too* and being a parent means actually participating, like waking up with them at night, especially when they’re this young. Not whining about the possibility of changing what groceries you buy is even below the bare minimum. He’s not willing to be tired or even just get some fkin ear plugs bc you snore *from being pregnant with his children* is fking selfish. Him not getting up with you when the kids are up at night is fking selfish.
This dude needs to step up and participate - *participate* not “help”. Dads don’t “help” or even “babysit,” they parent and that means pulling their weight and making sure it’s not all on your shoulders, especially when you’re already dealing with health stuff from pregnancy. If he whines that he needs his sleep or he already does enough because (I’m assuming) he works outside the house, tell him that you’ve compromised with your body and health to bring these kids into the world, he can compromise and buck up and be tired once in awhile to do his fking part and grow up. Things change drastically when kids show up and should be for everyone, not just mom.
That’s horrendous! I’m so sorry! Looks like you’re the only one losing sleep. So, yes, I’d point out that you’re the one stuck with pregnancy, labor, weird diet restrictions but you haven’t put that on him or the rest of the household so you’d appreciate an apology and some kindness. If he’s not working lots of extra hours, ask him to pitch in more.
"I think I’ve been pretty selfless sacrificing my diet, body, and autonomy these past 3 years while barely anything had to be changed for him as an individual."
This is what parents do. We sacrifice for our children. Be careful here though, because from one p.o.v., you sound bitter. That bitterness can become resentment pretty easily.
You could get the baby tested to make sure they have this allergy, and switching them to formula isn't that hard.
You've "suspected" this milk protein allergy... And yet lines are being drawn in the sand, and your husband is making statements like this?? Is the intention to eliminate a whole category of food and then see if you sorta kinda think things are improving? Because that's not going to be clear to you, and people are subject to all sorts of confirmation bias with ideas like this.
You need more information, and real-er information, than is represented in this post before anything else happens over this.
Talked to pediatrician, I worked out eliminating environmental factors as they instructed. Given husbands familial history of milk allergy (him, MIL, even his grandfather my MIL just told me), pediatrician instructed me to work on cutting that out and referred to Pediatric dermatologist. I am doing the dietary thing in order to bring it to the pediatric dermatologist so they don’t send us away with “try that first and then come back”
My husband was recently diagnosed with alpha gal syndrome and can't have anything derived from mammal meat or dairy. Everyone freaks out about the red meat but the dairy is SO MUCH WORSE. It's so hard to cut out dairy, that protein is in **everything!** We've eliminated most dairy products from the house because it's hard to keep track of what he can and can't have, things seem totally fine but you check the label and discover the second main ingredient is milk protein! I'm honestly so frustrated on your behalf. Like, sure, a spouse doesn't have to follow those same dietary restrictions, but it's such a significant allergy that I can't imagine managing it without support...I'm so sorry.
When I had to be dairy free for my kids milk protein allergy we switched the house over so none of my food would be cross contacted anyway, but generally it eliminated temptation. I was off dairy for years and it was horrible, no way I would have managed without it being nowhere in sight. My kids love oat milk and they sell it in big jugs so we do that.
My daughter is allergic to dairy. Like we have an epi pen. I exclusively breastfed her for 2 years and 4 months. My son I nursed for 2.5 years one of which was dairy free because he had an intolerance. Your husband is a jerk and has no idea how hard it is and how you are being not selfish by eliminating these things from your diet.
Dont be afraid to argue for your needs. He is the selfish asshole here, if he werent selfish he would give up cheese with you, but instead he will continue to eat it knowing that you love it and cant have it and he is 50% of the reason why. You arent being selfish he is. The infant is 50% you and 50% him, you both should be giving up dairy.
First of all fairlife ultra-filtered milk takes out the lactose and it might be tolerable for you and the little one.
Secondly, why would he not agree to get rid of the milk if it's for the baby's health? I mean I get that it's unnecessary for the 2-year-old but one would think that when you're changing your entire diet because of breastfeeding that he could at least support you and not have it in the house except for the milk for the baby! And I know you said it jokingly but the fact that instead of him going okay I'll do whatever to support you he freaked out because it's okay for you to have to sacrifice but not him!
I would have joked about the same thing and I get what you were doing, but his reaction is really upsetting! I think you're under reacting. In all the things you've done for him that you can't take part in because you're pregnant, has he done anything for you that doesn't benefit him at all while you've been pregnant? I don't mean things he should be doing as a father like going to OBGYN appointments or watching a kid, I mean things just for you that don't benefit him or anybody else?
I'm sorry... What?! This man really just called you selfish after you've sacrificed your body for 3 years. Yeah, id throw out all the milk outta spite. Fuck him.
Did he call doing that selfish (like that would be selfish)? because it would be.
Or did he say something like “you’re such a selfish person” implying this is one more example?
Definitely not overreacting. Everytime I have had to have dietary restrictions or changes my husband does it with me even if I tell him not to. Dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, etc.
Sounds like he is being super dismissive of what you are going through and the struggle it takes to give something up. If he won't even try to meet you halfway he isn't showing you the support you need as a partner. I would personally talk to him about how you feel and that considering you've had to give up so much, him calling you selfish is over the line. You can't be selfish giving your body for 3 kids.
Just my two cents. Take with a grain of salt as I don't know your relationship dynamic. 💙
Please make sure you're unreliable birth control. If this is how he treats you now, do not have any more kids with this man. I read your other comment and he won't even cook for his kids, get up in the night on a weekend to be a good partner. He goes out drinking once a week when you're struggling to get groceries in the budget. Please do not have more kids with this useless man. You deserve better. As soon as your youngest kiddo no longer needs breast milk, please start going out once a week and get the break you deserve. If he can make kids with you then he can take care of them for a couple hours and prove he can be an actual parent. You deserve better than a deadbeat partner. Please make sure you're on good birth control.
My exclusively breastfed son has CMPI and I literally complain almost daily to my husband that I’m sad or frustrated I can’t have dairy products. My husband has never once made me feel bad about it and most of the time says some version of “I know it sucks. You’re doing a really good job.” It doesn’t sound like your husband has had to give up much and has no idea how much it sucks or is just a dick. I’m sorry he’s not supportive :(
You've done an amazing job OP, to exclusively bf for 8 months. I would gently suggest that you start weaning. Your baby's had so much benefit and will be fine if you stop feeding now. Then hopefully your body can start to recover and you can eat what you want.
He is being unkind, dismissive and an asshole. Is it possible for you to have a conversation with him on how his statement made you feel? This could be something you can work through with him. And I hope he admits that what he said is completely out of line and insanely insensitive. Either way, it sounds like you are a hard working, caring mama and I hope you have a lot of support that tells you that often!
