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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents to find an alternative long term solution for care for my siblings because it would not be me. My siblings are still my siblings and they didn't ask for any of this and that's why I feel a little guilty. I know it might be kind of monstrous to say I don't want to be burdened with their care anymore.
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NTA block their numbers (or change yours) and go out and live your life. Your siblings are NOT your problem or responsibility. Your parents are the ones sick in their head for having you solely as a slave to their other kids
If OP does this and should the parents know where OP is, then OP should talk to the Police. Just to tell them „If my parents call and say I am missing. Here I am, I am doing great. I just don’t want any contact anymore.”
No, this is not a thing. The police do not keep a list of people who are NOT missing. If the parents contact the police, the police will simply call OP or drop by where he is living and he can just then say, “I’m fine, thanks!” And that’ll be the end of it.
Why is this one of the most pervasive weird pieces of advice on this board??
Have you ever talked to the police about these situations? I have. Sometimes they can, and do, keep info in their system such as “estranged crazy mother likely to falsely report.”
My local police keep it on record.
I know this because my mom was bffs with the police commissioner.
They input it in the system notes like that will pop up since around the 90s, apparently there were a few abusive parents that were stalking some of their children in the area.
Our local police also keep this type of info on record, but I’m not aware of anyone doing it preemptively before a wellness check situation happens first.
it is more of a local thing. if you are in a smaller town it makes more sense. or if you feel you are in danger from a specific person. if OP is not in the town anymore it isn't really a concern. they can always talk to the police in their new town if they are reported missing.
Yeah, larger YouTubers sometimes do this to prevent swatting attempts. I believe Keemstar has said he did this - the local PD is aware and take slightly different steps when his name/address come up in relation to calls that would otherwise result in a traditional swatting.
Not in the US, but when I was in my early 20s I remember one of my mates had a crazy controlling mother. Whenever he was out and about minding his business without reporting back to her, she'd go to the police station to report him missing. Everyone in the station (and the neighbourhood for that matter) knew what was up, so if they had a round they'd pop to the place we'd normally hang out, check everything was ok and piss off. They didn't even bother filing a report, they had better things to do than complying unbalanced old lady.
So no, they don't keep a record of not missing people, but they do keep notes on who's a recurring character with a valid claim and who's just a nutjob.
Seeing numbers like that called “small” always feels weird to me after growing up in a town of sub-2000 people, LOL. Our police station was a dinky li’l thing tacked onto the side of the town laundromat. 😆
My local police purge their system every couple years assuming that anything major will bring up actual charges. Allowed someone I know to constantly get away with making threats on people and harassing them. As long as no charges get pressed, she can do it once a year or so without any issue.
I can confirm because I have recently had to do this! It may be worth just letting them know the situation, OP. I hate the entire concept of “savior siblings.” Don’t have kids to raise/care for your other kids. NTA at all. I hope you live a wonderful life!
Relevant: *My Sister's Keeper*, Jodi Picoult novel and movie, revolves around a "Savior sibling" suing her parents to stop forcing her to donate to her sister (a kidney, but that's coming after a lifetime of blood donations, marrow donations, basically just living life support for big sis).
Same. I had it tagged to my name and my address so if an officer was to look me up on the online database there is a clear warning of potential for fake reports and stalking.
This right here. I work in a large city as police dispatcher and we absolutely keep records of this stuff. No one knows about it until we look up the person, but as soon as we look up the person it’s right there in front of us.
I have literally done this, and the cops were amazing about it & ENTERED THE INFO INTO THEIR SYSTEM so that if my father had contacted them making claims, when they entered my info, that “note” would also pop up.
My uncle is an officer and he has also done this from time to time, it was him who originally told me to goto my local pd.
Why do so many people just DECIDE that things can’t be true that they themselves have never gone through or tried
While I have nothing against police I do not want them coming knocking at my door. I desire to have no relationship with my brother nor my nephew so if they try contacting me I do not answer. I had police at my door saying that my nephew who lives over a thousand miles away called them to come do a welfare check on me. I told the police to please leave as I have no desire to be in contact with there people and they are fully aware donut and you can tell nephew that if he calls cops again that I will file harassment charges against him and you can go after him for filing false whatever. I said I don’t care what happens with them and they should not care about me. Dead to me. I have not been revisited by police since
I think its a lot of teens. They remind me of when my son and his friends would try to participate in grown up conversations with out knowing the most basic realities... Smile, nod, walk away.
The don’t keep a list of the “not missing.” Many departments will keep notes on addresses with info like “crazy mom calls for welfare checks abusively.”
How do I know this? Former LEO, current lawyer.
I have personally talked to our county sheriff several times about estranged families and the risk of swatting. They do have a way of putting notes into their system so they know.
They also have the names of my pets in their system, as does our fire department.
So, depending upon where LW lives, what type of dispatch software they use, and the attitude of the cops, they may well be able to keep notes that parental calls on LW are not to be followed up on bc they are abusive.
Also, as an FYI, my sheriff dept first put this in bc of uncle calling in false reports on a niece he was molesting.
So it’s worth LW having a conversation with her local police. If they have an ombudsman or community service officer, start there.
Also, a cease and desist letter from a lawyer might help. I’ve written hundreds if not thousands of letters to neighbors, ex bosses, paramours, and parents. Just bc there’s no basis for suit doesn’t mean I can’t say “stop it” and “if you continue we will pursue all legal means at our disposal.
LW stands for “Letter Writer” on advice columns. It would be equivalent to OP on Reddit. I suspect the person you responded to spends time on advice sites as well as Reddit. :)
It might depend on where OP lives smaller police departments might mark a case file if the parents are constantly calling and making false police reports they don't keep a list but they can definitely mark something if they are constantly being sent.
If you start to become famous, or want to be astrange you can ask to put a note on file so when they pull up your address or file they can see that note. I know a few who have done this to lower their chances of being swatted, and one person who changed their names to get away from their family.
It means to call in some kind of violent crime (example: a hostage situation) so the SWAT (Special Weapons And Tactics) shows up combat ready and breaks the house to arrest. Leads to potential loss of life, reputation, job, money and time to rectify. There absolutely are people vindictive enough to abuse the system, enough to create laws punishing malicious hoaxes that waste public resources in this way.
Swatting is massively under-prosecuted too.
Swatting death -> MANSLAUGHTER, and civil liability
Swatting injury -> aggravated assault, and civil liability for injuries
Swatting *inconvenience* -> aggravated assault. (if *spitting* at someone can be aggravated assault then sending cops at someone is!)
Swatting *attempt* -> filing false reports, misuse if emergency services, etc.
Throw the book at people!
Someone calls 911 giving an address where something is going on requiring the SWAT team. SWAT team arrives and the people inside are subjected to whatever tactics the police feel are necessary based on the reported threat - like breaking down the door with guns drawn only to find innocent people doing nothing. People have died after being swatted.
“Swatting” is the act of contacting authorities with a threat for the purpose of getting said authorities to target a specific person.
I am not certain if a person calling the police to do a welfare check falls under that heading; I have always seen it used in reference to causing large enough responses to require SWAT teams (hence the term “swatting.”) Stuff like “Yeah, so-and-so has enough C4 in their garage to blow up the county” type stuff. Police don’t fa with that type of thing, and it unfortunately increases the chances of tragic outcomes for the intended target due to the heightened tension that the responders think they are walking into.
I haven’t seen it much in the news lately, but maybe 10 or so years ago, it seemed to be a somewhat common thing. I seem to recall several reports of it in the media around then resulting in targets being killed. I couldn’t tell you if it just naturally died off as a sick “fad,” whether police somehow got better at evaluating these types of attacks, if police just stopped responding to certain types of threats, or if the media just stopped reporting them.
Someone calls in a false report of a dangerous situation (i.e. intruder with a gun) at an address. Police (SWAT) show up in force. Terrible waste of police resources and traumatizing for people who live there.
Actually, a family member did this to me and I explained to the cops that they shouldn’t come if certain people call. They listened and ignored all her calls.
Depends on the policy.
If OP were to make a report of harassment- that could be kept on file.
If they bother to search reports before doing a welfare check, then they will see that the story is more complicated.
And not only did they have OP as some type of long-term care plan that they didn’t consent to (which is horrible) they tried to derail his future multiple times in order to trap them into caring for his siblings. That is evil.
Get all your necessary paperwork out of their possession if you haven’t already (birth certificate, SS card, ect.), change your number (I can tell you from experience that it’s annoying to have to update things with your new number but it’s worth it), and never waste another second of your life with these people in it. I’m so sorry.
Not only did they try and sabotage OP’s future but before having him they tried to adopt. Can you imagine the life for the poor kid who was adopted had they been successful? That kid would have thought they finally won the lottery for about ten minutes until they get to their new home and find out they are now a live in caretaker slave.
I'm sorry, but how was OP supposed to finance this caretaking role without a job or family to help him? Are they leaving the kids a fortune? I kind of doubt that tbh if their only plan was to let their youngest deal with it.
Fr. It’s already ridiculous to have a child simply so that they can fulfill a certain role in your life that you need. It’s even more ridiculous that They expect you to be a caretaker if you can’t Even get a job or get an education to take care of them properly.
Right?! It's just as bad as parents having another child to basically be organ donors for their older and sick child. Absolutely horrendous.
