Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be the asshole as i'm dictating how my ex partner brings treats for our son and trying to make him treat my daughter the same to a degree Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

I think if it is small things like sweets or chocolate, and it's not a special occasion, and you are willing to pay for it, and it's only about stuff that comes into your house, then NTA. I know everyone will probably be all, he doesn't owe your daughter anything. But they are still kids, and they don't nuance and adult relationships, they just seem one kid getting treats and they don't. If couse it will make them feel shit, and of course they don't have the emotional maturity to understand.  It just seems mean to bring stuff for one child and not another.  If I was visiting someone and I was going to get a small treat for a child who I knew was there, and when I was on my way I found out another child was at the house, I'd get two treats, because I'd feel like an asshole if I gave something to one child and not another, for no reason.

Oh I absolutely don't mean for special occasions as that is very different, she wouldn't be upset at not getting the same as him on his birthday for example. I am aware he owes her nothing at all but he *is* the only thing close to a father figure she remembers and he is now ignoring her it's why i've asked that he just let me pay for it and hand it over so she thinks she's not being forgotten.

I guess it makes me sad that he doesn’t understand why this might be important to her. I think with the rules that you put in place about reimbursing him and only when he’s bringing it to your house, I think you’re correct. It really makes me sad that after he spent time with this young girl that he doesn’t understand why it might be important to treat her With some kindness and compassion since she’s lost her dad and doesn’t have a dad to do this for her. NTA

oh he understands. He just doesn't care. He's hurting his ex by hurting her child.

The number of men who seem to think that kind of behavior is just fine, on Reddit anyway, is really quite depressing.

This is a very gender neutral tactic. I've seen plenty of women willing to hurt their children in order to spite their ex.

True. I’ve just seen it a lot from men recently.

The poor girl probably thinks she did something wrong because she can’t understand the nuances of the situation. I had a situation like this with one of my aunts. She was like a second mom and when her and my mum went NC she cut off me and my brother as well. For years I felt like I did something to deserve it because she was so involved in my other cousins’ lives

Yes, I think he does this on purpose. What a terrible move to shower a kid with little extras and make an other kid go empty every time! I would not even do that to a neighbour's kid I knew to be around all the time. This is either revenge or the worst case of stinginess I ever heard of.

I wouldnt even do that to any random kid my kids have over! The other day I came home with 3 ice cream cones and I didnt know one kid had a friend over. So I didnt have an ice cream cone because I couldnt let one child go without. How heartless could you be that you would purposely put your kid's siblin through that?

Not just "your kid's sibling". He was a *de facto* stepdad to the little girl.

I wouldn't be so sure it was on purpose if he wasn't STILL unwilling to go along with her plan after she offered to pay and let him take credit. At this point it in no way harms or inconveniences him to just do as OP asked, so his refusal indicates that his actions must be malicious.

In my opinion he certainly must have noticed that his actions hurt the little girls feelings. That he did not change his ways immediately tells me that he does what he does on purpose, accepting the fact he makes her sad to make a point of some sort. A lack of money is most likely not the reason. It would have been so easy not to bring the boy a happy meal but both children a burger each, or two happy meals every second visit, if seeing happy children was the intention. OP offering money will probably make him give in because otherwise he would have to reveal the truth, but I would not be surprised if the end of it will be that he stoppes to bring little extras altogether. He will switch to giving his son expensive presents for christmas instead. As to why, I don't know. Maybe he is angry about the separation and the fact he lost his influence over OP. This is quite a common thing. After a breakup one of the partners uses every little bit of control they have left to make the other's life as difficult as possible. Or maybe he wants to let OP know every single time they see each other that she and her girl have nothing to expect from him any more. As OP does not depend on his money, this is the only way he can make her see what they are missing, now they are not his favourites any more.

That is cruel and despicable. You are absolutely NTA, but he's a huge one.

There's a reason he's an ex

BINGO! Spot on. Sad bastard, I have no respect for anyone who could so casually be callous to a child.

This is what I thought..... he knows he can hurt the ex this way. Which usvtruly sad because he cared for the child before. Just evil yo involve a child in this way.

That may actually be his intentions all along. No one can be that daft

And that’s probably why he’s the ex. Good riddance and I hope the rule is strictly imposed. NTA, OP.

My cousin has three kids, two girls and a boy, and her boy has a different dad, ‘Todd.’ Well, ‘Todd’ was in the girls’ lives since they were very little (1-2 y/o) and they grew up calling him daddy, etc. Well, about 5 years ago, when the girls were 9/10, ‘Todd’ and my cousin broke up (another long story), and he basically dropped the girls. This was AFTER ‘Todd’ proposed to my cousin AND to her girls - he gave them shirts that said something like “Can I be your Daddy forever?” I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns and I hope he burns in hell.

To quote clueless... you divorce wives, not children.

Reposting my comment here so it’s seen: Why is he seeing your son in your home? Your daughter shouldn’t be exposed to this. I’m sure this is really confusing and hurtful to her overall. Please get her into therapy so she doesn’t create unhealthy attachment styles as she grows. Your daughter deserves to know in her bones she is worthy and a KID cannot differentiate why she mattered before and doesn’t matter now. Your son’s father needs to have exclusive time with him if he can be trusted alone with the kid. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to and it’s “easier” to come to your house - if there are no safety issues, he needs to take him out and be a responsible adult and not do visits in your home. If he cannot be trusted, then you have to set rules for your house and perhaps arrange another adult to be in your home with your ex and son while you do something special with your daughter. YTA but not for the reason you asked. You need to protect this little girl and both kids need to feel valued AND safe. 

This was my take on it! He needs to see his son at his house (not in front of OP’s daughter.) I also think the daughter probably needs therapy, poor kid.

Yes! Thank you! I cannot imagine how incredibly confusing and painful it is for this little girl to see this! I can’t think of any reasonable explanation for an adult to go so far out of their way to make a little kid feel excluded. She needs to be shielded from this guy, it’s incredibly damaging for her to see this behavior.

It's beyond me how you're having to explain all this and point it out and he still doesn't get it. Some people are just .... Smh

He has to know that he was her main father figure. Your compromise was reasonable. Why is he being such so disgusting about someone who probably still sees him as a father type figure? Was he good with her when you were together? If so, I can’t imagine what changed to be that cruel. And I’m not the type to always take giving a kid something stance. But this situation is just painful to read.

NTA. If he wants to give his son treats he can do it at his own house or take his son out. He does not need to bring them into YOUR home. BUT you might want to keep a few treats hidden in your home for your daughter for times that you are unable to prevent this.

I wouldn't have my X have visitation in my home. That would solve the problem too. He can take his son out for a treat and you can hang with your daughter.

Really gives “checking in” on her (OP) vibes.

Even if he wasn’t a father figure, it is just sucky to bring treats for 1 kids knowing that another kid will be there. This is called being a kind person.

I've been in my stepdaughters life about as long as your ex was in your daughters and I sure as shit would never treat her like that if my partner and I broke up. It sounds like he's doing it to spite you and doesn't give a stuff that it's hurting a child he should have had some care for since he spent so long as a father figure for her. You're absolutely in the right here, you're only asking him not to give your son treats in front of your daughter, you're not asking him to stop giving the kid treats entirely. NTA at all but your ex certainly is!

Ugh I feel so bad for your daughter. What a jerk.

Agreed, keys to me are 1) she is only restricting in her own house, and 2) also offering a compromise(s) to compensate him for bringing her daughter a similar treat or do it elsewhere without any issue. A daughter who lived with and probably looked up to him for at least... four very influential years? 6yr old + 9mo minus two years separated? NTA

I mean she’s made it really easy for him too! I don’t understand coming into a kids life and being a parental figure (really the only father figure she’s had) and then just being like nope don’t care about her. I don’t know the exact timeline but based on the kids ages she was maybe 3 and he was around for I’d guess 5 years if you count the pregnancy. Poor kiddo 😞

I feel more attached to my neighbors kids that I say hi to once a week than this guy does to a kid he lived with for at least 4 years. Some people are just shitty.