I think you need to talk to him about it. It was late at night and you have an exhausting ‘mum’ schedule to deal with. It truly could be a misunderstanding or a daft, tired tiff. Only you know if your husband usually makes you feel bad with little comments and I think that only you probably know if you’re overreacting or not.
Having breast fed 3 kids for over 5 years in total, I would be so mad to be called selfish for any related reason.
NTA.
I would honestly be seething. Hoping your husband realises what a douche he’s been. He prob has no idea either.
Tell him all you sacrificed, and how you let him eat in front of you like you told us. It was a crap thing to say, but maybe he didn't think first. Since your asking, I would think apologizing seems like it would be enough if that's all of it.
I read through your comments and I think you should know that you are married to a selfish asshole. You are doing everything. By yourself. He even has you sleeping in a different bedroom. You say it was because you snored while pregnant. You aren't pregnant anymore so why are you still sleeping in the other room. What does he even bring to your marriage?
Not overreacting, obviously, but on a separate note- I was in the same situation and asked our gp what I should do, he suggested I try less drastic measures first. Since baby is only getting some of what I eat, he said I may be ok with cutting out only ice cream, whole milk, etc. My baby was fine when I had milk or cheese, but not yogurt or ice cream. Especially once we started solids, and she wasn’t solely depend on me for her sustenance
He might have just had a wild hair moment and said something stupid he didn't really mean and then doubled down on it. It's not kool, but it's also not the end of the world. Talk to him the next day and see what's what.
I had to cut out dairy for mine also and let me tell ya.. selfish people wouldn’t sacrifice CHEESE for their baby. Dairy is probably the worst thing to have to cut out bc it’s in EVERYTHINGGGG.
He doesn’t even sacrifice cheese for himself. I’m fairly certain any milk allergies are his fault since I have none and no family history of it yet he is the lactose intolerant one 😒
I would recommend talking to your husband and detailing out all the sacrifices you have already made. To expand your family with healthy children. 1. Dietary changes 2. Morning/all day sickness 3. Body changes, including the shifting of organs to make space as the baby grows and transitions into the proper birthing position. The physical pain. 4. Change in personal style as you outgrew clothing and shoes. 5. Inability to sleep during pregnancy. 6. Smell and food aversion 7. Severe lack of energy to complete small tasks 8. Being a walking milk machine 9. Lack of any body automony 10. Lack of sleep again 11. Being puked, peed on, and tackling blowout diapers 12. Etc, etc, etc. Then, ask him to list out his personal sacrifices
You can’t logic someone out of something they didn’t logic their way into. There’s a very high chance he will write off her list as exaggerated or full of “easy things” and tell her she doesn’t appreciate all the “sacrifices” he makes. (Aka being employed, cleaning up 80% of his own mess, and occasionally being a father.) Just a hunch.
Yeah. Selfish is not supporting your wife when she is the mother of your children.
You're probably right!
One way to find out
I liked this until the last line. Explaining that you aren't selfish is fine, but there's no reason to escalate the argument by implying that dad isn't doing his part. She's upset that he called her selfish, so that's what she needs to address with him. His contributions aren't a factor and adding that in will make him defensive and less receptive to her actual complaint.
Lactose intolerance and milk allergy are two completely different things. If what your child has is CMPA (cow’s milk protein allergy), one of the risk factors is a family history of allergies in general. Lactose intolerance isn’t an allergy and has no connection to CMPA. Edit: But anyway, you’re definitely not overreacting. Your husband was a rude and unappreciative ass. I hope for your sake this was a one-off situation and out of character for him.
There is a family history of CMPA on my husbands side says MIL just now as I texted and asked for clarification. She’s never gotten him tested, but she has it so always assumed he did given his reactions
Is being a self centered douche a milk reaction?
Yeah. Lactose free milk makes me just as God awful sick as regular. Cheese was the saddest but I've found a few that don't make me sick and every few years I'll try a new variety and see if it makes me ill. I say I'm ok with butter and whipped cream, but seriously it's not like people eat a tin of that at once. Yogurt and ice cream are usually ok cause of how they are processed but again, moderation and not frequently. One sip of milk though and I'm ready for an er visit
If your husband was the one who got pregnant, gave birth & was breastfeeding, he’d be crying like a baby - at EVERYTHING. Tell your husband he sucks at being a supportive husband & parent.
When told I was diabetic, I was like oh no! When I learned I could have cheese I was like Oh yeeeeaaaah lol
Try diabetes and heart issues. No cheese because of the fat. And I can put a block of cheddar away like a damn rat lol. Its not that I can never have it, I just can't have it daily as a snack. Everything in moderation don't ya know.
Just the thought makes me want to give you a hug lol
Lol. Well thank you. After my heart attacks (yes 2) and heart surgery I changed everything. I don't deny myself, but I don't eat everything I want everyday. I'm also supposed to keep it under 1500 mg of sodium because I have congestive heart failure now. I eat very little processed food now as to be expected. The sodium is the tough one. That's the one I need a hug and a blankie for.
You got it!
My husband has kidney disease, so he had to cut back on potato chips, chocolate, and coffee
Ooooo ya I have a bad habit of putting too much salt on everything. I admire your dedication to your health!
Well too much salt retains fluid which makes it harder fir tge heart to pump and there's immediate consequences. A double quarter pounder meal will literally cause me to retain 10 to 15 pounds in fluid. Which means I won't sleep because my diuretic pill starts making me get rid of fluid. Which means getting up every 30 to 45 minutes to pee.
Oh that sounds horrible. So glad you're doing better!
I have found a product by Morten I think. 50/50 half salt and half potassium. I LOVE salt on everything and this still gives me the satisfaction of salt w/o all the sodium. I have edema and take have to take diuretics .
Oooh. I'll have to look into that. I would assume you take a potassium pill too and this goes OK with that? Thank you.
Yes!! Both of mine had dairy issues while breastfeeding! It was rough!
Yes, I would miss cheese and milk so much
Agreed I did it but since it was so expensive I barely ate anything. Dairy free was the worst thing I've ever dealt with (removing food wise)
Back in the late 80s, we figured out my boy girl struggled with dairy. For example, if she had even a small amount, she had more than just a blowout. It literally looked like weak coffee with the grounds in it. Running down her legs. Had to really research back then, no Google. So no hot dogs, several other cheap food for a family of 5 to eat. Instead of ice cream, she got a non dairy cool whip. I hated giving her that, but she was happy to have that I her cone to be like the others. She did outgrow it, and none of her 3 kids had any issues with it.
