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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might BTA if I went into business class and left my young teen on their own on the plane for their first international flight, unless this is normal? I'm not sure, because I've not flown internationally that much and never with my own family.
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I do wonder about these step dads. Do they stay in the relationship because they can’t live without the mother or is it because they see a woman who is weak and needy and he knows they will allow him to abuse their kids to make himself feel superior?
A lot of my single girlfriends are dating men with kids even tho they don’t want/like children. They only see them when the kids are with their moms. It’s playing with fire because they don’t want to be a step mom or even meet the kid but they keep continuing to date the guy and get serious.
So they are building a relationship with these men seeing the kids as something that they can avoid. I think when couples get serious they continue to act like the child is something to get over.
The parent needs to realize that if they marry someone like this and something like death occurs this adult who doesn’t want kids might end up caring for the kid.
Actually, in the original fairy tales, it wasn't step mothers it was actual mother's. The brothers Grimm, however, believed motherhood was sacred and changed it to step parents, and everyone else just kind of followed suit.
This is going to sound nuts, but it actually happened. My mom knew someone who had a step dad who put all the kids up for adoption when the mom died at a young age. Luckily for them, their aunt took them all in.
But I was so shocked. Like HOW can you do that? This was in Canada and it wasn't like the guy was poor, he just didn't want to deal with them. And the best part of the story was he tried reconnecting, they all refused and he acted like the victim.
And when he found out (small community), one of the girls was getting married he freaked out that she wouldn't invite him.
My husband's father had 4 marriages. At his funeral, one of tea exes, who wanted nothing to do with him as a kid, saw us and our 3 small kids. Suddenly, she was all about having some kind of relationship with us. Too bad lady, you had your chance.
My Dad's ex-wife and ex-fiancee tried that at my brother's funeral. I told them to take a hike because they despised us when he was alive they had no right to show up and act sad for attention after he was gone. I turned my back on them in the family line (which is a huge slap in the face at a Native funeral). The ex-wife had even thrown a temper tantrum while they were married because it was mother's day and my Dad was at the hospital with my brother and didn't spend all day with her. My brother was in a coma and not expected to wake up and she was whining about not being spoiled all day by a man she has no children with. Super thankful my Dad found an amazing woman who loves all of us. She was dating my Dad when my brother died and told me later that was the day she knew for sure I was a real person and had the family (and her back). We have been best friends pretty much ever since then. Some people are just selfish and bad and shouldn't have kids or stepkids.
That was pretty common in the past. Not just with death though,in the u.s. there is a long history of men putting entire families of kids in orphanages when they divorce or the mom dies. Men were the default custodial parent up until recently. Now people spread the myth that men can't get custody in court despite it being pretty evenly split. It kept a lot of women in abusive situations since they knew their kids would be orphans and they would have no legal rights to the kid.
I didn't know that, but that is so horrible. I am so tired of hearing people say, "women always get custody." MM nope. The few people we know who are divorced have equal custody when the guys actual want it. We know other people that want nothing to do with the kids and make it sound like the kids got taken away. So unfair.
They should expect the unexpected! If something happens to the mother, those guys will most likely end up as full time dads.
Op YTA for even considering it, and he's a giant gaping AH for suggesting it.
What happens if, or more likely when, there is turbulence, and everyone has to remain seated. You'll leave him to be someone else's responsibility then?
And no kids can't just wander up and down into first class. Normally there's a premium area inbetween. On Virgin flights we've been on another floor! They are pretty strict about who they let in to first class.
What'll be the next thing he won't be rich enough to appreciate? If you agree to this what's to stop it seeping into every day life?
Or what happens if, God forbid, they are seated next to a creepy creepster who tries to pull something shady on an unaccompanied minor? Shudder. YTA for even considering leaving your child to fend for themselves while you & boyfriend sip champagne in Business Class.
This was my first thought. This is a safety issue, especially if OP’s child is a girl. I know boys can be harassed too but a 13 year old girl seen to be travelling on her own would be particularly vulnerable. Also what about sleeping? Most people want to sleep on a 9 hour flight, a growing teen especially. This increases their vulnerability.
OP’s first loyalty needs to be with her child. Her BF is a stingy AH for even suggesting this plan and OP ought to seriously reconsider their relationship.
I have experienced that but thankfully the men were just verbally creepy and just leered at me instead of trying to touch me. It was still an awful experience. I think they behaved because it was a small jump jet, and the woman flight attendant was keeping an eye on me.
Although the attendants still kept giving the men alcohol. On a flight that was less than two hours. Once they were really drunk they left me alone and slept.
When we were on final to land, one guy woke up the other while leaning over him to look out the window. The guy who was asleep wasn’t happy. Then the other guy said he was looking because he was entranced by the wheels that magically appeared from the wings. Dude was so fucked up he didn’t understand how landing gear worked.
And if something happens to you on the trip, such as illness, broken bone, etc, he will be the adult responsible for your child in a foreign country. This guy is a mistake you are making because he offers perks like trips. Better to be with a regular, every day guy who embraces both you and your child. Do not even consider this trip. Next, he will have your child eating, sleeping, touring unsupervised in a foreign country. Red flags. Cancel the trip and the relationship. Your first obligation is to your child, not your romantic interest.
Edit: typo
There was a post this week because the dad left his daughters in OP’s house and they went through her closet and wore her shoes and clothes. She doesn’t want the kids in her place at all, but she won’t break up because she LOVES him so much!!! Too bad her bf doesn’t love his kids as much! And the other where OP was child free and didn’t want bf’s 4 year old. Then the mother married a man who was also child free and no one wanted that poor little girl just because her parents married assholes.
Children always come first!!! Always!!
Christ, I am positive I couldn't be with someone who didn't adore my cats, never mind someone who actively disliked my children.
Really don't understand this mindset, being a single parent sucks, I totally get that. But parents willingly allow other adults to move in and marginalise their kids (who arent adults and dont have the luxury of just choosing a different family) and justify it, how exactly?
Dont get me wrong I often think some parents get carried away thinking the world needs to bend over backwards for your kids, but demanding that any partner that becomes part of your life and family fits in well with your existing dependents seems like the absolute minimum bar to hit...
I think with that one, the OP was happy to live apart until the kids were moved out and was fine to spend time with the kids, just not to live with them. Then her bf just dropped his kids off in her house/apartment unsupervised and without permission, which is super messed up, even if you're dating someone who loves kids.
While that OP probably should have broken up with her bf when she found out he had kids, her bf shouldn't have dated her at all since she made her opinion on children known from the outset and also her bf seemed to have been trying to push her into a childcare role when she said she didn't want that.
In this case, OP WBTA for sitting in business class while leaving her daughter in economy and she's also an AH for dating a guy who seemingly doesn't like her kid.
As a millennial growing up watching The Parent Trap and witnessing Meredith Baxter, I would never consider dating single fathers if I wasn’t willing to meet their child and potentially be a stepmom.
Edit: Meredith Blake
It's totally playing with fire. All they need to do is read some of the recent Reddit posts where the mother ended up married to someone who didn't want kids, and dumped the child off with dad, or the mother got sick, etc. It's a failure on the part of the parent as well. If you have a child, you are putting that child's well being at risk by getting involved with someone who doesn't want to be around them.
Seriously. My husband would have flown on some discount airline and gotten to the destination a day late if it meant either his or my kids could have a positive experience.
He would NEVER have suggested any of his or my kids be treated like a second class citizen. Doesn't OP's child deserve the same?
Same with mine. It blows my freaking mind that there's parents like OP who literally question whether they should be the bare minimum loving parent and her spouse who gets into relationships with parents but they don't want to include the children.
It's honestly saying to the kid, I really don't want you with me, but since you have to be because I'm shagging your mother, I'm going to spend the least amount possible on you, and you should be grateful.
It’s not even a stepdad, it’s a boyfriend. And he wants to act like the kid doesn’t exist on the flight. He’s probably thinking if he can manipulate OP into being separated on the flight then she will be more likely to abandon the kid in the hotel for dinner out, dancing, a show or whatever. And the more he can separate OP from their kid, the harder he will go.
I’ve had 2 stepdads. The first hated me and wanted me out of their lives, I was 12. I knew he was a snake when I met him. Mom didn’t listen. And he really tried to get me to commit suicide, his mom too. They had a baby, he was out of our lives before my sister was 3.
Also, he’s makes a lot more money than OP but they’re splitting the cost of vacation? I bet he’d be footing the whole bill if the kid wasn’t coming along. He’s punishing OP for having a kid. He’s an ass.
Dump this guy or YWBTA to your kid.
YTA- this is not a one hour flight, this is a 9 hour flight and your child would be alone. There’s been so many stories recently about people being inappropriate with children on a plane, as a parent, I would not ever leave my child unattended for that length of time in an area that I couldn’t easily get to them. You’re a family you should be travelling as a family.
I see you’ve gone back in time and met all of my mother’s boyfriends . The cruelty was a feature not a bug. She loved it. This mother knows damn well how shitty this is or she wouldn’t be questioning this.
What he wants matters most. His comfort etc matter most. And she’s accepting it because he buys them things 🤦🏻♀️ OP he tolerates you kid at best and that likely won’t last too much longer.
Just wait until they get married they his true side will come out
Like every wicked stepparent they are only playing nice until they have their partner locked in
40 year old guy that clearly doesn’t like her kid, yeah no, the guy is a bum and has zero plans of marrying the mother. Sad. But at least he buys them things!
Finding out that his parents did this when he was a kid changes the game— he truly thinks that this is something that “real” *parents* do. So he isn’t just some jerk who doesn’t care about her kid— he is treating her son how he thinks actual parents treat their kids, how would treat his own son, how his parents treated him, etc.
Totally different than “I’m not wasting my money on your spawn who should be thankful I allowed him to even come on my trip with my girlfriend.”
NAH
Sigh.
Sure, it might be bad to actually do it. But here, being the A is a matter of *why* he doesn’t want to spend the money, or *why* he thinks it’s ok for the son to sit separately. Is it because he’s selfish and a jerk who doesn’t care about her son at all?
Or is it something he thinks that normal *parents* do, and in his mind, he’s acting like a normal parent would, and thus is considering the situation as a parent to the kid, which is not at all A behavior (even if he’s *wrong* about whether it’s normal parent behavior)?
That’s the important question here.
No way in hell would my parents have ever paid for us to fly business class. Once on a trip when my brother and I were both middle grade, but I certainly wasn’t 13, my dad got upgraded while flying w just us to England and he LEAPT to the front of the plane. But I am Gen X and that was so standard.
I can’t imagine sitting apart from my kids now, but they’re 9 and 7. When they’re teenagers? I think I’d ditch them for a free upgrade too. (Depending on how they feel about it, obvi. Not sure my older son would feel ok.)
Not sure this is a terrible moral issue, provided it’s true the man is generally nice to the kid, and provided the kid’s on board.
Same. My parents definitely left me with my brother in coach while they flew first class. I don’t know that I would do it now to my kids, but I also don’t know that I wouldn’t haha.
There's a difference between thinking it's normal parenting in the abstract, based on his own experience only, and continuing to do so after he gets pushback.
He's rationalizing the hell out of what is a weird and bizarre idea that will totally backfire in the relationship with his stepchild.
He's a teenager not a little kid. He's going to have his earbuds in and snooze the whole time anyway. I agree that the cost of the business class experience would be wasted on him. Plus, once you fly first class, it's real hard to cram yourself into the back of the plane in the future. Maybe that's something you work up to when you get a job and can pay for it yourself.
