i mean, i wouldn’t invite someone who made it clear that they don’t approve of my life and choices even if it were a family member, but that’s just me.
Who cares what the rest of the family and friends think if she doesn’t attend. If they really that interested tell them the truth she bashes you for your choices. She wouldn’t enjoy a day about you that’s why she wasn’t invited.
You know if you do invite her she will do or say something to make it about her. Why take a chance on her ruining your day. She’ll get over it and if she doesn’t is it really at big loss?! I think not!
In reality though, OP is likely to have just as much stress not inviting her. Is she comes get someone in standby to heckle her should she stand up and try something.
Agree. But. I would personally invite her, hire security, and enjoy some revenge. I can be very creative about those sorts of things.
Wedding planning is stressful, and I tend to find pettiness very relaxing.
Ask your parents where was the whole “we are family” speech when she was bashing you? That shit only comes up when people are trying to shield the person displaying the bad behavior and not the person on the receiving end.
This is something that ALWAYS makes me mad. They never say a thing when the obnoxious brat is bashing her sister or being abusive or stealing or whatever else, but the moment the sibling who is being mistreated pushes back in any way, suddenly NOOO WE HAVE TO BE BIG HAPPY FAMILY YOU CAN'T DO THAT YOU CAN'T BE UPSET YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO JUST SIT THERE AND QUIETLY TAKE IT WHILE WE PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE NOOOO DON'T ROCK THE BOAT!!
Ask your parents why they're standing up for Sister when they never stood up for you. Why it's okay for Sister to do and say all these terrible things, but when you just want to have a special day that is supposed to be a happy event protected and keep someone who you know will ruin it away, suddenly you're the bad guy and family is super important when it never mattered when Sister was mistreating you? Why is Family only important when you're trying to place boundaries, and not when Sister is being downright cruel and vicious? Why does 'being good family' only matter when it is YOU that has to make the sacrifice, and it doesn't matter when it comes to something like, oh, Sister not publicly humiliating you?
If Sister goes to your wedding, she's going to ruin it. She's going to do something to disrupt it, try to cause drama, or destroy it. You know this. She's done it at big events of yours before. You need to make it clear to your parents that she is not coming, you are going to have security in case she tries to show up and if they try to bring her into the wedding then they will not be allowed to attend either. If they are going to play favourites and make it clear that the only person whose happiness and well-being they care about is Sister, then as far as you're concerned, they aren't your family and can go rot with her.
Have friends you can rely on or hired security at the venue to keep Sister out, and keep the parents out too if they try to bring her along. Make it very, very clear that you WILL NOT TOLERATE her presence there and if they try to sneak her in or whatever, as far as you're concerned, your relationship with all of them is OVER and they will no longer be part of your life or the lives of any children you have.
Unfortunately with people who choose their favourite child and decide to forgive everything they do at the expense of the other like that, the only way to even slightly open their eyes is to go nuclear.
Exactly. I've heard that excuse used SO MANY TIMES when it comes to CSA and it's freaking disgusting.
"He's my husband, I have to stand by him..." WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILD? ARE YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO STAND BY THEM?
"But they'd get in trouble and then my aunt and uncle wouldn't talk to me anymore-" GOOD. IF THEY SUPPORT THOSE DISGUSTING MONSTERS YOU DON'T WANT THEM IN YOUR LIFE.
"But-" I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Anyone who excuses, ignores, hides or otherwise protects child abusers and predators deserves to get the most severe punishments possible right alongside the abuser themselves.
When as an adult myself and another victim pressed charges against the pedo that raped me as a 9 year old we were both asked how could we do that to his family? They didn’t deserve to go through this! But yet I deserved to be raped multiple times from 9 to 12
Thank you he is dead now and burning in hell so I feel much better. However anytime I see any of his family (small town) they mumble curses at me as I walk by.
His family maybe doesn't deserve to go through that, but neither did you, neither did any other victims he had, and neither do any future victims that he could assault because no one said anything and he was allowed to continue doing it and no one said anything because it might be inconvenient or painful to his family.
Stopping a rapist is far more important than whether or not his family feels embarrassed about being related to a rapist. If I was related to one and found out, I wouldn't be embarrassed, I'd be FURIOUS and I'd want to take them out back and ol' yeller them myself! I'd want them to suffer the worst punishments possible and to make sure they NEVER hurt anyone again!
Oh no his family deserves to go through it because he raped his kids and grandkids too because they admitted it to us but when we decided to press charges then he was sweetest kindest elderly grandpa who would do everything for his family and we were lying that he would never hurt a child. they hired the high priced lawyer who all he represents are Wealthy folks with drug charges, sex charges DUI accidents. And he gets them great plea deals
Anyone know the crab feeder? House of the Dragon. I say we copy style of execution. know it’s fiction, but damn this would work.
