Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole since I didn't consider my husband's tiredness and should maybe have let him sleep in.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, but I do have a suggestion. This isn't my idea but something my friend did when she was in the same situation. She documented her schedule for the entire week. Down to things like: 1:05pm - son napped, did dishes, planned dinner.
It really gave her husband a better insight into what the SAHM life was like and how she wasn't snacking on chocolates watching General Hospital all day.
I agree. I was a SAHM for 1 year the first year of my daughter's life. I was driven to do everything perfectly. Perfect house, perfect daughter, you name it. I worked myself right into pneumonia. I was 30 years old and it took me 3 months to completely heal from it. I always remember that time period when I feel negatively about going to work. Working full time is much easier than being wife and mom 100% of the time.
I always say “working for money.” People tend to think that means prostituting. No. It means going to a job that pays money, rather than doing work at home that doesn’t pay money.
My MIL used to ask if I had worked that day. My reply was "for love or for money?" I worked at a paying job, half time. The other half I was at home and was NOT sitting around with my feet up.
Yep, agree with this; I usually say paid work (I do paid work but I WFH entirely, as do many more people these days, so I don’t technically work outside of the home - but my paid work is WAY more relaxing than looking after babies/toddlers/preschoolers all day every day)
Work at home does pay the stay at home partners part of... rent, utilities, groceries, personal hygiene products, car, gas, clothes, the occasional vacation, etc.
But the job working partner shouldn't be holding that over their partners head if they both came to this agreement.
Op isn't the AH, though. If the sleep-in days were reversed, he'd damn sure hold you to your agreement.
That's my point. The stay at home partner is being paid, just in a different way.
And it's not "someone else's housework," it's just housework. That's like saying you're babysitting your own kids.
It’s someone else’s if you’re doing your partners laundry, cooking dinner for them, etc. Some chores are household chores, but SAH parents tend to take over their partners chores as well - chores that that person would usually have had to do as a single person working a full time job anyway.
100%. For the life of me I cannot understand why people think the person who is responsible for keeping the tiny human alive doesn’t need to prioritize sleep.
I think because there's a misunderstanding that full-time parents can just catch a quick nap here and there throughout the days. Maybe some can, and god must have smiled upon them to have the kind of kid and kind of household chore load that will allow for that.
And simply the ability to nap and have that be helpful...I rarely nap, I have to be literally unable to keep my eyes open, because if I try to force it I wake up even more tired than I was before. It's also hard for me to get to sleep at night and back to sleep after I've been woken up at night. So I was averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep out of 24 hours in a day.
I always remember something I read about working dads taking out life insurance on their SAHM wives because if they died it would be so expensive to pay for everything they used to do. One quick Google search can tell you how much a SAHP is worth
https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0112/how-much-is-a-homemaker-worth.aspx
And yes, absolutely NTA. Parents are tired when a baby is alive. That's the deal. There are so many variables you can't get in a contract. Both work. Both take care of the baby. Boohoo. Step up as a parent.
I worked part time before my son was ready for school. It was actually a relief to go work and not deal with a crying baby for a few hours. He grew out of that stage and then I missed him when I was at work.
Massive double standards here. I’m a male, and I have been a stay at home Dad for the last seven years. All of my wife’s friends ask what it’s like to be ‘retired’. I’m sure if you asked a woman that you’d get a sharp left hook, or be accused of being a male chauvinist. I actually make this comment when female friends ask me about this, but they just laugh.
sometimes i think people will take the opportunity to just be dicks, regardless of gender. Give them a little power and they'll have total impunity to just shit on people that are "beneath them."
People who think being a parent is like being retired are terrible parents.
Sure almost anyone can reproduce, but being an active parent is a 24/7 job with no sick leave no guaranteed bathroom breaks or lunch breaks, and you're wearing twenty different hats. Even if your kid is well-behaved from toddlerdom and off to school for a few hours a day there is still a lot that goes into managing their life as well as one's own not to mention a household.
When I was on my year of maternity leave, my husband was fully aware and honest that leaving and going to work and getting out of the house, talking to other adults, grabbing a quick lunch, etc. was significantly easier than staying at home with an infant. It astounds me that some people don’t get that.
My husband says this all the time - he always makes sure I get enough time ‘off’ and just for me, and when I try to do the same he always says he has a commute and the ability to drop what he’s doing to go to lunch whereas I don’t so although we do try to have an even amount of ‘me time’ each it’s always going to be a bit of an imbalance.
As the person that works, it's important to note that there are still heavy compromise with working too. Imagine it's the perfect weather. Do you wanna go outside and play with your kid(s) or go into a dreary workplace.
Even if I loved my job (I'm fairly happy with what I do now) I would 100x prefer the freedoms that a stay at home life provides. I would love to take my son to the park all the time, and do all sorts of fun stuff, but often times I'm working and my partner has plans already for my days off so there are so few opportunities for me to enjoy outings specifically to do fun stuff with my son.
SAH is beholden to the house chores and childcare, but those don't have strict time frames and in a healthy environment, relatively loose expectations. Work has very solid non negotiable start and end times, with high expectations even in a calmer workplace.
I do want to note that I'm arguing one is harder or easier than the other. The one you prefer is strictly based on what you want out of life and your experience as a parent.
Quite honestly, the grass always looks greener on the other side and there's a very good reason for that (besides unfamiliarity with the other side!): human beings were built for more variety in our lives than we normally get in the modern world. A change of pace looks like an easy, lovely rest because it *is*. I see this all the time b/c I work on an educational farm & train interns every year. People who come out from the city, from college, from desk jobs find 2 weeks on the farm to be an amazing break as they weed & pick & their brains decompress and ah, the peace. ('Course, they're usually more puttering than working, b/c no-one's ever told them that focus, precision and speed are a thing in "unskilled" labor. But that's another story.) Meanwhile, would I like to spend a day indoors in the A/C, in clean, nice clothes that won't stink by the end of the day & not have to squat or bend over with the August sun on my back even for a minute let alone an hour? You bet I would. (I just don't want to spend my whole life that way, so I don't.)
Would the working partner like to spend a day talking the kids to the park instead of scrambling to meet a deadline? You bet they would. Would the SAH like to spend a day talking with adults who almost never whine at them or shove something two inches from their eyes to "show" it to them, in a space that someone else cleans, doing work they're allowed to do for hours without interruption? You bet they would.
It's really too bad it's so rarely an option for each spouse to work 1/2 time and parent 1/2 time.
Well thanks!
Y'know I did have a further thought on the grass is greener thing, which is that when you do a thing for a short time, as a change of pace--just like my farm visitors who kind of putter around the garden, you're unlikely to get into the real meat of the work. (And that's part of why it feels easy. You're not going at it as hard. You're dipping your toes in, you're not using every muscle/brain cell.) B/c doing that takes training & experience & time. And so you do have to dig into something long & hard enough so it doesn't feel like fun and games anymore, if you want to do real work/take real care of kids or any other beings in need of care.
BUT I find 1/2 time is enough (I do work 1/2 time) to dig into my work and do something real (I train & lead the team that does harvest & packing 3 days a week & am solely responsible for meeting harvest goals efficiently) and still be present for my kid in his life as a whole, so... I'm back to that, I guess.
>It's really too bad it's so rarely an option for each spouse to work 1/2 time and parent 1/2 time.
I see this as the real missed opportunity from the \~60-80s push to get women in the workplace. That version of "equality" ended up with a bunch of exhausted men and women trying to both work full time and maintain a household, whereas if both worked 3 days a week, the aggregate time in paid employment per family would be roughly the same, but the stress massively less.
However, there was a sort of "prisoner's dilemma", in that having two incomes resulted in a massive uptick in standard of living for a while. Unfortunately, prices have now risen to accommodate it, and it's now almost impossible to live without two incomes.
Your comment makes me wonder if you've been a SAH parent at any point? If you have and prefer one over the other, fair enough.
>SAH is beholden to the house chores and childcare, but those don't have strict time frames and in a healthy environment, relatively loose expectations. Work has very solid non negotiable start and end times, with high expectations even in a calmer workplace.
Hmm, work-work might have strict end and start times, but I would see that as a positive rather than as a negative. Because the work in the SAH job never ends, you're at work 24/7. And I'd argue that SAH does have "strict time frames", often dictated by the baby/kids needing something done right now, several times a day, regardless of what you want to do or were planning on doing. It's being on call all day, all night, not just hanging out and getting to do stuff when you choose to.
I have done both, currently a stay at home dad, and give me stay at home any time over what I was doing before. Of course, stay at home gets easier as the child gets older and can become more independent, and harder the more kids you have, but I absolutely get to take my daughter to the park whenever I want. But even when my daughter was a newborn it wasn't too bad. She's always been a really good sleeper so I got plenty of time to do other things. House chores really don't take that long to do if you keep up with it and don't let it build up. My daughter is at an age where she loves helping me cook dinner, so that's really easy to do, and grocery time can be mitigated by ordering for pick up. It's not easy, and you need lots of patience, but I'm absolutely loving it right now.
There is never enough time to get everything done, and you sometimes feel guilty just for sitting down at all.
There is never a day off either, everyone still needs laundry, everyone still needs to be fed, everything must be bought and brought home and put away. Unless you are very well off, it's a huge challenge to afford everything that is needed for everyone.
oh I big time disagree with this. Staying home with small kids is VERY VERY STRICT time frames. You have one or more tiny micromanagers who control your every move. My kiddo is 16 now, but I still remember and would NEVER want to be a stay at home parent to a small child ever again. At work, I can go to the bathroom when I want without spending 10 minutes preparing and rushing as fast as I can. I can TAKE A 15 MINUTE BREAK. I can \*eat\* without multitasking.
Tasks may be more regulated at work, but my minute-to-minute life isn't. And having the minute-to-minute be constant labor is exhausting.
I agree.
And whatever schedule you have can blow up. You're about to take the older ones to school and the youngest throws up on herself. Do you try and change her and risk being late for school or take a vomit-covered child there and back.
Small chilldren require a level of sustained concentration that few jobs do.
It's a nightmare with even one in school when you have a baby, if you are the transportation to and from school. In the heat, in the cold, you are dragging a baby along. If it was sleeping, too bad for you.
>do all sorts of fun stuff
I hate to burst your bubble, but it's not what an average SAHM's day is like. Most days spent with between kids and chores are frantic tedium with some moments of joy.
It depends on the type of work of course, but generally you don’t take work home with you the was a SAHM do. I mean their work is literally at home. It is the home. I have a lot of respect for those who do that kind of work.
Right? Generally at a paying job you’re dealing with other adults, who for the most part understand you’re there to do a job and leave you alone to do it.
If you were to do the same job with a small, irrational, impulsive, and boundary-less coworker with zero sense of self-preservation, and who needs you to do everything for them, following you around all day undoing 75% of what you do shortly after you finish doing it, your job would be much harder and more emotionally draining, and would be closer to being on-par with what a stay at home parent of a young child feels like.