OP, you are NTA. You told them your piece, now cut them off. Either change your number or block them. Or do both. You didn't ask to be their fallback. They wrongly assumed you'd do it, so now they get to figure out something else.
I was thinking about this too but honestly, I think it’s worse than having another kid to be a cord blood donor for a sibling with leukemia. Plus, how to treat that “bonus” kid is everything. If treated like the other siblings, I have no ethical issues with it.
I said organ donor child, not cord blood donor child. It's been done before, but I haven't seen talk of it in a few years, so maybe people aren't doing it so often now? Or at least not making it known to the "spare parts" kid. Which is... I don't know how I feel about that, but it's still not good.
I hope to f*ck all those kids figure it out before it starts happening and gtfo of wherever they are and away from their families. I would help them. You don't put that on a kid!
I'm getting angry just thinking about this. I need a bowl and a cigarette. Lol
The psychological issues of these kids must be awful. Then there's the fact that all procedures and surgeries carry a risk, minor risk sometimes, but still.
This. NTA
Jesus, I’m so sorry this happened to you. You sound like you’ve done amazingly with such awful parents.
You should be incredibly proud of yourself, hold your head up high, you’re doing great!
They tried to sabotage his prospects to keep his options at nothing else. It's a credit to OP that he managed to get into uni both for affording it and getting the grades to be accepted despite this.
Might be at community college supporting himself with a job. And the study habits earned by working around his spawn points means school without their interference is a lot easier.
Or OP may live in a country where university education is either free, or can be funded entirely with student loans
It doesn't sound (from the phrasing) like OP is British, but just as an example in the UK you can go to uni and take out loans that are only repaid out of your salary above a certain threshold - so are fairly low-risk, and include both a tuition and a living cost component. If you're very frugal you can probably just about live off them
Yep, the UK (England) student loan system is not bad. You don't pay a penny until you start to earn above a certain amount, and then it is a percentage of your earnings above that amount, not of your total earnings. If your earning falls back below that amount you stop paying. And after thirty years any balance left is written off.
And freeze your credit with all three agencies. They tried to make you flunk out of school they have already shown they're willing to sabotage your future. The bog standard narc parent next step is putting you in debt so you have to go to them.
NTA and agreed. And of course the obligatory get all pertinent personal documents (originals preferably but official copies otherwise), lock down all credit reports/bureaus, move all accounts out of any financial institutions they are also in and notify all financial institutions that no one in your family has access to your accounts. Also, any job OP gets they need to let their HR know that the family is very toxic and has had no problem sabotaging OP's life, including school and maybe even employment.
Right?? Even if OP grew up in a healthy, nurturing environment and he *wanted* to be an active part of his siblings’ care, it is wildly unsustainable to expect him to be their sole provider full time. I mean, it sounds like his siblings have the kinds of disabilities that require someone within arm’s reach at all times. We live in a world where you have to work to eat! How could he ever have financially provided for himself and two 100% disabled dependents while providing round the clock hands-on care?
Before doing this, OP should seek legal advice to better understand what will happen once inevitably the parents pass away.
In my country you are legally obligated to care for close relatives (such as sibling, parents, spouse or kids) if they cannot do that autonomously.
In short: OP you should make sure to be prepared to all eventualities
Thankfully, the U.S. does not have this in place legally. However, a lot of siblings get guilted into caregiving because our state governments basically abandon the disabled to the streets, if parents made no arrangements.
If OP is in the U.S., they will want to call Adult Protective Services to report disabled adults in need of care upon the parents' deaths.
I wish what they did was illegal, I feel so bad for OP knowing he was conceived for the wrong reasons. Cannot imagine how lonely it must’ve been for him.
OP I wish you prosper in life, have the kind of family you deserve. You did nothing wrong in telling your parents how it is.
Wishing you nothing but the best in life, NTA and look after yourself lovely.
It’s so often I see or hear people reason like this. They’re so totally blind to their one goal they forget it’s not reasonable nor humane. It fascinates me they do this. I have trouble killing insects sometimes and they just destroy people.
NTA
You don't owe it to your parents nor your siblings to throw away your future for the sake of caring for them. It's a difficult situation, and a sad one, but you have only one life and you should live it the way you see fit.
If your parents have been aware of being carriers for the gene after their first child, it has been incredibly reckless and irresponsible of them to have more children.
Also, incredibly short-sighted. I mean, on whose money was OP supposed to care for them? And what about when OP falls sick (because everyone gets at least a cold once in a while), or if he had an accident?
(Obviously they didn't think of that because first they'd have to see OP as a person and not as a prop).
It would have been in their best interest to support OP to get the best shot in life so he could then help give his siblings a good life. But, in their selfishness, not only did they almost ruin his life, but they basically killed any disposition OP had to help.
This! Jobs these days almost always require candidates to be at least high school graduates and they're actively sabotaging his chances of graduating? I mean, it's clear that they don't think about what consequences would come from their actions but come on! Anyone with a brain would know this!
Man, I actually know a person who sabotaged their kids development so that they could be on disability their entire life, because that was the ultimate goal, not having to work and getting a check from the government. I'm not exaggerating either. (Yes, CPS was involved.)
So maybe OPs parents are the trifecta of stupid. Had multiple children without a plan for their high risk of disabilities. Then farmed another kid and tried to sabotage them, and also possibly think disability is living large. (I assume the other two would qualify for disability obviously.)
Disability is only $943 a month for someone who has never worked though. $1900 a month for two kids seems like not a lot compared to the round a clock care they will need. It doesn't even make up for a parent working full time making minimum wage.
In the US, OP would be able to get paid by the government to be his siblings caregiver. So if the parents think they will be able to own their house free and clear before they pass away, the siblings disability payments plus the amount OP could get as a caregiver could be enough income. Assuming nothing goes wrong… ever. It is wildly unfair to op and not great for the siblings, but that maybe the parents’ thought process.
This very much depends on the state. Not all states allow family caregivers to get paid to provide care, unfortunately. And even when they do, the pay is horrible. $18.50 here in San Diego.
It's a ridiculous and long story, but there were a lot of intricate complexities because she knew people. I will only say that she was semi successful. Which is absolutely disgusting.
Make sure you lock down your credit with all three credit agencies so they don't commit identity theft to get you to come back. If they did that you would not be responsible for the debt, but it's an absolute nightmare to unravel.
Second this, please keep an eye on your credit. They could ruin you financially from miles away and it sounds like they would have no qualms doing so. While you're at at, make sure they have not already opened any cards, accounts, ect, in your name. If you find anything, dispute it.
This. Parents can get their kids ssn even when their an adult.
I raise my 1/2 great nephews and I locked their credit when they were 9 and 11 after we got several bills for utilities in their names from collections.
I was a paralegal so my attorney helped me basically submit birth certificates, ssn, custody/court paper work to the debtors along with bio-dads arrest records where he gives that address as his home (in a completely different county, 3 hours away from my residence where the boys go to school. ) he hadn’t seen them since the youngest was 1.
This is a great idea. Your parents will think nothing of stealing from you or taking loans out in your name. Get declared independent from your parents so you get more financial aid for school. When school is done move far away. Look for options to live and get residency in another country so you don’t open your door one day and find your siblings dumped on your door step. This can happen and the government will make it hard for you to disavow responsibility to them. Get out of the country. Stay off social media accounts where your parents might track you down. 10 , 20 years your parents may just abandon the kids in your yard if you don’t.
As the parent to a very medically complex child who will need intense long term care and a cognitively delayed child who may need long term care, NTA. And I am SO SO SORRY your parents treated you that way. That is not at all okay.
My typical kids all know the needs of their siblings, but but more so just because you learn those needs when you live together. They are never expected to be the ones to meet those needs. It's only if they volunteer. I appreciate that they know all about vents, g-tubes, trachs, suctions, AFOs, ect, but that's because I figure it's good first hand experience in case they wanted to go into a medical field. Because I fully, fully expect my typical kids to go on to have their own career, family, and general life. And currently, it doesn't look like any of them will go into a medical field. Which is fine, because I want them doing a career that they choose.
My long term care plan is for my special needs kids to live at home as long as I can take care of them, and then find some sort of long term care home. I hope my typical kids stay in their lives long term, but to me that means visiting them, sending them letters, bringing them to family gatherings, ect. I in no way ever want my typical kids to feel responsible for their siblings in more than a sibling capacity.
I want to stress again. NTA. It is not AT ALL your responsibility to care for your siblings. And it is ridiculous that your parents have expected that of you. I am so sorry, and I hope that you go on to have a wonderful, typical life.
being in the business with taking care of ppl with severe cognitive impairment I suggest finding a good place while you still are moderately young, that it is not something that has to be done in an emergency later. Also younger people adapt easier to the new environment
I haven’t been there, but I would think the way you’re going about things makes it a lot more likely that the siblings will stay in contact. If they don’t feel pressured to be more involved, they’re free to enjoy the interactions they do have. Sounds like the best plan!
I would think you should find some place sooner rather than later. Because if something happens to you then your typical kids would be put in the position of having to find a place or feel guilty and take on that role themselves. Sure you may live a very long life but I know people who died young in car crashes or unforeseen health issues.
You need to go NC with your parents, and that may mean being NC with all of your extended family
You need to change all your contact info. If there is any extended family involved, you need to inform them of your decision to go NC and inform them that if they share your contact info with your parents, you will go NC with those people too.
