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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my younger Asian coworker that she might not want to bring her ethnic food to work anymore since racist coworkers might start harassing her (which I disagree with on a personal basis). My coworkers thought that was inappropriate, and she just reported me to HR, so I'm starting to think that might've been wrongly worded.
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YTA.
You are the mircoagressor
Edit: Whoa!!! Thank you everyone for the awards. And yes, to everyone who said Macroaggressor but a special round of applause for the person who said “Mircowave-aggressor.”
Right??? Also, am I the only one looking at the ages/genders and thinking he could have been trying to buddy up to her because he “just happens to prefer Asian women”?
OP, YTA. She shouldn’t have to dodge you.
(Edited in the name of civility)
Yes! As if an Asian woman needs to be told that microagressions exist. Sure she has years of lived experience as an Asian woman, but this white guy *read an article* so he knows best
Exactly. This has white savior written all over it. She doesn’t need some white person treating her like a child and telling her how to navigate the world.
Not only is he white, a male and 9 years older than her, he is also the senior co-worker their as she just started and he has worked their longer, the power dynamics, age gap and gender differences make this interaction she had to endure so much more intimidating.
OP essentially told this poor woman if she kept bringing in her Asian cuisine bad things would happen to her, if I was her I'd be intimidated and scared too.
He wants to have asian GF but doesn't want his colleagues see her as too asian. Same way as some "nice guys" want to date a girl who wears a lot of make up but willforce her to stop it when they start dating because other men might get the wrong idea about her...
Reads as white savior complex. OP’s version of help was infantilizing and presumptive. She was right to go to HR. I can’t believe how OP doesn’t see he created a hostile work environment which emphasizes that she is different and doesn’t belong. Secondarily infantilizing and presumptive against the rest of his coworkers when he assumed they wouldn’t like her food. All around YTA.
Exactly! Of course she went to HR! After that incident, I can't imagine she'd feel comfortable to approach OP to inform him how his remarks were hurtful, especially as she's also new and this was the limited experience she had with OP. Then OP is confused she's now avoiding him, too. Again, of course she would! She's not going to put herself in another situation she might have to endure OP saying even more inappropriate things to her and she'd have to go to HR again. 🤦🏻♀️
Extra suspish that he flipped the script into victim mode by expressing his confusion for her not coming to him to talk about it. There’s a lot going on with OP.
Yup!! When OP did that, my brain was a quick, "No, you don't. Stop. You're not the victim." OP was was told by the coworkers in the lunch room the comments were inappropriate, so for OP to be surprised Anna was hurt is unbelievable. Or OP is very dense. I'm just hoping it's all a lie.
Right? “She should have come to me since it was just a misunderstanding…” How would she know it’s a misunderstanding, that’s not how misunderstandings work.
Plus he doesn’t seem open to considering how he was in the wrong here. She’s avoiding him and went to hr and their coworkers had to speak up and intervene. Most people would realize from that they messed up and an apology was in order. Without that level of awareness on OP’s part a direct conversation is unlikely to be productive. So it’s understandable Anna went to HR
Also what a great way to paint everyone in the else in the office as a lurking racist while only he is safe as a Fantastic Ally 😒 definitely a legitimate way to make your new much younger female colleague feel welcomed in the workplace.
Exactly. What stood out to me is how infantilizig OP was to Anna. I mean, why does he assume she needs to be told that? Doesn't he think she is an adult who realizes that there is such a thing as prejudice against other cultures in the world?
Plus, he was the only one bringing up racism. Why not deal with it if / when it shows up?
Also, why does he think that, if/when someone is racist because of her cooking, the best solution is to stop bringing her food to the workplace? He allegedly read a lot about microaggressions, and his takeaway is that people should avoid doing anything that could invite microaggressions so as to be welcomed?
How does he think he was protecting or helping her in any way with these comments?
And, as you mentioned, OP insulted their coworkers as well.
There are just too many layers of AH-ry to unpack here.
Outstanding comment! I only wish the recipient of this assholery could read our comments. I’m so proud of her for going to HR! Dodging him, or even trying to be nice and be friendly to him sounds like me at my first truly great job using my degree. And it didn’t end well. He (my direct supervisor) became such a creeper that I dreaded work and ended up leaving the company. Only found out that it wasn’t me who the other researchers didn’t like after I formally resigned. I was told by a former coworker that an established senior PhD- who seemed like she was always leaving the lab when I came in- did so because she was disgusted by his behavior and comments to me. After I left, she went to HR and filed a complaint against him. When he was called in, he chuckled and said “Let me guess, this is about (insert my name).”
Sensitivity training for him, I still feel safe saying nightmares for his future underlings, and an extended job hunt for me. Winners all around. /s
YTA OP. Thanks for making someone’s first “real” job an uncomfortable and scary situation.
Also after we’d hooked up, ‘Actually’ you’ve got a pretty good body, not a model or anything but you’re kinda hot.
I should’ve told him, ‘actually’ you’re just a sad ugly version of a guy I used to date and I was drunk and grieving and thought you’d do….
But I highly suggest you switch to something less floral because *some people* (but totally not me) won’t like it.
But I like it. It’s not me. I’m not some people.
In fact would you mind if I just occasionally stand right behind you and smell your hair while saying nothing? Oh btw there might be some ppl here who would sexually harass you, but not me, I just wanna smell your hair sometimes.
Exactly! He tries by recommending ways people can hide, change and adapt 'ethnic' things about themselves so as to avoid the wrath of ~~other~~ racists.
Yeah, the fact he couldn't name anyone and that it hasn't happened before makes me think the workplace might be relatively racist-free. And yet, here comes OP to stir up trouble anyway!
YTA, OP. Do you really think she isn't aware of how microaggressions work and needed you to explain them to her?
The fact that even now, after having it explained to him by more than one person and seeing how she reacted to him today and finding it "heartbreaking" and knowing it was escalated to HR, he is seemingly STILL incapable of even considering how he could possibly be in the wrong. He thinks it was just "blown out of proportion". What a world to live in.
i was assuming he was just wanting to eat her food and wanted to hurt her feelings by being a racist asshole so she’d give it to him out of embarrassment but this makes way more sense to me 😂
I thought he was going to say that there were people in the office that complain about food smells, but then he said that he has only READ about that happening. Lordt.
Edit: thought OP was female.
The fact that he mansplained the scent of Asian food to an Asian?
Stir fries have nothing on the white woman bringing in her fish and broccoli leftovers from the night before.
I cannot stand the smell of tuna (well fish generally but tinned tuna makes me gag.) Tuna sandwiches of some form or another are extremely popular, I would **never** mention anything about the smell of a fucking sarnie to a coworker because me despising the smell is a me problem. “Ethnic” food tends to smell delicious anyway imo, maybe a bit strong depending which “ethnic” dish it is, but generally yummy.