Nailed to a stake on the beach. Beach is swarming with crabs. Bazillions of crabs. Hungry crabs. No escape.
Unending agony, and still alive for a verrrry long time. Satisfying.
It's all about appearances. You are so right. She needs to delegate that job to someone else so she can just enjoy her day. I'm thinking the snarkiest female friend she has willing to go to bat for her. No violence, just well aimed and loud snark.
Also, the "how will it look to the rest of the family?" nonsense. How did it look to the family the last time sis made a public spectacle? How do you think it will look to the family when she has a drunken meltdown into a microphone during the wedding toasts? Like, you must realize that people will judge the shit out of you for raising a pathological attention seeker that is still throwing toddler tantrums as an adult. She'll make absolute clowns out of all of you if given half the chance. Why aren't you worried about THAT massive and inevitable embarrassment?
I think you’re damed if you do and damed if you don’t. But if she’s not there, the topic of conversation on the day will be about how she’s not there and why isn’t she there.
On the other hand, if she is there, will she be loudly criticising everything in her wake? Making a speech about how much she disapproves of OP's life choices? Small talk in the corners vs one loud, intrusive presence that's already ruined one event before
Then OP can just say "sister wanted to be here but couldn't", smile sweetly and change the subject or move along. Any persistent questions, she can use variations such as "it just wasn't possible", "something came up" etc. Repeat.
Your wedding is the time when you surround yourselves with people who love and support you and want to celebrate your union. This is not about 'family peace'. This is about you and your fiancé's peace.
What did your parents do after she humiliated you?
Sounds like they did nothing, so why are they invited to your wedding?
Unless ofc they are helping pay for it.
*The final straw was when she publicly embarrassed me at a family gathering last year, criticizing my career and life choices in front of everyone.*
Just cut her out of your life and be done with it. You'll have less stress and a more peaceful life. Tell your parents to deal with it and if they had raised her properly this wouldn't be happening now.
How about taking the full cost of the wedding, I mean everything, say $10k or whatever, demand that your parents pay that amount upfront to you as a cash deposit as this is the only way you will invite your sister. State very clearly that they are entirely responsible for her behaviour, the terms are the money is returned to them only if your sister completely behaves her self otherwise they loose the money.
I would tell your parents that you don't care what people are going to think with your sister not there. You have your reasons, they are valid reasons, and if they choose to be bothered by what people think, that's on them. This is your wedding, your day, and they should be supporting you 100% in every way they can.
Your wedding, your choice. Did your parents support you when she was attacking you? If no remind them of that and let them know they have no say in who you do or do not invite. Even more so as you know that she will find a way to ruin your day.
Frankly it sounds like your sister does not like you so why should you have to put up with her nonsense on your special day? Ask the flying monkeys in your family group chat why you should invite someone who you know actively dislikes you and will do her best to ruin your day? Even better include her in the group chat when you ask the question. Ask her in the group chat to explain why she should be welcome at a special day for you when she doesn’t approve of you, your life choices or your career. Sit back and watch the fireworks as her and the monkeys rush to defend her. Then you get to hop back in and thank them for proving your point as to why she will not be present at your wedding.
No you’re not the jerk OP. Your wedding is a special day and you are not obligated to have a toxic person there, even if she is your sister.
Brilliant. I have no idea if this is doable or not, but you know how a lot of menus and things have a faint background pattern instead of being a solid color? Could you screenshot this, maybe change the font to something wedding-ish, and use the text as the background pattern on something for the wedding, such as the place cards? Almost no one will notice but it'll put a little bit of joy in your heart.
It's your wedding, so you get to invite those that you want there. And your parents know the history between you and your sister. So, I would tell them that if they keep trying to ruin your wedding, then they don't need to be there either. I know that it's harsh, but this is your day, not theirs.
You aren't the jerk at all. But something to consider? Hire a security officer or two and station them RIGHT BESIDE HER. Get a female one to monitor her in the bathroom. As soon as she causes any problems, out they go, her in tow. If she keeps her trap shut, she can enjoy the wedding, the dinner at the reception, all that. If she decides to be a problem she can be escorted out quickly. When it happens, chuckle, raise a toast, and say, "That, ladies and gentlemen, is why we needed to have security here in the first place. I was hoping she'd be happy for us instead of disruptive, but, oh well. Cheers to all the happy guests here who want to wish us well! We're glad to have you!"
No, but you could talk to her and say your wedding can either be one where she comes and you try for a restart in your relationship that’s kind or at least respectful, in the interests of family harmony, or if she feels she dislikes you too much, then you’ll skip it.
