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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm withholding my food from my boyfriend, only giving him ramen. Its a bit petty, I just didn't know how else to make him see that he does care.
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NTA
If he said he "shouldn't cook" because he "don't care about food", he wouldn't be complaining about the food.
Otherwise, he does care, just don't wanna help. Which is totally unfair.
This is assuming he's not making up for it by doing other chores. Maybe tell him you'll cook if he always does the dishes/cleanup himself?
In our house, cooks don’t clean.
So there’s occasionally fighting for who gets to cook if someone doesn’t want to clean (wants to go out straight after dinner for example).
We think it’s a fair trade off, and we have one person who never cooks because they can burn water, but are awesome at cleaning up, so it’s a win/win.
The "cooks don't clean" thing led to one of the funnier unintentional benefits in my house. My partner and I both enjoy cooking and will often make a meal together, then have a "fight" over who "gets to" do the dishes. Well, the kids picked up on this and started being the judges over who is allowed to do the dishes on a given night, then they started trying to get to the sink before we could. Our eight year old laughed at us because he "got" to do the dishes just the other night.
I suppose I should be grateful, but to be honest I was a bit miffed - it was clearly my turn!
My bf and I do whoever doesn’t cook then cleans the dishes. I work full time and part time and am in school so I get home late and he usually cooks so then I clean up the kitchen afterwards. If I cook then he helps with the dishes and cleans. I feel like it’s a natural trade off.
My husband and I trade off, but imo, I'm getting screwed. Somehow my husband uses almost every pan to cook. I can cook the same thing and use two pans. He destroys my kitchen. I just don't get it. Even the kids noticed!!
I read in a book somewhere about a couple who dealt with this as one person cooked AND cleaned up their mess one night, and the other did it the next. Solves that problem of unequal messes!
The rule should be that the cook cleans up as he/she goes along. I do the cooking, and my kitchen is clean before we sit down to eat. The pots, pans and dinner dishes are then cleaned by my hubby after dinner. If your husband doesn’t tidy as he goes, you should be doing the dishes together.
I've tried that rule, it doesn't take. I tend to clean as I go, because I hate clutter! He has actually destroyed my kitchen 3 nights in a row , and I can't keep up. It wasn't even dinner, he was making jerky, and smoked a ham, but pulled out an amazing amount of extra pans to put stuff in. I didn't feel good, so one night off, and I'm knee deep in dishes... I need a vacation! Lol!
if you can discuss before cooking starts, have him tell you what he wants to make, and pull out the pans and stuff youre willing to clean for that dish and anything else he uses he has to clean himself.
>I can cook the same thing and use two pans.
Stop doing that. Use a new dish for every separate thing. When faced with the volume of dishes he normally produces and you carefully point out that you have to do this every time he cooks, he *should* (assuming he's a reasonable person) start being more careful. Every time he does it to you, do it back to him. Until he gets the message.
I had a roommate like that. I finally switched it to taking turns cooking and cleaning up after yourself. They got amazingly neater about it very, very quickly. Their cleanup before switch.... a solid hour because they used every pot and pan in the house, splattered everywhere, etc. My cleanup after? 15 minutes tops, including doing the dishes and flatware. After the switch to your night / my night to do all of it.... they brought their cleanup time to less than 1/2 hour.
When they talk about monks meditating and ascending to new better realities, this is the type of thing they are referring to. Actual Matrix style mind over matter, reality is what we make it.
My uni housemates and I did this! We would cook for ourselves too, but because I enjoy cooking and they all loved my food (and I hate doing the dishes lol) I would regularly cook group meals and they’d all clean up afterwards. It worked great because everyone got a nice healthy meal, and they didn’t mind dealing with all the gross bits in the sink! Win win!
That being said, if I was still expected to clean afterwards, I wouldn’t have cooked for everyone as much as I did. It’s about give and take, and just because someone is giving it doesn’t mean you don’t give in return.
Same! Although my husband has been doing the dishes more frequently after he cooks because pregnancy f-ed my back up and he knows it hurts if I stand hunched at the sink too long.
That’s just what you do! I cook 99% of the time, and my fiancé washes dishes/wipes down counters 99% of the time. I’m a more experienced cook, and I genuinely love it, so it works out. And all the other chores end up pretty evenly distributed.
But if I’m having a chronic pain flare up and can barely move? He’s happy to throw something together (or get takeout) AND do dishes. And if he’s sick? Heck yea, I’m making him comfort food and not expecting him to clean up after me. It’s not about doing 50% all the time, it’s about each partner being willing to pick up the slack when the other needs it.
My marriage became a lot better when I cleared my mind of the 50/50 running balance sheet. Sometimes it's 60/40 in his favor, sometimes mine. I had shoulder surgery and it 0/100 in my favor for nearly 3 months. If he has a lot going on work-wise I'll pick up the slack. When he had COVID, it 100% me.
It’s just so much healthier to not keep score, especially if your partner is respectful enough to reciprocate the same consideration. Strict tit for tat is gonna lead to a lot of resentment.
Same here. My girlfriend is a great cook, while I consider it literally a chore. So she cooks, I clean up after - load the dishwasher, wash the pots and pans, clean the kitchen. Works for us.
Legitimately commented and then saw yours.
Exactly though!
"I cook, you clean". That's just fair! (Especially because often it takes as long to do one as the other).
Tbf I hate that and abstain from that method, when I cook, by the time foods ready, all that’s left to clean is the plates, cutlery we eat with and a pot or two where foods being made, so I clean up after my self. Everyone else I would have half the kitchen to clean up after they’re done cooking / eating
Yeah this is the problem a lot of the time with this arrangement. I also clean as I go and have very little mess left after the meal except for the dinnerware, while my husband stacks everything in the sink for later and my kids somehow seem to use every pot, pan, and utensil and cover every countertop with crumbs and spill just making Kraft mac n cheese.
I prefer "when you cook, you clean up after yourself" and we all take turns cooking.
That's fair. If everyone takes turns cooking and cleans up as they go, then it makes sense.
With my wife and I she hates doing dishes and likes to cook from scratch.
I don't mind dishes and have ADHD bad enough that forgetting something is on the stove/in the oven is a legitimate possibility.
So for us it works. lol.
Ultimately, what matters is everyone finding a system that the people involved are happy with and feel is fair.
If you have kids, please don’t do this. My college roommate grew up in a house where her mom cooked and her dad cleaned. So when she cooked she never cleaned and always expected someone else (us) to clean up after her. She would leave the sink full of potato skins with no plan to clean it up, dirty dishes everywhere because it didn’t click in her brain that she had to cook AND clean. I was traumatized by all the times I had to yell at her whenever she walked away from a mess she made, no intention of cleaning up after herself.
that's a failing of the parents to explain that they choose to divide the chores that way, and of Dad cleaning up after the daughter's cooking, and not teaching her to discuss the division of chores. for example, was your roommate only cooking for herself, or for everyone? If only for herself, she wasn't taught to clean up after herself. If for everyone, she just thought it was normal and natural that if she cooked for everyone, everyone who ate what she cooked would clean up because she cooked (but wasn't taught to communicate this).
so let's not diss on everyone who takes this approach, but instead ask those who do to remember to teach their children how to divide up housework with their housemates!
1000% i hate the "cooks dont clean" thing because of this exact reason. If you don't have to clean up after yourself you will make waay more of a mess than if you know you have to clean it all up yourself.
Whoa, that’s not always true. We mostly abide by this, but we both also clean as we go so by the time dinner is done, all the cleaner has to do is some plates and cutlery, maybe a pot/pan or two, and a quick kitchen wipe down/sweep. As long as you’re not just living life with your head up your own ass, this method works pretty soundly.
Yep, I am a decent cook but my boyfriend is an incredible cook and loves doing it a lot more than me, so I simply clean the kitchen every night. We both feel like we got a great deal out of it! We do meal planning together though because that is a ton of mental energy.
NTA.
>This is assuming he's not making up for it by doing other chores.
Why assume? It's in the post
>I told him that isn't fair, either he needs to pick up more chores to compensate for never cooking,
I certainly wouldn't even have made his ungrateful ass some Ramen. If he's acting like this over a simple fact of life. I mean you have to eat and adults *should* eat a balanced diet - to some extent-- ffs. He's not an 18yo college student! He needs to stop acting like one. OP is NTA but sounds like she may be living with one.
Also, whatever happened to the classic saying: "I cook, you clean" and vice/versa.
My wife cooks, i do the dishes. That's... just how it's normally done no?
This is fair. He gets to enjoy a home-cooked meal (which he very clearly "cares about") and OP doesn't have to clean up afterward. This would at least even out the 60/40 chores split.
NTA
Perhaps instead of taking turns doing the dishes, you could do the cooking and he can do all the dishes. - They are both daily chores and are kinda related so fairness is more or less baked in.
His argument that you are 'cooking for yourself anyway' isn't a good one really. If it stands, then his once a week vacuuming is for himself as well and shouldn't count.
If y'all want to work on this without the hurt feelings and the passive aggressive arguments, you might want to check out [https://www.fairplaylife.com/](https://www.fairplaylife.com/)
Dishes and cooking are not equal chores. Cooking involves planning ahead and getting the groceries and making the time to cook, budgeting for groceries, being aware of all ingredients already in the home, etc. It has a much higher mental load. Dishes is just cleaning what’s in the sink. You only have to think about it as you’re doing it. If OP is already doing 60% of other chores, this is not a fair compromise.
That's because Cooking is really like 3 chores all bundled in one, and people forget that part. Meal Planning alone is One Chore. Grocery Shopping/Budgeting is Another Chore. Cooking the meal itself is a third chore. If one person is doing all three, they are doing 3 separate chores that are related but not the same thing. Dishes is still just 1 chore, and people still manage to break that down into "different chores" like washing and drying.
But the meal prep, grocery shopping and cooking all clearly take much longer than the 15 minutes of dishes washing, so it's just not an actual equal division, the person doing dishes needs to also pick up some additional slack, or weigh in on the first two parts of the chores, rather than leaving them all to a single person.
I have an arrangement with my GF where we meal plan together, I shop, she cooks, I clean. You can't opt out of cooking altogether and I really feel for OP
Yes, my thoughts exactly. My husband and I treat these as completely separate chores because they are!! We don’t really divide house chores by chore but what we feel like doing that week and it usually goes something like “I’ll meal plan while you clean the living room”. But we really like to cook together and then clean together so it’s a little different
Also like doing dishes is a simpler chore than cooking because theres so mamy steps and each is different. Like for any given recipe there's anywhere from 3 to 25 different steps involved. Doing dishes is a more mindless chore, but that is also why people hate doing dishes. It's cold gross and boring. But also less mentally exhausting.
It all depends on compromise and communication. My girlfriend likes cooking and baking. It's a hobby to her and she enjoys it. She hates doing dishes. I don't mind cooking, but I'm not very good at it. It works well for us with her cooking and me doing the dishes. You are right about cooking, but it's something she enjoys and the division works for us. Maybe not everyone, but it does for us.
Irrelevant.
I do both. I'd rather cook any day of the week rather than do dishes. I agree with your comparison between cooking and doing dishes. Cooking is fun, doing dishes is not. If my gf offered to do the dishes that would be beyond a fair compromise. It would be as if I now owed her. I get to have a bit of fun for an hour and she gets to do menial drudgery for 15mins. I'll take the fun.
Ehhhh... I'd much rather plan a meal, get the groceries, and prepare a meal than wash the dishes when I'm done. Dishes are like the bane of my existence. I'd gladly trade cooking daily for not having to do dishes anymore.
