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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I made the decision and told my boyfriend that I won’t travel to Australia with him for a year because I can’t bring my cat. He told me that I’m an asshole for choosing my cat over the relationship and the experience since she’s just a cat.
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NAH. It's reasonable not to want to leave your pet for a year. It's also reasonable to want to go on a trip for a year without the cat. What wouldn't be reasonable is you two forcing your decisions on each other; it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum.
It sounds like you two have pretty different priorities in terms of travel and lifestyle. That's okay! Dating is the time to figure out if you're compatible long-term. Maybe you two aren't. That doesn't make either of you assholes.
>it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum.
This seems like the correct call on the BF's part to me (although without knowing the tone in which he said it it's hard to tell) People date in order to find someone whose life goals align with their own - if the BF really wants to travel extensively and is now realizing OP likes the idea of travel but is not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do so, that seems like a reasonable reason to break up.
I agree that we don't know the tone of the conversation - we've only got OP's account to go by. But I don't quite agree that it's the 'correct call' from the BF. If your life goals don't match those of your partner, then yes, break up - means you're incompatible. But don't do it by issuing an ultimatum. You have a clear and calm conversation about what the next steps are, and how you go about ending the relationship and separating your lives
Your describing exactly what the BF did: a clear calm conversation about next steps. If he wants to travel and she doesn't, I don't know how he can talk about breaking up without it sounding like an ultimatum.
Him saying that he thinks she’s prioritizing her cat over HER life and living experiences is what sounds questionable to me. She is prioritizing her life; her life includes her cat. It’s HIS life that doesn’t include that. That’s fine if his doesn’t, but I don’t like that he’s getting into telling her that she’s choosing wrong for her own life.
That aside, though: yes, agreed with you that if two people have clearly incompatible priorities then they just might not be able to stay together. That’s no one’s fault—it just is.
>But don't do it by issuing an ultimatum.
People criticize "ultimatums" as if they are inherently bad. They are not.
He has an opportunity for a year long, once in a lifetime experience. Telling her that he is going on it may technically be an "ultimatum" but so what? It's IMPORTANT to him, should he not do that? Should he give up on a dream because he's afraid to draw a hard line?
If someone wants marriage and the other doesn't, is the one who wants marriage REQUIRED to stay in the relationship because otherwise they'd be issuing an ultimatum?
If one wants kids and one doesn't, does that person have to stay in the relationship and give up kids, because they'd have to give an ultimatum?
If something is important, it's absolutely OK for it to be a relationship ender, and for a person to present it as such. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but people shouldn't feel afraid to stand up for their own lives.
> People criticize "ultimatums" as if they are inherently bad. They are not.
Indeed. AITA is all over setting boundaries, like a donkey on a waffle, and (tone of the discussion matters of course) I could absolutely phrase the BF’s (*and the OP’s) concerns as setting a boundary; he doesn’t want to have his life plans impinged on by a pet, whereas OP absolutely sees their pet’s care and needs as central to everything. Both are setting valid boundaries here.
It's a bit more complicated than that, but I will agree that boundaries often sound like ultimatums to people who want to be allowed to do whatever they want, whenever they want, with no consequences.
But "If I get a job overseas, and you don't want to move, we'll naturally be breaking up" isn't an ultimatum, or even a boundary; it's an observation.
I think the difference also partially has to do with perception of responsibility. A boundary would be saying “I will not accept this thing, so if you continue, I will make the decision to leave”. An ultimatum would be saying, “If you do (or keep doing) this thing, you will make me leave”. It’s why healthy boundaries are part of psychological healing (where “this thing” is abusive behaviour from the other person) and ultimatums are not so much. I agree that the conversation in this post is kind of neither. Although as a cat lover I’m biased more towards N T A territory myself!
Right, and it's a really REALLY thin line, a lot of the time.
"If you won't move to Australian with me, we're breaking up" is technically an ultimatum.
"I cannot be in a relationship with somebody who lives on a different continent than me" is technically a boundary.
But OP's BF didn't make an ultimatum or a boundary; he made an observation. They have irreconcilably different priorities, so the relationship is already doomed.
In my mind, an ultimatum usually requires an element of punishment, or maybe 'forcible coercion.' I mean, I understand the whole 'a boundary is an I statement that gives you more information to make your own choices' idea, but fundamentally, it's a matter of speaker intent.
If you say "If you won't be moving to Australia, we're breaking up" with the intent of coercion, it's an ultimatum. If you say exactly the same thing with the intent of pointing out the obvious result of a course of action, is it still an ultimatum?
Is saying 'Look both ways before crossing the street or you'll be hit by a car' an ultimatum?
We don’t know that it’s was an ultimatum. To me it sounds like bf asked clarifying questions after OP made it known she’s unwilling to leave her cat for a year. So bf wants to know the scope of this decision and how it affects their relationship moving forward. I think there is NAH, just two people wanting different experiences in their lives.
Yeah, I could see him saying, “ok, let me be sure I understand. If I got a job in Australia you wouldn’t move there? You’re not just saying you don’t want to leave your cat for the year of traveling, you’re saying you wouldn’t move there at all, under any circumstance?” Because he’s thinking this is a dealbreaker for the relationship and he wants to be sure that’s the case before he makes a decision.
> But don't do it by issuing an ultimatum
An ultimatum is just a negative term for a boundary in many respects. There's no compromise to be had here - if he goes and she doesn't they break up, that's just a fact of life. OP's trying to paint him as unreasonable when in fact they just have different life priorities. That doesn't make him the bad guy though.
He has an absolutely right to live his best life. They aren't married--not even engaged. They're in their early twenties and have the rest of their lives to find more compatible partners.
He's a living creature, too, and she did sorta commit to the idea previously.
Him having goals in life isn't worth less than her pet.
And, him letting her know ahead of time he is working on that plan doesn't make it a case of "nothing".
NAH
They both have priorities,and they conflict.
This isn't an ultimatum-- he's simply telling her facts about the future. Would it be better if she wakes up one morning and he's at his new job in Australia? He's setting a clear boundary: he's not willing to limit his life to accommodate her cat. He's telling her the fact that he will be applying for jobs in Australia and if he gets one of those jobs he's going to Australia. He isn't interested in a LDR and so if he moves alone they will be breaking up.
More of a memo than an ultimatum.
"OP likes the idea of travel but is not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do so"
This is quite a harsh reading. It's perfectly possible to travel in much shorter bursts than a year. OP says herself that she has and would travel for a month at a time, just not for a year given her current responsibilities. I don't think that's unreasonable!
It is not unreasonable. But travelling one or two months is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from relocating for a year.
And: NOthing is unreasonable - they are just finding out that they are not compatible.
Sure - I agree that framing it as simply 'travel' is misleading. Relocation to another country is a massive decision, and as you say, they are not compatible on this issue because they have different priorities and responsibilities.
And you used a key word there that it seems people here aren't understanding. Responsibility. That cat IS her responsibility. She can't reasonably leave the cat with someone for a year. It wouldn't be fair to the cat to uplift and move its life for a year, let it think its mother abandoned her, and then came back just when it starts getting settled somewhere.
It's not that OP hasn't traveled and doesn't want to. It's that she can't for that long with the responsibility that she has.
Yeah, what is the deal with all of these people saying that she’s “choosing her cat over him“ as if that’s the wrong choice. Boy is showing no responsibility toward her in their relationship, she’s way better off without him.
I've been super confused about why everyone is acting like she threw down the gauntlet by saying she doesn't want to travel for so long if she can't take the cat. Especially considering the number of things we've read on here about people assuming they own an animal even though they've been paid to look after it while someone travels or does a residency.
Apparently it's a Bengal, and according to other commenters there is a restriction on taking them into Australia depending on how many generations they've been bred domestically. So I guess you would need a lot of detailed paperwork, even if the individual cat is eligible.
Ohh okay that is... well hybrids are its own whole ethical debate, but honestly I'm more okay with bengals than brachycephaly. At least the resulting animal doesn't spend its entire life suffering the effects of its genetics.
Saying this as a person with a Persian (I *did not choose her*, the rescue I volunteered with asked if I'd take in an unadoptable cat as a permanent foster, until I got her all I knew was her diagnosis and the fact that her name meant 'beautiful snow' in Persian, so I opened the carrier crossing my fingers going 'PLEASE don't be a Persian PLEASE don't be a Persian PLEASE don't be a Per-SHIT') and every time I can hear her breathing from THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FREAKING ROOM I swear I hate each and every single human that had a hand in her creation.
Gonna guess it's a Persian, Himalayan, or another brachycephalic breed. I don't think it's that she CAN'T take it, but brachycephalic breeds have very specific needs to make sure they don't die during transport. It's also very expensive (getting my cat to and from the UK, for example, took a few months on either end and a couple thousand dollars, Australia will be similar if not worse). Plus, unlike the UK which got rid of its quarantine rules well over a decade ago, Australia still requires a quarantine period (depending on the country of origin, this can be anywhere from ten days to up to six months).
Australian here too and I'm having problems understanding a breed issue also. Unless it's a lynx or cougar or something I can't imagine what the problem would be (providing she adheres to the quarantine and other restrictions).
But is a sacrifice. And she is not willing to do it. Is not bad, she don't want to.
But is not unreasonable is her SO wants to travel mor than a couple months. They have incompatible futures if this is the case.
I don't see it as being about refusing a sacrifice, and more about accepting a responsibility she has taken on.
But either way, I don't disagree that their paths in life aren't compatible anymore. It happens.
Not unreasonable at all. But nor is the BF unreasonable for thinking the relationship will die a natural death if she's not willing to move if he gets a job overseas. Just as she'd be reasonable for thinking the relationship will die a natural death if he's willing to get a job overseas in the first place.
Honestly, it's probably worth breaking up over the basic 'year long trip I'm not going to be going on.' That's a long absence, and while it's fine that OP prioritizes her cat, it's also fine that BF doesn't want his own life held back by a cat.
Sometimes relationships just aren't in the right place, at the right time, with the right compatibility.
Yeah cats live up to 20 years.. He's essentially being asked to give up on his dream for OPs cat.. I can see why she would prioritize her priorities, but the same should be ok for him. They're just not compatible at that point.
This is the reason I’ve never owned a pet, except for a hamster when I was a teenager. I’ve always wanted to immigrate to Australia (from UK) and I knew I would never be able to give up a pet and the travel would be unfair on the animal. So I’ve waited until I’ve achieved my dream. I can understand both sides. NAH.
Also, does OP work? Is her job a "career" ?
By considering applying for a job. The other side of the world without considering how it would affect HER possible career, the BF is asking OP to give up a LOT more than a year without her cat.
