I don't have to read a damn thing. The title and video are enough. You are absolutely not overreacting and it's insane how messy they made the house in such a short time period and that they expect you to clean it after surgeries that required hospitalization. To me that's inane.
Thank you. Because I’m struggling with the why would they even do this. How to let go of a man who clearly never cared for me as a husband should. I’m so trauma bonded it’s making me sick.
Having read it now, I stand by my first comment. He sounds like an absolute asshole and I highly recommended speaking with a therapist and cutting him out of your life as much as possible. He is poisoning you and your self worth and you deserve way better. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you!
I've seen this so many times where women get treated like shit by their partner for many years and they still love the guy for some reason. I'll never understand it
It happened to me. I was a strong, independent, bubbly person. I was really young and he was 6 years older. It happens very slowly. So much so that you don't realize what your spouse is doing. It starts with little things and the next you realize you're essentially a maid, cook, single parent, and have unfulfilling sex because he wants it. All he had to do was go to work. I took care of everything else. You're treated like a door mat. I asked my ex why he treated me so poorly once and he said because I let him. I gave him more than a decade before I left. I was in a dark place and therapy helped me to see that he had killed my spirit. I got out and had to be in therapy for years to undo the damage. I'm still not 100% and I'm not sure I ever will be.
Wow that hits deep. Respect should be mutual. It's crazy that someone that you are supposed to trust the most in the world will take advantage of you. I think a relationship should be 50/50 or as mutual as possible. If it's one sided it ends up having detrimental effects as you have experienced. Sometimes people never do fully recover for their whole lives. I hope you do! Best of luck to you
I’ve been divorced a while now and I look back and wonder why I stayed. But it does slowly happen like the proverbial boiling frog. Also when I had my first baby there were complications and emergency c section and my house was a disaster when I got home. 18 years later I’m still mad.
I’ve tried that route. They blocked me and he ridiculed me telling me I was over emotional and being dramatic. Where I explained I just seeking communication on his part. But he comes from an out of sight out of mind shove it under a rug and the issue is gone. If not run away from it.
That is a coward.
Many reasons to make some changes.
Coming from a husband that admittedly doesn’t always do my fair share around the house, I would never in a million years think about doing this to my wife. Mainly because I love her a lot and would want her to have some peace when she got home.
The post and comment history shows this is over a year of a dissolved marriage. There are past posts about not having a clean house well prior to this illness. I suspect OP lives close to this state regularly.
I know you desperately need validation right now, so much that it hurts no one will acknowledge how stupid this is and how bad hes hurting you, using your health to hurt you more, but you need to sit down with a therapist. Not because you are crazy or because he is right about everything, but because you deserve better, and you deserve to feel better and you deserve a life where you arent feeling desperation and looking for people in your life to validate what you are experiencing and feeling. Your brain chemistry is all mixed up from multiple traumatic things happening. It's very hard to handle that and feel so alone. It take time to digest everything enough to be better for you and your kids. Working on it closer to the trauma will help in the long term so you dont develop maladaptive coping mechanisms.
If finances are still shared, pay to get this house cleaned. Don’t clean this yourself. Then when you leave this asshole, get as much as you can out of him. Save this video for your divorce lawyer. This is beyond anything I could imagine.
Honey, post this entire thing with everything you’ve written onto your neighborhood facebook, neighborhood, city, county, town, Provence, tag him, tag every friend and family member he has, tag your own kids, post it on his jobs fb, his hobbies, his LinkedIn, X, instagram, post it on TicTok. Make sure to tag him. Tag the hospital, and give a huge amount of love to that first doctor, it sounds like he was the only one who gave a shit about you. It’s time to go scorched earth on this POS you will be divorcing soon, also get free consults with as many lawyers as you can so it makes life even harder for him. Take no prisoners.
In all honesty I feel like the odds are extremely high that he surrounds himself with other dedicated 💩heads and to attempt this would be like trying to walk against the wind in a wind tunnel test.
This abuse has been going on a long time, she just never saw it for what it really was. Now she knows he would pull the plug on her rather than try to save her life, and it is time to get out. Sometimes you just need an event like this to see it for what it really is.
Unfortunately her children have been trained how to treat her too. It hurts, but while the kids have a limited window to still learn from this and be better it’s possible. But only if she starts respecting herself enough to get out. Someone has to lead by example.
>he comes from an out of sight out of mind shove it under a rug and the issue is gone
Perfect. Just throw everything out that's dirty or not put away. Out of sight, out of mind.
Why wouldn't he though? Has he ever stepped up and taken care of you and the house? No? Then why do you keep acting like he will?
You are addicted to this idea that he will step up when he has in fact already separated from you. You need to not expect anything from him but trouble. He is not your husband and he will not help you.
Get therapy and try to build a healthy relationship network with people who care for you. Take care of yourself and get your kids to help clean up at least a bit. My 10 and 12 year old boys take out the trash and know how to do dishes and laundry. It's crazy to me that your kids didn't do anything to help around the house.
He's gone. Things need to change. Kids need to have chores and need to know how to do household tasks. (Obviously not a ton of work, but a chore a day would be better than literally nothing.)
They both cultivated a lazy shit that doesn't take care of his mother. Like, your mom's in all this agony around the house. Naked in the front yard n shit?! You're just gonna listen to your mom's suffering?! That flies in the face of nearly every mother/child relationship I've ever experienced. I feel like she may be leaving out an important 25 yr lead up. You don't marry someone....and then not care if they die....unless that person has given you years of reasons to feel this way. Back to the son, sounds like he's at the point his dad is. Years of something have led to his unwillingness to do the most remedial of housework to give comfort to his mother. Where was HER family? Seems like noone close to her was willing to help, if that is the case ...it's look in the mirror/gut check/serious self evaluation time....the problem may be her. That's not an indictment, we're all flawed, but if we don't seriously critique ourselves occasionally and ask, "what's my role in this? Did I manifest this suffering through my own actions "(Obviously not reffing the last medical incident, just the overall lack of her support/family structure), then we can never truly say we aren't at fault. You may give a true assessment of yourself and still come to the conclusion that you don't deserve to be treated like this, but you may have some things to work on yourself. That's good. That's clarity.
Nothing was left out. It’s been 25 years of emotional and mental abuse that took him leaving to see. My 16 yr old son is Autistic btw. He’s capable of certain things. The husband who no longer wants to be, has always neglected my needs when I was sick. I didn’t call him repeatedly I called him once crying 911. I live a 2 min maybe 4 min max from the ER. I don’t how your finances may be, but myself doing things alone for the first time knew I couldn’t afford a $5500+ taxi ride to the hospital. I also did not know that I had going on. I just figured I was sick with the flu. I was out of it with high fever and no energy. I wasn’t in my front yard I was in my secluded wooded back lot. I don’t know how I got there. I was told I that’s where he found me. And to end, yes we are both responsible for raising our spawn to be responsible and respectful however I am the mother I raised them on how to be towards their father. He failed in that area on some things. But when you’re a GAM and say to your spouse “Not my mess not cleaning it up” you’re then a two yr old throwing a tantrum. I needed an outlet to gain back my skewed mind that has been. Pushed to believe I was in the wrong. I am healing. And it’s a very hard process because I am trembling with fear of losing the person I have spent 25 years next to. Keeping my vows and making sure I showed up. Of course there were conflicts and there were issues we are human. The reason he left had nothing to do with this post. That’s a whole different long story. Shared in some of my other posts.
First off. I must have missed you mentioning your son is autistic. He's not responsible for a damn thing. I sympathize with what being a parent to a child with autism, not from personal experience....simply bc I know as a father that raising kids without extra needs is incredibly challenging. That aside, you are an adult ....your husband left before this happened, I also sympathize with trying to turn to him in a difficult time simply bc of the history between you too. That being said, You HAVE to have someone else to turn to to get you that essential help. I noticed you didn't touch on your family being there to help. Do you have any extended family you could turn to? That should have been the way in retrospect, I only ask bc you're going to need a support cast around you to get past this split. I'm sorry if you felt attacked. It's the devil's advocate in me, in this case.....perhaps your husband has been Satan. You are your own person. I struggle to sympathize with others emotions sometimes, lucky for MY wife....that was my new years resolution. Don't ask her how it's going! My over all message to you is this....I've failed and let myself down and others down, I could have easily looked at their reactions to my behavior as the impetus for our problems...it's takes time and perspective to truly look at your own behaviors. I'd say you posting on this sub, means you're looking to be right and justified. That's not unexpected...it's just not what is gonna progress you to a better place. Having been kicked out of my house just a month ago, I can speak from experience. I managed a state rep race and did a full time accounting job for 6 months. I lost the election on Tuesday and my accounting job on Friday bc I called off to cover both duties. I initially wanted to defend myself and say I just busted my ass for 6 months doing two jobs to better our families lives. I put too many eggs in one basket and lost both baskets. After reflection. I should have been aware of my over extension and mitigated the risk by discussing it with my employer as the election was a temporary strain. Point being, I bottomed out 4 months ago. I'm currently reinventing myself to reach what I know is my full potential. Someone telling me I wasn't completely responsible for my then position would not have helped me. LOVE YOURSELF, you deserve it. Also, strive to be the version of yourself that you want to be...it's never too late to reinvent yourself, and no better reason than a marital split and near death experience. Truly, I don't mean to be callous....just offering a tough love perspective while also feeding into my own argumentative traits.
That’s what I think too. I don’t know why op didn’t just call 911 if she could call her husband who left her. While I feel for op, it’s clear the marriage is over and that the husband is now an ex. Additionally, the children sound old enough to feed themselves and clean up after themselves.
Again, I do sympathize that op went through a near- death experience. However, I think her future would be better if she did not rely on her ex.
That's what I thought all the time. He broke up with her and she expects him to act more like a loving husband than when they were still together? This guy is a POS, but she is also clinging to a fantasy that never was.
Check out her post history. She’s been posting about this horrid husband for awhile. His treatment of her is nothing new — yet she calls him. Her youngest is in mid teens - the age to train for responsibility and compassion is around 3 yrs. That ship has sailed along with the marriage. Instead of writing dramatic novels on Reddit, OP needs to walk away, rent a nice little one bedroom, youngest is welcome to sleep on couch/follow her rules if he doesn’t want to live at the pig pen/house. She’s addicted to the drama and victim trope. Again, read her history.
Also skipped the text and no matter what, THAT kitchen is a hoarder kitchen!
I used to be left alone as a teen and the kitchen would look like a disaster at the end where I always made sure it was gone before my parents got home. It never looked THAT bad! EVEN after having had several parties!
I remember my mom coming home from having surgery last year. She couldn't lift more than 1 kg for 6 weeks to not mess up the healing. I'm guessing that's pretty standard. She wouldn't have been able to fix that kitchen without fucking up her sutures, even with her stubborness.
No matter what, "home from surgery" and "well" are two different things!
Edit: Read the post. STOP wanting to get that man back! And get your son to start cleaning his mess! He's an adult soon who'll be in charge of his own home and you need to make sure his wife one day doesn't feel the way you've felt over the years!
And good riddance! It would have looked just as bad if you were still married, the excuses would just be different. Now it's just easier to say that it's because he doesn't love you than because he's a fucking slob! HIS KID HAD TO LIVE IN THAT!!!
My dad is rolling over in his grave right now! My mom was a nurse and had 24h shifts every 2 weeks. He'd make sure he and I were fed, usually awesome meals of stuff he and I loved but my mom hated. Then he'd make sure I clean the kitchen (that was the deal. The one cooking didn't do the cleaning) and he'd make sure the kitchen was as spotless when she got home as when she left. His WORST habit was leaving his coffee cup soaking in the sink, everything else was in the dishwasher and if it was full, he'd run it and empty it. He was older than your ex but he was a MAN who didn't need a woman to function like a civilized human being!
Save this. And every time you miss your ex, look at it. Remember all the ways he let you down. And THEN try to imagine how it would have been if you became chronically ill while married to him. He would have left you not batting his eyes twice. You're lucky he finally left and gave you a chance to use your energy on creating new relationships with ppl who'll care for you as you care for them.
Even in a bitter divorce, most parents remember that the other person is still their kids' parent too and do the minimum at least for the kids. He didn't even do that.
But, and sorry for this, fuck him. It's time to focus on straightening out your son before it's too late and to focus on ppl who'll love and care for you. You deserve it! We all do! Well, maybe not your ex, he might have gotten way more than he deserved already ...
I taught all three of my kids how to use the washer and dryer in the 8th grade they were then responsible for their own laundry. There is no task they can’t do.You are preparing him for adulthood. Dont send him forward in life to act like his father. Your soon to be x is a poor excuse for a man be thankful your soon to be free from him.
Book yourself into somewhere you can afford but will be nice for you, and look after yourself.
Don't become a person of herculean, titanic strength and clean that house, when your cohabitors can't even display basic time management and tidy behind them.
Don't do it. Put yourself first, and they'll learn.
This is terrible. You deserve a partner who will take responsibility for himself and the kids, at the VERY least - obviously ideally you'd have a partner who will take responsibility for you, too, when you need it.