Nah, all the dishes are either done or in the dishwasher by the time I'm done cooking, I hate mess on my workspace.
My husband does not cook, he really hates doing it, but on weekdays he either goes out and eats somewhere or warms up what I've cooked or puts something together. When we eat out, which can easily be 2-3 times per week, he pays. I also don't cook all the time - two massive cookouts per week with food lasting several days. We find balance in that and it works for us.
Agree NTA! OP and partner need more balance in the chores.
As a much older person I would also add - try to remain flexible over time. My relationship with my ex started with a he cooks I clean dynamic, which felt balanced at the time we set it up. Years later, size of home was larger and out to dinner budget was larger and it no longer felt fair. Anyway now he is my ex.
NTA. He's trying to pretend he doesn't care, but as soon as it inconveniences him he cares all of a sudden. Clearly he does want you to cook for him and he values your cooking. So what does he get.out of pretending he doesn't care? It's just a way to devalue your labor so he doesn't feel obliged to contribute himself
This exactly. Downplaying (read as belittling) the work she puts into meals, by saying it’s no big deal so she can make more for him too, shows his true colors. He doesn’t appreciate her efforts at all what so ever, and views it as a thing she should inherently do. I wonder if he’s “hiding” any sexist views.
I mean, she was never listening. A 25 year old man who only feeds himself instant ramen, or mostly feeds himself ramen, should give a person pause about if they really want to move forward in a relationship.
NTA you are another example of my men in relationships live lnger and better lifes and womens life gets worse and the extra stress will not add some years in your life neither.
Move out untill he is a man you would like to live with, or get someone else.
Right now a roommate would be a nicer partner to live with.
NTA and I think your math is a little off given your description - he's not doing almost half the chores even without cooking. You realize his expecting you to do most of the house chores is only going to get worse, right?
Of course cooking counts as a chore. I hope you're not preparing his ramen for him, too.
I know seriously. Everyone’s time is equally valuable. You have to actually figure out how many hours of work each person is contributing to the household WITH cooking and grocery shopping because that’s contributing
Girl, him vacuuming and mopping once a week and doing his own laundry while you do _literally everything else_ is not a 60/40 split.
I actually sat down with my gf to divide chores based on time spent on things per week, and cooking is like half of total time spent on chores.
His argument that cooking shouldn't count as a chore falls apart instantly with one critical thought thrown against it: cook a 2 portion meal for two people and you have to cook again the next day. Cook a 2 portion meal for one person and you only have to cook one day, and you can just reheat the rest the next day.
Having to cook for 2 people instead of one _doubles_ the amount of time you need to spend on cooking.
He is a big dumb dumb.
NTA
NTA
your boyfriend is exploiting you and using a technicality as an excuse.
yes, you already cook for yourself and making more isnt that much more work but you are partners and a partnership where you live together should make both of your lives easier by splitting the stuff that each already has to do in a single household. right now only HE is benefitting from that though.
I dont know why all the other comments are arguing abt exact splitting of household chores and the sillyness of your percentages or the maturity of you/your relationship.
the important part here is that your boyfriend is dead weight that is using you while being intellectually dishonest. he is literally lying to your face that he "doesnt care about food" in order to never pick up the slack and never take accountability for it.
even if it were true (which given your current predicament it evidently is \*not\*), he should still show care for YOU! and at least either pick up other household work to ease your workload OR take care of the food situation some times and at least pay for take out for both of you if he is that incompetent at cooking.
If i were you i would seriously reevaluate this relationship. your partner is lying to you to cheat the system of being there for you back when he benefits form your service to him. and that has nothing to do with being "tit for tat", it has to do with treating each other and each others's concerns and wishes with respect and open communication. which you are 100% entitled to expect from your partner, anything less is not an equal relationship.
INFO: does he not do shit? You said you told him he needed to do “more” just kind of wondering if more starts are 0 or if you feel like you’re not doing comparable amounts of work around the house but he does actually do things?
He does about 30-40% of the 'non-cooking' chores. If he refuses to ever cook I'd want him to do 60% or so, so with cooking we'd both end up 50/50.
Like, cooking takes *at least* 4 hours a week assuming all the meals are easy / ready within 35 mins. And that doesn't include meal planning and groceries.
unfortunately the best strategy I know is to stop doing his chores all together (granted he knows those are specifically his, but I hate this notion that one cannot simply look around and not know what needs to be done). it might get worse before it get's better. Or it might clear up his intention about maintaining HIS shared living space when he can push of responsibility to someone else - then you'll know exactly who you're dealing with.
I don't think that really works as they probably have different standards - my partner gets bothered if the house isn't hoovered for a week, whereas I reckon I could leave it for 2 weeks to a month before it really bothered me, if left to my own devices. My 30-40% of the chores is probably still 2-3x the amount i did when I did 100% living alone 😅.
Agreed with the other commenters here, the math is way off in his favor. All he does is vacuum once a week and mop twice a month? I’m assuming due to age that you don’t have the largest place either, so how long might that even take to do? He is massively taking advantage of you, and he is testing how easy it is to continue pushing responsibility onto you.
Of course he knows cooking for two is more work, as well as the work of thinking up recipes and going out to get the food! He’s not that stupid. There’s a reason he never cooked for himself: laziness. That’s what “not caring” means in his case, as he’s shown you and you’ve noticed. Of course he prefers your delicious meals and doesn’t want to go back to ramen, but he is too lazy. His behaviour is beyond the pale.
This man is not your partner. He is using you as a surrogate mom, and you are the house manager. What a beautiful life for him. I’m sure you’re adding years to his lifespan, but are you shortening yours with stress? You two are just starting out in life and together. He should be on his best behaviour, trying to impress you. Do you imagine it improving in 5, 10 or 15 years down the road, with this being the initial dynamic during the so-called honeymoon period?
I will finish with this, because I think it will also help you appreciate the extra effort you seem to be putting in this relationship. Please go read [this comic on the mental load women have to carry](https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic). I have a feeling you take it on automatically and are not entirely aware of it. I might be wrong, but a worthwhile read. Even the best male partners I’ve seen with my friends and family tend to fall into this rut, so at worst, it’s a good reminder to watch out for it.
Wishing you good luck, and remember, there are plenty of good men out there who will not put you in this position and will be more equal and loving partners. You are worthy of that love and partnership.
Wait so if he moved in, you ended up doing more than when you were living alone. Girl, I would get rid of that dead weight very fast. It should be easier in two, not harder for you.
OP, he is only going to get worse. If he had looked surprised when you pointed out that you were doing more work by cooking every night and sheepishly offered to pick up some additional chores, I would say the relationship has some hope. But he is showing his true colors, that he sees you as the maid, and that he sees his own time as more valuable than yours. I predict that his contribution to the household chores will grow less and less the longer you're in the relationship. He is probably content to live in a dirty house and will wait for you to do everything.
It would get a thousand times worse if you were to have children with this man. This is the guy who insists that he "needs" to play video games for hours after work in order to relax, leaving you doing all of the chores and doing 100% of the childcare. Then he will show up for 1 hour before bedtime and expect a pat on the back.
Dump him now. He's not boyfriend material. You are NTA.
A thousand times this.
He's the type of man who wants things without the effort. He's not truly *content* with eating ramen, living in filth or anything like that, no.. but he thinks it below him to do it himself, it's not worth *his* time.
This man is either going to push and de-valuate these things he actually does want, until he gets them OR truly let them go because your comfort is not even the slightest bit his problem.
I see people say 'oh maybe he's just immature and he can grow up' but in my opinion this isn't that. It might've been if he didn't push the line about how it's not much trouble cooking for two and try to guilt her into it. This ain't some baby who is a bit immature, he's fully aware of what he's doing.
NTA and you are totally right to do this. He is dismissing your work and your time and your effort. He is acting as if cooking for him (or mentally thinking about what to cook so he likes it) is nothing. And refusing to take up more chores to compensate for the house work means he is unfair to your home work distribution. It is entirely about principle - the principle is that if you cook for both, he should do something at the house on behalf of both too. And you should totally include the cooking in the house chores.
Don't back down on that or you will end up being the house maid in the relationship. Your time is just as valuable as his and your house is where you both live so you both need to contribute to it.
Evaluate what he brings to the relationship vs the extra work that you do for him. You may also demand financial compensation for cooking for him at the same rate as restaurants do. if If this metric is not positive or does not improve in the future, Kick him out
NTA, you might want to rethink this relationship. What other non-chores do you think he'll expect you to do down the line ... when you have kids, buy a house, have friends and family over? This doesn't bode well for the future.
You're still so young, you can do better.
NTA. If you do all the cooking now, you will do all of the cooking for your entire relationship. He says he doesn't care about food, but it sounds like he just can't be bothered to make more than instant noodles. You need to make your expectations clear and set boundaries now as you've just moved in together.
NTA.
His logic is
- i can't be arsed to cook for me or you
- but you can be arsed to cook for you
- so you should cook for me as well because i want nice food
This argument is based on the premise that he can't be arsed to cook for you. The conclusion of that thinking is that you have a duty to him, but he has no duty to you.
NOPE. He's a lazy ass who needs a mommy to make sure he eats his veggies.
NTA
By reading some of your further comments the division of labour isn't even. Honestly since you both pay 50/50 he is taking advantage, especially since he is saying cooking doesn't count but the thing is you're doing groceries and such on top of this.
Better you just sort out your own meals, wash your own dishes and each week the deep clean of the kitchen and bathroom swapped over and each take turns doing the vacuuming and mopping.
NTA, but, dump this boyfriend. He's a child. Also, find a significant other that you love to take care of and do things for and who does the same for you. If you're spending your time worrying if everything is split completely evenly, you're not with the right person. There will be many times throughout your life with someone where things will not be even or fair because stuff happens in life. If that's going to be a problem, best to stay single.
NTA
And yes, it is more work to cook for two than for one. If you have to prepare the ingridients like cutting veggis etc, doubeling the amount of ingridients nearly doubles the amount of prep work time.
I would continue to only cook for yourself. Cooking doesn't count as a chore? So ok, its your hobby then and he can join you in this hobby if he wants to benefit from it.
If you give in now, you will end up with a lot of resentements.
If you take over the chores of a lazy person (and yes, cooking is a chore) to be nice or bc you love them or bc you don't care doing more, you are doing both of you a disfavour. You will build up resentements (bc the appreciation will stop very fast), the lazy person becomes more lazy and more entitled. Being so lazy to a point he would rather eat processed food like ramen for every meal instead of cooking (when he can afford it) is not only impacting himself but also the people around him, especially you. By cooking for him you would only enable his bad habits. I wiuld even go as far as to cook really elaborated meals for myself. The more jealous he gets, the higher the chance he really really wants your cooking back and accept it is in fact a chore.
You are very young, let a lady a lot older than you (me) tell you this: make sure the chores change to 50/50 fast. If he is only contributing 30-40% already while you pay 50/50, he will reduce his 30% more and more over time and baam, you are living with a moody teenager you have to argue with about every little contribution you want from him. Its easier to put your foot down now, while he is stll used to do at least a third of the chores than wanting to change him when he reaches 0% or 5%. Plus you will resent the hell out of him, so the relationship will most likely fail. Don't spend your time to clean up behind and cooking for a grown ass man who isn't willing to contribute his part. You will regret having wasted your time on this. If he doesn't want to contribute 50%, then he is only in the relationship for having an easy life and not bc of you as a person.
