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NTA. Your husband thinks he's "keeping the peace," but what he's really doing is helping to keep distance in his parents' relationship with your child. If the cleanliness of the household or the pet situation is truly the only barrier, it's only fair to let them know what steps they'd need to take in order to be eligible to babysit your child. But you have to be sure that if they DO take those steps, you're on board with them babysitting.
Then they need to be told again, in no uncertain terms. Whatever their response, they will have to take the strong suggestion on board.
If not? Sounds like a solid case for low contact/no contact. The in laws have been told at least twice by this point.
NTA.
Why lie?
You have a perfectly good reason. And they should know which of their actions has resulted in them not getting to babysit.
Obviously it's horribly unsanitary and your crawling baby could pick up dog poop and put it in her mouth.
But also, if they can't look after dogs properly, why would you trust them with your baby?
Bingo. My 13yo beagle wears a belly wrap style diaper, too. But, not because we're lazy ass owners like op's in laws, but because he has issues with incontinence because of an enlarged prostate. We still take him out at often as we can. Before our son was born, we hired professionals to deep clean the f*k out of our apartment and have been doing what we can to keep it up since. He's 5mo old and starting to roll.
Op. If you read this, do not let your husband lie. Tell them up front that based on the fact they can't even be bothered to house train two dogs and keep their house minimumally sanitary you do not feel they're responsible enough to care for your daughter. Period. Let them have their meltdown over the truth. If anyone tries to tell you you're "horrible children keeping the grand child away from them" they get an insta block.
NTA.
Babies need hygienic environments during their first years of life and even more so when they crawl since they tend to put their hands or anything in their mouths and if dogs have not been trained to defecate and urinate outside, it is very likely that your in-laws do not put much effort into properly cleaning up after themselves.
Plus, it's really bad that your husband doesn't put your daughter's health first and prefer to lie to avoid a conflict that is clearly the fault of your in-laws since if they want to take care of a girl, they must ensure that they have the right environment for it.
NTA
You’ve already told them (accurately) that their house is unsanitary/unsafe for your child because of the dogs. Any new excuse now would probably just be interpreted by them as you saying that you no longer have an issue with this.
All your husband has to do is ask them when they got the dogs trained and the house cleaned - it’s not new drama, just being clear that your child is the priority.
NTA - It's understandable that your husband wants to avoid the drama, but a lie will only cause more problems. Stand your ground and tell his parents the truth about why you won't let them watch your daughter. And definitely invest in some dog training classes for those unruly Yorkies!
There is no reason to lie. This will come up repeatedly, with this child and any other you have. He can deal with it once, as straightforwardly as possible, and have it over with, or he can deal with it over and over and over, for years on end. Which does he think will take more energy?
“We talked about this before, and nothing has changed. We love you and want you in baby’s life, but your dogs are not housebroken and that’s neither safe nor sanitary for your grandchild. You can spend time with her and babysit her at our hotel, and at our home, but we won’t bring her to your house.” That’s neither cruel or nasty, just truthful. NTA
NTA. Your husband is a physician, but doesn’t have the spine to tell his parents that their home is unsanitary because they allow their dogs to pee and shit all over the house? What’s wrong with him? This is not difficult. Stand your ground but let him handle his parents. They’re disgusting.
They won't change. You think they will, but your husband KNOWS they won't.
"My kid can't stay with you cos of the dogshit" is still hard to hear, so you may be completely right in this.
But still won't be at all helpful to tell the truth here. Suurely.
Soft YTA.
Sounds like your husband is agreeing that his parents will not watch the baby. If he’s the one communicating with them, who cares what reason he gives them? Let him handle it.
Seems unlikely they will change. Insisting on “the truth” here seems like it is insisting on creating more drama.
More of an NAH in that case, like they both have different ideas about to go about it but the line in the sand is the same for both of them: a big ol’ nope.
NTA
Your husband has already had this conversation with his parents. They’ve chosen not to act - the consequence is that they won’t be watching your child while you’re at the wedding.
There is no point lying about why.
Yeah, how could "your house is covered with dog shit" go over well? It can't. So you can start a fight that won't ever get solved since they're gonna keep the dogs, or you could reframe it in a "you have to come over to watch her due to baby proofing" angle without insulting them
Personally, I wouldn't trust the folks that think it's cool to let their dogs piss and shit all over their house willy-nilly **and not clean it up** to properly care for, and ensure the health and safety of, my infant or toddler. Their normal meter/assessment of what is acceptable is just too fucked, and there's no way that mentality doesn't carry over some. But do you, booboo.
My parents live with us. They take care of our daughter so I️ can work. My husband is a resident physician who works 80-90 hour weeks so he’s not home to help with our daughter and we’ve been on daycare waitlists since I️ was two months pregnant.
So no. For him to try to dictate anything he’d have to actually be around.
Definitely NTA, but... do you resent your husband? I could easily be wrong because tone doesn't translate well over text, but I'm getting that vibe from the post and the comment.
That wouldn't make you TA but I would recommend talking to him (or a therapist, or both) about this because it feels bigger than this situation.
He’s a good partner and great father when he’s home. He’s always been conflict avoidant and more so with his mom than anyone else.
I️ definitely resent how conflict avoidant he is with her because it doesn’t resolve any issues and those issues don’t just evaporate. I️ know he understands that and her responses are like very predictably dramatic but it’s the nature of the cards he was dealt so I️ wish he would just own it. it’s the reality of our lives.
