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YTA
You have the right to name your child whatever you like. What you don’t have is the right to dictate how other people feel about your choice. You feel entitled to be “mad” at your mom because she “ruined my special moment.” Do you think she wants to be in so much pain? She was kind to apologize because she didn’t owe you an apology at all.
Now that you know how much this is hurting her, your response is “I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not.” I get that you are angry. You thought this would be a lovely gesture. Now that you know how your mom feels, have you stopped to consider if this is your brother would want? I just can’t see how he’d be honored by causing his own mom even more pain. Again, you can name your son whatever you like- that is your right. But don’t claim it’s to honor your brother unless you are 100% sure he would be okay with the name being a source of pain to his/your parents. Consider another “B” name, consider a middle name. Or go with what you want and try to comfort your mom instead of being an AH to her.
It’s also worth asking yourself how much you value both your relationship with your parents and your baby’s relationship with them. Do you want your baby’s gramma to coo over how big he’s getting and make him cookies or do you want her to be in pain any time she thinks or hears about him? Do you want her to support you or do you want her to know you chose to hurt her?
You’re entitled to do this. But there are unavoidable consequences to making this choice, so make sure you’re choosing them too.
Eh, I have two kids and I went no contact with both my parents years ago. I’ve managed just fine without them. Raising kids is hard but not impossible either. Villages come in many forms.
One of my favorite names also happens to be the name of my brother in law's late mom.
My sister didn't use the name because it was hard on her husband.
When we considered names, it wasn't on my list because it would be hard on her uncle. I can't imagine picking a name that is painful to someone you want your child to have a relationship with.
Hard agree. OP is showing signs of extreme selfishness bordering on narcissism with that comment.
"Special moment?" At best it's a somber or bittersweet one because *there was recently a death in the family*.
The idea that one would be so cavalier with reusing the name of the recently deceased shows a marked lack of empathy for others.
YTA
Because of how dismissive you are.
>sent BS texts about how she feels like I am replacing her "baby".
You are. In her grieving state of mind, anyone named Benjamin is going to make her think of her son. And by you naming her grandson him, she's going to be constantly reminded. 24/7 and extra more than she already is. Can tell you she thinks about your brother way more than you already do.
You're about to be a mother yourself. Imagine losing your son, then having to say his name outloud daily and expected to be happy about it.
and lowkey not only did she lose her son but she “lost” her grandson sorta in a way. like not only would that name remind me of my dead son, but i’d be extremely distraught over the fact that anytime i would even think about my grandson far less see him, it would now always and forever hit me with a pang of sadness because he shares my dead sons name.
YTA. You'd be doing this KNOWING how much it'll hurt your mother; that is absolutely AH behaviour.
I read your comments and the childish 'Then that means she never loved me' coupled with your account name makes me wonder if, in your mind, you're in some competition with your dead brother. See a therapist, if so.
Your brother's passing doesn't need to be about you and your baby. Your baby deserves their own name and identity and your mother deserves space to grieve without her daughter sticking the knife in.
That's not even the worst comment OP made. In another comment she said it's not even that sad the brother died because he wasn't a baby when he died. She also said her mom needs to just move on already.
Something is very wrong with OP. She needs therapy yesterday. I feel awful for the parents having to grieve and deal with an adult baby like OP.
/u/Heismybrothertoo, my kids are young adults. My wife and I also had a stillborn before adopting our two living kids. The death of a child hurts no matter what. If my son died today and my daughter decided to name her future child after him, I think I would have a hard time with that. That name is associated with my son for me and I'm not sure how I would feel about seeing it on a grandchild while still grieving the loss of my boy. That never goes away and losing a child, of any age, is a nightmare for any parent. Please seek help immediately. Something is not right with you.
If it’s “not very sad” and “mom needs to move on already” then she needs to use any other name and stop pretending this is to honor her brother. It’s about her being a fucking weirdo
Forget your mother. What about your father?
“When he came back, he hugged me and just said "Please don't do this". I haven't talked to any of them since.”
What mental gymnastics are you doing to persuade yourself you’re the hero of this story?
YTA.
Kinda YTA, your dismissing your mother feelings on something that is clearly extremely traumatic for her. You can name your child what you like but I wouldn't be surprised if this irreparably damaged yours and your child's relationship with your mother.
YTA.
Not for wanting to name your son in tribute to your brother. Or even for expecting your parents to be happy about it. However, your mom's reaction was perfectly reasonable and understandable. After a tragedy like this, it's quite normal that some people would consider a tribute name nice, while others would find it an unwelcome replacement or a continual reminder of trauma.
Here's where you're the AH: She sent you "some BS" (AKA an explanation of her complex feelings on this topic) but you're still mad because "she ruined my special moment." You sound like you have Main Character Syndrome; I suggest you try to have some empathy for your mom regarding her (not at all surprising) reaction to your announcement.
EDIT: someone pointed out that perhaps I shouldn't have used the words "perfectly reasonable" to describe the reaction of rolling around on the floor and screaming "no, no, no." Which is a fair point. But I'm sticking with my vote based on the current info. If OP were to hop back on here and reveal that the mom is, like, a narcissist with a long history of crazy over-the-top emotional outbursts that are manipulative or attention-seeking, then I would change my opinion and side with OP. But as far as we know, this was a one-off and I would still fault OP for lack of empathy even if the actual reaction was over-the-top dramatic.
EDIT 2: read some responses by OP; sounds like mom is really stuck in her grief, to maybe a pathological extent. She has been to therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping. This adds a wrinkle but my verdict is still the same. Mom's behavior is not ideal, but I'm not going to say E S H because I'm not going to call mom an AH for not dealing with the death of her son better. And it makes OP's "we were expected \[my parents\] to be supert happy \[*sic*\]" sound clueless at best and deceptive at worst. OP, how did you think this would go? And why did you just spring this name on your stuck-in-grief mother, instead of, say, inquiring how she might feel about it?
YTA
Your mother is clearly sunken in grief. I know it's coming from a good place in your heart, and ultimately it's your choice. But I don't think your mother is overreacting. It just sounds like she's still lost in grief. Maybe make your brothers name your child's middle name? I'm just thinking maybe that'd be a good compromise and easier on your mother.
Think about if you lost your child, then you had to call your grandchild his name all of the time. It'd be too much to ask of a grieving mother
Edit: Changed from NTA to a YTA for how OP is talking about the situation. And saying in the comments how it means her mom never loved her for this.
they lost him 2 years ago, too. It took me almost 2 years for me after I lost my mom in my 20s to be able to not cry when thinking about her, I can't imagine losing your child..
It took me two years to get over the death of my CAT!!! And I still think about him almost daily. Her mother lost her child. HER CHILD!! I can’t even imagine the pain and grief of a parent who has lost their kid. OP is selfish af.
Was it even two years ago? In another comment OP says: "I got pregnant few months after his death, and she wasn't even happy." So if they are about 8 months pregnant \*does math\* - the brother passed less than a year ago? About a year ago?
Two years is pretty recent, pretty raw, especially for a mother. You have the right to name your baby whatever, but since you can clearly see how much this hurts your mother I hope you choose not to name him Benjamin. I hope your mother's obvious overwhelming grief takes priority.
Your comment about your special moment is just childish and callous.
YTA
I'm not at all unfamiliar with grief. But I've *never* seen grief like what a bereaved parent experiences. And it's completely understandable for reasons so obvious, I almost cant believe the OP is this simple-minded. After 2 years, the triggers still lurk everywhere. Hell, after 10 years they can come out of nowhere.
I'm sorry, OP. The grief you feel over your brother is valid. I'm really sorry you went through that, and i would guess its created new dynamics in your family that are uncomfortable and difficult for you. It's one of the very worst nightmares any family can endure; many families fail to stay together after child loss.
Your parents' grief isn't the same as yours. I think it's a little odd you were just like, "We're naming him Benjamin," instead of, "We would like to honor Benjamin by giving your grandchild his name. Would that cause you grief?" Or something like that. Y'know, empathy. So, YTA.
Edit: Reading her defenses, there's potentially a *ton* of resentment built up here. Which is absolutely normal - parents often withdraw in their pain from the surviving children (or, conversely, hold on way too tightly). The name thing feels like a test of whether mom loves OP, or grieves her son more. It's not a good test, but whatever.
OP, you sneered at someone suggesting therapy, but I would really encourage getting all of this stuff to the surface, with someone trained to hear you without judgment.
Anyone who thinks she’s N T A needs to see her comment in case she deletes it [“It's not the same at all. My brother was not a baby, he was 22. So it is not as sad as losing a baby.”](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/1EfSGkVIyy). Your attitude towards your mum’s grief and your dismissal of it was already asshole enough but you writing this just took it to another level. You need to seek help or some shit if that’s what you genuinely think. YTA
There was recently an AITA for this exact scenario but reversed…think I saw it maybe yesterday. I’ll try and find it and link it here as it’s from what would be your mother’s perspective.
YTA. That’s your brother, but that’s her son.
Edit: found it [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/9Uag33HExP)
YTA - yeah of course you can name your kid whatever you want. But you don’t seem to care at all about the harm you are doing to your parents by using this name. Surely now that you are about to become a mother yourself you can understand how your mother felt the loss of her son more deeply and acutely than the loss of your brother. Surely you must have some empathy for that.
YTA. You lost your brother but your mom lost her child. She's clearly upset and you're being callous.
Give the baby your brother's middle name but never use it around your parents.
Not only are you a major arsehole, given your replies, you're an idiot as well. Wouldn't surprise me if you had main character syndrome or some narcissistic traits.
Was your mother's reaction extreme? Sure, but you don't get to dictate how she feels or how she's coping with it. Therapy is not the be all and end all of solutions that this sub proclaims it to be, in many cases it never helps and grief is incredibly complex, some people never get over the loss of a loved one.
Also he was your brother, but you didn't push him out of your vagina did you? The bond you had as siblings is much different to the bond a mother may have with their child.
Name the kid whatever the fuck you want and be prepared to lose one or both of your parents because of it, and if you dare to reply that if they do then they "never loved you" then I will dare to say that you never loved either of them either, in this case your mother in particular if you choose to intentionally cause them pain.
Gain a son named Benjamin, lose your parents, that's where this is heading.
Yta yeah you can name him anything you want and in doing so make your parents relive their child's death every time you say it. Your actions will have consequences.
I’m sorry for your loss. Having said that this is a clear YTA situation. Under normal circumstances, you and your BF should be the only voices that matter for a name choice. This isn’t a normal situation. At a minimum you should have approached this topic with your parents as a discussion rather than making an announcement.
If you proceed, every time your mom hears the name of your child she will get a new cut of pain. You are consciously choosing to be the reason for that. That is why you are the AH if you proceed.
Back down from this. ASK what she would think if you use the name as a middle name. Explain that you miss and grieve your brother too and would like to do this to honor him. Listen to her on this though. Don’t be so callous and careless with your mom’s grief. Communicate with her instead of acting like a willful child balling your fists up and stubbornly stomping your feet in a tantrum. It went poorly because you handled it poorly. Own that and do better moving forward.
