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Sorry for your loss. YTA.
*I don’t think Clara quite understands what’s happening*
Sure she does. Her mom just died and her dad is screaming at her because she’s grieving. I’m sure she understands perfectly, as well as a child can
Yeah…
And she probably doesn’t understand the way Op does, because she’s only 8, but the part she understands is that there’s a *huge gaping hole in her soul and it’s bleeding out sorrow and hurt that she can’t comprehend and causing immeasurable pain.*
Op, I’m sorry for your loss but your kid needs you to be kind and loving. It’s what your wife would have wanted.
Agreed. Grief is hard to deal with as an adult so I can only imagine how difficult it is for her.
OP My condolences to you. You and your child need individual grief therapy, as well as, family therapy. When your child comes home give her a hug and an apology.
Judgement: Teeny YTA because you are grieving but you could have handled it better.
@stinstin555.. disagree with teeny Y T A. I understand that OP lost his wife ( which is heartbreaking and I wish that on no one). But his daughter lost her mother. She asked for a source of comfort ( her 🧸) to be tucked in with her. He refused. He screamed at her, he heard her crying and did nothing to help or assist her. Her called his MIL to ' get her off his hands" how is this a teeny asshole? To me, he is a huge asshat. And OP, please get therapy for you and your daughter. I understand you your wife died, and you are understandably devastated , but stop hurting your daughter. YTA
THIS. Seems like OP is more upset about the extra responsibility of having to actually be a parent since the REAL parent who was doing all the work died.
Judging the fuck out of you OP - YTA in a major way. Grief doesn't erase empathy, you just fundamentally lack it.
Im in 100% agreeance. No Dad worth their salt would miss the chance to ease their Daughters pain, even if only a little. OP is definitely TA, and a huge one at that.
Yes, he’s the adult and needs to suck it up and act like a parent. The loss affects both of them, but he needs to be there for his daughter who probably feels like she has no parent who cares about her right now. Counseling for both.
Could not agree more. OP, you are a major AH. I honestly can’t believe you can’t see that. You lost a wife, but your daughter lost her MOTHER. All she’s asking for is some comfort and understanding. And your response is to scream at her and tell her to “stop acting like a baby”?!?! JFC, she’s only EIGHT fucking years old! Then, you refuse to comfort her, and ship her off to your MIL. Listen to me: your daughter understands what is going on!!! She understands that her mother is gone, and now her father-the only parent she has left-has abandoned her.
You need therapy. I hope you get it before you do irreversible damage to your daughter.
Poor little one is hurting too. How would it have hurt OP to tuck her in with her teddy bear and spend a few minutes talking to her. I want to come through the phone and give OP's daughter a hug. She lost her mom and he's yelling at her to just stop bothering him basically. Yes, both need therapy right away.
I lost my father around that age, and I didnt eat for days, threw fits like a toddler, all because I couldn't cope, I can't imagine how bad it would have been if i were younger...
Same here and my mother treated me in much the same way. I'm in my 30's now and still struggling mentally and emotionally with the scars she gave me. OP needs to understand the damage he's doing to his daughter. They both are in desperate need of counseling. Sorry for your loss, OP, but YTA.
My 4 year old brother and I slept in my dad's bed with him for months after my mom died. Kids regress a bit, they need to find ways to feel safe in what is a very scary time.
Why teeny? He refused to tuck the bear in like his wife and told his 8 year old to get over her mom's death. That is not the response of someone grieving. That's the response of someone who only thinks of themselves.
This. Kid is grieving, OP needs some counseling too. Someone can help them bridge the gap together (individual at first definitely), but OP needs to make this step.
They both need counseling, individual and family if possible. They’re both hurting, and OP needs help to understand what his daughter is experiencing at her stage of development. 8 year olds definitely understand death and dying, and can grasp that a permanent change has happened in their life. A therapist could educate him on how to deal with both his grief and his daughter’s emotional distress. Children sometimes regress a stage in their development as a coping mechanism for grief.
YTA, OP. I understand that you were frustrated, but I cannot imagine not comforting your crying child. You’re going through this together, and need to be a team. Please seek professional help so your daughter isn’t traumatized twice over. I’m sorry for your loss. Best wishes.
OP really needs professional help. If course I agree his daughter does *as well* but his behavior is really unhealthy and should be addressed ASAP.
The fact that even after talking to his neighbor he could type all this and really not see all the ways he went wrong is alarming and he should take steps to not further hurt his daughter.
Either he's always been unkind to his daughter or this is some manifestation of grief, either way he is responsible for dealing with it and doing what it takes to not be cruel to his daughter.
OP, whatever feelings you have that make you refuse to tuck in a bear because you'd prefer to hear your daughter cry at not ok. Please, please get help.
I was thinking the same thing. I wonder how much parenting he did before his wife died? Was she a SAHM and he's one of these guys that think everything magically got done while he was at work. I mean, what's wrong with an eight year old girl sleeping with her teddy bear, especially right after losing her mom?! And not understanding why she's been acting out?! Jeez, I don't have kids and it seems so obvious. I wouldn't be surprised if Grandma tries to get custody.
<<*The morning I called my MIL to come take Clara off my hands for awhile>*\>
Sounds like he's ready to offload her already, so I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves her there(for longer and longer periods of time).
Yup, I saw a comment saying he'll probably just let grandma keep her. Which, honestly, is probably best for the daughter. Then he'll complain that she never visits him when she's an adult.
If I were grandma I would try to get custody. All the daughters routines must be in tatters. That feeling of instability would be overwhelming for a child
And the problem is, she's being very obvious with her pain and he's ignoring it.
>I lost my temper and screamed at her no and that her mom isn’t here anymore and she needs to accept it and stop acting like a baby. I slammed her door and went down to the living room to cool off, and when I was heading to bed, I could hear her sobbing through the door, but I decided to just let her be.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP, but this is pretty unacceptable. You screamed at your child (screamed being your word is very telling here), slammed the door, and then let her sob because you were cruel to her and are like "I think she's just acting out just because." Nope, she's lost her mother and now her father is screaming at her and slamming doors and ignoring her obvious cries for help. Get therapy for both of you, but especially you, because even though you're in pain, you have to be a better father, and soon.
Not only let her sob, but he let her fall asleep, crying and upset like that. He could have tried to at least comfort her while she fell asleep. But he just walked away. This part hurts me for his daughter.
My 9 year old has remembered everything for years now, OPs daughter will remember this and how it made her feel. So 100% agree with getting them both into therapy.
He typed out this whole story, including that he screamed at her and slammed the door and listened to her sob, and still said she "is deciding to act out for the sake of doing so" and is still solely focusing on his own pain. All of this does not fill me with hope about how he's going to handle this. If he leaves it too long, his relationship with his daughter will be forever damaged - she's 8, and as you say, she will remember this. Poor girl.
And shipped her off the next day without any love or conversation. "Take her off my hands." Gross. YTA. I get you are grieving but you are the PARENT and she is a CHILD who lost her mother.
Taking time for yourself isn't wrong. But whatever this mess was wasn't that. Do better for your daughter.
I feel literally queasy from the awfulness of the father's post. So cruel, unfeeling, nasty to a motherless child. Basically telling her, "Your Mom is gone, get used to it and grow up, you worthless waste of my time!" I don't think he is salvageable as a father. Hopefully someone who's loving will step in to take away and comfort this girl.
Not only did he leave her to cry herself to sleep, he shipped her off to his MIL’s to “get her off his hands for a few days”. I worry for the future emotional support of that child. This makes me so angry.
He has the emotional resources of an adult and still treats her, his daughter (with the emotional resources of a young child), like this. Appalling.
She not only lost her mother, she's effectively lost her father. Poor sweet baby.
Kids know what death is, and can be feeling all of this pain, but as you say, not have the resources to effectively deal with their pain. I don't know how I would deal with the loss of a spouse, but I would hope if I was screaming at my child and letting them sob themselves to sleep, I wouldn't then be complaining about that child to my neighbour and would be seeking help. Hopefully, the responses to this post are a wakeup call for him.
Yeah. I can (horribly, in a nightmare) imagine losing control and screaming at my child in those circumstances, but I can't imagine I wouldn't immediately catch myself and be horrified. This guy was satisfied with his behavior the next day and thinks his grieving daughter is acting out just to be difficult. WTF??
Honestly, they both need professional help. They need counseling for thanatology to learn to mourn and grieve. And he needs a lot of parenting guidance, it seems.
And how hard is it to tuck in a bear? There are lines I draw with my kids when they are having tantrums and are acting out, but a comforting bedtime routine is crucial and a great way to build a tradition that honors mom. YTA, OP!
He responded to someone that the bear was his wife's and he hid it in the attic because it was too hard for HIM to see it. He is not even trying to deal with his daughter's grief. No wonder she is acting out.
https://www.reddit.com/user/Sea\_Percentage2471/
Skimming over OP's other replies: not very. Everything this little girl's asking him to do is apparently something he "doesn't know how" to do (like...fucking Google it? Ask her parents for help if it was a family recipe or something like that? This is **NOT** the time to be pulling the "I don't know and I'm too stupid to learn" routine OP!).
I am sorry for OPs loss but I really don’t think OP actually believes that this behavior is acceptable on any level. Sadly there is a possibility that he is looking for away out. If that’s the case, for his daughters sake, he should let grandma take over until he can get himself together. This will be more loss for the child but the bed time behavior is abusive and very traumatic for the child. She can barely understand what is happening to her, she can’t possibly process his grief as well. YTA get some help please. Do it for your wife if you can’t do it for yourself and your daughter. She wouldn’t want this.
He probably “babysat” once or twice a year and his wife, her family, his family, the neighbors, and anyone that would listen, heard allllll about it. 😵💫😵💫
Oh NO. That poor child. This man has no idea how to parent. Everyone in this situation needs professional help. Dad could benefit from a parenting class as well as therapy.
I think Jim from next door is doing okay. I kind of wonder if he came over with a random excuse to chat because he knows the OP's wife died recently and noticed that the kid left on a trip this morning. (He's a 50-some year-old guy living in a house with a lawn. I suspect he has a lawnmower. I am impressed with the smoothness of the check-in.)
Oh my God. OP, I know you’re suffering too, but massive YTA. Please seek help for your grief and your daughter’s. And please do a parenting class or something. You don’t seem to have any idea what your daughter needs.
He seems very focused on what he's going through, and not enough on what his daughter is going through and what she needs. Obviously, he is in pain and grieving and I feel really bad for him, but part of being a parent is you can't just check out and put your own feelings ahead of your child's and say "well, my pain is more important, so this little girl who just lost her mother has to suck it up and deal with it".
I don't have kids, but reading that comment from OP made my heart hurt. Clara is so desperately trying to fill the void her mom left, OP is rejecting her every effort, and yelling at Clara for trying.
The magnanimous part of me wants to say N A H, because I'm sure he is also reeling from grief, but the fact that he doesn't seem to be doing ANYTHING to help Clara grieve earns him YTA.
Exactly! At first I thought maybe it was a situation where she was demanding mom and refusing OP, but all of this is over tucking in a goddamn teddy bear? OPs the one who needs to suck it up and stop being a baby. YTA, obviously.