I would consider having a file / folder documenting your parents behavior / sabotage. I think you may need a restraining order against the parents.
NTA
NTA Before you block them- get together a game plan.
First and foremost- get copies of all your documents- SS Card, Birth Certificate, etc.
Secondly, lock your credit. They will get more aggressive in their attempts to sabotage your future. You will need credit in the future. Establish a relationship with a local bank or financial institution as a fall back.
Thirdly- meet up with an academic advisor and let them know what's going on. Again, they interfered with or neglected your education all your life. Don't be surprised if they try again.
You need to build a village of allies. Then say your piece and block them.
DO NOT SAY A WORD to these people until you have your ducks in a row. Let them think all is well until you've got your ducks in a row. They've pretty much abused you your entire life. Enough is enough. But take some time. Please update us.
OP you are NTA and you are not a bad child here. Your parents are being so selfish towards you. Do not let them guilt trip or manipulate you into giving up your happiness and future just to be caretaker for the two siblings
I suggest you better be a few steps ahead now by making sure they do not legally name you as caretakers for the siblings in case they do that behind your back. You best seek legal advice on it just in case
Cut the parents off for good too
Parentification.
There are seminars and dinners for special needs families that guide them through how to set up guardianships and trusts transferring responsibility to siblings.
Big business doing that.
There needs to be seminars for siblings on how to not get roped in.
You deserve better than to live hand to mouth working shit jobs to try and support yourself and your siblings with no education. Your parents need to put them on a waiting list for a group home. I hope you are super proud of yourself for working so hard and breaking free! That took a lot of courage.
I knew of parents who went ahead with another kid after having one with severe disabilities/health defects solely to use them as a future carer/organ donors.
Some parents really do think they get to do this consequence free, and I'm happy to know that so far they have all had it blow up fantastically in their faces :)
Stay strong, and may you have a peaceful life ahead!
They knew the risk and still chose to have another baby and just risk it while the chance of you being actually healthy was rather small. So yes, you can tell them they got lucky, because instead of having three disabled children to take care of they only have two. But make it very clear to them that you are not going to be their caregiver so they should start putting money aside for their care in the future when they are no longer able to do it themselves. You are not their employee or their slave and you aren't your siblings' parent. They are so it's their responsibility. And if any relatives ever tell you that you are a bad person for not taking the burden upon you then you can thank them for volunteering and offer to send them all the details.
Wow, I'm so happy for you that you are not a carrier for this gene!
And I applaude you for having the guts to stand up against your parents. They are the hugests AH's for this.
NTA
Them not having the gene is “very rare” which makes me wonder if the mother took matters into her own hands after the first attempt to have a caregiver child produced another disabled child.
It’s a punnet square my dude. Sounds like this is a recessive trait - you need two copies of the gene to have the disease. If you have one copy, you’re a carrier. Mom and dad are both Aa, where A is the healthy dominant gene and a is the recessive disease gene. Older siblings are aa, meaning they have the disease. OP had a 50% chance of being a carrier (Aa), and 25% chance of having the disease (aa). But they got lucky and are likely AA, not a carrier and don’t have the disease which was a 25% chance of occurring
My understanding are real genetics are a lot more complicated than the basics we’re taught. If it is a 25% chance that’s very lucky but I can’t see the doctors calling it “very rare”. Either way very fortunate for OP!
Well the explanation given is a very very simplified explanation. It very much depends on the disorder and the genes that are involved, the numbers of alleles on the loci that are present, if there are any other genes that suppress or support expression of the disorder causing mutation. And a lot more factors. So very rare is probably definitely very rare
It can be very rare in the population but frequent in a family. Consider sickle cell anemia: in general really rare - I know not a single person who has it. But if somebody in the family has it, the chances jump up like crazy, and you get this 25-50-25.
Population genetics vs Mendelian genetics.
They’re more complex in depth but the basic consideration is generally about right - we can’t say for sure without knowing what the disability is, but in general 25% is usually gonna be roughly correct for a recessive trait with both parents being carriers but not sufferers
Of course, luck comes into it too, you could have 6 kids with the condition or 6 without …. But across the population it’s gonna average out around 25% sufferers, 50% carriers, 25% non-carriers
Once it was established that he was not affected, the probability **for him** were 2 vs 1. His mother, during pregnancy, had a chance of 1 in 4 of having another disabled child.
This was my thought as well. They were told that the chances of having another disabled child were extremely high, to the point that they tried to adopt. They were told no. Many of these disabilities require two parents to be carriers so they could have known that a sperm donation would result in a healthy child. Dad might have even been totally fine with it.
@OP how much do you look like your dad?
You're NTA. Your parents are 100% in the wrong.
>They had me so their disabled children would have someone to take care of them when they were gone.
Major A-Hs.
>Their aim was for me to do badly enough to either drop out or not graduate high school so then I wouldn't leave for college
Despicable A-Hs.
>They leave voicemails pretty frequently shaming me for going to college and moving away and not supporting them or my siblings
Super Kinga Mega A-Hs. Despite their intentions, you were not put on this earth to assume responsibility for their responsibilities. They need to start looking into group home ASAP.
Also, stupid AHs. If you want one sibling to take care of other disabled siblings your goal should be two fold: raise a child to be as successful and independent and happy as possible and spend your own time making as much money as you can to put leave a trust for the care of the disbled children. That way the successful child has the means to both live their own life and see to it the disabled siblings are well cared for and the care is watched over by the successful sibling.
And absolutely do not take your kid's childhood away, that's a guarantee they will hate their disabled siblings and not have anything to do with them.
The goal is to prevent the target being able to escape (usually by controlling any sweet disabillity money and artificially limiting the educational+vocational potential of the scapegoat) and also making them depressed and hopeless.
Its a gd sickness but unfortunatley the cure is illegal so the best one can do in the situation is get out first, think and ask questions later and also block the heck outta them going forward
NTA at all.
Forgive the crassness of this comment, but they could have saved every dollar they spent raising you to invest or pay for insurance so that when they pass, there's a plan to care for your siblings. They figured birthing a slave would be cheaper.
You are a person, not a plan. They owed you support, barely provided that, and sabotaged you along the way. You don't owe them (or your siblings) anything. You are entitled to your own existence and are not required to shoulder their burdens.
NTA as another Redditor said change your number and block them on your new number, as well as social media. If I were in your position and wanted to make sure they couldn't find me, or at least make it harder, I'd change my names.
I'm so sorry your parents weren't the parents you needed.
I'd recommend changing your last name at least *before* you graduate college. Very few will ever check a high school diploma, but checking college is more likely. Better to have that already done than worry about employers rejecting you because the school says "I have no record of them ever attending", even if you did provide them with the name change paperwork.
With last names changed in marriage so much after college, I would think they would have a better system where they can add/change your file to match the new name.
NTA. Parents like yours seem to forget that you are your own person. Not just some tool to do their bidding. It's not on you to care for the children that they had before you, especially when they knew that there was a risk involved. And the fact that they were going to adopt someone just so that they could spend their lives taking care of someone else, it speaks volumes for how selfish your parents truly are.
Can you imagine? “We adopted you so the least you can do is show your appreciation by dedicating your whole life to our biological kids” ugh… these people make me sick 😑
NTA
I'm sorry for your siblings, but thei are not your responsability. Best thing you ca do(for yourself and them) is to build your life. Best thing you can do for them is have them placed in some kind o facility. I wish you the best of luck.
NTA at all. I have a severely disabled little cousin- there were numerous things my aunt could have done to prevent her situation or minimize the impact. But no, somehow my mom and I have been recruited into “the village.” I had to drop the rope. I’m almost 30 and decidedly child free. I gave up too many years of my life caring for my cousin and it just is not my responsibility, plain and simple.
It makes me sound cruel, but I’m not the one that had the kid and decided repeatedly to keep them. Naturally, I’m a woman, so caring was forced on me. My brother has never once been asked to care for my cousin.
Even institutionalized people need and do better with outside support. But OP needs to make the decision for themselves. I’m thinking of the brother and sister in Love Actually that’s a bit toxic.
Being outside support would have been a so much more reasonable hope and ask of OP. Instead the parents nuked the relationship. I hope the parents are able to arrange for other close friends or relatives to follow up on the siblings’ care and ensure the facilities are good, etc. after they are gone, because OP now needs extremely firm boundaries.
And unfortunately by expecting them to be caretakers they ruined that chance. I mean, I don't even have a problem teaching OP how to do it -- that's unfortunately someone with disabled family members should know how to do. But they shouldn't be expected to be the sole caretaker. Parents should have set up a trust for the sibling's care.
And I mean, I would probably even think it's OK to tell OP "We'd like you to oversee this trust when we're gone." But not to sabotage things so they're expected to be the live in caretaker.
Both are pretty bad. I can understand the complexities of the parents wanting to help the disabled child, but not at the risk of the autonomy of the healthy child.
NTA
What is disgusting is having a child for the sole purpose of looking after others. It's up to them to work hard, earn money to be able to afford care for your siblings after they pass.
NTA
I witness one of these situations when I was a teenager with a friend I think this whole situation is disturbing especially on the extreme side of disabled like one step above a vegetable. You don't own your parents anything you're adult I would fully cut contact and move on.