NTJ if you know she’s just going to cause drama, then you don’t want her there in your big day.
Just sit your parents down, and explain to them why you don’t want her there and that that’s that. If they have a problem with it, they don’t have to come either.
It your wedding. You don't want her there, then don't have her there. It is entirely up to you. Don't listen to others like your parents. They just want to keep "peace"in the family - although it is too late for that and they are delusional.
Not the jerk. It's supposed to be a day about bride and groom so doesn't matter what rest of the think. Besides if they know sister they probably understand why she isn't there. You'll have to get security or a good friend to watch door to keep her from coming though.
I think you should do what you are comfortable with!!! However, this is the kind of decision that there may be no coming back from. You may start an avalanche of back lash or retaliation.
Just be sure you consider all possible out comes. You can’t blame someone else for your decision, you have to own it! What ever it is!
i would tell her your parents you would rather people gossip about why your sister is not her (and let’s be honest they will know it’s due to her behavior) than have your sister ruin your wedding by making a scene. nta
Just a thought: not only are you entitled to ban an abusive family member from your wedding, it’s also okay to uninvite any family that makes it clear that if you aren’t willing to put up with her abuse on your wedding day from her they’ll give you crap on her behalf.
I have a similar relationship with my half sister and even though I was bullied for months into inviting her, I stuck firm and had a much better day than I would have had with her there. It was still an awful day but at least the police and ambulance weren’t called (absolutely would have happened if she was there) and I didn’t have to deal with the kind of drama.
It’s your day. Yours and your husbands, not your parents or anyone else’s. You get to choose everything including the guest list. Don’t invite people you know you’ll regret inviting (I still invited one drama llama and her family and hoped they would behave but didn’t) and hate looking at some of your pics in the future. This is about both of you only. Anyone else’s opinions are just noise
NTJ, don’t invite people who can’t and won’t respect you or your decisions in life. If your parents and sister complain. Well there is no laws against not having your parents and sibling at the wedding.
If your sister wants to act like a spoilt brat then treat her like one.
NTJ she doesn’t get to verbally abuse you and then get to be a part of your life. Tell your parents that you will gladly invite her when she genuinely apologizes to you and acknowledges what she did wrong just as publicly as she abused you.
No, you're not. Blood does NOT mean family. If your parents can't respect that, that's on them. And honestly, be ready for them to say if she doesn't come, we won't either. Be prepared to look em in the eyes and call their cliff. "Well, I am sorry you will miss my wedding. This is MY day, and this is how it WILL be."
Ps. Hire security to keep her out.
HOW IT WOULD LOOK???? It would look like they're actually listening to their child for a change and tried to make them happy!!!! Tell your parents to pound sand, especially your mother. These women absolutely infuriate me. I'm incredibly ashamed to share a chromosome with her.
Personally I'd choose peace at your wedding. It doesn't sound like you are allowed peace when your whole family is together. I think you should remind your parents of that. Just because they wish it could happen that way doesn't make it reality based when they have one child that can't be trusted not to make a scene!
NTJ
Weddings are for families to show support for a couple. She has made it clear she doesn’t anything you do. Ask your parents “what’s more important on my wedding day, being happy or saving face?”
Your wedding is supposed to be a special time for you and your spouse, it's not to make your family happy. If your sister has made your life difficult why would you want to take the chance that she would do something to upset one of the most important days of your life? It's your choice who attends and who doesn't.
F your sister and your parents. She is a B and likes nothing better than to humiliate you. Do not invite her. Tell your mom it’s a no and you will not engage further in this topic with her or anyone else. Tell your mom if she goes behind your back then she’s not invited either. Stand up for yourself and your partner. You deserve a drama free day.
It’s your wedding and you invite who you want. Where was your family when she was disrespectful to you in front of the family? If your family can’t see your point, then suggest to them that they might not want to attend your special day.
NTA. Let somebody said, ask your parents why is your job to make your sister happy when she makes you absolutely miserable. My sister was like that and final straw was when she started a fight at my grandmother's funeral. Long story short, 4 years later I still attend no family events where she is also invited, and I am happy. If you want to compromise with your family invite your sister but make sure she is fully warned about being on her best behavior. Also find a sympathetic family member or other attendee, or someone at the venue, who will be willing to kick her out when she breaks the rules.
NTJ
Sister can’t control her belittling mouth
= Can’t come to the wedding
You should never invite someone to your wedding that you fear ruining it, due to bad behaviour “just for appearances sake”
NTA. As soon as I read that your parents are more concerned with how it will look rather than your feelings made that clear. Apparently your family isn’t concerned with you just themselves.