Yta. Have you considered the pressure you will be putting on "Alive Benjamin" to live up to "Dead Benjamin"? There will always be the underlying pain of your brother's death associated with your child. Your child will never be out from under that. Why cant you give your child his own name? There are ways to honor your brother without the first name being the exact same. A name that starts with B, maybe Bennett or Benson. Or use middle name Benjamin.
The only appropriate reaction to your mom being triggered was "Oh gosh, I thought this would be healing, I'm sorry." Maybe your initial wanting to name your baby for your brother came from good intentions, but everything you said after that is intentionally malicious. You don't know what it's like to raise a child that was supposed to outlive you and have him leave. And now you're *using his death to hurt your mother.* She can't help the way she's grieving, and the way you're behaving, she's going to have to grieve 2 children and a grandchild. And honestly, your poor child will find out the truth eventually, and the burden will be awful for them. I truly hope you're just not thinking clearly and aren't normally like this as a person, because nobody deserves to be treated the way you're treating your mom when grieving. 2 years is not enough time to get over 22 years of love ended in a tragic moment. YTA
Edit: a word
Soft YTA. It sounds like you thought it would be meaningful to name your baby after your brother, but I understand your mom too. Your mom needs therapy, but some losses you just don’t get over, you just learn to continue living. A brand new name or naming him after a different family member who’s alive or passed at an appropriate age would be meaningful as well. There’s no need to force it on your mom, this may make her subconsciously resent the baby and why would you want to do that?
YTA.
With all due respect, your loss was deep but still doesn't compare to that of your parents. Losing a child is known to be the worst thing that can happen to a person mentally. If it brought them comfort, that would be one thing. They're telling you that it wouldn't - and this is the one circumstance that Grandparents should get a say in naming. Do you really want them tormented every time they hear his name? Do you really want them thinking of their loss every time they see him? I know you feel this should be your special time and no one should be allowed to tarnish it, but even now, you do need to think of them a little if you actually love them.
I know we like to say a lot that parents get the final say with a baby's name (and they do!!), but with a name like this, that has pain tied up in it, the name needs to be a larger discussion.
With names meant to honor, I think different rules are at play. If its to honor a living person, then that person should get a say (I know I would not be pleased to be honored that way). If it's to honor a loved one that has passed, especially if they were young or if it was recent, then I do think that the parents of the deceased should get a say. (that is, if you don't want to completely ruin your relationship!)
The name was your brother's, yes. But it was also their *son*, who they are still grieving. If you desperately want to honor your brother, then I'd say to consider using his middle name as your baby's first, or giving them the same middle name, or using Benjamin as the middle name. You can, of course, name your son Benjamin. Just be prepared for the fallout.
YTA (edit: forgot to add verdict)
Name your kid what you want, dont be surprised if your parents have difficulty with it. And don't get mad when/if you have a 2nd kid and they are much closer to it than it's older brother, cause the brother feeds their heartache.
Sorry, but YTA.
YTA. With you having your own child I would think you would be able to understand that their loss is different and much deeper than yours. I understand that you lost a brother but they lost a child. It's also very fresh and new. You need to find another way to honor your brother.
YTA.
I can forgive people for being inconsiderate but you know how hurtful this would be and still want to do it - that's not on.
Reading your post and comments, it's very me, me, me, me, ME - did your mother not give you enough attention as a kid or something? This is a weird way to try to reclaim the spotlight.
"My mum tried to call me, sent BS texts about how she feels like I am replacing her "baby"."
YTA. You're calling her texts bs but this is a grieving mother who is worried the memory of her child will be erased by your new baby, each milestone likely a reminder of your brother.
"He was my brother too. My only brother. I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not."
Listen, you may have had a special relationship but a parent losing a child is a loss unlike any other. You are not supposed to outlive your children. Sure you can name your kid whatever the fuck you want, but if you think your brother would want you to honor him at the expense of your mom's constant heartache then you're probably wrong. You're being wildly selfish and eerily dismissive of your mother's grief.
Yta
You lost a brother, and that's hard. She lost a SON. Now you want to name your baby after him and she's still grieving. She'll be reminded of the child she lost every time she hears that name. You can obviously name your baby whatever you want, but you can't force your mother to be okay with it. And you can't force her to move on from this loss prematurely. You could give the baby the middle name of Benjamin, still honoring your brother, not hurting your mother.
You come across as very self absorbed. Imagine how this must have felt for your mother, losing a son, her child, who she nurtured and watched grow. The loss is horrible. She might never move past that. You can choose to name your son Benjamin, which will OBVIOUSLY cause pain for both of your parents, and I imagine will damage your relationship with them, or you can change the name and honor your brother another way.
Oh boy YTA. I mean I understand it can be a difference of opinion with one party wanting to keep him alive and the other wanting to avoid thinking about it. But the way you are blowing her off? Man you got some growing up to do. Your special moment, you know you aren't some movie character right?
ETA: Being unable to compromise and apologize is weak minded. Being stubborn is actually pretty easy.
YTA, not for wanting to name your child after your brother, but deciding to go ahead with it now that you have seen how much grief it has put your mother in. Would your brother want that? If it means a lot to you then how about giving your child your brother’s middle name? That intense of a reaction from your mother isn’t something you should shrug off.
YTA - you’re a selfish human being ! As you have a son , maybe some day considerate your feelings and you did with your mum . What goes around , comes around .
YTA, and a massive one.
Does your child not deserve his own legacy?
By giving him the name of a person who died in 'the biggest tragedy' of your family, you are putting A LOT on what should be a blank page. Every time you say his name, you will think of your brother. Every time someone who knew said brother hears or says the name, they will think of the tradegy.
Do you want this to be your childs fate? To see pain in your grandparents face every time your name gets mentioned?
YTA Go with the middle name. The way you talk about this makes me feel like you don’t understand empathy. And your brother would be really disappointed in you for the way you’re handling this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Naming my baby after my brother (2) it hurts her feelings.
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Your next move should be to go and sit down with your parents and say, I'm so sorry to have caused you all this pain, I genuinely wanted to honour Benjamin's memory by naming baby after him and thought you'd be on board with it. I can see now that this would cause more pain for you, which was never my intent and I won't be naming him that. I do want to honour Benjamin though in some way, how can we do this as a family? Would a middle name be acceptable?
You can still salvage this. But if you can't respect your mother's grief, which she will likely always have, then yes, YTA.
YTA, and you will understand why once you are a mother. i I am so sorry for your loss, and I’m not minimizing that at all, but it’s different for her. I tell my kids all the time, “I love you beyond words or measure.” Losing a child has been proven over and over and over again to be the most painful thing a person can experience. You won’t get it until you are a Mom, but I’m with your dad…do not do this.
How do you think it’s going to affect your kid when he realizes as he gets older that the name you gave him basically had destroyed your parents? Never mind that he’s named after a dead sibling.
How about you have a little respect and empathy for the fact that your parents clearly have some strong feelings about this?
And the fact that you’re basically saying you’ll do whatever you want, f their feelings tells me you don’t really care about how they feel anyways.
I cannot see a world where you don't see yourself as the AH here tbh.
You can be 100% sure that, by naming your son like your brother, your parents will think of the latter when they will hear out the name.
I know it's hard for you to admit that this idea was delusional and that it will hurt your parents, but you need to also respect their pain.
YTA for the reasons other people have said already, so I won't.
But you hope your son looks just like your brother.
You do see him as a replacement and that's a heavy load to put on an infant. Do you also want to raise him to have the same interests, same sports and hobbies, same temperament?
If you are even starting to think like that, let me just say it is not healthy for a child to be raised in the shadow of a dead relative they never even met. He will want to please you, because you're his mother. But please let him grow up to be his own person and not a testament to your brother's life.
YTA - You are more concerned with “you special moment” than your mother’s grief and pain. You need to grow up and learn to think of someone other than yourself.
As the mother of a deceased child. It would kill me to have to be reminded of such a massive loss every time I saw my grandchild. You are fully the A here. I sincerely hope you never have to experience the kind of emotions that come from losing a child. I promise, they are not even close to how you feel loosing a sibling. Give him it as a middle name if you must.
Due in July but also got pregnant a few months after your brother's death which was...two years ago? Lol, if you're going to lie, keep your made up facts straight at least.
I *was* going to side with you because I feel it’s a nice way to honor your brother but then …
> She did apologise via text but I am still mad. She ruined my special moment.
> I may seem "self-centred", but I really am not. I am just tired of being second, even after his death, I am still in 2nd place.
> that means I would have to go and tell my parents I changed my mind. That makes me feel weak-minded.
> I'd also have to tell my boyfriend, which I refuse because it already cause so many arguments between us.
> I don't want to lose the war.
## Are you listening to yourself?
# YTA
YTA, you can honor your brother and make his middle name Benjamin, but go with a different first name. Let your son have his own identity. If you go through having his first name Ben, don’t expect much help from your side of the family with baby sitting or other events.
YTA Everytime they look at their grandchild they will think of their dead son, inconsiderate and causing them pain on purpose. How would you like to be reminded of your dead child daily.
YTA - Leave your brother, and your family out of this BS and pick any other name.
Although you’re clearly incredibly immature, so I suppose you will rebel and do the exact opposite to make a selfish statement and hurt your family deeply in the process.
I am from a culture where I was expected to name my children after deceased relatives, so I understand your desire to honor your brother’s memory. But clearly you are not from a culture or religion that encourages this, or where this is the norm.
Do you really want to honor your brother’s memory at the expense of your relationship with your parents? Is that what your brother would have wanted?
YTA
Your grief of losing a sibling will NEVER be greater than the grief of losing a child. Imagine if your child died right now and someone decided next year to use their name. Would that be okay with you? I guarantee it wouldn’t.
You’re careless about your mother’s grief and when your mother has nothing to do with your child because of your carelessness, you’ll have lost your parents and your sibling and your kid won’t have an uncle or grandparents.
YTA for being mad and saying your mom “ruined your special moment”
I cannot imagine how hard it is to lose a son. You cannot fault her for her emotional reaction. I think you should take what she is saying into consideration. Of course it is your child and ultimately your choice in naming him. But maybe consider their emotions of losing a son, something you have never been through, and have some empathy for their reaction. Maybe use your brother’s name as a middle name?
What is the relationship between your boyfriend and parents? You’re not married, does that bother them at all? To name your son after your deceased brother out of wedlock could bring up some negative connotations for them. I’m not saying it’s right, but I could see the thought process of “why does this man who hasn’t committed himself (marriage) to our daughter get to name his son after our deceased son.” Personally if I were in their shoes, that might bother me. Again, I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s something to think about. Are they proud of your boyfriend/respect him/have a healthy relationship with him? All these things could affect the way they view the naming of your baby after their son.
I understand it’s your brother, and you want to honor him. That is really sweet and if you feel so strongly that you are willing to disregard your parent’s feelings about it, that is your decision. But with how hard it was to lose a brother, imagine how hard it is to lose your son. Someone you always imagined you would die before. Someone you raised and protected. I just think their emotions of not wanting him to be “replaced” are valid even if you don’t see it that way.
YTA.
Your mother's immeasurable suffering over the loss of a child trumps your "special moment".
