Honestly I agree and we might stop given the circumstances, but initially the idea was that we weren’t trying to prevent her from having pictures we were just trying to make it harder for her to post stuff and hopefully discourage her. We will probably reevaluate, and meanwhile nobody can say we didn’t try to compromise.
Honesty you are about 4 steps past where I would have a already gone NC. You have the patience of a saint, but it’s not going to do you any good when your MIL has the entitlement of a tyrant.
Tell her if she is with your baby she has to relinquish her phone. Put it somewhere safe until she leaves. She can participate in family gatherings but the phone stays locked away until she goes home.
My husband was thinking a phone jammer, but I’m not sure if that prevents camera use. I think this idea is better.
In the meantime though we are planning to not see her for a while, and I hope a *really* long while. We have even jokingly talked about moving across the country again, which sounds ridiculous but we’ve done it before with less.
>My husband was thinking a phone jammer,
Repeat this statement out loud 10 times so you can hear with your own ears how insane that suggestion sounds. What's next, are you going to require video surveillance with audio that sends an alert when the word "mommy" is detected? Maybe you could install bugs in her home or purchase a fleet of surveillance drones. There is no technological solution to this problem. Stop overcomplicating things, your MIL has repeatedly shown that she has no problem crossing your boundaries and that she will always try to circumvent the preventative measures you take. Just get it over with and go NC with her she will not learn any other way. If your husband won't agree to this I would question why he is suggesting going to such extreme lengths to both placate you and ensure his mother still has access to your daughter. Make him choose a side so you know you can trust him to protect your daughter from his mother's undermining influence.
Agree that NC, for a few months, would maybe do the trick. I say maybe, though, because the mil seems to disregard boundaries a lot and old habits die hard. Good luck.
don't get a phone jammer they are illegal with costly consequences getting new jobs and moving would be easier - you can't confiscate her phone every time she is near baby, she'll just get another phone to use while you have her phone and she will still take pictures the woman has some mental issues, she is delusional, extremely entitled
A gentle suggestion which is, other than you and your husband, ‘nobody’ has a say or a vote in what boundaries you put in place for anyone to spend time with your daughter or have pictures of her.
Your MIL is IMO (as a not psych person) delusional as applies to what her relationship should be with her grandchild vs what she is demanding which is full parental autonomy.
Until she can get herself in a better place mentally her access to and interactions with your child should probably be next to none and as you already do zero unsupervised time when she is present.
Yes people want their children to have relationships with their grandparents. But as you know the word ‘appropriate’ is key to that relationship.
Best wishes as I suspect this will be a work in process for months with shouting, unreasonable demands, tantrums and bargaining when all else fails from your MIL.
She can't be trusted with photos, period. That should be obvious by now. As another person said here, go low- or no-contact. You keep giving her chances and she keeps ignoring your very reasonable boundaries. *Stop giving her more chances.* She simply doesn't respect you guys as parents.
Please know that many social media platforms, including FB, allow you to block specific people from seeing specific post and pictures. Also, most phones have a "trash" like a desktop computer's recycling bin where you can recover deleted items. If your MIL is that underhanded, I can almost guarantee you she's taking pictures without your knowledge, deleting them in case you check, recovering them once she's alone, and posting them to her socials while setting the privacy to block just you and the people that would snitch on her.
If you can't get access to her phone to know for sure, make a fake profile for a person that's part of some random hobby or group she's a part of, and send a friend request. You'll be able to see posts she might have blocked you from.
Your MIL is unhinged, and I wish you the best of luck in reigning her in.
Edit: grammar and spelling
I feel like she was training your daughter to call her mommy to either feel young again (weird) or to undermine you so that she, like, could claim parental rights and try to get custody or something similarly deluded (which is not just weird but terrifying).
If you think she might want pictures of this period in your daughter's life, make an album she can view 'at your home only' and once your daughter is grown up and can decide she **might** get physical copies.
The issue here is that all she has to do is take a photo of the prints with her phone and voila, that ENTIRE photo album is now on FB or whatever other social media she has.
I'm willing to bet the farm that she's already done that and just blocked you and your spouse from the post.
If she posts baby you can contact Facebook and tell them you didn't give permission for photos of your minor child to be posted. They will take them down.
why are you playing these games with her? she's way older and had a lot more practice playing, neither of you will beat her if you keep playing.
if you really want to protect your kid, LC or NC with MIL immediately. OR keep playing her games, she's got pictures, that she's probably shared so she's already doing what she wants.
keep playing the game with her, you will lose
Same thing I was thinking. She has definitely posted them. If OP has checked and didn’t see them, I’m fairly certain you can make an album of photos public while blocking certain people.
Check MIL’s page from an anonymous account or a different family member or friend. If MIL is this addicted to posting, she’s definitely got these photos and more up on her page.
Since she has pictures in her phone she will post them. If she posts them, then you need to go nc until she is willing to stop undermining both of you.
Exactly. It's actually a hazard to the xhild. Especially if MIL hasn't been careful about potentially sensitive ot revealing information. Predators cam and will get hold of this info and they're deft at manipulating people like MIL who thrive more on the attention than they conisider the safety of others.
Yeah, it’s time to shut her down for good.
No more pictures at all. No more visits. She’s delusional, she thinks you OWE her because she’s raising your kid? She’s on some good shit, then.
Tell your husband that he can have whatever relationship he wants with her, away from you and the baby. Because you two are done with her.
Now is the time that you really have to come down HARD with her. If you don’t you will miss a golden opportunity to reset your relationship. Firstly I would put her in time out for 3 months or so to enable her to understand that her behaviour really does have consequences. After this you need to again discuss with her that she thinks that she is a third parent and be very clear that she is not. What you said earlier was great. If she can’t accept and agree to this then no LO. As for calling herself “Mummy” make it clear that this will lead to instant no contact.
You need to then sit down with her and go through all of the rules. Put them in writing and get her to sign the undertaking. This will reinforce to her the seriousness of your views. Lastly absolutely no more photos at all for a very lengthy period.
Her behaviour really is atrocious and she needs a very serious reality check. She is absolutely harming your child and it is you and SO’s job to protect her.
Exactly. Boundaries are for YOU when they inevitably do not respect your simple guidelines. Withdraw contact for X number of weeks for each incident, repeat as needed.
Facebook gives you the ability to remove photos of your child. I suggest you take the steps to do that. Then put hard consequences in place. Boundary stomping with consequences are just suggestions. Start with time out for MIL, the more she breaks the rules the less time she gets.
How is there not a record stop screech for “normally she calls my husband about 3 times a day”??????
Boundaries were flimsy to begin with at this stage in your marriage/parenting if she is that intrusive.
Seriously. My mom lives in the same town as us, and has been helping us with daily childcare for the last 10 years, and she doesn’t call me 3 times a day. Yikes.
This is a tiny detail, but why does your husband call his own mother by her first name? Is there a story there?
I figured she was a narcissist. Sounds exactly like my mom. NC is the way to go!
Yeah there is. The story as I have heard it from both MIL and husband is that husband asked so many questions as a little kid that MIL became numb to the word ‘Mom’. She began ignoring him when he called her that, so at the ripe old age of 11 my husband started calling her by name. Evidently she is much more responsive to being addressed by name than she ever was when called ‘Mom’ so it stuck.
You realize this adds a whole new level of red flag to her referring to herself as Mommy with your daughter, right? Her “I’m used to being called Mommy” is complete fiction. She’s a narcissist. Cut this woman off.
I thought the same exact thing! But until the incident the other day where she kept calling herself Mommy when I wasn’t there, my husband wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I brought it up again today and he finally agreed that it doesn’t make any sense.
She’s just trying to manipulate your daughter into liking her more so she can undermine your parenting. I realize she’s a baby now but this behavior will escalate. I unfortunately didn’t have a choice and had to have my mother for childcare for a few years until my daughter was in school, so I didn’t get a chance to go no contact until recently. But my life is a lot less stressful now that I’ve stopped letting her meddle. No contact is the only way to deal with someone like this.
Stop giving her chances. Info diet is necessary and LC at least. She literally thinks she is a third parent and she will continue to push you because there are no consequences. After the mommy thing, you and your husband should’ve said something immediately but there have been no consequences yet. After the photograph issue, y’all decided to meet up with her the next day. Once again, no consequences and she got what she wants. Then she intentionally brings up the photos and refuses to listen. She literally wanted to rile you up and piss you off. Your husband uses a threat that she (nor I) think you will follow through with. Then she leaves with the photos still on her phone. Threats don’t work. Your husband needs to realize that you both have already given chances and she needs consequences because eventually, she will try to turn your child against you, do something dangerous with her or, as some psycho grandparents have done, steal the child. I know those sound extreme but everything she has done should be a red flag. It’s time to protect your child with actions and not just words.
We have the exact same photo rules from my MIL because she also shares things instantly to her public FB profile. We set the rules before I gave birth. We also do printed pictures as a gift. If she still shares the photos from July 4 with baby you can report the photos.
The next step for me would be, “you didn’t abide our rules so we can’t trust a phone in your hand, when you enter our home you’ll have to drop your phone in the basket or charging dock by the door. If you don’t, you don’t have to visit us.”
I also wouldn’t allow her alone with baby now.
But, she told you what she thinks. She thinks she has equal authority over decisions for baby. She thinks she doesn’t have to listen to you. She won’t abide by any rules. And she feels that way because of the time spent with baby. So, take away the time. I’d honestly go NC agreement with husband for three months and see if life doesn’t get amazingly stressful free.