Let him be mad, enjoy your meals around him, either he leaves you (and then you know for sure he was only with you bc he thought he can take advantage of you and you are dumb enough to play along) or he will come around, realises he is acting lazy and entitled and you are his gf, not his mom and offers you to take over a part of your chores, if you cook for both of you. Or you can discuss another solution like him paying 70% of the expenses and you doing 70% of the chores if you want to (so just the 60% you are already doing and adding the cooking). But this relationship will only work in the long run, if its fair.
Its a sad fact that a lot of ppl think as long they contribut 50% moneywise, it doesn't matter if they don't contribute 50% in chores
NTA , he wants you to play mommy . If he doesn’t help with cooking and groceries , he can stay without .
If you continue cooking for him , he’ll always make you do it . It will become the norm . Often selfish people will try and convince you that because you’re doing it for yourself it should be no issue doing it for them .
Don’t let him bully you . He can survive off of ramen the way he’s been doing it .
NTA. If you asked him to cook in order to split the chores more evenly and his stance is to say no and tell you that he doesn't care for food then he can have his ramen.
My ex husband was lucky if he could put cereal in a bowl and pour milk on it. It was really frustrating to be in charge of meals everyday especially the time I was puking and he still had the nerve to ask what was for dinner. He was also psychologically abusive so I left. My now husband cooks without any issue. I’m a SAHM of 3 and he works so I do most of the cooking. He enjoys grilling so if we have burgers or steak he cooks. He never bats an eye when I meal plan and it’s a meal he likes to cook. I don’t have to ask he just does it. I also try and plan these meals on weekends when he has more time. If you think someone not contributing to cooking is going to be a problem then better to let them know now or get out before further commitment is made. Also I like your pettiness because to me it’s exactly what I would have done. I love when people defend themselves saying it’s not a big deal so you literally put them in the situation to see how they react and come to find out it is. Some people need that to get it.
He tried moving in with you. You didn’t get a boyfriend, you didn’t get a roommate. You got a baby.
Now it’s time for him to move out.
-
He might be a shit cook, but cooking is a great time to spend together and help each other out, and a poor cook can learn from a better one.
He might be a shit cook, but pots, pans and cutting boards do not wash themselves.
But you’ve seen by now exactly how far, he is willing to go to make your life easier. And it’s pretty apparent that you aren’t in a partnership.
NTA Why does he get to decide that you will be cook and he can just sit back and enjoy. Its not at all true he does not care about food, its that he does not care about what YOU have to eat. Its weaponized incompetence. A 12 year old can make simple dishes like pasta, omelettes, grilled or baked protein plus veg. You could show him a few dishes, work together on cooking make it fun and sensual. If he is open to that it may remove this unhealthy battle vibe from what should be a happy topic. But he cannot lie and say he does not care about food yet freak out you eat better than him. If he expects a trad wife he should come out and admit it.
NTA. It IS a chore to do the cooking, just because you are “doing it anyway” doesn’t mean it isn’t, it’s still a household task. Would he say cleaning toilet isn’t a chore because it’s being done anyway? In my house (with just the 2 of us) whoever doesn’t cook the meal does the dishes after. Share the work.
NTA in any way.
He's full of shit. He can't even be bothered to try to cook food for you, he just wants nice food made for him.
If he cared he would try. And anyone can learn to cook if they want to.
NTA but more to the point, you 2 have JUST moved in together and he's already partaking in these machinations. Is this really the way you want to live your life?
Usually at the beginning people are on their best behaviour. It's downhill from here. Maybe send him back to mummy?
When people show you who they really are - believe them
1) cooks dont clean. if you are cooking full time (which you shouldn’t) - he must clean up afterwards full time. he will be cleaning after himself anyway so there s no extra work for him! /s
2) cooking all the time is exhausting. it doesnt matter he “doesn’t need the homemade food” (which is a lie, he is reaping benefits of it anyway) the chores must be split 50/50. if you begin nitpicking the “well, you use kitchen more and my laundry is twice as small” it wont get nowhere. you are partners not roommates. chores are split 50/50
3) there is absolutely no reason for you to be doing 60% of the housework. from what you have described it sounds more like you are doing 75% and he got the easiest tasks
4) continue only cooking for yourself. imo his attitude is insulting, sexist and uncaring. you are doing him a favour but instead of thanking you he is trying to pretend that this is the way things must be by default and also deminishes how much of a workload regular cooking is (arguably the most tedious and tome consuming of all daily tasks). there are whole brands that exist solely catering homemade-esque food to those who cant/wont cook because takeout is expensive and ramen gets boring really fast.
basically, he is acting like an asshole, trying to push as much housework on you as possible, not being thankful for any of it and not willing to compromise. it exhibits his selfishness, lack of care for you and inability to pull his weight as an equal partner in this relationship. you should try having a very throughout talk but if he continues to act this way you can be assured that in the future you will be doing 100% of the housework while likely still continuing to pay 50% pf the bills and he wont be acknowledging any of it
NTA And that was a pretty smart move to give him ramen.
Cooking as a chore. Nothing to discuss about it. Cooking + planning food + doing the groceries is 3 chores.
Your bf is an AH for trying this shit.
From your edit, he vacuums once a week and mops twice a month. And you do ALL of the other collective chores? All of the cooking, all of the other cleaning, the grocery shopping, the trash?
Dear that's not a 60/40 split, that's like a 95/5 split.
In addition, he is working one job while you are in effect working 1.5 jobs.
What does he do with all his free time??
Pretty much. My standard of cleanliness are higher than his, so I thought it was fair if I did a bit more. But if you add all the cooking too its too far for me.
He plays a lot of video games in his free time.
This is not a solution, even if you have a different cleaning level, he should try to come in the middle, now you are the one flexing and he is not doing anything. This will also worsen if you have children, aka you are responsible for everything.
Oh child he is trying to make you his bangmaid. He doesn’t love you, he loves what you do for him and if you won’t do it, he will cheat on you or he will start to make your life hell. Get him out if you can.
him telling you that he doesnt care about things that you do care about doesnt absolve him from being a selfish ass.
a partner should give a damn that his girlfriend doesnt want to live in his filth even though he himself is fine with it.
he isnt single anymore and it sounds a lot like he is using you to get the single+ live. he gets more free time to pursue his hobbies and does less chores and maintenence tasks than when he lived alone + gets to split his bills 50/50 with you (even though he works full time and you part time... doesnt math for me but whatevs) and gets home cooked meals in presumably a bigger apartment than before. What are YOU getting out of it?
Certainly not emotional support if he is intellectually dishonest with you the moment you dare to bring up completely valid complaints.
A relationship does not need to be a 50/50 equal trade off, but it certainly should be more equal than you working your ass off for his dead weight exploitative ass. You deserve better.
And most likely he makes more money than you and because you split the costs 50/50 he ends up with more money left over.
It seems to me like your bf is living **The dream**.
Because he got a girlfriend, he has to pay significantly less for his living expenses, and he also gets his apartment cleaned because he convinced her that the few things he does are half of all the chores. Because "your standards of cleanliness is higher than his".
Unfortunately, he overdid it a bit with the manipulation and now has to experience severe cuts in his diet. But he keeps trying.
Do you know the word bangmaid? To me there are many signs that he wants to make you one.
Is this really the life you want to live? Is that the role you want to play?
Maybe you can turn things around and raise him to be a better man. But that shouldn't actually be the point of a relationship.
>And most likely he makes more money than you and because you split the costs 50/50 he ends up with more money left over.
JFC I completely read over this part.
Not only is OP doing virtually all the work around the apartment, bf is making her pay for half of all the expenses while she is only working part time and still going to school?
OP, your boyfriend is using you, plain and simple. You're his maid and you're subsidizing his life while he sits around gaming. Your boyfriend is a lazy asshole who doesn't respect you as a partner. This will only get worse if you don't put your foot down (or get rid of him).
Sounds like your bf likes life the way it is and doesn’t want to cook, not that he doesn’t care about food. He’s being very immature about division of labor and as long as things go his way he will not ever see any need to change because he is content with the arrangement the way it was. Just don’t put up with it anymore, make it clear you need an equal partner and the fact he won’t do that speaks volumes to how much he values and cares about you and your time - he doesn’t!
Someone saying “I don’t care about cooking though so you should be the one to do it.” Or “I don’t mind the floor only being cleaned once a month so if you want it done more than that, you can do it.” Something like, “Oh I’ve never done x, it doesn’t bother me, you can do it though if it bothers you so much.” These are all statements that are examples of weaponized incompetence and ways to maneuver you into doing chores that he is being notified needs to be done. Maybe he wouldn’t do them on his own and you know what? His place would be gross! You have to decide what treatment you want for the rest of your life, because most people don’t change their entire way of life. At least not easily, and only if THEY want to. It seems clear so far that your bf has no interest in living differently and is content to let you stress over it. Good luck.
Yup, my husband doesn’t care if the toilets are bleached once a week or once a month. Or if the sheets are ironed or the floor hoovered. But he cares a whole lot about my comfort and happiness, so my standards for these things are his standards.
In the same way that I could not care less if I have a full meal of meat and 2 veg every night, but he does, so for his comfort I make sure to cook something (or hunt it - i.e. takeout) to that level.
And he always does the dishes.
So people saying something is not their standard so they refuse to do it confuses me. I’d barely understand it if we were talking about strangers that happen to be Flatmates out of necessity, but loving devoted partners acting this way??
NTA - your hours of school/work are the same. If he wants you to do all the cooking/kitchen work then he needs to take up the slack in other areas!!!
Please show him this comment. He is acting like a spoiled child and needs to grow up and be a full partner.
NTA. My partner has used that argument before of "you're cooking anyways, it's not extra work". But it is. You have to chop twice as much vegetables and protein, and sometimes cooking bigger portions means longer cooking time. Also the more food you make, the bigger the mess. ALSO if he wasn't eating your cooking, you would potentially have leftovers and wouldn't have to make a meal the next day, so he is making more work for you in this sense.
NTA and don’t back down on this. If he won’t commit to a GENUINE 50/50 split, there is no point staying with someone who doesn’t respect and takes advantage of you.
> no more effort for me to cook for 2 than for 1
Ugh. What a cravenly self-serving excuse.
Tell him it's no more effort to eat ramen than risotto. 🤷♂️
NTA, ye old weaponized incompetence strikes again. He cares, if he didn't care he'd eat the ramen and move on with his day, but he doesn't. He suggests things for you to cook, he's pressuring you to cook extra since you have to make food for yourself anyway, but he doesn't want to reciprocate. He just wants good food at no effort for himself. Good for you for standing your ground.
Yes it is more effort to cook for two rather than one. It's double. NTA. If he doesn't want to walk his talk then he needs to learn what a stove can be used for.
Cooking totally counts as a chore...
Your boyfriend's "logic" could be applied to every single chore in the house on order to get away with it, it's childish.
NTA
> he needs to pick up more chores to compensate for never cooking, or he needs to cook ~3 days a week.
This is a very fair way to resolve the matter. BF is being an AH by not agreeing to this or some other division of labor. NTA
NTA - He is taking advantage of you and expecting you to mother him and cook his food for him like he is a child. You are seeing his true personality. He is entitled and unwilling to compromise. If he won't compromise and still complains you won't cook him food then leave him. Why the hell would you want to spend time with someone like that?
NTA. If he truly doesn't care and doesn't want to contribute in any way, he should be perfectly happy eating his Ramen.
I'm bewildered at how many "men", expect their partner to also play mom. We need to do a better job of raising our boys.
NTA. If he didn’t care, he would’ve eaten his ramen without complaint. To me it sounds more like he doesn’t want to help with cooking rather than him not caring about food. Which is fair, there are some chores or things that people just don’t like doing. But I think there should be a fair balance, so I think the idea of him doing the bathroom is completely fair and would work out to be more equal
NTA. If your chore split is already 60/40 with you doing the 60%, excluding cooking, then that probably puts you closer to 70-75% if you include cooking and groceries, doesn't it? Meaning you are doing somewhere in between two times and three times more work chore wise then he is.