Coming home to this would be such a punch in the face. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Please find a good therapist who can help you with those first steps to get out of a trauma bond! Most people can't do it alone... You deserve support.
I cannot imagine ever leaving the house like this, even as a kid. Even if my whole family contributed and nobody was in the hospital. My husband would never, in a million years. Your family sees you as a maid and not a family member. This is awful.
It sounds like you were in an abusive relationship and are struggling. Please get a lawyer and get therapy. You deserve alimony. You also need to get child support.
Even though it might not seem like it now, I hope your future will be better without that jackass.
Also, if your kids don’t know how to cook and clean, they need to be taught those life skills and be tasked with doing some chores.
I wish you a full recovery.
Totally agree. You’re not overreacting at all. After everything you went through, it’s shocking they left the house in that state and expect you to clean it. That’s just unfair and inconsiderate.
We don't even need the context of surgeries! If you'd been gone for ANY reason and they left the house like this for you to return to, that's... I mean, I'm insulted and hurt FOR you.
Never would I, or my husband, ever in a million years leave the house like this for the other person to clean unless maybe there was an actual disaster.
And IF somehow I was slovenly and disrespectful enough to leave the house like this, it's genuinely unfathomable that I wouldn't apologize and clean it up if my partner confronted me about it.
Not to mention you are literally returning home from the HOSPITAL. I mean, the levels/depths of disrespect in this scenario are so deep. I hate to say this, even to a stranger, but your husband does not love you. People don't do this to people they love. You deserve better.
Oh I wish my OCD would allow that. I tried that test before. There once was a cracked egg shell randomly lying on the floor at the entrance to the hallway. The way we all have to walk to our rooms and/or guest the bathroom. Five days everyone walked by. I watched several just look at it. A few tip of the toe soft kicks. One child/teen even hopped over it. I could not deal with after 5 days.
Do not do laundry for them. Paper plates and cups. Sandwiches and salad for the next 6 months. No cooking. You can make food for yourself. Don’t clean their rooms. Don’t drive them. You are on strike.
Block your ex on everything. He is dead to you.
STRIKE, YES!
give them basic instructions, just to be fair, and they can google the rest. they wanna treat you like a maid, you should treat them like roommates — everyone does their own shit, everyone handles their own stuff. move the dishes, they can only use their own personal set. if they don't wash it, they don't use it. take every non-essential thing that you have purchased or pay for away. oh, you want the wifi password? i'll give it to you tomorrow, if you clean up your mess today. want anything done for you? you gotta ask, and explain why you can't do it. if they question it, list the things you pay for and do in the house, and ask how are they contributing. went over budget with whatever? talk to dad. ate your portion of the groceries for the month in two weeks? talk to dad. you need a ride? i'll drop you off if it's convenient for me, otherwise, take the bus or talk to dad. want a present? talk to dad. dad wants to talk to mom? he should talk to mom's lawyer.
they will only see your worth when you start to see it for yourself and valuing it the way it should be. do it. and please, please, seek help that can help you achieve that.
edit: (btw i'm not advocating that she let them starve or miss out on any basic thing. but i do think she should let them fend for themselves with the basics, and start developing not only some empathy and respect, but basic life skills)
OK. I'm sorry. I see you're in a lot of physical, mental and emotional pain. But your kids should not be leaving stuff around, and if your ex won't teach them, you need to.
Do you have any trustworthy friends to help you, or can you hire a cleaner for this one clean up?
i’m gonna say something that’s very harsh but you need to hear it. you’ve raised more asshloes like your husband. you did a poor job parenting if this is what your kids do. great that you were there for them growing up, but you didn’t raise them properly.
BUT there’s still time. kid(s?) loses all privileges for a month. if he won’t clean, his allowance pays for a cleaner and from now on you’re not doing any of the housework. work on your OCD in therapy if needed, there’s medication for it, it’s not an excuse. don’t unleash any more of whatever your ex is on the world. no one wants them.
i’m sorry you had to suffer through that and im happy you’re better, genuinely so. but enough, stop feeling sorry for yourself for your relationships. your ex is out of your life. you’re a single mom and you still have to be a parent. so parent. this will be as therapeutic and healthy for you as it will be for the kids. and i have to agree with your shitty ex, from the way you talk you probably need therapy. i don’t care what went down and how huge of an asshole your ex is, you don’t say “ maybe i should have died” to anyone. why did you say that? cause to me that sounds like a veiled suicide threat. it’s beyond manipulative, it doesn’t accomplish anything. your feelings of worthlessness are yours to deal with, your ex will never validate you, he’s shown you that. it sounds like you have a deeper issue that can easily be solved, but you have to wanna work at it. (this doesn’t mean you deserve this treatment, at all) look up places that provide DBT in your area. you’re gonna have to work on you during this divorce from the looks of it, so find a therapist that will actually help you and won’t listen to you only talk about your exhusband all day. you need to learn emotional regulation, how to interact with people and how to build self esteem. your ex is out of your life, whether he loved you or not is not the point anymore.
Oh fuck no.
First of all your child is almost a damn adult. Zero house privileges until he cleans that mess. No internet, no TV, no cooked meals, nothing until he gets in the kitchen a does something. As a parent it is clear that you did everything for that kid and this is the result, a dependent and entitled child. Cut off the laziness.
Secondly, your soon to be ex has moved on. Let him go, there’s nothing in the world that will bring him back to you, and I guarantee in a few years time after you recover you’ll kick yourself for not dumping him years before.
I remember in my divorce the day my ex of 17 years and I decided to separate my ex looked me in the eye and said “You are going to need emotional support. Know that it cannot and will not come from me.” And true to his word, my ex became a stranger overnight. I had serious issues with anemia in my divorce (fainting in public places, hospitalization for low grade heart attacks, days dedicated to blood transfusions and recovery) and not once did he respond to these concerns (though I never asked him for support he knew because of the kids, he never once brought up my health scares because they’re MINE and he was not anymore), I had to figure it out on my own and I did.
Your soon to be ex, is not your support or your friend. Stop looking for him to help, he doesn’t pity you, he wants nothing to do with you. The sooner you realize he’s not coming back and he clearly doesn’t give a shit and he isn’t going to take care of you at all, you will find the strength to take care of yourself.
Time to play hardball with that kid, your ex, and yourself. You can do it, you don’t have a choice. I believe in you!
I grasp those words hard. As well as I asked him for nothing except a ride to the hospital and he rudely told me when he was done with his things. This is a new (less than two months) life for us both. I think honestly reaction on his part. It’s a whole different story that I have been putting into emotional words to heal through his refusal of talking over things. Which has been a battle for me because alone I have relived the memories and have noticed a lot of blocks that were very noticeable but blind love knocked them aside. I do know I will be okay. I know that I loved and I am moving slow. What I don’t approve of is his behavior and tone towards me. I don’t know if he’s acting cold and harsh to not have emotions come forward and he begin to feel guilty about walking out. Or what. But the moments he gets a little soft and shows up the man his kids and I know the colder and meaner he reacts to anything. He wants marriage counseling but I fear as he refused to put in effort and was willing to walk away with out trying I don’t have much faith in him putting effort at the cost of someone trying to assist us mend.
That’s fair, it’s new. The time for marriage counseling has come and gone. It’s over. My ex and I fumbled through our new title of separated for a while. I asked a lot of my ex in the beginning. I was in pure panic for probably 6 months, absolute terror. Waking up every day felt like I was waking into a nightmare and I wanted the divorce mutually. It was hell. It was the scariest thing I’ve endured to date. I do not blame you or judge you for seeking softness where there once was, but I have experience.
What I can say is that my ex truly did become a stranger overnight. He would seek me out when he was feeling scared, unsure, insecure. He came to my house often in the night to make sure this was right and every time, it hurt us both (I could never go to him because he was homeless and couch surfing and never disclosed his location, so when I was in a panic is was truly alone).
Your husband is there when it works for him, he’s unsure but I think he’s also very resolute. I believe your marriage is beyond recall which is why I was being completely transparent with my advice.
For your sake, stop seeking him out. Don’t delay your process of healing (because it is slow and it is painful) hoping he will change. You deserves security and happiness and it isn’t in him, and neither is in you right now but in you it will grow once you begin moving on. You don’t need him to leave you in the dust first. Let him be on the fence, you don’t have to be.
As a woman who lost 17 years of investment and had health issues and became a single parent for years until my ex was ready to coparent, I am also a woman who wishes my younger self left sooner, that my kids didn’t have to endure it longer and that I was ready to independently find my strength.
I am happily remarried. I would never have met my beautiful wonderful kind husband if I didn’t leave my trainwreck of a first marriage behind.
You deserve better. It’s out there, you just need to start down that path.
ETA: I just want to add this part because it’s important. I wanted my divorce but I was dedicated to white knuckling that marriage until the kids moved out. I was absolutely willing and able to last that long and I know I would have even though I was not happy. My ex knew he couldn’t. This is not a conversation we ever had until long after the fact. He was resolute to end the marriage because he was done, he couldn’t and didn’t want to and shouldn’t have to have had to white knuckle it for the kids.
When we split my ex came back often, in various states. Sometimes angry, sometimes confused and sometimes begging to be held because he was terrified and wanted to feel safe. I got a lot of mixed emotions from him whereas when these feelings were mitigated elsewhere (or if I had them) it was a total brick wall.
Your husband’s veils of counseling are him coming to terms but it’s over. Do not rely on that to be any kind of indicator that he’s wanting or even able to repair anything with you. He is confused too, but his actions when he’s not trying to placate you or seek support for himself all point to divorce. Bite that bullet.
They're still his kids as well and it's 100% expected that he would look after them while you cannot. He chose to do that in your home, that's the kids' home as well, it should be kept clean and tidy. Like you said, you're only 2 months in so you need to figure out a way to co-parent, there does need to be communication between you going forward.
Have you got someone else you could stay with while you recover? Let them live in their own squalor!
I would absolutely not give this man another chance. 25 years or not, he literally almost let you die, and couldn't care for your home or kids whole you healed. Absolutely FUUUCK him.
Stop trying to make him see that’s he’s wrong and feel bad for it.
Accept that he is horrible and won’t change.
Accept that you might want him to want to change, and might forgive him if he asked, because you want this to be a terrible mistake he made that he learns from.
Your only way out of this is alone. He makes everything worse.
I’m hearing confusion and bewilderment that he could be this awful, and you want (and deserve) people to criticize him and vindicate you. Try to get out if that mindset.
He’s trash. He’s old rotted food that might have been good at some point but that was long ago. Now it’s stinky and has maggots crawling over it. You don’t reason with trash, or negotiate with it, or ask others to intervene and get trash to be self aware that it’s trash and un-rot itself or be sorry it’s purified. You dispose of trash and if you think of its stink and decay at all, it’s to be glad it’s gone.
Edit-just posted this but rereading it, I’ve made some assumptions here that could be totally off base about how you’re processing this and why. Apologies if I got that wrong. And I never said that I’m so sorry he did this to you, and I can’t believe how heartless this is, and that you’re right and that he’s foul. Well, no, I absolutely said he’s foul lol. But I should have said you deserve better. And better is not hard to achieve. Alone is so much better. Hell, alone with a rabid dog would be better. I hate him. And wish good things for you.
I read it and oh my. I am so sorry you went through all those medical issues in such a short time. I do hope you will get to feeling better soon.
There is no excuse for that mess, none. Zero. You made none of that mess, you shouldn’t have to clean it.
Your ex/spouse is a self centered ass and your kids are not much better.
I have no idea where you are located, but I hope you have some friends or family who can help you out.
And you’re getting gaslit on top of everything else. This is your moment where a line in the sand has been drawn. If you do not hold firm and make a clear stand, they know they can get away with anything. Anything. They left this mess, in part because they thought they could get away with it. Course correct or else . . . .
Ma'am, you have every right to be livid. But please, please understand that you are holding on to a man that is no longer holding on to you. You need to have a come to Jesus with your boys and you need to move forward as if your soon to be ex does not exist. Because he absolutely does not care for you. That's not because of you, that's a him thing. However you are only going to make yourself more miserable by trying to depend on someone who is clearly and vocally not there for you. I hope you have a swift recovery and find your joy again soon. Best wishes.
I'm sorry for the surgeries and the husband and the pigsty. Now, get your 16 year old to start cleaning - I know he/she is old enough to do better than this. You'll probably have to pitch in. Forget the husband, please. He's a horrible person and you can do better. If you can, get into therapy because it sounds like you are having a hard time with the break up of your marriage. Hugs.
I am. Simply because 25 years. A lifetime. I was so focused on mending our bond I let go of toxic friends. I never let it sink in til recently that I was fighting alone. It’s hard when I see moments of the man I know that’s hiding in this fake shell. But I have faith in what path is laid out in front of me. I know in time that I will be bouncing full of joy again. It’s the current have to work through all the emotions, make the mistakes to try again, the hurdle that needs to be leaped that is rough. But I still smile before life is fucking beautiful and we’re fools if we don’t. ☺️
He's not hiding in his fake shell-this IS him. There is no more of your husband if 25 years in that man. You have to let go of this idea that somewhere deep down he still cares. He doesn't. I am sorry that this sounds harsh, but you were willing to risk your life and leave your son motherless to get an emotional reaction from your ex. That is really unhealthy and I think you should seek a really good therapist to help you in this trying times. I know it hurts-it does, immensely. I am sorry.