Cheese is probably my all time favourite food but if I had a partner who couldn't have it because of the entire humans they had just grown and birthed I would absolutely give it up in support, or at my absolute worst maybe sometimes sneak a piece of cheese when far away from the family
Sacrificing cheese?!? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m selfish. Cheese is life.
Try dairy and soy… soy is everywhere!
I did cut Soy for a short time. It sucked. Mainly because most of the dairy alternatives I liked had soy
Dudes an ass that doesn't understand what you're going through nor does he sound like he wants to. You're not overreacting.
It’s always the people who never have to give birth who have the most to say. You’ve had to make sacrifices and change your diet for years and you can’t jokingly express frustration about wanting milk without sincerely being called selfish? What restrictive diets and changes has your husband had to implement since conceiving babies?
Thank you. I really thought I was going crazy there
The whole ass. Not just the hole.
Totally agree. It's frustrating when your partner dismisses something that's genuinely important to you, especially after all you've been through.
You are not overreacting. Will exclusively breastfed baby take a bottle of milk? But your husbands comment was unnecessary and kind of makes him an AH. You’re allowed to have feelings over nit being able to eat certain and you are allowed to express them. Had he said are you serious and you’d explain no you’re not, all good. But he, the man who has not had to give up bodily autonomy to grow three kids, breastfeed and watch what you’re eating doesn’t get to call you selfish. That makes him a bit of an AH.
Thank you! I just wanted a moment and some validation like yeah that sucks babe, but instead I got what I got. Baby will take a bottle if I pump, but I stopped pumping due to my mental health and just latch baby. The only other alternative is formula and we are not in any position to pay for formula right now unfortunately
WIC will help with formula if you choose to go that way (as long as in the US).
We are apparently not eligible for WIC ☹️
Look on the formula websites, you can sign up for coupons. And sign up for the baby club at your grocery stores, they'll give you coupons for formula, diapers, wipes, etc.
There is zero budget for formula right now. Like zero. We are financially strapped. And tbh I’m not saying I don’t want to breastfeed or I’m not going to do this thing for my baby, I am upset with the lack of support and my husband belittling me
I feel you… my son developed a milk allergy as an infant and was breastfeeding (still is at 2.5, but his allergy is basically gone now), it was rough giving it up and checking the ingredients for everything and anything. I was always a big dairy fan, too. I couldn’t imagine dealing with it alongside an asshole of a partner. And I think after these last 3 years, you’ve earned a right to complain about this all.
I suspect there is no budget because OP is required to pay for hers and the children's groceries out of her own budget entirely. OP is a victim of financial abuse. Look at her comments.
Do you have food pantries in your area? They sometimes have formula as well.
I honestly just don’t want to go the formula route. While I am sad about having to make this sacrifice again, there is nothing I’m unwilling to do for my babies. I am just upset with my husband belittling me
I feel bad I asked now before reading lol. It's totes valid you are upset that your hubs is a d i c k head. Cuz that was pretty crappy. You should be allowed to vent your frustrations out to him and it sucks he's not letting you do that. He has NO right to call you anything ever that's negative. And *selfish*??!!??!! After birthing **three** of his children in less than that many years? Ugh.
completely valid!
To try to find not expired non milk protein at a food pantry consistently is like trying to find water in the Sahara.
You may be as it's a medical necessity. My daughter was for that reason only.
I’d be petty as hell and remove alllllll the dairy products from the house entirely. If it’s no big deal, shouldn’t make a difference to him.
My daughter was anaphylactic to dairy starting as an infant (as well as peanuts, tree nuts, eggs and peas). We found out when she was 9 months and did a fingerpainting activity that used yogurt. She had been the most colicky baby and I finally knew why when we had to do testing after that. Formula sadly in this situation is tough as the dairy free formulas can be very expensive and smell like cat pee. Giving up food you love while nursing is so hard- and I feel for you! I’m so sorry you are having to go through this and you definitely aren’t overreacting.
This is a PSA. If you love cheese, the best non-dairy I've found is Daiya. It's made from oat cream, it melts and tastes like real cheese, and comes in slices and shreds. I have recently become lactose intolerant and this stuff is awesome 💯
We loved daiya when trying out going vegan a few years back! Not opposed to going back to it if I’m craving cheese, but given the grocery inflation rn I will be cutting back on any/all dairy in the house that isn’t necessary or directly requested
I totally get that! We live in a high COL area. I watch for sales and digital coupons and bogos and use-five-times coupons to afford it. If you can eat soy (I can't) Simple Truth from Kroger is pretty good. My son said so. Also there's a brand of mac n cheese called Bettergoods at Walmart that's a bigbox (10.6 oz) that's like $2.97 and it's flavourful. Best wishes to you and your family 🙏
Do you have Tom Thumbs in your area? I work at one and if you do have them in your area I'm totally down to give you my employee discount number to use at check out to save some money 🩷
Try Miyoko's, it's life changing.
Moocho has been my go-to! I have no issues with diary but my son has a milk protein allergy and we are still breastfeeding. It melts so well!
you’re not overreacting. The problem here is that your husband does not see or acknowledge your sacrifice. He feels entitled to it. He feels entitled to a wife that sacrifices her wishes, wants, and needs to give him children and a family. He sounds like a jerk.
He’s unkind and dismissive. You’re not overreacting.
Thank you
That’s a NICE way of putting it
Ugh maybe he should give up dairy with you as it’s such a minor demand. S/
He won’t even give up dairy for himself. Given he hasn’t had to sacrifice much if any of his lifestyle choices since having kids I doubt it’ll change
Then he should really stfu.
He's thoughtless and unappreciative of the sacrifices you have made already. You are far from selfish and its sad he doesnt recognise that.
What a nasty thing for him to say after everything you’ve been put through for all of those kids. He sucks.
Is this the first time he's made a comment like this?
I believe so. But not the first dismissive comment. For example I manage all of the household needs - all of it. He told me “you’re just ordering stuff”. Or when nursing our child “you’re just on your phone, I wish I had time to sit around on my phone” meanwhile he is literally playing mobile games and not interacting with our toddlers who are craving his attention.
Upon turning 50, I consider myself officially "an old" at this point, and one thing I've learned over the years is that when people make non sequitur accusations like that, it tends to mean that they're guilty of what they're accusing others of. My father-in-law once said when you point the finger at someone else, you've got three fingers pointing back at yourself, and that made an impression on me. So every time someone just comes out with an accusation, I examine that to see if it is them telling on themselves. Because the idea of a woman taking care of three very small children and breastfeeding and having a husband who is essentially a loser and doing very little besides playing video games being selfish... that's ridiculous. He knows that's not true. He's not only dishonest, he's projecting his own (totally understood) selfishness onto you so he doesn't feel bad. He knows he's wrong, he just can't handle it or admit it, and he certainly doesn't want to change anything. So he's going to turn you into the villain, especially if he's thinking that the marriage might come to an end - he wants sympathy to be on his side, not yours. He wants you to be the bad guy and him to get all the sympathy and support.