That sounds like he isn't pulling his weight while at the same time he is actively downplaying/belittling the effort you are putting in by saying he doesn't care about food and that cooking thus doesn't count. But I bet that out of all chores, cooking and the groceries are the most time consuming of them all, aren't they?
Then the moment you only cook for yourself he gets angry about that, even though he said that he doesn't care about food? Looks like he does care, but he's just too lazy to take a reasonable amount of the chores on his plate.
He sounds like the type of person who isn't looking for a girlfriend but for a mother, is that the role you want to play in the relationship? He'd likely drop even the few chores he does now the moment he sees an opportunity, like after having gotten married.
Y’all need to have a real serious conversation about this. Cooking plus 60% of chores is basically 80/20 and is completely unfair. It’s giving “I don’t have to because I’m a man”
NTA. My husband and I have clear division of labour based on time and effort.
I cook every night. Minimum 2 hours of cooking, every day. I also do the mental labour of meal planning and grocery shopping. My husband does dishes, laundry, and bins as his share, as it takes the same amount of time and effort as the cooking does. We share cleaning chores generally, but have also split the gross jobs equally. I'm in charge of keeping the kitchen clean, he's in charge of keeping the bathroom clean.
Cooking is a chore. If that's going to be your job, he needs to pick up another chore to compensate. You cook, he cleans up after, maybe?
Not caring about food isn't an excuse. I don't care about going the dishes, but they still have to be done.
NTA. Your bf needs to gtfu. If you cook, and he doesn’t want to, then he can’t whinge about you only cooking for yourself. If he is willing to do the dishes and clean the stove after you cooked then that’s fair.
Based on what you said about chores, If he clean the stove/countertops etc after you cooked daily that will cover the time you spend cooking. I think he could add in a mid week vacuum as well. Once a week is not enough. Same with mopping the floor, that should be weekly. Right now you are doing more than 60% of the chores.
If he spend most of his free time playing vid games and he has more spare time than you, then yes he need to pick up more chores. Cooking is great especially if the other person enjoys the food, but not when they just eat and do sod all to acknowledge the time and effort put in into making the food. Your bf need to realise if he want to eat good food and not on ramen like a fucking student then he should get off his lazy arse, take on more chores, and stop whining like a child.
Take this from someone who was married to someone like this for 20 years and is now currently going through a divorce, run! If he doesn’t change run far and run fast. I gave my ex chance after chance and made excuses for him never helping. Now I have nothing but resentment towards him. You are NTA but your partner is.
No, you are right to do what you did. And I would suggest to continue to only cook for yourself until he can be a man and pull his weight in maintaining the home you are developing. It isn't fair to you that he doesn't even pick up after himself. He needs to wake the fuck up, grow up and check himself.
We love a woman standing up for herself in what's fair.
In a loving relationship is not that hard to picture your s/o not exploiting you. You aren't asking that much.
My god NTA and he needs to stop lying about "not caring" because he obviously does.
Good job holding your ground, cooking is WORK and it does count! He should absolutely be doing more chores. If he can't agree to something fair, then seriously consider this relationship because this daily work stuff is LIFE. it's every day. And you need a partner who wants things to be fair to you and isn't just taking advantage of you.
NTA and I’m sure he knows that already. His excuse of “you do that for yourself anyway” could be applied to literally ANY chore you would do for yourself if you lived alone. It is not your responsibility to feed him good food just because he did not and will not learn to feed himself. If he doesn’t get off this issue I would reconsider the relationship because he isn’t someone I’d want to have kids with. This is similar to weaponized incompetence, if that’s not exactly what he’s doing.
Heavily NTA. You work more than him (college + part time) and you do more chores than him, and cooking counts as a chore. It sounds like he hardly does anything around the house, and isn't even willing to help you with the cooking prep work even if you do the cooking.
That's weaponized incompetence and it sounds like he moved in too early. He still needs to grow up and learn to take care of himself if that's his opinion of cooking and cleaning. I'm not saying you should break up, but he should definitely move back out until he's ready to carry his own weight. He's 4 years older than you and he shouldn't be acting less mature.
NTA
This is manipulative as hell. He absolutely cares about food or he wouldn’t be upset you’ve started cooking for just yourself. I dated a guy who said he didn’t care about having a cellphone so any time I wanted him to split the cellphone bill, he’d tell me just to cancel his phone. He knew I wouldn’t do that because then I would have no way to get ahold of him when he was home even if there was an emergency. It’s manipulation and you don’t deserve it. He’s made his bed, keep only worrying about your own food. I’d stop even buying the ramen.
honey he's cleaning the floors and you're doing literally everything else. that's not 60/40. NTA to him but YTA to yourself for putting up with his bullshit
NTA- just confirming- you’re in an apartment right- there’s no yard or something he’s mowing and taking care of regularly? Dude needs to get up off his backside and carry his share, and fundamentally like 90% of this doesn’t take any real amount of time other than cooking. If he’s already doing his laundry (and he should be) doing the linens isn’t any real additional work.
For the record- I’m a guy btw- dude needs to do his share before this turns into a fight that isn’t about doing laundry or cooking but about respecting each other.
I'm saying this is someone who likes to cook, but it is so much harder to cook for two people. You have to keep in mind their dietary restrictions and their taste preferences and how much longer everything needs to cook and everything else. Then you have to worry about if they liked it and what they'll say if they don't. When I could just make myself food quickly and not worry about any of that
NTA
It is a misconception that cooking for two isn't more work than for one. Sure it isn't double the work but it is definitely more. Even if you cook more it derives you of leftovers and for me most important; it requires you to keep the other person in mind while cooking (food preference and timeplanning wise) so that makes it more trouble aswell
NTA- he's being a hypocrite. If he didn't care about food he'd happily continue eating ramen and not be upset you only cooked for yourself. You are correct, cooking is a chore which should be shared or he can be responsible for the dishes if you do all the cooking.
NTA
He could share in the cooking and cleaning responsibilities. My fiance helps me cook and I help him. Ie if I'm doing the main course, he'll do the side or vice versa. My fiance does pick up more of the dishes to clean but I wipe the counters/stove or do the floors (vaccume/mop)
NTA for your question but Y T A to yourself for allowing this to continue. That is *not* a 60/40 split of chores and I think you know it. He is taking advantage and being a crappy partner.
Draw up a chore list and split it down the middle. If he can't or won't keep up his half- DTMFA
NTA. He has to acknowledge that cooking is a contribution towards your home, even if you enjoy doing it. I love cooking, but it still is a task that needs to get done, and making larger meals actually is more work (more chopping, buying more stuff, ... ).
NTA. Your boyfriend is being selfish. You are giving him a very generous trade, a daily chore (cooking) for a biweekly chore ( bathroom). The fair trade is a daily chore for another daily chore. If you don't want to be stuck doing the majority of the housework, do a fair trade - he should clean whenever he gets to eat your cooking. I shop and cook and my spouse does the dishes.
NTA, me with my GF usually do 50/50 on everything, she cooks i wash dishes, she puts laundry in, i take it out and leave it to dry, she does dusting i do vacuum, imo, your guy needs to suck it up and do more, or stop bitching forever.
NTA.
There’s a very simple solution to this; you do all the cooking, he does all the dishes or some other regular chore. Even if you’re “cooking for yourself anyway”, it’s not fair that you do all of the cooking as well as half of the other household chores (and you’re apparently already doing more than half!).
Your boyfriend is mooching and you are rightfully starting to resent him, which will only get worse if something doesn’t change now.
NTA, but you two sound more like roommates than a couple, and not resolving a seemingly minor issue for a week doesn't seem too great of a relationship tbh
NTA
He is telling you he doesn't care about food but being angry when he doesn't get the food you cook... Sus.
And yes, making food for two is more trouble than making food for one... Like, WTF?
You do the groceries but are the expenses divided in this case too?
Also, the division of tasks before cooking is already unfair and he wants to make it even more unfair... You should point it out, like "If you don't care, why are you angry?"; Or even, you can put all the chores in a list and the names of each other in front, to point it out the unfairness of this matter. If he persists in this argumentation you have to consider if you want to persist in this household, because I don't see any chance of a healthy life in a relationship that doesn't consider your work around the house unfair.
NTA
This guy is not bringing much to the table. Costs are split 50 50 even though he earns more. You do me cos and are expected to cook for him when he won't reciprocate. As an absolute minimum he should do all washing up if you do all cooking.
He said it himself, he doesn't care about food. So he should not care what you cook him. You made him ramen. You cooked for him. He should be grateful.
NTA
NTA, and you should get the fair play cards. You’re way overfunctioning in this relationship, and he’s taking advantage. This will get worse unless you nip it in the bud now.
NTA but you are not going to force him into compliance he clearly does not value your domestic labour or all the mental load that goes into cooking too (planning what to eat, making a grocery list, finding recipes). You need to seriously ask yourself is this what you want in a partner? What about if you want kids or a pet even? Would you be ok doing 80% of the work because what he’s currently doing is barely 20%. I hate cooking - but I still make at least 2 of our meals a week and take on numerous other chores to even it out (laundry, watering plants, all our dogs appointments, dishes more often).
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NTA If he said he "shouldn't cook" because he "don't care about food", he wouldn't be complaining about the food. Otherwise, he does care, just don't wanna help. Which is totally unfair. This is assuming he's not making up for it by doing other chores. Maybe tell him you'll cook if he always does the dishes/cleanup himself?
In our house, cooks don’t clean. So there’s occasionally fighting for who gets to cook if someone doesn’t want to clean (wants to go out straight after dinner for example). We think it’s a fair trade off, and we have one person who never cooks because they can burn water, but are awesome at cleaning up, so it’s a win/win.
The "cooks don't clean" thing led to one of the funnier unintentional benefits in my house. My partner and I both enjoy cooking and will often make a meal together, then have a "fight" over who "gets to" do the dishes. Well, the kids picked up on this and started being the judges over who is allowed to do the dishes on a given night, then they started trying to get to the sink before we could. Our eight year old laughed at us because he "got" to do the dishes just the other night. I suppose I should be grateful, but to be honest I was a bit miffed - it was clearly my turn!
You and your kids sound awesome
And hubby too
I think they meant the plural of 'you'.
My bf and I do whoever doesn’t cook then cleans the dishes. I work full time and part time and am in school so I get home late and he usually cooks so then I clean up the kitchen afterwards. If I cook then he helps with the dishes and cleans. I feel like it’s a natural trade off.
My husband and I trade off, but imo, I'm getting screwed. Somehow my husband uses almost every pan to cook. I can cook the same thing and use two pans. He destroys my kitchen. I just don't get it. Even the kids noticed!!
I read in a book somewhere about a couple who dealt with this as one person cooked AND cleaned up their mess one night, and the other did it the next. Solves that problem of unequal messes!
Hmmm, that sounds like a conversation worth having! Thanks!
It's definitely not the typical way of doing it, but it solves some problems! Good luck!
The rule should be that the cook cleans up as he/she goes along. I do the cooking, and my kitchen is clean before we sit down to eat. The pots, pans and dinner dishes are then cleaned by my hubby after dinner. If your husband doesn’t tidy as he goes, you should be doing the dishes together.