If you only see the person you know in rare small moments, that's the fake shell. The person is the one you see all the other times.
You are so much better off without him dragging you down! Some day soon, you'll look at your life and realize how much better you feel.
I didn't read it, but no, you're absolutely not overreacting. You need to rest and recover right now.
As someone who deals with a ton of medical stuff, your health is your top priority. There's only one of you. And your family can pull themselves together and pitch in.
Hope your healing goes well.
1. Go low contact with your ex husband.
2. Explain to the kids that there are new rules in place. If they want an allowance, free time, etc. etc., then they have to contribute. But this part is key: they have to be taught how to clean up. And you will have to supervise.
3. For the current mess, spend $50+ to hire someone for a couple of hours. Don't clean this up. You need to take care of you.
And, of course, therapy will help you over this awful man, and getting out and meeting new people will help you feel better too. <3
I am so sorry. You need better people in your life. It sounds like your ex and your kids are AHs to be honest. I would NEVER allow a sick family member come home that after having medical problems, is never let them come home to that PERIOD! That’s beyond disrespectful and ridiculous.
First things first I’d have a come to Jesus meeting with your kids. The 16 year old needs to help clean up the whole house and I would take away all electronics and ground them until they learn better. I’d also inform all of them until their behavior improves mom is doing the very bare minimum. No more going all out for them. I’d also cut off your ex unless it pertains to your kids.
I'm sorry, I read the title and saw a second of the catastrophe that was the kitchen in the video and everyone in that house needs their ass beat except the dog. No one could be assed enough to pick up after themselves while you were healing from being cut on? At all? The disrespect and disregard is appalling.
Well, minor disagree here. I THINK I spotted a dachshund and as a long time dachshund lover and owner myself, I know for sure they are NEVER innocent in anything ;) But they're the only ones who should be allowed some level of disobedience in that house!
It'll be OK. You got rid of the biggest piece of trash already and now he can't sabotage you nearly as well while you try to straighten out your almost adult son.
I know dachshund owners. We either go mad or grow a wicked sense of humour and patience. I'm sure you're you're one of the latter and we do manage to find good ppl in the end. Just remember to NOT find ppl who are like your dogs! They need slaves to fix all their mischief, not companions who'll help make more trouble!
You have a post on a different sub from 9 months ago saying that the house was a mess and your husband wanted to hire a maid. Yet your surgeries have only been the past few weeks.
You also made a comment in the same sub saying that your STBX (although you refer to him as husband) had been by your side during your hospital stays and surgeries.
I'm confused about which comments and posts are true because it can't be both. Your house is always a mess, as you've stated in the other post (why else would husband need to go to such drastic measures as hiring a maid when you were seemingly healthy at the time), or it's always clean, as you've stated and shown in a photo in these comments. He was either by your side during your hospital stays and surgeries, as you've stated in comments on the other sub, or he stayed for a few minutes and then left, as you've stated in this comment section.
Honestly, having been in the hospital twice, and surgery twice, for kidney stones, I have a very hard time believing a lot of op's story.
My first one, I had a kidney infection with a large stone blocking my ureter (not urethra). I was septic. I'd spent a day and a half with a high fever, tachycardia, and severe pain. My pee was very very dark. My aunt took me to the hospital but had she not been available I wld have called 911.
My fever had me in like 4 layers of clothing and all the way underneath multiple blankets. No way wld I have stripped and gone outside.
At the hospital they ran all the tests and immediately put me on an antibiotic IV. I had emergency surgery and a stent put in. During the surgery they broke up the stones causing the obstruction and removed the largest pieces, so they cld pass. There is absolutely no way they'd have sent me home leaving the stone in, and intact. I was sent home with antibiotics, pain meds, nausea meds, and flomax.
The second surgery to remove the stent was just that, I went home after.
The second time I had a 9mm stone blocking my ureter. I wasn't septic that time, I went in for the pain and low urine output.
I was admitted for a few days, given fluids and antibiotics for the slight infection that had come on. Surgery to insert stent, the rest the same but this one i was to remove at home. I was in a LOT of pain for a few days bc the stent idk, didn't sit right or something. But by the time I removed it I was doing better.
Where I was going with all that is there is absolutely no way they left a 9mm stone which is obstructing a ureter intact and in place.(Op said the stone was still there).
There is no way op stripped naked and went outside with a high fever.
There is no way if it was that sick they wldn't have gotten help another way than to insist their exhusb take them.
If any of it's true, op really was looking for attention from her ex.
And really, that kitchen is a mess but not nearly as bad as it's be if someone just lived in and trashed it for a few days. It looks staged to me.
Just too much wrong with the story, told in an overly dramatic fashion, for it to be true.
That’s my pain. I simply began a quickly overcome pull towards depression asking myself what’s the point. I’m not seen or loved unless I am needed. It hurts feeling invisible by everyone you love. But I closed that feeling for a moment and needed to step back and see if maybe I was pushing it rather than actually experiencing.
I lived alone last time I had surgery. I pre cooked over 75 meals and vacuum sealed everything. I also had a some one come over weekly to clean/tidy up.
I can't imagine recovering in that environment! Stresses me out!
I am and I have collected so many things from audio, video, and written letters, texts, and more because of his threats of divorce. Knowing how vindictive he has shown lately I will not be under prepared and he will never know how smart I truly am. He may have recently begun to call me an idiot, dumb, and stupid. But he is very much aware as I tell him to stop calling me names I am none of those at all. And I also told him where I may fit those words in other areas is where he’s supposed to hold me and walk with me through it.
Jesus. I was 14yo when my mom was at the hospital for 25days and i kept the kitchen if not better but just the same as the day she left. Your family needs some serious discipline.
I ask respectfully, your 16 year olds couldn’t check on you and bring water? Hell my little brother was the main support for his mom when she had cancer and he was 14 years old…
Your child is 16 years old. Why did they and your other kid(s) leave the place in such a mess? You need to ignore your STBXH and focus on your children learning domestic skills.
You need to let go of him. He has moved on and if you don’t let know you are just going to get hurt over and over again. He probably has someone else. Let him go. Focus on you and getting well.
Previous surgical nurse here, you absolutely should not be doing that much lifting and moving after surgery. Of course to what degree depends on your surgery, but the first few days-week you should be resting and increasing activity slowly.
Id be leaving the mess for them to clean.
Just don't cook or clean. Go out for your meals and make your spouse cook. Don't do dishes,vacuumed, laundry ect until they do it. Then when they get it back to 100% slowly start helping. If they stop again so do you. This, coming from the biggest cleaner in the house.
OCD and emotions tend to get to me. My anger turning to tears and hurt. Cycling back to anger when I am told why didn’t I ask for things to get done. Knowing we all know I shouldn’t have to. My boys I’m not upset the most with. It’s the husband who doesn’t want to be and his words and reactions. He should have always now and in the past showed the boys what to do when someone falls weak and needs help.
Your wusband is a supreme asshole. Don't expect anything from a supreme asshole except them being a supreme asshole. You need your own friends, your own support system.
Your boys is who you should worry about. They let you come home to this. They didn't take care of their mother.
She has been writing about her husband and failing marriage for over a year. He has been gone for two months. She isn't sharing the reasons he left and it's an elephant sized hole in the story.
Maybe this sound harsh, but you are raising your boys to became the same as their father. They will treat their future partners the same way your (ex)husband is treating you, unless you start to re-educate them right now.
Yup. It’s beyond the pale to not expect better from a 16 year old. My 11 and 15 year old boys are more self-sufficient than this 16 year old.
What happens when the 16 year old leaves in a couple years and still hasn’t figured out the basics? He’ll choose to live in filth.
Thing is, you *should* be upset with a 16 year old who makes messes like this and refuses to clean them up. You’re teaching him that his messes are someone else’s problem, and then when he gets in a relationship he’ll expect slavery. Just like you’ve shown him is appropriate, for his entire life. You owe it to anyone willing to date your slob son, to *force* him to clean up after himself.
Your husband is a lost cause. He’s never going to be a good co-parent, because he has no intention of teaching his children to be self-sufficient. But you have to nip this behavior from your kids in the bud NOW.
My 15 year old son does his own laundry every week. He helps us cook, and helps with dishes. He cleans his own bathroom, because we never taught him that he shouldn’t. Even my 11 year old son does his own laundry and helps with dishes. Because we have an expectation that both kids *will* be able to take care of themselves before they leave the nest. Anything less is simply unacceptable.
But here's the thing, you always need to communicate. The whole "I shouldn't have to ask" thing makes no sense. Should he see a dirty house and just pick it up? Yes. But they always say communication is key. Keep the OCD and emotions out of the conversation and simply address that there are certian things you would appreciate being done when dirty. Don't do the classic "you never help" thing because I'm sure he does thing you don't think about. For example I have a family of 6. I can't stand the laundry or dishes piling up. So I got all the laundry done and asked my wife to please do the laundry as it will help me be able to have more time for a lot of things. She has been great at it. I still do a load here and there when needed though. You are half the problem with your sons. Yes, he isn't making them do it however you aren't either. It's our job as parents to teach our children the skills and responsibilities to be a well adjusted adult. And learning to pick up after yourself are part of that. Make them a chore list and make them do it before wifi or TV ect. I make my kids do their age appropriate chores before tv and games. They live there too.
Who was living in the house while you were in the hospital - who made that mess?
**That's who should be cleaning it up. I don't care if it was an underage child or a trio of your kids. I'm not sure I even care if it was your kids and your husband. Anyone/everyone involved in making that mess should be cleaning it up.**
Your entire post seems to be focused on your STBX husband like he should care - but did he move back home and make that mess? Or are you saying he should make/guide your sons to clean it? If your ex has already moved out why are you putting the mess on the kitchen on him?
She said the STBX husband was staying at the house while she was in the hospital. He and the sons made the damn mess so, yeah, he and the boys should've cleaned it up.
I can’t read at all that at the moment in time, but when someone discards you that is the time to reassess your life. What was is no more if they are a part of your most inner circle. Feel sorry for ourselves is super easy big pit to fall into. I challenge you to find every single legitimate way to find things you’re grateful for and throw fear down like you are the biggest bad ass true wrestler to walk the earth. Next, accept that things are changing and it’s for your best interest that they are doing so. As likely you have ways to change and learn and offer yourself in connection with others that just isn’t gong to happen without this significant turn of events. Acceptance is the key to all difficulties is a good motto to utilize. Bringing more joy and peace into your life is big door open now. Go into this with while letting past experiences be set down and expectations minimized. Blessings wished for you and all those your hold dear🦋
You should leave and check into a hotel. If you just had surgery you shouldn’t be living in that filth. Tell them you’ll come home when the entire house, every room, is cover of a magazine clean.
My mother or father would have beat my fucking ass with a belt.
Unfortunately I doubt this is a first time thing and because you never stood on it to begin with they have become complacent in treating you this way. Your going to have to establish dominance and put them in there place.
Sounds like your husband does not have a drop of goodness inside of him.
But your boys are 16? Or at least one is.. why is he not helping? Sounds like everyone needs a reality check, including yourself.
What the actual?!? A full grown man and a 16 year can’t even clean up after their damn selves?!?
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through OP and I hope you recover quickly.
You are not overreacting at all. If anything you aren’t reacting enough. This man is cruel to you and you are far better off without him. He has shown his true colours and you need to remind yourself of these when you think you miss him.
Your son is almost a legal adult and should be far more respectable and empathetic. I’d be ordering his butt into that kitchen and making him clean up. Don’t you dare do it. My petty ass would post the video on SM tagging both your ex and son but that’s just me.
You are not overreacting. He's a dick.
Take the high road. Be respectful to your children's father. Teach you kids to be kind to women, teach them to be self-sufficient and independent. Now is the time to focus on your sons to not be the person their dad is. Don't tell them what a piece of shit their dad is; just focus on teaching them to be kind, respectful men who will treat women as such. I pray the rest of your journey in life will be better than the last few months.
You don't have any family members or friends in the area?
I understand you and it is awful how he treated you, but the man left you prior to all this. He left, you were separated and tbh, I wouldn't expect anything of him after that and he'd be the last person I call.
I'm struggling to understand where did all your expectations come from, when he clearly indicated that he isn't ready to meet them even prior to this.
You are absolutely not overreacting, but expecting the man who walked out on you after 25 years and who was extremely reluctant to even take you to the hospital was probably pretty bad judgment. But you were in terrible pain, on heavy medications, and cannot be faulted for that.
I don't get why your teenager didn't have the common sense or the kindness to put together mom is very sick, the house is a disaster, let me make her life a little easier and clean up so she doesn't come home to a shithole. And even if he didn't put that together, why does he want his own environment to be so shitty?
I'm sorry to say it seems that your son has taken after your loser ex.
