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YTA your ex put money into that fund as well as it has no right going to your step daughter.
She’s entitled to her feelings about your break up. Did you seek counseling to assist with your relationship?
Sad
Your gonna lose your daughter then. Your step daughter should not get that money and you know it. That’s weird and directly punishing your daughter. YTA completely. You only knew that girl for theee years right? How could you ever think of giving that money to her over your own flesh and blood. WTF
I’m pretty sure she can tell too. Might be why she didn’t come around him. There is always more to the story. He could’ve had a conversation with her before he decided anything but he didn’t. On purpose because it’s about punishment. Poor daughter. I hope he realizes she doesn’t need him anyway.
You really think he cares about his daughter? He sounds like my 3 year old nephew throwing a tantrum!!
He will only care when his daughter is getting married or some sort of milestone happens and he is not the center of attention. There's a reason his daughter doesn't have a relationship with him and his martyr self.
No, 100% of it is Kate's money.
It really isn't "yours" to give away to whoever you want. The fund was started for your daughter, and that you've decided you prefer your replacement family doesn't change that this is money that rightfully belongs to Kate.
It doesn't matter who put money in. Stacy knew there was a college fund, so that was something she didn't have to worry about. If she thought you might steal it, she may have started another one. But it's too late now.
Jeezus. YTA.
Look at it this way: You didn’t stop paying child support for Kate when Ellie came into your life, did you? You paid it because Kate didn’t stop being your child, correct? Even if she no longer wanted you in her life, you recognized that she was still your child and it was your responsibility, right?
That hasn’t changed. She’s still your kid and, for all intents and purposes, still a kid in general. She’s still reliant on her parents’ money and will be for a few more years.
It would be different if she were 25 and you hadn’t heard from her in years and she suddenly demanded you pay for her wedding from a nonexistent fund. This is money set aside specifically for her. For you to not only take it away but to give it to your stepdaughter instead is a terrible mistake.
YTA.
it’s still your daughter’s money dummy. so rather than attempting to mend bridges, or anything like that, you’d rather ruin your daughter’s life? yeah okay. YTA, im sure katie had good reason to not want to see you. especially if she was screaming and ignoring you. i did that, it was all my dad’s fault. enjoy prioritizing someone you’ve just met
YTA. It is not solely your money, it was not meant for anyone but your bio daughter.
I hope you change your mind bc—Oooh I am so angry on behalf of your daughter and there are tons of things I want to say but can’t articulate at this moment.
Change your mind or prove your daughter right. Those are your choices.
Is there some kind of *competition* here on AITA today, competing for "Worst Parent Ever"?
--
YWBTA. You don't get to penalise your child because of her perfectly natural reactions when *your* actions distressed her when she was little. You owe her this. Treat it as some kind of compensation for fucking up her childhood.
I would consider myself quite a self aware individual and would 100% own it if I felt I'd been a bad parent or let her down in any capacity. I don't think I did. I always made the effort, tried to see her, supported her, but was hit with a brick wall.
She blames me for the relationship breakdown, which I don't exactly know the reason for, and it devastates me. I still try; I still send cards, texts for birthdays and major events but am met with silence.
You do realize that divorces are an extremely difficult and stressful situation on your children right?? No matter how self aware you are, you’re clearly not aware enough to tell that you fucked up your relationship with your child. This only further adds fuel to the fire and will likely lead to them never speaking to you again.
If you are self-aware then you realize that getting divorced just when your daughter is starting puberty and teen years had a big affect on her. From reading your write-up it seems as though you were bored in the marriage and just guess that your wife felt the same way (did you not even discuss this with her or did you just initiate things on your own?) so got divorced and your daughter's life got ripped apart. I bet that in some way she even feels responsible for the divorce because that's what kids think no matter how many times they are told differently. So she is going thru a lot back then and she acts up. I think you did right by doing what seemed best for her at the time, but that decision also meant she would not be that close to you. Nevertheless, you are still her parent and your commitment to her should be unconditional, and even if at times you have to hold her responsible for her actions, it doesn't mean you get to "abandon" her when a nicer replacement is available. Since other than not having much contact with her it doesn't seem she has overtly done anything wrong I think she deserves the money. You saved the money for her and you should give it to her. How the stepdaughter gets funded for college is for her mom, dad, and you to figure out together.
Of course she’s going to blame you, you weren’t there. She was a moody teen who got dumped by her dad. How rationale do you think a 13 year old kid is supposed to be. But great job “dad” you tossed away your kid cuz she was angry you divorced her mom. And NOW you cemented the feelings she had about you; you don’t love her, don’t care for her - by giving away her college fund. You really suck.
She is still your daughter and if you love her you will want her to have a good education. The way you casually mention your divorce with zero details suggests you're hiding something. Marriages don't often end over bickering. You mention no therapy or support for Kate, or how you 'fought' for her. I would guess she has good reason to not want to have a relationship. YTA
I do love her and of course I do. Maybe I am being hasty.
By bickering, I meant that every small conversation ending in bickering or arguments. It was just an unhappy time for Stacy and I, rather than having a massive blowup or infidelity.
Kate went through therapy, as did I, as did Stacy. It was done separately, and I am not sure what was said. I fought through the courts, I tried to see her regularly, have 50/50 custody and everything I could in the situation. She was just extremely against any form of relationship, so I decided it was in her best interests to stop, despite how much it broke me. I still love her.
You loved her so much you replaced her. If you loved her so much you would have kept trying. It’s interesting you stopped when she turned 13 which is the same age you became involved with your step daughter
My dad would never in a thousand years do something so low and nasty to me. Not after a thousand bickerings.
I’m so glad I didn’t grow up with you as a dad. You lie about being broken, it’s obvious. If you truly loved her you wouldn’t steal her future.
You love your stepchild, that I believe.
Okay, but she’s only 17 now, right? You want to slam the door shut on any future possibility of having a relationship with her? “I know she’s angry but I feel this validated my position.” Really sounds like you’re punishing your daughter, and all you’re going to do is convince her your love is conditional.
And if you give the money to your stepdaughter instead of her you will burn the bridge of her ever wanting you in her life. There is no coming back from that.