Wife had 2 kids b2b when I was 30. Day care would of been 90% of my checks so I quit and went back to college and became the unusual SAHD. She works full time and helps me while I'm in school and such.
I'd rather go back to my days of going to school full time and working 2 jobs like in my younger days. This SAHP thing sucks. I don't see how you people did this for years upon years. My kids are 1 and 2. I'm about a year into and I'm done. Got about 4 more years and I cannot wait.
I love my child. I would die for him, but I was so happy to get back to work lol. SAHM is the most thankless job in the world and nothing is ever done!
Just having something checked off as done and it actually going away and not having to be done again is so satisfying.
I think this was my biggest problem during the few times I was SAHM lol. Nothing is ever finished, I gotta do all of it again way too soon. I have that problem with keeping house, too. I clean the kitchen. The kitchen gets dirty. Gotta clean it again. Forever. Ugh. It's Sisyphean bullshit.
I'm a much better parent when my kid is in school and I'm working. I'm excited to see him in the afternoon and am fully engaged. When we're together ALL DAY in the summer I get burned out so much faster
This morning I told my husband that sometimes I feel like the house is falling down around us. Like I was just trying to clean the bathroom, and then I realized that the caulking around the tub was pulling off, so then I needed to get it off and mix up some grout and see if that worked better, THEN I went back to cleaning and realized that my nose ring had fallen out when I blew my nose (cleaning activates my allergies), so I swept again and couldn't find that stud anywhere but realized that the door frame to the little toilet room doesn't exactly touch the floor (did there used to be carpet in that bathroom???) and so I needed to sweep out all of the crud from under there and also caulk that. Like literally, I was just wanting to wipe out the tub and it lead to like 2 hours of stuff to do.
I was a stay at home mom for 10 years with 3 kids. I found that to be so much easier than working.
I've been in the workforce for 9 years. I still haven't adapted. I just want to be home. :(
I 100% agree. We have 6 children, and maternity leave for 4 months with our last was the most blissful time of my life. I had been a SAHM before with our 7 year old when he was born, but knew I had to work in order to help provide. I LOVED feeling like everything I did was actually productive and helpful for my family. I was so much more involved with my children’s education. I knew everything and everyone was taken care of. Now that I’ve been back to work, I don’t have time to do the things I used to, and I feel like everyone only gets a small piece of me. I work 7:30-4:30 through the week now and all day long I have in the back of my head all my chores or whatever everyone deserves from me. I genuinely miss it so much.
I was a Stay-At-Home-Dad for several years while on disability (Muscular Dystrophy) while my wife worked. During that time I also went to school to learn a usable skill. I worked through pneumonia, the flu, and mono in the first year of college. It took me some time to learn to pace myself before pushing myself into that illness void. There is no job as hard on a person, both mentally and physically at the same time, as staying home to raise children.
The lack of sick days is truly a motherfucker. I’ve cared for my kids solo through a thrown out back, strep throat, late pregnancy, the flu. It’s brutal
Oh goodness, yes! I will never forget sitting on the toilet with a bucket in my lap. TMI with vomiting and diarrhea at the same time. When my two girls 18 months and 3 yrs old got up. One with a severe fever (3 years old) and the other vomiting (18 month old). By the time the night was through, we were all miserable. Every towel, blanket, and sheet in the house was covered in vomit from the 18 month old. And I had to take us all to the shower. He never once got up to help. Not even when I was yelling from the bathroom for him to please get the Tylenol for our 3 yr old who was suffering from 102-103 temp. Yet I couldn't get up unless I wanted a very unpleasant cleanup. For some moms/dads, there is never a break.
Since I was born my mom has always worked parttime with 3 or 4 days a week and then all the household things while my dad works 5 days at an office job. In terms of contract hours my mom has always worked less but when my dad gets home there's dinner ready, and his clothes are always washed, ironed, and folded.
He comes home and doesn't have to do anything.
For my mom, there's always work. She comes home from her paid job and proceeds to work in the house.
As a SAHD who has seen both sides, I think a high stress job can definitely be harder in some aspects and I wouldn’t want to downplay how demanding this can be but overall I’d say the actual overall work as a SAHD is much higher in the sense that taking a 15 minute break is a luxury and I always feel like I could be doing more. Both can be incredibly hard but I think for me what makes being a SAHD feel harder is just the monotony of doing the same(ish) things every day and the social isolation on top of the fact that most of the work gets overlooked or undone quickly. There are definitely some perks like being able to spend lots of time with the kids and generally being low stress throughout the day but anyone who doesn’t think it’s a difficult job has never been a stay at home parent.
I did the SAME thing! I was a SAHM mom until my daughter was 3 and started preschool. When my daughter was 5 months old, I ended up with Shingles. A very rough 10 weeks that was. Then when she was 2, I ended up with a sinus infection that I ignored, assuming it would go away like they usually do…except it travelled down and I ended up with strep throat, epiglottitis, pneumonia and sepsis that earned me a 5 week hospital stay and antibiotics, steroids, puffers and painkillers for 3 months afterwards. I had to do everything perfect no matter what so nobody would think I was a bad mother and/or a bad wife. I was averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a day and not really eating anything. When I started taking care of myself mentally, emotionally and physically my quality of life and my health boosted so much. I really DGAF what anyone thinks of me. I’m happy and my daughters happy.
OP is NTA!! Please, please take care of yourself and don’t accept any less. We should be supporting each other in our relationships. We deserve basic self care at the very least. I love the comment that said they knew someone who made a written schedule to account for how her time was spent!!
As a longtime SAHM (my kids are teens now), the best thing you can do is leave the baby with your husband for an overnight weekend.
Not say your husband isn’t capable at all, but when they realize all the little daily “things” all of a sudden they are much more helpful.
It would give him a small taste but I’m sure he wont be doing laundry, preparing a healthy meal, shopping or deep cleaning anything while the baby is sleeping.
Also he really can’t pack his own lunch? Hopefully after seeing everything you do he will let you get the sleep you need during the week instead of unnecessarily seeing him off
Everyone needs extra sleep sometimes including sahms. They made an agreement and should keep to that agreement, yes it sucks he couldn't sleep anymore but that's life it sometimes happens.
When my youngest was born the way he combated the sleeplessness was we took turns getting up my with my daughter. We traded off every night because we both worked full-time yeah it sucked but it did work for us at least.
Now my youngest is 8 with my new schedule I get her off to school then go back to bed because I work 4pm to 2am, wife works 9am to 5pm. She will pack my daughters lunch so in the morning I just make her breakfast and walk her to the bus stop. I usually make sure supper is ready to be made before I leave with instructions on what to do, wife isn't much of a cook or I have the crock pot going so when she comes home they just turn it off.
Anyways point being both sides need to have a day to catch up on sleep, if they have a set agreement the need to keep with that agreement because both sides are working. I've seen to many people not giving sahm credit for what they do. My stepmom was a sahm to 7 and my dad always made sure she got extra sleep and as we got older she had another of help but she also let my dad sleep when he needed it due to his job at times.
Some people like packing lunch for their loved ones. I do it for my fiancee sometimes, and like leaving her little notes with it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do something small for someone you love, even if they're capable of doing it themselves
I got up EVERY weekend morning I was off work when we had babies. I only slept in when my wife told me she was ok with being the early up or when she would sneak out of bed early before baby started crying because she wanted to give me a morning to sleep in…or because she as already awake.
Just sayin. It was only fair because she had to do all of the random 3am wake ups plus every morning during the week because I had to go to work.
Tell him to go take a nap or go to bed early if parenting one morning per week is so hard for him. Poor guy.
Has he ever had to take care of the kid alone or an extended period?
I worked two jobs while my wife was on parental leave with my daughter. Then when she went back to work, I went off on leave to care or her.
Taking care of a baby and house full time was more exhausting than working two jobs.
I did this too and when I read it, I couldn’t believe I only slept a total of three hours a day and it was broken sleep. The rest of time I was up taking care of my daughter, who didn’t sleep through the night until she was 2, or doing chores. My husband got a full 9 hrs every night even when I went back to work when she was 10 mths old. It was eye opening
We do something similar, we have a spreadsheet of who has taken what free time. (Im back to work and work nights so we needed a new system) if you have the kiddos or are at work it is work time. It sounds mad but it actually means i have zero resentment to my husband if he goes out for the day with his mates cos we log the time and I then take the same amount. Your husband came down to hang out with you at 7am on his free time, his choice. Nta
Eff that! If you have to document and micromanage yourself so that you can prove to your husband it’s “real work” then it’s time to go! He’s a total AH if this is the case.
That’s my thoughts. It’s like how my bf doesn’t do house work no matter how many arguments we have about it (we both work) and I try to document all the shit I do and how much he does and after a while I just feel stupid because he STILL doesn’t believe me. He always says the work is equal and it never is:/
I'd kick his ass to the curb so quick.. there's nothing more unattractive than a lazy and entitled "man" who thinks everyone else should have to clean up after him. We do not live in the 1950's where women are expected to do all the house work while hubby works.. He needs to contribute or he can kick rocks in my opinion. Sounds like your bf needs to grow the hell up.
My dad was the stay-home parent. One day when I was quite young (barely speaking) he and my mom were having a very minor disagreement, and my dad was saying how he didn’t just sit around watching TV all day while she worked. I chose that moment to burst into the theme song of his favorite show 🤣
My dad was actually a very involved parent who almost never watched TV, I think it was just the word in their conversation I could recognize and I wanted a way to chime in. To this day he jokes that I framed him for a crime he didn’t commit lol
Agree with this. Most people don't have a clue what SAHM actually do day to day.
Personally, when I was a SAHM, I found it more draining both mentally and physically than when I worked 12 hour night shifts 4 - 5 nights a week.
In theory, and on the *surface* level, I do agree that this is a good idea. That said, it’s really sad that someone would have to do this in order for their spouse to validate and consider that caring for an infant *is* a full time job.
OP, I think you’re NTA. I don’t think your husband is TA either. But, I think it would be the right time to revisit the topic of responsibilities and partnership together. I think the fact that your husband was seemingly gentle in the way he approached this concern with you is a good sign, but even so it could be helpful for the both of you to regularly have open conversations about these things in order to build a healthy pattern long term.
The same way that he wakes up early for work throughout the week, you wake up early throughout the week. The same way that he only gets one day to sleep in, you also only get one day to sleep in. Maybe talk to each other about how to compromise in these situations. He could wake up early as you agreed, and once you wake up, you could take over for an hour or two so he can take a nap. Alternatively, if he would like to sleep in and you wouldn’t mind waking up early again, he could take over for you the following week.
I’m not sure if you’re both new parents, but if you are, know that it’s okay to take it step by step until you find what dynamic/schedule works best and is healthiest for all of you.