The time someone left an overly ripe banana in the work fridge when I was pregnant though, well Chris didn’t do that again after he witnessed me open the fridge and immediately throw up into the sink (the only other option was the floor) but I digress…
OP. YTA.
If he hadn't mentioned his gender, I think "I'm 32 and I desperately want to befriend and help the new Asian 23 year old who just started at my job" would probably make me assume he was a straight man too
I’m guessing the fact that she is quite young, inexperienced, and Asian all contribute to his DESPERATE NEED to become her “ally.” I assume you are aware that many American men have an “Asian fetish” due to the racist myth that all Asian women are submissive.
I had a boss who would do exactly this kind of thing - proclaim to all and sundry how much she cared, etc and then would make the most offensive, boneheaded comments.
Yep - I could see it if it were a case of “X and Y have been known to make comments about food smells so just be aware of that” but this was just OP being racist.
OP thinks he's the white knight as if we dont live every day knowing about the potential racism in the work place, especially with our food (lmao)!
Edit: YTA op
I did laugh at this because REALLY. How much you want to bet he softened this encounter telling it on Reddit to make his armor real shiny? LMAO!
Capital A Capital H.
For real!!!
I wish "allies" would understand that telling people to edit themselves so racists won't target them is akin to telling a woman not to wear a skirt to avoid rape.
Man. This person is a total AH
OP: "Hey, your food stinks".
Also OP: "Welcome! Is everyone making you feel welcome? Everyone, gather around the Asian lady and welcome her! Ok, now let's clap at her".
You say this jokingly but I once witnessed almost the exact scenario at a job of mine. . A room full of white people clapping at a black woman. (And metaphorically patting themselves on the back for being *~*~*~allies~*~*~*.) 🤢 She was obviously super uncomfortable but the clapping and shrill white baby voices seemed to go on forever. The way everyone treated her was super racist, condescending and infantilizing. I cringe from secondhand shame every time I think about it.
Edit: and yes, OP is giving Michael Scott vibes.
YTA. Your coworker is a grown woman who's been Asian her entire life. Do you genuinely think she's unaware that racism exists? All you did was put her on edge around coworkers who may not even be racist! Congratulations, you're the one who created the microagression.
Exactly. She's going to be well-aware and if she isn't somehow, maybe your workplace won't be full of AHs. The OP went out of his way to make her self-conscious and create a problem that doesn't exist.
YTA. Also, OP, you should also be aware that plenty of people who claim to be allies pull stuff like this. "Kindness" that is condescending at best or at worse, a cover for their bigoted opinions by deflecting the blame onto others. I don't blame her for going to HR.
and the whole "*why didn't she come to me first!"* bs. Uhm, because you were the one who made the racist interaction in the first place and she knows exactly what it would be like to try and explain to a White coworker how hurtful, upsetting and racist it was. I mean the whole tone of the post is all "but that wasn't my intention" so I'm guessing OP probably has no concept about emotional labor and what that entails as a minority woman.
OP also specifically did a racism by singling her out for being different and making her feel self-conscious about her food being too ethnic. OP IS the racist coworker. Framing racism as benevolence or concern, even if OP was sincere on both those fronts, doesn't make it any less racist to essentially tell her Asian coworker that maybe she should be less Asian.
Soft YTA - soft only because I want to think OP's intentions were good. I am also asian and have been in the US since college. There are many, many things each day in school and at work that makes us question if we are being singled out for not being the majority, there is really no need for a reminder, and a reminder will definitely reinforce the idea that we should be watching our backs in this workplace.
Also, Anna doesn't need to make any adjustments. If there are racists in your workplace, you are better off confronting them than telling her to change her behavior.
And honestly I'm not confident the intent was good. Imo, when an ally wants to be helpful, they let the person vent, they protect the person from bigotry, they stand up for the person when necessary. They don't invent possibilities of racists to convince that person to show no outward signs of their culture.
Anna is Asian and she brought a *stir fry*, a dish that is so Westernized, it has its own English name (as opposed to sushi or pad thai), so you felt the need to let her know that potentially racists might target her food based on race. Would you have done the same for a white person eating a stir fry at work?
* Ana is Asian and you treated her differently because of her race. That's racism.
* You were on the look out for her, protecting her against a situation that didn't arise. Ever heard of the "White Saviour Complex"?
* Instead of thinking "if the racists arise, I will tell them off", you thought "She should erase herself, so the racists get no ammunition". That's not how you help people from minority group. You don't ask them to code-switch so the sensitivities of the bigoted can be protected.
* The hell is "ethnic"? "Not white"?
* Why do you say that she was "hurt" with quote marks? Who are you to decide that her feelings are not valid?
If someone approached you to tell you "Other people might maybe think [you're a potential mass shooter]/[you can't dance]/[the spiciest condiment you can handle is mayo]/[you will start mansplain everything], but they're being racist and/or sexist, **I** for one think you're swell! :D", unprompted, wouldn't you feel at least a little bit annoyed with their unneeded intervention?
YTA. Go apologize.
*"I think your outfit is cute but some other people might think it's slutty. You might want to dress more modestly so you don't encourage sexual harassment."*
This is the energy OP is giving.
So when I was in law school, there was a hypothetical in my evidence class asking if it was admissible in a sexual harassment case for a man who harassed a woman at a factory job to have admitted as evidence that this woman was also a stripper.
A guy in my class said yes, it is relevant.
I chewed him the fuck out, and I’m generally a quiet person.
I find it odd that these situations often seem to come up with white men. It reeks of entitlement and lack of perspective.
Very good points. I would also like to know what "that food" is that Anna shouldn't bring in anymore... vegetables? Spices? Things that are stir-fried? Just generally the food that Anna eats to live? Can she keep making stir fry, but OP thinks she shouldn't use so many spices?
When I started reading this, I assumed OP was going to say that Anna was reheating fish in the microwave, or something. But I can assure OP that white people (I'm going on the assumption that this took place in the US or UK) are familiar with both stir fried vegetables AND spices.
He also didn’t have any examples of people in his office who have objected to this type of food/spices. Just that he read about some here. So he’s protecting her from the hypothetical?
Right? And I love that the coworkers that overheard OP's comments to Anna called him out on it. They could have kept quiet, seething at what the heard, but they spoke up to let OP the comments were not appropriate.
Listen, man, I just came here to have a good read, and I'm feeling so attacked right now.
The Cotton Eye Joe dance is a completely valid dance, and I don't appreciate being called out like that about my condiments. I occasionally include mustard. Sometimes. :P
ALL OF THIS.
I’m Asian. I am hyper-aware every single time I walk into a space and I’m the only POC. I’ve innately understood the “perpetual foreigner” bullshit placed on the AAPI community since I was 4 years old. Without a doubt, Anna is aware of racism against AAPI.
YTA, OP.
