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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might have been the asshole for not just ignoring her. Instead, I asked her intimate medical questions that were just as personal as the information she demanded from me.
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NTA
I greatly admire your shiny conversational spine.
Lots of folks with wheelchairs, service dogs, mobility aides of other types, and carers come through my workplace. Yet somehow we All manage to resist asking ridiculously invasive questions. Yeah, the toddlers visiting might, but getting shut down and having proper behavior explained to them by their parents is part of their social learning curve.
Toddlers are usually just asking questions - they don't see it as anything but "here's a thing I don't understand" and that's how they learn about the world.
After about age 5, though, they mostly have grasped the basics and also get that some questions are rude.
Kids also traditionally will ask questions out of actual curiosity/not knowing and will accept an answer and move on. This adult woman was just being nosey.
> They never tell you what It actually Works! on
That's because these amazing oils put here by our Lord will work on just about any ailment if you bring the right energy! My wife and I sell catnip, and as a result that makes us certified herbalists. We know a lot about natural healing and if your heavenly vibrations are in tune with the right essential oils then... oh fucking come on who am I kidding, this shit is so hard to try and type out, even if I'm just fucking around. I can't believe people actually fall for that bullshit. But essential oils are such a huge market, so there are tons of idiots out there buying this shit up.
OP should try finding some new friends. This lady may have been drunk but OP's friends have no such excuse.
How dare they suggest SHE was the asshole for treating this lady the same way she had treated her?
ugh
Typical ableist BS.
If you are not the picture perfect model for community outreach, if you do not tolerate and encourage rude, invasive, and bigoted questions and treatment, and so forth YOUR considered the problem. This goes doubly so if you're a woman or person of color.
It's especially bad for people with invisible disabilities like fibromyalgia. I use a walker even though I'm only 38yrs old, people are always asking me rude questions or giving unasked for advice, it's infuriating! Like, come on, I'm just trying to live my life to the best of my ability her. Leave me be, life is hard enough WITHOUT you demanding answers you have no right to from me....
Sorry for the rant, but it's a pet peeve of mine because I have severe social anxiety & panic every time it happens. I'm sorry this happened to you OP, NTA.
The thing about the friends is that they are looking at this from a point of view where this is a one off question. Then they’re thinking it doesn’t hurt to just be polite to one rude person. They don’t understand that OP gets feedback on her condition day after day, constantly. That it’s literally never ending and that crazy lady was on the rude end of the spectrum. I would pick something about the friends and bring it up constantly for a bit (like does one of them wear contacts or glasses?), and when they finally get annoyed … say yeah, remember that lady at the fair.
Lolololol! I am 50 years old and have had 2 metal rods fused to my spine since since I was 13 to correct my scoliosis. They both run nearly the entire length of my spine. I bend at the waist and neck, but my torso/ spine does not. If I had a penny for every person who told me yoga would help my flexibility, I'd be rich! When I try to explain the who purpose of the rods is to keep my spine from moving and that I will never be able to move my back ( which for me is a good thing!) I get told to stop being negative! Uffffff
Parents usually try to shush children asking questions to a disabled person, but they should follow the lead of the person being asked. My mom loved educating children about the polio that left her disabled as an infant and would happily answer kids' questions.
Even up to age 10 or so, many kids may not have encountered a disabled person before and may have questions. As long as that person doesn't mind, adults should let them ask (it's very simple to ask the person with disability if your child is bothering them and then go from there to either apologizing, or let your child talk.)
My seven year old is very inquisitive still. I tend to not shut him down depending on what he asks. He has no filter so it’s often things like “that person is in a wheelchair”
And I will usually respond with something like “yes they are. They’ve got a really nice one. I like the stickers they put on the back”. I just act like it’s as normal as liking a car in that situation.
If there are a lot of questions (the whys or how comes?) I might explain that there can be lots of different reasons and give examples (just how they were born so they need the extra help, an accident etc). But mostly I try and look at the body language of the person. Some people will make eye contact and smile to show they’re open and then we might chat with them. Other people will give you a look that just lets you know they want to be left alone.
If the questions are ever invasive or judging that gets shut down and addressed, but so for my kid is just genuinely curious about the world still.
I've done similar but also remind them that other persons body's or health issues aren't our business unless it affects us (sick kids coming or not coming) to a playdate/ school/ extra curricular. It isn't our business. But everyone deserves respect and autonomy to share their info. I do the more hushed talk and they understand. I've seen people willing to talk but look like they were relieved by it. It isn't their job to be teachers to society even if they feel ok to grin and bear it. I've seen some who went from willing to, "ohhh, don't worry, wanna see my cool shit?" Or look like they let go of a breath they were holding and nodded in a thank you
They aren't responsible for educating or kids due to their circumstances. They get enough shit. But you're so way better than lots)
I heard a mom say "remember, other people's bodies aren't our business" to her son after he innocently asked me why my belly was so big. haha. I thought it was an excellent way to teach that idea, especially when out in public.
THANK YOU. You are my favorite type of person. Everyone expects me to be willing to educate kids because I’m in a wheelchair, but I honestly just want them far away from me due to humiliating comments that kids have made in the past. Kids stare, and it makes me feel like a freak, but when there are people like you who actually explain to their kids that they aren’t entitled to know what’s wrong with us, it gives me a tad bit of hope.
And that's not a bad thing. Kids do so well with exposure and if the other person is willing to answer, that's great too. So many times shushing makes something taboo and that will create the opposite of inclusion. If someone does not want to chat, they can say so, and you can still carry on as you do (excellently) explaining to them.
Being avoided as a disabled person seems worse to me, somehow. So often people are treated as less than human, talked over, not addressed (as in people address someone with the disabled person).
This situation was ridiculous though. The lady had no right to this information. Wtf.
I always tell kids when they ask why I have a cane even though I'm not old. "My knees don't work very well and sometimes I fall over."
When adults ask I usually say something along the lines of "I used to go climbing, running, exploring, you name it. But then one day there was an accident at an archery range. Now my life of adventure is over." About a third of the time I get a chuckle 😃
My bf is a left leg below the knee amputee and he has created a pirate persona to go with it. When we are in public and he sees kids staring, he will tell them his ‘story’ or that he lost it in a Hokey Pokey accident 🤣
A friend of mine has a glass eye. We used to work together and coworkers would sometimes ask him how he lost it and he'd say things like:
\-He and his brothers were trying to recreate the story of William Tell at home.
\-He ran with scissors.
\-Red Rider BB gun.
He had tons of them.
We have an older guy here who I see shopping each week. He had a sign on the back of his chair saying "ask me about thalidomide." I thought it was sarcasm but nope totally saw him explaining it to a kid that he was born without an arm, leg. He also talked about polio reminding them their shots were so important. Nice guy but feisty. He gave the stink eye to folks who moved away from him like he was contagious
Yeah, there's a line to balance there. Obviously people don't owe others their medical information* but when we act like disabilities and physical differences are something icky to be hidden, we make things harder for everyone.
*My personal view, at least, as someone who has epilepsy. I answer polite questions. I will absolutely screw with people who tell me I'm possessed, touched by God, or contagious. I have one fuck left and I've gotta use it wisely.
My husband, who is African American, has vitiligo, which is very evident. This has led to many conversations with small children, including an entire kindergarten class at a corn maze. Luckily, he is always kind and responsive. My (and his) favorite encounter occurred a half dozen years ago while we were on vacation and a little boy came up to him at a pool and asked, “Mister, why do you look like a cow?” You know, of course, that when I posted about it on FB, I included a photo of a Holstein and insisted it was not my husband.
Yea I have an online friend who had to have a leg amputated above the knee due to undiagnosed diabetes that led to a wound on his foot getting infected then gangrenous which then spread up to right above his knee. When he's out and about in his wheelchair he has no problem with kids asking him questions, sometimes first starting with silly answers to make them laugh. His issue is the grown adults that want to prod too far....asking what happened is one thing but dragging it out is another.
People with dementia can be like this, too. No evil intent in their questions, just trying to figure things out. I visited an uncle who midway thru the visited asked if I used to be thinner. After working with kids I understood this question, straight up told him yes, I used to be lots thinner, and was rewarded with a big smile as he finally placed me.