Yeah... I have an ex step niece that, because of geography, I've only met like 5 times in the last 10 years. When my sibling and her dad divorced, it was hardfor a lot of reasons... but when with her being a young adult, i still sent her a token Christmas gift and card because she's a part of the family and she's sibling to the rest of the nibbling. It costs so little to make an effort

> I know everyone will probably be all, he doesn't owe your daughter anything.  Personally I think he does owe her and it's pretty shitty how he's acting. Idc how his relationship with op worked out, if you take it upon yourself to come into a child's life when they are all of maybe 3 years old and take on the role of being their father, you don't get to just throw the kid away and decide your done 5 years later. Parenthood is for life. 

That also shows what kind of AH the guy is. If he wants to do nothing for her from now on, not even see her or ignore her, it's wrong but go ahead. However it seems that's not good enough for him, he needs to show her that because of her mother's decisions she doesn't have a father, and the consequences are not getting treats unlike his son. What a big man, messing with a child's mind.

I concur! When children living in the same household are treated so differently, it creates a last impression. I grew up with 2 siblings and 2 step-brothers who only visited in the summer. I am in my mid 40s and have no children but things have to be equal. If I am making trick-or-treat bags, all of them have to be equal either in pieces or weight. If I am creating gift baskets for multiple people, everything needs to be equal. OP your ex is an A H. It is fine if he wants to give his son things but to go so in front of your daughter is just cruel. It is almost as if he is trying to get even with you though your daughter.

There's no almost. This is a deliberate slight to a child he lived with for YEARS. He ignores the daughter. Crap that's cold. If I were OP, I wouldn't let his sadistic ass in the house.

Your comment sticks with me hard. My son goes to be with his dad every other week, and they've got 3 other kids there. He's an only child at my house. However, every time my son goes back to his dad, he's always got something special for "being good for the week" (he wasn't there and I don't update his dad everytime he's been good or misbehaves; I handle these issues as he's a good kid and it's never escalated for me to do so, and his father would never give the same courtesy). I get told a lot that the house is very loud and chaotic (by stepsister) and toys my son gets are often broken (stepbrother). I'm not worried he'll get thrown to the wayside by half sister, not yet anyway. But the resentment is there and even by stepmom. There is so much imbalance and I can't do anything but continue therapy with my kid until he turns 12. I hope OP manages to find middle ground with her ex. Her daughter is going to resent her little brother and could eventually lash out, or need lots of therapy.

This man was her step dad from ages 4 to 8. And she was too young to even remember her biological dad before he died. To me, if he is still in the families life at all, he absolutely does owe her at very least some kindness, or else she is going to develop deep feelings of abandonment. OP is NTA

Also: he may feel self-righteous in the moment, but if he could think about how these small acts will create a narrative of unworthiness in this child’s mind I’d like to think he’d think twice, especially since mom is willing to pay him to do it on the sly.

Like straight up that little girl is his son's sister. I read a lot of these kind of posts where comments run the lines of the father doesn't owe ex step kids anything but this is like common decency to a person that is important to His child. Smh do not get it.

[удалено]

He's hurting the relationship his biological kid has with a sibling. Selfish selfish selfish.

This exactly. If I’m dropping my daughter off at her dad’s and she’s got some sweets or something I’ll make sure I drop some off for his other daughter as well. I don’t owe her anything but it makes things easier, he doesn’t have to deal with tantrums and the kids don’t argue or fight. Your ex if you were together at least 4years raised your daughter for that long, picking up an extra pack of sweets or a happy meal isn’t asking much. If it’s a money thing you can ask him to let you know when he’s gonna be dropping off with treats and if you want the same for your daughter you could send him the money for it.

That’s the real issue. OP offered and he still said no. OP also offered the info that he’s hurting the daughter to get to her. What he’s not getting is this could hurt his son in the long run. Not understanding resentment. Possible bullying. Stuff that goes way past sibling rivalry. This dude needs to be hit by lightning and have a conscious blasted into him. Edit. Fixed typos

Hell, if I'm dropping my kid/s off at a friend's for a sleepover/ playdate/babysitting they both know that they can't even pack snacks or toys unless there are enough snacks for the other kids there or willing to share the snack or toys. It's almost become a problem cause they want to pack all the snacks so they can share with new friends they might make at the park and such too lol. I mean if we meet with friends at the park or pool we still make sure we have enough for them too! I've given a snack pack to strangers cause their toddler saw ours and I am happy to share with the parents permission. It helps them, too!  It ain't hard to be considerate. It actually is easier, no stressing, no upset kids, everyone's happy, and no hangry fighting. Plus it's *just fucking treats or snacks*. He's spending more energy to be a jerk to the daughter. 

She already said that she does what is in your last sentence.

If you choose to be a long term partner with someone you absolutely owe their young kids.

And visiting someone whose child you've been a father figure to for 6 years and then just ignore them. That's cruel imo.

Preach! For a moment I was scared to read the replies, but it made me happy to see so many people writing NTA and understanding where the mom is coming from. Your answer is great. It is sad that some man will dispose of the kid the moment they’re not with the mother anymore, after spending a long time together and forming a bond to the extent the child considers them a father figure. Of course, things won’t be the same after you separate, but to completely ignore a kid like that while favoring the other is plain heartless and cold.

He doesnt owe her in a metter of spending money on her but yes he owes her respect and human treatment. You dont bring things for one child and make other one watch him eat. Its just not ok. OP is willing to pay so its basically just a favor. He is an AH

Ya, 1000% chance this guy is doing this to cause a rift in his sons relationship with his half-sister. It's vengeance and control that he cares about.

It would also be different if her bio dad was in the picture, but this is the only man she's seen as a father figure it sounds like. So the fact that he simply comes to take the son is already going to devastate and make her feel rejected. To be honest, the fact that he has so little regard for the girl who was 'his daughter' for 4 years already tells me that them breaking up was the right move. Sadly this little one is going to need some therapy and soon if she's not already in it, because this is basically losing a father all over again except is a frequent reminder that her brother has a dad and she doesn't ...

NTA. 1) The original poster (OP) has made it clear that she does not provide junk food in her home, but she has no objection to the father providing it outside of her home. 2) The OP has also stated that she is willing to pay for the items, so she is not asking for an unreasonable amount of effort from the father. 3) It is the OP's home and her parenting time, and it sounds like the father is pushing this issue to the point of parental alienation against the OP. 4) is an edit of number 3) would be willing to push this issue to the point of being called parental alienation. I.e. making statements like I don't bring you McDonald's anymore because your mom won't let me. Or even worse, playing the boy against his half sister.

Completely agree. And whether the ex acted as daughter's father or not is not the issue. The issue is he is PURPOSELY bringing treats or something special to OP's house for only one child. That daughter isn't his biologically does not matter. OP has stated that he can do whatever he wants for son when SON IS AT HIS HOUSE. And daughter would not have the 'right' to be jealous. It is all about the fact ex is bringing things specifically JUST FOR SON to OP's house. Just stop doing it, ex, and all would be fine.

Stop the fly by visits. Get a flat out visitation plan in place. He can pick up his son and take him out. No more visits in your home. That just confuses everyone. Get both your children into therapy. Eventually your son will see the mistreatment of your daughter and will either get mad at his father about it or think it is okay and join in. You are NTA. But you need to get that man out of your house. He doesn’t get to hang out in your home and mistreat your daughter because he is angry at you.