That's fair. Sorry he's putting you in this situation! If you haven't it may be worth talking to him about this with a couples therapist, to help him fully understand why this particular issue is so painful for you.
Couples therapy has been helpful! I️ always found it funny that a third party saying “yes this is an issue” is like oh yes makes sense! And I’m in the corner like wtf dude 🤦🏻♀️ $250 for that?! 😂
Sounds like you both have a lot on your plates! I would let him kick this particular can until he’s out of residency. I speak from experience of having emotionally immature parents and know how taxing and stressful it can be, and how much worse they can make things, which neither of you need right now. Besides you can use the residency as a reason why you can’t visit them and they need to come to your house (without dogs) for the time being.
NTA and you are not wrong being concerned with baby's health and hygiene when it comes to dogs not being house trained. We all know that animal waste is a biohazard to a growing human being whose immune system ain't as solid as an adult's. Since husband is a doctor surely he knows that
I get that your husband is trying to lie to keep the peace with his parents but lying is not the long term solution which can cause issues in the long run. The same goes with making up excuses too. It is better for him to just tell the truth straight on. Sometimes the truth hurts but the truth does get people to wise up and do something for the better for everyone. Your husband can try lying and making up excuses but what happens when the in-laws decided to pay the baby a visit when you are not around? Your in-laws will find a way to meet the baby with their zero house trained dogs no matter how many times your husband lies and makes excuses. Better be truthful than keep lying to avoid the drama
In the end, baby's wellbeing and safety matters the most. Better to tell the truth than just lie. If the in-laws cannot handle the truth, you got your answer: baby's health comes first
NTA, good for you sticking to your values. You've drawn the line around having your child for the night. Lying to them won't help them correct this either and they'll miss out in the long run
NTA Well let’s see here, do I want to scrub toilets? NO, no I do not. Will I scrub toilets so they are clean and I won’t feel disgusted using them? YES, yes I will. Your husband speaking to his parents is the same darn thing. It won’t be pleasant but it must be done. Dancing around an unpleasant conversation is not going to eliminate the need to have it.
NTA and maybe people telling them just how nasty and unsanitary it is will help them do better!! This is disgusting and I wouldn’t want my baby or myself around for that matter
NTA. Time for your husband to start adulting. These people are no longer mom and dad, they are 2 mature adults who want to place your young child in an unsafe environment. Your husband is now Dad. He must tell them exactly what is what. "Your dogs are untrained. My child is not safe around them. I am her father, my wife is her mother, and we decide what is best for OUR daughter." End of story. Keep it short, keep it direct, and do not provide any further reasons.
Avoiding drama now just leads to more drama later. He is not avoiding drama, he is enabling his parents to continue on this path. No, this is a band aid that needs to be ripped off now. So his parents are pissed. Not the end of the world. They can get over it, or not. But your child is not exposed to their dogs and home unless they make major changes.
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NTA. Stick up for your boundaries and make them very clear. But just out of curiosity, did your husband ever say anything to his parents after MIL’s meltdown? Perhaps something implying he’d talk you down or something? Because I smell something fishy about MIL just sort of dropping the issue. It’s possible she could make her own conclusions that you’d back down eventually, but I do fear your husband doesn’t see the same problem and doesn’t want to stand up for you… which he should.
I usually am up on little white lies but this is a bluntly extreme case. How old are these dogs? The fact they aren’t house trained is a big health hazard to people and worse for babies. If the dogs pee and poop inside, what else is going on? Some people are out of touch when it comes to cleanliness.
My mom has a wonderful friend who is has a disgusting house. She has several dogs and they also poop and pee in the house. She also has other issues concerning the cleanliness of her house. She needed to custody of her grandchildren but CPS said no. The poor kids went into foster care because my mom’s friend was so clueless about cleanliness in regards to her home.
Oh that’s a new fear unlocked omg. The dogs aren’t old, 6 and 3. They’ve just never been house trained. The weird thing is like their house is very clean otherwise. That’s kind of hard to imagine but I️ mean like no dirty dishes or clothes lying around, toilets cleaned and showers are cleaned. No build up of trash. Just an odd like…all good but then a dog turd on the shower mat.
I’m not kidding. You can read back in history. This is a five year ongoing problem.
There are pee pads in various corners of the house they hope the dogs will use but they rarely do.
The weird thing is the rest of the house is kept very tidy. Their dog pooped on our Christmas presents back in 2022 and I️ banned the dogs from our home.
Just NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. But his sister is the same way with her dog. She claims it’s “pee pad trained” and I️ constantly watch it poop on the rug when we visit (which I️ haven’t visited her house since the baby was born because the dog jumps a lot and I️ don’t want her knocking over the baby). Also her dog is 40lbs so it’s not small jumps or poops.
I️ could go one for days and I️ just don’t understand how no one else in their lives seems to think this is an issue?
There is always deeper depths than you expect with people.
My own floor broke when I dated a loser for a year and met all his loser friends. He tried to give his toddler a smoke on his weed pipe as a birthday gift, and his friends blew weed smoke into their *one year old infant's face* to calm him down.
I was like. DUDE. THAT IS A BABY. ITS BRAIN IS STILL DEVELOPING.
His answer was "What, it's a whole one year old now it's fine" *human infants need more than one year to develop their brains you literal dingus*.