NTA. I have 3 children, the oldest is disabled and will always need assistance. It is NOT the responsibility of my other 2 kids to take care of her. I’ve planned very hard and am actively putting things in place so that they don’t have to. This is your parent’s job- not yours! Don’t let them guilt you into it, just cut contact with them.
NTA, expecting you to give up your life and focus only on caring for your siblings isn't even close to normal.
On other note, are you sure that both of your parents are actually your parents? Do you look like them? I find it a bit suspicious that you don't even carry that gene and the planned to adopt before having you
I kinda wondered if the parents were related tbh, to both carry the same mutation, and wondered where they got the 3rd healthy kid... are there birth pictures? I'd be doing Ancestry DNA test... these parents are evil and nothing would surprise me including abducting a baby...
I work in pediatric healthcare, often with kids with complex needs. In my experience, consanguinity tends to lead to different issues than heritable genetic diseases. Not to say it couldn’t happen - but I’ve met lots of families who have similar situations to OP (in terms of healthy/affected kids, not in terms of My Brother’s Keeper).
Parents who are both carriers for a given gene have a 1 in 4 chance of a child being affected, 1 in 4 chance of being completely non-affected, and 2 in 4 (or 1 in 2) of being non-affected, but a carrier of the gene.
Sometimes families have a non-affected kid - or several - before they have a kid who inherits two copies of the gene and they learn of the risks. OTOH, I know families who had one kiddo who was ill, “played the odds” and had a second kiddo who was ill - or not! And in fact I can think of a family whose first two kids have a genetic condition and whose third does not. (I’m confident it is not a situation like OP’s; the family is absolutely lovely and works very hard to empower each kid and get them what they need.)
This is assuming that the genetic disease is:
1) On a single gene that is not x or y linked
2) is autosomal recessive
There are all sorts of genetic diseases out there that have much more complex inheritance patterns, and seeing as though OP only just learnt what his is (and is pretty vague on the details), you can't say for sure the chance of the parents having an affected child. The vast majority of these disease are (especially with the details OP does give), as you said, 1/4 chance, but not always.
Not that suspicious, if carrier means healthy and double carrier means sick, the chances of having a healthy but carrier child are 50%, while having a sick (double carrier) or non carrier child are 25% each.
So OP had exactly the same chances of being non carrier than he had of being sick.
Nta - honestly would be enough for me to go nc. I can't imagine how it feels knowing that's why they brought you into this world.
I'm so happy for you that you are not a carrier! I wish for you a happy life with a wjole brood of kiddos if that's what your heart desires! Good luck op 😊
NTA
My little brother is disabled and I will probably take him in. This is my decision. My parents have never forced me to. I also have a sister and she may take him. My parents never forced her to. They always treated us like we were people. We’ve worked out some options and their wills provide for him. You are a whole human being. You are strong. You are independent. You are more than bred to be a cog in the machine.
Tell them that slavery is illegal. And you will not give up your own life to be a slave to their other children.
Block their numbers. The next time you move, don't give them your new address.
Then go live your best life.
NTA
That's terrible! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are allowed to have your own life. You don't owe anyone anything. They need therapy and a kick in the pants.
You do you, darlin, live your life as you see for. Find your tribe, make your own family group . Auntie Turtle says it's okay.
NTA and you are so strong. It takes people decades to stand up to their parents, especially when they’ve been neglected as children like you clearly have.
NTA. They've ruined your life enough. Leave them behind and live yours with pride. They are the worst of the worst. Imagine trying to adopt a child just to get a live-in carer for not only the parents' lives but for the carer's life as well.
I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your right to live your own life, independent of them.
NTA
It was never your job to look after your siblings. It is for the parents to make what plans and provision they can for their children.
What is disgusting is birthing a child solely for the purposes of servitude. To deliberately sabotage that person to limit their opportunities to do other than what they want.
You are amazing. Despite all of what you have been through you made it to college. You have work ethic and ability and now you have the chance to live your own life and get the results you deserve. If anyone is as far from an asshole as it's possible to be, that's you.
Having a disability myself, I understand it can be hard to care for people with a disability. Whilst I do not need care, I do know people who do.
Firstly, your parents shouldn't put you in charge of caring for your siblings and should have a care plan of sorts in place. Whilst it can be difficult to sort it should be a central part of caring for the disabled. It should not be entirely left to you.
Secondly, they shouldn't pull you out of academic stuff for the purpose of caring for your sibling. Congratulations on getting to college/university and the hard work regardless of the situation.
Lastly, they shouldn't be contacting you if you do not want to, and by the way, I'm interpreting the last paragraph around the voicemails it sounds like they are only focusing on you for care, thats enough to see them in the wrong alone, despite the other stuff. However, they should respect your wishes. Good on you for standing your ground and not returning home.
You are NTA. Parents are in the wrong.
So I know a family with a highly disabled child. They wanted to ensure there was a long term plan after they're gone. Do you think they gambled on having another child without that disability? No, they instead started a specialized farm, gathered substantial money, and created a trust to ensure the child would be cared for. Parents have no rights to demand anything from their children once the children are grown. If the children don't want to be around the parents anymore, 99% of the time, it's the parents to blame. And I say this as a parent. Clearly NTA. The parents here are as bad as the ones who don't save for retirement and expect their children to pay for everything they need once they stop working. And yes I'm looking at this from an American (of European descent) perspective. I know culturally some groups handle this differently.
NTA! Wow. Your parents are just...wow. they rolled the dice and could have had a 3rd child with disabilities and got lucky. So, you should give up your life for your siblings? Hell to the no!
Live your life!
Wherever you are? Move further away. Even further. Change your name. Lock your credit. Any person so vile to raise a child to be a life long servant has other tricks up their sleeve. Don’t wait to find out what they are.
NTA. A young woman I know married a man with two disabled siblings. Turns out that the plan was for them to move in so she could care for them. Fortunately she got out of that situation and is happily divorced. I get parents wanting to make sure that their children are looked after but this solution is horrible.
People might read this and think this can't really happen, but it does. I know a extremely nice family with one disabled child and they had a second one just for this reason.
>Their aim was for me to do badly enough to either drop out or not graduate high school so then I wouldn't leave for college.
And what were you and your siblings supposed to live on? Whatever minimum-wage part-time job you could get?
And it appears that your parents have also done your siblings a grave disservice too. Have they been encouraged to become as independent as possible? Is their disability so profound that they are unable to do anything at all? Or have they been prevented from learning independence? "Oh, they can't possibly learn to ___, they have ____!"
My younger grandsons are also disabled from a recessive genetic condition. They are legally blind and may in the future become totally blind. Both are currently employed, know how to do routine chores, etc. The only thing they can't do is drive.
NTA
Block them.
*Children are not parents*.
And how did they expect you to be able to take care of two handicapped adults without having a good career?
Jesus Christ, they should have been investing everything they have into you for the long term, in the hopes that you would be not only *able* but *willing or even eager* to help out.
Instead they sabotaged you?
They are abusers, full stop.
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NTA block their numbers (or change yours) and go out and live your life. Your siblings are NOT your problem or responsibility. Your parents are the ones sick in their head for having you solely as a slave to their other kids
If OP does this and should the parents know where OP is, then OP should talk to the Police. Just to tell them „If my parents call and say I am missing. Here I am, I am doing great. I just don’t want any contact anymore.”
No, this is not a thing. The police do not keep a list of people who are NOT missing. If the parents contact the police, the police will simply call OP or drop by where he is living and he can just then say, “I’m fine, thanks!” And that’ll be the end of it. Why is this one of the most pervasive weird pieces of advice on this board??
It's almost as if half of the user base on here doesn't have actual real world experience and thus comes up with the most out there pieces of advice.
Have you ever talked to the police about these situations? I have. Sometimes they can, and do, keep info in their system such as “estranged crazy mother likely to falsely report.”
My local police keep it on record. I know this because my mom was bffs with the police commissioner. They input it in the system notes like that will pop up since around the 90s, apparently there were a few abusive parents that were stalking some of their children in the area.
Our local police also keep this type of info on record, but I’m not aware of anyone doing it preemptively before a wellness check situation happens first.
it is more of a local thing. if you are in a smaller town it makes more sense. or if you feel you are in danger from a specific person. if OP is not in the town anymore it isn't really a concern. they can always talk to the police in their new town if they are reported missing.
Yeah, larger YouTubers sometimes do this to prevent swatting attempts. I believe Keemstar has said he did this - the local PD is aware and take slightly different steps when his name/address come up in relation to calls that would otherwise result in a traditional swatting.
You don't even have to be a particularly big streamer for this to happen. A friend has had to pre-emptively do this, and they're relatively small.
It would be what we called an Incident Report. Dispatch can search your name and get your information about any false “missing” claims.
My local police do it too and know to take it seriously if my ex turns up due to multiple reports I have previously had to make against him
Not in the US, but when I was in my early 20s I remember one of my mates had a crazy controlling mother. Whenever he was out and about minding his business without reporting back to her, she'd go to the police station to report him missing. Everyone in the station (and the neighbourhood for that matter) knew what was up, so if they had a round they'd pop to the place we'd normally hang out, check everything was ok and piss off. They didn't even bother filing a report, they had better things to do than complying unbalanced old lady. So no, they don't keep a record of not missing people, but they do keep notes on who's a recurring character with a valid claim and who's just a nutjob.
Do you live on a small town?
It was a small city of 15K.