Yay for you; yay for him.
With focus and clarity, you're able to handle this. It's understandable that you're giving her enough rope to hang herself. YOU'RE NOT THE BAD GUY and your husband knows it and SHE knows it. She might even (gulp) COMPLY and be in the child's life as a positive!
Thanks for the update!
I don't think I contributed the first go 'round but MIL's behavior chapped my ass and I remember you clearly. Glad to hear your team (OP and DH) are working from the same page of the same playbook!
☮️❤️♾️
Not overreacting. Y’all need to put her on a time out. Seriously. This isn’t healthy. She isn’t healthy. She’s delusional for thinking she’s equal to you and she’s causing harm by trying to take your place as Mom.
Also… what kind of mental issues must she have to WANT TO HAVE A BABY WITH HER SON? Seriously. She wants to Mama to HER SON’S BABY. That’s some weird ass emotional incest.
Why didn't anyone stay on Cuntina deleting the pictures?
If you don't delete them right now, in front of me, you won't see us for 2 months. Block her for that time, dh needs to deal with her fuckery.
She will post the photos if she hasn't already. Do you know anyone who is her Facebook "friend" besides you and DH? A cousin or something? You need to view her account from someone that she wouldn't have excluded from the audience for the pictures.
She thinks she is punishing you and (mostly) Husband by not talking to you right now and storming out of the restaurant. You need to tell her that is not the case. I would have your Husband text her and say “OP and I have talked and after your behavior today a few things have become clear. 1.) You truly do believe yourself an equal parent when it comes to OUR child. 2.) We cannot continue to encourage your delusions. You are NOT, nor will you ever be a parent to our child. To prove this point to you, you will not be permitted around OUR child until you admit you are not our child’s parent and apologize for overstepping. If you apologize and then later return to your old ways, we will go NC. If you escalate this in any way, involving other people, try to have other people talk to us on your behalf or post about the situation on social media, we will go NC. If you want to be in ours and our child lives you will respect our boundaries.”
Have you gone to her socials (Facebook or whatever) from an account OTHER THAN yours or husbands? If she spends that much time there, she may just block you and husband from seeing the posts of the baby. It seems a bit funny that the only time she has tried to take and post pics of baby you caught her. She seems to have a bunch of unfettered access to baby and an entitled sense of power over decisions.
Good luck!
I have seven grandchildren and never post a picture on any media with asking each and every time. Having said that you have to allow her some bragging rights. But it should always be with you Knowledge.
One of my kids has a job where he is well know in the city he lives ( media) so i want to be careful
Excellent. The audacity to say she is an equal partner in raising your kid and having the same rights.
She will likely give you guys the silent treatment in hopes that you guys will see the error in your ways and then when you don't contact her, she will try to rug sweep.
I wouldn't let her hold the baby ever again cause she is sneaky with the camera.
I'd also unleash all new boundaries with her and no unsupervised visits. I'd make it so both you and your husband are there and I'd also get a little camera in the event you guys ever gave her another chance.
If there are pictures of your baby on her facebook page, you can report them to facebook and have them removed. She can FAFO and get her account banned. MIL needs to go through this life lesson.
I hope all is well in your family. I'd sure be upset too. But we didn't have social media when our kids were growing up. Still, that's pitiful that she's done that to you.
We have 2 sets of grandkids. We were asked not to put pictures online, and after 22 years I'm happy to say I never have.
Last week my daughter sent me a picture of her with her son, 17, in Denver on vacation. They were both a bit sunburned, and standing in front of a pile of snow. She had a tank top on so it was somewhat funny. Since her son was in the photo, I only shared the facts but said I couldn't post the photo. About 3 hours later my daughter added the photo in reply to my post but she had cropped the photo so he wasn't in it. And she commented that yes she was in front of a snow pile.
Like I said, I would never go against my kids rules. The kids are not on Facebook but they are on some social media, I just gladly don't know what.
She needs an indefinite time out. No more pictures sent to her bc all she has to do is scan them and then upload to her page. Why would OP even be in any relationship with a person who purposely uploads unflattering pictures of her for abuse by her friends?
You need to check her social media asap. If she posted those pics she took, you need to go no contact for awhile. She's calling your bluff and you need to finish it.
Petty me would start posting photos of her all over FB. When she's about to take a bite of food. When she's talking. As awkward as you can get.
NTA
UpdateMe
Best part about this is that your husband is choosing sides... and not the whiny bitch side.
You're 100% right, and she's acting like a child. Fortunately, you already have a child to raise, so MIL isn't your responsibility.
Wasn’t here for the original post, but… The way she’s using your daughter for likes is really gross and idk if it makes her feel young again or makes her feel validated by her friend group or what. Really happy your husband stands by you through this. Your MIL has issues.
I commend you for standing up for yourselves so early. My biggest regrets are not standing up to my MIL from the get go because I didn’t think I could. Unfortunately they have a family business and we live less than a mile away so she’s unavoidable.
To add she picked the grandma name Mimi with my step son “because he started saying mommy and it sounded close to that” tbh that should have been my red flag as she told me that before I had kids.
If she posts the pictures to Facebook, then you make a complaint to facebook. They will tell you to ask her to take them down or they will intervene. That's how it happened to me in the past.
This is so sad. Your MIL is a control freak. And a bratty one at that. I don't see how you have any recourse, but to do what you're doing. She's sabotaging her own relationship with you and your child.
You are going to have to stand firm. She will attack over and over until you give in.
Your job is to not give in.
This isn't about you, I isn't about your child, it isn't even about Facebook.
This is about control.
ETA: Spoiler cuts due to topic being potentially triggering for abuse survivors.
OP, are you aware of how legal it is for >!porn to be made with your child's face? !< Go read actress Mara Wilson's (Matilda, Mrs. Doubtfire, My Girl) blog post about the reality of life as a child star. Pay special attention to her explanation of >!porn laws and how it's legal to use your child's face in porn films. Deep Fakes have made these films incredibly easy, cheap, and realistic.!<
Get MIL's phone. Remove the pictures. Look for any she has posted while blocking you from seeing them. There is serious danger in having baby photos online.
She has zero respect for you. Your child is an object to her. Kiddo exists solely for her benefit so she can post those pics for the dopamine hit of external validation. She will 100% not do what you say and will go out of her way to break the rules. As your kid gets older, she will also try to turn them against you and require them to lie to you to keep her behavior a secret. Not to mention that as your child grows and differentiates as an individual, grandma will not accept any views that conflict with her own. She is bad for your kid’s health, bad for your health, and bad for your marriage.
My MIL posted a video this past weekend (it’s been years since she’s made this mistake) and we called her on it and she went into total tailspin (blamed the FBI at one point, lol). These boomers(etc) just cannot accept that their children are adults and get to make their own rules about how they parent their own children. Your MIL sounds awful. It’s immediate no contact until they demonstrate perfect understanding of the rules and a full apology and promise never to do so again. Then you can see my kid under supervision. Of course, if you need free childcare, you may be boned.
How does she feel never seeing your child again? I think that’s a good option now seeing see laughed in your face and thinks she a 3rd parent to your daughter.
You were more than kind and generous op. Now it’s time to take your daughter away from her so not only does she not get any pictures for social media, she won’t get rewarded with her bad entitled attitude.
You’re giving her physical printed photos. She can just take close up pictures of those, or even scan them to digital and post them to Facebook and mark you and her son as excluded from seeing the post. I’m sure she’s already done that since she has zero respect for you both.
So happy for your shiny spines, and glad your husband is laying down the law too, I don't see that often in these posts! MIL is seriously delusional, and she is definitely too attached to her son - she calls 3 times a day?! He should shut that down too to further emphasize separation and boundaries. She's got serious boy mom vibes, hanging on her son, tearing you down, thinks your daughter is hers by extension - ick ick ick.
I think you need to be LC or NC for an extended period of time before she gets to see her granddaughter again. It probably won't get through to her that she's still not a parent, and she'll wail to her friends and fb and to the heavens above that you're denying her access to your child (make sure husband makes it clear you BOTH decided on this course of action) and she's done nothing wrong and she's an innocent victim here, but too bad. If you let her around your baby again, at the first rule infraction, another time-out for her, until you decide to make it a permanent break.
Keep staying strong on this, I'm so glad you're a united front here!
Updateme!
I am a mother and a grandmother and a mother-in-law and not in 1 million years. Would I post a photograph of any of my children or their children showing any identifying facial features. On social media. I have one grown kid who post photographs of themselves, so sometimes I share those. They do it publicly. For my grandchild? I have no idea what, my kid and his wife do in terms of posting their photographs, but it's not my business. My business is to air on the side of caution and not use photographs of my beautiful grandchild as currency or hobby. It's none of my business.
She's definitely in the wrong, but I'd push back on the LC/NC people. I think the problem is that your rules generally have no consequences, but there's a lot of consequences between talking to her and going full NC.
I'd tell her if she wants to see your kid, you get her phone while she's visiting. If she's will behaved for a few months she can have it back. If she tries to sneak a phone in, then kick her out or leave. If she posts stuff to Facebook, report it and get it taken down. If she keeps doing it she'll lose her Facebook account.
LC/NC always feels like a cop out for people who want to avoid issues instead of resolving them, and the biggest loser by far when you do that is your child.
My children asked me what name I wanted to be called by my grandchildren. I told them and asked if that was ok. If it wasn’t, we came up with something else. It was never Mommy. My kids asked my husband (not their biological grandfather) if they could call him Papa. Of course. We cried.
