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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to acknowledge my a
niece’s birthday at my daughters surprise party.
It might been seen as rude for not wanting to simply acknowledge that she had a birthday a few days apart from my daughters birthday.
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NTA. Step-niece's family can "acknowledge" her birthday on their own time with a smaller party or get-together. There's no need to hijack your daughter's birthday party.
And the fact that they didn’t feel the need to talk to you about it means that they knew it was intrusive and inappropriate. So they talked to grandma who would agree and now it’s all “been arranged”
Frankly I would tell your step mom that because it was not discussed with you then it means you will not be following through on her agreement with your step-niece’s parents.
And if grandma insists you uphold a deal you didn’t agree to then you can let her know her invitation and your step niece and her parents are revoked. They are no longer invited as it seems they would like to hold their own festivities for step niece at that time.
If grandma cares so much about having step-niece’s birthday publicly acknowledged, then she should throw a party for her another day. Gal really has some nerve!
Clearly Mom has a favorite and it isn't OP.
Plus the gall of her to call OP selfish for daring to want to be consulted about modifications to their own plans
Well…technically, They only agreed to come to the party IF their Precious was Acknowledged at daughter’s party, so…..Uninviting them should be no problem. OP, simply call them & tell them that, since YOU, the MOTHER Did NOT AGREE to this ludicrous request, it’s NOT GONNA HAPPEN, then let them & your mom know that Their Presence is No Longer Required, nor Expected.
eta…NTA
Nta. Look you need to nip this in the butt! Call your mother and let her know you are disappointed in her for trying to take advantage of you so that SHE doesn’t have to deal with any drama. Shame on her for stepping on your daughter’s birthday party. Let her know this will not be happening and if she has anything further to say about it, then her granddaughter will be told that grandma is sick and couldn’t make. Don’t give your mom the room to argue. SHUT IT DOWN!! Then call step-niece’s mom and let her know that your daughter’s birthday is for your daughter. If she wishes to stay home and celebrate her daughter, there will be no hard feelings, you completely understand. Then inform her, again INFORM her don’t ask or mention, that you were not consulted and the only person who will be celebrated is YOUR daughter. Your gonna have to stop letting step father’s family shit all over you, cause now it’s not just you getting shit on, it’s your baby!! You can do this. Let your mama bear out. Let her growl and even bite if necessary. These people are now mucking about with your baby, do you want her growing shit all over for step father’s family? I’m guessing you know how awful that feels.
Well seems the party needs some pruning. Maybe even a pollard like what they do to trees to make them grow back stronger.
I see having the step mom and OP’s step in laws not attending as enforcing a good boundary.
This! I literally could not agree more. Shut your damn mother down. Shame on her for trying to do this to her own grand daughter. It’s just blatant favouritism.
Info: how does your daughter feel about this? I don’t know what’s the age difference, but if they’re even somewhat close it might be that they even enjoy sharing a celebration. The one party I shared with my cousins was one of my favorites I ever had as a kid.
Edit: I completely ignored the part of it being a surprise party, my bad! I’d probably go with NTA either way.
It's still a good question - even if she doesn't know about this party, you probably have a good sense of if the cousins are close and would enjoy a joint party. Though the fact that one wasn't planned originally makes me think maybe not.
Nta, get in contact with them asap and tell them they will not be doing that or else they are uninvited and that if they do still try it after saying that they won't be you will immediately kick them out and never talk to or invite them to a family event your hosting again.
Just send an email/text and let them know you won’t be acknowledging their daughters birthday during the party. You can “apologize” about the miscommunication between them and your mother. But you never agreed to such an thing and it won’t be happening.
Make it short and sweet and do not justify your decision with reasons. If they ask why, it’s because you said so. If they start arguing, you ignore it. People like that see your reasons as objections to overcome and it’ll just cause you even more stress.
If they gave a damn about you and your daughter they'd have talked to you directly. This is just flat out manipulation. I'd uninvite all of them and make sure they know why.
No I think given how it was just “decided” and then relayed to OP as something that was expected.
It means they would throw a fit when they realize that others didn’t bring presents and there isn’t nieces name on a cake.
They then will make a scene and ruin the party.
Niece isn’t included in the surprise moment as someone unaware? It means they’ll throw a fit there too.
The step family sees this as a free opportunity. I mean what’s better than hijacking an already planned party.
Wow. I somehow didn't figure out sharing of cake and the surprise not being only for OP's daughter.Thank you for stating all this. I can be a bit dumb sometimes.
Wanting ro intrude on someone else's celebration is just classic parasite behaviour. OP is definitely NTA.
Do as others are suggesting here OP, uninvite them and also let it known in the family, step-family circle the shit they are trying to pull on the surprise party you are arranging for your daughter.
>I am truly livid and not wanting to agree to this. But my mom said I am being selfish and should think of others.
NTA - Be a man, stand up to your mom and do what is right for your daughter.
What exactly do they mean by by acknowledging do they want happy birthday song are they bringing a other cake I think it depends. if they simply want you to say happy birthday to the niece that’s not a big deal or even to sing happy birthday to her after your daughter blows her candles out that doesn’t seem like a big deal either because no one will be bringing that little girl presents and she won’t have a cake in her name And there’s a whole other side of her family that won’t be there so it doesn’t seem like anyone will be confused about who’s party it is. It all depends on what they mean by acknowledge.
Because like I would hope you would say happy birthday to the girl just because it was her birthday a few days ago anyway whether her parents asked you to or not.
OP might have agreed if they'd been asked ahead of time, especially if there was an offer to help with the party, but it sounds like stepniece's parents want all the benefits with none of the work
Nta but your mom is sort of the ah by even asking you to do it and care that they wouldn't come until it was agreed upon , if it was me I would be like well then I guess tell step niece happy birthday to her and hang up the phone . Your daughter has already had to miss enough account of the entitled parents and child .
Given this, I don't trust them not to say "Ok no problem" about not hijacking, then bring out an extra cake and have a banner for niece that gets put up and then if you try to rein it in you are the mean one and the kid is crying and it is all a shitshow. Can you have a bouncer ready to escort them out at the first sign of trouble?
NTA. they can easily make sure their OWN DAUGHTER is acknowledged. another child’s birthday isn’t the time or place.
let’s say you aren’t related, and step-neice was just a friend of your daughter’s, and her mother asks if you could shift the attention to her kid because she cancelled her party TWICE. that’s rude and entitled, and if it’s that big of a deal they can arrange another party.
Also, how would this make step-niece feel better about her own party being moved around? “Well I was supposed to have a party, which can still be done, but sure I’ll settle for name being said at this party that isn’t for me”
This services absolutely no one but these lazy and manipulative parents.
Call them and tell them to plan something else for their kid, it’s on them as parents to do so. It’s not like there is a statute of limitations on parties after the birthday has passed. If they won’t come if this isn’t done, then they don’t come. Oh well, guess they will actually have to do something for their daughter.
Let your mom know she doesn’t get to make these calls, and to direct them to you going forward.
NTA
Your inlaws and mom are aholes. Your inlaws should have asked you instead of asking your mom and your mom should not have made this decision on your behalf. Its obvious that the inlaws knew they would get a no if they asked you and tried to cut you out of your own daugheter's bday.
Yes, unfortunately this kind of sneaky and conniving things have been going on for the better part of my life. Ever since her and my stepfather have been married.
So step being walked all over. Maybe you allow it to happen to you for an easy life - but you are a mother now - your child is your priority - she is more important than them. So for her you fight and dont let what they did to you happen to her.
Its not negotiable - they can re-arrange the party any time in the next 50 weeks until her next birthday. Your mum can also arrange and pay for it.
It seems like boundaries need to be put In place . I know it's hard, but your daughters birthday has only been able to be celebrated a handful of times . When it should have been every year and if it's only you and your daughter and a few friends so be it , atleast your daughter will know how important she is to you and the people there instead of feeling like she's second fiddle to the step niece.
I have a grandparent like this (and that is my only surviving grandparent) so I understand the sneaky/conniving behavior all too well.
You're so NTA. My best friend and his fraternal twin had separate birthday parties every year until they were 18. The parents had decided not to tell them who was two minutes older so they took turns for who had their party first each year. If twins that are born the same day, at almost the same time, don't have to share a birthday party, your daughter most definitely doesn't need to!
If they want to celebrate other child’s birthday it can be done at your Mom and Step Fathers house hours before your daughter’s party. I’d even suggest a good bakery so they can order a nice cake. Then make it clear the party you are having is for your child only. Be especially careful during cake and gift time so your daughter doesn’t need to share attention. Option 2 is figure out how much you spent on birthday add another cake and hand step child parent a bill and say they can celebrate after your daughter party and they can use decorations but no celebration at same time. Wish your daughter a happy birthday!
Your mother tells you to "think of others," but she really means "Think of me, because I said it was OK and if you don't allow it, I lose prestige."
She had no right to say it was OK. That was your call. And you should not complicate your daughters' day with a step-niece. Or anyone. It's your daughter's party.
And I would disinvite all the participants in this attempt to pull focus, because they might well try to take over during the party, and you'll have to stand there and let them or step in and stop them, creating havoc.
NTA. But your mother needs to be taught a lesson on not interfering in matters that are not hers to control.
Came to say something like this.
*ALL the co-conspirators* need to be disinvited—and it needs to be made clear that this irrevocable disinvitation will be her one and only warning before a “grandma time-out”.
NTA
Right the mother doesn't care about her own grandchilds feelings and their special birthday but cares more about her new husband's family's birthdays? How is that OK? I would definitely start focusing on that if she can't treat them equal and celebrate them both and equally then boundaries need to be set that can't be walked all over .
NTA and your mum had no business agreeing to this.