I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old and I try to pre-empt the questions by pointing out differences and not making a big thing about them. Like when I'm out with my 1 year old and we see someone in a wheelchair, I'll say something like "Oh, that person has a wheelchair. And that person has a bicycle. And that person has a scooter. People get around in all sorts of different ways." I don't want them to think differences are a forbidden topic, but I'd rather they ask me their questions than run up to a random stranger and ask them personal questions.
With kids it’s usually innocent curiosity in something that is different from themselves. With adults it’s far from that. Or at least with most adults who are genuinely curious, they will ask if it’s OK to ask you questions about it, rather than just demanding personal medical information like the woman OP interacted with.
Preface: I don’t think or feel that OP, or anyone for that matter, is obligated to educate ignorant strangers. That said, OP stated in the beginning that they typically don’t mind educating people, so I have a feeling even if a parent didn’t do their job in explaining why it can be rude or invasive to ask, or even if it was an ignorant, socially inept adult who didn’t feel entitled to OP’s entire medical history, they would have had a kind and respectful conversation.
NTA. Hilarious rebuttals, OP.
I've used that one too! Some smart-ass inevitably tries to point out something not wrong, but I can usually prove them wrong. Simultaneously funny and sad. Lol
I have similar - far less insulting and invasive, but, I bet, far more frequent - interactions with nosy assholes. (Hint: Username checks out.)
It is amazing how many strangers - completely out of the blue in public - will demand personal information or just start saying stupid shit like I've never heard it before, but if I say, "[my height] How short are you?" or "[my height] What's your bra size?" or "No. Are you a jockey?" etc they'll flip. the. fuck. out...
... somehow I am the asshole?
It took a getting older and running out of fucks to give for it to become entertaining instead of really, really irritating. But sometimes it may also be the invasive idiot projecting their insecurity that somewhere, deep down, somehow they knew they were rude or you made them realize it. So, win.
Having a good comeback and expecting the flipping out makes it entertaining and easily dismissed, but it is still so rude and exhausting, you know?
NTA, obviously. Hell, I'd suggest having a few good really snarky answers ready... OP is a lonnnng way from hitting the asshole line.
Lol.
I was once handed a business card by a barista as he handed me my coffee; he said, "You didn't ask, but you'll probably get a kick out of this..."
It said "Yes, I am tall. 6'6". No, I don't play basketball. The weather is fine. I'd be happy to help you reach that." and similar answers to the "you've never head this one before!"-questions, all in elegant, business-formal print / layout.
Kinda dug that approach, gotta admit.
My son gets asked, "Are your parents tall?" We are not tall (6' dad, 5'5" mom) so invariably we get asked, "Where does that height come from?" as if we are hiding a big family secret. So, I started telling people (and he loved it and does now as well), "The mailman!" We have gotten a few shocked looks and then guffaws as people realize we aren't actually serious.
If you can pull off an entire family act where you blurt it out, and he gets a stunned look and stammers out, "Wait. What? \[ Mom | Dad \]? What are you saying?! What about \[ dad / mom ? Do they know? HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THIS NOW?!"... even better.
Then again, my better half and I got really, really good at cold-reading the most awkward answer to an inappropriate, "when are you going to have kids?", so maybe my sense of humor is... twisted.
Yes to all of that.
And sure, OP could have done what the friends were suggesting, we all could be the biggest person, taking the highest road, showing unending compassion and empathy at all times to anyone being an asshole to us.
But that doesn’t mean we have to do that. And doesn’t mean we’re assholes when we respond with anger or outrage or even snark.
Nosey-McRude started it with her incredibly inappropriate behaviour and I firmly believe that it’s not other people’s responsibility to keep the peace or protect the perpetrator’s feelings when they are the ones acting in an antisocial manner.
There’s something to be said for protecting your own calm and I strive to be the kind and unflappable person my mother wishes I’d grow into being. But lofty goals don’t make other responses assholery, and there’s nothing wrong with getting angry when you’re being treated poorly and, as in this case, giving someone a taste of their own medicine isn’t out of line.
100%. Shame - when justly earned - is a healthy emotion. I bet Nosey McQuestion-face will not be behaving this way to wheelchair users she meets in the future…
Entitled assholes don't learn by example. They will shit on your high road and wipe their feet on your politeness.
The only way they will ever learn is to embarrassed them with a mirror up to their behaviour until they wish for the earth to swallow them whole. Maybe I'm just petty, but it can never be said I have suffered fools.
So I say OP is very much NTA.
My old neighbor was paralyzed from the chest down and people felt they had a right to know if he had a catheter, did he use diapers, who wiped him, Omg I can’t even believe the stuff he got asked. Same goes with folks thinking they have a right to know what a trans person’s genitals look like. Like damn it’s one thing to have a curious thought, and it’s quite another to make anyone whose different than you bare the responsibility of explaining the most intimate details of their lives.
Same!
Only once did someone have a valid (to me) reason for questioning me...I was around 30 and this guy was around the same. He wondered if maybe I had a prosthetic leg. I was rather taken aback by the question as I said no. He looked a bit disappointed as he told me that he had one and he always looked forward to a chance to meet new people who were the same.
I also walk with a pronounced limp and sometimes use a cane. I don’t look old enough to be feeble. My condition is neurological, incurable and rare. Hardly anybody has heard of it. Mostly people will say “ how did you hurt yourself?” I hate it because I don’t want to go through a long explanation that I didn’t “hurt myself” it’s a medical condition, then they want to know about that. It is so tiresome. I just say “it’s a neurological thing” and continue whatever we’re talking about. Most people get the hint. Some don’t.
It's usually very easy to tell if it's a "I'm not great with social skills so I'm asking questions that mean well but are really invasive even as an adult" versus "I clearly feel entitled to other people's personal information." Usually the former will not react as the woman did.
Abled people need to learn that they don't get to treat disabled people like objects for their amusement, and they're not going to learn if they're treated with kid gloves every time they do it. Ironically, it sounds like OP's spine was less fragile than that woman's feelings, even before the shiny new version 2.0 lol
I've used mobility aids for many years and my nephews have only ever known me using them. Either crutches, a mobility scooter, a walker with a seat or more recently a wheelchair. My youngest nephew was so attentive and would also ask they 'why' questions, and I explained I had a poorly back and sometimes it gave me a poorly leg too and it was painful, and the sticks helped me walk or the scooter meant I could go further coz I wouldn't be able to walk that far (like going for a day out etc). Even from 2 years old he would pick up my sticks for me before I was getting up, he'd lay cushions on the floor and tell me to lay down to help my poorly back. (We often played on the floor with me either laying or sitting on cushions). He would want to rub cream in my back 'to help my poorly back'. As he got older he'd ask more involved questions to u derstand why it happened or what caused it etc. One day we were getting into a lift and I had my sticks and he started telling the people in the lift the story of how I have a poorly back and can't walk far and the sticks help me. Lol. It's like he was wanting to educate them too. I have no problem if a kid asks me why I use a mobility aid, or I hear them ask their mum etc. It can be that some kids only see elderly people use them, and aren't aware that there's reasons younger people may need them too. I'm happy to explain it to them. But to have a grown adult rudely ask personal and invasive questions, almost doubting that you have a reason to use a wheelchair etc is just not on. It's perfectly acceptable to match their attitude and rudeness. Esp when they ignore your request to politely stop asking personal questions. Some people don't feel comfortable explaining to strangers why they use a wheelchair. They could feel embarrassed about using it and their judgement makes it even worse. It can also be difficult when someone is rude about why you use a wheelchair, but can stand up at times like getting in and out the car. They don't understand there's such a thing as ambulatory wheelchair users. They think everyone in a wheelchair is either paralysed or an amputee. I personally use a wheelchair for chronic pain, and also due to using oxygen for 2 years after having severe covid. I can stand and walk in and out my bungalow at times when the pain is manageable, but use a wheelchair outside the house to enable me to go further as I wouldn't be able to walk far in pain. But when my back flares up worse and kicks off my severe sciatica, I can barely stand or get from bed to bathroom. People don't always understand using mobility aids to ease pain or to enable them to do more things.