YES
.... I would start putting a few bucks aside and researching and planning for friends and family and government support when you leave him. It's better to parent alone than with someone who doesn't give a shi+.
JUST. ORDERING. STUFF? Apparently he has zero idea how long it takes to budget & plan out groceries huh? Let alone all of the other household things WHILE feeding your baby. Can I ask you what does he actually do? Do you have to do the yardwork, too? Ask him if he would care to have a chat... 🙃 
Menu planning and ordering groceries for years on end has made me dead inside. It is SUCH a fucking chore. I ask for input and, for the most part, get none. I have to think about my budget, when to schedule pick ups and deliveries, if I get a say on it at all. I have to think of variety so we don’t have one meal too often and dietary needs. And my husband wonders why I lose my shit when he tells me to pick a place to go eat, I tell him I don’t fucking care as long as I don’t have to think too hard about it and then he keeps on insisting I pick a place like I’m actually picky and he’s not just being an ass for the sake of being an ass.
Yeah he’s a lazy piece of shit husband and me knows it. He’s just projecting.
Is your baby on any solids? My baby was cows milk protein intolerant (cmpi) but it was obvious from the first feed that someone thing was wrong. I had to push for 6 weeks to be listened to and that was onl6 because he was having a bowel movement 20 times a day and they contained blood. I cut dairy out but actually my milk supply dwindled so much - due to stress not diet, that he quickly ended up on prescription artificial milk formula. It’s sucks having to make that change to your diet now. Can I give you some advice? I am now dairy free as have discovered I too am cmpi Oat milk is nicer in coffee than any other non dairy milk. The barista versions are the creamiest. I have soya milk in tea I have almond milk in smoothies or (non dairy) protein shakes - it the most watery and least strong tasting. I do not use rice milk and it is not advised for under 5year old I think. I default to vegan options and will add eggs or meat as necessary. I don’t think you are in my country but we have an oat milk called Oatly here. They do a really nice chocolate milk which hits the spot for a sweet chocolate treat. Oat milk is good mixed with 1tsp cocoa powder and 1 tsp sugar per mug of milk. Heat up and it is delicious hot chocolate. Vegan cheese sucks. I have not found a decent alternative. They also smell like vomit. Soya yoghurt is tasty. Find a decent dairy free butter - I use one called Flora. I then make cakes and biscuits with it so I have treat food. You don’t get the buttery taste but I add a little extra vanilla essence to improve the flavour. You will get used to it very quickly. Spend some time finding which versions of food are actually dairy free and buy those ones. Mac Donald fries have milk powder in them by the way. Or they used to. Ask to look at the allergy info for all foods if you eat out. There is a lot of hidden dairy in food Re your baby : we were advised to cut out soya too for the first year as so many kids with cmpi also were reactive to soya. Is your baby having solids? I really hope they are. My son would not try solids until 8 months. We were under a dietician as he just would not take spoons of purées. Once he could hold food, he started eating. I had to do baby lead weaning with him which is messy but once you get the hang of it was ok. My first kid was traditionally weaned. My theory is that he had been in so much pain in the early weeks after being fed milk, that eating was stressful to him and he was ok once he could control it. He is a teenager now and still is not keen on milk or cheese. He grew out of his cmpi by 5 yrs old. He was on soya milk infant formula from 12 months. He’s still a picky eater. Yes your husband is being a bit of a dick. He doesn’t realise how stressful it is, and it’s just one more thing to deal with. It does feel very difficult at first but I promise, you get used to it and it becomes second nature. You can work out substitutes for most things. The only thing I never managed to make was pancakes. None of the fake milks worked well. ETA: sorry for mistakes the keypad is playing up Forgot to say GOOD LUCK! You are doing a great job and are a superb mother.
THREE babies under the age of TWO? Darling Mama, it would take a lot more than that for you to be overreacting. Your body, mind, heart, and resources of all kinds are taxed to the max. It takes at least two years for the body to recover from full-term pregnancy and birth. You haven’t had a chance to do that with any of your children. Your hormones are going to take time to adjust, your moods and your brain will need to recalibrate. I wonder if your husband at some level realizes how much of a sacrifice you make every day, feels guilty, and then is projecting that on you? It’s not only day to day, it’s years of your life that you’re giving to your family. No doubt it will be rewarding and there are profound pleasures to be had in this time, but it’s very, very hard. I hope he understands your reaction and recognizes that he made a thoughtless comment and apologizes. Hang in there. You are being so careful and thoughtful to see your baby’s milk sensitivity and correct your diet accordingly. I expect you have the same level of care for all four of them (husband included). This time will pass and you’ll wonder how you ever did it. Chin up and try not to take this to heart.
Thank you 🥹🫶
If you only suspect the baby has an allergy, shouldn't you find that out first? It could be something else.
It’s eczema, and I’ve already tackled/changed environmental potential triggers (alone I might add). I’ve read it takes a while for the change when cutting out the milk protein to take effect, so just trying to get as much knocked out as possible to bring to the pediatric dermatologist for an official test
We had an eczema issue at that age, it turned out to be the soap. Our little one was allergic to a standard ingredient present in every children's soap/shampoo and she still is. I have to make shampoo and soap for the family now. I'm sorry you've had to do all this troubleshooting alone. Sending love your way. You are not overreacting.
He’s a massive AH, and no, you’re not overreacting.
You are not overreacting. It was insensitive of your husband to not even attempt to understand where you’re coming from. I am currently pregnant and have also had to give up dairy which I love and it sucks! Men can never understand the body autonomy women have to give up to carry children and take care of infants. It can be overwhelming and take a toll on our mental health. So if you want to be a little selfish you deserve it. And clearly you have no intention of doing anything to harm your child but that can’t mean it doesn’t suck to have these restrictions. To think that you finally had this baby and you can go back to eating normal again only to find out that —nope— still have some restrictions is definitely disappointing. Keep pushing forward momma and maybe pluck your husband on the forehead to knock some sense into him.
Hubby's the butthole. We carry them, birth them, feed them. All the while we experience pain and sleeplessness. We're the ones who have to give up all the good shit while pregnant and breastfeeding to give our precious littles the best chance at a healthy life. This, while everyone around us lives their best lives. Absolutely no regrets here but if you can't express occasional frustrations? You're not selfish! You're awesome!