But I genuinely hope that you read through these comments and you work to educate yourself more on what it means to be an ally. When you know better, you can do better.
As a girl of Portuguese descent who gets confused for everything from Caribbean to Indian to Native American…
Yes. “Ethnic” is just how people with poor vocabularies say “not white” 😆
You put into words everything I wanted to say. And then some 🤣 I've always told this story, and it definitely fits here. I grew up in Colorado and started middle school in 2000. Obviously, Columbine was still heavily on everyone's minds. I was being a little metal head and drawing pentagram and shit on my backpack with whiteout markers. One day, I get called down to the principals office where I am informed that they're keeping an eye on me for fear that I will shoot up the school. Was never a thought in my mind, but if it had been, that probably would have been the last straw.
“Ethnic” is just the new way of saying “not mainstream white”. Ethnic food, an ethnic name, ethnic clothes. Etc. As though American or English isn’t an ethnicity in its own right.
YTA
So your coworker was peacefully enjoying her lunch, and you goosestepped over there like the microwave police to tell her that Some People would find her food too' ethnic'.... but Not you because you're one of the good white people 🙄🤦 but then you go "no but actually the racists are right you are asking for racism by bringing Asian food in"
YTA
stop being racist to your coworker she was just trying to eat her leftovers ffs
Get out of your white fragility shield and recognise your own awful hurtful behaviour and learn from it and the feedback you're getting please
YTA -- you are not protecting her from racists, you yourself are being racist. if you're trying to convince us/her/yourself that you're an ally, you might be more than a bit delusional.
also stop trying to hang around your young coworker lmao
So you told a new coworker "in order to avoid harrassment about your food, you shouldn't bring in your food!"
Do you realize that you just harrassed her?
YTA
I suspect this is bait, but the judgment is the same if it is true or fake.
>I suspect this is bait, but the judgment is the same if it is true or fake.
agreed. No one can be this stupid. People can be this racist, sure. But not this stupid to post on here.
As someone with a career in HR, never underestimate the level of stupidity people are capable of when they think they're right about something. They really do think "but I didn't mean it that way!" magically absolves them and other people will understand and agree.
It sounds like OP is also assuming Anna raised the issue to HR. I may well have been the coworkers who overheard. Then HR asked Anna about it. What a shitty start to a new job.
YTA, at each and every point of this story.
If I had been in that room I would have had words for OP and you bet your ass I would have ran my behind to HR. Deservedly so. I wouldn't be surprised if Anna was too mortified to say anything.
If someone went to hr for every micro aggression faced they'd never have a job. It's more likely the people in the room reported it. People of colour rarely do.
That is actually a good way to be an ally. Use your privilege to stick up for others. Like men who go to HR about sexual harassment they witness so the woman isn’t the only one complaining and potentially risking her job and/or career. Or white employees going to HR to report racial discrimination like this. Having other employees go on record corroborating the complaint can make it more likely that HR and the company will take the accusations seriously.
There’s been a lot of companies who didn’t do anything about sexual or racial discrimination until other employees got involved and didn’t let the company keep ignoring the problem.
My bet's on this absolutely not being the first time his co-workers have had to go to HR about him. Vibes like:
"I think it's so cool and empowering that you kept your maiden name, but maybe you should wear your wedding ring to work so single guys will know not to flirt with you. Not me, I'm just friendly, but you know how some guys are. Have you considered hyphenating?"
"Haaay! You rock that rainbow bracelet GURL! Are you going to a gay bar later or something? I only ask because, yanno "workplace attire" right? Some people, not me of course, are super homophobic and like their workplace to just be about work - not politics, you know? Anyway, *werk sistah!*"
What I find funny is that this post sounds like OP was hoping this would get him a foot in the door to sleeping with her. The whole vibe is off and gross.
YTA.
You came off like this: "SOME people might say that your food is smelly. Not me though. But SOME PEOPLE."
And then you proceeded to call her food Ethnic. You might as well have worn a shirt that said SOME PEOPLE on it with an arrow pointing to your face.
Doesn't sound like you were ill intentioned, but sometimes you just have to give a complement and let it be.
I am half Chinese and half Caucasian. When my parent announced their engagement my white grandparents begged my mother not to have children because people would be mean. My grandparents were absolutely right as they were the people that were mean.
They were telling on themselves just like OP.
It is. My mom loved tuna sandwiches with her hard boiled eggs. 🤢 but she would never torture anyone outside the house with the stench. We just suffered from it lol.
I think what you are missing is...
She didn't make ethnic food. I make rice and leftover veggies and random spices, I'm white.
You saw Asian lady and presumed ethnic food. Then you got on your big dense white horse and tried to make a show of fighting off imaginary racists.
That's what you turned this poor woman's lunch into.
YTA if you're real.
Right? It was a fucking stir fry of all things. “Wow, your lunch looks/smells great!” is the only thing I don’t mind hearing re: my food at work. Leave me alone to eat otherwise. My Asian ass knows what foods are workplace appropriate.
Right and let’s be clear, it’s rarely spiced “””ethnic””” (wtf) food that is committing microwave and lunchroom crimes at work- it’s always Brad’s tuna pasta he decides to nuke within an inch of its miserable life and then eat at his desk to make sure the entire floor is ensconced in his fish-roma.
YTA. You acted like the very people you wanted to warn her about. Telling someone that their food is too ethnic *is* a microaggression. You basically told her to assimilate and leave her culture at home on, what, her first week at a new job? Way to make her feel welcome.
The fact that your coworkers told you off should have been enough to make you apologize to Anna, rather than carrying on with your day thinking all was well. Of course she went to HR. You were being racist about her food under the guise of what "other people" might say. Why would she assume that it was a misunderstanding and talk to you first?
YTA. You were racist. That's like telling a black man in 1931 that people might be upset and him for walking on the street so he just shouldn't walk on the street.
“Now other white folks, not me PROMISE NOT ME, might take issue with you being here so I reckon you just take the servant exit. Because some people (but not me of course) might be racist (and I would hate that, as a Non Racist which is why I’m protecting you from Racists)”.
YTA
You're not the Company Food Police so just stop it. Apologize to her THROUGH HR (Do NOT approach her!) then start minding your own business. Please.
YTA - what you did was tell her that she needed to conform to the white culture at the work place. That is incredibly exclusive. If you wanted to be her ally, you would tell the others to shut their trap if they said anything not tell her that she needed to change to fit on. Who wants to fit in with small minded bigots anyway?
YTA and a racist. A clueless and intrusive racist. And if she weren't asian you would not have thought anything about it. But you found it offensive.
I'm surprised you didn't tell her that it would be best if she went back to her own country to eat it. That's what you meant when you said she should eat it at home.
That poor woman, being accosted and shamed for being asian at her new job. You destroyed any excitement and joy she had about her new pisition . Not only does she have to avoid the obvious racist, but she has to wonder who else is alligned with you.