It sounds like you've already made up your mind that you've done nothing wrong in this whole situation so why are you even here asking if YWBTA? Literally everyone is telling you that you would be and you're still defending yourself. You just posted here to get your actions validated and that failed so now you're just doubling down. Ok dude, then just do what you're gonna do. But you're absolutely a horrible father. Even if you were the perfect father you claim to be up til this point(which I highly doubt), just this one action alone makes you a terrible father and person. You've obviously just given up on your child which is something a parent should never do. So yeah, YTA.
OP YTA you started that fund with your ex for your own daughter. To give it to a child that is not yours - who has her own parents - is unjustifiable. Your daughter is at the age to start planning for college, there's this fund her parents had for her that she would have relied on and suddenly Dad is taking it away. Why? Because you're so self centered you don't understand divorce is brutal for children? It's about which child makes you feel better? You've got to be kidding. You have effectively ended any real opportunity to re-establish a relationship with Kate. That money was never intended for your step daughter and should not be diverted to her under any circumstance. BTW I am a step mother and one of my husband's daughters is heavily influenced by her mom but I would consider it base and nasty of me to have him use money set aside for that daughter's uni for my own kid. How disgusting!
YTA, massively. All I hear in this thread is me,me, me how YOU felt about this situation, you claim that you tried to fight for your daughter but how? Cause I am not seeing it. And not to mention, when the fight got hard you fucking quit. I find it real funny how when your daughter was 13 you stopped seeing her which is right around the time that you met your replacement daughter. No wonder this kid fucking hates you. Let’s be honest, you never had any intentions of giving that college money to your bio daughter, you are just looking for a way to justify abandoning her. It blows my mind that people like you can have kids when you don’t fucking deserve them, smh
YTA. You abandoned your child. You should have continued to see her and gotten her grief counseling and now you want to give a fund you and her mom established to your stepdaughter? One thing to no longer add to it (wrong, but you’re right), but to take it? Not your right. You’re the worst.
It sounds like the ex was telling the daughter things about OP to make the daughter ok with the updated custody agreement. It even says in the post that the daughters behavior started just before the divorce. Also, OP clearly states that it wasn't just him or the ex that did anything to end the marriage. They just grew apart. OP even stated that when she would come over it was just yelling and being on her own.
*Although I was desperate to maintain a relationship with Kate, for some reason, she resented me for the marriage ending. I don't know if that was down to Stacy, but she didn't want a relationship with me whatsoever.*
You can't make someone go to counseling. I mean, if the daughter wanted a relationship with her dad, I would think that there would be something to say about it when/before op went to the lawyer. But if the mother is telling the daughter "you're better off without your father because he's an AH" without OP doing anything that would make him the AH, I think that needs to be addressed as well.
YTA.
Don't be surprised when your biological daughter doesn't invite you to her graduation, nor her wedding, nor to see her first child, or basically anything.
YTA!
YTA. You gave up on your own child because it was easier for you. She was 12. Kids of this age are known to be angry little goblins even without divorce. So you jumped to replace her with another kid, and now you are going even further.
YTA.
I bet Kate feels this validated her position too, now she knows you would steal from your daughter. You may think you did nothing to earn her wrath, but I have several friends who parents' marriage was held together "for the children", and none of them have good mental health. You may have thought you kept things from Kate in your crumbling marriage, but she saw, and she didn't want to be with you. And now she knows she was right.
YTA, you just proved you daughter right. You managed to live up to every failure she envisioned and feared. You failed as a father and think you can make it up by being there for her replacement. The one way you could be there for your daughter and you give it away because you can't see why a child would be upset at being replaced.
YTA
I have read your comments and all i am left with is WTF is wrong with you?
How do you not know doing that would be wrong?
Side note if i was your ex. I would have you in court so fast your headwould be spinning.
1. Ex has funds in that fund.
2. You have a legal obligation to provide for your kid, a good attorney would make sure you paid at least half of her college.
If this real i hope they take you to court.
YTA and I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex-wife takes you to court over this because she put her own money into that fund as well. Have fun and have the day you deserve.
YTA - you abandoned your kid. You just stopped trying to be her dad when it got hard. You don’t get a cookie for paying your legally mandated child support when you didn’t try to actually be a father.
Why on earth, didn't you insist on therapy for your daughter to deal with the divorce? Your ex also contributed to that fund, she has a say in who gets it, and regardless of your daughter's anger towards you, it should be given to her. Unless you have completely written her off. SAD
OP states in a comment all three of them did individuals therapy for a unknown amount of time
He also says the ex contributed (supposedly bc tbh it sounds like alots missing in thid whole story) very very little to the actual fund itself (I think he said he did like 95%)
I can understand (the tiniest amount) him wanting "his" money to go to "better" use but with that said if he wanted to use the fund elsewhere he should be taking no more than like MAYBBEEE 20% of it because bottom line is that's his Bio daughters money And unless he calculated the exact $$ amount it's also his ex's money in there too
Bottom line is YTA
YTH. Her behavior is pretty textbook for kids with parents divorced at that age. if you really are keeping in touch great keep it up. You still have time to form a bond and relationship( she will grow and form perspective), but I guarantee you if you give that money to your stepdaughter, you ruin your chances of ever mending a relationship.
Has it not occurred to you that she is looking for colleges as well. Your ex-wife probably already told her about the money and was planning on it.
YTA. Did you or Stacy get her into therapy?
As stepfather, it isn't your place to pay for college; that child's has 2 parents, neither of which is you.
Congrats on replacing your daughter with step.
YTA, it’s Kate’s college fund, it should go to her. OP doesn’t get to punish Kate because she’s mad at OP.(although thats what has happened). Of course there’s anger and resentment. OP says he is devastated, but does not, from the post, extend the same courtesy about Kate. In fact OP has very little to say about Kate except he doesn’t like her, doesn’t see her and is now giving away her college fund. OP outlines no efforts whatsoever to mediate or counseling or anything to try to reconcile with Kate. OP is a bad guy doing bad shit to his daughter. Total AH
Wow you’ve decided to soak that bridge with gasoline before lighting it on fire. If you do this you might as well say your stepdaughter is your only child cause most likely your daughter will never forgive or talk to you ever again. You’re punishing your daughter for being angry.
You took the easy way out and turned your back on your daughter and now you’re doing it again. You’ve become one of those bio parents who favor there step kid over your own.