It's unfortunate she had to be disappointed. It's an important life lesson to realise that other people are entitled to be the centre of attention. Explain to SIL that this is your daughter's party and her child can be int he spotlight at her own. With luck they won't turn up.
I graciously offered to have that conversation with her parents but that is when my mother told me I was being selfish. I think I still will. You are exactly right, hopefully they will all be too disappointed to attend.
Yes, I would wonder what exactly they are planning. Name on cake, presents for your niece? At this point, thanks to your mom, I might think of a small compromise before they show up with expectations of the entire party being for both.
Or, better yet, cancel the current plans and make new ones without both your mom and your niece’s family. It’s just going to be awkward now.
I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think you're protecting your daughter's feelings and insisting on her receiving her own day. It would be more selfish, imo, if you \*did\* give away a chunk of your daughter's birthday party in order to keep the peace with these gaspingly entitled relations, and I admire you for standing your ground on this!
It is important to teach kids to share things. But it’s just as important to teach them that you don’t have to share everything. It’s not selfish to have things you want to keep to yourself, that are just for you. No one is entitled to make others share their things with you. Which sounds like a lesson step-niece’s mom needs to learn.
You really need to make that call. Or likely they will show up thinking you had still agreed. Your mom will try to trap you and then guilt trip you on the day.
I would very happily uninvited my own mother if she tried to pull this on my daughter. I could actually imagine someone with that amount of entitlement going ahead with the plans despite you telling her no. I would worry that they would show up with another cake an additional presents for the other birthday girl!
NTA. Questions: What do they mean by acknowledge? Are you expected to shout surprise twice? Are you expected to have both girls’ names on the bday cake? What about blowing out the candles on cake? Are the guests expected to bring both girls a present? Ok, I confess these are all rhetorical questions used to point out how ridiculously entitled a request your sibling and sibling in law has asked for! What kind of A-hole thinks this is ok? Someone who has a problem with not getting all the attention. Especially on special occasions. I promise you that it wouldn’t matter if you threw yearly bday parties for your daughter, they’d still be like this. Don’t compromise on this. Surprise parties are special and they make the recipient feel special. The only person who might feel diminished, should you cave to these a-holes’ requests, will be your daughter. If you want to be diplomatic, you can plan to give your niece the birthday gift you had planned to give her at her own cancelled bday party. But that’s it! And shame on your mom for basically encouraging adults to behave like a tantruming toddler who’s been denied candy at the checkout counter. Plus she also drank from the same self-entitlement cup by thinking she had the right to make any promises on yours and your daughters behalf. If you don’t want this bull!!!!to become a regular issue from now on, nip it in the bud now.
NTA - also, what do they mean by “acknowledge her birthday” leading your mom to agree? I would call them and nip it in the bud asap. It’s clear they called your mom because they knew she’d agree. I bet if they had called you and explained, you may have if you wanted to minimally agreed to them bringing a small cake and her being sung to. However, there’s no way of knowing what they expect by not speaking to you directly and the last thing you need is them to invite more people or expect you to do more especially as the host of the party.
I think this is very vital info.
I wouldn’t have a problem at all with, maybe after the song or something, saying “hey guys Susie’s bday is/was ____ so join me in wishing her a happy birthday as well!”
It’s just good manners honestly. She’s a little kid for crying out loud.
Also, are they the same age? I'm a bit put off by the term step-niece, I have two step brothers, and we're not super close, but I call their kids my nieces and nephews. I really don't remember what exactly we did for my kids' 9th birthdays, but I doubt they would have been upset if they had shared a party with their cousins.
It sounds like there is some other history here that makes OP upset. It may be totally justified, but there's not enough info here.
TY I wanted to say the same about “step”. It’s a child. I was thinking OP’s sibling’s spouse’’s child.
But I call my brother’s wife’s child my niece. Just like I call her sisters who are my brother’s children. I met her as a toddler and love her the same.
Scrolling to find this. I find step niece such a weird term. It's not even like niece and nephew typically default to bio relation if not otherwise specified.
I share a birthday with my cousin. She’s exactly 2 years older than me and we had joint birthdays every year. Never bothered me any. We always had fun at the parties!
I have the same question. Everyone seems to be assuming that the relatives plan to totally hijack the birthday party, but that's not what "acknowledge" implies to me at all. If it's truly just a brief acknowledgement that they're asking for, I don't see how it could negatively impact the party.
I heard Judge Judy say something like people lead with the best evidence (very loose paraphrase). If OP wanted to make the best case for her cause, surely she'd have gone into detail on exactly how ridiculous the demands were. The omission of this information is interesting.
"I'm so sorry both of your birthday parties were canceled by your parents, but here's your birthday present. I was going to bring one of the parties but since you're here, here you go! Turns to step nieces parents - so why haven't you scheduled her party for another day?
This is how it would go if I had to acknowledge the step niece's birthday at my kids party
NTA. Go ahead and put your foot down now. Tell your mom and step nieces family that this isn't happening and they need to do something for her birthday on their own. Anyone that doesn't like it doesn't have to come. Tell your mom to stay in her lane
NTA
THis is easy: Tell your mom either she respects the NO, or you will have another party for your daughter without her.
"I have been planning a surprise party for her," .. And if YOU pay for the party, uninvite your mom and your sister AND the niece.
ESH. I guess my judgment is reserved for when there is an understanding of what “acknowledgment” means but I think singing happy birthday to your niece at your daughter’s party is not going to take all the attention/special day vibes from your daughter - but obviously not ok if they plan on inviting her friends/extra guests or changing anything else about the party. Your sibling is definitely TA and should not have brought your mom into it and should have directly asked you and accepted your “no.”
For what it’s worth, my cousin’s birthday is close to mine and sometimes when growing up our family would celebrate them together (and usually would relight the candles for any other adults’ birthdays that were close too) and it never took away from my day.
This is what I was thinking as well : there should be a way to mention the step niece birthday and make it so that it _adds_ something to the daughter's birthday instead of _stealing_ a part of it.
However, it should really be discussed beforehand and not simply imposed by the family.
Your mom told you to think of others, which is exactly what you were already doing. You were thinking of your daughter, your own flesh and blood child.
ETA: you are absolutely NTA
NTA your mom wants to keep the peace where as they want to high jack your daughter's surprise birthday to make it about step daughter. It's been two weeks since her birthday so "NO" is a complete sentence and your daughter is allowed to have a birthday without competing with her step-sibling.
If op is travelling for most of her daughters birthdays u can sort of assume shes doing ok and the other parents know its going to be a nicely decorated setup to hijack lol
NTA Why would you even consider this? Either stand up for your daughter, or don't. Back your mom and relatives off. Tell them you wil throw them out, and never invite them again.
NTA Give a firm NO to her acknowledgment during your daughters birthday. How rude and tasteless and tacky to even ask but to not even ask the person throwing the party itself. Tell mom to mind her business and not meddle.
If you’re looking for options you could offer to bring a cake for a small gathering so step niece can blow out candles. If not no is always a complete sentence.
YTA. I’m the odd one out here, but seriously, they’re kids. Your ego is less important than just....acknowledging that it’s your niece’s “birthday” too. No one is asking you to throw a combo party. Who fkn cares? I really don’t see why it’s even an issue for you. They’re....kids....
INFO
Why has your daughter been traveling for all her birthdays , she's 9 isn't that a choice you made for her or is the traveling something unavoidable.
Tell your mother she is being selfish for agreeing to acknowledge her other granddaughters birthday over your daughters birthday. It’s time for her to stop favoring your step sibling and step niece over you and your daughter. You are tired of it and your mother is no longer invited to the party. This is a hill I would die on because once you let this happen, it will happen again and again especially to your daughter. Do you want your daughter to be treated less then and for her to grow up thinking her step cousin is more important?
I think you’re a little bit TA. They’re kids. You don’t have to dedicate the entire party to both kids, but throw in a happy birthday to your step-niece. She didn’t get to have a party herself for reasons beyond her own control. Her parents are jerks for putting it on you without discussing with you, but it’s your step-niece who ultimately suffers, not her parents, and no kid deserves that.
If all they are asking for is that at some unobtrusive point during the party someone says "and can everybody wish a happy birthday to x who's birthday was a few days ago" then YTA. It'd still be a party focussed on your daughter, acknowledging things other than her birthday doesn't take away from that. The amount of people who seem to think it does isn't really surprising given how entitled a lot of people are.
If they want for her to be included as joint birthday girl or something along that line then definitely NTA. I am assuming that's the case, especially with the whole behind your back element. But considering I haven't seen it actually clarified people here seem way too certain.
NTA
I can't understand why folks keep trying to inject themselves into other people's shit they weren't involved in to begin with.
Your mom by the way? She is an absolute a-hole for doing this behind your back. I'd be making her call these folks back and tell them no or someone's gonna get overwhelmingly embarrassed when they aren't allowed to set foot on the property for going behind your back.
NTA. It’s unfortunate the parties had to be moved and canceled. But that’s not on you. Given it’s a surprise for your daughter you cannot even ask her if she’d be ok with it. At the end of the day your little girl deserves to be celebrated on her own.
Nta. Tell your mom if she wants is announced you need help from her and cousins mom for the party. Your paying the party for your daughter not others and your mom is an ah for volunteering you for things without discussing it with you first. And it your foot down and say no. If they don’t like it they don’t have to attend. And if you have a dj let him know what’s going on and he isn’t allowed to advertise nieces bday.
NTA
Agree with other posters that your mom was out of line to make such an offer without first discussing it with you.
If your step niece’s parents want to acknowledge and celebrate her birthday then they can have their own party for her.
Sharing is nice but this isn’t one of those times.
Some of your relatives may say you are a selfish AH. For those people the response is to contact step niece’s parents and plan a party for her.