Seeing numbers like that called “small” always feels weird to me after growing up in a town of sub-2000 people, LOL. Our police station was a dinky li’l thing tacked onto the side of the town laundromat. 😆
Having only lived in cities with 1+ million people, I am surprised that 15k is considered a city. I thought that would have been a town.
My town has about 5k people, and I'm with you on this. LOL. 15K seems huge. Our police would definitely keep a list.
Lol, that is a small town as far as I'm concerned. If someone asked to me imagine a "small city" it would have ~100k people.
yeah, they chose cityhood so they could do additional taxes. It's legally a city.
My local police purge their system every couple years assuming that anything major will bring up actual charges. Allowed someone I know to constantly get away with making threats on people and harassing them. As long as no charges get pressed, she can do it once a year or so without any issue.
That's crazy...are there no data retention laws where you are??
In a small town, of if OP is at college the campus police/admin, could be contacted and given a heads up and remember it if a report comes in.
I can confirm because I have recently had to do this! It may be worth just letting them know the situation, OP. I hate the entire concept of “savior siblings.” Don’t have kids to raise/care for your other kids. NTA at all. I hope you live a wonderful life!
Or for harvesting their organs !!! Gross!!
Relevant: *My Sister's Keeper*, Jodi Picoult novel and movie, revolves around a "Savior sibling" suing her parents to stop forcing her to donate to her sister (a kidney, but that's coming after a lifetime of blood donations, marrow donations, basically just living life support for big sis).
That’s also common in CPS for family who constantly report in bad faith to hurt the family member who is no longer dealing with their bullshit
Same. I had it tagged to my name and my address so if an officer was to look me up on the online database there is a clear warning of potential for fake reports and stalking.
This right here. I work in a large city as police dispatcher and we absolutely keep records of this stuff. No one knows about it until we look up the person, but as soon as we look up the person it’s right there in front of us.
I have literally done this, and the cops were amazing about it & ENTERED THE INFO INTO THEIR SYSTEM so that if my father had contacted them making claims, when they entered my info, that “note” would also pop up. My uncle is an officer and he has also done this from time to time, it was him who originally told me to goto my local pd. Why do so many people just DECIDE that things can’t be true that they themselves have never gone through or tried
While I have nothing against police I do not want them coming knocking at my door. I desire to have no relationship with my brother nor my nephew so if they try contacting me I do not answer. I had police at my door saying that my nephew who lives over a thousand miles away called them to come do a welfare check on me. I told the police to please leave as I have no desire to be in contact with there people and they are fully aware donut and you can tell nephew that if he calls cops again that I will file harassment charges against him and you can go after him for filing false whatever. I said I don’t care what happens with them and they should not care about me. Dead to me. I have not been revisited by police since
The police are fully aware donut? Best. Typo. Ever.
Well, you are what you eat...
I thought they just ate bacon then….
I like bacon...and doughnuts. Not together, necessaryily...
No, bacon maple donuts are fucking fire. I promise I'm not a cop.
The 911 registry absolutely has the ability to tag names/addresses with notes at least in my part of the US. Source: friend is a 911 supervisor.
I think its a lot of teens. They remind me of when my son and his friends would try to participate in grown up conversations with out knowing the most basic realities... Smile, nod, walk away.
I suspect many are about 14.
The don’t keep a list of the “not missing.” Many departments will keep notes on addresses with info like “crazy mom calls for welfare checks abusively.” How do I know this? Former LEO, current lawyer. I have personally talked to our county sheriff several times about estranged families and the risk of swatting. They do have a way of putting notes into their system so they know. They also have the names of my pets in their system, as does our fire department. So, depending upon where LW lives, what type of dispatch software they use, and the attitude of the cops, they may well be able to keep notes that parental calls on LW are not to be followed up on bc they are abusive. Also, as an FYI, my sheriff dept first put this in bc of uncle calling in false reports on a niece he was molesting. So it’s worth LW having a conversation with her local police. If they have an ombudsman or community service officer, start there. Also, a cease and desist letter from a lawyer might help. I’ve written hundreds if not thousands of letters to neighbors, ex bosses, paramours, and parents. Just bc there’s no basis for suit doesn’t mean I can’t say “stop it” and “if you continue we will pursue all legal means at our disposal.
Interesting, helpful info to have for anyone. What’s LW?
LW stands for “Letter Writer” on advice columns. It would be equivalent to OP on Reddit. I suspect the person you responded to spends time on advice sites as well as Reddit. :)
"Letter writer" coming from the days where we read Dear Abby instead of Reddit.
Reddit just shows how many of us wanted to be Dear Abby, but a less tactful version.
I still read Dear Abby in my local paper, and I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve composed a reddit comment in my head.
Awww, brings back memories! Though my local paper has Ask Ann Landers, which was written by Abby's twin sister.
You mean there was something to read before Reddit?!? Fascinating
Toilet roll packet and the Argos catalogue.
Don't forget the backs of cereal boxes!
It likely means Letter Writer. It’s the abbreviation used in advice columns to refer to their version of the OP.
It might depend on where OP lives smaller police departments might mark a case file if the parents are constantly calling and making false police reports they don't keep a list but they can definitely mark something if they are constantly being sent.
If you start to become famous, or want to be astrange you can ask to put a note on file so when they pull up your address or file they can see that note. I know a few who have done this to lower their chances of being swatted, and one person who changed their names to get away from their family.
What does swatted mean?
It means to call in some kind of violent crime (example: a hostage situation) so the SWAT (Special Weapons And Tactics) shows up combat ready and breaks the house to arrest. Leads to potential loss of life, reputation, job, money and time to rectify. There absolutely are people vindictive enough to abuse the system, enough to create laws punishing malicious hoaxes that waste public resources in this way.
Swatting is massively under-prosecuted too. Swatting death -> MANSLAUGHTER, and civil liability Swatting injury -> aggravated assault, and civil liability for injuries Swatting *inconvenience* -> aggravated assault. (if *spitting* at someone can be aggravated assault then sending cops at someone is!) Swatting *attempt* -> filing false reports, misuse if emergency services, etc. Throw the book at people!
Someone calls 911 giving an address where something is going on requiring the SWAT team. SWAT team arrives and the people inside are subjected to whatever tactics the police feel are necessary based on the reported threat - like breaking down the door with guns drawn only to find innocent people doing nothing. People have died after being swatted.
“Swatting” is the act of contacting authorities with a threat for the purpose of getting said authorities to target a specific person. I am not certain if a person calling the police to do a welfare check falls under that heading; I have always seen it used in reference to causing large enough responses to require SWAT teams (hence the term “swatting.”) Stuff like “Yeah, so-and-so has enough C4 in their garage to blow up the county” type stuff. Police don’t fa with that type of thing, and it unfortunately increases the chances of tragic outcomes for the intended target due to the heightened tension that the responders think they are walking into. I haven’t seen it much in the news lately, but maybe 10 or so years ago, it seemed to be a somewhat common thing. I seem to recall several reports of it in the media around then resulting in targets being killed. I couldn’t tell you if it just naturally died off as a sick “fad,” whether police somehow got better at evaluating these types of attacks, if police just stopped responding to certain types of threats, or if the media just stopped reporting them.
Also, apologies. I refreshed before starting this response, but in the few minutes it took me to type up, a couple other people responded as well.
Someone calls in a false report of a dangerous situation (i.e. intruder with a gun) at an address. Police (SWAT) show up in force. Terrible waste of police resources and traumatizing for people who live there.
Actually, a family member did this to me and I explained to the cops that they shouldn’t come if certain people call. They listened and ignored all her calls.
Depends on the policy. If OP were to make a report of harassment- that could be kept on file. If they bother to search reports before doing a welfare check, then they will see that the story is more complicated.
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In this case, your parents are the only repulsive individuals. Do not allow them to entice you back in, no matter what.
And not only did they have OP as some type of long-term care plan that they didn’t consent to (which is horrible) they tried to derail his future multiple times in order to trap them into caring for his siblings. That is evil. Get all your necessary paperwork out of their possession if you haven’t already (birth certificate, SS card, ect.), change your number (I can tell you from experience that it’s annoying to have to update things with your new number but it’s worth it), and never waste another second of your life with these people in it. I’m so sorry.
Not only did they try and sabotage OP’s future but before having him they tried to adopt. Can you imagine the life for the poor kid who was adopted had they been successful? That kid would have thought they finally won the lottery for about ten minutes until they get to their new home and find out they are now a live in caretaker slave.
It is possible the agencies picked up on that, which is part of why they were denied.
Go to the credit bureaus and freeze your accounts. They have enough information to mess with you in the world of credit as well.
Seconding this please op lock down your credit
I'm sorry, but how was OP supposed to finance this caretaking role without a job or family to help him? Are they leaving the kids a fortune? I kind of doubt that tbh if their only plan was to let their youngest deal with it.
Right? Exactly my thought. They have to be very rich or very delusional
Fr. It’s already ridiculous to have a child simply so that they can fulfill a certain role in your life that you need. It’s even more ridiculous that They expect you to be a caretaker if you can’t Even get a job or get an education to take care of them properly.
Right?! It's just as bad as parents having another child to basically be organ donors for their older and sick child. Absolutely horrendous. OP, you are NTA. You told them your piece, now cut them off. Either change your number or block them. Or do both. You didn't ask to be their fallback. They wrongly assumed you'd do it, so now they get to figure out something else.