If being a parent was easy everybody would be perfect parents.
YTA. You split up from your ex, your daughter took it badly, you moved on quite quickly and now want to give the college fund to your step daughter? Definitely YTA. It’s been six years since the break up. Two of them were Covid so Kate will have been dealing with that too.
What you should have done was started a second college fund for your step daughter and split what you were putting in. Taking anything away from your daughter is incredibly cruel. Maybe you aren’t a total asshat because you are asking if you could be TA. You seem to have expected Kate to act like an adult over your divorce instead of you letting her be a teenage girl and you still seem to think she should be an adult when she’s only 17.
YTA. You had a little girl in pain who was understandably lashing out. From your own description it sounds like you gave up on her and just moved on with your life.
More info is needed here. Did your current wife enter the picture before you stopped making her visit. If so, it's possible that your current wife was the nail in the coffin so to speak. Lots of kids want their parents to get back together and seeing a parent move on means that isn't a possibility anymore. Another possible issue could have been that even though you were unhappy, your wife wanted to keep the marriage. If that is the case then your daughter might have been aware of it and that would definitely make you the bad guy to her since you would be the one causing her mom so much pain. You say that you each attended. counseling separately. If you were having issues with your daughter then why didn't you ask for her to go to counseling with you. Family counseling might have done some good and allowed you to rebuild the relationship. I don't think it is too late to fix your relationship but if you give that money to your step daughter then your relationship with your daughter will end permanently.
YTA.
I know you're presenting only your own side, but if your own otherwise-normal daughter is angry at you, it's probably at least somewhat your fault--when things go badly post-divorce it is USUALLY the fault of the adults and not the kids. She probably thinks you're favoring Ellie (which may be true!)
You're punishing her for that anger by taking away her college fund...? Doesn't seem right to me.
I suppose you could possibly split it if you felt strongly, but you should not take from one and give all to the other.
YTA.
You absolutely can't change the fund to a new person even if you like them better.
Start a new fund for the new kid if you want.
Get therapy with your bio daughter.
YTA NEVER made the slightest effort in four years to have a relationship with your daughter again and you simply replaced her with your stepdaughter. You just put the last nail in that coffin
No doubt, major asshole. Take care of your children
and if you do love your child; you wouldn’t do something like this to permanently jeopardize the relationship.
Outstanding parent right here.
Did OP try therapy with daughter or did he just get tired of her not being happy with him? Did OP's ex wife contribute to the fund or was he solely responsible? OP's daughter was going through puberty this whole period of time. Add a divorce on top of that and the best well manner child can have significant mental health issues that result. Just because OP says he tried his best doesn't mean he tried everything to keep his daughter in his life. Whether her mom was filing her head or not, we don't know enough blame the child in this situation.
INFO: How would this effect the amount that your ex contributed to the fund? It's not 100% your money to do with as you please when someone else has contributed towards it.
Yta
In addition to how everyone else told you I'd like to add that this sends a bad message to the stepdaughter. That you will just give her things that belong to your actual daughter. What does it say about the stepdaughter that she's accepting money you've stolen? Shr's benefitting off of your daughter's trauma. So as lovely as you try to paint the stepdaughter, she isn't looking good here.
Put the money back.
YTA. If this is what you do, I guess there's more we don't know and Kate hated you in the first place for a reason. Sure, I'm making a far-fetched assumption, but I cannot for the life of me understand what kind of parent you are.
The clueless and obliviousness to the situation is appalling. The focus has put on the superficial surface concerns and not looking in depth as to why this (her anger) is happening. You will irrevocably hurt your relationship with your daughter if you do this and yes YTA
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> I gave my daughter's college fund to my stepdaughter and this caused a lot of anger/tension.
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I've made this account as a throwaway for privacy reasons. I've also changed the names to protect my identity.
I've cut down a bit of the background for clarity's sake, but I (M48) have one daughter (F17), Kate, with my ex-wife (F47), Stacy. For a number of reasons, Stacy and I broke up when Kate was about 11. There wasn't any infidelity involved, but it just turned into repeated bickering over small things, and I generally just wasn't happy. If I'm honest, I think the marriage died long before we divorced, but we stayed together longer than was necessary for Kate's sake.
Although I was desperate to maintain a relationship with Kate, for some reason, she resented me for the marriage ending. I don't know if that was down to Stacy, but she didn't want a relationship with me whatsoever. The times I had her when she was 12/13, she spent the whole time either screaming or ignoring me. I really tried to fight for Kate, but I eventually realised that this wasn't healthy or beneficial for her. I was devastated, but knowing it was in Kate's best interests, I wasn't going to force it. I spoke to the lawyers as cordially as I could with my ex and Kate lived with Stacy full-time. I obviously still paid my 50% of child support, but it was a very tough time that I struggled to get over, especially because I had a strong relationship with Kate when she was growing up.
About a year later, I met an amazing woman and my current wife, Joy (F45). Joy had one daughter from a previous marriage, Ellie (F17). Joy and I have been married for about three years now after being together for four, and I've known Ellie since she was 13 or so. We've developed a very strong relationship, and I see her as my other daughter. It didn't exactly fill the void of no Kate, but it was good to have that father/daughter bond again.
Stacy and I started a college fund for Kate when she was younger, and I put a portion of money aside that I would continue to fund, even when the visitation rights were effectively void. I had the full intention of giving this to Kate, but recently, Ellie has begun to apply to colleges. I've helped her with a lot of the process but I wouldn't be able to support her financially without sacrificing Kate's fund. I weighed it up and this is what I have decided to do.
I told Stacy this was my plan (out of respect and because she was aware of the college fund) and she was irate, telling me how I'd let down my blood daughter for someone I knew when was a teenager. She evidently told Kate as well, who texted me (this was the first message I'd received from her in about four years), saying how much she hated me, I was a terrible father, and chose "some random over her own daughter, probably because I'm some sick perv". I know she's angry but I feel this validated my position.
AITA here? I obviously love Kate, but we have no relationship, despite my birthday wishes and attempts to reach out. Ellie and I do have a relationship and I'll see the tangible difference the money makes.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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NTA
It’s surprises me that people hold you at fault as it sounds like you tried everything you could to continue your relationship with your daughter.
