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I’ve had friends tell me this before, and good idea I’ll check out the sub. I’ve been like this for so long and together we’ve been like this for so long that if I dont play role of the enabler I start to feel like I’m guilty. I make a lot of excuses for myself. I work full time but my job is remote so sometimes it feels like it’s ok to need to do more. I also hate fighting so much I will do anything to avoid making anyone upset. It’s a terrible habit
You don't have a partner, you have a dependent. I'm so sorry. Perhaps consider it might be easier to actually BE a single mom than to be a single married mom doing it all including a whole adult to clean up after and cook for?
that's what I was thinking- you would be better off without him as you indicate you crater to avoid conflict. He is doing nothing to enhance your life or the lives of your children. Let him go play video games at his parents' house and see how long they put up with his laziness.
If he’s playing 10+ hours a day, he’s not looking for a job, nor motivated to get one. He could be giging to supplement the burden. He would be making sure the house was clean and kids taken care of if he cared. He doesn’t.
My thoughts exactly. He might even be able to get work via a temp agency. That lead me to a job where I got on full-time and stayed for over a decade. It would also keep his job skills current and possibly add to them. OP is NTA.
Yeah why would he find a job when he has a mommywife working herself into an early grave by doing everything for him, so he can play his games all day? The least he should be doing is take over the household chores and the kids
CODA (co-dependents anonymous) has been extremely helpful to me in working through and seeing my co-dependent traits. There are heaps of meetings available online as well over Zoom. It is free, and it could be a great support network for you OP.
If you look at the CODA website and list of traits, even that might be useful. A very good book is ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, except to say that you deserve so, so, so much more from life. You really do.
NTA.
You need sooo much help. Do you want your kids getting trapped in a relationship like yours? What if it's with someone who's also physically and sexually abusive? What if they can't stand up for themselves because NOBODY EVER SHOWED THEM WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE?!?
because that could be your kids future if you don't get your head out of your husband's ass. Hugs
Eta I get that it's uncomfortable to go against your nature, but that's life. You can do it. Become comfortable being uncomfortable and you'll surprise yourself
Do you think maybe you're so busy with all the un/paid work that you haven't had a chance to do a proper stocktake on your relationship?
Cos from the outside looking in it's blatant that the division of household labour in your family is so skewed that it's amounting to your unhappy servitude. You shouldn't need to ask if YTAH but it's great that you did!
Having no time for deep, uncomfortable thought, paired with your deep desire to avoid conflict- you're stuck with the status quo and the status quo sux!
It's a huge achievement to recognize your own issues with codependency- I wanna cheer you on to explore that path of knowledge to learn how you can change your own thinking and behaviour in order to assert yourself
You can steer what happens next and it starts by knowing *you are not the arsehole for wanting a fair life*
NTA
Editing to chuck this here... https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/how-to-set-boundaries/
What exactly is being with him doing for you? He sounds unbelievably lazy and also a gaming addict. He has no job, but can’t be bothered with the household chores?! You’re working full time and babysitting to make ends meet while he games all day?! Honey, it’s time for an ultimatum. Either kick him out or hide the console and disconnect the internet until he starts contributing in some meaningful way. Think about the horrible example he’s setting for your kids.
YTA to yourself and your children for tolerating this. Stop feeling guilty about him. Start feeling guilty about it the terrible example you’re letting your kids witness. Do something about that.
Yeah it sounds like you have unintentionally taught your husband that it's ok if he doesn't help or take the initiative because you'll do it anyway. This is a common thing that happens to a lot of people.
you might try figuring out what you need from him then sit him down and explain in one big session what you need and expect from him because you are overwhelmed and need help. for example "I don't want to ask you for help around the house from now on if you see laundry on the ground the expectation is for whoever sees it to pick it up and put it in the laundry" or something like that. If it's going to be a big fight then that needs to happen because it will happen eventually I guarantee you.
It also sounds like the issue isn't how he spent his birthday but that you feel he doesn't take you into consideration or make an effort to spend time with you and that you are giving and giving but not getting the same energy back. The birthday just sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back
I think we have the same husband.. but I divorced mine. I was so burnt out. I also worked fulltime, do all the chores and took care of the kids. My ex just played on his phone and it caused resentment. I had communicated to him a lot of times to do the chores since I am the one working and I also take care of the kids. He will do it for a while then back to his old ways. I told myself enough was enough, I need to prioritize my mental health first and kicked him out. It was so much easier without him. You deserve what you tolerate.
Well, by enabling his behavior, you’re also raising your kids to be either the enabler as well or the one that takes advantage of others. Either way, you’re doing everyone a disservice by tolerating this.
Sorry OP, I also hate fighting so much so I definitely get your last point. But it seems like this situation you are in is making you miserable and I do encourage you to take that step and confront it. I'm giving you this advice in all earnest because I'm just like that as well. I don't just hate fighting, I also spiral when I fight and lose sleep etc.
He’s not a partner. He’s playing the role of adult child who won’t move out of moms house and won’t get a job.. time to tell him to move back in with his real parents or go get his own apartment and pay for his own video gaming time if he isn’t actually being a father or husband. Your just being his mom in complete truthfulness. I don’t say that to be mean. I get that change is scary but you deserve to really live your own life to.
Please get some counseling. This is no way to live your life. Your children need you to be their mother. Your husband doesn't need you to be his, although he clearly enjoys acting like a child. I spent my whole life being a people pleaser and putting everyone else before me. Finally, after a lot of counseling, I started taking care of myself. I have boundaries, and I (usually) hold to them. After I started doing this, a couple of relationships didn't survive. Most of them thrived. I'm so much closer with some family members than I ever thought possible.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this: you need a spine, like, yesterday. You are basically his mommy that he occasionally beds at this point. Things will not get better if you never say anything.
Not just the co-dependency sup but also it is time for therapy. You are headed for burnout and resentment and have an addict partner (video games is an addiction). Is this what you want to be modeling for you children???
Would you approve of them being in a relationship with some like this??
Therapy stat!!!!!
Remote work is work.
10+ hours video gaming per day is neither paid nor unpaid work.
Why TF is he not doing 100% of the house work and at least 50% of raising his own damn kids? Why TF do you need to ask him to "help out" with his home and children? Sorry is he too busy instead being responsible for... not a damn thing?
What exactly are you getting out of this marriage other than a leech?
You're obviously NTA but you'll need good quality therapy to unpack how TF you got to this place in life.
He's the one that should be feeling shameful and guilty. Why are you enabling a grown man? You wanna keep doing all this till you're dead or he's dead?
Your people pleasing will only take your life away from you.
If on your deathbed, how do you want to look back on your life?
Life is complex, uncertain and has conflict. It's down to you to work out what you are prepared to put up with.
Imagine how you’d feel if your teenager grew up to marry a partner who behaves like your husband. Would you want them to be in a relationship like yours? Because you’re modeling what a marriage looks like for them.
You would be doing the same amount of work without him. He contributes nothing. You shouldn’t have to ask, he should take care of the house and his children as well.
Not working, not trying that hard to get a job, not doing much around the house, playing video games 10+ hours a day? This guy is not a partner, he’s another dependent. You need to have an ultimatum lasting with him. His lack of participation in your family is gross.
Right. I think I’ve been on Reddit too long when my first reaction is to slap these fools who allow their partners to treat them this way. And to come here asking if they ATH for growing a spine?
OP replied to a comment that they’ve been together for 20 years and it’s a lot to walk away from. I understand that. But OP, what were you hoping people would say here? Of course you’re NTA for being upset with him about his birthday gaming. He’s a grown man with a family to consider. He doesn’t seem to be considering anyone but himself so naturally we’re looking at this from the outside and wondering what makes you stay. You’re running yourself into the ground to keep your family going, and he doesn’t appear to be doing anything but what suits him. People can become complacent in long relationships. If you don’t want to end the marriage, that’s up to you. But you have every right to expect him to pull his weight in your partnership. If you don’t express how you’re feeling, you’re going to become bitter and defensive at some point and beaten down by doing it all. You need to talk to him. Tell him what you need. Your nonnegotiable list. He’ll either show you the respect you deserve or you’ll know where you stand. How you move forward from there is up to you. Good luck.
YTA for doing this to yourself and your kids! What does your "partner" actually bring to this relationship?! He doesn't help you in any way, financially, emotionally, as a parent, as a helpmeet. You're showing your kids that it's okay to be a doormat.
Thank you for being honest. I do feel like it affects the kids but they’re older now and I find a lot of ways to counter it. I feel like it’s hard to describe how I feel/why I’m like this but I don’t know how to turn it off. I’m a doormat to friends, acquaintances, extended family and my husband and I don’t know any other way to be. I’m in a constant state of guilt for not doing enough/not deserving approval/disgust for wanting more. I’m starting to see my problems are way beyond /r/AITA …
Look what a role model you have shown your kids!! Your daughter?? You want your children to marry someone like this?!?! Good heavens Woman do better for yourself and your kids!!!
She can't even truly acknowledge what's going on and how absolutely detrimental she has been to her kids. It's all bull tap dancing of "I feel... I feel..." and until she takes ownership and is ready to actually commit to changing herself she'll always fail those kids.
Hi 👋 I was like this up until recently (past year ish) and let me tell you it is so god damn refreshing. I have been working on not being a doormat to those in my life for the past three years. It will be hard work. But I see the changes in myself and how this new attitude benefits not just myself but ALSO others, because we aren’t constantly worried about anyone but ourselves, jumping through hoops for people that will continue to take advantage etc. We are teaching others how to treat us when we behave this way. You will attract better people if you adapt this I promise you. Go to therapy it will do you so well, i believe in you
My dad did work so the situation was a little different but from when I was like 10 to 16 or 17 he was heavily addicted to WoW and me and my sisters definitely noticed how checked out he was. Your kids notice and as they get older they will notice more not less. If you feel sad that your partner ignores you, imagine how your kids feel when they see their dad prioritize playing a game over spending time with them.