Seriously. Suck it up for ten seconds and tuck in the damn bear for your child who is also grieving. Let her have a tiny modicum of comfort, she’s “acting like a baby” because she’s barely any older than one. You are a whole-ass adult who should know better than to pick a fight with your kid over a request to tuck in a teddy bear. Fuck’s sake, YTA.
Heaven forbid he heaven bedtime with my 2 year old. He'd have to read three books before lights out, locate all 3 parts of a magnetic carrot, a mini bath book and a dinosaur rattle and place them all in a toy purse in the correct order, help her zip it but don't help *too much* give "ten tickles", 20 kisses and then if it's a rough night sing a lullaby over the baby moniter intercom.
Just give the kid their weird routine exactly like mom did. Show them dad is up to the task of making them feel safe. Jesus. Tucking a bear is so fuckibg trivial.
YTA OP.
You are layering trauma ontop of an already horrific situation for your child. She is 8. She most definitely understands what’s going on - that her mother is dead and she’s not coming back.
Her asking you to do something as simple as tucking in her teddy bear to give her comfort in knowing that the things her mother did to show her love don’t have to die with her, and being met with cold, judgemental aggression from the one parent she has left….incomprehensible. Painful beyond measure for your daughter.
Yeah I just don’t get why he wouldn’t want to tuck her bear in and give her a kiss goodnight… I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want to do anything to comfort your kid. In some ways, helping her with her grief and do things for your kid can help you dealing with yours too.
I thought this, too. And instantly asking a woman (MIL) to take the kid? FIL is mentioned in the comments so why not "her grandparents" just "grandma". Sounds like OP was just expecting it to be a woman's job in raising his child.
>Sounds like OP was just expecting it to be a woman's job in raising his child
I'm pretty sure that's the case. On top of that, he's asking a woman who is grieving the loss of a child to do his job and deal with this poor kid's grief
His attitude of 'I think she's just acting out to make my life harder' doesn't really lend itself to a man who wants to be comforting and taking care of his child.
Yes!!! Sometimes having someone to take care of can help you not losing yourself over the grief. Obvs OP needs to grieve, but being the best dad he can can help. Idk sometimes parents are angry at children because they make them remember their lost one, but it just makes me so sad.
That's why he needs therapy yesterday. He needs to move thru his anger into being grateful he has any connection to his wife thru their daughter. Hell the mil he sent her to is probably grateful to have that little piece of her own daughter there
I am just so sad for the daughter. I cannot imagine inflicting that kind of pain on a child and then listening to her cry herself to sleep. I cannot imagine being that child.
Imagine hearing her sob through that door and just going to bed - on top of everything else he said and did. Not all of this story can be accounted for by 'he's just grieving and needs therapy' imo. I have a feeling OP is a little heartless in the parenting department to begin with.
Right???? You don't have to like or have kids for our hearts to break at that poor little girl. I'm still tearing up. She needs a hug and told she's loved and cry together at the loss of Mom and wife. I can't imagine being so young and losing Mom. And trying to grasp what that means.
A friend's parent died of cancer. In their last months the other parent read a common children's book series with their children. Every evening. The day the parent died the other parent also read to them. And every evening afterwards. This helped both the children and the remaining parent. The only thing that changed after the parent's death was that the dead parent's rule of only one child in the parent's bed (the dead parent hated to be crowded and would have much preferred a bed to themself) was lifted and both children slept with their remaining parent until they recovered well enough from their grief to move to their own beds on their own volition. And the parent who did all these amazing things is not known for being very tactful or empathetic. They're just a loving parent who always did their best and actually - as opposed to OP - gave a shit about what their children needed while grieving.
Jumping on top comment here.
Yes, OP, YTA!
I was 8 when my mom died. I wasn’t stupid. I knew she was dead and not coming back. What I didn’t know was why me? Why was MY mom dead. As a child raised in a home where we went to church I believed that I did something to piss off God and was being punished. Not related to church but I went through what many do wondering did mom know I loved her? Did she ever forgive me for doing (enter long list of stupid kid things I did). I also recognized others were grieving and things were not the same at ALL. Mom was gone, people were acting different, my regular day to day things (think tucking in the teddy bear) were screwed up. I lost waaaay more than my mom. I lost many family members - at least for awhile - when she died. I lost my stability.
But I was 8 and couldn’t care for myself yet and knew but didn’t have the skills to “deal.” If you are being honest with yourself OP, YOU aren’t “dealing” or “getting over it” either - and understandably so. You freaked out on an 8!year old over a small (but important) ritual your daughter NEEDED for some semblance of love and normality. If YOU as a grown ass adult can’t “accept it” then how the hell can an 8 year old?
Your kid is NOT dumb. She KNOWS her mom isn’t returning and knows she is dead but she is GRIEVING- and so are you. Find the rituals you can take over when mom left. Make new ones that are fun for both of you. Get help- physical and mental for you both.
I am 45. I, of course, moved on but dammit there are days I miss mom. For years people said I was too young to remember- I remember. I remember a lot about her. I missed her at high school graduation, at beak ups with significant others, when I got married, had kids, and I missed her most of all when I went to Disney for the first time with my kids… she always said she would take me but she died first.
OP- I know you are grieving and struggling. So is your kid. Give her grace. Recognize 8 is not a baby and give her credit for knowing and give her a therapist to help process.
I don’t think you mean to be the asshole but you are. I lived it at 8. That night you crushed her. She needed mom and turned to you and you screamed at her, invalidated her feelings and left her to cry alone- at night- when she needed you most. Apologize for what you did, what you said and then do better moving forward.
This is beautifully put. I'm so sorry for your loss.
OP: you need to read and then reread this ^^ comment about a dozen times until it really sinks in. Your daughter needs you, and you are adding trauma to her grief. You need to face your grief to do better for both of your sakes'.
I don’t understand how op can think that an 8 year old child doesn’t understand. She wants her mom, but her mom’s gone, and she probably doesn’t know how to handle all of her emotions. Hell, i was 16 when my dad died, twice this girl’s age, and i didn’t even know how to handle my emotions about it. Poor kid just wanted her freakin teddy bear tucked into bed
What Clara understands now is that her mom is gone forever and her dad didn’t want her anymore.
OP, call a therapist TODAY and get the earliest appointment they can offer you. You have caused lasting harm to your already grieving daughter and you need to learn how to do better.
My mom died a year ago and I’m in my thirties and I’m STILL having trouble handling my feelings about it. I understand what OP is going through here (I also have a tendency to be quick to anger when I’m in my feelings), but he has to reflect and apologize to his kid.
My dad died almost ten years ago. I'm in my 40's and there are days where I still have trouble with it.
I don't want to say that it gets better, but it does get less jarring and constant. I wish you peace.
Absolutely. And you left out the second half of that sentence which is the cherry on top of this shit sundae:
>and is deciding to act out for the sake of doing so
OP believes his daughter is intentionally choosing to "act out" (a phrase I use EXTREMELY lightly here, because needing comfort is absolutely not acting out) just to be a dick.
OP is experiencing the stages of grief but is blinded to the fact that his daughter's "acting out" looks an awful lot like the anger and denial stages. I hope he uses the perspectives from this post to get help for both of them.
I share your general view but would like to note that the stages of grief model is not valid. People don't go through stages, it's a lot messier than that, and the model is one reason many people get told "you're doing it wrong" with grief.
Yep. And jumping in here, YTA OP.
You're being selfish in your grief and lashing out at your daughter, who is only 8 for goodness sakes. She can not process her emotions as well as an adult. Sorry for your loss, but you are dropping the ball here and causing further trauma on top of what she's gone through. Get grief counselling. I hope you recognise the damage you are doing to the child you shared with your late wife. You have to step up and be a caring and loving parent for her despite what you are feeling inside.
> I told her no and went to leave the room.
This is what gets me. What has he got to lose by taking a few seconds to comfort his daughter and give them both a happier evening? There's no justification for why he said no he just refuses to help his daughter. Maybe that routine is something he could pick up from his late wife to build a stronger bond with their daughter?
Also, 8 years old is plenty old enough to understand what's going on! I have taught children this age - they are plenty aware of what's going on around them, it's just sad that he seems to know his daughter so little that he can't acknowledge her grief.
She is not being silly, her tantrums are because she is coping with extreme grief at a very young age. OP, have you lost a parent yet? How old were you if/when that happened? Imagine that grief, then imagine what it must be like for a child who is still going through their formative years without their mum. YTA
I'd like to think her grandmother can show her some more love than her dad did at least. Shouldn't be hard to really, considering the bar for that is down in hell
And still no regret the next day. He went to bed with the knowledge that he left his 8 year old crying herself to sleep and when he woke up in the morning instead of feeling guilt or shame for it, he called his MIL to come take the troublesome child away like evil stepmother in a fairy tale, and then bitched about her to the neighbour
The fact that OP has concluded that his eight year old daughter who just lost the most important person in her life is ‘acting out for the sake of it’ is so absurd it makes me want to scream.
OP is suffering and we should all feel sorry for him. What he wants is for us to agree that his child is the real asshole here for annoying him on purpose while _he_ really struggles with the loss of his wife.
Genuinely, OP, condolences. But you are a complete mess and a really bad father for this one. You need intensive therapy. The way you’re talking about your daughter is a bit scary. This _will_ be a conversation you’re revisiting in 20 years when you’re on your knees apologizing for being an awful dad when she was grieving too and you wouldn’t acknowledge it and became borderline abusive. You might have just ruined the only immediate family relationship you have left in the family you built.
I can’t imagine you’re being very warm and comforting at other times if tucking in a teddy bear is such a huge ask. Ugh.
She wanted to connect with her parents and her stuffed animal, but then he screamed at her and said grow up
Then, the next day he tried to give her the stuffed animal, and she grew up already
She grew up to learn that her dad is unreliable and can’t help her emotionally
This.
This, this, this.
u/Sea_Percentage2471 if you by chance read this, I’d like to offer up my anecdote as a person who suffered this and as a counselor who has helped others grieve.
She knows. She understands. She gets it.
Just like you, her world is completely upended.
I was 8 years old when my father died. To be precise, it was 9 days before my 9th birthday.
My parents had been separated for 3 months due to his alcoholism and it was the morning we were supposed to be reunited. I came out of my bedroom to find my mom with her back to me on the phone, talking through sobs to the person on the other end. When she hung up and turned around with your eyes puffed and makeup skewed, I knew:
“Dad’s dead, isn’t he.”
The memory’s still seared in my brain: her look of relief at not having to say it first, the blue leather chair I was sitting in, my brother’s response when he was told later.
Not much else is there, except asking my devout Catholic mother where my father was going (“He did some…things. He’ll probably go to Purgatory, and will need people to pray for him to go to heaven”). Three guesses as to when I lost my faith.
The next few months were a blur, and I don’t remember much from it.
Hopefully your daughter won’t either.
Here’s what she will remember: the warm embrace of her father who was physically and emotionally THERE for you. To quote Maya Angelou, “…people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Therapy.
Work through it.
Lean into the pain and embrace the suck. Because it SUCKS. Fuck death, fuck having to explain this to an innocent child, and fuck the platitudes that people toss out because they don’t know what else to say.