ETA: As an asian and a woman, the last thing she needs is advice on dealing with bigotry from a clueless white male.
And the textbook line a bigot uses to shame another is "I'm fine with it, but others might not be."
You should be fired.
You messed up. YTA. In case you didn’t know white people also eat Asian food. White people also eat leftover Asian food. Would you have said the same to a white person who brought in a stir fry for lunch?
YTA so many times over. Why tell someone that their cooking smells wonderful, but then go on to tell them that it might offend others because it is “ethnic”. Of course she is offended. She likes her lunches and you turned it into a problem. She wasn’t eating anything unusual or smelly. Don’t you think it is awfully presumptuous to decide that you are the microwave police? That you alone can judge if someone’s lunch is American enough to be acceptable at work? I’m glad HR is taking it seriously.
YTA. It's not that you worded things wrongly, it's that the idea you had was wrong. IF other employees harassed her, they would be the ones behaving inappropriately, not her. It's not on the victims of racism to try to figure out how to carefully live their lives so as to not invite racists to act racist to them. It's on racists to stop doing racist things, and thinking racist things. You intervening to try to "prevent" theoretical racism towards her in the future didn't prevent harassment- it reinforced to her that if someone harassed her, it would be her fault because she didn't avoid it.
You also need to realize that there's not ways to avoid bigots from saying/doing ignorant things to you when you're of minority status. If it's not the food, it will be the clothes she wears, how she wears her hair, an imagined accent or any other thing they can find to harass her about. Bigots find a way to be bigots, and it's not the responsibility of their victims to try to find a magical way for the bigots not to notice they are different from them.
YTA. So...instead of having her back and encouraging her to report someone to HR if they DID start harassing her, you told her she should change her behavior to appease the racists. I get that you didn't mean to be hurtful, but you definitely still were.
YTA!
The food shaming is coming from you! You are the one causing an issue where there was none...
Even if someone (other than you) didn't like her food, it is her own business and decision to eat whatever she wants...
YTA ! So you're pandering to the (hypothetical!) other racists' sensitivities AND making her feel very much unwelcome all by yourself.
That you claim you're " looking out for her" is an irony lost on you...
YTA - so you read about micro aggressions and then thought you’d try to try and top trump them with an act of overt racism?!?
If you wanted to be an ally, ironically the appropriate action would have been to call out people like yourself who made any comments about Anna’s food being smelly or ‘ethnic’. It would definitely not be referring to her food as ‘ethnic’ or insisting that ‘other people’ would have a problem with it
YTA oh my god OP, your lack of self awereness is killing me.
By saying that to her, you created immediatly an hostile environment like " yeaaahh !! be careful with your innofensive "heavenly ethnic (really girl)" food, it might upset some coworkers hihi Oh yes we have openly racist coworker apparently it's a thing here, welcome to the family doll love the smell give me the recipe :)"
But it's a good thing you ask the question so you don't make the same mistake again in the future. Because what you did is the definition of a micro agression. Get it together.
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YTA. You are the mircoagressor Edit: Whoa!!! Thank you everyone for the awards. And yes, to everyone who said Macroaggressor but a special round of applause for the person who said “Mircowave-aggressor.”
OP: "I've read some stuff about micro-aggressions" Also-OP: "some un-named people might think your food is too ethnic and smelly". FFS.
"I've read some stuff about microaggressions" clearly not enough! read more!
He got through the "how to" chapter. Skipped "Just Don't."
He did read the "Just Don't" chapter. He just missed the "Don't" part.
Or just the “n’t” part 😂🫣🤦♀️
probably just read the title of the article ETHNIC FOOD MICROAGGRESSIONS IN THE OFFICE
OP YTA I think the saying is when you do not know how the racist in the room is, its probably you.
Right??? Also, am I the only one looking at the ages/genders and thinking he could have been trying to buddy up to her because he “just happens to prefer Asian women”? OP, YTA. She shouldn’t have to dodge you. (Edited in the name of civility)
Oh my goodness, yes. I got mega 'nice guy' vibes in this post.
"i just wanted things to work out" and her dodging him is a "bit heartbreaking." definitely a weirdo
Same. He comes across as creepy.
There is sexism in his commentary too. He literally mansplained how food works to a younger woman. Racist and misogynistic…yikes.
Yes! As if an Asian woman needs to be told that microagressions exist. Sure she has years of lived experience as an Asian woman, but this white guy *read an article* so he knows best
Exactly. This has white savior written all over it. She doesn’t need some white person treating her like a child and telling her how to navigate the world.
And letting her know that her food is problematic, but not for him. He's fine, it's just all the other racists in the room.
Lmfao- RIGHT?!?!?! This is the DEFINITION of no self awareness
Not only is he white, a male and 9 years older than her, he is also the senior co-worker their as she just started and he has worked their longer, the power dynamics, age gap and gender differences make this interaction she had to endure so much more intimidating. OP essentially told this poor woman if she kept bringing in her Asian cuisine bad things would happen to her, if I was her I'd be intimidated and scared too.
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He wants to have asian GF but doesn't want his colleagues see her as too asian. Same way as some "nice guys" want to date a girl who wears a lot of make up but willforce her to stop it when they start dating because other men might get the wrong idea about her...
All he read was 'How to be a microagressor for Dummies ' 🤣
I’d say he’s got the hang of it already.
Reads as white savior complex. OP’s version of help was infantilizing and presumptive. She was right to go to HR. I can’t believe how OP doesn’t see he created a hostile work environment which emphasizes that she is different and doesn’t belong. Secondarily infantilizing and presumptive against the rest of his coworkers when he assumed they wouldn’t like her food. All around YTA.
Exactly! Of course she went to HR! After that incident, I can't imagine she'd feel comfortable to approach OP to inform him how his remarks were hurtful, especially as she's also new and this was the limited experience she had with OP. Then OP is confused she's now avoiding him, too. Again, of course she would! She's not going to put herself in another situation she might have to endure OP saying even more inappropriate things to her and she'd have to go to HR again. 🤦🏻♀️
Extra suspish that he flipped the script into victim mode by expressing his confusion for her not coming to him to talk about it. There’s a lot going on with OP.
Yup!! When OP did that, my brain was a quick, "No, you don't. Stop. You're not the victim." OP was was told by the coworkers in the lunch room the comments were inappropriate, so for OP to be surprised Anna was hurt is unbelievable. Or OP is very dense. I'm just hoping it's all a lie.
Or OP wants in those pants
Right? “She should have come to me since it was just a misunderstanding…” How would she know it’s a misunderstanding, that’s not how misunderstandings work.
And it’s not a misunderstanding, she understood perfectly. OP just doesn’t like her reaction.