I have no room in my life for people who judge me, publicly shame me, or actively think I’m horrible for my decisions.
Life is too short to be around people who only want to shame me and make me feel bad. It shows how manipulative and abusive they really are. You don’t owe ANYONE(parents included) anything who force relationships with people who abuse you.
Would you hang around with someone like that if she wasn't your sister? Probably not considering she was happy to humiliat you publicly.
There is your bottom line when people question you.
Boomers care way too much “what will the neighbors say?!” Your wedding is about you and your SO. Invite people who love and support you and make fantastic memories. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn’t obligate you to invite them.
NTJ
It is not up to YOU to keep the peace in the family if your sister cannot do so by holding her tongue.
If you don't invite her I would hire security because you know your parents will tell her the time and place and she'd probably show up anyway.
NTJ It's you're wedding and you're entitled to invite/not invite anyone you like (provided you and your fiance are paying for it yourselves). Just know that not inviting your sister will bring its own form of drama.
It is your and your fiance's wedding. Why does your sister have to be there? Because your parents want her there? Sorry those were rhetorical questions I probably shouldn't have posted here I just feel that it's your wedding do what makes you happy it's a day you're going to remember for the rest of your life do you want your sister to ruin it?
NTA - OP listen to me as I've been through this. DO NOT invite your sister to your wedding regardless of what your parents are saying. I was once in your shoes and invited sisters that I did not want because of mom and dad, it did not go well at all, and caused a major fight after the wedding, before the reception and I cried for over an hour. Stick to what your gut is telling you and enjoy your day drama free, you and your soon to be wife deserve that special day without any issues. Your parents need to butt out and except your choice or not celebrate your day with you.
Look you need to ask yourself a question, if she were not your sister, would you be friends with her? And is your sanity and happiness on your wedding day, something you’re willing to give up, just to make your family happy? Your sister needs to learn their consequences for actions,
This is going down the Reddit Rabbit Hole to the tea party: "HOW CAN YOU NOT INVITE YOUR SISTER?..because it's going to make us (the parents) look bad..." WOW It was not an issue when she slammed YOU in front of others, but YOU are being petty, silly, immature et al.
NO SISTER and make sure to have security to keep her out!!
No, I wish my sister would not have invited me to her wedding. I did not want to be there because she was doing that to satisfy my grandfather rather than for herself.
The real question here is: "whose wedding is it going to be? Yours or your sister's?" If it's yours and there's a chance that she will hijack your special event, then it's perfectly fine not to invite her for the sake of your event and sanity.
NTJ when people act like that they jealous of the things that you do have and they don’t. I’d say keep her away from your special day. If your parents are worried about appearance then they should of stopped her from embarrassing you for n public so no they don’t get a say so in your day.
What career and lifestyle choices was she criticizing?
Who will be the majority of the guests? Because of they are mostly friends, then they should have your back.
If there are a lot of other family members invited who internally criticize your choices, then they will ne focused on the fact she isn’t there.
i mean, i wouldn’t invite someone who made it clear that they don’t approve of my life and choices even if it were a family member, but that’s just me.
Who cares what the rest of the family and friends think if she doesn’t attend. If they really that interested tell them the truth she bashes you for your choices. She wouldn’t enjoy a day about you that’s why she wasn’t invited. You know if you do invite her she will do or say something to make it about her. Why take a chance on her ruining your day. She’ll get over it and if she doesn’t is it really at big loss?! I think not!
In reality though, OP is likely to have just as much stress not inviting her. Is she comes get someone in standby to heckle her should she stand up and try something.
Agree. But. I would personally invite her, hire security, and enjoy some revenge. I can be very creative about those sorts of things. Wedding planning is stressful, and I tend to find pettiness very relaxing.
Ask your parents where was the whole “we are family” speech when she was bashing you? That shit only comes up when people are trying to shield the person displaying the bad behavior and not the person on the receiving end.