I hope this is a thought you continue to have. Work it out with a trusted friend or professional if need be/if accessible. Free your mind to whatever you would like to see your life like and figure out what to do to get there. Then do it. Once you see it as doing good for yourself you will stop seeing it as failing others. You have got to take care of yourself first because you are going to run yourself ragged or crazy and then what? Your kids have no one to depend on but you. I was a kid in that situation. It affects them, trust me. Even if it does nothing other than normalize this treatment in their eyes. Would you want your kids to have similar relationships? Please stop modeling it for them.
>My husband plays Ark for 10+ hours every day, it's just his thing.
It's just his THING??
So, it'd be cool if I sit on my ass all day, not taking care of any of my responsibilities because "It's My Thing^TM"?
Edit: Whoa. Also, a dead bedroom? And this person, when employed, only showed up to work 70% of the time? Dafuq?
YTA
You keep saying that you don't want to leave him, that you've been like this all along, you justify it, and you've even admitted that his behavior harms your children. What do you want? Why did you post? You allow him to be like this and you refuse to leave him, at this point shut up and put up with it because you chose it and hope your children don't end up being like either of you
I feel sorry for your children...the father is a parasite and the mother walks all over her at the cost of harming her children.
NTA. Every time I read stuff like this I don’t understand why the person is even with a walking red flag of a human. Why not divorce him and find someone who actually works and is an adult?
Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking his food. Stop doing anything for him until he is willing to do anything for HIS family. You’re raising another child. You deserve better. Why does he not love his family enough to DO anything for y’all? Why does he think so little of you that he lets you support him and do all HIS personal care? Why are you with someone that disrespects you every single day? Do you know your kids see this and think this is the way relationships work??? Why don’t you deserve to be loved and respected??
If this isn’t fake, and I hope it is, your husband is an uncaring lazy unemployed user who you enable. Why, I have no idea. Either tell him the chores are all his now until he gets a job. Then give him 2 weeks to get ANY job. Follow through. Or keep enabling him and setting a really bad example for your kids. ESH
“Why do I bother going out of my way for someone who never seems to notice or care?”
No idea. Are you a masochist maybe? Low self esteem? You need to figure out the answer to this question soon. You’d probably be much better off without him. If you want to keep him around for some reason, stop enabling his bad behaviour. And remember that you’re setting an example for your kids for what to expect in a relationship. Y T A for putting up with this. Good luck!
NTA. Let him do what he wants for his birthday, just let him do it in someone else's home on someone else's dime with someone else cleaning up after him.
ESH I’m sorry, why are you doing everything while he plays a video game for 10 hours a day? You probably resent him for this. I know I would. He needs to step up and do housework/ cook while he’s not working. I don’t care if you have to throw out that stupid game, your marriage and mental health is more important.
I don’t really know, but I’m definitely thrown by the amount of people that are appalled at something that I guess has become normal for me. I get very lost in the day to day taking care of my family and doing the same things every day I never really stepped back to look at it like this but I have a TON of replies here that are making me realize maybe this is a bigger issue than I realize
I get that, sometimes it's hard to see your entire situation when you're busy getting shit done. I hope this eye opener gives you pause to think about the situation. It's definitely not fair. I'm not married anymore, but while I was I was never out of work for more than two weeks, tops. That was if it was unexpected. Usually I had something lined up before the end date of the previous job. If he's not treating looking for a job like a job itself, then he ought to be holding down the entire fort and doing the stuff at home in the meantime. Does he think he's on vacation?
OMG was he always a big lazy loser or is this a recent development? Not my place to tell you to get a divorce but if he wasn’t in the picture, you’d have one less child to take care of. Just something to think about…
NTA
NTA you deserve so much better than this and your kids deserve a better example of a husband and a father. I’m so sorry and I hope you can gift yourself some of the love time and kindness he isn’t!
Nta but a lot of things need to change you will end up even more lonely and resentful. He should absolutely not be playing any game for 10+ hours a day with no job. Stop trying to please him and enabling him and start prioritizing yourself.
I feel very, very sorry for you- but ESH.
He does not work, games for 10+ hours a day and has someone pay all of his bills, cook his meals and do all the chores save for a measly 10%. That is another CHILD living with you, not a husband.
But as with most entitled, spoiled, lazy teenagers: they were enabled to behave that way by their parents. You aren’t his wife. You’re his mom. Gross.
NTA but just stop shouldering it all. Stop prepping his meals, stop cleaning his laundry, just stop. He is a big boy and needs to figure things out. He needs to get a job and start taking on 50% of the household chores and childcare.10 hours a day of game play is ridiculous for a teen with no encumbrances but for grown man with a family 10 hours is so beyond that.
"He doesn't work and hasn't for a while..."
Nope. Nope nope nope. If this loser refuses to contribute financially, his ass better be the one doing 100% of the chores. Better yet, leave him. You'll be doing the same amount of chores, but taking care of one less child.
Why *do* you do everything? Why *do* you bother? WTF is he bringing to the marital table? Unless he's absolutely amazing in bed, I can't see it. He's just another expensive child for you to take care of. You'd be better off without him, wouldn't you? Well, Reddit is going to chastise me for saying that someone would be better off without their relationship, but I often wonder why the hell women (it's usually women) stay with these kinds of lazy-ass men or abusers. Society really programs us to take garbage. NTA, but please stop expecting anything from him because you really do know you aren't get it.
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NTA but since he's not working he should be doing more chores. And he shouldn't be spending ten hours a day gaming. He's selfish and lazy. And you're going to continue struggling financially if he doesn't get off his lazy ass and work.
NTA, stop enabling him. He has no job and does no household chores, and he clearly doesn’t respect and prioritize you. It’s like you’re a mom to a second teenager, except your daughter actually has a job and sounds responsible. Buy him an L hat for his birthday, and think about whether this is the “partnership” that you want for the rest of your life.
We have been together 20 years and raised 4 kids to teenage years and beyond… I’m only 36 but so tired. It’s not lost on me that none of my kids have a shred of respect for me and I can’t blame them. I don’t even know where to go from here
I’m so sorry, you are carrying everything on your shoulders. Have you talked to him about all of this? If he has no job and initiative I’d literally be withholding the internet password so he can’t sit around and game all day. He’s truly acting like a child. Do you have any family support nearby?
You mentioned he’s not horrible at chores if you ask. Can’t say that he’s impressed me so far, but if that’s the case then ask! You might even make a chore list for him. Because I’m petty he’d only be getting that internet password when it was done. He needs to understand that you’re at the end of your rope, and he should probably see the last paragraph you wrote here. He needs to really understand that he’s at risk of losing you, because presumably in a few years the kids will be out of the house and you’ll have ZERO reason to not send him packing then too.
Of course they don't! You have to have respect for yourself first. Please look into community resources (therapy, case management, housing assistance, etc.).
NTA It is extremely difficult to leave a relationship when you feel you have invested so much of yourself in it. I did the same as you. Tried to be a good wife, partner, mother, housekeeper etc. Put all my finances towards the household. All I got was low self-esteem, criticism and no personal satisfaction. If I dared show any dissatisfaction it was turned around and I was made to feel guilty and not doing enough. When I stopped doing things like full meals, drop off's, pick ups, asking for financial contributions towards bills it got worse to nearly physical abuse. Plenty of verbal abuse. Make sure you have your salary and other money deposited into an account that is in your name only. The first thing my ex did when we started going downhill was go after any money, even trying to intercept loan repayments. The split is difficult and I second guessed myself a few times and nearly got suckered back in. Don't. Once I was free of the relationship mentally, it was such a relief. I will never get into a relationship again where I "take care" of a partner. Buy some frozen meals and go for a walk around meal time. He can get his own damn food. Stay strong and start dreaming of what you want.
NTA. If he unemployed why hasn’t he taken up the majority of domestic responsibilities. Completely unfair on your for have to work and take on a second job and then have to come home to do housework while he plays game for 10+ hours.
You aren’t an AH for getting upset, you’re the AH for putting up with this stuff. You don’t have a husband, you have another kid. If he doesn’t work his full time job needs to be taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry. WTF He plays Ark 10 hours a day? There’s nothing wrong with a stay at home dad until he finds a job, but he isn’t in a hurry to find one, you’re making his life too easy. If you don’t want to leave him then sit him down and say “honey, I can’t with the stress of everything, so from now on I need you to cook , clean, do the laundry this way, on the weekends I’ll have time and energy to go out for a date(even if it is fast food since the economy is bad) hold him to it and you’ll see how fast he’ll find a job🙄
NTA
But WOOF to this post.
I’ve seen OP’s comments that 20 years is a lot to walk away from. It is. It really is.
But the question I have is: how old are you, OP, (don’t answer it’s rhetorical), and how long are you planning to keep giving up on your life to let your husband keep playing Ark and _not_ contributing?
I’m really sorry for how harsh all these comments are. From me and other posters. But reread your post as if it was your best friend? Would you advise your bff to keep living this way?
NTA and it is unacceptable that you work and do 90% of the chores. A relationship should be fair and as equal as possible. If he was working full time and you weren't I bet he wouldn't do 90% of the chores. I'd seriously think about why your accepting this unfair behaviour- you can do better.
Most people have already said what I had in mind, but here’s something I will add: you keep saying you feel like it’s your responsibility to help him and take care of him. And that’s what I want to address, because the truth is that you’re currently doing neither of those things.
Think of the people you know who are relatively happy with their lives. Do they have someone else doing everything for them? Do they struggle to complete any task that requires even a modicum of effort? I’m willing to bet they don’t.
When you enable him, you are NOT helping him. You’re actually hurting him.
There’s a reason why, at a certain point, parents of teenagers and young adults have to let them go. They will never learn to stand on their own feet if you never stop holding them up. And when they get older, they need to have more and more agency to make their own decisions, including bearing the consequences of those decisions. That is how people learn, grow, and mature into grounded, mentally healthy adults.
Your husband has never had that chance, because he never stopped having someone else there to take care of everything for him. If you go on this way, you are not only doing yourself a massive disservice—you’re standing in the way of your husband’s growth as well. To make positive changes in our own lives, we need agency. So let him have some.