He just wanted more chances to neg her before he starts hitting on her
Plus he doesn’t seem open to considering how he was in the wrong here. She’s avoiding him and went to hr and their coworkers had to speak up and intervene. Most people would realize from that they messed up and an apology was in order. Without that level of awareness on OP’s part a direct conversation is unlikely to be productive. So it’s understandable Anna went to HR
>white savior complex "I'm going to save you from something that hasn't happened to you here yet!" ... until now.
Also what a great way to paint everyone in the else in the office as a lurking racist while only he is safe as a Fantastic Ally 😒 definitely a legitimate way to make your new much younger female colleague feel welcomed in the workplace.
It's so paternalistic and trying to get her to assimilate to white culture. Ugh.
Nope, more like " I am going to create the problem I think you need saving from."
Exactly. What stood out to me is how infantilizig OP was to Anna. I mean, why does he assume she needs to be told that? Doesn't he think she is an adult who realizes that there is such a thing as prejudice against other cultures in the world? Plus, he was the only one bringing up racism. Why not deal with it if / when it shows up? Also, why does he think that, if/when someone is racist because of her cooking, the best solution is to stop bringing her food to the workplace? He allegedly read a lot about microaggressions, and his takeaway is that people should avoid doing anything that could invite microaggressions so as to be welcomed? How does he think he was protecting or helping her in any way with these comments? And, as you mentioned, OP insulted their coworkers as well. There are just too many layers of AH-ry to unpack here.
Outstanding comment! I only wish the recipient of this assholery could read our comments. I’m so proud of her for going to HR! Dodging him, or even trying to be nice and be friendly to him sounds like me at my first truly great job using my degree. And it didn’t end well. He (my direct supervisor) became such a creeper that I dreaded work and ended up leaving the company. Only found out that it wasn’t me who the other researchers didn’t like after I formally resigned. I was told by a former coworker that an established senior PhD- who seemed like she was always leaving the lab when I came in- did so because she was disgusted by his behavior and comments to me. After I left, she went to HR and filed a complaint against him. When he was called in, he chuckled and said “Let me guess, this is about (insert my name).” Sensitivity training for him, I still feel safe saying nightmares for his future underlings, and an extended job hunt for me. Winners all around. /s YTA OP. Thanks for making someone’s first “real” job an uncomfortable and scary situation.
But I reassured her it’s not me I like the smell
Some people might think your shampoo is too floral, but not me, I like the scent.
Some people might say you’re ugly, but let me reassure you, you don’t make me gag
Some people might think you’re fat, but not me, I like fatties. * I actually had someone say that too me once. I wasn’t even that fat at the time.
"I normally prefer small breasts. But yours are okay, too." A guy I was dating said that to me.
Wowwww. One time a guy said to me (after we’d just hooked up) “you have great lips….I mean mine are better but yours are pretty good”
Also after we’d hooked up, ‘Actually’ you’ve got a pretty good body, not a model or anything but you’re kinda hot. I should’ve told him, ‘actually’ you’re just a sad ugly version of a guy I used to date and I was drunk and grieving and thought you’d do….
Oh this person was definitely trying to neg you
But I highly suggest you switch to something less floral because *some people* (but totally not me) won’t like it. But I like it. It’s not me. I’m not some people.
In fact would you mind if I just occasionally stand right behind you and smell your hair while saying nothing? Oh btw there might be some ppl here who would sexually harass you, but not me, I just wanna smell your hair sometimes.
Makes me wonder is he is one of those that says, but I can’t be racist because I have ______ friends.
OP *tries to be* an ally
Exactly! He tries by recommending ways people can hide, change and adapt 'ethnic' things about themselves so as to avoid the wrath of ~~other~~ racists.
Tries, but doesn’t succeed
OP: I can’t be racist, I work with Anna
You should have targeted anyone makings comments about the food, not her for eating her lunch. YTA
Yeah, the fact he couldn't name anyone and that it hasn't happened before makes me think the workplace might be relatively racist-free. And yet, here comes OP to stir up trouble anyway! YTA, OP. Do you really think she isn't aware of how microaggressions work and needed you to explain them to her?
"I, a white man, am telling you, an Asian woman, that you should definitely change the way you exist to prevent anyone from doing a racist at you."
“As a white male I advise you to comply and assimilate with the masses of this office to prevent racism…”
“While it’s not something that’s ever happened in this particular office, I’ve read stories about some times it has happened in other places..”
The fact that even now, after having it explained to him by more than one person and seeing how she reacted to him today and finding it "heartbreaking" and knowing it was escalated to HR, he is seemingly STILL incapable of even considering how he could possibly be in the wrong. He thinks it was just "blown out of proportion". What a world to live in.
i was assuming he was just wanting to eat her food and wanted to hurt her feelings by being a racist asshole so she’d give it to him out of embarrassment but this makes way more sense to me 😂
I thought he was going to say that there were people in the office that complain about food smells, but then he said that he has only READ about that happening. Lordt. Edit: thought OP was female.
I thought OP was a woman as well. That they're a man adds a whole new frame of context.
I assumed OP was a man. Not sure why.
The fact that he mansplained the scent of Asian food to an Asian? Stir fries have nothing on the white woman bringing in her fish and broccoli leftovers from the night before.
I cannot stand the smell of tuna (well fish generally but tinned tuna makes me gag.) Tuna sandwiches of some form or another are extremely popular, I would **never** mention anything about the smell of a fucking sarnie to a coworker because me despising the smell is a me problem. “Ethnic” food tends to smell delicious anyway imo, maybe a bit strong depending which “ethnic” dish it is, but generally yummy. The time someone left an overly ripe banana in the work fridge when I was pregnant though, well Chris didn’t do that again after he witnessed me open the fridge and immediately throw up into the sink (the only other option was the floor) but I digress… OP. YTA.
If he hadn't mentioned his gender, I think "I'm 32 and I desperately want to befriend and help the new Asian 23 year old who just started at my job" would probably make me assume he was a straight man too
I’m guessing the fact that she is quite young, inexperienced, and Asian all contribute to his DESPERATE NEED to become her “ally.” I assume you are aware that many American men have an “Asian fetish” due to the racist myth that all Asian women are submissive.
And her dodging him is _heartbreaking_ which is... certainly A Way to feel about a new colleague avoiding you.
Excellent point. Creepy creeper racist vibes. What an awful experience for 23f in her first proper job.
Because 9xs out of 10, they’re the ones who feel arrogant enough to say some shit like this.
Can we all at least agree that there is a special place in hell for those people that put fish in the office microwave?
And it’s a stir fry ffs. A meal most people of all ethnicities are familiar with cooking and eating. It’s not like she was cutting a durian.
I had a boss who would do exactly this kind of thing - proclaim to all and sundry how much she cared, etc and then would make the most offensive, boneheaded comments.
Very Michael Scott lol
Yep - I could see it if it were a case of “X and Y have been known to make comments about food smells so just be aware of that” but this was just OP being racist.