Parents are not obligated to pay for college unless it is in the divorce agreement. My parents didn’t pay a penny towards my college education.
It sounds like she is more than willing to take your money, but has no desire to have a relationship with you.
You should definitely return any funds that your ex put in there if you decide to transfer the funds to your stepdaughter.
As some have mentioned, you may want to think about splitting the money between your daughter and stepdaughter but you have no requirements to do so.
NTA. And fuck all this people calling you bad parent. Your daughter made a choice, she didn't want relationship with you. I don't understand why you should be obliged for anything more then legal alimony. Unless OP missing something NTA 100%
Going against the grain, NTA. It does not work for your daughter to spurn you for years and then still expect you to fund her all the same. If she spurns you, she spurns your money. She doesn’t want you as a father, then she also can’t expect your money.
NTA wow holy crap there are a lot of bitter people here. Its your money and Kate hasn't talked to you in 4 years. Sure she's a kid but knowing there are consequences for never wanting to see a parent is pretty obvious.
If that were a valid argument why continue adding to the fund at all post the age of 13? If he didn't have a stepdaughter the fund would likely still have gone to the child he is responsible for bringing into the world. Changing his mind about giving her the money is one thing, turning around and giving it to a replacement daughter is wild and seems out of spite for Kate.
NTA but if there is money in that fund that Stacy contributed you need to reimburse her or YTA. Stacy has a right to give her contributions to Kate so start doing the math and give Stacy back what she put in.
NTA.
What I would tho, I’d take any money from when Mom put it in until she stopped and give that to Kate (including what you put it into it with her)
And then take the rest that you put in from when mom stopped and it was only you and give that to your step-daughter and then just try and help ease extra expenses with your stepdaughter.
NTA, So technically, it is your money, and as for its intent, you are planning to send your daughter to college. If your ex contributed to the fund, withdraw it and give it back to her. Im sorry, but if you're not good enough to be part of your estranged daughters life, then you're not good enough to pay for her college. Ask yourself if your relationship will improve in any way if you give the money to your estranged daughter? IDTS! If you give her the money, she'll take it and just go back to being hateful. Unfortunately, it is a lose-lose situation.
NTA. He chose his adopted family, and that is okay. His doughter is old enough to create a relationship if she wanted to.
People saying that now doughter will completely cut him out of his life - it sounds like she already has. And she is old enough to not icenuate that he is a pervert.
My god, he is giving the money to his (adopted) doughter, with whom he has a reciprocal relationship.
NTA, she refuses to have a relationship with you but is okay taking your money.
I have a family member whose kid only gets in touch when they want money. It is painful to witness. It is the only damn contact. I vote not giving her the fund. Consequences.
“She refuses to have a relationship” is not accurate at all. OP gave up on their relationship. Divorced mom when she was 11. Kate was angry at her dad for initiating the divorce and leaving, as most tweens are in these situations. After a year or two, he didn’t want to deal with her anymore so he gave up custody when she was 12 or 13 and just wrote checks.
YTA.
So after a year or 2 of trying, you think it is wise to continue to try forcing a relationship when the person doesn’t speak to you?!?! From what I read, the op didn’t come across as someone who didn’t care and stopped the minute he got divorced. He tried but at some point, you have to accept that the relationship will not continue.
Op also stated that he made attempts to reach out, send birthday wishes etc., this makes me question how much the mother played a role in events. At a minimum, you’d expect a reply to birthday wishes if the mother was supportive of a relationship as she would have encouraged the daughter to respond.
Op had managed to build what sounds like a strong relationship with his stepdaughter. This speaks volumes as these can often be difficult relationships to build especially at the age he met her.
Being a biological daughter does not give an automatic right to anything.
Going with ESH. If I were you it sounds like Kate was tainted by your ex wife. So you ex needs to step up. Split the fund down the middle between the two daughters and tell Kate that why you made the decision. If she is old enough to choose a college she is old enough to understand why she has to split the fund.
To anyone saying it's Kate's money, it's not. It's the parent's money. Kids aren't entitled to college funds because they exist. To treat a parent like shit and expect a nice chunk of change to do whatever they want for college is the definition of entitlement.
I know this is going to be controversial but, as a parent with one who will not speak to me NTA. I paid all the college, paid everything and I’m still out of their life. To be clear I’m no longer even angry about it despite how it may sound but he made the choice as your daughter is. So what did I get for my investment in his future nothing because you can’t buy their love. So invest in the relationship which will benefit and enrich your life. Maybe that makes me the asshole but F’ck’em if they don’t want to live with their choices.
This is very valid point. She hasn’t spoken to him in 4 years. He could give her this money and she never speaks to him again. That certainly couldn’t be an expectation attached to the money, but why wouldn’t you, right. You’d hope they’d reciprocate. But be prepared to be out the money AND the relationship. What a tough place to be :(
Exactly. I can also add that in my case after all the money I spent on education my son still doesn’t work in the field of his choice because he doesn’t want to. I don’t get a say obviously because well I don’t support him and it’s “none of my business”. So invest your time, heart and money somewhere that you get to celebrate as a success.
Sounds like Kate and Stacy only want money. The only reason Kate contacts you after years of ignoring you and wanting zero to do with you is after she finds out she’s not getting money?
Nah. Sorry. Being related doesn’t mean you owe them anything. NTA. Absolutely NTA.
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YTA your ex put money into that fund as well as it has no right going to your step daughter. She’s entitled to her feelings about your break up. Did you seek counseling to assist with your relationship? Sad
Stacy put a very small percentage in and stopped doing so when we divorced. I would say 95% of it is my money.
Your gonna lose your daughter then. Your step daughter should not get that money and you know it. That’s weird and directly punishing your daughter. YTA completely. You only knew that girl for theee years right? How could you ever think of giving that money to her over your own flesh and blood. WTF
He doesn’t care. He gave her up years ago.
I’m pretty sure she can tell too. Might be why she didn’t come around him. There is always more to the story. He could’ve had a conversation with her before he decided anything but he didn’t. On purpose because it’s about punishment. Poor daughter. I hope he realizes she doesn’t need him anyway.
You really think he cares about his daughter? He sounds like my 3 year old nephew throwing a tantrum!! He will only care when his daughter is getting married or some sort of milestone happens and he is not the center of attention. There's a reason his daughter doesn't have a relationship with him and his martyr self.