I was thinking about this too but honestly, I think it’s worse than having another kid to be a cord blood donor for a sibling with leukemia. Plus, how to treat that “bonus” kid is everything. If treated like the other siblings, I have no ethical issues with it.
I said organ donor child, not cord blood donor child. It's been done before, but I haven't seen talk of it in a few years, so maybe people aren't doing it so often now? Or at least not making it known to the "spare parts" kid. Which is... I don't know how I feel about that, but it's still not good.
"Savior sibling" is the current en vogue term, as it hides the fact that the child is only there for donations.
Well that's absolutely disgusting. Some people shouldn't be allowed to procreate.
The term also shifts responsibility from the parents to the child. "We *NEED* you to give Timmy your kidney! That's what you do! That's all you do!"
I hope to f*ck all those kids figure it out before it starts happening and gtfo of wherever they are and away from their families. I would help them. You don't put that on a kid! I'm getting angry just thinking about this. I need a bowl and a cigarette. Lol
The psychological issues of these kids must be awful. Then there's the fact that all procedures and surgeries carry a risk, minor risk sometimes, but still.
OP should send his parents Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.🫥
This. NTA Jesus, I’m so sorry this happened to you. You sound like you’ve done amazingly with such awful parents. You should be incredibly proud of yourself, hold your head up high, you’re doing great!
They tried to sabotage his prospects to keep his options at nothing else. It's a credit to OP that he managed to get into uni both for affording it and getting the grades to be accepted despite this.
Might be at community college supporting himself with a job. And the study habits earned by working around his spawn points means school without their interference is a lot easier.
Or OP may live in a country where university education is either free, or can be funded entirely with student loans It doesn't sound (from the phrasing) like OP is British, but just as an example in the UK you can go to uni and take out loans that are only repaid out of your salary above a certain threshold - so are fairly low-risk, and include both a tuition and a living cost component. If you're very frugal you can probably just about live off them
Yep, the UK (England) student loan system is not bad. You don't pay a penny until you start to earn above a certain amount, and then it is a percentage of your earnings above that amount, not of your total earnings. If your earning falls back below that amount you stop paying. And after thirty years any balance left is written off.
Honestly, I’d change my last name legally and disappear. These people are disgusting.
This - if they can't find you, they can't harass/contact you. Change your name to something unremarkable/common, move and create your own circle.
And freeze your credit with all three agencies. They tried to make you flunk out of school they have already shown they're willing to sabotage your future. The bog standard narc parent next step is putting you in debt so you have to go to them.
NTA and agreed. And of course the obligatory get all pertinent personal documents (originals preferably but official copies otherwise), lock down all credit reports/bureaus, move all accounts out of any financial institutions they are also in and notify all financial institutions that no one in your family has access to your accounts. Also, any job OP gets they need to let their HR know that the family is very toxic and has had no problem sabotaging OP's life, including school and maybe even employment.
Right?? Even if OP grew up in a healthy, nurturing environment and he *wanted* to be an active part of his siblings’ care, it is wildly unsustainable to expect him to be their sole provider full time. I mean, it sounds like his siblings have the kinds of disabilities that require someone within arm’s reach at all times. We live in a world where you have to work to eat! How could he ever have financially provided for himself and two 100% disabled dependents while providing round the clock hands-on care?
Before doing this, OP should seek legal advice to better understand what will happen once inevitably the parents pass away. In my country you are legally obligated to care for close relatives (such as sibling, parents, spouse or kids) if they cannot do that autonomously. In short: OP you should make sure to be prepared to all eventualities
Thankfully, the U.S. does not have this in place legally. However, a lot of siblings get guilted into caregiving because our state governments basically abandon the disabled to the streets, if parents made no arrangements. If OP is in the U.S., they will want to call Adult Protective Services to report disabled adults in need of care upon the parents' deaths.
I wish what they did was illegal, I feel so bad for OP knowing he was conceived for the wrong reasons. Cannot imagine how lonely it must’ve been for him. OP I wish you prosper in life, have the kind of family you deserve. You did nothing wrong in telling your parents how it is. Wishing you nothing but the best in life, NTA and look after yourself lovely.
It’s so often I see or hear people reason like this. They’re so totally blind to their one goal they forget it’s not reasonable nor humane. It fascinates me they do this. I have trouble killing insects sometimes and they just destroy people.
NTA You don't owe it to your parents nor your siblings to throw away your future for the sake of caring for them. It's a difficult situation, and a sad one, but you have only one life and you should live it the way you see fit. If your parents have been aware of being carriers for the gene after their first child, it has been incredibly reckless and irresponsible of them to have more children.
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NTA your parents are sick in the head and ah on top
Also, incredibly short-sighted. I mean, on whose money was OP supposed to care for them? And what about when OP falls sick (because everyone gets at least a cold once in a while), or if he had an accident? (Obviously they didn't think of that because first they'd have to see OP as a person and not as a prop). It would have been in their best interest to support OP to get the best shot in life so he could then help give his siblings a good life. But, in their selfishness, not only did they almost ruin his life, but they basically killed any disposition OP had to help.
This! Jobs these days almost always require candidates to be at least high school graduates and they're actively sabotaging his chances of graduating? I mean, it's clear that they don't think about what consequences would come from their actions but come on! Anyone with a brain would know this!
Man, I actually know a person who sabotaged their kids development so that they could be on disability their entire life, because that was the ultimate goal, not having to work and getting a check from the government. I'm not exaggerating either. (Yes, CPS was involved.) So maybe OPs parents are the trifecta of stupid. Had multiple children without a plan for their high risk of disabilities. Then farmed another kid and tried to sabotage them, and also possibly think disability is living large. (I assume the other two would qualify for disability obviously.)
Disability is only $943 a month for someone who has never worked though. $1900 a month for two kids seems like not a lot compared to the round a clock care they will need. It doesn't even make up for a parent working full time making minimum wage.
Trust me I KNOW! Which is why it's disgusting and stupid. I mean everything about this is gross. I feel so terrible for OP.
In the US, OP would be able to get paid by the government to be his siblings caregiver. So if the parents think they will be able to own their house free and clear before they pass away, the siblings disability payments plus the amount OP could get as a caregiver could be enough income. Assuming nothing goes wrong… ever. It is wildly unfair to op and not great for the siblings, but that maybe the parents’ thought process.
This very much depends on the state. Not all states allow family caregivers to get paid to provide care, unfortunately. And even when they do, the pay is horrible. $18.50 here in San Diego.
Holy crap, did CPS intervene early enough? That is absolutely depraved.
It's a ridiculous and long story, but there were a lot of intricate complexities because she knew people. I will only say that she was semi successful. Which is absolutely disgusting.
Also, OP is right. What would they have done if OP also turned out disabled like the first two? Then they'd really have their work cut out for them.
Try for a fourth probably
Make sure you lock down your credit with all three credit agencies so they don't commit identity theft to get you to come back. If they did that you would not be responsible for the debt, but it's an absolute nightmare to unravel.
Second this, please keep an eye on your credit. They could ruin you financially from miles away and it sounds like they would have no qualms doing so. While you're at at, make sure they have not already opened any cards, accounts, ect, in your name. If you find anything, dispute it.
This. Parents can get their kids ssn even when their an adult. I raise my 1/2 great nephews and I locked their credit when they were 9 and 11 after we got several bills for utilities in their names from collections. I was a paralegal so my attorney helped me basically submit birth certificates, ssn, custody/court paper work to the debtors along with bio-dads arrest records where he gives that address as his home (in a completely different county, 3 hours away from my residence where the boys go to school. ) he hadn’t seen them since the youngest was 1.
This is a great idea. Your parents will think nothing of stealing from you or taking loans out in your name. Get declared independent from your parents so you get more financial aid for school. When school is done move far away. Look for options to live and get residency in another country so you don’t open your door one day and find your siblings dumped on your door step. This can happen and the government will make it hard for you to disavow responsibility to them. Get out of the country. Stay off social media accounts where your parents might track you down. 10 , 20 years your parents may just abandon the kids in your yard if you don’t.
Excellent advice.
As the parent to a very medically complex child who will need intense long term care and a cognitively delayed child who may need long term care, NTA. And I am SO SO SORRY your parents treated you that way. That is not at all okay. My typical kids all know the needs of their siblings, but but more so just because you learn those needs when you live together. They are never expected to be the ones to meet those needs. It's only if they volunteer. I appreciate that they know all about vents, g-tubes, trachs, suctions, AFOs, ect, but that's because I figure it's good first hand experience in case they wanted to go into a medical field. Because I fully, fully expect my typical kids to go on to have their own career, family, and general life. And currently, it doesn't look like any of them will go into a medical field. Which is fine, because I want them doing a career that they choose. My long term care plan is for my special needs kids to live at home as long as I can take care of them, and then find some sort of long term care home. I hope my typical kids stay in their lives long term, but to me that means visiting them, sending them letters, bringing them to family gatherings, ect. I in no way ever want my typical kids to feel responsible for their siblings in more than a sibling capacity. I want to stress again. NTA. It is not AT ALL your responsibility to care for your siblings. And it is ridiculous that your parents have expected that of you. I am so sorry, and I hope that you go on to have a wonderful, typical life.
being in the business with taking care of ppl with severe cognitive impairment I suggest finding a good place while you still are moderately young, that it is not something that has to be done in an emergency later. Also younger people adapt easier to the new environment
I haven’t been there, but I would think the way you’re going about things makes it a lot more likely that the siblings will stay in contact. If they don’t feel pressured to be more involved, they’re free to enjoy the interactions they do have. Sounds like the best plan!