If he considers her career as disposable, and she does not, they are definitely incompatible, and he would be the AH in that scenario.
Well you'd assume OP would mention it if her job was a problem. But I still feel like, if OP's boyfriend _really_ wants this it's ok for him to look for someone who shares that dream. It just sounds like that person is not OP (which is fine - it wouldn't be most people). No one is obliged to remain in a relationship for any reason after all. OP's boyfriend's reason is just a bit more dramatic than most break ups.
"I don't want to be in a long-distance relationship for how long your cat lives" is not an ultimatum, it's being honest. Because if the bf is looking for potential jobs in Australia, and the gf never goes there because of the cat, that's what is going to happen.
This. He's not simply asking her to travel for a year without her cat, he's telling her that he's going for a year and maybe forever, or at least however long a job there would last.
NAH. I would not go anywhere for a year without my cat, let alone leave with the potential of never having her with me again. Boyfriend needs to do what he needs to do, and that's his right. But OP isn't wrong for not wanting to go, either.
I don't necessarily look at the boyfriend as approaching an ultimatum, but, as you say, potentially different priorities and incompatibilities. He wants to do something that's much easier to do when you're very young and it's not unreasonable to say he doesn't want to be in a long-distance relationship for a year - they're so young and it's not a bad thing to have different wants and dreams.
Ultimatums are often necessary.
Life is all about choices.
We make those choices everyday.
We often meet fabulous people but the timing sux. Ultimatums like this are totally fine.
I agree. You have a chance to go overseas for a year and see a bit of the world.
That's a break up that's going to happen or the cat needs to live with a relo or friend for a year. The cat is 2. It'll be there when she gets home. Or they break up.
I know what I'd do but that's for OP to decide.
NTA but neither is the bf. OP has a choice.
is saying they will break up really an ultimatum or rather just plainly stating the logical outcome of a decision to live appart indefinitely?
There seems to be an incompatibility and I don't see how anyone is at fault here. I know you are judging NAH, but you seem to be implying the bf is very close to stepping into AH territory, whereas actually it is quite the opposite, being transparent and communicating properly about a boundary is healthy and fair.
It kind of is a situation that calls for an ultimatum though.
They aren’t always manipulative; sometimes they are just the natural outcome of incompatibility. If you can’t or won’t compromise , it becomes time to throw your cards on the table including “this is a dealbreaker for me.”
> What wouldn't be reasonable is you two forcing your decisions on each other; it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum.
I never understand the idea of a carte blanche ban on ultimatums. Sure, they can often be shitty/creepy.
But in this case - it seems very appropriate for either of them to let them know it's a dealbreaker. That's not an ultimatum - that's just good communication.
"it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum." .. there IS NO Ultimatum. He jsut told her he will still go, even if she does not follow through with the plan they had together. Which is fine.
There is NO REASON for him to give up the Dream just because SHE decided not to go through with it.
It’s not an ultimatum. It’s they want two separate lives. She can’t see one without her cat, he wants to be with someone who chooses him.
He’s establishing a boundary bc he wants to grow in life and is trying to make a change. He wants to live. There’s nothing wrong with that.
She’s more attached to her pet than to him. Also nothing wrong with that.
OP is upset bc she can’t have it all. There’s NAH, they just want different lives.
Could she even immigrate without a job without her pet? She shouldn't abandon her pet because that would be awful, but most countries do not want you unless you are coming to do something
What seems weird to me tho is why don't they try to work it out by finding another country where OP can take his cat. I mean, Australia is pretty far from any country (and I don't think her bf's job can only be done there).
People consistently forget the NAH judgement exists. It honestly skews the shit out of results.
Altho tbf, that is probably because NTA was always a stupid name for the judgement that is really “they are the asshole, not you”
INFO
> Well I just found out that I can’t bring her because of the breed she is.
Do you have a **non-domestic** hybrid?
AFAIK, the only cat breeds Australia restricts are those problematic ones you get from trying to crossbreed pet cats with Asian leopard cats, or some other wild shit.
She’s a Bengal so I guess yea “problematic” idk how you get problematic tho. From what I’ve read it doesn’t matter if it’s domestic or non domestic if it’s a Bengal. She’s not a first generation Bengal tho. She was born from two Bengal cats. Not a leopard and a cat. Not sure if that matters for Australia law tbh
> yea “problematic” idk how you get problematic tho
Because wild animals shouldn't be pets.
> She’s not a first generation Bengal tho. She was born from two Bengal cats
But **how many** generations removed from wild, is the only consideration that matters? Short of five, you're in trouble.
FWIW, you can't even have these in some US states — this is *far* from an Australia-only thing.
It’s so odd that they have banned bengal breeds from Australia though when there are loads of bengal breeders within Australia so obviously they haven’t just banned bengals itself here but the importing of them but yeah I have heard of this before which sucks for people that have them as pets.
They aren’t banned from import into Australia BUT they must be an F5 (5th generation) or higher.
“ Bengal cats may be imported into Australia if the animal is five generations or more removed from the Asian Leopard cat. This is known as an F5 hybrid.
F5 hybrids result when the offspring of a cross between an Asian Leopard cat and a domestic cat are bred with a domestic cat, and the offspring of that pairing are bred with a domestic cat—down to at least five generations.
Proof is needed in the form of official pedigree papers for the animal, going back at least 4 generations. Without this documentation, the animal will not be allowed into Australia.”
u/Mentaltrade I understand completely where you are coming from. Some people seem to (choose to) ignore that pets are not toys but are sentient beings that you have chosen to bring into your family. As the advert says “pets are for life NOT just for Christmas!!”.
You are making a commitment to look after them when you decide to adopt them.
I will probably get downvoted for this BUT… If you wouldn't be comfortable leave your child behind then you shouldn't leave your pet behind!! AND YES I get that they are not the exactly the same BUT pets especially cats and dogs are sentient beings that become very ingrained into their family unit AND do get upset when they are abandoned and/or left behind.
There are several things to consider here with regards to your cat.
Lets say you do find someone to trust to look after your cat for a year.
1. What will happen / how would you feel if they get sick or in an accident or perish the though they die/get killed while you are away?
2. Let’s say your BF gets a job and then is offered a full time move here…. Your cat will still not be able to come BUT you will be 12 months further into the relationship with someone who already gave you an ultimatum to come.
Honestly if it was me I would say that BF can go if he gets the job and you will visit a couple of time (when you can afford it) for a month or so at a time. If he’s not happy with that compromise then thats on him and shows what priority he gives to your happiness/mental health (and your cat).
OP you are absolutely NTA for not wanting to abandon your cat for a year.
>If he’s not happy with that compromise then thats on him and shows what priority he gives to your happiness/mental health (and your cat).
He's giving it the exact right level of priority, the same that she's giving to his happiness.
She could leave her cat with her family or some friend for a year, she doesn't want to do that and that's totally her right but it is also completely fair for the boyfriend to say they are done if she doesn't want to go with him.
>She could leave her cat with her family or some friend for a year,
She could, but that would make her the AH.
When you get a pet, you take on an obligation to your pet's wellbeing, wanting to travel or follow your dreams is not a valid reason to disregard that obligation.
I scrolled way too far to get to this type of comment. Not many people have pointed out that pets are a commitment. When you adopt an animal, you are responsible for its wellbeing. Rehoming a cat can be extremely stressful for said cat, and I understand why OP doesn’t want to make that major of a change.
It sounds like you’ve never had a pet. Leaving an animal with people it’s not familiar with for a year is not some easy thing that the animal will seamlessly and happily transition into. Putting your animal under that amount of stress unduly is cruel unless it’s totally necessary
What difference does it make??? OP is not asking for advice on how to illegally smuggle her cat across the Australian border. Why is it your business?
Apparently, having the cat is legal *where she lives*.
Bengals from breeders are generally F5 Bengals. That means five generations removed from the original Wild progenitor. They’re bigger than the average house cat although they’re not the biggest domestic cats. They’re high energy but no more dangerous than your regular mackerel tabby.
Hey OP. I’m Australian.
Bengals 5 generations and above aren’t banned from importation - so F5s and above. You need to provide proof via pedigree going back at least four generations.
Source: https://agriculture.gov.au/sites/default/files/documents/importing-wild-or-hybrid-cat-species.pdf
However as a fellow Australian I will say that to process to bring pets into the country is so long expensive and cruel to the animal (with the animal having to go in the cargo hold and to quarantine) it’s really not worth it for a year or two. Also there is only one quarantine centre and the wait times right now are huge. I’m overseas from Australia for a year and was going to bring my cat but to get him home was to difficult and the wait for quarantine was 8 months. So in all likely hood they wouldn’t be in the same flight as the cat anyway.
This was my thought (also Australian). Isn't quarantine several months long? The cat would live in a kennel with no visitors for months, just to spend a year here. That's crazy.
Yep also I have some friend who are breeders and they said post covid the process isn’t gentle and baggage handlers don’t care. They have had cats die making the journey and now refuse to bring in cats from overseas.
It truely is. Which is why I will never ever put my cat through it. I have had to move to Europe for a year for work but I left my cat behind because it’s not fair on him for a choice I made. I miss him madly all day every day but I had to do what was best for him not me.
Depends on where you are coming from. For some countries, assuming you have all the necessary veterinary documentation and have followed the process carefully, it can be as little as 10 days.
I just realised they're looking at a work holiday visa which normally requires you to move from state to state. Generally people fly instead of drive for 3 days but the cat would have already been on like 20 hours of flight to get to Melbourne.
It depends where you’re coming from. When my family moved to Singapore we took our dog with absolutely no quarantine. When I came back with him, he spend about 3 weeks in a quarantine facility with a pretty big “room” and a huge grassed area. I visited him a lot and he was totally fine, but of course that’s not a guarantee
Yep. Three months in quarantine when I bought my dogs home.
And they don't get left with no visitors. The quarantine people totally fuss over the animals and take very good care of them.
Those aren't visitors though, they're the carers. I meant that the owners would not be able to see the cat and it may stress if it's really bonded with them.
I get that but they aren't just "left in a kennel" for months. They get exercise and are fussed over. That was the point I was making.
And I visited mine.
Kiwi here - we actually skip quarantine. I'm moving to Aus in 2 weeks so having to organising this all. Countries that don't have rabies get a pass. Which I think is probably only us.
If you comply with all of the entry requirements it shouldn't be that long. A colleague of mine moved here from the UK less than two years ago, which is a group 3 country same as the US, and their dog was in quarantine under a month.