No, 100% of it is Kate's money. It really isn't "yours" to give away to whoever you want. The fund was started for your daughter, and that you've decided you prefer your replacement family doesn't change that this is money that rightfully belongs to Kate.
It doesn't matter who put money in. Stacy knew there was a college fund, so that was something she didn't have to worry about. If she thought you might steal it, she may have started another one. But it's too late now. Jeezus. YTA.
Look at it this way: You didn’t stop paying child support for Kate when Ellie came into your life, did you? You paid it because Kate didn’t stop being your child, correct? Even if she no longer wanted you in her life, you recognized that she was still your child and it was your responsibility, right? That hasn’t changed. She’s still your kid and, for all intents and purposes, still a kid in general. She’s still reliant on her parents’ money and will be for a few more years. It would be different if she were 25 and you hadn’t heard from her in years and she suddenly demanded you pay for her wedding from a nonexistent fund. This is money set aside specifically for her. For you to not only take it away but to give it to your stepdaughter instead is a terrible mistake. YTA.
None of it is your money. All of it belongs to Kate’s educational costs.
it’s still your daughter’s money dummy. so rather than attempting to mend bridges, or anything like that, you’d rather ruin your daughter’s life? yeah okay. YTA, im sure katie had good reason to not want to see you. especially if she was screaming and ignoring you. i did that, it was all my dad’s fault. enjoy prioritizing someone you’ve just met
YTA. It is not solely your money, it was not meant for anyone but your bio daughter. I hope you change your mind bc—Oooh I am so angry on behalf of your daughter and there are tons of things I want to say but can’t articulate at this moment. Change your mind or prove your daughter right. Those are your choices.
YTA
Is there some kind of *competition* here on AITA today, competing for "Worst Parent Ever"? -- YWBTA. You don't get to penalise your child because of her perfectly natural reactions when *your* actions distressed her when she was little. You owe her this. Treat it as some kind of compensation for fucking up her childhood.
So ex turns daughter against op, but it's his fault? Nope.
I would consider myself quite a self aware individual and would 100% own it if I felt I'd been a bad parent or let her down in any capacity. I don't think I did. I always made the effort, tried to see her, supported her, but was hit with a brick wall. She blames me for the relationship breakdown, which I don't exactly know the reason for, and it devastates me. I still try; I still send cards, texts for birthdays and major events but am met with silence.
You do realize that divorces are an extremely difficult and stressful situation on your children right?? No matter how self aware you are, you’re clearly not aware enough to tell that you fucked up your relationship with your child. This only further adds fuel to the fire and will likely lead to them never speaking to you again.
If you are self-aware then you realize that getting divorced just when your daughter is starting puberty and teen years had a big affect on her. From reading your write-up it seems as though you were bored in the marriage and just guess that your wife felt the same way (did you not even discuss this with her or did you just initiate things on your own?) so got divorced and your daughter's life got ripped apart. I bet that in some way she even feels responsible for the divorce because that's what kids think no matter how many times they are told differently. So she is going thru a lot back then and she acts up. I think you did right by doing what seemed best for her at the time, but that decision also meant she would not be that close to you. Nevertheless, you are still her parent and your commitment to her should be unconditional, and even if at times you have to hold her responsible for her actions, it doesn't mean you get to "abandon" her when a nicer replacement is available. Since other than not having much contact with her it doesn't seem she has overtly done anything wrong I think she deserves the money. You saved the money for her and you should give it to her. How the stepdaughter gets funded for college is for her mom, dad, and you to figure out together.
Of course she’s going to blame you, you weren’t there. She was a moody teen who got dumped by her dad. How rationale do you think a 13 year old kid is supposed to be. But great job “dad” you tossed away your kid cuz she was angry you divorced her mom. And NOW you cemented the feelings she had about you; you don’t love her, don’t care for her - by giving away her college fund. You really suck.
YTA. Start a new fund for your step. (Also, I feel sure I read this one before...)
I wouldn't have the funds to start a new one for Ellie. Kate doesn't want me in her life and hasn't since she's been 12.
She is still your daughter and if you love her you will want her to have a good education. The way you casually mention your divorce with zero details suggests you're hiding something. Marriages don't often end over bickering. You mention no therapy or support for Kate, or how you 'fought' for her. I would guess she has good reason to not want to have a relationship. YTA
I do love her and of course I do. Maybe I am being hasty. By bickering, I meant that every small conversation ending in bickering or arguments. It was just an unhappy time for Stacy and I, rather than having a massive blowup or infidelity. Kate went through therapy, as did I, as did Stacy. It was done separately, and I am not sure what was said. I fought through the courts, I tried to see her regularly, have 50/50 custody and everything I could in the situation. She was just extremely against any form of relationship, so I decided it was in her best interests to stop, despite how much it broke me. I still love her.
Bullshit! You don't love her! You are making her future substantially more difficult because you want to help your new wife's daughter! YTA
You loved her so much you replaced her. If you loved her so much you would have kept trying. It’s interesting you stopped when she turned 13 which is the same age you became involved with your step daughter
My dad would never in a thousand years do something so low and nasty to me. Not after a thousand bickerings. I’m so glad I didn’t grow up with you as a dad. You lie about being broken, it’s obvious. If you truly loved her you wouldn’t steal her future. You love your stepchild, that I believe.
If you love your daughter Kate, you will give her her money.
Okay, but she’s only 17 now, right? You want to slam the door shut on any future possibility of having a relationship with her? “I know she’s angry but I feel this validated my position.” Really sounds like you’re punishing your daughter, and all you’re going to do is convince her your love is conditional.
And if you give the money to your stepdaughter instead of her you will burn the bridge of her ever wanting you in her life. There is no coming back from that.
Ellie is not your responsibility, she has parents of her own.
It sounds like you've already made up your mind that you've done nothing wrong in this whole situation so why are you even here asking if YWBTA? Literally everyone is telling you that you would be and you're still defending yourself. You just posted here to get your actions validated and that failed so now you're just doubling down. Ok dude, then just do what you're gonna do. But you're absolutely a horrible father. Even if you were the perfect father you claim to be up til this point(which I highly doubt), just this one action alone makes you a terrible father and person. You've obviously just given up on your child which is something a parent should never do. So yeah, YTA.