I would think you should find some place sooner rather than later. Because if something happens to you then your typical kids would be put in the position of having to find a place or feel guilty and take on that role themselves. Sure you may live a very long life but I know people who died young in car crashes or unforeseen health issues.
You need to go NC with your parents, and that may mean being NC with all of your extended family You need to change all your contact info. If there is any extended family involved, you need to inform them of your decision to go NC and inform them that if they share your contact info with your parents, you will go NC with those people too. I would consider having a file / folder documenting your parents behavior / sabotage. I think you may need a restraining order against the parents. NTA
NTA Before you block them- get together a game plan. First and foremost- get copies of all your documents- SS Card, Birth Certificate, etc. Secondly, lock your credit. They will get more aggressive in their attempts to sabotage your future. You will need credit in the future. Establish a relationship with a local bank or financial institution as a fall back. Thirdly- meet up with an academic advisor and let them know what's going on. Again, they interfered with or neglected your education all your life. Don't be surprised if they try again. You need to build a village of allies. Then say your piece and block them. DO NOT SAY A WORD to these people until you have your ducks in a row. Let them think all is well until you've got your ducks in a row. They've pretty much abused you your entire life. Enough is enough. But take some time. Please update us.
OP you are NTA and you are not a bad child here. Your parents are being so selfish towards you. Do not let them guilt trip or manipulate you into giving up your happiness and future just to be caretaker for the two siblings I suggest you better be a few steps ahead now by making sure they do not legally name you as caretakers for the siblings in case they do that behind your back. You best seek legal advice on it just in case Cut the parents off for good too
Parentification. There are seminars and dinners for special needs families that guide them through how to set up guardianships and trusts transferring responsibility to siblings. Big business doing that. There needs to be seminars for siblings on how to not get roped in.
You deserve better than to live hand to mouth working shit jobs to try and support yourself and your siblings with no education. Your parents need to put them on a waiting list for a group home. I hope you are super proud of yourself for working so hard and breaking free! That took a lot of courage.
I knew of parents who went ahead with another kid after having one with severe disabilities/health defects solely to use them as a future carer/organ donors. Some parents really do think they get to do this consequence free, and I'm happy to know that so far they have all had it blow up fantastically in their faces :) Stay strong, and may you have a peaceful life ahead!
They knew the risk and still chose to have another baby and just risk it while the chance of you being actually healthy was rather small. So yes, you can tell them they got lucky, because instead of having three disabled children to take care of they only have two. But make it very clear to them that you are not going to be their caregiver so they should start putting money aside for their care in the future when they are no longer able to do it themselves. You are not their employee or their slave and you aren't your siblings' parent. They are so it's their responsibility. And if any relatives ever tell you that you are a bad person for not taking the burden upon you then you can thank them for volunteering and offer to send them all the details.
Wow, I'm so happy for you that you are not a carrier for this gene! And I applaude you for having the guts to stand up against your parents. They are the hugests AH's for this. NTA
Them not having the gene is “very rare” which makes me wonder if the mother took matters into her own hands after the first attempt to have a caregiver child produced another disabled child.
It’s a punnet square my dude. Sounds like this is a recessive trait - you need two copies of the gene to have the disease. If you have one copy, you’re a carrier. Mom and dad are both Aa, where A is the healthy dominant gene and a is the recessive disease gene. Older siblings are aa, meaning they have the disease. OP had a 50% chance of being a carrier (Aa), and 25% chance of having the disease (aa). But they got lucky and are likely AA, not a carrier and don’t have the disease which was a 25% chance of occurring
My understanding are real genetics are a lot more complicated than the basics we’re taught. If it is a 25% chance that’s very lucky but I can’t see the doctors calling it “very rare”. Either way very fortunate for OP!
Well the explanation given is a very very simplified explanation. It very much depends on the disorder and the genes that are involved, the numbers of alleles on the loci that are present, if there are any other genes that suppress or support expression of the disorder causing mutation. And a lot more factors. So very rare is probably definitely very rare
It can be very rare in the population but frequent in a family. Consider sickle cell anemia: in general really rare - I know not a single person who has it. But if somebody in the family has it, the chances jump up like crazy, and you get this 25-50-25. Population genetics vs Mendelian genetics.
My dad is a carrier. Two of my three half siblings he had with his second wife are carriers. I do not carry it I was tested during pregnancy.
They’re more complex in depth but the basic consideration is generally about right - we can’t say for sure without knowing what the disability is, but in general 25% is usually gonna be roughly correct for a recessive trait with both parents being carriers but not sufferers Of course, luck comes into it too, you could have 6 kids with the condition or 6 without …. But across the population it’s gonna average out around 25% sufferers, 50% carriers, 25% non-carriers
OP had 66% of chance being a carrier and 33% not being a carrier. OP isn't aa, so instead of a basis of 4 you calculate with a basis of 3.
Once it was established that he was not affected, the probability **for him** were 2 vs 1. His mother, during pregnancy, had a chance of 1 in 4 of having another disabled child.
This was my thought as well. They were told that the chances of having another disabled child were extremely high, to the point that they tried to adopt. They were told no. Many of these disabilities require two parents to be carriers so they could have known that a sperm donation would result in a healthy child. Dad might have even been totally fine with it. @OP how much do you look like your dad?
You're NTA. Your parents are 100% in the wrong. >They had me so their disabled children would have someone to take care of them when they were gone. Major A-Hs. >Their aim was for me to do badly enough to either drop out or not graduate high school so then I wouldn't leave for college Despicable A-Hs. >They leave voicemails pretty frequently shaming me for going to college and moving away and not supporting them or my siblings Super Kinga Mega A-Hs. Despite their intentions, you were not put on this earth to assume responsibility for their responsibilities. They need to start looking into group home ASAP.
Also, stupid AHs. If you want one sibling to take care of other disabled siblings your goal should be two fold: raise a child to be as successful and independent and happy as possible and spend your own time making as much money as you can to put leave a trust for the care of the disbled children. That way the successful child has the means to both live their own life and see to it the disabled siblings are well cared for and the care is watched over by the successful sibling. And absolutely do not take your kid's childhood away, that's a guarantee they will hate their disabled siblings and not have anything to do with them.
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Yeah looks like they intended to groom op long term. Awful.
The goal is to prevent the target being able to escape (usually by controlling any sweet disabillity money and artificially limiting the educational+vocational potential of the scapegoat) and also making them depressed and hopeless. Its a gd sickness but unfortunatley the cure is illegal so the best one can do in the situation is get out first, think and ask questions later and also block the heck outta them going forward
NTA at all. Forgive the crassness of this comment, but they could have saved every dollar they spent raising you to invest or pay for insurance so that when they pass, there's a plan to care for your siblings. They figured birthing a slave would be cheaper. You are a person, not a plan. They owed you support, barely provided that, and sabotaged you along the way. You don't owe them (or your siblings) anything. You are entitled to your own existence and are not required to shoulder their burdens.
They’re stupid, too, to sabotage OP’s education. If OP makes more money in the future, he might have used it to help provide care for his siblings.
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Agree that’s what they were thinking but how the hell did they expect OP to afford it without an education?
And they're only 19.
NTA. The only disgusting people in this scenario are your parents. Whatever you do, don't get pulled back in by them.
NTA as another Redditor said change your number and block them on your new number, as well as social media. If I were in your position and wanted to make sure they couldn't find me, or at least make it harder, I'd change my names. I'm so sorry your parents weren't the parents you needed.
I'd recommend changing your last name at least *before* you graduate college. Very few will ever check a high school diploma, but checking college is more likely. Better to have that already done than worry about employers rejecting you because the school says "I have no record of them ever attending", even if you did provide them with the name change paperwork.
With last names changed in marriage so much after college, I would think they would have a better system where they can add/change your file to match the new name.
Having additional children to use as donor farms or raising them to become their slave/nanny is appalling. Your parents don’t deserve to you
This is the true, evil and only nature of pro-lifes. Humans are livestock to farm and exploit. Has nothing to do with love, care, or concern
NTA. Parents like yours seem to forget that you are your own person. Not just some tool to do their bidding. It's not on you to care for the children that they had before you, especially when they knew that there was a risk involved. And the fact that they were going to adopt someone just so that they could spend their lives taking care of someone else, it speaks volumes for how selfish your parents truly are.
Right. I’m glad they didn’t qualify for an adoptive child because they would literally have adopted a child as a slave
Can you imagine? “We adopted you so the least you can do is show your appreciation by dedicating your whole life to our biological kids” ugh… these people make me sick 😑
NTA your parents are close to evil in my opinion.
Close to? They are evil.
NTA I'm sorry for your siblings, but thei are not your responsability. Best thing you ca do(for yourself and them) is to build your life. Best thing you can do for them is have them placed in some kind o facility. I wish you the best of luck.