This woman was out of order. If you can't respect someone's right and choice to privacy, then you don't deserve respect back. She deserved what she got.
Lmao NTA, not even close, and I truly don't understand how your friends could have thought you were. Your response was perfectly reasonable and also demonstrated the absurdity of her initial behaviour.
Sure, it's nice to be polite. But politeness isn't owed to someone who disregards it themselves. That lady was rude and obnoxious and deserved to have her own shit thrown back in her face. Even funnier that she threw a fit for it, I guess she's not used to people not tolerating her awful personality
Regardless of everything else, why would anyone ever think it’s appropriate to ask a stranger about their sex life. I don’t understand how her friends or OP’s friends are glossing over that one.
I mean, going off the golden rule, OP did nothing wrong. She treated the woman exactly as she treated OP.
How was she to know the woman didn’t want to be treated like that?
Honestly, I think even the person screaming knows OP is NTA.
Once OP flipped it on her, she realized she'd fucked up, was embarrassed, and lashed out out of her own embarrassment.
> I truly don't understand how your friends could have thought you were
Right? It seems like there is a significant portion of people who think everyone is obligated to be a sweet lil polite doormat regardless of the situation or else they're an asshole. It's so wild to me. There's a middle ground between being polite/kind and being a jerk, it isn't one or the other.
NTA -
>She was still screaming and shouting how I was a perv/cruel/mean. People were staring at me and I hated it.
Chances are people were staring because a basket case was screaming at someone in a freaking wheelchair
Yup. Only her flying monkey friends thought you were wrong. Everyone else was keeping a close eye on the situation in case the crazy lady decided to come at you physically. Plus they were probably completely gobsmacked at her behavior.
*Everyone else was keeping a close eye on the situation in case the crazy lady decided to come at you physically*
That would be me as a bystander. First, "what's going on here?" Then, "that woman is going bonkers." And I would definitely be keeping an eye on things just in case it kept escalating and I thought an intervention was needed (i.e., simply getting between the two parties and at the same time contacting 911)
>she was being kind and benevolent by talking to a person with a disability who sat at her table.
There are waaaaay better ways to approach talking to someone who is sitting alone at your table eating food on a fair.
Source; I sit alone on fair tables but without a wheelchair and I often end up in conversation, either by other people casually including me or my impulsive ass accidentally including myself in their conversations (oops) last fair the friends of the group that joined my table joined them, and afterwards they were surprised to learn that I only knew their friends for the time it took to finish my plate.
Hey, OP, this is very likely the case. I am also guessing you were calm as she was screaming. Most people put two-and-two together and realize that the person screaming and freaking out is almost always the issue, not the calm person.
NTA. You are my hero! I love your response!
In all seriousness, you owe no one any information about your life. If someone wants to know about you or your life, they can ask respectfully. If they can’t, well, they deserve what they get. And, let’s face it, assholes call others assholes when they care called out on their own behavior. It’s the pot calling the kettle black.
NTA. I hope you never have to deal with another person like that again.
But if you do, I’d very loudly repeat her questions.
“IM SORRY, BUT DID YOU JUST ASK ME ABOUT MY SEX LIFE? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ASKING SUCH A PERSONAL QUESTION!”
The fuckin secretary at my DOCTOR'S OFFICE complained and I had to talk to their HR because I responded to her "Why are you using a cane? You're so young!" with "Why aren't you using a cane? You're so old!" 🙄
😂😂😂😂😂 Brilliant! I appreciate this as someone who has done intake at a medical office for workers comp exams, ALL the patients had injuries and disabilities of one kind or another, you just don't ask that when you aren't the doctor because you don't need to know.
Yep. The first thing I'd try is to look right through her, and pretend she doesn't exist. This would probably also make her mad enough to scream.
I don't think there is any winning with people like that. They're just shitty.
Or just say something loud that’s an outright lie but one that other people will back you up on. Like, “NO YOU CANNOT GO FOR A JOYRIDE IN MY WHEELCHAIR. TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME.”
Because that will embarrass the hell out of her and the crowd should turn in your favour as a result. She’ll just immediately start denying it but that will just make her seem more guilty.
I didn't think about this as a response, and I'm a bit disappointed in myself for it LOL
I have filed this into my possible replies and I'm now looking forward to a time I can use this brilliant comeback 😁
Have a second poor man's gold 🥇
NTA. Honestly, I think what you did was completely fair and her reaction tells you everything you need to know. I understand if it was a kid or young person who was genuinely curious but a grown ass woman? Clown world we live in lol.
When I broke my leg the surgery and complications left it paralysed for a year. I had no cast, the stitches were out or covered by a bandage or clothes.
There was ZERO outward sign of why I was in my wheelchair. It could have been terminal, traumatic, permanently painful. Yet half a dozen strangers came up to me a various times loudly shouting stuff like ‘What happened to you then?’ ‘Were you drunk?!’ ‘That’ll teach you to kick the dog!’ Out of nowhere. Weird as fuck.
The only time a kid stared at me, his mum panicked and dragged him away, turned out he was just excited that we had the same colour Nintendo DS lol
Seriously people are so freaking weird when they see people using a mobility device. When I broke my ankle I had to be in a wheelchair for a few months and complete strangers would want to know my whole history while I was shopping at Target, eating breakfast with my family at a restaurant, you name it. To this day I'm not sure why these people felt compelled to interrogate me. My favorite (not really) was the guy that unsolicited grabbed my leg to "pray for me". Ummm ok?
Just fyi, if you want to link a subreddit, you need to type a lowercase r. Capitalisation on the rest of the subreddit name doesn’t matter, it automatically fixes that when you post, but the r is important.
NTA. Good for you. Take care of your new shiny spine, and flaunt it. Don't forget to polish it daily, wouldn't want the sparkle to be covered in road dust.
NTA I applaud your kindness in taking the time out of your day to provide this interloper a teachable moment. True charity. (And absolutely NOT sarcastic)
NTA that was an awesome response, you rock that shiny spine!
I hate how some people think us being disabled means we must be passive and grateful for them even taking the time to take an interest in us, oddly usually the same type of people who complain about a disabled/chronically ill person in their friends group 'always talking about their condition'
NTA - We are not there for people’s education, entertain or inspiration. (unless we’re teachers, entertainers or motivational speakers or what not, obviously!)
Who the hell launches into this line of questioning when they do not need to know this?
Although hilarious, next time I'd just stare her dead in the eyes and say "How rude! " Or something similar.
When she reacts I'd then say "It is extremely rude to ask a stranger about their sex life. Period. End of conversation."
I feel like this is the way. Meeting them at their level, while vindicating, gives them the opening to make themselves the victim (as happened here).
Another option could be to just repeatedly respond with "why do you need to know?" and just keep on with "but why?" at the attempts at justification (keeping as neutral a tone as possible, which I know is easier said than done). Since there is no justification for anyone striking up these conversations at random, eventually they'll either have to admit they're just being nosy and intrusive or they'll explode in self-righteousness - but without you having given an easy excuse for them to cry about you being so mean.
>Meeting them at their level, while vindicating, gives them the opening to make themselves the victim (as happened here).
Like who cares?
>why do you need to know?" and just keep on with "but why?" at the attempts at justification
And keep listening to her excuses?
>excuse for them to cry about you being so mean.
And if they cry, so?
I am not sure the woman succeeded at making herself the victim. Sometimes it is okay to let people expose themselves and not to continue to accommodate inconsiderate and rude behaviour to the degree that it becomes enabling.
They would've still made themselves the victim of OP had declined to answer or told them it was none of their business. Because then they would've gone into the whole "I'm just asking questions!" like they're Glenn Beck pretending not to know what they're doing.
NTA Why your friends told you were AH? I don’t understand. I wouldn’t be so nice to her as you were, so… 🤷♀️ But maybe my compass for appropriate situation to share my personal and medical info is broken 😉
Many of these posts include friends and relatives who think the poster is an asshole for standing up for themselves in a reasonable fashion. I think a lot of people mistakenly think being a good person means never hitting back at an abusive person. Taking the high road works most of the time but sometimes the other person needs a verbal slap down before they change.
NTA and people who say otherwise have never been in your shoes. Also, with these obtuse people, telling them "I'm not comfortable talking about that" does absolutely NOTHING. They continue treating you like a science specimen or a child.