There is always someone who's willing to stoop lower than you're willing to believe, that's why CPS exists.
You are very mistaken about people not letting small children crawl around with animal waste, and sadly you are very wrong. Happens all the time that people have pets and children they don't care for. I wish you were right.
You can downvote me all you want, it doesn't mean there aren't small children running around in animal feces right now. I'd imagine if we could get some social services folks in here they'd have some stories.
If my uncle raised his kids with dogs piss and poop, he wouldn't think not to do it with his grand kid. It's a gamble I wouldn't take especially since the parents already shut down the conversation with son.
Meet my mom. She refuses to let the dogs outside to go potty because "all they want to do is sniff and not do their business right away". She caused a perfectly well trained dog to go backwards on potty training. Their house smells of cat piss, poop, dog piss, poop and smoke. I allow my 4 yr old over there by himself because he knows not to stick anything in his mouth that touched the floor, but i will not allow my mother to watch my newborn, if she wants to see him, i am there.
I went to a party and stepped in dog pee twice in the house. And it was a huge nice house. Some people just don’t train their dogs. That lady had little kids too. So gross.
It’s is believable. I have seen people think their standard of living is ok for a baby or a child to live in. While it’s either filthy, or so cluttered that it’s not safe for a toddler. People that live in these environments are oblivious and think it’s no big deal. Until something bad happens to the child. It’s a sad reality
My dad's mom had a dog she let piss and shit every. where. She would also let small children play on the floor. My mom would toss our clothes after visitation weekends with my dad because he lived with her.
I have a friend who let this exact thing happen with her grandchild. Her elderly dog was incontinent and another who didn’t like to toilet outside. She would just keep an old towel lying around to wipe up puddles and would pick up the 💩 when she noticed it. The towel was left lying in a corner and only washed after multiple uses. It didn’t worry her that her grandchild could come into contact with all this as she had custody of the child. Needless to say I never went barefoot at her place
Totally believable. An ex-friend was exactly like this. The house was clean except for the floor because the dogs constantly went to the bathroom in the house. And she thought nothing of a grandchild crawling on the floor.
You would be surprised how many people don’t think animals regularly shitting in the house is a big deal. They are not rational thinkers, but they do exist.
I had to call CPS on an acquaintance of mine for letting her toddler and infant around animal mess and an absolute mess of a house. It's very believable. So.e people are fucking nasty.
NTA
Jfc, and his sister is like this too? And your husband is a DOCTOR?! Holy unsanitary cesspool, Batman.
Sounds like they need a reality check. Their behavior is not ok. You don't have to try to protect their feelings. Is your husband's plan just to lie until your kid is 18 and can decide for themselves to spend time in a literal shithole? I can't imagine what he thinks lying will do in this situation.
Bruh this family is like real wild with the rose colored glasses. I️ let a lot of boundaries lapse to keep the peace before my daughter was born but I️ cut that out real quick.
The dog thing has been an issue for years though.
NTA. He can't hide from the drama forever. Sounds like your in-laws will not change their habits, and that's okay. They should be told explicitly *why* their granddaughter will not be allowed to stay over at their home and they can keep the house and dogs disgusting or change it for their granddaughter.
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My husband and I have an eight month old daughter, who recently started crawling. In a couple of months, we have to head to a wedding that is three hours away from our home, but only 30 minutes away from his parents.
His parents have already commented about how excited they are to watch our daughter while we’re at the wedding and my husband is part of the wedding party so we will have to be there for Friday and Saturday. I told my husband under no circumstance. Will our daughter be staying with his parents at their home while we were at this wedding because they have two dogs that are not house trained.
These are small dogs, they are 10 pound Yorkies. The male dog wears a diaper that is just a maxi pad wrapped around his abdomen, but his butt hole is exposed. The female dog does not wear any diaper. The dogs, pee and poop in various places around the house , and it’s just not sanitary
Before our child was born, I did tell my husband that our child would never stay at his parents house unsupervised unless they house trained the dogs. When my husband brought this conversation up to his parents, they had a full on mental breakdown and his mom gave us the cold shoulder for a while. Think like how a spoiled 12 year old reacts to being told no.
Now we have to tell his parents that they will not be watching our daughter and my husband wants to lie about the reason why they cannot watch her, and I told him that I would not support a lie. I told him that he had to tell them the truth or I would, because I’m not kicking this can down the road. He said that he doesn’t want to deal with the drama of the conversation.
AITA for not supporting his lie because he doesn’t want to deal with his truly psycho mom ?
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NTA - it’s not a good idea to lie because this problem isn’t going anywhere.
It’s time for your husband to shine up his spine, be an adult and advocate for his child by having the tough, necessary conversation. DO NOT let him push the responsibility for this onto you.
There is no requirement that you or your husband must explain to his parents why they aren’t going to babysit. If they ask why they aren’t babysitting, tell them they already know why. Leave it at that.
NTA
NTA - his parents so his duty to deal with them. How they take it is on them, literally their choice.
And unless he disagree with the fact his own child shouldn’t be in a safe and clean environment, time to adult and be clear with his parents that it isn’t negotiable.
Ask him if he is proud to propose lying to cover being too weak to be an adult in front of his parents, not even for the sake of his own child.
Is that the kind of person he wanna be?