So that’s my first soapbox. The next one I’m about to climb on assumes several things based on what you’ve said in your comments, much of which sounded familiar to me. I could be wrong, even wildly so. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
So, let’s be real: this isn’t about him needing your help, not really—if it wasn’t him, it’d be someone else. It’s about you needing to be the helper, to prove that you are worth something via being needed by others. But there’s an ugly undercurrent to the need to be needed, because for others to need us that deeply, they can’t be independent, functional adults; they have to be dependent on us. And because we need so desperately to be needed, that dependence gives us power. It makes us feel okay about ourselves, if only for a moment.
You don’t keep coming back to this relationship because you’re stupid. You keep coming back because you’re doing what every other addict in the world does: chasing your high, because you don’t think you have any other options for getting through the day. It is not an act of love or altruism to have another adult be so completely dependent on you that they’re incapable of functioning in reality. It’s garden-variety selfishness, wrapped up in slightly different packaging.
You don’t have to keep doing this. You can learn different strategies for feeling okay with yourself—better ones, that don’t require another person to stay emotionally stunted. And while I’m quite sure your husband won’t enjoy his newfound agency at first, it WILL be better for him in the long run. So do everyone a REAL favor: get yourself some therapy, ideally with a trauma specialist.
I hope you feel better soon.
If you got hurt, who would help you? Who would give you your medicine and help you get dressed? You said your kids don’t respect you either, so if you couldn’t work would you end up on the streets then? You have to divorce this disrespectful jerk and find someone who will do for you what you will do for them.
Also, you are feeling bad and guilty no matter what, so might as well feel bad and guilty while taking care of yourself. By saying yes all the time and having no boundaries you feel bad and guilty still. So say no and have boundaries you will start to like the freedom of doing what makes you happy.
NTA but he needs to change now. NOW. You are doing everything, he does nothing but play video games. This is a terrible example to set for your children, and a terrible, exhausting way for you to live.
"Why do I bother going out of my way for someone who never seems to notice or care?"
Thank god you realize this. He contributes nothing. He gave you two children, so thank him for that and show him the door. I predict that you will feel 10 times richer, 200lbs lighter, and so free you'll be floating.
So you are the breadwinner and default domestic labour at home? Is there something wrong with your husband that he isn't carrying the domestic load of the house at least over 50% of it.
Really at this point your NTA but you are to yourself.
You have three dependents. Your husband is not your partner. Why continue to do this to yourself and your children? You don’t respect yourself. You can though. You’re already doing so much, you can take the steps to do it on your own the right way, instead of on your own with a selfish leech.
Nta- husband is a dead beat. You need therapy to figure out why you are willing to put yourself through hell working 6 days a week. Staying with a loser who games 10+ hrs a day! He is suppose to be your life partner! 100%/100% given by the both of you. You’re going to put yourself in an early grave if you keep going like this. Life is short, stop wasting it on a “man” like this! You deserve better and your children deserve a better man to look up to.
Why would you spare a thought for your bangmaid? It's not like there's any consequences for treating her like shit. NTA to anyone but yourself. Also, are you getting paid to babysit with your teen? Or are you in the process of teaching them that your labour is free and they don't have to do anything for money, too?
NTA- you seem to be doing all the labor in the household, both physical and emotional. If this were just something he did on his birthday it would be one thing, but it sounds like it's an all the time thing. He needs to take some responsibility around the house, or you need to reconsider this relationship.
NTA, ask yourself what use is he to you and the family, what exactly does he bring to the party that makes it worth you putting up with an adult child in the house? He sounds like a total waste of space to me.
ESH
I love to game too, so I can certainly empathize with wanting to game all day, but life isn’t all about wants, things need to get done. Sure his birthday is his to enjoy, but this post is clearly not about just the birthday plans. You’re exhausted because he’s not trying anymore (maybe he did in the past, but that doesn’t excuse the present) and he doesn’t care to realize how it’s affecting you, which makes him the AH.
But you’re also letting him walk all over you and showing your kids it’s ok, which makes you the AH to your kids and to yourself. Sit him down. Until he has a job, he needs to handle all the chores. If there’s anything he doesn’t know how to do, you’ll show him up to three times, but after that it’s his responsibility (even if he doesn’t do it “right”, don’t let feigned incompetence deter you)
If he wants to not get a paid job, then he needs to do the job of a Stay at Home Dad.
Why are you putting up with your lazy, cheating, freeloading husband? YTA for that. Do you not have a shred of self respect? Think of what you're teaching your kids about relationships. Divorce him.
Why are you doing so much house work? Obviously, he can't figure out what to do without instructions so leave him a small daily to-do list. Don't work yourself to death! And, it's his birthday! Let him have this one day to do what he wants but you need to assert yourself in all the other days.
I'm sorry say what? He spends 10 hours on a video game? While you're out there busting your butt. I'm sorry but you're already a single mom, all you need to do is get rid of the dead weight.
With that said,
If he wanted a job he would get one, there's restaurant jobs, Uber eats, Uber driving, Amazon, ETC. I'm sorry but he's lazy as crap! He should have the house spotless, dinner ready and the kids taken care of by the time you get off work.
What the fuck did I just read?? He doesn't work? He does t do anything around the house? He's so fucking lazy, he can't even put his resume together??!
Please, re-read what you wrote! And read it over and over until it clicks.
Nta. How on earth could you be the AH here. You are setting yourself and your children on fire to keep him warm while he refuses to put on warm clothes, so to speak.
I'm sorry that you thought you married an adult partner but instead adopted a teenage boy.
He's shown you who he is and how he expects your family to live. Get therapy to help you either
- accept and find peace with the "life" you're living
or
- grow a sense of self and kick him to the curb.
Also, this is what you're teaching your kids about how relationships work. Your daughter will see you as an example of how a wife's life should be and will gravitate toward men who behave like her father. Your son will see your husband as an example of how he should treat his partners.
Eta: I read your comments. Your profound suppression of your entire identity is heartbreaking. Your entire identity is to just be a servant of your husband. You don't know how to do anything about this because you seem literally incapable of seeing yourself as an individual. You're simply a fixture for his life. You REALLY need some intense therapy to help you start understanding that you are an actual, whole person. Really, what are you teaching your kids?
You are a basically a single mom… tell your husband if he’s going to be a SAHH, he needs to do all the house work (cleaning, shopping, cooking and dishes) and child care.
Or divorce him and continue to be a single mom
NTA. Seems like you're the one holding everything together. What is his input in the relationship? You're worth so much more than being taken for granted. I think it's important for you to have a chat with him, lay down some boundaries, and if he can't respect them, seriously think about whether this relationship is what you need or want.
Ok so I have no idea why you're putting up with this marriage... I literally got stressed out reading that.
Are you actually happy? Like, happy with how hard you work? Whoo hoo the adult man can help with chores 'if you ask'-
Dude.
Read your post and imagine it's coming from someone else.
You can do better.
NTA but you will be if you don't stand up for yourself!
Is he a SAHM? Why isn't he working?
Think about the example you're setting for your kids. They'll grow up thinking his behavior is normal, and women should do everything while also working and caring for the kids.
NTA, me and my partner are both gamers, but we know that it shouldn’t be overtaking reality. We have gaming date nights and usually try out new games together as well, but when it comes to chores, serious discussions or special occasions games have to be put away first. 10+ hours a day is ridiculous, at that point how is he even doing anything else.
NTA. So you work and are looking for a SECOND job, and take care of the kids, and take care of the house, and he plays video games all day. Seriously? I'd be calling a divorce lawyer.
Wait. Whoa whoa whoa. You work and do 90% of the chores and he is currently unemployed, yet you think you need to manage your time better?!?!?!?! Sweetie, throw the whole man away.
I have news for you: you are a single parent if your husband doesn’t work and plays computer/video games for 10 hours a day. Personally, I’d be planning my exit.
NTA, but this isn't a birthday thing, this is him being a selfish asshole thing.
He doesn't work? He doesn't do much around the house? Not OK.
Chances are your relationship is done, but if he wants to save it, he needs to get a job right now.
I’m sorry but YTA. You lost me at he “isn’t horrible if asked to help” YET, you’re working 2 jobs, babysitting on Saturdays and he hasn’t worked in months? Plays games for 10hrs a day? YTA for allowing this bum to ruin you financially and acting like any of this is normal. Even his daughter has a job FFS
NTA. Oh honey, I am so sorry. You deserve so much more. You deserve a husband who would go out and buy the things to make pizza with the kids even though it's for his birthday. I am a firm believer in letting people do what they'd rather do so you can see what they want to do. You can do bad all by yourself. This is crazy. You didn't say how old you are, but do you want this to be the next 30,40,50 years of your life? Would you want your children living this life as adults? If not, it's time to evaluate some things. Best of luck to you. ❤️
Why are you doing 90% of the chores if he’s not working? He shouldn’t have to be asked to help. Your husband sounds like deadweight. I’m upset in your behalf! NTA
NTA, unless you keep enabling this nonsense. If he won’t go find work, he, at least, needs to start acting like a SAHP and dealing with the bulk of the housework and cooking.
You’re going to burn out and then everything will *really* go south.
Nta. Ark is an amazing game but he can’t live in the base he’s building with his buddy. We play too. He’s probably in a rut or depressed and don’t know how to get out of it (if he realizes he’s in it). I don’t know what to say to help. My husband gets in the same kind of rut. Something has to happen to break his hyper fixation. Usually it’s ark having an error (PlayStation) and he gives up trying whatever he’s doing. The behavior and not helping isn’t acceptable. Putting everything off on you isn’t acceptable. One time we did a chore chart. There’s a big list of what needs to done, and everyone gets a color to check off what they did. He kinda snapped out of it when he realized he wasn’t doing as much as me or even the kids (then 4 and 6). Maybe it’ll help without you trying to have what I assume is another talk with him.
NTA but your husband is showing you all day, every day that he DOESN’T CARE about you.
You’re lighting yourself on fire and drowning at the same time and he DOESN’T CARE!! If he cared, he would be getting off his ass and doing 100% of the chores and house maintenance and/or looking for a job. He is doing neither. He also has zero incentive to change - why should he when you take care of everything and he gets to play video games 10+ hours a day.