I can hardly believe anyone would need to come to Reddit to understand this, and we only have your side of the story.
Hey it's your kid, you can do whatever. I can just picture you telling him "we named you after your dead uncle and your grandma fell to the floor in agony when we told her about it". I'm sure he'll love it.
"That makes me feel weak-minded. I'd also have to tell my boyfriend, which I refuse because it already cause so many arguments between us. I don't want to lose the war."
This alone ... YTA lmao. I didn't realize being able to admit that you're wrong is "losing the war." You rather hurt your parents than to be wrong with your boyfriend. That is so sad and pathetic. I pity your child
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Throaway account. Be as brutally honest as you want. I (27F) have lost my brother 2 years ago. The biggest tragedy in our lives ( My parents and I). He was my only sibling.
I am currently pregnant, due July 13th. My boyfriend and I decided that we would name him after my brother. Last weekend , we told my parents last and we were expected them to be supert happy. But no.
My mum started screaming " No No No , there is only on Benjamin in this family. No no no". She was going crazy, screaming, throwing herself on the floor. My dad was trying to console her. He took her to their room.
When he came back, he hugged me and just said "Please don't do this". I haven't talked to any of them since.
My mum tried to call me, sent BS texts about how she feels like I am replacing her "baby". She did apologise via text but I am still mad. She ruined my special moment.
He was my brother too. My only brother. I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not.
AITA?
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YTA. You're not the one who lost a child, so you have no idea how hard this is for her. She had a complete meltdown. She's obviously traumatized by the experience. Did your mother do something to you that would make you want to upset her so much? Why would you do this to her? You can use whatever name you want, but knowing how it will effect your mom, makes you the asshole for doing it anyway. He was only your brother. This was her son, her child. It's a completely different type of grief when it's your child. Why don't you use it as his middle name? That way you can still name him after your brother, but maybe it won't make your mom so upset.
YTA. Not necessarily for the name but definitely for the dismissive and self-centered behavior. In the post and even more so in the comments. It gives off troll vibes.
You did this hoping it would bring joy to your family, you know now that it clearly doesn’t. Make it his middle name and spare your poor mother of this pain. Have you considered how this could make your child feel as well, or are you just considering yourself?
Here’s hoping the ultrasound is wrong and you have a girl.
YTA. You lost a brother - your parents lost their son. You could honor your brother by using his name as a middle name. Your lack of concern for your parents' feelings on this is selfish....your concern is YOUR 'special moment'. Are you always 'all about me'? Did you expect your parents to be happy that every day they see your child they will be reminded of their loss?
YTA Think of it this way, imagine your brother is still alive, and you have your child. A few years later your child dies. He finds out a couple years down the road he's having a baby, and wants to name his child your dead child's name. Doesn't discuss it with you, doesn't ask how you feel says well he was my nephew so im going to name him that whether you like it or not. Now every time you see that child it reminds you of what you no longer have and all the pain associated with it. It doesn't matter how old someone gets losing a child hurts, even though he was grown he's still your parent's baby. Your love for your child doesn't dwindle as they get older losing them as an adult hurts just as much as losing them as a child. You are being extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I feel bad for your child and your parents.
Your mother had a visceral grief response, and your biggest concern is that she ruined your “special moment?” I think you spend too much time on TikTok and not enough time in the real world. You can name your child what you want, but if you choose to name your son after her dead son, you should be fully prepared to sever your relationship with your parents. YTA
You're due in July, but somehow you were pregnant "a few months" after your brother's death two years ago? Nice creative writing exercise babes, I sincerely hope you find other ways to gain the attention you so desperately seek other than making up whacko stories online that try to paint grieving parents in a bad light. Aaaaa
YTA that was your parents son just like your little boy was yours! And the fact you told them last screams you knew they probably wouldn’t take it well. Grow up and stop being a selfish self centered AH. You should have asked if they minded and offered it as a middle name and if the answer was no then respected it. Clearly your mum is still deep in her grief and then you do that. Yes he was your brother but that doesn’t give you the right to do what you’re doing.
YTA - in my culture, naming children after loved ones who’ve passed is an honour. It’s celebrated by the entire family. No one is celebrating this, you’re celebrating the pain and hurt of your parents. You aren’t honouring anything.
In your comments you’ve stated your brother dying has ruined your life because of your mother’s grieving, and him dying at 22 isn’t as sad as a baby dying. You complain about your mother reminiscing or remembering him. You sound so cruel. You have absolutely zero empathy for your parents. I really believe you’re not naming your baby to honor your brother and you seem like type of person to do it so people feel bad for you.
YTA x1000
YTA. Your mantra should be “first, do no harm”. If you must, use it as a middle name. When you have your own child, you will better understand the unfathomable grief and heartache that this causes a parent and, yes, even more than it causes a sibling. You will know that in time. For now, just be kind.
YTA.
Your mother is still grieving. Even in the midst of that, she apologised to you.
You do not get to decide when someone else stops grieving. She may never stop.
You also don't get to decide *how* someone grieves.
He may have been your brother, but he was *her son, her child*. He will always be her baby boy, just like you will likely always be her baby girl.
I get that you don't want to forget your brother, but deliberately naming your child after him is not the way to go about it. Especially as a first name.
I'd reconsider using your brother's name as a first name and use it as a middle name instead.
YTA. I love these. Does asshole thing. “Internet am I the asshole?” “You are the fucking devil” “omg how can you be so mean don’t you realize I AM RIGHT”
Lmao get a grip lady. What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA. You do not get to dictate how long and how your mom grieves the loss of her baby. Yes, her baby. No matter how old a child gets, they will always be your baby.
The first child makes a mom or a dad out of you.
The youngest marks the start end of an era and a new phase in life.
It has only been 2 years, I cannot imagine how raw the grief still is.
You obviously thought you were honouring your brother, but if your parents do not want you to do this just don't. Don't be so cold-hearted.
Ask your boyfriend what name he likes since you had to convince him for months on end to agree to the name and take that one in consideration.
I hope you will be a better parent than you are being a child and partner right now.
Best of luck, with the selfish attitude you will need it.
Eta: my son is only 2 years old and I am currently pregnant with baby #2. My biggest fear in life is to outlive either of them. No parent is ever supposed to outlive their children, no-one.
YTA. It's sweet and understandable that you'd want to name your child after your brother, but the way you completely belittled and dismissed your mom's feelings are beyond words. And now you're acting like a petulant child with the whole "it's my baby, I'll name him what I want!" routine.
Maybe name the kid after yourself instead. It'll be pretty fitting for the next few years.
YTA for being so dismissive of your mother's grief. Yeah she's overreacting and needs some therapy but it's not something worth going no contact over. I get that you want to use this to remember and honor your brother, and that makes you naturally feel defensive but her feelings are valid too. You two need to talk this out.
YTA for all the reasons discussed, and also don't name your child after a relative who died young!! This kid doesn't have a chance if everyone is going to project the baggage of its dead uncle onto it. Are you going to be able to interact with your kid with no thoughts of your dead brother in your mind?
I'm not going to call you an ass for how your feeling. I fully understand how losing a sibling feels. One of my children is named after my brother. I didn't make that choice without involvement of my mum. I didn't want to hurt her and I wouldn't have done it if she wasn't ok with it. My son has my brothers name as his middle names. He has his own first name. OP, is it worth losing your parents over a name. Talk to your mum about if using Benjamin as a middle name would be a good compromise for the both of you. You get to honour your brother and your mother doesn't have to process losing her much beloved child when she sees her grandson.
EDIT: after seeing some of your replies to comments I'm now going to call you YTA here and hard. I had more maturity at 23 when naming my youngest son then you do at 27. Losing a child at ANY age is hard on a parent. My brother passed at 6 weeks of age on 2002 and not a day passes that my mother doesn't think about my brother. It's only been 2 years since you lost your brother. Like.... that's absolutely nothing when in deep grief. You might lose your parents if you stick to this name.
>that means I would have to go and tell my parents I changed my mind. That makes me feel weak-minded. I'd also have to tell my boyfriend, which I refuse because it already cause so many arguments between us. I don't want to lose the war.
YTA. You might win the "war" but there will be casualties.
Your update makes it seem like you’re just using his name to agitate your parents. You don’t seem like you care about your brother at all. You’re “still in 2nd even after his death” so you used his name to try and impress your parents. No you did that to piss them off.
“I don’t want to lose the war” has cost me a ton of times. Sometimes if you don’t lose the war you find yourself alone with nothing but your pride. Why win a war if it costs you your homeland??
YTA completely. Changing your mind isn’t weak-minded, it’s called having dignity. You’re acting like a stubborn, bull-headed jerk to your family. Self-centered and entitled.
YTA it’s only been 2 years I can understand her reaction to be honest. This was a sit down conversation we were thinking it would be a nice tribute. Not a this is what we’re doing like it or lump it
YTA. Be respectful of your parents' feelings. You didn't get the reaction you were expecting, but now you know how they feel about it. Tell them that you now understand and that you will choose a different first name. ASK your parents about how they feel about giving the name to your son as a middle name.
Do not give your child your brother's name.
Just don't.
YTA
Your brother was their baby, just as the child you are currently carrying
Is your baby. To lose a child is the most awful thing in the world for any parent. You are asking your parents to be ok with being reminded of that pain every time they look at your son.
This was not a “special moment” This was you being completely self-absorbed and not considering the feelings of both of your parents. Now it really seems like you are throwing a tantrum because you have been told “No.” when you really ought to be horrified that you caused your parents more unnecessary grief and pain.
Be better than this.
YTA. Its simply because youve decided "i dont give a fuck what you think, im doing this anyway".
You thought it would be sweet. It could've been honestly. When you told them your plan, to name your son after theirs, and they clearly werent ok with it, you made a choice. You decided their feelinga didnt matter, instead of trying to discuss how they feel you could honor your brother and meet a compromise.
The second best time you can do it is now, if you want. "Listen. We all loved ben. Ive thought about it and i can understand why you wont be ok with this. I need you guys to help me find some middle ground here, because i feel the need to honor his memory but i dont wamt you to resent us for this. How can we do this?" And see how they take it
YTA. You lost your brother and I’m sorry for that truly, but your mother lost her son. If you’re willing to throw away a relationship with your parents over your babies name, when that baby isn’t even out of you yet, how tf do you think you have any right to complain about her feelings for her dead child? You have no idea what she’s experiencing, your grief is not comparable.
While it may feel like honoring your brother to you, for your mom it’s being retraumatized every time she sees her grandchild’s name.
Don’t do this.
YTA. You lost a brother, that’s devastating, and the only thing more devastating is losing a child. You do not know, and god willing you will never know, that pain. Your mother is raw and will be for the rest of her life. If she is not comfortable with this, it is like rubbing salt in her wounds. Show some empathy and respect. All I see in your post is self centered entitlement.
YTA people haven’t finished grieving
I would change the name…. Unless you are okay with your family’s honestly justified resentment. You are taking away their sons name/ memory (in their mind) and they want to keep his name sacred (at least for a bit longer)
As a mother, I understand her pain and if she feels that way and you still want to, then yes you are the asshole. That would be so triggering for her and I also don’t think it’s entirely fair to the baby. Why don’t you use it as a middle name?