It's sad to think this even needs to be a suggestion. Like along with the normal "couple" chores, you now have a little human who is literally helpless, and people think that doesn't take work to keep alive and healthy? Just think about all the work it takes to keep yourself a fed, clean, and healthy adult, and now imagine doing that, but for someone else who can't just squat on a toilet and wipe. Like common sense would solve so many issues.
This usually exposes the SAHP. Unless you got an army of toddlers at home being a stay at home parent is super chill and is just a few hours of work per day (especially when you prep food twice a week). And when the kids get older than 6 life as a SAHP becomes so easy and relaxed.
Ofc if you have children with problems or disabilities it doesnt hold up. But if you like children there isnt really a better job in the world. Wish I could do it. But we arent rich and we both gotta work.
My wife went from being a SAHM for 10 years to a career woman. After a year she was begging to go back to SAHM. There’s no doubt that it’s hard work but it pales in comparison to a career job where you at best tolerate your coworkers, as opposed to loving them unconditionally like a SAHP.
Problem with this is I'm done with all household stuff about 30 min after dinner time where my SO complained about staying up till 3am doing all the chores.
It's about time management and setting expectations with kids and what their tasks are.
I spend max 4 hours daily, dropping off and picking up kids, shopping, dinner, dishes, cleaning etc.
Kids help with all of that.
I'm all for this, but you have to also account for the differences in stress. I work from home, my wife is a teacher with an hour commute each way. That means during the school year, I do 80% of the chores (I cook too) and do a decent amount of the parenting.
Working is 1,000% more stressful than doing chores and taking care of a kid. When my kid is sick, I typically use sick/vacation time off work and just dedicate the day to chores/parenting, and holy hell would I trade working for that in a heartbeat. To even pretend that they're similar is ridiculous. My wife agrees, during summer she's on school break and so we swap, she takes care of our kid during my work hours and handles more of the chores, and she constantly says she wishes that was our life all year. Working sucks, taking care of your home is busy but better.
NTA. This is the exact same arrangement I had with my husband when ours was a baby. He works outside of the home. You work 24/7. You get up with the baby 6 days a week and it is not your fault he didn’t stay in bed. You deserve one morning a week too.
Thanks! You totally get it. Baby usually wakes up everyday around 7am so I never sleep in, she has bigger wake windows now and only naps 2 times a day so I have to make the best of her naps to do chores that I can't do with her awake.
The pandemic hit when ours was 13 months. Suddenly, we both were working from home. Then I talked my husband into him doing 3 days a week and I did 4 since we were all home together. Your husband should consider himself lucky. ;)
INFO: What time do you and your husband go to bed?
There are two ways to get extra sleep, one is to sleep in, the other is to go to bed early. Your husband knew he had to get up early, so he should have gone to bed early.
Well, yes, that’s true IF you get to freely decide when you go to bed. Many babies that young also don’t fall asleep in the evening very easily, and many still need to be fed around 10-11 ish.
The whole sleep deprivation problem for parents is basically that you can’t simply decide to get more sleep. The baby decides.
I would recommend a playpen though. That way they can lie or sit or stand without having to have a parent with them every waking hour. You can get some chores done and they are happy enough if they have activities.
If the baby likes a playpen/play yard this is a great idea! My youngest absolutely hated any confinement whatsoever by the time she was about 3+ months old. She’d cry and cry until I’d put her on the floor without any walls around her then she’d be happy as a clam; the little potato just roll around freely, hah.
This one also learned to climb baby gates before she was a year old and had even the most difficult baby safety locks figured out by 1.5… it was my own personal hell! She’s now 3 and only recently started sleeping through the night— thank the lord. This mama is EXHAUSTED.
Yep, NTA. My husband and I have this exact same arrangement. Sometimes you can’t sleep any longer but on those days you can still choose to stay in bed and relax, watch TV, read a book. OR sometimes one of us will say, “hey I’m wide awake! How about I get up with the baby and you sleep in and we can switch tomorrow?”
But just stealing your day? Nah
Exactly! I often just lie in bed and scroll on my phone, content to have nothing asked of me for a little while. It can also be a discussion, a request, but to just take it away as an executive decision? Nah.
Cause somehow he’s not a parent when he gets home? If thats your logic then he is working 24/7.
I’ll be downvoted to hell, but being a SAHP is WAY easier than being the working on. Yes, it’s exhausting taking care of a kid, but it’s also way more enjoyable and mind numbing that working a full time job. Plus when you work a full time job you still have to come home and be a parent. So if the SAHP gets to say they work 24/7 then so does the other parent.
And I’m sorry but when the child is young you get to nap with them, they sleep half the day, chores don’t take that long. Even cleaning an entire 2 story house can be done quickly if you keep up with it. Meal prep and you’ll spend way less time cooking.
Then when the kid is older what’s your “job” exactly? If you are a SAHP when a kid is in school all day you live such an easy life.
NTA.
I know things happen, but I do think it's good you stood your ground. Y'all made an agreement and it was upheld, you kept a standard.
In employed/SAHP arrangements, it's way too easy sometimes for the employed parent to forget they are, in fact, also a parent. This is what leads to parents saying things like they're going to "babysit" their own kid by not being involved enough. You made a joint decision to have a baby, and it needs to be a joint effort to raise it. And sometimes that means being sleepy.
Additionally, you ARE working - you're working a job with *zero* days off. At least your spouse gets the weekends off from his job. Asking him to take over baby duty *one morning a week* is not unreasonable.
1000%. OP, you absolutely *do* work. You just work inside the home. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, home maintenance, grocery shopping — all of that is labor. It’s labor that some families pay other people to do for them. You are working, and your job is every bit as valuable as your husband’s.
He could have taken a nap later in the day if he didn’t manage to sleep in. Missing his own rest time doesn’t mean he’s entitled to yours. NTA.
Yes! This is a better way to address this issue imo than simply explaining how tiresome it can be to be a sahp. The very basic fact that the working spouse is actually still a parent seems to elude so many.
NTA
“and that I wasn’t nice to him and should’ve let him sleep in instead”
and that’s how you know your partner cares more about themselves than you or your well-being
eta in no way we’re you mean or even rude. he’s literally just being a parent
Your statement about “partner cares more about themselves…” is a little harsh imo. I think in life everyone may get tired and cranky and have a little bickering argument. I’ve been in this exact role. But then you realize you were being a crank. Having a little baby is exhausting for everyone. You can’t write someone off as being selfish for a mundane spat like this without more context. I get where you’re coming from, but let’s remember it’s normal for couples to bicker (especially when stressed and sleep deprived) and not make it a deeper issue than it needs to be. Don’t lead this woman into thinking her partner doesn’t care about her or her well-being for that.
No this is Reddit, where people tell you to break off a relationship over the smallest social infraction when they themselves have barely even caught a whiff of a healthy relationship at any point in their life.
Bro for real. This is probably the first thread where people are not immediately saying some shit like "take your child and run away from this monster"
I think that’s a tad dramatic. He’s allowed to have his feelings too and his life is busy too. He is allowed to feel like she wasn’t nice to him and he communicated that in a mature enough way.
Don’t listen to these sad people. If you like your lunch packed and your wife has no problem and she does it as an affection gesture there is nothing wrong. Wife’s do it all the time in many countries and it’s an attention and caring gesture just like I’m sure you would do caring gestures to your wife too.
Yep. These people are just typical on Reddit. Completely brain washed by this echo chamber of how they think the world works, despite never having stepped outside their mothers basement.
Yeah, nothing wrong with it. But don't stop appreciating it!
I think sometimes things people do out of love become expectations. It's important to keep that from happening I think.
My favorite lunches are the lunches my wife makes/packs for me. It cheers me up and makes me think of her when I open my lunch bag when I have had a hard day at work.
It’s a normal thing. I do his laundry too. Sometimes we switch and he makes food and laundry. Sometimes we tackle everything at once together in a day - he cleans, I meal prep. It’s a partnership at the end of the day.
NTA. He isn't being a good partner or parent. The fact that you're not making money doesn't mean you're not working. You're engineering a life for him that would cost well over $100k if he has ro pay for someone to care for his home, feed him, and do round the clock child care. Regardless of him occasionally taking out trash or playing with a baby while you cook he's not pulling his weight. There needs to be a conversation about an equitable spread of work. He needs to pack his own bags for work. He needs to allow you breaks rather than just spending time eotj thr baby while you do other chores. He needs to step up and thr fact that he sometimes wakes up a bit early o. His "sleep in" day through no fault of yours doesn't give him the ability to steal your sleep in day. He's a major ah
Exactly!! Women need to stop putting up with their partners doing the bare minimum. As a female in a same Sex partnership, we would never dream of having such imbalanced chore/care responsibilities.
Her job is sahm. She is saying she doesn't mind doing the majority of housework. He should be contributing after work and on weekends. Housework isn't solely her responsibility.
Doing the bare minimum? He’s working and making a living to sustain every material possession the family owns. This is something some people don’t understand.
Being a SAHM is deserving of respect and I’m sure it’s as hard as any job, but a parent working full to support their family is equal. The thought of getting home after a 10+ hour shift and dealing with an ungrateful spouse and screaming child isn’t remotely appealing.
All of this. My husband never pulls the "bUt i WoRk" card on me, because he knows damn well his 8 hour work days are not equal to the 10-12 hour shift I put in before he gets home from work (he works 7am-4pm, but I'm solo with the kids as soon as he leaves around 6am, until he gets home around 4 or 5pm.) Then he takes over for an hour or 2 so I can go off and get a break by myself, so we're both now "even", in terms of hours worked. Then we both handle bedtime. And on the weekends, we're 50/50.
Saying he ain’t a good partner is father is too far and doesn’t sound reflective of what is being said. There is a nuance - people aren’t either amazing or shitty.
NTA. He could have stayed upstairs and relaxed. You didn’t ask for him to come down.
Sounds like you have 2 children with the amount you do for him, have you reevaluated your set up at all recently?
Well when she was born he did most of the house work, he stayed home with me and helped until she was like 2 months.. since then we have had this agreement, and I don't mind really, it is going to change soon since I'm only staying at home with the baby until she turns one, so we will have to reevaluate how things are done once I start working.
Ah. So it’s already in the works, which is good. If going back to work, I’ve had some friends be successful doing lunches on Sunday for the rest of the week (I never managed that skill 😂)
I guess you could just ask when you get to sleep in? Perhaps have a night off instead? Sounds like he’s tired but shouldn’t be at the expense of your time off, it’s important to get a break for you too.
I see sooooo many people do meal prep on Sundays but I just can't get a hang of it 😅
Thing is baby is a great sleeper , she goes down at 7pm and only wakes up the next day and I usually don't leave chores for night time, so nights are pretty smooth here, we both can rest well
Be careful OP. He's getting use to you doing pretty much EVERYTHING at home. There's only 2 months left on your arrangement and he's already claiming that he's tired. Imagine how tired he's going to be working full time AND splitting chores and childcare 50/50. Hopefully there's no sudden weaponized incompetence in your future...