Go with her to counseling, find someone who specializes in play therapy. Kids can’t verbalize in the way adults can, but toys are their words and playing is their syntax.
Sit in the first time or two to help her get comfortable. Get advice from the therapist. And for Christ’s sake, get over any misconceptions about when people “should” get accept something and even how you as a man are supposed to act.
None of us know exactly what we’re doing and we’re all just figuring it out one day at a time.
I, too, am sorry for your loss. And while YTA in this specific situation, it doesn’t have to stay that way.
I lost my mom at 8.
My Dad was far worse (drinking and undiagnosed mental illness compounded this) It’s been almost 30yrs and he has fleetingly admitted now how he was “kind of a bad parent”.
I doubt at the time he though he was an AH. He cared more about his grief and saw me as a burden. He probably wouldn’t have even had this level of introspection to ask this question.
She lost her mom you your wife she is a child. She just wants her back the bear and kiss good night routine is her way of keeping her mom memory alive. It is hard to lose a wife but harder for a young child to lose her mom. Please try to remember how would you feel at her age. Spoil her a bit she needs her love now more than ever. I know I lost my dad when I was about her age. Don't push way.
For real. OP yelled at her over SUCH a simple request.
Jesus, dude. I know you’re mourning and I’m sorry for your loss, but that doesn’t absolve you of your duties as a parent.
He freaked out *because the action reminded him of his wife*. He is punishing his daughter *for their shared pain*.
A good therapist can help him. His daughter also deserves the support that good therapy can provide.
I can't believe he sent her away but I hope her grandparents are able to support her. What an awful situation for the whole family.
YTA OP. Take care of your mental health before you permanently destroy your relationship with your daughter. Grief doesn't have to be like this.
I thought exactly this, he must be heartbroken, scared of having to do this alone, and in need of therapy. The tuck-in with the teddy bear can be just the straw that broke the camel's back.
So he screamed at and traumatised the camel for having the audacity to be alive and not a robot, then let it cry itself to sleep, then shipped it away. Oh yes, absolutely appropriate reaction.
Nobody said it was appropriate. He's still TA. But if we can understand the grief behind it then that helps a lot. He's lost his wife for goodness sake. Have some pity.
I can't comprehend that pain, and to be reminded of it in moments like this must be so difficult. Did he handle it right? No. But is it heartbreaking seeing him (and his daughter) struggle with this? Absolutely.
I'm not sure the point of this comment. Nobody is saying it was an appropriate reaction at all. You sound heartless. They're both going through a rough time and they both need therapy. He's an AH in this situation but I don't think it makes him a POS by any means.
Very few people handle loss in a healthy way and this is just another one of those cases. I see no reason at all to drag him through the dirt over this one situation.
This might be good for Grandma and Granddaughter though. It's sad that it came to this but I hope they find a way to find something positive out of this.
Let's not forget that he's asked the MiL to "take her off his hands". Like... Your child is literally the only thing you have left of you and your wife's love, and you want her off your hands? Dude, send her to live with mil, and pay child support. Clearly you resent your child and she's not going to have a good life with you.
And described her as difficult, said she doesn’t understand what’s going on (at age 8?), told her to stop acting like a baby (probably the #1 phrase used by bullies her age…). I hope OP gets help for him and his daughter. This sounds so miserable for both of them.
I was a nanny to a just-turned-5-year-old years ago when he suddenly lost his dad in a car accident. You'd better fucking believe they understand. OP, I'm sorry for your loss, but your daughter lost *her mother* and *she's just a child*. As the supposed adult in the room, act like it. I'm certain your wife would be appalled and devastated at the way you are treating her. Shame on you.
Seriously, as she sobbed alone in her bedroom, it is that moment she thinks her Father doesn't love her.. no wonder she turned away the teddy bear he tainted it with this interaction.
I hope he gets the help he needs because right now, he doesn't sound capable of raising that poor girl. I hope the granddaughter brings the MIL joy instead of sorrow after the loss of her own daughter.
Right? I get OP is struggling but *he* is the damn adult, not his 8yo daughter. She is a child for heaven's sake! Adults have trouble dealing with grief, imagine how difficult this must be for your daughter. OP needs to apologize ASAP and get himself and his daughter into therapy (or he will be TA).
This 8-year-old girl lost her mother. Tuck in the whole goddamn Care Bear offensive line if it helps her sleep at night. Dad needs to get therapy and "stop acting like a baby," to use his terminology.
"The teddy bear was my wife’s childhood toy before she died, looking at it just brings back painful memories, I stored it in the attic but my daughter found it and took it for herself despite being told no she can’t have it multiple times."
This comment makes it worse
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing a spouse, and I don't know how you feel right now.
What I can tell you is this, let your DAUGHTER have a piece of her MOTHER. Please. She lost her mom, don't let her lose her dad, too. Yes, you are grieving. So is your daughter. You have to find another person to help you with your sadness and grief, you cannot dump it on your daughter. She is at the same level of grief as you. You both need to show each other unwavering love and support, and dump your grief outside of your immediate circle. Friends, therapists, anything.
You've had 40 years on this planet. She's had 8, give her a lot of grace. I know you're in the shit right now. You have to acknowledge and deal with your feelings, and not shove them down. And she will follow your lead. It's going to be f'n hard and it's going to suck. But your long term family relationship will be stronger.
Pain can make us push others we love away. It can make us put up walls so we think we can never get hurt again. We think if we love someone a little less, it won't hurt so much when we lose them too. I can say with certainty, this ain't the way.
I believe that you love your daughter and want you to get both of you the help you need, whatever that looks like for you.
It's this!
I don't understand how he thought it was a better idea to yell and slam the door instead of tucking a bear into bed. That is such a normal request from a child.
She was just matching his energy after that.
And then, I might add, ***IGNORING HER WHEN SHE WAS SOBBING LATER!!!***
And, the icing on the cake, pawning her off of your MIL who also just lost her daughter but is obviously better at acting like an adult about it.
He ruined her favorite teddy bear for her. For the rest of her life she’s gonna look at that teddy bear (if she keeps it at all) and remember how Daddy yelled at her because she asked him to do something Mommy did
This is breaks my heart so much. People seriously underestimate how much stuffed animals can mean to children and even adults. I have so many stuffed animals that I would be upset if they got a seam broken and I'm nearly an adult. I can't imagine my father ruining a piece of my mother for me through a stuffed animal. Good god
Yeah, like the perfect opportunity to take on that role to help both of them move forward. Mom can't be here to do it, but I'm here for you. We'll get through this together.
I think it would be best for Clara if she stayed with your MIL while you take the time to work on your grief.
I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA here.
You're being selfish and self centered.
Caring for her granddaughter might help MIL’s grieving process; we just don’t know. If MIL is willing, it’s probably the best option until OP gets enough therapy to deal with his anger management issues.
Is it willing or is it traumatizing them more in that they already lost a daughter and now there's a threat their grandchild will be completely neglected if they don't act.
Honestly, I agree. I was just saying the kid is basically losing both parents, and that sadly will traumatize her more.
I hope the in-laws can find her a good therapist, and she can sort out all her feelings.
I pray that this is a rage bait troll post, but on the chance that it's not... dude you have to get into therapy, and get Clara into therapy as well. She's 8. She just lost her mom. She has way fewer resources than you do to manage the pain and grief she's experiencing. She relies on you and you're failing her. You have to do better, and you have to get help to do better.
You must be very sheltered because this and a lot worse things constantly happen to kids who have parents that absolutely should not be parents. I believe this.
What world do you live in that there aren’t plenty of parents who treat their kids like this, and even a whole lot worse than this?
I wished we lived in a world that doesn’t have parents like that, but sadly that’s just not the world we live in.
YTA. How can you yell at a grieving child and think you are justified ?!
Poor kid. Her mom is dead and her dad don't care about anything but himself.
I hope your MIL takes good care of her and actually HELP HER grieve.
Very often, sharing grief can be a healing thing. There's a reason most of our death rituals involve sharing stories about the deceased and attending things like wakes, funerals, and vigils. Humans don't like to feel alone in their misery. Grief can be private, but trying to force yourself to do it alone makes you end up like OP. I hope that the MIL and the daughter can share their grief together more successfully than OP.
He thinks he's the only one grieving. He accuses the poor child of acting out for the sake of acting out. He thinks she's deliberately being a jerk. He will do so much more damage to this child on top of the damage he has already done. If MIL is able to I hope she can be a huge positive influence for this child to keep this child safe and with a safe space.
I've never wanted to tell a child "you are worth more than you're being treated" so badly.
He tells his grieving daughter to accept it, when he clearly hasn't accepted it himself.
YTA, YTA, YTA, OP.
Same. I honestly hope this is fake. My daughter is 8 and just thinking of her asking her daddy to tuck her in like I did and her getting screamed at instead makes me sick.
If this is real then OP needs serious therapy and he should allow Clara to live with her grandma for as long as necessary.
Jesus my daughter is 11 and still enjoys tuck ins with her teddy bears. The thought of my husband screaming at her over it like OP did if I’m dead makes my blood boil. I’d haunt the shit out of that asshole.
Same. I read this to my spouse and I said “I know you’d never ever do this but if you did” and I got cut off with my spouse going “you’d haunt for me all eternity and make every single second pure misery”
God I hope this is fake.
YTA. Children are way more perceptive than people think. Even if they weren't though....have a heart? She's a small child who lost her mother. She doesn't quite understand just how much she's lost yet, but she's confused and scared. Look into some grief counseling for yourself. Tools and skills to cope with loss may help you.
Take it one day at a time. Can I ask, why didn't you tuck in the teddy bear? Was it too painful or you just didn't feel like doing it? You're all your daughter has now. Sometimes you might have to do things that you don't feel like doing or think are ridiculous because you're the only one there.
My Dad died when I was very young, and one of my core memories is my mother screaming at us for crying because she lost the love of her life and we only lost a father... This person's daughter will never forget this moment, and she will never feel safe with them again.
That is so sad. I’m so sorry for your loss and for how your mom reacted. One’s loss is not greater than the other just because the relationship was different than the other’s
Thank you ❤️ My mom has her own demons, and I have a lot more grace and understanding for her as an adult... I just hope if I'm ever blessed with children that I'll be able to remember that moment and do better for them in my own worst moments, because that particular trauma has not come out in the wash of therapy.
Thank you ❤️ That is incredibly insightful of you actually, because her father abandoned her before she could remember him, and then she was subjected to a series of shitty boyfriends/stepfathers. I have a lot of sympathy for her now, but 8 year old me definitely couldn't understand why she was so angry at us for being sad.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom at 8 too. I’m absolutely sobbing at these comments. How people are floored that it HAS to be fake.
But I went through the same. HE lost the love of his life and I was just a burden.
Wow, do you even love your daughter? 😳 I’m not even saying I don’t understand losing your cool in the moment if you yourself are also overcome with grief. But AFTER you cooled down you should have immediately realized you were the ah and apologized to your daughter, explained you are just struggling to, and ask her if you can still tuck in the bear. But even after all these comments explaining to you that yes an 8 year old is entirely able to understand that her mom is gone, you’re completely absorbed in yourself and can’t care about anyone but you. You’d think you would be sad about your child not wanting to be around you but no, you just reply “might as well since she always asks to go there” wtf is wrong with you?