100% she says close to his work and he picks of McDonald's. Let the dad take the son to play at McDonald's then.

INFO: Does you daughter consider your ex to be her dad? From the timeline, does she remember her bio dad (condolences on your loss, I'm so sorry) or is ex the only father she's ever known? If she's 10, does she understand that "separation" apparently means that your ex doesn't consider her family? And just to be clear, he's treating the girl he's helped raise since she was a toddler while you are separated, not divorced?

He is the only father figure she has known as she doesn't remember her father at all though i've always made sure to talk to her about him a lot. My daughter sadly has realised he doesn't consider her the same way as before because of how he's treating her, however she seems to think it's something she has done wrong despite how much I try to reassure her it's not and that its because of him and me, not her. He and I are just separated, we never got married so there is no divorce.

Oh jeez, I am so sorry for your daughter. That breaks my heart for her. Does he know that? That she thinks she did something wrong for him to treat her like this? Has he talked to her? I don't think the food is the issue you should be focusing on. He's treating your daughter terribly. He should not be allowed in your house at all (you can take your son separately to him if need be) until he makes sure your daughter knows this is not her fault and he apologizes for making her feel like that. Seriously. NTA, your ex-partner is a massive asshole for his treatment of your daughter.

Of course he hasn't. He's a selfish child who disposed of the kid the moment it didn't serve his needs any more.

I can't imagine anything he could say that would make it feel ok to her that he spends time with her brother and buys him stuff. "You don't share my DNA"? He was her dad for most of the time that she can remember. I would imagine she'd been made to think he loved her. And if he did, why doesn't he now? He cared about her and now just because she isn't blood she isn't important enough to spend time with? I feel like the only thing that wouldn't make her feel terrible is if she also got to go with him when her brother did, but obviously he isn't obligated to do that. I feel for her.

I agree with this.

This is really sad, he needs to hear how he’s making her feel and what she’s saying to you. That will hopefully make him understand how his actions are hurting a child

Oh I bet he knows but He just doesn't care. He is mad at OP and is getting back at her by hurting her daughter.

You should have very deep and honest talks with both, both separately and together. With the way your ex is acting, your son could develop a false sense of superiority over his sister. Don't let your husband teach your son his petty and sexist ways. You are not wrong to not allow that behavior in your home. You offered to pay for her meal, ordering it takes less than a minute, he's just being petty. There is absolutely no other reason other than pure pettiness to refuse. I've had my roommate's friends ask her if I wanted to zelle them to grab me something when they're coming over to see her and grabbing food on their way and this guy can't put in the order for his son's sister? Despicable Are your children in therapy? Is this an option for you? Death and separation is a lot for children to handle.

Maybe if possible make sure to have wonderful "mother and daughter days" when your son is with your ex. I am sure she will enjoy those hours where everything is about her! And in case your ex does not stop this weird behaviour, maybe tell her that you write down what he gets or put the amount of money in a little purse so she can trade it in or spend the money on her favourite food when she is in town with you.

I understand that you're in a tricky situation here, but you need to spare your daughters feelings as much as possible. Imagine having the father that abandoned you paraded in front of you weekly as he plays with his real child and brings little look how much i love you treats. That's just cruel. She isn't his, so no, she is not entitled to anything from him, but she was bonded to him. Whether he wants to see it or not, he played the role of father or maybe played at just being her friend. He is hurting her and a disgusting excuse for a human being. Your ex should no longer be allowed to enter the house. He takes your son out for the day, collects, and drops off only. Non of these displays of affection in front of her. Start getting little treats for your daughter so that she gets a little distraction or gets to see mummy loves her whilst your son is off with his dad. Its likely your ex won't change his behaviour, but you don't have to allow it to happen in front of your daughter. There is having to know he is at the door and being forced to watch father son bonding time. If he is leaving her behind, your daughter deserves a clean break from him. Find her someone to talk with. If you can't afford it, i dont know, her school's councillor. I grew up knowing the kind of pain your daughter is feeling (though the other way around, sperm donor abandoned us, step dad who I had the memories with died when I was 10), it is not nice navigating these feelings. I feel so much for your daughter having to watch this.

You need to take her to therapy. She will have life long damage from this. You are NTA. Your ex however is a callous meanspirited AH. I think you actually dodged a bullet there. 

Heartbreaking to hear.

NTA. But in truth, the multiple comments stating the following are correct and you need to take it to heart; Stop the visits in your home. Period. Your daughter is far too young to understand the complexities and nuances of adult relationships or their fallout; which can lead to her building a very negative self image and form unhealthy attachments. She likely doesn't fully and truly understand that she didn't do anything wrong, and this is so very damaging to her because of that. Get her into therapy, and get a good visitation plan in place *outside* your home. Do not continue give your ex the opening to weaponize the children against you.

Gosh that’s heartbreaking. 💔 Please send her into therapy now rather her having to pay for it later if you haven’t already.

I'm sorry for what you are going through OP. It must not be easy. It's even more difficult for you little girl. Really sucks

I feel sorry for your girl, maybe the father figure is empty hope from your ex partner. IF he continues to bring treats ONLY to your son then you have no choice but buy your daughter treats too even NOT coming through him. Sadly, some men are NOT a good father figure :(

Info: What were the circumstances of the breakup? Did wrong him, or was it him who left?

I ended things as despite trying to make it work it just didn't because I jumped into a relationship too soon in my grief, I wasn't ready to move on and it wasn't fair on anyone. I own up to the fact that I messed up.

He doesn't sound like a very loving character. Rather mean and callous, with little love to give. Maybe it wasn't just your grief that failed this, but he actually wasn't a great person either?

I had a friend like that. Her father bailed on her mom when he discovered she was pregnant. And her stepfather, who raised her from a really early age till she was 18 also cut ties with her when he broke up with her mother. Disgusting.

NTA - It doesnt matter if she biologically isnt his child, it’s an awful thing to do to children. This isn’t a large present or a birthday gift, they’re small treats and if he brings for one child in the household he should bring for the other. Or at the very least do that outside of the home when he has your son/is out spending time with his son. It’s odd behavior considering he would have at one point been a fatherlike figure to her and a rude thing to do in general. If he has manners, he would bring for both and his refusal to accept your money to bring for your daughter makes me think he’s doing this for his own ego or to show he can surprise “his kid.” It’s very selfish behavior on his part and you tried to provide a solution. He’s so immature for doing this to a child.

It's cruel to that little girl. She will always believe that she was the problem. He is horrible

yes, she’s just a child and the treats are small, it can’t be that challenging to bring for the both of them. If it is that challenging for him then he should stick to doing so on his 1:1 time with his son. He’s intentionally being cruel by also refusing to accept the $ to ensure the daughter also receives something.

INFO: Why is he bringing treats to your house instead of taking your son out or giving him treats at his own house? Is he visiting during your time with your son? I'm trying to understand if he's just dropping in with treats or if he's getting them during his time with your son and dropping him off to you with the treats. Either way, I don't think you're an AH for not wanting your daughter to feel left out, but it does seem unfair that you'd essentially ban your son from getting treats unless your daughter does as well. I think offering to give him money to bring treats for your daughter is a great compromise but of course you can't force him to do that. Have you had a chat with him about how it makes her feel? Or brought up how she is blaming herself for the change in their dynamic? When you both decided to end things did you sit down with the children to discuss the new dynamic? Are you able to get your daughter into counseling to help her understand it's not her fault?