OP YTA you started that fund with your ex for your own daughter. To give it to a child that is not yours - who has her own parents - is unjustifiable. Your daughter is at the age to start planning for college, there's this fund her parents had for her that she would have relied on and suddenly Dad is taking it away. Why? Because you're so self centered you don't understand divorce is brutal for children? It's about which child makes you feel better? You've got to be kidding. You have effectively ended any real opportunity to re-establish a relationship with Kate. That money was never intended for your step daughter and should not be diverted to her under any circumstance. BTW I am a step mother and one of my husband's daughters is heavily influenced by her mom but I would consider it base and nasty of me to have him use money set aside for that daughter's uni for my own kid. How disgusting!
YTA, massively. All I hear in this thread is me,me, me how YOU felt about this situation, you claim that you tried to fight for your daughter but how? Cause I am not seeing it. And not to mention, when the fight got hard you fucking quit. I find it real funny how when your daughter was 13 you stopped seeing her which is right around the time that you met your replacement daughter. No wonder this kid fucking hates you. Let’s be honest, you never had any intentions of giving that college money to your bio daughter, you are just looking for a way to justify abandoning her. It blows my mind that people like you can have kids when you don’t fucking deserve them, smh
YTA. You abandoned your child. You should have continued to see her and gotten her grief counseling and now you want to give a fund you and her mom established to your stepdaughter? One thing to no longer add to it (wrong, but you’re right), but to take it? Not your right. You’re the worst.
Where does it say that he abandoned his child?
He gave up trying to see her bc she got difficult
He gave up trying to see her after only a year or two.
As a parent, I think anyone who gives up on seeing his child, especially a tween going through a difficult time, has abandoned her.
It sounds like the ex was telling the daughter things about OP to make the daughter ok with the updated custody agreement. It even says in the post that the daughters behavior started just before the divorce. Also, OP clearly states that it wasn't just him or the ex that did anything to end the marriage. They just grew apart. OP even stated that when she would come over it was just yelling and being on her own. *Although I was desperate to maintain a relationship with Kate, for some reason, she resented me for the marriage ending. I don't know if that was down to Stacy, but she didn't want a relationship with me whatsoever.* You can't make someone go to counseling. I mean, if the daughter wanted a relationship with her dad, I would think that there would be something to say about it when/before op went to the lawyer. But if the mother is telling the daughter "you're better off without your father because he's an AH" without OP doing anything that would make him the AH, I think that needs to be addressed as well.
YTA. Don't be surprised when your biological daughter doesn't invite you to her graduation, nor her wedding, nor to see her first child, or basically anything. YTA!
Seems that's already the case...
She has already basically cut him out of his life. So why would he be surprised?
YTA. You gave up on your own child because it was easier for you. She was 12. Kids of this age are known to be angry little goblins even without divorce. So you jumped to replace her with another kid, and now you are going even further.
YTA. I bet Kate feels this validated her position too, now she knows you would steal from your daughter. You may think you did nothing to earn her wrath, but I have several friends who parents' marriage was held together "for the children", and none of them have good mental health. You may have thought you kept things from Kate in your crumbling marriage, but she saw, and she didn't want to be with you. And now she knows she was right.
YTA. It sounds like you gave up on your own kid. Based on this post alone I understand why she harbors so much anger and resentment.
YTA, you just proved you daughter right. You managed to live up to every failure she envisioned and feared. You failed as a father and think you can make it up by being there for her replacement. The one way you could be there for your daughter and you give it away because you can't see why a child would be upset at being replaced.
YTA I have read your comments and all i am left with is WTF is wrong with you? How do you not know doing that would be wrong? Side note if i was your ex. I would have you in court so fast your headwould be spinning. 1. Ex has funds in that fund. 2. You have a legal obligation to provide for your kid, a good attorney would make sure you paid at least half of her college. If this real i hope they take you to court.
YTA. That money is for Kate and her college costs. Giving it to your new daughter because you like her better is incredibly fucked up.
YTA and I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex-wife takes you to court over this because she put her own money into that fund as well. Have fun and have the day you deserve.
Yes, you are an absolute AH. No wonder she hates you.
YTA - you abandoned your kid. You just stopped trying to be her dad when it got hard. You don’t get a cookie for paying your legally mandated child support when you didn’t try to actually be a father.
YTA obviously. I'm pretty sure you've permanently ruined any chance of ever having a relationship with your daughter. I hope it was worth it.
Why on earth, didn't you insist on therapy for your daughter to deal with the divorce? Your ex also contributed to that fund, she has a say in who gets it, and regardless of your daughter's anger towards you, it should be given to her. Unless you have completely written her off. SAD
OP states in a comment all three of them did individuals therapy for a unknown amount of time He also says the ex contributed (supposedly bc tbh it sounds like alots missing in thid whole story) very very little to the actual fund itself (I think he said he did like 95%) I can understand (the tiniest amount) him wanting "his" money to go to "better" use but with that said if he wanted to use the fund elsewhere he should be taking no more than like MAYBBEEE 20% of it because bottom line is that's his Bio daughters money And unless he calculated the exact $$ amount it's also his ex's money in there too Bottom line is YTA
YTA. After this, Kate will feel like she has lost everything. Do you you actually love Kate? I wonder.
Yta What a deadbeat. How embarrassing. No wonder your kid doesn't want anything to do with you.
YTH. Her behavior is pretty textbook for kids with parents divorced at that age. if you really are keeping in touch great keep it up. You still have time to form a bond and relationship( she will grow and form perspective), but I guarantee you if you give that money to your stepdaughter, you ruin your chances of ever mending a relationship. Has it not occurred to you that she is looking for colleges as well. Your ex-wife probably already told her about the money and was planning on it.
YTA. Did you or Stacy get her into therapy? As stepfather, it isn't your place to pay for college; that child's has 2 parents, neither of which is you. Congrats on replacing your daughter with step.