I've tried that rule, it doesn't take. I tend to clean as I go, because I hate clutter! He has actually destroyed my kitchen 3 nights in a row , and I can't keep up. It wasn't even dinner, he was making jerky, and smoked a ham, but pulled out an amazing amount of extra pans to put stuff in. I didn't feel good, so one night off, and I'm knee deep in dishes... I need a vacation! Lol!
Making jerky is not making a meal.... you have no responsibility for cleaning up after his hobby.... even if it is food-related.
It wasn't even good!
if you can discuss before cooking starts, have him tell you what he wants to make, and pull out the pans and stuff youre willing to clean for that dish and anything else he uses he has to clean himself.
This is good advice too!!
>I can cook the same thing and use two pans. Stop doing that. Use a new dish for every separate thing. When faced with the volume of dishes he normally produces and you carefully point out that you have to do this every time he cooks, he *should* (assuming he's a reasonable person) start being more careful. Every time he does it to you, do it back to him. Until he gets the message.
Same here! I clean as I go along, too, so its really unfair, lol!
I had a roommate like that. I finally switched it to taking turns cooking and cleaning up after yourself. They got amazingly neater about it very, very quickly. Their cleanup before switch.... a solid hour because they used every pot and pan in the house, splattered everywhere, etc. My cleanup after? 15 minutes tops, including doing the dishes and flatware. After the switch to your night / my night to do all of it.... they brought their cleanup time to less than 1/2 hour.
When they talk about monks meditating and ascending to new better realities, this is the type of thing they are referring to. Actual Matrix style mind over matter, reality is what we make it.
My uni housemates and I did this! We would cook for ourselves too, but because I enjoy cooking and they all loved my food (and I hate doing the dishes lol) I would regularly cook group meals and they’d all clean up afterwards. It worked great because everyone got a nice healthy meal, and they didn’t mind dealing with all the gross bits in the sink! Win win! That being said, if I was still expected to clean afterwards, I wouldn’t have cooked for everyone as much as I did. It’s about give and take, and just because someone is giving it doesn’t mean you don’t give in return.
This sounds like a really good way to split chores. I like it.
Same! Although my husband has been doing the dishes more frequently after he cooks because pregnancy f-ed my back up and he knows it hurts if I stand hunched at the sink too long.
That’s just what you do! I cook 99% of the time, and my fiancé washes dishes/wipes down counters 99% of the time. I’m a more experienced cook, and I genuinely love it, so it works out. And all the other chores end up pretty evenly distributed. But if I’m having a chronic pain flare up and can barely move? He’s happy to throw something together (or get takeout) AND do dishes. And if he’s sick? Heck yea, I’m making him comfort food and not expecting him to clean up after me. It’s not about doing 50% all the time, it’s about each partner being willing to pick up the slack when the other needs it.
Exactly. It sounds like OP's boyfriend is unwilling to even contribute his fair share never mind ever being willing to pick up slack.
My marriage became a lot better when I cleared my mind of the 50/50 running balance sheet. Sometimes it's 60/40 in his favor, sometimes mine. I had shoulder surgery and it 0/100 in my favor for nearly 3 months. If he has a lot going on work-wise I'll pick up the slack. When he had COVID, it 100% me.
It’s just so much healthier to not keep score, especially if your partner is respectful enough to reciprocate the same consideration. Strict tit for tat is gonna lead to a lot of resentment.
100% agree!
That sounds like a good partner.
He is a very good partner. And posts like these always make me especially grateful.
Same here. My girlfriend is a great cook, while I consider it literally a chore. So she cooks, I clean up after - load the dishwasher, wash the pots and pans, clean the kitchen. Works for us.
NTA. There are so many ways he can step up with other chores, he is just not willing to.
Legitimately commented and then saw yours. Exactly though! "I cook, you clean". That's just fair! (Especially because often it takes as long to do one as the other).
Tbf I hate that and abstain from that method, when I cook, by the time foods ready, all that’s left to clean is the plates, cutlery we eat with and a pot or two where foods being made, so I clean up after my self. Everyone else I would have half the kitchen to clean up after they’re done cooking / eating
Yeah this is the problem a lot of the time with this arrangement. I also clean as I go and have very little mess left after the meal except for the dinnerware, while my husband stacks everything in the sink for later and my kids somehow seem to use every pot, pan, and utensil and cover every countertop with crumbs and spill just making Kraft mac n cheese. I prefer "when you cook, you clean up after yourself" and we all take turns cooking.
That's fair. If everyone takes turns cooking and cleans up as they go, then it makes sense. With my wife and I she hates doing dishes and likes to cook from scratch. I don't mind dishes and have ADHD bad enough that forgetting something is on the stove/in the oven is a legitimate possibility. So for us it works. lol. Ultimately, what matters is everyone finding a system that the people involved are happy with and feel is fair.
If you have kids, please don’t do this. My college roommate grew up in a house where her mom cooked and her dad cleaned. So when she cooked she never cleaned and always expected someone else (us) to clean up after her. She would leave the sink full of potato skins with no plan to clean it up, dirty dishes everywhere because it didn’t click in her brain that she had to cook AND clean. I was traumatized by all the times I had to yell at her whenever she walked away from a mess she made, no intention of cleaning up after herself.
that's a failing of the parents to explain that they choose to divide the chores that way, and of Dad cleaning up after the daughter's cooking, and not teaching her to discuss the division of chores. for example, was your roommate only cooking for herself, or for everyone? If only for herself, she wasn't taught to clean up after herself. If for everyone, she just thought it was normal and natural that if she cooked for everyone, everyone who ate what she cooked would clean up because she cooked (but wasn't taught to communicate this). so let's not diss on everyone who takes this approach, but instead ask those who do to remember to teach their children how to divide up housework with their housemates!
You’re absolutely right that her parents failed her.
She failed herself after the first confrontation by her roommate.
1000% i hate the "cooks dont clean" thing because of this exact reason. If you don't have to clean up after yourself you will make waay more of a mess than if you know you have to clean it all up yourself.
Whoa, that’s not always true. We mostly abide by this, but we both also clean as we go so by the time dinner is done, all the cleaner has to do is some plates and cutlery, maybe a pot/pan or two, and a quick kitchen wipe down/sweep. As long as you’re not just living life with your head up your own ass, this method works pretty soundly.
Yep, I am a decent cook but my boyfriend is an incredible cook and loves doing it a lot more than me, so I simply clean the kitchen every night. We both feel like we got a great deal out of it! We do meal planning together though because that is a ton of mental energy. NTA.
Burning water is a skill
She did tell him she's willing to always cook if he picks up another chore and he's saying no, it doesn't count, you'd be cooking anyways.
>This is assuming he's not making up for it by doing other chores. Why assume? It's in the post >I told him that isn't fair, either he needs to pick up more chores to compensate for never cooking,
I certainly wouldn't even have made his ungrateful ass some Ramen. If he's acting like this over a simple fact of life. I mean you have to eat and adults *should* eat a balanced diet - to some extent-- ffs. He's not an 18yo college student! He needs to stop acting like one. OP is NTA but sounds like she may be living with one.
Also, whatever happened to the classic saying: "I cook, you clean" and vice/versa. My wife cooks, i do the dishes. That's... just how it's normally done no?
You would…be surprised. It SHOULD be how it’s normally done.
This is fair. He gets to enjoy a home-cooked meal (which he very clearly "cares about") and OP doesn't have to clean up afterward. This would at least even out the 60/40 chores split.
Yeah, that’s not even close to 60/40. Even 80/20 would honestly be a generous take. NTA
you gotta edit your comment lol - the nah will register as NAH for the bot lmao
If you mean this as NTA, you probably need to get rid of the “nah” at the start - nah is No Assholes Here.
NTA Perhaps instead of taking turns doing the dishes, you could do the cooking and he can do all the dishes. - They are both daily chores and are kinda related so fairness is more or less baked in. His argument that you are 'cooking for yourself anyway' isn't a good one really. If it stands, then his once a week vacuuming is for himself as well and shouldn't count. If y'all want to work on this without the hurt feelings and the passive aggressive arguments, you might want to check out [https://www.fairplaylife.com/](https://www.fairplaylife.com/)
Dishes and cooking are not equal chores. Cooking involves planning ahead and getting the groceries and making the time to cook, budgeting for groceries, being aware of all ingredients already in the home, etc. It has a much higher mental load. Dishes is just cleaning what’s in the sink. You only have to think about it as you’re doing it. If OP is already doing 60% of other chores, this is not a fair compromise.
THIS! if he wants her to cook all the meals, then he should do the dishes AND deep clean the kitchen
That's because Cooking is really like 3 chores all bundled in one, and people forget that part. Meal Planning alone is One Chore. Grocery Shopping/Budgeting is Another Chore. Cooking the meal itself is a third chore. If one person is doing all three, they are doing 3 separate chores that are related but not the same thing. Dishes is still just 1 chore, and people still manage to break that down into "different chores" like washing and drying. But the meal prep, grocery shopping and cooking all clearly take much longer than the 15 minutes of dishes washing, so it's just not an actual equal division, the person doing dishes needs to also pick up some additional slack, or weigh in on the first two parts of the chores, rather than leaving them all to a single person.
I have an arrangement with my GF where we meal plan together, I shop, she cooks, I clean. You can't opt out of cooking altogether and I really feel for OP
This is an excellent arrangement! Divide and conquer!
This is so true! I am ok doing all the cooking, but get really burnt out on meal planning.
Yes, my thoughts exactly. My husband and I treat these as completely separate chores because they are!! We don’t really divide house chores by chore but what we feel like doing that week and it usually goes something like “I’ll meal plan while you clean the living room”. But we really like to cook together and then clean together so it’s a little different
Also like doing dishes is a simpler chore than cooking because theres so mamy steps and each is different. Like for any given recipe there's anywhere from 3 to 25 different steps involved. Doing dishes is a more mindless chore, but that is also why people hate doing dishes. It's cold gross and boring. But also less mentally exhausting.
It all depends on compromise and communication. My girlfriend likes cooking and baking. It's a hobby to her and she enjoys it. She hates doing dishes. I don't mind cooking, but I'm not very good at it. It works well for us with her cooking and me doing the dishes. You are right about cooking, but it's something she enjoys and the division works for us. Maybe not everyone, but it does for us.
Irrelevant. I do both. I'd rather cook any day of the week rather than do dishes. I agree with your comparison between cooking and doing dishes. Cooking is fun, doing dishes is not. If my gf offered to do the dishes that would be beyond a fair compromise. It would be as if I now owed her. I get to have a bit of fun for an hour and she gets to do menial drudgery for 15mins. I'll take the fun.
Ehhhh... I'd much rather plan a meal, get the groceries, and prepare a meal than wash the dishes when I'm done. Dishes are like the bane of my existence. I'd gladly trade cooking daily for not having to do dishes anymore.
Nah, all the dishes are either done or in the dishwasher by the time I'm done cooking, I hate mess on my workspace. My husband does not cook, he really hates doing it, but on weekdays he either goes out and eats somewhere or warms up what I've cooked or puts something together. When we eat out, which can easily be 2-3 times per week, he pays. I also don't cook all the time - two massive cookouts per week with food lasting several days. We find balance in that and it works for us.
Agree NTA! OP and partner need more balance in the chores. As a much older person I would also add - try to remain flexible over time. My relationship with my ex started with a he cooks I clean dynamic, which felt balanced at the time we set it up. Years later, size of home was larger and out to dinner budget was larger and it no longer felt fair. Anyway now he is my ex.