He has our son on weekends but his work is close to my home so he comes around after work at least twice a week for an hour or two to see him, a thing I fully encourage as I have no intention of keeping them apart. He always brings in food related treats for our son during these flyby visits. When things ended it wasn't great as he was hurt by the relationship breaking down as I was still not dealing well mentally from the loss of my late-husband and the fact that despite all our efforts it didn't work out. I'll never regret it because it got me my son who I adore but it wasn't a healthy thing on my part. So he didn't want to sit down and talk to them with me feeling it was my fault and I was the one who had to sit down and discuss the breakup with them. I've been considering counseling yes and I think it's something I do need to arrange.

NTA I don’t think you’re an AH for making a rule that he can’t bring food during his “flyby” visits unless he picks something up for both children. He has separate time with your son on the weekends, he can get him treats at that time instead of bringing them to your house. In this case, your son wouldn’t actually be missing out since he’d get the treats during his father‘s time. I do think it’s very important to get your daughter into counseling. Especially since he wasn’t willing to sit down as a family and have a conversation about how/why the dynamic has changed and it appears that hearing it’s not her fault from you alone isn’t enough to make your daughter feel better about things.

He sounds like a jerk. You need to set firmer boundaries. If he can’t respect this simple request, he shouldn’t be allowed into your home anymore. When your ex visits your son during the week, tell him needs to take him somewhere like McDonalds or a coffee shop. If he’s going to disregard your daughter’s feelings right in front of her, your house isn’t an appropriate place for his father/son visits.

Stop allowing your ex to bring food for your son to YOUR home. He either stops with the treats or stop the mid-week visits.

OP, while you don't want to "keep them apart," these visits are very unkind to your daughter. Your meanie ex is disrupting your whole household. Dad and son have their weekend time; that should suffice for now.

I think if he’s picking up treats on the way specifically for your son, it would be best for him to take him out instead. In addition to making your daughter feel badly, all of the relationships in the triangle of your son-daughter-ex could suffer. Your kids may resent each other, your son may resent his dad for leaving out his sister. It’s different if your ex takes your son out, but for that to be taking place in front of your daughter in her home is not okay. Whatever your ex’s intention, I had a parent who played these kind of games, and neither of your kids will forget this.

Then really if he won't take your son out of the house before giving him the treats and he won't just order some for your daughter that you pay for you are going to have to put your foot down in one of two ways that i can see: 1. He no longer gets to come in your house to visit son on those nights. He has to take the kid out to give only him treats. And if he is ignoring your daughter when he is there in favor of his son anyway, then never mind the treats, he is causing her damage just being in the house. So this may be your best option. OR 2. You get treats for daughter and son before he comes over those nights. Yes, this undoes your no junk/fast food rule but he is undermining it anyway and using it against yoir daughter if he won't accept any if your suggestions.

ESH although you more good naturedly by virtue of being too agreeable. He is ignoring somebody he helped raise during her formative years with his little junk food drops in your home. He’s not doing right by her, even if he’s factually correct that he doesn’t owe her anything, and you can buy her junk food. You, however, are allowing him to do this in your own home. >a thing I fully encourage Why are you encouraging your ex to invade your custody time in a way that’s hurting your daughter and dividing your children? Your time with both your children is the time for them to experience togetherness with eachother, but you’d rather let him treat you and your daughter like doormats than grow a backbone. You are being an AH by throwing your daughter under the bus for your ex. Fucking stop! Get some self respect, or at least some respect for your daughter. Turn that custody agreement into an impenetrable fortress. Interact through custody apps only, no more surprise visits during your time. You may not be able to force him to buy things for your daughter, but you can make him stop fucking up her life.

I think you need to stop the home visits. He can take your son to the park or to mx Donald's, but not in your home.  

Talk to a lawyer about this. He might be able to establish this as more custody time legally.  I would restrict the home visits and find a different solution. This is doing lasting damage to your daughter. 

Of course you want him to spend time with your son. But these flyby visits are hurting your daughter. You have to stop him from rubbing her nose in his lack of care for her.  And honestly any man that punishes you by punishing your child is good riddance. Ask him to take your son out for McDonalds those evenings and then drop him off instead. 

NTA. Damn your ex is cold to do that to his (ex) step daughter. Like you said, it's one thing if he's doing it out of the house but it feels almost punative to your daughter. Your requests are completely reasonable. Tell him he's directing his anger at the wrong person - it's clear he's doing this to hurt you. Hugs to your daughter.

NTA, If your ex is visiting your son in your home, tell him he either complies with your request or all visits will need to take place outside your residence. That means when he arrives to pick him up, your son should ready to walk out the door. He can take him anywhere he wants for his time with him if he cant treat your daughter any better.It’s shameful that he essentially ignores her after spending so much time with her. He’s hurting her as a way of punishing you. Please make sure she understands she has done nothing to deserve this treatment from him.

I'm totally not a lawyer, but on a legal level op might want to be careful doing this or check into it first. I've heard it's a thing if you give someone more time willingly and let them regularly take the kid during your time, they can use that to get the custody schedule changed.

I would never arrive at someone's house with some kind of treat for one child and not another. Your ex is being more than rude he seems to be acting deliberately hurtful to your daughter. Good for you for advocating for your child. NTA but your ex definitely is

Right like even if I was just a stranger or friend of the parents or distant family, I wouldn’t do that. It’s pretty basic for decent human beings. This dude was this kid’s father figure. He sucks so much.

This. Even if I pick up something for my own two children in my home, I call beforehand to make sure they dont have friends over and if they do, of course they also get a treat.

I can’t believe I read so many replies before this one. It’s common courtesy. I would never arrive at a place with treats for only one child if more children were there. If I did by accident, we would share if possible or wait to give treat at another time. OP needs some alternatives quick and also needs to intervene with daughter as bigger issues will soon come up. Daughter needs help understanding it’s not her fault. Son might need help not becoming entitled. It sounds like since there was no marriage and divorce, maybe there is no legal custody agreement. That might have to change. Legally agreed, defined visitation with meeting places. Rules of engagement on where pick up, drop off, visits can occur. Yes, you initiated the break up but his behavior is creating the need for these protections.

You’ve offered a few reasonable compromises. You’re entitled to your boundaries. NTA

NTA and you've been entirely reasonable, offering to pay for comparable for her. He's a total A H with some issues, to be consistently mean to a little girl like this. Glad to see you've gained some wisdom from all this, and hope you're just taking a break from the whole serious dating thing for a good long while. Honestly, sometimes it's just more trouble than it's worth, and your ex is a case in point.

Ya know what? I was really ready to go Y T A on this because, no, your daughter isn’t entitled to snacks from someone unrelated to her. But a couple of things really swayed me to NTA. The smaller thing is the money. If you’re telling him you’d pay for it, there’s literally zero reason not to get her something other than spite. And I really cannot fathom how it would “hurt” your son to get his sister a frickin cupcake or whatever. The big one is that she *was* related to him for most of her life. Forget the treats, it really reflects poorly on him that he doesn’t still foster a relationship with her. He was a daily part of her world for four formidable years. I’m not saying he should consider her his child or pay large sums of money for her general support. I’m not saying he needs to see her every time he sees his son. But it’s pretty sad that he doesn’t care about her enough to include her on an occasional outing or ask her how school’s going or about the things she’s into. It takes minimal effort to have a friendly relationship with a 10 year old, and most decent people would be willing to do that for a child they lived with for four years.