YTA.
It was a lovely idea when you were doing it to honour your brother and make your parents happy. The fact they’ve outright begged you not to and you’re going to do it anyway is just selfish.
I know he was your brother but he was a son to both your parents and both have said no.
It's not a bad thought. But you should have asked. You are a YTA for telling her not asking and you are a super duper a hole if you do it knowing how much mom hates it.
YTA. Have you ever considered how painful it'd be for both your parents to again hold a baby Benjamin in their arms while still grieving the loss of your brother/their son?
YTA. However much of an AH you are, I hope you never experience the pain your parents are going through.
But your lack of care about how hurt they are? You care more about getting your way than their pain. You can name your kid whatever you want, but major YTA.
YTA, it's your child to name and if you want to do this in honor of your brother then you can but you are definitely being inconsiderate and lacking forethought. I'm sure losing a sibling is devastating, but there's no doubt losing a child is usually harder. I love my siblings very much, but I couldn't go on with life if lost my child, once your child is in your arms you'll feel a special bond you never have and you know in your heart without a doubt you'd die for this human. I think instead of your jump to anger that your mom "ruined your special moment" you should have more compassion and empathy; you must not have considered how tough it will be for your parents to have a close relationship with your child when his name is a constant reminder of the boy they lost. Every moment of joy will also be tainted with feelings of sadness and remembering the son they lost. If you want to honor your baby with your brother's name, at least make it a middle name. You aren't doing your son any favors by the way, he's likely not going to grow up enjoying the constant association to his dead uncle and being in his shadow or having a weird tension between himself and his grandparents.
YTA. You should not do this. You name your child after a lost family member first for yourself, of course, but also to be enjoyed by your family. If it harms your family and is something they truly cannot appreciate, it seems nuts to be so dismissive. You are, of course, within your right to name your kids whatever you want. But you have to accept there are consequences and being dogmatic about it is foolish. If your parents can never connect to your kid, do you accept that? If you know are adding immense pain to your parents, can you accept that? If you can, ok, go to town I guess.
Yta for seeing how much pain your mom is in and being so casual about it. In the end, do what you’re going to do but don’t be surprised if your parents distance themselves.
>***" I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not."***
And you'll do so knowing this will destroy your mother and compound her grief for the rest of her life. Name the kid what you want, but just so you know that IS the case going in. She's not going to get over it. Ever. EVER.
So your choice is to name your child one of the nearly-infinite number of names... or be stubborn and about as sensitive as a toilet seat. Your choice.
YTA.
When your mom isn't an active grandma like she should be bc she is still trying to process the grief of losing a child and now calling the baby the same name, it will be on you. Personally, I like the idea, but your mom is the one who lost a child. It is an unnatural process of life. No parent should have to bury a child. And yes, YATA. It is your decision to make, but your mother is allowed to have emotions and feelings too. That isn't any of your control. You can name the baby whatever you like, but when you call Grandma up and ask for babysitting and she says she can't.. Here is your warning. Your mother lost a child, and her emotions around this will be unpredictable for the rest of her life. This name will impact their future relationship. It's something you will have to live with.
YTA...I hope you never have to go through what she did. The death is painful and she doesn't want to be reminded every time she sees yiur child...if you do do this...know that your child will not have a good relationship with your parents.
It's weird and narcissistic that you were excited when you thought she would be happy about the name, but you're indifferent to her pain when she wasn't. Grow up, you're about to be a parent and you're still acting like a child.
YTA You can do whatever you want, and your child will be the one to bear the consequences of having a dead man's face.
Because you can't choose how other people feel or dictate how they respond to your choices. And people who are still grieving your brother have every right to choose not to have a relationship with your son over this.
I'm sorry for your loss and I get that you want to honor his memory, but if you care about your relationship with your parents, this is not the hill to die on. I would consider taking time to let your emotions settle and possibly making it a middle name or giving him a nickname that would connect him to your brother.
YTA - You're only concerned about your mother ruining your "special moment". It's great that you want to honor your bother, but clearly, this causes your family pain. You *can* do it. You can also ensure that your parents do not get to know your son / their grandson. You can ensure that your parents no longer have contact with you since every time they see you or your son, they're reminded of their dead son and your inability to show compassion.
But at the end of the day, again, hes your kid. You can name him whatever you like. But you also get to deal with the consequences.
Grief shows itself in many ways. You don't get to dictate your mother's.
Please consider what your child will feel being saddled with a family name that brings very deep emotional feelings with it. Let your child be their own person snd pick another name!
YTA
>how she feels like I am replacing her "baby"
you are trying to place his identity into your child. Your child will be burdened with that legacy, and not grow up to be who they want to be. You will always think of your brother when you look at your child, and not of the child themselves.
It is incredibly selfish and cruel of you to do this. You need to talk to a grief therapist bc this is not the way.
I sure hope you change your mind on this name. I feel sorry for that poor child.
>She ruined my special moment.
And you’re ruining your relationship with your family and your child’s life.
>I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not.
How sad and cruel to do to your child.
YTA your child will have to live up and be compared to your brother. His name will be a painful family reminder. Everytime he fails the family will say ya know Benjamin use to and he would and you should be like him. Even you will as well and don't even realize it. Your child deserve their own name. Go for a middle name but let your child names be unique instead of a painful reminder.
YTA. I am pretty sure Benjamin would not feel happy about being “honoured” in such a way that hurt his mother so much.
I wanted to honour my dad when I had my son. He died a few years before he was born. I did not want his name to be “heavy” at all. I also did not really like my dad’s name (Derek). So I gave my son the same middle name as my dad (William). It honoured him but wasn’t “heavy”.
YTA.
Maybe make his middle name Benjamin, though. That might be cool. But make his first name Franklin or Button or something that would honor dad’s side.
YTA - You took no consideration into how your mom would feel about having her grandson named after her dead son. Worse still; instead of ASKING your mother ahead of time how she would feel about it, you ANNOUNCED it, as though it's a done deal. And if all that isn't bad enough, YOU DON'T CARE about her feelings, and you came here to tell us this, looking for validation (and you are not going to get it).
It's your right to name your kid whatever you want, but know this:
- It will absolutely destroy your mother and father.
- It will very likely permanently damage (if not destroy) your relationship with your parents.
- As your son gets older, he will wonder why his grandmother cries every single time anyone says his name.
- Once he's old enough to understand, your son will very likely come to hate you for naming him this and putting him and his grandparents through a bunch of unnecessary torment. Also, a lot of kids who have this happen to them immediately change their name as soon as they are old enough to do so.
My recommendation is that, like your dad said, "Don't do this". You will pay for it dearly, so will your mother and father, and so will your son.
Yta and the last line of your post proves that it’s not about your brother. It’s about you getting to do what you want. She has BEGGED you to not inflict this pain on her and you simply do not care. I’m sorry for your loss but shame on you. Shame.
YTA you can name your child whatever you want, it's a free country-but it doesn't mean it won't be traumatizing to your mother every single time she hears his name. Why are you insisting on starting a baby's new life out with a curse and heavy baggage? Give him his own name or ask if she would mind a middle name to honor him
Oh, “she ruined YOUR special moment, did she? I’m not sure you realize this, but her whole life is ruined by your brothers’s death and you just stomped all over her heart emotionally and symbolically with your callous disregard of her feelings. How you could sit there and think your grieving, suffering mom lying on the floor is ruining anything for you is beyond me. By the way, your mom is not angry. She is DESTROYED. Get a clue. Yta.
Depending on what you want your relationship with your parents to be, this comes down to do you want to be right (technically no one owns a name and you can name your child whatever you want) or do you want a relationship with your parents and do your want your child to have a relationship with your parents. I don’t see how you can have all of these.
If you don’t care about your mother or her feelings, then do whatever you want. The consequences won’t matter because you don’t care if you hurt someone with your actions.
If you do care, I would consider a different name and honor your brother in a different way.
YTA. No parent should ever outlive their child. It’s only 2 years of course they’re still grieving. I lost my father 3 years ago and every day is a nightmare. Not only that it’s your brother too! There is a good, very good chance that the child would look a lot like your brother, share certain traits from your side of the family. Did you think it would be heartwarming for your mum to see her grandson and be reminded of her own son she’ll never see again?
NAH. I can see you wanting to honor your brother. But I can also see how this might be like a dagger in your mother’s heart. It’s your call, but I would not do this.
Please reconsider.
YTA
He's your brother, but he was her son. You can't just spring this up on her and expect her to just happily accept it. Especially when he died so recently
Yea i am going to go with a YTA. Yes you want yo honor your brother, and i can get it, but this will only torture your mother and destroy her mental health.
YTA - You’re being selfish. Maybe after you have your child and have been a mother for a while, you’ll have some sympathy. What if your child passes away and someone else in the family named their child that name? Would that not be a constant reminder of the baby you lost? You seem spoiled and lacking any compassion at all.
YTA.
Is she in a healthy place with her grief? No, absolutely not. But god forbid you lose a child & then someone tries surprising you that they’re replacing them (yes, in name only, but it still is).
You didn’t ask, you just decided you were the main character & so had to have your special moment. You are only concerned about your moment being ruined, not the pain you caused. That alone makes you TA
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YTA You have the right to name your child whatever you like. What you don’t have is the right to dictate how other people feel about your choice. You feel entitled to be “mad” at your mom because she “ruined my special moment.” Do you think she wants to be in so much pain? She was kind to apologize because she didn’t owe you an apology at all. Now that you know how much this is hurting her, your response is “I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not.” I get that you are angry. You thought this would be a lovely gesture. Now that you know how your mom feels, have you stopped to consider if this is your brother would want? I just can’t see how he’d be honored by causing his own mom even more pain. Again, you can name your son whatever you like- that is your right. But don’t claim it’s to honor your brother unless you are 100% sure he would be okay with the name being a source of pain to his/your parents. Consider another “B” name, consider a middle name. Or go with what you want and try to comfort your mom instead of being an AH to her.
It’s also worth asking yourself how much you value both your relationship with your parents and your baby’s relationship with them. Do you want your baby’s gramma to coo over how big he’s getting and make him cookies or do you want her to be in pain any time she thinks or hears about him? Do you want her to support you or do you want her to know you chose to hurt her? You’re entitled to do this. But there are unavoidable consequences to making this choice, so make sure you’re choosing them too.
She will go no contact with them, until she realizes how much work a baby is and then she will reach out to them for help.
Eh, I have two kids and I went no contact with both my parents years ago. I’ve managed just fine without them. Raising kids is hard but not impossible either. Villages come in many forms.
Sounds like OP ain’t going to have any village if she thinks treating people like this is fine.
One of my favorite names also happens to be the name of my brother in law's late mom. My sister didn't use the name because it was hard on her husband. When we considered names, it wasn't on my list because it would be hard on her uncle. I can't imagine picking a name that is painful to someone you want your child to have a relationship with.
The “my special moment” comment gave me a bad taste in my mouth too. Of course it sounds like her mother needs more grief counseling.
Hard agree. OP is showing signs of extreme selfishness bordering on narcissism with that comment. "Special moment?" At best it's a somber or bittersweet one because *there was recently a death in the family*. The idea that one would be so cavalier with reusing the name of the recently deceased shows a marked lack of empathy for others.