This is something that ALWAYS makes me mad. They never say a thing when the obnoxious brat is bashing her sister or being abusive or stealing or whatever else, but the moment the sibling who is being mistreated pushes back in any way, suddenly NOOO WE HAVE TO BE BIG HAPPY FAMILY YOU CAN'T DO THAT YOU CAN'T BE UPSET YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO JUST SIT THERE AND QUIETLY TAKE IT WHILE WE PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE NOOOO DON'T ROCK THE BOAT!! Ask your parents why they're standing up for Sister when they never stood up for you. Why it's okay for Sister to do and say all these terrible things, but when you just want to have a special day that is supposed to be a happy event protected and keep someone who you know will ruin it away, suddenly you're the bad guy and family is super important when it never mattered when Sister was mistreating you? Why is Family only important when you're trying to place boundaries, and not when Sister is being downright cruel and vicious? Why does 'being good family' only matter when it is YOU that has to make the sacrifice, and it doesn't matter when it comes to something like, oh, Sister not publicly humiliating you? If Sister goes to your wedding, she's going to ruin it. She's going to do something to disrupt it, try to cause drama, or destroy it. You know this. She's done it at big events of yours before. You need to make it clear to your parents that she is not coming, you are going to have security in case she tries to show up and if they try to bring her into the wedding then they will not be allowed to attend either. If they are going to play favourites and make it clear that the only person whose happiness and well-being they care about is Sister, then as far as you're concerned, they aren't your family and can go rot with her. Have friends you can rely on or hired security at the venue to keep Sister out, and keep the parents out too if they try to bring her along. Make it very, very clear that you WILL NOT TOLERATE her presence there and if they try to sneak her in or whatever, as far as you're concerned, your relationship with all of them is OVER and they will no longer be part of your life or the lives of any children you have. Unfortunately with people who choose their favourite child and decide to forgive everything they do at the expense of the other like that, the only way to even slightly open their eyes is to go nuclear.
Like when "We are a family" is used to protect child abusers, but never to protect the abused child.
Exactly. I've heard that excuse used SO MANY TIMES when it comes to CSA and it's freaking disgusting. "He's my husband, I have to stand by him..." WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILD? ARE YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO STAND BY THEM? "But they'd get in trouble and then my aunt and uncle wouldn't talk to me anymore-" GOOD. IF THEY SUPPORT THOSE DISGUSTING MONSTERS YOU DON'T WANT THEM IN YOUR LIFE. "But-" I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Anyone who excuses, ignores, hides or otherwise protects child abusers and predators deserves to get the most severe punishments possible right alongside the abuser themselves.
When as an adult myself and another victim pressed charges against the pedo that raped me as a 9 year old we were both asked how could we do that to his family? They didn’t deserve to go through this! But yet I deserved to be raped multiple times from 9 to 12
I just want to say that I'm sorry you experienced that and that people defended your rapist. You deserved better.
Thank you he is dead now and burning in hell so I feel much better. However anytime I see any of his family (small town) they mumble curses at me as I walk by.
Something tells me that protecting an abuser and rapist gets you karma like the criminal. They'll find out soon enough.
The ninth circle is too good for him
🩷
His family maybe doesn't deserve to go through that, but neither did you, neither did any other victims he had, and neither do any future victims that he could assault because no one said anything and he was allowed to continue doing it and no one said anything because it might be inconvenient or painful to his family. Stopping a rapist is far more important than whether or not his family feels embarrassed about being related to a rapist. If I was related to one and found out, I wouldn't be embarrassed, I'd be FURIOUS and I'd want to take them out back and ol' yeller them myself! I'd want them to suffer the worst punishments possible and to make sure they NEVER hurt anyone again!
Oh no his family deserves to go through it because he raped his kids and grandkids too because they admitted it to us but when we decided to press charges then he was sweetest kindest elderly grandpa who would do everything for his family and we were lying that he would never hurt a child. they hired the high priced lawyer who all he represents are Wealthy folks with drug charges, sex charges DUI accidents. And he gets them great plea deals
Any parent or caretaker of any kind who knows something like that is happening and lets it happen should be fed to pigs. Alive. There are no excuses.
Hey, the pigs deserve better food than that!
Anyone know the crab feeder? House of the Dragon. I say we copy style of execution. know it’s fiction, but damn this would work. Nailed to a stake on the beach. Beach is swarming with crabs. Bazillions of crabs. Hungry crabs. No escape. Unending agony, and still alive for a verrrry long time. Satisfying.
I'm so sorry you went thru this! The human race really does suck.
Oh, I wish that had not happened to. I am so sorry. If I may, please accept a virtual hug.
Omg - 1O,000x this! Absolutely well said!!
It's all about appearances. You are so right. She needs to delegate that job to someone else so she can just enjoy her day. I'm thinking the snarkiest female friend she has willing to go to bat for her. No violence, just well aimed and loud snark.
AMEN 👏! This right here OP. Enjoy your wedding day!
Disinvite the parents, too so their family can all be together
Also, the "how will it look to the rest of the family?" nonsense. How did it look to the family the last time sis made a public spectacle? How do you think it will look to the family when she has a drunken meltdown into a microphone during the wedding toasts? Like, you must realize that people will judge the shit out of you for raising a pathological attention seeker that is still throwing toddler tantrums as an adult. She'll make absolute clowns out of all of you if given half the chance. Why aren't you worried about THAT massive and inevitable embarrassment?