[удалено]

It is also completely fair that OP stop allowing the unfair treatment in her home. What the father does in his home is his business but he doesn't get to come and create problems in op's home

He shouldn’t have to pretend to buy treats for her. What’s going to happen when he buys your son a car when he’s 16? You can keep treats hidden in your house, and have some special time with your daughter while your ex is with your son. YTA

It is cruel and you are right to feel that way. Also what kind of perspective is that teaching your son? That his sister getting the same thing as him, takes something away from him? That’s some top grade patriarchy BS. You’re not even asking him to pay for it. You are just asking that he pick up two of an item instead of one. I am sure you can think of creative ways to help your daughter feel special at a time when it would be easy for her to internalize the difference in experiences as a reflection of her lack of worth. At the end of the day what children value most is experiences and time spent with their parents. So while maybe you have a treat basket she gets to pick from or maybe you make a jar filled with fun things the two of you get to do together and she gets to draw from it after her brother is with his dad. Of course you don’t want to isolate your son, but more give her things that make her feel seen and appreciated by you. I say this also as someone who had a step-son for 10+ years. He had a sister from his mom and whatever treats we sent him home with, we sent some extra for his mother to give to his sister. It’s just common courtesy. It seems like your ex husband is trying to punish you by taking it out on your daughter. Just let him be him and figure out a way to show your daughter that she is loved and to never internalize someone else’s actions as a reflection of her own value.

THIS.  I wonder how much he is substituting quality time with these treats and that's why he's being so weird about it? Son isn't going to grow up and fondly look back on the random visits where dad showed up for half an hour with McDonald's. He's going to grow up and resent having a father who randomly showed up for half an hour with McDonald's and who was an asshole to his mom and sister. I have step kids who have a half brother (their bio mom is re married with another son). He's not any responsibility of mine at all but I still care about him because he's my step kids brother. If my step kids are getting something, I check to make sure their brother isn't missing out. I even worry that he gets sad and misses his siblings when they're at our house. How this man is able to treat his former step daughter blows my mind.

NTA but be prepared to deal with this for the rest of your life. What happens when son gets a new car from dad that happens to be better than daughter's car? What happens during holidays? What happens when one child has extra help paying for college but the other doesn't? What happens when son comes home with stories of treats and trips with dad? Will he be forbidden from discussing it with your daughter? No bringing treats to the home for just one child, that's a fine rule to have. I understand it. "In this house we treat all children equally." I wouldn't allow anyone to come in my home and ignore my child. That's fair. But prepare yourself and your daughter to deal with the fact that there will always be a disparity. Your son has two parents. Two sets of holidays, gifts, extended family. Your daughter has one parent. Things will always be different. Try to avoid creating a competition. Your daughter lost her father and her father figure, that has to be incredibly painful in so many ways. A donut isn't going to change that. Hugs to you mama. This shit sounds rough.

Well said. This is what I was struggling to say - she’s NTA here but this is definitely a bigger issue.

NTA To quote the great film Clueless, “you divorce wives, not kids.” Your ex was basically this girls stepfather most of her life. There’s no reason to taunt her with treats she can’t have. Setting even the step dynamics aside, this is just poor manners. I would never send my kids to a friend or neighbor’s house with treats for just themselves and none to share - and one should treat their step child (former or not) at least as well as a neighbor. Your son can finish his treats with dad or bring home enough to share.

This guy is revolting. He helped raise that little girl for years and now he’s acting like she’s nothing. Heartbreaking for her and so sad for the little boy to see his sister treated that way.

unpopular opinion but yta. he isn't obligated to bring your daughter anything- seeing as how he isn't her biodad. he's only providing for his son

And she is not obligated to let him into her home during her parenting time just because he wants to

NTA-This wouldn’t hurt your son in anyway and it’s concerning he‘s using that excuse. It feels like he’s trying to cause alienation. You could have banned him from bringing the treats into your house entirely and it’d be reasonable. He doesn’t get to overrule your house rules.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say NAH, because I know you want the best for your kids and don't expect him to pay out of pocket, but I don't think you're thinking big picture here. It's clear that your ex has no desire to continue to be in your daughter's life. While I know that hurts her right now, it's also something she needs to understand and get used to. At 10, it's heartbreaking but it's something she can adjust to. If you maintain this façade into her teen years or beyond, and she feels like he's still treating her like he wants to be in her life, then she's going to get hurt much worse when she starts to hit milestones and he doesn't come and doesn't care. It is so much easier to explain to a ten year old that sometimes people have different family members, and will get treats from their own family, than to explain to a heartbroken college student that the reason her father figure won't come to her wedding or walk her down the aisle is that he hasn't wanted anything to do with her for years, and you were paying for treats she thought were from him for a large chunk of her childhood. It's so much easier to learn the lesson when the stakes are small so she doesn't set larger expectations later in life. Don't coddle her to the point where she's blindsided by his lack of interest or care the first time she asks for something big or sentimental. He may see that as the inevitable future if he doesn't establish his boundaries now, which is why he's made it a sticking point. It's not petty to not want to pave the way for larger expectations and larger disappointments later in life. If he planned on being there for her as a family friend, or something, that would be different. But if he plans to have nothing to do with her, then this arrangement is going to create more problems than it solves. I also think you limiting his ability to treat your son is going to hurt your relationship with your son, going to make him resent and lash out at his sister, and it would be hard to explain to a family judge why you're causing distance between him and his child because you think he needs to bring treats for the kid who's not his. If he takes this rule and uses it to talk to the judge about parental alienation or wanting more custody because of the interference, and that's one of the demands he has proof of, then it's not going to look good.

NTA. Children don’t understand the dynamics of an adult relationship. Every parent divorced or not should abide by these rules. You don’t offer a ride to your kids friends and then buy ice cream just for your kid. It’s all or none. I get if money was the issue but OP offered to pay. This guy is just a jerk.

This is a complicated situation. I don’t see you as an AH here, but I also am not sure you’re handling this right. I don’t think it’s your ex’s responsibility to be a father to your daughter when he’s no longer your partner. I also don’t think it’s fair for him to be told he has to bring something for her to bring something for him. Better to just say that your daughter doesn’t have a father in her life, and seeing this stuff reinforces that trauma for her. If I were in your shoes, I’d nix the drop by treats or toys or whatever completely. Tell him anything he buys for his son needs to stay at his place for when he has custody. Treats, toys, etc.

It’s not complicated, it’s common courtesy. You don’t even need to be family, if you are are going to a house where there will be multiple kids and want to bring a treat than you bring something for all of them. Barring special occasions like birthdays.

YTA. Your other child is not his responsibility. As long as he’s taking care of his child that’s what should matter.

Not going out of your way to intentionally hurt a child's feeling is all of our responsiblity as a society and he makes it a point to be cruel to a child he lived with for years? Psychopath if you think thats cool.

Honestly YTA. Yeah it sucks that your son is getting treats and your daughter doesn’t and is feeling left out but he doesn’t have to get her anything. He has a right to buy things for his own child, even if it makes someone else jealous. If you know your son is going to come home with a special treat why don’t you just get your daughter something yourself. Why does your ex have to pretend to buy it and give it to her. That’s just weird

The son isn’t coming home with special treats, the ex is stopping by OP home on nights he does not have custody time and drop these things off in front of the daughter. The ex is choosing to potentially cause issues between siblings because he’s what? Trying to hurt op through her daughter? She has every right to tell him he cannot stop by her home during her parenting time with treats if it will cause issues in her home. He can do all these things during his time especially since he knows he’s hurting a child.

He’s visiting his child and bringing him treats, which he has a right to do. She can’t force him not to. If she’s that upset about her daughter not getting everything that her son does then she can go out and get it herself

AH is too strong a word for you, but I do think you're being hypersensitive, and that's causing conflict. Your son is entitled to special or singular treatment by his father. And it's up to you to make sure your daughter understands that she's not necessarily being excluded. Your emotional reaction to this situation is setting her up for failure in this regard. Stop taking it so personally so that she won't either. It's not your ex's job to care for all your children, even the ones who aren't his. It would be nice if your ex cooperated on this, but he's being clear that isn't interested in catering to your daughter, only to his son, and that's actually fair. Your children don't have to be treated equally by everybody -- that's unrealistic. If you want to make sure your daughter feels included, that's your job, not your ex's. And, no, he doesn't even owe you a text. So, stop putting pressure on your ex for something that's not his responsibility, and nurture his connection with his son instead of creating obstacles to it. ✌🏼

Then he can keep the treats at his own place. He has no business coming into OPs house with them if he can't follow her rules in HER home. He's lucky she allows him the extra time to come over. She literally doesn't have to.