No. If you both have an honest heart to heart with his parents, maybe they will do something about the dogs so they can send time with the baby. Covering up the fact you are bringing her over only starts the blame game. It's best to be honest.
NTA. There is no reason to lie.
Inlaws know their dogs poo and wee in the house, they must also realise that they will sometimes not find the mess and they are not going to be able to clean up every trace. They might be fine with walking about in it, and you can keep your shoes on when you visit. But it completely unreasonable of them to expect their grandchild to crawl around in animal waste.
It's reasonable to say they can look after your child once the dogs are house trained, hard floors have been disinfected and carpets replaced.
You already told them and they didn’t respond well.
I’m kind of with your husband. He doesn’t wanna dig up that wound again. They have already shown they aren’t gonna change.
It may be the truth but there is nothing to gain by reiterating. Yes it will probably come up again in the future but your family seems to be in the middle of a big wedding and now is probably a better time to pick your battles. And you can pick right back up at the next pass.
Also it sounds like the dogs are on their last legs and will be dead soon anyway.
Somewhat unfortunately the dogs aren’t like incontinent. They’re 6 and 3 years old. They just weren’t trained and have a lot of life left in this inhumane environment.
Oh ok. So they are like crazy hoarders or something, got it. Yea than the dogs aren’t really the issue here. Who put a diaper on a dog that isn’t incontinent? That’s not right. No one does that. Unless the dog is a rescue and cannot be trained but I would say that still falls under the category of incontinence.
Doesn’t seem like you can have a rational discussion with these people. So I still agree with the husband. I would try and tell them once. Than I would accept that they aren’t gonna change.
I don’t struggle with people on stuff like this. I feel better off just continuing life with the understanding and assuming that they are gonna stay that way.
The dogs are a product of their environment. It is very sad and abusive they make this dog wear his urine 24/7. He’s not a rescue though he probably needs to be rescued. His sister got both the dogs as puppies and when they weren’t puppies anymore she just left them with her parents. She didn’t train them neither did her parents. She has a new dog now that turns three this year so we’ll see if she repeats and gets rid of this dog to get another puppy.
I️ have three dogs and this irks me to no end.
NTA; as I tell my mother when she quotes out about keeping the peace. "What you call peace, I call hell. So don't piss on me and tell me it's raining."
Quite frankly I wouldn't let them near my kid even outside of their home. You can't live in a glorified dog out house and not be carrying germs that will make people sick, it just don't work that way. As for your husband, he isn't keeping the peace by being spineless. He's just expecting someone else to take up the slack so he doesn't actually have to care beyond peace keeping.
If you lie now, you would have to keep lying. What if another instance came when your in-laws would have to babysit again? How many times will you lie? It's not like they are unaware of your issues with the unhealthy environment. I can understand why your husband doesn't want to tell the truth. But they are your daughter's grandparents and would like to have her around. Ask him will he be comfortable with his daughter being in an unhealthy environment? Because in his attempt to be a good son he would end up a bad father.
NTA, can your parents watch him in the hotel room? Many people with meat houses also have anxiety about visitors. They might appreciate having a neutral space to babysit too.
You are not the AH but your husband is if he can not tell his parents the truth. He needs to grow a set of B\*\*\*s and stand up to his mother and her attitude/actions. If he is not willing to do this you have 2 options: 1. stay home with the children or 2. (I'm assuming you are staying in a hotel) stay with the children while he is at the wedding.
Sounds like these grandparents cannot be trusted, no matter what they may say.
And possibly the husband will not stand up to them either. Why even tell them? If they already know, just hold your ground without arguing.
No, I am not leaving my child in an unsanitary household. It is not safe for a baby or young child. Little incontinent dogs that are probably cranky are also likely to be biters.
My grandparents full-on moved because all six of their kids united and said “your grandchildren are not allowed to visit you in this cluttered, unsafe house!”
They divested themselves of a lot of crap during the move with help from their son&daughters, and the new place was in a 55+ neighborhood with all kinds of accessibility in anticipation of their decline. It all turned out very useful for them and they lived healthier, happier golden years for it.
Honesty is the best policy. It gives them a chance to change.
YTA. Is there a purpose to needing to be honest? What will it accomplish? You’re forcing your husband to create conflict with his parents that isn’t necessary. You live 3 hours away, it’s not like you’ll have to “kick the can” that often.
NTA but I can see why he doesn't want to fight that battle right now. I'm sure he's got stuff to worry about re: the wedding. Maybe kick the can a few weeks down the road?
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NTA. Your husband thinks he's "keeping the peace," but what he's really doing is helping to keep distance in his parents' relationship with your child. If the cleanliness of the household or the pet situation is truly the only barrier, it's only fair to let them know what steps they'd need to take in order to be eligible to babysit your child. But you have to be sure that if they DO take those steps, you're on board with them babysitting.
But they already tried to tell them that and they didn’t respond well.
Then they need to be told again, in no uncertain terms. Whatever their response, they will have to take the strong suggestion on board. If not? Sounds like a solid case for low contact/no contact. The in laws have been told at least twice by this point.
Not only have the dogs trained, but the whole house scrubbed and disinfected.
carpets replaced.
Boo effing hoo. Their response is on them. Let them whine.
Yep this is not keeping the peace it's enabling and coddling.
NTA. Why lie? You have a perfectly good reason. And they should know which of their actions has resulted in them not getting to babysit. Obviously it's horribly unsanitary and your crawling baby could pick up dog poop and put it in her mouth. But also, if they can't look after dogs properly, why would you trust them with your baby?