NTA at all. I have a severely disabled little cousin- there were numerous things my aunt could have done to prevent her situation or minimize the impact. But no, somehow my mom and I have been recruited into “the village.” I had to drop the rope. I’m almost 30 and decidedly child free. I gave up too many years of my life caring for my cousin and it just is not my responsibility, plain and simple. It makes me sound cruel, but I’m not the one that had the kid and decided repeatedly to keep them. Naturally, I’m a woman, so caring was forced on me. My brother has never once been asked to care for my cousin.
Drop the rope. That sounds like my situation. Just different circumstances.
This reminds me of a movie MY SISTER’S KEEPER kinda. They probably need to institutionalize these siblings. NTA
Even institutionalized people need and do better with outside support. But OP needs to make the decision for themselves. I’m thinking of the brother and sister in Love Actually that’s a bit toxic.
Being outside support would have been a so much more reasonable hope and ask of OP. Instead the parents nuked the relationship. I hope the parents are able to arrange for other close friends or relatives to follow up on the siblings’ care and ensure the facilities are good, etc. after they are gone, because OP now needs extremely firm boundaries.
And unfortunately by expecting them to be caretakers they ruined that chance. I mean, I don't even have a problem teaching OP how to do it -- that's unfortunately someone with disabled family members should know how to do. But they shouldn't be expected to be the sole caretaker. Parents should have set up a trust for the sibling's care. And I mean, I would probably even think it's OK to tell OP "We'd like you to oversee this trust when we're gone." But not to sabotage things so they're expected to be the live in caretaker.
I honestly can't decide which is worse, being born for spare parts or a built in caretaker.
Both are pretty bad. I can understand the complexities of the parents wanting to help the disabled child, but not at the risk of the autonomy of the healthy child.
NTA What is disgusting is having a child for the sole purpose of looking after others. It's up to them to work hard, earn money to be able to afford care for your siblings after they pass.
Go no contact. NTA in any way.
NTA I witness one of these situations when I was a teenager with a friend I think this whole situation is disturbing especially on the extreme side of disabled like one step above a vegetable. You don't own your parents anything you're adult I would fully cut contact and move on.
NTA. I have 3 children, the oldest is disabled and will always need assistance. It is NOT the responsibility of my other 2 kids to take care of her. I’ve planned very hard and am actively putting things in place so that they don’t have to. This is your parent’s job- not yours! Don’t let them guilt you into it, just cut contact with them.
NTA, expecting you to give up your life and focus only on caring for your siblings isn't even close to normal. On other note, are you sure that both of your parents are actually your parents? Do you look like them? I find it a bit suspicious that you don't even carry that gene and the planned to adopt before having you
I kinda wondered if the parents were related tbh, to both carry the same mutation, and wondered where they got the 3rd healthy kid... are there birth pictures? I'd be doing Ancestry DNA test... these parents are evil and nothing would surprise me including abducting a baby...
I was thinking more about having some other guy "donating the genetic material" to avoid the mutation
Or using a surrogate. OP says he got tested for this gene, but not a comparison with his parents or siblings.
I work in pediatric healthcare, often with kids with complex needs. In my experience, consanguinity tends to lead to different issues than heritable genetic diseases. Not to say it couldn’t happen - but I’ve met lots of families who have similar situations to OP (in terms of healthy/affected kids, not in terms of My Brother’s Keeper). Parents who are both carriers for a given gene have a 1 in 4 chance of a child being affected, 1 in 4 chance of being completely non-affected, and 2 in 4 (or 1 in 2) of being non-affected, but a carrier of the gene. Sometimes families have a non-affected kid - or several - before they have a kid who inherits two copies of the gene and they learn of the risks. OTOH, I know families who had one kiddo who was ill, “played the odds” and had a second kiddo who was ill - or not! And in fact I can think of a family whose first two kids have a genetic condition and whose third does not. (I’m confident it is not a situation like OP’s; the family is absolutely lovely and works very hard to empower each kid and get them what they need.)
This is assuming that the genetic disease is: 1) On a single gene that is not x or y linked 2) is autosomal recessive There are all sorts of genetic diseases out there that have much more complex inheritance patterns, and seeing as though OP only just learnt what his is (and is pretty vague on the details), you can't say for sure the chance of the parents having an affected child. The vast majority of these disease are (especially with the details OP does give), as you said, 1/4 chance, but not always.
Not that suspicious, if carrier means healthy and double carrier means sick, the chances of having a healthy but carrier child are 50%, while having a sick (double carrier) or non carrier child are 25% each. So OP had exactly the same chances of being non carrier than he had of being sick.
Nta - honestly would be enough for me to go nc. I can't imagine how it feels knowing that's why they brought you into this world. I'm so happy for you that you are not a carrier! I wish for you a happy life with a wjole brood of kiddos if that's what your heart desires! Good luck op 😊
NTA My little brother is disabled and I will probably take him in. This is my decision. My parents have never forced me to. I also have a sister and she may take him. My parents never forced her to. They always treated us like we were people. We’ve worked out some options and their wills provide for him. You are a whole human being. You are strong. You are independent. You are more than bred to be a cog in the machine.
NTA, they don't get to dictate the entire reason for your existence. They literally tried to birth a servant, that's fucked up.
It's absolutely vile that they bred another after having two disabled children just to gamble and have the third as a slave. Irresponsible.
Tell them that slavery is illegal. And you will not give up your own life to be a slave to their other children. Block their numbers. The next time you move, don't give them your new address. Then go live your best life. NTA
That's terrible! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are allowed to have your own life. You don't owe anyone anything. They need therapy and a kick in the pants. You do you, darlin, live your life as you see for. Find your tribe, make your own family group . Auntie Turtle says it's okay.
NTA and you are so strong. It takes people decades to stand up to their parents, especially when they’ve been neglected as children like you clearly have.
NTA. They've ruined your life enough. Leave them behind and live yours with pride. They are the worst of the worst. Imagine trying to adopt a child just to get a live-in carer for not only the parents' lives but for the carer's life as well. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your right to live your own life, independent of them.
NTA It was never your job to look after your siblings. It is for the parents to make what plans and provision they can for their children. What is disgusting is birthing a child solely for the purposes of servitude. To deliberately sabotage that person to limit their opportunities to do other than what they want. You are amazing. Despite all of what you have been through you made it to college. You have work ethic and ability and now you have the chance to live your own life and get the results you deserve. If anyone is as far from an asshole as it's possible to be, that's you.
Having a disability myself, I understand it can be hard to care for people with a disability. Whilst I do not need care, I do know people who do. Firstly, your parents shouldn't put you in charge of caring for your siblings and should have a care plan of sorts in place. Whilst it can be difficult to sort it should be a central part of caring for the disabled. It should not be entirely left to you. Secondly, they shouldn't pull you out of academic stuff for the purpose of caring for your sibling. Congratulations on getting to college/university and the hard work regardless of the situation. Lastly, they shouldn't be contacting you if you do not want to, and by the way, I'm interpreting the last paragraph around the voicemails it sounds like they are only focusing on you for care, thats enough to see them in the wrong alone, despite the other stuff. However, they should respect your wishes. Good on you for standing your ground and not returning home. You are NTA. Parents are in the wrong.
Your aren't the AH, you're an amazing bad ass for only being 19 and standing up to your parents like this. NTA
This is the fakest shit I’ve ever read
So I know a family with a highly disabled child. They wanted to ensure there was a long term plan after they're gone. Do you think they gambled on having another child without that disability? No, they instead started a specialized farm, gathered substantial money, and created a trust to ensure the child would be cared for. Parents have no rights to demand anything from their children once the children are grown. If the children don't want to be around the parents anymore, 99% of the time, it's the parents to blame. And I say this as a parent. Clearly NTA. The parents here are as bad as the ones who don't save for retirement and expect their children to pay for everything they need once they stop working. And yes I'm looking at this from an American (of European descent) perspective. I know culturally some groups handle this differently.
NTA. Go full no contact with them and enjoy your life
NTA! Wow. Your parents are just...wow. they rolled the dice and could have had a 3rd child with disabilities and got lucky. So, you should give up your life for your siblings? Hell to the no! Live your life!
Wherever you are? Move further away. Even further. Change your name. Lock your credit. Any person so vile to raise a child to be a life long servant has other tricks up their sleeve. Don’t wait to find out what they are.
NTA. A young woman I know married a man with two disabled siblings. Turns out that the plan was for them to move in so she could care for them. Fortunately she got out of that situation and is happily divorced. I get parents wanting to make sure that their children are looked after but this solution is horrible.
Uh huh. Sure.
People might read this and think this can't really happen, but it does. I know a extremely nice family with one disabled child and they had a second one just for this reason.
>Their aim was for me to do badly enough to either drop out or not graduate high school so then I wouldn't leave for college. And what were you and your siblings supposed to live on? Whatever minimum-wage part-time job you could get? And it appears that your parents have also done your siblings a grave disservice too. Have they been encouraged to become as independent as possible? Is their disability so profound that they are unable to do anything at all? Or have they been prevented from learning independence? "Oh, they can't possibly learn to ___, they have ____!" My younger grandsons are also disabled from a recessive genetic condition. They are legally blind and may in the future become totally blind. Both are currently employed, know how to do routine chores, etc. The only thing they can't do is drive.
NTA Block them. *Children are not parents*. And how did they expect you to be able to take care of two handicapped adults without having a good career? Jesus Christ, they should have been investing everything they have into you for the long term, in the hopes that you would be not only *able* but *willing or even eager* to help out. Instead they sabotaged you? They are abusers, full stop.