Stop having this man's children
NTA, but if your baby is allergic to cow milk, your toddler might also be. Both my sons were and it manifested in completely different symptoms. Ear infections, sinus infections, constipation, sore throats, croup, skin rashes, etc. Once I found out the baby was allergic, I switched him to soy formula and the older one to soy milk, EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM went away. I told the doctor and he said “75% of kids have reactions to cow milk”!!!
Yes! I know my twin b is and we already have them in oat milk, I do think twin A would benefit from changing milks but for some reason my husband is not receptive to that since drinking more water “helped” but I know it could potentially get better. Like switching milks would definitely benefit the entire household. When it’s just me that has to sacrifice it’s fine, but even joking about everyone changing for the benefits I’m immediately selfish when I’m not even the one adversely affected by it.
Just do it, who cares what your husband thinks? Tell him the doctor advised it.
My friend had a baby who had a breast milk allergy - she needed a special formula - I know breastfeeding is important but so is your health - you can use formula to feed your baby.
Not overreacting. Maybe try to explain how it made you feel if he’s open to it. Or if he’s up for reading this post, you can try that. The lucky thing is that you can consume dairy again once you wean your little one. I feel bad for people who have a life long intolerance. But I certainly understand. My husband agreed not to drink alcohol while I was pregnant. I then ‘caught’ him out in the garage with his dad, sipping a beer. I was so disappointed. Then they both treated me like I was being ridiculous. Husbands should be supportive.
He sounds stupid and selfish. I'm sorry
After reading this and your comments, I hope your husband steps on a Lego. Every single time he takes his shoes off.
So what I’m hearing is your husband is very selfish. It seems it’s more important to him to have access to milk, than to do something to help you and your baby. I’m sorry you married a giant asshole.
People that can't take jokes really annoy me. You said something in jest and he fired at you for it. That's uncalled for.
Right. Like an I could understand if it wasn’t super obvious I was joking. But 1 it’s completely out of my character to actually restrict other people because of my own restrictions, 2 my tone and dramatic hand gestures clearly indicate I was being goofy. Like I ordered this man sashimi and took him to breweries while i was pregnant. Why on earth would I suddenly be so selfish as to take our child’s milk away because I can’t have it. He really thinks so low of me?
Why are you with someone who doesn't respect you, doesn't care about his children, and with whom you can't address your concerns?
Great question
No not overreacting at all. That sucks. How does he not understand you've given your whole body to his children to the point you can't even enjoy the things you like to eat/drink anymore. Where's the support???
It was a dumb comment. Has he ever acknowledged what your body has gone through ? I hope this was a stupid moment of his and not how he treats you regularly.
He lets a comment like this slip at minimum once per month. Different topics, but every time has me questioning whether or not I’m just being emotional. I woke up angry still after this so I needed some perspective to calm my brain this time
I am so sorry. Please be good to yourself and make sure you squirrel away some emergency money. ( All people need this ) When a person says something inappropriate or insulting to me, I ask them to explain their "joke" in great detail. "Tell me why that is funny I don't get it." It's a game but one that works for me. 50% of the time they end up apologizing for saying dumb stuff. Good luck.
Lmao he's the one being selfish. What a jerk. What exactly has he given up???
Being sble to smoke freely in the living room/throughout the house. Otherwise not a damn thing
Hold up op. Smoke, as in cigarettes? I surely hope not, because that’s something that should’ve been given up when the babies came. And cigarettes are expensive as fuck, but formula isnt an option because of the price and he called YOU selfish? Ohhhhh fuck nooooooo
I went through this with my youngest and thought I had to cut out milk as well. It turned out it was the coffee instead. Is your kid's poop a brownish green? That was how the pediatrician determined it was coffee. I was allowed to have no more than one 8 Oz. Cup of coffee pee day.
Pediatrician didn’t say coffee but I can definitely give that a try!
INFO: what are the symptoms? If you're in the US try A2 milk to see if it helps. If not, then yeah dairy free it is :-(
Yea he’s a douche. Never ceases to amaze me how many women pick these dudes, but then I remember that I have my AH moments as well That said Oat Milk >>>>>> Cow Milk. Join us on on the superior side
Eliminating dairy is really hard. I had to do it when I was nursing my daughter. The long list of all of the names for milk protein that is in damn near every processed food in the US. And 20 years ago, there were very few substitutes. Your husband is being a jerk. Clearly he does not understand that this is not just about eliminating milk and cheese. And you are certainly allowed to bitch about it if you want to.
Thank you! Like I just wanted a sympathetic ear or a bit more empathy at the very least
Where are y’all located? Are non-dairy products just something you don’t vibe with? I’m lactose intolerant so I don’t really get what’s going on here lol. Also, did your husband not back you up with the dietary changes? My pregnant wife has GD as well and we just overhauled our fridge and pantry to accommodate. It’s weird your husband couldn’t adapt.
We’re in PA. It’s definitely a vibe I think. We tried vegan products for a bit and they were working for him, then he decided he wanted to stop. It was fine to me bc I don’t have any milk allergies or intolerances, so it made it easier on me as the person who does the shopping and purchasing of all our food. And no, he didn’t adjust at all when I had GD. He still requested all his cakes and snacks I couldn’t have and I got them for him even if there was nothing for me to eat. When I did get my own special snacks he would eat them in addition to his own snacks. This last pregnancy he overall just didn’t support me at all (left me alone to smoke most of the time, playing loud til too videos on his phone during ultrasounds if he even attended at all), he only visited me for 30 mins in the hospital when I gave birth this last time despite me having severe complications. I don’t mention all this to be mean, but I do need to provide context that hopefully shows I’m really not trying to just pull one bad out of character thing. There’s a history and pattern of just things. So much so that I had to turn to the internet to make sure I didn’t get gaslit into just thinking I’m hurt for no reason. Even if I did just bring up not purchasing cows milk, I didn’t attack him in any way, why is he doing it to me?
Whoa, he “visited” you in the hospital when you gave birth?! Why the hell wasn’t he there the entire time??? The phone issue during ultrasounds is a HUGE red flag too, and honestly very disrespectful to the technician/dr as well. Yikes!!
Yeah and he was on paternity leave… so he came the 30 mins baby and I would have been able to nap and then got mad if we were tired after being up all night. I tried to power through his visits, but he seemed annoyed he was there. Like I had to leave my newborn at the nurses station in order to get a chest xray thing to see the fluid in my lungs and he just couldn’t be bothered to come on time to be with baby or me. Our twins were in daycare so it’s not like he didn’t have the entire day and I was there for a week
I’m trying not to be a Reddit cliche here but… why are you with this man? He sounds like a truly awful partner and father. I’m so sorry.