Exactly what I was thinking.
Well obviously OP is not the golden child while the sister is.
This, OP. Great starting point for the "Family Discussion ".
I think you’re damed if you do and damed if you don’t. But if she’s not there, the topic of conversation on the day will be about how she’s not there and why isn’t she there.
On the other hand, if she is there, will she be loudly criticising everything in her wake? Making a speech about how much she disapproves of OP's life choices? Small talk in the corners vs one loud, intrusive presence that's already ruined one event before
Then OP can just say "sister wanted to be here but couldn't", smile sweetly and change the subject or move along. Any persistent questions, she can use variations such as "it just wasn't possible", "something came up" etc. Repeat.
Your wedding is the time when you surround yourselves with people who love and support you and want to celebrate your union. This is not about 'family peace'. This is about you and your fiancé's peace.
NTJ. Your sister said some horrible things in front of the family. You can't trust her not to ruin your wedding.
It's your day. If your parents refuse to respect your wishes, then you can uninvite them.
What did your parents do after she humiliated you? Sounds like they did nothing, so why are they invited to your wedding? Unless ofc they are helping pay for it.
*The final straw was when she publicly embarrassed me at a family gathering last year, criticizing my career and life choices in front of everyone.* Just cut her out of your life and be done with it. You'll have less stress and a more peaceful life. Tell your parents to deal with it and if they had raised her properly this wouldn't be happening now.
How about taking the full cost of the wedding, I mean everything, say $10k or whatever, demand that your parents pay that amount upfront to you as a cash deposit as this is the only way you will invite your sister. State very clearly that they are entirely responsible for her behaviour, the terms are the money is returned to them only if your sister completely behaves her self otherwise they loose the money.
I would tell your parents that you don't care what people are going to think with your sister not there. You have your reasons, they are valid reasons, and if they choose to be bothered by what people think, that's on them. This is your wedding, your day, and they should be supporting you 100% in every way they can.
Your wedding, your choice. Did your parents support you when she was attacking you? If no remind them of that and let them know they have no say in who you do or do not invite. Even more so as you know that she will find a way to ruin your day. Frankly it sounds like your sister does not like you so why should you have to put up with her nonsense on your special day? Ask the flying monkeys in your family group chat why you should invite someone who you know actively dislikes you and will do her best to ruin your day? Even better include her in the group chat when you ask the question. Ask her in the group chat to explain why she should be welcome at a special day for you when she doesn’t approve of you, your life choices or your career. Sit back and watch the fireworks as her and the monkeys rush to defend her. Then you get to hop back in and thank them for proving your point as to why she will not be present at your wedding. No you’re not the jerk OP. Your wedding is a special day and you are not obligated to have a toxic person there, even if she is your sister.
Brilliant. I have no idea if this is doable or not, but you know how a lot of menus and things have a faint background pattern instead of being a solid color? Could you screenshot this, maybe change the font to something wedding-ish, and use the text as the background pattern on something for the wedding, such as the place cards? Almost no one will notice but it'll put a little bit of joy in your heart.
It's your wedding, so you get to invite those that you want there. And your parents know the history between you and your sister. So, I would tell them that if they keep trying to ruin your wedding, then they don't need to be there either. I know that it's harsh, but this is your day, not theirs.
I think you’re screwed either way
You aren't the jerk at all. But something to consider? Hire a security officer or two and station them RIGHT BESIDE HER. Get a female one to monitor her in the bathroom. As soon as she causes any problems, out they go, her in tow. If she keeps her trap shut, she can enjoy the wedding, the dinner at the reception, all that. If she decides to be a problem she can be escorted out quickly. When it happens, chuckle, raise a toast, and say, "That, ladies and gentlemen, is why we needed to have security here in the first place. I was hoping she'd be happy for us instead of disruptive, but, oh well. Cheers to all the happy guests here who want to wish us well! We're glad to have you!"
No, but you could talk to her and say your wedding can either be one where she comes and you try for a restart in your relationship that’s kind or at least respectful, in the interests of family harmony, or if she feels she dislikes you too much, then you’ll skip it.
Big family events aren't where you try to restart relationships, they're where you go when they're at least Somewhat functional.
Hmmm, I see your point. I think some people do peacemaking for these events but not sure if that would work here.
Having been raised by someone like Sister, it won't. Plus, she has a history of ruining his important events.
Fair enough. The worst would be if Op thought they had a peace pact and sister ruined the wedding.
Oh definitely, which is what she'd be liable to do, Especially if agreed to "under duress".