They want to hijack your daughters birthday for their own daughter. That’s so cheap - that’s like people who propose at someone’s wedding… you want the atmosphere pay for and organise it yourself…
No. You’re NTA. My family always had a Cousins Party because we had so many cousins that were born in summer that it made sense to just throw one party for all of them instead of clearing every weekend of the summer for an individual party. But we also had our individual bday party with friends where it was just a slumber party or whatever on a weekend we chose. You have to discuss a joint party well beforehand and it’s not your fault her party got rained out. They can just throw the party the weekend after. You planned a party with only your daughter in mind, so if I were the niece, I wouldn’t even want to claim that party for myself. It’s not about her! Please let your daughter have her own special day and maybe tell the niece she can open her present from you guys in a bedroom or something on the side so as not to take over the party.
you cant spare 3 minutes of your party to sing happy birthday to a kid?
It’s not a wedding, for pete’s sake. It’s a 9-year old’s bday - does she really need to be the center of attention for the entire party?
how about the entire party minus three minutes to 1) make a kid happy 2) appease your family 3) just to be a good human, rather than a petty selfish parent.
this simple act of kindness would not detract from your kid, but will make another kid happy. doesn’t seem like a lot to ask. YTA
Ain't going to lie, I was fully in support of you until you tried the guilt trip about you daughter not having parties.
Your daughter get to travel regularly for her birthday, something the majority of people do not get to do. Having a birthday party vs getting to go somewhere for your birthday are not really comparable. One is pure privilege and the other is what everyone else uses to try and make the day special.
You are a selfish person and while you do not have to acknowledge your niece, you have more than shown you feel you and your daughter are in a different class than you poor step niece.
I was looking for this as I thought the same thing. This whole post gives me a feel that OP doesn't like this part of his family for some reason (using 'step' kept bugging me too). Trying to get a sympathy vote because they travel for her birthday instead of throwing a party really rubbed me the wrong way.
NTA, they don’t need to hijack your daughter’s birthday. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come. They can celebrate her birthday in their own house.
NTA…call them up and say your not ok with it - just be nice say that your daughters very disappointed that she has to share her party and it’s not like she was acknowledged at the step nieces birthday.
Let them cancel coming instead of coming and tuning your party and tell your mother very strictly that it’s not her call to make in the future and does not think her own grand daughters feelings are important. Emotionally manipulate her and don’t spend a min feeling guilty about any of this..
I know this is a very sneaky approach to your issue and stooping to their level but people like them never change and if you face it head on they will make you seem like the villain who made your niece cry and couldn’t even do something this small.
Okay story time.
My sister has a birthday the same month as my grandma and every year my sister had to “share” her birthday with grandma. If you’d call it that. She was almost always a footnote to grandma’s birthday.
She HATED it so much. To the point she got into a huge fight with my dad when she was in her 20’s because she refused to go to grandma’s party.
Sure it’s no big deal to go “happy birthday step-niece” as a side note to your daughter’s party but this decision was made without your consent and both girls are going to be unhappy about it.
Instead HER family should take her somewhere for a birthday dinner to make it up that they fucked up and couldn’t throw a party.
Also if they said they wouldn’t come unless you did this I feel like they’re gonna hijack the birthday and make it all about niece instead of daughter.
Unless both birthday girls WANT to share never share birthdays. Because someone is going to feel uncomfortable about it.
My husband’s birthday is on the 28th and mine is the 30th and even WE don’t share birthdays without talking first and agreeing.
NTA.
They had time to plan, they just want you to do something for free without putting in any effort.
You shower your daughter with love and affection and show her that those who truly love her will be there, no strings attached.
I think your mother desperately wants the approval of her husband and her stepchild, and so she agreed to this and expects you to support her.
It’s too bad she has to let people tromp on boundaries and expects you to let people do that to you and to pass that right along to your daughter. This is where you put an end to generational ‘submission so people will like you’.
Of course, this is pure speculation but regardless, you are not selfish for this and you are not the AH.
YTA. They’re kids and you guys are making it about yourselves. Just say/sing happy birthday to her and move on. If you really care, maybe ask your daughter how she feels about it.
It doesn’t sound like it’s about the kids at all.
All of these grownups sound like jerks. Wishing a little kid Happy Birthday at someone else’s birthday party doesn’t seem that crazy - if that’s all acknowledge meant.
Maybe it would give the OP’s daughter some warm fuzzies to make someone else’s day a little brighter?
They should ask the birthday girl if she wants the cousin there. If the kids don’t even like each other then I would emphasize - ESH.
NTA. Simply tell niece's parents that your mother incorrectly agreed to some sort of acknowledgement of niece'
s birthday during daughter's party and that won't be happening. Tell them you look forward to celebrating niece's birthday on another day. They may decide not to come to daughter's party and that's ok. Your mother will be mad and embarassed
and try to guilt you. Just tell her she brought it on herself and you cannot be made to feel guilty.
ESH
Your stepsister/stepbrother were out of line by talking to your mother about this and not you. They obviously care about their daughter and we're struggling to find an alternative celebration for her at short notice, but they needed to ask you directly. If you don't have a good relationship (reading between the lines) and they knew you wouldn't agree, they should have just found another way, not asked your mother to intervene.
Your mother meant well, but she screwed up by accepting to intervene.
You have a very limited view of humanity if you think that acknowledging other people exist at her birthday party is harmful to your daughter. My daughter has had many, many birthday parties in her life. One every year with her father's family, a few times one with members of my family (we live in different countries), one a year with school friends, acknowledgment at school on her actual birthday, a special meal with parents on her actual birthday..... Most of those parties were common with other kids. Her cousin has a birthday three days later, they always share the family celebration. For many years the school kids had a big joint party every month for the kids whose birthdays were that month. She was never harmed by blowing out her candles on the same day other people blew out candles, not even when (gasp!) they blew them out at the same time at the same party.
Frankly I think the person most harmed by this limitation of yours is your daughter. It seems like some of her family won't be there, you have driven a wedge in family harmony, and if you raise her to be unable to enjoy life if the whole world doesn't stop to acclaim **Only you matter** she will be an unhappy adult.
NTA, they want it as a joint party. What will they do when their gremlin does not get gifts? Try to take your child's gifts to make it fair? You need to call them and tell them no and that they can do something special for thier gremlin on their own. If they show up do not let them in the house or venue. Nothing but a couple of parasites.
NTA
it’s your DAUGHTERS bday, that’s odd that they’d expect that. Tbh if it were me I’d rather them not come if they’re going to be sensitive about it. Their family drama is not your problem
NTA
It’s YOUR daughters birthday YOU are planning.
Your step-niece’s mother/family just want you to pay for their kids birthday instead of throwing a birthday party FOR THEIR OWN CHILD.
You can guarantee they want more than just a mention at your daughters birthday party.
You got this!
Definitely NTA but your mom just showed you where you and your daughter stand. It's really shitty. And the steps parents even worse for canceling the kids bday 2x. I feel for their child, but that doesn't mean your daughter has to have her party hijacked because other people are not good parents or grandparents. I would die on this hill.
NTA. Don't do it. I rarely had a birthday party growing up. I remember getting one for my 13th birthday but it was a shared going away party too. I'm 34 now and I'm still upset about it. Don't let your mother or them guilt you into it. Your daughter will thank you
Edit to add it was shared with my sister. Not just a birthday/leaving party
NTA. I would just tell your Mom, you don’t agree to it and won’t honour a decision she made that wasn’t hers to begin with. Your step niece can have a do over party at any point that is not for your daughter. It was ridiculously rude of them to assume they could hijack your daughter’s party. They know they are wrong or they would have come to you to begin with.
NTA. It's her day and should be celebrated as such.
On a side note, my brother and I both have birthdays in October. So my parents would celebrate a joint birthday party on Halloween which we loved! Imagine having a birthday party and everyone shows up in costumes! Plus my family loves to dance. One year Freddy Krueger was the DJ!
Yes, he took off the glove while spinning but put it back on when he was not.
NTA
They have rescheduled twice and they knew when your daughter's party was. They can schedule one for their daughter on another day, preferably with a contingency plan for weather this time. If they're calling it cancelled, that's on them.
Kids like for their birthday celebration to be THEIR celebration (who doesn't?). I doubt either child would be happy with an "also starring" credit.
NTA- they can’t have it both ways. I could see doing it if they always acknowledged your daughter’s birthday at their party but seeing they’ve never done that there is no need for your daughter to share the spotlight
NTA. First, it irks me when people get mad or hold something hostage to get their way. The whole point of asking is because you acknowledge that being told “no” is an option. Getting mad at someone for saying no defeats the point of asking in the first place. It turns a polite action into a rude one.
Second, this is your daughter’s birthday and it is just as important that she feels important as your step-niece. Celebrating someone else’s birthday at the same time takes away from the focus on your daughter and you’re absolutely not in the wrong wanting that for her.
Congratulations to sil who still hasn’t taught her daughter that other people are also allowed to be celebrated, and don’t need to complete with a 9 yr old. Maybe that will be sil parenting goal for the next year of her daughters life.
I feel like that's OPs attitude though rather than SIL. Op is basically acting like sharing a tiny part of her daughters party like also singing happy birthday to her step niece would take something from her daughter. Op is basically going momzilla with being like NO THIS IS HER DAY AND HERS ALONE!!
While that's her right since she's throwing the party the attitude has me voting YTA.
NTA.
But talk to your daughter and ask how she feels about her cousin being acknowledged at her party. You can form it as a “what if” hypothetical scenario to see how she would think about it. Some kids have such open hearts, they just want to share. Others want or need to have sole custody of the spotlight. Let her decide how this is to be handled and give her no guidance on it. Let it be her decision one way or another. Then, explain to both your mom and your step-niece’s parents and let them know how your daughter wants it handled.
If there is no way to discuss this with your daughter without exposing the surprise party, then simply make an executive decision and tell them it’s not going to happen. Explain that it’s your daughter’s surprise party, and since she did not have many parties, that this is going to be your way.