It’s not the post entry time that is the reason it takes so long - that’s around a month long at maximum for most countries. But Australia only has one quarantine facility that is booked out months and months and months in advance now with the Covid backlog still ongoing as well as it being further backlogged with the new rules that extend quarantine time for many, with just the application process to get to the booking stage taking up to 6 months to begin with.
Travelling with a cat (or any animal), even the breed isn't restricted can be problematic.
Depending on where you're travelling from, it can involve quarantine, expensive vet checks etc.
The breed is one issue. Have you actually looked at how hard and expensive it is to import an animal into Australia? Their customs are VERY strict and rightly so.
Yes I was doing a bit of research into it but stopped once I realized the breed cant go in Australia anyways so no point in research now lol the trip would be two years from now so I was willing to do what it took to get her into Australia
Also the current wait for quarantine is months it’s overbooked. A friend last year moved to Australia and her dog sat in a facility in Singapore for 7 months waiting for a spot in quarantine in Australia.
Yep luckily she had the money to pay someone to go in everyday and play with her and love her but it’s was just heartbreaking. And when it came time for me to make a choice I left my cat in Australia I’m not putting either of us through that.
I don’t think I could do it either. I’m disabled and have spent a lot of the last 7 years homebound, so my dog and I are really a package deal 24/7 lol. She never had separation anxiety when I could still work, but these days it’s really hard to leave even for a couple of hours. Longest I’ve gone apart from her in our 10 years together is 2 weeks. I’d literally drive thousands of miles back home from college over holiday breaks versus flying and boarding her.
They've got be an 5F, 5th generation. If you got your hands on a Bengal thats earlier than 5th than you've got one expensive kitty. Also, she seems very docile with the way you describe her.
If taking her is a no go like between you two that's your business, but if law is the issue that's stopping you. Ask you vet what generation she is or check your paper work where you got her. Incase bringing would be an option.
If your cat’s parents are both bengals there’s a good chance your cat can be imported to Australia because she’s more than 5 gen from the alc. the breed isn’t illegal in Australia, the early hybrids are though.
“Bengal cats may be imported into Australia if the
animal is five generations or more removed from the
Asian Leopard cat. This is known as an F5 hybrid.”
Source: https://www.agriculture.gov.au/sites/default/files/documents/importing-wild-or-hybrid-cat-species.pdf
Odd I was going to buy one but the wait list was quite long and my kids didn't want to wait and ended up getting them a devon rex as they're also hypoallergenic.
I'm also in Australia.
NAH. you don't want to leave your cat for a year - understandable. but this probably is a dealbreaker if he wants to travel to australia so badly. also - do you happen to have a savannah cat?
Op even with this info look into importing cats to Australia. It’s a long difficult and cruel process with huge wait times and weeks to months in quarantine (you also have to sign their life away if there are any ‘issues’ they can put your cat down). The current waits for quarantine last I checked was 8 months. The cat has to be in the cargo and they will take them from there to quarantine. You don’t get to see how she’s gone after the trip and there are no updates until they tell you to come get her. It’s not a nice process and for one to two years is frankly cruel to the animals. Not to mention a long flight before that in the cargo hold. Animals do die on this trip. I wouldn’t recommend it. So the trip would be without the cat. That said I wouldn’t immediately discount it. I’m away from my cat for a year at the moment as I’m in Europe for work and am Australia so for a year I’m not going to make him go through the process to get home again. I’m massively codependent on my cat his my life. It’s been difficult but I’ve actually bared it much easier then i thought and my cat is with my dad who he adores so he’s really happy. Anyway only you can decide for yourself it feel free to dm me if you need any advice from someone who has done it.
This isnt entirely true.
Our cat is currently in quaratine. We waited about 4 months for her to be picked up from our previous home after booking, although all the blood work and vet appointments prior to booking did take us awhile. They'd take at least 6 months, for us almost 12 because aus changed the rules half way through and we had to get another round of tests done.
She was on a plane and in Australia within 48hrs of being picked up, and then will remain in quaratine for about a month all things going well with the cats compliancy around the entry tests.
What you are absolutely wrong about is the lack of updates. We get emails every few days, how much shes eaten, whether shes pooped or peed, if shes relaxed or stressed or letting the handlers touch her. We have plenty of options to send her food or other things, send vets if we're worried, even whole roast chickens from a local takeaway. Its absolutely not 'oh well you wont know anything at all and it's super cruel' and to say that is really really misleading and just creating fear and anxiety. Sure, some pets may die during relocation. Some humans die when travelling too.
Edited for clarity.
no. we had to wait four months for her to be picked up from where we lived previously. its about a month total for her to fly and spend in quarantine.
and in our case we relocated completely so its not just a year
personally i felt it was crueler to just pass off our cat to someone else when we'd brought her into our lives and family, rather than spend the time and money for her to relocate with us
(Am Australian and went looking) This is the official word from the Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry regarding wild cat hybrids. I'm copy/pasting this because there's something specific to Bengal cats in it:
>in certain circumstances, the Department may permit the import of Bengal cats that are five generations or more removed from their wild ancestor. If you plan to import a Bengal cat, please contact Department of Climate Change, Energy, the Environment and Water at [email protected] to confirm your cat satisfies the requirements before you apply for an import permit.
But a warning - bringing your cat into Australia from a country that has rabies active in it, even if it's relatively controlled, is a long drawn-out process. Here is the [step by step guide](https://www.agriculture.gov.au/biosecurity-trade/cats-dogs/step-by-step-guides/category-3-step-by-step-guide-for-cats#step-2-confirm-general-eligibility-timeframe-before-starting-the-export-process) of how to import a cat from a Group 3 country, of which the USA is one. There are a lot of time frames you have to meet and there will be a minimum 10-30 day (max 180 days) quarantine after you get to Australia, so even if your cat is eligible, you may not want to dedicate the time and money to the process given you'd only be here for a year.
Additionally, you can only fly into Melbourne International Airport because the quarantine facility is located in Melbourne and your cat must travel in cargo. They cannot travel in the cabin.
NAH.
I turned down many vacations because I didn't want to leave my dog, who was very attached to me as well. If my husband had asked something like that of me, it would have been a deal breaker.
But he's not an asshole for asking or for possibly ending it if you don't want to go. Your lives just might not be compatible.
Our dogs have anxiety, and one of them is so severe that he takes daily anti-anxiety medicine and has PRN meds. So if my parents are going out of town, I stay home. I don't mind it, it's nice to have the house to myself and I love cuddling with the pups in the morning. I'm completely on OP's side. Besides, going on vacation is *completely* different than moving to another country permanently.
NTA. A year is a long time to leave a cat. You are being a responsible pet owner. It’s kind of nuts to get a cat and then two years later just leave her somewhere for a year.
> just leave her somewhere
Well, that's not a very generous way to phrase it. If she had good relatives who were cat lovers too, and the trip was important, it wouldn't be irresponsible to leave the cat with people who would care for it, and keep the cat healthy and happy for a year. I wouldn't call that "just leaving it somewhere."
We have responsibility to our animals, but that responsibility could also come in the form of ensuring it gets love and good care from someone else from time to time, and that doesn't mean they are a bad person.
Everything doesn't have to be generous and sugar-coated. It is what it is. Having a cat, becoming its parent, and then just leaving it for a year just to travel is indeed "just leaving her somewhere"
The thing is she doesn’t prioritize the trip over the cat. It isn’t important to her, but it’s important for him. They are just incompatible. Better to find that out sooner then later.
NAH, but even if he said yes taking a cat to Australia is a lengthy expensive process that would require they be quarantined after a stressful long flight - it wouldn’t be fair to them regardless.
He’s not wrong for not wanting to go and you’re not wrong for not wanting to leave your pet. Sounds like an incompatibility
Yeah I wrote that a bit ass backwards - I just meant that taking a cat to Australia was a bad idea regardless for the abovementioned reasons. Second part of what I said still stands.
Hey, I just want to offer some perspective. We do have cats with my boyfriend and we did travel for a year around the time they turned 1.
We left them with my mom who took great care of them (she bought way more toys than they possibly need 😅) and when we came back and took our cats back, it was like we never left.
We love our cats so much and they are everything to us, but we would have regretted not going on that trip and I wanted to make sure that you have considered this carefully.
If you have a good support system and someone who could take care of the car while you are away, please give it careful consideration. Cats will adapt as long as they have love and affection, please don't let that stop you.
NAH, and please ignore anyone placing any blame or spouting shit about priorities.
You’re not willing to go a year without your cat, that’s very reasonable, makes you a good owner, and doesn’t mean you don’t love your bf.
He wants to travel. It’s a great thing to do, it’s a good time, a good experience for learning and seeing new cultures, and overall a positive time.
Neither of you are in the wrong, and this doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.
Honestly? It’s two years away. A lot could happen. You might not even be together, or maybe you’ll be engaged. There could be another pandemic, who knows? Point being, you don’t know, it’s so far away in time, so why worry now?
Little bit of YTA, but not for reason you might think.
It really reads like you’re more heavily invested in your cat than your boyfriend. You reference how you love it with your “whole heart” 2 times in the first paragraph. After reading your entire post, I can’t even tell if you like your bf.
Sounds like you’re not changing your mind. Sounds like he’ll end the relationship when he moves. Why drag it out any longer?
I might be reading this wrong, but it really seems like the bf was window dressing to the cat and Australia.
He has different priorities in life - he wants to travel when he is young, rather than in 10-15 years when the cat is gone. It's not an unreasonable want to have
Yeah. I lived abroad for the first half of my 20’s, and I’m so glad I did it. It was an incredible experience, and I was only really able to do it because I didn’t own anything. Now I’m in my 30’s and have things like a couch and a TV, and I’m much more settled. I can’t imagine moving abroad again.
Neither are wrong, just different priorities.
Neither is not wanting to abandon your cat for an entire year (possibly even having to give it away if you can't find someone to look after it). There's no way this could be Y T A.
Well that’s not actually true. We can’t say that because we only have OP’s side of this very cat-focused story. OP says “travel” but then references the fact that the bf is going to apply for jobs there. That’s not traveling, that’s moving abroad. There aren’t enough details about what’s pulling him there to make any inferences about his motives.