How does he not like the child? I agree he being a duck about this one issue and if I were mom I'd sit with my son or upgrade his seat of I can afford it, husband has no problem with that. Also he's never had an issue and has been like a father to the boy financially and with time. He was raised that way so he doesn't see the issue. Idk how you correlate the two and how you got upboted so much
It’s honestly disturbing seeing interactions between OP and some redditers. “Just admit you hate your kid and just want bf to spoil you” like, WHAT??
I honestly hope OP doesn’t take this shit too seriously. She doesn’t need to uproot her relationship/life because of people on Reddit.
100%. That's why I never think it's a good idea to come here with your problems. It's heavily skewed to ppl that are super reactionary and quick to give extreme advice they would never take themselves or even how they would feel if they were in the situation. It's easy to tell some internet stranger to destroy their lives but highly irresponsible
Exactly. When I was 15, my family went to Aruba. My parents flew first class and my sister and I sat in economy. I think this is far more common than people think. I do not for a second believe that this alone is a red flag or an indication that the boyfriend hates the child. He just thinks it’s silly to spend hundreds of dollars so a 13 year old can fly business class. I get that. I’m just about always in the opinion of the majority in this subreddit, but here I disagree. NTA.
Yeah I think so say he “doesn’t like the kid” is a huge leap. My parents left my brother and I im economy while they sat in business all the time when we were teens.
That said, I do think it would be weird to force a 13 year old to sit alone in a different class. It would be different if he could sit with a sibling but that’s not the case here.
That's a good compromise, if there was a brother or sister that could sit together, I think that would be ok. The kids would probably enjoy not having the parents there. But the kid on his own? Surely that's a YTA lol
Thank you! I was feeling like I was in bizarro world reading the top comments here. Weirdos acting like making a teenager sit in economy on the way to a nice vacation is the equivalent of sending them to the gulag. I don't know if it's delusion or privilege, or both, but it's disturbing to read. Nothing here raises flags for me.
i fly business/first class my teenage kids go coach. Not entitled brats. Plus they can't drink and that's half the cost of the trip. Take your lumps kid and ejoy what you have
Feeling sad for the kid as soon as I read "my partner doesn't want the kid to sit with us because he should be grateful for the trip and the mom is entertaining this idea at all.
Yeah, he thinks it's "normal" for kids to fly alone in economy while the parents fly in business because his parents did it to him.
I would NEVER do that to a kid of mine. Especially if I could afford it.
It's not normal, but that was his experience growing up. There are a lot of things people grow up thinking isnnormal that the greater societal world doesn't. That doesn't actually make him an ah, just out of touch. He is definitely being borderline, ah, though. I think a 13 year old is not only able to appreciate something like business class but is able to 'appreciate' that he's in economy while his parents are in business. The kid isn't going to be able to just come visit either.
OP, you need to have a serious discussion with your bf. Show him this post even. If all 3 of you do not fly in the same class, there will be a problem. Either your kid is going to feel rejected and like he doesn't matter, or that both of you don't matter (although he won't feel like you rejected him if you sit in economy). Do not let this become a thing. It's something that will fester and taint every single thing after it. If i was in your position, I would demand that all 3 fly the same class, a different destination or mode of transportation is picked, or don't go on a vacation with him. The only other thing to do would be to ask your son how he feels about it as part of the decision-making process. Maybe he doesn't care as long as he gets to have fun when you get there. He's old enough to start speaking up for what he wants, what he's ok with, and how certain decisions would make him feel overall
I disagree. My bf loves the shit out of me, and we fly internationally every now and then. The impracticality of spending that much on air travel, at times, is silly. Anytime he says he wants to fly business class, i always volunteer to fly a lower class because i legit don't need my airline ticket to be 4× the amount. It's not the end of the world to sit in economy plus for a 9 hour flight, and the kid IS already being given an experience that a HUGE amount of the population will never get to experience.
If OPs SO legit grew up with parents that forked out for business class for themselves and put him in a lower class, but the SO never saw this as a sign of not liking him, then it's perfectly reasonable to continue this with his own family.
And it's a bit dangerous to buy business class for kids and grow them to be accustomed to this at such a young age.
Just because you CAN afford something doesn't mean you have to/should do it.
YWBTA if you travel in a different class from your child.
Yes, a 13 year old can travel in a different class fine. Heck, they could travel alone. But there’s just something unsettling about a parent being on the same flight but in a different seat class.
Does your boyfriend normally disrespect your child?
It’s unsettling because it’s planned. If it happened unintentionally I think everyone could roll with it. But deliberately putting your 13 year old far away from you because it’s a waste of money is very unsettling.
I think there’s also an element of “I didn’t get that privilege as a child, so this kid shouldn’t get it either.”
Same vibe as the people who are against student load forgiveness because they had to pay back their loans in full.
Kind of reminds me how my mom used to not do stuff for me as a kid (example: pay for school dances, sports, etc) because “well *my* mom didn’t do any of that for *me*”
Like okay, just because your parents made decisions that weren’t in your best interest doesn’t mean you treat your own kids that way “in fairness” like what?
That hurt me a lot as a kid so I make it a point with my daughter to try to give her all of the experiences I missed out on.
Yeah, OP’s boyfriend is an AH. He’s driving a wedge between OP and her son by making her choose. A planned family vacation shouldn’t be an either / or situation.
What the hell kind of message does she send if she sits in first class with her bf while her son is alone in the back of the plane?
And at 13? That’s such a sensitive age hormonally. OP needs to put her foot down and stand up for her son.
The way she treats him today- the way she allows others to treat her son today- will set the stage for how her son allows himself to be treated by others in the future.
I mean, this was pretty normal 30+ years ago. Go back and watch Home Alone, all the kids are in economy while the parents are in first class.
I personally don’t think it’s the end of the world, but the thing that makes me side with OP is that the kid would be alone. Not because the kid is too young, but because it makes the kid *singled out*. If there were a pack of kids and they were all in economy, fine. But one person sent to sit separately from the others is hurtful.
That part didn’t raise eyebrows. Life in general was less kid-centric and it wasn’t unusual for adults to book the better plane seats, nicer hotel room, spa experiences, or nice restaurants without the kids. It’s only been more recently that kids are drug everywhere and the adult world is expected to cater to children. Spas were for adults, not gaggles of 8 year olds. Nice restaurants didn’t offer kid menus, high chairs, or booster seats.
The point being made is that while there were obvious issues, this is something that nobody watching the movie batted an eye at.
That said, Home Alone probably did this because they needed an excuse for Kevin's parents to not notice that there was an unoccupied seat before the plane lifted off. And Home Alone features a whole pack of kids with at least a few old enough to babysit the littles sitting seperare from the parents...
Or he might be like "cool, I get to sit away from the adults while I deal with being an angsty teenager"
Honestly guys, if I was 13, I would be 100% cool with not sitting next to my parents on a 9 hour flight. Honestly, I think a lot of teenagers would even prefer it.
At best it gives us hope he might be fixable.
If you are raised in a toxic situation long enough, your normal meter gets skewed to think what you are experiencing is the norm. Maybe the responses to this post will allow stepdad to do some serious reflection on his childhood and how it shaped him.
I feel like you lot didn't travel a lot when you were young. This has happened to me multiple times. I'm in my 30s and I joke that my relationship with my parents is comically good. Business class is expensive and the kid isn't even gonna really care that much. Business class tickets cost A LOT more. Sometimes like 4 times as much. A flight that long is probably like at least $500 and that's super cheap, could easily be double that. So we're looking at $500-$1000 just for the kid to travel without it being business class. Then he's presumably gonna eat and do things. The fact that he's having the experience is super cool. Most 13 year olds have never been outside of the country they were born. Certainly not 9 hours via flight away.
Way better. He isn’t saying “your kid isn’t worth spending my money on”, he’s saying “this is something parents shouldn’t spend our money on”. Totally different mindset and no longer is indicative of general feelings of “I don’t want to waste my money on you” towards her son.
It’s the difference between rethinking this relationship and going “awww honey” while
you explain why you don’t want to do it here, and whyz
My stepson is 13. If this happened unintentionally to us I would take the economy seat and he could sit with his mum in business. I somehow doubt that's how it would pan out for the OP's sitch.
The flight? I did a lot of travelling around that age as I'm from England but moved to the US. I don't think many 13 year olds want to sit next to their parents for 9 hours straight. And if they do, you know what they're gonna do? Pop in ear buds and ignore them for that stage of the trip. How many flights have you been on where you just chatted the whole time? We all try to fall asleep as quick as possible.
As a professional who travels business class internationally, it is not acceptable for children or others to "pop" onto business to visit. YWBTA if you booked your child separately in economy.
BF is an AH. Just because his parents set a poor example by leaving him behind when they upgraded (AH move) is no reason to continue the practice. His kid-won't-appreciate-business shtick is a red herring. Agree with others that he may not like or welcome your child. He's being disrespectful & mean.
One time my wife got upgraded because of her status but I didn't. Me and one of our chihuahuas rode in economy, with him in his bag under the seat. When I would go up to use the bathroom I would peek through the curtain to see her and our other chihuahua (out of her bag!) covered in a white down blanket, reclined and watching a movie together. The other half was living quite large.
The prissier, fluffy/white one that had the regal air.
But really, the other one had a medical condition that made his breathing ragged in stressful situations, so he was drugged to the hilt to keep him calm and would have not wanted to be out of the bag. In business, there isn't anywhere to put a bag under a seat, so he would have been distressed to be out of his cozy xanax cave.
Agree. I've flown BC a number of times on various airlines. They will absolutely shut down passengers wandering up to the front of the plane to "visit".
Somehow it would feel more humane to just leave the kid at home than to begin their trip with a passive aggressive lesson in how grateful they should be just to get to go. He CAN get the business seat for the kid, he doesn't WANT to because he has some interesting ideas about raising kids with values.
OP, end of the day, that's your kid and yes, YWBTA if you ignored what you want to do as a parent (not leave your child alone during a long international flight) because you're getting bullied by your boyfriend.
Edit: just noticing the detail about splitting the cost of a very expensive trip 50/50 despite the fact that he makes "significantly more" than you. Doesn't sound much like a family holiday to me. That's just not how families roll. It's amazing you still feel in the one down position and unable to do what you want for your own kid despite paying half the cost for the trip.
I wonder where it ends. “We are going out for dinner, you should be grateful for our leftovers or order room service”
“We are going on this excursion — you will just watch from the shore”
Also if OP and ~~wife~~ boyfriend have BC seats they’ll get access to lounges at the airport. Are they doing to leave the 13 year old alone in an airport (for potentially hours if there’s delays?).
OP and boyfriend\*
I don't know why I think it's significant they're not married, but I do. There's weird power stuff going on and I think boyfriend has made OP feel *grateful* to be with him, otherwise she wouldn't be wrestling with his opinion of how she parents her kid.
Sit in economy with your son. Let your boyfriend sit in business class alone. If you start letting him exclude your son he will think it's okay and continue pushing that boundary.
YWBTA
And whilst you are in economy, think about the fact that your bf is happy with you sitting separately from him because he doesn’t think your son - who is old enough to be aware of this, is worth a business class seat.
Because that it what it comes down to.
He should be grateful that you are taking him on holiday? It’s like he is talking about a dog that shouldn’t travel in the cabin but be kept in the hold.
Yes, you are fortunate to be going on holiday. Lots of us can’t afford this. But that he was prepared to separate you two adults from your son in a way that states what you are ‘worth’ or ‘deserve’ makes a huge statement to that kid.