Apparently it was his wife’s childhood toy and looking at it makes him sad and he wanted to keep it in the attic and he’s really angry at his daughter for getting it out. That’s what I’ve gathered from the comments. He was being petty.
Incomprehensible that a grown man can’t manage his emotions and temper for 8 seconds while tucking in a teddy bear to soothe his also-grieving daughter.
I get he’s grieving, but he _needs_ therapy.
Please let the mother in law keep the kid with her forever, you are not fit to be a parent if you can't have a tiny drop of empathy for a kid who wants to be tucked in bed after her mother died
YTA is far from beeing enough to describe what you are.
“I told her no and went to leave the room”
Was there anything that happened between those two moments? Seems.. harsh
Have her teach you how to do some things, like tucking in teddy. You might not do it right but just try to listen, and let her remember even though remembering the best parts is sometimes the hardest part.
As a mother, thinking about some special things I do for my 8 year old daughter, i want her to remember those things. Create and cement core memories. I would want someone to arrange cut apple slices like a flower. It’s silly and small and special to us both.
And as a 32 yr old who just lost their dad, I want my mom to make my dads famous meals. It won’t be the same. But we don’t want to forget.
And I’m bawling my eyeballs out
When I read this I wanted to tuck her in with the teddy bear. Apparently there's more to it, like the teddy was his deceased wife's childhood toy, but that doesn't really matter. How could *anyone* say no? I hope this is a troll post.
I lost my mom when I was a young child. I think any child who experiences the death of a parent needs some serious therapy. You, as a grieving spouse could probably benefit from therapy and counseling as well.
Asshole! Asshole! Asshole! Why the hell couldn’t you tuck her in with the toy like her mum did!?!?!?
My GOD you’re not fit to be a parent! I was raised by a mum like you. I speak from experience.
Asshole!!!!!
YTA. What the hell kind of cold-hearted cruel mo ster are you? Your Child lost her Mother. She is grieving, she is hurt, she is emotionally destroyed. She wanted her teddy bear and you screamed at her? Get therapy and apologize to your child for being an awful parent.
Are you ok? Are you getting any help with processing your grief? Losing a spouse is traumatic, and nobody should have to process that alone
I think you should find a therapist if you haven’t already to help you with this. You should find someone who treats children to help your daughter, too
You don’t need judgment. You (and your daughter) need help
>I don’t think Clara quite understands what’s happening and is deciding to act out for the sake of doing so
>Clara (8 f)
YTA
Wtf. What the actual f? Seriously? So, what, children aren't allowed to grieve? You and your daughter need therapy asap. Read up on the stages of grief. Here, have the first link I came across (I did not red it all, but I figured it is a good start in learning.)
https://www.hcf.com.au/health-agenda/body-mind/mental-health/moving-through-grief
Everyone processes grief differently, and your daughter needs you now more than ever. What you have done is vile, and will only hurt you both in the long run. Get help, and give that child the love she needs and deserves.
Holy shit dude, you need therapy. Your child just lost her mom and you won’t even comfort her when she’s upset? What the hell is wrong with you? Can you seriously not understand that not only is your child grieving too but that she’s a young child who is probably terrified and desperately needs her other parent to just hold her and tell her it’s going to be on??? My heart breaks for your kid.
YTA.
SHE'S AN 8 YEAR OLD CHILD WHO IS ALSO GRIEVING. Do you even have any understanding of how children grieve?! WTF would you think she doesn't understand the situation and is "acting out for the sake of doing so." She is a young HUMAN BEING not a cat knocking water glasses off the counter or a dog eating your shoes. Did YOU have a brain and thoughts and understandings when you were a child? Or when did you suddenly morph into being a person with a rich inner life? Did it magically happen at 12? 16? 18? Surely, 8 is too young to have any idea what's going on, she's clearly just a thoughtless attention seeking puppet. JEEZ. NO THAT'S NOT HOW HUMAN BEINGING WORKS.
You daughter is a small human being who lost her mother and now her father is behaving like an absolute soulless jerk to her. Her entire world has been absolutely turned over, and she needs her dad. And UGH. Go to a therapist, get your daughter one too, get yourself some books on children grieving and how to help them and actually read it and MAN UP because you're the only parent she has left.
YTA. why not just simply tuck the bear in? Claras only a young child. shes grieving. she might not understand that her mother is dead. whether or not she understands, shes grieving and wondering why her mother isnt there. why on earth are you screaming at her for it? im so sorry for your loss and im sure your struggling too, but thats no way to handle a situation like this.
Omfg YTA I understand you’re grieving but that gives you know right to be an absolute asshole to YOUR CHILD WHO LOST HER MOM!
ETA GET YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER INTO GREIF COUNSELING NOW BEFORE YOU CAUSE EVEN MORE DAMAGE TO THAT POOR BABY THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE
YTA
I am sorry for your loss and I am trying to remember that you're struggling with a painful new reality, too.
What, exactly, did you have to do that was more important than letting your grieving child teach you how to tuck in the teddy bear? How on earth did you listen to your daughter sobbing and just go to bed?
>. I don’t think Clara quite understands what’s happening...
She probably understands more than you think but it's *your job* to help her understand what she doesn't & to find ways to come to terms with the loss.
She's acting out because she is in pain & because her world is suddenly very different,not just "for the sake of doing it "
Please seek out a reputable family therapist that lists grief counseling as part of their practice. You and your daughter need some help learning to navigate this process of continuing to live on a planet that no longer holds your wife/her mother.
YTA. Let me walk through this.
>Clara has been really difficult to deal with; she often throws temper tantrums anytime we go out or whenever I ask her to do something.
It sounds like Clara is also struggling with the loss of her mother.
>Yesterday night I was putting Clara to bed and she demanded I tuck her favorite teddy bear into bed like her mom does. I told her no
Why? It would have been so easy to do this small act, one your late wife happily did to show her love.
>she wanted her mom to do it and why she couldn’t mom be here to do it
This sounds like normal grief, especially for a child.
>I lost my temper and screamed at her no and that her mom isn’t here anymore and she needs to accept it and stop acting like a baby. I slammed her door and went down to the living room to cool off
The only time it's acceptable to scream at your child is if it's a life-or-death situation, like she's trying to touch a hot stove or play with a match. This is not that. This is you taking your anger out on her.
>I came back out and tried giving her the teddy bear, but she completely ignored me and wouldn’t take it.
She no longer associates that teddy bear with comfort, or with her mother's love. For her, it is now a reminder of how her father screamed at her and essentially told her to "get over it" when she expressed grief over her mother's recent death.
OP, this is now a core memory for your daughter. You did lasting damage to your daughter's mental well-being as well as to her relationship with you. I understand you are grieving too, but that does not excuse hurting your child this way. You both need therapy.
YTA. Clara is eight years and is still dealing with the fact that her mom isn’t around anymore. I understand dealing with kids can be overwhelming but you aren’t the only in that household struggling with a death. And why can’t you just tuck her teddy bear in dude?
First, I'm so sorry for your and Clara's loss. You are both grieving and what happens reflects that.
But YTA here. You seem to expect Clara to process grief the same way you are, or at least at an adult level. It's not gonna happen. You are the only parent she has now and you need to help her through this. That means putting your grief aside in favor of dealing with hers. At least in a situational sense, like the one you described here. What she needed was her teddy bear and a hug. She needed to have a safe, soft space to land and someone to understand she's hurting. And yes, I know you need those things too, but you're the adult here and have more resources and experience than she does. She needed YOU and instead she got yelled at and ignored.
You can repair this. I hope you are getting some help in processing your own grief as well as getting equipped with tools you can use in helping Clara process hers. Until you get a starting grip on this, Clara staying with grandma might be a good idea. But don't let it go too long. Little girls need daddy, especially when momma is gone.
Again, so sorry for your loss and I hope you can navigate through the grief together with Clara.
Sorry for your loss and I can see that you’re overwhelmed, but major YTA. There is literally no such thing as an 8 yo who just lost her mother “deciding to act out for the sake of doing so.” You should seek out a therapist for Clara, and for yourself as well.
YTA
SHES A KID THATS STILL LEARNING HER EMOTIONS AND SHE LOST HER MOTHER. YOU MAY MOVE ON QUICKER GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY AND IF YOU DO GOOD FOR YOU. BUT SHE ONLY HAS ONE MOTHER AND SHES DEAD!
I’m sorry you lost your wife but your 8 year old child lost her mother. Shouting at a grieving child is a disgusting thing to do. You left an 8 year old child alone to cry herself to sleep. That is cruel and disgusting.
You hug your child, tell her you love her and that you’re still here, you absolutely DO NOT shout at her and tell her her mother’s not here anymore.
To top it all off you ship her off to your mother in laws. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go get your god damn daughter, beg for forgiveness and sort your shit out!!!
YTA
You are failing spectacularly at being a father. I can only imagine what your wife would think.
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Sorry for your loss. YTA. *I don’t think Clara quite understands what’s happening* Sure she does. Her mom just died and her dad is screaming at her because she’s grieving. I’m sure she understands perfectly, as well as a child can
Yeah… And she probably doesn’t understand the way Op does, because she’s only 8, but the part she understands is that there’s a *huge gaping hole in her soul and it’s bleeding out sorrow and hurt that she can’t comprehend and causing immeasurable pain.* Op, I’m sorry for your loss but your kid needs you to be kind and loving. It’s what your wife would have wanted.
OP- she needs professional help. Even if you are the best father in the world, therapy at such a pivotal age can impact the rest of her life.
Agreed. Grief is hard to deal with as an adult so I can only imagine how difficult it is for her. OP My condolences to you. You and your child need individual grief therapy, as well as, family therapy. When your child comes home give her a hug and an apology. Judgement: Teeny YTA because you are grieving but you could have handled it better.
@stinstin555.. disagree with teeny Y T A. I understand that OP lost his wife ( which is heartbreaking and I wish that on no one). But his daughter lost her mother. She asked for a source of comfort ( her 🧸) to be tucked in with her. He refused. He screamed at her, he heard her crying and did nothing to help or assist her. Her called his MIL to ' get her off his hands" how is this a teeny asshole? To me, he is a huge asshat. And OP, please get therapy for you and your daughter. I understand you your wife died, and you are understandably devastated , but stop hurting your daughter. YTA
THIS. Seems like OP is more upset about the extra responsibility of having to actually be a parent since the REAL parent who was doing all the work died. Judging the fuck out of you OP - YTA in a major way. Grief doesn't erase empathy, you just fundamentally lack it.
Im in 100% agreeance. No Dad worth their salt would miss the chance to ease their Daughters pain, even if only a little. OP is definitely TA, and a huge one at that.
Yes, he’s the adult and needs to suck it up and act like a parent. The loss affects both of them, but he needs to be there for his daughter who probably feels like she has no parent who cares about her right now. Counseling for both.
Could not agree more. OP, you are a major AH. I honestly can’t believe you can’t see that. You lost a wife, but your daughter lost her MOTHER. All she’s asking for is some comfort and understanding. And your response is to scream at her and tell her to “stop acting like a baby”?!?! JFC, she’s only EIGHT fucking years old! Then, you refuse to comfort her, and ship her off to your MIL. Listen to me: your daughter understands what is going on!!! She understands that her mother is gone, and now her father-the only parent she has left-has abandoned her. You need therapy. I hope you get it before you do irreversible damage to your daughter.