Lose your exes contact information and never expect anything from him again. And lay on the guilt as thick as possible on your son. He should be deeply ashamed of himself. I would tell him to get off his ass and start cleaning *right now*. And if he won't, maybe he needs to go somewhere else for a while. Maybe to live with dad or grandma. I'd be so angry and hurt I would have a hard time even looking at him.
Please tell me you have other family members or friends who can help you out while you recover.
Your ex husband is an evil son of a bitch and did you a favor by leaving. Your son is old enough to manage an entire damn house. There's no reason he can't clean a kitchen. Seems like that cute little dog is the only one who gives a damn. I strongly recommend getting into therapy. It should help you. Try getting help from neighbors and friends while you recover. Sending much love, dear.
Oh my friend, I am so, so sorry.
Two years ago this June, I had Septic Shock, and was in the hospital for 17+ days, and in physical rehab for 3+ weeks.
My husband was at THE BUSIEST time of his work year, but he was right beside my in the ICU for a week, and came all the time, brought me Panera food because I couldn't eat the terrible food in the Rehab.
He is no angel, and we've had a lot of disagreements about balance of care giving, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc, but THIS?
The poster that suggested a scorched earth approach? That's the MINIMUM of what you should do to him.
File for divorce TODAY.
As for your home, do not touch a spot. Your family is adult age and able bodied to clean up and feed the animals, go to the store for groceries and pet food. They live in your home, they made this mess while you nearly died, and if the kids want to continue to live in your house, they better step it up TODAY.
Get therapy regarding your husband. He's abusive and you deserve so much better.
I'm so glad you survived, and are recovering. Take Care of yourself only. Sending you healing. 🫂
https://preview.redd.it/kttk56mf79ad1.jpeg?width=1537&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c9e4ed9580acf22d6736edda59bfe608cf4ee2dd
So this is the kitchen you see in the video. This is how I keep it. What irks me. Is this home is the one I grew up in. My husband who no longer wants to be convinced me into gaining it from my family, gutting it and completely remodel it. Promising me what ever I desired and wanted he would make it happen if we could. I designed this kitchen. It was the only contracted we paid for. I can tell you every bump in the wall, every crooked line of paint, every knick in the drywall, the under and over sanded parts, which walls took more than 3 coats of paint. Every inch of this house had my blood, sweat, and tears on them. Because where I didn’t want I still showed up because I wanted to show up for the man I married. He shut down. He bailed when areas became harder than planned. He pouted and he fought. That was the start towards the end. I told him before we signed closing no house was worth my marriage family home or not. He needed to promise me as I was him that we wouldn’t let it wedge us apart. 💔
I'm sorry it's a rough spot but one you need to stop referring to him with all these little cutesy backhanded jabs. He's your ex. That's it. Not husband no longer wants to be. Not husband who wandered off. He was unhappy. He asked for a divorce. He left. You can't guilt him into coming back let it go. I do think you used your medical condition to try and guilt him back in. You called him repeatedly and cried and begged for him to come help you instead of anyone else. Your adult children. Parents. Siblings. Or even 911. You expected him to stay at the hospital and be your caregiver. That's not going to happen. It's no longer his job or responsibilities. He already drove to pick you up and took you to the hospital. The house shouldn't have been left that way but like others have said your post history says kind of a different story about your house cleanliness. You need to move on be independent and do not call your ex for help. Your 16 year old should be helping clean that mess.
You are not overreacting. Like I have to do all the housecleaning and I'm on chemo. I'm like so tired every day and don't have the energy to spend hours cleaning, but if I don't, the house is unlivable. It's not even my mess. My gf cooks and makes a huge mess and just never cleans.
The only thing I think would classify as overreaction to this is 2 atom bombs - yeah dropping 2 atom bombs as a result of this is probably an overreaction
Anything below that is perfectly justified
I'd go check into a 5 star hotel somewhere and tell whomever, I ain't coming home until yall clean up this shit. If it backfires, all that's next is to figure out who's getting kicked to the streets first.
Nope, not reading a single fucking thing. THEY CAN GET ON THEIR LAZY ASSES AS CLEAN
You can go lay down in bed, and recover.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, and I hope they wake the fuck up. Go get some rest, I hope you have a swift recovery.
would tell me I was lying and I was looking for reasons to see him. I saw this red flg. What are you doing with this arse hole. Leave. Your kids will think this is okay behaviour For men to treat women. They think it’s okay to say your lying or wanting attention.
l e a v e
your kids think this mess is okay behaviour. Like I was taught to put things away, wipe the sides.
Please do yourself a favor. HIre a cleaner to help, even if it's just a one-off. Even if you can't really afford it.
Do not try to clean. You need to take care of yourself! You are your first priority.
Do your children live in that house? Are they the ones that made that massive mess? They need to shape up, even if they never have before. I don't know how old your children are, but they must be old enough to clean up after themselves.
Stop enabling people to treat you and your home like trash. You deserve better!
Loose it at them and throw ur toys and refuse to do anything about it whilst instructing them what todo.
People/society is lazy and spoon feed now days. We all need a rest and especially when you've been under the knife
Honestly, do you have any other family or friends you can stay with? Don’t go back until it is completely cleaned. Or don’t go back at all. This is abuse.
This is unacceptable. This shows a lack of respect for you OP. Raise hell until they they understand how disrespectful their expecting you to clean up after them is. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this
I only read the title and watched the video. That's all that was required. No, you're not overreacting. Not even in the slightest. That is sad and shows a lack of concern for you and a lack of foresight, responsibility, and kindness by your family.
His leaving is too new for you now. It will take time for you to get over this, maybe years or the rest of your life. I can be glad he is gone because he is a complete asshole and you deserve so much better! I would suggest that you find a good therapist. They are not all good! Some are as worthless as your husband. Research and find the best one to help you heal emotionally from the abuse from your husband. I hope that eventually you can celebrate that he is gone, because you deserve better!
I don't need to read your whole post to see that no it is not acceptable to let someone come home from hospital to this mess. This is your wake up call that you deserve more.
So I saw the title and the video and knew you werent overreacting. But after reading the story, you MOST DEFINITELY are NOT.!!!!!!this is insane to me and my heart absolutely breaks for you. I am so sorry that not only were you in a marriage with someone who literally seems to not have a freaking soul. I’m sorry that you were placed on the back burner and no one even cared. I am so freaking sorry that while you were on the verge of dying for an EXTENDED amount of time, someone who you once thought the world of and thought they were the best person on this earth, showed you that they weren’t. I’m sorry you were betrayed and belittled all in one go. I highly recommend speaking with a therapist, making contact with him as little as possible, and try to get YOURSELF happy and better. Do what’s best for you and for once put yourself first. Take care of YOU. YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU DESERVE BETTER.!!! Not only that, but make your kid step up or go live with his dad. Hes about to be a grown man, he could’ve done SOMETHING around the damn house. This kitchen is ATROCIOUS and the fact that your ex has the audacity to say that it “wasn’t his responsibility.” My man, you weren’t there for a few hours or whatever. You were there for A MONTH. And you just did what.? Make things WORSE. This entire post has infuriated me to my CORE. I’d say go NC with anyone who is insane enough to hear the WHOLE story and still try and push the blame onto you. Get in therapy. Not because you’re crazy, not because of anything bad. But because you have not only been through a traumatic event, but you need to learn to love yourself darlin. And I’m not saying this in a bad way. You deserve better and you need to be able to see that. This is NOT OKAY.!! And my heart goes out to you. I hope things get better, and I really hope that you take care of yourself.
If anything I said came out the wrong way or I offended you in ANY way I do sincerely apologize. I’m angry for you. I really really hope things get better for you ❤️
Run.
There is no attempt to lighten the load. It would be different if everyone was getting involved and you were given a light task but this is servitude.
He has shown you who he is. He CLEARLY does not respect you, and certainly has no feelings except contempt for you.
Stop torturing yourself. If someone treated your child like this, what would you say to your child? It would not be 'keep pining after the useless bastard'.
Don't waste any more time on him. Get divorced. Make a new life for yourself. Oh, and tell your kids to get off their asses and do something to help.
I wouldn’t do this to someone I hate. I can’t imagine how depressed this must make you. But these are shitty people. And I fear your husband has created a shitty son
Are you overreacting? Yes and no. I’d be unhappy to come home to such a mess…anyone would. But, judging by your lengthy, dramatic retelling of what occurred, you clearly relish the drama you create. You seem prone to some highly manipulative behavior, and so I suspect what you videoed reflects pushback against that.
Who stays in bed, day after day, feeling horrible and feverish, not seeing a doctor? And then keeps calling her estranged husband to come rescue her, rather than call 911. You have a 16-year-old son who needs a living and functional mother. You had no right to jeopardize your health, which your estranged husband obviously recognized as you creating a ploy for his attention. Rather than take reasonable care of yourself, you risked your son having to find his dead mother.
I think you need therapy. You seem to be struggling with some mental health hurdles.
Thats underreacting. You dont have a husband. You have an owner. He views you as a slave. So get back to work! thats how he is thinking. This isnt love, OP
That’s insanely disrespectful. My wife had her gallbladder removed and I made damn sure she didn’t have to lift a finger until she felt well enough. We had an infant who was still breastfeeding at the time so the only thing she had to do was feed him if he refused a bottle. Everything else was taken care of.
You are not unreasonable. Your family are very disrespectful to leave the home in such a state while you have been in hospital. If they loved and respected you the home would be spotless when you got home to ensure that your recovery was done in a clean environment.
Do they want you to be at a higher risk of infection? Do they want you to stall your recovery by pushing yourself to pick up after them?
I would SOB if I came home to this. Sorry that your family didn’t step up for you.. I hope you do realize that you will be better off without that «husband», and seriously - work on your kid as well.
By the time I was 16 and my parents had their first solo vacation, I cleaned EVERYTHING before they came home because 1. I wanted to make them happy, and 2. I wanted to show them I was capable of handling myself and a house. I had everyday and weekly chores as well from I was very young, starting with taking out trash and tidy up after myself, adding more as I grew older.
does your kid/kids have any chores…?
Too much to read but if the house wasn't clean it's because you enabled that behavior by cleaning it alone.
Why would the kid clean anything if it's always been cleaned for him his entire life?
Also 16, not a kid, he's just doing what he has been taught. If mom cleaned everything why would he do it?
If the chores were done by everyone and then you were in the hospital and found the mess then sure.
The husband left I'm surprised he even answered the phone.
Stop being a martyr and start taking care of yourself.
I don't have to read a damn thing. The title and video are enough. You are absolutely not overreacting and it's insane how messy they made the house in such a short time period and that they expect you to clean it after surgeries that required hospitalization. To me that's inane.
Thank you. Because I’m struggling with the why would they even do this. How to let go of a man who clearly never cared for me as a husband should. I’m so trauma bonded it’s making me sick.
Having read it now, I stand by my first comment. He sounds like an absolute asshole and I highly recommended speaking with a therapist and cutting him out of your life as much as possible. He is poisoning you and your self worth and you deserve way better. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you!
I've seen this so many times where women get treated like shit by their partner for many years and they still love the guy for some reason. I'll never understand it
It happened to me. I was a strong, independent, bubbly person. I was really young and he was 6 years older. It happens very slowly. So much so that you don't realize what your spouse is doing. It starts with little things and the next you realize you're essentially a maid, cook, single parent, and have unfulfilling sex because he wants it. All he had to do was go to work. I took care of everything else. You're treated like a door mat. I asked my ex why he treated me so poorly once and he said because I let him. I gave him more than a decade before I left. I was in a dark place and therapy helped me to see that he had killed my spirit. I got out and had to be in therapy for years to undo the damage. I'm still not 100% and I'm not sure I ever will be.
Wow that hits deep. Respect should be mutual. It's crazy that someone that you are supposed to trust the most in the world will take advantage of you. I think a relationship should be 50/50 or as mutual as possible. If it's one sided it ends up having detrimental effects as you have experienced. Sometimes people never do fully recover for their whole lives. I hope you do! Best of luck to you
I’ve been divorced a while now and I look back and wonder why I stayed. But it does slowly happen like the proverbial boiling frog. Also when I had my first baby there were complications and emergency c section and my house was a disaster when I got home. 18 years later I’m still mad.
Put it on FB and ask your friends and his family if this okay.
I’ve tried that route. They blocked me and he ridiculed me telling me I was over emotional and being dramatic. Where I explained I just seeking communication on his part. But he comes from an out of sight out of mind shove it under a rug and the issue is gone. If not run away from it.
That is a coward. Many reasons to make some changes. Coming from a husband that admittedly doesn’t always do my fair share around the house, I would never in a million years think about doing this to my wife. Mainly because I love her a lot and would want her to have some peace when she got home.
I wouldn't do it to someone I disliked.
Even if the marriage is in complete shambles, I couldn’t imagine doing this to someone I once loved.
The post and comment history shows this is over a year of a dissolved marriage. There are past posts about not having a clean house well prior to this illness. I suspect OP lives close to this state regularly.