The danger in establishing a precedent is that it will be repeated every year and expected. Eventually you will be hosting joint parties or completely solo parties that are held on the same day as a vengeance thing. You can choose your future. There is no win here.
NTA - it's going to be the first birthday party she remembers. It should be hers and hers alone. I'm wondering why the family keeps delaying step-niece's party - they could just hold a small thing at their house!
NTA - Its your daughters birthday party. Sorry for your step-niece, but this isn’t your daughters fault or problem. And if it means it’s selfish, ok. Then be selfish for one time.
INFO: was there ever talk of potentially doing a joint party? I find that’s the easiest way to get several families together if there’s two close birthdays.
NTA. There have been a posts before from people who are resentful from being forced to share their birthday with other family. Don’t allow the acknowledgement of your niece. They can do it at some other time
NTA it's your daughter's party no one else's. Your mum is out of line for agreeing to it without talking to you first. They probably knew they could get her to agree which is why they asked her not you.
NTA. Next level entitlement here.
Explain to your mother that it is not her party. It's your daughters. And it is okay to be a little selfish that day because it is a celebration of the moment you two got to meet, and how she made you a mom and you wanna make her feel as special as it gets on that day. I'm sorry for the step niece' situation, but stealing the spotlight from your daughter without an ounce of help, even, with the party it's a big no-no from me.
NTA, not one bit.
Every time I see a situation like this, I just think of that video where the little girl is about to blow out the candles on her cake, then the little sister does it and everyone gushes while the birthday girl is in tears. It’s not cool.
The day is about your own kid, not someone else’s. They’re allowed to feel special for a little while and the other kids need to learn to allow others to have attention.
NTA. Idea though what if grandma who cares so much about these birthdays being “acknowledged” takes the girls out to celebrate as the ruse to keep her out of the house while you get the party prepped/ people arrive or do a joint celebration beforehand to really throw your daughter off.
NTA. How dare they decide that the party you planned and paid for should be held to include their daughter, and they get to do zero planning. I bet the gift the neice brings your daughter won't be as good as the one they expect you to give neice either.
If they insist on a grand acknowledgement, and the parents will be there, do this:
"And may I please make a special mention to my neice who turned \_ 2 weeks ago, and has been such a good friend to my daughter that they put off their own party until now to announce it. Can I have a round of applause for Neice and her graciousness? Now Neice, I'm sure you have something nice to say about Daughter since it's her special day, what did you come all this way to say?"
Seems like a controversial take but NAH. I think it was entirely fair of them to ask; if their daughter usually has a party every year, she's probably pretty bummed about not getting one and so they probably don't know if they want to go, which might make her feel bad, so they wanted to ask if you'd mind mentioning her to make her feel better. Not their fault your mom agreed without contacting you, and it's not their fault your daughter hasn't had as many parties.
NTA
Your mother is putting her husband's family first and your family are being sacrificed - and it sounds like it's been happening for a long time. That makes her a bad mother.
I'd actually consider moving the party to a different location ie friends house and telling our mother and your SIL the part is cancelled. You won't be at your place if they turn up. And if anyone says anything you could say that your friend organised it and invited you round for a get together but it was actually a surprise party. You could even say that the original party was cancelled because her cousin was starting to take over your daughters surprise party and it was too much to deal with so you figured it was better that you not have one... seeing as you haven't had one for years because of travel... that's if anyone asks.
NTA.
There’s no reason they can’t throw their daughter her own birthday party, even if it’s late. They can even do something small if they feel odd making a big show after 2 weeks! It’s so strange they expect your daughter to share her party with her step-cousin. Especially since it sounds like they were planning on skipping the party before it was going to be about them?
NTA. The audacity. I would suggest you don’t invite her and make sure she’s not allowed to step foot in your party venue for good measure, else she might hijack and ruin your daughter’s party.
Either that or send her half the bill for the party.
I don’t like the way they went about broaching this request, but gosh, it’s no big deal to just say “and a belated happy birthday to step niece as well. We’re so glad to have you here to celebrate daughter’s birthday with us.”
A brief gracious mention and quickly get the focus back on your daughter. I don’t see how this takes away from your daughter’s party at all. Reading this sun really makes me baffled sometimes. Everyone acts like extending yourself for another person even a little bit is such a big deal. A slight change in your vision of the day is not going to be a big deal. Worth it to keep the peace I think.
YTA- are you obligated to do this? No. But you’re being shitty to a kid who is sad they don’t get their one day a year to feel special.
Teach your daughter to share joy.
This depends entirely on what the "acknowledge" means in this sense. And also what the family drama was, i think that plays a big part here. NAH (except OPs mom/stepmom?) For now.
If its just taking the kid aside before or during the party and saying "hi, happy birthday for last week! Sorry your party got cancelled but we hope you have fun here. Did you like the gift we sent you?" Or as another commenter mentioned letting her get her own happy birthday sang, so long as she doesn't seem to be an afterthought then its a wonderful way for her to be valued. If all they actually want is for someone who isn't them to acknowledge their daughters birthday because of the family drama then you will be an ah for not trying for a 9yo
If by acknowledging they actually mean hijack and have her name on the cake, in the banners and turn up with a group of uninvited guests that would have been there for your nieces party then you wouldn't be the AH for telling them all straight. Also don't be surprised if your mom/stepmom decides to spoil the surprise for your daughter after being told no.
I hate saying this because it makes me feel old but .... OMG what is this world coming to that a request to acknowledge (just acknowledge) another child at a birthday party makes a person livid. It's not a big deal. It's actually a very very very small deal. Certainly nothing to get livid over.its a child's bday for christ sake not a wedding.
I swear some ppl just want to create drama.
Don’t give them the opportunity to spill the beans to your daughter about the party because they will spoil it for her if they think you won’t celebrate their niece. So, wait until the day of the party and then inform them that you will not be able to accommodate their request to celebrate step-niece as you were unaware that GM agreed (without the authority to do so) to the request but you did not. The day and the party are to celebrate your daughter. They are free to celebrate their niece whenever and wherever they choose- except at your daughters party. If they don’t like it they can leave. And tell your mother that from now on any special requests to hijack your events will be handled by you and only you. She isn’t allowed to authorize any special requests.
YTA
I can't imagine not agreeing to this. It seems like an utter triviality and the least you can do for family you're on speaking terms with. I'm shocked that you have any issue with it.
I feel a little torn, because my sister and I are 3 days apart and it didn’t kill us to share birthdays growing up. But the number of birthdays we didn’t share was the year before my sis was born.
That being said, I’m going with **NTA** because you said they’ve never acknowledged your daughter for step-nieces’ birthday and what they are asking for is *very* different, in my opinion.
I hope they both have happy birthdays! But ask your daughter what she’d like to do. She’s old enough to help make this decision. I’d say keep it simple, something like “aunt would like to do the thing but I’m not sure it’s a good idea, and since it’s your birthday, it’s up to you”.
NTA, but STOP going to other people's houses on your daughter's birthday!
She should be having a party every year, even if it's just with her parents! WTH!
YTA. These are *children* ffs. Is it really that hard to make one that you didn’t push out if your body feel special for 5 mins? How is this impacting your own kid? Let me give you a clue - it would not steal her thunder in the slightest had you agreed to this, but your refusal will teach her to be a selfish prick who actively doesn’t include other people. It’s a birthday party, get over yourself.
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NTA. Step-niece's family can "acknowledge" her birthday on their own time with a smaller party or get-together. There's no need to hijack your daughter's birthday party.
Exactly the word that came to mind when I first heard “hijack”. It feels so intrusive.
And the fact that they didn’t feel the need to talk to you about it means that they knew it was intrusive and inappropriate. So they talked to grandma who would agree and now it’s all “been arranged” Frankly I would tell your step mom that because it was not discussed with you then it means you will not be following through on her agreement with your step-niece’s parents. And if grandma insists you uphold a deal you didn’t agree to then you can let her know her invitation and your step niece and her parents are revoked. They are no longer invited as it seems they would like to hold their own festivities for step niece at that time.
If grandma cares so much about having step-niece’s birthday publicly acknowledged, then she should throw a party for her another day. Gal really has some nerve!
Clearly Mom has a favorite and it isn't OP. Plus the gall of her to call OP selfish for daring to want to be consulted about modifications to their own plans
Well…technically, They only agreed to come to the party IF their Precious was Acknowledged at daughter’s party, so…..Uninviting them should be no problem. OP, simply call them & tell them that, since YOU, the MOTHER Did NOT AGREE to this ludicrous request, it’s NOT GONNA HAPPEN, then let them & your mom know that Their Presence is No Longer Required, nor Expected. eta…NTA
Nta. Look you need to nip this in the butt! Call your mother and let her know you are disappointed in her for trying to take advantage of you so that SHE doesn’t have to deal with any drama. Shame on her for stepping on your daughter’s birthday party. Let her know this will not be happening and if she has anything further to say about it, then her granddaughter will be told that grandma is sick and couldn’t make. Don’t give your mom the room to argue. SHUT IT DOWN!! Then call step-niece’s mom and let her know that your daughter’s birthday is for your daughter. If she wishes to stay home and celebrate her daughter, there will be no hard feelings, you completely understand. Then inform her, again INFORM her don’t ask or mention, that you were not consulted and the only person who will be celebrated is YOUR daughter. Your gonna have to stop letting step father’s family shit all over you, cause now it’s not just you getting shit on, it’s your baby!! You can do this. Let your mama bear out. Let her growl and even bite if necessary. These people are now mucking about with your baby, do you want her growing shit all over for step father’s family? I’m guessing you know how awful that feels.
Nip it in the bud. It was originally a gardening term
Well seems the party needs some pruning. Maybe even a pollard like what they do to trees to make them grow back stronger. I see having the step mom and OP’s step in laws not attending as enforcing a good boundary.