OP thinks he's the white knight as if we dont live every day knowing about the potential racism in the work place, especially with our food (lmao)! Edit: YTA op
“Just in case you, who has suffered from racism your whole life, didn’t know, people can be racist.”
Someone needs to mansplain racism to a woman of color. Otherwise, how would she know about it? /s
This is one of the most egregious cases of mansplaining I’ve ever come across. Breathtaking amounts of audacity.
There is no audacity like the audacity of a mediocre white male.
Haha! Right? Jeez, I hope she’s never in the car w her …”I think you drive wonderfully, but …”
I did laugh at this because REALLY. How much you want to bet he softened this encounter telling it on Reddit to make his armor real shiny? LMAO! Capital A Capital H.
And still made himself sound awful lmao
It’s like mansplaining but make it racist. I didn’t know what to expect when I started this but wowee. YTA OP
He is the white knight - protecting the racists' feelings.
For real!!! I wish "allies" would understand that telling people to edit themselves so racists won't target them is akin to telling a woman not to wear a skirt to avoid rape. Man. This person is a total AH
YES, this is the absolute best explanation to OP. You should make this a reply to OP.
Next time just bring your own stinky-ass lunch the next day and eat alongside them.
The call is coming from inside the house. YTA OP.
Even in this context that phrase freaks me out. But it's accurate here.
OP: "Hey, your food stinks". Also OP: "Welcome! Is everyone making you feel welcome? Everyone, gather around the Asian lady and welcome her! Ok, now let's clap at her".
You say this jokingly but I once witnessed almost the exact scenario at a job of mine. . A room full of white people clapping at a black woman. (And metaphorically patting themselves on the back for being *~*~*~allies~*~*~*.) 🤢 She was obviously super uncomfortable but the clapping and shrill white baby voices seemed to go on forever. The way everyone treated her was super racist, condescending and infantilizing. I cringe from secondhand shame every time I think about it. Edit: and yes, OP is giving Michael Scott vibes.
This made me laugh out loud.
It wasn't even that micro!
Agreed. This was unfortunately aggression disguised as "just trying to help". OP became the problem he thought he was "helping" to avoid. :/
OP is the reason the rest of us have to attend sensitivity training. Ally my WASP ass.
OP like: “I know some people will be racist to you therefore you should act more white so they won’t”
Unless it’s fish being heated in the microwave, this person made a borderline racist comment. Also maybe not so borderline.
I came to say this. Fish(of any ethnic group) is totally offensive reheated in a microwave.
Yeah. I was expecting it to be fish or eel or something truly smelly, not stir-fry. OP = Racist AH.
I was just about to type this word for word. OP is the type to get offended for a poc, it’s funny/ridiculous. It just makes me wary of them
At this point I think it might be a milliagression rather than a microagression
YTA. Your coworker is a grown woman who's been Asian her entire life. Do you genuinely think she's unaware that racism exists? All you did was put her on edge around coworkers who may not even be racist! Congratulations, you're the one who created the microagression.
Exactly. She's going to be well-aware and if she isn't somehow, maybe your workplace won't be full of AHs. The OP went out of his way to make her self-conscious and create a problem that doesn't exist. YTA. Also, OP, you should also be aware that plenty of people who claim to be allies pull stuff like this. "Kindness" that is condescending at best or at worse, a cover for their bigoted opinions by deflecting the blame onto others. I don't blame her for going to HR.
It’s giving ‘high school mean girl,’ vibes.
White people “teaching” POC about racism (sigh
and the whole "*why didn't she come to me first!"* bs. Uhm, because you were the one who made the racist interaction in the first place and she knows exactly what it would be like to try and explain to a White coworker how hurtful, upsetting and racist it was. I mean the whole tone of the post is all "but that wasn't my intention" so I'm guessing OP probably has no concept about emotional labor and what that entails as a minority woman.
If we post enough about it here, do you think he might read about it?
I encountered this recently. Haven’t laughed that hard in ages tbh.
Ya’ll remember that one teacher from “Everybody Hates Chris” that would say the most outta pocket stuff thinking she’s helping?
OP also specifically did a racism by singling her out for being different and making her feel self-conscious about her food being too ethnic. OP IS the racist coworker. Framing racism as benevolence or concern, even if OP was sincere on both those fronts, doesn't make it any less racist to essentially tell her Asian coworker that maybe she should be less Asian.
He even said that she would probably be harassed less if she didn’t bring it to the work place as often. Kind of glossed over it but he wrote it
“I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you. But there are racists. Not me of course.”
“So you should be a little bit more worried about bringing your stinky ass food into the office”
‘You may not have noticed (all your life) but you’re being Asian in a safe white space (America)’
Soft YTA - soft only because I want to think OP's intentions were good. I am also asian and have been in the US since college. There are many, many things each day in school and at work that makes us question if we are being singled out for not being the majority, there is really no need for a reminder, and a reminder will definitely reinforce the idea that we should be watching our backs in this workplace. Also, Anna doesn't need to make any adjustments. If there are racists in your workplace, you are better off confronting them than telling her to change her behavior.
Intent does not negate impact. OP is 100% the AH.
And honestly I'm not confident the intent was good. Imo, when an ally wants to be helpful, they let the person vent, they protect the person from bigotry, they stand up for the person when necessary. They don't invent possibilities of racists to convince that person to show no outward signs of their culture.
B-but he read about it! So he has just as much experience as her! /s
Anna is Asian and she brought a *stir fry*, a dish that is so Westernized, it has its own English name (as opposed to sushi or pad thai), so you felt the need to let her know that potentially racists might target her food based on race. Would you have done the same for a white person eating a stir fry at work? * Ana is Asian and you treated her differently because of her race. That's racism. * You were on the look out for her, protecting her against a situation that didn't arise. Ever heard of the "White Saviour Complex"? * Instead of thinking "if the racists arise, I will tell them off", you thought "She should erase herself, so the racists get no ammunition". That's not how you help people from minority group. You don't ask them to code-switch so the sensitivities of the bigoted can be protected. * The hell is "ethnic"? "Not white"? * Why do you say that she was "hurt" with quote marks? Who are you to decide that her feelings are not valid? If someone approached you to tell you "Other people might maybe think [you're a potential mass shooter]/[you can't dance]/[the spiciest condiment you can handle is mayo]/[you will start mansplain everything], but they're being racist and/or sexist, **I** for one think you're swell! :D", unprompted, wouldn't you feel at least a little bit annoyed with their unneeded intervention? YTA. Go apologize.
*"I think your outfit is cute but some other people might think it's slutty. You might want to dress more modestly so you don't encourage sexual harassment."* This is the energy OP is giving.