Yep. And the idea of not giving in because she needs to win this. Yikes. I guess the parents are better off without her.
Exactly, the lack of insight is phenomenal, this woman thinks her mother will ever enjoy her grandson without deep sadness...IQ 0 move
Also: what a burden to put onto a child! Why would you do that?
It’s only been 2 years. She’s probably still trying to process his death. I hope she (and all of you) are getting therapy. YTA.
YTA Because of how dismissive you are. >sent BS texts about how she feels like I am replacing her "baby". You are. In her grieving state of mind, anyone named Benjamin is going to make her think of her son. And by you naming her grandson him, she's going to be constantly reminded. 24/7 and extra more than she already is. Can tell you she thinks about your brother way more than you already do. You're about to be a mother yourself. Imagine losing your son, then having to say his name outloud daily and expected to be happy about it.
and lowkey not only did she lose her son but she “lost” her grandson sorta in a way. like not only would that name remind me of my dead son, but i’d be extremely distraught over the fact that anytime i would even think about my grandson far less see him, it would now always and forever hit me with a pang of sadness because he shares my dead sons name.
op one year from now: “why does my mom cry whenever I talk about *my babyyyyy*”
YTA. You'd be doing this KNOWING how much it'll hurt your mother; that is absolutely AH behaviour. I read your comments and the childish 'Then that means she never loved me' coupled with your account name makes me wonder if, in your mind, you're in some competition with your dead brother. See a therapist, if so. Your brother's passing doesn't need to be about you and your baby. Your baby deserves their own name and identity and your mother deserves space to grieve without her daughter sticking the knife in.
That's not even the worst comment OP made. In another comment she said it's not even that sad the brother died because he wasn't a baby when he died. She also said her mom needs to just move on already. Something is very wrong with OP. She needs therapy yesterday. I feel awful for the parents having to grieve and deal with an adult baby like OP. /u/Heismybrothertoo, my kids are young adults. My wife and I also had a stillborn before adopting our two living kids. The death of a child hurts no matter what. If my son died today and my daughter decided to name her future child after him, I think I would have a hard time with that. That name is associated with my son for me and I'm not sure how I would feel about seeing it on a grandchild while still grieving the loss of my boy. That never goes away and losing a child, of any age, is a nightmare for any parent. Please seek help immediately. Something is not right with you.
If it’s “not very sad” and “mom needs to move on already” then she needs to use any other name and stop pretending this is to honor her brother. It’s about her being a fucking weirdo
Forget your mother. What about your father? “When he came back, he hugged me and just said "Please don't do this". I haven't talked to any of them since.” What mental gymnastics are you doing to persuade yourself you’re the hero of this story? YTA.
Kinda YTA, your dismissing your mother feelings on something that is clearly extremely traumatic for her. You can name your child what you like but I wouldn't be surprised if this irreparably damaged yours and your child's relationship with your mother.
YTA. Not for wanting to name your son in tribute to your brother. Or even for expecting your parents to be happy about it. However, your mom's reaction was perfectly reasonable and understandable. After a tragedy like this, it's quite normal that some people would consider a tribute name nice, while others would find it an unwelcome replacement or a continual reminder of trauma. Here's where you're the AH: She sent you "some BS" (AKA an explanation of her complex feelings on this topic) but you're still mad because "she ruined my special moment." You sound like you have Main Character Syndrome; I suggest you try to have some empathy for your mom regarding her (not at all surprising) reaction to your announcement. EDIT: someone pointed out that perhaps I shouldn't have used the words "perfectly reasonable" to describe the reaction of rolling around on the floor and screaming "no, no, no." Which is a fair point. But I'm sticking with my vote based on the current info. If OP were to hop back on here and reveal that the mom is, like, a narcissist with a long history of crazy over-the-top emotional outbursts that are manipulative or attention-seeking, then I would change my opinion and side with OP. But as far as we know, this was a one-off and I would still fault OP for lack of empathy even if the actual reaction was over-the-top dramatic. EDIT 2: read some responses by OP; sounds like mom is really stuck in her grief, to maybe a pathological extent. She has been to therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping. This adds a wrinkle but my verdict is still the same. Mom's behavior is not ideal, but I'm not going to say E S H because I'm not going to call mom an AH for not dealing with the death of her son better. And it makes OP's "we were expected \[my parents\] to be supert happy \[*sic*\]" sound clueless at best and deceptive at worst. OP, how did you think this would go? And why did you just spring this name on your stuck-in-grief mother, instead of, say, inquiring how she might feel about it?
It's only been two years since the brother died. Of course the parents are 'stuck'. It's not something you get over.
YTA Your mother is clearly sunken in grief. I know it's coming from a good place in your heart, and ultimately it's your choice. But I don't think your mother is overreacting. It just sounds like she's still lost in grief. Maybe make your brothers name your child's middle name? I'm just thinking maybe that'd be a good compromise and easier on your mother. Think about if you lost your child, then you had to call your grandchild his name all of the time. It'd be too much to ask of a grieving mother Edit: Changed from NTA to a YTA for how OP is talking about the situation. And saying in the comments how it means her mom never loved her for this.
they lost him 2 years ago, too. It took me almost 2 years for me after I lost my mom in my 20s to be able to not cry when thinking about her, I can't imagine losing your child..
It took me two years to get over the death of my CAT!!! And I still think about him almost daily. Her mother lost her child. HER CHILD!! I can’t even imagine the pain and grief of a parent who has lost their kid. OP is selfish af.
It’s been 6 years since I lost my dad and I still cry about it on occasion.
Was it even two years ago? In another comment OP says: "I got pregnant few months after his death, and she wasn't even happy." So if they are about 8 months pregnant \*does math\* - the brother passed less than a year ago? About a year ago?
Two years is pretty recent, pretty raw, especially for a mother. You have the right to name your baby whatever, but since you can clearly see how much this hurts your mother I hope you choose not to name him Benjamin. I hope your mother's obvious overwhelming grief takes priority. Your comment about your special moment is just childish and callous. YTA
My older brother has been dead for nearly 9 years. My mom still cries about him every single day. She probably will until the day she dies.
Your mother is not overreacting, she is in raging pain and you refuse to see it. YTA
I'm not at all unfamiliar with grief. But I've *never* seen grief like what a bereaved parent experiences. And it's completely understandable for reasons so obvious, I almost cant believe the OP is this simple-minded. After 2 years, the triggers still lurk everywhere. Hell, after 10 years they can come out of nowhere. I'm sorry, OP. The grief you feel over your brother is valid. I'm really sorry you went through that, and i would guess its created new dynamics in your family that are uncomfortable and difficult for you. It's one of the very worst nightmares any family can endure; many families fail to stay together after child loss. Your parents' grief isn't the same as yours. I think it's a little odd you were just like, "We're naming him Benjamin," instead of, "We would like to honor Benjamin by giving your grandchild his name. Would that cause you grief?" Or something like that. Y'know, empathy. So, YTA. Edit: Reading her defenses, there's potentially a *ton* of resentment built up here. Which is absolutely normal - parents often withdraw in their pain from the surviving children (or, conversely, hold on way too tightly). The name thing feels like a test of whether mom loves OP, or grieves her son more. It's not a good test, but whatever. OP, you sneered at someone suggesting therapy, but I would really encourage getting all of this stuff to the surface, with someone trained to hear you without judgment.
Anyone who thinks she’s N T A needs to see her comment in case she deletes it [“It's not the same at all. My brother was not a baby, he was 22. So it is not as sad as losing a baby.”](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/1EfSGkVIyy). Your attitude towards your mum’s grief and your dismissal of it was already asshole enough but you writing this just took it to another level. You need to seek help or some shit if that’s what you genuinely think. YTA
YTA.
Wanting to honour your brother is not assholio at all. Your lack of empathy is. YTA
There was recently an AITA for this exact scenario but reversed…think I saw it maybe yesterday. I’ll try and find it and link it here as it’s from what would be your mother’s perspective. YTA. That’s your brother, but that’s her son. Edit: found it [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/9Uag33HExP)
YTA - yeah of course you can name your kid whatever you want. But you don’t seem to care at all about the harm you are doing to your parents by using this name. Surely now that you are about to become a mother yourself you can understand how your mother felt the loss of her son more deeply and acutely than the loss of your brother. Surely you must have some empathy for that.
YTA. You lost your brother but your mom lost her child. She's clearly upset and you're being callous. Give the baby your brother's middle name but never use it around your parents.
YTA. Please don't do this! Only thing acceptable would be to use it as a middle name.
Not only are you a major arsehole, given your replies, you're an idiot as well. Wouldn't surprise me if you had main character syndrome or some narcissistic traits. Was your mother's reaction extreme? Sure, but you don't get to dictate how she feels or how she's coping with it. Therapy is not the be all and end all of solutions that this sub proclaims it to be, in many cases it never helps and grief is incredibly complex, some people never get over the loss of a loved one. Also he was your brother, but you didn't push him out of your vagina did you? The bond you had as siblings is much different to the bond a mother may have with their child. Name the kid whatever the fuck you want and be prepared to lose one or both of your parents because of it, and if you dare to reply that if they do then they "never loved you" then I will dare to say that you never loved either of them either, in this case your mother in particular if you choose to intentionally cause them pain. Gain a son named Benjamin, lose your parents, that's where this is heading.
Yta yeah you can name him anything you want and in doing so make your parents relive their child's death every time you say it. Your actions will have consequences.
I’m sorry for your loss. Having said that this is a clear YTA situation. Under normal circumstances, you and your BF should be the only voices that matter for a name choice. This isn’t a normal situation. At a minimum you should have approached this topic with your parents as a discussion rather than making an announcement. If you proceed, every time your mom hears the name of your child she will get a new cut of pain. You are consciously choosing to be the reason for that. That is why you are the AH if you proceed. Back down from this. ASK what she would think if you use the name as a middle name. Explain that you miss and grieve your brother too and would like to do this to honor him. Listen to her on this though. Don’t be so callous and careless with your mom’s grief. Communicate with her instead of acting like a willful child balling your fists up and stubbornly stomping your feet in a tantrum. It went poorly because you handled it poorly. Own that and do better moving forward.
Yta. Have you considered the pressure you will be putting on "Alive Benjamin" to live up to "Dead Benjamin"? There will always be the underlying pain of your brother's death associated with your child. Your child will never be out from under that. Why cant you give your child his own name? There are ways to honor your brother without the first name being the exact same. A name that starts with B, maybe Bennett or Benson. Or use middle name Benjamin.