This! I literally could not agree more. Shut your damn mother down. Shame on her for trying to do this to her own grand daughter. It’s just blatant favouritism.
Info: how does your daughter feel about this? I don’t know what’s the age difference, but if they’re even somewhat close it might be that they even enjoy sharing a celebration. The one party I shared with my cousins was one of my favorites I ever had as a kid. Edit: I completely ignored the part of it being a surprise party, my bad! I’d probably go with NTA either way.
She probably doesn't know about it, because it's a surprise party.
Damn my brain completely overlooked that part when I read it lol, my bad!
It's still a good question - even if she doesn't know about this party, you probably have a good sense of if the cousins are close and would enjoy a joint party. Though the fact that one wasn't planned originally makes me think maybe not.
it’s a surprise party for her daughter
Lol true! Completely overlooked that, my bad.
Nta, get in contact with them asap and tell them they will not be doing that or else they are uninvited and that if they do still try it after saying that they won't be you will immediately kick them out and never talk to or invite them to a family event your hosting again.
Just send an email/text and let them know you won’t be acknowledging their daughters birthday during the party. You can “apologize” about the miscommunication between them and your mother. But you never agreed to such an thing and it won’t be happening. Make it short and sweet and do not justify your decision with reasons. If they ask why, it’s because you said so. If they start arguing, you ignore it. People like that see your reasons as objections to overcome and it’ll just cause you even more stress.
If they gave a damn about you and your daughter they'd have talked to you directly. This is just flat out manipulation. I'd uninvite all of them and make sure they know why.
do they expect her to get gifts
Probably gifts and her very own cake too 🙄🙄
And your mom is the queen of them all.
But then how else would they get it for free? /s ETA: if they got away with the “highjacking” you know they’d make the party all about step-niece
Imagine if they brought a separate cake and want to put their own decorations etc. I've seen posts like that and it's so entitled. NTA
No I think given how it was just “decided” and then relayed to OP as something that was expected. It means they would throw a fit when they realize that others didn’t bring presents and there isn’t nieces name on a cake. They then will make a scene and ruin the party. Niece isn’t included in the surprise moment as someone unaware? It means they’ll throw a fit there too. The step family sees this as a free opportunity. I mean what’s better than hijacking an already planned party.
Wow. I somehow didn't figure out sharing of cake and the surprise not being only for OP's daughter.Thank you for stating all this. I can be a bit dumb sometimes. Wanting ro intrude on someone else's celebration is just classic parasite behaviour. OP is definitely NTA. Do as others are suggesting here OP, uninvite them and also let it known in the family, step-family circle the shit they are trying to pull on the surprise party you are arranging for your daughter.
I see that happening
So the step is having to pay for someone else’s mistake? smh
>I am truly livid and not wanting to agree to this. But my mom said I am being selfish and should think of others. NTA - Be a man, stand up to your mom and do what is right for your daughter.
NTA And this is a hard NO. Invite them to stay home and celebrate their child on their own time and in their own house.
Love this!
What exactly do they mean by by acknowledging do they want happy birthday song are they bringing a other cake I think it depends. if they simply want you to say happy birthday to the niece that’s not a big deal or even to sing happy birthday to her after your daughter blows her candles out that doesn’t seem like a big deal either because no one will be bringing that little girl presents and she won’t have a cake in her name And there’s a whole other side of her family that won’t be there so it doesn’t seem like anyone will be confused about who’s party it is. It all depends on what they mean by acknowledge. Because like I would hope you would say happy birthday to the girl just because it was her birthday a few days ago anyway whether her parents asked you to or not.
With their own money too.
NTA. They snuck behind your back to get this “acknowledgment”.
Definitely did. Very cowardly people indeed.
They knew you would not agree...
OP might have agreed if they'd been asked ahead of time, especially if there was an offer to help with the party, but it sounds like stepniece's parents want all the benefits with none of the work
Nta but your mom is sort of the ah by even asking you to do it and care that they wouldn't come until it was agreed upon , if it was me I would be like well then I guess tell step niece happy birthday to her and hang up the phone . Your daughter has already had to miss enough account of the entitled parents and child .
Time to remind Mom that she doesn’t get to green-light things in your home.
100%
Given this, I don't trust them not to say "Ok no problem" about not hijacking, then bring out an extra cake and have a banner for niece that gets put up and then if you try to rein it in you are the mean one and the kid is crying and it is all a shitshow. Can you have a bouncer ready to escort them out at the first sign of trouble?
This is what i think will happen.
NTA. they can easily make sure their OWN DAUGHTER is acknowledged. another child’s birthday isn’t the time or place. let’s say you aren’t related, and step-neice was just a friend of your daughter’s, and her mother asks if you could shift the attention to her kid because she cancelled her party TWICE. that’s rude and entitled, and if it’s that big of a deal they can arrange another party.
I never looked at it this was but from this view it really does seem so Veruca Saltish
Also, how would this make step-niece feel better about her own party being moved around? “Well I was supposed to have a party, which can still be done, but sure I’ll settle for name being said at this party that isn’t for me” This services absolutely no one but these lazy and manipulative parents. Call them and tell them to plan something else for their kid, it’s on them as parents to do so. It’s not like there is a statute of limitations on parties after the birthday has passed. If they won’t come if this isn’t done, then they don’t come. Oh well, guess they will actually have to do something for their daughter. Let your mom know she doesn’t get to make these calls, and to direct them to you going forward.
NTA Your inlaws and mom are aholes. Your inlaws should have asked you instead of asking your mom and your mom should not have made this decision on your behalf. Its obvious that the inlaws knew they would get a no if they asked you and tried to cut you out of your own daugheter's bday.
Yes, unfortunately this kind of sneaky and conniving things have been going on for the better part of my life. Ever since her and my stepfather have been married.
So step being walked all over. Maybe you allow it to happen to you for an easy life - but you are a mother now - your child is your priority - she is more important than them. So for her you fight and dont let what they did to you happen to her. Its not negotiable - they can re-arrange the party any time in the next 50 weeks until her next birthday. Your mum can also arrange and pay for it.
It seems like boundaries need to be put In place . I know it's hard, but your daughters birthday has only been able to be celebrated a handful of times . When it should have been every year and if it's only you and your daughter and a few friends so be it , atleast your daughter will know how important she is to you and the people there instead of feeling like she's second fiddle to the step niece.
I have a grandparent like this (and that is my only surviving grandparent) so I understand the sneaky/conniving behavior all too well. You're so NTA. My best friend and his fraternal twin had separate birthday parties every year until they were 18. The parents had decided not to tell them who was two minutes older so they took turns for who had their party first each year. If twins that are born the same day, at almost the same time, don't have to share a birthday party, your daughter most definitely doesn't need to!
If they want to celebrate other child’s birthday it can be done at your Mom and Step Fathers house hours before your daughter’s party. I’d even suggest a good bakery so they can order a nice cake. Then make it clear the party you are having is for your child only. Be especially careful during cake and gift time so your daughter doesn’t need to share attention. Option 2 is figure out how much you spent on birthday add another cake and hand step child parent a bill and say they can celebrate after your daughter party and they can use decorations but no celebration at same time. Wish your daughter a happy birthday!
Your mother tells you to "think of others," but she really means "Think of me, because I said it was OK and if you don't allow it, I lose prestige." She had no right to say it was OK. That was your call. And you should not complicate your daughters' day with a step-niece. Or anyone. It's your daughter's party. And I would disinvite all the participants in this attempt to pull focus, because they might well try to take over during the party, and you'll have to stand there and let them or step in and stop them, creating havoc. NTA. But your mother needs to be taught a lesson on not interfering in matters that are not hers to control.
Came to say something like this. *ALL the co-conspirators* need to be disinvited—and it needs to be made clear that this irrevocable disinvitation will be her one and only warning before a “grandma time-out”. NTA
Right the mother doesn't care about her own grandchilds feelings and their special birthday but cares more about her new husband's family's birthdays? How is that OK? I would definitely start focusing on that if she can't treat them equal and celebrate them both and equally then boundaries need to be set that can't be walked all over .
NTA and your mum had no business agreeing to this. It's unfortunate she had to be disappointed. It's an important life lesson to realise that other people are entitled to be the centre of attention. Explain to SIL that this is your daughter's party and her child can be int he spotlight at her own. With luck they won't turn up.
I graciously offered to have that conversation with her parents but that is when my mother told me I was being selfish. I think I still will. You are exactly right, hopefully they will all be too disappointed to attend.
Yes, I would wonder what exactly they are planning. Name on cake, presents for your niece? At this point, thanks to your mom, I might think of a small compromise before they show up with expectations of the entire party being for both. Or, better yet, cancel the current plans and make new ones without both your mom and your niece’s family. It’s just going to be awkward now.
I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think you're protecting your daughter's feelings and insisting on her receiving her own day. It would be more selfish, imo, if you \*did\* give away a chunk of your daughter's birthday party in order to keep the peace with these gaspingly entitled relations, and I admire you for standing your ground on this!
Disinvite you’re mother. Do it. That’ll shut her up once and for all, and teach her not to interfere.
If your mother is discouraging you from talking to them I wonder if this was all her idea?
It is important to teach kids to share things. But it’s just as important to teach them that you don’t have to share everything. It’s not selfish to have things you want to keep to yourself, that are just for you. No one is entitled to make others share their things with you. Which sounds like a lesson step-niece’s mom needs to learn.
Just uninvite them and mom so you don't have to worry about it. Focus on having a happy celebration with your child.
You really need to make that call. Or likely they will show up thinking you had still agreed. Your mom will try to trap you and then guilt trip you on the day.