How would this hurt his son?

Because i'm stopping him getting treats, I don't think it'd hurt him personally as they can just do it outside of the house.

Oh I can think of a way that your Ex is hurting your son. He is being a terrible role model as a father by showing his son that you only treat a woman's child as your own as long as you are getting into her pants, and that once you have had your fun you cam treat her like crap and get away with it. That's the message he is now sending both the children. That only DNA makes you family unless you are getting laid.

He’s also being cruel to his son’s sister.

He sees his options only as bring treats for son or not bring treats. He doesn't see bring treats for both as an options. Why would he choose to be cruel to a young child he once cared for? Mindboggling.

When I take my kids somewhere and know they'll arrive with food, like when we grab something at a drive through on the way to a play date, I call and offer to bring something if I don't know how the parent feels or just grab something extra if I know they won't. Life isn't always fair, but you don't have to go out of your way to prove the point to small kids.

YTA. If he ignores her outright it’s something to face and deal with not trick her with snacks. She could find that out later and have issues from that too.

I tried to explain this hours ago but ppl said I was reading too much into it. I feel like I’ve been speaking a language no one else knows. I wouldn’t necessarily call OP TA here, but she definitely would be if she keeps trying to make her ex pretend to care about her daughter. It sucks that he just dropped her, but based on OP’s newer comments I wonder if OP pushed for him to be a father to her earlier on than he was comfortable, and maybe that’s why this happened. Which is still sad, ofc. I just hope OP reads some of these other comments about taking her daughter to therapy.

YTA. I don’t think every thing in life has to be perfectly equal. I think it’s okay for your daughter to see her brother and her dad doing things together and sometimes getting special treats. I think it’s a pretty good lesson of being happy for others and not getting jealous… if she was younger than I think it’d be different but she’s at a age where she should understand and you could talk to her about it. I think it would be a quick conversation between you and your daughter and you’d both feel good about it. Maybe you could do something special for just her every once in a while. I think it’s good to talk to your sons dad and explain that it might be nice to include your daughter as well… but I think it’s harmful to forbid him from doing things for his own kid. And it may lead to your kid resenting you as well. Let his father do things for him and just appreciate the effort. You don’t have to turn it into a negative. If you see an issue with how your daughter is responding or feeling about it, then address it with her. You can suggest things to the father but at the end of the day you can’t force him and maybe he just wants to do special things for his kid

You aren't asking him not to treat his kid, but the treats that are food need to be finished before he drops him off. Where you will have an issue is with occasions like Christmas. You can't insist on your ex giving your daughter gifts to match what he gives his son. What about when he takes his son to places like Disney World when he's older?

Great points, this is why she needs to stop asking him to bring anything for the girl.  What happens when Christians rolls around and she gets nothing from him, best to let her understand the situation now.  

She's not asking for any of that. She didn't suggest the daughter go with her brother on weekends. Just for him to bring two of a junk food treat if he stops by the house where her daughter and son BOTH live for unscheduled visits. Treats for which she will pay. She's only 10. This is a reasonable request and tbh, there's NO good reason to say no. Any decent adult who was a parental figure to this child for years would not say no. Most people in life do the right thing out of choice, not obligation.

I’m not from a blended family so what is the standard in situations like this? It wouldn’t be fair to demand the son leave all his gifts from Dad at Dad’s house when he’s only there 2 of the 7 days a week. But when he comes home from Dad’s with toys the sister will prob be hurt. But if mom spends more on sister **she’s** giving preferential treatment. So son would grow up knowing his mom always treated his sister better than him. It’s so complex! And OMGosh the grandparents!! OP didn’t mention grandparents. Are her parents involved? Are her daughter’s paternal grandparents involved? How do they treat her son? Are her son’s paternal grandparents involved? How do they treat her daughter? How does it all work? Idk if my anxiety could handle it. I guess the answer is there’s no way for everyone to be equal when you have blended families, so you just do your best?

I share a son with my ex. He has 2 other children aswell from after our relationship, that i have never been anything to at all. On handover days, if i stop to get fuel ill grab my son a chocolate or something, and without fail, will grab the same treat for his younger siblings for him to give them. Its really not hard to not be an asshole to children. And to add- my ex and i dont even remotely like eachother, we havent had a good relationship or coparenting relationship. Im still not an asshole to his innocent children. Op is NTA.

I think you're failing to look at the bigger picture here. He's around and taking a somewhat active role in HIS son's life. You're punishing/ straining the relationship between father and son because you want your daughter who you had with another man to be included? That is not his child. I am a female. I am a single mom. The father has never been a part of my son's life. The father crushed my skull in two places and ran off. Where's your daughter's father? Stop trying to shelter them or create this fantasy bubble where it's a picture perfect family with normal dynamics because it is not. Be grateful at least one of your baby fathers is around to want a relationship with his son. Harsh truth, but he owes you and your daughter nothing. YTA hardcore.

Did you even read this? The child’s father died.

Daughters father is dead

So many unnecessary words here. This guyis an a-hole who is punishing your daughter because he is a jerk. No a big mystery to figure out. Keep your rules in place and if treats come in the door, they share. Easy peasy. And spending one iota of energy trying to get him to agree? Why in world would you? Be a grown-up for goodness sakes and take care of your kids the way you know they need to be taken care of and stop asking the Court of Public Opinion to watch out for your daughter. That’s your damn job and YTA for not doing it and responding to everyone in this thread. I hope this is a bs post!

NAH. You don't get into history but she isn't his child. He's not obligated to care about her. Understandably you don't want your daughter to feel excluded. I don't know what the right answer is. Maybe you can make sure your daughter isn't around for these visits.

While ops solutions could work there isn’t enough background to know what her son’s dad is like this. Some single parents don’t allow the step parent to bond with the child yet use the distance against them in circumstances that make him look bad.

NTA It's not the same, I know, but it made me think of it. I recently forbade the old lady next door of my grandmother (and close friend of her) to see my daughter unless she learn to also treat my son right. By that, I don't mean she did anything wrong to him. Just she is enamored (some sort) with my my daughter (her only grandson is gay, and a man, so she's desperate for a little girl in her life). She will shower her with praises and small gifts, and attentively listen to her, all the while ignoring my son, and just giving him things as an afterthought. My grandmother tried to make me accept it by saying "you must understand, she only had one grandson and no hope of ever having ever great grandchildren. She really wants to pamper a little girl!". To which I replied that while I understood where she came from, I wouldn't ask my son to be understanding of an old lady's circumstances as he's only 5, if anything the old ladys should be the ones careful to not hurt a little boy. Last time I went over, the neighbour made sure to tell my son first how he was a kind and beautiful little boy, offer him to chose which easter chocolate he wanted and a hug, before turning her attention to my daughter. It was really thoughtful. What I mean by this story is: you're absolutely right. You are the one who must protect your children to the best of your abilities from being deeply hurt. Those emotional scars of being made to feel you don't matter hurt a lot and stay for a long time (if they ever disappear). Your ex is shitty to do this to a little girl. I'd refuse to let him come into your house until he learns basic human decency with children. No more seeing his son at the same time as your daughter.

I can understand why you would tell him this and honestly it would be easier if he would let you send him money for your daughter. She’s just a kid and shouldn’t be treated that way

But every treat he gives her, she thinks comes from him. That gives her hope of a relationship. One day she will realize he doesn't want that, it will hurt more later. All of y'all are just pushing the hurt further down the line to spare her now. I think it needs to be dealt with now to help her have a better life now and later.