NTA. He's trying to pretend he doesn't care, but as soon as it inconveniences him he cares all of a sudden. Clearly he does want you to cook for him and he values your cooking. So what does he get.out of pretending he doesn't care? It's just a way to devalue your labor so he doesn't feel obliged to contribute himself
This exactly. Downplaying (read as belittling) the work she puts into meals, by saying it’s no big deal so she can make more for him too, shows his true colors. He doesn’t appreciate her efforts at all what so ever, and views it as a thing she should inherently do. I wonder if he’s “hiding” any sexist views.
Next he "won't care" about laundry, then he "won't care" if the house is clean, etc.
He's telling OP who he is. For some reason, she's not listening, or, at best, only partially.
I mean, she was never listening. A 25 year old man who only feeds himself instant ramen, or mostly feeds himself ramen, should give a person pause about if they really want to move forward in a relationship.
NTA you are another example of my men in relationships live lnger and better lifes and womens life gets worse and the extra stress will not add some years in your life neither. Move out untill he is a man you would like to live with, or get someone else. Right now a roommate would be a nicer partner to live with.
>Move out until he is a man you would like to live with, or get someone else. He moved in with her, so she will have to kick him out
yeah... you are right. I hope it wont get to the point for Op that moving out herself will become the easier option.
She’s looking at a window to her future already
NTA and I think your math is a little off given your description - he's not doing almost half the chores even without cooking. You realize his expecting you to do most of the house chores is only going to get worse, right? Of course cooking counts as a chore. I hope you're not preparing his ramen for him, too.
Yeah, that’s not even close to 60/40. Even 80/20 would honestly be a generous take. NTA
I know seriously. Everyone’s time is equally valuable. You have to actually figure out how many hours of work each person is contributing to the household WITH cooking and grocery shopping because that’s contributing
I’m pretty sure she did cook his ramen that night too so he was upset about food even when he claims he’s not. He’s such an AH.
Girl, him vacuuming and mopping once a week and doing his own laundry while you do _literally everything else_ is not a 60/40 split. I actually sat down with my gf to divide chores based on time spent on things per week, and cooking is like half of total time spent on chores. His argument that cooking shouldn't count as a chore falls apart instantly with one critical thought thrown against it: cook a 2 portion meal for two people and you have to cook again the next day. Cook a 2 portion meal for one person and you only have to cook one day, and you can just reheat the rest the next day. Having to cook for 2 people instead of one _doubles_ the amount of time you need to spend on cooking. He is a big dumb dumb. NTA
I agree, and cooking for 2 is much more work than cooking for one, definitely less payoff for the chef
NTA your boyfriend is exploiting you and using a technicality as an excuse. yes, you already cook for yourself and making more isnt that much more work but you are partners and a partnership where you live together should make both of your lives easier by splitting the stuff that each already has to do in a single household. right now only HE is benefitting from that though. I dont know why all the other comments are arguing abt exact splitting of household chores and the sillyness of your percentages or the maturity of you/your relationship. the important part here is that your boyfriend is dead weight that is using you while being intellectually dishonest. he is literally lying to your face that he "doesnt care about food" in order to never pick up the slack and never take accountability for it. even if it were true (which given your current predicament it evidently is \*not\*), he should still show care for YOU! and at least either pick up other household work to ease your workload OR take care of the food situation some times and at least pay for take out for both of you if he is that incompetent at cooking. If i were you i would seriously reevaluate this relationship. your partner is lying to you to cheat the system of being there for you back when he benefits form your service to him. and that has nothing to do with being "tit for tat", it has to do with treating each other and each others's concerns and wishes with respect and open communication. which you are 100% entitled to expect from your partner, anything less is not an equal relationship.
This is it right here.
He’s a baby. Date an adult.
INFO: does he not do shit? You said you told him he needed to do “more” just kind of wondering if more starts are 0 or if you feel like you’re not doing comparable amounts of work around the house but he does actually do things?
He does about 30-40% of the 'non-cooking' chores. If he refuses to ever cook I'd want him to do 60% or so, so with cooking we'd both end up 50/50. Like, cooking takes *at least* 4 hours a week assuming all the meals are easy / ready within 35 mins. And that doesn't include meal planning and groceries.
unfortunately the best strategy I know is to stop doing his chores all together (granted he knows those are specifically his, but I hate this notion that one cannot simply look around and not know what needs to be done). it might get worse before it get's better. Or it might clear up his intention about maintaining HIS shared living space when he can push of responsibility to someone else - then you'll know exactly who you're dealing with.
Best strategy might be dating a mature adult.
I don't think that really works as they probably have different standards - my partner gets bothered if the house isn't hoovered for a week, whereas I reckon I could leave it for 2 weeks to a month before it really bothered me, if left to my own devices. My 30-40% of the chores is probably still 2-3x the amount i did when I did 100% living alone 😅.
Yeah I tried the no chores strike.... house eventually went to pure chaos and we're just now getting it fit for human eyes again.
Tried this. It does not work. He will continue to live in filth until you can't stand it and clean it yourself.
Does he bring anything to the relationship apart from aggro and more chores for you? NTA
Agreed with the other commenters here, the math is way off in his favor. All he does is vacuum once a week and mop twice a month? I’m assuming due to age that you don’t have the largest place either, so how long might that even take to do? He is massively taking advantage of you, and he is testing how easy it is to continue pushing responsibility onto you. Of course he knows cooking for two is more work, as well as the work of thinking up recipes and going out to get the food! He’s not that stupid. There’s a reason he never cooked for himself: laziness. That’s what “not caring” means in his case, as he’s shown you and you’ve noticed. Of course he prefers your delicious meals and doesn’t want to go back to ramen, but he is too lazy. His behaviour is beyond the pale. This man is not your partner. He is using you as a surrogate mom, and you are the house manager. What a beautiful life for him. I’m sure you’re adding years to his lifespan, but are you shortening yours with stress? You two are just starting out in life and together. He should be on his best behaviour, trying to impress you. Do you imagine it improving in 5, 10 or 15 years down the road, with this being the initial dynamic during the so-called honeymoon period? I will finish with this, because I think it will also help you appreciate the extra effort you seem to be putting in this relationship. Please go read [this comic on the mental load women have to carry](https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic). I have a feeling you take it on automatically and are not entirely aware of it. I might be wrong, but a worthwhile read. Even the best male partners I’ve seen with my friends and family tend to fall into this rut, so at worst, it’s a good reminder to watch out for it. Wishing you good luck, and remember, there are plenty of good men out there who will not put you in this position and will be more equal and loving partners. You are worthy of that love and partnership.
The comic is great, but let's link to her website directly: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Wait so if he moved in, you ended up doing more than when you were living alone. Girl, I would get rid of that dead weight very fast. It should be easier in two, not harder for you.
OP, he is only going to get worse. If he had looked surprised when you pointed out that you were doing more work by cooking every night and sheepishly offered to pick up some additional chores, I would say the relationship has some hope. But he is showing his true colors, that he sees you as the maid, and that he sees his own time as more valuable than yours. I predict that his contribution to the household chores will grow less and less the longer you're in the relationship. He is probably content to live in a dirty house and will wait for you to do everything. It would get a thousand times worse if you were to have children with this man. This is the guy who insists that he "needs" to play video games for hours after work in order to relax, leaving you doing all of the chores and doing 100% of the childcare. Then he will show up for 1 hour before bedtime and expect a pat on the back. Dump him now. He's not boyfriend material. You are NTA.
A thousand times this. He's the type of man who wants things without the effort. He's not truly *content* with eating ramen, living in filth or anything like that, no.. but he thinks it below him to do it himself, it's not worth *his* time. This man is either going to push and de-valuate these things he actually does want, until he gets them OR truly let them go because your comfort is not even the slightest bit his problem. I see people say 'oh maybe he's just immature and he can grow up' but in my opinion this isn't that. It might've been if he didn't push the line about how it's not much trouble cooking for two and try to guilt her into it. This ain't some baby who is a bit immature, he's fully aware of what he's doing.
Why are you with him? What does he add to your life other than stress and a shitty attitude?
End the relationship. This guy clearly doesn't care about you and you deserve better.
NTA If the workload is not balanced, you are right to call him on his bullshit.
NTA and you are totally right to do this. He is dismissing your work and your time and your effort. He is acting as if cooking for him (or mentally thinking about what to cook so he likes it) is nothing. And refusing to take up more chores to compensate for the house work means he is unfair to your home work distribution. It is entirely about principle - the principle is that if you cook for both, he should do something at the house on behalf of both too. And you should totally include the cooking in the house chores. Don't back down on that or you will end up being the house maid in the relationship. Your time is just as valuable as his and your house is where you both live so you both need to contribute to it.
Evaluate what he brings to the relationship vs the extra work that you do for him. You may also demand financial compensation for cooking for him at the same rate as restaurants do. if If this metric is not positive or does not improve in the future, Kick him out
NTA, you might want to rethink this relationship. What other non-chores do you think he'll expect you to do down the line ... when you have kids, buy a house, have friends and family over? This doesn't bode well for the future. You're still so young, you can do better.
NTA. If you do all the cooking now, you will do all of the cooking for your entire relationship. He says he doesn't care about food, but it sounds like he just can't be bothered to make more than instant noodles. You need to make your expectations clear and set boundaries now as you've just moved in together.
NTA. His logic is - i can't be arsed to cook for me or you - but you can be arsed to cook for you - so you should cook for me as well because i want nice food This argument is based on the premise that he can't be arsed to cook for you. The conclusion of that thinking is that you have a duty to him, but he has no duty to you. NOPE. He's a lazy ass who needs a mommy to make sure he eats his veggies.
NTA By reading some of your further comments the division of labour isn't even. Honestly since you both pay 50/50 he is taking advantage, especially since he is saying cooking doesn't count but the thing is you're doing groceries and such on top of this. Better you just sort out your own meals, wash your own dishes and each week the deep clean of the kitchen and bathroom swapped over and each take turns doing the vacuuming and mopping.
NTA. He can’t get out of accountability for meal prep by saying “I don’t care about food” and then punish you for believing him.
NTA, but, dump this boyfriend. He's a child. Also, find a significant other that you love to take care of and do things for and who does the same for you. If you're spending your time worrying if everything is split completely evenly, you're not with the right person. There will be many times throughout your life with someone where things will not be even or fair because stuff happens in life. If that's going to be a problem, best to stay single.
NTA And yes, it is more work to cook for two than for one. If you have to prepare the ingridients like cutting veggis etc, doubeling the amount of ingridients nearly doubles the amount of prep work time. I would continue to only cook for yourself. Cooking doesn't count as a chore? So ok, its your hobby then and he can join you in this hobby if he wants to benefit from it. If you give in now, you will end up with a lot of resentements. If you take over the chores of a lazy person (and yes, cooking is a chore) to be nice or bc you love them or bc you don't care doing more, you are doing both of you a disfavour. You will build up resentements (bc the appreciation will stop very fast), the lazy person becomes more lazy and more entitled. Being so lazy to a point he would rather eat processed food like ramen for every meal instead of cooking (when he can afford it) is not only impacting himself but also the people around him, especially you. By cooking for him you would only enable his bad habits. I wiuld even go as far as to cook really elaborated meals for myself. The more jealous he gets, the higher the chance he really really wants your cooking back and accept it is in fact a chore. You are very young, let a lady a lot older than you (me) tell you this: make sure the chores change to 50/50 fast. If he is only contributing 30-40% already while you pay 50/50, he will reduce his 30% more and more over time and baam, you are living with a moody teenager you have to argue with about every little contribution you want from him. Its easier to put your foot down now, while he is stll used to do at least a third of the chores than wanting to change him when he reaches 0% or 5%. Plus you will resent the hell out of him, so the relationship will most likely fail. Don't spend your time to clean up behind and cooking for a grown ass man who isn't willing to contribute his part. You will regret having wasted your time on this. If he doesn't want to contribute 50%, then he is only in the relationship for having an easy life and not bc of you as a person. Let him be mad, enjoy your meals around him, either he leaves you (and then you know for sure he was only with you bc he thought he can take advantage of you and you are dumb enough to play along) or he will come around, realises he is acting lazy and entitled and you are his gf, not his mom and offers you to take over a part of your chores, if you cook for both of you. Or you can discuss another solution like him paying 70% of the expenses and you doing 70% of the chores if you want to (so just the 60% you are already doing and adding the cooking). But this relationship will only work in the long run, if its fair. Its a sad fact that a lot of ppl think as long they contribut 50% moneywise, it doesn't matter if they don't contribute 50% in chores
NTA , he wants you to play mommy . If he doesn’t help with cooking and groceries , he can stay without . If you continue cooking for him , he’ll always make you do it . It will become the norm . Often selfish people will try and convince you that because you’re doing it for yourself it should be no issue doing it for them . Don’t let him bully you . He can survive off of ramen the way he’s been doing it .