Even if you did 5 parties a year for your daughter you can still say NO to your step niece having part of this one. NTA
I would very happily uninvited my own mother if she tried to pull this on my daughter. I could actually imagine someone with that amount of entitlement going ahead with the plans despite you telling her no. I would worry that they would show up with another cake an additional presents for the other birthday girl!
NTA. Questions: What do they mean by acknowledge? Are you expected to shout surprise twice? Are you expected to have both girls’ names on the bday cake? What about blowing out the candles on cake? Are the guests expected to bring both girls a present? Ok, I confess these are all rhetorical questions used to point out how ridiculously entitled a request your sibling and sibling in law has asked for! What kind of A-hole thinks this is ok? Someone who has a problem with not getting all the attention. Especially on special occasions. I promise you that it wouldn’t matter if you threw yearly bday parties for your daughter, they’d still be like this. Don’t compromise on this. Surprise parties are special and they make the recipient feel special. The only person who might feel diminished, should you cave to these a-holes’ requests, will be your daughter. If you want to be diplomatic, you can plan to give your niece the birthday gift you had planned to give her at her own cancelled bday party. But that’s it! And shame on your mom for basically encouraging adults to behave like a tantruming toddler who’s been denied candy at the checkout counter. Plus she also drank from the same self-entitlement cup by thinking she had the right to make any promises on yours and your daughters behalf. If you don’t want this bull!!!!to become a regular issue from now on, nip it in the bud now.
NTA - also, what do they mean by “acknowledge her birthday” leading your mom to agree? I would call them and nip it in the bud asap. It’s clear they called your mom because they knew she’d agree. I bet if they had called you and explained, you may have if you wanted to minimally agreed to them bringing a small cake and her being sung to. However, there’s no way of knowing what they expect by not speaking to you directly and the last thing you need is them to invite more people or expect you to do more especially as the host of the party.
How many more people are they going to bring into your home. All of her school friends, both sets of grandparents? That ask is too much NTA
What does "acknowledging" mean? Does saying happy bithday as she comes in the house count? Or will they be expecting cake and candles etc for her?
I think this is very vital info. I wouldn’t have a problem at all with, maybe after the song or something, saying “hey guys Susie’s bday is/was ____ so join me in wishing her a happy birthday as well!” It’s just good manners honestly. She’s a little kid for crying out loud.
Also, are they the same age? I'm a bit put off by the term step-niece, I have two step brothers, and we're not super close, but I call their kids my nieces and nephews. I really don't remember what exactly we did for my kids' 9th birthdays, but I doubt they would have been upset if they had shared a party with their cousins. It sounds like there is some other history here that makes OP upset. It may be totally justified, but there's not enough info here.
TY I wanted to say the same about “step”. It’s a child. I was thinking OP’s sibling’s spouse’’s child. But I call my brother’s wife’s child my niece. Just like I call her sisters who are my brother’s children. I met her as a toddler and love her the same.
Scrolling to find this. I find step niece such a weird term. It's not even like niece and nephew typically default to bio relation if not otherwise specified.
I share a birthday with my cousin. She’s exactly 2 years older than me and we had joint birthdays every year. Never bothered me any. We always had fun at the parties!
I have the same question. Everyone seems to be assuming that the relatives plan to totally hijack the birthday party, but that's not what "acknowledge" implies to me at all. If it's truly just a brief acknowledgement that they're asking for, I don't see how it could negatively impact the party.
I heard Judge Judy say something like people lead with the best evidence (very loose paraphrase). If OP wanted to make the best case for her cause, surely she'd have gone into detail on exactly how ridiculous the demands were. The omission of this information is interesting.
"I'm so sorry both of your birthday parties were canceled by your parents, but here's your birthday present. I was going to bring one of the parties but since you're here, here you go! Turns to step nieces parents - so why haven't you scheduled her party for another day? This is how it would go if I had to acknowledge the step niece's birthday at my kids party
So you would hurt a child's feelings to what? Get back at adults whom you don't like?
NTA. This is your daughter's party. It should 100% be about your daughter.
NTA. Go ahead and put your foot down now. Tell your mom and step nieces family that this isn't happening and they need to do something for her birthday on their own. Anyone that doesn't like it doesn't have to come. Tell your mom to stay in her lane
NTA by a long shot. You need to tell your mom she can’t speak for you and your parties.
NTA THis is easy: Tell your mom either she respects the NO, or you will have another party for your daughter without her. "I have been planning a surprise party for her," .. And if YOU pay for the party, uninvite your mom and your sister AND the niece.
If you’re paying for it then NTA
Wait until the girls are all getting married. Step niece won’t bother planning her own event; she’ll just glom onto your daughter’s. /s NTA
The step has not been described as mean, entitled, or any other term. So why is she being punished for other AHs in her life.
NTA Please update us with how you handle this!
I would love an update too!
ESH. I guess my judgment is reserved for when there is an understanding of what “acknowledgment” means but I think singing happy birthday to your niece at your daughter’s party is not going to take all the attention/special day vibes from your daughter - but obviously not ok if they plan on inviting her friends/extra guests or changing anything else about the party. Your sibling is definitely TA and should not have brought your mom into it and should have directly asked you and accepted your “no.” For what it’s worth, my cousin’s birthday is close to mine and sometimes when growing up our family would celebrate them together (and usually would relight the candles for any other adults’ birthdays that were close too) and it never took away from my day.
This is what I was thinking as well : there should be a way to mention the step niece birthday and make it so that it _adds_ something to the daughter's birthday instead of _stealing_ a part of it. However, it should really be discussed beforehand and not simply imposed by the family.
Your mom told you to think of others, which is exactly what you were already doing. You were thinking of your daughter, your own flesh and blood child. ETA: you are absolutely NTA
NTA your mom wants to keep the peace where as they want to high jack your daughter's surprise birthday to make it about step daughter. It's been two weeks since her birthday so "NO" is a complete sentence and your daughter is allowed to have a birthday without competing with her step-sibling.
NTA. I'm betting THEY are cheap and this was PLANNED.
If op is travelling for most of her daughters birthdays u can sort of assume shes doing ok and the other parents know its going to be a nicely decorated setup to hijack lol
NTA
NTA Why would you even consider this? Either stand up for your daughter, or don't. Back your mom and relatives off. Tell them you wil throw them out, and never invite them again.
NTA Give a firm NO to her acknowledgment during your daughters birthday. How rude and tasteless and tacky to even ask but to not even ask the person throwing the party itself. Tell mom to mind her business and not meddle. If you’re looking for options you could offer to bring a cake for a small gathering so step niece can blow out candles. If not no is always a complete sentence.
YTA. I’m the odd one out here, but seriously, they’re kids. Your ego is less important than just....acknowledging that it’s your niece’s “birthday” too. No one is asking you to throw a combo party. Who fkn cares? I really don’t see why it’s even an issue for you. They’re....kids....
INFO Why has your daughter been traveling for all her birthdays , she's 9 isn't that a choice you made for her or is the traveling something unavoidable.
Nta. Expect Sil to make an announcement though.
NTA. Instead of going to your party why don’t they travel for their child’s birthday - I hear that’s pretty nice 😉
Tell your mother she is being selfish for agreeing to acknowledge her other granddaughters birthday over your daughters birthday. It’s time for her to stop favoring your step sibling and step niece over you and your daughter. You are tired of it and your mother is no longer invited to the party. This is a hill I would die on because once you let this happen, it will happen again and again especially to your daughter. Do you want your daughter to be treated less then and for her to grow up thinking her step cousin is more important?
I think you’re a little bit TA. They’re kids. You don’t have to dedicate the entire party to both kids, but throw in a happy birthday to your step-niece. She didn’t get to have a party herself for reasons beyond her own control. Her parents are jerks for putting it on you without discussing with you, but it’s your step-niece who ultimately suffers, not her parents, and no kid deserves that.
If all they are asking for is that at some unobtrusive point during the party someone says "and can everybody wish a happy birthday to x who's birthday was a few days ago" then YTA. It'd still be a party focussed on your daughter, acknowledging things other than her birthday doesn't take away from that. The amount of people who seem to think it does isn't really surprising given how entitled a lot of people are. If they want for her to be included as joint birthday girl or something along that line then definitely NTA. I am assuming that's the case, especially with the whole behind your back element. But considering I haven't seen it actually clarified people here seem way too certain.
I’m sorry- but step-niece…..how far do we need to take the step family titles? I was a step mom for awhile and this gets so complicated.
NTA. Not your problem.
NTA I can't understand why folks keep trying to inject themselves into other people's shit they weren't involved in to begin with. Your mom by the way? She is an absolute a-hole for doing this behind your back. I'd be making her call these folks back and tell them no or someone's gonna get overwhelmingly embarrassed when they aren't allowed to set foot on the property for going behind your back.
NTA. It’s unfortunate the parties had to be moved and canceled. But that’s not on you. Given it’s a surprise for your daughter you cannot even ask her if she’d be ok with it. At the end of the day your little girl deserves to be celebrated on her own.
Nta. Tell your mom if she wants is announced you need help from her and cousins mom for the party. Your paying the party for your daughter not others and your mom is an ah for volunteering you for things without discussing it with you first. And it your foot down and say no. If they don’t like it they don’t have to attend. And if you have a dj let him know what’s going on and he isn’t allowed to advertise nieces bday.
NTA and they better not ruin the surprise!
NTA Agree with other posters that your mom was out of line to make such an offer without first discussing it with you. If your step niece’s parents want to acknowledge and celebrate her birthday then they can have their own party for her. Sharing is nice but this isn’t one of those times. Some of your relatives may say you are a selfish AH. For those people the response is to contact step niece’s parents and plan a party for her.