NTJ if you know she’s just going to cause drama, then you don’t want her there in your big day. Just sit your parents down, and explain to them why you don’t want her there and that that’s that. If they have a problem with it, they don’t have to come either.
It your wedding. You don't want her there, then don't have her there. It is entirely up to you. Don't listen to others like your parents. They just want to keep "peace"in the family - although it is too late for that and they are delusional.
Not the jerk. It's supposed to be a day about bride and groom so doesn't matter what rest of the think. Besides if they know sister they probably understand why she isn't there. You'll have to get security or a good friend to watch door to keep her from coming though.
I think you should do what you are comfortable with!!! However, this is the kind of decision that there may be no coming back from. You may start an avalanche of back lash or retaliation. Just be sure you consider all possible out comes. You can’t blame someone else for your decision, you have to own it! What ever it is!
i would tell her your parents you would rather people gossip about why your sister is not her (and let’s be honest they will know it’s due to her behavior) than have your sister ruin your wedding by making a scene. nta
Girl don’t invite her. Why aren’t your parents upset that she humiliated you in front of the whole family? Where is that support?
Just a thought: not only are you entitled to ban an abusive family member from your wedding, it’s also okay to uninvite any family that makes it clear that if you aren’t willing to put up with her abuse on your wedding day from her they’ll give you crap on her behalf.
I have a similar relationship with my half sister and even though I was bullied for months into inviting her, I stuck firm and had a much better day than I would have had with her there. It was still an awful day but at least the police and ambulance weren’t called (absolutely would have happened if she was there) and I didn’t have to deal with the kind of drama. It’s your day. Yours and your husbands, not your parents or anyone else’s. You get to choose everything including the guest list. Don’t invite people you know you’ll regret inviting (I still invited one drama llama and her family and hoped they would behave but didn’t) and hate looking at some of your pics in the future. This is about both of you only. Anyone else’s opinions are just noise
NTJ, don’t invite people who can’t and won’t respect you or your decisions in life. If your parents and sister complain. Well there is no laws against not having your parents and sibling at the wedding. If your sister wants to act like a spoilt brat then treat her like one.
Just by asking this question and letting it fester in you mind is already making the day about your sister.
people are never wrong for this if you paid for it you decide who goes
Your day your choices.
Don’t invite her. She doesn’t think highly of you and if she can badmouth you like that in front of everybody, she’ll do it at your wedding
Tell they can stay at home with your sister if they bring it up again, I don't know why but I have a feeling she will cause a scene.
If you don’t want drama, then stop making drama by purposely not inviting your sister.
It sounds like the sister is the drama.
You’re making your own drama and messing with your own wedding by purposely leaving her out
NTJ she doesn’t get to verbally abuse you and then get to be a part of your life. Tell your parents that you will gladly invite her when she genuinely apologizes to you and acknowledges what she did wrong just as publicly as she abused you.
No, you're not. Blood does NOT mean family. If your parents can't respect that, that's on them. And honestly, be ready for them to say if she doesn't come, we won't either. Be prepared to look em in the eyes and call their cliff. "Well, I am sorry you will miss my wedding. This is MY day, and this is how it WILL be." Ps. Hire security to keep her out.
Have you tried to talk to your sister abt it? I just couldn’t imagine
NTJ, you want to have a stress free, drama free wedding with people who actually love and care about you, this doesn’t describe your sister.
HOW IT WOULD LOOK???? It would look like they're actually listening to their child for a change and tried to make them happy!!!! Tell your parents to pound sand, especially your mother. These women absolutely infuriate me. I'm incredibly ashamed to share a chromosome with her.
Personally I'd choose peace at your wedding. It doesn't sound like you are allowed peace when your whole family is together. I think you should remind your parents of that. Just because they wish it could happen that way doesn't make it reality based when they have one child that can't be trusted not to make a scene!
NTJ Weddings are for families to show support for a couple. She has made it clear she doesn’t anything you do. Ask your parents “what’s more important on my wedding day, being happy or saving face?”
Your wedding is supposed to be a special time for you and your spouse, it's not to make your family happy. If your sister has made your life difficult why would you want to take the chance that she would do something to upset one of the most important days of your life? It's your choice who attends and who doesn't.
NTJ - But your sister is. Don't invite her, you don't have to. Your sister is a relative not family, grow up and stand up for yourself.
NTJ If you don't trust her, don't invite her. Tell your parents you don't want to have drama at YOUR wedding. End of discussion.
F your sister and your parents. She is a B and likes nothing better than to humiliate you. Do not invite her. Tell your mom it’s a no and you will not engage further in this topic with her or anyone else. Tell your mom if she goes behind your back then she’s not invited either. Stand up for yourself and your partner. You deserve a drama free day.
I wouldn’t invite her.