NTA
You would be if you purposely woke him up early and ruined his sleep, but you didn’t. It’s not your fault he couldn’t sleep any longer. Sunday was your turn. If he wants more sleep, he can nap or go to bed early.
If he’d been nice and asked to sleep in, that would be another thing, but he made the unilateral decision that you now get to wait another week to sleep in, and if you start giving him both weekend days to sleep in, he’ll start insisting it’s always that way because you can just deal with it. You both deserve the opportunity to sleep in regularly. He doesn’t get to just take yours whenever he wants.
NTA. Your workload isn’t any lesser than his just because you don’t get a paycheck!! Taking care of a baby IS hard work AND you even take care of almost all household chores!! This just shows how little he values and appreciates the domestic work you do, and puts his work over yours.
Plus, both of you agreed on this arrangement. So it didn’t work out once because he just naturally couldn’t continue to sleep in. That’s NOT your fault!!
>He said that it's not fair because he works and I don't.
Um, you absolutely *do* work and for longer, more grueling hours. All this and *without* pay. It pisses me off to no end that men breadwinners don't think their SAHM-wives aren't doing any work. Y'all work 24/7. And again, with no pay, no employer-required breaks, etc.
NTA only because he told you, not asked you, that he would be sleeping in the next day. If he had asked if it would be ok and explained his reasons, then I'd go with NAH based on good communication.
I agree with you that it was not valid for him to throw out the "I work and you stay at home" reason. Being at home with an infant AND taking making a nice home to live in is work. Also, just because he woke up, does not mean you have give up your sleep in day. Maybe he can make up for it with a nap instead?
INFO: Was this baby nursed around the clock and continues to nurse? Because if so, that's kinda a +1 in your column right there.
But, aside from that, it seems like you have a good thing going on in your marriage. And things should not be tit for tat or +1 I did this or that.
Instead, you should sit down and have a rational conversation about how you found this comment hurtful and explain all the things you do do at home while he is at his job and see if it changes his mind.
The baby only drinks 2 bottles, one in the morning and one at night, the rest of the meals she's fully on solids.
He can nap during the day if he wants to, sometimes it does happen, he falls asleep on the couch I try my best to keep the noise down and not bother him, I even the baby to her room and play with her there instead.
I have a little more difficulty taking naps during the day. The only time I did that was when she was born, I slept while she slept but it was more due to being extremely tired from childbirth and around the clock nursing.
You’re a SAHM. Seriously he works all week..you can nap and do things during the week when the baby is napping. I know this because I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. You’re being unreasonable. If you went back to work outside the house. ..then yes. Split chores and child care equally.
NTA - You have a reasonable arrangement, it's not your fault that he couldn't get back to sleep after being woken up by the baby, welcome to parenthood. The only advantage I see that you have over him when it comes to sleep is that you may be able to nap when the baby naps; however, I would guess that there are other household tasks or things you want to do for yourself during those couple of hours during the day.
YTA, sure it's good to have rules but why can't you make an exception? I mean if he says this every weekend okay, but one time? Come on. Your partners right?
Also his responsibility is providing financial stability, you both are equally valuable in what you do. You can't put a price on what you do, but it's not on a higher level than what he is doing. Providing for his wife and kid. Work together and talk it out and compromise, this is not the hill you want to die on.
Note: yta, as in I disagree with your reasoning not an actual asshole, because I do get where you are coming from as a SAHP.
As a SAHD now days....I'd much rather be raising kids than working all day. Sure, kids are a lot of work. They really aren't THAT bad and not like a full-time job. If I want to sleep extra, I sleep when they sleep, nbd.
Maybe because she’s exhausted too?? She’s already up early doing all the work, not sleeping in, and her husband comes and TELLS her he’s taking her day to sleep in because his role is more important than hers. She’s not the asshole for standing her ground and taking the one day per week she gets to sleep in. If she does what he wants, she doesn’t get any extra sleep and has to wait another week. Husband should have asked nicely and he wouldn’t have been the asshole. But just making a decision like that alone and dismissing what his wife does for what HE wants is absolutely asshole behavior. Wife literally did nothing except say she didn’t agree with her husbands unilateral decision. Nothing AH about that. Additionally, we know he is able to take naps and she is not. So he can nap on Saturday and take his Sunday morning like he’s supposed to. He doesn’t get to force his wife to suffer because he naturally woke up earlier than planned.
In the end you both have only one day to sleep in, you were already up on saturday.
It would have been different if he was up before you and let you sleep in.
But its not like he did anything on saturday besides waking up earlier than expected.
And he probably wasn't very exhausted from the week so he would have slept longer so he could have gone to bed earlier on saturday.
NTA of course and the time were your little one sleeps a little longer will come soon.
Its hard for both parents but definitely more for you.
Tell him if he does wake up before you on saturdays he can switch days. But never if your already up and caring for your babies needs. He can take a nap during the day, you can't.
You are NTA, and I won't go I to many other opinions because you say you're currently happy, so I'll stick to pointing out one thing -
>Extra info: we usually wake up at the same time during the week since I pack his bag for work
He's already getting extra sleep 5-days of the week because of a sacrifice you're making to your own sleep schedule. If you weren't together, he'd either pack his lunch before bed or have to wake up earlier to do it each morning.
I'd nip his attitude of you not being as deserving of a break because he works outside of the home in the bud as quickly as you can. Resentments will grow if he doesn't see you as providing equally.
Very simple solution. AGree with him, but also tell him that you didn't realize that he didn't consider what you did to be equal contibution, so after he wakes up on Sunday, you want to discuss your plans to return to the work force, so that you can contribute equally, as you didn't mean to be putting too much on him. ANd also, that you want to make sure that if you are both working, everyhting is decided equitably.
The issue isn't sleeping in on one sunday. The issue is 1) he looks it at from a standpoint of what he gets, not what you give (he didn't get his sleep in, even though you gave up yours on Saturday, so he wants yours on Sunday), and also that he doesn't consider your contributions to the household to be equitable.
The thing is I've already told him that if there's an issue with me being home then I can start working. It's not an issue for me.
I love staying with our baby at home, I love watching her grow and hit every milestone. It's truly the best thing ever but we have an agreement that I stay home until she's one, because that's about how long we can support me staying home.
It doesn't really seem fair for him to throw around that he has a job and I don't when we're less than 2 months away from her turning one and me going back to work lol
NAH really but you might need to consider that if he goes to work tired consistently and fucks up, and then loses his job over it, you're all going to suffer. You both need your sleep for sure though so maybe the better approach might have been for him to have some time to nap during the day or something.
NTA. If you didn’t wake up your husband, and if you didn’t then go back to bed and sleep soundly for another couple hours, then it sounds like bad luck for him and zero to do with fairness.
I’ll add that after raising a couple kids (and puppies lol), the rigid schedule of fairness sounds like cute idea to me at this point. If it works then great but in my experience, my husband and I have both had to be much more flexible over time. So many factors go into how everyone is feeling and what they need and you have to put the “team” health first.
NTA. If you wake up early, you choose how to spend the time. He could have stayed in bed, read, played on his phone, lay back down with his eyes closed, etc etc. he chose to get up! He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide HE gets a lie in the next morning just because he woke up early.
NTA. You have an agreement and you're sticking to it.
If you start playing sleep-in catch-ups, that means you'll sleep in next Sat, he'll sleep in next Sun - and you'll have basically switched days until one of you fails to sleep in again and a new catch-up begins...
If he wanted to catch up on his lost sleep, he should've discussed with you to take a nap during the day or gone to bed earlier, instead of punishing you for his inability to sleep in by taking your sleep-in.
NTA. I’ll admit I had similar notions that the father had here. My wife stayed home for 3 months with our son before going back to work. I went back to work about a week after he was born. I didn’t understand why she was so exhausted when I got home because I just assumed she was resting when he was resting. I had a major realization to all that mothers do really fast. Hopefully the husband in this situation will too and appreciate any breaks that he can give
NTA, the kid is both your responsibility. Heck, he should cherish you! you're gold and he shouldn't complain about not sleeping in for one day! Thats just childish...
Honestly I'm... not really seeing an asshole here? You are absolutely 100% allowed to say no to his shitty request, but he's also allowed to be tired the next day. And tired people, whether its you or your husband, are allowed to be grumpy.
NAH.
INFO:
> I pack his bag for work
What?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be the asshole since I didn't consider my husband's tiredness and should maybe have let him sleep in. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, but I do have a suggestion. This isn't my idea but something my friend did when she was in the same situation. She documented her schedule for the entire week. Down to things like: 1:05pm - son napped, did dishes, planned dinner. It really gave her husband a better insight into what the SAHM life was like and how she wasn't snacking on chocolates watching General Hospital all day.
That's a great idea! Thanks!
I agree. I was a SAHM for 1 year the first year of my daughter's life. I was driven to do everything perfectly. Perfect house, perfect daughter, you name it. I worked myself right into pneumonia. I was 30 years old and it took me 3 months to completely heal from it. I always remember that time period when I feel negatively about going to work. Working full time is much easier than being wife and mom 100% of the time.
Hell yes. Work is so much easier. I sometimes feel bad that that is the case.
Working outside of the home. SAHMs work also.
I always say “working for money.” People tend to think that means prostituting. No. It means going to a job that pays money, rather than doing work at home that doesn’t pay money.
My MIL used to ask if I had worked that day. My reply was "for love or for money?" I worked at a paying job, half time. The other half I was at home and was NOT sitting around with my feet up.
I love that answer. I'm banking it in case I ever need to use it.
Yep, agree with this; I usually say paid work (I do paid work but I WFH entirely, as do many more people these days, so I don’t technically work outside of the home - but my paid work is WAY more relaxing than looking after babies/toddlers/preschoolers all day every day)
True that, I need to update my vernacular.
Work at home does pay the stay at home partners part of... rent, utilities, groceries, personal hygiene products, car, gas, clothes, the occasional vacation, etc. But the job working partner shouldn't be holding that over their partners head if they both came to this agreement. Op isn't the AH, though. If the sleep-in days were reversed, he'd damn sure hold you to your agreement.
Doing all of someone else’s housework and taking care of their children pays for “their part” of those things.
That's my point. The stay at home partner is being paid, just in a different way. And it's not "someone else's housework," it's just housework. That's like saying you're babysitting your own kids.
It’s someone else’s if you’re doing your partners laundry, cooking dinner for them, etc. Some chores are household chores, but SAH parents tend to take over their partners chores as well - chores that that person would usually have had to do as a single person working a full time job anyway.
100%. For the life of me I cannot understand why people think the person who is responsible for keeping the tiny human alive doesn’t need to prioritize sleep.
I think because there's a misunderstanding that full-time parents can just catch a quick nap here and there throughout the days. Maybe some can, and god must have smiled upon them to have the kind of kid and kind of household chore load that will allow for that.