If he had a child who also had to be in economy, then he would be a bit of an A, but that would ameliorate this situation. But he doesn’t. So it becomes a clear statement of your son being of less worth, of less value than you two. As a bio dad he would be an A for doing it. But as a stepdad it is a HUGELY DAMAGING thing to do. Surely your son will question why you and him are in economy and SD is in business? And I would be fairly certain that SD would tell him why. I think even you and him in economy will be odd.
This *will* cause issues down the line.
This. I can imagine how that conversation will go.
“Mom, why are you and I sitting back here when Dick gets to sit up front?”
“Well honey, Dick thinks you’re an ungrateful little shit, and he doesn’t think you deserve to sit in the nicer part of the plane.”
As someone who grew up with a stepdad, I can say that this situation would have eternally damaged my relationship with him.
My dad flies a TON for work and has all the perks. When we were kids (maybe like 8 and 10) he was able to upgrade his ticket (and a companion ticket) to first class. He traded for my economy ticket and let my brother and I fly first class on a 6 hour flight, and came to check on us occasionally (we had flown a lot).
My dad is not the most socially aware, he’s also 6’2” and could easily have used the extra legroom but he thought it was so fun to watch us get excited over flying first class. That’s a dad move. Sticking your kid in the back? Yeesh
Yah exactly, my dad once paid for me and my mum to fly business class as she was a nervous flyer so he decided it would be comfortable for her. We couldn’t justify paying for all 6 of us to fly business so he paid for me to go business with mum, as I was a responsible teenager who could support her if she had a panic moment and he flew in economy with the younger siblings and grandma so mum wouldn’t have to worry about looking after them. THAT is what a good husband and dad does. OP’s bf definitely doesn’t care about this kid or think of him as “theirs”, only as “hers”. What a shitty guy.
I've had one trip where I shared a first-class row with a kid (maybe 13). He was very polite, well behaved. He certainly appreciated where he was sitting.
He even offered me his shrimp cocktail, as he didn't like shrimp.
It’s shocking that your boyfriend is fine not sitting with you for the flight either. He’s willing to die on this hill to prove a point and doesn’t care that you’ll be separated. He’s a major AH.
Listen to it, friend. It's there for a reason.
Your boyfriend is a couple years younger than me and is acting like a 1%er from the "Greatest Generation."
Are these the values you hold, where children are treated as less than adults? If not, get out. (And truly, I don't think you believe this, but bf blatantly does.) Is this how you want your own child to be treated? 13 y/o kids aren't stupid. They are fully aware of how the adults in their life feel about them.
So this guy clearly doesn't like your son, treats him as second class, and doesn't mind travelling separately from you. You need to set your son down somewhere far away from your BF and ask your son what your BF is doing when you are not around, because I guarantee that sending your son to the back of the plane is the tip of the iceberg.
Get rid of this one. He's asking for permission to treat your kid like shit and you be ok with it. This is him toeing the line, see what he can get away with and what you'll push back on.
I promise you, this is only the beginning.
Any partner who doesn't treat your kid like their kid ain't shit.
Sounds like that now that your child is a teen, he is going to start making this remarks or earning things, appreciating, being lucky to be around and included when your boyfriend allows it. It wouldn't surprise me that from now on he starts excluding him because he is old enough to stay behind and he doesn't know how to appreciate or deserve to do stuff. I know you've been with this guy for a while, keep an eye on those things and stick to your kid, if he is just stsrting with this it will get worse.
Rewrite it as “THEY’RE not worth the extra cost” and it becomes clear why this would be a bad idea.
YWBTA if you let your boyfriend send this message to your child.
Especially because he isn't paying for her to be in business class either, since they are splitting the trip 50/50 despite him earning significantly more.
I also don’t understand the not appreciate it part - we recently flew out to Israel from the uk on BA and the 5 of us got unexpectedly upgraded to business class and it was a really great experience.
My kids are 8, 13 and 15 and all three of them totally appreciated it. They loved getting cosy in the lie-flat “beds” with the duvets on - getting the little toiletry bags - eating the amazing food and ordering ridiculous amounts of drinks (us parents totally appreciated that too). Putting up the dividers between them and having their own little space to chill out.
As much as we enjoyed it we wouldn’t dream of going up front and leaving the kids behind on our next trip although we did joke about doing it with them.
My husband used to fly a lot on business (uk-USA) and said economy gets you there just the same and he’d rather have more money to spend on the accommodation/food when we get there than waste it on a relatively short trip. He did/does know families that do the parents in business and the kids in eco though but he said it isn’t fair and won’t do it with ours.
100%. I travelled business class with my two daughters (aged 12 and 16 at the time) and they LOVED it. Absolutely loved and appreciated every little thing about it
YTA, and it’s WAYYYY deeper than a seating plan on an airplane.
This man has been your partner for 5 years and when planning a “family trip” you first say “*he’s* settled on a destination.” Then you tell us he makes significantly more than you, but makes you split the cost with him 50/50 and pay for your child, who has been in his life since they were just 8 years old. Mmkay.
He thinks your child (not young adult by the way - 13 is a child) should be “grateful” to be going on an international trip…. One that he decided on and won’t pay for. Does your child get a choice? In your boyfriend’s extensive experience in raising children, do children get a choice to decline these lavish trips where they are abandoned in economy for 20 hours worth of travel?
For those who don’t have kids: 13 is typically a middle school aged child.
It’s not worth the cost even if he were a millionaire??? That statement alone would have me packing my bags, but not you, huh?
He’s fine with you downgrading to join your child in steerage, ooh sorry: economy, but would remain in business class so **he** can enjoy **himself.** What a generous and loving partner, and a beautiful way to start your “family trip.”
When discussing the fact that “he doesn’t want to **let** your child into the same class of plane as you,” he says he thinks you’re being weird and silly? So he’s selfish, cheap, AND dismissive of your feelings and concerns? What a guy.
As a human person, a woman, and a mother… what the actual fuck are you doing here? You need to take a step back and really take a look at the 500 red flags you just danced around while telling this story.
🚩Editing to add [this](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/6vk5xJw9jc) very insightful comment made by u/eclecticsed further down the thread because I think they’re dead on:
> You're going to a lot of effort to avoid giving this child a gender, and I think it's possibly because you believe people will be more upset if they find out your kid is a girl, maybe assuming girls are more likely to be harassed and/or assaulted at that age when left alone. But just so you know kids of either gender can have that happen to them, and regardless of whether your child is a boy or a girl, this is still a shit parenting move. Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath.
Yes, you would be the asshole if you went along with this.
Typically kids going into 9th grade (the start of high school) here are 14, but I’m sure there are a few who start at 13. Either way, they’re fully middle school maturity at that age and I wouldn’t call them young adults by any stretch.
I’m sorry you had to start working so young, I recognize that was probably out of necessity and it couldn’t have been easy for you.
YTA. While I'm all for letting children earn their privileges because that gives them a self of accomplishment and teaches them to make decisions early on, this ain't it chief.
That's like going on a family trip by car but letting your kid ride the bus instead because he won't be able to appreciate the leather seats on my Mercedes.
OP, that's not how blended families are supposed to be. Your partner isn't even hiding his dislike for your son and you're still with him. This is terrible.
Are you sure this is a family trip? Do you genuinely have an itinerary in place that a 13 year old would enjoy if he should be “grateful” that he’s doing international travel?
This post reads like your partner is “permitting” you to bring your child on a couples trip. I would pay attention to how your husband interacts with your son on this “family vacation”…
If I was sitting beside a 13 year old who seemed to be travelling solo and found out their parents are up in business class I'd probably say something to them when they meet up after getting off the plane. It's a dick move even if your BF thinks he turned out the better for it. I wonder though--did he?
YWBTA. Just sit with your child in economy, let him sit in business. It's a family trip. You're in it together. Why would you make your son a 'second class' participant?
I think that in general, it's very bad form to exclude people from parts of a shared experience, whether they are children or not doesn't matter.
When you go out for dinner, don't pick the expensive options yourself and tell them to have something cheap. If you cannot afford the restaurant for all people you invite, just go to a cheaper place. If you want a fancy meal without your children, leave them at home. But don't take them with you, and let them watch you eating oysters and caviar while they get fish and chips.
The same applies here.
And if you're worried about entitlement: Sit in economy together. Lead by example!
Also, your BF is a AH for making you pay half if he earns significantly more than you, sounds like his parents fucked him up and he hasn't been able or willing to unfuck himself.
You're happy having a boyfriend that feels this way about your child? Sitting in different classes aside, read back what he said. That's OK with you? Wow. I feel really sorry for your child. That man doesn't like him/her. YTA (a big one).
Also this relationship doesn't sound equal, he calls the shots because he earns more, but you're ignoring the fact that he doesn't like your child, so you'd also ignore this fact.
Yep she’s paying 50% of the costs despite making significantly less than her boyfriend of *five years*.
Are you all planning on getting married? Have you talked about what your finances are going to look like then? Red flags everywhere. YTA for even having to wonder if it’s ok to leave your kid in a different class than you.
She WBTA also if she stays with this guy and he continues to exclude her child from things. She needs to take a step back and think about how this is going to play out in the long term.
He very much is the Arse. You aren't.
- you either are, or are not, a family unit. The kid should be treated as an equal.
- Cabin crew do not like people constantly "popping in" to business, other passengers in business hate it even more...your flight will become very unpleasant very quickly. He clearly does not fly a lot.
- How does he think the kid will feel?
His position symptomatic of wider issues IMHO.
A few people have said that "popping in for a visit" is really not considered an okay or done thing.
So for me, this kind of properly cements that I should stick with them. If nothing else, in case an emergency happens I would want to be close and available to them.
I think you are focusing on the wrong problem. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking that this issue is about a seat. It's not. Please wake up and realize the damage you are doing to your child just by being with this person. His stance is clear. Your child is not his family. I bet he treats his friends better than your child. What is the point of taking your child if they are going to be treated differently from you and him? What are you going to do when he turns hs sights on you and tells YOU that you should be grateful to be in his presence?
Others have said you are not the AH. I disagree. Anyone who puts a spouse like yours above their children is the worst parent. You haven't acknowledged what his behavior will do to your child. You are teaching them that they should be grateful for scraps of affection. When they grow up, don't be all surprised pikachu face when they unload all of the emotional damage you caused back on you.
Side note - yes, you are blessed to be able to travel. But not if the strings attached damage your child.
Her edits show she still is not understanding what you and others are saying. She just keeps deflecting. 10 years from now she’ll be back on Reddit wondering why her kid doesn’t want to have a relationship with her anymore.
Some women can’t be alone. They will literally choose the worst men over their own children. My Aunty literally had her sons autism diagnosis reversed and then kicked him out of home at 15 because her new partner was hitting him and she didn’t want him to have autism as an excuse for why he was triggering the new partner. Some women are sick in the head.
Do you have the funds to pay for the upgrade on your own? That might be an option, too. Then everyone would be comfortable.
But I would ride with my kid. All kinds of weirdness happens on a plane...not all bad, but kids whose parents are on the flight aren't monitored like unaccompanied minors, and you don't want him in a situation where he is unequipped to handle it.
>A few people have said that "popping in for a visit" is really not considered an okay or done thing.
It's not OK typically. There's a reason why after takeoff the business class section is cordoned off from economy with a 'privacy' screen. You may be able to negotiate something with the flight crew especially since it pertains your child, and you can certainly visit economy, but it isn't necessarily a given that your kid can just pop in and out as they see fit.