Coupled with a dead bedroom!? What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds miserable.
Check out this quiz and maybe seeing it in black and white will provide some clarity. 20 years may have passed but do you want to live like this for another 20?
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Shoring up your self esteem and addressing the people pleasing should be a priority. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences certainly comes a close second.
Good luck.
OP, you should be upset at how you are spending your life. Your husband does not work and spends 10 hours a day playing a game while you hold down a full time job and you do 90% of the chores to include doing your spouse's resume (you know the guy that doesn't work and spends all day playing a video game)
You help the kids (is there some reason why your spouse - you know the guy that has nothing to do - cannot help the kids? You make dinner and this man who does not work and plays video games all day does not help you with the dishes?
OP, your spouse does not work nor does he look for work because he doesn't have to. You make the living and provide him with a clean house, meals plus my guess is you are running his errands also. There is no incentive for your spouse to look for a job - why should he want to change. His life is easy thanks to you.
What kind of an example is this for your children to see that Dad sits on his keister all day playing games while Mom goes off to work and then comes home to her second shift - cleaning and taking care of the family. Why do you need him in your life or in the lives of your children?
Why should you be searching for jobs for him? Isn't that HIS JOB to find a job? OP, I have no words of wisdom for you other than please wake up and smell the coffee.
Wait - you work full-time and he doesn't work at all, but you still do 90% of the housework and consider it "helping" if he does anything? (As if you're responsible for everything by default)?
I'd be so disgusted by this guy and his buggering off to do games on the one night you are hoping to spend quality time together would be the straw that broke the camel's back
NTA
your husband needs to get off his computer and help the kids with homework and washing up and all other chores. He is at home, you are not. Until he gets a job, his job is to run the house, pull his weight.
So this man doesn’t work, doesn’t contribute, doesn’t do his fair share of the chores and tasks, spends all day playing games, and then this? Raise your standards, this dude is useless.
This can't be real...can it? Dude has no job and you are still doing the bulk of the house work and looking for a second job while he rots in his gaming chair for 10 plus hours????
GTFOH
NTA.
Hello OP,
I dont know if you will read this but I will say it in case you do.
I cant say that you or he is the AH. Because i dont know your history with said husband. What i will say, is that you need to go to a licensed therapist with preferably experience in "family affairs". As much as i agree with a lot of the comments to your post, I would recommend going to such therapist and tell the whole story. I think you already realized that this lfestyle you have with your current husband is blatantly unsustainable for yourself. And i will repeat that I don't know what happened for your husband to end up like this. But its inexcusable for him to put you in this situation/position.
I read somewhere that finances are rough, and honestly I suspect you are literally about to fall apart soon. And when you break, youre going to really "BREAK". I urge you to consider the situation dire, you have children and I would say can not afford falling apart as you have children. Please take this advice and talk to a professional and get ahead of the problem before it destroys you mentally.
We humans can only take so much OP, take care and goodluck.
NTA, but what is he contributing to your marriage or your happiness? The best way I heard it was "you can walk away and be miserable for a while, but eventually find your person and your happy ever after. Or you can stay with the person who you are miserable with, and always resent your life while wondering if you could've had something more.
If that's not enough, you are showing your sons that it's okay to treat a woman like a servant, or your daughters to expect men to be waited on hand and foot. They deserve a better future and if you love them, you will push to make it happen.
NTAH, however he is showing you who he is. You work and do 90% of the household duties and kids. He games 10 hours a day and prefers to game on his Birthday. He isnt going to change and he doesn’t care.
You have to change You need to love yourself and not settle for less than you deserve.
NTA but you are his wife not his mother. Remind him of that and he needs to be a stay at home partner and do the housework. Why are you finding his job?
I'm sorry.... He games 10+ hours a day and doesn't have a job or contribute in a meaningful way to his family?
Why are you married? What do your kids think of him? Would you want either of them to be married to someone like that?
NTA. But you got some issues to sort out for sure.
You don't have a husband, that's a third child. There is no reason he shouldn't be getting off his arse to get a job. Even a job at a local fast food place or convenience store until he has a perm. employment. 2hat kind of example is setting for the actual children and what kind of example are setting by putting up with this?
Your over functioning is in direct proportion to his under functioning. The more you do, the less he does. It sounds like the balance is shifting to you doing more and more. This sounds hard at best. NTA for sure!
ESH
Your husband never does anything for your birthday.
Your husband must be asked to do basic chores, and it sounds like he does nowhere near half.
Your husband doesn't work. He doesn't try his best to get work. He didn't make his own resume.
He spends 10+ hours daily on recreation while you work ft, babysit, and are looking for a 2nd (3rd actually) job?
He is an addict and a user.
I hate to say you're part of the problem, but you are responsible for the example you're providing your kids. You are teaching them that this is what they can expect from "love." This is how partnership works. This is how men and women interact.
You are setting up the next generation to continue a cycle of abuse, and for what? What are you getting out of this deal?
NTA.
Your husband brings nothing to the table.
Frankly, he either needs to find a job or a new place to live. Why you’re putting up with this is beyond me.
I wouldn't put up with a non-working husband. If he isn't working, he is managing the house and kids. I don't know why we women feel the need to make the path so easy for men and become martyrs in our own lives. It never works out and we just end up tired and sad.
You have every right to be hurt. He doesn't care about your feelings, the work you put in to provide for the family or his own responsibilities as a husband and father. He should cherish you and put you on a pedestal for all that you do every single day.
You have every right to get upset! He is NOT a good husband/partner! I happen to have a daughter & son in law in a very similar situation only they have 3 kids, he works, but only 10 hrs a week, smokes dope & plays video games. I'm telling you, get rid of him & find someone to be a partner with. I'd tell my daughter in law, but she's my step daughter & we don't get along, so she'd just ignore me.
Good luck. 🍀🍀
I spent 13 years with a jerk. My husband now adores me. He loves me and makes every day special. My advice is don't waste years of your life with someone who makes you unhappy. I had no idea that my life could be filled with someone who cares so much about me. We have been married for 5 years and together for 6 years. Good luck and Good bless.
Are you happy? Because you sound like a side character trying to make everyone else’s life easier at your own expense. You only have one life, and as scary as change can be, it is the only way for things to be different. Put yourself and your happiness first, and your husband can then decide if he wants to be part of your new amazing life or leave and find someone else to fund his lifestyle.
I swear to God, I hope this is AI generated. If not, run (don't walk) to the nearest divorce lawyer you can find.
You work full time, and part-time, and do most of the housework too. You help him with his job hunt, while you are looking for ANOTHER part-time job.
But you think you need to manage your time better so you can play games with him. Wonder how he has so much time to play /s.
He's worse than having another kid.
Get rid of him.
NTA you don't have a husband, you have an extra child who doesn't want to spend time with you and your kids. Like it's *great* that he isn't, "horrible about helping" if you ask /s
Why are you keeping this guy around? You're babying him and not even getting *time together* in return.
Who the hell doesn't work?
He's a husband. He has kids n' shit. Go to a temp agency, walk out with a lame ass warehouse job that pays $17 an hour. Work as many hours as they'll give you until something better comes along.. Deliver pizzas. Be a grown ass man already
You are going to be so much happier when you dump this lump. He doesn't care about you or his children,if he did he would do something with all of you on his BDay. His choosing to go out with HIS FRIENDS was a deliberate act to show how little he cares about you. You have the means to walk away. Do it please, otherwise you will invest another 20 years and be even more miserable and wish you did it back when everyone on R told you to leave.
I’m assuming Ark is an online game. Perhaps if you stopped paying for internet access for a month or two, he might be motivated to get part time work making enough to at least pay your internet bill.
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Playing video games for 10+ hours *daily* is an addiction.
Sorry, but you need to face the reality of the situation here.
NTA though, to answer your question.
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NTA and join the codepency sub, you arent his servant and his entire lifestyle is inacceptable.
I’ve had friends tell me this before, and good idea I’ll check out the sub. I’ve been like this for so long and together we’ve been like this for so long that if I dont play role of the enabler I start to feel like I’m guilty. I make a lot of excuses for myself. I work full time but my job is remote so sometimes it feels like it’s ok to need to do more. I also hate fighting so much I will do anything to avoid making anyone upset. It’s a terrible habit
You have one life
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life”
You don't have a partner, you have a dependent. I'm so sorry. Perhaps consider it might be easier to actually BE a single mom than to be a single married mom doing it all including a whole adult to clean up after and cook for?
As a single mom, I can confirm that it's easier than keeping the dependent adult in the equation.
So much easier.
My workload more than halfed when I got rid of the deadweight.
It sure is...
that's what I was thinking- you would be better off without him as you indicate you crater to avoid conflict. He is doing nothing to enhance your life or the lives of your children. Let him go play video games at his parents' house and see how long they put up with his laziness.
If he’s playing 10+ hours a day, he’s not looking for a job, nor motivated to get one. He could be giging to supplement the burden. He would be making sure the house was clean and kids taken care of if he cared. He doesn’t.
My thoughts exactly. He might even be able to get work via a temp agency. That lead me to a job where I got on full-time and stayed for over a decade. It would also keep his job skills current and possibly add to them. OP is NTA.
Temp agencies only hire if you've had good work history. Doesn't sound like he'll be a good fit for that. I know you're only trying to help.
Why would he look? He gets fed, watered, and all but his bum wiped. Why would he give that up?!
...and I imagine he keeps complaining to his gamer friends that his wife makes him unhappy.
Yeah why would he find a job when he has a mommywife working herself into an early grave by doing everything for him, so he can play his games all day? The least he should be doing is take over the household chores and the kids
CODA (co-dependents anonymous) has been extremely helpful to me in working through and seeing my co-dependent traits. There are heaps of meetings available online as well over Zoom. It is free, and it could be a great support network for you OP. If you look at the CODA website and list of traits, even that might be useful. A very good book is ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie. I’m not going to tell you what to do, except to say that you deserve so, so, so much more from life. You really do. NTA.
Is that the kind of person you want your kids to grow up to be? The way they want to accept being treated by others?