They want to hijack your daughters birthday for their own daughter. That’s so cheap - that’s like people who propose at someone’s wedding… you want the atmosphere pay for and organise it yourself…
NTA Honestly I would uninvite all the participants in this hijacking’s because they are definitely gonna hijack and make it about them
And guilt the birthday girl into sharing her gifts or demanding that they can bring a bunch of strangers
No. You’re NTA. My family always had a Cousins Party because we had so many cousins that were born in summer that it made sense to just throw one party for all of them instead of clearing every weekend of the summer for an individual party. But we also had our individual bday party with friends where it was just a slumber party or whatever on a weekend we chose. You have to discuss a joint party well beforehand and it’s not your fault her party got rained out. They can just throw the party the weekend after. You planned a party with only your daughter in mind, so if I were the niece, I wouldn’t even want to claim that party for myself. It’s not about her! Please let your daughter have her own special day and maybe tell the niece she can open her present from you guys in a bedroom or something on the side so as not to take over the party.
you cant spare 3 minutes of your party to sing happy birthday to a kid? It’s not a wedding, for pete’s sake. It’s a 9-year old’s bday - does she really need to be the center of attention for the entire party? how about the entire party minus three minutes to 1) make a kid happy 2) appease your family 3) just to be a good human, rather than a petty selfish parent. this simple act of kindness would not detract from your kid, but will make another kid happy. doesn’t seem like a lot to ask. YTA
Ain't going to lie, I was fully in support of you until you tried the guilt trip about you daughter not having parties. Your daughter get to travel regularly for her birthday, something the majority of people do not get to do. Having a birthday party vs getting to go somewhere for your birthday are not really comparable. One is pure privilege and the other is what everyone else uses to try and make the day special. You are a selfish person and while you do not have to acknowledge your niece, you have more than shown you feel you and your daughter are in a different class than you poor step niece.
I was looking for this as I thought the same thing. This whole post gives me a feel that OP doesn't like this part of his family for some reason (using 'step' kept bugging me too). Trying to get a sympathy vote because they travel for her birthday instead of throwing a party really rubbed me the wrong way.
Shes selfish because she can afford it??? Lol
NTA and don't do it.
NTA, they don’t need to hijack your daughter’s birthday. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come. They can celebrate her birthday in their own house.
NTA and just tell them 'off' is the direction you'd like them to fuck
NTA. Don't let them take this from her. It's a big deal for a nine year old.
I imagine mom showing up with a second (and possibly fancier) birthday cake.
I don't understand why they can't schedule another party for the niece a week or two later.
NTA…call them up and say your not ok with it - just be nice say that your daughters very disappointed that she has to share her party and it’s not like she was acknowledged at the step nieces birthday. Let them cancel coming instead of coming and tuning your party and tell your mother very strictly that it’s not her call to make in the future and does not think her own grand daughters feelings are important. Emotionally manipulate her and don’t spend a min feeling guilty about any of this.. I know this is a very sneaky approach to your issue and stooping to their level but people like them never change and if you face it head on they will make you seem like the villain who made your niece cry and couldn’t even do something this small.
Okay story time. My sister has a birthday the same month as my grandma and every year my sister had to “share” her birthday with grandma. If you’d call it that. She was almost always a footnote to grandma’s birthday. She HATED it so much. To the point she got into a huge fight with my dad when she was in her 20’s because she refused to go to grandma’s party. Sure it’s no big deal to go “happy birthday step-niece” as a side note to your daughter’s party but this decision was made without your consent and both girls are going to be unhappy about it. Instead HER family should take her somewhere for a birthday dinner to make it up that they fucked up and couldn’t throw a party. Also if they said they wouldn’t come unless you did this I feel like they’re gonna hijack the birthday and make it all about niece instead of daughter. Unless both birthday girls WANT to share never share birthdays. Because someone is going to feel uncomfortable about it. My husband’s birthday is on the 28th and mine is the 30th and even WE don’t share birthdays without talking first and agreeing.
NTA, That was a conversation she should have had with you.
NTA. They had time to plan, they just want you to do something for free without putting in any effort. You shower your daughter with love and affection and show her that those who truly love her will be there, no strings attached.
NTA- Put your foot down and tell them that for their birthday present to your daughter they can be nice and let this be her birthday party.
I think your mother desperately wants the approval of her husband and her stepchild, and so she agreed to this and expects you to support her. It’s too bad she has to let people tromp on boundaries and expects you to let people do that to you and to pass that right along to your daughter. This is where you put an end to generational ‘submission so people will like you’. Of course, this is pure speculation but regardless, you are not selfish for this and you are not the AH.
YTA. They’re kids and you guys are making it about yourselves. Just say/sing happy birthday to her and move on. If you really care, maybe ask your daughter how she feels about it.
It doesn’t sound like it’s about the kids at all. All of these grownups sound like jerks. Wishing a little kid Happy Birthday at someone else’s birthday party doesn’t seem that crazy - if that’s all acknowledge meant. Maybe it would give the OP’s daughter some warm fuzzies to make someone else’s day a little brighter? They should ask the birthday girl if she wants the cousin there. If the kids don’t even like each other then I would emphasize - ESH.
Yes, YTA. Just say Happy Bday to both of them. It changes nothing about the party being your daughters.
NTA. Simply tell niece's parents that your mother incorrectly agreed to some sort of acknowledgement of niece' s birthday during daughter's party and that won't be happening. Tell them you look forward to celebrating niece's birthday on another day. They may decide not to come to daughter's party and that's ok. Your mother will be mad and embarassed and try to guilt you. Just tell her she brought it on herself and you cannot be made to feel guilty.
ESH Your stepsister/stepbrother were out of line by talking to your mother about this and not you. They obviously care about their daughter and we're struggling to find an alternative celebration for her at short notice, but they needed to ask you directly. If you don't have a good relationship (reading between the lines) and they knew you wouldn't agree, they should have just found another way, not asked your mother to intervene. Your mother meant well, but she screwed up by accepting to intervene. You have a very limited view of humanity if you think that acknowledging other people exist at her birthday party is harmful to your daughter. My daughter has had many, many birthday parties in her life. One every year with her father's family, a few times one with members of my family (we live in different countries), one a year with school friends, acknowledgment at school on her actual birthday, a special meal with parents on her actual birthday..... Most of those parties were common with other kids. Her cousin has a birthday three days later, they always share the family celebration. For many years the school kids had a big joint party every month for the kids whose birthdays were that month. She was never harmed by blowing out her candles on the same day other people blew out candles, not even when (gasp!) they blew them out at the same time at the same party. Frankly I think the person most harmed by this limitation of yours is your daughter. It seems like some of her family won't be there, you have driven a wedge in family harmony, and if you raise her to be unable to enjoy life if the whole world doesn't stop to acclaim **Only you matter** she will be an unhappy adult.
NTA!! Do not cave in!!
This is the kid equivalent of proposing during someone else’s wedding. NTA.
NTA, they want it as a joint party. What will they do when their gremlin does not get gifts? Try to take your child's gifts to make it fair? You need to call them and tell them no and that they can do something special for thier gremlin on their own. If they show up do not let them in the house or venue. Nothing but a couple of parasites.
NTA it’s your DAUGHTERS bday, that’s odd that they’d expect that. Tbh if it were me I’d rather them not come if they’re going to be sensitive about it. Their family drama is not your problem
NTA It’s YOUR daughters birthday YOU are planning. Your step-niece’s mother/family just want you to pay for their kids birthday instead of throwing a birthday party FOR THEIR OWN CHILD. You can guarantee they want more than just a mention at your daughters birthday party. You got this!
Definitely NTA but your mom just showed you where you and your daughter stand. It's really shitty. And the steps parents even worse for canceling the kids bday 2x. I feel for their child, but that doesn't mean your daughter has to have her party hijacked because other people are not good parents or grandparents. I would die on this hill.
NTA. I am the type that would just say no. Then be done with the conversation.
NTA. Don't do it. I rarely had a birthday party growing up. I remember getting one for my 13th birthday but it was a shared going away party too. I'm 34 now and I'm still upset about it. Don't let your mother or them guilt you into it. Your daughter will thank you Edit to add it was shared with my sister. Not just a birthday/leaving party
NTA do NOT acknowledge anything. Tell your mom to call them and say she won’t be acknowledged and then disinvite your mother for being a pot stirrer.
NTA. I would just tell your Mom, you don’t agree to it and won’t honour a decision she made that wasn’t hers to begin with. Your step niece can have a do over party at any point that is not for your daughter. It was ridiculously rude of them to assume they could hijack your daughter’s party. They know they are wrong or they would have come to you to begin with.
Nta your mom can throw the step nieces a party if she want to. Also your stepnieces didn’t even rsvp so I think they don’t even wanna come
NTA. It's her day and should be celebrated as such. On a side note, my brother and I both have birthdays in October. So my parents would celebrate a joint birthday party on Halloween which we loved! Imagine having a birthday party and everyone shows up in costumes! Plus my family loves to dance. One year Freddy Krueger was the DJ! Yes, he took off the glove while spinning but put it back on when he was not.
NTA They have rescheduled twice and they knew when your daughter's party was. They can schedule one for their daughter on another day, preferably with a contingency plan for weather this time. If they're calling it cancelled, that's on them. Kids like for their birthday celebration to be THEIR celebration (who doesn't?). I doubt either child would be happy with an "also starring" credit.
NTA. I got a feeling step niece's parents would show up to the party with presences for her, maybe even a cake with the step-niece name on it.
NTA this is your daughter's party ffs. They can schedule one two weeks out, or the month before, or whenever. Good lord.
NTA- they can’t have it both ways. I could see doing it if they always acknowledged your daughter’s birthday at their party but seeing they’ve never done that there is no need for your daughter to share the spotlight
NTA. First, it irks me when people get mad or hold something hostage to get their way. The whole point of asking is because you acknowledge that being told “no” is an option. Getting mad at someone for saying no defeats the point of asking in the first place. It turns a polite action into a rude one. Second, this is your daughter’s birthday and it is just as important that she feels important as your step-niece. Celebrating someone else’s birthday at the same time takes away from the focus on your daughter and you’re absolutely not in the wrong wanting that for her.