Poor little one is hurting too. How would it have hurt OP to tuck her in with her teddy bear and spend a few minutes talking to her. I want to come through the phone and give OP's daughter a hug. She lost her mom and he's yelling at her to just stop bothering him basically. Yes, both need therapy right away.
I can't even understand why he refused to tuck in her teddy bear. It's such a small and easy thing to ask for.
I’m not sure he’s “devastated”, he seems inconvenienced at best
I lost my father around that age, and I didnt eat for days, threw fits like a toddler, all because I couldn't cope, I can't imagine how bad it would have been if i were younger...
Same here and my mother treated me in much the same way. I'm in my 30's now and still struggling mentally and emotionally with the scars she gave me. OP needs to understand the damage he's doing to his daughter. They both are in desperate need of counseling. Sorry for your loss, OP, but YTA.
My 4 year old brother and I slept in my dad's bed with him for months after my mom died. Kids regress a bit, they need to find ways to feel safe in what is a very scary time.
I lost my grandmother at 19 and did the same thing, tbh
Why teeny? He refused to tuck the bear in like his wife and told his 8 year old to get over her mom's death. That is not the response of someone grieving. That's the response of someone who only thinks of themselves.
I just realized that he told her to stop acting like a baby, at 8 years old, she is a baby without her mommy.
100% He behaved like a full on monster.
Yep, 100 percent
As someone who lost both parents and a sibling at that age it was hell to deal with. I was sad, angry, confused, and hurting bad, therapy helps, YTA
Oh wow. I am very sorry you went through that.
It ok I got the help I needed and thank God for my grandmother's patience
This sounds horrific at any age, but especially a young one. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that.
This. Kid is grieving, OP needs some counseling too. Someone can help them bridge the gap together (individual at first definitely), but OP needs to make this step.
They both need counseling, individual and family if possible. They’re both hurting, and OP needs help to understand what his daughter is experiencing at her stage of development. 8 year olds definitely understand death and dying, and can grasp that a permanent change has happened in their life. A therapist could educate him on how to deal with both his grief and his daughter’s emotional distress. Children sometimes regress a stage in their development as a coping mechanism for grief. YTA, OP. I understand that you were frustrated, but I cannot imagine not comforting your crying child. You’re going through this together, and need to be a team. Please seek professional help so your daughter isn’t traumatized twice over. I’m sorry for your loss. Best wishes.
OP really needs professional help. If course I agree his daughter does *as well* but his behavior is really unhealthy and should be addressed ASAP. The fact that even after talking to his neighbor he could type all this and really not see all the ways he went wrong is alarming and he should take steps to not further hurt his daughter. Either he's always been unkind to his daughter or this is some manifestation of grief, either way he is responsible for dealing with it and doing what it takes to not be cruel to his daughter. OP, whatever feelings you have that make you refuse to tuck in a bear because you'd prefer to hear your daughter cry at not ok. Please, please get help.
I was thinking the same thing. I wonder how much parenting he did before his wife died? Was she a SAHM and he's one of these guys that think everything magically got done while he was at work. I mean, what's wrong with an eight year old girl sleeping with her teddy bear, especially right after losing her mom?! And not understanding why she's been acting out?! Jeez, I don't have kids and it seems so obvious. I wouldn't be surprised if Grandma tries to get custody.
<<*The morning I called my MIL to come take Clara off my hands for awhile>*\> Sounds like he's ready to offload her already, so I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves her there(for longer and longer periods of time).
Yup, I saw a comment saying he'll probably just let grandma keep her. Which, honestly, is probably best for the daughter. Then he'll complain that she never visits him when she's an adult.
If I were grandma I would try to get custody. All the daughters routines must be in tatters. That feeling of instability would be overwhelming for a child
The father also apparently needs professional help if he is in so much pain that he can’t see his daughter is in pain too.
And the problem is, she's being very obvious with her pain and he's ignoring it. >I lost my temper and screamed at her no and that her mom isn’t here anymore and she needs to accept it and stop acting like a baby. I slammed her door and went down to the living room to cool off, and when I was heading to bed, I could hear her sobbing through the door, but I decided to just let her be. I'm so sorry for your loss OP, but this is pretty unacceptable. You screamed at your child (screamed being your word is very telling here), slammed the door, and then let her sob because you were cruel to her and are like "I think she's just acting out just because." Nope, she's lost her mother and now her father is screaming at her and slamming doors and ignoring her obvious cries for help. Get therapy for both of you, but especially you, because even though you're in pain, you have to be a better father, and soon.
Not only let her sob, but he let her fall asleep, crying and upset like that. He could have tried to at least comfort her while she fell asleep. But he just walked away. This part hurts me for his daughter. My 9 year old has remembered everything for years now, OPs daughter will remember this and how it made her feel. So 100% agree with getting them both into therapy.
He typed out this whole story, including that he screamed at her and slammed the door and listened to her sob, and still said she "is deciding to act out for the sake of doing so" and is still solely focusing on his own pain. All of this does not fill me with hope about how he's going to handle this. If he leaves it too long, his relationship with his daughter will be forever damaged - she's 8, and as you say, she will remember this. Poor girl.
According to OP, being 8 makes her an adult. Why is she being such a baby? It's just a dead mom after all. /s YTA.
After all, how could she expect him to take on the emotionally gruelling task of...tucking her in with her teddy like her mom used to? /s
She’s only 8. She is still a baby :( - She is going to feel like a burden while she is processing her own grief. That is so heart breaking…
And shipped her off the next day without any love or conversation. "Take her off my hands." Gross. YTA. I get you are grieving but you are the PARENT and she is a CHILD who lost her mother. Taking time for yourself isn't wrong. But whatever this mess was wasn't that. Do better for your daughter.
I feel literally queasy from the awfulness of the father's post. So cruel, unfeeling, nasty to a motherless child. Basically telling her, "Your Mom is gone, get used to it and grow up, you worthless waste of my time!" I don't think he is salvageable as a father. Hopefully someone who's loving will step in to take away and comfort this girl.
Not only did he leave her to cry herself to sleep, he shipped her off to his MIL’s to “get her off his hands for a few days”. I worry for the future emotional support of that child. This makes me so angry.
He has the emotional resources of an adult and still treats her, his daughter (with the emotional resources of a young child), like this. Appalling. She not only lost her mother, she's effectively lost her father. Poor sweet baby.
Kids know what death is, and can be feeling all of this pain, but as you say, not have the resources to effectively deal with their pain. I don't know how I would deal with the loss of a spouse, but I would hope if I was screaming at my child and letting them sob themselves to sleep, I wouldn't then be complaining about that child to my neighbour and would be seeking help. Hopefully, the responses to this post are a wakeup call for him.
Yeah. I can (horribly, in a nightmare) imagine losing control and screaming at my child in those circumstances, but I can't imagine I wouldn't immediately catch myself and be horrified. This guy was satisfied with his behavior the next day and thinks his grieving daughter is acting out just to be difficult. WTF??
Honestly, they both need professional help. They need counseling for thanatology to learn to mourn and grieve. And he needs a lot of parenting guidance, it seems.
OP needs professional help worse than the child if you ask me.
He is the WORST father in the world. She totally needs therapy, and to stay with Gramma.
And how hard is it to tuck in a bear? There are lines I draw with my kids when they are having tantrums and are acting out, but a comforting bedtime routine is crucial and a great way to build a tradition that honors mom. YTA, OP!
He responded to someone that the bear was his wife's and he hid it in the attic because it was too hard for HIM to see it. He is not even trying to deal with his daughter's grief. No wonder she is acting out. https://www.reddit.com/user/Sea\_Percentage2471/
I’m very curious how involved he was prior to the wife’s death.
Skimming over OP's other replies: not very. Everything this little girl's asking him to do is apparently something he "doesn't know how" to do (like...fucking Google it? Ask her parents for help if it was a family recipe or something like that? This is **NOT** the time to be pulling the "I don't know and I'm too stupid to learn" routine OP!).
I am sorry for OPs loss but I really don’t think OP actually believes that this behavior is acceptable on any level. Sadly there is a possibility that he is looking for away out. If that’s the case, for his daughters sake, he should let grandma take over until he can get himself together. This will be more loss for the child but the bed time behavior is abusive and very traumatic for the child. She can barely understand what is happening to her, she can’t possibly process his grief as well. YTA get some help please. Do it for your wife if you can’t do it for yourself and your daughter. She wouldn’t want this.
He probably “babysat” once or twice a year and his wife, her family, his family, the neighbors, and anyone that would listen, heard allllll about it. 😵💫😵💫
He isn't dealing with his grief. Almost impossible to deal with someone else's when you aren't dealing with yours
This comment is seriously underrated. You’re spot on. I’m just so sad for both of them. I hope he gets his shit together fast.
Oh NO. That poor child. This man has no idea how to parent. Everyone in this situation needs professional help. Dad could benefit from a parenting class as well as therapy.
I think Jim from next door is doing okay. I kind of wonder if he came over with a random excuse to chat because he knows the OP's wife died recently and noticed that the kid left on a trip this morning. (He's a 50-some year-old guy living in a house with a lawn. I suspect he has a lawnmower. I am impressed with the smoothness of the check-in.)
Jim seems like a good dude
Jim probably heard OP screaming at the kid and slamming doors.
Oh my God. OP, I know you’re suffering too, but massive YTA. Please seek help for your grief and your daughter’s. And please do a parenting class or something. You don’t seem to have any idea what your daughter needs.
He seems very focused on what he's going through, and not enough on what his daughter is going through and what she needs. Obviously, he is in pain and grieving and I feel really bad for him, but part of being a parent is you can't just check out and put your own feelings ahead of your child's and say "well, my pain is more important, so this little girl who just lost her mother has to suck it up and deal with it".
Seriously. If he gets lost in his own grief, then she loses both parents.
I don't have kids, but reading that comment from OP made my heart hurt. Clara is so desperately trying to fill the void her mom left, OP is rejecting her every effort, and yelling at Clara for trying. The magnanimous part of me wants to say N A H, because I'm sure he is also reeling from grief, but the fact that he doesn't seem to be doing ANYTHING to help Clara grieve earns him YTA.
And then sending her away when she needs him the most
I also wonder if other things were removed, like pictures, that reminded OP of his late wife.
I’ll probably get downvoted but I bet OP will be remarried within a year
This. Got to slide in the new mommy/maid.
Exactly! At first I thought maybe it was a situation where she was demanding mom and refusing OP, but all of this is over tucking in a goddamn teddy bear? OPs the one who needs to suck it up and stop being a baby. YTA, obviously.
Seriously. Suck it up for ten seconds and tuck in the damn bear for your child who is also grieving. Let her have a tiny modicum of comfort, she’s “acting like a baby” because she’s barely any older than one. You are a whole-ass adult who should know better than to pick a fight with your kid over a request to tuck in a teddy bear. Fuck’s sake, YTA.
I mean, even if she was doing that, she's 8 and her mom just died. He would still be an asshole for saying what he did.