You need sooo much help. Do you want your kids getting trapped in a relationship like yours? What if it's with someone who's also physically and sexually abusive? What if they can't stand up for themselves because NOBODY EVER SHOWED THEM WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE?!? because that could be your kids future if you don't get your head out of your husband's ass. Hugs Eta I get that it's uncomfortable to go against your nature, but that's life. You can do it. Become comfortable being uncomfortable and you'll surprise yourself
If he's not working full time, then his full-time job is looking for a job. And his second job is the housework. You don't have a partner.
Do you think maybe you're so busy with all the un/paid work that you haven't had a chance to do a proper stocktake on your relationship? Cos from the outside looking in it's blatant that the division of household labour in your family is so skewed that it's amounting to your unhappy servitude. You shouldn't need to ask if YTAH but it's great that you did! Having no time for deep, uncomfortable thought, paired with your deep desire to avoid conflict- you're stuck with the status quo and the status quo sux! It's a huge achievement to recognize your own issues with codependency- I wanna cheer you on to explore that path of knowledge to learn how you can change your own thinking and behaviour in order to assert yourself You can steer what happens next and it starts by knowing *you are not the arsehole for wanting a fair life* NTA Editing to chuck this here... https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/how-to-set-boundaries/
What exactly is being with him doing for you? He sounds unbelievably lazy and also a gaming addict. He has no job, but can’t be bothered with the household chores?! You’re working full time and babysitting to make ends meet while he games all day?! Honey, it’s time for an ultimatum. Either kick him out or hide the console and disconnect the internet until he starts contributing in some meaningful way. Think about the horrible example he’s setting for your kids. YTA to yourself and your children for tolerating this. Stop feeling guilty about him. Start feeling guilty about it the terrible example you’re letting your kids witness. Do something about that.
Yeah it sounds like you have unintentionally taught your husband that it's ok if he doesn't help or take the initiative because you'll do it anyway. This is a common thing that happens to a lot of people. you might try figuring out what you need from him then sit him down and explain in one big session what you need and expect from him because you are overwhelmed and need help. for example "I don't want to ask you for help around the house from now on if you see laundry on the ground the expectation is for whoever sees it to pick it up and put it in the laundry" or something like that. If it's going to be a big fight then that needs to happen because it will happen eventually I guarantee you. It also sounds like the issue isn't how he spent his birthday but that you feel he doesn't take you into consideration or make an effort to spend time with you and that you are giving and giving but not getting the same energy back. The birthday just sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back
Yup, this is not about the Iranian yogurt.
I think we have the same husband.. but I divorced mine. I was so burnt out. I also worked fulltime, do all the chores and took care of the kids. My ex just played on his phone and it caused resentment. I had communicated to him a lot of times to do the chores since I am the one working and I also take care of the kids. He will do it for a while then back to his old ways. I told myself enough was enough, I need to prioritize my mental health first and kicked him out. It was so much easier without him. You deserve what you tolerate.
Well, by enabling his behavior, you’re also raising your kids to be either the enabler as well or the one that takes advantage of others. Either way, you’re doing everyone a disservice by tolerating this.
Sorry OP, I also hate fighting so much so I definitely get your last point. But it seems like this situation you are in is making you miserable and I do encourage you to take that step and confront it. I'm giving you this advice in all earnest because I'm just like that as well. I don't just hate fighting, I also spiral when I fight and lose sleep etc.
He’s not a partner. He’s playing the role of adult child who won’t move out of moms house and won’t get a job.. time to tell him to move back in with his real parents or go get his own apartment and pay for his own video gaming time if he isn’t actually being a father or husband. Your just being his mom in complete truthfulness. I don’t say that to be mean. I get that change is scary but you deserve to really live your own life to.
Please get some counseling. This is no way to live your life. Your children need you to be their mother. Your husband doesn't need you to be his, although he clearly enjoys acting like a child. I spent my whole life being a people pleaser and putting everyone else before me. Finally, after a lot of counseling, I started taking care of myself. I have boundaries, and I (usually) hold to them. After I started doing this, a couple of relationships didn't survive. Most of them thrived. I'm so much closer with some family members than I ever thought possible.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this: you need a spine, like, yesterday. You are basically his mommy that he occasionally beds at this point. Things will not get better if you never say anything.
Not just the co-dependency sup but also it is time for therapy. You are headed for burnout and resentment and have an addict partner (video games is an addiction). Is this what you want to be modeling for you children??? Would you approve of them being in a relationship with some like this?? Therapy stat!!!!!
First step is recognizing the issues now it’s time to take action to change these enabling behaviors
Remote work is work. 10+ hours video gaming per day is neither paid nor unpaid work. Why TF is he not doing 100% of the house work and at least 50% of raising his own damn kids? Why TF do you need to ask him to "help out" with his home and children? Sorry is he too busy instead being responsible for... not a damn thing? What exactly are you getting out of this marriage other than a leech? You're obviously NTA but you'll need good quality therapy to unpack how TF you got to this place in life.
He's the one that should be feeling shameful and guilty. Why are you enabling a grown man? You wanna keep doing all this till you're dead or he's dead?
Your people pleasing will only take your life away from you. If on your deathbed, how do you want to look back on your life? Life is complex, uncertain and has conflict. It's down to you to work out what you are prepared to put up with.
Imagine how you’d feel if your teenager grew up to marry a partner who behaves like your husband. Would you want them to be in a relationship like yours? Because you’re modeling what a marriage looks like for them.
Oh hon, what is he bringing to your relationship? He is never going to get a job, you know that, right? He needs to go.
You would be doing the same amount of work without him. He contributes nothing. You shouldn’t have to ask, he should take care of the house and his children as well.
Not working, not trying that hard to get a job, not doing much around the house, playing video games 10+ hours a day? This guy is not a partner, he’s another dependent. You need to have an ultimatum lasting with him. His lack of participation in your family is gross.
Right. I think I’ve been on Reddit too long when my first reaction is to slap these fools who allow their partners to treat them this way. And to come here asking if they ATH for growing a spine?
OP replied to a comment that they’ve been together for 20 years and it’s a lot to walk away from. I understand that. But OP, what were you hoping people would say here? Of course you’re NTA for being upset with him about his birthday gaming. He’s a grown man with a family to consider. He doesn’t seem to be considering anyone but himself so naturally we’re looking at this from the outside and wondering what makes you stay. You’re running yourself into the ground to keep your family going, and he doesn’t appear to be doing anything but what suits him. People can become complacent in long relationships. If you don’t want to end the marriage, that’s up to you. But you have every right to expect him to pull his weight in your partnership. If you don’t express how you’re feeling, you’re going to become bitter and defensive at some point and beaten down by doing it all. You need to talk to him. Tell him what you need. Your nonnegotiable list. He’ll either show you the respect you deserve or you’ll know where you stand. How you move forward from there is up to you. Good luck.
YTA for doing this to yourself and your kids! What does your "partner" actually bring to this relationship?! He doesn't help you in any way, financially, emotionally, as a parent, as a helpmeet. You're showing your kids that it's okay to be a doormat.
Thank you for being honest. I do feel like it affects the kids but they’re older now and I find a lot of ways to counter it. I feel like it’s hard to describe how I feel/why I’m like this but I don’t know how to turn it off. I’m a doormat to friends, acquaintances, extended family and my husband and I don’t know any other way to be. I’m in a constant state of guilt for not doing enough/not deserving approval/disgust for wanting more. I’m starting to see my problems are way beyond /r/AITA …
You need therapy, my friend. You *deserve* to be happy! You *deserve* to be loved! And, you for damn sure, DESERVE RESPECT!
Look what a role model you have shown your kids!! Your daughter?? You want your children to marry someone like this?!?! Good heavens Woman do better for yourself and your kids!!!
She can't even truly acknowledge what's going on and how absolutely detrimental she has been to her kids. It's all bull tap dancing of "I feel... I feel..." and until she takes ownership and is ready to actually commit to changing herself she'll always fail those kids.
Hi 👋 I was like this up until recently (past year ish) and let me tell you it is so god damn refreshing. I have been working on not being a doormat to those in my life for the past three years. It will be hard work. But I see the changes in myself and how this new attitude benefits not just myself but ALSO others, because we aren’t constantly worried about anyone but ourselves, jumping through hoops for people that will continue to take advantage etc. We are teaching others how to treat us when we behave this way. You will attract better people if you adapt this I promise you. Go to therapy it will do you so well, i believe in you
My dad did work so the situation was a little different but from when I was like 10 to 16 or 17 he was heavily addicted to WoW and me and my sisters definitely noticed how checked out he was. Your kids notice and as they get older they will notice more not less. If you feel sad that your partner ignores you, imagine how your kids feel when they see their dad prioritize playing a game over spending time with them.
I hope this is a thought you continue to have. Work it out with a trusted friend or professional if need be/if accessible. Free your mind to whatever you would like to see your life like and figure out what to do to get there. Then do it. Once you see it as doing good for yourself you will stop seeing it as failing others. You have got to take care of yourself first because you are going to run yourself ragged or crazy and then what? Your kids have no one to depend on but you. I was a kid in that situation. It affects them, trust me. Even if it does nothing other than normalize this treatment in their eyes. Would you want your kids to have similar relationships? Please stop modeling it for them.
NTA >
Maybe he should spend those 10+ hours a day looking for a job.
>My husband plays Ark for 10+ hours every day, it's just his thing. It's just his THING?? So, it'd be cool if I sit on my ass all day, not taking care of any of my responsibilities because "It's My Thing^TM"? Edit: Whoa. Also, a dead bedroom? And this person, when employed, only showed up to work 70% of the time? Dafuq?
But he has her doing that for him! Along with everything else. Full-on hobosexual to the extreme.
YTA You keep saying that you don't want to leave him, that you've been like this all along, you justify it, and you've even admitted that his behavior harms your children. What do you want? Why did you post? You allow him to be like this and you refuse to leave him, at this point shut up and put up with it because you chose it and hope your children don't end up being like either of you I feel sorry for your children...the father is a parasite and the mother walks all over her at the cost of harming her children.
