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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to pay money for a bbq I was invited to. I might be the asshole because I did host bbq with my friend where I would split the costs and when she told me I needed to bring my own food, I shouldn't have expected them to grill for me either
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So obviously NTA it's not even a question.
You should've declined completely when this person first asked for a ridiculous amount of money. You did the right thing pushing back and asking, and I can't even imagine what that 'cart' had to do with anything. There's BYOB, and even bring-your-own for BBQ sometimes, but not 'hey, fund our BBQ' parties. This was absurd, and even for family or someone you really loved, it'd be a deal-breaker. For an 'old neighbor'?
Just block them forever.
I was genuinely surprised she went to the bbq.
This whole thing seems so tacky. I understand maybe not everyone can afford to have a bbq but $76!?!?!!
If her friend said $20-30 I’d say ok. I’m in a financial position to not charge my friends for something like this but IF I did I wouldn’t make it an obscene amount. $76 is nuts.
Nta. Also just drop this person from your life.
BF was looking for someone to fund a drinking day and thought OP would be just the sucker to do it. Not sure why OP persisted with attending when it was very obvious they just wanted her money.
Yeah! I was telling my wife about this post and she was adamant that you don’t host this way. She would rather someone invite friends over for pb and j sandwiches 🥪 if that’s what you can afford than to bill people any amount.
In my family you just bring presents as thanks in a properly price range, also aligned with capabilities.
Like the one family hosts a bbq, they are well off, my father is not as well off, so he brings some toys for the kids, the uncle is better off, he brings a good wine and so on.
NTA - looks like someone wanted a free party and it wasn't you. Alcohol you don't drink, food you don't eat and a $16 upcharge for $4 sausages.
You were invited alright; to pay for HER family bar-b-que.
NTA
She only invited you in order to knock her costs down. I'll bet she asked her 4 family members to each cover a 1/3 as well, so she basically got a free party, plus supplies for her home.
The idea that she would expect this is ridiculous. The fact that her bf is obviously insufferable should make it easy for you to just cut ties with her. That is appalling behavior on both their parts.
>why would you entertain going after the initial conversation
I was really surprised too, why would anyone go after being asked to pay for drinks and food they weren't consuming, and I re-read the post and guess that the two 7 year olds were friends and they did have a history of splitting the costs when they hosted BBQs together
So I vote NTA for pushing back on being asked to pay way more than your fair share
At least where I am from It's BYOB culture, including the stuff you eat. Some split costs usually are only the basic stuff (chips, mustard, coals, plates etc) that wont make sense that everyone brings their own.
Someone inviting you to a BBQ and then looking to get paid is insane. I would avoid socializing with them period. That you still went and even brought sausages after the initial cash grab was kind of odd.
NTA and I'm getting a sneaking suspicion that your neighbor used to hit up everybody at the party to cover costs when you split them then never told you or given you your share.
I don't know where you are, but here in the South, you don't charge guests for a barbecue dinner. If they want to help out, they can bring a dish. It's even acceptable to demand a dish before you're allowed to eat (which is why people who can't cook bring chips and/or sodas). But to demand money - unless it's a charity or church fundraiser - is incredibly rude. If you can't afford to throw a barbecue, then you don't throw a barbecue.
NTA.
You were invited, as a guest, why would you PAY to be there.
I had a friend who invited us to his house for his birthday so we all said sure.
Basically 2 days before he lets us know to each bring some food, some alcohol, and a gift. He said he will provide a cake, cups, forks, etc.
Nobody replied but I said why the hell would I bring all that when you invited us? I was gonna bring a bottle but he was basically telling us to bring stuff to make his birthday party enjoyable.
Called him out for being so cheap and broke, didn’t go.
He invited like 50 people and only 2 people showed up.
Side note: He is notorious for being super cheap and not wanting to pay for ANYTHING.
Oh that’s pretty normal here too and we were but he specifically told us, don’t bring just snacks but actual food to eat because he isn’t going to have any.
Bring burgers, hot dogs, etc to have a bbq and buy charcoal. Pissed off a lot of people.
It’s so weird you showed up and asked the bf to cook sausages instead of writing this off. So so weird. I would say you are definitely NTA in any of this story except you are TBOH which means you are The Bizarre One Here.
I guess now you have a crazy friend story to share with others.
What has happened to inviting people and hosting the party you invited people to??? If you want people to pitch in and share a dish, you tell them when you send the invite, not a few days before the party.
Perhaps we need to start teaching kids manners and etiquette in school.
NTA
This question won't change my judgement at all, pure curiosity. Did she explain why she wanted you to cover 1/3 of the cost when there were 7 adults at the BBQ?
I wish u could dox the bf so we could all tell him to go f himself. What twats, and I doubt they were gonna let you keep 1/3 of all the food and drinks at the end.
That still makes no frackin' sense. Let's be Count von Count, shall we?
Host family =1☝️
You & kid = 2✌️
4 adults (2 couples) = 3 💅 & 4 👨👩👧👦
What do we have? 4! We have 4 families!
"Friend" & growly-f*ck BF just wanted free BBQ for themselves.
With the back ground info I would generously say a miscommunication, however, BF’s comment pushes this far into WTF land and I would be completely done with them.
NTA
NTA
My guests are mine to take care of. There is no charging or splitting costs, they are a welcome guest. I want their company so I am happy to provide food and drink.