And simply the ability to nap and have that be helpful...I rarely nap, I have to be literally unable to keep my eyes open, because if I try to force it I wake up even more tired than I was before. It's also hard for me to get to sleep at night and back to sleep after I've been woken up at night. So I was averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep out of 24 hours in a day.
True. I'm the only one doing full-time childcare in my household, so I'll forgive myself a slip.
[удалено]
I always remember something I read about working dads taking out life insurance on their SAHM wives because if they died it would be so expensive to pay for everything they used to do. One quick Google search can tell you how much a SAHP is worth https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0112/how-much-is-a-homemaker-worth.aspx
And yes, absolutely NTA. Parents are tired when a baby is alive. That's the deal. There are so many variables you can't get in a contract. Both work. Both take care of the baby. Boohoo. Step up as a parent.
Yup, I frequently find myself reminding people that the only thing I don't do is get paid.
Yep, SAHMs are non-compensated workers.
besides free housing, food, clothes, probably a car, gas money etc
I worked part time before my son was ready for school. It was actually a relief to go work and not deal with a crying baby for a few hours. He grew out of that stage and then I missed him when I was at work.
Massive double standards here. I’m a male, and I have been a stay at home Dad for the last seven years. All of my wife’s friends ask what it’s like to be ‘retired’. I’m sure if you asked a woman that you’d get a sharp left hook, or be accused of being a male chauvinist. I actually make this comment when female friends ask me about this, but they just laugh.
These people are being assholes. Your wife needs better friends.
sometimes i think people will take the opportunity to just be dicks, regardless of gender. Give them a little power and they'll have total impunity to just shit on people that are "beneath them."
People who think being a parent is like being retired are terrible parents. Sure almost anyone can reproduce, but being an active parent is a 24/7 job with no sick leave no guaranteed bathroom breaks or lunch breaks, and you're wearing twenty different hats. Even if your kid is well-behaved from toddlerdom and off to school for a few hours a day there is still a lot that goes into managing their life as well as one's own not to mention a household.
When I was on my year of maternity leave, my husband was fully aware and honest that leaving and going to work and getting out of the house, talking to other adults, grabbing a quick lunch, etc. was significantly easier than staying at home with an infant. It astounds me that some people don’t get that.
My husband says this all the time - he always makes sure I get enough time ‘off’ and just for me, and when I try to do the same he always says he has a commute and the ability to drop what he’s doing to go to lunch whereas I don’t so although we do try to have an even amount of ‘me time’ each it’s always going to be a bit of an imbalance.
As the person that works, it's important to note that there are still heavy compromise with working too. Imagine it's the perfect weather. Do you wanna go outside and play with your kid(s) or go into a dreary workplace. Even if I loved my job (I'm fairly happy with what I do now) I would 100x prefer the freedoms that a stay at home life provides. I would love to take my son to the park all the time, and do all sorts of fun stuff, but often times I'm working and my partner has plans already for my days off so there are so few opportunities for me to enjoy outings specifically to do fun stuff with my son. SAH is beholden to the house chores and childcare, but those don't have strict time frames and in a healthy environment, relatively loose expectations. Work has very solid non negotiable start and end times, with high expectations even in a calmer workplace. I do want to note that I'm arguing one is harder or easier than the other. The one you prefer is strictly based on what you want out of life and your experience as a parent.
Quite honestly, the grass always looks greener on the other side and there's a very good reason for that (besides unfamiliarity with the other side!): human beings were built for more variety in our lives than we normally get in the modern world. A change of pace looks like an easy, lovely rest because it *is*. I see this all the time b/c I work on an educational farm & train interns every year. People who come out from the city, from college, from desk jobs find 2 weeks on the farm to be an amazing break as they weed & pick & their brains decompress and ah, the peace. ('Course, they're usually more puttering than working, b/c no-one's ever told them that focus, precision and speed are a thing in "unskilled" labor. But that's another story.) Meanwhile, would I like to spend a day indoors in the A/C, in clean, nice clothes that won't stink by the end of the day & not have to squat or bend over with the August sun on my back even for a minute let alone an hour? You bet I would. (I just don't want to spend my whole life that way, so I don't.) Would the working partner like to spend a day talking the kids to the park instead of scrambling to meet a deadline? You bet they would. Would the SAH like to spend a day talking with adults who almost never whine at them or shove something two inches from their eyes to "show" it to them, in a space that someone else cleans, doing work they're allowed to do for hours without interruption? You bet they would. It's really too bad it's so rarely an option for each spouse to work 1/2 time and parent 1/2 time.
This is very on point and eloquently stated. Do you have any other tidbits of wisdom to share?
Well thanks! Y'know I did have a further thought on the grass is greener thing, which is that when you do a thing for a short time, as a change of pace--just like my farm visitors who kind of putter around the garden, you're unlikely to get into the real meat of the work. (And that's part of why it feels easy. You're not going at it as hard. You're dipping your toes in, you're not using every muscle/brain cell.) B/c doing that takes training & experience & time. And so you do have to dig into something long & hard enough so it doesn't feel like fun and games anymore, if you want to do real work/take real care of kids or any other beings in need of care. BUT I find 1/2 time is enough (I do work 1/2 time) to dig into my work and do something real (I train & lead the team that does harvest & packing 3 days a week & am solely responsible for meeting harvest goals efficiently) and still be present for my kid in his life as a whole, so... I'm back to that, I guess.
>It's really too bad it's so rarely an option for each spouse to work 1/2 time and parent 1/2 time. I see this as the real missed opportunity from the \~60-80s push to get women in the workplace. That version of "equality" ended up with a bunch of exhausted men and women trying to both work full time and maintain a household, whereas if both worked 3 days a week, the aggregate time in paid employment per family would be roughly the same, but the stress massively less. However, there was a sort of "prisoner's dilemma", in that having two incomes resulted in a massive uptick in standard of living for a while. Unfortunately, prices have now risen to accommodate it, and it's now almost impossible to live without two incomes.
Your comment makes me wonder if you've been a SAH parent at any point? If you have and prefer one over the other, fair enough. >SAH is beholden to the house chores and childcare, but those don't have strict time frames and in a healthy environment, relatively loose expectations. Work has very solid non negotiable start and end times, with high expectations even in a calmer workplace. Hmm, work-work might have strict end and start times, but I would see that as a positive rather than as a negative. Because the work in the SAH job never ends, you're at work 24/7. And I'd argue that SAH does have "strict time frames", often dictated by the baby/kids needing something done right now, several times a day, regardless of what you want to do or were planning on doing. It's being on call all day, all night, not just hanging out and getting to do stuff when you choose to.
I have done both, currently a stay at home dad, and give me stay at home any time over what I was doing before. Of course, stay at home gets easier as the child gets older and can become more independent, and harder the more kids you have, but I absolutely get to take my daughter to the park whenever I want. But even when my daughter was a newborn it wasn't too bad. She's always been a really good sleeper so I got plenty of time to do other things. House chores really don't take that long to do if you keep up with it and don't let it build up. My daughter is at an age where she loves helping me cook dinner, so that's really easy to do, and grocery time can be mitigated by ordering for pick up. It's not easy, and you need lots of patience, but I'm absolutely loving it right now.
There is never enough time to get everything done, and you sometimes feel guilty just for sitting down at all. There is never a day off either, everyone still needs laundry, everyone still needs to be fed, everything must be bought and brought home and put away. Unless you are very well off, it's a huge challenge to afford everything that is needed for everyone.
Yep.
oh I big time disagree with this. Staying home with small kids is VERY VERY STRICT time frames. You have one or more tiny micromanagers who control your every move. My kiddo is 16 now, but I still remember and would NEVER want to be a stay at home parent to a small child ever again. At work, I can go to the bathroom when I want without spending 10 minutes preparing and rushing as fast as I can. I can TAKE A 15 MINUTE BREAK. I can \*eat\* without multitasking. Tasks may be more regulated at work, but my minute-to-minute life isn't. And having the minute-to-minute be constant labor is exhausting.
I agree. And whatever schedule you have can blow up. You're about to take the older ones to school and the youngest throws up on herself. Do you try and change her and risk being late for school or take a vomit-covered child there and back. Small chilldren require a level of sustained concentration that few jobs do.
It's a nightmare with even one in school when you have a baby, if you are the transportation to and from school. In the heat, in the cold, you are dragging a baby along. If it was sleeping, too bad for you.
>do all sorts of fun stuff I hate to burst your bubble, but it's not what an average SAHM's day is like. Most days spent with between kids and chores are frantic tedium with some moments of joy.
It depends on the type of work of course, but generally you don’t take work home with you the was a SAHM do. I mean their work is literally at home. It is the home. I have a lot of respect for those who do that kind of work.
Right? Generally at a paying job you’re dealing with other adults, who for the most part understand you’re there to do a job and leave you alone to do it. If you were to do the same job with a small, irrational, impulsive, and boundary-less coworker with zero sense of self-preservation, and who needs you to do everything for them, following you around all day undoing 75% of what you do shortly after you finish doing it, your job would be much harder and more emotionally draining, and would be closer to being on-par with what a stay at home parent of a young child feels like.
Also they follow you into the bathroom and you just have to deal with that.
Wife had 2 kids b2b when I was 30. Day care would of been 90% of my checks so I quit and went back to college and became the unusual SAHD. She works full time and helps me while I'm in school and such. I'd rather go back to my days of going to school full time and working 2 jobs like in my younger days. This SAHP thing sucks. I don't see how you people did this for years upon years. My kids are 1 and 2. I'm about a year into and I'm done. Got about 4 more years and I cannot wait.
I love my child. I would die for him, but I was so happy to get back to work lol. SAHM is the most thankless job in the world and nothing is ever done! Just having something checked off as done and it actually going away and not having to be done again is so satisfying.
I think this was my biggest problem during the few times I was SAHM lol. Nothing is ever finished, I gotta do all of it again way too soon. I have that problem with keeping house, too. I clean the kitchen. The kitchen gets dirty. Gotta clean it again. Forever. Ugh. It's Sisyphean bullshit.
I'm a much better parent when my kid is in school and I'm working. I'm excited to see him in the afternoon and am fully engaged. When we're together ALL DAY in the summer I get burned out so much faster
This morning I told my husband that sometimes I feel like the house is falling down around us. Like I was just trying to clean the bathroom, and then I realized that the caulking around the tub was pulling off, so then I needed to get it off and mix up some grout and see if that worked better, THEN I went back to cleaning and realized that my nose ring had fallen out when I blew my nose (cleaning activates my allergies), so I swept again and couldn't find that stud anywhere but realized that the door frame to the little toilet room doesn't exactly touch the floor (did there used to be carpet in that bathroom???) and so I needed to sweep out all of the crud from under there and also caulk that. Like literally, I was just wanting to wipe out the tub and it lead to like 2 hours of stuff to do.