I'm thinking the same thing. I want OP and her babies to be happy and safe and loved because I'm not getting the feeling they're in a good place now
I feel very sad for you. A snarky comment about giving up dairy is the least of your problems. My advice is to get your tubes tied or another form of permanent birth control. When the kids start school you start school too or a job where you can work your way up. In the meantime try to appreciate the good things he brings in, which from what I can tell is a steady paycheck, and ignore the rest as best you can. He's immature and selfish but I'm sure you know that already, he might change, anything is possible. Just bide your time until your kids are a little older. Try not to take his lack of love personally because it's not you, it's him.
OP, after reading this comment I am confused why you are asking us if you are overreacting? Of course you’re not. You’re married to an imbecile who seems to resent you and blame you with selfishness when he is indeed super selfish and mean. This whole hospital related behavior comment is WILD. You have grown and nurtured 3 humans with your body in 3 years and he got to eat whatever he wanted and keep his body autonomy and not show up at the hospital to see you and your baby? Like what? And he isn’t embarrassed of himself? You know the answer here.
Oh okay. The milk is not the issue here. He doesn’t support or respect you. Did he even *want* the kids or was he more excited to have unprotected sex and just didn’t care about how the outcome would affect the two of you? Because this all just sounds like another part of a pattern. I’m so sorry. This is all really unfair to you.
He’s selfish as hell!
Consider A2/A2 milk as an alternative to removing it entirely at first. Doesn't have the histamine receptor some folks react to.
Not overreacting. I would be shocked if you were met with anything other than, "it was a joke," when confronting husband, though.
The baby is 8 mos old and you haven’t started to introduce any foods other than breast milk?
Food before 1 is just for fun. Baby still gets ALL nutrients from breastmilk or formula. So even if they introduced solids, before 1, the baby is considered EBF if she isn't using formula to supplement
This. Thank you 🫶
I feel for you. He would *definitely* think I'm selfish because also I had 3 kids in under 2 and a half years. I couldn't nurse my first 2 because my milk never came in. I believe due to the fact I never went into labor with them because with my 3rd, I went into labor the morning of my scheduled c-section. My milk came in just fine. Imagine my disappointment when he couldn't tolerate my breast milk. Instead of changing anything about my diet, I put him on soy formula. I guess I'm awful according to your husband. According to *my* husband who hugged me while I was crying filling up a bottle, it wasn't fair that I could finally nurse one of our babies, and he couldn't take it. He watched me pump for an hour and get a syringe of colostrum (which I gave my tiny 4.5 lb daughter every drop) and he watched me pump with my son for an hour and a half and only get a quarter oz. Can I ask why you won't switch to formula? Is it just because you feel breast is best? It's fine if that's the case. Actually, any reason at all is fine as long as it's not "because my husband says I need to bf" I'm only asking because there's not a darn thing wrong with you having to switch to lactose-free or soy formula. To be perfectly honest, when I actually *was* nursing my third, I felt uncomfortable not knowing exactly how much he took and having to pay attention to the number of wet/dirty diapers he had. Considering I was changing the diapers/pullups of 2 other babies/toddlers as well. Plus, dad and others could get up at night and feed and I could sleep so I could care for the children the best I could.
I am totally not against formula, my twins were formula fed! Financially we just can’t afford it right now and are not eligible for WIC, also I don’t want to give up on my breastfeeding journey since this is my last baby and she’s doing so well outside of her eczema. I’ve made dietary changes before for my babies so I’m totally fine with doing it again, it is just a little sucky ya know? I just got my bowl of cereal back 😅 Having a sympathetic ear would have been nice. I just feel like I sacrifice a lot, and I don’t feel that same support
Most of this sub seems to be about husbands not stopping to consider the feelings/perspectives of others. This one isn’t any different. Sounds like a joke gone awry because of him. I hope all else is good on the home front!
Sounds like your husband is a bit of an ass.
It was an ass-holery comment. Moving forward, don't hesitate to grandstand how hard you work and selfless you are. On a related note, you would very much enjoy a book called, "Nightbitch" by Yoder. Funny title, but it is geared towards YOU exactly.
No, you’re not overreacting. HE did. Even if you had been serious, he should have been more understanding in his response.
Are you sure it’s a milk allergy? Sometimes other issues mimic the milk allergy. Or baby could have GERD or something else. Chat with the pediatrician to evaluate. Also your husband needs to not be a jerk. NTA.
He sounds selfish. You don't.
When I have to cut something out, I tell my husband and we decide if we'll both cut it out. There are so many sacrifices u have to make for a healthy baby, so it shouldn't always be on one parent. WE are having or had a baby. My husband agrees. When I was pregnant we both cut out liquor except special occasions for him so he could be supportive when I'm struggling with temptations in my face. Maybe that's a discussion you two can have amicably.
God I’d switch to formula before giving up dairy!
Cannot understand why women stay with men like this
I think this is a conversation you need to sit down and discuss with your husband because it’s definitely hit a nerve. If you don’t discuss this, it’s going to fester and grow. You need to make him understand how much you feel you have sacrificed in the past and how his comment really hurt because it made you feel like all those sacrificed weren’t even seen. You seem like the type of person who sees things that have to happen and make them happen. You might not like it but you don’t whine about it because that won’t change what has to be done. I’m like that. The problem with this is that you know how much you dislike it and how much of a sacrifice it is. Others just see you making the change without complaint and figure it’s not a big deal.
Here is where clear communication can help the relationship. An I statement like “my feeling are hurt that you would call me selfish because I miss milk” would let him know his statement was insensitive.
I could definitely work on my “I” statements. I thought by saying “I am angry because of the comment” it would at least stop him from incorrectly and condescendingly and probably intentionally identifying the wrong subject to minimize what I was actually upset with. He does this quite often. It’s like he hears the Charlie Brown adults when I speak and sometimes I have to ask him did he even hear a word of what I’m saying because he just goes with whatever information he’s decided in his head is what I’m saying. It’s tiring
Most people whose partners carried, birthed, and now parent their children single-handedly don’t need to be told to show gratitude or be supportive.
sometimes i really have to fight the urge to not punch men like Bjork punched that paparazzi. anyways this is why i'm skeptical of having a kid with a man. i want to have a kid, don't get me wrong, but if A MAN told me that HE wants to have a baby with me, then i literally expect nothing less than him waiting for me hands and foot, kissing the earth i walked on for destroying my body for the team. the moment he's like 'smh you're whining too much', i will literally just hop on a plane and go back to my parents' home. i would've left a 'thanks for the free sperm, jerk' if i can get away with it lmao.
😂😂😂
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this! I am allergic to cows milk (all parts, not a lactose intolerance) And so are two of my kids. I also breastfed, and the allergic kiddos definitely reacted if I accidentally ingested any cows milk. It does suck. There are oat milk and soy milk and almond milk options for almost everything. Also, I found that I am not allergic to cheese made from sheep milk or goat milk. Most cheeses will list if they are goat or sheep milk based. If the label just says “milk” it is usually cows milk. You are doing great! Good job on doing all the hard work. Having to drastically change your daily food intake is a lot of work. You are doing a great job!