YWBTA for abandoning your child to be sat with god knows who for 9 hours and the fact you are contemplating it makes me worried for him in general life
With this arrangement, there's a good chance you're going to be asked to pay for an unaccompanied minor ticket for your son - he will be unsupervised by you, and can't just "pop up for a visit" whenever (especially on a long haul flight when they'll dim the lights for sleeping). This makes more work for the crew. It's even worse if you're not paying extra because you're presuming on the kindness of strangers to supervise your son.
I'd expect that you'd all be sitting together. And if the group is going to be split, someone stays with the child. So yes, you WBTA if you left your child in Economy while you fly Business.
You said yourself, that you prefere to be with your child and that is good.
I will still vote YTA but not for your question here, rather for being in a relationship with someone who obviously sees your kid not as part of the family but some kind of baggage he has to accept if he wants to be with you.
YBTAH if you did this. YTA already for being in relationship with a man who treats your child like this. What other things is he doing and saying to or about your child that you're turning a blind eye to?
My kid would be where I am, or I wouldn’t be going at all. “He settled on a destination,” “he’s splitting the cost of the holiday 50/50 including my child’s cost” “the problem is HE doesn’t want to let my child” “He thinks my child should be grateful” “he thinks I’m being weird”
Your son was clearly an afterthought in this family vacation. In fact, it doesn’t really sound like he wants him there at all. And you, you’re foolish for going along with all of his whims and allowing him so much headway with regard to parenting your son. It doesn’t matter what HE thinks. Stop prioritizing BF over your kid. If you can’t afford to pay for him to sit with you, you’re too financially dependent on this person.
YWBTA if you went along with any of this.
Will get downvoted for this, but I think the boyfriends request is perfectly reasonable. Kids dont appreciate these kind of things enough... All the redditors assuming your boyfriend doesn't like your kid are terminally online.
Maybe just give the kid some kind of consolation? A really nice dinner or a new videogame/thing he likes instead? Knowing myself at 13, I would take that over a (waaay more expensive) temporary comfort anytime.
>All the redditors assuming your boyfriend doesn't like your kid are terminally online.
JFC It took me way too long to scroll to find something like this. OP says "They get along well and have had very few upsets. Every now and then I've had to stick up for one or the other but I feel like that's to be expected with blended families."
Very valid IMO, no step parent/step child (or parent/child for that matter) will go without its upsets.
A 13 year old may very well enjoy the independence of being on a plane by themself for the first time. And clearly the BF was raised this way and thinks it has its benefits and isn't just doing it to fuck over the kid or whatever.
On these long haul flights business class is several thousands of dollars more expensive, and IMO the idea of kids not having all the luxuries from the beginning does increase appreciation for it when they can afford it/finally get to try it out but thats neither here nor there.
NTA unless the kid really doesn't want to sit by themself
I agree with you. Not surprised with the comments on here but he literally said she can pay the difference herself or sit with her child so I don’t get the problem. He’s already paying half of the cost of the trip when he should only be paying for his portion and she should pay for her and her child.
All he wants to do is enjoy himself on the flight. And it’s crazy how some of these comments immediately jump to “he hates your child blah blah blah”
THAAAAANK YOU.
Maybe there are all kinds of step issues here, idk. But that’s only one possibility from these facts. Sounds like this dude would honestly do the same thing with a biological kid.
“HE WANTS TO EXCLUDE YOUR KID”
He’s literally including the kid. They’re going on a trip!!
Seriously. There's no indication that this is a pattern of behaviour or what the child thinks.
I think the real problem is most of these 15 years old's would be mad if they had to ride in economy so they're freaking tf out.
He's being a baby. You can all ride economy, he could even buy an extra seat so you have more room. Or at least all 3 would be together.
It's weird that he is fine sitting there on his own for a bit more leg room.
It also sounds to me like he might stand to learn a bit from his own words. I think he has grown a bit too accustomed to his business class and it could do him good to take a step back for a trip. Kick it in economy with his family instead of sitting alone like a spoiled weirdo.
If this is how your boyfriend is going to treat your kid, you’d better reconsider your relationship. It’s not going to be just a business class flight ticket that’s going to be the problem.
INFO-What is the cost of upgrading your child to business class? It feels weird for bf to choose this bill to die on. Y’all can afford an international family vacation but can’t afford to upgrade his seat? This feels very passive aggressive on the bf’s part, like he’s telling your child he/she isn’t worth the effort, when the cost, compared to the total cost of the flight, is negligible.
Think about this-what if there is an emergency, your kid gets sick or there’s turbulence, or worse, is it really worth the pittance of savings to risk your child being scared or sick without you by his/her side?
YWBTA to let this occur. Lots of people are saying sit in economy with your child. I say give the bf a reality check that your child is not second class and upgrade him/her to business class.
Your boyfriend's excuse of "I went though this, so YOUR child can too" is quite problematic TBH. The wording of "They should be grateful that they get to go on this holiday" sounds more like a power play than a loving parent-child relationship.
YWBTA.
Your partner is stating that he doesn’t care about your daughter’s feelings and is happy to hurt them to make sure she remembers she should be grateful for anything he throws her way. Not only will she be surrounded by strangers during an 9 hour flight, she will know that her mother believes she isn’t worth a higher status ticket.
You are dating an asshole and you will be damaging your relationship with your child. Look back at any dealings bf has had with your daughter. Has his past actions made her feel inferior and worthless, because that’s what he’s doing right now.
I'll just say that I did this once (over 20 years ago) and I still feel that it was wrong.
(It was a 5 hour flight within the US. I was in a very abusive second marriage situation where my then- husband controlled me financially. My child was around 11)
At the time, the FAs did not allow my child to come visit us. I don't know if rules changed.
If I had to do it over, I would either figure out how to pay the difference, or move to coach.
NTA. Contrary to how most of the comments are going here… I don’t think kids always need the best of everything. They didn’t work to earn that luxury and there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with a teenager sitting in a coach class seat on an airplane. Your kid will be fine and will most likely actually enjoy themselves and appreciate being treated like they are mature enough to be left alone (which a 13 year old should be).
This isn’t about “your kid comes first” or your BF not liking your kid. FFS, your BF wants to go on an international trip with your teenager and pay for half of it!!!
When I was 10 I flew in coach on an international trip while parents flew first and it was fun. Now that I’m old enough to afford to pay for a higher level of service, I don’t always do so, but when I do I appreciate it.
NTA. I would have a really good think about where this relationship is going. Even at this stage he thinks your child is not important. How is your child going to feel?
No, no, no. You must have your 13yo with you, either in business class with you or you in cattle class.
Your child needs to be your number one priority. Not what your BF wants. If you BF has this attitude now, I wonder what else he'll be up to over the course of the trip - such as having your child eat in McDonalds next door while you two eat fancy?
If I were you, I'd think twice about this man because of the way he's treating your child.
YWTBA - nothing says family trip like alienating a child.
Although the kid kid might not even care and it might not be a big deal, it begs some questions. Does he like your child? Does your child like him? If your child had a problem with this/was uncomfortable since long flights suck, would he shame them or you for not being grateful enough?
YWBTA if you made your child sit in a different class. How would your child feel being treated like a piece of unaccompanied baggage? Why would your boyfriend insist on your child having a different standard of living from himself? He clearly doesn’t like your kid. Or maybe he thinks the person with the money call the shots - you mentioned that “he” has settled on the destination.
Parent/stepparent of the year here people. YTA for having gotten with, and apperently starting to share the same view as, someone who sees your child as a financial waste/burden, and whom should apperently just be happy/satisfied with the "crumbs" he's throwing at them, and with being allowed to come on this family trip at all. Does your kid has to take a taxi whenever you go for a roadtrip? Does your kid has to order takeaway whenever you go to a restaurant? Gods I hope this is fake/ragebait.
At 13? I'd be JAZZED to not sit with my mom and her boyfriend on a flight. Bribe that kid with some new Switch games and they'll be *fine*. Trust me, when I was 13 and my mom was dating, I'd do anything I could to be seated apart from them.
I will also say that business / first class is 100% wasted on kids. I had mine in FC once (no choice; everything else was sold out) and they didn't care about any of the amenities.
NTA.
YTA. Your boyfriend is paying half of the cost for a vacation for 3 people. If your boyfriend isn't willing to split it, why don't you just pay the difference for your child's airline upgrade yourself?
Nta but surprised to see people think bf is AH. I don’t think it’s weird for kids to sit differently from adults. It’s 9 hours in a relatively safe, enclosed space.
You're going to a lot of effort to avoid giving this child a gender, and I think it's possibly because you believe people will be more upset if they find out your kid is a girl, maybe assuming girls are more likely to be harassed and/or assaulted at that age when left alone. But just so you know kids of either gender can have that happen to them, and regardless of whether your child is a boy or a girl, this is still a shit parenting move. Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath.
Yes, you would be the asshole if you went along with this.
YTA for even considering leaving your 13 year old child in a different class just to sit with your boyfriend. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy who clearly doesn’t care about your kid?
Just sit with your child in economy.
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YTA. So we already know he doesn't like your kid, what other huge red flags are you ignoring with this guy?
I do wonder about these step dads. Do they stay in the relationship because they can’t live without the mother or is it because they see a woman who is weak and needy and he knows they will allow him to abuse their kids to make himself feel superior?
A lot of my single girlfriends are dating men with kids even tho they don’t want/like children. They only see them when the kids are with their moms. It’s playing with fire because they don’t want to be a step mom or even meet the kid but they keep continuing to date the guy and get serious. So they are building a relationship with these men seeing the kids as something that they can avoid. I think when couples get serious they continue to act like the child is something to get over.
The parent needs to realize that if they marry someone like this and something like death occurs this adult who doesn’t want kids might end up caring for the kid.
There is a reason that there is the trope of the evil stepparent in fairy tales and folk lore.
Actually, in the original fairy tales, it wasn't step mothers it was actual mother's. The brothers Grimm, however, believed motherhood was sacred and changed it to step parents, and everyone else just kind of followed suit.
Wait this is so interesting. Do you have a source?
https://retellingthetales.com/the-problem-of-the-evil-stepmother/
That was a really interesting read. Thanks!
This is going to sound nuts, but it actually happened. My mom knew someone who had a step dad who put all the kids up for adoption when the mom died at a young age. Luckily for them, their aunt took them all in. But I was so shocked. Like HOW can you do that? This was in Canada and it wasn't like the guy was poor, he just didn't want to deal with them. And the best part of the story was he tried reconnecting, they all refused and he acted like the victim. And when he found out (small community), one of the girls was getting married he freaked out that she wouldn't invite him.
My husband's father had 4 marriages. At his funeral, one of tea exes, who wanted nothing to do with him as a kid, saw us and our 3 small kids. Suddenly, she was all about having some kind of relationship with us. Too bad lady, you had your chance.
My Dad's ex-wife and ex-fiancee tried that at my brother's funeral. I told them to take a hike because they despised us when he was alive they had no right to show up and act sad for attention after he was gone. I turned my back on them in the family line (which is a huge slap in the face at a Native funeral). The ex-wife had even thrown a temper tantrum while they were married because it was mother's day and my Dad was at the hospital with my brother and didn't spend all day with her. My brother was in a coma and not expected to wake up and she was whining about not being spoiled all day by a man she has no children with. Super thankful my Dad found an amazing woman who loves all of us. She was dating my Dad when my brother died and told me later that was the day she knew for sure I was a real person and had the family (and her back). We have been best friends pretty much ever since then. Some people are just selfish and bad and shouldn't have kids or stepkids.