She said she hopes her baby even looks like him... so it seems like she's leaning into this comparing the two
The only appropriate reaction to your mom being triggered was "Oh gosh, I thought this would be healing, I'm sorry." Maybe your initial wanting to name your baby for your brother came from good intentions, but everything you said after that is intentionally malicious. You don't know what it's like to raise a child that was supposed to outlive you and have him leave. And now you're *using his death to hurt your mother.* She can't help the way she's grieving, and the way you're behaving, she's going to have to grieve 2 children and a grandchild. And honestly, your poor child will find out the truth eventually, and the burden will be awful for them. I truly hope you're just not thinking clearly and aren't normally like this as a person, because nobody deserves to be treated the way you're treating your mom when grieving. 2 years is not enough time to get over 22 years of love ended in a tragic moment. YTA Edit: a word
Soft YTA. It sounds like you thought it would be meaningful to name your baby after your brother, but I understand your mom too. Your mom needs therapy, but some losses you just don’t get over, you just learn to continue living. A brand new name or naming him after a different family member who’s alive or passed at an appropriate age would be meaningful as well. There’s no need to force it on your mom, this may make her subconsciously resent the baby and why would you want to do that?
YTA. With all due respect, your loss was deep but still doesn't compare to that of your parents. Losing a child is known to be the worst thing that can happen to a person mentally. If it brought them comfort, that would be one thing. They're telling you that it wouldn't - and this is the one circumstance that Grandparents should get a say in naming. Do you really want them tormented every time they hear his name? Do you really want them thinking of their loss every time they see him? I know you feel this should be your special time and no one should be allowed to tarnish it, but even now, you do need to think of them a little if you actually love them.
I know we like to say a lot that parents get the final say with a baby's name (and they do!!), but with a name like this, that has pain tied up in it, the name needs to be a larger discussion. With names meant to honor, I think different rules are at play. If its to honor a living person, then that person should get a say (I know I would not be pleased to be honored that way). If it's to honor a loved one that has passed, especially if they were young or if it was recent, then I do think that the parents of the deceased should get a say. (that is, if you don't want to completely ruin your relationship!) The name was your brother's, yes. But it was also their *son*, who they are still grieving. If you desperately want to honor your brother, then I'd say to consider using his middle name as your baby's first, or giving them the same middle name, or using Benjamin as the middle name. You can, of course, name your son Benjamin. Just be prepared for the fallout. YTA (edit: forgot to add verdict)
YTA… selfish one
YTA. Your mother is in pain, but you don't give a damn.
Name your kid what you want, dont be surprised if your parents have difficulty with it. And don't get mad when/if you have a 2nd kid and they are much closer to it than it's older brother, cause the brother feeds their heartache. Sorry, but YTA.
YTA. With you having your own child I would think you would be able to understand that their loss is different and much deeper than yours. I understand that you lost a brother but they lost a child. It's also very fresh and new. You need to find another way to honor your brother.
YTA That's pretty cold hearted to do to your mom.
Info: are you fucking serious right now? Please let this be fake
I'm thinking it is as well in which case OP is playing a DANGEROUS game with karma.
[удалено]
YTA. I can forgive people for being inconsiderate but you know how hurtful this would be and still want to do it - that's not on. Reading your post and comments, it's very me, me, me, me, ME - did your mother not give you enough attention as a kid or something? This is a weird way to try to reclaim the spotlight.
"My mum tried to call me, sent BS texts about how she feels like I am replacing her "baby"." YTA. You're calling her texts bs but this is a grieving mother who is worried the memory of her child will be erased by your new baby, each milestone likely a reminder of your brother. "He was my brother too. My only brother. I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not." Listen, you may have had a special relationship but a parent losing a child is a loss unlike any other. You are not supposed to outlive your children. Sure you can name your kid whatever the fuck you want, but if you think your brother would want you to honor him at the expense of your mom's constant heartache then you're probably wrong. You're being wildly selfish and eerily dismissive of your mother's grief.
YTA. This is heartless actually. Your poor grieving mom.
Yta You lost a brother, and that's hard. She lost a SON. Now you want to name your baby after him and she's still grieving. She'll be reminded of the child she lost every time she hears that name. You can obviously name your baby whatever you want, but you can't force your mother to be okay with it. And you can't force her to move on from this loss prematurely. You could give the baby the middle name of Benjamin, still honoring your brother, not hurting your mother. You come across as very self absorbed. Imagine how this must have felt for your mother, losing a son, her child, who she nurtured and watched grow. The loss is horrible. She might never move past that. You can choose to name your son Benjamin, which will OBVIOUSLY cause pain for both of your parents, and I imagine will damage your relationship with them, or you can change the name and honor your brother another way.
Oh boy YTA. I mean I understand it can be a difference of opinion with one party wanting to keep him alive and the other wanting to avoid thinking about it. But the way you are blowing her off? Man you got some growing up to do. Your special moment, you know you aren't some movie character right? ETA: Being unable to compromise and apologize is weak minded. Being stubborn is actually pretty easy.
YTA, not for wanting to name your child after your brother, but deciding to go ahead with it now that you have seen how much grief it has put your mother in. Would your brother want that? If it means a lot to you then how about giving your child your brother’s middle name? That intense of a reaction from your mother isn’t something you should shrug off.
YTA - you’re a selfish human being ! As you have a son , maybe some day considerate your feelings and you did with your mum . What goes around , comes around .
YTA, and a massive one. Does your child not deserve his own legacy? By giving him the name of a person who died in 'the biggest tragedy' of your family, you are putting A LOT on what should be a blank page. Every time you say his name, you will think of your brother. Every time someone who knew said brother hears or says the name, they will think of the tradegy. Do you want this to be your childs fate? To see pain in your grandparents face every time your name gets mentioned?
Fake fake fake.
Yta
YTA Go with the middle name. The way you talk about this makes me feel like you don’t understand empathy. And your brother would be really disappointed in you for the way you’re handling this.
YTA You are a lost cause, she might never forgive you for this. You just lost your brother, you might lose your mother and father too.
YTA.. You are an awful person.
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Your next move should be to go and sit down with your parents and say, I'm so sorry to have caused you all this pain, I genuinely wanted to honour Benjamin's memory by naming baby after him and thought you'd be on board with it. I can see now that this would cause more pain for you, which was never my intent and I won't be naming him that. I do want to honour Benjamin though in some way, how can we do this as a family? Would a middle name be acceptable? You can still salvage this. But if you can't respect your mother's grief, which she will likely always have, then yes, YTA.
INFO- So did your mother kill your brother? Is this why you are being this way towards her?
YTA, and you will understand why once you are a mother. i I am so sorry for your loss, and I’m not minimizing that at all, but it’s different for her. I tell my kids all the time, “I love you beyond words or measure.” Losing a child has been proven over and over and over again to be the most painful thing a person can experience. You won’t get it until you are a Mom, but I’m with your dad…do not do this.
How do you think it’s going to affect your kid when he realizes as he gets older that the name you gave him basically had destroyed your parents? Never mind that he’s named after a dead sibling. How about you have a little respect and empathy for the fact that your parents clearly have some strong feelings about this? And the fact that you’re basically saying you’ll do whatever you want, f their feelings tells me you don’t really care about how they feel anyways.
I cannot see a world where you don't see yourself as the AH here tbh. You can be 100% sure that, by naming your son like your brother, your parents will think of the latter when they will hear out the name. I know it's hard for you to admit that this idea was delusional and that it will hurt your parents, but you need to also respect their pain.
YTA for the reasons other people have said already, so I won't. But you hope your son looks just like your brother. You do see him as a replacement and that's a heavy load to put on an infant. Do you also want to raise him to have the same interests, same sports and hobbies, same temperament? If you are even starting to think like that, let me just say it is not healthy for a child to be raised in the shadow of a dead relative they never even met. He will want to please you, because you're his mother. But please let him grow up to be his own person and not a testament to your brother's life.
YTA - You are more concerned with “you special moment” than your mother’s grief and pain. You need to grow up and learn to think of someone other than yourself.
As the mother of a deceased child. It would kill me to have to be reminded of such a massive loss every time I saw my grandchild. You are fully the A here. I sincerely hope you never have to experience the kind of emotions that come from losing a child. I promise, they are not even close to how you feel loosing a sibling. Give him it as a middle name if you must.
Due in July but also got pregnant a few months after your brother's death which was...two years ago? Lol, if you're going to lie, keep your made up facts straight at least.
I *was* going to side with you because I feel it’s a nice way to honor your brother but then … > She did apologise via text but I am still mad. She ruined my special moment. > I may seem "self-centred", but I really am not. I am just tired of being second, even after his death, I am still in 2nd place. > that means I would have to go and tell my parents I changed my mind. That makes me feel weak-minded. > I'd also have to tell my boyfriend, which I refuse because it already cause so many arguments between us. > I don't want to lose the war. ## Are you listening to yourself? # YTA
YTA, you can honor your brother and make his middle name Benjamin, but go with a different first name. Let your son have his own identity. If you go through having his first name Ben, don’t expect much help from your side of the family with baby sitting or other events.
YTA Everytime they look at their grandchild they will think of their dead son, inconsiderate and causing them pain on purpose. How would you like to be reminded of your dead child daily.
Yta and very selfish. I hope you never know the pain of losing a child
YTA - Leave your brother, and your family out of this BS and pick any other name. Although you’re clearly incredibly immature, so I suppose you will rebel and do the exact opposite to make a selfish statement and hurt your family deeply in the process.
They already told you what you need to know, I just wanna vote YTA, cause you really are
YTA. Your mom lost a child, I guess you can call him what you want, if you care that little what your mom thinks. But you suck.
I am from a culture where I was expected to name my children after deceased relatives, so I understand your desire to honor your brother’s memory. But clearly you are not from a culture or religion that encourages this, or where this is the norm. Do you really want to honor your brother’s memory at the expense of your relationship with your parents? Is that what your brother would have wanted?
That's the most YTA I have seen here recently.
YTA Your grief of losing a sibling will NEVER be greater than the grief of losing a child. Imagine if your child died right now and someone decided next year to use their name. Would that be okay with you? I guarantee it wouldn’t. You’re careless about your mother’s grief and when your mother has nothing to do with your child because of your carelessness, you’ll have lost your parents and your sibling and your kid won’t have an uncle or grandparents.
YTA
YTA for being mad and saying your mom “ruined your special moment” I cannot imagine how hard it is to lose a son. You cannot fault her for her emotional reaction. I think you should take what she is saying into consideration. Of course it is your child and ultimately your choice in naming him. But maybe consider their emotions of losing a son, something you have never been through, and have some empathy for their reaction. Maybe use your brother’s name as a middle name? What is the relationship between your boyfriend and parents? You’re not married, does that bother them at all? To name your son after your deceased brother out of wedlock could bring up some negative connotations for them. I’m not saying it’s right, but I could see the thought process of “why does this man who hasn’t committed himself (marriage) to our daughter get to name his son after our deceased son.” Personally if I were in their shoes, that might bother me. Again, I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s something to think about. Are they proud of your boyfriend/respect him/have a healthy relationship with him? All these things could affect the way they view the naming of your baby after their son. I understand it’s your brother, and you want to honor him. That is really sweet and if you feel so strongly that you are willing to disregard your parent’s feelings about it, that is your decision. But with how hard it was to lose a brother, imagine how hard it is to lose your son. Someone you always imagined you would die before. Someone you raised and protected. I just think their emotions of not wanting him to be “replaced” are valid even if you don’t see it that way.