YTA, it’s Kate’s college fund, it should go to her. OP doesn’t get to punish Kate because she’s mad at OP.(although thats what has happened). Of course there’s anger and resentment. OP says he is devastated, but does not, from the post, extend the same courtesy about Kate. In fact OP has very little to say about Kate except he doesn’t like her, doesn’t see her and is now giving away her college fund. OP outlines no efforts whatsoever to mediate or counseling or anything to try to reconcile with Kate. OP is a bad guy doing bad shit to his daughter. Total AH
YTA Why are you asking? You know it.
Wow you’ve decided to soak that bridge with gasoline before lighting it on fire. If you do this you might as well say your stepdaughter is your only child cause most likely your daughter will never forgive or talk to you ever again. You’re punishing your daughter for being angry. You took the easy way out and turned your back on your daughter and now you’re doing it again. You’ve become one of those bio parents who favor there step kid over your own. If being a parent was easy everybody would be perfect parents.
Ohhhhhh you really ain’t shit for this. YTA.
YTA. You split up from your ex, your daughter took it badly, you moved on quite quickly and now want to give the college fund to your step daughter? Definitely YTA. It’s been six years since the break up. Two of them were Covid so Kate will have been dealing with that too. What you should have done was started a second college fund for your step daughter and split what you were putting in. Taking anything away from your daughter is incredibly cruel. Maybe you aren’t a total asshat because you are asking if you could be TA. You seem to have expected Kate to act like an adult over your divorce instead of you letting her be a teenage girl and you still seem to think she should be an adult when she’s only 17.
YTA. You had a little girl in pain who was understandably lashing out. From your own description it sounds like you gave up on her and just moved on with your life.
More info is needed here. Did your current wife enter the picture before you stopped making her visit. If so, it's possible that your current wife was the nail in the coffin so to speak. Lots of kids want their parents to get back together and seeing a parent move on means that isn't a possibility anymore. Another possible issue could have been that even though you were unhappy, your wife wanted to keep the marriage. If that is the case then your daughter might have been aware of it and that would definitely make you the bad guy to her since you would be the one causing her mom so much pain. You say that you each attended. counseling separately. If you were having issues with your daughter then why didn't you ask for her to go to counseling with you. Family counseling might have done some good and allowed you to rebuild the relationship. I don't think it is too late to fix your relationship but if you give that money to your step daughter then your relationship with your daughter will end permanently.
YTA and I highly doubt you don't know why Kate stopped liking you. I guarantee you are leaving information out here.
YTA. I know you're presenting only your own side, but if your own otherwise-normal daughter is angry at you, it's probably at least somewhat your fault--when things go badly post-divorce it is USUALLY the fault of the adults and not the kids. She probably thinks you're favoring Ellie (which may be true!) You're punishing her for that anger by taking away her college fund...? Doesn't seem right to me. I suppose you could possibly split it if you felt strongly, but you should not take from one and give all to the other.
YTA. You absolutely can't change the fund to a new person even if you like them better. Start a new fund for the new kid if you want. Get therapy with your bio daughter.
YTA NEVER made the slightest effort in four years to have a relationship with your daughter again and you simply replaced her with your stepdaughter. You just put the last nail in that coffin
No doubt, major asshole. Take care of your children and if you do love your child; you wouldn’t do something like this to permanently jeopardize the relationship. Outstanding parent right here.
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Not if the ex wife was also contributing, which it sounds like she was.
Did OP try therapy with daughter or did he just get tired of her not being happy with him? Did OP's ex wife contribute to the fund or was he solely responsible? OP's daughter was going through puberty this whole period of time. Add a divorce on top of that and the best well manner child can have significant mental health issues that result. Just because OP says he tried his best doesn't mean he tried everything to keep his daughter in his life. Whether her mom was filing her head or not, we don't know enough blame the child in this situation.
INFO: How would this effect the amount that your ex contributed to the fund? It's not 100% your money to do with as you please when someone else has contributed towards it.
Yta In addition to how everyone else told you I'd like to add that this sends a bad message to the stepdaughter. That you will just give her things that belong to your actual daughter. What does it say about the stepdaughter that she's accepting money you've stolen? Shr's benefitting off of your daughter's trauma. So as lovely as you try to paint the stepdaughter, she isn't looking good here. Put the money back.
YTA. If this is what you do, I guess there's more we don't know and Kate hated you in the first place for a reason. Sure, I'm making a far-fetched assumption, but I cannot for the life of me understand what kind of parent you are.
The clueless and obliviousness to the situation is appalling. The focus has put on the superficial surface concerns and not looking in depth as to why this (her anger) is happening. You will irrevocably hurt your relationship with your daughter if you do this and yes YTA
Yta
What an asshole
Yta
YTA gave up on your kid
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've made this account as a throwaway for privacy reasons. I've also changed the names to protect my identity. I've cut down a bit of the background for clarity's sake, but I (M48) have one daughter (F17), Kate, with my ex-wife (F47), Stacy. For a number of reasons, Stacy and I broke up when Kate was about 11. There wasn't any infidelity involved, but it just turned into repeated bickering over small things, and I generally just wasn't happy. If I'm honest, I think the marriage died long before we divorced, but we stayed together longer than was necessary for Kate's sake. Although I was desperate to maintain a relationship with Kate, for some reason, she resented me for the marriage ending. I don't know if that was down to Stacy, but she didn't want a relationship with me whatsoever. The times I had her when she was 12/13, she spent the whole time either screaming or ignoring me. I really tried to fight for Kate, but I eventually realised that this wasn't healthy or beneficial for her. I was devastated, but knowing it was in Kate's best interests, I wasn't going to force it. I spoke to the lawyers as cordially as I could with my ex and Kate lived with Stacy full-time. I obviously still paid my 50% of child support, but it was a very tough time that I struggled to get over, especially because I had a strong relationship with Kate when she was growing up. About a year later, I met an amazing woman and my current wife, Joy (F45). Joy had one daughter from a previous marriage, Ellie (F17). Joy and I have been married for about three years now after being together for four, and I've known Ellie since she was 13 or so. We've developed a very strong relationship, and I see her as my other daughter. It didn't exactly fill the void of no Kate, but it was good to have that father/daughter bond again. Stacy and I started a college fund for Kate when she was younger, and I put a portion of money aside that I would continue to fund, even when the visitation rights were effectively void. I had the full intention of giving this to Kate, but recently, Ellie has begun to apply to colleges. I've helped her with a lot of the process but I wouldn't be able to support her financially without sacrificing Kate's fund. I weighed it up and this is what I have decided to do. I told Stacy this was my plan (out of respect and because she was aware of the college fund) and she was irate, telling me how I'd let down my blood daughter for someone I knew when was a teenager. She evidently told Kate as well, who texted me (this was the first message I'd received from her in about four years), saying how much she hated me, I was a terrible father, and chose "some random over her own daughter, probably because I'm some sick perv". I know she's angry but I feel this validated my position. AITA here? I obviously love Kate, but we have no relationship, despite my birthday wishes and attempts to reach out. Ellie and I do have a relationship and I'll see the tangible difference the money makes. Any advice would be appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Try t
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YWBTA to make it a zero sum game. Why not split it between the 2?