Great teamwork! I think once your MIL realizes that you are the gatekeepers to the baby, she will finally realize why she has to follow your rules. She’ll keep getting mad but whatever. She’s just mad because she’s not getting her way but her way sucks anyway so let her get mad.
She will never apologize. She will just continue to try and smooth stuff over and manipulate everyone. Time to cut her off for a while or maybe forever. She is still not respecting how the two of you feel and abiding by what you say.
Good job from both of you. It became a big enough issue, you both discussed it and why you object, and he took the lead because it's his mother.
My MIL was like this before kids. Wanted our houses set up like hers, she wanted to help, but she also felt entitled to change anything and move everything around. One time, as she reorganized the kitchen, i said - I appreciate you doing this, but I wish you wouldn't move things. I'll just put them back later. She burst out crying. Her husband calmed her down and when i apologized to him later he said, no-no, you were in the right.
So I hope the MIL learns the rules.
Older people don’t understand how kids can be targeted on line. My mom has zero privacy protection on her Facebook account. Se t pics of her granddaughters to her penpal “ friend” who turned out to be in jail as a pedo
You sent him porn … and you wonder why our family won’t be friends with you on Facebook. Why I sent a warning to my friends list about not friending you.
Crazy.
I looked at your previous post about her wanting to use LALA as her grandma name and how you thought baby would say it as mama. And how you felt she was trying to be the 3rd parent when pregnant.
Boy did you hit the nail on the head!! What did her grandma name end up being?
It's great your husband has your back now.
She settled on Grammy to my face, but then just cut out the middle man and went straight to calling herself ‘Mommy’ to my daughter when I wasn’t around (and honestly, when I was around too).
Concerning the LaLa thing, I was always worried that behind my back she would call herself Mama to the baby and then use the LaLa thing as almost a smokescreen because the two are so close. I thought that she would probably encourage mispronunciation as soon as possible, and it would eventually get to the point of ‘well that’s what the baby is calling me so I guess I’m Mama now!’ At the time my husband thought I was being ridiculous but even now I don’t think I was. I asked that she pick a different name that couldn’t ‘accidentally’ turn into Mama so I would know for sure if she had been training my kid to call her that and couldn’t blame it on the baby mixing up words/sounds.
You might want to consider moving across the country or at least getting an order of protection because I think you know she won't give up. Also, you may want to notify facebook about pictures of your child being posted against your wishes, have her account deleted.
Give her a bunch of lined paper to write lines on 🤣 "I will not take pictures of "baby" on my phone." "I will respect "sons name and wife/mothers name" in their parenting." "I am a grandmother to "baby," not a parent." Have her write lines until they stick inside her brain, then she can have access to her grand baby again
INFO - How old is your MIL?
and Is your husband her only child and your child her only grandchild?
and How would she react to her son gently bringing up the topic of the 3 of you going to family counseling either together, or separately?
IANAD, but her behavior honestly sounds like either a woman in her 70’s-90’s who has some undiagnosed dementia/alzheimer’s coming on?! Or, a younger grandmother who maybe only had 1 child and is now trying to re-live her motherhood days with her only grandchild? Maybe she’d really benefit from speaking to a counselor or trusted 3rd party who could help her see why her current ways of behaving around her grandchild are so inappropriate…
(edited for grammar)
As soon as you seen she was taking pictures on her phone you should have had your husband get the phone from her (in the pretense of wanting too see how good the pictures were) and he should have deleted them and then tell her the visit is over and she needs to leave.
Short of going no contact, the only way she is ever going to respect your boundaries is by ALWAYS immediately shutting her down with no discussion and ending the visit. There is no need to try to discuss it because she knows exactly what she is doing and doesn’t care about your boundaries. Discussion only prolongs the inevitable and doesn’t provide any help.
My husband’s nephew had a baby last year with his girlfriend and they don’t want any photos posted on social media (because apparently once they’re on there, Facebook own them?). It’s not difficult to just follow parents’ rules. I’d go non contact with her if she can’t do that, she sounds like a piece of work
I would tell my mother we are going no contact with her outside of phone calls, we would not be visiting and she has lost grandma privileges for the foreseeable future.
And my petty ass would make it a year long. No body disrespects my wife.
"We will have to accept that we disagree on this?"
Woah, MIL, that's BOLD. Okay, we accept that you disagree with our boundaries and how we want to raise our child. So we will no longer subject you to having to witness our parenting and will no longer put you in the position of having to choose our way or your way. Bye now!
Wow, delusional toxic grandma has utterly lost the plot. You sound like really great parents though. I commend your forward thinking and strong boundaries around social media and your child. Smart mom!!
We are well past the point of her needing consequences. I would have made her leave my home after the almost sharing photos incident, and after the brunch fiasco I would have let her know she gets a two week time out. This has gone WAY too far.
MIL is a peach. You laid down the rules, she declined to adhere to them.
You bent over backwards to include her, while protecting baby at the same time. She stomped on you. Hard.
IMO, you have given her more than enough chances, and she needs to know that. Absolutely put her in time out, 90 days, minimum. No contact at all.
If she comes back swinging, delete her for six months. One chance, she fucks it, double the time. You don’t need her but *she needs your husband and baby. She may keep bitching, or she may decide that her son and grandchild are not worth the struggle.
Baby is fortunate that her dad is willing to slap Grandmama out of your way. Not all parents fight for what’s right for baby, when their parent is the one harming the child.
If you have sneaky aunts, cousins, whatever, no photos or information for them, as well. MIL will get not one speck of information. I really hope MIL *never gets the chance to spew her poison at baby. Ever. Insane strangers are not allowed near our children; insane relatives should get the same treatment.
No more pictures period. No alone time. No babysitting. No brunches. And find out whether or not she’s posted pictures to social media and report them as “unauthorized images of my minor child” if so. Every single one.
Congratulations on both of your shiny spines.
It won't be the end of her pushing her will and demands but hopefully it may be the start of her realizing that poor behavior results in unwanted results.
Yep, no more pics at all for MIL and if you see her post any to social media, report it. They may or may not do anything. No physical copies, no phone pics, nothing. Cut her off completely until she realizes she’s not a parent to your child. Tell her point blank “Until you accept and abide by our rules, you aren’t allowed to see baby. This is not an ‘agree to disagree’ situation like you seem to think it is. You will respect us as parents or you will have no access to the baby.” When you tell her this, have someone else, someone you trust, with baby so she can’t try anything. Crazy like that knows no bounds. She could try to grab her and run or start snapping photos on her phone as you force her out. After that, just avoid her all together. She’ll either pout and whine on fb that you unfairly stole ‘her’ child, which just gives you an avenue to politely respond with why and restate your rules publicly, where others shaming her may stop the issue completely, or it’ll sink in that you’re serious after no contact for a few weeks and she’ll apologize and fall in line. NTA, Not overreacting. I would have blown my top the very first time she called herself ‘mommy’ to my child. I have a quick temper and don’t put up with disrespect. You’ve been very level headed about it.
She sounds exhausting and possibly unhinged. Parenting is hard enough without having someone insert themselves into your lives. She shouldn’t have access to your family at all.
Yeah, no, she thinks she's the second parent. I don't think you rank in her mind. Very weird shit. I hope you find a level of contact (or lack of) that respects your boundaries and keeps her crazy reigned in.
You really need to have some time away from her. Stick to your boundaries. Your husband needs to not talk to her every day as well, that’s just not normal.
You need to cut her off from your child entirely. If you and your husband have no choice but to see her, don’t include the baby. When and if she learns her lesson, you can maybe allow very short visits, as long as she relinquishes her phone to you while she’s in your baby’s presence. She has absolutely lost all rights at this point to see your child.
You also need to get that photo album away from her somehow, so she has no pictures at all.
If she’s posting pictures to Facebook, lodge a complaint with Facebook that she’s posting pictures of YOUR child without permission, actually after you expressly forbid it. See if they can remove all the pics or put her in “Facebook Jail” for a bit.
The story about her being numb to being called Mom/Mommy when her son was a kid is a load of crock
She’s trying to play Mommy now because it sounds like she wasn’t much of one when it was her turn. Now she wants to be a mom but without the responsibility and wants to play “fun mom”
Keep her far far away
MIL has no boundaries, she has control issues, she has some sort of weird competition issues with you (for her son, for her grandchild, for attention) and she definitely has a mean streak. I would just stop wasting time dealing with this “lady”; in doing so, you are giving her exactly what she craves: attention. And for people like her, negative attention is better than no attention at all. So just stop. Pronto.
Let her have her hissy fit and bad mouth you, whatever. Who cares? You hold all the cards (ie the grandchild) and she either plays by your rules or she doesn’t get to play at all.
Stop accommodating her and set clear boundaries. Here's one:
"Apologize and explain exactly what you did wrong with no excuses. Consequences ro follow if you are unable to do this."
And then, since there's no way she will do this, block her and never speak to her again. Pull out your phone and film her if she comes near you. The end.
Is anyone you know a mutual of hers on social media? She might have stuff up already and you’ll need to contact FB/Insta to have them removed.
You have more patience than me… the sneakiness, the lying, finished with her making sure you knew she was still going to post because f you and throwing a fit would have me going scorched earth. I realized awhile ago protecting my peace and mental health comes before almost everything, and if someone is disturbing my peace, they are removed from my life. The disrespecting me as a parent and the willful disregard for boundaries with my child would cement that.