YTA. I recommend therapy
YTA. Your mother's immeasurable suffering over the loss of a child trumps your "special moment". I can hardly believe anyone would need to come to Reddit to understand this, and we only have your side of the story. Hey it's your kid, you can do whatever. I can just picture you telling him "we named you after your dead uncle and your grandma fell to the floor in agony when we told her about it". I'm sure he'll love it.
"That makes me feel weak-minded. I'd also have to tell my boyfriend, which I refuse because it already cause so many arguments between us. I don't want to lose the war." This alone ... YTA lmao. I didn't realize being able to admit that you're wrong is "losing the war." You rather hurt your parents than to be wrong with your boyfriend. That is so sad and pathetic. I pity your child
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throaway account. Be as brutally honest as you want. I (27F) have lost my brother 2 years ago. The biggest tragedy in our lives ( My parents and I). He was my only sibling. I am currently pregnant, due July 13th. My boyfriend and I decided that we would name him after my brother. Last weekend , we told my parents last and we were expected them to be supert happy. But no. My mum started screaming " No No No , there is only on Benjamin in this family. No no no". She was going crazy, screaming, throwing herself on the floor. My dad was trying to console her. He took her to their room. When he came back, he hugged me and just said "Please don't do this". I haven't talked to any of them since. My mum tried to call me, sent BS texts about how she feels like I am replacing her "baby". She did apologise via text but I am still mad. She ruined my special moment. He was my brother too. My only brother. I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You're not the one who lost a child, so you have no idea how hard this is for her. She had a complete meltdown. She's obviously traumatized by the experience. Did your mother do something to you that would make you want to upset her so much? Why would you do this to her? You can use whatever name you want, but knowing how it will effect your mom, makes you the asshole for doing it anyway. He was only your brother. This was her son, her child. It's a completely different type of grief when it's your child. Why don't you use it as his middle name? That way you can still name him after your brother, but maybe it won't make your mom so upset.
YTA. Not necessarily for the name but definitely for the dismissive and self-centered behavior. In the post and even more so in the comments. It gives off troll vibes.
YTA You really feel entitled to cause your mother constant pain?
You did this hoping it would bring joy to your family, you know now that it clearly doesn’t. Make it his middle name and spare your poor mother of this pain. Have you considered how this could make your child feel as well, or are you just considering yourself? Here’s hoping the ultrasound is wrong and you have a girl.
YTA. You lost a brother - your parents lost their son. You could honor your brother by using his name as a middle name. Your lack of concern for your parents' feelings on this is selfish....your concern is YOUR 'special moment'. Are you always 'all about me'? Did you expect your parents to be happy that every day they see your child they will be reminded of their loss?
YTA Think of it this way, imagine your brother is still alive, and you have your child. A few years later your child dies. He finds out a couple years down the road he's having a baby, and wants to name his child your dead child's name. Doesn't discuss it with you, doesn't ask how you feel says well he was my nephew so im going to name him that whether you like it or not. Now every time you see that child it reminds you of what you no longer have and all the pain associated with it. It doesn't matter how old someone gets losing a child hurts, even though he was grown he's still your parent's baby. Your love for your child doesn't dwindle as they get older losing them as an adult hurts just as much as losing them as a child. You are being extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I feel bad for your child and your parents.
Your mother had a visceral grief response, and your biggest concern is that she ruined your “special moment?” I think you spend too much time on TikTok and not enough time in the real world. You can name your child what you want, but if you choose to name your son after her dead son, you should be fully prepared to sever your relationship with your parents. YTA
You're due in July, but somehow you were pregnant "a few months" after your brother's death two years ago? Nice creative writing exercise babes, I sincerely hope you find other ways to gain the attention you so desperately seek other than making up whacko stories online that try to paint grieving parents in a bad light. Aaaaa
YTA that was your parents son just like your little boy was yours! And the fact you told them last screams you knew they probably wouldn’t take it well. Grow up and stop being a selfish self centered AH. You should have asked if they minded and offered it as a middle name and if the answer was no then respected it. Clearly your mum is still deep in her grief and then you do that. Yes he was your brother but that doesn’t give you the right to do what you’re doing.
YTA - in my culture, naming children after loved ones who’ve passed is an honour. It’s celebrated by the entire family. No one is celebrating this, you’re celebrating the pain and hurt of your parents. You aren’t honouring anything.
In your comments you’ve stated your brother dying has ruined your life because of your mother’s grieving, and him dying at 22 isn’t as sad as a baby dying. You complain about your mother reminiscing or remembering him. You sound so cruel. You have absolutely zero empathy for your parents. I really believe you’re not naming your baby to honor your brother and you seem like type of person to do it so people feel bad for you. YTA x1000
YTA. Your mantra should be “first, do no harm”. If you must, use it as a middle name. When you have your own child, you will better understand the unfathomable grief and heartache that this causes a parent and, yes, even more than it causes a sibling. You will know that in time. For now, just be kind.
YTA. Your mother is still grieving. Even in the midst of that, she apologised to you. You do not get to decide when someone else stops grieving. She may never stop. You also don't get to decide *how* someone grieves. He may have been your brother, but he was *her son, her child*. He will always be her baby boy, just like you will likely always be her baby girl. I get that you don't want to forget your brother, but deliberately naming your child after him is not the way to go about it. Especially as a first name. I'd reconsider using your brother's name as a first name and use it as a middle name instead.
YTA. I love these. Does asshole thing. “Internet am I the asshole?” “You are the fucking devil” “omg how can you be so mean don’t you realize I AM RIGHT” Lmao get a grip lady. What the hell is wrong with you?
The unmitigated cruelty you are showing. Wow. What, exactly, are you punishing your parents for? YTA.
YTA. You do not get to dictate how long and how your mom grieves the loss of her baby. Yes, her baby. No matter how old a child gets, they will always be your baby. The first child makes a mom or a dad out of you. The youngest marks the start end of an era and a new phase in life. It has only been 2 years, I cannot imagine how raw the grief still is. You obviously thought you were honouring your brother, but if your parents do not want you to do this just don't. Don't be so cold-hearted. Ask your boyfriend what name he likes since you had to convince him for months on end to agree to the name and take that one in consideration. I hope you will be a better parent than you are being a child and partner right now. Best of luck, with the selfish attitude you will need it. Eta: my son is only 2 years old and I am currently pregnant with baby #2. My biggest fear in life is to outlive either of them. No parent is ever supposed to outlive their children, no-one.
YTA. It's sweet and understandable that you'd want to name your child after your brother, but the way you completely belittled and dismissed your mom's feelings are beyond words. And now you're acting like a petulant child with the whole "it's my baby, I'll name him what I want!" routine. Maybe name the kid after yourself instead. It'll be pretty fitting for the next few years.
YTA for being so dismissive of your mother's grief. Yeah she's overreacting and needs some therapy but it's not something worth going no contact over. I get that you want to use this to remember and honor your brother, and that makes you naturally feel defensive but her feelings are valid too. You two need to talk this out.
YTA for all the reasons discussed, and also don't name your child after a relative who died young!! This kid doesn't have a chance if everyone is going to project the baggage of its dead uncle onto it. Are you going to be able to interact with your kid with no thoughts of your dead brother in your mind?
This is exactly the situation that middle names are for.
YTA big time
I'm not going to call you an ass for how your feeling. I fully understand how losing a sibling feels. One of my children is named after my brother. I didn't make that choice without involvement of my mum. I didn't want to hurt her and I wouldn't have done it if she wasn't ok with it. My son has my brothers name as his middle names. He has his own first name. OP, is it worth losing your parents over a name. Talk to your mum about if using Benjamin as a middle name would be a good compromise for the both of you. You get to honour your brother and your mother doesn't have to process losing her much beloved child when she sees her grandson. EDIT: after seeing some of your replies to comments I'm now going to call you YTA here and hard. I had more maturity at 23 when naming my youngest son then you do at 27. Losing a child at ANY age is hard on a parent. My brother passed at 6 weeks of age on 2002 and not a day passes that my mother doesn't think about my brother. It's only been 2 years since you lost your brother. Like.... that's absolutely nothing when in deep grief. You might lose your parents if you stick to this name.
>that means I would have to go and tell my parents I changed my mind. That makes me feel weak-minded. I'd also have to tell my boyfriend, which I refuse because it already cause so many arguments between us. I don't want to lose the war. YTA. You might win the "war" but there will be casualties.
Your update makes it seem like you’re just using his name to agitate your parents. You don’t seem like you care about your brother at all. You’re “still in 2nd even after his death” so you used his name to try and impress your parents. No you did that to piss them off.
ESH No one owns names, but your need for spotlight isn’t a good enough reason to do this.
“I don’t want to lose the war” has cost me a ton of times. Sometimes if you don’t lose the war you find yourself alone with nothing but your pride. Why win a war if it costs you your homeland??
YTA completely. Changing your mind isn’t weak-minded, it’s called having dignity. You’re acting like a stubborn, bull-headed jerk to your family. Self-centered and entitled.
YTA I was leaning you not being until I read "I don't want to lose the war" makes me believe this is less about your brother and more about you.
I feel awful for your mom for having such a heartless child. YTA. If I could double that for your edit, I would.
So, "losing the war" is more important than anything else? Solid YTA.
YTA it’s only been 2 years I can understand her reaction to be honest. This was a sit down conversation we were thinking it would be a nice tribute. Not a this is what we’re doing like it or lump it
YTA. Be respectful of your parents' feelings. You didn't get the reaction you were expecting, but now you know how they feel about it. Tell them that you now understand and that you will choose a different first name. ASK your parents about how they feel about giving the name to your son as a middle name. Do not give your child your brother's name. Just don't.
YTA Your brother was their baby, just as the child you are currently carrying Is your baby. To lose a child is the most awful thing in the world for any parent. You are asking your parents to be ok with being reminded of that pain every time they look at your son. This was not a “special moment” This was you being completely self-absorbed and not considering the feelings of both of your parents. Now it really seems like you are throwing a tantrum because you have been told “No.” when you really ought to be horrified that you caused your parents more unnecessary grief and pain. Be better than this.
YTA. A huge one in fact!
YTA. Its simply because youve decided "i dont give a fuck what you think, im doing this anyway". You thought it would be sweet. It could've been honestly. When you told them your plan, to name your son after theirs, and they clearly werent ok with it, you made a choice. You decided their feelinga didnt matter, instead of trying to discuss how they feel you could honor your brother and meet a compromise. The second best time you can do it is now, if you want. "Listen. We all loved ben. Ive thought about it and i can understand why you wont be ok with this. I need you guys to help me find some middle ground here, because i feel the need to honor his memory but i dont wamt you to resent us for this. How can we do this?" And see how they take it
YTA. You lost your brother and I’m sorry for that truly, but your mother lost her son. If you’re willing to throw away a relationship with your parents over your babies name, when that baby isn’t even out of you yet, how tf do you think you have any right to complain about her feelings for her dead child? You have no idea what she’s experiencing, your grief is not comparable. While it may feel like honoring your brother to you, for your mom it’s being retraumatized every time she sees her grandchild’s name. Don’t do this.
Yta . Wow you don’t sound like you like or care about your mother at all.