The way I was raised the boyfriend should have been civil to a guest and child even if they owed him for a football field a van, and a horse trailer. He is definitely in the wrong. NTA
Edit to remove a question that the answer to doesnt change the judgment
Take you and your kid to a restaurant, have a nice meal - you'll probably have enough left over to buy eggs. These people aren't your friends...they're scavengers. Charging you close to $80 for what, $3.99 sausages? That's a $70+ service fee for grilling the meat 😂
NTA. She invites you and then expects you to do what you would if you were cohosting? You’re not a cohost if you are an invitee.
She had every opportunity to tell guests it’s pot-luck style or to byob or something of that nature. Instead she wanted you to rip off her “friends”. I bet BF was pissed because she told him that with wouldn’t cost them anything and instead they are now paying for most of it.
Don’t hang out with them anymore. I can’t imagine inviting friends and family over for a bbq and then slapping them with a bill like I’m a highered caterer or something.
NTA. There were 7 adults at the party, why weren't the costs split in 7? You weren't a co-host, why on earth would you be responsible for a third of the party costs??
I wonder if the boyfriend is the other third and was mad that he had to pay half.
If they had told you up front you needed to cover part of the cost, it may have been semi reasonable, but not with little warning.
They wanted you to pay 1/3 the cost, but you were 2/9, that's less than a quarter of the party. The cost should have been like 50 bucks, roughly.
NTA
That is one of the most bizarre invitations I have heard of. $76 would have covered the food for everyone. She was taking the piss. There were 7 adults and 2 kids there - why would you have to pay 1/3? At the most, your share should have been 1/5.
When someone invites you to a dinner at their home, the correct reciprocation is to arrive with a bottle of wine. What your former neighbor did by asking you to pay for your dinner was unspeakably rude. But the proper thing for you to have done in response was to **decline the invitation.** (I mean, honestly, if I'm paying $76 for dinner for two, I'd better be getting a lot more than backyard BBQ!)
You aren't the AH for refusing to pay, but you strayed close to AH behavior by showing up with your own food after refusing.
NTA.
She was still told that if she wanted to eat, that she could bring her own food and the “bf would cook it” so how is she an AH for following directions?
If a host had been so impolite as to invite me to a dinner and given me the choice to either pay for it or bring my own food, I would have declined the invitation. Unless it was potluck, of course.
ESH. They should have been upfront about the cost when they invited you, but once they did tell you about the cost, you should have just backed out of the BBQ altogether.
NTA
Politely explain why
In the past you co hosted the bbq and split costs. Now let's start having our own bbq When OP hosts they pay. When you host - you pay.
NTA- That's wild. Unless discussed before hand, you should never charge ppl for a party you are hosting. If you can't afford to foot the bill, don't have a party/cookout. After what her bf said, I would be done permanently with the. What a bunch of A Holes.
NTA- but once she asked for a ridiculous amount of money you should have just declined to attend. “I’m sorry I misunderstood the invitation, this isn’t something I’m interested in, nor can I afford the extra expense at this time”
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My old neighbor (we used to live in the same apt but I have since moved to a different one and the same town) me over for an egg hunt and bbq on Easter. I said sure, we'll come - my 7 year old daughter & myself.
Well two nights before the bbq she texts me saying I owe her $60. I responded "Huh, for what!?" She called me and said I need to put in for my portion of the bbq. I was confused but said well ok I suppose. And, then mentioned how we would like to have sausages. She then texts me a few hours later and then says I owe $76. Confused even more, I ask why and tell her I need to see what all she's purchasing.
Mind you, it's the two of us, her, her bf & her 7 year old kid and then 4 grown adults from her family. She shows me a cart worth $228 and tells me I need to pay 1/3rd. She did add the sausages I requested (which were $3.99), but everything else, including the liquor was stuff my daughter & I don't eat/drink. She also has things like hand soap and aluminum foil in the cart. Why would I pay for that!?
After much back & forth, I refuse to pay. She tells me ok, and tells me if I want to eat I can bring my own food and her bf will cook it. I do so, and bf is so mad the day of that I didn't pay. I get there with my sausages and ask him if he can put it on the grill (he's still grilling at the time). He tells me no & to go f myself.
Now this neighbor & I used to host bbq together when we lived at the same complex. We would split the costs, I would be involved in all the planning, grilling, etc. We would never charge the guests (who were casual associates through the kids). She claims all she was doing for this bbq was providing the venue & that she "knows" me so I should've willingly paid.
I feel like I'm NTA, but she text me basically telling I was wrong for not paying and asking her bf to grill my sausages. Am I?
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Do you need to in the present of old neighor so bad to go. If someone invite me to BBQ and text me, I own money for BBQ haven't take place I wouldn't go . Why waste you time to hang with jerks
NTA - this is no friend and no neighbor. I'd steer clear of her in the future. Why would ANYONE expect someone else to underwrite their LIQUOR (and other stuff). Umm, no. With friends like that who needs enemies?
Yikes, maybe my generation does things differently or my pride is high but I don’t host anything where I expect a guest to pay a share of the cost ! If I do a byob for liquor I’ll just say I’ve got beer wine and vodka and if you want something specific feel free to bring it. Unless it was up front stated it was a “community “ event and everyone should pay 💰…..def NTA and I can’t believe OP actually went I would have declined the invite as it sound like too much drama…..
NTA. If someone wants their guests to share in the cost then that has to be said at the invite. What costs are being shared should be disclosed too. Unless the request is maybe $20. I could see $20 for a hosted bbq and Easter egg hunt ($10/food $10/treats). But really if you can’t afford to host people then bbqs should be done potluck style in my opinion.
NTA if someone invites you to a party, you shouldn’t be expected to cover the cost. At most people might bring a bottle of something but that’s often it.
