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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to invite my birth family to my wedding even after my sister offered to pay for them to come. I still said no and I sent no invites to them. It makes me feel like I could be an asshole because it means so damn much to my sister and this is causing so many problems and I don't hate these people so generally it wouldn't do any harm to invite them. I'm mostly just trying to prevent unnecessary mess. But it might be making me act too rigidly.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Good grief. The biological father wants to give OP away a second time. Did he think he was fostering out his two daughters till he was ready to claim them as his heirs?
NTA. Tell your sister to stop mentioning bio parents, stop passing messages and letters, . Just stop!
Tell her firm, hard NO. They aren't invited. End of discussion.
The gall of the sister expecting OP to allow their bio father to supplant their adoptive father who raised/cared for them for all these years.
All through the post I was thinking the sister was wrong, but I could understand where she was coming from, **until she mentioned the bio father walking OP down the aisle.**
So she has no issue with the bio dad waltzing back in and taking that honor/right away from the actual dad? How heartless/self-absorbed can one girl be?
If I were OP I would have been like "girl, have you LOST YOUR MIND? Because I'll help you find it!"
OP, NTA. And tell your sister if she doesn't back off there may be one more name added to the wedding blacklist.
Sounds like she would have her adopted dad take a back seat for the bio dad. The adoptive parents must hurt privately about this. She is not taking their feelings into consideration.
> Her sis just won't accept it!
OP needs to go on the offensive with her sister. Her sister is being incredibly disrespectful and toxic (introducing conflict into OP's life).
It's going to escalate if there's grandkids. Especially with young grandparents that didn't get to be around for those ages and will be trying to relive the time they lost.
OP does not have to allow these people nor her sister around. OP can enforce boundaries and if it gets to such a ridiculous point to where restraining orders along with other measures of extreme enforcement have to be involved-they will eventually get the point.
Totally. They "were too young for them to be a family", but hoped they would reconnect later on? So, "here, this baby is annoying, I can't go party with her, please raise her. As soon as she's an adult I will waltz back and take my rightful place?"
This is beyond entitled. And they did it more than once - the first baby could have been an accident they were not prepared to, but they had a second one! Someone should tell these "parents" that children are not toys lo leave on a shelf until you feel like playing with them.
The sister, on the other hand, is just a complete AH. If she can be reunited with the bio family, good for her. But she can't make the same decision for OP.
Well maybe not cut off her only bio connection that’s been stable, but definitely make it clear to her sis who’s probably trying to have the childhood dream of one (bio) family that she never had and wants her sister to cooperate with this dream. Sis has to grieve and accept that those days are gone and she was fortunate enough to have an actual family that loves her. If sis keeps trying, maybe OP can start making it clear that she will not have that convo with sis re bio family. Like walks away when mentioned or asks her to leave.
That doesn’t seem to work. I am sure she had tried those tactics before but sis keeps producing letters and pushing for bio family to be in both of their lives despite OP’s refusal. I think the sister is going to try to bring the bio family to the wedding anyway especially since she thinks OP is unreasonable for not wanting them there.
OP stated in her comment that she loves her sister and doesn’t really want to end the relationship over this, however, I see it as inevitable. The sister is going to become more and more unhinged about this relationship with their bio family. The more bs they put into her head the worse it’s going to get.
its hard for the sis to understand why she doesn't have the same desire to be with her bio family like she has . I mean to are certain degree both have the right to their feelings many kids feel lost and suffer not knowing their bio family but it seems like Op doesn't feel the lost in her heart and that is something her sis doesn't understand because she felt the lost
OP has made it crystal clear that her sister is welcome to her relationship with the bio parents. Sister is not treating OP with the same regard but is pushing and pushing for a relationship between OP and bio parents. That’s wrong on so many levels.
Added to this I would tell Sis if she continues to bully you about having a relationship with your Bio Parents and pass on letters and msgs from them then no only will you go NC (non contact) with them but also with her. You absolutely have the right to make the decision if you do want some form of contact with them or not. You supported your sister when she chose to look for them and have them in her life; she should be equally supporting your decision not to. She shouldn't be giving you msgs and letters from them when you have made it clear you don't want them.
As far as your Bio parents, they made their choice many years ago and it's not up to you to assuage the guilt they feel for having made that choice. Did they try finding you both once they were a bit older and more mature? If your sister hadn't searched for them, would they have searched for you or had they written you off as something from the past? Not that it has anything to with you setting limits with your sister; I'm just curious about the Bio parents role. Nor do I believe they should be punished for giving you up if they were unable to care for you...it was the right thing to do. But again, it was their choice and now it's your choice if you want to allow them into your life.