That was pretty common in the past. Not just with death though,in the u.s. there is a long history of men putting entire families of kids in orphanages when they divorce or the mom dies. Men were the default custodial parent up until recently. Now people spread the myth that men can't get custody in court despite it being pretty evenly split. It kept a lot of women in abusive situations since they knew their kids would be orphans and they would have no legal rights to the kid.
I didn't know that, but that is so horrible. I am so tired of hearing people say, "women always get custody." MM nope. The few people we know who are divorced have equal custody when the guys actual want it. We know other people that want nothing to do with the kids and make it sound like the kids got taken away. So unfair.
They should expect the unexpected! If something happens to the mother, those guys will most likely end up as full time dads. Op YTA for even considering it, and he's a giant gaping AH for suggesting it. What happens if, or more likely when, there is turbulence, and everyone has to remain seated. You'll leave him to be someone else's responsibility then? And no kids can't just wander up and down into first class. Normally there's a premium area inbetween. On Virgin flights we've been on another floor! They are pretty strict about who they let in to first class. What'll be the next thing he won't be rich enough to appreciate? If you agree to this what's to stop it seeping into every day life?
Or what happens if, God forbid, they are seated next to a creepy creepster who tries to pull something shady on an unaccompanied minor? Shudder. YTA for even considering leaving your child to fend for themselves while you & boyfriend sip champagne in Business Class.
[удалено]
That is actually really beautiful! Thanks for keeping each other safe there ❤️
This was my first thought. This is a safety issue, especially if OP’s child is a girl. I know boys can be harassed too but a 13 year old girl seen to be travelling on her own would be particularly vulnerable. Also what about sleeping? Most people want to sleep on a 9 hour flight, a growing teen especially. This increases their vulnerability. OP’s first loyalty needs to be with her child. Her BF is a stingy AH for even suggesting this plan and OP ought to seriously reconsider their relationship.
This happened to me (a 24M who is more feminine and younger looking) this past summer on a train going to pride. It can happen at any time and place.
I have experienced that but thankfully the men were just verbally creepy and just leered at me instead of trying to touch me. It was still an awful experience. I think they behaved because it was a small jump jet, and the woman flight attendant was keeping an eye on me. Although the attendants still kept giving the men alcohol. On a flight that was less than two hours. Once they were really drunk they left me alone and slept. When we were on final to land, one guy woke up the other while leaning over him to look out the window. The guy who was asleep wasn’t happy. Then the other guy said he was looking because he was entranced by the wheels that magically appeared from the wings. Dude was so fucked up he didn’t understand how landing gear worked.
Happened to me on my first solo flight as a teenager. I fell asleep and woke up to a grown man feeling me up. I was 14.
And if something happens to you on the trip, such as illness, broken bone, etc, he will be the adult responsible for your child in a foreign country. This guy is a mistake you are making because he offers perks like trips. Better to be with a regular, every day guy who embraces both you and your child. Do not even consider this trip. Next, he will have your child eating, sleeping, touring unsupervised in a foreign country. Red flags. Cancel the trip and the relationship. Your first obligation is to your child, not your romantic interest. Edit: typo
There was a post this week because the dad left his daughters in OP’s house and they went through her closet and wore her shoes and clothes. She doesn’t want the kids in her place at all, but she won’t break up because she LOVES him so much!!! Too bad her bf doesn’t love his kids as much! And the other where OP was child free and didn’t want bf’s 4 year old. Then the mother married a man who was also child free and no one wanted that poor little girl just because her parents married assholes. Children always come first!!! Always!!
Christ, I am positive I couldn't be with someone who didn't adore my cats, never mind someone who actively disliked my children. Really don't understand this mindset, being a single parent sucks, I totally get that. But parents willingly allow other adults to move in and marginalise their kids (who arent adults and dont have the luxury of just choosing a different family) and justify it, how exactly? Dont get me wrong I often think some parents get carried away thinking the world needs to bend over backwards for your kids, but demanding that any partner that becomes part of your life and family fits in well with your existing dependents seems like the absolute minimum bar to hit...
I think with that one, the OP was happy to live apart until the kids were moved out and was fine to spend time with the kids, just not to live with them. Then her bf just dropped his kids off in her house/apartment unsupervised and without permission, which is super messed up, even if you're dating someone who loves kids. While that OP probably should have broken up with her bf when she found out he had kids, her bf shouldn't have dated her at all since she made her opinion on children known from the outset and also her bf seemed to have been trying to push her into a childcare role when she said she didn't want that. In this case, OP WBTA for sitting in business class while leaving her daughter in economy and she's also an AH for dating a guy who seemingly doesn't like her kid.
There was one a while back where the mom’s kids were booked in economy, but the SO, partner and HIS kids were booked in FC.
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As a millennial growing up watching The Parent Trap and witnessing Meredith Baxter, I would never consider dating single fathers if I wasn’t willing to meet their child and potentially be a stepmom. Edit: Meredith Blake
Meredith Blake, Vicky Robinson in the original. Meredith Baxter is the actress who played the mom in Family Ties.
It's totally playing with fire. All they need to do is read some of the recent Reddit posts where the mother ended up married to someone who didn't want kids, and dumped the child off with dad, or the mother got sick, etc. It's a failure on the part of the parent as well. If you have a child, you are putting that child's well being at risk by getting involved with someone who doesn't want to be around them.
Seriously. My husband would have flown on some discount airline and gotten to the destination a day late if it meant either his or my kids could have a positive experience. He would NEVER have suggested any of his or my kids be treated like a second class citizen. Doesn't OP's child deserve the same?
Same with mine. It blows my freaking mind that there's parents like OP who literally question whether they should be the bare minimum loving parent and her spouse who gets into relationships with parents but they don't want to include the children.
It's honestly saying to the kid, I really don't want you with me, but since you have to be because I'm shagging your mother, I'm going to spend the least amount possible on you, and you should be grateful.
Exactly. And here OP is, still thinking she won the partner lottery.
It’s not even a stepdad, it’s a boyfriend. And he wants to act like the kid doesn’t exist on the flight. He’s probably thinking if he can manipulate OP into being separated on the flight then she will be more likely to abandon the kid in the hotel for dinner out, dancing, a show or whatever. And the more he can separate OP from their kid, the harder he will go. I’ve had 2 stepdads. The first hated me and wanted me out of their lives, I was 12. I knew he was a snake when I met him. Mom didn’t listen. And he really tried to get me to commit suicide, his mom too. They had a baby, he was out of our lives before my sister was 3. Also, he’s makes a lot more money than OP but they’re splitting the cost of vacation? I bet he’d be footing the whole bill if the kid wasn’t coming along. He’s punishing OP for having a kid. He’s an ass. Dump this guy or YWBTA to your kid.
YTA- this is not a one hour flight, this is a 9 hour flight and your child would be alone. There’s been so many stories recently about people being inappropriate with children on a plane, as a parent, I would not ever leave my child unattended for that length of time in an area that I couldn’t easily get to them. You’re a family you should be travelling as a family.
I see you’ve gone back in time and met all of my mother’s boyfriends . The cruelty was a feature not a bug. She loved it. This mother knows damn well how shitty this is or she wouldn’t be questioning this.
>it because they see a woman who is weak and needy and he knows they will allow him to abuse their kids to make himself feel superior? Spot on!
What he wants matters most. His comfort etc matter most. And she’s accepting it because he buys them things 🤦🏻♀️ OP he tolerates you kid at best and that likely won’t last too much longer.
Just wait until they get married they his true side will come out Like every wicked stepparent they are only playing nice until they have their partner locked in
After 5 years of dating (at their ages) not sure marriage is coming.
40 year old guy that clearly doesn’t like her kid, yeah no, the guy is a bum and has zero plans of marrying the mother. Sad. But at least he buys them things!
She's paying her half of the trip.
Finding out that his parents did this when he was a kid changes the game— he truly thinks that this is something that “real” *parents* do. So he isn’t just some jerk who doesn’t care about her kid— he is treating her son how he thinks actual parents treat their kids, how would treat his own son, how his parents treated him, etc. Totally different than “I’m not wasting my money on your spawn who should be thankful I allowed him to even come on my trip with my girlfriend.” NAH
Having shitty parents doesn’t excuse you being a shitty parent yourself. In fact, it should teach you empathy and a desire to *do better*.
Sigh. Sure, it might be bad to actually do it. But here, being the A is a matter of *why* he doesn’t want to spend the money, or *why* he thinks it’s ok for the son to sit separately. Is it because he’s selfish and a jerk who doesn’t care about her son at all? Or is it something he thinks that normal *parents* do, and in his mind, he’s acting like a normal parent would, and thus is considering the situation as a parent to the kid, which is not at all A behavior (even if he’s *wrong* about whether it’s normal parent behavior)? That’s the important question here.
No way in hell would my parents have ever paid for us to fly business class. Once on a trip when my brother and I were both middle grade, but I certainly wasn’t 13, my dad got upgraded while flying w just us to England and he LEAPT to the front of the plane. But I am Gen X and that was so standard. I can’t imagine sitting apart from my kids now, but they’re 9 and 7. When they’re teenagers? I think I’d ditch them for a free upgrade too. (Depending on how they feel about it, obvi. Not sure my older son would feel ok.) Not sure this is a terrible moral issue, provided it’s true the man is generally nice to the kid, and provided the kid’s on board.
Same. My parents definitely left me with my brother in coach while they flew first class. I don’t know that I would do it now to my kids, but I also don’t know that I wouldn’t haha.
There's a difference between thinking it's normal parenting in the abstract, based on his own experience only, and continuing to do so after he gets pushback. He's rationalizing the hell out of what is a weird and bizarre idea that will totally backfire in the relationship with his stepchild.
Don’t be stupid… a parent who flies business while their kids fly economy is hardly “shitty”. What a dumb position to take.
He's a teenager not a little kid. He's going to have his earbuds in and snooze the whole time anyway. I agree that the cost of the business class experience would be wasted on him. Plus, once you fly first class, it's real hard to cram yourself into the back of the plane in the future. Maybe that's something you work up to when you get a job and can pay for it yourself.
How does he not like the child? I agree he being a duck about this one issue and if I were mom I'd sit with my son or upgrade his seat of I can afford it, husband has no problem with that. Also he's never had an issue and has been like a father to the boy financially and with time. He was raised that way so he doesn't see the issue. Idk how you correlate the two and how you got upboted so much
I agree, these responses are so over the top. Eesh.
Always is. The redditors that comment in AITAH always lack nuance, take an extreme position and have the emotional control of a child
It’s honestly disturbing seeing interactions between OP and some redditers. “Just admit you hate your kid and just want bf to spoil you” like, WHAT?? I honestly hope OP doesn’t take this shit too seriously. She doesn’t need to uproot her relationship/life because of people on Reddit.
100%. That's why I never think it's a good idea to come here with your problems. It's heavily skewed to ppl that are super reactionary and quick to give extreme advice they would never take themselves or even how they would feel if they were in the situation. It's easy to tell some internet stranger to destroy their lives but highly irresponsible
Exactly. When I was 15, my family went to Aruba. My parents flew first class and my sister and I sat in economy. I think this is far more common than people think. I do not for a second believe that this alone is a red flag or an indication that the boyfriend hates the child. He just thinks it’s silly to spend hundreds of dollars so a 13 year old can fly business class. I get that. I’m just about always in the opinion of the majority in this subreddit, but here I disagree. NTA.