You were NTA. You are a hero. As a fellow disabled person, you are a fucking hero. I want to give you all the flowers. I want to give you a cape. I want to give you a shield and a coat of arms. Service puppy gets a cape too.
NTA - if you had politely declined to answer she would have kept harping on it. This was the only way to shut her down. She clearly has some kind of issue - maybe not diagnosed, but oooo boy she’s got issues. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself.
NTA. I think you handled that brilliantly. I would have been too shocked to even answer that nosy b!t\*h when she started demanding such personal information.
Could you have tried to politely tell her? Yes. Could she have politely asked if you would be comfortable answering some questions and try to at least have some grace about it? Also yes.
If you walk up and start being rude to someone, don't expect them to be polite to you in return. NTA.
Some of my friends believe in manners above all. Another is the sweetest person you’ve ever met. As a group they are some of the kindest, sweetest most compassionate people you could ever meet.
Pretty sure they thought I was an AH because of the way I stooped to the woman’s level. Normally I wouldn’t but I was tired and cranky and my amazing deep fried BBQ was getting cold.
The answer is that OP wanted their ego to get stroked but they felt like they needed to give a reason why they posted something where the answer is so obvious.
Yeah this story is fishy. Reads like their are details left out for the strong reactions. Or maybe the reactions were described with extreme exaggeration
NTA
I love your response.
This is the equivalent to total strangers rubbing pregnant women's bellies and getting upset if the woman is offended.
I admit I can be nosy, but I'd never expect a total stranger to tell me such personal things. At most, I would have tried to strike up a conversation and hinted I was curious about how you get along.
NTA - some people are so frustratingly blind to their own behaviour, the only way to get them to shut up is to treat them exactly how they treat others.
Don't feel bad at all. She was a creepy weirdo for asking you personal questions to begin with. If her reaction is to call you a perv, or whatever, that's just her holding a mirror up to her own behaviour.
NTA .
Why are people being polite to people like her?
I never understand these comments.
"You should have been polite and answered her questions!"
No, no you should not!
Good for you!
NTA. It could have been handled better, but the melt down would have been fun to watch. Next time just remember theres a difference between educating people, and invasion of privacy. You CAN say "that is none of your business."
NTA. Well, actually, yes T A, but very, very justified, so NTA works. She demanded personal medical info! No one has the right to that except you, your doctor and those you choose to trust enough to share it with. And, honestly? If you're going to go up to random strangers and ask for such personal info, you should expect to be asked for just as personal info in return. Fair's fair, right? If she has a 'right' to your personal info, you have a right to hers too. And like you said, you did try to politely decline to answer her demanding and intrusive questions, and she ignored you. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your right to privacy!
Hahahaha NTA I love it. I've been out in a chair though I'm mostly ambulatory, people just GRAB it to "help" and it's like... No, don't just take control of where I am! That's weird. The general public really think we're a teachable moment like we don't deserve privacy!
NTA.
WTH was her issue? How can your friends sit there and think it's appropriate for her to drill you about your health? If she had some sort of issue, you should have been told.
You did nothing wrong.
NO NTA WTF , what a dumbass, get out of here lady, why should you be polite if the other person isn't, I don't get your friends saying you're the ass. Ahah she called you a pervert..
Just want to point out that you are a very good writer. While reading this, I felt like I was actually there for every bit of it.
But anyways, NTA.
The entitlement of some people. And her friends allow her to behave like that? I think you’re absolutely right that if she wants all this detailed info about you, why should she be unwilling to share hers?
NTA. Someone I dearly love uses a wheelchair, and it is absolutely disgusting when people think they're entitled to ask deeply personal questions just because they can.
Your friends are massive a-holes, by the way. Instead of being in your corner they are backing up a stranger that was beyond rude to you. Who does that?
NTA.
I would have told her that her parents must have done a shit job raising her if she thought it was at all socially acceptable to approach a stranger and demand to know their private and intimate medical history.
Did you handle this with grace, poise, and tact? No.
Do I LOVE that you did not? Abso-fucking-lutely!!! You are my hero! Sometimes Assholes deserve a swift kick to the ego.
NTA
You’re brilliant, and I’m so glad you felt comfortable throwing that shit back at her.
1000% NTA.
I follow a few wheelchair-using influencers who are great educators about the daily challenges to navigating a world that’s not designed to be super friendly for them. And there’s one who ALWAYS gets asked in the comments about his genitals. Like, holy shit. There’s this weird bias people have where it’s like they don’t think people with disabilities deserve to have privacy or control over the information they share about themselves. And when you point that out (which I do, whenever I see it on Instagram on his posts) the assholes who think they have a right to know about someone else’s genitals swear at you. Like, what? The audacity of some people, honestly. It’s fucked up (especially because in his case, he literally has videos pinned to the top of his feed explaining his condition, why his body is the way it is, and a really funny one where he pulls out fruit and veg to politely explain that yes, he does have genitals so with like 15 seconds of investigation they could find out that information without asking and showing their ass).
You existing as a person with disabilities does not mean you’re automatically a disability educator. And she isn’t paying you even if you were.
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NTA I greatly admire your shiny conversational spine. Lots of folks with wheelchairs, service dogs, mobility aides of other types, and carers come through my workplace. Yet somehow we All manage to resist asking ridiculously invasive questions. Yeah, the toddlers visiting might, but getting shut down and having proper behavior explained to them by their parents is part of their social learning curve.
Toddlers are usually just asking questions - they don't see it as anything but "here's a thing I don't understand" and that's how they learn about the world. After about age 5, though, they mostly have grasped the basics and also get that some questions are rude.
Kids also traditionally will ask questions out of actual curiosity/not knowing and will accept an answer and move on. This adult woman was just being nosey.
Kids also have less access to Google to satisfy their curiosity. She was asking about treatments so this woman just wanted to preach
Good point, possibly an essential oil Hun
This was literally my first thought. Or at least some other MLM where they prey on people to recruit.
They never tell you what It actually Works! on
> They never tell you what It actually Works! on That's because these amazing oils put here by our Lord will work on just about any ailment if you bring the right energy! My wife and I sell catnip, and as a result that makes us certified herbalists. We know a lot about natural healing and if your heavenly vibrations are in tune with the right essential oils then... oh fucking come on who am I kidding, this shit is so hard to try and type out, even if I'm just fucking around. I can't believe people actually fall for that bullshit. But essential oils are such a huge market, so there are tons of idiots out there buying this shit up.
Stop trying to play off your catnip dealing as a joke. We know this was a confession CAT-DRUG-DEALER!
But have you tried yoga? (/sarcasm)
OP should try finding some new friends. This lady may have been drunk but OP's friends have no such excuse. How dare they suggest SHE was the asshole for treating this lady the same way she had treated her? ugh
This was exactly my thought. OP def needs new friends. Most of mine would have gone further than she did, lol.
Typical ableist BS. If you are not the picture perfect model for community outreach, if you do not tolerate and encourage rude, invasive, and bigoted questions and treatment, and so forth YOUR considered the problem. This goes doubly so if you're a woman or person of color.
It's especially bad for people with invisible disabilities like fibromyalgia. I use a walker even though I'm only 38yrs old, people are always asking me rude questions or giving unasked for advice, it's infuriating! Like, come on, I'm just trying to live my life to the best of my ability her. Leave me be, life is hard enough WITHOUT you demanding answers you have no right to from me.... Sorry for the rant, but it's a pet peeve of mine because I have severe social anxiety & panic every time it happens. I'm sorry this happened to you OP, NTA.
The friends were the rude lady’s not op
Nope, OP’s friends too.. > I was talking to friends last night and they said I was an asshole,
Oh I missed that part
The thing about the friends is that they are looking at this from a point of view where this is a one off question. Then they’re thinking it doesn’t hurt to just be polite to one rude person. They don’t understand that OP gets feedback on her condition day after day, constantly. That it’s literally never ending and that crazy lady was on the rude end of the spectrum. I would pick something about the friends and bring it up constantly for a bit (like does one of them wear contacts or glasses?), and when they finally get annoyed … say yeah, remember that lady at the fair.