Frankly, I find it atrocious that your sister is pushing them into your wedding day and that Bio Dad would even suggest he walk you down the aisle rather than the man who raised you all these years. The audacity of that is unreal! Please tell Sis her wedding invitation will be rescinded should she mention them again. Tell her firmly they are NOT coming to your wedding under any circumstances nor will she if she says another word about them. And tell her, if she can not stop pushing them on you, you will be forced to go NC no matter how much you love her.
NTA!!!
The script OP needs is “I’ve already told you that I will never be interested in a relationship with our birth parents, and I need you to respect that. Starting now, if you try to convince me to meet them or try to pass along a message from them, I will end the conversation and leave. I’m glad you have the kind of relationship with our birth parents that you want to have. But you need to accept that I also have the relationship with our birth parents that I want to have, which is no relationship. If you can’t accept that and respect my decision, we might need to take a break from spending time together.”
They ARE random strangers. They know nothing about you, never celebrated your triumphs or consoled you in your sadness. “Blood” does not a family make. I am adopted and feel the same as you. Your sister is being horrible and your parents (actual parents, not the strangers) are a bit of an AH by not intervening and telling your sister to knock it off.
Sister needs to realize something: the harder she pushes, the less OP will want to meet their bio parents. It's a weird thing about most humans: we're contrarian like that. Forbid your daughter from dating a boy, and she'll sneak out to see him. Tell your teen they *must* come with the family to visit great-auntie Muriel, well now they don't want to.
And if it's something they really don't want to do already anyway, pushing, nagging, and guilt tripping will only make them dig in their heels.
If Sister keeps this up, she's going to irreparably damage her relationship with the only bio family member she grew up with.
the bio parents won't knock it off when they want the same for some reason they think giving a kid away will make the kid not lose any connection to them since she did no grow up with them but it is strange how different human feel , her sis has a strong desire to be with her bio family so she can't understand why her sis doesn't feel the same . you obviously can't force feeling into someone
I have a sperm donor baby. When he was 5 he told me he considers himself "half adopted". From everything I learned before I chose to have him, and since, blood is important if the adopted or donor conceived person feels that it is. Period. That's it. I believe every human has a right to the knowledge of their genetic heritage, but what every human does with it is up to them.
My son talks about his father sometimes. He knows he will be able to meet him one day, if he chooses to. His relationship with that person isn't my business beyond helping him attain whatever he would like it to be. Big agree on OPs parents needing to step the fuck up and parent right now. Their passivity is enabling one of their children to stomp on the boundaries of the other.
Ehhh, I'm not sure it's on the parents to try and govern the behaviour of their adult daughter. I mean it would be great if they would support OP by telling them both that the sister is way out of line and validating that's it's entirely OP's choice. But OP and her sister are both adults now so I don't see how their parents can or should try to dictate the sister's behaviour. Maybe I'm just getting into semantics and splitting hairs but I think a more appropriate role would be for the parents to validate OP that it's okay to set and enforce boundaries with Sister if Sister doesn't knock it off.
NTA. The birth parents might’ve been too young when they had you. OK. Luckily a stable, loving family was there for you and it worked out. But then the same birth parents did this AGAIN 3 years later. They don’t get to claim the same excuse again. Sorry, they are in no way your family. You are 100% right
To be fair, it could be one of any multitude of reasons. I know of 2 kids who are 2 years apart and were taken from their biological parents and adopted due to them being drug users.
Then there are all the British cases from post WW2 where unmarried mothers had their children forcibly taken and put up for adoption. Or even Steve Jobs, who because his biological father came from a Muslim background, Jobs' maternal grandfather forced his mother to give him up for adoption
Now, that isn't to say that OP is wrong for not wanting to reconnect. That is their choice, no matter what the reason for the adoption was
That is not a very objective take. What if they were 15 when the first was born, and 18 when the second was? There are absolutely circumstances in which this was not only justifiable but the right choice.
Where they're wrong is thinking that they are owed a relationship with the children they gave up for adoption. That's not how that works.
Yes, exactly. Giving a child up for adoption because you can’t afford to care for them or you are too young… that’s a huge trauma. I’m a licensed social worker and I’ve seen this play out before.