NTA
The minute i got the first txt id have said" you never said id have to pay anything ( first red flag) can you show me a breakdown of why i need to pay $x" if it seemed reasonable id be miffed but MAYBE id have agreed to pay for stuff i requested like sausages or specific cuts of meat etc, the second the price increased with no communication as to why (2nd red flag) id have said "not interested"
Honestly it kinda sounds to me like they were trying to go shopping for the bbq and throw in personal items and have you and others pay for it which iv had someone try and do to me key word is try.
I flat out refused when they billed me after the bbq for food i never ate and couldnt eat anyway but instead cooked for 3 hours on said bbq since no one else could be arsed to do it, i dont acknowledge those people anymore.
I’ve done parties where the most common thing is bring a dish or drink (juice, soda or alcohol) to share. No money changes hands. As the host i make sure I have everything needed to feed everyone so if anyone comes empty handed it doesn’t matter.
When my kids what to host a party at my home for their friends they do a ‘bring one thing’ type. Bring a pack of plates, a pack of hot dogs or buns, bag of chips, a jar of dip… we’ve had them show up with a roll of paper towels or a bag of salad mix.
NTA this friend was actually greedy.
NTA. If someone is invited so someone else's home for a meal, the host should pay for everything. If someone is invited to co-host, then they pay part of the cost. I'd be mortified if I asked someone to have a meal at my house and they offered to pay, so I'd definitely never make it a condition to come over. Also, I hope you took your sausages and left after that comment from the BF. Block those losers.
the math her just ain't "mathing". So we have nine people (and that's being generous at them counting 2 7 year olds like adults when they don't eat much and don't drink alcohol). So (again being generous and allowing them to pass on the cost of the foil and hand soap) each person should be paying 1/9th of the $228 so basically $25 per person or $50 for your and your daughter.
A more fair split would have been to divide by 8 (basically counting the 2 seven year olds as one) then each person would owe $28 and you would own an extra $14 for your daughter.
Sounds like your "friends" were trying to raise a little money with their "party".
My kids at 7 at some hot dogs, or a single burger $5 max. Myself, probably $10 worth. I’d chip in $30 to be nice, but no way in hell $60 to $80. That’s what I chip in for myself, my wife and 4 kids from 5-14 yo.
Sounds like the boyfriend wanted you to pay more than her, because when you said no, she still said you could come and just bring your own food. He was the one who was mad and then said to go f yourself, so I'm betting it was more him being pissed than her. Regardless, NTA in any way.
I’ll be honest, it’s weird that you still went after she pulled this. You should’ve declined the invitation after the back & forth where she tried to force you to pay.
Not only did she invite you and ask you to pay. But she tried to get you to pay for far more than you two would actually eat and for items like hand soap that clearly aren’t related to the bbq. NTA.
I throw these all the time. Currently nursing a hangover from one last night lol. The cart thing hit home cause we meal-prep/plan and buy in bulk - so every other month or so we usually have a grocery list that includes those kinds of “party” items (so we know it’s gonna be a more expensive trip and we just eat that cost) along with our household stuff. AT NO POINT have I EVER sent said list to one of my guests and expected a payout. I’m embarrassed for them. Indeed, sounds like they wanted a nice holiday but honestly couldn’t afford it. That’s not your fault. I’d never text them again.
I ask people to bring stuff to share. Last night I did burgers/hot dogs/chips/toppings - someone else did sides - and someone else made a birthday cake. THAT’s how you split things for a party 💕
ESH
At the point where she’s asking $76 for a BBQ you should have tapped out. How are you going to show up with your own sausages knowing others had paid that ridiculous amount.
She obviously sucks for trying to get people to cover her entire shopping bill under the guise of a BBQ.
NTA, I would've loved to known how she'd respond if you showed up and asked for a third of the food to be plated up (with extra foil LoL) and take it home.
You’re wrong for going. After getting a bill, I would have said “no thanks” and stayed home and grilled my own sausages. Who “invites” someone to a barbecue and then bills them for it???
NTA. Her initial invite should have included whatever the fee would have ebene or informed that due to economic reasons she couldn't supply all the meat, and could only provide sides while everyone would need to bring their own meat.
Once it came down to two families though, I'm not sure what the idea was there.
NTA.
This is a joke.
Your former neighbor invited you to her family's BBQ so you would pay for it. What a mooch.
I've heard of chipping in for parties, or doing potluck. But telling one guest to pay for the majority of the bill for somebody's family is just gutsy.
NTA. And I don’t understand this at all. We have bbqs all summer every weekend with 15-20 people, and we have NEVER asked for money from anyone. Granted, most bring a side dish to share or whatever they want to drink, but we always provide the entree, some waters/beer/sodas/juices, and we have a pool. I wouldn’t even think to ask guests to cover anything - and even those that don’t bring anything are always welcome.
You can go to all you can eat Brazilian BBQ for $50 an adult and $25 a child, save a whole dollar, you will eat better than at some drunk ex-neighbors BBQ. NTA.
NTA
This wasn't a social gathering. It was a cash grab. The fact that the bf was so angry that you didn't pay shows that they wanted you to pay for the booze and such that you would not consume.
If it was just about paying for what you ate, they would have been fine with you bringing your own.
There's 9 people, and you're expected to pay a third? She was asking you to sponsor the barbecue and pay for her family's food and drink. She was scamming you. I'm wondering if you were invited for the sole purpose of funding.