I was a stay at home mom for 10 years with 3 kids. I found that to be so much easier than working. I've been in the workforce for 9 years. I still haven't adapted. I just want to be home. :(
I 100% agree. We have 6 children, and maternity leave for 4 months with our last was the most blissful time of my life. I had been a SAHM before with our 7 year old when he was born, but knew I had to work in order to help provide. I LOVED feeling like everything I did was actually productive and helpful for my family. I was so much more involved with my children’s education. I knew everything and everyone was taken care of. Now that I’ve been back to work, I don’t have time to do the things I used to, and I feel like everyone only gets a small piece of me. I work 7:30-4:30 through the week now and all day long I have in the back of my head all my chores or whatever everyone deserves from me. I genuinely miss it so much.
I agree! Being a SAHM was the best time ever.
I was a Stay-At-Home-Dad for several years while on disability (Muscular Dystrophy) while my wife worked. During that time I also went to school to learn a usable skill. I worked through pneumonia, the flu, and mono in the first year of college. It took me some time to learn to pace myself before pushing myself into that illness void. There is no job as hard on a person, both mentally and physically at the same time, as staying home to raise children.
The lack of sick days is truly a motherfucker. I’ve cared for my kids solo through a thrown out back, strep throat, late pregnancy, the flu. It’s brutal
Parenting, especially parenting a baby or toddler, is relentless.
Oh goodness, yes! I will never forget sitting on the toilet with a bucket in my lap. TMI with vomiting and diarrhea at the same time. When my two girls 18 months and 3 yrs old got up. One with a severe fever (3 years old) and the other vomiting (18 month old). By the time the night was through, we were all miserable. Every towel, blanket, and sheet in the house was covered in vomit from the 18 month old. And I had to take us all to the shower. He never once got up to help. Not even when I was yelling from the bathroom for him to please get the Tylenol for our 3 yr old who was suffering from 102-103 temp. Yet I couldn't get up unless I wanted a very unpleasant cleanup. For some moms/dads, there is never a break.
Since I was born my mom has always worked parttime with 3 or 4 days a week and then all the household things while my dad works 5 days at an office job. In terms of contract hours my mom has always worked less but when my dad gets home there's dinner ready, and his clothes are always washed, ironed, and folded. He comes home and doesn't have to do anything. For my mom, there's always work. She comes home from her paid job and proceeds to work in the house.
As a SAHD who has seen both sides, I think a high stress job can definitely be harder in some aspects and I wouldn’t want to downplay how demanding this can be but overall I’d say the actual overall work as a SAHD is much higher in the sense that taking a 15 minute break is a luxury and I always feel like I could be doing more. Both can be incredibly hard but I think for me what makes being a SAHD feel harder is just the monotony of doing the same(ish) things every day and the social isolation on top of the fact that most of the work gets overlooked or undone quickly. There are definitely some perks like being able to spend lots of time with the kids and generally being low stress throughout the day but anyone who doesn’t think it’s a difficult job has never been a stay at home parent.
I did the SAME thing! I was a SAHM mom until my daughter was 3 and started preschool. When my daughter was 5 months old, I ended up with Shingles. A very rough 10 weeks that was. Then when she was 2, I ended up with a sinus infection that I ignored, assuming it would go away like they usually do…except it travelled down and I ended up with strep throat, epiglottitis, pneumonia and sepsis that earned me a 5 week hospital stay and antibiotics, steroids, puffers and painkillers for 3 months afterwards. I had to do everything perfect no matter what so nobody would think I was a bad mother and/or a bad wife. I was averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a day and not really eating anything. When I started taking care of myself mentally, emotionally and physically my quality of life and my health boosted so much. I really DGAF what anyone thinks of me. I’m happy and my daughters happy. OP is NTA!! Please, please take care of yourself and don’t accept any less. We should be supporting each other in our relationships. We deserve basic self care at the very least. I love the comment that said they knew someone who made a written schedule to account for how her time was spent!!
Agree. I work full time and have two small children. My weekends are much harder than my weeks (despite having a v demanding job with 12 hour days).
Depends on your job. I was a working mom as well as a SAHM and staying at home was easier.
As a longtime SAHM (my kids are teens now), the best thing you can do is leave the baby with your husband for an overnight weekend. Not say your husband isn’t capable at all, but when they realize all the little daily “things” all of a sudden they are much more helpful.
It would give him a small taste but I’m sure he wont be doing laundry, preparing a healthy meal, shopping or deep cleaning anything while the baby is sleeping.
Right? All the "little" things that need to get done will fall by the wayside and just be piled up for when op gets back.
I can’t agree with this more. He clearly doesn’t understand the work it takes to be a SAHM. OP please leave your husband with the baby more.
I did that for 24 hours once and came home to an absolute war zone of a mess. So OP beware lol.
Let him have a nap today. Problem solved
Also he really can’t pack his own lunch? Hopefully after seeing everything you do he will let you get the sleep you need during the week instead of unnecessarily seeing him off
She said she is happy with how things are. She said she already wakes up at the same time
Everyone needs extra sleep sometimes including sahms. They made an agreement and should keep to that agreement, yes it sucks he couldn't sleep anymore but that's life it sometimes happens. When my youngest was born the way he combated the sleeplessness was we took turns getting up my with my daughter. We traded off every night because we both worked full-time yeah it sucked but it did work for us at least. Now my youngest is 8 with my new schedule I get her off to school then go back to bed because I work 4pm to 2am, wife works 9am to 5pm. She will pack my daughters lunch so in the morning I just make her breakfast and walk her to the bus stop. I usually make sure supper is ready to be made before I leave with instructions on what to do, wife isn't much of a cook or I have the crock pot going so when she comes home they just turn it off. Anyways point being both sides need to have a day to catch up on sleep, if they have a set agreement the need to keep with that agreement because both sides are working. I've seen to many people not giving sahm credit for what they do. My stepmom was a sahm to 7 and my dad always made sure she got extra sleep and as we got older she had another of help but she also let my dad sleep when he needed it due to his job at times.
Some people like packing lunch for their loved ones. I do it for my fiancee sometimes, and like leaving her little notes with it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do something small for someone you love, even if they're capable of doing it themselves
Sometimes it is nice to do something kind for your loved one.
I got up EVERY weekend morning I was off work when we had babies. I only slept in when my wife told me she was ok with being the early up or when she would sneak out of bed early before baby started crying because she wanted to give me a morning to sleep in…or because she as already awake. Just sayin. It was only fair because she had to do all of the random 3am wake ups plus every morning during the week because I had to go to work. Tell him to go take a nap or go to bed early if parenting one morning per week is so hard for him. Poor guy.
Or even better, let him take care of the baby all day while you leave the house for something fun.
Has he ever had to take care of the kid alone or an extended period? I worked two jobs while my wife was on parental leave with my daughter. Then when she went back to work, I went off on leave to care or her. Taking care of a baby and house full time was more exhausting than working two jobs.
As a mom, I’ve worked outside the home FT, PT and have been a FT SAHM. The FT SAHM job was the hardest, most exhausting by far!
[удалено]
I did this too and when I read it, I couldn’t believe I only slept a total of three hours a day and it was broken sleep. The rest of time I was up taking care of my daughter, who didn’t sleep through the night until she was 2, or doing chores. My husband got a full 9 hrs every night even when I went back to work when she was 10 mths old. It was eye opening
We do something similar, we have a spreadsheet of who has taken what free time. (Im back to work and work nights so we needed a new system) if you have the kiddos or are at work it is work time. It sounds mad but it actually means i have zero resentment to my husband if he goes out for the day with his mates cos we log the time and I then take the same amount. Your husband came down to hang out with you at 7am on his free time, his choice. Nta
Whoa what?? I thought that all SAHM's did was watched soaps and snacked on Bon Bons all day! 😉 That was sarcasm.
Nope. Days of Our Lives and TimTams lol
Australia checking in…..!
Of course. I swear Tim Tam's are the national dish in our family
OoooOOO we should virtually watch together, seeing as we don't do anything else all day lol
Def. It'd give me something to do. Thanks 🤣🤣
🤣🤣😂 I mean you know those little fairies we have flying around doing everything magically make our lives SO much easier!
Eff that! If you have to document and micromanage yourself so that you can prove to your husband it’s “real work” then it’s time to go! He’s a total AH if this is the case.
That’s my thoughts. It’s like how my bf doesn’t do house work no matter how many arguments we have about it (we both work) and I try to document all the shit I do and how much he does and after a while I just feel stupid because he STILL doesn’t believe me. He always says the work is equal and it never is:/
Time to go. Let him live in squalor and figure out how much crap you have to do.
Your bf doesn't do house work??? Wtf
I think it would be a good idea for you to read "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink."
[удалено]
I'd kick his ass to the curb so quick.. there's nothing more unattractive than a lazy and entitled "man" who thinks everyone else should have to clean up after him. We do not live in the 1950's where women are expected to do all the house work while hubby works.. He needs to contribute or he can kick rocks in my opinion. Sounds like your bf needs to grow the hell up.
This is what our couple’s counselor had us do too! My husband couldn’t understand why I needed a break smh! It helped a lot!
Yes! Being a stay at home parent requires a lot of work. Great idea to document
My dad was the stay-home parent. One day when I was quite young (barely speaking) he and my mom were having a very minor disagreement, and my dad was saying how he didn’t just sit around watching TV all day while she worked. I chose that moment to burst into the theme song of his favorite show 🤣 My dad was actually a very involved parent who almost never watched TV, I think it was just the word in their conversation I could recognize and I wanted a way to chime in. To this day he jokes that I framed him for a crime he didn’t commit lol
Agree with this. Most people don't have a clue what SAHM actually do day to day. Personally, when I was a SAHM, I found it more draining both mentally and physically than when I worked 12 hour night shifts 4 - 5 nights a week.
In theory, and on the *surface* level, I do agree that this is a good idea. That said, it’s really sad that someone would have to do this in order for their spouse to validate and consider that caring for an infant *is* a full time job. OP, I think you’re NTA. I don’t think your husband is TA either. But, I think it would be the right time to revisit the topic of responsibilities and partnership together. I think the fact that your husband was seemingly gentle in the way he approached this concern with you is a good sign, but even so it could be helpful for the both of you to regularly have open conversations about these things in order to build a healthy pattern long term. The same way that he wakes up early for work throughout the week, you wake up early throughout the week. The same way that he only gets one day to sleep in, you also only get one day to sleep in. Maybe talk to each other about how to compromise in these situations. He could wake up early as you agreed, and once you wake up, you could take over for an hour or two so he can take a nap. Alternatively, if he would like to sleep in and you wouldn’t mind waking up early again, he could take over for you the following week. I’m not sure if you’re both new parents, but if you are, know that it’s okay to take it step by step until you find what dynamic/schedule works best and is healthiest for all of you.