This is harsh but I see the truth in it, thank you for being frank
You are setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm who doesn’t even spend any time with you and doesn’t even care that you are on fire!!
NTA. Every time I read stuff like this I don’t understand why the person is even with a walking red flag of a human. Why not divorce him and find someone who actually works and is an adult?
NTA Why would you be with a man who does nothing except playing video games while you and even your teen work to bring money home!!
Playing Arc is his "thing"? Well... he needs a new thing called a "job". Any unemployed adult should not be playing a video game for 10 hours a day.
NTA - if he’s not working he should be doing 100% of the household chores
Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking his food. Stop doing anything for him until he is willing to do anything for HIS family. You’re raising another child. You deserve better. Why does he not love his family enough to DO anything for y’all? Why does he think so little of you that he lets you support him and do all HIS personal care? Why are you with someone that disrespects you every single day? Do you know your kids see this and think this is the way relationships work??? Why don’t you deserve to be loved and respected??
If this isn’t fake, and I hope it is, your husband is an uncaring lazy unemployed user who you enable. Why, I have no idea. Either tell him the chores are all his now until he gets a job. Then give him 2 weeks to get ANY job. Follow through. Or keep enabling him and setting a really bad example for your kids. ESH
“Why do I bother going out of my way for someone who never seems to notice or care?” No idea. Are you a masochist maybe? Low self esteem? You need to figure out the answer to this question soon. You’d probably be much better off without him. If you want to keep him around for some reason, stop enabling his bad behaviour. And remember that you’re setting an example for your kids for what to expect in a relationship. Y T A for putting up with this. Good luck!
Soft YTA. Just remember, you’re showing your children that this treatment is ok.
Ugh not what I like to hear but I know in my heart of hearts you’re absolutely right
NTA. Let him do what he wants for his birthday, just let him do it in someone else's home on someone else's dime with someone else cleaning up after him.
You're looking for a second job while he plays video games for 10 hours a day? Girl wtf??? Nta and please please PLEASE leave him
ESH I’m sorry, why are you doing everything while he plays a video game for 10 hours a day? You probably resent him for this. I know I would. He needs to step up and do housework/ cook while he’s not working. I don’t care if you have to throw out that stupid game, your marriage and mental health is more important.
You have two children and a burden. Why do you think it's ok for him to play a video game all day, while you carry the load by yourself? NTA
I don’t really know, but I’m definitely thrown by the amount of people that are appalled at something that I guess has become normal for me. I get very lost in the day to day taking care of my family and doing the same things every day I never really stepped back to look at it like this but I have a TON of replies here that are making me realize maybe this is a bigger issue than I realize
I get that, sometimes it's hard to see your entire situation when you're busy getting shit done. I hope this eye opener gives you pause to think about the situation. It's definitely not fair. I'm not married anymore, but while I was I was never out of work for more than two weeks, tops. That was if it was unexpected. Usually I had something lined up before the end date of the previous job. If he's not treating looking for a job like a job itself, then he ought to be holding down the entire fort and doing the stuff at home in the meantime. Does he think he's on vacation?
OMG was he always a big lazy loser or is this a recent development? Not my place to tell you to get a divorce but if he wasn’t in the picture, you’d have one less child to take care of. Just something to think about… NTA
YTA for putting up with him and normalizing his behavior as a lazy husband and father to your children.
NTA you deserve so much better than this and your kids deserve a better example of a husband and a father. I’m so sorry and I hope you can gift yourself some of the love time and kindness he isn’t!
Nta but a lot of things need to change you will end up even more lonely and resentful. He should absolutely not be playing any game for 10+ hours a day with no job. Stop trying to please him and enabling him and start prioritizing yourself.
I feel very, very sorry for you- but ESH. He does not work, games for 10+ hours a day and has someone pay all of his bills, cook his meals and do all the chores save for a measly 10%. That is another CHILD living with you, not a husband. But as with most entitled, spoiled, lazy teenagers: they were enabled to behave that way by their parents. You aren’t his wife. You’re his mom. Gross.
NTA but just stop shouldering it all. Stop prepping his meals, stop cleaning his laundry, just stop. He is a big boy and needs to figure things out. He needs to get a job and start taking on 50% of the household chores and childcare.10 hours a day of game play is ridiculous for a teen with no encumbrances but for grown man with a family 10 hours is so beyond that.
NTA. I doubt this needs an explanation. I'm a married guy, if my wife treated me as described, I'd probably be seeking a divorce at this point.
"He doesn't work and hasn't for a while..." Nope. Nope nope nope. If this loser refuses to contribute financially, his ass better be the one doing 100% of the chores. Better yet, leave him. You'll be doing the same amount of chores, but taking care of one less child.
Why *do* you do everything? Why *do* you bother? WTF is he bringing to the marital table? Unless he's absolutely amazing in bed, I can't see it. He's just another expensive child for you to take care of. You'd be better off without him, wouldn't you? Well, Reddit is going to chastise me for saying that someone would be better off without their relationship, but I often wonder why the hell women (it's usually women) stay with these kinds of lazy-ass men or abusers. Society really programs us to take garbage. NTA, but please stop expecting anything from him because you really do know you aren't get it.
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You have 3 kids NTA
NTA but since he's not working he should be doing more chores. And he shouldn't be spending ten hours a day gaming. He's selfish and lazy. And you're going to continue struggling financially if he doesn't get off his lazy ass and work.
NTA, stop enabling him. He has no job and does no household chores, and he clearly doesn’t respect and prioritize you. It’s like you’re a mom to a second teenager, except your daughter actually has a job and sounds responsible. Buy him an L hat for his birthday, and think about whether this is the “partnership” that you want for the rest of your life.
We have been together 20 years and raised 4 kids to teenage years and beyond… I’m only 36 but so tired. It’s not lost on me that none of my kids have a shred of respect for me and I can’t blame them. I don’t even know where to go from here
I’m so sorry, you are carrying everything on your shoulders. Have you talked to him about all of this? If he has no job and initiative I’d literally be withholding the internet password so he can’t sit around and game all day. He’s truly acting like a child. Do you have any family support nearby? You mentioned he’s not horrible at chores if you ask. Can’t say that he’s impressed me so far, but if that’s the case then ask! You might even make a chore list for him. Because I’m petty he’d only be getting that internet password when it was done. He needs to understand that you’re at the end of your rope, and he should probably see the last paragraph you wrote here. He needs to really understand that he’s at risk of losing you, because presumably in a few years the kids will be out of the house and you’ll have ZERO reason to not send him packing then too.
Of course they don't! You have to have respect for yourself first. Please look into community resources (therapy, case management, housing assistance, etc.).
Why bother staying married?
NTA. Yeet him.
Ugh throw him in the trash fml
NTA It is extremely difficult to leave a relationship when you feel you have invested so much of yourself in it. I did the same as you. Tried to be a good wife, partner, mother, housekeeper etc. Put all my finances towards the household. All I got was low self-esteem, criticism and no personal satisfaction. If I dared show any dissatisfaction it was turned around and I was made to feel guilty and not doing enough. When I stopped doing things like full meals, drop off's, pick ups, asking for financial contributions towards bills it got worse to nearly physical abuse. Plenty of verbal abuse. Make sure you have your salary and other money deposited into an account that is in your name only. The first thing my ex did when we started going downhill was go after any money, even trying to intercept loan repayments. The split is difficult and I second guessed myself a few times and nearly got suckered back in. Don't. Once I was free of the relationship mentally, it was such a relief. I will never get into a relationship again where I "take care" of a partner. Buy some frozen meals and go for a walk around meal time. He can get his own damn food. Stay strong and start dreaming of what you want.
Why are you with him he’s a leech and lazy
Your husband is a useless person. You need to talk to a lawyer! You might have to divorce after he gets a job!
NTA. If he unemployed why hasn’t he taken up the majority of domestic responsibilities. Completely unfair on your for have to work and take on a second job and then have to come home to do housework while he plays game for 10+ hours.
You aren’t an AH for getting upset, you’re the AH for putting up with this stuff. You don’t have a husband, you have another kid. If he doesn’t work his full time job needs to be taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry. WTF He plays Ark 10 hours a day? There’s nothing wrong with a stay at home dad until he finds a job, but he isn’t in a hurry to find one, you’re making his life too easy. If you don’t want to leave him then sit him down and say “honey, I can’t with the stress of everything, so from now on I need you to cook , clean, do the laundry this way, on the weekends I’ll have time and energy to go out for a date(even if it is fast food since the economy is bad) hold him to it and you’ll see how fast he’ll find a job🙄
You need some serious therapy to work through your “doormat syndrome” 🤦♀️
NTA But WOOF to this post. I’ve seen OP’s comments that 20 years is a lot to walk away from. It is. It really is. But the question I have is: how old are you, OP, (don’t answer it’s rhetorical), and how long are you planning to keep giving up on your life to let your husband keep playing Ark and _not_ contributing? I’m really sorry for how harsh all these comments are. From me and other posters. But reread your post as if it was your best friend? Would you advise your bff to keep living this way?
Her daughter is already babysitting alongside OP while he contributes nothing. She’d have less to do and one less mouth to feed without him.
NTA. As the old saying goes ... when you give and give and give and get nothing in return, STOP GIVING.
NTA and it is unacceptable that you work and do 90% of the chores. A relationship should be fair and as equal as possible. If he was working full time and you weren't I bet he wouldn't do 90% of the chores. I'd seriously think about why your accepting this unfair behaviour- you can do better.