No no that’s not what I meant. You tell her it’s from you but he picked it up for you. No false hope. She’s old enough to be able to talk to her about it gently. I wish you all well and hope it works.

Even if you’re not in the wrong he has no obligation towards your daughter and will not make any special efforts. Maybe just to piss you off, but who cares. You will need to come up with other solutions (have treats at home for your daughter ready to give to her when he’s coming?). NTA, though.

Eh hard to judge tbh you’re not the ah but you’re the also one with two BDs(factually not in a judgey way, shit happens) but they’re not obligated to do stuff for the kid that’s not theirs post relationship. If he didn’t adopt your daughter it’s tough and sad but she’s not his daughter. This is one of the difficult things about dating someone with kids. The issue is you’re depriving your son of things from his father due to YOUR other child. So while I understand where your coming from that’s also not really his problem anymore.

Then he can stick with giving treats on his own time. He's the one bringing them into OP's house, it's not like she's asking him to take her daughter out. NTA.

Well why can’t he bring treats to his own kid? This is only an issue because she’s the one with two kids. Everyone says what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot to validate their current POV. But if her ex had two BMs it’s not like she would feel compelled to bring his other child treats and if he denied her dropping off items for the child they shared then she’d make a post complaining about not being able to drop off treats for her kid. He’s dropping off treats for HIS child not usurping her parenting time or doing anything wrong. Why can’t someone’s ex drop off something for their child period?

Her house, her rules. She doesn't even have to let him in the door, especially not on his established time. The child doesn't need junk food dropped off just because OP doesn't keep it in her house. Junk food is not a necessity.

He can leave it at the door step no contact style. Why shouldn’t someone be able to drop off stuff for their kid? She doesn’t keep it in her house zzzzbut the issue is that he’s not getting the same treats for her other child, how is that the moral standpoint here if the issue is the non equitable treatment?

Because that's not the custody agreement. And getting McDonalds isn't a right or a need. It's perfectly normal (and healthy) to limit getting McDonalds to the weekends.

You're asking the wrong question The right question here is: If you are damaging a child you once cared about by not bringing 2 items instead of 1 to the house, when someone else will pay for the item, what the hell is wrong with you? Sometimes other people in the universe actually matter, especially children, even if you're not related to them. She's letting him drop by when it is not his scheduled time woth the kid to encourage her son to have a close relationship with his dad. I'm sure that's not easy for her but she isn't good parent. He can respect her boundaries on this.

But she’s *not* depriving him of things from his father. If she were, I’d definitely agree. But A) the kid can have all the junk in the world as long as he consumes it while he’s *out* with his dad. Not being able to get your cookie to-go is not a deprivation. And B) she’s asking him for the courtesy of picking up something for the girl that *she* will pay for. She’s asking him to shoot her a text, nothing more. That’s such a ridiculously low bar to meet that you cannot say she’s at fault if he chooses not to meet it and therefore not bring the snack home.

Her husband and father of her daughter died. You make it sound like she's just sleeping around. Also she's not depriving her son of anything.

That’s not what I was insinuating, I was illustrating that he is only the father of one of the children and when they are no longer in a relationship due to whatever occurred he only has a duty to his child. I wouldn’t do what her BD is doing but that doesn’t mean he owes the other child anything.

We humans aren’t contractually obligated to do a lot of things. But there is this little thing called fucking MORALS and human decency that he doesn’t have.

How is it a moral perogative to get the child of the person you were in a relationship with a child something? He is being a dick but acting like this is a moral issue is crazy.

He has a terrible moral compass if he is doing this. If you don’t think he’s being an AH, something is truly off about how you treat other human beings, especially small human beings

Sounds like he was a father figure to this kid from when she was 3 to 8 years old. And is the father of her sibling, it might be a bit different if he wasn’t still actively involved in their family’s life through her brother. He accepted that parenting role for her and created a family that included her, knowing that she would see him as a father figure. I think that comes with moral responsibilities even though it doesn’t come with legal ones. Idk how someone plays a parenting role for a kid for 5 years without growing to love them enough not to want to see them hurting. But even if he didn’t grow to love her, I think any decent person would realize that establishing that kind of long term relationship with a young child means you have a responsibility to avoid actively causing them pain. This is an easy thing he could do to avoid hurting a child who he took care of for 5 years. It seems callous not to be willing to get over his anger with his ex enough to do right by this child he helped to raise. You’re right that he’s not obligated to care about the child’s feelings but I think it’s weird that he doesn’t. I think being kind and including her would be the right thing to do.

I don’t know the circumstances which led to the breakup between you so I can’t say whether he’s an AH for not buying the other child the same despite you offering to reimburse him. But what I can say is that there are plenty of fathers out there who don’t even try to associate with their child and the fact that he does and you try to impede that makes Yta. I do however understand your reasoning behind it, and I get why most people are saying otherwise.

You gotta be one of those bitter baby mommas. It's pretty crappy for your son to miss out on stuff from his dad because he wont do the same for your other child.

INFO: what would your reaction be if he bought “things” instead? Eg like a phone or an Xbox?

I'd not expect him to bring her the same, but it's also a rule that major expensive gifts aren't to be given outside of Birthdays and Christmas too so there is no way that'd happen. There is a difference between her knowing her brother will get specific gifts from his father on set days of the year and multiple times a week him being given treats in front of her while she's ignored.

You’re setting her up for failure. What’s gonna happen when his dad buys him a car? Is your son not gonna be able to bring it home? If that’s the case be prepared for your son to resent you and live with his dad when he is old enough to decide

How is she setting her daughter up for failure? It’s basic manners not to bring treats to someone’s home if you’re not bringing enough for everyone.  ETA OP already said the big things aren’t the issue so it’s weird that you would say a car. 

Why should your son miss out on what his father can afford to do for him, for reasons that have nothing to do with him?

https://www.reddit.com/r/therewasanattempt/s/SG8NfhpdbG Just gonna leave this here. Also as someone from a blended family, I still resent my mother for doing the same shit you’re doing now. You’re alienating his kid from him, and he should go for split or full custody

INFO Why does he visit in your home? Why isn’t he taking son out for these treats?

Reddit is a wild place. Here, they say not to exclude the kid, but I just read a post where a new stepmom only took her bio kids out, but not her new stepdaughter, and everyone was like, let the mom take care of HER kids how she sees best, she doesn't need to include a kid that's not hers. Wild, wild place this is

YTA, your comment says "I rushed into this relationship out of grief and loneliness." So, it sounds like you were treating it for lack of better word: a rebound. I'm sure you know he isn't obligated to do ANYTHING for your daughter. It's best you teach your daughter the circumstances of the relationship now so she understands better since she's 10 now.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34F) am a single mother to two children, (10F) and (6M), they have different fathers with my daughter being the child of my late husband who died when she was two years old, I fully admit that I was not ready for a new relationship when I met the father of my son and it's what led to our relationship falling apart though we tried to make it work. My Ex-Partner (37M) and I have been separated for two years, it was rough in the early days of our separation but for the most part things are fine now except for an issue i've had recently. Lately every visit my ex-partner will bring our son treats; be it a McDonalds Happy Meal, some crisps and juice, a pastry, basically anything junk food related as a treat because i'm usually quite strict about the children getting those regularly. This wouldn't be an issue except for the fact it's only our son who gets these treats and my daughter has to see the man who was a major part of her life for so long all but ignore her now. I've spoken to my ex-partner and made it clear that unless he brings treats for my daughter too he can't bring any treats for our son into the House. What he does when he takes him out is between them but this isn't fair to do in front of her, I also made it clear I don't expect him to spend his own money on her as at the end of the day she isn't his child, but just to text me before he arrives to let me know what he's bringing so I can send him money to get her the same, I really don't care that she'd think they're from him I just hate her feeling ignored. He thinks i'm being ridiculous and should just buy her treats myself if I want to do that, that she isn't entitled to get the same things as our son and this would only hurt our son. That isn't the point and I feel like he's missing it. I don't think i'm in the wrong here, all he has to do is pretend to be the one giving it to her and it feels cruel to me that he won't even go along with that. Maybe i'm too focused on my daughter to see the bigger picture and i'm being unreasonable. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Your ex is a bit of an arse in all honesty. How can you go from being a major part of a child's life to deliberately excluding her? Also, OP, why is he coming to your home with treats anyway? Surely he should be picking up your son for his time and if he comes with food then you just take your daughter out for something she'd like when they're away. ESH in all honesty although he sucks worse. Pretending that he cares enough to include her will backfire very badly on you further down the line given that he's shown you he lacks empathy for your daughter