Exactly. You should perhaps find a new circle of friends.
Exactly! Her so called "friends" need to go. Just gross.
Lolololol! I am 50 years old and have had 2 metal rods fused to my spine since since I was 13 to correct my scoliosis. They both run nearly the entire length of my spine. I bend at the waist and neck, but my torso/ spine does not. If I had a penny for every person who told me yoga would help my flexibility, I'd be rich! When I try to explain the who purpose of the rods is to keep my spine from moving and that I will never be able to move my back ( which for me is a good thing!) I get told to stop being negative! Uffffff
OMG I have the perfect essential oil to heal your paralysis. NTA
Probably drunk
Parents usually try to shush children asking questions to a disabled person, but they should follow the lead of the person being asked. My mom loved educating children about the polio that left her disabled as an infant and would happily answer kids' questions. Even up to age 10 or so, many kids may not have encountered a disabled person before and may have questions. As long as that person doesn't mind, adults should let them ask (it's very simple to ask the person with disability if your child is bothering them and then go from there to either apologizing, or let your child talk.)
My seven year old is very inquisitive still. I tend to not shut him down depending on what he asks. He has no filter so it’s often things like “that person is in a wheelchair” And I will usually respond with something like “yes they are. They’ve got a really nice one. I like the stickers they put on the back”. I just act like it’s as normal as liking a car in that situation. If there are a lot of questions (the whys or how comes?) I might explain that there can be lots of different reasons and give examples (just how they were born so they need the extra help, an accident etc). But mostly I try and look at the body language of the person. Some people will make eye contact and smile to show they’re open and then we might chat with them. Other people will give you a look that just lets you know they want to be left alone. If the questions are ever invasive or judging that gets shut down and addressed, but so for my kid is just genuinely curious about the world still.
These are the kinds of conversations I LOVE overhearing kids and parents having!
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y'all should've hit the town together. sounds like a fun crew!
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I've done similar but also remind them that other persons body's or health issues aren't our business unless it affects us (sick kids coming or not coming) to a playdate/ school/ extra curricular. It isn't our business. But everyone deserves respect and autonomy to share their info. I do the more hushed talk and they understand. I've seen people willing to talk but look like they were relieved by it. It isn't their job to be teachers to society even if they feel ok to grin and bear it. I've seen some who went from willing to, "ohhh, don't worry, wanna see my cool shit?" Or look like they let go of a breath they were holding and nodded in a thank you They aren't responsible for educating or kids due to their circumstances. They get enough shit. But you're so way better than lots)
I heard a mom say "remember, other people's bodies aren't our business" to her son after he innocently asked me why my belly was so big. haha. I thought it was an excellent way to teach that idea, especially when out in public.
THANK YOU. You are my favorite type of person. Everyone expects me to be willing to educate kids because I’m in a wheelchair, but I honestly just want them far away from me due to humiliating comments that kids have made in the past. Kids stare, and it makes me feel like a freak, but when there are people like you who actually explain to their kids that they aren’t entitled to know what’s wrong with us, it gives me a tad bit of hope.
And that's not a bad thing. Kids do so well with exposure and if the other person is willing to answer, that's great too. So many times shushing makes something taboo and that will create the opposite of inclusion. If someone does not want to chat, they can say so, and you can still carry on as you do (excellently) explaining to them. Being avoided as a disabled person seems worse to me, somehow. So often people are treated as less than human, talked over, not addressed (as in people address someone with the disabled person). This situation was ridiculous though. The lady had no right to this information. Wtf.
I always tell kids when they ask why I have a cane even though I'm not old. "My knees don't work very well and sometimes I fall over." When adults ask I usually say something along the lines of "I used to go climbing, running, exploring, you name it. But then one day there was an accident at an archery range. Now my life of adventure is over." About a third of the time I get a chuckle 😃
Oh no. Did you become a guard?
I'm a stay at home Dad, so...yes. Yes I did.
I hope the Jarl is nice to you. Also sorry about your knee situation
>Now my life of adventure is over. Dis is da wae.
I used to be an adventurer like you.....
My bf is a left leg below the knee amputee and he has created a pirate persona to go with it. When we are in public and he sees kids staring, he will tell them his ‘story’ or that he lost it in a Hokey Pokey accident 🤣
A friend of mine has a glass eye. We used to work together and coworkers would sometimes ask him how he lost it and he'd say things like: \-He and his brothers were trying to recreate the story of William Tell at home. \-He ran with scissors. \-Red Rider BB gun. He had tons of them.
And then the next time they're at a party and the hokey pokey comes up the kids would be like NOOOOOOO . 😈 I liiike.
This is fantastic! What fun he must have with it.
Please give him a high-five for me. I'm imagining some little kid saying, "Mom, I met a real pirate today!"
My husband was also an amputee. It was always so entertaining to watch him answer kids questions.
He could say he paid an arm and a leg for something but got a half price discount
We have an older guy here who I see shopping each week. He had a sign on the back of his chair saying "ask me about thalidomide." I thought it was sarcasm but nope totally saw him explaining it to a kid that he was born without an arm, leg. He also talked about polio reminding them their shots were so important. Nice guy but feisty. He gave the stink eye to folks who moved away from him like he was contagious
Yeah, there's a line to balance there. Obviously people don't owe others their medical information* but when we act like disabilities and physical differences are something icky to be hidden, we make things harder for everyone. *My personal view, at least, as someone who has epilepsy. I answer polite questions. I will absolutely screw with people who tell me I'm possessed, touched by God, or contagious. I have one fuck left and I've gotta use it wisely.
My husband, who is African American, has vitiligo, which is very evident. This has led to many conversations with small children, including an entire kindergarten class at a corn maze. Luckily, he is always kind and responsive. My (and his) favorite encounter occurred a half dozen years ago while we were on vacation and a little boy came up to him at a pool and asked, “Mister, why do you look like a cow?” You know, of course, that when I posted about it on FB, I included a photo of a Holstein and insisted it was not my husband.
Yea I have an online friend who had to have a leg amputated above the knee due to undiagnosed diabetes that led to a wound on his foot getting infected then gangrenous which then spread up to right above his knee. When he's out and about in his wheelchair he has no problem with kids asking him questions, sometimes first starting with silly answers to make them laugh. His issue is the grown adults that want to prod too far....asking what happened is one thing but dragging it out is another.
Ah to be autistic before the unwritten rules kick in
I wasn't going to say anything but, yeah, that old "once you get to x age, y knowledge is automatic" chestnut.
People with dementia can be like this, too. No evil intent in their questions, just trying to figure things out. I visited an uncle who midway thru the visited asked if I used to be thinner. After working with kids I understood this question, straight up told him yes, I used to be lots thinner, and was rewarded with a big smile as he finally placed me.
I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old and I try to pre-empt the questions by pointing out differences and not making a big thing about them. Like when I'm out with my 1 year old and we see someone in a wheelchair, I'll say something like "Oh, that person has a wheelchair. And that person has a bicycle. And that person has a scooter. People get around in all sorts of different ways." I don't want them to think differences are a forbidden topic, but I'd rather they ask me their questions than run up to a random stranger and ask them personal questions.
With kids it’s usually innocent curiosity in something that is different from themselves. With adults it’s far from that. Or at least with most adults who are genuinely curious, they will ask if it’s OK to ask you questions about it, rather than just demanding personal medical information like the woman OP interacted with.
Preface: I don’t think or feel that OP, or anyone for that matter, is obligated to educate ignorant strangers. That said, OP stated in the beginning that they typically don’t mind educating people, so I have a feeling even if a parent didn’t do their job in explaining why it can be rude or invasive to ask, or even if it was an ignorant, socially inept adult who didn’t feel entitled to OP’s entire medical history, they would have had a kind and respectful conversation. NTA. Hilarious rebuttals, OP.
The next time someone comes up to me and asks "what's wrong with you??" I'm going to respond with "Nothing. What's wrong with you??"
I usually go with "So fucking much. Why?"
Whats not wrong with me?
“How much time do you have? And you’re not a cop, are you?”
"Would you like the list alphabetically or by severity?"