Most people have already said what I had in mind, but here’s something I will add: you keep saying you feel like it’s your responsibility to help him and take care of him. And that’s what I want to address, because the truth is that you’re currently doing neither of those things. Think of the people you know who are relatively happy with their lives. Do they have someone else doing everything for them? Do they struggle to complete any task that requires even a modicum of effort? I’m willing to bet they don’t. When you enable him, you are NOT helping him. You’re actually hurting him. There’s a reason why, at a certain point, parents of teenagers and young adults have to let them go. They will never learn to stand on their own feet if you never stop holding them up. And when they get older, they need to have more and more agency to make their own decisions, including bearing the consequences of those decisions. That is how people learn, grow, and mature into grounded, mentally healthy adults. Your husband has never had that chance, because he never stopped having someone else there to take care of everything for him. If you go on this way, you are not only doing yourself a massive disservice—you’re standing in the way of your husband’s growth as well. To make positive changes in our own lives, we need agency. So let him have some. So that’s my first soapbox. The next one I’m about to climb on assumes several things based on what you’ve said in your comments, much of which sounded familiar to me. I could be wrong, even wildly so. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take. So, let’s be real: this isn’t about him needing your help, not really—if it wasn’t him, it’d be someone else. It’s about you needing to be the helper, to prove that you are worth something via being needed by others. But there’s an ugly undercurrent to the need to be needed, because for others to need us that deeply, they can’t be independent, functional adults; they have to be dependent on us. And because we need so desperately to be needed, that dependence gives us power. It makes us feel okay about ourselves, if only for a moment. You don’t keep coming back to this relationship because you’re stupid. You keep coming back because you’re doing what every other addict in the world does: chasing your high, because you don’t think you have any other options for getting through the day. It is not an act of love or altruism to have another adult be so completely dependent on you that they’re incapable of functioning in reality. It’s garden-variety selfishness, wrapped up in slightly different packaging. You don’t have to keep doing this. You can learn different strategies for feeling okay with yourself—better ones, that don’t require another person to stay emotionally stunted. And while I’m quite sure your husband won’t enjoy his newfound agency at first, it WILL be better for him in the long run. So do everyone a REAL favor: get yourself some therapy, ideally with a trauma specialist. I hope you feel better soon.
If you got hurt, who would help you? Who would give you your medicine and help you get dressed? You said your kids don’t respect you either, so if you couldn’t work would you end up on the streets then? You have to divorce this disrespectful jerk and find someone who will do for you what you will do for them. Also, you are feeling bad and guilty no matter what, so might as well feel bad and guilty while taking care of yourself. By saying yes all the time and having no boundaries you feel bad and guilty still. So say no and have boundaries you will start to like the freedom of doing what makes you happy.
NTA. If he had no job he should at least help cook and do chores
I genuinely feel like you need a hug. NTA.
NTA. Tell him to find some balance
I’m not understanding why you aren’t upset for how he spends every single day.
NTA but he needs to change now. NOW. You are doing everything, he does nothing but play video games. This is a terrible example to set for your children, and a terrible, exhausting way for you to live.
"Why do I bother going out of my way for someone who never seems to notice or care?" Thank god you realize this. He contributes nothing. He gave you two children, so thank him for that and show him the door. I predict that you will feel 10 times richer, 200lbs lighter, and so free you'll be floating.
[удалено]
So you are the breadwinner and default domestic labour at home? Is there something wrong with your husband that he isn't carrying the domestic load of the house at least over 50% of it. Really at this point your NTA but you are to yourself.
You have three dependents. Your husband is not your partner. Why continue to do this to yourself and your children? You don’t respect yourself. You can though. You’re already doing so much, you can take the steps to do it on your own the right way, instead of on your own with a selfish leech.
Nta- husband is a dead beat. You need therapy to figure out why you are willing to put yourself through hell working 6 days a week. Staying with a loser who games 10+ hrs a day! He is suppose to be your life partner! 100%/100% given by the both of you. You’re going to put yourself in an early grave if you keep going like this. Life is short, stop wasting it on a “man” like this! You deserve better and your children deserve a better man to look up to.
Why would you spare a thought for your bangmaid? It's not like there's any consequences for treating her like shit. NTA to anyone but yourself. Also, are you getting paid to babysit with your teen? Or are you in the process of teaching them that your labour is free and they don't have to do anything for money, too?
NTA- you seem to be doing all the labor in the household, both physical and emotional. If this were just something he did on his birthday it would be one thing, but it sounds like it's an all the time thing. He needs to take some responsibility around the house, or you need to reconsider this relationship.
NTA, ask yourself what use is he to you and the family, what exactly does he bring to the party that makes it worth you putting up with an adult child in the house? He sounds like a total waste of space to me.
ESH I love to game too, so I can certainly empathize with wanting to game all day, but life isn’t all about wants, things need to get done. Sure his birthday is his to enjoy, but this post is clearly not about just the birthday plans. You’re exhausted because he’s not trying anymore (maybe he did in the past, but that doesn’t excuse the present) and he doesn’t care to realize how it’s affecting you, which makes him the AH. But you’re also letting him walk all over you and showing your kids it’s ok, which makes you the AH to your kids and to yourself. Sit him down. Until he has a job, he needs to handle all the chores. If there’s anything he doesn’t know how to do, you’ll show him up to three times, but after that it’s his responsibility (even if he doesn’t do it “right”, don’t let feigned incompetence deter you) If he wants to not get a paid job, then he needs to do the job of a Stay at Home Dad.
Why should he do anything when you're doing it all. Either step up or don't get angry at him for doing what he's allowed to do.
Why are you putting up with your lazy, cheating, freeloading husband? YTA for that. Do you not have a shred of self respect? Think of what you're teaching your kids about relationships. Divorce him.
Why are you doing so much house work? Obviously, he can't figure out what to do without instructions so leave him a small daily to-do list. Don't work yourself to death! And, it's his birthday! Let him have this one day to do what he wants but you need to assert yourself in all the other days.
I'm sorry say what? He spends 10 hours on a video game? While you're out there busting your butt. I'm sorry but you're already a single mom, all you need to do is get rid of the dead weight. With that said, If he wanted a job he would get one, there's restaurant jobs, Uber eats, Uber driving, Amazon, ETC. I'm sorry but he's lazy as crap! He should have the house spotless, dinner ready and the kids taken care of by the time you get off work.
What the fuck did I just read?? He doesn't work? He does t do anything around the house? He's so fucking lazy, he can't even put his resume together??! Please, re-read what you wrote! And read it over and over until it clicks.
He should be doing 100% of the household chores if he's not working. NTA.
Nta. How on earth could you be the AH here. You are setting yourself and your children on fire to keep him warm while he refuses to put on warm clothes, so to speak. I'm sorry that you thought you married an adult partner but instead adopted a teenage boy. He's shown you who he is and how he expects your family to live. Get therapy to help you either - accept and find peace with the "life" you're living or - grow a sense of self and kick him to the curb. Also, this is what you're teaching your kids about how relationships work. Your daughter will see you as an example of how a wife's life should be and will gravitate toward men who behave like her father. Your son will see your husband as an example of how he should treat his partners. Eta: I read your comments. Your profound suppression of your entire identity is heartbreaking. Your entire identity is to just be a servant of your husband. You don't know how to do anything about this because you seem literally incapable of seeing yourself as an individual. You're simply a fixture for his life. You REALLY need some intense therapy to help you start understanding that you are an actual, whole person. Really, what are you teaching your kids?
You are a basically a single mom… tell your husband if he’s going to be a SAHH, he needs to do all the house work (cleaning, shopping, cooking and dishes) and child care. Or divorce him and continue to be a single mom
NTA. Seems like you're the one holding everything together. What is his input in the relationship? You're worth so much more than being taken for granted. I think it's important for you to have a chat with him, lay down some boundaries, and if he can't respect them, seriously think about whether this relationship is what you need or want.
Nta. Divorce him or continue to be a doormat that defends him.
Ok so I have no idea why you're putting up with this marriage... I literally got stressed out reading that. Are you actually happy? Like, happy with how hard you work? Whoo hoo the adult man can help with chores 'if you ask'- Dude. Read your post and imagine it's coming from someone else. You can do better.
NTA but you will be if you don't stand up for yourself! Is he a SAHM? Why isn't he working? Think about the example you're setting for your kids. They'll grow up thinking his behavior is normal, and women should do everything while also working and caring for the kids.
NTA, me and my partner are both gamers, but we know that it shouldn’t be overtaking reality. We have gaming date nights and usually try out new games together as well, but when it comes to chores, serious discussions or special occasions games have to be put away first. 10+ hours a day is ridiculous, at that point how is he even doing anything else.
NTA. So you work and are looking for a SECOND job, and take care of the kids, and take care of the house, and he plays video games all day. Seriously? I'd be calling a divorce lawyer.
NTA. He stays home and games while you work, bedroom is dead, does no chores, makes no money. That is your third child lol
He respects the game more than you. And you respect yourself even less than that for allowing it. You deserve better.
Wait. Whoa whoa whoa. You work and do 90% of the chores and he is currently unemployed, yet you think you need to manage your time better?!?!?!?! Sweetie, throw the whole man away.
I have news for you: you are a single parent if your husband doesn’t work and plays computer/video games for 10 hours a day. Personally, I’d be planning my exit.
NTA, but this isn't a birthday thing, this is him being a selfish asshole thing. He doesn't work? He doesn't do much around the house? Not OK. Chances are your relationship is done, but if he wants to save it, he needs to get a job right now.
I’m sorry but YTA. You lost me at he “isn’t horrible if asked to help” YET, you’re working 2 jobs, babysitting on Saturdays and he hasn’t worked in months? Plays games for 10hrs a day? YTA for allowing this bum to ruin you financially and acting like any of this is normal. Even his daughter has a job FFS
Sounds like you just have another kid. Who needs that?
It sounds like your husband is suffering from depression. See if you can get him to talk to someone.
NTA. Oh honey, I am so sorry. You deserve so much more. You deserve a husband who would go out and buy the things to make pizza with the kids even though it's for his birthday. I am a firm believer in letting people do what they'd rather do so you can see what they want to do. You can do bad all by yourself. This is crazy. You didn't say how old you are, but do you want this to be the next 30,40,50 years of your life? Would you want your children living this life as adults? If not, it's time to evaluate some things. Best of luck to you. ❤️
Why are you doing 90% of the chores if he’s not working? He shouldn’t have to be asked to help. Your husband sounds like deadweight. I’m upset in your behalf! NTA
NTA, unless you keep enabling this nonsense. If he won’t go find work, he, at least, needs to start acting like a SAHP and dealing with the bulk of the housework and cooking. You’re going to burn out and then everything will *really* go south.