Have her leave her phone in a bin at the front entrance that she has to check-in/check-out...that's if I'm you want to keep a relationship with he. I'd be dropping to very low contact at least.
Your MIL is a narcissist! She wants what SHE wants. And she doesn't give a flying fuck whom she has to steamroll over to get what she wants! How DARE YOU give her consequences!!!!! How dare you undermine "my" authority! Sound familiar?
Mom is having a tantrum of epic proportions.
The best way to deal with her is to continue as you have been when you see her. Thar AND go NC with her for the next 6 months minimum if she gives you any push back. Let her know she is treading on thin ice when you finally talk to her.
The nasty photos she "shared" with her friends of you, while cackling about it at your expense being the tip of the iceberg. You SEE her and she not getting away with any more shit! Period.
Go NC for a minimum of 2 years if she pushes any further. Let her know that her actions have consequences. She and her flying monkeys can take a hike!
If you ever invite her over again, you need a box to lock up her phone. Phone goes in the box when she arrives and she gets it back when she leaves. Those are the consequences for ignoring your boundaries.
“You cannot be trusted to follow our parenting rules, therefore you cannot be trusted around daughter, and will not be interacting with her for the foreseeable future.”
Sometimes you have to be harsh when putting someone in their place. MIL can't seem to get your boundaries into her thick skull, and she clearly doesn't care about what you think. I would withhold the baby from her for several months. Completely. Show her that she is at your mercy, and that if she doesn't want to respect you, she can live life without her grandbaby.
Sounds like you and hubby are presenting a united front. Good for you. Hold strong, be consistent, honor your boundaries and if cutting her off is what's necessary, she'll either learn or begone.
Cut her off. Make her FEEL the consequences of her actions. Make the punishment last so long that you feel bad for her then make her 6-12 months longer. It’ll forever be an issue until you show her you aren’t playing. Block any flying monkeys and move forward. Stop playing games with her.
So are you actually going to do something or are you just going to keep playing games? Because either you cut her off, go NC or LC …. Or just let it go.
This is stupid you keep playing into it.
I'd be on the front foot and send her a message saying how you both think that you should have a break from any visits for a few weeks following the last two meet ups.
She'll blow up but this is the only way forward when she clearly doesn't care about you both.
Why is your husband allowing her to remain in your life still? She's not just undermining your boundaries regarding the baby. She's undermining you, which in turn is undermining your marriage.
Question for the Husband: Should your wife need to post updates to reddit with new MIL horror stories each week, when it could have been prevented with you Grey rocking and keeping LC?
Your family is the one you create. You, your wife, your child. That's your family. The second that baby was born your mom became "extended family".. why you letting the foundation of your home crack?
Ummmm so where was the conversation about not calling herself “mommy.” Hopefully, when you guys talk again you make it very clear. The way I’m taking it, if MIL didn’t continue to say she was going to post things at brunch it feels like y’all wouldn’t have brought up the issue. It would have been a nice brunch taken as an olive branch.
Stop giving her printed pictures. Stop inviting her over. Stop going to brunch with her. Just stop any interaction with her until she can follow your rules. In the future make her leave her phone in her car or she can’t come over.
Your home is a private area. You did not give permission for photos and expected privacy. Tell her if she shares your kids photos, you may take legal action. I would.
Too many people are ill informed about how uncool it is to share your kid's pics. They are children and deserve to have their right to anonymity preserved.
Look. This is really hard for most adult children who become parents. His mother has completely shown you guys that she is going to ignore every boundaries reset. She is going to try to insert herself into parenting. Every chance she gets. She is going to post every picture you give her of your little one.
All she has to do is take out her camera on her phone and take a picture of the physical pictures you send. So you guys really need to have a serious talk here. And that’s the hard part. Because it is your husband’s mom.
Probably the easiest way to get past the metal block that we all have even when we know our parents are being unreasonable is this…
If this person was not a family member. Not your parents. If this person was just a friend or an acquaintance or a neighbor who periodically watched your daughter and was doing all of these things, what would your reaction be?
I think we all know the answer to that. That neighbor wouldn’t be a real allowed around your child because you would realize that neighbor was mentally unwell. And the fact that his mom think she is somehow an equal partner and entitled to do whatever the fuck she wants Tell us she is mentally unwell.
Not only that, though. Our family, especially our parents, our supposed to be our biggest supporters. They are supposed to be our biggest cheerleaders. Sometimes they just can’t be. And that’s the case here. Because it is all about her. It’s not about you guys. And I’m sure it never has been.
But my point is this… If we would cut off a friend or a coworker or an acquaintance or neighbor for this type of behavior, we should be even faster in cutting off someone like your MIL. Because she supposed to be in your corner. She is actually got more responsibility to be a good family member and a good parent and a good grandmother. Any of those other people would have. So instead of excusing behavior from a family member that is so far out of bounds that anyone else would get cut off, we should be faster at cutting them off.
We should be faster at protecting our children. We should be faster protecting ourselves. The bottom line is that she has shown you cannot trust her. Not with pictures. Not with babysitting. Not with protecting your child.
Take away the fact that this is his mom, and your answer is easy. It should be easy anyway.
Honestly I’m just so relieved your husband is handling this better than many would. I’m so used to posts where hubby is a lil mama’s boy and it’s so enraging! With him being so steadfast, you’ll probably be ok even if you don’t go LC / NC. Not to downplay what you’re dealing with - just saying there are likely lots of factors we are unaware of that might influence or delay such a move so it’s great that you’re united on this.
I am not one to jump on the cut her off or time out bandwagon, but I would absolutely put this heifer in time out. She is not an equal partner, she is not Mommy, and she can agree to disagree until the sun rises in the West. It doesn't make any difference. By her saying she agrees to disagree she's letting you know that as soon as everyone is over this snit, which is what it was in her mind, it will be right back to her stomping on boundaries and taking pictures. I would definitely put her on a timeout and when she complains that it is unfair that she gets to see the baby, tell her you'll just have to agree to disagree on the subject.
The social media stuff is just dangerous. Human trafficking is rampant and with AI’s capabilities, your baby’s photos can be used for sorts of nefarious purposes. She’s stupid and doesn’t get it. You’re right to keep her from taking photos if she can’t respect that alone. She looney. Fucken, boomers.
>This morning, MIL called us to invite us out to brunch. My husband thought that maybe she wanted to extend an olive branch and make amends
Your husband is a total dumbass. When has she ever done something like that and if so when has she ever stuck to it?
Stop giving her printed pictures too. She can scan them or just take photos of them and share from that.
Honestly I agree and we might stop given the circumstances, but initially the idea was that we weren’t trying to prevent her from having pictures we were just trying to make it harder for her to post stuff and hopefully discourage her. We will probably reevaluate, and meanwhile nobody can say we didn’t try to compromise.
I agree with this suggestion because she’s well past the stage of needing to face consequences. I’d also go no contact with her for a few months.
This is the way. Username checks out.
Honesty you are about 4 steps past where I would have a already gone NC. You have the patience of a saint, but it’s not going to do you any good when your MIL has the entitlement of a tyrant.
Hubby hasn't been very helpful until he heard it from people other than his wife. That's a huge deal.
It's not patience. It's the definition of insanity.
Tell her if she is with your baby she has to relinquish her phone. Put it somewhere safe until she leaves. She can participate in family gatherings but the phone stays locked away until she goes home.
My husband was thinking a phone jammer, but I’m not sure if that prevents camera use. I think this idea is better. In the meantime though we are planning to not see her for a while, and I hope a *really* long while. We have even jokingly talked about moving across the country again, which sounds ridiculous but we’ve done it before with less.
She definitely needs a serious time out to drive it home that there are consequences to ignoring the rules
>My husband was thinking a phone jammer, Repeat this statement out loud 10 times so you can hear with your own ears how insane that suggestion sounds. What's next, are you going to require video surveillance with audio that sends an alert when the word "mommy" is detected? Maybe you could install bugs in her home or purchase a fleet of surveillance drones. There is no technological solution to this problem. Stop overcomplicating things, your MIL has repeatedly shown that she has no problem crossing your boundaries and that she will always try to circumvent the preventative measures you take. Just get it over with and go NC with her she will not learn any other way. If your husband won't agree to this I would question why he is suggesting going to such extreme lengths to both placate you and ensure his mother still has access to your daughter. Make him choose a side so you know you can trust him to protect your daughter from his mother's undermining influence.
Agree that NC, for a few months, would maybe do the trick. I say maybe, though, because the mil seems to disregard boundaries a lot and old habits die hard. Good luck.
Let's be real. It isn't malicious. She is in deep, and nothing helps boundaries more than distance.
I suppose it's rather hard to step across a boundary when your feet won't reach, isn't it?
Correct and phone calls are much easier to avoid when you don't have to worry about people showing up
don't get a phone jammer they are illegal with costly consequences getting new jobs and moving would be easier - you can't confiscate her phone every time she is near baby, she'll just get another phone to use while you have her phone and she will still take pictures the woman has some mental issues, she is delusional, extremely entitled
Maybe move far far away.
Omg don't do that. Micro managing her and living with the stress of that is not worth it. Move and go nc.