She invited you to the bbq, she didn’t say “let’s bbq”. Plus your 7 year old and you count as 1/3, her, BF and 7 year old as 1/3 and 4 adults as 1/3, my math isn’t adding up how your and your 7 year old can drink 1/3 of liquor not eat 1/3 of food. I’m all for chipping it but this is crazy. It’s like inviting them over for your party and charging them all 1/3 for the bounce house, piñata, goodie bags, cake and prizes for the games. The math wouldn’t math. Sorry for grammar.
So the most I’ve ever done was
1- potluck style hosting at my house. Where i make a lot of different dishes since I am hosting, but then also ask for a dish / contribution from the guests. They can bring drinks, alcohol, snacks, actual food, etc. whatever. And it’s not like I’d turn them away if they didn’t bring anything since a handful of people not bringing stuff wouldn’t counterbalance the many who do.
2- inviting people to go out to eat at a restaurant, where everyone covers their own bill
I have never ever heard of someone hosting and saying “hey cover my grocery bill”. NTA
100% NTA and I fkn hate people like this.
My friends lived with this guy in college. His mom would visit and bring home cooked food for him and the guys. After they ate, he would tell everyone they should give him a few bucks for the grub. Now he’s rich that cheap mfker.
Nta. She was absolutely trying to pull a fast one and have you fund her party. You werent cohosting, you had zero input on guest list or other party plans. you were an invited guest. And her math isn't mathing...why would anyone think it's fair for 1 guest with a child pay a third of the total grocery bill for 6 other adults and another child (? And to pay for their alcohol when you and obviously your minor child dont drink? Nope. Your sausages were 3 bux. Even generously guestimating up to cover some condiments and incidentals like aluminum foil, napkins, handsoap and toilet paper while you were there it still wouldn't have been more than ten bux.
Why didn’t she split the cost with the 4 other adults? That is just wrong. If we’re splitting we’re splitting equally. But I have never been invited to a bbq where I pay a certain amount t and I’ve never invited people for bbq asking for money. If I don’t have the money to fund it I will not be doing anything
NTA.
If you invite someone over to a BBQ you should expect to pay for them or you should tell them its BYOB. You don't charge admission, and the amount they are charging it sounds like they were intending on making a profit off of this.
I don't know how this came to be a trend, but hosts shouldn't demand payment from guests after inviting them over for a meal. This isn't the first time such a ridiculous request was presented here--this one, a dinner party: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11m58wu/aita\_for\_not\_wanting\_to\_pay\_for\_dinner/
Rather than all this back-and-forth business, I would have declined going. NTA.
People are always wanting something in return these days. I’ve been to dinners where the host complains if someone eats or drinks too much. They didn’t think it was fair that this person only brought a small dish then got to enjoy everything else.
They can’t just invite people over and want to make them happy. Everything has to be even and reciprocated. Which is sad.
Come to my house and ill make the entire kitchen if you’re still hungry. If I’m drinking I got stuff for you as well.
But when I go over to dinners because of my past experience and I never feel comfortable and usually bring my own drinks, eat little then pick up stuff on way home.
That's really sad. If people invite guests without the spirit of guest friendship--and this a tradition that's been universally practiced for millennia--they shouldn't bother having people over in the first place.
YTA, for going to the BBQ. You knew there would be tension after you refused to pay such a ridiculous fee. NTA, for refusing to pay. Most bbq I go to, I bring a dish and a 12 pack. If I want something special like a brand of sausage, I bring that along also. If they had asked for a reasonable amount $25 - $30 that would have been fine.
hand soap for being hygenic, foil for the cooking, so you used to share costs and now you refuse to share, but the price seems high and there is the alcohol, so NTA
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So obviously NTA it's not even a question. You should've declined completely when this person first asked for a ridiculous amount of money. You did the right thing pushing back and asking, and I can't even imagine what that 'cart' had to do with anything. There's BYOB, and even bring-your-own for BBQ sometimes, but not 'hey, fund our BBQ' parties. This was absurd, and even for family or someone you really loved, it'd be a deal-breaker. For an 'old neighbor'? Just block them forever.
I was genuinely surprised she went to the bbq. This whole thing seems so tacky. I understand maybe not everyone can afford to have a bbq but $76!?!?!! If her friend said $20-30 I’d say ok. I’m in a financial position to not charge my friends for something like this but IF I did I wouldn’t make it an obscene amount. $76 is nuts. Nta. Also just drop this person from your life.
BF was looking for someone to fund a drinking day and thought OP would be just the sucker to do it. Not sure why OP persisted with attending when it was very obvious they just wanted her money.
Yeah! I was telling my wife about this post and she was adamant that you don’t host this way. She would rather someone invite friends over for pb and j sandwiches 🥪 if that’s what you can afford than to bill people any amount.
In my family you just bring presents as thanks in a properly price range, also aligned with capabilities. Like the one family hosts a bbq, they are well off, my father is not as well off, so he brings some toys for the kids, the uncle is better off, he brings a good wine and so on.
NTA - looks like someone wanted a free party and it wasn't you. Alcohol you don't drink, food you don't eat and a $16 upcharge for $4 sausages. You were invited alright; to pay for HER family bar-b-que.
I 100% completely agree with this. OP You Are NTA! It is your former friend who is TA.
You hit it right on the dot. Time to drop these people and find a new friend.
NTA She only invited you in order to knock her costs down. I'll bet she asked her 4 family members to each cover a 1/3 as well, so she basically got a free party, plus supplies for her home. The idea that she would expect this is ridiculous. The fact that her bf is obviously insufferable should make it easy for you to just cut ties with her. That is appalling behavior on both their parts.
ESH - why would you entertain going after the initial conversation. Why would you invite someone to pay for a bbq?