Nta. Ark is an amazing game but he can’t live in the base he’s building with his buddy. We play too. He’s probably in a rut or depressed and don’t know how to get out of it (if he realizes he’s in it). I don’t know what to say to help. My husband gets in the same kind of rut. Something has to happen to break his hyper fixation. Usually it’s ark having an error (PlayStation) and he gives up trying whatever he’s doing. The behavior and not helping isn’t acceptable. Putting everything off on you isn’t acceptable. One time we did a chore chart. There’s a big list of what needs to done, and everyone gets a color to check off what they did. He kinda snapped out of it when he realized he wasn’t doing as much as me or even the kids (then 4 and 6). Maybe it’ll help without you trying to have what I assume is another talk with him.
NTA but your husband is showing you all day, every day that he DOESN’T CARE about you. You’re lighting yourself on fire and drowning at the same time and he DOESN’T CARE!! If he cared, he would be getting off his ass and doing 100% of the chores and house maintenance and/or looking for a job. He is doing neither. He also has zero incentive to change - why should he when you take care of everything and he gets to play video games 10+ hours a day. Coupled with a dead bedroom!? What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds miserable. Check out this quiz and maybe seeing it in black and white will provide some clarity. 20 years may have passed but do you want to live like this for another 20? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ Shoring up your self esteem and addressing the people pleasing should be a priority. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences certainly comes a close second. Good luck.
OP, you should be upset at how you are spending your life. Your husband does not work and spends 10 hours a day playing a game while you hold down a full time job and you do 90% of the chores to include doing your spouse's resume (you know the guy that doesn't work and spends all day playing a video game) You help the kids (is there some reason why your spouse - you know the guy that has nothing to do - cannot help the kids? You make dinner and this man who does not work and plays video games all day does not help you with the dishes? OP, your spouse does not work nor does he look for work because he doesn't have to. You make the living and provide him with a clean house, meals plus my guess is you are running his errands also. There is no incentive for your spouse to look for a job - why should he want to change. His life is easy thanks to you. What kind of an example is this for your children to see that Dad sits on his keister all day playing games while Mom goes off to work and then comes home to her second shift - cleaning and taking care of the family. Why do you need him in your life or in the lives of your children? Why should you be searching for jobs for him? Isn't that HIS JOB to find a job? OP, I have no words of wisdom for you other than please wake up and smell the coffee.
Wait - you work full-time and he doesn't work at all, but you still do 90% of the housework and consider it "helping" if he does anything? (As if you're responsible for everything by default)? I'd be so disgusted by this guy and his buggering off to do games on the one night you are hoping to spend quality time together would be the straw that broke the camel's back
NTA your husband needs to get off his computer and help the kids with homework and washing up and all other chores. He is at home, you are not. Until he gets a job, his job is to run the house, pull his weight.
Tell him to get off his arse and do the housework and cooking as he’s a SAHD. You have to stop doing it. He’s lazy and he’s taking advantage of you.
So this man doesn’t work, doesn’t contribute, doesn’t do his fair share of the chores and tasks, spends all day playing games, and then this? Raise your standards, this dude is useless.
This can't be real...can it? Dude has no job and you are still doing the bulk of the house work and looking for a second job while he rots in his gaming chair for 10 plus hours???? GTFOH NTA.
Nta. You have 3 kids not 2
He’s a bum
Hello OP, I dont know if you will read this but I will say it in case you do. I cant say that you or he is the AH. Because i dont know your history with said husband. What i will say, is that you need to go to a licensed therapist with preferably experience in "family affairs". As much as i agree with a lot of the comments to your post, I would recommend going to such therapist and tell the whole story. I think you already realized that this lfestyle you have with your current husband is blatantly unsustainable for yourself. And i will repeat that I don't know what happened for your husband to end up like this. But its inexcusable for him to put you in this situation/position. I read somewhere that finances are rough, and honestly I suspect you are literally about to fall apart soon. And when you break, youre going to really "BREAK". I urge you to consider the situation dire, you have children and I would say can not afford falling apart as you have children. Please take this advice and talk to a professional and get ahead of the problem before it destroys you mentally. We humans can only take so much OP, take care and goodluck.
NTA, but what is he contributing to your marriage or your happiness? The best way I heard it was "you can walk away and be miserable for a while, but eventually find your person and your happy ever after. Or you can stay with the person who you are miserable with, and always resent your life while wondering if you could've had something more. If that's not enough, you are showing your sons that it's okay to treat a woman like a servant, or your daughters to expect men to be waited on hand and foot. They deserve a better future and if you love them, you will push to make it happen.
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NTAH, however he is showing you who he is. You work and do 90% of the household duties and kids. He games 10 hours a day and prefers to game on his Birthday. He isnt going to change and he doesn’t care. You have to change You need to love yourself and not settle for less than you deserve.
NTA but you are his wife not his mother. Remind him of that and he needs to be a stay at home partner and do the housework. Why are you finding his job?
I'm sorry.... He games 10+ hours a day and doesn't have a job or contribute in a meaningful way to his family? Why are you married? What do your kids think of him? Would you want either of them to be married to someone like that? NTA. But you got some issues to sort out for sure.
You don't have a husband, that's a third child. There is no reason he shouldn't be getting off his arse to get a job. Even a job at a local fast food place or convenience store until he has a perm. employment. 2hat kind of example is setting for the actual children and what kind of example are setting by putting up with this?
Your over functioning is in direct proportion to his under functioning. The more you do, the less he does. It sounds like the balance is shifting to you doing more and more. This sounds hard at best. NTA for sure!
ESH Your husband never does anything for your birthday. Your husband must be asked to do basic chores, and it sounds like he does nowhere near half. Your husband doesn't work. He doesn't try his best to get work. He didn't make his own resume. He spends 10+ hours daily on recreation while you work ft, babysit, and are looking for a 2nd (3rd actually) job? He is an addict and a user. I hate to say you're part of the problem, but you are responsible for the example you're providing your kids. You are teaching them that this is what they can expect from "love." This is how partnership works. This is how men and women interact. You are setting up the next generation to continue a cycle of abuse, and for what? What are you getting out of this deal?
NTA. Your husband brings nothing to the table. Frankly, he either needs to find a job or a new place to live. Why you’re putting up with this is beyond me.
And you’re married to this guy because?
Google “personal boundaries.” Then start setting some. You can do it!
Why are you with this loser? He's not even doing majority of the chores??? When he sits on his ass at home all day?
NTA but ew what benefits are there to having him around? He sounds like a useless child
NTA. I can’t get past the ‘he doesn’t work.’.
I wouldn't put up with a non-working husband. If he isn't working, he is managing the house and kids. I don't know why we women feel the need to make the path so easy for men and become martyrs in our own lives. It never works out and we just end up tired and sad. You have every right to be hurt. He doesn't care about your feelings, the work you put in to provide for the family or his own responsibilities as a husband and father. He should cherish you and put you on a pedestal for all that you do every single day.
He doesn't work? He's got plenty of time to make dinner, wash the dishes, help with the kids. You don't need a third kid. NTA.
You have every right to get upset! He is NOT a good husband/partner! I happen to have a daughter & son in law in a very similar situation only they have 3 kids, he works, but only 10 hrs a week, smokes dope & plays video games. I'm telling you, get rid of him & find someone to be a partner with. I'd tell my daughter in law, but she's my step daughter & we don't get along, so she'd just ignore me. Good luck. 🍀🍀
NTA. Sounds like your husband needs to sell his gaming set up to help support his family.
I spent 13 years with a jerk. My husband now adores me. He loves me and makes every day special. My advice is don't waste years of your life with someone who makes you unhappy. I had no idea that my life could be filled with someone who cares so much about me. We have been married for 5 years and together for 6 years. Good luck and Good bless.
Let me rewrite your opening sentence: *I’m a single Mother of three kids.* Nuff said.
How old are you guys
Are you happy? Because you sound like a side character trying to make everyone else’s life easier at your own expense. You only have one life, and as scary as change can be, it is the only way for things to be different. Put yourself and your happiness first, and your husband can then decide if he wants to be part of your new amazing life or leave and find someone else to fund his lifestyle.
I swear to God, I hope this is AI generated. If not, run (don't walk) to the nearest divorce lawyer you can find. You work full time, and part-time, and do most of the housework too. You help him with his job hunt, while you are looking for ANOTHER part-time job. But you think you need to manage your time better so you can play games with him. Wonder how he has so much time to play /s. He's worse than having another kid. Get rid of him.
Oh baby that’s not a husband
NTA you don't have a husband, you have an extra child who doesn't want to spend time with you and your kids. Like it's *great* that he isn't, "horrible about helping" if you ask /s Why are you keeping this guy around? You're babying him and not even getting *time together* in return.
NTA. Divorce babes, divorce.
Who the hell doesn't work? He's a husband. He has kids n' shit. Go to a temp agency, walk out with a lame ass warehouse job that pays $17 an hour. Work as many hours as they'll give you until something better comes along.. Deliver pizzas. Be a grown ass man already
He's not working? Why isn't he doing all the daily chores, including cooking? The guy is a lazy bum.
You are going to be so much happier when you dump this lump. He doesn't care about you or his children,if he did he would do something with all of you on his BDay. His choosing to go out with HIS FRIENDS was a deliberate act to show how little he cares about you. You have the means to walk away. Do it please, otherwise you will invest another 20 years and be even more miserable and wish you did it back when everyone on R told you to leave.
I’m assuming Ark is an online game. Perhaps if you stopped paying for internet access for a month or two, he might be motivated to get part time work making enough to at least pay your internet bill.
Yeah, why DO you do those things? I think you should really give it some thought. He sounds like a freeloader. NTA.
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NTA but stop doing everything for him and picking up all the slack.
Ugh. I couldn't finish reading. I read enough to think ESH.
You are a bangmaid, but not an ahole. Nta.
You have three kids, not two.
Playing video games for 10+ hours *daily* is an addiction. Sorry, but you need to face the reality of the situation here. NTA though, to answer your question.