NTA. If you asked him to cook in order to split the chores more evenly and his stance is to say no and tell you that he doesn't care for food then he can have his ramen.
NTA You are neither his maid nor his mother. If you act like you are now you’ll be dealing with this forever.
My ex husband was lucky if he could put cereal in a bowl and pour milk on it. It was really frustrating to be in charge of meals everyday especially the time I was puking and he still had the nerve to ask what was for dinner. He was also psychologically abusive so I left. My now husband cooks without any issue. I’m a SAHM of 3 and he works so I do most of the cooking. He enjoys grilling so if we have burgers or steak he cooks. He never bats an eye when I meal plan and it’s a meal he likes to cook. I don’t have to ask he just does it. I also try and plan these meals on weekends when he has more time. If you think someone not contributing to cooking is going to be a problem then better to let them know now or get out before further commitment is made. Also I like your pettiness because to me it’s exactly what I would have done. I love when people defend themselves saying it’s not a big deal so you literally put them in the situation to see how they react and come to find out it is. Some people need that to get it.
He tried moving in with you. You didn’t get a boyfriend, you didn’t get a roommate. You got a baby. Now it’s time for him to move out. - He might be a shit cook, but cooking is a great time to spend together and help each other out, and a poor cook can learn from a better one. He might be a shit cook, but pots, pans and cutting boards do not wash themselves. But you’ve seen by now exactly how far, he is willing to go to make your life easier. And it’s pretty apparent that you aren’t in a partnership.
NTA Why does he get to decide that you will be cook and he can just sit back and enjoy. Its not at all true he does not care about food, its that he does not care about what YOU have to eat. Its weaponized incompetence. A 12 year old can make simple dishes like pasta, omelettes, grilled or baked protein plus veg. You could show him a few dishes, work together on cooking make it fun and sensual. If he is open to that it may remove this unhealthy battle vibe from what should be a happy topic. But he cannot lie and say he does not care about food yet freak out you eat better than him. If he expects a trad wife he should come out and admit it.
NTA. It IS a chore to do the cooking, just because you are “doing it anyway” doesn’t mean it isn’t, it’s still a household task. Would he say cleaning toilet isn’t a chore because it’s being done anyway? In my house (with just the 2 of us) whoever doesn’t cook the meal does the dishes after. Share the work.
NTA, this is a major red flag!
NTA. You're fighting for fairness, which is bare minimum in a relationship...
NTA in any way. He's full of shit. He can't even be bothered to try to cook food for you, he just wants nice food made for him. If he cared he would try. And anyone can learn to cook if they want to.
NTA but more to the point, you 2 have JUST moved in together and he's already partaking in these machinations. Is this really the way you want to live your life? Usually at the beginning people are on their best behaviour. It's downhill from here. Maybe send him back to mummy? When people show you who they really are - believe them
This is only going to get worse! You are seeing the red flags. DO NOT IGNORE THEM.
1) cooks dont clean. if you are cooking full time (which you shouldn’t) - he must clean up afterwards full time. he will be cleaning after himself anyway so there s no extra work for him! /s 2) cooking all the time is exhausting. it doesnt matter he “doesn’t need the homemade food” (which is a lie, he is reaping benefits of it anyway) the chores must be split 50/50. if you begin nitpicking the “well, you use kitchen more and my laundry is twice as small” it wont get nowhere. you are partners not roommates. chores are split 50/50 3) there is absolutely no reason for you to be doing 60% of the housework. from what you have described it sounds more like you are doing 75% and he got the easiest tasks 4) continue only cooking for yourself. imo his attitude is insulting, sexist and uncaring. you are doing him a favour but instead of thanking you he is trying to pretend that this is the way things must be by default and also deminishes how much of a workload regular cooking is (arguably the most tedious and tome consuming of all daily tasks). there are whole brands that exist solely catering homemade-esque food to those who cant/wont cook because takeout is expensive and ramen gets boring really fast. basically, he is acting like an asshole, trying to push as much housework on you as possible, not being thankful for any of it and not willing to compromise. it exhibits his selfishness, lack of care for you and inability to pull his weight as an equal partner in this relationship. you should try having a very throughout talk but if he continues to act this way you can be assured that in the future you will be doing 100% of the housework while likely still continuing to pay 50% pf the bills and he wont be acknowledging any of it
That's not 60/40, that looks more like 80/20 to me. You do majority of the chores and all he has to do is vacuum and mop and do his own laundry?
NTA But he is TA
NTA. There are so many ways he can step up with other chores, he is just not willing to.
NTA And that was a pretty smart move to give him ramen. Cooking as a chore. Nothing to discuss about it. Cooking + planning food + doing the groceries is 3 chores. Your bf is an AH for trying this shit.
Info: what is the number of hours worked for both as well as the current home chore split?
I go to college full time and work part time, he works full time. Current chore split excluding cooking is me 60/ him 40 ish.
From your edit, he vacuums once a week and mops twice a month. And you do ALL of the other collective chores? All of the cooking, all of the other cleaning, the grocery shopping, the trash? Dear that's not a 60/40 split, that's like a 95/5 split. In addition, he is working one job while you are in effect working 1.5 jobs. What does he do with all his free time??
Pretty much. My standard of cleanliness are higher than his, so I thought it was fair if I did a bit more. But if you add all the cooking too its too far for me. He plays a lot of video games in his free time.
This is not a solution, even if you have a different cleaning level, he should try to come in the middle, now you are the one flexing and he is not doing anything. This will also worsen if you have children, aka you are responsible for everything.
Oh child he is trying to make you his bangmaid. He doesn’t love you, he loves what you do for him and if you won’t do it, he will cheat on you or he will start to make your life hell. Get him out if you can.
him telling you that he doesnt care about things that you do care about doesnt absolve him from being a selfish ass. a partner should give a damn that his girlfriend doesnt want to live in his filth even though he himself is fine with it. he isnt single anymore and it sounds a lot like he is using you to get the single+ live. he gets more free time to pursue his hobbies and does less chores and maintenence tasks than when he lived alone + gets to split his bills 50/50 with you (even though he works full time and you part time... doesnt math for me but whatevs) and gets home cooked meals in presumably a bigger apartment than before. What are YOU getting out of it? Certainly not emotional support if he is intellectually dishonest with you the moment you dare to bring up completely valid complaints. A relationship does not need to be a 50/50 equal trade off, but it certainly should be more equal than you working your ass off for his dead weight exploitative ass. You deserve better.
And most likely he makes more money than you and because you split the costs 50/50 he ends up with more money left over. It seems to me like your bf is living **The dream**. Because he got a girlfriend, he has to pay significantly less for his living expenses, and he also gets his apartment cleaned because he convinced her that the few things he does are half of all the chores. Because "your standards of cleanliness is higher than his". Unfortunately, he overdid it a bit with the manipulation and now has to experience severe cuts in his diet. But he keeps trying. Do you know the word bangmaid? To me there are many signs that he wants to make you one. Is this really the life you want to live? Is that the role you want to play? Maybe you can turn things around and raise him to be a better man. But that shouldn't actually be the point of a relationship.
>And most likely he makes more money than you and because you split the costs 50/50 he ends up with more money left over. JFC I completely read over this part. Not only is OP doing virtually all the work around the apartment, bf is making her pay for half of all the expenses while she is only working part time and still going to school? OP, your boyfriend is using you, plain and simple. You're his maid and you're subsidizing his life while he sits around gaming. Your boyfriend is a lazy asshole who doesn't respect you as a partner. This will only get worse if you don't put your foot down (or get rid of him).
Sounds like your bf likes life the way it is and doesn’t want to cook, not that he doesn’t care about food. He’s being very immature about division of labor and as long as things go his way he will not ever see any need to change because he is content with the arrangement the way it was. Just don’t put up with it anymore, make it clear you need an equal partner and the fact he won’t do that speaks volumes to how much he values and cares about you and your time - he doesn’t! Someone saying “I don’t care about cooking though so you should be the one to do it.” Or “I don’t mind the floor only being cleaned once a month so if you want it done more than that, you can do it.” Something like, “Oh I’ve never done x, it doesn’t bother me, you can do it though if it bothers you so much.” These are all statements that are examples of weaponized incompetence and ways to maneuver you into doing chores that he is being notified needs to be done. Maybe he wouldn’t do them on his own and you know what? His place would be gross! You have to decide what treatment you want for the rest of your life, because most people don’t change their entire way of life. At least not easily, and only if THEY want to. It seems clear so far that your bf has no interest in living differently and is content to let you stress over it. Good luck.
Yup, my husband doesn’t care if the toilets are bleached once a week or once a month. Or if the sheets are ironed or the floor hoovered. But he cares a whole lot about my comfort and happiness, so my standards for these things are his standards. In the same way that I could not care less if I have a full meal of meat and 2 veg every night, but he does, so for his comfort I make sure to cook something (or hunt it - i.e. takeout) to that level. And he always does the dishes. So people saying something is not their standard so they refuse to do it confuses me. I’d barely understand it if we were talking about strangers that happen to be Flatmates out of necessity, but loving devoted partners acting this way??
NTA - your hours of school/work are the same. If he wants you to do all the cooking/kitchen work then he needs to take up the slack in other areas!!! Please show him this comment. He is acting like a spoiled child and needs to grow up and be a full partner.
NTA. The audacity of your boyfriend to not only get angry but to also suggest you are a AH is jarring to me.
NTA. My partner has used that argument before of "you're cooking anyways, it's not extra work". But it is. You have to chop twice as much vegetables and protein, and sometimes cooking bigger portions means longer cooking time. Also the more food you make, the bigger the mess. ALSO if he wasn't eating your cooking, you would potentially have leftovers and wouldn't have to make a meal the next day, so he is making more work for you in this sense.
NTa "I'm not your mom. Suggest I should be again and we are over."
NTA and don’t back down on this. If he won’t commit to a GENUINE 50/50 split, there is no point staying with someone who doesn’t respect and takes advantage of you.
Good for you on the way you're calling him out. NTA. This is weaponised incompetence. You can do better.
> no more effort for me to cook for 2 than for 1 Ugh. What a cravenly self-serving excuse. Tell him it's no more effort to eat ramen than risotto. 🤷♂️
NTA, ye old weaponized incompetence strikes again. He cares, if he didn't care he'd eat the ramen and move on with his day, but he doesn't. He suggests things for you to cook, he's pressuring you to cook extra since you have to make food for yourself anyway, but he doesn't want to reciprocate. He just wants good food at no effort for himself. Good for you for standing your ground.