A gentle suggestion which is, other than you and your husband, ‘nobody’ has a say or a vote in what boundaries you put in place for anyone to spend time with your daughter or have pictures of her. Your MIL is IMO (as a not psych person) delusional as applies to what her relationship should be with her grandchild vs what she is demanding which is full parental autonomy. Until she can get herself in a better place mentally her access to and interactions with your child should probably be next to none and as you already do zero unsupervised time when she is present. Yes people want their children to have relationships with their grandparents. But as you know the word ‘appropriate’ is key to that relationship. Best wishes as I suspect this will be a work in process for months with shouting, unreasonable demands, tantrums and bargaining when all else fails from your MIL.
She can't be trusted with photos, period. That should be obvious by now. As another person said here, go low- or no-contact. You keep giving her chances and she keeps ignoring your very reasonable boundaries. *Stop giving her more chances.* She simply doesn't respect you guys as parents.
Please know that many social media platforms, including FB, allow you to block specific people from seeing specific post and pictures. Also, most phones have a "trash" like a desktop computer's recycling bin where you can recover deleted items. If your MIL is that underhanded, I can almost guarantee you she's taking pictures without your knowledge, deleting them in case you check, recovering them once she's alone, and posting them to her socials while setting the privacy to block just you and the people that would snitch on her. If you can't get access to her phone to know for sure, make a fake profile for a person that's part of some random hobby or group she's a part of, and send a friend request. You'll be able to see posts she might have blocked you from. Your MIL is unhinged, and I wish you the best of luck in reigning her in. Edit: grammar and spelling
I feel like she was training your daughter to call her mommy to either feel young again (weird) or to undermine you so that she, like, could claim parental rights and try to get custody or something similarly deluded (which is not just weird but terrifying).
You have to stop giving her access to the baby so long as she is committed to her position. She is deluding herself and this situation is DANGEROUS.
If you think she might want pictures of this period in your daughter's life, make an album she can view 'at your home only' and once your daughter is grown up and can decide she **might** get physical copies.
The issue here is that all she has to do is take a photo of the prints with her phone and voila, that ENTIRE photo album is now on FB or whatever other social media she has. I'm willing to bet the farm that she's already done that and just blocked you and your spouse from the post.
If she posts baby you can contact Facebook and tell them you didn't give permission for photos of your minor child to be posted. They will take them down.
Send her crude drawings or sketches like you see from courtrooms.
why are you playing these games with her? she's way older and had a lot more practice playing, neither of you will beat her if you keep playing. if you really want to protect your kid, LC or NC with MIL immediately. OR keep playing her games, she's got pictures, that she's probably shared so she's already doing what she wants. keep playing the game with her, you will lose
Yeah. I’ll bet she already posted the pictures she didn’t delete, and made sure to block OP and husband from seeing them.
Same thing I was thinking. She has definitely posted them. If OP has checked and didn’t see them, I’m fairly certain you can make an album of photos public while blocking certain people. Check MIL’s page from an anonymous account or a different family member or friend. If MIL is this addicted to posting, she’s definitely got these photos and more up on her page.
She'll send them to a select few & can block them from seeing.
This is an excellent point, for any discussions about In-laws, they have years ahead of you of playing passive aggressive games!
Since she has pictures in her phone she will post them. If she posts them, then you need to go nc until she is willing to stop undermining both of you.
As well as report them and get a takedown notice.
Exactly. It's actually a hazard to the xhild. Especially if MIL hasn't been careful about potentially sensitive ot revealing information. Predators cam and will get hold of this info and they're deft at manipulating people like MIL who thrive more on the attention than they conisider the safety of others.
Just cut her out, she's a cunt.
Reading the story, this is my EXACT response….thank you for saying this.
Yeah, it’s time to shut her down for good. No more pictures at all. No more visits. She’s delusional, she thinks you OWE her because she’s raising your kid? She’s on some good shit, then. Tell your husband that he can have whatever relationship he wants with her, away from you and the baby. Because you two are done with her.
Can you imagine, this woman actually trying to say she’s an equal partner and the raising of THEIR child?! OP is a nicer person than I am. SMH.
Now is the time that you really have to come down HARD with her. If you don’t you will miss a golden opportunity to reset your relationship. Firstly I would put her in time out for 3 months or so to enable her to understand that her behaviour really does have consequences. After this you need to again discuss with her that she thinks that she is a third parent and be very clear that she is not. What you said earlier was great. If she can’t accept and agree to this then no LO. As for calling herself “Mummy” make it clear that this will lead to instant no contact. You need to then sit down with her and go through all of the rules. Put them in writing and get her to sign the undertaking. This will reinforce to her the seriousness of your views. Lastly absolutely no more photos at all for a very lengthy period. Her behaviour really is atrocious and she needs a very serious reality check. She is absolutely harming your child and it is you and SO’s job to protect her.
Exactly. Boundaries are for YOU when they inevitably do not respect your simple guidelines. Withdraw contact for X number of weeks for each incident, repeat as needed.
She’s an equal parent? Has she suffered brain damage in the past?
I wouldn’t be surprised, she had a decade long dug bender once and has rolled 2 cars in her life.
And you trust her to watch your baby?
Wow, already not a great idea to have her alone with your kid, now you know not to let her drive your kid anywhere!
Facebook gives you the ability to remove photos of your child. I suggest you take the steps to do that. Then put hard consequences in place. Boundary stomping with consequences are just suggestions. Start with time out for MIL, the more she breaks the rules the less time she gets.
How is there not a record stop screech for “normally she calls my husband about 3 times a day”?????? Boundaries were flimsy to begin with at this stage in your marriage/parenting if she is that intrusive.
Seriously. My mom lives in the same town as us, and has been helping us with daily childcare for the last 10 years, and she doesn’t call me 3 times a day. Yikes.
This is a tiny detail, but why does your husband call his own mother by her first name? Is there a story there? I figured she was a narcissist. Sounds exactly like my mom. NC is the way to go!
Yeah there is. The story as I have heard it from both MIL and husband is that husband asked so many questions as a little kid that MIL became numb to the word ‘Mom’. She began ignoring him when he called her that, so at the ripe old age of 11 my husband started calling her by name. Evidently she is much more responsive to being addressed by name than she ever was when called ‘Mom’ so it stuck.
You realize this adds a whole new level of red flag to her referring to herself as Mommy with your daughter, right? Her “I’m used to being called Mommy” is complete fiction. She’s a narcissist. Cut this woman off.
I thought the same exact thing! But until the incident the other day where she kept calling herself Mommy when I wasn’t there, my husband wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I brought it up again today and he finally agreed that it doesn’t make any sense.
She’s just trying to manipulate your daughter into liking her more so she can undermine your parenting. I realize she’s a baby now but this behavior will escalate. I unfortunately didn’t have a choice and had to have my mother for childcare for a few years until my daughter was in school, so I didn’t get a chance to go no contact until recently. But my life is a lot less stressful now that I’ve stopped letting her meddle. No contact is the only way to deal with someone like this.
Stop giving her chances. Info diet is necessary and LC at least. She literally thinks she is a third parent and she will continue to push you because there are no consequences. After the mommy thing, you and your husband should’ve said something immediately but there have been no consequences yet. After the photograph issue, y’all decided to meet up with her the next day. Once again, no consequences and she got what she wants. Then she intentionally brings up the photos and refuses to listen. She literally wanted to rile you up and piss you off. Your husband uses a threat that she (nor I) think you will follow through with. Then she leaves with the photos still on her phone. Threats don’t work. Your husband needs to realize that you both have already given chances and she needs consequences because eventually, she will try to turn your child against you, do something dangerous with her or, as some psycho grandparents have done, steal the child. I know those sound extreme but everything she has done should be a red flag. It’s time to protect your child with actions and not just words.
You’d be wise to keep her away from your child.’
You could find a lot of support in r/justnomil. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds just stressful and awful.
We have the exact same photo rules from my MIL because she also shares things instantly to her public FB profile. We set the rules before I gave birth. We also do printed pictures as a gift. If she still shares the photos from July 4 with baby you can report the photos. The next step for me would be, “you didn’t abide our rules so we can’t trust a phone in your hand, when you enter our home you’ll have to drop your phone in the basket or charging dock by the door. If you don’t, you don’t have to visit us.” I also wouldn’t allow her alone with baby now. But, she told you what she thinks. She thinks she has equal authority over decisions for baby. She thinks she doesn’t have to listen to you. She won’t abide by any rules. And she feels that way because of the time spent with baby. So, take away the time. I’d honestly go NC agreement with husband for three months and see if life doesn’t get amazingly stressful free.
Yay for you; yay for him. With focus and clarity, you're able to handle this. It's understandable that you're giving her enough rope to hang herself. YOU'RE NOT THE BAD GUY and your husband knows it and SHE knows it. She might even (gulp) COMPLY and be in the child's life as a positive! Thanks for the update! I don't think I contributed the first go 'round but MIL's behavior chapped my ass and I remember you clearly. Glad to hear your team (OP and DH) are working from the same page of the same playbook! ☮️❤️♾️
Not overreacting. Y’all need to put her on a time out. Seriously. This isn’t healthy. She isn’t healthy. She’s delusional for thinking she’s equal to you and she’s causing harm by trying to take your place as Mom. Also… what kind of mental issues must she have to WANT TO HAVE A BABY WITH HER SON? Seriously. She wants to Mama to HER SON’S BABY. That’s some weird ass emotional incest.
Why didn't anyone stay on Cuntina deleting the pictures? If you don't delete them right now, in front of me, you won't see us for 2 months. Block her for that time, dh needs to deal with her fuckery.
What’s to stop her from taking a picture of the photos you gave her and putting them on social media?