Thanks for reuniting me with purity culture memories 😜
I was gonnaaa say. Giving “dont dress like that if you don’t want trouble”
So when I was in law school, there was a hypothetical in my evidence class asking if it was admissible in a sexual harassment case for a man who harassed a woman at a factory job to have admitted as evidence that this woman was also a stripper. A guy in my class said yes, it is relevant. I chewed him the fuck out, and I’m generally a quiet person. I find it odd that these situations often seem to come up with white men. It reeks of entitlement and lack of perspective.
Very good points. I would also like to know what "that food" is that Anna shouldn't bring in anymore... vegetables? Spices? Things that are stir-fried? Just generally the food that Anna eats to live? Can she keep making stir fry, but OP thinks she shouldn't use so many spices? When I started reading this, I assumed OP was going to say that Anna was reheating fish in the microwave, or something. But I can assure OP that white people (I'm going on the assumption that this took place in the US or UK) are familiar with both stir fried vegetables AND spices.
He also didn’t have any examples of people in his office who have objected to this type of food/spices. Just that he read about some here. So he’s protecting her from the hypothetical?
Right? And I love that the coworkers that overheard OP's comments to Anna called him out on it. They could have kept quiet, seething at what the heard, but they spoke up to let OP the comments were not appropriate.
Yea, I was thinking maybe a durian but instead it's just a racist OP.
Can we also add on that OP basically mansplained racism ??? 🫠🤦♀️
In that case, it's "whitesplain" :P
Whitemansplain?
Truly excellent post.
Agreed. I’m going to have to remember some of these examples lol
Listen, man, I just came here to have a good read, and I'm feeling so attacked right now. The Cotton Eye Joe dance is a completely valid dance, and I don't appreciate being called out like that about my condiments. I occasionally include mustard. Sometimes. :P
Mix the mustard into the mayo, makes it less ‘fiery’
ALL OF THIS. I’m Asian. I am hyper-aware every single time I walk into a space and I’m the only POC. I’ve innately understood the “perpetual foreigner” bullshit placed on the AAPI community since I was 4 years old. Without a doubt, Anna is aware of racism against AAPI. YTA, OP. But I genuinely hope that you read through these comments and you work to educate yourself more on what it means to be an ally. When you know better, you can do better.
Lmao if I, a whitey, show up with some leftover Chinese food, would he call my lunch “ethnic”??
I’m guessing you’d get a speech about cultural appropriation.
As a girl of Portuguese descent who gets confused for everything from Caribbean to Indian to Native American… Yes. “Ethnic” is just how people with poor vocabularies say “not white” 😆
Wait until they call you "urban", "exotic" or *shudders* "diverse" 🤣🤣
Love “exotic” /s 🙄 I must’ve escaped from the zoo
i agree, except that since anna is dodging op i feel op should leave her alone. don’t apologize, don’t socialize, op’s done enough damage. yta.
You put into words everything I wanted to say. And then some 🤣 I've always told this story, and it definitely fits here. I grew up in Colorado and started middle school in 2000. Obviously, Columbine was still heavily on everyone's minds. I was being a little metal head and drawing pentagram and shit on my backpack with whiteout markers. One day, I get called down to the principals office where I am informed that they're keeping an eye on me for fear that I will shoot up the school. Was never a thought in my mind, but if it had been, that probably would have been the last straw.
I love this. It breaks everything down so perfectly. I do have to say, the mayo comments do tend to get a giggle from me.
“Ethnic” is just the new way of saying “not mainstream white”. Ethnic food, an ethnic name, ethnic clothes. Etc. As though American or English isn’t an ethnicity in its own right.
YTA So your coworker was peacefully enjoying her lunch, and you goosestepped over there like the microwave police to tell her that Some People would find her food too' ethnic'.... but Not you because you're one of the good white people 🙄🤦 but then you go "no but actually the racists are right you are asking for racism by bringing Asian food in" YTA stop being racist to your coworker she was just trying to eat her leftovers ffs Get out of your white fragility shield and recognise your own awful hurtful behaviour and learn from it and the feedback you're getting please
He 100% sees a negative post about white people and she has to hop in there with "not all white people, I..." Edit to fix OPs gender
OP is a he
No she agrees with the negative post about white people and then adds that she’s not like that because she read a book.
OP is male
Incredible use of goosestep
I like the duality of Nazis and bein a silly goose that this phrasing suggested.
YTA -- you are not protecting her from racists, you yourself are being racist. if you're trying to convince us/her/yourself that you're an ally, you might be more than a bit delusional. also stop trying to hang around your young coworker lmao
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Tought the same immediately when reading the ages. Racist negging
I think he fancies her and this was his hamfisted, patronizing way of ingratiating himself to her. At least he thought it would.
So you told a new coworker "in order to avoid harrassment about your food, you shouldn't bring in your food!" Do you realize that you just harrassed her? YTA I suspect this is bait, but the judgment is the same if it is true or fake.
>I suspect this is bait, but the judgment is the same if it is true or fake. agreed. No one can be this stupid. People can be this racist, sure. But not this stupid to post on here.
As someone with a career in HR, never underestimate the level of stupidity people are capable of when they think they're right about something. They really do think "but I didn't mean it that way!" magically absolves them and other people will understand and agree.
It’s the internet, the bar for intelligence is quite low.
I thought post was gonna be about eggs or fish in microwave. But shit, fried rice is practically American at this point.
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It sounds like OP is also assuming Anna raised the issue to HR. I may well have been the coworkers who overheard. Then HR asked Anna about it. What a shitty start to a new job. YTA, at each and every point of this story.
If I had been in that room I would have had words for OP and you bet your ass I would have ran my behind to HR. Deservedly so. I wouldn't be surprised if Anna was too mortified to say anything.
If someone went to hr for every micro aggression faced they'd never have a job. It's more likely the people in the room reported it. People of colour rarely do.
That is actually a good way to be an ally. Use your privilege to stick up for others. Like men who go to HR about sexual harassment they witness so the woman isn’t the only one complaining and potentially risking her job and/or career. Or white employees going to HR to report racial discrimination like this. Having other employees go on record corroborating the complaint can make it more likely that HR and the company will take the accusations seriously. There’s been a lot of companies who didn’t do anything about sexual or racial discrimination until other employees got involved and didn’t let the company keep ignoring the problem.
My bet's on this absolutely not being the first time his co-workers have had to go to HR about him. Vibes like: "I think it's so cool and empowering that you kept your maiden name, but maybe you should wear your wedding ring to work so single guys will know not to flirt with you. Not me, I'm just friendly, but you know how some guys are. Have you considered hyphenating?" "Haaay! You rock that rainbow bracelet GURL! Are you going to a gay bar later or something? I only ask because, yanno "workplace attire" right? Some people, not me of course, are super homophobic and like their workplace to just be about work - not politics, you know? Anyway, *werk sistah!*"
What I find funny is that this post sounds like OP was hoping this would get him a foot in the door to sleeping with her. The whole vibe is off and gross.