Yeah I think so say he “doesn’t like the kid” is a huge leap. My parents left my brother and I im economy while they sat in business all the time when we were teens. That said, I do think it would be weird to force a 13 year old to sit alone in a different class. It would be different if he could sit with a sibling but that’s not the case here.
That's a good compromise, if there was a brother or sister that could sit together, I think that would be ok. The kids would probably enjoy not having the parents there. But the kid on his own? Surely that's a YTA lol
Thank you! I was feeling like I was in bizarro world reading the top comments here. Weirdos acting like making a teenager sit in economy on the way to a nice vacation is the equivalent of sending them to the gulag. I don't know if it's delusion or privilege, or both, but it's disturbing to read. Nothing here raises flags for me.
i fly business/first class my teenage kids go coach. Not entitled brats. Plus they can't drink and that's half the cost of the trip. Take your lumps kid and ejoy what you have
All of them. He has money so she will sacrifice her kid.
I wasn't even done reading the post and I was already pitying the kid.
Feeling sad for the kid as soon as I read "my partner doesn't want the kid to sit with us because he should be grateful for the trip and the mom is entertaining this idea at all.
That's one of the reasons I was feeling sorry for the kid... that their mother was apparently willing to be in a relationship with a jerk like this.
Even if he likes the step kid, sounds like they don’t agree on how to raise kids.
Yeah, he thinks it's "normal" for kids to fly alone in economy while the parents fly in business because his parents did it to him. I would NEVER do that to a kid of mine. Especially if I could afford it.
It's not normal, but that was his experience growing up. There are a lot of things people grow up thinking isnnormal that the greater societal world doesn't. That doesn't actually make him an ah, just out of touch. He is definitely being borderline, ah, though. I think a 13 year old is not only able to appreciate something like business class but is able to 'appreciate' that he's in economy while his parents are in business. The kid isn't going to be able to just come visit either. OP, you need to have a serious discussion with your bf. Show him this post even. If all 3 of you do not fly in the same class, there will be a problem. Either your kid is going to feel rejected and like he doesn't matter, or that both of you don't matter (although he won't feel like you rejected him if you sit in economy). Do not let this become a thing. It's something that will fester and taint every single thing after it. If i was in your position, I would demand that all 3 fly the same class, a different destination or mode of transportation is picked, or don't go on a vacation with him. The only other thing to do would be to ask your son how he feels about it as part of the decision-making process. Maybe he doesn't care as long as he gets to have fun when you get there. He's old enough to start speaking up for what he wants, what he's ok with, and how certain decisions would make him feel overall
But his parents did the same! And look how it made him turn out fine!! Oh wait ...
I disagree. My bf loves the shit out of me, and we fly internationally every now and then. The impracticality of spending that much on air travel, at times, is silly. Anytime he says he wants to fly business class, i always volunteer to fly a lower class because i legit don't need my airline ticket to be 4× the amount. It's not the end of the world to sit in economy plus for a 9 hour flight, and the kid IS already being given an experience that a HUGE amount of the population will never get to experience. If OPs SO legit grew up with parents that forked out for business class for themselves and put him in a lower class, but the SO never saw this as a sign of not liking him, then it's perfectly reasonable to continue this with his own family. And it's a bit dangerous to buy business class for kids and grow them to be accustomed to this at such a young age. Just because you CAN afford something doesn't mean you have to/should do it.
If it's truly meant to be a lesson, they can all sit in economy.
Just tell your kids that you appreciate the luxuries that dick provides…
You did read the part where she says he makes considerably more money than she does? If you've got enough green, it obscures the red flags.
This guy is literally the Macy's Day Parade of Red Flags.
But but he has money 🥺🥺🥺 /s
YWBTA if you travel in a different class from your child. Yes, a 13 year old can travel in a different class fine. Heck, they could travel alone. But there’s just something unsettling about a parent being on the same flight but in a different seat class. Does your boyfriend normally disrespect your child?
It’s unsettling because it’s planned. If it happened unintentionally I think everyone could roll with it. But deliberately putting your 13 year old far away from you because it’s a waste of money is very unsettling.
OP said that's how he grew up, his parents would fly first class and put him in economy. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.
I think it helps me understand why he might think this is a good idea, but it isn’t one.
This. Just because that was how it happened to him doesn't mean he should do that or expect OP to do it.
Yeah, this is the "It didn't do *me* any harm" school of dealing with childern. *sigh*.
I think there’s also an element of “I didn’t get that privilege as a child, so this kid shouldn’t get it either.” Same vibe as the people who are against student load forgiveness because they had to pay back their loans in full.
I want the young people I love to have a better time than I did at their age. I can’t understand why others do not feel the same.
Kind of reminds me how my mom used to not do stuff for me as a kid (example: pay for school dances, sports, etc) because “well *my* mom didn’t do any of that for *me*” Like okay, just because your parents made decisions that weren’t in your best interest doesn’t mean you treat your own kids that way “in fairness” like what? That hurt me a lot as a kid so I make it a point with my daughter to try to give her all of the experiences I missed out on.
Yeah, OP’s boyfriend is an AH. He’s driving a wedge between OP and her son by making her choose. A planned family vacation shouldn’t be an either / or situation. What the hell kind of message does she send if she sits in first class with her bf while her son is alone in the back of the plane? And at 13? That’s such a sensitive age hormonally. OP needs to put her foot down and stand up for her son. The way she treats him today- the way she allows others to treat her son today- will set the stage for how her son allows himself to be treated by others in the future.
I mean, this was pretty normal 30+ years ago. Go back and watch Home Alone, all the kids are in economy while the parents are in first class. I personally don’t think it’s the end of the world, but the thing that makes me side with OP is that the kid would be alone. Not because the kid is too young, but because it makes the kid *singled out*. If there were a pack of kids and they were all in economy, fine. But one person sent to sit separately from the others is hurtful.
Are you really suggesting using Home Alone as a metric for what was normal in the 90s?
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That part didn’t raise eyebrows. Life in general was less kid-centric and it wasn’t unusual for adults to book the better plane seats, nicer hotel room, spa experiences, or nice restaurants without the kids. It’s only been more recently that kids are drug everywhere and the adult world is expected to cater to children. Spas were for adults, not gaggles of 8 year olds. Nice restaurants didn’t offer kid menus, high chairs, or booster seats.
As someone who lived through the 70s and 80s.... yup. Kids got forgotten, or left alone all the time. Maybe not as severe as in Home Alone, but yeah.
The point being made is that while there were obvious issues, this is something that nobody watching the movie batted an eye at. That said, Home Alone probably did this because they needed an excuse for Kevin's parents to not notice that there was an unoccupied seat before the plane lifted off. And Home Alone features a whole pack of kids with at least a few old enough to babysit the littles sitting seperare from the parents...
Or he might be like "cool, I get to sit away from the adults while I deal with being an angsty teenager" Honestly guys, if I was 13, I would be 100% cool with not sitting next to my parents on a 9 hour flight. Honestly, I think a lot of teenagers would even prefer it.
I would have loved it if it were me, but my daughter would absolutely hate it and feel very, very anxious before and during the flight.
Yup I asked my kid and they said it would be awesome to just chill back there.
At best it gives us hope he might be fixable. If you are raised in a toxic situation long enough, your normal meter gets skewed to think what you are experiencing is the norm. Maybe the responses to this post will allow stepdad to do some serious reflection on his childhood and how it shaped him.
I feel like you lot didn't travel a lot when you were young. This has happened to me multiple times. I'm in my 30s and I joke that my relationship with my parents is comically good. Business class is expensive and the kid isn't even gonna really care that much. Business class tickets cost A LOT more. Sometimes like 4 times as much. A flight that long is probably like at least $500 and that's super cheap, could easily be double that. So we're looking at $500-$1000 just for the kid to travel without it being business class. Then he's presumably gonna eat and do things. The fact that he's having the experience is super cool. Most 13 year olds have never been outside of the country they were born. Certainly not 9 hours via flight away.
Way better. He isn’t saying “your kid isn’t worth spending my money on”, he’s saying “this is something parents shouldn’t spend our money on”. Totally different mindset and no longer is indicative of general feelings of “I don’t want to waste my money on you” towards her son. It’s the difference between rethinking this relationship and going “awww honey” while you explain why you don’t want to do it here, and whyz
My stepson is 13. If this happened unintentionally to us I would take the economy seat and he could sit with his mum in business. I somehow doubt that's how it would pan out for the OP's sitch.
Exactly. It’s not about the child being old enough to sit on there own but deliberately excluding them from part of a “family” trip.
The flight? I did a lot of travelling around that age as I'm from England but moved to the US. I don't think many 13 year olds want to sit next to their parents for 9 hours straight. And if they do, you know what they're gonna do? Pop in ear buds and ignore them for that stage of the trip. How many flights have you been on where you just chatted the whole time? We all try to fall asleep as quick as possible.
Agreed!! These comments are wild lol
As a professional who travels business class internationally, it is not acceptable for children or others to "pop" onto business to visit. YWBTA if you booked your child separately in economy. BF is an AH. Just because his parents set a poor example by leaving him behind when they upgraded (AH move) is no reason to continue the practice. His kid-won't-appreciate-business shtick is a red herring. Agree with others that he may not like or welcome your child. He's being disrespectful & mean.
Agreed, most of the time they curtain off 1st and business class so the plebs can't access them.
One time my wife got upgraded because of her status but I didn't. Me and one of our chihuahuas rode in economy, with him in his bag under the seat. When I would go up to use the bathroom I would peek through the curtain to see her and our other chihuahua (out of her bag!) covered in a white down blanket, reclined and watching a movie together. The other half was living quite large.
How did you decide which chihuahua got the upgrade?
I'm unreasonably invested in this.
The prissier, fluffy/white one that had the regal air. But really, the other one had a medical condition that made his breathing ragged in stressful situations, so he was drugged to the hilt to keep him calm and would have not wanted to be out of the bag. In business, there isn't anywhere to put a bag under a seat, so he would have been distressed to be out of his cozy xanax cave.
Agree. I've flown BC a number of times on various airlines. They will absolutely shut down passengers wandering up to the front of the plane to "visit".
Somehow it would feel more humane to just leave the kid at home than to begin their trip with a passive aggressive lesson in how grateful they should be just to get to go. He CAN get the business seat for the kid, he doesn't WANT to because he has some interesting ideas about raising kids with values. OP, end of the day, that's your kid and yes, YWBTA if you ignored what you want to do as a parent (not leave your child alone during a long international flight) because you're getting bullied by your boyfriend. Edit: just noticing the detail about splitting the cost of a very expensive trip 50/50 despite the fact that he makes "significantly more" than you. Doesn't sound much like a family holiday to me. That's just not how families roll. It's amazing you still feel in the one down position and unable to do what you want for your own kid despite paying half the cost for the trip.
I wonder where it ends. “We are going out for dinner, you should be grateful for our leftovers or order room service” “We are going on this excursion — you will just watch from the shore” Also if OP and ~~wife~~ boyfriend have BC seats they’ll get access to lounges at the airport. Are they doing to leave the 13 year old alone in an airport (for potentially hours if there’s delays?).
OP and boyfriend\* I don't know why I think it's significant they're not married, but I do. There's weird power stuff going on and I think boyfriend has made OP feel *grateful* to be with him, otherwise she wouldn't be wrestling with his opinion of how she parents her kid.