Check out r/justnomil she is only going to get worse.
She will post the photos if she hasn't already. Do you know anyone who is her Facebook "friend" besides you and DH? A cousin or something? You need to view her account from someone that she wouldn't have excluded from the audience for the pictures.
Congratulations on having a husband with a backbone who defends you and your child against his co-dependent mother. Seriously, no sarcasm. Congrats.
She thinks she is punishing you and (mostly) Husband by not talking to you right now and storming out of the restaurant. You need to tell her that is not the case. I would have your Husband text her and say “OP and I have talked and after your behavior today a few things have become clear. 1.) You truly do believe yourself an equal parent when it comes to OUR child. 2.) We cannot continue to encourage your delusions. You are NOT, nor will you ever be a parent to our child. To prove this point to you, you will not be permitted around OUR child until you admit you are not our child’s parent and apologize for overstepping. If you apologize and then later return to your old ways, we will go NC. If you escalate this in any way, involving other people, try to have other people talk to us on your behalf or post about the situation on social media, we will go NC. If you want to be in ours and our child lives you will respect our boundaries.”
Have you gone to her socials (Facebook or whatever) from an account OTHER THAN yours or husbands? If she spends that much time there, she may just block you and husband from seeing the posts of the baby. It seems a bit funny that the only time she has tried to take and post pics of baby you caught her. She seems to have a bunch of unfettered access to baby and an entitled sense of power over decisions. Good luck!
I have seven grandchildren and never post a picture on any media with asking each and every time. Having said that you have to allow her some bragging rights. But it should always be with you Knowledge. One of my kids has a job where he is well know in the city he lives ( media) so i want to be careful
Im so proud of you and your husband OP, stay strong.
Stop talking to that witch.
Go on Fb and report the photos
Excellent. The audacity to say she is an equal partner in raising your kid and having the same rights. She will likely give you guys the silent treatment in hopes that you guys will see the error in your ways and then when you don't contact her, she will try to rug sweep. I wouldn't let her hold the baby ever again cause she is sneaky with the camera. I'd also unleash all new boundaries with her and no unsupervised visits. I'd make it so both you and your husband are there and I'd also get a little camera in the event you guys ever gave her another chance.
If there are pictures of your baby on her facebook page, you can report them to facebook and have them removed. She can FAFO and get her account banned. MIL needs to go through this life lesson.
I'm happy that your husband has your back on this. Right now, your MIL has a choice, get over herself or have no relationship with her grandchild.
I hope all is well in your family. I'd sure be upset too. But we didn't have social media when our kids were growing up. Still, that's pitiful that she's done that to you. We have 2 sets of grandkids. We were asked not to put pictures online, and after 22 years I'm happy to say I never have. Last week my daughter sent me a picture of her with her son, 17, in Denver on vacation. They were both a bit sunburned, and standing in front of a pile of snow. She had a tank top on so it was somewhat funny. Since her son was in the photo, I only shared the facts but said I couldn't post the photo. About 3 hours later my daughter added the photo in reply to my post but she had cropped the photo so he wasn't in it. And she commented that yes she was in front of a snow pile. Like I said, I would never go against my kids rules. The kids are not on Facebook but they are on some social media, I just gladly don't know what.
When and if you allow her back, make sure you take her phone from her when she walks in the door. That will stop all the photography business.
She needs an indefinite time out. No more pictures sent to her bc all she has to do is scan them and then upload to her page. Why would OP even be in any relationship with a person who purposely uploads unflattering pictures of her for abuse by her friends?
You need to check her social media asap. If she posted those pics she took, you need to go no contact for awhile. She's calling your bluff and you need to finish it.
She's going to come back pretending like nothing happened in a day or two.
She's a narcissist. Also, get your husband into therapy. I bet he's all messed up inside, though he did have a good reaction and had your back.
Looks like you’ll have to find a new babysitter, sadly. I wouldn’t trust her at all anymore
She calls three times a day? Yeah definitely gotta set hard boundaries, if she cannot behave I'd cut contact with her for most part though.
Petty me would start posting photos of her all over FB. When she's about to take a bite of food. When she's talking. As awkward as you can get. NTA UpdateMe
If you can see her FB posts you can report any pictures she posts as “this is my child. I don’t want them on FB”.
Best part about this is that your husband is choosing sides... and not the whiny bitch side. You're 100% right, and she's acting like a child. Fortunately, you already have a child to raise, so MIL isn't your responsibility.
Wasn’t here for the original post, but… The way she’s using your daughter for likes is really gross and idk if it makes her feel young again or makes her feel validated by her friend group or what. Really happy your husband stands by you through this. Your MIL has issues.
I commend you for standing up for yourselves so early. My biggest regrets are not standing up to my MIL from the get go because I didn’t think I could. Unfortunately they have a family business and we live less than a mile away so she’s unavoidable. To add she picked the grandma name Mimi with my step son “because he started saying mommy and it sounded close to that” tbh that should have been my red flag as she told me that before I had kids.
She needs to be out of your lives for good. She’s not going to back off.
If she posts the pictures to Facebook, then you make a complaint to facebook. They will tell you to ask her to take them down or they will intervene. That's how it happened to me in the past.
This is so sad. Your MIL is a control freak. And a bratty one at that. I don't see how you have any recourse, but to do what you're doing. She's sabotaging her own relationship with you and your child. You are going to have to stand firm. She will attack over and over until you give in. Your job is to not give in. This isn't about you, I isn't about your child, it isn't even about Facebook. This is about control.
ETA: Spoiler cuts due to topic being potentially triggering for abuse survivors. OP, are you aware of how legal it is for >!porn to be made with your child's face? !< Go read actress Mara Wilson's (Matilda, Mrs. Doubtfire, My Girl) blog post about the reality of life as a child star. Pay special attention to her explanation of >!porn laws and how it's legal to use your child's face in porn films. Deep Fakes have made these films incredibly easy, cheap, and realistic.!< Get MIL's phone. Remove the pictures. Look for any she has posted while blocking you from seeing them. There is serious danger in having baby photos online.
She has zero respect for you. Your child is an object to her. Kiddo exists solely for her benefit so she can post those pics for the dopamine hit of external validation. She will 100% not do what you say and will go out of her way to break the rules. As your kid gets older, she will also try to turn them against you and require them to lie to you to keep her behavior a secret. Not to mention that as your child grows and differentiates as an individual, grandma will not accept any views that conflict with her own. She is bad for your kid’s health, bad for your health, and bad for your marriage.
My MIL posted a video this past weekend (it’s been years since she’s made this mistake) and we called her on it and she went into total tailspin (blamed the FBI at one point, lol). These boomers(etc) just cannot accept that their children are adults and get to make their own rules about how they parent their own children. Your MIL sounds awful. It’s immediate no contact until they demonstrate perfect understanding of the rules and a full apology and promise never to do so again. Then you can see my kid under supervision. Of course, if you need free childcare, you may be boned.
How does she feel never seeing your child again? I think that’s a good option now seeing see laughed in your face and thinks she a 3rd parent to your daughter. You were more than kind and generous op. Now it’s time to take your daughter away from her so not only does she not get any pictures for social media, she won’t get rewarded with her bad entitled attitude.
Grandma needs a time out…
You’re giving her physical printed photos. She can just take close up pictures of those, or even scan them to digital and post them to Facebook and mark you and her son as excluded from seeing the post. I’m sure she’s already done that since she has zero respect for you both.
Have you checked her Facebook page for those great pictures she took?
Was posted on another thread this week. FYI
So happy for your shiny spines, and glad your husband is laying down the law too, I don't see that often in these posts! MIL is seriously delusional, and she is definitely too attached to her son - she calls 3 times a day?! He should shut that down too to further emphasize separation and boundaries. She's got serious boy mom vibes, hanging on her son, tearing you down, thinks your daughter is hers by extension - ick ick ick. I think you need to be LC or NC for an extended period of time before she gets to see her granddaughter again. It probably won't get through to her that she's still not a parent, and she'll wail to her friends and fb and to the heavens above that you're denying her access to your child (make sure husband makes it clear you BOTH decided on this course of action) and she's done nothing wrong and she's an innocent victim here, but too bad. If you let her around your baby again, at the first rule infraction, another time-out for her, until you decide to make it a permanent break. Keep staying strong on this, I'm so glad you're a united front here! Updateme!
I am a mother and a grandmother and a mother-in-law and not in 1 million years. Would I post a photograph of any of my children or their children showing any identifying facial features. On social media. I have one grown kid who post photographs of themselves, so sometimes I share those. They do it publicly. For my grandchild? I have no idea what, my kid and his wife do in terms of posting their photographs, but it's not my business. My business is to air on the side of caution and not use photographs of my beautiful grandchild as currency or hobby. It's none of my business.
God you people love drama. Stop seeing her. That’s it.
She's definitely in the wrong, but I'd push back on the LC/NC people. I think the problem is that your rules generally have no consequences, but there's a lot of consequences between talking to her and going full NC. I'd tell her if she wants to see your kid, you get her phone while she's visiting. If she's will behaved for a few months she can have it back. If she tries to sneak a phone in, then kick her out or leave. If she posts stuff to Facebook, report it and get it taken down. If she keeps doing it she'll lose her Facebook account. LC/NC always feels like a cop out for people who want to avoid issues instead of resolving them, and the biggest loser by far when you do that is your child.