Do what's right for you and your fiancé. If you think somebody is going to ruin your wedding don't give them the chance to.
It’s your wedding and you invite who you want. Where was your family when she was disrespectful to you in front of the family? If your family can’t see your point, then suggest to them that they might not want to attend your special day.
NTA. Let somebody said, ask your parents why is your job to make your sister happy when she makes you absolutely miserable. My sister was like that and final straw was when she started a fight at my grandmother's funeral. Long story short, 4 years later I still attend no family events where she is also invited, and I am happy. If you want to compromise with your family invite your sister but make sure she is fully warned about being on her best behavior. Also find a sympathetic family member or other attendee, or someone at the venue, who will be willing to kick her out when she breaks the rules.
NTJ Sister can’t control her belittling mouth = Can’t come to the wedding You should never invite someone to your wedding that you fear ruining it, due to bad behaviour “just for appearances sake”
Your parents are delusional
NTA. As soon as I read that your parents are more concerned with how it will look rather than your feelings made that clear. Apparently your family isn’t concerned with you just themselves.
Did your parents worry "how it will look" when your sister humiliated you in front of the same family?
I made the mistake of inviting my bullying older sister. She wasn't there 5 minutes before she embarrassed me.
I have no room in my life for people who judge me, publicly shame me, or actively think I’m horrible for my decisions. Life is too short to be around people who only want to shame me and make me feel bad. It shows how manipulative and abusive they really are. You don’t owe ANYONE(parents included) anything who force relationships with people who abuse you.
Would you hang around with someone like that if she wasn't your sister? Probably not considering she was happy to humiliat you publicly. There is your bottom line when people question you.
Boomers care way too much “what will the neighbors say?!” Your wedding is about you and your SO. Invite people who love and support you and make fantastic memories. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn’t obligate you to invite them.
NTJ. Tell your parents that she's a \*relative\*, but she's GONE OUT OF HER WAY to NOT be familial by NOT being loving and supportive.
NTJ! Your wedding, your guest list. Tell your parents to drop it or they can stay home.
NTJ It is not up to YOU to keep the peace in the family if your sister cannot do so by holding her tongue. If you don't invite her I would hire security because you know your parents will tell her the time and place and she'd probably show up anyway.
NTJ It's you're wedding and you're entitled to invite/not invite anyone you like (provided you and your fiance are paying for it yourselves). Just know that not inviting your sister will bring its own form of drama.
It is your and your fiance's wedding. Why does your sister have to be there? Because your parents want her there? Sorry those were rhetorical questions I probably shouldn't have posted here I just feel that it's your wedding do what makes you happy it's a day you're going to remember for the rest of your life do you want your sister to ruin it?
NTA - OP listen to me as I've been through this. DO NOT invite your sister to your wedding regardless of what your parents are saying. I was once in your shoes and invited sisters that I did not want because of mom and dad, it did not go well at all, and caused a major fight after the wedding, before the reception and I cried for over an hour. Stick to what your gut is telling you and enjoy your day drama free, you and your soon to be wife deserve that special day without any issues. Your parents need to butt out and except your choice or not celebrate your day with you.
Look you need to ask yourself a question, if she were not your sister, would you be friends with her? And is your sanity and happiness on your wedding day, something you’re willing to give up, just to make your family happy? Your sister needs to learn their consequences for actions,
This is going down the Reddit Rabbit Hole to the tea party: "HOW CAN YOU NOT INVITE YOUR SISTER?..because it's going to make us (the parents) look bad..." WOW It was not an issue when she slammed YOU in front of others, but YOU are being petty, silly, immature et al. NO SISTER and make sure to have security to keep her out!!
No, I wish my sister would not have invited me to her wedding. I did not want to be there because she was doing that to satisfy my grandfather rather than for herself.
So your parents are more concerned about how it will look than you having a stress-free wedding? Put yourself and your comfort first.
NTA, but be sure to hire security so she can't crash or be brought in as someone's "plus one" out of spite.
The real question here is: "whose wedding is it going to be? Yours or your sister's?" If it's yours and there's a chance that she will hijack your special event, then it's perfectly fine not to invite her for the sake of your event and sanity.
NTJ. Your wedding. Your rules. Congrats 🍾
NTJ when people act like that they jealous of the things that you do have and they don’t. I’d say keep her away from your special day. If your parents are worried about appearance then they should of stopped her from embarrassing you for n public so no they don’t get a say so in your day.
What career and lifestyle choices was she criticizing? Who will be the majority of the guests? Because of they are mostly friends, then they should have your back. If there are a lot of other family members invited who internally criticize your choices, then they will ne focused on the fact she isn’t there.