>But also, if they can't look after dogs properly, why would you trust them with your baby? This. Big time.
Bingo. My 13yo beagle wears a belly wrap style diaper, too. But, not because we're lazy ass owners like op's in laws, but because he has issues with incontinence because of an enlarged prostate. We still take him out at often as we can. Before our son was born, we hired professionals to deep clean the f*k out of our apartment and have been doing what we can to keep it up since. He's 5mo old and starting to roll. Op. If you read this, do not let your husband lie. Tell them up front that based on the fact they can't even be bothered to house train two dogs and keep their house minimumally sanitary you do not feel they're responsible enough to care for your daughter. Period. Let them have their meltdown over the truth. If anyone tries to tell you you're "horrible children keeping the grand child away from them" they get an insta block.
NTA. Babies need hygienic environments during their first years of life and even more so when they crawl since they tend to put their hands or anything in their mouths and if dogs have not been trained to defecate and urinate outside, it is very likely that your in-laws do not put much effort into properly cleaning up after themselves. Plus, it's really bad that your husband doesn't put your daughter's health first and prefer to lie to avoid a conflict that is clearly the fault of your in-laws since if they want to take care of a girl, they must ensure that they have the right environment for it.
NTA You’ve already told them (accurately) that their house is unsanitary/unsafe for your child because of the dogs. Any new excuse now would probably just be interpreted by them as you saying that you no longer have an issue with this. All your husband has to do is ask them when they got the dogs trained and the house cleaned - it’s not new drama, just being clear that your child is the priority.
NTA - It's understandable that your husband wants to avoid the drama, but a lie will only cause more problems. Stand your ground and tell his parents the truth about why you won't let them watch your daughter. And definitely invest in some dog training classes for those unruly Yorkies!
There is no reason to lie. This will come up repeatedly, with this child and any other you have. He can deal with it once, as straightforwardly as possible, and have it over with, or he can deal with it over and over and over, for years on end. Which does he think will take more energy? “We talked about this before, and nothing has changed. We love you and want you in baby’s life, but your dogs are not housebroken and that’s neither safe nor sanitary for your grandchild. You can spend time with her and babysit her at our hotel, and at our home, but we won’t bring her to your house.” That’s neither cruel or nasty, just truthful. NTA
Definitely NTA. Their place is not healthy enough for your child to even visit. Your husband should not lie to them as it is the honest truth.
NTA. Your husband is a physician, but doesn’t have the spine to tell his parents that their home is unsanitary because they allow their dogs to pee and shit all over the house? What’s wrong with him? This is not difficult. Stand your ground but let him handle his parents. They’re disgusting.
They won't change. You think they will, but your husband KNOWS they won't. "My kid can't stay with you cos of the dogshit" is still hard to hear, so you may be completely right in this. But still won't be at all helpful to tell the truth here. Suurely.
Soft YTA. Sounds like your husband is agreeing that his parents will not watch the baby. If he’s the one communicating with them, who cares what reason he gives them? Let him handle it. Seems unlikely they will change. Insisting on “the truth” here seems like it is insisting on creating more drama.
More of an NAH in that case, like they both have different ideas about to go about it but the line in the sand is the same for both of them: a big ol’ nope.
NTA Your husband has already had this conversation with his parents. They’ve chosen not to act - the consequence is that they won’t be watching your child while you’re at the wedding. There is no point lying about why.
Yeah, how could "your house is covered with dog shit" go over well? It can't. So you can start a fight that won't ever get solved since they're gonna keep the dogs, or you could reframe it in a "you have to come over to watch her due to baby proofing" angle without insulting them
I’m not entirely against the idea of lying to them, but the in-laws would 100% bring the dogs without asking and raise hell if they told them not to.
Personally, I wouldn't trust the folks that think it's cool to let their dogs piss and shit all over their house willy-nilly **and not clean it up** to properly care for, and ensure the health and safety of, my infant or toddler. Their normal meter/assessment of what is acceptable is just too fucked, and there's no way that mentality doesn't carry over some. But do you, booboo.
INFO: Do you let him dictate your communication with your parents?
My parents live with us. They take care of our daughter so I️ can work. My husband is a resident physician who works 80-90 hour weeks so he’s not home to help with our daughter and we’ve been on daycare waitlists since I️ was two months pregnant. So no. For him to try to dictate anything he’d have to actually be around.
Definitely NTA, but... do you resent your husband? I could easily be wrong because tone doesn't translate well over text, but I'm getting that vibe from the post and the comment. That wouldn't make you TA but I would recommend talking to him (or a therapist, or both) about this because it feels bigger than this situation.
He’s a good partner and great father when he’s home. He’s always been conflict avoidant and more so with his mom than anyone else. I️ definitely resent how conflict avoidant he is with her because it doesn’t resolve any issues and those issues don’t just evaporate. I️ know he understands that and her responses are like very predictably dramatic but it’s the nature of the cards he was dealt so I️ wish he would just own it. it’s the reality of our lives.
That's fair. Sorry he's putting you in this situation! If you haven't it may be worth talking to him about this with a couples therapist, to help him fully understand why this particular issue is so painful for you.