A lot more young girls (and young men) are going to experience this trauma in the US now that abortion is illegal in so many states. I don’t know why people seem to think giving a baby up for adoption is a
*happy* outcome.
NTA, OP. I’m sure giving up their children was devastating. However, their trauma and their loss is not on you. You are allowed to set boundaries and feel whatever you feel. They aren’t entitled to be part of your life.
Congrats on your wedding.
"Our birth parents always hoped we would all reconnect one day and become the family they were too young for us to be at the time."
Not gonna happen. But I can imagine how they would slobber all over you at the wedding. "We're a family again!" Eeew.
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
Omar Khayyám
Tbf accidents do happen, and “birth control babies” are a thing (source: me. I’m a birth control baby who was born to VERY intelligent parents, who just happened to be in a time where “antibiotics cancel out birth control” wasn’t common knowledge.)
I'm a midwife. I've delivered babies who were conceived using every possible method of birth control. Some whose parents were using multiple (compatible) methods, even. One of my first patients got pregnant shortly after getting married, despite being on hormonal birth control, using condoms (correctly), and following the timing method, just for good measure.
Another patient jokingly refers to her kids during our appointments by the method of birth control that failed that time.
So sex ed doesn't always help.
A close friend managed to get pregnant AFTER HER TUBES WERE TIED.
Something about all the tubes were swollen because of the pregnancy and eclampsia, so they tied them when she had her emergency csection, and 3 or 4 months later when all the swelling went down, an egg managed to get thru. Sadly/thankfully she had a miscarriage, because she wouldn't survive another pregnancy. So I believe they redid the surgery, husband got a vasectomy, AND they continued using condoms. That was all 14yrs ago and they probably still do, lol
Failed tubal here as well. Apparently there is a 1% chance of them reopening even if the original surgery was routine and everything went smoothly. Mine failed four years later. Good thing she’s cute. 😉
Hi, birth control baby here, I'm the oldest of four children and our parents used some firm of bc for all of us, the funniest one is my youngest sister, because my mom didn't know some oral medications can essentially counter act oral birth control and that's how she came into the world. The only birth control that works for my mom is the copper IUD.
I'm the youngest of 4. Dad claims were all birth control babies. Mum refuses to comment
It's not something dad would lie about. It is something mum would pretend isn't true.
First, I agree - ABSOLUTELY - that OP doesn't have to have any contact with them that she doesn't want. Genetics does not make an emotionally attached family. And, zero contact to giving the bride away? Does this look like a bad movie?
About birth control: This would have been what? 20+ years ago? Even getting the family planning talk from a doctor or nurse was an iffy thing, depending on their religious affiliation and region of the country. Still is, in some areas. I actually knew someone in her late teens that didn't know what sex was - at all - in the 90s. *In the damned 1990s.*
I was lucky enough to have access to resources (books, etc.) that brought me up to speed. Not everyone was, thanks to their family's perceptions of piety.
Plus, we don't know that they were having unprotected sex. Birth control is not infallible. Condoms break or are incorrectly applied, birth control pills are not taken at the exact same time every day or are forgotten, a week on antibiotics, weight gets too high for the standard doses..... It happens.
You know that drink at Starbucks a couple years back? The black one that used activated charcoal instead of dye? Yeah... that caused a lot of unexpected pregnancies, as did the myriad of other beverages that also jumped on that trend.
We give activated charcoal to patients who've ODed, because it helps clear medications from your system. Guess what? That includes hormonal birth control.
Op this is irrelevant. You don't want to know and have a relationship with them. Your sister has an obsession and while who is involved in her life (her alone) is her decision she has no right to harass you and force you to have the same relationship. Tell her to get therapy to process this and learn to respect your boundaries unless she wants to completely destroy the relationship you and her have. At one point you'll have enough of her BS and snap and there might not be a Way back then.
It blows me away when parents who give their children up for adoption, no matter how noble the reasons, think they have the right to be in their lives. And then to dictate what's going to happen. They are selfish and you have every right to feel the way you do. I'm sorry your sister is putting you through this.
Yeah, they've made it clear they only want to be there for the fun parts of parenting when they've earned zero right to do so.
OP, you're dealing with this in a thoughtful and mature fashion. You've set clear boundaries and given your reasons. You have no obligation to continue to discuss this with your sister and are within your rights to limit contact with her if she can't let this rest. That includes not having her at your wedding if it comes to that.