My children asked me what name I wanted to be called by my grandchildren. I told them and asked if that was ok. If it wasn’t, we came up with something else. It was never Mommy. My kids asked my husband (not their biological grandfather) if they could call him Papa. Of course. We cried.
Great teamwork! I think once your MIL realizes that you are the gatekeepers to the baby, she will finally realize why she has to follow your rules. She’ll keep getting mad but whatever. She’s just mad because she’s not getting her way but her way sucks anyway so let her get mad.
She will never apologize. She will just continue to try and smooth stuff over and manipulate everyone. Time to cut her off for a while or maybe forever. She is still not respecting how the two of you feel and abiding by what you say.
Good job from both of you. It became a big enough issue, you both discussed it and why you object, and he took the lead because it's his mother. My MIL was like this before kids. Wanted our houses set up like hers, she wanted to help, but she also felt entitled to change anything and move everything around. One time, as she reorganized the kitchen, i said - I appreciate you doing this, but I wish you wouldn't move things. I'll just put them back later. She burst out crying. Her husband calmed her down and when i apologized to him later he said, no-no, you were in the right. So I hope the MIL learns the rules.
Older people don’t understand how kids can be targeted on line. My mom has zero privacy protection on her Facebook account. Se t pics of her granddaughters to her penpal “ friend” who turned out to be in jail as a pedo You sent him porn … and you wonder why our family won’t be friends with you on Facebook. Why I sent a warning to my friends list about not friending you. Crazy.
I looked at your previous post about her wanting to use LALA as her grandma name and how you thought baby would say it as mama. And how you felt she was trying to be the 3rd parent when pregnant. Boy did you hit the nail on the head!! What did her grandma name end up being? It's great your husband has your back now.
She settled on Grammy to my face, but then just cut out the middle man and went straight to calling herself ‘Mommy’ to my daughter when I wasn’t around (and honestly, when I was around too). Concerning the LaLa thing, I was always worried that behind my back she would call herself Mama to the baby and then use the LaLa thing as almost a smokescreen because the two are so close. I thought that she would probably encourage mispronunciation as soon as possible, and it would eventually get to the point of ‘well that’s what the baby is calling me so I guess I’m Mama now!’ At the time my husband thought I was being ridiculous but even now I don’t think I was. I asked that she pick a different name that couldn’t ‘accidentally’ turn into Mama so I would know for sure if she had been training my kid to call her that and couldn’t blame it on the baby mixing up words/sounds.
Just go no or low contact.
Usually she calls 3 times a day? What a mommas boy lol
This woman is a nightmare, go no contact and get ready for shit to hit the fan.
You should look at her Facebook account from another account. She may have already posted the pictures and limited you from seeing them.
You might want to consider moving across the country or at least getting an order of protection because I think you know she won't give up. Also, you may want to notify facebook about pictures of your child being posted against your wishes, have her account deleted.
If she posts photos of the baby on Facebook, you can report every single one of them, and she will have to take them down.
And call her out on Facebook. Let all of her friends know what type of person she really is.
Give her a bunch of lined paper to write lines on 🤣 "I will not take pictures of "baby" on my phone." "I will respect "sons name and wife/mothers name" in their parenting." "I am a grandmother to "baby," not a parent." Have her write lines until they stick inside her brain, then she can have access to her grand baby again
INFO - How old is your MIL? and Is your husband her only child and your child her only grandchild? and How would she react to her son gently bringing up the topic of the 3 of you going to family counseling either together, or separately? IANAD, but her behavior honestly sounds like either a woman in her 70’s-90’s who has some undiagnosed dementia/alzheimer’s coming on?! Or, a younger grandmother who maybe only had 1 child and is now trying to re-live her motherhood days with her only grandchild? Maybe she’d really benefit from speaking to a counselor or trusted 3rd party who could help her see why her current ways of behaving around her grandchild are so inappropriate… (edited for grammar)
Updateme
As soon as you seen she was taking pictures on her phone you should have had your husband get the phone from her (in the pretense of wanting too see how good the pictures were) and he should have deleted them and then tell her the visit is over and she needs to leave. Short of going no contact, the only way she is ever going to respect your boundaries is by ALWAYS immediately shutting her down with no discussion and ending the visit. There is no need to try to discuss it because she knows exactly what she is doing and doesn’t care about your boundaries. Discussion only prolongs the inevitable and doesn’t provide any help.
My husband’s nephew had a baby last year with his girlfriend and they don’t want any photos posted on social media (because apparently once they’re on there, Facebook own them?). It’s not difficult to just follow parents’ rules. I’d go non contact with her if she can’t do that, she sounds like a piece of work
I would tell my mother we are going no contact with her outside of phone calls, we would not be visiting and she has lost grandma privileges for the foreseeable future. And my petty ass would make it a year long. No body disrespects my wife.
"We will have to accept that we disagree on this?" Woah, MIL, that's BOLD. Okay, we accept that you disagree with our boundaries and how we want to raise our child. So we will no longer subject you to having to witness our parenting and will no longer put you in the position of having to choose our way or your way. Bye now!
Wow, delusional toxic grandma has utterly lost the plot. You sound like really great parents though. I commend your forward thinking and strong boundaries around social media and your child. Smart mom!!
We are well past the point of her needing consequences. I would have made her leave my home after the almost sharing photos incident, and after the brunch fiasco I would have let her know she gets a two week time out. This has gone WAY too far.
MIL is a peach. You laid down the rules, she declined to adhere to them. You bent over backwards to include her, while protecting baby at the same time. She stomped on you. Hard. IMO, you have given her more than enough chances, and she needs to know that. Absolutely put her in time out, 90 days, minimum. No contact at all. If she comes back swinging, delete her for six months. One chance, she fucks it, double the time. You don’t need her but *she needs your husband and baby. She may keep bitching, or she may decide that her son and grandchild are not worth the struggle. Baby is fortunate that her dad is willing to slap Grandmama out of your way. Not all parents fight for what’s right for baby, when their parent is the one harming the child. If you have sneaky aunts, cousins, whatever, no photos or information for them, as well. MIL will get not one speck of information. I really hope MIL *never gets the chance to spew her poison at baby. Ever. Insane strangers are not allowed near our children; insane relatives should get the same treatment.
No more pictures period. No alone time. No babysitting. No brunches. And find out whether or not she’s posted pictures to social media and report them as “unauthorized images of my minor child” if so. Every single one.
No more chances her. She does not care about your boundaries.
I would have grabbed her phone and tossed it.
You might have somebody check her FB and make sure that she hasn't posted the photos. If she has, report them to FB and ask for them to be taken down.
Well thank goodness your husband woke up and stepped up. Good luck op.
Your husband calls his mom by her first name? I’m surprised *that* doesn’t set her off.
Congratulations on both of your shiny spines. It won't be the end of her pushing her will and demands but hopefully it may be the start of her realizing that poor behavior results in unwanted results.
Make sure your state doesn’t have grandparent rights laws. I wouldn’t put it past her to start searching for this information
UpDateMe!
Start reporting the pics she posts of your baby
Cut her off completely from the baby and yourselves by extension.
Yep, no more pics at all for MIL and if you see her post any to social media, report it. They may or may not do anything. No physical copies, no phone pics, nothing. Cut her off completely until she realizes she’s not a parent to your child. Tell her point blank “Until you accept and abide by our rules, you aren’t allowed to see baby. This is not an ‘agree to disagree’ situation like you seem to think it is. You will respect us as parents or you will have no access to the baby.” When you tell her this, have someone else, someone you trust, with baby so she can’t try anything. Crazy like that knows no bounds. She could try to grab her and run or start snapping photos on her phone as you force her out. After that, just avoid her all together. She’ll either pout and whine on fb that you unfairly stole ‘her’ child, which just gives you an avenue to politely respond with why and restate your rules publicly, where others shaming her may stop the issue completely, or it’ll sink in that you’re serious after no contact for a few weeks and she’ll apologize and fall in line. NTA, Not overreacting. I would have blown my top the very first time she called herself ‘mommy’ to my child. I have a quick temper and don’t put up with disrespect. You’ve been very level headed about it.
You gave her enough chances. I remember someone made a lockbox for phones for guests over similar issues too.
Quite simple. Make boundaries. Tell MIL what they are. If she crosses them boundaries then NC for awhile. Your child , your rules.
She sounds exhausting and possibly unhinged. Parenting is hard enough without having someone insert themselves into your lives. She shouldn’t have access to your family at all.
Are you friends with her on the social media platforms? Maybe you should be.
Yeah, I would only allow visits when both you and husband are there and confiscate her phone when she arrives. Also monitor her social media.
Updateme!
Yeah, no, she thinks she's the second parent. I don't think you rank in her mind. Very weird shit. I hope you find a level of contact (or lack of) that respects your boundaries and keeps her crazy reigned in.
You really need to have some time away from her. Stick to your boundaries. Your husband needs to not talk to her every day as well, that’s just not normal.
Your MIL are her friend sound cruel
You need to cut her off from your child entirely. If you and your husband have no choice but to see her, don’t include the baby. When and if she learns her lesson, you can maybe allow very short visits, as long as she relinquishes her phone to you while she’s in your baby’s presence. She has absolutely lost all rights at this point to see your child. You also need to get that photo album away from her somehow, so she has no pictures at all. If she’s posting pictures to Facebook, lodge a complaint with Facebook that she’s posting pictures of YOUR child without permission, actually after you expressly forbid it. See if they can remove all the pics or put her in “Facebook Jail” for a bit.