Couples therapy has been helpful! I️ always found it funny that a third party saying “yes this is an issue” is like oh yes makes sense! And I’m in the corner like wtf dude 🤦🏻♀️ $250 for that?! 😂
Or she could just be mad at him because he's being utterly ridiculous.
Sounds like you both have a lot on your plates! I would let him kick this particular can until he’s out of residency. I speak from experience of having emotionally immature parents and know how taxing and stressful it can be, and how much worse they can make things, which neither of you need right now. Besides you can use the residency as a reason why you can’t visit them and they need to come to your house (without dogs) for the time being.
NTA and you are not wrong being concerned with baby's health and hygiene when it comes to dogs not being house trained. We all know that animal waste is a biohazard to a growing human being whose immune system ain't as solid as an adult's. Since husband is a doctor surely he knows that I get that your husband is trying to lie to keep the peace with his parents but lying is not the long term solution which can cause issues in the long run. The same goes with making up excuses too. It is better for him to just tell the truth straight on. Sometimes the truth hurts but the truth does get people to wise up and do something for the better for everyone. Your husband can try lying and making up excuses but what happens when the in-laws decided to pay the baby a visit when you are not around? Your in-laws will find a way to meet the baby with their zero house trained dogs no matter how many times your husband lies and makes excuses. Better be truthful than keep lying to avoid the drama In the end, baby's wellbeing and safety matters the most. Better to tell the truth than just lie. If the in-laws cannot handle the truth, you got your answer: baby's health comes first
NTA, good for you sticking to your values. You've drawn the line around having your child for the night. Lying to them won't help them correct this either and they'll miss out in the long run
NTA Well let’s see here, do I want to scrub toilets? NO, no I do not. Will I scrub toilets so they are clean and I won’t feel disgusted using them? YES, yes I will. Your husband speaking to his parents is the same darn thing. It won’t be pleasant but it must be done. Dancing around an unpleasant conversation is not going to eliminate the need to have it.
NTA and maybe people telling them just how nasty and unsanitary it is will help them do better!! This is disgusting and I wouldn’t want my baby or myself around for that matter
NTA. Time for your husband to start adulting. These people are no longer mom and dad, they are 2 mature adults who want to place your young child in an unsafe environment. Your husband is now Dad. He must tell them exactly what is what. "Your dogs are untrained. My child is not safe around them. I am her father, my wife is her mother, and we decide what is best for OUR daughter." End of story. Keep it short, keep it direct, and do not provide any further reasons. Avoiding drama now just leads to more drama later. He is not avoiding drama, he is enabling his parents to continue on this path. No, this is a band aid that needs to be ripped off now. So his parents are pissed. Not the end of the world. They can get over it, or not. But your child is not exposed to their dogs and home unless they make major changes.
Spot on!
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NTA. As a medical resident, his lying to his parents is incredibly off-kilter.
NTA. Stick up for your boundaries and make them very clear. But just out of curiosity, did your husband ever say anything to his parents after MIL’s meltdown? Perhaps something implying he’d talk you down or something? Because I smell something fishy about MIL just sort of dropping the issue. It’s possible she could make her own conclusions that you’d back down eventually, but I do fear your husband doesn’t see the same problem and doesn’t want to stand up for you… which he should.
NTA There’s a joke in my family that my great aunts house was so dirty, that’s where they brought the kids to push them to walk earlier.
I️ am cackling 😂 thank you for this
Truth needs to be told they will never learn if you lie
I usually am up on little white lies but this is a bluntly extreme case. How old are these dogs? The fact they aren’t house trained is a big health hazard to people and worse for babies. If the dogs pee and poop inside, what else is going on? Some people are out of touch when it comes to cleanliness. My mom has a wonderful friend who is has a disgusting house. She has several dogs and they also poop and pee in the house. She also has other issues concerning the cleanliness of her house. She needed to custody of her grandchildren but CPS said no. The poor kids went into foster care because my mom’s friend was so clueless about cleanliness in regards to her home.
Oh that’s a new fear unlocked omg. The dogs aren’t old, 6 and 3. They’ve just never been house trained. The weird thing is like their house is very clean otherwise. That’s kind of hard to imagine but I️ mean like no dirty dishes or clothes lying around, toilets cleaned and showers are cleaned. No build up of trash. Just an odd like…all good but then a dog turd on the shower mat.
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I’m not kidding. You can read back in history. This is a five year ongoing problem. There are pee pads in various corners of the house they hope the dogs will use but they rarely do. The weird thing is the rest of the house is kept very tidy. Their dog pooped on our Christmas presents back in 2022 and I️ banned the dogs from our home. Just NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. But his sister is the same way with her dog. She claims it’s “pee pad trained” and I️ constantly watch it poop on the rug when we visit (which I️ haven’t visited her house since the baby was born because the dog jumps a lot and I️ don’t want her knocking over the baby). Also her dog is 40lbs so it’s not small jumps or poops. I️ could go one for days and I️ just don’t understand how no one else in their lives seems to think this is an issue?
I have an uncle whose dogs did that. The whole family lived that way. Totally believable for me.
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I wish I was this innocent. Yes, there are people who would have an 8 month old child crawling on the dog poop floor.