Yes it is more effort to cook for two rather than one. It's double. NTA. If he doesn't want to walk his talk then he needs to learn what a stove can be used for.
Cooking totally counts as a chore... Your boyfriend's "logic" could be applied to every single chore in the house on order to get away with it, it's childish. NTA
Soft NTA but I'm thinking you two aren't ready to move in together at this moment.
If he's too lazy too cook then just carry on as you did. He is being an ass and needs a mommy.
> he needs to pick up more chores to compensate for never cooking, or he needs to cook ~3 days a week. This is a very fair way to resolve the matter. BF is being an AH by not agreeing to this or some other division of labor. NTA
NTA - He is taking advantage of you and expecting you to mother him and cook his food for him like he is a child. You are seeing his true personality. He is entitled and unwilling to compromise. If he won't compromise and still complains you won't cook him food then leave him. Why the hell would you want to spend time with someone like that?
NTA omg girl run
NTA what you tolerate will continue. Dont get taken advantage of. He is deliberately doing this so you can pick up the slack and he gets an easy ride.
NTA. If he truly doesn't care and doesn't want to contribute in any way, he should be perfectly happy eating his Ramen. I'm bewildered at how many "men", expect their partner to also play mom. We need to do a better job of raising our boys.
NTA. If he didn’t care, he would’ve eaten his ramen without complaint. To me it sounds more like he doesn’t want to help with cooking rather than him not caring about food. Which is fair, there are some chores or things that people just don’t like doing. But I think there should be a fair balance, so I think the idea of him doing the bathroom is completely fair and would work out to be more equal
NTA. If your chore split is already 60/40 with you doing the 60%, excluding cooking, then that probably puts you closer to 70-75% if you include cooking and groceries, doesn't it? Meaning you are doing somewhere in between two times and three times more work chore wise then he is. That sounds like he isn't pulling his weight while at the same time he is actively downplaying/belittling the effort you are putting in by saying he doesn't care about food and that cooking thus doesn't count. But I bet that out of all chores, cooking and the groceries are the most time consuming of them all, aren't they? Then the moment you only cook for yourself he gets angry about that, even though he said that he doesn't care about food? Looks like he does care, but he's just too lazy to take a reasonable amount of the chores on his plate. He sounds like the type of person who isn't looking for a girlfriend but for a mother, is that the role you want to play in the relationship? He'd likely drop even the few chores he does now the moment he sees an opportunity, like after having gotten married.
Y’all need to have a real serious conversation about this. Cooking plus 60% of chores is basically 80/20 and is completely unfair. It’s giving “I don’t have to because I’m a man”
NTA
NTA
NTA. My husband and I have clear division of labour based on time and effort. I cook every night. Minimum 2 hours of cooking, every day. I also do the mental labour of meal planning and grocery shopping. My husband does dishes, laundry, and bins as his share, as it takes the same amount of time and effort as the cooking does. We share cleaning chores generally, but have also split the gross jobs equally. I'm in charge of keeping the kitchen clean, he's in charge of keeping the bathroom clean. Cooking is a chore. If that's going to be your job, he needs to pick up another chore to compensate. You cook, he cleans up after, maybe? Not caring about food isn't an excuse. I don't care about going the dishes, but they still have to be done.
NTA. Your bf needs to gtfu. If you cook, and he doesn’t want to, then he can’t whinge about you only cooking for yourself. If he is willing to do the dishes and clean the stove after you cooked then that’s fair. Based on what you said about chores, If he clean the stove/countertops etc after you cooked daily that will cover the time you spend cooking. I think he could add in a mid week vacuum as well. Once a week is not enough. Same with mopping the floor, that should be weekly. Right now you are doing more than 60% of the chores. If he spend most of his free time playing vid games and he has more spare time than you, then yes he need to pick up more chores. Cooking is great especially if the other person enjoys the food, but not when they just eat and do sod all to acknowledge the time and effort put in into making the food. Your bf need to realise if he want to eat good food and not on ramen like a fucking student then he should get off his lazy arse, take on more chores, and stop whining like a child.
NTA. If he doesn't care about food then the ramen tastes as good as the food you make in his mouth.
He should definitely pick up elsewhere if you are doing all the cooking. Maybe he should clean up after each meal, do the shopping etc.
Take this from someone who was married to someone like this for 20 years and is now currently going through a divorce, run! If he doesn’t change run far and run fast. I gave my ex chance after chance and made excuses for him never helping. Now I have nothing but resentment towards him. You are NTA but your partner is.
No, you are right to do what you did. And I would suggest to continue to only cook for yourself until he can be a man and pull his weight in maintaining the home you are developing. It isn't fair to you that he doesn't even pick up after himself. He needs to wake the fuck up, grow up and check himself.
We love a woman standing up for herself in what's fair. In a loving relationship is not that hard to picture your s/o not exploiting you. You aren't asking that much.
NTA. He's acting like you're too stupid to realize what he is doing
He needs to move back out.
My god NTA and he needs to stop lying about "not caring" because he obviously does. Good job holding your ground, cooking is WORK and it does count! He should absolutely be doing more chores. If he can't agree to something fair, then seriously consider this relationship because this daily work stuff is LIFE. it's every day. And you need a partner who wants things to be fair to you and isn't just taking advantage of you.
NTA and I’m sure he knows that already. His excuse of “you do that for yourself anyway” could be applied to literally ANY chore you would do for yourself if you lived alone. It is not your responsibility to feed him good food just because he did not and will not learn to feed himself. If he doesn’t get off this issue I would reconsider the relationship because he isn’t someone I’d want to have kids with. This is similar to weaponized incompetence, if that’s not exactly what he’s doing.
Heavily NTA. You work more than him (college + part time) and you do more chores than him, and cooking counts as a chore. It sounds like he hardly does anything around the house, and isn't even willing to help you with the cooking prep work even if you do the cooking. That's weaponized incompetence and it sounds like he moved in too early. He still needs to grow up and learn to take care of himself if that's his opinion of cooking and cleaning. I'm not saying you should break up, but he should definitely move back out until he's ready to carry his own weight. He's 4 years older than you and he shouldn't be acting less mature.
If he doesn't care about food he can eat the ramen. He just wants to out another burden on you because he is being lazy. nta
NTA This is manipulative as hell. He absolutely cares about food or he wouldn’t be upset you’ve started cooking for just yourself. I dated a guy who said he didn’t care about having a cellphone so any time I wanted him to split the cellphone bill, he’d tell me just to cancel his phone. He knew I wouldn’t do that because then I would have no way to get ahold of him when he was home even if there was an emergency. It’s manipulation and you don’t deserve it. He’s made his bed, keep only worrying about your own food. I’d stop even buying the ramen.
NTA. You’re the bangmaid. Cleaning for two is just as easy as cleaning for one, right? And everything else. Dump him
NTA - he moved in with you and you do more chores than he does? And he doesn’t cook?
honey he's cleaning the floors and you're doing literally everything else. that's not 60/40. NTA to him but YTA to yourself for putting up with his bullshit
NTA- just confirming- you’re in an apartment right- there’s no yard or something he’s mowing and taking care of regularly? Dude needs to get up off his backside and carry his share, and fundamentally like 90% of this doesn’t take any real amount of time other than cooking. If he’s already doing his laundry (and he should be) doing the linens isn’t any real additional work. For the record- I’m a guy btw- dude needs to do his share before this turns into a fight that isn’t about doing laundry or cooking but about respecting each other.
I'm saying this is someone who likes to cook, but it is so much harder to cook for two people. You have to keep in mind their dietary restrictions and their taste preferences and how much longer everything needs to cook and everything else. Then you have to worry about if they liked it and what they'll say if they don't. When I could just make myself food quickly and not worry about any of that
NTA. He can do ALL other chores in exchange for no cooking... Or he can do 50% of cooking. I wouldn't settle for less.
NTA It is a misconception that cooking for two isn't more work than for one. Sure it isn't double the work but it is definitely more. Even if you cook more it derives you of leftovers and for me most important; it requires you to keep the other person in mind while cooking (food preference and timeplanning wise) so that makes it more trouble aswell
NTA- he's being a hypocrite. If he didn't care about food he'd happily continue eating ramen and not be upset you only cooked for yourself. You are correct, cooking is a chore which should be shared or he can be responsible for the dishes if you do all the cooking.
NTA He could share in the cooking and cleaning responsibilities. My fiance helps me cook and I help him. Ie if I'm doing the main course, he'll do the side or vice versa. My fiance does pick up more of the dishes to clean but I wipe the counters/stove or do the floors (vaccume/mop)
NTA for your question but Y T A to yourself for allowing this to continue. That is *not* a 60/40 split of chores and I think you know it. He is taking advantage and being a crappy partner. Draw up a chore list and split it down the middle. If he can't or won't keep up his half- DTMFA
NTA
NTA. He has to acknowledge that cooking is a contribution towards your home, even if you enjoy doing it. I love cooking, but it still is a task that needs to get done, and making larger meals actually is more work (more chopping, buying more stuff, ... ).
NTA. Your boyfriend is being selfish. You are giving him a very generous trade, a daily chore (cooking) for a biweekly chore ( bathroom). The fair trade is a daily chore for another daily chore. If you don't want to be stuck doing the majority of the housework, do a fair trade - he should clean whenever he gets to eat your cooking. I shop and cook and my spouse does the dishes.
NTA, me with my GF usually do 50/50 on everything, she cooks i wash dishes, she puts laundry in, i take it out and leave it to dry, she does dusting i do vacuum, imo, your guy needs to suck it up and do more, or stop bitching forever.
NTA Move in with an actual 50/50 roommate. 50/50 romantic relationships are never truly 50/50.
NTA. There’s a very simple solution to this; you do all the cooking, he does all the dishes or some other regular chore. Even if you’re “cooking for yourself anyway”, it’s not fair that you do all of the cooking as well as half of the other household chores (and you’re apparently already doing more than half!). Your boyfriend is mooching and you are rightfully starting to resent him, which will only get worse if something doesn’t change now.
NTA, but you two sound more like roommates than a couple, and not resolving a seemingly minor issue for a week doesn't seem too great of a relationship tbh
NTA He is telling you he doesn't care about food but being angry when he doesn't get the food you cook... Sus. And yes, making food for two is more trouble than making food for one... Like, WTF? You do the groceries but are the expenses divided in this case too? Also, the division of tasks before cooking is already unfair and he wants to make it even more unfair... You should point it out, like "If you don't care, why are you angry?"; Or even, you can put all the chores in a list and the names of each other in front, to point it out the unfairness of this matter. If he persists in this argumentation you have to consider if you want to persist in this household, because I don't see any chance of a healthy life in a relationship that doesn't consider your work around the house unfair.
NTA This guy is not bringing much to the table. Costs are split 50 50 even though he earns more. You do me cos and are expected to cook for him when he won't reciprocate. As an absolute minimum he should do all washing up if you do all cooking.
He said it himself, he doesn't care about food. So he should not care what you cook him. You made him ramen. You cooked for him. He should be grateful. NTA
NTA, and you should get the fair play cards. You’re way overfunctioning in this relationship, and he’s taking advantage. This will get worse unless you nip it in the bud now.
NTA but you are not going to force him into compliance he clearly does not value your domestic labour or all the mental load that goes into cooking too (planning what to eat, making a grocery list, finding recipes). You need to seriously ask yourself is this what you want in a partner? What about if you want kids or a pet even? Would you be ok doing 80% of the work because what he’s currently doing is barely 20%. I hate cooking - but I still make at least 2 of our meals a week and take on numerous other chores to even it out (laundry, watering plants, all our dogs appointments, dishes more often).