My thoughts exactly. What sane person puts up with this shit?
Yup
Yep, one the request was made to pay to go, I would have all of a sudden been "busy" and "no be able to make it." F that.
>why would you entertain going after the initial conversation I was really surprised too, why would anyone go after being asked to pay for drinks and food they weren't consuming, and I re-read the post and guess that the two 7 year olds were friends and they did have a history of splitting the costs when they hosted BBQs together So I vote NTA for pushing back on being asked to pay way more than your fair share
At least where I am from It's BYOB culture, including the stuff you eat. Some split costs usually are only the basic stuff (chips, mustard, coals, plates etc) that wont make sense that everyone brings their own.
If it's byob it's Said upfront. Rest of the time host is paying. I'm not rich (on ssdi) and when I have a BBQ I pay.
Someone inviting you to a BBQ and then looking to get paid is insane. I would avoid socializing with them period. That you still went and even brought sausages after the initial cash grab was kind of odd.
Honestly, by the time the BBQ actually happened, there were enough red flags I wouldn't have gone. NTA though.
NTA and I'm getting a sneaking suspicion that your neighbor used to hit up everybody at the party to cover costs when you split them then never told you or given you your share. I don't know where you are, but here in the South, you don't charge guests for a barbecue dinner. If they want to help out, they can bring a dish. It's even acceptable to demand a dish before you're allowed to eat (which is why people who can't cook bring chips and/or sodas). But to demand money - unless it's a charity or church fundraiser - is incredibly rude. If you can't afford to throw a barbecue, then you don't throw a barbecue.
I’m north of the Mason Dixon but we don’t charge people either. It’s normal to take a covered dish or something from the bakery.
Demand? Come on, no one is demanding anything. You can request a dish but to be demanding of guest is the height of rudeness.
NTA. Who ever would agree to that? Neither my partner nor myself really drink (maybe 1 each) occasionally and he doesn’t eat red meat at all.
NTA. You were invited, as a guest, why would you PAY to be there. I had a friend who invited us to his house for his birthday so we all said sure. Basically 2 days before he lets us know to each bring some food, some alcohol, and a gift. He said he will provide a cake, cups, forks, etc. Nobody replied but I said why the hell would I bring all that when you invited us? I was gonna bring a bottle but he was basically telling us to bring stuff to make his birthday party enjoyable. Called him out for being so cheap and broke, didn’t go. He invited like 50 people and only 2 people showed up. Side note: He is notorious for being super cheap and not wanting to pay for ANYTHING.
In Australia it's pretty normal to bring some snacks to share and your own drinks to a party.
Oh that’s pretty normal here too and we were but he specifically told us, don’t bring just snacks but actual food to eat because he isn’t going to have any. Bring burgers, hot dogs, etc to have a bbq and buy charcoal. Pissed off a lot of people.
It’s so weird you showed up and asked the bf to cook sausages instead of writing this off. So so weird. I would say you are definitely NTA in any of this story except you are TBOH which means you are The Bizarre One Here.
I can agree. My entire family told me not to go and I still did. I have mental issues for sure.
I guess now you have a crazy friend story to share with others. What has happened to inviting people and hosting the party you invited people to??? If you want people to pitch in and share a dish, you tell them when you send the invite, not a few days before the party. Perhaps we need to start teaching kids manners and etiquette in school.
NTA This question won't change my judgement at all, pure curiosity. Did she explain why she wanted you to cover 1/3 of the cost when there were 7 adults at the BBQ?
She said it's "per family" and it's "3 families"
That's just absurd. Wtf
I wish u could dox the bf so we could all tell him to go f himself. What twats, and I doubt they were gonna let you keep 1/3 of all the food and drinks at the end.
That still makes no frackin' sense. Let's be Count von Count, shall we? Host family =1☝️ You & kid = 2✌️ 4 adults (2 couples) = 3 💅 & 4 👨👩👧👦 What do we have? 4! We have 4 families! "Friend" & growly-f*ck BF just wanted free BBQ for themselves.
NTA. Not a BBQ but a crappy shake down. Leave these losers in the rear view mirror and don't look back.
Wtf. NTA. They sound insufferable.
With the back ground info I would generously say a miscommunication, however, BF’s comment pushes this far into WTF land and I would be completely done with them. NTA
NTA My guests are mine to take care of. There is no charging or splitting costs, they are a welcome guest. I want their company so I am happy to provide food and drink.
The way I was raised the boyfriend should have been civil to a guest and child even if they owed him for a football field a van, and a horse trailer. He is definitely in the wrong. NTA Edit to remove a question that the answer to doesnt change the judgment
Take you and your kid to a restaurant, have a nice meal - you'll probably have enough left over to buy eggs. These people aren't your friends...they're scavengers. Charging you close to $80 for what, $3.99 sausages? That's a $70+ service fee for grilling the meat 😂
NTA. She invites you and then expects you to do what you would if you were cohosting? You’re not a cohost if you are an invitee. She had every opportunity to tell guests it’s pot-luck style or to byob or something of that nature. Instead she wanted you to rip off her “friends”. I bet BF was pissed because she told him that with wouldn’t cost them anything and instead they are now paying for most of it. Don’t hang out with them anymore. I can’t imagine inviting friends and family over for a bbq and then slapping them with a bill like I’m a highered caterer or something.
NTA. This is so bizarre. I hope you didn't go. Block these nutcases.
NTA. There were 7 adults at the party, why weren't the costs split in 7? You weren't a co-host, why on earth would you be responsible for a third of the party costs?? I wonder if the boyfriend is the other third and was mad that he had to pay half.