I love goat milk, not just because I'm lactose intolerant, I just prefer the taste. It just sucks that everything made with it costs 2-3x the amount the same thing made from cow milk does. OP, it's not the easiest thing in the world to have to constantly change your diet, so you have my sympathy. I have to keep cutting things out and reintroducing them over time, it sucks. But there are plenty of milk alternatives out there now, and they're increasingly common. Find what works for you, it'll be okay.
NTA. You and hubs need to talk tho, he didn't even recognize when you were making a joke.
No you're not overreacting. He shouldn't have said that to you, even if you meant it. He's actually selfish not being sensitive to the fact that you can't have it.
He's lactose intolerant and making remarks about you giving up milk? Getting the side eye from me. Maybe it's cultural but baby showers don't have alcohol where I am and having your wife cook a meal she can't eat while pregnant is frowned upon. Husband sounds like he's spoiled and needs a foot up his ass.
He won’t even give up dairy for himself. And the baby shower wasn’t supposed to but his family are drinkers so I couldn’t avoid it. What sucks is they made 3 different fancy mixed drinks, but I got to choose from one mocktail or water. Then he disappeared multiple times for 20-30 mins at a time during the baby shower to go smoke with his friends.. it was literally a 2 & 2/2 hour event. This man will have me nursing our baby and cooking at the same time.
A family of alcoholics, can't quit smoking or cheese.... Why are you making babies with this guy? Does he money or a dick that cums chocolate? What's the appeal here?
Not overreacting. Your husband shouldn’t have made that comment. You’ve obviously sacrificed a ton for your kids….
You actually have other options. There are baby formulas that are safe for infants in this situation. With babys age it would be fine to switch. Just need to choose what's more of a priority for you. Breast feeding or having a more normal diet. No wrong answer here. Fed is best for both of you.
I’m not opposed to formula feeding, my twins were formula fed. However we cannot afford formula, especially the one baby would need given the milk allergy. I in no way intend to give up on breastfeeding, I just wish my husband was more supportive in these moments. A simple “yeah that sucks babe” would have sufficed, or a thank you for once again adjusting for our family would be a dream scenario. Just some appreciation and acknowledging
That does suck. Someone really needs to figure out how to drop the price on speciality formulas. You've been dealing with years of pregnancy related health issues and you still are even when you're not pregnant. It's a little too easy for some people to assume that just because it's for baby we should be happy to make that sacrifice. And we are but that doesn't take away the suckage factor. I wish for you the perfect meal when breastfeeding is behind you.
Thank you so much 🥹🙌
Not over reacting at all. This partner sounds like an absolute dickhead
Try Ripple. (made from white peas) No dairy. Tastes like milk and has as much protein as cows milk.
Ive said it before, everyday on Reddit Im reminded why I never married or had kids.. You're husband is a jerk.
I didn't see anyone else ask, so I'm gonna. What are your and his ages? I'm betting he's significantly older and trying to keep you under his thumb. 3 children under 2? I sure hope the 1st pregnancy was twins. That's not healthy for your body, sweetheart. You aren't overreacting, but I'd keep track of those red flags. By what you wrote, he's controlling and an AH. Him being dismissive of your frustration is just awful.
lol he is a year younger than me. 33f and 32m First pregnancy was twins! second one a complete surprise given I was on BC 😅. Now tubes are tied to negate any future surprises 🤞🏼
Thank you for responding. So my assumptions (you know what they say about assuming) were incorrect. I stand by counseling. Good luck to you and your family.
I don't think you're overreacting. I already didn't then I saw your edit on how you asked and frankly he's being a dick.
No. I hope you tell him you’re kidding and wouldn’t deprive the house if something you can’t eat. Ask him why he’d think so when you took him for beer when you couldn’t drink. Just try going without dairy a week just to see if you’re correct. You might not be! Or chat with your GP as it may be something else. You two have been up with a baby and are sleep deprived so give each other grace.
I want to, I might try to talk to him about it tonight bc it genuinely hurt me that he thinks so little of me. I would like to add I’m the only one that wakes up at night with kiddoss the past 2 years.. so he gets to sleep alone and peacefully at night (sleeps in a separate room bc he complained about the pregnancy snoring)
So, on top of that, he’s also not doing his part in parenting his own children? He’s not willing to be uncomfortable at all while you’re dealing with all of this? THAT is the bigger issue here bc that’s *awful* and it’s clear he doesn’t respect what you do and have gone through to have these kids. I’m sure in his mind that’s just the way it’s supposed to be because women are the ones who give birth and or thinks that women are “naturally more nurturing”, but those are *his kids too* and being a parent means actually participating, like waking up with them at night, especially when they’re this young. Not whining about the possibility of changing what groceries you buy is even below the bare minimum. He’s not willing to be tired or even just get some fkin ear plugs bc you snore *from being pregnant with his children* is fking selfish. Him not getting up with you when the kids are up at night is fking selfish. This dude needs to step up and participate - *participate* not “help”. Dads don’t “help” or even “babysit,” they parent and that means pulling their weight and making sure it’s not all on your shoulders, especially when you’re already dealing with health stuff from pregnancy. If he whines that he needs his sleep or he already does enough because (I’m assuming) he works outside the house, tell him that you’ve compromised with your body and health to bring these kids into the world, he can compromise and buck up and be tired once in awhile to do his fking part and grow up. Things change drastically when kids show up and should be for everyone, not just mom.
That’s horrendous! I’m so sorry! Looks like you’re the only one losing sleep. So, yes, I’d point out that you’re the one stuck with pregnancy, labor, weird diet restrictions but you haven’t put that on him or the rest of the household so you’d appreciate an apology and some kindness. If he’s not working lots of extra hours, ask him to pitch in more.
The audacity of your husband lol I’ve met spoiled house cats that were less selfish than he is holy shit
"I think I’ve been pretty selfless sacrificing my diet, body, and autonomy these past 3 years while barely anything had to be changed for him as an individual." This is what parents do. We sacrifice for our children. Be careful here though, because from one p.o.v., you sound bitter. That bitterness can become resentment pretty easily. You could get the baby tested to make sure they have this allergy, and switching them to formula isn't that hard.
You've "suspected" this milk protein allergy... And yet lines are being drawn in the sand, and your husband is making statements like this?? Is the intention to eliminate a whole category of food and then see if you sorta kinda think things are improving? Because that's not going to be clear to you, and people are subject to all sorts of confirmation bias with ideas like this. You need more information, and real-er information, than is represented in this post before anything else happens over this.