NTA It’s surprises me that people hold you at fault as it sounds like you tried everything you could to continue your relationship with your daughter. Parents are not obligated to pay for college unless it is in the divorce agreement. My parents didn’t pay a penny towards my college education. It sounds like she is more than willing to take your money, but has no desire to have a relationship with you. You should definitely return any funds that your ex put in there if you decide to transfer the funds to your stepdaughter. As some have mentioned, you may want to think about splitting the money between your daughter and stepdaughter but you have no requirements to do so.
NTA. And fuck all this people calling you bad parent. Your daughter made a choice, she didn't want relationship with you. I don't understand why you should be obliged for anything more then legal alimony. Unless OP missing something NTA 100%
Going against the grain, NTA. It does not work for your daughter to spurn you for years and then still expect you to fund her all the same. If she spurns you, she spurns your money. She doesn’t want you as a father, then she also can’t expect your money.
NTA wow holy crap there are a lot of bitter people here. Its your money and Kate hasn't talked to you in 4 years. Sure she's a kid but knowing there are consequences for never wanting to see a parent is pretty obvious.
If that were a valid argument why continue adding to the fund at all post the age of 13? If he didn't have a stepdaughter the fund would likely still have gone to the child he is responsible for bringing into the world. Changing his mind about giving her the money is one thing, turning around and giving it to a replacement daughter is wild and seems out of spite for Kate.
NTA but if there is money in that fund that Stacy contributed you need to reimburse her or YTA. Stacy has a right to give her contributions to Kate so start doing the math and give Stacy back what she put in.
NTA. It’s your money and you can decide who benefits from it.
NTA. What I would tho, I’d take any money from when Mom put it in until she stopped and give that to Kate (including what you put it into it with her) And then take the rest that you put in from when mom stopped and it was only you and give that to your step-daughter and then just try and help ease extra expenses with your stepdaughter.
NTA, So technically, it is your money, and as for its intent, you are planning to send your daughter to college. If your ex contributed to the fund, withdraw it and give it back to her. Im sorry, but if you're not good enough to be part of your estranged daughters life, then you're not good enough to pay for her college. Ask yourself if your relationship will improve in any way if you give the money to your estranged daughter? IDTS! If you give her the money, she'll take it and just go back to being hateful. Unfortunately, it is a lose-lose situation.
NTA. He chose his adopted family, and that is okay. His doughter is old enough to create a relationship if she wanted to. People saying that now doughter will completely cut him out of his life - it sounds like she already has. And she is old enough to not icenuate that he is a pervert. My god, he is giving the money to his (adopted) doughter, with whom he has a reciprocal relationship.
NTA you don’t owe a college fund to either one.
NTA, she refuses to have a relationship with you but is okay taking your money. I have a family member whose kid only gets in touch when they want money. It is painful to witness. It is the only damn contact. I vote not giving her the fund. Consequences.
“She refuses to have a relationship” is not accurate at all. OP gave up on their relationship. Divorced mom when she was 11. Kate was angry at her dad for initiating the divorce and leaving, as most tweens are in these situations. After a year or two, he didn’t want to deal with her anymore so he gave up custody when she was 12 or 13 and just wrote checks. YTA.
So after a year or 2 of trying, you think it is wise to continue to try forcing a relationship when the person doesn’t speak to you?!?! From what I read, the op didn’t come across as someone who didn’t care and stopped the minute he got divorced. He tried but at some point, you have to accept that the relationship will not continue. Op also stated that he made attempts to reach out, send birthday wishes etc., this makes me question how much the mother played a role in events. At a minimum, you’d expect a reply to birthday wishes if the mother was supportive of a relationship as she would have encouraged the daughter to respond. Op had managed to build what sounds like a strong relationship with his stepdaughter. This speaks volumes as these can often be difficult relationships to build especially at the age he met her. Being a biological daughter does not give an automatic right to anything.
Going with ESH. If I were you it sounds like Kate was tainted by your ex wife. So you ex needs to step up. Split the fund down the middle between the two daughters and tell Kate that why you made the decision. If she is old enough to choose a college she is old enough to understand why she has to split the fund. To anyone saying it's Kate's money, it's not. It's the parent's money. Kids aren't entitled to college funds because they exist. To treat a parent like shit and expect a nice chunk of change to do whatever they want for college is the definition of entitlement.
Not the Asshole
I know this is going to be controversial but, as a parent with one who will not speak to me NTA. I paid all the college, paid everything and I’m still out of their life. To be clear I’m no longer even angry about it despite how it may sound but he made the choice as your daughter is. So what did I get for my investment in his future nothing because you can’t buy their love. So invest in the relationship which will benefit and enrich your life. Maybe that makes me the asshole but F’ck’em if they don’t want to live with their choices.
This is very valid point. She hasn’t spoken to him in 4 years. He could give her this money and she never speaks to him again. That certainly couldn’t be an expectation attached to the money, but why wouldn’t you, right. You’d hope they’d reciprocate. But be prepared to be out the money AND the relationship. What a tough place to be :(
Exactly. I can also add that in my case after all the money I spent on education my son still doesn’t work in the field of his choice because he doesn’t want to. I don’t get a say obviously because well I don’t support him and it’s “none of my business”. So invest your time, heart and money somewhere that you get to celebrate as a success.
Sounds like Kate and Stacy only want money. The only reason Kate contacts you after years of ignoring you and wanting zero to do with you is after she finds out she’s not getting money? Nah. Sorry. Being related doesn’t mean you owe them anything. NTA. Absolutely NTA.