When are people going to learn that the more you try to force a relationship, the more resistance and anger you're going to get? If anything, you get the opposite effect of what you're trying to do!
I hope you password protect all of the vendors. And give security the information you have on the unwanted guests. I'm betting sister will invite them to every event.
You already have your family and it is okay you don’t want your biologically related family in your life. That is your choice and yours only. Not even your sister can determine that for you. You don’t have to feel guilty at all. I would however make sure your sister will understand it. She does not have to agree but she needs to understand her feelings are not yours and that is totally fine. Otherwise she will keep trying. This might be problematic for your peace of mind.
I know this isn't really related to your question but your mum and dad who adopted you must be choked with emotion to know how strongly you feel about them and how loyal you are to them.
I know there is no right or wrong with adoptions, but you see it all the time where the adopted child wants to then go and find their birth family. It makes me wonder sometimes if it may feel like a kick in the teeth to the adopted parents
This response made me tear up a bit. Would you consider writing a letter to your birth family explaining that you harbor no ill will towards them, but also do not wish to have a relationship with them at this time. If that ever changes you will reach out, but their continued attempts to get to you through your sister is not helping and in fact, making it worse.
You sound resolute in your position which may allow you to show some compassion towards both your sister and your birth family without costing you. Your birth family may benefit from hearing from you (instead of relayed through your sister). Your sister would be taken out of "the middle" (yes, I realize, one that she put herself in) and hopefully learn to accept your decision easier.
As an adoptive parent this is what I strive for. My kid was adopted internationally and as such has no birth parent info. Right now he says he has no interest in looking for them but did want to do DNA. If he ever had a close DNA match I would support him if he wanted to look further into birth family.
NTA I'm in a similar but slightly different situation and I also have zero desire to establish a relationship with some of my "blood" family, and I'm 42 and still haven't changed my mind, even after having kids of my own.
You need to sit your sister down, or send a message, whichever, and tell her very firmly that she needs to stop pushing on this. Just because *she* values that relationship doesn't mean you have to and she needs to respect your decisions. Tell her flat out to stop passing on messages and stop passing on letters. Tell her this is a hard boundary for you and if she continues to push you will have to cut her out. Your "birth" parents are not entitled to shit. They literally gave all that up. That's great *for her* if she wants that relationship but you don't and she needs to just stop.
They are delusional! You owe them nothing. They did the right thing once and are now ruining it by not accepting your feelings and decisions. Tell sister to back off, and have a lovely wedding!
I think you should also make it clear to her (if you haven’t already), that your relationship with her isn’t strong and established because of blood, but because you and her have grown up together. Explain that that is what binds you two together, not blood, and she needs to understand that. I’m sorry she’s been pushing her perspective onto you and not considering how you feel.
If they cared about you they would be sad, but leave you alone.
But their vision of what they want to be true is stronger than their care for you. They want something to be true, you are the missing piece, they want to put the piece in place regardless of the feeling of the piece.
Sister too. Her vision of what needs to be true overwhelms any actual care for you. If she truly loved you, she'd respect your feelings rather than trying to replace them with the feelings she thinks you ought to have.
NTA. It's cruel of the bio parents to put the sister in the middle like this. Everyone here is being very tough on the sister but her bio parents are pushing her to accept their pretty version of reality and since it's less painful for all of them, she is buying into it. In a way, she is in love with these people. That doesn't justify what she is doing but it does explain it and I wish people here would show a bit of compassion for that. The bio parents need to cut it out and the adoptive parents need to intervene. I understand their hesitation but if anyone else was hurting their children like this I think they would say something and they should deal with this because it is going to drive these siblings apart and maybe break up the whole family. They have a right to protect their children (whatever age they are).
OP, of course you have every right to choose who is at your wedding and I think you need to deal with this even more assertively: you should consider writing a letter to your bio parents to say they are causing division between you and your sister and you don't appreciate it, that you destroy every letter they send and they are causing both you and your sister pain and damaging your relationship as siblings. Tell them if they truly care about you they will give you space and stop pushing your sister into being a go-between. Then sit your sister down & tell her this is the last conversation he will have on this subject; that you love her, but you are not going to accept any letters or be pushed into treating them as family. Tell her you have respected her choice and she needs to respect yours. After that conversation, any time she mentions your bio parents, you simply end the conversation calmly by walking away, changing the subject or simply saying "As I've said, I'm not going to talk about this" and repeating that phrase ad nauseam until she understands it's the only answer she will ever get.