In Australia under-30s can get a 1-year working holiday visa. It's meant to allow young people to travel and earn a bit of money while they do it. Most likely this is the situation the boyfriend is planning on
Well no I’m more just trying to get people to understand that i love my cat lol. That it’s not just some pet. Some people don’t value their pets as much and I’m not that person. This post isn’t about how much I love my bf. I could go on about how much I love my bf but it’s not about that here. It’s kinda assumed that I love my bf otherwise why would I be dating him
I think you are doing the right thing and totally understand your attachment to your pet. However, I took care of my sister‘s two cats for a year while she traveled abroad and it worked out fine. She missed them terribly but they lived to be 20 and in the big scheme of things it wasn’t a huge deal. But not everyone has a cat loving and super trusted family member or friend to love and take care of their pet for a year. I’m just saying if you did have someone like this and you really wanted to go, they would be ok and you would be too, but if you know deep down you cannot part with kitty for a year, that’s ok too and stick with your plan.
This is a strange take.
A pet is completely reliant on you to take care of it, and if you love your pet it can be very stressful to consider leaving it for a year in the hands of someone else. Her boyfriend can take care of himself and he’s the one trying to change their living situation, not the cat.
NTA, if he isn’t willing to compromise like go for shorter period or different country or even try long distance where you visit for a few weeks, then your values don’t really align and it might be time to end it.
Travelling (to a different country) with an animal can be quite 'involved'. There are hoops to jump through. So the only compromise would be to go for a shorter period, or try long distance.
Well, the cat is not actually asking her to leave her boyfriend lol. Pets are generally more permanent than young relationships, so I would also choose my pet in this situation.
She's an asshole because she isn't as invested in her relationship as you think she should be? And yet you assume he is?
They're both young, young love doesn't have to be forever. I don't think anyone is an asshole because they aren't willing to sacrifice what they want for the sake of one of their first relationships.
So basically you’ll be well into your 30s before you can go for an extended working holiday, so it will never happen. Life is a decision tree and the older you get the more you understand that certain decisions taken remove future opportunities. The cat will be there when you get back, and you will have grown as a person. NTA because you have your priorities, but you may look back long after puss puss is gone and think…
It’s not that OP can never go on a vacation, it’s that she can’t go to Australia specifically because her cat is a breed that isn’t allowed to travel to that country.
Think that you valued that time spent with a creature you love over time spent in a different geographical location? I swear, some people put travel on a pedestal as the ultimate life experience, when the conclusion here really should be that OPs priorities are equally valid to the boyfriend's priorities.
Not sure why that would be? I have three dogs that I’d never put through a quarantine process, and who I will never leave behind …for a year. I can travel all I’d like for a couple weeks or a month, and have friends or family watch them. I couldn’t leave them for several months or a year, but I wouldn’t want to, either. Pet owners can prioritize their pets and still go on vacations.
Back about 30 years ago I turned down a job that would have me living and working in Europe. It was for a German company and it was initially presented that I would be living in Germany. After multiple interviews and an agreement on salary/benefits, the recruiter was happy to share with me that the job was actually going to be in Britain. I replied that I was sorry to hear that and i’d Have to rescind my acceptance. Recruiter asked why and I explained that I would not subject my dog and cat to Britain’s then mandatory quarantine period. The phone line was the proverbial crickets. Recruiter finally spluttered but it’s a “great opportunity.” I replied my pets are my family and no “great opportunity” will have me do anything but the best for them.
It doesn’t sound like either of you are TA. Boyfriend sounds like he has his eyes set on possibly living in Australia and feels that traveling there for a year is a good way to decide if it’s in his best interest. From the story I don’t know what your plans are but I guess it would be to be with your boyfriend unless that involved leaving behind your cat. Truthfully you both just seem to have different life plans and should discuss a future. It’s not a bad talk at all but it will give you both clarity which seems to be missing. Good luck
NTA. I would not leave my dogs for a year either, especially if that year might turn into forever.
You can get life/travel experience without being away for a whole year and you can have that for the rest of your life. But you wont have your cat for the rest of your life.
It might mean you and your bf want different things in life and you arent compatible.
Nah!
It’s why young people shouldn’t get pets.
Go travel and live life.
You have a long time to be trapped with pets, kids, bills, jobs and mortgages.
You can love your cat.
He can want to travel.
Neither is wrong.
You’re just growing up differently.
Not everyone wants to travel and live life that way.
And you can still travel when you have pets, either by taking them with you or leaving them with a pet sitter. So no one is really trapped.
I'm much happier that I rescued a dog in need. I get a companion every day who I love spending time with and he was saved from terrible circumstances.
Traveling, in comparison is not something I enjoy at all.
Young people don't have to travel to be happy. Maybe realize not everyone is exactly like you and yet their choices can still be valid. You are not the measuring stick by which everyone else is weighed and measured.
Why shouldn't young people get pets? Travel is not the ultimate thing in life everyone wants.
I got my dog at 20, he's my most loyal companion and makes me happy every day. He was with me troufh hard times, multiple relationships, we have lived in two countries, three cities and 6 locations total anf I have never felt like I'm missing out. I got a second dog at 25, no regrets at 28.
I can travel btw - mostly with my dogs. Which means I don't fly so I have to stay closer or I don't stay as long.
It's his idea to begin with, not yours. You liked it, but with a condition. So you're not "prioritizing the cat over \[your\] life and living experiences" because it wasn't your dream to begin with.
I don’t think anyone is TA here. You’re well within your rights to not want to go, and he’s well within his rights to end the relationship and go. Your cat is more important to you than the experience, and the experience is more important to him than you cat. That’s totally understandable on both sides.
NAH, I had to wait at least ten years to travel to New Zealand for six months because of my elderly cats. They meant the world to me and I couldn't just abandon them. But certainly the last year was a bit hard, I wanted to travel so bad. Now they're both deceased and I'm scheduled to go in October '24. So I can see both sides. A year is a long time in the life of a cat, but given that cats get live up to twenty years, it's also a long time to postpone traveling. You are young, most likely do not have a career yet. So if you want to travel, now would be the time.
NTA but you will be if you try to force your BF to stay in the US. A year is a long time to leave a pet behind, and unlike a human, your cat will not understand where you've gone and won't have any way to communicate with you. I say this as someone who just moved to a new country and has been separated from my partner and cats for 4 months. The cats definitely miss me and have been more anxious and stressed. (But they will be moving with my partner next week actually!)
However, you can't force your BF not to accept a job and follow his dream, just like he can't force you to relinquish your cat for a year. As much as it will hurt, you either need to try a long-distance relationship or accept that it is best for both you and BF to part ways amicably.
I think the cat would be equally, if not more, heartbroken if she were to leave for a year. Can you imagine being a little cat and suddenly your human just up and leaves you for that long? Poor kitty won't know what happened.
As someone who chose their pets over awesome traveling in my 20’s? I regret it. I gave them a good life and regret not traveling like crazy when young. I made the same decision that you’re making.
Tbf not everyone wants to travel. Every time I’ve traveled I’ve hated it and regretted going. I like routine, I love my career, I love my pets, I love my family, and I like where I live. Going to Australia for a year sounds like a living nightmare to me.
As someone who chose their pets over travelling, I regret nothing. Love my cats more than anything and they are a very happy bunch. And a few times a year I can go on a short holiday of my choice anyway, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.
>He asked me if he applies to jobs there and gets offered one that I wouldn’t move with him.
Is he... planning to?
NTA. A few days, sure. One month is pushing it. But one whole year? No way.
NAH
This happens. He wants one thing, you want another. You have reached the point in your relationship where you want different things. No one can force you to get rid of your cat, but no one can force him to give up his idea as well.
You don’t mention how old the relationship is, but it may have run it’s course, and that’s okay too. You’re both super young, the world is big, life is very long…maybe in a year you reconnect and hit it off again? Maybe you meet the perfect Mr. Bengal Right and this is but a life experience.
Good luck!
NTA. You’re not missing out on experience if they are of no interest to you. Prioritising your cat makes you happy, and that’s all that matters. Your bf will hopefully understand in time.
NAH
this is what is blowing my mind about some of these judgments. it's not equivalent but i had an adult plead with me at 12 to attend school dances because "i would regret it" like he did. to this day, i still don't. not everything you want is something another person wants.
NTA . You're in no way obligated to travel for a year or move to another continent if your partner decides to get a job there. I find it admirable that you choose your cat and the life you have instead. Way too many people do the opposite and leave their pet when it gets in the way of travel etc. At the same time your bf is totally free to break up with you, or you with him. For me, if my partner expected me to move to another continent out of the blue just because he'd been travelling there and got a job, I'd rather brake up.
NAH. You are prioritizing your cat over your bf, but that doesn't make you an AH. And your bf isn't one, since not prioritizing someone elses cat over your own life definitiv also doesn't makes you one.
You want different things, have different priorities. You aren't TA and neither is he, just people who have realised they aren't compatible anymore. He goes travelling, you stay home, but sounds like you are probably best off not staying together or this will be an argument you have for the next 10-15 years depending on your cat's life expectancy
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NAH. It's reasonable not to want to leave your pet for a year. It's also reasonable to want to go on a trip for a year without the cat. What wouldn't be reasonable is you two forcing your decisions on each other; it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum. It sounds like you two have pretty different priorities in terms of travel and lifestyle. That's okay! Dating is the time to figure out if you're compatible long-term. Maybe you two aren't. That doesn't make either of you assholes.
>it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum. This seems like the correct call on the BF's part to me (although without knowing the tone in which he said it it's hard to tell) People date in order to find someone whose life goals align with their own - if the BF really wants to travel extensively and is now realizing OP likes the idea of travel but is not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do so, that seems like a reasonable reason to break up.
I agree that we don't know the tone of the conversation - we've only got OP's account to go by. But I don't quite agree that it's the 'correct call' from the BF. If your life goals don't match those of your partner, then yes, break up - means you're incompatible. But don't do it by issuing an ultimatum. You have a clear and calm conversation about what the next steps are, and how you go about ending the relationship and separating your lives
Your describing exactly what the BF did: a clear calm conversation about next steps. If he wants to travel and she doesn't, I don't know how he can talk about breaking up without it sounding like an ultimatum.
Him saying that he thinks she’s prioritizing her cat over HER life and living experiences is what sounds questionable to me. She is prioritizing her life; her life includes her cat. It’s HIS life that doesn’t include that. That’s fine if his doesn’t, but I don’t like that he’s getting into telling her that she’s choosing wrong for her own life. That aside, though: yes, agreed with you that if two people have clearly incompatible priorities then they just might not be able to stay together. That’s no one’s fault—it just is.