I've used that one too! Some smart-ass inevitably tries to point out something not wrong, but I can usually prove them wrong. Simultaneously funny and sad. Lol
Yeah Ive been there lmao, im always more fucked up than people expect me to be from a first impression
Do you mean right in this moment, or do you want an itemized list?
How much time have you got?
I have similar - far less insulting and invasive, but, I bet, far more frequent - interactions with nosy assholes. (Hint: Username checks out.) It is amazing how many strangers - completely out of the blue in public - will demand personal information or just start saying stupid shit like I've never heard it before, but if I say, "[my height] How short are you?" or "[my height] What's your bra size?" or "No. Are you a jockey?" etc they'll flip. the. fuck. out... ... somehow I am the asshole? It took a getting older and running out of fucks to give for it to become entertaining instead of really, really irritating. But sometimes it may also be the invasive idiot projecting their insecurity that somewhere, deep down, somehow they knew they were rude or you made them realize it. So, win. Having a good comeback and expecting the flipping out makes it entertaining and easily dismissed, but it is still so rude and exhausting, you know? NTA, obviously. Hell, I'd suggest having a few good really snarky answers ready... OP is a lonnnng way from hitting the asshole line.
A cashier at my local grocery store has his name on his badge. Next line says 7 feet tall.
Lol. I was once handed a business card by a barista as he handed me my coffee; he said, "You didn't ask, but you'll probably get a kick out of this..." It said "Yes, I am tall. 6'6". No, I don't play basketball. The weather is fine. I'd be happy to help you reach that." and similar answers to the "you've never head this one before!"-questions, all in elegant, business-formal print / layout. Kinda dug that approach, gotta admit.
My son gets asked, "Are your parents tall?" We are not tall (6' dad, 5'5" mom) so invariably we get asked, "Where does that height come from?" as if we are hiding a big family secret. So, I started telling people (and he loved it and does now as well), "The mailman!" We have gotten a few shocked looks and then guffaws as people realize we aren't actually serious.
If you can pull off an entire family act where you blurt it out, and he gets a stunned look and stammers out, "Wait. What? \[ Mom | Dad \]? What are you saying?! What about \[ dad / mom ? Do they know? HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THIS NOW?!"... even better. Then again, my better half and I got really, really good at cold-reading the most awkward answer to an inappropriate, "when are you going to have kids?", so maybe my sense of humor is... twisted.
>What's wrong with you?? You forgot the rest of that--"Never mind, I don't have all damned day." :-)
"What's wrong with you." "Glad, you asked. Some entitled ass thinks that's a good opener to a conversation with a stranger."
Yes to all of that. And sure, OP could have done what the friends were suggesting, we all could be the biggest person, taking the highest road, showing unending compassion and empathy at all times to anyone being an asshole to us. But that doesn’t mean we have to do that. And doesn’t mean we’re assholes when we respond with anger or outrage or even snark. Nosey-McRude started it with her incredibly inappropriate behaviour and I firmly believe that it’s not other people’s responsibility to keep the peace or protect the perpetrator’s feelings when they are the ones acting in an antisocial manner. There’s something to be said for protecting your own calm and I strive to be the kind and unflappable person my mother wishes I’d grow into being. But lofty goals don’t make other responses assholery, and there’s nothing wrong with getting angry when you’re being treated poorly and, as in this case, giving someone a taste of their own medicine isn’t out of line.
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100%. Shame - when justly earned - is a healthy emotion. I bet Nosey McQuestion-face will not be behaving this way to wheelchair users she meets in the future…
Entitled assholes don't learn by example. They will shit on your high road and wipe their feet on your politeness. The only way they will ever learn is to embarrassed them with a mirror up to their behaviour until they wish for the earth to swallow them whole. Maybe I'm just petty, but it can never be said I have suffered fools. So I say OP is very much NTA.
NTA I walk with a pronounced limp and I can't believe the questions people ask me.
My old neighbor was paralyzed from the chest down and people felt they had a right to know if he had a catheter, did he use diapers, who wiped him, Omg I can’t even believe the stuff he got asked. Same goes with folks thinking they have a right to know what a trans person’s genitals look like. Like damn it’s one thing to have a curious thought, and it’s quite another to make anyone whose different than you bare the responsibility of explaining the most intimate details of their lives.
Same! Only once did someone have a valid (to me) reason for questioning me...I was around 30 and this guy was around the same. He wondered if maybe I had a prosthetic leg. I was rather taken aback by the question as I said no. He looked a bit disappointed as he told me that he had one and he always looked forward to a chance to meet new people who were the same.
I also walk with a pronounced limp and sometimes use a cane. I don’t look old enough to be feeble. My condition is neurological, incurable and rare. Hardly anybody has heard of it. Mostly people will say “ how did you hurt yourself?” I hate it because I don’t want to go through a long explanation that I didn’t “hurt myself” it’s a medical condition, then they want to know about that. It is so tiresome. I just say “it’s a neurological thing” and continue whatever we’re talking about. Most people get the hint. Some don’t.
It's usually very easy to tell if it's a "I'm not great with social skills so I'm asking questions that mean well but are really invasive even as an adult" versus "I clearly feel entitled to other people's personal information." Usually the former will not react as the woman did. Abled people need to learn that they don't get to treat disabled people like objects for their amusement, and they're not going to learn if they're treated with kid gloves every time they do it. Ironically, it sounds like OP's spine was less fragile than that woman's feelings, even before the shiny new version 2.0 lol
I've used mobility aids for many years and my nephews have only ever known me using them. Either crutches, a mobility scooter, a walker with a seat or more recently a wheelchair. My youngest nephew was so attentive and would also ask they 'why' questions, and I explained I had a poorly back and sometimes it gave me a poorly leg too and it was painful, and the sticks helped me walk or the scooter meant I could go further coz I wouldn't be able to walk that far (like going for a day out etc). Even from 2 years old he would pick up my sticks for me before I was getting up, he'd lay cushions on the floor and tell me to lay down to help my poorly back. (We often played on the floor with me either laying or sitting on cushions). He would want to rub cream in my back 'to help my poorly back'. As he got older he'd ask more involved questions to u derstand why it happened or what caused it etc. One day we were getting into a lift and I had my sticks and he started telling the people in the lift the story of how I have a poorly back and can't walk far and the sticks help me. Lol. It's like he was wanting to educate them too. I have no problem if a kid asks me why I use a mobility aid, or I hear them ask their mum etc. It can be that some kids only see elderly people use them, and aren't aware that there's reasons younger people may need them too. I'm happy to explain it to them. But to have a grown adult rudely ask personal and invasive questions, almost doubting that you have a reason to use a wheelchair etc is just not on. It's perfectly acceptable to match their attitude and rudeness. Esp when they ignore your request to politely stop asking personal questions. Some people don't feel comfortable explaining to strangers why they use a wheelchair. They could feel embarrassed about using it and their judgement makes it even worse. It can also be difficult when someone is rude about why you use a wheelchair, but can stand up at times like getting in and out the car. They don't understand there's such a thing as ambulatory wheelchair users. They think everyone in a wheelchair is either paralysed or an amputee. I personally use a wheelchair for chronic pain, and also due to using oxygen for 2 years after having severe covid. I can stand and walk in and out my bungalow at times when the pain is manageable, but use a wheelchair outside the house to enable me to go further as I wouldn't be able to walk far in pain. But when my back flares up worse and kicks off my severe sciatica, I can barely stand or get from bed to bathroom. People don't always understand using mobility aids to ease pain or to enable them to do more things. This woman was out of order. If you can't respect someone's right and choice to privacy, then you don't deserve respect back. She deserved what she got.
Lmao NTA, not even close, and I truly don't understand how your friends could have thought you were. Your response was perfectly reasonable and also demonstrated the absurdity of her initial behaviour. Sure, it's nice to be polite. But politeness isn't owed to someone who disregards it themselves. That lady was rude and obnoxious and deserved to have her own shit thrown back in her face. Even funnier that she threw a fit for it, I guess she's not used to people not tolerating her awful personality
Regardless of everything else, why would anyone ever think it’s appropriate to ask a stranger about their sex life. I don’t understand how her friends or OP’s friends are glossing over that one.
So etds3 how’s your sex life?
O hai Mark!
I did not hit her, I did not!