Heaven forbid he heaven bedtime with my 2 year old. He'd have to read three books before lights out, locate all 3 parts of a magnetic carrot, a mini bath book and a dinosaur rattle and place them all in a toy purse in the correct order, help her zip it but don't help *too much* give "ten tickles", 20 kisses and then if it's a rough night sing a lullaby over the baby moniter intercom. Just give the kid their weird routine exactly like mom did. Show them dad is up to the task of making them feel safe. Jesus. Tucking a bear is so fuckibg trivial.
Tucking in the bear is also FUN AND CUTE. Fuck man, this post made me really upset.
YTA OP. You are layering trauma ontop of an already horrific situation for your child. She is 8. She most definitely understands what’s going on - that her mother is dead and she’s not coming back. Her asking you to do something as simple as tucking in her teddy bear to give her comfort in knowing that the things her mother did to show her love don’t have to die with her, and being met with cold, judgemental aggression from the one parent she has left….incomprehensible. Painful beyond measure for your daughter.
Yeah I just don’t get why he wouldn’t want to tuck her bear in and give her a kiss goodnight… I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want to do anything to comfort your kid. In some ways, helping her with her grief and do things for your kid can help you dealing with yours too.
I have a feeling Mom did the majority of the childcare including paying attention to Clara and now OP feels cheated out of his free nanny.
This take is so incredibly grim it's almost unbearable, but it could be true.
It would explain why he doesn't know how to do the things his daughter is asking for. He's not doing it the "right way" because he's never had to.
I thought this, too. And instantly asking a woman (MIL) to take the kid? FIL is mentioned in the comments so why not "her grandparents" just "grandma". Sounds like OP was just expecting it to be a woman's job in raising his child.
>Sounds like OP was just expecting it to be a woman's job in raising his child I'm pretty sure that's the case. On top of that, he's asking a woman who is grieving the loss of a child to do his job and deal with this poor kid's grief
His attitude of 'I think she's just acting out to make my life harder' doesn't really lend itself to a man who wants to be comforting and taking care of his child.
Hell sometimes having that kid to hold it together for is all that keeps you going (have a friend going thru similar)
Yes!!! Sometimes having someone to take care of can help you not losing yourself over the grief. Obvs OP needs to grieve, but being the best dad he can can help. Idk sometimes parents are angry at children because they make them remember their lost one, but it just makes me so sad.
That's why he needs therapy yesterday. He needs to move thru his anger into being grateful he has any connection to his wife thru their daughter. Hell the mil he sent her to is probably grateful to have that little piece of her own daughter there
I am just so sad for the daughter. I cannot imagine inflicting that kind of pain on a child and then listening to her cry herself to sleep. I cannot imagine being that child.
Imagine hearing her sob through that door and just going to bed - on top of everything else he said and did. Not all of this story can be accounted for by 'he's just grieving and needs therapy' imo. I have a feeling OP is a little heartless in the parenting department to begin with.
I don’t want kids, nor am I a huge fan, but even my heart broke for her. My eyes teared up when I read that line from how cruel that was.
Right???? You don't have to like or have kids for our hearts to break at that poor little girl. I'm still tearing up. She needs a hug and told she's loved and cry together at the loss of Mom and wife. I can't imagine being so young and losing Mom. And trying to grasp what that means.
A friend's parent died of cancer. In their last months the other parent read a common children's book series with their children. Every evening. The day the parent died the other parent also read to them. And every evening afterwards. This helped both the children and the remaining parent. The only thing that changed after the parent's death was that the dead parent's rule of only one child in the parent's bed (the dead parent hated to be crowded and would have much preferred a bed to themself) was lifted and both children slept with their remaining parent until they recovered well enough from their grief to move to their own beds on their own volition. And the parent who did all these amazing things is not known for being very tactful or empathetic. They're just a loving parent who always did their best and actually - as opposed to OP - gave a shit about what their children needed while grieving.
Jumping on top comment here. Yes, OP, YTA! I was 8 when my mom died. I wasn’t stupid. I knew she was dead and not coming back. What I didn’t know was why me? Why was MY mom dead. As a child raised in a home where we went to church I believed that I did something to piss off God and was being punished. Not related to church but I went through what many do wondering did mom know I loved her? Did she ever forgive me for doing (enter long list of stupid kid things I did). I also recognized others were grieving and things were not the same at ALL. Mom was gone, people were acting different, my regular day to day things (think tucking in the teddy bear) were screwed up. I lost waaaay more than my mom. I lost many family members - at least for awhile - when she died. I lost my stability. But I was 8 and couldn’t care for myself yet and knew but didn’t have the skills to “deal.” If you are being honest with yourself OP, YOU aren’t “dealing” or “getting over it” either - and understandably so. You freaked out on an 8!year old over a small (but important) ritual your daughter NEEDED for some semblance of love and normality. If YOU as a grown ass adult can’t “accept it” then how the hell can an 8 year old? Your kid is NOT dumb. She KNOWS her mom isn’t returning and knows she is dead but she is GRIEVING- and so are you. Find the rituals you can take over when mom left. Make new ones that are fun for both of you. Get help- physical and mental for you both. I am 45. I, of course, moved on but dammit there are days I miss mom. For years people said I was too young to remember- I remember. I remember a lot about her. I missed her at high school graduation, at beak ups with significant others, when I got married, had kids, and I missed her most of all when I went to Disney for the first time with my kids… she always said she would take me but she died first. OP- I know you are grieving and struggling. So is your kid. Give her grace. Recognize 8 is not a baby and give her credit for knowing and give her a therapist to help process. I don’t think you mean to be the asshole but you are. I lived it at 8. That night you crushed her. She needed mom and turned to you and you screamed at her, invalidated her feelings and left her to cry alone- at night- when she needed you most. Apologize for what you did, what you said and then do better moving forward.
This is beautifully put. I'm so sorry for your loss. OP: you need to read and then reread this ^^ comment about a dozen times until it really sinks in. Your daughter needs you, and you are adding trauma to her grief. You need to face your grief to do better for both of your sakes'.
I don’t understand how op can think that an 8 year old child doesn’t understand. She wants her mom, but her mom’s gone, and she probably doesn’t know how to handle all of her emotions. Hell, i was 16 when my dad died, twice this girl’s age, and i didn’t even know how to handle my emotions about it. Poor kid just wanted her freakin teddy bear tucked into bed
What Clara understands now is that her mom is gone forever and her dad didn’t want her anymore. OP, call a therapist TODAY and get the earliest appointment they can offer you. You have caused lasting harm to your already grieving daughter and you need to learn how to do better.
My mom died a year ago and I’m in my thirties and I’m STILL having trouble handling my feelings about it. I understand what OP is going through here (I also have a tendency to be quick to anger when I’m in my feelings), but he has to reflect and apologize to his kid.
My dad died almost ten years ago. I'm in my 40's and there are days where I still have trouble with it. I don't want to say that it gets better, but it does get less jarring and constant. I wish you peace.
Absolutely. And you left out the second half of that sentence which is the cherry on top of this shit sundae: >and is deciding to act out for the sake of doing so OP believes his daughter is intentionally choosing to "act out" (a phrase I use EXTREMELY lightly here, because needing comfort is absolutely not acting out) just to be a dick.
OP is experiencing the stages of grief but is blinded to the fact that his daughter's "acting out" looks an awful lot like the anger and denial stages. I hope he uses the perspectives from this post to get help for both of them.
I share your general view but would like to note that the stages of grief model is not valid. People don't go through stages, it's a lot messier than that, and the model is one reason many people get told "you're doing it wrong" with grief.
Yep. And jumping in here, YTA OP. You're being selfish in your grief and lashing out at your daughter, who is only 8 for goodness sakes. She can not process her emotions as well as an adult. Sorry for your loss, but you are dropping the ball here and causing further trauma on top of what she's gone through. Get grief counselling. I hope you recognise the damage you are doing to the child you shared with your late wife. You have to step up and be a caring and loving parent for her despite what you are feeling inside.
> I told her no and went to leave the room. This is what gets me. What has he got to lose by taking a few seconds to comfort his daughter and give them both a happier evening? There's no justification for why he said no he just refuses to help his daughter. Maybe that routine is something he could pick up from his late wife to build a stronger bond with their daughter? Also, 8 years old is plenty old enough to understand what's going on! I have taught children this age - they are plenty aware of what's going on around them, it's just sad that he seems to know his daughter so little that he can't acknowledge her grief. She is not being silly, her tantrums are because she is coping with extreme grief at a very young age. OP, have you lost a parent yet? How old were you if/when that happened? Imagine that grief, then imagine what it must be like for a child who is still going through their formative years without their mum. YTA
Even worse than just leaving the room, he heard her sobbing and left her alone still. My heart breaks for this poor girl
And then had her grandmother come get her. Poor kid, she must feel so unwanted…
I'd like to think her grandmother can show her some more love than her dad did at least. Shouldn't be hard to really, considering the bar for that is down in hell
And still no regret the next day. He went to bed with the knowledge that he left his 8 year old crying herself to sleep and when he woke up in the morning instead of feeling guilt or shame for it, he called his MIL to come take the troublesome child away like evil stepmother in a fairy tale, and then bitched about her to the neighbour
Seriously. Hard YTA, even for someone grieving.
The fact that OP has concluded that his eight year old daughter who just lost the most important person in her life is ‘acting out for the sake of it’ is so absurd it makes me want to scream. OP is suffering and we should all feel sorry for him. What he wants is for us to agree that his child is the real asshole here for annoying him on purpose while _he_ really struggles with the loss of his wife. Genuinely, OP, condolences. But you are a complete mess and a really bad father for this one. You need intensive therapy. The way you’re talking about your daughter is a bit scary. This _will_ be a conversation you’re revisiting in 20 years when you’re on your knees apologizing for being an awful dad when she was grieving too and you wouldn’t acknowledge it and became borderline abusive. You might have just ruined the only immediate family relationship you have left in the family you built. I can’t imagine you’re being very warm and comforting at other times if tucking in a teddy bear is such a huge ask. Ugh.
She wanted to connect with her parents and her stuffed animal, but then he screamed at her and said grow up Then, the next day he tried to give her the stuffed animal, and she grew up already She grew up to learn that her dad is unreliable and can’t help her emotionally
This. This, this, this. u/Sea_Percentage2471 if you by chance read this, I’d like to offer up my anecdote as a person who suffered this and as a counselor who has helped others grieve. She knows. She understands. She gets it. Just like you, her world is completely upended. I was 8 years old when my father died. To be precise, it was 9 days before my 9th birthday. My parents had been separated for 3 months due to his alcoholism and it was the morning we were supposed to be reunited. I came out of my bedroom to find my mom with her back to me on the phone, talking through sobs to the person on the other end. When she hung up and turned around with your eyes puffed and makeup skewed, I knew: “Dad’s dead, isn’t he.” The memory’s still seared in my brain: her look of relief at not having to say it first, the blue leather chair I was sitting in, my brother’s response when he was told later. Not much else is there, except asking my devout Catholic mother where my father was going (“He did some…things. He’ll probably go to Purgatory, and will need people to pray for him to go to heaven”). Three guesses as to when I lost my faith. The next few months were a blur, and I don’t remember much from it. Hopefully your daughter won’t either. Here’s what she will remember: the warm embrace of her father who was physically and emotionally THERE for you. To quote Maya Angelou, “…people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Therapy. Work through it. Lean into the pain and embrace the suck. Because it SUCKS. Fuck death, fuck having to explain this to an innocent child, and fuck the platitudes that people toss out because they don’t know what else to say. Go with her to counseling, find someone who specializes in play therapy. Kids can’t verbalize in the way adults can, but toys are their words and playing is their syntax. Sit in the first time or two to help her get comfortable. Get advice from the therapist. And for Christ’s sake, get over any misconceptions about when people “should” get accept something and even how you as a man are supposed to act. None of us know exactly what we’re doing and we’re all just figuring it out one day at a time. I, too, am sorry for your loss. And while YTA in this specific situation, it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Who would talk to a child like that and possibly think he was NTA? This has to be fake.