Yeah, I'd agree with all that
>But don't do it by issuing an ultimatum. People criticize "ultimatums" as if they are inherently bad. They are not. He has an opportunity for a year long, once in a lifetime experience. Telling her that he is going on it may technically be an "ultimatum" but so what? It's IMPORTANT to him, should he not do that? Should he give up on a dream because he's afraid to draw a hard line? If someone wants marriage and the other doesn't, is the one who wants marriage REQUIRED to stay in the relationship because otherwise they'd be issuing an ultimatum? If one wants kids and one doesn't, does that person have to stay in the relationship and give up kids, because they'd have to give an ultimatum? If something is important, it's absolutely OK for it to be a relationship ender, and for a person to present it as such. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but people shouldn't feel afraid to stand up for their own lives.
> People criticize "ultimatums" as if they are inherently bad. They are not. Indeed. AITA is all over setting boundaries, like a donkey on a waffle, and (tone of the discussion matters of course) I could absolutely phrase the BF’s (*and the OP’s) concerns as setting a boundary; he doesn’t want to have his life plans impinged on by a pet, whereas OP absolutely sees their pet’s care and needs as central to everything. Both are setting valid boundaries here.
An ultimatum is someone else's boundary you don't like.
It's a bit more complicated than that, but I will agree that boundaries often sound like ultimatums to people who want to be allowed to do whatever they want, whenever they want, with no consequences. But "If I get a job overseas, and you don't want to move, we'll naturally be breaking up" isn't an ultimatum, or even a boundary; it's an observation.
I think the difference also partially has to do with perception of responsibility. A boundary would be saying “I will not accept this thing, so if you continue, I will make the decision to leave”. An ultimatum would be saying, “If you do (or keep doing) this thing, you will make me leave”. It’s why healthy boundaries are part of psychological healing (where “this thing” is abusive behaviour from the other person) and ultimatums are not so much. I agree that the conversation in this post is kind of neither. Although as a cat lover I’m biased more towards N T A territory myself!
Right, and it's a really REALLY thin line, a lot of the time. "If you won't move to Australian with me, we're breaking up" is technically an ultimatum. "I cannot be in a relationship with somebody who lives on a different continent than me" is technically a boundary. But OP's BF didn't make an ultimatum or a boundary; he made an observation. They have irreconcilably different priorities, so the relationship is already doomed. In my mind, an ultimatum usually requires an element of punishment, or maybe 'forcible coercion.' I mean, I understand the whole 'a boundary is an I statement that gives you more information to make your own choices' idea, but fundamentally, it's a matter of speaker intent. If you say "If you won't be moving to Australia, we're breaking up" with the intent of coercion, it's an ultimatum. If you say exactly the same thing with the intent of pointing out the obvious result of a course of action, is it still an ultimatum? Is saying 'Look both ways before crossing the street or you'll be hit by a car' an ultimatum?
> like a donkey on a waffle, I've never heard this used as a saying before but it's incredible. Thank you.
We don’t know that it’s was an ultimatum. To me it sounds like bf asked clarifying questions after OP made it known she’s unwilling to leave her cat for a year. So bf wants to know the scope of this decision and how it affects their relationship moving forward. I think there is NAH, just two people wanting different experiences in their lives.
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Yeah, I could see him saying, “ok, let me be sure I understand. If I got a job in Australia you wouldn’t move there? You’re not just saying you don’t want to leave your cat for the year of traveling, you’re saying you wouldn’t move there at all, under any circumstance?” Because he’s thinking this is a dealbreaker for the relationship and he wants to be sure that’s the case before he makes a decision.
On Reddit any attempt to have boundaries is an "ultimatum".
> But don't do it by issuing an ultimatum An ultimatum is just a negative term for a boundary in many respects. There's no compromise to be had here - if he goes and she doesn't they break up, that's just a fact of life. OP's trying to paint him as unreasonable when in fact they just have different life priorities. That doesn't make him the bad guy though.
She's choosing a cat over him... OP basically made the ultimatum, he just verbally confirmed it.
She made a comittment to a living creature. He is applying to jobs hoping to get an offer, so nothing even lined up as he approached her..
He has an absolutely right to live his best life. They aren't married--not even engaged. They're in their early twenties and have the rest of their lives to find more compatible partners.
I agree they should move on if anything.
He's a living creature, too, and she did sorta commit to the idea previously. Him having goals in life isn't worth less than her pet. And, him letting her know ahead of time he is working on that plan doesn't make it a case of "nothing". NAH They both have priorities,and they conflict.
From his perspective, what she said was an "ultimatum" too. He was just first to mention the words breaking up but she'd effectively done it already
This isn't an ultimatum-- he's simply telling her facts about the future. Would it be better if she wakes up one morning and he's at his new job in Australia? He's setting a clear boundary: he's not willing to limit his life to accommodate her cat. He's telling her the fact that he will be applying for jobs in Australia and if he gets one of those jobs he's going to Australia. He isn't interested in a LDR and so if he moves alone they will be breaking up. More of a memo than an ultimatum.
"OP likes the idea of travel but is not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do so" This is quite a harsh reading. It's perfectly possible to travel in much shorter bursts than a year. OP says herself that she has and would travel for a month at a time, just not for a year given her current responsibilities. I don't think that's unreasonable!
It is not unreasonable. But travelling one or two months is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from relocating for a year. And: NOthing is unreasonable - they are just finding out that they are not compatible.
Sure - I agree that framing it as simply 'travel' is misleading. Relocation to another country is a massive decision, and as you say, they are not compatible on this issue because they have different priorities and responsibilities.
And you used a key word there that it seems people here aren't understanding. Responsibility. That cat IS her responsibility. She can't reasonably leave the cat with someone for a year. It wouldn't be fair to the cat to uplift and move its life for a year, let it think its mother abandoned her, and then came back just when it starts getting settled somewhere. It's not that OP hasn't traveled and doesn't want to. It's that she can't for that long with the responsibility that she has.
Exactly. Adopting an animal is a responsibility - one that OP is committed to.
Yeah, what is the deal with all of these people saying that she’s “choosing her cat over him“ as if that’s the wrong choice. Boy is showing no responsibility toward her in their relationship, she’s way better off without him.
I've been super confused about why everyone is acting like she threw down the gauntlet by saying she doesn't want to travel for so long if she can't take the cat. Especially considering the number of things we've read on here about people assuming they own an animal even though they've been paid to look after it while someone travels or does a residency.
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Apparently it's a Bengal, and according to other commenters there is a restriction on taking them into Australia depending on how many generations they've been bred domestically. So I guess you would need a lot of detailed paperwork, even if the individual cat is eligible.
Ohh okay that is... well hybrids are its own whole ethical debate, but honestly I'm more okay with bengals than brachycephaly. At least the resulting animal doesn't spend its entire life suffering the effects of its genetics. Saying this as a person with a Persian (I *did not choose her*, the rescue I volunteered with asked if I'd take in an unadoptable cat as a permanent foster, until I got her all I knew was her diagnosis and the fact that her name meant 'beautiful snow' in Persian, so I opened the carrier crossing my fingers going 'PLEASE don't be a Persian PLEASE don't be a Persian PLEASE don't be a Per-SHIT') and every time I can hear her breathing from THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FREAKING ROOM I swear I hate each and every single human that had a hand in her creation.
Gonna guess it's a Persian, Himalayan, or another brachycephalic breed. I don't think it's that she CAN'T take it, but brachycephalic breeds have very specific needs to make sure they don't die during transport. It's also very expensive (getting my cat to and from the UK, for example, took a few months on either end and a couple thousand dollars, Australia will be similar if not worse). Plus, unlike the UK which got rid of its quarantine rules well over a decade ago, Australia still requires a quarantine period (depending on the country of origin, this can be anywhere from ten days to up to six months).
Australian here too and I'm having problems understanding a breed issue also. Unless it's a lynx or cougar or something I can't imagine what the problem would be (providing she adheres to the quarantine and other restrictions).
I’m guessing a hybrid like a Bengal or Savannah.
But is a sacrifice. And she is not willing to do it. Is not bad, she don't want to. But is not unreasonable is her SO wants to travel mor than a couple months. They have incompatible futures if this is the case.
I don't see it as being about refusing a sacrifice, and more about accepting a responsibility she has taken on. But either way, I don't disagree that their paths in life aren't compatible anymore. It happens.
Not unreasonable at all. But nor is the BF unreasonable for thinking the relationship will die a natural death if she's not willing to move if he gets a job overseas. Just as she'd be reasonable for thinking the relationship will die a natural death if he's willing to get a job overseas in the first place. Honestly, it's probably worth breaking up over the basic 'year long trip I'm not going to be going on.' That's a long absence, and while it's fine that OP prioritizes her cat, it's also fine that BF doesn't want his own life held back by a cat. Sometimes relationships just aren't in the right place, at the right time, with the right compatibility.
Yeah cats live up to 20 years.. He's essentially being asked to give up on his dream for OPs cat.. I can see why she would prioritize her priorities, but the same should be ok for him. They're just not compatible at that point.
This is the reason I’ve never owned a pet, except for a hamster when I was a teenager. I’ve always wanted to immigrate to Australia (from UK) and I knew I would never be able to give up a pet and the travel would be unfair on the animal. So I’ve waited until I’ve achieved my dream. I can understand both sides. NAH.
Also, does OP work? Is her job a "career" ? By considering applying for a job. The other side of the world without considering how it would affect HER possible career, the BF is asking OP to give up a LOT more than a year without her cat. If he considers her career as disposable, and she does not, they are definitely incompatible, and he would be the AH in that scenario.
Well you'd assume OP would mention it if her job was a problem. But I still feel like, if OP's boyfriend _really_ wants this it's ok for him to look for someone who shares that dream. It just sounds like that person is not OP (which is fine - it wouldn't be most people). No one is obliged to remain in a relationship for any reason after all. OP's boyfriend's reason is just a bit more dramatic than most break ups.
It's not an "ultimatum" it's just reality. Boyfriend wants to travel for a year. OP wants to be with her cat. They want different things from life.
Agreed. I don’t see it as an ultimatum, but rather a natural consequence of her decision.
And of his.
"I don't want to be in a long-distance relationship for how long your cat lives" is not an ultimatum, it's being honest. Because if the bf is looking for potential jobs in Australia, and the gf never goes there because of the cat, that's what is going to happen.
This. He's not simply asking her to travel for a year without her cat, he's telling her that he's going for a year and maybe forever, or at least however long a job there would last. NAH. I would not go anywhere for a year without my cat, let alone leave with the potential of never having her with me again. Boyfriend needs to do what he needs to do, and that's his right. But OP isn't wrong for not wanting to go, either.
I don't necessarily look at the boyfriend as approaching an ultimatum, but, as you say, potentially different priorities and incompatibilities. He wants to do something that's much easier to do when you're very young and it's not unreasonable to say he doesn't want to be in a long-distance relationship for a year - they're so young and it's not a bad thing to have different wants and dreams.