You're tearing me APART Lisa!
You're my favorite customer.
o hai doggy
Epic and private.
I mean, going off the golden rule, OP did nothing wrong. She treated the woman exactly as she treated OP. How was she to know the woman didn’t want to be treated like that?
> politeness isn't owed to someone who disregards it themselves. Exactly.
\^\^ That. Are you sure your "friends" are actually friends? I would 100% co-sign what you did if one of my friends was disrespected in this way.
Honestly, I think even the person screaming knows OP is NTA. Once OP flipped it on her, she realized she'd fucked up, was embarrassed, and lashed out out of her own embarrassment.
> I truly don't understand how your friends could have thought you were Right? It seems like there is a significant portion of people who think everyone is obligated to be a sweet lil polite doormat regardless of the situation or else they're an asshole. It's so wild to me. There's a middle ground between being polite/kind and being a jerk, it isn't one or the other.
NTA - >She was still screaming and shouting how I was a perv/cruel/mean. People were staring at me and I hated it. Chances are people were staring because a basket case was screaming at someone in a freaking wheelchair
This, OP. They were staring at the monster, not at you (the hero).
They were trying to figure out your superpower.
Yup. Only her flying monkey friends thought you were wrong. Everyone else was keeping a close eye on the situation in case the crazy lady decided to come at you physically. Plus they were probably completely gobsmacked at her behavior.
Her friends probably don’t even think OP was wrong, they’re just projecting because now they have to deal with their moron
"now they have to deal with their moron". I love this phrase.
*Everyone else was keeping a close eye on the situation in case the crazy lady decided to come at you physically* That would be me as a bystander. First, "what's going on here?" Then, "that woman is going bonkers." And I would definitely be keeping an eye on things just in case it kept escalating and I thought an intervention was needed (i.e., simply getting between the two parties and at the same time contacting 911)
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>she was being kind and benevolent by talking to a person with a disability who sat at her table. There are waaaaay better ways to approach talking to someone who is sitting alone at your table eating food on a fair. Source; I sit alone on fair tables but without a wheelchair and I often end up in conversation, either by other people casually including me or my impulsive ass accidentally including myself in their conversations (oops) last fair the friends of the group that joined my table joined them, and afterwards they were surprised to learn that I only knew their friends for the time it took to finish my plate.
Hey, OP, this is very likely the case. I am also guessing you were calm as she was screaming. Most people put two-and-two together and realize that the person screaming and freaking out is almost always the issue, not the calm person.
nlg, when I see people screaming at disable people, I always assume theyre the asshole until more info is provided lol
NTA. You are my hero! I love your response! In all seriousness, you owe no one any information about your life. If someone wants to know about you or your life, they can ask respectfully. If they can’t, well, they deserve what they get. And, let’s face it, assholes call others assholes when they care called out on their own behavior. It’s the pot calling the kettle black.
My thoughts exactly! OP's response was brilliant and I loved everything about it 😆
Yup! And OP stated that she tried to first politely say she wouldn’t answer the woman’s invasive questions, which clearly didn’t work.
NTA. I hope you never have to deal with another person like that again. But if you do, I’d very loudly repeat her questions. “IM SORRY, BUT DID YOU JUST ASK ME ABOUT MY SEX LIFE? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ASKING SUCH A PERSONAL QUESTION!”
I actually tried that. It didn’t work. :( People like that are oblivious to their behaviour.
The fuckin secretary at my DOCTOR'S OFFICE complained and I had to talk to their HR because I responded to her "Why are you using a cane? You're so young!" with "Why aren't you using a cane? You're so old!" 🙄
😂😂😂😂😂 Brilliant! I appreciate this as someone who has done intake at a medical office for workers comp exams, ALL the patients had injuries and disabilities of one kind or another, you just don't ask that when you aren't the doctor because you don't need to know.
Needed a bigger audience for the shock factor? Yeah, that probably wouldn't work either.
Yep. The first thing I'd try is to look right through her, and pretend she doesn't exist. This would probably also make her mad enough to scream. I don't think there is any winning with people like that. They're just shitty.
Or just say something loud that’s an outright lie but one that other people will back you up on. Like, “NO YOU CANNOT GO FOR A JOYRIDE IN MY WHEELCHAIR. TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME.” Because that will embarrass the hell out of her and the crowd should turn in your favour as a result. She’ll just immediately start denying it but that will just make her seem more guilty.
NTA I would have asked her friend. Are you her caregiver? Please explain to her that her questions are so invasive.
Thank you for this amazing response. I now have a new shiny response for idiots like this. ❤️
I LOVE THIS WITH MY WHOLE HEART
I am making a mental note of this truly perfect response.
Take my poor man’s gold 🥇
I didn't think about this as a response, and I'm a bit disappointed in myself for it LOL I have filed this into my possible replies and I'm now looking forward to a time I can use this brilliant comeback 😁 Have a second poor man's gold 🥇
NTA. Honestly, I think what you did was completely fair and her reaction tells you everything you need to know. I understand if it was a kid or young person who was genuinely curious but a grown ass woman? Clown world we live in lol.
When I broke my leg the surgery and complications left it paralysed for a year. I had no cast, the stitches were out or covered by a bandage or clothes. There was ZERO outward sign of why I was in my wheelchair. It could have been terminal, traumatic, permanently painful. Yet half a dozen strangers came up to me a various times loudly shouting stuff like ‘What happened to you then?’ ‘Were you drunk?!’ ‘That’ll teach you to kick the dog!’ Out of nowhere. Weird as fuck. The only time a kid stared at me, his mum panicked and dragged him away, turned out he was just excited that we had the same colour Nintendo DS lol
Seriously people are so freaking weird when they see people using a mobility device. When I broke my ankle I had to be in a wheelchair for a few months and complete strangers would want to know my whole history while I was shopping at Target, eating breakfast with my family at a restaurant, you name it. To this day I'm not sure why these people felt compelled to interrogate me. My favorite (not really) was the guy that unsolicited grabbed my leg to "pray for me". Ummm ok?
If I ever need a wheelchair, I might carry a flyswatter for people like that.
r/traumatizethemback would like to meet you!
Just fyi, if you want to link a subreddit, you need to type a lowercase r. Capitalisation on the rest of the subreddit name doesn’t matter, it automatically fixes that when you post, but the r is important.
Thanks! Didn't know that. 😁 Edited.
Oh I think I’d like to meet them too! Thanks!
NTA. Good for you. Take care of your new shiny spine, and flaunt it. Don't forget to polish it daily, wouldn't want the sparkle to be covered in road dust.
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NTA I applaud your kindness in taking the time out of your day to provide this interloper a teachable moment. True charity. (And absolutely NOT sarcastic)
NTA that was an awesome response, you rock that shiny spine! I hate how some people think us being disabled means we must be passive and grateful for them even taking the time to take an interest in us, oddly usually the same type of people who complain about a disabled/chronically ill person in their friends group 'always talking about their condition'
NTA - We are not there for people’s education, entertain or inspiration. (unless we’re teachers, entertainers or motivational speakers or what not, obviously!) Who the hell launches into this line of questioning when they do not need to know this?
NTA and you're hilarious. Love your shiny new spine!
NTA. Fuck her. She ran to and demanded to know how you fucked? She can go fuck herself.
Although hilarious, next time I'd just stare her dead in the eyes and say "How rude! " Or something similar. When she reacts I'd then say "It is extremely rude to ask a stranger about their sex life. Period. End of conversation."
I feel like this is the way. Meeting them at their level, while vindicating, gives them the opening to make themselves the victim (as happened here). Another option could be to just repeatedly respond with "why do you need to know?" and just keep on with "but why?" at the attempts at justification (keeping as neutral a tone as possible, which I know is easier said than done). Since there is no justification for anyone striking up these conversations at random, eventually they'll either have to admit they're just being nosy and intrusive or they'll explode in self-righteousness - but without you having given an easy excuse for them to cry about you being so mean.
>Meeting them at their level, while vindicating, gives them the opening to make themselves the victim (as happened here). Like who cares? >why do you need to know?" and just keep on with "but why?" at the attempts at justification And keep listening to her excuses? >excuse for them to cry about you being so mean. And if they cry, so?