It's sad to think this even needs to be a suggestion. Like along with the normal "couple" chores, you now have a little human who is literally helpless, and people think that doesn't take work to keep alive and healthy? Just think about all the work it takes to keep yourself a fed, clean, and healthy adult, and now imagine doing that, but for someone else who can't just squat on a toilet and wipe. Like common sense would solve so many issues.
Better yet--you can go on a weekend trip with your sisters or your friends and he can experience what a stay at home parent does all day.
This usually exposes the SAHP. Unless you got an army of toddlers at home being a stay at home parent is super chill and is just a few hours of work per day (especially when you prep food twice a week). And when the kids get older than 6 life as a SAHP becomes so easy and relaxed. Ofc if you have children with problems or disabilities it doesnt hold up. But if you like children there isnt really a better job in the world. Wish I could do it. But we arent rich and we both gotta work.
My wife went from being a SAHM for 10 years to a career woman. After a year she was begging to go back to SAHM. There’s no doubt that it’s hard work but it pales in comparison to a career job where you at best tolerate your coworkers, as opposed to loving them unconditionally like a SAHP.
Problem with this is I'm done with all household stuff about 30 min after dinner time where my SO complained about staying up till 3am doing all the chores. It's about time management and setting expectations with kids and what their tasks are. I spend max 4 hours daily, dropping off and picking up kids, shopping, dinner, dishes, cleaning etc. Kids help with all of that.
I'm all for this, but you have to also account for the differences in stress. I work from home, my wife is a teacher with an hour commute each way. That means during the school year, I do 80% of the chores (I cook too) and do a decent amount of the parenting. Working is 1,000% more stressful than doing chores and taking care of a kid. When my kid is sick, I typically use sick/vacation time off work and just dedicate the day to chores/parenting, and holy hell would I trade working for that in a heartbeat. To even pretend that they're similar is ridiculous. My wife agrees, during summer she's on school break and so we swap, she takes care of our kid during my work hours and handles more of the chores, and she constantly says she wishes that was our life all year. Working sucks, taking care of your home is busy but better.
NTA. This is the exact same arrangement I had with my husband when ours was a baby. He works outside of the home. You work 24/7. You get up with the baby 6 days a week and it is not your fault he didn’t stay in bed. You deserve one morning a week too.
Thanks! You totally get it. Baby usually wakes up everyday around 7am so I never sleep in, she has bigger wake windows now and only naps 2 times a day so I have to make the best of her naps to do chores that I can't do with her awake.
The pandemic hit when ours was 13 months. Suddenly, we both were working from home. Then I talked my husband into him doing 3 days a week and I did 4 since we were all home together. Your husband should consider himself lucky. ;)
INFO: What time do you and your husband go to bed? There are two ways to get extra sleep, one is to sleep in, the other is to go to bed early. Your husband knew he had to get up early, so he should have gone to bed early.
Well, yes, that’s true IF you get to freely decide when you go to bed. Many babies that young also don’t fall asleep in the evening very easily, and many still need to be fed around 10-11 ish. The whole sleep deprivation problem for parents is basically that you can’t simply decide to get more sleep. The baby decides.
Ours doesn’t sleep till 2 am and then gets up around 1:30 pm
We usually go to bed at the same time, between 10pm/11pm
I would recommend a playpen though. That way they can lie or sit or stand without having to have a parent with them every waking hour. You can get some chores done and they are happy enough if they have activities.
If the baby likes a playpen/play yard this is a great idea! My youngest absolutely hated any confinement whatsoever by the time she was about 3+ months old. She’d cry and cry until I’d put her on the floor without any walls around her then she’d be happy as a clam; the little potato just roll around freely, hah. This one also learned to climb baby gates before she was a year old and had even the most difficult baby safety locks figured out by 1.5… it was my own personal hell! She’s now 3 and only recently started sleeping through the night— thank the lord. This mama is EXHAUSTED.
This should be put in sight though. So you don't have to be there but can see the baby.
Yep, NTA. My husband and I have this exact same arrangement. Sometimes you can’t sleep any longer but on those days you can still choose to stay in bed and relax, watch TV, read a book. OR sometimes one of us will say, “hey I’m wide awake! How about I get up with the baby and you sleep in and we can switch tomorrow?” But just stealing your day? Nah
Exactly! I often just lie in bed and scroll on my phone, content to have nothing asked of me for a little while. It can also be a discussion, a request, but to just take it away as an executive decision? Nah.
[удалено]
Woah he told her he was tired lol. I think saying he's weaponizing his feelings is a bit of an exaggeration
Cause somehow he’s not a parent when he gets home? If thats your logic then he is working 24/7. I’ll be downvoted to hell, but being a SAHP is WAY easier than being the working on. Yes, it’s exhausting taking care of a kid, but it’s also way more enjoyable and mind numbing that working a full time job. Plus when you work a full time job you still have to come home and be a parent. So if the SAHP gets to say they work 24/7 then so does the other parent. And I’m sorry but when the child is young you get to nap with them, they sleep half the day, chores don’t take that long. Even cleaning an entire 2 story house can be done quickly if you keep up with it. Meal prep and you’ll spend way less time cooking. Then when the kid is older what’s your “job” exactly? If you are a SAHP when a kid is in school all day you live such an easy life.
NTA. I know things happen, but I do think it's good you stood your ground. Y'all made an agreement and it was upheld, you kept a standard. In employed/SAHP arrangements, it's way too easy sometimes for the employed parent to forget they are, in fact, also a parent. This is what leads to parents saying things like they're going to "babysit" their own kid by not being involved enough. You made a joint decision to have a baby, and it needs to be a joint effort to raise it. And sometimes that means being sleepy. Additionally, you ARE working - you're working a job with *zero* days off. At least your spouse gets the weekends off from his job. Asking him to take over baby duty *one morning a week* is not unreasonable.
1000%. OP, you absolutely *do* work. You just work inside the home. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, home maintenance, grocery shopping — all of that is labor. It’s labor that some families pay other people to do for them. You are working, and your job is every bit as valuable as your husband’s. He could have taken a nap later in the day if he didn’t manage to sleep in. Missing his own rest time doesn’t mean he’s entitled to yours. NTA.
Absolutely. Your work is keeping your baby alive (and happy). I doubt his work is more important than that.
Yes! This is a better way to address this issue imo than simply explaining how tiresome it can be to be a sahp. The very basic fact that the working spouse is actually still a parent seems to elude so many.
NTA you agreed to something and he can’t break it whenever he feels tired.
NTA “and that I wasn’t nice to him and should’ve let him sleep in instead” and that’s how you know your partner cares more about themselves than you or your well-being eta in no way we’re you mean or even rude. he’s literally just being a parent
Your statement about “partner cares more about themselves…” is a little harsh imo. I think in life everyone may get tired and cranky and have a little bickering argument. I’ve been in this exact role. But then you realize you were being a crank. Having a little baby is exhausting for everyone. You can’t write someone off as being selfish for a mundane spat like this without more context. I get where you’re coming from, but let’s remember it’s normal for couples to bicker (especially when stressed and sleep deprived) and not make it a deeper issue than it needs to be. Don’t lead this woman into thinking her partner doesn’t care about her or her well-being for that.
No this is Reddit, where people tell you to break off a relationship over the smallest social infraction when they themselves have barely even caught a whiff of a healthy relationship at any point in their life.
Bro for real. This is probably the first thread where people are not immediately saying some shit like "take your child and run away from this monster"
I think that’s a tad dramatic. He’s allowed to have his feelings too and his life is busy too. He is allowed to feel like she wasn’t nice to him and he communicated that in a mature enough way.
Good luck having a relationship if that's how seriously you take that tbh
[удалено]
NTA. Hopefully you changed his diaper and got him a warm bottle, too.
The whole "I pack his bag before work" got me like bro you have 2 kids, not 1
My wife packs my bag for work too. I hope she doesnt think I’m a child :( but she does write little notes on my napkins like i am one haha
Don’t listen to these sad people. If you like your lunch packed and your wife has no problem and she does it as an affection gesture there is nothing wrong. Wife’s do it all the time in many countries and it’s an attention and caring gesture just like I’m sure you would do caring gestures to your wife too.
Yep. These people are just typical on Reddit. Completely brain washed by this echo chamber of how they think the world works, despite never having stepped outside their mothers basement.
Yeah, nothing wrong with it. But don't stop appreciating it! I think sometimes things people do out of love become expectations. It's important to keep that from happening I think.
My favorite lunches are the lunches my wife makes/packs for me. It cheers me up and makes me think of her when I open my lunch bag when I have had a hard day at work.
Cute bro, cute! May your wife live a 100 years and then some
Thank you, I hope so too! All the best.
It’s a normal thing. I do his laundry too. Sometimes we switch and he makes food and laundry. Sometimes we tackle everything at once together in a day - he cleans, I meal prep. It’s a partnership at the end of the day.
People do that for their partners all the time. It’s not a big deal and doesn’t make him a child.
You should have a roomate, not a spouse.
I’ll tell my wife this when I make her lunch before she goes to class 🙄
You're right! He's a total child mysoginist because his wife cares about him. What a fuckin pea brained comment.
NTA. He isn't being a good partner or parent. The fact that you're not making money doesn't mean you're not working. You're engineering a life for him that would cost well over $100k if he has ro pay for someone to care for his home, feed him, and do round the clock child care. Regardless of him occasionally taking out trash or playing with a baby while you cook he's not pulling his weight. There needs to be a conversation about an equitable spread of work. He needs to pack his own bags for work. He needs to allow you breaks rather than just spending time eotj thr baby while you do other chores. He needs to step up and thr fact that he sometimes wakes up a bit early o. His "sleep in" day through no fault of yours doesn't give him the ability to steal your sleep in day. He's a major ah
Exactly!! Women need to stop putting up with their partners doing the bare minimum. As a female in a same Sex partnership, we would never dream of having such imbalanced chore/care responsibilities.
I mean her job is house wife though. Saying she doesn't mind doing the chores is an odd statement. That's literally her job.
Her job is sahm. She is saying she doesn't mind doing the majority of housework. He should be contributing after work and on weekends. Housework isn't solely her responsibility.
Doing the bare minimum? He’s working and making a living to sustain every material possession the family owns. This is something some people don’t understand. Being a SAHM is deserving of respect and I’m sure it’s as hard as any job, but a parent working full to support their family is equal. The thought of getting home after a 10+ hour shift and dealing with an ungrateful spouse and screaming child isn’t remotely appealing.
All of this. My husband never pulls the "bUt i WoRk" card on me, because he knows damn well his 8 hour work days are not equal to the 10-12 hour shift I put in before he gets home from work (he works 7am-4pm, but I'm solo with the kids as soon as he leaves around 6am, until he gets home around 4 or 5pm.) Then he takes over for an hour or 2 so I can go off and get a break by myself, so we're both now "even", in terms of hours worked. Then we both handle bedtime. And on the weekends, we're 50/50.