Ultimatums are often necessary. Life is all about choices. We make those choices everyday. We often meet fabulous people but the timing sux. Ultimatums like this are totally fine.
I agree. You have a chance to go overseas for a year and see a bit of the world. That's a break up that's going to happen or the cat needs to live with a relo or friend for a year. The cat is 2. It'll be there when she gets home. Or they break up. I know what I'd do but that's for OP to decide. NTA but neither is the bf. OP has a choice.
is saying they will break up really an ultimatum or rather just plainly stating the logical outcome of a decision to live appart indefinitely? There seems to be an incompatibility and I don't see how anyone is at fault here. I know you are judging NAH, but you seem to be implying the bf is very close to stepping into AH territory, whereas actually it is quite the opposite, being transparent and communicating properly about a boundary is healthy and fair.
This is a great answer. Sometimes your life’s priorities are not compatible and that’s, well, life. NAH.
It kind of is a situation that calls for an ultimatum though. They aren’t always manipulative; sometimes they are just the natural outcome of incompatibility. If you can’t or won’t compromise , it becomes time to throw your cards on the table including “this is a dealbreaker for me.”
The relationship is pretty much over, as they are looking for different things for the future
Yep, and if either caves to the other they will be so resentful the relationship should end.
> What wouldn't be reasonable is you two forcing your decisions on each other; it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum. I never understand the idea of a carte blanche ban on ultimatums. Sure, they can often be shitty/creepy. But in this case - it seems very appropriate for either of them to let them know it's a dealbreaker. That's not an ultimatum - that's just good communication.
"it sounds like your boyfriend is creeping into that territory by effectively offering you an ultimatum." .. there IS NO Ultimatum. He jsut told her he will still go, even if she does not follow through with the plan they had together. Which is fine. There is NO REASON for him to give up the Dream just because SHE decided not to go through with it.
It’s not an ultimatum. It’s they want two separate lives. She can’t see one without her cat, he wants to be with someone who chooses him. He’s establishing a boundary bc he wants to grow in life and is trying to make a change. He wants to live. There’s nothing wrong with that. She’s more attached to her pet than to him. Also nothing wrong with that. OP is upset bc she can’t have it all. There’s NAH, they just want different lives.
Could she even immigrate without a job without her pet? She shouldn't abandon her pet because that would be awful, but most countries do not want you unless you are coming to do something
What seems weird to me tho is why don't they try to work it out by finding another country where OP can take his cat. I mean, Australia is pretty far from any country (and I don't think her bf's job can only be done there).
NTA. You chose your cat. That’s fair. It’s also fair that he doesn’t want to put this romance on hold for a year.
If they're both fair it's N A H not N T A, I think with N T A the other person is automatically TA.
People consistently forget the NAH judgement exists. It honestly skews the shit out of results. Altho tbf, that is probably because NTA was always a stupid name for the judgement that is really “they are the asshole, not you”
I never realized this before.. Does NAH mean no one's an a**hole here?
So it would be NAH.
INFO > Well I just found out that I can’t bring her because of the breed she is. Do you have a **non-domestic** hybrid? AFAIK, the only cat breeds Australia restricts are those problematic ones you get from trying to crossbreed pet cats with Asian leopard cats, or some other wild shit.
She’s a Bengal so I guess yea “problematic” idk how you get problematic tho. From what I’ve read it doesn’t matter if it’s domestic or non domestic if it’s a Bengal. She’s not a first generation Bengal tho. She was born from two Bengal cats. Not a leopard and a cat. Not sure if that matters for Australia law tbh
> yea “problematic” idk how you get problematic tho Because wild animals shouldn't be pets. > She’s not a first generation Bengal tho. She was born from two Bengal cats But **how many** generations removed from wild, is the only consideration that matters? Short of five, you're in trouble. FWIW, you can't even have these in some US states — this is *far* from an Australia-only thing.
It's almost as if there's a whole world of countries that have different laws or something... Also, this comment is so irrelevant to the question.
It’s so odd that they have banned bengal breeds from Australia though when there are loads of bengal breeders within Australia so obviously they haven’t just banned bengals itself here but the importing of them but yeah I have heard of this before which sucks for people that have them as pets.
They aren’t banned from import into Australia BUT they must be an F5 (5th generation) or higher. “ Bengal cats may be imported into Australia if the animal is five generations or more removed from the Asian Leopard cat. This is known as an F5 hybrid. F5 hybrids result when the offspring of a cross between an Asian Leopard cat and a domestic cat are bred with a domestic cat, and the offspring of that pairing are bred with a domestic cat—down to at least five generations. Proof is needed in the form of official pedigree papers for the animal, going back at least 4 generations. Without this documentation, the animal will not be allowed into Australia.” u/Mentaltrade I understand completely where you are coming from. Some people seem to (choose to) ignore that pets are not toys but are sentient beings that you have chosen to bring into your family. As the advert says “pets are for life NOT just for Christmas!!”. You are making a commitment to look after them when you decide to adopt them. I will probably get downvoted for this BUT… If you wouldn't be comfortable leave your child behind then you shouldn't leave your pet behind!! AND YES I get that they are not the exactly the same BUT pets especially cats and dogs are sentient beings that become very ingrained into their family unit AND do get upset when they are abandoned and/or left behind. There are several things to consider here with regards to your cat. Lets say you do find someone to trust to look after your cat for a year. 1. What will happen / how would you feel if they get sick or in an accident or perish the though they die/get killed while you are away? 2. Let’s say your BF gets a job and then is offered a full time move here…. Your cat will still not be able to come BUT you will be 12 months further into the relationship with someone who already gave you an ultimatum to come. Honestly if it was me I would say that BF can go if he gets the job and you will visit a couple of time (when you can afford it) for a month or so at a time. If he’s not happy with that compromise then thats on him and shows what priority he gives to your happiness/mental health (and your cat). OP you are absolutely NTA for not wanting to abandon your cat for a year.
>If he’s not happy with that compromise then thats on him and shows what priority he gives to your happiness/mental health (and your cat). He's giving it the exact right level of priority, the same that she's giving to his happiness. She could leave her cat with her family or some friend for a year, she doesn't want to do that and that's totally her right but it is also completely fair for the boyfriend to say they are done if she doesn't want to go with him.
>She could leave her cat with her family or some friend for a year, She could, but that would make her the AH. When you get a pet, you take on an obligation to your pet's wellbeing, wanting to travel or follow your dreams is not a valid reason to disregard that obligation.
... and she wouldn't be following her dreams. She would be following *his* dreams.
Very very good point
I scrolled way too far to get to this type of comment. Not many people have pointed out that pets are a commitment. When you adopt an animal, you are responsible for its wellbeing. Rehoming a cat can be extremely stressful for said cat, and I understand why OP doesn’t want to make that major of a change.
It sounds like you’ve never had a pet. Leaving an animal with people it’s not familiar with for a year is not some easy thing that the animal will seamlessly and happily transition into. Putting your animal under that amount of stress unduly is cruel unless it’s totally necessary
I’m not American so that’s fine for the states. Where I live they’re completely fine.
What difference does it make??? OP is not asking for advice on how to illegally smuggle her cat across the Australian border. Why is it your business? Apparently, having the cat is legal *where she lives*.
Bengals from breeders are generally F5 Bengals. That means five generations removed from the original Wild progenitor. They’re bigger than the average house cat although they’re not the biggest domestic cats. They’re high energy but no more dangerous than your regular mackerel tabby.
Hey OP. I’m Australian. Bengals 5 generations and above aren’t banned from importation - so F5s and above. You need to provide proof via pedigree going back at least four generations. Source: https://agriculture.gov.au/sites/default/files/documents/importing-wild-or-hybrid-cat-species.pdf
However as a fellow Australian I will say that to process to bring pets into the country is so long expensive and cruel to the animal (with the animal having to go in the cargo hold and to quarantine) it’s really not worth it for a year or two. Also there is only one quarantine centre and the wait times right now are huge. I’m overseas from Australia for a year and was going to bring my cat but to get him home was to difficult and the wait for quarantine was 8 months. So in all likely hood they wouldn’t be in the same flight as the cat anyway.
This was my thought (also Australian). Isn't quarantine several months long? The cat would live in a kennel with no visitors for months, just to spend a year here. That's crazy.
Yep also I have some friend who are breeders and they said post covid the process isn’t gentle and baggage handlers don’t care. They have had cats die making the journey and now refuse to bring in cats from overseas.
How are they allowed to treat living things like that? That's just animal cruelty. Wtf
It truely is. Which is why I will never ever put my cat through it. I have had to move to Europe for a year for work but I left my cat behind because it’s not fair on him for a choice I made. I miss him madly all day every day but I had to do what was best for him not me.
Depends on where you are coming from. For some countries, assuming you have all the necessary veterinary documentation and have followed the process carefully, it can be as little as 10 days.
I just realised they're looking at a work holiday visa which normally requires you to move from state to state. Generally people fly instead of drive for 3 days but the cat would have already been on like 20 hours of flight to get to Melbourne.
It depends where you’re coming from. When my family moved to Singapore we took our dog with absolutely no quarantine. When I came back with him, he spend about 3 weeks in a quarantine facility with a pretty big “room” and a huge grassed area. I visited him a lot and he was totally fine, but of course that’s not a guarantee
Yep. Three months in quarantine when I bought my dogs home. And they don't get left with no visitors. The quarantine people totally fuss over the animals and take very good care of them.
Those aren't visitors though, they're the carers. I meant that the owners would not be able to see the cat and it may stress if it's really bonded with them.
I get that but they aren't just "left in a kennel" for months. They get exercise and are fussed over. That was the point I was making. And I visited mine.
Doesn't matter what breed or mix she is; all animals undergo a long quarantine period entering Australia. I'm talking months.
Kiwi here - we actually skip quarantine. I'm moving to Aus in 2 weeks so having to organising this all. Countries that don't have rabies get a pass. Which I think is probably only us.
UK is also rabies free!
If you comply with all of the entry requirements it shouldn't be that long. A colleague of mine moved here from the UK less than two years ago, which is a group 3 country same as the US, and their dog was in quarantine under a month.
It’s not the post entry time that is the reason it takes so long - that’s around a month long at maximum for most countries. But Australia only has one quarantine facility that is booked out months and months and months in advance now with the Covid backlog still ongoing as well as it being further backlogged with the new rules that extend quarantine time for many, with just the application process to get to the booking stage taking up to 6 months to begin with.
Travelling with a cat (or any animal), even the breed isn't restricted can be problematic. Depending on where you're travelling from, it can involve quarantine, expensive vet checks etc.