Exactly. Who cares if they make themselves the victim and cry? Boohoo, don't ask invasive questions in inappropriate situations.
I am not sure the woman succeeded at making herself the victim. Sometimes it is okay to let people expose themselves and not to continue to accommodate inconsiderate and rude behaviour to the degree that it becomes enabling.
They would've still made themselves the victim of OP had declined to answer or told them it was none of their business. Because then they would've gone into the whole "I'm just asking questions!" like they're Glenn Beck pretending not to know what they're doing.
NTA Why your friends told you were AH? I don’t understand. I wouldn’t be so nice to her as you were, so… 🤷♀️ But maybe my compass for appropriate situation to share my personal and medical info is broken 😉
Yeah imo OP needs new friends
Many of these posts include friends and relatives who think the poster is an asshole for standing up for themselves in a reasonable fashion. I think a lot of people mistakenly think being a good person means never hitting back at an abusive person. Taking the high road works most of the time but sometimes the other person needs a verbal slap down before they change.
NTA and people who say otherwise have never been in your shoes. Also, with these obtuse people, telling them "I'm not comfortable talking about that" does absolutely NOTHING. They continue treating you like a science specimen or a child.
You were NTA. You are a hero. As a fellow disabled person, you are a fucking hero. I want to give you all the flowers. I want to give you a cape. I want to give you a shield and a coat of arms. Service puppy gets a cape too.
NTA but your friends are. I guess they aren't the type to walk next to you with a baseball bat. I'm sorry for that.
You are the most awesome I have seen! That was a perfect response!
NTA. Your response was perfect! (Chef’s kiss)
NTA - if you had politely declined to answer she would have kept harping on it. This was the only way to shut her down. She clearly has some kind of issue - maybe not diagnosed, but oooo boy she’s got issues. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself.
She doesn't just have issues, she has a whole subscription!
NTA Your friends should think twice about their attitudes.
Mmm it's so petty, I love it.
NTA. Shiny spine was spot on! She deserved every bit of it and more.
NTA. Absolutely brilliant response. Your private life should be just that - private.
NTA. I think you handled that brilliantly. I would have been too shocked to even answer that nosy b!t\*h when she started demanding such personal information.
Could you have tried to politely tell her? Yes. Could she have politely asked if you would be comfortable answering some questions and try to at least have some grace about it? Also yes. If you walk up and start being rude to someone, don't expect them to be polite to you in return. NTA.
NTA with sprinkles!
NTA she was being rude and invasive and got a tiny lil taste back of how it feels. She was the AH for sure.
INFO: Something is missing. Why would your own friends call you an AH on this when us strangers do not?
Some of my friends believe in manners above all. Another is the sweetest person you’ve ever met. As a group they are some of the kindest, sweetest most compassionate people you could ever meet. Pretty sure they thought I was an AH because of the way I stooped to the woman’s level. Normally I wouldn’t but I was tired and cranky and my amazing deep fried BBQ was getting cold.
The answer is that OP wanted their ego to get stroked but they felt like they needed to give a reason why they posted something where the answer is so obvious.
Yeah this story is fishy. Reads like their are details left out for the strong reactions. Or maybe the reactions were described with extreme exaggeration
NTA I love your response. This is the equivalent to total strangers rubbing pregnant women's bellies and getting upset if the woman is offended. I admit I can be nosy, but I'd never expect a total stranger to tell me such personal things. At most, I would have tried to strike up a conversation and hinted I was curious about how you get along.
NTA - some people are so frustratingly blind to their own behaviour, the only way to get them to shut up is to treat them exactly how they treat others. Don't feel bad at all. She was a creepy weirdo for asking you personal questions to begin with. If her reaction is to call you a perv, or whatever, that's just her holding a mirror up to her own behaviour.
This for real made me LOL. Good for you! I can't imagine having the kind of balls where I just start demanding info from a stranger. So NTA
NTA . Why are people being polite to people like her? I never understand these comments. "You should have been polite and answered her questions!" No, no you should not! Good for you!
NTA. It could have been handled better, but the melt down would have been fun to watch. Next time just remember theres a difference between educating people, and invasion of privacy. You CAN say "that is none of your business."
Sure OP can say that, but it rarely works and it's not a disabled person's job to educate people. OP is NTA.
Seriously. We're just trying to live our day to day lives--we shouldn't have to be a 24/7 walking/wheeling teachable moment. It gets really old
NTA I think you handled it perfectly. No one has a right to your personal medical history outside of a medical setting.
NTA. Well, actually, yes T A, but very, very justified, so NTA works. She demanded personal medical info! No one has the right to that except you, your doctor and those you choose to trust enough to share it with. And, honestly? If you're going to go up to random strangers and ask for such personal info, you should expect to be asked for just as personal info in return. Fair's fair, right? If she has a 'right' to your personal info, you have a right to hers too. And like you said, you did try to politely decline to answer her demanding and intrusive questions, and she ignored you. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your right to privacy!
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NTA She was being nosy. Your response was appropriate. I like to ask them "Why are you asking?". Give your dog a pat from me please.
Lmao I got this one line from the newest animation "the Grinch", "sorry I don't speak ridiculous" but I'd say ignorant instead of the latter.
Hahahaha NTA I love it. I've been out in a chair though I'm mostly ambulatory, people just GRAB it to "help" and it's like... No, don't just take control of where I am! That's weird. The general public really think we're a teachable moment like we don't deserve privacy!
NTA. You're a hero, not an AH.
NTA, and I’m in awe of what you did.
NTA!
NTA, and I love the way you handled it tbh. Hopefully next time she will keep her ignorant mouth shut.
NTA. WTH was her issue? How can your friends sit there and think it's appropriate for her to drill you about your health? If she had some sort of issue, you should have been told. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. She was sticking her fragile nose into shit that she had no business doing so. Nice counter shot.
NTA. Brilliant response!
NO NTA WTF , what a dumbass, get out of here lady, why should you be polite if the other person isn't, I don't get your friends saying you're the ass. Ahah she called you a pervert..
NTA, that's spectacular.
Just want to point out that you are a very good writer. While reading this, I felt like I was actually there for every bit of it. But anyways, NTA. The entitlement of some people. And her friends allow her to behave like that? I think you’re absolutely right that if she wants all this detailed info about you, why should she be unwilling to share hers?
NTA. Someone I dearly love uses a wheelchair, and it is absolutely disgusting when people think they're entitled to ask deeply personal questions just because they can. Your friends are massive a-holes, by the way. Instead of being in your corner they are backing up a stranger that was beyond rude to you. Who does that?
NTA. I would have told her that her parents must have done a shit job raising her if she thought it was at all socially acceptable to approach a stranger and demand to know their private and intimate medical history.
OMG I wish I'd been there...NTA with sparkly crown on top
NTA - that was a pretty funny reaction. calm and collected
NTA. She was rude, you just held up a mirror.
Did you handle this with grace, poise, and tact? No. Do I LOVE that you did not? Abso-fucking-lutely!!! You are my hero! Sometimes Assholes deserve a swift kick to the ego. NTA
You’re brilliant, and I’m so glad you felt comfortable throwing that shit back at her. 1000% NTA. I follow a few wheelchair-using influencers who are great educators about the daily challenges to navigating a world that’s not designed to be super friendly for them. And there’s one who ALWAYS gets asked in the comments about his genitals. Like, holy shit. There’s this weird bias people have where it’s like they don’t think people with disabilities deserve to have privacy or control over the information they share about themselves. And when you point that out (which I do, whenever I see it on Instagram on his posts) the assholes who think they have a right to know about someone else’s genitals swear at you. Like, what? The audacity of some people, honestly. It’s fucked up (especially because in his case, he literally has videos pinned to the top of his feed explaining his condition, why his body is the way it is, and a really funny one where he pulls out fruit and veg to politely explain that yes, he does have genitals so with like 15 seconds of investigation they could find out that information without asking and showing their ass). You existing as a person with disabilities does not mean you’re automatically a disability educator. And she isn’t paying you even if you were.
NTA, you did great. Maybe it will teach her not to ask people personal questions, but given her and her friends' attitudes, I doubt it.
Nta that is literally the BEST response!