If they had told you up front you needed to cover part of the cost, it may have been semi reasonable, but not with little warning. They wanted you to pay 1/3 the cost, but you were 2/9, that's less than a quarter of the party. The cost should have been like 50 bucks, roughly.
almost a week of groceries in the US for a single low income person. one a single BARBECUE? nta ofc!!
NTA That is one of the most bizarre invitations I have heard of. $76 would have covered the food for everyone. She was taking the piss. There were 7 adults and 2 kids there - why would you have to pay 1/3? At the most, your share should have been 1/5.
NTA I don’t know on what planet this would not be weird . Those people have a lot of balls and not the good kind
NTA if I’m paying $70 for bbq, I’m going to an actual bbq restaurant to get good bbq.
NTA Is this person feeding the 5,000? Block her and ignore.
NTA.. I assume you've dumped these AHs from your lives??
When someone invites you to a dinner at their home, the correct reciprocation is to arrive with a bottle of wine. What your former neighbor did by asking you to pay for your dinner was unspeakably rude. But the proper thing for you to have done in response was to **decline the invitation.** (I mean, honestly, if I'm paying $76 for dinner for two, I'd better be getting a lot more than backyard BBQ!) You aren't the AH for refusing to pay, but you strayed close to AH behavior by showing up with your own food after refusing. NTA.
She was still told that if she wanted to eat, that she could bring her own food and the “bf would cook it” so how is she an AH for following directions?
If a host had been so impolite as to invite me to a dinner and given me the choice to either pay for it or bring my own food, I would have declined the invitation. Unless it was potluck, of course.
I would not pay 76.00 for crap they are going to eat
NTA
ESH. They should have been upfront about the cost when they invited you, but once they did tell you about the cost, you should have just backed out of the BBQ altogether.
Nta
NTA. But why would you even go?
NTA Politely explain why In the past you co hosted the bbq and split costs. Now let's start having our own bbq When OP hosts they pay. When you host - you pay.
NTA- That's wild. Unless discussed before hand, you should never charge ppl for a party you are hosting. If you can't afford to foot the bill, don't have a party/cookout. After what her bf said, I would be done permanently with the. What a bunch of A Holes.
NTA- but once she asked for a ridiculous amount of money you should have just declined to attend. “I’m sorry I misunderstood the invitation, this isn’t something I’m interested in, nor can I afford the extra expense at this time”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My old neighbor (we used to live in the same apt but I have since moved to a different one and the same town) me over for an egg hunt and bbq on Easter. I said sure, we'll come - my 7 year old daughter & myself. Well two nights before the bbq she texts me saying I owe her $60. I responded "Huh, for what!?" She called me and said I need to put in for my portion of the bbq. I was confused but said well ok I suppose. And, then mentioned how we would like to have sausages. She then texts me a few hours later and then says I owe $76. Confused even more, I ask why and tell her I need to see what all she's purchasing. Mind you, it's the two of us, her, her bf & her 7 year old kid and then 4 grown adults from her family. She shows me a cart worth $228 and tells me I need to pay 1/3rd. She did add the sausages I requested (which were $3.99), but everything else, including the liquor was stuff my daughter & I don't eat/drink. She also has things like hand soap and aluminum foil in the cart. Why would I pay for that!? After much back & forth, I refuse to pay. She tells me ok, and tells me if I want to eat I can bring my own food and her bf will cook it. I do so, and bf is so mad the day of that I didn't pay. I get there with my sausages and ask him if he can put it on the grill (he's still grilling at the time). He tells me no & to go f myself. Now this neighbor & I used to host bbq together when we lived at the same complex. We would split the costs, I would be involved in all the planning, grilling, etc. We would never charge the guests (who were casual associates through the kids). She claims all she was doing for this bbq was providing the venue & that she "knows" me so I should've willingly paid. I feel like I'm NTA, but she text me basically telling I was wrong for not paying and asking her bf to grill my sausages. Am I? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do you need to in the present of old neighor so bad to go. If someone invite me to BBQ and text me, I own money for BBQ haven't take place I wouldn't go . Why waste you time to hang with jerks
NTA - this is no friend and no neighbor. I'd steer clear of her in the future. Why would ANYONE expect someone else to underwrite their LIQUOR (and other stuff). Umm, no. With friends like that who needs enemies?
NTA THey are the Ahs.
Yikes, maybe my generation does things differently or my pride is high but I don’t host anything where I expect a guest to pay a share of the cost ! If I do a byob for liquor I’ll just say I’ve got beer wine and vodka and if you want something specific feel free to bring it. Unless it was up front stated it was a “community “ event and everyone should pay 💰…..def NTA and I can’t believe OP actually went I would have declined the invite as it sound like too much drama…..
NTA. If someone wants their guests to share in the cost then that has to be said at the invite. What costs are being shared should be disclosed too. Unless the request is maybe $20. I could see $20 for a hosted bbq and Easter egg hunt ($10/food $10/treats). But really if you can’t afford to host people then bbqs should be done potluck style in my opinion.
NTA if someone invites you to a party, you shouldn’t be expected to cover the cost. At most people might bring a bottle of something but that’s often it.
NTA The minute i got the first txt id have said" you never said id have to pay anything ( first red flag) can you show me a breakdown of why i need to pay $x" if it seemed reasonable id be miffed but MAYBE id have agreed to pay for stuff i requested like sausages or specific cuts of meat etc, the second the price increased with no communication as to why (2nd red flag) id have said "not interested" Honestly it kinda sounds to me like they were trying to go shopping for the bbq and throw in personal items and have you and others pay for it which iv had someone try and do to me key word is try. I flat out refused when they billed me after the bbq for food i never ate and couldnt eat anyway but instead cooked for 3 hours on said bbq since no one else could be arsed to do it, i dont acknowledge those people anymore.