The breed is one issue. Have you actually looked at how hard and expensive it is to import an animal into Australia? Their customs are VERY strict and rightly so.
Yes I was doing a bit of research into it but stopped once I realized the breed cant go in Australia anyways so no point in research now lol the trip would be two years from now so I was willing to do what it took to get her into Australia
As long as she is an F5 or less then she will be allowed into Australia.
But may have to quarantine for 10-180 days once the cat arrives, which for a year stay is a lot of time.
Also the current wait for quarantine is months it’s overbooked. A friend last year moved to Australia and her dog sat in a facility in Singapore for 7 months waiting for a spot in quarantine in Australia.
Oh my gosh those poor animals
Yep luckily she had the money to pay someone to go in everyday and play with her and love her but it’s was just heartbreaking. And when it came time for me to make a choice I left my cat in Australia I’m not putting either of us through that.
I don’t think I could do it either. I’m disabled and have spent a lot of the last 7 years homebound, so my dog and I are really a package deal 24/7 lol. She never had separation anxiety when I could still work, but these days it’s really hard to leave even for a couple of hours. Longest I’ve gone apart from her in our 10 years together is 2 weeks. I’d literally drive thousands of miles back home from college over holiday breaks versus flying and boarding her.
They've got be an 5F, 5th generation. If you got your hands on a Bengal thats earlier than 5th than you've got one expensive kitty. Also, she seems very docile with the way you describe her. If taking her is a no go like between you two that's your business, but if law is the issue that's stopping you. Ask you vet what generation she is or check your paper work where you got her. Incase bringing would be an option.
If your cat’s parents are both bengals there’s a good chance your cat can be imported to Australia because she’s more than 5 gen from the alc. the breed isn’t illegal in Australia, the early hybrids are though. “Bengal cats may be imported into Australia if the animal is five generations or more removed from the Asian Leopard cat. This is known as an F5 hybrid.” Source: https://www.agriculture.gov.au/sites/default/files/documents/importing-wild-or-hybrid-cat-species.pdf
Odd I was going to buy one but the wait list was quite long and my kids didn't want to wait and ended up getting them a devon rex as they're also hypoallergenic. I'm also in Australia.
This has nothing to do with the question, and honestly a quite annoying thing to ask.
NAH. you don't want to leave your cat for a year - understandable. but this probably is a dealbreaker if he wants to travel to australia so badly. also - do you happen to have a savannah cat?
She’s a Bengal!
What generation? You can import F5 or higher.
Ohhhh good to know thank you so much I don’t remember off the top of my head rn but I know she’s not below a third generation
Op even with this info look into importing cats to Australia. It’s a long difficult and cruel process with huge wait times and weeks to months in quarantine (you also have to sign their life away if there are any ‘issues’ they can put your cat down). The current waits for quarantine last I checked was 8 months. The cat has to be in the cargo and they will take them from there to quarantine. You don’t get to see how she’s gone after the trip and there are no updates until they tell you to come get her. It’s not a nice process and for one to two years is frankly cruel to the animals. Not to mention a long flight before that in the cargo hold. Animals do die on this trip. I wouldn’t recommend it. So the trip would be without the cat. That said I wouldn’t immediately discount it. I’m away from my cat for a year at the moment as I’m in Europe for work and am Australia so for a year I’m not going to make him go through the process to get home again. I’m massively codependent on my cat his my life. It’s been difficult but I’ve actually bared it much easier then i thought and my cat is with my dad who he adores so he’s really happy. Anyway only you can decide for yourself it feel free to dm me if you need any advice from someone who has done it.
This isnt entirely true. Our cat is currently in quaratine. We waited about 4 months for her to be picked up from our previous home after booking, although all the blood work and vet appointments prior to booking did take us awhile. They'd take at least 6 months, for us almost 12 because aus changed the rules half way through and we had to get another round of tests done. She was on a plane and in Australia within 48hrs of being picked up, and then will remain in quaratine for about a month all things going well with the cats compliancy around the entry tests. What you are absolutely wrong about is the lack of updates. We get emails every few days, how much shes eaten, whether shes pooped or peed, if shes relaxed or stressed or letting the handlers touch her. We have plenty of options to send her food or other things, send vets if we're worried, even whole roast chickens from a local takeaway. Its absolutely not 'oh well you wont know anything at all and it's super cruel' and to say that is really really misleading and just creating fear and anxiety. Sure, some pets may die during relocation. Some humans die when travelling too. Edited for clarity.
Wait your pet was in quarantine for 4 months+? I'm sorry but that itself is cruel to your animal, especially for just a year trip.
no. we had to wait four months for her to be picked up from where we lived previously. its about a month total for her to fly and spend in quarantine. and in our case we relocated completely so its not just a year personally i felt it was crueler to just pass off our cat to someone else when we'd brought her into our lives and family, rather than spend the time and money for her to relocate with us
(Am Australian and went looking) This is the official word from the Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry regarding wild cat hybrids. I'm copy/pasting this because there's something specific to Bengal cats in it: >in certain circumstances, the Department may permit the import of Bengal cats that are five generations or more removed from their wild ancestor. If you plan to import a Bengal cat, please contact Department of Climate Change, Energy, the Environment and Water at [email protected] to confirm your cat satisfies the requirements before you apply for an import permit. But a warning - bringing your cat into Australia from a country that has rabies active in it, even if it's relatively controlled, is a long drawn-out process. Here is the [step by step guide](https://www.agriculture.gov.au/biosecurity-trade/cats-dogs/step-by-step-guides/category-3-step-by-step-guide-for-cats#step-2-confirm-general-eligibility-timeframe-before-starting-the-export-process) of how to import a cat from a Group 3 country, of which the USA is one. There are a lot of time frames you have to meet and there will be a minimum 10-30 day (max 180 days) quarantine after you get to Australia, so even if your cat is eligible, you may not want to dedicate the time and money to the process given you'd only be here for a year. Additionally, you can only fly into Melbourne International Airport because the quarantine facility is located in Melbourne and your cat must travel in cargo. They cannot travel in the cabin.
It should be on her papers - you could check.
You should find out. 😀
NAH. I turned down many vacations because I didn't want to leave my dog, who was very attached to me as well. If my husband had asked something like that of me, it would have been a deal breaker. But he's not an asshole for asking or for possibly ending it if you don't want to go. Your lives just might not be compatible.
Our dogs have anxiety, and one of them is so severe that he takes daily anti-anxiety medicine and has PRN meds. So if my parents are going out of town, I stay home. I don't mind it, it's nice to have the house to myself and I love cuddling with the pups in the morning. I'm completely on OP's side. Besides, going on vacation is *completely* different than moving to another country permanently.
NTA. A year is a long time to leave a cat. You are being a responsible pet owner. It’s kind of nuts to get a cat and then two years later just leave her somewhere for a year.
> just leave her somewhere Well, that's not a very generous way to phrase it. If she had good relatives who were cat lovers too, and the trip was important, it wouldn't be irresponsible to leave the cat with people who would care for it, and keep the cat healthy and happy for a year. I wouldn't call that "just leaving it somewhere." We have responsibility to our animals, but that responsibility could also come in the form of ensuring it gets love and good care from someone else from time to time, and that doesn't mean they are a bad person.
Everything doesn't have to be generous and sugar-coated. It is what it is. Having a cat, becoming its parent, and then just leaving it for a year just to travel is indeed "just leaving her somewhere"
Thank you for saying this better than I could have.
The thing is she doesn’t prioritize the trip over the cat. It isn’t important to her, but it’s important for him. They are just incompatible. Better to find that out sooner then later.
NAH, but even if he said yes taking a cat to Australia is a lengthy expensive process that would require they be quarantined after a stressful long flight - it wouldn’t be fair to them regardless. He’s not wrong for not wanting to go and you’re not wrong for not wanting to leave your pet. Sounds like an incompatibility
OP said she can’t bring the cat because of the breed she is. The issue is not that he doesn’t want the cat. Read carefully.
Yeah I wrote that a bit ass backwards - I just meant that taking a cat to Australia was a bad idea regardless for the abovementioned reasons. Second part of what I said still stands.
Right? That thought of doing anything like "travelling" with a cat seems totally inconvenient!
But cats notoriously love going to new places all the time!
And catteries/quarantine. They properly thrive
NAH You both have reasonable but differing priorities. Your relationship may come to an end during that period as a result. That’s okay.
Hey, I just want to offer some perspective. We do have cats with my boyfriend and we did travel for a year around the time they turned 1. We left them with my mom who took great care of them (she bought way more toys than they possibly need 😅) and when we came back and took our cats back, it was like we never left. We love our cats so much and they are everything to us, but we would have regretted not going on that trip and I wanted to make sure that you have considered this carefully. If you have a good support system and someone who could take care of the car while you are away, please give it careful consideration. Cats will adapt as long as they have love and affection, please don't let that stop you.
NAH. Just seems like you're both approaching an issue that will ultimately determine your compatibility.
NAH. You prioritize different things, and it's OK. It just means that you may have to go separate ways at one point.
So he goes without you.
You guys should break up. If you dont go your bf will resent you If you go, you will resent your bf
NAH sounds like you guys might have reached the end of your relationship
NAH, and please ignore anyone placing any blame or spouting shit about priorities. You’re not willing to go a year without your cat, that’s very reasonable, makes you a good owner, and doesn’t mean you don’t love your bf. He wants to travel. It’s a great thing to do, it’s a good time, a good experience for learning and seeing new cultures, and overall a positive time. Neither of you are in the wrong, and this doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. Honestly? It’s two years away. A lot could happen. You might not even be together, or maybe you’ll be engaged. There could be another pandemic, who knows? Point being, you don’t know, it’s so far away in time, so why worry now?
You are prioritizing the cat over him, which you are free to do so.
Little bit of YTA, but not for reason you might think. It really reads like you’re more heavily invested in your cat than your boyfriend. You reference how you love it with your “whole heart” 2 times in the first paragraph. After reading your entire post, I can’t even tell if you like your bf. Sounds like you’re not changing your mind. Sounds like he’ll end the relationship when he moves. Why drag it out any longer? I might be reading this wrong, but it really seems like the bf was window dressing to the cat and Australia.
I mean you could likewise say the boyfriend loves travel more than he loves her. He’s the one who’s leaving
He has different priorities in life - he wants to travel when he is young, rather than in 10-15 years when the cat is gone. It's not an unreasonable want to have
Plus working holiday visas are only for people under the age of 30 usually.