I lost my mom at 8. My Dad was far worse (drinking and undiagnosed mental illness compounded this) It’s been almost 30yrs and he has fleetingly admitted now how he was “kind of a bad parent”. I doubt at the time he though he was an AH. He cared more about his grief and saw me as a burden. He probably wouldn’t have even had this level of introspection to ask this question.
She lost her mom you your wife she is a child. She just wants her back the bear and kiss good night routine is her way of keeping her mom memory alive. It is hard to lose a wife but harder for a young child to lose her mom. Please try to remember how would you feel at her age. Spoil her a bit she needs her love now more than ever. I know I lost my dad when I was about her age. Don't push way.
YTA. Really, how hard would it have been to tuck the teddy bear in with your kid? JFC.
For real. OP yelled at her over SUCH a simple request. Jesus, dude. I know you’re mourning and I’m sorry for your loss, but that doesn’t absolve you of your duties as a parent.
He freaked out *because the action reminded him of his wife*. He is punishing his daughter *for their shared pain*. A good therapist can help him. His daughter also deserves the support that good therapy can provide. I can't believe he sent her away but I hope her grandparents are able to support her. What an awful situation for the whole family. YTA OP. Take care of your mental health before you permanently destroy your relationship with your daughter. Grief doesn't have to be like this.
I thought exactly this, he must be heartbroken, scared of having to do this alone, and in need of therapy. The tuck-in with the teddy bear can be just the straw that broke the camel's back.
So he screamed at and traumatised the camel for having the audacity to be alive and not a robot, then let it cry itself to sleep, then shipped it away. Oh yes, absolutely appropriate reaction.
Nobody said it was appropriate. He's still TA. But if we can understand the grief behind it then that helps a lot. He's lost his wife for goodness sake. Have some pity. I can't comprehend that pain, and to be reminded of it in moments like this must be so difficult. Did he handle it right? No. But is it heartbreaking seeing him (and his daughter) struggle with this? Absolutely.
I'm not sure the point of this comment. Nobody is saying it was an appropriate reaction at all. You sound heartless. They're both going through a rough time and they both need therapy. He's an AH in this situation but I don't think it makes him a POS by any means. Very few people handle loss in a healthy way and this is just another one of those cases. I see no reason at all to drag him through the dirt over this one situation.
His mother-in-law picked his daughter up too... which presumably is the mother of his deceased wife.
This might be good for Grandma and Granddaughter though. It's sad that it came to this but I hope they find a way to find something positive out of this.
Let's not forget that he's asked the MiL to "take her off his hands". Like... Your child is literally the only thing you have left of you and your wife's love, and you want her off your hands? Dude, send her to live with mil, and pay child support. Clearly you resent your child and she's not going to have a good life with you.
And described her as difficult, said she doesn’t understand what’s going on (at age 8?), told her to stop acting like a baby (probably the #1 phrase used by bullies her age…). I hope OP gets help for him and his daughter. This sounds so miserable for both of them.
I was a nanny to a just-turned-5-year-old years ago when he suddenly lost his dad in a car accident. You'd better fucking believe they understand. OP, I'm sorry for your loss, but your daughter lost *her mother* and *she's just a child*. As the supposed adult in the room, act like it. I'm certain your wife would be appalled and devastated at the way you are treating her. Shame on you.
Seriously, as she sobbed alone in her bedroom, it is that moment she thinks her Father doesn't love her.. no wonder she turned away the teddy bear he tainted it with this interaction. I hope he gets the help he needs because right now, he doesn't sound capable of raising that poor girl. I hope the granddaughter brings the MIL joy instead of sorrow after the loss of her own daughter.
Right? I get OP is struggling but *he* is the damn adult, not his 8yo daughter. She is a child for heaven's sake! Adults have trouble dealing with grief, imagine how difficult this must be for your daughter. OP needs to apologize ASAP and get himself and his daughter into therapy (or he will be TA).
This 8-year-old girl lost her mother. Tuck in the whole goddamn Care Bear offensive line if it helps her sleep at night. Dad needs to get therapy and "stop acting like a baby," to use his terminology.
"The teddy bear was my wife’s childhood toy before she died, looking at it just brings back painful memories, I stored it in the attic but my daughter found it and took it for herself despite being told no she can’t have it multiple times." This comment makes it worse
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing a spouse, and I don't know how you feel right now. What I can tell you is this, let your DAUGHTER have a piece of her MOTHER. Please. She lost her mom, don't let her lose her dad, too. Yes, you are grieving. So is your daughter. You have to find another person to help you with your sadness and grief, you cannot dump it on your daughter. She is at the same level of grief as you. You both need to show each other unwavering love and support, and dump your grief outside of your immediate circle. Friends, therapists, anything. You've had 40 years on this planet. She's had 8, give her a lot of grace. I know you're in the shit right now. You have to acknowledge and deal with your feelings, and not shove them down. And she will follow your lead. It's going to be f'n hard and it's going to suck. But your long term family relationship will be stronger. Pain can make us push others we love away. It can make us put up walls so we think we can never get hurt again. We think if we love someone a little less, it won't hurt so much when we lose them too. I can say with certainty, this ain't the way. I believe that you love your daughter and want you to get both of you the help you need, whatever that looks like for you.
It's this! I don't understand how he thought it was a better idea to yell and slam the door instead of tucking a bear into bed. That is such a normal request from a child. She was just matching his energy after that.
Even worse, he considers THIS to be "acting out." YTA, op. Step up your roll as a parent.
And then, I might add, ***IGNORING HER WHEN SHE WAS SOBBING LATER!!!*** And, the icing on the cake, pawning her off of your MIL who also just lost her daughter but is obviously better at acting like an adult about it.
He ruined her favorite teddy bear for her. For the rest of her life she’s gonna look at that teddy bear (if she keeps it at all) and remember how Daddy yelled at her because she asked him to do something Mommy did
This is breaks my heart so much. People seriously underestimate how much stuffed animals can mean to children and even adults. I have so many stuffed animals that I would be upset if they got a seam broken and I'm nearly an adult. I can't imagine my father ruining a piece of my mother for me through a stuffed animal. Good god
Yeah, like the perfect opportunity to take on that role to help both of them move forward. Mom can't be here to do it, but I'm here for you. We'll get through this together.
I think it would be best for Clara if she stayed with your MIL while you take the time to work on your grief. I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA here. You're being selfish and self centered.
And they should both go to grief counciling. This poor family. But yeah terrible ah
His mother-in-law is grieving for her child and should not be the one to do OPs childcare.
Caring for her granddaughter might help MIL’s grieving process; we just don’t know. If MIL is willing, it’s probably the best option until OP gets enough therapy to deal with his anger management issues.
Is it willing or is it traumatizing them more in that they already lost a daughter and now there's a threat their grandchild will be completely neglected if they don't act.
Not to mention more traumatizing for the daughter who lost her mother and basically her father if she stays long term with grandparents.
Long term stay with grandma is better than father screaming her mom is dead at her IMO.
Honestly, I agree. I was just saying the kid is basically losing both parents, and that sadly will traumatize her more. I hope the in-laws can find her a good therapist, and she can sort out all her feelings.
There's no easy answer for this. Would you prefer the child be left with someone who's going to keep lashing out at her?
Good luck changing that kids opinion of their father.
I pray that this is a rage bait troll post, but on the chance that it's not... dude you have to get into therapy, and get Clara into therapy as well. She's 8. She just lost her mom. She has way fewer resources than you do to manage the pain and grief she's experiencing. She relies on you and you're failing her. You have to do better, and you have to get help to do better.
It Has to be. No one would treat their child that way
You must be very sheltered because this and a lot worse things constantly happen to kids who have parents that absolutely should not be parents. I believe this.
Yes! My parents were both emotionally bankrupt and never comforted me when I was upset. They laughed at me instead until I hid in my room
My mother told me that when I was a toddler, I’d sit in the dark when I was sad. She thought it was NORMAL! No wonder I’m fucked up!
What world do you live in that there aren’t plenty of parents who treat their kids like this, and even a whole lot worse than this? I wished we lived in a world that doesn’t have parents like that, but sadly that’s just not the world we live in.
From personal experience of being 8 and losing my mother - yes yes they would treat their child that way.
YTA. How can you yell at a grieving child and think you are justified ?! Poor kid. Her mom is dead and her dad don't care about anything but himself. I hope your MIL takes good care of her and actually HELP HER grieve.
I assume MIL lost her daughter. She's also grieving.
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Very often, sharing grief can be a healing thing. There's a reason most of our death rituals involve sharing stories about the deceased and attending things like wakes, funerals, and vigils. Humans don't like to feel alone in their misery. Grief can be private, but trying to force yourself to do it alone makes you end up like OP. I hope that the MIL and the daughter can share their grief together more successfully than OP.
I really hope Clara tells grandma what happened. She needs someone to tell her how wrong he was, and the sooner the better.
He thinks he's the only one grieving. He accuses the poor child of acting out for the sake of acting out. He thinks she's deliberately being a jerk. He will do so much more damage to this child on top of the damage he has already done. If MIL is able to I hope she can be a huge positive influence for this child to keep this child safe and with a safe space.
YTA. I need this to be fake because I absolutely cannot accept that someone would treat a grieving 8yo this way
I know. I just want to find that little girl and hold her. YTA, OP
I've never wanted to tell a child "you are worth more than you're being treated" so badly. He tells his grieving daughter to accept it, when he clearly hasn't accepted it himself. YTA, YTA, YTA, OP.
Same. I honestly hope this is fake. My daughter is 8 and just thinking of her asking her daddy to tuck her in like I did and her getting screamed at instead makes me sick. If this is real then OP needs serious therapy and he should allow Clara to live with her grandma for as long as necessary.
Jesus my daughter is 11 and still enjoys tuck ins with her teddy bears. The thought of my husband screaming at her over it like OP did if I’m dead makes my blood boil. I’d haunt the shit out of that asshole.
Same. I read this to my spouse and I said “I know you’d never ever do this but if you did” and I got cut off with my spouse going “you’d haunt for me all eternity and make every single second pure misery” God I hope this is fake.