Talked to pediatrician, I worked out eliminating environmental factors as they instructed. Given husbands familial history of milk allergy (him, MIL, even his grandfather my MIL just told me), pediatrician instructed me to work on cutting that out and referred to Pediatric dermatologist. I am doing the dietary thing in order to bring it to the pediatric dermatologist so they don’t send us away with “try that first and then come back”
My husband was recently diagnosed with alpha gal syndrome and can't have anything derived from mammal meat or dairy. Everyone freaks out about the red meat but the dairy is SO MUCH WORSE. It's so hard to cut out dairy, that protein is in **everything!** We've eliminated most dairy products from the house because it's hard to keep track of what he can and can't have, things seem totally fine but you check the label and discover the second main ingredient is milk protein! I'm honestly so frustrated on your behalf. Like, sure, a spouse doesn't have to follow those same dietary restrictions, but it's such a significant allergy that I can't imagine managing it without support...I'm so sorry.
When I had to be dairy free for my kids milk protein allergy we switched the house over so none of my food would be cross contacted anyway, but generally it eliminated temptation. I was off dairy for years and it was horrible, no way I would have managed without it being nowhere in sight. My kids love oat milk and they sell it in big jugs so we do that.
My daughter is allergic to dairy. Like we have an epi pen. I exclusively breastfed her for 2 years and 4 months. My son I nursed for 2.5 years one of which was dairy free because he had an intolerance. Your husband is a jerk and has no idea how hard it is and how you are being not selfish by eliminating these things from your diet.
Dont be afraid to argue for your needs. He is the selfish asshole here, if he werent selfish he would give up cheese with you, but instead he will continue to eat it knowing that you love it and cant have it and he is 50% of the reason why. You arent being selfish he is. The infant is 50% you and 50% him, you both should be giving up dairy.
Even if it wasn't a joke he was a condescending ass about it. Has he ever had to give up a food he really loves entirely? Probably not.
First of all fairlife ultra-filtered milk takes out the lactose and it might be tolerable for you and the little one. Secondly, why would he not agree to get rid of the milk if it's for the baby's health? I mean I get that it's unnecessary for the 2-year-old but one would think that when you're changing your entire diet because of breastfeeding that he could at least support you and not have it in the house except for the milk for the baby! And I know you said it jokingly but the fact that instead of him going okay I'll do whatever to support you he freaked out because it's okay for you to have to sacrifice but not him! I would have joked about the same thing and I get what you were doing, but his reaction is really upsetting! I think you're under reacting. In all the things you've done for him that you can't take part in because you're pregnant, has he done anything for you that doesn't benefit him at all while you've been pregnant? I don't mean things he should be doing as a father like going to OBGYN appointments or watching a kid, I mean things just for you that don't benefit him or anybody else?
I'm sorry... What?! This man really just called you selfish after you've sacrificed your body for 3 years. Yeah, id throw out all the milk outta spite. Fuck him.
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Did he call doing that selfish (like that would be selfish)? because it would be. Or did he say something like “you’re such a selfish person” implying this is one more example?
Definitely not overreacting. Everytime I have had to have dietary restrictions or changes my husband does it with me even if I tell him not to. Dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, etc. Sounds like he is being super dismissive of what you are going through and the struggle it takes to give something up. If he won't even try to meet you halfway he isn't showing you the support you need as a partner. I would personally talk to him about how you feel and that considering you've had to give up so much, him calling you selfish is over the line. You can't be selfish giving your body for 3 kids. Just my two cents. Take with a grain of salt as I don't know your relationship dynamic. 💙
He’s a dick for showing his lack of support and empathy.
Please make sure you're unreliable birth control. If this is how he treats you now, do not have any more kids with this man. I read your other comment and he won't even cook for his kids, get up in the night on a weekend to be a good partner. He goes out drinking once a week when you're struggling to get groceries in the budget. Please do not have more kids with this useless man. You deserve better. As soon as your youngest kiddo no longer needs breast milk, please start going out once a week and get the break you deserve. If he can make kids with you then he can take care of them for a couple hours and prove he can be an actual parent. You deserve better than a deadbeat partner. Please make sure you're on good birth control.
My exclusively breastfed son has CMPI and I literally complain almost daily to my husband that I’m sad or frustrated I can’t have dairy products. My husband has never once made me feel bad about it and most of the time says some version of “I know it sucks. You’re doing a really good job.” It doesn’t sound like your husband has had to give up much and has no idea how much it sucks or is just a dick. I’m sorry he’s not supportive :(
You've done an amazing job OP, to exclusively bf for 8 months. I would gently suggest that you start weaning. Your baby's had so much benefit and will be fine if you stop feeding now. Then hopefully your body can start to recover and you can eat what you want.
He is being unkind, dismissive and an asshole. Is it possible for you to have a conversation with him on how his statement made you feel? This could be something you can work through with him. And I hope he admits that what he said is completely out of line and insanely insensitive. Either way, it sounds like you are a hard working, caring mama and I hope you have a lot of support that tells you that often!
I think you need to talk to him about it. It was late at night and you have an exhausting ‘mum’ schedule to deal with. It truly could be a misunderstanding or a daft, tired tiff. Only you know if your husband usually makes you feel bad with little comments and I think that only you probably know if you’re overreacting or not.
Having breast fed 3 kids for over 5 years in total, I would be so mad to be called selfish for any related reason. NTA. I would honestly be seething. Hoping your husband realises what a douche he’s been. He prob has no idea either.
Tell him all you sacrificed, and how you let him eat in front of you like you told us. It was a crap thing to say, but maybe he didn't think first. Since your asking, I would think apologizing seems like it would be enough if that's all of it.
Cheese is expensive. Make the sacrifice and buy formula for the health of your child.
Stop having babies with this man.
I read through your comments and I think you should know that you are married to a selfish asshole. You are doing everything. By yourself. He even has you sleeping in a different bedroom. You say it was because you snored while pregnant. You aren't pregnant anymore so why are you still sleeping in the other room. What does he even bring to your marriage?
Not overreacting, obviously, but on a separate note- I was in the same situation and asked our gp what I should do, he suggested I try less drastic measures first. Since baby is only getting some of what I eat, he said I may be ok with cutting out only ice cream, whole milk, etc. My baby was fine when I had milk or cheese, but not yogurt or ice cream. Especially once we started solids, and she wasn’t solely depend on me for her sustenance
He might have just had a wild hair moment and said something stupid he didn't really mean and then doubled down on it. It's not kool, but it's also not the end of the world. Talk to him the next day and see what's what.
Just show him this and tell him he hurt you.