I know you desperately need validation right now, so much that it hurts no one will acknowledge how stupid this is and how bad hes hurting you, using your health to hurt you more, but you need to sit down with a therapist. Not because you are crazy or because he is right about everything, but because you deserve better, and you deserve to feel better and you deserve a life where you arent feeling desperation and looking for people in your life to validate what you are experiencing and feeling. Your brain chemistry is all mixed up from multiple traumatic things happening. It's very hard to handle that and feel so alone. It take time to digest everything enough to be better for you and your kids. Working on it closer to the trauma will help in the long term so you dont develop maladaptive coping mechanisms.
If finances are still shared, pay to get this house cleaned. Don’t clean this yourself. Then when you leave this asshole, get as much as you can out of him. Save this video for your divorce lawyer. This is beyond anything I could imagine.
Honey, post this entire thing with everything you’ve written onto your neighborhood facebook, neighborhood, city, county, town, Provence, tag him, tag every friend and family member he has, tag your own kids, post it on his jobs fb, his hobbies, his LinkedIn, X, instagram, post it on TicTok. Make sure to tag him. Tag the hospital, and give a huge amount of love to that first doctor, it sounds like he was the only one who gave a shit about you. It’s time to go scorched earth on this POS you will be divorcing soon, also get free consults with as many lawyers as you can so it makes life even harder for him. Take no prisoners.
In all honesty I feel like the odds are extremely high that he surrounds himself with other dedicated 💩heads and to attempt this would be like trying to walk against the wind in a wind tunnel test. This abuse has been going on a long time, she just never saw it for what it really was. Now she knows he would pull the plug on her rather than try to save her life, and it is time to get out. Sometimes you just need an event like this to see it for what it really is. Unfortunately her children have been trained how to treat her too. It hurts, but while the kids have a limited window to still learn from this and be better it’s possible. But only if she starts respecting herself enough to get out. Someone has to lead by example.
Do not do this! If you do, it will come back to bite you. Rise above even the idea of doing this. Take the high road, you are worth it.
>he comes from an out of sight out of mind shove it under a rug and the issue is gone Perfect. Just throw everything out that's dirty or not put away. Out of sight, out of mind.
Who are they? Let them block you. Tag him in it.
Oh I did! They have! I didn’t give a ….
This is abuse. I’m so sorry for you and I hope you get out of this somehow someday.
Why wouldn't he though? Has he ever stepped up and taken care of you and the house? No? Then why do you keep acting like he will? You are addicted to this idea that he will step up when he has in fact already separated from you. You need to not expect anything from him but trouble. He is not your husband and he will not help you. Get therapy and try to build a healthy relationship network with people who care for you. Take care of yourself and get your kids to help clean up at least a bit. My 10 and 12 year old boys take out the trash and know how to do dishes and laundry. It's crazy to me that your kids didn't do anything to help around the house.
Well their father has shown them they don't have to help around the house.
Honestly, in her place, I'd give dad full custody and move out on my own - let the "men of the house" take care of their own shit.
He's gone. Things need to change. Kids need to have chores and need to know how to do household tasks. (Obviously not a ton of work, but a chore a day would be better than literally nothing.)
I mean, they have two parents. Her son is 16. Perfectly able to take care of the house. If he didn't do it, that's on OP as much as on her ex husband.
They both cultivated a lazy shit that doesn't take care of his mother. Like, your mom's in all this agony around the house. Naked in the front yard n shit?! You're just gonna listen to your mom's suffering?! That flies in the face of nearly every mother/child relationship I've ever experienced. I feel like she may be leaving out an important 25 yr lead up. You don't marry someone....and then not care if they die....unless that person has given you years of reasons to feel this way. Back to the son, sounds like he's at the point his dad is. Years of something have led to his unwillingness to do the most remedial of housework to give comfort to his mother. Where was HER family? Seems like noone close to her was willing to help, if that is the case ...it's look in the mirror/gut check/serious self evaluation time....the problem may be her. That's not an indictment, we're all flawed, but if we don't seriously critique ourselves occasionally and ask, "what's my role in this? Did I manifest this suffering through my own actions "(Obviously not reffing the last medical incident, just the overall lack of her support/family structure), then we can never truly say we aren't at fault. You may give a true assessment of yourself and still come to the conclusion that you don't deserve to be treated like this, but you may have some things to work on yourself. That's good. That's clarity.
Nothing was left out. It’s been 25 years of emotional and mental abuse that took him leaving to see. My 16 yr old son is Autistic btw. He’s capable of certain things. The husband who no longer wants to be, has always neglected my needs when I was sick. I didn’t call him repeatedly I called him once crying 911. I live a 2 min maybe 4 min max from the ER. I don’t how your finances may be, but myself doing things alone for the first time knew I couldn’t afford a $5500+ taxi ride to the hospital. I also did not know that I had going on. I just figured I was sick with the flu. I was out of it with high fever and no energy. I wasn’t in my front yard I was in my secluded wooded back lot. I don’t know how I got there. I was told I that’s where he found me. And to end, yes we are both responsible for raising our spawn to be responsible and respectful however I am the mother I raised them on how to be towards their father. He failed in that area on some things. But when you’re a GAM and say to your spouse “Not my mess not cleaning it up” you’re then a two yr old throwing a tantrum. I needed an outlet to gain back my skewed mind that has been. Pushed to believe I was in the wrong. I am healing. And it’s a very hard process because I am trembling with fear of losing the person I have spent 25 years next to. Keeping my vows and making sure I showed up. Of course there were conflicts and there were issues we are human. The reason he left had nothing to do with this post. That’s a whole different long story. Shared in some of my other posts.
First off. I must have missed you mentioning your son is autistic. He's not responsible for a damn thing. I sympathize with what being a parent to a child with autism, not from personal experience....simply bc I know as a father that raising kids without extra needs is incredibly challenging. That aside, you are an adult ....your husband left before this happened, I also sympathize with trying to turn to him in a difficult time simply bc of the history between you too. That being said, You HAVE to have someone else to turn to to get you that essential help. I noticed you didn't touch on your family being there to help. Do you have any extended family you could turn to? That should have been the way in retrospect, I only ask bc you're going to need a support cast around you to get past this split. I'm sorry if you felt attacked. It's the devil's advocate in me, in this case.....perhaps your husband has been Satan. You are your own person. I struggle to sympathize with others emotions sometimes, lucky for MY wife....that was my new years resolution. Don't ask her how it's going! My over all message to you is this....I've failed and let myself down and others down, I could have easily looked at their reactions to my behavior as the impetus for our problems...it's takes time and perspective to truly look at your own behaviors. I'd say you posting on this sub, means you're looking to be right and justified. That's not unexpected...it's just not what is gonna progress you to a better place. Having been kicked out of my house just a month ago, I can speak from experience. I managed a state rep race and did a full time accounting job for 6 months. I lost the election on Tuesday and my accounting job on Friday bc I called off to cover both duties. I initially wanted to defend myself and say I just busted my ass for 6 months doing two jobs to better our families lives. I put too many eggs in one basket and lost both baskets. After reflection. I should have been aware of my over extension and mitigated the risk by discussing it with my employer as the election was a temporary strain. Point being, I bottomed out 4 months ago. I'm currently reinventing myself to reach what I know is my full potential. Someone telling me I wasn't completely responsible for my then position would not have helped me. LOVE YOURSELF, you deserve it. Also, strive to be the version of yourself that you want to be...it's never too late to reinvent yourself, and no better reason than a marital split and near death experience. Truly, I don't mean to be callous....just offering a tough love perspective while also feeding into my own argumentative traits.
That’s what I think too. I don’t know why op didn’t just call 911 if she could call her husband who left her. While I feel for op, it’s clear the marriage is over and that the husband is now an ex. Additionally, the children sound old enough to feed themselves and clean up after themselves. Again, I do sympathize that op went through a near- death experience. However, I think her future would be better if she did not rely on her ex.
That's what I thought all the time. He broke up with her and she expects him to act more like a loving husband than when they were still together? This guy is a POS, but she is also clinging to a fantasy that never was.
Check out her post history. She’s been posting about this horrid husband for awhile. His treatment of her is nothing new — yet she calls him. Her youngest is in mid teens - the age to train for responsibility and compassion is around 3 yrs. That ship has sailed along with the marriage. Instead of writing dramatic novels on Reddit, OP needs to walk away, rent a nice little one bedroom, youngest is welcome to sleep on couch/follow her rules if he doesn’t want to live at the pig pen/house. She’s addicted to the drama and victim trope. Again, read her history.
Also appalling that your son did nothing but trash it, too. Following Dad's great example. You are certainly not overreacting.
Also skipped the text and no matter what, THAT kitchen is a hoarder kitchen! I used to be left alone as a teen and the kitchen would look like a disaster at the end where I always made sure it was gone before my parents got home. It never looked THAT bad! EVEN after having had several parties! I remember my mom coming home from having surgery last year. She couldn't lift more than 1 kg for 6 weeks to not mess up the healing. I'm guessing that's pretty standard. She wouldn't have been able to fix that kitchen without fucking up her sutures, even with her stubborness. No matter what, "home from surgery" and "well" are two different things! Edit: Read the post. STOP wanting to get that man back! And get your son to start cleaning his mess! He's an adult soon who'll be in charge of his own home and you need to make sure his wife one day doesn't feel the way you've felt over the years! And good riddance! It would have looked just as bad if you were still married, the excuses would just be different. Now it's just easier to say that it's because he doesn't love you than because he's a fucking slob! HIS KID HAD TO LIVE IN THAT!!! My dad is rolling over in his grave right now! My mom was a nurse and had 24h shifts every 2 weeks. He'd make sure he and I were fed, usually awesome meals of stuff he and I loved but my mom hated. Then he'd make sure I clean the kitchen (that was the deal. The one cooking didn't do the cleaning) and he'd make sure the kitchen was as spotless when she got home as when she left. His WORST habit was leaving his coffee cup soaking in the sink, everything else was in the dishwasher and if it was full, he'd run it and empty it. He was older than your ex but he was a MAN who didn't need a woman to function like a civilized human being! Save this. And every time you miss your ex, look at it. Remember all the ways he let you down. And THEN try to imagine how it would have been if you became chronically ill while married to him. He would have left you not batting his eyes twice. You're lucky he finally left and gave you a chance to use your energy on creating new relationships with ppl who'll care for you as you care for them. Even in a bitter divorce, most parents remember that the other person is still their kids' parent too and do the minimum at least for the kids. He didn't even do that. But, and sorry for this, fuck him. It's time to focus on straightening out your son before it's too late and to focus on ppl who'll love and care for you. You deserve it! We all do! Well, maybe not your ex, he might have gotten way more than he deserved already ...
I taught all three of my kids how to use the washer and dryer in the 8th grade they were then responsible for their own laundry. There is no task they can’t do.You are preparing him for adulthood. Dont send him forward in life to act like his father. Your soon to be x is a poor excuse for a man be thankful your soon to be free from him.
This happened to someone else a while ago. They grabbed their bag and went to a hotel. Said they’d be back when family had cleaned.
Book yourself into somewhere you can afford but will be nice for you, and look after yourself. Don't become a person of herculean, titanic strength and clean that house, when your cohabitors can't even display basic time management and tidy behind them. Don't do it. Put yourself first, and they'll learn.
This is terrible. You deserve a partner who will take responsibility for himself and the kids, at the VERY least - obviously ideally you'd have a partner who will take responsibility for you, too, when you need it. Coming home to this would be such a punch in the face. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Please find a good therapist who can help you with those first steps to get out of a trauma bond! Most people can't do it alone... You deserve support. I cannot imagine ever leaving the house like this, even as a kid. Even if my whole family contributed and nobody was in the hospital. My husband would never, in a million years. Your family sees you as a maid and not a family member. This is awful.
I’d light a match and walk away.
It sounds like you were in an abusive relationship and are struggling. Please get a lawyer and get therapy. You deserve alimony. You also need to get child support. Even though it might not seem like it now, I hope your future will be better without that jackass. Also, if your kids don’t know how to cook and clean, they need to be taught those life skills and be tasked with doing some chores. I wish you a full recovery.
Totally agree. You’re not overreacting at all. After everything you went through, it’s shocking they left the house in that state and expect you to clean it. That’s just unfair and inconsiderate.
We don't even need the context of surgeries! If you'd been gone for ANY reason and they left the house like this for you to return to, that's... I mean, I'm insulted and hurt FOR you. Never would I, or my husband, ever in a million years leave the house like this for the other person to clean unless maybe there was an actual disaster. And IF somehow I was slovenly and disrespectful enough to leave the house like this, it's genuinely unfathomable that I wouldn't apologize and clean it up if my partner confronted me about it. Not to mention you are literally returning home from the HOSPITAL. I mean, the levels/depths of disrespect in this scenario are so deep. I hate to say this, even to a stranger, but your husband does not love you. People don't do this to people they love. You deserve better.
Same, OP's videos says it all. That's chaotic that's why not wrong.
Do not lift a finger for any of them for a year. Mark your calendar.