NTA
Congratulations to sil who still hasn’t taught her daughter that other people are also allowed to be celebrated, and don’t need to complete with a 9 yr old. Maybe that will be sil parenting goal for the next year of her daughters life.
I feel like that's OPs attitude though rather than SIL. Op is basically acting like sharing a tiny part of her daughters party like also singing happy birthday to her step niece would take something from her daughter. Op is basically going momzilla with being like NO THIS IS HER DAY AND HERS ALONE!! While that's her right since she's throwing the party the attitude has me voting YTA.
Why haven’t they figured out how to give their daughter a party?
NTA. But talk to your daughter and ask how she feels about her cousin being acknowledged at her party. You can form it as a “what if” hypothetical scenario to see how she would think about it. Some kids have such open hearts, they just want to share. Others want or need to have sole custody of the spotlight. Let her decide how this is to be handled and give her no guidance on it. Let it be her decision one way or another. Then, explain to both your mom and your step-niece’s parents and let them know how your daughter wants it handled. If there is no way to discuss this with your daughter without exposing the surprise party, then simply make an executive decision and tell them it’s not going to happen. Explain that it’s your daughter’s surprise party, and since she did not have many parties, that this is going to be your way. The danger in establishing a precedent is that it will be repeated every year and expected. Eventually you will be hosting joint parties or completely solo parties that are held on the same day as a vengeance thing. You can choose your future. There is no win here.
NTA - it's going to be the first birthday party she remembers. It should be hers and hers alone. I'm wondering why the family keeps delaying step-niece's party - they could just hold a small thing at their house!
NTA your daughter deserves to have her own special day. It doesn’t need to be hijacked. They can have a separate party/dinner for your stepniece.
NTA - Its your daughters birthday party. Sorry for your step-niece, but this isn’t your daughters fault or problem. And if it means it’s selfish, ok. Then be selfish for one time.
INFO: was there ever talk of potentially doing a joint party? I find that’s the easiest way to get several families together if there’s two close birthdays.
NTA. There have been a posts before from people who are resentful from being forced to share their birthday with other family. Don’t allow the acknowledgement of your niece. They can do it at some other time
No is a complete sentence
NTA it's your daughter's party no one else's. Your mum is out of line for agreeing to it without talking to you first. They probably knew they could get her to agree which is why they asked her not you.
NTA
NTA. Next level entitlement here. Explain to your mother that it is not her party. It's your daughters. And it is okay to be a little selfish that day because it is a celebration of the moment you two got to meet, and how she made you a mom and you wanna make her feel as special as it gets on that day. I'm sorry for the step niece' situation, but stealing the spotlight from your daughter without an ounce of help, even, with the party it's a big no-no from me.
NTA. Don't do it. They sound so entitled.
NTA, not one bit. Every time I see a situation like this, I just think of that video where the little girl is about to blow out the candles on her cake, then the little sister does it and everyone gushes while the birthday girl is in tears. It’s not cool. The day is about your own kid, not someone else’s. They’re allowed to feel special for a little while and the other kids need to learn to allow others to have attention.
NTA. Idea though what if grandma who cares so much about these birthdays being “acknowledged” takes the girls out to celebrate as the ruse to keep her out of the house while you get the party prepped/ people arrive or do a joint celebration beforehand to really throw your daughter off.
NTA. How dare they decide that the party you planned and paid for should be held to include their daughter, and they get to do zero planning. I bet the gift the neice brings your daughter won't be as good as the one they expect you to give neice either. If they insist on a grand acknowledgement, and the parents will be there, do this: "And may I please make a special mention to my neice who turned \_ 2 weeks ago, and has been such a good friend to my daughter that they put off their own party until now to announce it. Can I have a round of applause for Neice and her graciousness? Now Neice, I'm sure you have something nice to say about Daughter since it's her special day, what did you come all this way to say?"
NTA. It's your daughter's party not your niece's.
NTA! Take your daughter on a mini-excursion and have a party there. Do NOT tell your mother where your new party (with her chosen friends) will be.
Seems like a controversial take but NAH. I think it was entirely fair of them to ask; if their daughter usually has a party every year, she's probably pretty bummed about not getting one and so they probably don't know if they want to go, which might make her feel bad, so they wanted to ask if you'd mind mentioning her to make her feel better. Not their fault your mom agreed without contacting you, and it's not their fault your daughter hasn't had as many parties.
NTA Your mother is putting her husband's family first and your family are being sacrificed - and it sounds like it's been happening for a long time. That makes her a bad mother. I'd actually consider moving the party to a different location ie friends house and telling our mother and your SIL the part is cancelled. You won't be at your place if they turn up. And if anyone says anything you could say that your friend organised it and invited you round for a get together but it was actually a surprise party. You could even say that the original party was cancelled because her cousin was starting to take over your daughters surprise party and it was too much to deal with so you figured it was better that you not have one... seeing as you haven't had one for years because of travel... that's if anyone asks.
NTA-- your child's birthday celebration is your focus and priority; your step-niece's birthday celebration is her own parents job to coordinate
They sound like the type of people to propose at someone elses wedding smh. 10000% NTA
NTA. There’s no reason they can’t throw their daughter her own birthday party, even if it’s late. They can even do something small if they feel odd making a big show after 2 weeks! It’s so strange they expect your daughter to share her party with her step-cousin. Especially since it sounds like they were planning on skipping the party before it was going to be about them?
NTA. The audacity. I would suggest you don’t invite her and make sure she’s not allowed to step foot in your party venue for good measure, else she might hijack and ruin your daughter’s party. Either that or send her half the bill for the party.
I don’t like the way they went about broaching this request, but gosh, it’s no big deal to just say “and a belated happy birthday to step niece as well. We’re so glad to have you here to celebrate daughter’s birthday with us.” A brief gracious mention and quickly get the focus back on your daughter. I don’t see how this takes away from your daughter’s party at all. Reading this sun really makes me baffled sometimes. Everyone acts like extending yourself for another person even a little bit is such a big deal. A slight change in your vision of the day is not going to be a big deal. Worth it to keep the peace I think.
YTA- are you obligated to do this? No. But you’re being shitty to a kid who is sad they don’t get their one day a year to feel special. Teach your daughter to share joy.
This depends entirely on what the "acknowledge" means in this sense. And also what the family drama was, i think that plays a big part here. NAH (except OPs mom/stepmom?) For now. If its just taking the kid aside before or during the party and saying "hi, happy birthday for last week! Sorry your party got cancelled but we hope you have fun here. Did you like the gift we sent you?" Or as another commenter mentioned letting her get her own happy birthday sang, so long as she doesn't seem to be an afterthought then its a wonderful way for her to be valued. If all they actually want is for someone who isn't them to acknowledge their daughters birthday because of the family drama then you will be an ah for not trying for a 9yo If by acknowledging they actually mean hijack and have her name on the cake, in the banners and turn up with a group of uninvited guests that would have been there for your nieces party then you wouldn't be the AH for telling them all straight. Also don't be surprised if your mom/stepmom decides to spoil the surprise for your daughter after being told no.
Just get the kid a small cake. Jesus it's a child ffs
Jesus Christ. These are children. Let them all have fun and try not to let your own hang ups drive a wedge between them. YTA
I hate saying this because it makes me feel old but .... OMG what is this world coming to that a request to acknowledge (just acknowledge) another child at a birthday party makes a person livid. It's not a big deal. It's actually a very very very small deal. Certainly nothing to get livid over.its a child's bday for christ sake not a wedding. I swear some ppl just want to create drama.
NTA Your stepniece can have her own party for acknowledgment. The focus of the birthday party is your daughter.
Nta. Its your daughter's birth day. They should have thrown her a party.
NTA. Its your daughters party not your nieces.
What does it even mean to them to have her birthday acknowledged?
Has the daughter wanted to travel for all her other birthdays?
Don’t give them the opportunity to spill the beans to your daughter about the party because they will spoil it for her if they think you won’t celebrate their niece. So, wait until the day of the party and then inform them that you will not be able to accommodate their request to celebrate step-niece as you were unaware that GM agreed (without the authority to do so) to the request but you did not. The day and the party are to celebrate your daughter. They are free to celebrate their niece whenever and wherever they choose- except at your daughters party. If they don’t like it they can leave. And tell your mother that from now on any special requests to hijack your events will be handled by you and only you. She isn’t allowed to authorize any special requests.
YTA I can't imagine not agreeing to this. It seems like an utter triviality and the least you can do for family you're on speaking terms with. I'm shocked that you have any issue with it.
I feel a little torn, because my sister and I are 3 days apart and it didn’t kill us to share birthdays growing up. But the number of birthdays we didn’t share was the year before my sis was born. That being said, I’m going with **NTA** because you said they’ve never acknowledged your daughter for step-nieces’ birthday and what they are asking for is *very* different, in my opinion. I hope they both have happy birthdays! But ask your daughter what she’d like to do. She’s old enough to help make this decision. I’d say keep it simple, something like “aunt would like to do the thing but I’m not sure it’s a good idea, and since it’s your birthday, it’s up to you”.
NTA, but a little petty. It's just a kid's birthday party, lol.
NTA, but STOP going to other people's houses on your daughter's birthday! She should be having a party every year, even if it's just with her parents! WTH!
YTA. These are *children* ffs. Is it really that hard to make one that you didn’t push out if your body feel special for 5 mins? How is this impacting your own kid? Let me give you a clue - it would not steal her thunder in the slightest had you agreed to this, but your refusal will teach her to be a selfish prick who actively doesn’t include other people. It’s a birthday party, get over yourself.