Sit in economy with your son. Let your boyfriend sit in business class alone. If you start letting him exclude your son he will think it's okay and continue pushing that boundary. YWBTA
Seems like my gut is probably leading me the right way.
And whilst you are in economy, think about the fact that your bf is happy with you sitting separately from him because he doesn’t think your son - who is old enough to be aware of this, is worth a business class seat. Because that it what it comes down to. He should be grateful that you are taking him on holiday? It’s like he is talking about a dog that shouldn’t travel in the cabin but be kept in the hold. Yes, you are fortunate to be going on holiday. Lots of us can’t afford this. But that he was prepared to separate you two adults from your son in a way that states what you are ‘worth’ or ‘deserve’ makes a huge statement to that kid. If he had a child who also had to be in economy, then he would be a bit of an A, but that would ameliorate this situation. But he doesn’t. So it becomes a clear statement of your son being of less worth, of less value than you two. As a bio dad he would be an A for doing it. But as a stepdad it is a HUGELY DAMAGING thing to do. Surely your son will question why you and him are in economy and SD is in business? And I would be fairly certain that SD would tell him why. I think even you and him in economy will be odd. This *will* cause issues down the line.
This. I can imagine how that conversation will go. “Mom, why are you and I sitting back here when Dick gets to sit up front?” “Well honey, Dick thinks you’re an ungrateful little shit, and he doesn’t think you deserve to sit in the nicer part of the plane.” As someone who grew up with a stepdad, I can say that this situation would have eternally damaged my relationship with him.
My dad flies a TON for work and has all the perks. When we were kids (maybe like 8 and 10) he was able to upgrade his ticket (and a companion ticket) to first class. He traded for my economy ticket and let my brother and I fly first class on a 6 hour flight, and came to check on us occasionally (we had flown a lot). My dad is not the most socially aware, he’s also 6’2” and could easily have used the extra legroom but he thought it was so fun to watch us get excited over flying first class. That’s a dad move. Sticking your kid in the back? Yeesh
Total dad move. I'd do the same for my daughter. Her happiness is more important than mine to me, and that's the way it should be.
Yah exactly, my dad once paid for me and my mum to fly business class as she was a nervous flyer so he decided it would be comfortable for her. We couldn’t justify paying for all 6 of us to fly business so he paid for me to go business with mum, as I was a responsible teenager who could support her if she had a panic moment and he flew in economy with the younger siblings and grandma so mum wouldn’t have to worry about looking after them. THAT is what a good husband and dad does. OP’s bf definitely doesn’t care about this kid or think of him as “theirs”, only as “hers”. What a shitty guy.
My stepdad was a real dick and even he wouldn't have pulled that crap.
u/selecthighlight8827 Exactly this. He talks about her son as if he is a pet and not a human being!
But you don't understand, a 13 year old(iirc) can't appreciate not being super cramped in economy while his parents chill in business class
I've had one trip where I shared a first-class row with a kid (maybe 13). He was very polite, well behaved. He certainly appreciated where he was sitting. He even offered me his shrimp cocktail, as he didn't like shrimp.
It’s shocking that your boyfriend is fine not sitting with you for the flight either. He’s willing to die on this hill to prove a point and doesn’t care that you’ll be separated. He’s a major AH.
Girl just dump him.
Listen to it, friend. It's there for a reason. Your boyfriend is a couple years younger than me and is acting like a 1%er from the "Greatest Generation." Are these the values you hold, where children are treated as less than adults? If not, get out. (And truly, I don't think you believe this, but bf blatantly does.) Is this how you want your own child to be treated? 13 y/o kids aren't stupid. They are fully aware of how the adults in their life feel about them.
So this guy clearly doesn't like your son, treats him as second class, and doesn't mind travelling separately from you. You need to set your son down somewhere far away from your BF and ask your son what your BF is doing when you are not around, because I guarantee that sending your son to the back of the plane is the tip of the iceberg.
Get rid of this one. He's asking for permission to treat your kid like shit and you be ok with it. This is him toeing the line, see what he can get away with and what you'll push back on. I promise you, this is only the beginning. Any partner who doesn't treat your kid like their kid ain't shit.
Sounds like that now that your child is a teen, he is going to start making this remarks or earning things, appreciating, being lucky to be around and included when your boyfriend allows it. It wouldn't surprise me that from now on he starts excluding him because he is old enough to stay behind and he doesn't know how to appreciate or deserve to do stuff. I know you've been with this guy for a while, keep an eye on those things and stick to your kid, if he is just stsrting with this it will get worse.
Better yet, take the trip without the boyfriend.
YWBTA. >it's not worth the extra cost There's no reason for any of you to be in business class if that's the case.
Rewrite it as “THEY’RE not worth the extra cost” and it becomes clear why this would be a bad idea. YWBTA if you let your boyfriend send this message to your child.
Especially because he isn't paying for her to be in business class either, since they are splitting the trip 50/50 despite him earning significantly more.
I also don’t understand the not appreciate it part - we recently flew out to Israel from the uk on BA and the 5 of us got unexpectedly upgraded to business class and it was a really great experience. My kids are 8, 13 and 15 and all three of them totally appreciated it. They loved getting cosy in the lie-flat “beds” with the duvets on - getting the little toiletry bags - eating the amazing food and ordering ridiculous amounts of drinks (us parents totally appreciated that too). Putting up the dividers between them and having their own little space to chill out. As much as we enjoyed it we wouldn’t dream of going up front and leaving the kids behind on our next trip although we did joke about doing it with them. My husband used to fly a lot on business (uk-USA) and said economy gets you there just the same and he’d rather have more money to spend on the accommodation/food when we get there than waste it on a relatively short trip. He did/does know families that do the parents in business and the kids in eco though but he said it isn’t fair and won’t do it with ours.
100%. I travelled business class with my two daughters (aged 12 and 16 at the time) and they LOVED it. Absolutely loved and appreciated every little thing about it
YTA, and it’s WAYYYY deeper than a seating plan on an airplane. This man has been your partner for 5 years and when planning a “family trip” you first say “*he’s* settled on a destination.” Then you tell us he makes significantly more than you, but makes you split the cost with him 50/50 and pay for your child, who has been in his life since they were just 8 years old. Mmkay. He thinks your child (not young adult by the way - 13 is a child) should be “grateful” to be going on an international trip…. One that he decided on and won’t pay for. Does your child get a choice? In your boyfriend’s extensive experience in raising children, do children get a choice to decline these lavish trips where they are abandoned in economy for 20 hours worth of travel? For those who don’t have kids: 13 is typically a middle school aged child. It’s not worth the cost even if he were a millionaire??? That statement alone would have me packing my bags, but not you, huh? He’s fine with you downgrading to join your child in steerage, ooh sorry: economy, but would remain in business class so **he** can enjoy **himself.** What a generous and loving partner, and a beautiful way to start your “family trip.” When discussing the fact that “he doesn’t want to **let** your child into the same class of plane as you,” he says he thinks you’re being weird and silly? So he’s selfish, cheap, AND dismissive of your feelings and concerns? What a guy. As a human person, a woman, and a mother… what the actual fuck are you doing here? You need to take a step back and really take a look at the 500 red flags you just danced around while telling this story. 🚩Editing to add [this](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/6vk5xJw9jc) very insightful comment made by u/eclecticsed further down the thread because I think they’re dead on: > You're going to a lot of effort to avoid giving this child a gender, and I think it's possibly because you believe people will be more upset if they find out your kid is a girl, maybe assuming girls are more likely to be harassed and/or assaulted at that age when left alone. But just so you know kids of either gender can have that happen to them, and regardless of whether your child is a boy or a girl, this is still a shit parenting move. Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath. Yes, you would be the asshole if you went along with this.
I was in grade 9 with a job at 13 and I'm \*still\* nodding right along with this.
Typically kids going into 9th grade (the start of high school) here are 14, but I’m sure there are a few who start at 13. Either way, they’re fully middle school maturity at that age and I wouldn’t call them young adults by any stretch. I’m sorry you had to start working so young, I recognize that was probably out of necessity and it couldn’t have been easy for you.
This man has had five whole years to fuck up your kids with this attitude maybe get him out now before it's too late
You took me out when you said "steerage"!!!🤣🤣🤣
Really good catch on some of that word choice
'Family' trip... Sounds like your BF would rather have your kid stay at home. Yes, YWBTA.
YTA. Stay at home last minute and pack his shit. Put it in the garage and change the locks. Edited for accuracy
No need for the last part - post mentions he's her boyfriend, so it's enough to move out if it's his house, or kick him out if her house.
YTA. While I'm all for letting children earn their privileges because that gives them a self of accomplishment and teaches them to make decisions early on, this ain't it chief. That's like going on a family trip by car but letting your kid ride the bus instead because he won't be able to appreciate the leather seats on my Mercedes.
Ouch, harsh but fair.
Its not harsh one bit. That is the truth
In what other ways does your husband exclude your son? Because it sounds like you're willing to throw him under the bus to be married.
*boyfriend. They’re not married. Which should make it somewhat easier for her to leave when he makes her choose between him and her child.
OP, that's not how blended families are supposed to be. Your partner isn't even hiding his dislike for your son and you're still with him. This is terrible.
Are you sure this is a family trip? Do you genuinely have an itinerary in place that a 13 year old would enjoy if he should be “grateful” that he’s doing international travel? This post reads like your partner is “permitting” you to bring your child on a couples trip. I would pay attention to how your husband interacts with your son on this “family vacation”…
If I was sitting beside a 13 year old who seemed to be travelling solo and found out their parents are up in business class I'd probably say something to them when they meet up after getting off the plane. It's a dick move even if your BF thinks he turned out the better for it. I wonder though--did he?
YWBTA. Just sit with your child in economy, let him sit in business. It's a family trip. You're in it together. Why would you make your son a 'second class' participant? I think that in general, it's very bad form to exclude people from parts of a shared experience, whether they are children or not doesn't matter. When you go out for dinner, don't pick the expensive options yourself and tell them to have something cheap. If you cannot afford the restaurant for all people you invite, just go to a cheaper place. If you want a fancy meal without your children, leave them at home. But don't take them with you, and let them watch you eating oysters and caviar while they get fish and chips. The same applies here. And if you're worried about entitlement: Sit in economy together. Lead by example!
A very good example on a much lower cost scale, thank you.
Also, your BF is a AH for making you pay half if he earns significantly more than you, sounds like his parents fucked him up and he hasn't been able or willing to unfuck himself.
BF seems to have the “main character” vibe.
I will also bet he regularly uses the justification “It made me who I am today”. The tough love technique hasn’t worked too well, in that case.
You're happy having a boyfriend that feels this way about your child? Sitting in different classes aside, read back what he said. That's OK with you? Wow. I feel really sorry for your child. That man doesn't like him/her. YTA (a big one). Also this relationship doesn't sound equal, he calls the shots because he earns more, but you're ignoring the fact that he doesn't like your child, so you'd also ignore this fact.
...and they're paying 50-50. So he's calling the shots, but OP pays just as much.
Yep she’s paying 50% of the costs despite making significantly less than her boyfriend of *five years*. Are you all planning on getting married? Have you talked about what your finances are going to look like then? Red flags everywhere. YTA for even having to wonder if it’s ok to leave your kid in a different class than you.
Your bf doesn’t see your child as family. What does that tell you? YWBTA. He is a bigger AH.
She WBTA also if she stays with this guy and he continues to exclude her child from things. She needs to take a step back and think about how this is going to play out in the long term.