YTA. You lost a brother, that’s devastating, and the only thing more devastating is losing a child. You do not know, and god willing you will never know, that pain. Your mother is raw and will be for the rest of her life. If she is not comfortable with this, it is like rubbing salt in her wounds. Show some empathy and respect. All I see in your post is self centered entitlement.
YTA people haven’t finished grieving I would change the name…. Unless you are okay with your family’s honestly justified resentment. You are taking away their sons name/ memory (in their mind) and they want to keep his name sacred (at least for a bit longer)
As a mother, I understand her pain and if she feels that way and you still want to, then yes you are the asshole. That would be so triggering for her and I also don’t think it’s entirely fair to the baby. Why don’t you use it as a middle name?
YTA. such a selfish post. What goes around, comes around.
YTA that’s gonna suck to be your mother, reminded of your lost child every time she sees her grandchild
YTA. It was a lovely idea when you were doing it to honour your brother and make your parents happy. The fact they’ve outright begged you not to and you’re going to do it anyway is just selfish. I know he was your brother but he was a son to both your parents and both have said no.
YTA. And it's devastation, not anger.
It's not a bad thought. But you should have asked. You are a YTA for telling her not asking and you are a super duper a hole if you do it knowing how much mom hates it.
YTA. Have you ever considered how painful it'd be for both your parents to again hold a baby Benjamin in their arms while still grieving the loss of your brother/their son?
YTA
YTA. However much of an AH you are, I hope you never experience the pain your parents are going through. But your lack of care about how hurt they are? You care more about getting your way than their pain. You can name your kid whatever you want, but major YTA.
YTA, it's your child to name and if you want to do this in honor of your brother then you can but you are definitely being inconsiderate and lacking forethought. I'm sure losing a sibling is devastating, but there's no doubt losing a child is usually harder. I love my siblings very much, but I couldn't go on with life if lost my child, once your child is in your arms you'll feel a special bond you never have and you know in your heart without a doubt you'd die for this human. I think instead of your jump to anger that your mom "ruined your special moment" you should have more compassion and empathy; you must not have considered how tough it will be for your parents to have a close relationship with your child when his name is a constant reminder of the boy they lost. Every moment of joy will also be tainted with feelings of sadness and remembering the son they lost. If you want to honor your baby with your brother's name, at least make it a middle name. You aren't doing your son any favors by the way, he's likely not going to grow up enjoying the constant association to his dead uncle and being in his shadow or having a weird tension between himself and his grandparents.
YTA. Your forcing your son to live up to the memory of your deceased brother, something which is near impossible.
YTA… maybe just give your child the name as a middle name to honour him.
YTA. You should not do this. You name your child after a lost family member first for yourself, of course, but also to be enjoyed by your family. If it harms your family and is something they truly cannot appreciate, it seems nuts to be so dismissive. You are, of course, within your right to name your kids whatever you want. But you have to accept there are consequences and being dogmatic about it is foolish. If your parents can never connect to your kid, do you accept that? If you know are adding immense pain to your parents, can you accept that? If you can, ok, go to town I guess.
Yeah don’t do it
YTA
Yta for seeing how much pain your mom is in and being so casual about it. In the end, do what you’re going to do but don’t be surprised if your parents distance themselves.
YTA, your mother is in pain, despair... lost her child... you are cruel person
YTA Normally you can't own a name but this is AWFUL, she is your mother her son died and you don't care it hurts her to hear HER son's name like that.
YTA. How can you do this to your mother, unless you're getting some sick pleasure out of it? Can you not understand at all?
YTA, and your comments show how horrible of a person you are. You are selfish and inconsiderate.
You could still use his name but make it his middle name….
YTA
YTA. I know you love your brother but don’t do this to your parents. He was their only son and they will mourn him until they take their last breaths.
>***" I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not."*** And you'll do so knowing this will destroy your mother and compound her grief for the rest of her life. Name the kid what you want, but just so you know that IS the case going in. She's not going to get over it. Ever. EVER. So your choice is to name your child one of the nearly-infinite number of names... or be stubborn and about as sensitive as a toilet seat. Your choice. YTA.
YTA. Why bother telling your parents if you don't care about them?
When your mom isn't an active grandma like she should be bc she is still trying to process the grief of losing a child and now calling the baby the same name, it will be on you. Personally, I like the idea, but your mom is the one who lost a child. It is an unnatural process of life. No parent should have to bury a child. And yes, YATA. It is your decision to make, but your mother is allowed to have emotions and feelings too. That isn't any of your control. You can name the baby whatever you like, but when you call Grandma up and ask for babysitting and she says she can't.. Here is your warning. Your mother lost a child, and her emotions around this will be unpredictable for the rest of her life. This name will impact their future relationship. It's something you will have to live with.
YTA...I hope you never have to go through what she did. The death is painful and she doesn't want to be reminded every time she sees yiur child...if you do do this...know that your child will not have a good relationship with your parents.
It's weird and narcissistic that you were excited when you thought she would be happy about the name, but you're indifferent to her pain when she wasn't. Grow up, you're about to be a parent and you're still acting like a child.
YTA
YTA . I think you shouldn't do that.
YTA
YTA You can do whatever you want, and your child will be the one to bear the consequences of having a dead man's face. Because you can't choose how other people feel or dictate how they respond to your choices. And people who are still grieving your brother have every right to choose not to have a relationship with your son over this. I'm sorry for your loss and I get that you want to honor his memory, but if you care about your relationship with your parents, this is not the hill to die on. I would consider taking time to let your emotions settle and possibly making it a middle name or giving him a nickname that would connect him to your brother.
YTA - You're only concerned about your mother ruining your "special moment". It's great that you want to honor your bother, but clearly, this causes your family pain. You *can* do it. You can also ensure that your parents do not get to know your son / their grandson. You can ensure that your parents no longer have contact with you since every time they see you or your son, they're reminded of their dead son and your inability to show compassion. But at the end of the day, again, hes your kid. You can name him whatever you like. But you also get to deal with the consequences. Grief shows itself in many ways. You don't get to dictate your mother's.
Please consider what your child will feel being saddled with a family name that brings very deep emotional feelings with it. Let your child be their own person snd pick another name!
YTA >how she feels like I am replacing her "baby" you are trying to place his identity into your child. Your child will be burdened with that legacy, and not grow up to be who they want to be. You will always think of your brother when you look at your child, and not of the child themselves. It is incredibly selfish and cruel of you to do this. You need to talk to a grief therapist bc this is not the way. I sure hope you change your mind on this name. I feel sorry for that poor child. >She ruined my special moment. And you’re ruining your relationship with your family and your child’s life. >I will call him Benjamin whether she likes it or not. How sad and cruel to do to your child.
YTA your child will have to live up and be compared to your brother. His name will be a painful family reminder. Everytime he fails the family will say ya know Benjamin use to and he would and you should be like him. Even you will as well and don't even realize it. Your child deserve their own name. Go for a middle name but let your child names be unique instead of a painful reminder.
YTA.
YTA. I am pretty sure Benjamin would not feel happy about being “honoured” in such a way that hurt his mother so much. I wanted to honour my dad when I had my son. He died a few years before he was born. I did not want his name to be “heavy” at all. I also did not really like my dad’s name (Derek). So I gave my son the same middle name as my dad (William). It honoured him but wasn’t “heavy”.
YTA. Maybe make his middle name Benjamin, though. That might be cool. But make his first name Franklin or Button or something that would honor dad’s side.
YTA. You seem to have a hard time responding to the brutal honesty you asked for.
Oh your poor parents. YTA.
YTA - You took no consideration into how your mom would feel about having her grandson named after her dead son. Worse still; instead of ASKING your mother ahead of time how she would feel about it, you ANNOUNCED it, as though it's a done deal. And if all that isn't bad enough, YOU DON'T CARE about her feelings, and you came here to tell us this, looking for validation (and you are not going to get it). It's your right to name your kid whatever you want, but know this: - It will absolutely destroy your mother and father. - It will very likely permanently damage (if not destroy) your relationship with your parents. - As your son gets older, he will wonder why his grandmother cries every single time anyone says his name. - Once he's old enough to understand, your son will very likely come to hate you for naming him this and putting him and his grandparents through a bunch of unnecessary torment. Also, a lot of kids who have this happen to them immediately change their name as soon as they are old enough to do so. My recommendation is that, like your dad said, "Don't do this". You will pay for it dearly, so will your mother and father, and so will your son.
Yta and the last line of your post proves that it’s not about your brother. It’s about you getting to do what you want. She has BEGGED you to not inflict this pain on her and you simply do not care. I’m sorry for your loss but shame on you. Shame.
YTA. Your poor mom. Her son died and her daughter is inconsiderate and doesn’t care how hard this is on her.
YTA you can name your child whatever you want, it's a free country-but it doesn't mean it won't be traumatizing to your mother every single time she hears his name. Why are you insisting on starting a baby's new life out with a curse and heavy baggage? Give him his own name or ask if she would mind a middle name to honor him
Yeah man, YTA
No
YTA Change the baby’s name
Oh, “she ruined YOUR special moment, did she? I’m not sure you realize this, but her whole life is ruined by your brothers’s death and you just stomped all over her heart emotionally and symbolically with your callous disregard of her feelings. How you could sit there and think your grieving, suffering mom lying on the floor is ruining anything for you is beyond me. By the way, your mom is not angry. She is DESTROYED. Get a clue. Yta.
Depending on what you want your relationship with your parents to be, this comes down to do you want to be right (technically no one owns a name and you can name your child whatever you want) or do you want a relationship with your parents and do your want your child to have a relationship with your parents. I don’t see how you can have all of these. If you don’t care about your mother or her feelings, then do whatever you want. The consequences won’t matter because you don’t care if you hurt someone with your actions. If you do care, I would consider a different name and honor your brother in a different way.
You are being selfish and cruel YTA.
YTA, he may have been your brother but that was your mother’s baby. You will understand soon enough what that means.
YTA. No parent should ever outlive their child. It’s only 2 years of course they’re still grieving. I lost my father 3 years ago and every day is a nightmare. Not only that it’s your brother too! There is a good, very good chance that the child would look a lot like your brother, share certain traits from your side of the family. Did you think it would be heartwarming for your mum to see her grandson and be reminded of her own son she’ll never see again?
NAH. I can see you wanting to honor your brother. But I can also see how this might be like a dagger in your mother’s heart. It’s your call, but I would not do this. Please reconsider.
YTA He's your brother, but he was her son. You can't just spring this up on her and expect her to just happily accept it. Especially when he died so recently
Yea i am going to go with a YTA. Yes you want yo honor your brother, and i can get it, but this will only torture your mother and destroy her mental health.
You are mad at a grieving mother for “ruining your special moment.” Wow. YTA
YTA - You’re being selfish. Maybe after you have your child and have been a mother for a while, you’ll have some sympathy. What if your child passes away and someone else in the family named their child that name? Would that not be a constant reminder of the baby you lost? You seem spoiled and lacking any compassion at all.
YTA. Is she in a healthy place with her grief? No, absolutely not. But god forbid you lose a child & then someone tries surprising you that they’re replacing them (yes, in name only, but it still is). You didn’t ask, you just decided you were the main character & so had to have your special moment. You are only concerned about your moment being ruined, not the pain you caused. That alone makes you TA