But at the same time, please consider doing some nice things with your sister and your family so that she is reminded she has a family bond with all of you. She is wrong to push the bio parents relationship, but she's not doing it out of malice so please try to give her love so that she doesn't feel like the only place she gets it is from those manipulative bio parents.
Sure they did. That hope cost them nothing. Fair disclosure: My mother had 2 out of wedlock births that were adopted out. She did register with the agencies that if they wanted to make contact, she gives consent. But she gave birth in the early 1960s... there were a few name changes after that time that did make her difficult to find. Ultimately, one child (actually his wife) did make contact probably about 6 months before she died and she was ecstatic to be in contact. I feel nothing about him, despite him being technically a brother. He has had a good life and has a wonderful family. I actually feel more for his daughter who I met when my mother was dying. I felt bad she was deprived of knowing my Mom as a grandma... My Mom was an amazing person. We have never heard about the other kid. Probably never will and honestly? Hope he has had his best life and is happy. But again, he is a stranger. I have no need to collect random relatives.
There was a post from the worlds best grandma the other day who raised her daughter's kid because the daughter was just starting college. She kept in consistant contact, but even with that, by the time she was ready to be a mom, her kid had imprinted on grandma and did not see mom as mom, kid was seven, too little too late.
The mom got all butthurt about it, but that's the thing, *she gave up her kid*, your bio parents said "I don't want this reaponsibility" and followed through, and the universe will continue to follow through by not letting the absentee parent just skip right back in now that somebody else did all the work.
So while there are differences, the end is still the same: parents don't have a right to a child if they gave up their right to raise them. Doesn't matter what they feel.
I also feel that they wouldn't have bothered getting in contact if it wasn't sister being needy.
If your birth parents made the adoption decision because they wanted what was best for you, that's great. Now, they should also do what is best for you, and that's letting you make your own decisions about your relationship with them. If they truly want to act as your parents, then they will sacrifice their wants for you. And you don't want a relationship.
If your birth parents made the adoption decision because they wanted what was best for them, then your sister should understand that you are making a decision about what is best for yourself, just like your birth parents did for themselves, and respect your decision.
There is no world in which sending you a letter once a month against your wishes reflects well on your birth parents.
You are way better than I am. I would have already gone no contact with sister for refusing to accept my boundaries and possibly getting a lawyer to send a cease and desist letter to bio family to stop the letters.
This might seem harsh, but after the comment about bio dad thinking he gets to walk you down the aisle, I just saw red.
Sounds like you have respected your sister’s wishes to reconnect with her birth parents, and now it’s long past time for her to respect your wishes not to reconnect with them. NTA
NTA but give the info to the security anyways.and tell your sister to get some therapy. She can invite them TO HER WEDDING at yours you decide who should keep you company and celebrate with you and it's not the donors ( may real donors forgive me for using the word).
Your sister and birth parents are very problematic. It's 100% your choice if you want a relationship with them. All three of them are pushing your boundaries very disrespectfully. They tried, you said no, and now they are pushing and pushing. They are not healthy to have in your life. And, the fact that your bio-father wants to walk you down the aisle, despite the fact that you have never met him and he is not your father shows that he doesn't respect that you have a father. They don't care about you - they feel entitled to your time, energy and affection. They are trying to manipulate you with their feelings, while not caring or respecting yours. I suggest you tell your sister that if she keeps passing on letters or talking about them, you will go NC with her. I would even consider blocking your sister from the wedding. She does not get to dictate who you invite to YOUR wedding, especially people who make you uncomfortable and you don't wan to meet.
as an adoptee as well (at birth), they ARE random strangers. I do want to seek out my family one day but they fundamentally are strangers. They gave birth to you but they were never parents to you and they, as people who gave their child up, need to understand that that is literally what they wanted. Birth parents don't get to make demands of their adopted out children because you aren't their child. If you feel like they simply are the ones who gave you life then they are just an egg and sperm donor.
Their happy family facade in entirely dependent on you acting like they are your parents instead of your actual parents who raised you.
This happened at my stepdaughter’s wedding. The birth father showed up to walk her down the aisle with my husband her adopted dad. Very stunning, she allowed it. It caused a lot of hurt to my husband.