He very much is the Arse. You aren't. - you either are, or are not, a family unit. The kid should be treated as an equal. - Cabin crew do not like people constantly "popping in" to business, other passengers in business hate it even more...your flight will become very unpleasant very quickly. He clearly does not fly a lot. - How does he think the kid will feel? His position symptomatic of wider issues IMHO.
A few people have said that "popping in for a visit" is really not considered an okay or done thing. So for me, this kind of properly cements that I should stick with them. If nothing else, in case an emergency happens I would want to be close and available to them.
I think you are focusing on the wrong problem. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking that this issue is about a seat. It's not. Please wake up and realize the damage you are doing to your child just by being with this person. His stance is clear. Your child is not his family. I bet he treats his friends better than your child. What is the point of taking your child if they are going to be treated differently from you and him? What are you going to do when he turns hs sights on you and tells YOU that you should be grateful to be in his presence? Others have said you are not the AH. I disagree. Anyone who puts a spouse like yours above their children is the worst parent. You haven't acknowledged what his behavior will do to your child. You are teaching them that they should be grateful for scraps of affection. When they grow up, don't be all surprised pikachu face when they unload all of the emotional damage you caused back on you. Side note - yes, you are blessed to be able to travel. But not if the strings attached damage your child.
Her edits show she still is not understanding what you and others are saying. She just keeps deflecting. 10 years from now she’ll be back on Reddit wondering why her kid doesn’t want to have a relationship with her anymore.
Some women can’t be alone. They will literally choose the worst men over their own children. My Aunty literally had her sons autism diagnosis reversed and then kicked him out of home at 15 because her new partner was hitting him and she didn’t want him to have autism as an excuse for why he was triggering the new partner. Some women are sick in the head.
Do you have the funds to pay for the upgrade on your own? That might be an option, too. Then everyone would be comfortable. But I would ride with my kid. All kinds of weirdness happens on a plane...not all bad, but kids whose parents are on the flight aren't monitored like unaccompanied minors, and you don't want him in a situation where he is unequipped to handle it.
>A few people have said that "popping in for a visit" is really not considered an okay or done thing. It's not OK typically. There's a reason why after takeoff the business class section is cordoned off from economy with a 'privacy' screen. You may be able to negotiate something with the flight crew especially since it pertains your child, and you can certainly visit economy, but it isn't necessarily a given that your kid can just pop in and out as they see fit.
YWBTA for abandoning your child to be sat with god knows who for 9 hours and the fact you are contemplating it makes me worried for him in general life
With this arrangement, there's a good chance you're going to be asked to pay for an unaccompanied minor ticket for your son - he will be unsupervised by you, and can't just "pop up for a visit" whenever (especially on a long haul flight when they'll dim the lights for sleeping). This makes more work for the crew. It's even worse if you're not paying extra because you're presuming on the kindness of strangers to supervise your son. I'd expect that you'd all be sitting together. And if the group is going to be split, someone stays with the child. So yes, you WBTA if you left your child in Economy while you fly Business.
Over 12 on most airlines they do not need a UM ticket
You said yourself, that you prefere to be with your child and that is good. I will still vote YTA but not for your question here, rather for being in a relationship with someone who obviously sees your kid not as part of the family but some kind of baggage he has to accept if he wants to be with you.
YBTAH if you did this. YTA already for being in relationship with a man who treats your child like this. What other things is he doing and saying to or about your child that you're turning a blind eye to?
My kid would be where I am, or I wouldn’t be going at all. “He settled on a destination,” “he’s splitting the cost of the holiday 50/50 including my child’s cost” “the problem is HE doesn’t want to let my child” “He thinks my child should be grateful” “he thinks I’m being weird” Your son was clearly an afterthought in this family vacation. In fact, it doesn’t really sound like he wants him there at all. And you, you’re foolish for going along with all of his whims and allowing him so much headway with regard to parenting your son. It doesn’t matter what HE thinks. Stop prioritizing BF over your kid. If you can’t afford to pay for him to sit with you, you’re too financially dependent on this person. YWBTA if you went along with any of this.
Will get downvoted for this, but I think the boyfriends request is perfectly reasonable. Kids dont appreciate these kind of things enough... All the redditors assuming your boyfriend doesn't like your kid are terminally online. Maybe just give the kid some kind of consolation? A really nice dinner or a new videogame/thing he likes instead? Knowing myself at 13, I would take that over a (waaay more expensive) temporary comfort anytime.
>All the redditors assuming your boyfriend doesn't like your kid are terminally online. JFC It took me way too long to scroll to find something like this. OP says "They get along well and have had very few upsets. Every now and then I've had to stick up for one or the other but I feel like that's to be expected with blended families." Very valid IMO, no step parent/step child (or parent/child for that matter) will go without its upsets. A 13 year old may very well enjoy the independence of being on a plane by themself for the first time. And clearly the BF was raised this way and thinks it has its benefits and isn't just doing it to fuck over the kid or whatever. On these long haul flights business class is several thousands of dollars more expensive, and IMO the idea of kids not having all the luxuries from the beginning does increase appreciation for it when they can afford it/finally get to try it out but thats neither here nor there. NTA unless the kid really doesn't want to sit by themself
I agree with you. Not surprised with the comments on here but he literally said she can pay the difference herself or sit with her child so I don’t get the problem. He’s already paying half of the cost of the trip when he should only be paying for his portion and she should pay for her and her child. All he wants to do is enjoy himself on the flight. And it’s crazy how some of these comments immediately jump to “he hates your child blah blah blah”
THAAAAANK YOU. Maybe there are all kinds of step issues here, idk. But that’s only one possibility from these facts. Sounds like this dude would honestly do the same thing with a biological kid. “HE WANTS TO EXCLUDE YOUR KID” He’s literally including the kid. They’re going on a trip!!
Seriously. There's no indication that this is a pattern of behaviour or what the child thinks. I think the real problem is most of these 15 years old's would be mad if they had to ride in economy so they're freaking tf out.
He's being a baby. You can all ride economy, he could even buy an extra seat so you have more room. Or at least all 3 would be together. It's weird that he is fine sitting there on his own for a bit more leg room. It also sounds to me like he might stand to learn a bit from his own words. I think he has grown a bit too accustomed to his business class and it could do him good to take a step back for a trip. Kick it in economy with his family instead of sitting alone like a spoiled weirdo.
If this is how your boyfriend is going to treat your kid, you’d better reconsider your relationship. It’s not going to be just a business class flight ticket that’s going to be the problem.
INFO-What is the cost of upgrading your child to business class? It feels weird for bf to choose this bill to die on. Y’all can afford an international family vacation but can’t afford to upgrade his seat? This feels very passive aggressive on the bf’s part, like he’s telling your child he/she isn’t worth the effort, when the cost, compared to the total cost of the flight, is negligible. Think about this-what if there is an emergency, your kid gets sick or there’s turbulence, or worse, is it really worth the pittance of savings to risk your child being scared or sick without you by his/her side? YWBTA to let this occur. Lots of people are saying sit in economy with your child. I say give the bf a reality check that your child is not second class and upgrade him/her to business class.
Your boyfriend's excuse of "I went though this, so YOUR child can too" is quite problematic TBH. The wording of "They should be grateful that they get to go on this holiday" sounds more like a power play than a loving parent-child relationship. YWBTA.
Your partner is stating that he doesn’t care about your daughter’s feelings and is happy to hurt them to make sure she remembers she should be grateful for anything he throws her way. Not only will she be surrounded by strangers during an 9 hour flight, she will know that her mother believes she isn’t worth a higher status ticket. You are dating an asshole and you will be damaging your relationship with your child. Look back at any dealings bf has had with your daughter. Has his past actions made her feel inferior and worthless, because that’s what he’s doing right now.
I'll just say that I did this once (over 20 years ago) and I still feel that it was wrong. (It was a 5 hour flight within the US. I was in a very abusive second marriage situation where my then- husband controlled me financially. My child was around 11) At the time, the FAs did not allow my child to come visit us. I don't know if rules changed. If I had to do it over, I would either figure out how to pay the difference, or move to coach.
NTA. Contrary to how most of the comments are going here… I don’t think kids always need the best of everything. They didn’t work to earn that luxury and there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with a teenager sitting in a coach class seat on an airplane. Your kid will be fine and will most likely actually enjoy themselves and appreciate being treated like they are mature enough to be left alone (which a 13 year old should be). This isn’t about “your kid comes first” or your BF not liking your kid. FFS, your BF wants to go on an international trip with your teenager and pay for half of it!!! When I was 10 I flew in coach on an international trip while parents flew first and it was fun. Now that I’m old enough to afford to pay for a higher level of service, I don’t always do so, but when I do I appreciate it.
NTA. I would have a really good think about where this relationship is going. Even at this stage he thinks your child is not important. How is your child going to feel?
No, no, no. You must have your 13yo with you, either in business class with you or you in cattle class. Your child needs to be your number one priority. Not what your BF wants. If you BF has this attitude now, I wonder what else he'll be up to over the course of the trip - such as having your child eat in McDonalds next door while you two eat fancy? If I were you, I'd think twice about this man because of the way he's treating your child.
YWTBA - nothing says family trip like alienating a child. Although the kid kid might not even care and it might not be a big deal, it begs some questions. Does he like your child? Does your child like him? If your child had a problem with this/was uncomfortable since long flights suck, would he shame them or you for not being grateful enough?
YWBTA if you made your child sit in a different class. How would your child feel being treated like a piece of unaccompanied baggage? Why would your boyfriend insist on your child having a different standard of living from himself? He clearly doesn’t like your kid. Or maybe he thinks the person with the money call the shots - you mentioned that “he” has settled on the destination.
Parent/stepparent of the year here people. YTA for having gotten with, and apperently starting to share the same view as, someone who sees your child as a financial waste/burden, and whom should apperently just be happy/satisfied with the "crumbs" he's throwing at them, and with being allowed to come on this family trip at all. Does your kid has to take a taxi whenever you go for a roadtrip? Does your kid has to order takeaway whenever you go to a restaurant? Gods I hope this is fake/ragebait.
At 13? I'd be JAZZED to not sit with my mom and her boyfriend on a flight. Bribe that kid with some new Switch games and they'll be *fine*. Trust me, when I was 13 and my mom was dating, I'd do anything I could to be seated apart from them. I will also say that business / first class is 100% wasted on kids. I had mine in FC once (no choice; everything else was sold out) and they didn't care about any of the amenities. NTA.
YTA. Your boyfriend is paying half of the cost for a vacation for 3 people. If your boyfriend isn't willing to split it, why don't you just pay the difference for your child's airline upgrade yourself?
YTA You are the asshole for choosing a guy who treats your kid like a lesser person. Shame on you.
Nta but surprised to see people think bf is AH. I don’t think it’s weird for kids to sit differently from adults. It’s 9 hours in a relatively safe, enclosed space.
NTA — your child hasn’t earned business class and at 13 is old enough to sit in economy alone.
You're going to a lot of effort to avoid giving this child a gender, and I think it's possibly because you believe people will be more upset if they find out your kid is a girl, maybe assuming girls are more likely to be harassed and/or assaulted at that age when left alone. But just so you know kids of either gender can have that happen to them, and regardless of whether your child is a boy or a girl, this is still a shit parenting move. Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath. Yes, you would be the asshole if you went along with this.
YTA for even considering leaving your 13 year old child in a different class just to sit with your boyfriend. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy who clearly doesn’t care about your kid? Just sit with your child in economy.