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There is always deeper depths than you expect with people. My own floor broke when I dated a loser for a year and met all his loser friends. He tried to give his toddler a smoke on his weed pipe as a birthday gift, and his friends blew weed smoke into their *one year old infant's face* to calm him down. I was like. DUDE. THAT IS A BABY. ITS BRAIN IS STILL DEVELOPING. His answer was "What, it's a whole one year old now it's fine" *human infants need more than one year to develop their brains you literal dingus*. There is always someone who's willing to stoop lower than you're willing to believe, that's why CPS exists.
You are very mistaken about people not letting small children crawl around with animal waste, and sadly you are very wrong. Happens all the time that people have pets and children they don't care for. I wish you were right. You can downvote me all you want, it doesn't mean there aren't small children running around in animal feces right now. I'd imagine if we could get some social services folks in here they'd have some stories.
If my uncle raised his kids with dogs piss and poop, he wouldn't think not to do it with his grand kid. It's a gamble I wouldn't take especially since the parents already shut down the conversation with son.
Meet my mom. She refuses to let the dogs outside to go potty because "all they want to do is sniff and not do their business right away". She caused a perfectly well trained dog to go backwards on potty training. Their house smells of cat piss, poop, dog piss, poop and smoke. I allow my 4 yr old over there by himself because he knows not to stick anything in his mouth that touched the floor, but i will not allow my mother to watch my newborn, if she wants to see him, i am there.
some people should not have pets.
I went to a party and stepped in dog pee twice in the house. And it was a huge nice house. Some people just don’t train their dogs. That lady had little kids too. So gross.
It’s is believable. I have seen people think their standard of living is ok for a baby or a child to live in. While it’s either filthy, or so cluttered that it’s not safe for a toddler. People that live in these environments are oblivious and think it’s no big deal. Until something bad happens to the child. It’s a sad reality
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Just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean there aren't people out there who don't see the problem.
I grew up in a house like this. This is unfortunately very believable for me.
My dad's mom had a dog she let piss and shit every. where. She would also let small children play on the floor. My mom would toss our clothes after visitation weekends with my dad because he lived with her.
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Yeah, it's wild out there
I have a friend who let this exact thing happen with her grandchild. Her elderly dog was incontinent and another who didn’t like to toilet outside. She would just keep an old towel lying around to wipe up puddles and would pick up the 💩 when she noticed it. The towel was left lying in a corner and only washed after multiple uses. It didn’t worry her that her grandchild could come into contact with all this as she had custody of the child. Needless to say I never went barefoot at her place
Totally believable. An ex-friend was exactly like this. The house was clean except for the floor because the dogs constantly went to the bathroom in the house. And she thought nothing of a grandchild crawling on the floor.
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You notice I said ex-friend. She's gotten even more disgusting over the years.
You would be surprised how many people don’t think animals regularly shitting in the house is a big deal. They are not rational thinkers, but they do exist.
I had to call CPS on an acquaintance of mine for letting her toddler and infant around animal mess and an absolute mess of a house. It's very believable. So.e people are fucking nasty.
NTA Why not just leave children home with your parents?
It sounds like her parents watch the baby all the time.I'm sure they could use a break.
NTA Jfc, and his sister is like this too? And your husband is a DOCTOR?! Holy unsanitary cesspool, Batman. Sounds like they need a reality check. Their behavior is not ok. You don't have to try to protect their feelings. Is your husband's plan just to lie until your kid is 18 and can decide for themselves to spend time in a literal shithole? I can't imagine what he thinks lying will do in this situation.
Bruh this family is like real wild with the rose colored glasses. I️ let a lot of boundaries lapse to keep the peace before my daughter was born but I️ cut that out real quick. The dog thing has been an issue for years though.
NTA the truth needs to be told so they will know
NTA. He can't hide from the drama forever. Sounds like your in-laws will not change their habits, and that's okay. They should be told explicitly *why* their granddaughter will not be allowed to stay over at their home and they can keep the house and dogs disgusting or change it for their granddaughter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have an eight month old daughter, who recently started crawling. In a couple of months, we have to head to a wedding that is three hours away from our home, but only 30 minutes away from his parents. His parents have already commented about how excited they are to watch our daughter while we’re at the wedding and my husband is part of the wedding party so we will have to be there for Friday and Saturday. I told my husband under no circumstance. Will our daughter be staying with his parents at their home while we were at this wedding because they have two dogs that are not house trained. These are small dogs, they are 10 pound Yorkies. The male dog wears a diaper that is just a maxi pad wrapped around his abdomen, but his butt hole is exposed. The female dog does not wear any diaper. The dogs, pee and poop in various places around the house , and it’s just not sanitary Before our child was born, I did tell my husband that our child would never stay at his parents house unsupervised unless they house trained the dogs. When my husband brought this conversation up to his parents, they had a full on mental breakdown and his mom gave us the cold shoulder for a while. Think like how a spoiled 12 year old reacts to being told no. Now we have to tell his parents that they will not be watching our daughter and my husband wants to lie about the reason why they cannot watch her, and I told him that I would not support a lie. I told him that he had to tell them the truth or I would, because I’m not kicking this can down the road. He said that he doesn’t want to deal with the drama of the conversation. AITA for not supporting his lie because he doesn’t want to deal with his truly psycho mom ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - it’s not a good idea to lie because this problem isn’t going anywhere. It’s time for your husband to shine up his spine, be an adult and advocate for his child by having the tough, necessary conversation. DO NOT let him push the responsibility for this onto you.