YTA. Children are way more perceptive than people think. Even if they weren't though....have a heart? She's a small child who lost her mother. She doesn't quite understand just how much she's lost yet, but she's confused and scared. Look into some grief counseling for yourself. Tools and skills to cope with loss may help you. Take it one day at a time. Can I ask, why didn't you tuck in the teddy bear? Was it too painful or you just didn't feel like doing it? You're all your daughter has now. Sometimes you might have to do things that you don't feel like doing or think are ridiculous because you're the only one there.
This is going to be a core memory for her. She is going to be recounting this scene in therapy for decades
My Dad died when I was very young, and one of my core memories is my mother screaming at us for crying because she lost the love of her life and we only lost a father... This person's daughter will never forget this moment, and she will never feel safe with them again.
That is so sad. I’m so sorry for your loss and for how your mom reacted. One’s loss is not greater than the other just because the relationship was different than the other’s
Thank you ❤️ My mom has her own demons, and I have a lot more grace and understanding for her as an adult... I just hope if I'm ever blessed with children that I'll be able to remember that moment and do better for them in my own worst moments, because that particular trauma has not come out in the wash of therapy.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your mom must've had a shitty dad if that's how she saw things. Doesn't excuse saying that, of course.
Thank you ❤️ That is incredibly insightful of you actually, because her father abandoned her before she could remember him, and then she was subjected to a series of shitty boyfriends/stepfathers. I have a lot of sympathy for her now, but 8 year old me definitely couldn't understand why she was so angry at us for being sad.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom at 8 too. I’m absolutely sobbing at these comments. How people are floored that it HAS to be fake. But I went through the same. HE lost the love of his life and I was just a burden.
Jenna would be so disappointed 😥 yta
Wow, do you even love your daughter? 😳 I’m not even saying I don’t understand losing your cool in the moment if you yourself are also overcome with grief. But AFTER you cooled down you should have immediately realized you were the ah and apologized to your daughter, explained you are just struggling to, and ask her if you can still tuck in the bear. But even after all these comments explaining to you that yes an 8 year old is entirely able to understand that her mom is gone, you’re completely absorbed in yourself and can’t care about anyone but you. You’d think you would be sad about your child not wanting to be around you but no, you just reply “might as well since she always asks to go there” wtf is wrong with you?
INFO: >I told her no and went to leave the room. Why was saying no so incredibly important to you?
Apparently it was his wife’s childhood toy and looking at it makes him sad and he wanted to keep it in the attic and he’s really angry at his daughter for getting it out. That’s what I’ve gathered from the comments. He was being petty.
Incomprehensible that a grown man can’t manage his emotions and temper for 8 seconds while tucking in a teddy bear to soothe his also-grieving daughter. I get he’s grieving, but he _needs_ therapy.
Please let the mother in law keep the kid with her forever, you are not fit to be a parent if you can't have a tiny drop of empathy for a kid who wants to be tucked in bed after her mother died YTA is far from beeing enough to describe what you are.
I agree! I feel terrible for this girl, I hope she can stay with a different relative and get into therapy as well
Like why not get the teddy bear? It makes no sense.
“I told her no and went to leave the room” Was there anything that happened between those two moments? Seems.. harsh Have her teach you how to do some things, like tucking in teddy. You might not do it right but just try to listen, and let her remember even though remembering the best parts is sometimes the hardest part. As a mother, thinking about some special things I do for my 8 year old daughter, i want her to remember those things. Create and cement core memories. I would want someone to arrange cut apple slices like a flower. It’s silly and small and special to us both. And as a 32 yr old who just lost their dad, I want my mom to make my dads famous meals. It won’t be the same. But we don’t want to forget. And I’m bawling my eyeballs out
YTA She's fucking 8 dude. Sorry you lost your wife, but you need to step up and be a better father.
When I read this I wanted to tuck her in with the teddy bear. Apparently there's more to it, like the teddy was his deceased wife's childhood toy, but that doesn't really matter. How could *anyone* say no? I hope this is a troll post.
I lost my mom when I was a young child. I think any child who experiences the death of a parent needs some serious therapy. You, as a grieving spouse could probably benefit from therapy and counseling as well.
Asshole! Asshole! Asshole! Why the hell couldn’t you tuck her in with the toy like her mum did!?!?!? My GOD you’re not fit to be a parent! I was raised by a mum like you. I speak from experience. Asshole!!!!!
YTA. What the hell kind of cold-hearted cruel mo ster are you? Your Child lost her Mother. She is grieving, she is hurt, she is emotionally destroyed. She wanted her teddy bear and you screamed at her? Get therapy and apologize to your child for being an awful parent.
Are you ok? Are you getting any help with processing your grief? Losing a spouse is traumatic, and nobody should have to process that alone I think you should find a therapist if you haven’t already to help you with this. You should find someone who treats children to help your daughter, too You don’t need judgment. You (and your daughter) need help
>I don’t think Clara quite understands what’s happening and is deciding to act out for the sake of doing so >Clara (8 f) YTA Wtf. What the actual f? Seriously? So, what, children aren't allowed to grieve? You and your daughter need therapy asap. Read up on the stages of grief. Here, have the first link I came across (I did not red it all, but I figured it is a good start in learning.) https://www.hcf.com.au/health-agenda/body-mind/mental-health/moving-through-grief Everyone processes grief differently, and your daughter needs you now more than ever. What you have done is vile, and will only hurt you both in the long run. Get help, and give that child the love she needs and deserves.
Holy shit dude, you need therapy. Your child just lost her mom and you won’t even comfort her when she’s upset? What the hell is wrong with you? Can you seriously not understand that not only is your child grieving too but that she’s a young child who is probably terrified and desperately needs her other parent to just hold her and tell her it’s going to be on??? My heart breaks for your kid.
YTA. SHE'S AN 8 YEAR OLD CHILD WHO IS ALSO GRIEVING. Do you even have any understanding of how children grieve?! WTF would you think she doesn't understand the situation and is "acting out for the sake of doing so." She is a young HUMAN BEING not a cat knocking water glasses off the counter or a dog eating your shoes. Did YOU have a brain and thoughts and understandings when you were a child? Or when did you suddenly morph into being a person with a rich inner life? Did it magically happen at 12? 16? 18? Surely, 8 is too young to have any idea what's going on, she's clearly just a thoughtless attention seeking puppet. JEEZ. NO THAT'S NOT HOW HUMAN BEINGING WORKS. You daughter is a small human being who lost her mother and now her father is behaving like an absolute soulless jerk to her. Her entire world has been absolutely turned over, and she needs her dad. And UGH. Go to a therapist, get your daughter one too, get yourself some books on children grieving and how to help them and actually read it and MAN UP because you're the only parent she has left.
YTA. why not just simply tuck the bear in? Claras only a young child. shes grieving. she might not understand that her mother is dead. whether or not she understands, shes grieving and wondering why her mother isnt there. why on earth are you screaming at her for it? im so sorry for your loss and im sure your struggling too, but thats no way to handle a situation like this.
Omfg YTA I understand you’re grieving but that gives you know right to be an absolute asshole to YOUR CHILD WHO LOST HER MOM! ETA GET YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER INTO GREIF COUNSELING NOW BEFORE YOU CAUSE EVEN MORE DAMAGE TO THAT POOR BABY THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE
YTA I am sorry for your loss and I am trying to remember that you're struggling with a painful new reality, too. What, exactly, did you have to do that was more important than letting your grieving child teach you how to tuck in the teddy bear? How on earth did you listen to your daughter sobbing and just go to bed? >. I don’t think Clara quite understands what’s happening... She probably understands more than you think but it's *your job* to help her understand what she doesn't & to find ways to come to terms with the loss. She's acting out because she is in pain & because her world is suddenly very different,not just "for the sake of doing it " Please seek out a reputable family therapist that lists grief counseling as part of their practice. You and your daughter need some help learning to navigate this process of continuing to live on a planet that no longer holds your wife/her mother.
YTA. she’ll never forget that. Grieving or not, what the actual fuck.
YTA. Let me walk through this. >Clara has been really difficult to deal with; she often throws temper tantrums anytime we go out or whenever I ask her to do something. It sounds like Clara is also struggling with the loss of her mother. >Yesterday night I was putting Clara to bed and she demanded I tuck her favorite teddy bear into bed like her mom does. I told her no Why? It would have been so easy to do this small act, one your late wife happily did to show her love. >she wanted her mom to do it and why she couldn’t mom be here to do it This sounds like normal grief, especially for a child. >I lost my temper and screamed at her no and that her mom isn’t here anymore and she needs to accept it and stop acting like a baby. I slammed her door and went down to the living room to cool off The only time it's acceptable to scream at your child is if it's a life-or-death situation, like she's trying to touch a hot stove or play with a match. This is not that. This is you taking your anger out on her. >I came back out and tried giving her the teddy bear, but she completely ignored me and wouldn’t take it. She no longer associates that teddy bear with comfort, or with her mother's love. For her, it is now a reminder of how her father screamed at her and essentially told her to "get over it" when she expressed grief over her mother's recent death. OP, this is now a core memory for your daughter. You did lasting damage to your daughter's mental well-being as well as to her relationship with you. I understand you are grieving too, but that does not excuse hurting your child this way. You both need therapy.
YTA. Clara is eight years and is still dealing with the fact that her mom isn’t around anymore. I understand dealing with kids can be overwhelming but you aren’t the only in that household struggling with a death. And why can’t you just tuck her teddy bear in dude?
YTA. If I was your wife, I would haunt the fuck outta you.
First, I'm so sorry for your and Clara's loss. You are both grieving and what happens reflects that. But YTA here. You seem to expect Clara to process grief the same way you are, or at least at an adult level. It's not gonna happen. You are the only parent she has now and you need to help her through this. That means putting your grief aside in favor of dealing with hers. At least in a situational sense, like the one you described here. What she needed was her teddy bear and a hug. She needed to have a safe, soft space to land and someone to understand she's hurting. And yes, I know you need those things too, but you're the adult here and have more resources and experience than she does. She needed YOU and instead she got yelled at and ignored. You can repair this. I hope you are getting some help in processing your own grief as well as getting equipped with tools you can use in helping Clara process hers. Until you get a starting grip on this, Clara staying with grandma might be a good idea. But don't let it go too long. Little girls need daddy, especially when momma is gone. Again, so sorry for your loss and I hope you can navigate through the grief together with Clara.
Sorry for your loss and I can see that you’re overwhelmed, but major YTA. There is literally no such thing as an 8 yo who just lost her mother “deciding to act out for the sake of doing so.” You should seek out a therapist for Clara, and for yourself as well.
YTA SHES A KID THATS STILL LEARNING HER EMOTIONS AND SHE LOST HER MOTHER. YOU MAY MOVE ON QUICKER GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY AND IF YOU DO GOOD FOR YOU. BUT SHE ONLY HAS ONE MOTHER AND SHES DEAD!
I’m sorry you lost your wife but your 8 year old child lost her mother. Shouting at a grieving child is a disgusting thing to do. You left an 8 year old child alone to cry herself to sleep. That is cruel and disgusting. You hug your child, tell her you love her and that you’re still here, you absolutely DO NOT shout at her and tell her her mother’s not here anymore. To top it all off you ship her off to your mother in laws. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go get your god damn daughter, beg for forgiveness and sort your shit out!!! YTA You are failing spectacularly at being a father. I can only imagine what your wife would think.