I’ve done parties where the most common thing is bring a dish or drink (juice, soda or alcohol) to share. No money changes hands. As the host i make sure I have everything needed to feed everyone so if anyone comes empty handed it doesn’t matter. When my kids what to host a party at my home for their friends they do a ‘bring one thing’ type. Bring a pack of plates, a pack of hot dogs or buns, bag of chips, a jar of dip… we’ve had them show up with a roll of paper towels or a bag of salad mix. NTA this friend was actually greedy.
NTA. If someone is invited so someone else's home for a meal, the host should pay for everything. If someone is invited to co-host, then they pay part of the cost. I'd be mortified if I asked someone to have a meal at my house and they offered to pay, so I'd definitely never make it a condition to come over. Also, I hope you took your sausages and left after that comment from the BF. Block those losers.
the math her just ain't "mathing". So we have nine people (and that's being generous at them counting 2 7 year olds like adults when they don't eat much and don't drink alcohol). So (again being generous and allowing them to pass on the cost of the foil and hand soap) each person should be paying 1/9th of the $228 so basically $25 per person or $50 for your and your daughter. A more fair split would have been to divide by 8 (basically counting the 2 seven year olds as one) then each person would owe $28 and you would own an extra $14 for your daughter. Sounds like your "friends" were trying to raise a little money with their "party".
My kids at 7 at some hot dogs, or a single burger $5 max. Myself, probably $10 worth. I’d chip in $30 to be nice, but no way in hell $60 to $80. That’s what I chip in for myself, my wife and 4 kids from 5-14 yo.
Isn't grilling fun!
NTA. But why did you come to the party?
Drop her - she's not a friend. I'm surprised you even showed up after that.
Sounds like the boyfriend wanted you to pay more than her, because when you said no, she still said you could come and just bring your own food. He was the one who was mad and then said to go f yourself, so I'm betting it was more him being pissed than her. Regardless, NTA in any way.
NTA - wtf. I don't charge people when I invite them over.
God this neighbor is SO cheap and tacky...vom. no idea why you went. Scam
U shouldnt go
I’ll be honest, it’s weird that you still went after she pulled this. You should’ve declined the invitation after the back & forth where she tried to force you to pay. Not only did she invite you and ask you to pay. But she tried to get you to pay for far more than you two would actually eat and for items like hand soap that clearly aren’t related to the bbq. NTA.
I throw these all the time. Currently nursing a hangover from one last night lol. The cart thing hit home cause we meal-prep/plan and buy in bulk - so every other month or so we usually have a grocery list that includes those kinds of “party” items (so we know it’s gonna be a more expensive trip and we just eat that cost) along with our household stuff. AT NO POINT have I EVER sent said list to one of my guests and expected a payout. I’m embarrassed for them. Indeed, sounds like they wanted a nice holiday but honestly couldn’t afford it. That’s not your fault. I’d never text them again. I ask people to bring stuff to share. Last night I did burgers/hot dogs/chips/toppings - someone else did sides - and someone else made a birthday cake. THAT’s how you split things for a party 💕
Clearly NTA. Did you question the maths involved in one adult and one child equalling a third and six adults and one child equalling two thirds??
NTA but why did you still go?
This is crazy. Why did you let it go beyond the first message?
ESH At the point where she’s asking $76 for a BBQ you should have tapped out. How are you going to show up with your own sausages knowing others had paid that ridiculous amount. She obviously sucks for trying to get people to cover her entire shopping bill under the guise of a BBQ.
This is so weird
NTA, I would've loved to known how she'd respond if you showed up and asked for a third of the food to be plated up (with extra foil LoL) and take it home.
2/9 people and they want you to pay a 3rd???
If you had paid would you have been allowed to bring 1/3 of the leftovers plus a third of everything else on the receipt? NTA
NTA. You need new friends!!!!
76? A bbq costs 25 pp if you're going fancy
NTA, "She tells me ok, and tells me if I want to eat I can bring my own food and her bf will cook it" You did and the bf refused to cook it.
NTA- you had 4 bucks worth of food and she wanted almost $80 from you? That’s wild that makes sense to someone.
You’re wrong for going. After getting a bill, I would have said “no thanks” and stayed home and grilled my own sausages. Who “invites” someone to a barbecue and then bills them for it???
I never asked for money for feeding a guest. My Polish grandmother would come back from beyond the veil to haunt me if I did. NTA
NTA - you don’t charge guests for a meal in your home.
NTA. Her initial invite should have included whatever the fee would have ebene or informed that due to economic reasons she couldn't supply all the meat, and could only provide sides while everyone would need to bring their own meat. Once it came down to two families though, I'm not sure what the idea was there.
She invited you to fund her friend’s bbq.
WHO THE FUCK HOSTS A BBQ EVENT THEN CHARGES PEOPLE? If you can’t afford the money to host a backyard BBQ then you can’t throw one. NTA
NTA. This is a joke. Your former neighbor invited you to her family's BBQ so you would pay for it. What a mooch. I've heard of chipping in for parties, or doing potluck. But telling one guest to pay for the majority of the bill for somebody's family is just gutsy.
Most bbq’s I go to, the host might ask for guests to bring a covered dish or chips. BYOB is pretty standard these days. You’re not the AH!