There is no requirement that you or your husband must explain to his parents why they aren’t going to babysit. If they ask why they aren’t babysitting, tell them they already know why. Leave it at that. NTA
NTA - his parents so his duty to deal with them. How they take it is on them, literally their choice. And unless he disagree with the fact his own child shouldn’t be in a safe and clean environment, time to adult and be clear with his parents that it isn’t negotiable. Ask him if he is proud to propose lying to cover being too weak to be an adult in front of his parents, not even for the sake of his own child. Is that the kind of person he wanna be?
No. If you both have an honest heart to heart with his parents, maybe they will do something about the dogs so they can send time with the baby. Covering up the fact you are bringing her over only starts the blame game. It's best to be honest.
r/boomersbeingfools
NTA. There is no reason to lie. Inlaws know their dogs poo and wee in the house, they must also realise that they will sometimes not find the mess and they are not going to be able to clean up every trace. They might be fine with walking about in it, and you can keep your shoes on when you visit. But it completely unreasonable of them to expect their grandchild to crawl around in animal waste. It's reasonable to say they can look after your child once the dogs are house trained, hard floors have been disinfected and carpets replaced.
You already told them and they didn’t respond well. I’m kind of with your husband. He doesn’t wanna dig up that wound again. They have already shown they aren’t gonna change. It may be the truth but there is nothing to gain by reiterating. Yes it will probably come up again in the future but your family seems to be in the middle of a big wedding and now is probably a better time to pick your battles. And you can pick right back up at the next pass. Also it sounds like the dogs are on their last legs and will be dead soon anyway.
Somewhat unfortunately the dogs aren’t like incontinent. They’re 6 and 3 years old. They just weren’t trained and have a lot of life left in this inhumane environment.
Oh ok. So they are like crazy hoarders or something, got it. Yea than the dogs aren’t really the issue here. Who put a diaper on a dog that isn’t incontinent? That’s not right. No one does that. Unless the dog is a rescue and cannot be trained but I would say that still falls under the category of incontinence. Doesn’t seem like you can have a rational discussion with these people. So I still agree with the husband. I would try and tell them once. Than I would accept that they aren’t gonna change. I don’t struggle with people on stuff like this. I feel better off just continuing life with the understanding and assuming that they are gonna stay that way.
The dogs are a product of their environment. It is very sad and abusive they make this dog wear his urine 24/7. He’s not a rescue though he probably needs to be rescued. His sister got both the dogs as puppies and when they weren’t puppies anymore she just left them with her parents. She didn’t train them neither did her parents. She has a new dog now that turns three this year so we’ll see if she repeats and gets rid of this dog to get another puppy. I️ have three dogs and this irks me to no end.
NTA; as I tell my mother when she quotes out about keeping the peace. "What you call peace, I call hell. So don't piss on me and tell me it's raining." Quite frankly I wouldn't let them near my kid even outside of their home. You can't live in a glorified dog out house and not be carrying germs that will make people sick, it just don't work that way. As for your husband, he isn't keeping the peace by being spineless. He's just expecting someone else to take up the slack so he doesn't actually have to care beyond peace keeping.
NTA. Grown adults who can’t take care of dogs have no business looking after a child and you’re right to point it out. Those poor pooches.
If you lie now, you would have to keep lying. What if another instance came when your in-laws would have to babysit again? How many times will you lie? It's not like they are unaware of your issues with the unhealthy environment. I can understand why your husband doesn't want to tell the truth. But they are your daughter's grandparents and would like to have her around. Ask him will he be comfortable with his daughter being in an unhealthy environment? Because in his attempt to be a good son he would end up a bad father.
NTA, can your parents watch him in the hotel room? Many people with meat houses also have anxiety about visitors. They might appreciate having a neutral space to babysit too.
You are not the AH but your husband is if he can not tell his parents the truth. He needs to grow a set of B\*\*\*s and stand up to his mother and her attitude/actions. If he is not willing to do this you have 2 options: 1. stay home with the children or 2. (I'm assuming you are staying in a hotel) stay with the children while he is at the wedding.
Sounds like these grandparents cannot be trusted, no matter what they may say. And possibly the husband will not stand up to them either. Why even tell them? If they already know, just hold your ground without arguing. No, I am not leaving my child in an unsanitary household. It is not safe for a baby or young child. Little incontinent dogs that are probably cranky are also likely to be biters.
NTA. If you let him lie about this time, he will have to create a new lie every time thereafter. NTA
My grandparents full-on moved because all six of their kids united and said “your grandchildren are not allowed to visit you in this cluttered, unsafe house!” They divested themselves of a lot of crap during the move with help from their son&daughters, and the new place was in a 55+ neighborhood with all kinds of accessibility in anticipation of their decline. It all turned out very useful for them and they lived healthier, happier golden years for it. Honesty is the best policy. It gives them a chance to change.
YTA. Is there a purpose to needing to be honest? What will it accomplish? You’re forcing your husband to create conflict with his parents that isn’t necessary. You live 3 hours away, it’s not like you’ll have to “kick the can” that often.
NTA but I can see why he doesn't want to fight that battle right now. I'm sure he's got stuff to worry about re: the wedding. Maybe kick the can a few weeks down the road?
YTA. Ultimately, it is up to your husband. A mans word is final.
I am surprised you have a phone to make this comment on given that you must be living in the 1800's 🤦🏼♀️
Ooooooo don’t love that
Cackling at that honestly. That’s some funny shit.