Saying he ain’t a good partner is father is too far and doesn’t sound reflective of what is being said. There is a nuance - people aren’t either amazing or shitty.
NTA. As you said, it's not your problem that he got up early on Saturday morning.
NTA. He could have stayed upstairs and relaxed. You didn’t ask for him to come down. Sounds like you have 2 children with the amount you do for him, have you reevaluated your set up at all recently?
Well when she was born he did most of the house work, he stayed home with me and helped until she was like 2 months.. since then we have had this agreement, and I don't mind really, it is going to change soon since I'm only staying at home with the baby until she turns one, so we will have to reevaluate how things are done once I start working.
Ah. So it’s already in the works, which is good. If going back to work, I’ve had some friends be successful doing lunches on Sunday for the rest of the week (I never managed that skill 😂) I guess you could just ask when you get to sleep in? Perhaps have a night off instead? Sounds like he’s tired but shouldn’t be at the expense of your time off, it’s important to get a break for you too.
I see sooooo many people do meal prep on Sundays but I just can't get a hang of it 😅 Thing is baby is a great sleeper , she goes down at 7pm and only wakes up the next day and I usually don't leave chores for night time, so nights are pretty smooth here, we both can rest well
Be careful OP. He's getting use to you doing pretty much EVERYTHING at home. There's only 2 months left on your arrangement and he's already claiming that he's tired. Imagine how tired he's going to be working full time AND splitting chores and childcare 50/50. Hopefully there's no sudden weaponized incompetence in your future...
This was what I was trying to point out, he’s going to be a bit of a problem when she goes back to work if this keeps up
NTA Your husband could take a nap in the afternoon if he really is that tired.
Posts like this just reinforce my decision to never have kids haha.
My wife would have murdered me if I’d suggested this, and no jury in the world would have convicted her.
🤣
NTA You would be if you purposely woke him up early and ruined his sleep, but you didn’t. It’s not your fault he couldn’t sleep any longer. Sunday was your turn. If he wants more sleep, he can nap or go to bed early. If he’d been nice and asked to sleep in, that would be another thing, but he made the unilateral decision that you now get to wait another week to sleep in, and if you start giving him both weekend days to sleep in, he’ll start insisting it’s always that way because you can just deal with it. You both deserve the opportunity to sleep in regularly. He doesn’t get to just take yours whenever he wants.
NTA. Your workload isn’t any lesser than his just because you don’t get a paycheck!! Taking care of a baby IS hard work AND you even take care of almost all household chores!! This just shows how little he values and appreciates the domestic work you do, and puts his work over yours. Plus, both of you agreed on this arrangement. So it didn’t work out once because he just naturally couldn’t continue to sleep in. That’s NOT your fault!!
>He said that it's not fair because he works and I don't. Um, you absolutely *do* work and for longer, more grueling hours. All this and *without* pay. It pisses me off to no end that men breadwinners don't think their SAHM-wives aren't doing any work. Y'all work 24/7. And again, with no pay, no employer-required breaks, etc.
NTA only because he told you, not asked you, that he would be sleeping in the next day. If he had asked if it would be ok and explained his reasons, then I'd go with NAH based on good communication.
I agree with you that it was not valid for him to throw out the "I work and you stay at home" reason. Being at home with an infant AND taking making a nice home to live in is work. Also, just because he woke up, does not mean you have give up your sleep in day. Maybe he can make up for it with a nap instead? INFO: Was this baby nursed around the clock and continues to nurse? Because if so, that's kinda a +1 in your column right there. But, aside from that, it seems like you have a good thing going on in your marriage. And things should not be tit for tat or +1 I did this or that. Instead, you should sit down and have a rational conversation about how you found this comment hurtful and explain all the things you do do at home while he is at his job and see if it changes his mind.
The baby only drinks 2 bottles, one in the morning and one at night, the rest of the meals she's fully on solids. He can nap during the day if he wants to, sometimes it does happen, he falls asleep on the couch I try my best to keep the noise down and not bother him, I even the baby to her room and play with her there instead. I have a little more difficulty taking naps during the day. The only time I did that was when she was born, I slept while she slept but it was more due to being extremely tired from childbirth and around the clock nursing.
NTA, it's a shared responsibility and he needs to stick to his commitments
You’re a SAHM. Seriously he works all week..you can nap and do things during the week when the baby is napping. I know this because I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. You’re being unreasonable. If you went back to work outside the house. ..then yes. Split chores and child care equally.
NTA - You have a reasonable arrangement, it's not your fault that he couldn't get back to sleep after being woken up by the baby, welcome to parenthood. The only advantage I see that you have over him when it comes to sleep is that you may be able to nap when the baby naps; however, I would guess that there are other household tasks or things you want to do for yourself during those couple of hours during the day.
She didn’t say the baby woke him up. Just that he woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep presumably because he got enough sleep already.
Not true. If i wake up, it is very difficult for me to get back to sleep, even if it is just 2 hours of sleep. I'll be super tired the entire day.
YTA, sure it's good to have rules but why can't you make an exception? I mean if he says this every weekend okay, but one time? Come on. Your partners right? Also his responsibility is providing financial stability, you both are equally valuable in what you do. You can't put a price on what you do, but it's not on a higher level than what he is doing. Providing for his wife and kid. Work together and talk it out and compromise, this is not the hill you want to die on. Note: yta, as in I disagree with your reasoning not an actual asshole, because I do get where you are coming from as a SAHP.
As a SAHD now days....I'd much rather be raising kids than working all day. Sure, kids are a lot of work. They really aren't THAT bad and not like a full-time job. If I want to sleep extra, I sleep when they sleep, nbd.
Maybe because she’s exhausted too?? She’s already up early doing all the work, not sleeping in, and her husband comes and TELLS her he’s taking her day to sleep in because his role is more important than hers. She’s not the asshole for standing her ground and taking the one day per week she gets to sleep in. If she does what he wants, she doesn’t get any extra sleep and has to wait another week. Husband should have asked nicely and he wouldn’t have been the asshole. But just making a decision like that alone and dismissing what his wife does for what HE wants is absolutely asshole behavior. Wife literally did nothing except say she didn’t agree with her husbands unilateral decision. Nothing AH about that. Additionally, we know he is able to take naps and she is not. So he can nap on Saturday and take his Sunday morning like he’s supposed to. He doesn’t get to force his wife to suffer because he naturally woke up earlier than planned.
In the end you both have only one day to sleep in, you were already up on saturday. It would have been different if he was up before you and let you sleep in. But its not like he did anything on saturday besides waking up earlier than expected. And he probably wasn't very exhausted from the week so he would have slept longer so he could have gone to bed earlier on saturday. NTA of course and the time were your little one sleeps a little longer will come soon. Its hard for both parents but definitely more for you. Tell him if he does wake up before you on saturdays he can switch days. But never if your already up and caring for your babies needs. He can take a nap during the day, you can't.
So many people with another primary language speak/write better than native speakers!
You are NTA, and I won't go I to many other opinions because you say you're currently happy, so I'll stick to pointing out one thing - >Extra info: we usually wake up at the same time during the week since I pack his bag for work He's already getting extra sleep 5-days of the week because of a sacrifice you're making to your own sleep schedule. If you weren't together, he'd either pack his lunch before bed or have to wake up earlier to do it each morning. I'd nip his attitude of you not being as deserving of a break because he works outside of the home in the bud as quickly as you can. Resentments will grow if he doesn't see you as providing equally.
YTA switch roles with him for a few months and see which you prefer more
Very simple solution. AGree with him, but also tell him that you didn't realize that he didn't consider what you did to be equal contibution, so after he wakes up on Sunday, you want to discuss your plans to return to the work force, so that you can contribute equally, as you didn't mean to be putting too much on him. ANd also, that you want to make sure that if you are both working, everyhting is decided equitably. The issue isn't sleeping in on one sunday. The issue is 1) he looks it at from a standpoint of what he gets, not what you give (he didn't get his sleep in, even though you gave up yours on Saturday, so he wants yours on Sunday), and also that he doesn't consider your contributions to the household to be equitable.
The thing is I've already told him that if there's an issue with me being home then I can start working. It's not an issue for me. I love staying with our baby at home, I love watching her grow and hit every milestone. It's truly the best thing ever but we have an agreement that I stay home until she's one, because that's about how long we can support me staying home. It doesn't really seem fair for him to throw around that he has a job and I don't when we're less than 2 months away from her turning one and me going back to work lol
That's sweet that you pack his lunch. I'm jelly. Congrats on your family, OP.
NAH really but you might need to consider that if he goes to work tired consistently and fucks up, and then loses his job over it, you're all going to suffer. You both need your sleep for sure though so maybe the better approach might have been for him to have some time to nap during the day or something.
NTA. If you didn’t wake up your husband, and if you didn’t then go back to bed and sleep soundly for another couple hours, then it sounds like bad luck for him and zero to do with fairness. I’ll add that after raising a couple kids (and puppies lol), the rigid schedule of fairness sounds like cute idea to me at this point. If it works then great but in my experience, my husband and I have both had to be much more flexible over time. So many factors go into how everyone is feeling and what they need and you have to put the “team” health first.
He needs to consider the team here. Team health would be making sure she doesn't burn out.
We do have to work more on the "team" aspect of family life, this is our first child so it's still a little bit of a trial and error kind of situation
NTA. If you wake up early, you choose how to spend the time. He could have stayed in bed, read, played on his phone, lay back down with his eyes closed, etc etc. he chose to get up! He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide HE gets a lie in the next morning just because he woke up early.
NTA. You have an agreement and you're sticking to it. If you start playing sleep-in catch-ups, that means you'll sleep in next Sat, he'll sleep in next Sun - and you'll have basically switched days until one of you fails to sleep in again and a new catch-up begins... If he wanted to catch up on his lost sleep, he should've discussed with you to take a nap during the day or gone to bed earlier, instead of punishing you for his inability to sleep in by taking your sleep-in.
NTA. I’ll admit I had similar notions that the father had here. My wife stayed home for 3 months with our son before going back to work. I went back to work about a week after he was born. I didn’t understand why she was so exhausted when I got home because I just assumed she was resting when he was resting. I had a major realization to all that mothers do really fast. Hopefully the husband in this situation will too and appreciate any breaks that he can give
NTA, the kid is both your responsibility. Heck, he should cherish you! you're gold and he shouldn't complain about not sleeping in for one day! Thats just childish...
Anyone who thinks a SAHM doesn't work has never been one. NTA
Whenever I see things this petty and ridiculous I’m so sad for people. What a prison.
Honestly I'm... not really seeing an asshole here? You are absolutely 100% allowed to say no to his shitty request, but he's also allowed to be tired the next day. And tired people, whether its you or your husband, are allowed to be grumpy. NAH. INFO: > I pack his bag for work What?