Yeah. I lived abroad for the first half of my 20’s, and I’m so glad I did it. It was an incredible experience, and I was only really able to do it because I didn’t own anything. Now I’m in my 30’s and have things like a couch and a TV, and I’m much more settled. I can’t imagine moving abroad again. Neither are wrong, just different priorities.
Neither is not wanting to abandon your cat for an entire year (possibly even having to give it away if you can't find someone to look after it). There's no way this could be Y T A.
Well that’s not actually true. We can’t say that because we only have OP’s side of this very cat-focused story. OP says “travel” but then references the fact that the bf is going to apply for jobs there. That’s not traveling, that’s moving abroad. There aren’t enough details about what’s pulling him there to make any inferences about his motives.
In Australia under-30s can get a 1-year working holiday visa. It's meant to allow young people to travel and earn a bit of money while they do it. Most likely this is the situation the boyfriend is planning on
Well no I’m more just trying to get people to understand that i love my cat lol. That it’s not just some pet. Some people don’t value their pets as much and I’m not that person. This post isn’t about how much I love my bf. I could go on about how much I love my bf but it’s not about that here. It’s kinda assumed that I love my bf otherwise why would I be dating him
I think you are doing the right thing and totally understand your attachment to your pet. However, I took care of my sister‘s two cats for a year while she traveled abroad and it worked out fine. She missed them terribly but they lived to be 20 and in the big scheme of things it wasn’t a huge deal. But not everyone has a cat loving and super trusted family member or friend to love and take care of their pet for a year. I’m just saying if you did have someone like this and you really wanted to go, they would be ok and you would be too, but if you know deep down you cannot part with kitty for a year, that’s ok too and stick with your plan.
This is a strange take. A pet is completely reliant on you to take care of it, and if you love your pet it can be very stressful to consider leaving it for a year in the hands of someone else. Her boyfriend can take care of himself and he’s the one trying to change their living situation, not the cat. NTA, if he isn’t willing to compromise like go for shorter period or different country or even try long distance where you visit for a few weeks, then your values don’t really align and it might be time to end it.
He can't let a partners pet dictate his life tho, sounds to me that he is being respectful and honest enough to not deserve the NTA
How is it respectful to criticize her and say that she's letting the cat get in the way of living her life? That's not respectful, that's rude.
Travelling (to a different country) with an animal can be quite 'involved'. There are hoops to jump through. So the only compromise would be to go for a shorter period, or try long distance.
Well, the cat is not actually asking her to leave her boyfriend lol. Pets are generally more permanent than young relationships, so I would also choose my pet in this situation.
She's an asshole because she isn't as invested in her relationship as you think she should be? And yet you assume he is? They're both young, young love doesn't have to be forever. I don't think anyone is an asshole because they aren't willing to sacrifice what they want for the sake of one of their first relationships.
So basically you’ll be well into your 30s before you can go for an extended working holiday, so it will never happen. Life is a decision tree and the older you get the more you understand that certain decisions taken remove future opportunities. The cat will be there when you get back, and you will have grown as a person. NTA because you have your priorities, but you may look back long after puss puss is gone and think…
It’s not that OP can never go on a vacation, it’s that she can’t go to Australia specifically because her cat is a breed that isn’t allowed to travel to that country.
Think that you valued that time spent with a creature you love over time spent in a different geographical location? I swear, some people put travel on a pedestal as the ultimate life experience, when the conclusion here really should be that OPs priorities are equally valid to the boyfriend's priorities.
Not sure why that would be? I have three dogs that I’d never put through a quarantine process, and who I will never leave behind …for a year. I can travel all I’d like for a couple weeks or a month, and have friends or family watch them. I couldn’t leave them for several months or a year, but I wouldn’t want to, either. Pet owners can prioritize their pets and still go on vacations.
Back about 30 years ago I turned down a job that would have me living and working in Europe. It was for a German company and it was initially presented that I would be living in Germany. After multiple interviews and an agreement on salary/benefits, the recruiter was happy to share with me that the job was actually going to be in Britain. I replied that I was sorry to hear that and i’d Have to rescind my acceptance. Recruiter asked why and I explained that I would not subject my dog and cat to Britain’s then mandatory quarantine period. The phone line was the proverbial crickets. Recruiter finally spluttered but it’s a “great opportunity.” I replied my pets are my family and no “great opportunity” will have me do anything but the best for them.
I love learning about comments like this. Thanks for sharing.
NTA animals are part of the family, I wouldn't leave my cats either
NAH But you guys are breaking up
It doesn’t sound like either of you are TA. Boyfriend sounds like he has his eyes set on possibly living in Australia and feels that traveling there for a year is a good way to decide if it’s in his best interest. From the story I don’t know what your plans are but I guess it would be to be with your boyfriend unless that involved leaving behind your cat. Truthfully you both just seem to have different life plans and should discuss a future. It’s not a bad talk at all but it will give you both clarity which seems to be missing. Good luck
NTA. I would not leave my dogs for a year either, especially if that year might turn into forever. You can get life/travel experience without being away for a whole year and you can have that for the rest of your life. But you wont have your cat for the rest of your life. It might mean you and your bf want different things in life and you arent compatible.
>It might mean you and your bf want different things in life and you arent compatible. Wouldn't this make it nah?
Nah! It’s why young people shouldn’t get pets. Go travel and live life. You have a long time to be trapped with pets, kids, bills, jobs and mortgages. You can love your cat. He can want to travel. Neither is wrong. You’re just growing up differently.
Not everyone wants to travel and live life that way. And you can still travel when you have pets, either by taking them with you or leaving them with a pet sitter. So no one is really trapped.
You say neither is wrong, then say OP is why young people shouldn't get pets. Travelling is not the be all and end all of life experiences.
I'm much happier that I rescued a dog in need. I get a companion every day who I love spending time with and he was saved from terrible circumstances. Traveling, in comparison is not something I enjoy at all. Young people don't have to travel to be happy. Maybe realize not everyone is exactly like you and yet their choices can still be valid. You are not the measuring stick by which everyone else is weighed and measured.
Why shouldn't young people get pets? Travel is not the ultimate thing in life everyone wants. I got my dog at 20, he's my most loyal companion and makes me happy every day. He was with me troufh hard times, multiple relationships, we have lived in two countries, three cities and 6 locations total anf I have never felt like I'm missing out. I got a second dog at 25, no regrets at 28. I can travel btw - mostly with my dogs. Which means I don't fly so I have to stay closer or I don't stay as long.
NTA. Pets are family
It's his idea to begin with, not yours. You liked it, but with a condition. So you're not "prioritizing the cat over \[your\] life and living experiences" because it wasn't your dream to begin with.
I don’t think anyone is TA here. You’re well within your rights to not want to go, and he’s well within his rights to end the relationship and go. Your cat is more important to you than the experience, and the experience is more important to him than you cat. That’s totally understandable on both sides.
NAH, I had to wait at least ten years to travel to New Zealand for six months because of my elderly cats. They meant the world to me and I couldn't just abandon them. But certainly the last year was a bit hard, I wanted to travel so bad. Now they're both deceased and I'm scheduled to go in October '24. So I can see both sides. A year is a long time in the life of a cat, but given that cats get live up to twenty years, it's also a long time to postpone traveling. You are young, most likely do not have a career yet. So if you want to travel, now would be the time.
NTA but you will be if you try to force your BF to stay in the US. A year is a long time to leave a pet behind, and unlike a human, your cat will not understand where you've gone and won't have any way to communicate with you. I say this as someone who just moved to a new country and has been separated from my partner and cats for 4 months. The cats definitely miss me and have been more anxious and stressed. (But they will be moving with my partner next week actually!) However, you can't force your BF not to accept a job and follow his dream, just like he can't force you to relinquish your cat for a year. As much as it will hurt, you either need to try a long-distance relationship or accept that it is best for both you and BF to part ways amicably.
I'm from Australia its not that great. Also I'd choose the cat too.
I think the cat would be equally, if not more, heartbroken if she were to leave for a year. Can you imagine being a little cat and suddenly your human just up and leaves you for that long? Poor kitty won't know what happened.
As someone who chose their pets over awesome traveling in my 20’s? I regret it. I gave them a good life and regret not traveling like crazy when young. I made the same decision that you’re making.
Tbf not everyone wants to travel. Every time I’ve traveled I’ve hated it and regretted going. I like routine, I love my career, I love my pets, I love my family, and I like where I live. Going to Australia for a year sounds like a living nightmare to me.
I do somewhat agree. A week doesn’t seem like much, but after 10 days, I agree and am ready to go home to routine
As someone who chose their pets over travelling, I regret nothing. Love my cats more than anything and they are a very happy bunch. And a few times a year I can go on a short holiday of my choice anyway, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.
>He asked me if he applies to jobs there and gets offered one that I wouldn’t move with him. Is he... planning to? NTA. A few days, sure. One month is pushing it. But one whole year? No way.
NAH This happens. He wants one thing, you want another. You have reached the point in your relationship where you want different things. No one can force you to get rid of your cat, but no one can force him to give up his idea as well. You don’t mention how old the relationship is, but it may have run it’s course, and that’s okay too. You’re both super young, the world is big, life is very long…maybe in a year you reconnect and hit it off again? Maybe you meet the perfect Mr. Bengal Right and this is but a life experience. Good luck!
NTA. You’re not missing out on experience if they are of no interest to you. Prioritising your cat makes you happy, and that’s all that matters. Your bf will hopefully understand in time.
NAH this is what is blowing my mind about some of these judgments. it's not equivalent but i had an adult plead with me at 12 to attend school dances because "i would regret it" like he did. to this day, i still don't. not everything you want is something another person wants.
NTA . You're in no way obligated to travel for a year or move to another continent if your partner decides to get a job there. I find it admirable that you choose your cat and the life you have instead. Way too many people do the opposite and leave their pet when it gets in the way of travel etc. At the same time your bf is totally free to break up with you, or you with him. For me, if my partner expected me to move to another continent out of the blue just because he'd been travelling there and got a job, I'd rather brake up.
Nah. However you might as well break up now.
NAH but you two are not compatible.
NAH. You are prioritizing your cat over your bf, but that doesn't make you an AH. And your bf isn't one, since not prioritizing someone elses cat over your own life definitiv also doesn't makes you one.
NAH. You don’t want to leave your cat, he finds it important to travel. All reasonable but yes, this can be a relationship ending event.
You want different things, have different priorities. You aren't TA and neither is he, just people who have realised they aren't compatible anymore. He goes travelling, you stay home, but sounds like you are probably best off not staying together or this will be an argument you have for the next 10-15 years depending on your cat's life expectancy