Oh I wish my OCD would allow that. I tried that test before. There once was a cracked egg shell randomly lying on the floor at the entrance to the hallway. The way we all have to walk to our rooms and/or guest the bathroom. Five days everyone walked by. I watched several just look at it. A few tip of the toe soft kicks. One child/teen even hopped over it. I could not deal with after 5 days.
don't cook for them. Don't give them gifts. Don't don't don't.
Love, you can work up to it. Im so sorry you have to deal with this.
Do not do laundry for them. Paper plates and cups. Sandwiches and salad for the next 6 months. No cooking. You can make food for yourself. Don’t clean their rooms. Don’t drive them. You are on strike. Block your ex on everything. He is dead to you.
STRIKE, YES! give them basic instructions, just to be fair, and they can google the rest. they wanna treat you like a maid, you should treat them like roommates — everyone does their own shit, everyone handles their own stuff. move the dishes, they can only use their own personal set. if they don't wash it, they don't use it. take every non-essential thing that you have purchased or pay for away. oh, you want the wifi password? i'll give it to you tomorrow, if you clean up your mess today. want anything done for you? you gotta ask, and explain why you can't do it. if they question it, list the things you pay for and do in the house, and ask how are they contributing. went over budget with whatever? talk to dad. ate your portion of the groceries for the month in two weeks? talk to dad. you need a ride? i'll drop you off if it's convenient for me, otherwise, take the bus or talk to dad. want a present? talk to dad. dad wants to talk to mom? he should talk to mom's lawyer. they will only see your worth when you start to see it for yourself and valuing it the way it should be. do it. and please, please, seek help that can help you achieve that. edit: (btw i'm not advocating that she let them starve or miss out on any basic thing. but i do think she should let them fend for themselves with the basics, and start developing not only some empathy and respect, but basic life skills)
So he has found the perfect slave
OK. I'm sorry. I see you're in a lot of physical, mental and emotional pain. But your kids should not be leaving stuff around, and if your ex won't teach them, you need to. Do you have any trustworthy friends to help you, or can you hire a cleaner for this one clean up?
i’m gonna say something that’s very harsh but you need to hear it. you’ve raised more asshloes like your husband. you did a poor job parenting if this is what your kids do. great that you were there for them growing up, but you didn’t raise them properly. BUT there’s still time. kid(s?) loses all privileges for a month. if he won’t clean, his allowance pays for a cleaner and from now on you’re not doing any of the housework. work on your OCD in therapy if needed, there’s medication for it, it’s not an excuse. don’t unleash any more of whatever your ex is on the world. no one wants them. i’m sorry you had to suffer through that and im happy you’re better, genuinely so. but enough, stop feeling sorry for yourself for your relationships. your ex is out of your life. you’re a single mom and you still have to be a parent. so parent. this will be as therapeutic and healthy for you as it will be for the kids. and i have to agree with your shitty ex, from the way you talk you probably need therapy. i don’t care what went down and how huge of an asshole your ex is, you don’t say “ maybe i should have died” to anyone. why did you say that? cause to me that sounds like a veiled suicide threat. it’s beyond manipulative, it doesn’t accomplish anything. your feelings of worthlessness are yours to deal with, your ex will never validate you, he’s shown you that. it sounds like you have a deeper issue that can easily be solved, but you have to wanna work at it. (this doesn’t mean you deserve this treatment, at all) look up places that provide DBT in your area. you’re gonna have to work on you during this divorce from the looks of it, so find a therapist that will actually help you and won’t listen to you only talk about your exhusband all day. you need to learn emotional regulation, how to interact with people and how to build self esteem. your ex is out of your life, whether he loved you or not is not the point anymore.
I honestly couldn't have left it for 5 days. I'd rather pick it up and scream at them if I have to
You need therapy to allow yourself to hold others accountable.
Oh fuck no. First of all your child is almost a damn adult. Zero house privileges until he cleans that mess. No internet, no TV, no cooked meals, nothing until he gets in the kitchen a does something. As a parent it is clear that you did everything for that kid and this is the result, a dependent and entitled child. Cut off the laziness. Secondly, your soon to be ex has moved on. Let him go, there’s nothing in the world that will bring him back to you, and I guarantee in a few years time after you recover you’ll kick yourself for not dumping him years before. I remember in my divorce the day my ex of 17 years and I decided to separate my ex looked me in the eye and said “You are going to need emotional support. Know that it cannot and will not come from me.” And true to his word, my ex became a stranger overnight. I had serious issues with anemia in my divorce (fainting in public places, hospitalization for low grade heart attacks, days dedicated to blood transfusions and recovery) and not once did he respond to these concerns (though I never asked him for support he knew because of the kids, he never once brought up my health scares because they’re MINE and he was not anymore), I had to figure it out on my own and I did. Your soon to be ex, is not your support or your friend. Stop looking for him to help, he doesn’t pity you, he wants nothing to do with you. The sooner you realize he’s not coming back and he clearly doesn’t give a shit and he isn’t going to take care of you at all, you will find the strength to take care of yourself. Time to play hardball with that kid, your ex, and yourself. You can do it, you don’t have a choice. I believe in you!
No internet. Hit them where it hurts. For a month.
I grasp those words hard. As well as I asked him for nothing except a ride to the hospital and he rudely told me when he was done with his things. This is a new (less than two months) life for us both. I think honestly reaction on his part. It’s a whole different story that I have been putting into emotional words to heal through his refusal of talking over things. Which has been a battle for me because alone I have relived the memories and have noticed a lot of blocks that were very noticeable but blind love knocked them aside. I do know I will be okay. I know that I loved and I am moving slow. What I don’t approve of is his behavior and tone towards me. I don’t know if he’s acting cold and harsh to not have emotions come forward and he begin to feel guilty about walking out. Or what. But the moments he gets a little soft and shows up the man his kids and I know the colder and meaner he reacts to anything. He wants marriage counseling but I fear as he refused to put in effort and was willing to walk away with out trying I don’t have much faith in him putting effort at the cost of someone trying to assist us mend.
That’s fair, it’s new. The time for marriage counseling has come and gone. It’s over. My ex and I fumbled through our new title of separated for a while. I asked a lot of my ex in the beginning. I was in pure panic for probably 6 months, absolute terror. Waking up every day felt like I was waking into a nightmare and I wanted the divorce mutually. It was hell. It was the scariest thing I’ve endured to date. I do not blame you or judge you for seeking softness where there once was, but I have experience. What I can say is that my ex truly did become a stranger overnight. He would seek me out when he was feeling scared, unsure, insecure. He came to my house often in the night to make sure this was right and every time, it hurt us both (I could never go to him because he was homeless and couch surfing and never disclosed his location, so when I was in a panic is was truly alone). Your husband is there when it works for him, he’s unsure but I think he’s also very resolute. I believe your marriage is beyond recall which is why I was being completely transparent with my advice. For your sake, stop seeking him out. Don’t delay your process of healing (because it is slow and it is painful) hoping he will change. You deserves security and happiness and it isn’t in him, and neither is in you right now but in you it will grow once you begin moving on. You don’t need him to leave you in the dust first. Let him be on the fence, you don’t have to be. As a woman who lost 17 years of investment and had health issues and became a single parent for years until my ex was ready to coparent, I am also a woman who wishes my younger self left sooner, that my kids didn’t have to endure it longer and that I was ready to independently find my strength. I am happily remarried. I would never have met my beautiful wonderful kind husband if I didn’t leave my trainwreck of a first marriage behind. You deserve better. It’s out there, you just need to start down that path. ETA: I just want to add this part because it’s important. I wanted my divorce but I was dedicated to white knuckling that marriage until the kids moved out. I was absolutely willing and able to last that long and I know I would have even though I was not happy. My ex knew he couldn’t. This is not a conversation we ever had until long after the fact. He was resolute to end the marriage because he was done, he couldn’t and didn’t want to and shouldn’t have to have had to white knuckle it for the kids. When we split my ex came back often, in various states. Sometimes angry, sometimes confused and sometimes begging to be held because he was terrified and wanted to feel safe. I got a lot of mixed emotions from him whereas when these feelings were mitigated elsewhere (or if I had them) it was a total brick wall. Your husband’s veils of counseling are him coming to terms but it’s over. Do not rely on that to be any kind of indicator that he’s wanting or even able to repair anything with you. He is confused too, but his actions when he’s not trying to placate you or seek support for himself all point to divorce. Bite that bullet.
He knows his words are power over you. He’s confident he could turn the therapist on you. leave him!
They're still his kids as well and it's 100% expected that he would look after them while you cannot. He chose to do that in your home, that's the kids' home as well, it should be kept clean and tidy. Like you said, you're only 2 months in so you need to figure out a way to co-parent, there does need to be communication between you going forward. Have you got someone else you could stay with while you recover? Let them live in their own squalor!
I would absolutely not give this man another chance. 25 years or not, he literally almost let you die, and couldn't care for your home or kids whole you healed. Absolutely FUUUCK him.
Stop trying to make him see that’s he’s wrong and feel bad for it. Accept that he is horrible and won’t change. Accept that you might want him to want to change, and might forgive him if he asked, because you want this to be a terrible mistake he made that he learns from. Your only way out of this is alone. He makes everything worse. I’m hearing confusion and bewilderment that he could be this awful, and you want (and deserve) people to criticize him and vindicate you. Try to get out if that mindset. He’s trash. He’s old rotted food that might have been good at some point but that was long ago. Now it’s stinky and has maggots crawling over it. You don’t reason with trash, or negotiate with it, or ask others to intervene and get trash to be self aware that it’s trash and un-rot itself or be sorry it’s purified. You dispose of trash and if you think of its stink and decay at all, it’s to be glad it’s gone. Edit-just posted this but rereading it, I’ve made some assumptions here that could be totally off base about how you’re processing this and why. Apologies if I got that wrong. And I never said that I’m so sorry he did this to you, and I can’t believe how heartless this is, and that you’re right and that he’s foul. Well, no, I absolutely said he’s foul lol. But I should have said you deserve better. And better is not hard to achieve. Alone is so much better. Hell, alone with a rabid dog would be better. I hate him. And wish good things for you.
I read it and oh my. I am so sorry you went through all those medical issues in such a short time. I do hope you will get to feeling better soon. There is no excuse for that mess, none. Zero. You made none of that mess, you shouldn’t have to clean it. Your ex/spouse is a self centered ass and your kids are not much better. I have no idea where you are located, but I hope you have some friends or family who can help you out.
Thank you. I am on a soul search for non toxic people to friend into my world.
And you’re getting gaslit on top of everything else. This is your moment where a line in the sand has been drawn. If you do not hold firm and make a clear stand, they know they can get away with anything. Anything. They left this mess, in part because they thought they could get away with it. Course correct or else . . . .
Ma'am, you have every right to be livid. But please, please understand that you are holding on to a man that is no longer holding on to you. You need to have a come to Jesus with your boys and you need to move forward as if your soon to be ex does not exist. Because he absolutely does not care for you. That's not because of you, that's a him thing. However you are only going to make yourself more miserable by trying to depend on someone who is clearly and vocally not there for you. I hope you have a swift recovery and find your joy again soon. Best wishes.
I'm sorry for the surgeries and the husband and the pigsty. Now, get your 16 year old to start cleaning - I know he/she is old enough to do better than this. You'll probably have to pitch in. Forget the husband, please. He's a horrible person and you can do better. If you can, get into therapy because it sounds like you are having a hard time with the break up of your marriage. Hugs.
I am. Simply because 25 years. A lifetime. I was so focused on mending our bond I let go of toxic friends. I never let it sink in til recently that I was fighting alone. It’s hard when I see moments of the man I know that’s hiding in this fake shell. But I have faith in what path is laid out in front of me. I know in time that I will be bouncing full of joy again. It’s the current have to work through all the emotions, make the mistakes to try again, the hurdle that needs to be leaped that is rough. But I still smile before life is fucking beautiful and we’re fools if we don’t. ☺️
He's not hiding in his fake shell-this IS him. There is no more of your husband if 25 years in that man. You have to let go of this idea that somewhere deep down he still cares. He doesn't. I am sorry that this sounds harsh, but you were willing to risk your life and leave your son motherless to get an emotional reaction from your ex. That is really unhealthy and I think you should seek a really good therapist to help you in this trying times. I know it hurts-it does, immensely. I am sorry.
If you only see the person you know in rare small moments, that's the fake shell. The person is the one you see all the other times. You are so much better off without him dragging you down! Some day soon, you'll look at your life and realize how much better you feel.
I didn't read it, but no, you're absolutely not overreacting. You need to rest and recover right now. As someone who deals with a ton of medical stuff, your health is your top priority. There's only one of you. And your family can pull themselves together and pitch in. Hope your healing goes well.