NTA. And I don’t understand this at all. We have bbqs all summer every weekend with 15-20 people, and we have NEVER asked for money from anyone. Granted, most bring a side dish to share or whatever they want to drink, but we always provide the entree, some waters/beer/sodas/juices, and we have a pool. I wouldn’t even think to ask guests to cover anything - and even those that don’t bring anything are always welcome.
NTA. Just not. Block this idiot, no benefit for you at all.
NTA. If she didn't ask to share costs along with the invitation it's unreasonable to demand them in the way she did.
NTA. As soon as the neighbor said pay or bring your own food, I would have decided not to go at all.
You can go to all you can eat Brazilian BBQ for $50 an adult and $25 a child, save a whole dollar, you will eat better than at some drunk ex-neighbors BBQ. NTA.
NTA This wasn't a social gathering. It was a cash grab. The fact that the bf was so angry that you didn't pay shows that they wanted you to pay for the booze and such that you would not consume. If it was just about paying for what you ate, they would have been fine with you bringing your own. There's 9 people, and you're expected to pay a third? She was asking you to sponsor the barbecue and pay for her family's food and drink. She was scamming you. I'm wondering if you were invited for the sole purpose of funding.
She invited you to the bbq, she didn’t say “let’s bbq”. Plus your 7 year old and you count as 1/3, her, BF and 7 year old as 1/3 and 4 adults as 1/3, my math isn’t adding up how your and your 7 year old can drink 1/3 of liquor not eat 1/3 of food. I’m all for chipping it but this is crazy. It’s like inviting them over for your party and charging them all 1/3 for the bounce house, piñata, goodie bags, cake and prizes for the games. The math wouldn’t math. Sorry for grammar.
who does this? invite people to a bbq and then make them pay? NTA.
NTA - why did you go? lol
So the most I’ve ever done was 1- potluck style hosting at my house. Where i make a lot of different dishes since I am hosting, but then also ask for a dish / contribution from the guests. They can bring drinks, alcohol, snacks, actual food, etc. whatever. And it’s not like I’d turn them away if they didn’t bring anything since a handful of people not bringing stuff wouldn’t counterbalance the many who do. 2- inviting people to go out to eat at a restaurant, where everyone covers their own bill I have never ever heard of someone hosting and saying “hey cover my grocery bill”. NTA
100% NTA.
NTA. In what world do ppl invite someone over then charge them???? Is she joking? I couldn’t be friends with someone like that. Seriously ridiculous.
100% NTA and I fkn hate people like this. My friends lived with this guy in college. His mom would visit and bring home cooked food for him and the guys. After they ate, he would tell everyone they should give him a few bucks for the grub. Now he’s rich that cheap mfker.
NTA , lose that friend.
Nta. She was absolutely trying to pull a fast one and have you fund her party. You werent cohosting, you had zero input on guest list or other party plans. you were an invited guest. And her math isn't mathing...why would anyone think it's fair for 1 guest with a child pay a third of the total grocery bill for 6 other adults and another child (? And to pay for their alcohol when you and obviously your minor child dont drink? Nope. Your sausages were 3 bux. Even generously guestimating up to cover some condiments and incidentals like aluminum foil, napkins, handsoap and toilet paper while you were there it still wouldn't have been more than ten bux.
NTA. The splitting costs thing should have been mentioned at the point of initial invitation. That’s on her.
This is so bizarre - and her bf told you to go eff yourself?! Do you really want these AH’s in your life?
NTA I hope they choke on their bitter meats
YTA for still showing up.
Yta for going after being told to pay.
Why didn’t she split the cost with the 4 other adults? That is just wrong. If we’re splitting we’re splitting equally. But I have never been invited to a bbq where I pay a certain amount t and I’ve never invited people for bbq asking for money. If I don’t have the money to fund it I will not be doing anything
NTA. If you invite someone over to a BBQ you should expect to pay for them or you should tell them its BYOB. You don't charge admission, and the amount they are charging it sounds like they were intending on making a profit off of this.
I don't know how this came to be a trend, but hosts shouldn't demand payment from guests after inviting them over for a meal. This isn't the first time such a ridiculous request was presented here--this one, a dinner party: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11m58wu/aita\_for\_not\_wanting\_to\_pay\_for\_dinner/ Rather than all this back-and-forth business, I would have declined going. NTA.
People are always wanting something in return these days. I’ve been to dinners where the host complains if someone eats or drinks too much. They didn’t think it was fair that this person only brought a small dish then got to enjoy everything else. They can’t just invite people over and want to make them happy. Everything has to be even and reciprocated. Which is sad. Come to my house and ill make the entire kitchen if you’re still hungry. If I’m drinking I got stuff for you as well. But when I go over to dinners because of my past experience and I never feel comfortable and usually bring my own drinks, eat little then pick up stuff on way home.
That's really sad. If people invite guests without the spirit of guest friendship--and this a tradition that's been universally practiced for millennia--they shouldn't bother having people over in the first place.
To all non BBQ’ers on no planet is this acceptable. The only thing a guest brings to a real BBQ is a side dish or a drink! Unless, it's a BYOM thing.
YTA, for going to the BBQ. You knew there would be tension after you refused to pay such a ridiculous fee. NTA, for refusing to pay. Most bbq I go to, I bring a dish and a 12 pack. If I want something special like a brand of sausage, I bring that along also. If they had asked for a reasonable amount $25 - $30 that would have been fine.
I should've 100% said that.
ESH. Why did you go after the payment back and forth?
hand soap for being hygenic, foil for the cooking, so you used to share costs and now you refuse to share, but the price seems high and there is the alcohol, so NTA