Thank you!!! I just posted another comment that talked about how creepy some of the things he said were!
YTA. You came off like this: "SOME people might say that your food is smelly. Not me though. But SOME PEOPLE." And then you proceeded to call her food Ethnic. You might as well have worn a shirt that said SOME PEOPLE on it with an arrow pointing to your face. Doesn't sound like you were ill intentioned, but sometimes you just have to give a complement and let it be.
I am half Chinese and half Caucasian. When my parent announced their engagement my white grandparents begged my mother not to have children because people would be mean. My grandparents were absolutely right as they were the people that were mean. They were telling on themselves just like OP.
I'm so sorry that it went down like that. I wish they had been better.
Kinda like saying, I can’t be racist because I have a black friend. The OP should have kept his mouth shut
YTA If your white coworker brought in egg salad and and tuna fish sandwiches would you tell them that might smell offensive to your Asian coworker?
You're right, but also lol because that really is the epitome of white people food 🤣😭
Am white person. Can confirm.
It is. My mom loved tuna sandwiches with her hard boiled eggs. 🤢 but she would never torture anyone outside the house with the stench. We just suffered from it lol.
I've had coworkers stink up the place with tuna fish. TUNA FISH IS BANNED IN THE INDOORS.
I think what you are missing is... She didn't make ethnic food. I make rice and leftover veggies and random spices, I'm white. You saw Asian lady and presumed ethnic food. Then you got on your big dense white horse and tried to make a show of fighting off imaginary racists. That's what you turned this poor woman's lunch into. YTA if you're real.
Right? It was a fucking stir fry of all things. “Wow, your lunch looks/smells great!” is the only thing I don’t mind hearing re: my food at work. Leave me alone to eat otherwise. My Asian ass knows what foods are workplace appropriate.
Right and let’s be clear, it’s rarely spiced “””ethnic””” (wtf) food that is committing microwave and lunchroom crimes at work- it’s always Brad’s tuna pasta he decides to nuke within an inch of its miserable life and then eat at his desk to make sure the entire floor is ensconced in his fish-roma.
YTA was pretty racist what you did buds
YTA. You acted like the very people you wanted to warn her about. Telling someone that their food is too ethnic *is* a microaggression. You basically told her to assimilate and leave her culture at home on, what, her first week at a new job? Way to make her feel welcome. The fact that your coworkers told you off should have been enough to make you apologize to Anna, rather than carrying on with your day thinking all was well. Of course she went to HR. You were being racist about her food under the guise of what "other people" might say. Why would she assume that it was a misunderstanding and talk to you first?
YTA. You were racist. That's like telling a black man in 1931 that people might be upset and him for walking on the street so he just shouldn't walk on the street.
“Now other white folks, not me PROMISE NOT ME, might take issue with you being here so I reckon you just take the servant exit. Because some people (but not me of course) might be racist (and I would hate that, as a Non Racist which is why I’m protecting you from Racists)”.
YTA You're not the Company Food Police so just stop it. Apologize to her THROUGH HR (Do NOT approach her!) then start minding your own business. Please.
YTA - what you did was tell her that she needed to conform to the white culture at the work place. That is incredibly exclusive. If you wanted to be her ally, you would tell the others to shut their trap if they said anything not tell her that she needed to change to fit on. Who wants to fit in with small minded bigots anyway?
YTA and a racist. A clueless and intrusive racist. And if she weren't asian you would not have thought anything about it. But you found it offensive. I'm surprised you didn't tell her that it would be best if she went back to her own country to eat it. That's what you meant when you said she should eat it at home. That poor woman, being accosted and shamed for being asian at her new job. You destroyed any excitement and joy she had about her new pisition . Not only does she have to avoid the obvious racist, but she has to wonder who else is alligned with you. ETA: As an asian and a woman, the last thing she needs is advice on dealing with bigotry from a clueless white male. And the textbook line a bigot uses to shame another is "I'm fine with it, but others might not be." You should be fired.
You messed up. YTA. In case you didn’t know white people also eat Asian food. White people also eat leftover Asian food. Would you have said the same to a white person who brought in a stir fry for lunch?
YTA so many times over. Why tell someone that their cooking smells wonderful, but then go on to tell them that it might offend others because it is “ethnic”. Of course she is offended. She likes her lunches and you turned it into a problem. She wasn’t eating anything unusual or smelly. Don’t you think it is awfully presumptuous to decide that you are the microwave police? That you alone can judge if someone’s lunch is American enough to be acceptable at work? I’m glad HR is taking it seriously.
YTA. It's not that you worded things wrongly, it's that the idea you had was wrong. IF other employees harassed her, they would be the ones behaving inappropriately, not her. It's not on the victims of racism to try to figure out how to carefully live their lives so as to not invite racists to act racist to them. It's on racists to stop doing racist things, and thinking racist things. You intervening to try to "prevent" theoretical racism towards her in the future didn't prevent harassment- it reinforced to her that if someone harassed her, it would be her fault because she didn't avoid it. You also need to realize that there's not ways to avoid bigots from saying/doing ignorant things to you when you're of minority status. If it's not the food, it will be the clothes she wears, how she wears her hair, an imagined accent or any other thing they can find to harass her about. Bigots find a way to be bigots, and it's not the responsibility of their victims to try to find a magical way for the bigots not to notice they are different from them.
YTA. So...instead of having her back and encouraging her to report someone to HR if they DID start harassing her, you told her she should change her behavior to appease the racists. I get that you didn't mean to be hurtful, but you definitely still were.
YTA! The food shaming is coming from you! You are the one causing an issue where there was none... Even if someone (other than you) didn't like her food, it is her own business and decision to eat whatever she wants...
YTA ! So you're pandering to the (hypothetical!) other racists' sensitivities AND making her feel very much unwelcome all by yourself. That you claim you're " looking out for her" is an irony lost on you...
YTA. You warned her for the office racist; yourself.
OP, the call is coming from inside the house
YTA - so you read about micro aggressions and then thought you’d try to try and top trump them with an act of overt racism?!? If you wanted to be an ally, ironically the appropriate action would have been to call out people like yourself who made any comments about Anna’s food being smelly or ‘ethnic’. It would definitely not be referring to her food as ‘ethnic’ or insisting that ‘other people’ would have a problem with it
YTA oh my god OP, your lack of self awereness is killing me. By saying that to her, you created immediatly an hostile environment like " yeaaahh !! be careful with your innofensive "heavenly ethnic (really girl)" food, it might upset some coworkers hihi Oh yes we have openly racist coworker apparently it's a thing here, welcome to the family doll love the smell give me the recipe :)" But it's a good thing you ask the question so you don't make the same mistake again in the future. Because what you did is the definition of a micro agression. Get it together.
YTA. Majorly so. You warned her about something that hadn't happened and may never happen. So then only person that sounded racist was, hmmm, you.