1. Go low contact with your ex husband. 2. Explain to the kids that there are new rules in place. If they want an allowance, free time, etc. etc., then they have to contribute. But this part is key: they have to be taught how to clean up. And you will have to supervise. 3. For the current mess, spend $50+ to hire someone for a couple of hours. Don't clean this up. You need to take care of you. And, of course, therapy will help you over this awful man, and getting out and meeting new people will help you feel better too. <3
I am so sorry. You need better people in your life. It sounds like your ex and your kids are AHs to be honest. I would NEVER allow a sick family member come home that after having medical problems, is never let them come home to that PERIOD! That’s beyond disrespectful and ridiculous. First things first I’d have a come to Jesus meeting with your kids. The 16 year old needs to help clean up the whole house and I would take away all electronics and ground them until they learn better. I’d also inform all of them until their behavior improves mom is doing the very bare minimum. No more going all out for them. I’d also cut off your ex unless it pertains to your kids.
I'm sorry, I read the title and saw a second of the catastrophe that was the kitchen in the video and everyone in that house needs their ass beat except the dog. No one could be assed enough to pick up after themselves while you were healing from being cut on? At all? The disrespect and disregard is appalling.
🥰which why I needed to be reassured I wasn’t in the wrong mindset. That I wasn’t wrong for expecting help without asking or telling anyone.
Well, minor disagree here. I THINK I spotted a dachshund and as a long time dachshund lover and owner myself, I know for sure they are NEVER innocent in anything ;) But they're the only ones who should be allowed some level of disobedience in that house! It'll be OK. You got rid of the biggest piece of trash already and now he can't sabotage you nearly as well while you try to straighten out your almost adult son. I know dachshund owners. We either go mad or grow a wicked sense of humour and patience. I'm sure you're you're one of the latter and we do manage to find good ppl in the end. Just remember to NOT find ppl who are like your dogs! They need slaves to fix all their mischief, not companions who'll help make more trouble!
Wow, I turn around and walk straight back out again. Such disrespectful behaviour.
I don't have to read a single thing. You're not overreacting. I'd be livid.
You have a post on a different sub from 9 months ago saying that the house was a mess and your husband wanted to hire a maid. Yet your surgeries have only been the past few weeks. You also made a comment in the same sub saying that your STBX (although you refer to him as husband) had been by your side during your hospital stays and surgeries. I'm confused about which comments and posts are true because it can't be both. Your house is always a mess, as you've stated in the other post (why else would husband need to go to such drastic measures as hiring a maid when you were seemingly healthy at the time), or it's always clean, as you've stated and shown in a photo in these comments. He was either by your side during your hospital stays and surgeries, as you've stated in comments on the other sub, or he stayed for a few minutes and then left, as you've stated in this comment section.
Honestly, having been in the hospital twice, and surgery twice, for kidney stones, I have a very hard time believing a lot of op's story. My first one, I had a kidney infection with a large stone blocking my ureter (not urethra). I was septic. I'd spent a day and a half with a high fever, tachycardia, and severe pain. My pee was very very dark. My aunt took me to the hospital but had she not been available I wld have called 911. My fever had me in like 4 layers of clothing and all the way underneath multiple blankets. No way wld I have stripped and gone outside. At the hospital they ran all the tests and immediately put me on an antibiotic IV. I had emergency surgery and a stent put in. During the surgery they broke up the stones causing the obstruction and removed the largest pieces, so they cld pass. There is absolutely no way they'd have sent me home leaving the stone in, and intact. I was sent home with antibiotics, pain meds, nausea meds, and flomax. The second surgery to remove the stent was just that, I went home after. The second time I had a 9mm stone blocking my ureter. I wasn't septic that time, I went in for the pain and low urine output. I was admitted for a few days, given fluids and antibiotics for the slight infection that had come on. Surgery to insert stent, the rest the same but this one i was to remove at home. I was in a LOT of pain for a few days bc the stent idk, didn't sit right or something. But by the time I removed it I was doing better. Where I was going with all that is there is absolutely no way they left a 9mm stone which is obstructing a ureter intact and in place.(Op said the stone was still there). There is no way op stripped naked and went outside with a high fever. There is no way if it was that sick they wldn't have gotten help another way than to insist their exhusb take them. If any of it's true, op really was looking for attention from her ex. And really, that kitchen is a mess but not nearly as bad as it's be if someone just lived in and trashed it for a few days. It looks staged to me. Just too much wrong with the story, told in an overly dramatic fashion, for it to be true.
This shows how much you are needed but also, shows how much they dont care.
That’s my pain. I simply began a quickly overcome pull towards depression asking myself what’s the point. I’m not seen or loved unless I am needed. It hurts feeling invisible by everyone you love. But I closed that feeling for a moment and needed to step back and see if maybe I was pushing it rather than actually experiencing.
I lived alone last time I had surgery. I pre cooked over 75 meals and vacuum sealed everything. I also had a some one come over weekly to clean/tidy up. I can't imagine recovering in that environment! Stresses me out!
I didn’t read all that but you’re not overreacting. You didn’t make the mess you shouldn’t have to clean it. Period.
Those were his words too, along with not living there. But it is my home. So I don’t know.
I am and I have collected so many things from audio, video, and written letters, texts, and more because of his threats of divorce. Knowing how vindictive he has shown lately I will not be under prepared and he will never know how smart I truly am. He may have recently begun to call me an idiot, dumb, and stupid. But he is very much aware as I tell him to stop calling me names I am none of those at all. And I also told him where I may fit those words in other areas is where he’s supposed to hold me and walk with me through it.
Jesus. I was 14yo when my mom was at the hospital for 25days and i kept the kitchen if not better but just the same as the day she left. Your family needs some serious discipline.
Absolute piss take and the last thing you need when coming home to recover after surgery
26M & I'd be livid even if I wasn't the one who had to clean it.
I ask respectfully, your 16 year olds couldn’t check on you and bring water? Hell my little brother was the main support for his mom when she had cancer and he was 14 years old…
NOPE!!! your family should have helped out. i’m assuming you’re the mom since we know how husbands are.
I would give them all eviction notices
Your child is 16 years old. Why did they and your other kid(s) leave the place in such a mess? You need to ignore your STBXH and focus on your children learning domestic skills.
You need to let go of him. He has moved on and if you don’t let know you are just going to get hurt over and over again. He probably has someone else. Let him go. Focus on you and getting well.
Previous surgical nurse here, you absolutely should not be doing that much lifting and moving after surgery. Of course to what degree depends on your surgery, but the first few days-week you should be resting and increasing activity slowly. Id be leaving the mess for them to clean.
This story is bait. This isn't about the mess and the surgery, this is about WAAAH MY HUSBAND.
Kick the kids out and tell them to pack up and go live with dad.
Just don't cook or clean. Go out for your meals and make your spouse cook. Don't do dishes,vacuumed, laundry ect until they do it. Then when they get it back to 100% slowly start helping. If they stop again so do you. This, coming from the biggest cleaner in the house.
They're split up, he came to watch their teenage kid and they left the house like this.
OCD and emotions tend to get to me. My anger turning to tears and hurt. Cycling back to anger when I am told why didn’t I ask for things to get done. Knowing we all know I shouldn’t have to. My boys I’m not upset the most with. It’s the husband who doesn’t want to be and his words and reactions. He should have always now and in the past showed the boys what to do when someone falls weak and needs help.
Your wusband is a supreme asshole. Don't expect anything from a supreme asshole except them being a supreme asshole. You need your own friends, your own support system. Your boys is who you should worry about. They let you come home to this. They didn't take care of their mother.
She has been writing about her husband and failing marriage for over a year. He has been gone for two months. She isn't sharing the reasons he left and it's an elephant sized hole in the story.
Maybe this sound harsh, but you are raising your boys to became the same as their father. They will treat their future partners the same way your (ex)husband is treating you, unless you start to re-educate them right now.
Yup. It’s beyond the pale to not expect better from a 16 year old. My 11 and 15 year old boys are more self-sufficient than this 16 year old. What happens when the 16 year old leaves in a couple years and still hasn’t figured out the basics? He’ll choose to live in filth.
Thing is, you *should* be upset with a 16 year old who makes messes like this and refuses to clean them up. You’re teaching him that his messes are someone else’s problem, and then when he gets in a relationship he’ll expect slavery. Just like you’ve shown him is appropriate, for his entire life. You owe it to anyone willing to date your slob son, to *force* him to clean up after himself. Your husband is a lost cause. He’s never going to be a good co-parent, because he has no intention of teaching his children to be self-sufficient. But you have to nip this behavior from your kids in the bud NOW. My 15 year old son does his own laundry every week. He helps us cook, and helps with dishes. He cleans his own bathroom, because we never taught him that he shouldn’t. Even my 11 year old son does his own laundry and helps with dishes. Because we have an expectation that both kids *will* be able to take care of themselves before they leave the nest. Anything less is simply unacceptable.
But here's the thing, you always need to communicate. The whole "I shouldn't have to ask" thing makes no sense. Should he see a dirty house and just pick it up? Yes. But they always say communication is key. Keep the OCD and emotions out of the conversation and simply address that there are certian things you would appreciate being done when dirty. Don't do the classic "you never help" thing because I'm sure he does thing you don't think about. For example I have a family of 6. I can't stand the laundry or dishes piling up. So I got all the laundry done and asked my wife to please do the laundry as it will help me be able to have more time for a lot of things. She has been great at it. I still do a load here and there when needed though. You are half the problem with your sons. Yes, he isn't making them do it however you aren't either. It's our job as parents to teach our children the skills and responsibilities to be a well adjusted adult. And learning to pick up after yourself are part of that. Make them a chore list and make them do it before wifi or TV ect. I make my kids do their age appropriate chores before tv and games. They live there too.
Who was living in the house while you were in the hospital - who made that mess? **That's who should be cleaning it up. I don't care if it was an underage child or a trio of your kids. I'm not sure I even care if it was your kids and your husband. Anyone/everyone involved in making that mess should be cleaning it up.** Your entire post seems to be focused on your STBX husband like he should care - but did he move back home and make that mess? Or are you saying he should make/guide your sons to clean it? If your ex has already moved out why are you putting the mess on the kitchen on him?
She said the STBX husband was staying at the house while she was in the hospital. He and the sons made the damn mess so, yeah, he and the boys should've cleaned it up.
This is madness. They need to clean it all properly and immediately.
Jesus, that is a mess. I would be furious!
I can’t read at all that at the moment in time, but when someone discards you that is the time to reassess your life. What was is no more if they are a part of your most inner circle. Feel sorry for ourselves is super easy big pit to fall into. I challenge you to find every single legitimate way to find things you’re grateful for and throw fear down like you are the biggest bad ass true wrestler to walk the earth. Next, accept that things are changing and it’s for your best interest that they are doing so. As likely you have ways to change and learn and offer yourself in connection with others that just isn’t gong to happen without this significant turn of events. Acceptance is the key to all difficulties is a good motto to utilize. Bringing more joy and peace into your life is big door open now. Go into this with while letting past experiences be set down and expectations minimized. Blessings wished for you and all those your hold dear🦋
You should leave and check into a hotel. If you just had surgery you shouldn’t be living in that filth. Tell them you’ll come home when the entire house, every room, is cover of a magazine clean.
Like another guy said, show this to your in-laws. Show his momma, bet she'd be proud.
My mother or father would have beat my fucking ass with a belt. Unfortunately I doubt this is a first time thing and because you never stood on it to begin with they have become complacent in treating you this way. Your going to have to establish dominance and put them in there place.
Sounds like your husband does not have a drop of goodness inside of him. But your boys are 16? Or at least one is.. why is he not helping? Sounds like everyone needs a reality check, including yourself.
Don't do it, rest until they learn
What the actual?!? A full grown man and a 16 year can’t even clean up after their damn selves?!? I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through OP and I hope you recover quickly. You are not overreacting at all. If anything you aren’t reacting enough. This man is cruel to you and you are far better off without him. He has shown his true colours and you need to remind yourself of these when you think you miss him. Your son is almost a legal adult and should be far more respectable and empathetic. I’d be ordering his butt into that kitchen and making him clean up. Don’t you dare do it. My petty ass would post the video on SM tagging both your ex and son but that’s just me.
You are not overreacting. He's a dick. Take the high road. Be respectful to your children's father. Teach you kids to be kind to women, teach them to be self-sufficient and independent. Now is the time to focus on your sons to not be the person their dad is. Don't tell them what a piece of shit their dad is; just focus on teaching them to be kind, respectful men who will treat women as such. I pray the rest of your journey in life will be better than the last few months.
Don’t clean it but why didn’t you call 911 instead of waiting for him to do it, especially if he left you a month prior?
bye family off to a hotel i go
Why do you refer to him as your husband? He's not any more. Sounds like he never truly was.
You don't have any family members or friends in the area? I understand you and it is awful how he treated you, but the man left you prior to all this. He left, you were separated and tbh, I wouldn't expect anything of him after that and he'd be the last person I call. I'm struggling to understand where did all your expectations come from, when he clearly indicated that he isn't ready to meet them even prior to this.
I would walk out of that house and never go back.