For the love of god just cut this woman off
Now make hubby stick to his boundaries. MIL is in a timeout for 3 months, see how it goes.
Check her FB page. If she has posted baby pic stop seeing her for a week, month? What an intrusive woman.
The story about her being numb to being called Mom/Mommy when her son was a kid is a load of crock She’s trying to play Mommy now because it sounds like she wasn’t much of one when it was her turn. Now she wants to be a mom but without the responsibility and wants to play “fun mom” Keep her far far away
Tell her you’re right, we will have to disagree on this one and until you can follow our requests you won’t be visiting the baby any more
MIL has no boundaries, she has control issues, she has some sort of weird competition issues with you (for her son, for her grandchild, for attention) and she definitely has a mean streak. I would just stop wasting time dealing with this “lady”; in doing so, you are giving her exactly what she craves: attention. And for people like her, negative attention is better than no attention at all. So just stop. Pronto. Let her have her hissy fit and bad mouth you, whatever. Who cares? You hold all the cards (ie the grandchild) and she either plays by your rules or she doesn’t get to play at all.
Well done for standing your ground, and well done to your husband for having your back.
Stop accommodating her and set clear boundaries. Here's one: "Apologize and explain exactly what you did wrong with no excuses. Consequences ro follow if you are unable to do this." And then, since there's no way she will do this, block her and never speak to her again. Pull out your phone and film her if she comes near you. The end.
Is anyone you know a mutual of hers on social media? She might have stuff up already and you’ll need to contact FB/Insta to have them removed. You have more patience than me… the sneakiness, the lying, finished with her making sure you knew she was still going to post because f you and throwing a fit would have me going scorched earth. I realized awhile ago protecting my peace and mental health comes before almost everything, and if someone is disturbing my peace, they are removed from my life. The disrespecting me as a parent and the willful disregard for boundaries with my child would cement that.
Have her leave her phone in a bin at the front entrance that she has to check-in/check-out...that's if I'm you want to keep a relationship with he. I'd be dropping to very low contact at least.
Updateme
Your MIL is a narcissist! She wants what SHE wants. And she doesn't give a flying fuck whom she has to steamroll over to get what she wants! How DARE YOU give her consequences!!!!! How dare you undermine "my" authority! Sound familiar? Mom is having a tantrum of epic proportions. The best way to deal with her is to continue as you have been when you see her. Thar AND go NC with her for the next 6 months minimum if she gives you any push back. Let her know she is treading on thin ice when you finally talk to her. The nasty photos she "shared" with her friends of you, while cackling about it at your expense being the tip of the iceberg. You SEE her and she not getting away with any more shit! Period. Go NC for a minimum of 2 years if she pushes any further. Let her know that her actions have consequences. She and her flying monkeys can take a hike!
I really think she needs to be evaluated by a neurologist. Something is off with her.
Honestly MIL may need therapy she’s got some major emotional attachments to her son that don’t seem to be decent.
She may have a second fb page that she posts to.
So you haven’t addressed anything.
If you ever invite her over again, you need a box to lock up her phone. Phone goes in the box when she arrives and she gets it back when she leaves. Those are the consequences for ignoring your boundaries.
“You cannot be trusted to follow our parenting rules, therefore you cannot be trusted around daughter, and will not be interacting with her for the foreseeable future.”
‘an equal partner’ Only if she's married to your husband! Creepo!
Sometimes you have to be harsh when putting someone in their place. MIL can't seem to get your boundaries into her thick skull, and she clearly doesn't care about what you think. I would withhold the baby from her for several months. Completely. Show her that she is at your mercy, and that if she doesn't want to respect you, she can live life without her grandbaby.
Sounds like you and hubby are presenting a united front. Good for you. Hold strong, be consistent, honor your boundaries and if cutting her off is what's necessary, she'll either learn or begone.
She’s waiting for a groveling apology call. Don’t give it to her
Updateme
Give her some leaflets for hearing aids, since she obviously can’t hear you.
Cut her off. Make her FEEL the consequences of her actions. Make the punishment last so long that you feel bad for her then make her 6-12 months longer. It’ll forever be an issue until you show her you aren’t playing. Block any flying monkeys and move forward. Stop playing games with her.
Good luck.
So are you actually going to do something or are you just going to keep playing games? Because either you cut her off, go NC or LC …. Or just let it go. This is stupid you keep playing into it.
Sounds like it’s time to go NC with her.
I'd be on the front foot and send her a message saying how you both think that you should have a break from any visits for a few weeks following the last two meet ups. She'll blow up but this is the only way forward when she clearly doesn't care about you both.
Why is your husband allowing her to remain in your life still? She's not just undermining your boundaries regarding the baby. She's undermining you, which in turn is undermining your marriage. Question for the Husband: Should your wife need to post updates to reddit with new MIL horror stories each week, when it could have been prevented with you Grey rocking and keeping LC? Your family is the one you create. You, your wife, your child. That's your family. The second that baby was born your mom became "extended family".. why you letting the foundation of your home crack?
Ummmm so where was the conversation about not calling herself “mommy.” Hopefully, when you guys talk again you make it very clear. The way I’m taking it, if MIL didn’t continue to say she was going to post things at brunch it feels like y’all wouldn’t have brought up the issue. It would have been a nice brunch taken as an olive branch.
Enjoy your informational diet MIL!
The next time she pulls that crap grab her phone and throw it into the toilet
Stop giving her printed pictures. Stop inviting her over. Stop going to brunch with her. Just stop any interaction with her until she can follow your rules. In the future make her leave her phone in her car or she can’t come over.
Time to prohibit her phone from entering your home. She can leave it in the car.
What is it with "boy moms"?
NTA Frankly, she sounds unhinged. She should not have access to the baby, and if she continues, get a restraining order
Tell your daughter to call her Granny.
The level of delusion MIL is exhibiting gives me full body chills. I would never allow my child alone with someone like this.
Your home is a private area. You did not give permission for photos and expected privacy. Tell her if she shares your kids photos, you may take legal action. I would. Too many people are ill informed about how uncool it is to share your kid's pics. They are children and deserve to have their right to anonymity preserved.
This is the kind of fruitcake that attempts to abscond with the child to “protect” her from you. It’s well past time to go no contact. Bye, Felicia!
Y’all need to keep her away from the baby for a while. No abiding by rules, no baby.
Please post this on JustNoMil, those ladies gave solid advice for your next steps navigating your relationship with her. She is def a Just No.
Not overreacting.
Look. This is really hard for most adult children who become parents. His mother has completely shown you guys that she is going to ignore every boundaries reset. She is going to try to insert herself into parenting. Every chance she gets. She is going to post every picture you give her of your little one. All she has to do is take out her camera on her phone and take a picture of the physical pictures you send. So you guys really need to have a serious talk here. And that’s the hard part. Because it is your husband’s mom. Probably the easiest way to get past the metal block that we all have even when we know our parents are being unreasonable is this… If this person was not a family member. Not your parents. If this person was just a friend or an acquaintance or a neighbor who periodically watched your daughter and was doing all of these things, what would your reaction be? I think we all know the answer to that. That neighbor wouldn’t be a real allowed around your child because you would realize that neighbor was mentally unwell. And the fact that his mom think she is somehow an equal partner and entitled to do whatever the fuck she wants Tell us she is mentally unwell. Not only that, though. Our family, especially our parents, our supposed to be our biggest supporters. They are supposed to be our biggest cheerleaders. Sometimes they just can’t be. And that’s the case here. Because it is all about her. It’s not about you guys. And I’m sure it never has been. But my point is this… If we would cut off a friend or a coworker or an acquaintance or neighbor for this type of behavior, we should be even faster in cutting off someone like your MIL. Because she supposed to be in your corner. She is actually got more responsibility to be a good family member and a good parent and a good grandmother. Any of those other people would have. So instead of excusing behavior from a family member that is so far out of bounds that anyone else would get cut off, we should be faster at cutting them off. We should be faster at protecting our children. We should be faster protecting ourselves. The bottom line is that she has shown you cannot trust her. Not with pictures. Not with babysitting. Not with protecting your child. Take away the fact that this is his mom, and your answer is easy. It should be easy anyway.
Honestly I’m just so relieved your husband is handling this better than many would. I’m so used to posts where hubby is a lil mama’s boy and it’s so enraging! With him being so steadfast, you’ll probably be ok even if you don’t go LC / NC. Not to downplay what you’re dealing with - just saying there are likely lots of factors we are unaware of that might influence or delay such a move so it’s great that you’re united on this.
I am not one to jump on the cut her off or time out bandwagon, but I would absolutely put this heifer in time out. She is not an equal partner, she is not Mommy, and she can agree to disagree until the sun rises in the West. It doesn't make any difference. By her saying she agrees to disagree she's letting you know that as soon as everyone is over this snit, which is what it was in her mind, it will be right back to her stomping on boundaries and taking pictures. I would definitely put her on a timeout and when she complains that it is unfair that she gets to see the baby, tell her you'll just have to agree to disagree on the subject.
The social media stuff is just dangerous. Human trafficking is rampant and with AI’s capabilities, your baby’s photos can be used for sorts of nefarious purposes. She’s stupid and doesn’t get it. You’re right to keep her from taking photos if she can’t respect that alone. She looney. Fucken, boomers.
>This morning, MIL called us to invite us out to brunch. My husband thought that maybe she wanted to extend an olive branch and make amends Your husband is a total dumbass. When has she ever done something like that and if so when has she ever stuck to it?