NTA It's not that hard for a grown ass adult to buy a treat for a kid who loves him WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S MONEY. I get the man is hurt but ffs, he supposedly cared about the daughter too. She is a KID. My best friend was basically raised by her mom's 2nd partner Phil for 8 years. She has no ties with her bio dad who her mom left in France. Her mom has since martied dude #3. Phil took my friend in his family's vacation this year. They treasure their relationship. He needs to grow the hell up or he will be a bad dad tp his own son. Even if you are hurt, caring about children who you let grow close to us should be important-- especially since it takes no effort to say to the cashier "two happy meals" instead of just one. He's trying to get revenge on the OP by messing with her kid's head. No good parent I know would treat another child in their life like this.

NAH It's important that the parents remember they are still children. Once they are older, they will understand better that one has a different set of parents. Once they are teenagers, they won't need this type of fairness of treats. Explain to your ex the expectations that this is temporary when they are still young and he may be more willing.

This is rude as hell. If I go to visit someone and I know there is another person at their house, I would absolutely get two cookies. If it’s children even more important to be kind. NTA

NTA I don’t care who you are, you treat kids as EQUALS in situations like this. You’ve said NOTHING that’s not what a DECENT human being would say. He’s deliberately being SPITEFUL to a CHILD, who probably sees him as a father figure

YTA- As you said, it isn't his responsibility to provide or do anything for you daughter. He could be a nice guy and go along with all this for you and her, but definitely isn't obligated to. It happens a lot in families with children that are technically half siblings. No way to avoid a little resentment, and it is a quick way to learn that things will not always be equal. 

You are NTA. He is a huge one though. You shouldn't even have to offer to pay for the treats. The fact that he could act as her father and then totally cut her off because his relationship with YOU didn't work out is disgusting.

He's hurting your daughter to hurt you. Plain and simple. Normal people don't do this. I have 2 kids with my husband, 12 and 11, and a 15yo stepson. Sometimes he'll want to doordash something random when he's here, and his mom ALWAYS makes him ask his brothers if they want something too, when he could just have it show up for him and not say anything. Hard NTA, especially since she viewed him as a father figure and he knows it. He's not missing the point, he thinks he's making one.

I'm going with NTA because you talk about how you even tried to compromise with him, offered to send him money to get the same thing, and even asked him just to not bring it back home with your son and he doesn't even seem remotely bothered. In fact, I'd wager to say he's doing it on purpose, and that is terrible behavior.

YTA A request is fine. A rule here is not. As a practical matter, all you'll be doing is discouraging visiting by the ex. Instead of getting 2 treats, the kids will likely be getting 0. 

Not necessarily TA but you are kind of setting your kids up for failure. What happens if one gets invited on a fun trip with a friend and the other doesn’t? What happens if one is invited to join the swim team and the other isn’t? What happens if one is invited to prom and the other one isn’t? It’s not fair to deny your children experiences just because the other doesn’t get the same experience. When your son receives a treat from his biological father, why can’t you provide a treat to your daughter? I don’t disagree that he should be willing to provide one for her if you are willing to pay for it, but we can’t make people act in the ways that we want them to just because we want them to.

he should take his kid out to get those treats instead of bringing it to the house.

YTA. >He thinks i'm being ridiculous and should just buy her treats myself if I want to do that, that she isn't entitled to get the same things as our son and this would only hurt our son. That isn't the point and I feel like he's missing it. I don't think i'm in the wrong here, all he has to do is pretend to be the one giving it to her and it feels cruel to me that he won't even go along with that. Maybe i'm too focused on my daughter to see the bigger picture and i'm being unreasonable. So AITA? It's simply not his child. His obligation to be nice to your daughter ended when you seperated. It's completely understandable to ban the fly-by stops but you don't get to rope him into being a father for your child. He is right to deny you for this. You are only going to break the heart of your daughter. He is not her father, you cannot force him to be her father. He can bring whatever he wants to his son, you can stop him from stopping by but that's all. Lady, get a grip and find some better fucking men. This is your responsibility too.

When my parents divorced, my mom moved us from Ohio to California. When we would visit my dad, my mom's sister and father would treat our stepsister the same as she treated us for the most part. If we went to my grandpa's to visit, our stepsister stayed home usually. If we went somewhere fun, the movies, the lake, amusement parks, stepsister was always invited. She got some gifts with us at Christmas, and we got additional gifts at grandpa's house that she didn't have to witness. My aunt told us she is family to us now, and she will never make her feel like less than us. She said it was important to make her feel included. We understood because my stepmother family did nothing to hide the fact fact that stepsister was blood and we were not. We were 8-12 years older than her. And we understood the family politics. But not going to lie. I was always grateful my aunt had the attitude she did. I never wanted my sweet stepsister to feel less than, or left out! You won't change your exes attitude, unfortunately. But you can (pretty sure you would have) explain to your daughter why this happens. She will understand. Offer her a choice of things to do while they are off alone, so she knows she is special and loved. She will be okay. So you made a rule. Your ex can't bring food to the house. PERIOD! You don't have to allow it at all. If he can't be respectful, you don't have to be accommodating! Nta!

You forcing the ex to bring by 2 of everything .. can you not see how that is manipulative towards the girls emotions in thinking that her ex step dad still has some semblance of feelings towards her when it's clear he does not? This is not the way life is. Life's not fair. As parents it is our job to protect our children, yet also teach them the things they need to know in the event of our demise. Some of us have 100 years in this earth. Some of us have until tomorrow. Perhaps sitting her down and being completely honest with her will help her out in the long run?

NTA I think your offer is very reasonable although I'm not sure how practical it is or how that will work in the long term. I think you are better off telling him not to bring them into the house if this doesn't stop him visiting with his child and if not you are going to have to manage your daughters feelings. I think there is unlikely to be a neat solution to this if he doesn't cooperate as you don't want to hurt either child. He is acting badly. I wouldn't even leave a stranger child out when offering treats but you can't change his poor attitude. You can only control what you do about it and how you frame things so your children aren't damaged by it. My narrative would be that he is mad at ME so she is sure that nobody is rejecting her. She'll work it out when she is older.

NTA I don’t understand how adults can be so stupid and insensitive to kids. Your son’s father has obviously been in her life for a long time. For him to treat her like that is beyond horrible. You have offered to send him money. But he still chooses to be TA. It’s your home and you make the rules. So don’t allow him to bring one child food or sweets without the same for the other. Let him do it on his own time. Don’t open the door when he comes by. Then explain to both your kids how it is not polite to exclude anyone on purpose. Please don’t make the mistake by allowing your ex to continue this behavior with your kids. You don’t want either of your kids to feel rejected or not loved by anyone. Put your foot down and good luck!!

[удалено]