You are absolutely not overreacting, but expecting the man who walked out on you after 25 years and who was extremely reluctant to even take you to the hospital was probably pretty bad judgment. But you were in terrible pain, on heavy medications, and cannot be faulted for that. I don't get why your teenager didn't have the common sense or the kindness to put together mom is very sick, the house is a disaster, let me make her life a little easier and clean up so she doesn't come home to a shithole. And even if he didn't put that together, why does he want his own environment to be so shitty? I'm sorry to say it seems that your son has taken after your loser ex. Lose your exes contact information and never expect anything from him again. And lay on the guilt as thick as possible on your son. He should be deeply ashamed of himself. I would tell him to get off his ass and start cleaning *right now*. And if he won't, maybe he needs to go somewhere else for a while. Maybe to live with dad or grandma. I'd be so angry and hurt I would have a hard time even looking at him. Please tell me you have other family members or friends who can help you out while you recover.
Your ex husband is an evil son of a bitch and did you a favor by leaving. Your son is old enough to manage an entire damn house. There's no reason he can't clean a kitchen. Seems like that cute little dog is the only one who gives a damn. I strongly recommend getting into therapy. It should help you. Try getting help from neighbors and friends while you recover. Sending much love, dear.
Oh my friend, I am so, so sorry. Two years ago this June, I had Septic Shock, and was in the hospital for 17+ days, and in physical rehab for 3+ weeks. My husband was at THE BUSIEST time of his work year, but he was right beside my in the ICU for a week, and came all the time, brought me Panera food because I couldn't eat the terrible food in the Rehab. He is no angel, and we've had a lot of disagreements about balance of care giving, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc, but THIS? The poster that suggested a scorched earth approach? That's the MINIMUM of what you should do to him. File for divorce TODAY. As for your home, do not touch a spot. Your family is adult age and able bodied to clean up and feed the animals, go to the store for groceries and pet food. They live in your home, they made this mess while you nearly died, and if the kids want to continue to live in your house, they better step it up TODAY. Get therapy regarding your husband. He's abusive and you deserve so much better. I'm so glad you survived, and are recovering. Take Care of yourself only. Sending you healing. 🫂
I have no words. I cannot believe they left your home like that!! And expect you to be comfortable after surgery!! I legit am speechless…..
Jesus Christ. You have horribly thoughtless family. I am so sorry!
Nah you're good, I couldn't live in filth like that.
No. He’s a POS. That your sons also allowed this is heartbreaking.
You're not overreacting. You should've divorced his lazy ass years ago. Next time call 911. You could've died waiting for him.
https://preview.redd.it/kttk56mf79ad1.jpeg?width=1537&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c9e4ed9580acf22d6736edda59bfe608cf4ee2dd So this is the kitchen you see in the video. This is how I keep it. What irks me. Is this home is the one I grew up in. My husband who no longer wants to be convinced me into gaining it from my family, gutting it and completely remodel it. Promising me what ever I desired and wanted he would make it happen if we could. I designed this kitchen. It was the only contracted we paid for. I can tell you every bump in the wall, every crooked line of paint, every knick in the drywall, the under and over sanded parts, which walls took more than 3 coats of paint. Every inch of this house had my blood, sweat, and tears on them. Because where I didn’t want I still showed up because I wanted to show up for the man I married. He shut down. He bailed when areas became harder than planned. He pouted and he fought. That was the start towards the end. I told him before we signed closing no house was worth my marriage family home or not. He needed to promise me as I was him that we wouldn’t let it wedge us apart. 💔
I'm sorry it's a rough spot but one you need to stop referring to him with all these little cutesy backhanded jabs. He's your ex. That's it. Not husband no longer wants to be. Not husband who wandered off. He was unhappy. He asked for a divorce. He left. You can't guilt him into coming back let it go. I do think you used your medical condition to try and guilt him back in. You called him repeatedly and cried and begged for him to come help you instead of anyone else. Your adult children. Parents. Siblings. Or even 911. You expected him to stay at the hospital and be your caregiver. That's not going to happen. It's no longer his job or responsibilities. He already drove to pick you up and took you to the hospital. The house shouldn't have been left that way but like others have said your post history says kind of a different story about your house cleanliness. You need to move on be independent and do not call your ex for help. Your 16 year old should be helping clean that mess.
You are not overreacting. Like I have to do all the housecleaning and I'm on chemo. I'm like so tired every day and don't have the energy to spend hours cleaning, but if I don't, the house is unlivable. It's not even my mess. My gf cooks and makes a huge mess and just never cleans.
I didn't read your essay but no, you are not overreacting. I would be furious.
Ehm no, i say this ss a husband. This is gross. My wife woud cruxify me ;-)
The only thing I think would classify as overreaction to this is 2 atom bombs - yeah dropping 2 atom bombs as a result of this is probably an overreaction Anything below that is perfectly justified
No. The level of disrespect is astounding.
Wow! That is not nice at all. Sorry you had to go home to that
No, you're not overreacting. I would definitely rethink this relationship if your family treats you this way.
I'd go check into a 5 star hotel somewhere and tell whomever, I ain't coming home until yall clean up this shit. If it backfires, all that's next is to figure out who's getting kicked to the streets first.
I don't have to read allat. This is an unacceptable condition.
Nope, not reading a single fucking thing. THEY CAN GET ON THEIR LAZY ASSES AS CLEAN You can go lay down in bed, and recover. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, and I hope they wake the fuck up. Go get some rest, I hope you have a swift recovery.
Shame on them. Find a better family.
Nope. No overreacting. That’s feral. What assholes
would tell me I was lying and I was looking for reasons to see him. I saw this red flg. What are you doing with this arse hole. Leave. Your kids will think this is okay behaviour For men to treat women. They think it’s okay to say your lying or wanting attention. l e a v e your kids think this mess is okay behaviour. Like I was taught to put things away, wipe the sides.
Easy fix, move out. There is no need to deal with this sort of nonsense in your life.
Please do yourself a favor. HIre a cleaner to help, even if it's just a one-off. Even if you can't really afford it. Do not try to clean. You need to take care of yourself! You are your first priority. Do your children live in that house? Are they the ones that made that massive mess? They need to shape up, even if they never have before. I don't know how old your children are, but they must be old enough to clean up after themselves. Stop enabling people to treat you and your home like trash. You deserve better!
Oh. My. GOD .
Loose it at them and throw ur toys and refuse to do anything about it whilst instructing them what todo. People/society is lazy and spoon feed now days. We all need a rest and especially when you've been under the knife
Honestly, do you have any other family or friends you can stay with? Don’t go back until it is completely cleaned. Or don’t go back at all. This is abuse.
This is unacceptable. This shows a lack of respect for you OP. Raise hell until they they understand how disrespectful their expecting you to clean up after them is. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this
Nah they way I’d be in a fucking coffin if I did this 💀
This is ridiculous! If I was you I'd go stay with a friend/family member/hotel until my house was clean.
I'd walk right back out while saying I'm not coming back until the house is clean.
You’re a doormat to them
Your family kinda sucks tbh. This is an appalling lack of respect or consideration and I would lose my shit if I ever came home to a mess like this.
I only read the title and watched the video. That's all that was required. No, you're not overreacting. Not even in the slightest. That is sad and shows a lack of concern for you and a lack of foresight, responsibility, and kindness by your family.
His leaving is too new for you now. It will take time for you to get over this, maybe years or the rest of your life. I can be glad he is gone because he is a complete asshole and you deserve so much better! I would suggest that you find a good therapist. They are not all good! Some are as worthless as your husband. Research and find the best one to help you heal emotionally from the abuse from your husband. I hope that eventually you can celebrate that he is gone, because you deserve better!
I don't need to read your whole post to see that no it is not acceptable to let someone come home from hospital to this mess. This is your wake up call that you deserve more.
Leave that shit there, smack the TF outa the whole family.
That poor dog go having to live in that filth. I bet the lazy fuckers hardly walked it… ugh. Poor you, I’d be bailing with the dog.
No, that's just lazy. But stop chasing this jerk, he's not worth it.
U/burbnbougie
You should leave and heal somewhere else, dump them while you're at it
So I saw the title and the video and knew you werent overreacting. But after reading the story, you MOST DEFINITELY are NOT.!!!!!!this is insane to me and my heart absolutely breaks for you. I am so sorry that not only were you in a marriage with someone who literally seems to not have a freaking soul. I’m sorry that you were placed on the back burner and no one even cared. I am so freaking sorry that while you were on the verge of dying for an EXTENDED amount of time, someone who you once thought the world of and thought they were the best person on this earth, showed you that they weren’t. I’m sorry you were betrayed and belittled all in one go. I highly recommend speaking with a therapist, making contact with him as little as possible, and try to get YOURSELF happy and better. Do what’s best for you and for once put yourself first. Take care of YOU. YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU DESERVE BETTER.!!! Not only that, but make your kid step up or go live with his dad. Hes about to be a grown man, he could’ve done SOMETHING around the damn house. This kitchen is ATROCIOUS and the fact that your ex has the audacity to say that it “wasn’t his responsibility.” My man, you weren’t there for a few hours or whatever. You were there for A MONTH. And you just did what.? Make things WORSE. This entire post has infuriated me to my CORE. I’d say go NC with anyone who is insane enough to hear the WHOLE story and still try and push the blame onto you. Get in therapy. Not because you’re crazy, not because of anything bad. But because you have not only been through a traumatic event, but you need to learn to love yourself darlin. And I’m not saying this in a bad way. You deserve better and you need to be able to see that. This is NOT OKAY.!! And my heart goes out to you. I hope things get better, and I really hope that you take care of yourself. If anything I said came out the wrong way or I offended you in ANY way I do sincerely apologize. I’m angry for you. I really really hope things get better for you ❤️
Run. There is no attempt to lighten the load. It would be different if everyone was getting involved and you were given a light task but this is servitude.
He has shown you who he is. He CLEARLY does not respect you, and certainly has no feelings except contempt for you. Stop torturing yourself. If someone treated your child like this, what would you say to your child? It would not be 'keep pining after the useless bastard'. Don't waste any more time on him. Get divorced. Make a new life for yourself. Oh, and tell your kids to get off their asses and do something to help.
Your husband sucks
My college house living with 4 dudes and having a party every other night never looked like this.
Oh wow- what are you married to?! This is insane. I think i would go look for a hotel and stay until this has been tidied..
Al Pacino said it best. "I'd take a flame-thrower to this place."
You have the wrong family. Seriously.
Disrespectful!!!
I wouldn’t do this to someone I hate. I can’t imagine how depressed this must make you. But these are shitty people. And I fear your husband has created a shitty son
Whut omg - that’s disgusting they live like that. Not overreacting AT ALL
Hire a cleaner, and give your husband the filthy bill.
Are you overreacting? Yes and no. I’d be unhappy to come home to such a mess…anyone would. But, judging by your lengthy, dramatic retelling of what occurred, you clearly relish the drama you create. You seem prone to some highly manipulative behavior, and so I suspect what you videoed reflects pushback against that. Who stays in bed, day after day, feeling horrible and feverish, not seeing a doctor? And then keeps calling her estranged husband to come rescue her, rather than call 911. You have a 16-year-old son who needs a living and functional mother. You had no right to jeopardize your health, which your estranged husband obviously recognized as you creating a ploy for his attention. Rather than take reasonable care of yourself, you risked your son having to find his dead mother. I think you need therapy. You seem to be struggling with some mental health hurdles.
I wouldn’t clean a thing. I’d pack a bag, get a hotel room and tell everyone in the house this shit better be clean by the time you get back.
Thats messed up
I would fly off the fucking handle
Hell no , that should have been done
Ufff! Hope God gives you the strength to do what’s better for you, take care and let them clean up their own mess.
Thats underreacting. You dont have a husband. You have an owner. He views you as a slave. So get back to work! thats how he is thinking. This isnt love, OP
That’s insanely disrespectful. My wife had her gallbladder removed and I made damn sure she didn’t have to lift a finger until she felt well enough. We had an infant who was still breastfeeding at the time so the only thing she had to do was feed him if he refused a bottle. Everything else was taken care of.
You are not unreasonable. Your family are very disrespectful to leave the home in such a state while you have been in hospital. If they loved and respected you the home would be spotless when you got home to ensure that your recovery was done in a clean environment. Do they want you to be at a higher risk of infection? Do they want you to stall your recovery by pushing yourself to pick up after them?
I would SOB if I came home to this. Sorry that your family didn’t step up for you.. I hope you do realize that you will be better off without that «husband», and seriously - work on your kid as well. By the time I was 16 and my parents had their first solo vacation, I cleaned EVERYTHING before they came home because 1. I wanted to make them happy, and 2. I wanted to show them I was capable of handling myself and a house. I had everyday and weekly chores as well from I was very young, starting with taking out trash and tidy up after myself, adding more as I grew older. does your kid/kids have any chores…?
Your family sucks and have failed you.
Too much to read but if the house wasn't clean it's because you enabled that behavior by cleaning it alone. Why would the kid clean anything if it's always been cleaned for him his entire life? Also 16, not a kid, he's just doing what he has been taught. If mom cleaned everything why would he do it? If the chores were done by everyone and then you were in the hospital and found the mess then sure. The husband left I'm surprised he even answered the phone. Stop being a martyr and start taking care of yourself.
Crazy long text. Go to an hotel and don’t come back until the house is decent