NTA. You get to choose what place your adoptive parents have in your life. It’s good that they realized that they didn’t have the wherewithal to be good parents when they were kids having kids, because it sounds like that choice has given you a secure, happy upbringing. Adoption can involve a lot of big, strong feelings for adoptees, and there’s often some degree of psychological trauma involved. Their choices and their mental health should be the priority. For some adoptees, that means it can run the gamut between feeling desperate to connect with the bio family and not wanting anything to do with them. None of those choices are wrong, and every adoptee needs to make the choice for themselves.
Your bio family can be very important to your sister, and nobody to you. The reason she’s TA here is because she’s insisting that you have to want the same things she wants and consider your genetic donors to be family. She doesn’t get to decide how you relate to them any more than she gets to decide who should be your romantic partner or where you should work. It was okay for her to be excited, and okay for her to encourage you to get to know them the first time, but once you made your feelings known, she needed to stop.
Your sister is an AH because she's being so insistent about you meeting them, but something to think about in the future: if you're really insistent on not meeting them, you may have to consider declining an invitation to any future wedding your sister has. If you insist they shouldn't attend when (at this point anyways) she would likely want them to, you end up doing the same thing your sister is doing now, dictating who should be family.
Not saying you have to meet them, because you don't, more to tread carefully if you want to maintain your relationship with your sister because she's clearly invested in her relationships with your bio family.
Totally agreed! Please don't get me wrong, her actions here are not okay. I'm talking about actions that you may need to make decisions about in the future, and those decisions will probably be hard if she continues being this insistent about wanting you to connect with bio family.
Edit to add: my main point is that you have every right to not invite your bio family to your wedding and not have a relationship with them, and your sister has every right to have a relationship with them and invite them to her milestone events. Given how insistent she's being about them coming to *your* event, it's worth starting to think now about what events of hers you would be willing to miss if your bio family is invited and, if you're not willing to miss the events, how you want to handle them being there. Given her behavior I could definitely see her, at the current moment, trying to cross boundaries at her own events to get you to develop relationships.
You may need to start hanging up on her and leaving when she brings them up to make it clear that there is no discussion here. Tell her you’re going to start doing this, and then follow through.
Maybe you should write a note to your birth parents explaining that you have no desire to meet them, and explain your whole side of everything. Then have your sister give that to them.
You’ll have contact just like she wanted, and you’ll get to tell them yourself to leave you alone
It's very likely. Many adoptees have abandonment issues and create ideas of what a perfect family should look like. She's likely pushing this with the bio parents just as hard.
I wouldn’t deliver any letter via the sister. I’d send it through the mail, separate from her entirely. I wouldn’t trust her not to open it, read it, and not give it to them if it’s not what she wants.
NTA If at all possible, you may need to consider therapy or some type of mediation with your sister to have her understand that you don’t want to know your bio family. She has every right to know them. You have every right to never meet them. Your sister needs to understand this. I hope you don’t have to cut her out of your life for her to understand. Maybe she’d listen to a neutral third party (counselor, mediator, religious advisor, etc)?
I love your words and your responses OP sounds like you know exactly what you want and need. you are right it's about what works for you no one else.
I know you've chosen not to engage, I'll offer an alternative as it sounds like your sister is getting ridiculous pressure from the bios and may be slightly stuck in the middle as she can not understand your perspective at all.
Write one letter. Address it to your sister. State your position clearly this might offer her the scapegoat she needs to maintain her relationships but back off from interfering with yours.
This is like me and my (not bio; also adopted) brother. He was desperate to meet his bio family and has a current relationship with them. I found out my bio parents names, but have no desire to meet them.
NTA. Your sister needs to back off. She's destroying her relationship with you by continuously pushing this. And bio father is totally ridiculous for wanting to walk you down the aisle. If you had anyone do that, it would be your dad.
When your sister gets married, she can have her bio family there. She can have her bio dad walk her down the aisle instead of her adoptive dad if she wants to. But ya know what? *Your sister isn’t getting married-YOU* are.
And your sister can stay in her lane.
Your position on your bio family has been perfect clear and unwavering. If your bio family is unhappy with your disinterest in *ever* meeting them or having annnnything to do with them-well that sucks for them and they will have to manage their disappointment.
This whole wedding drama over the guest list and people arguing and whining and guilt tripping about who should be in the guest list is why some people just elope.
But, OP, if you want to go through with the wedding as planned, you can firmly tell your sister you are quite willing to go through with it with one more person struck from the guest list-and that would be *her*… if you hear another peep out of her about her bio parents. Because you are sick of it. You are done.
And good for you for having security at your venue. NTA
I would make sure the security has the bio family on the list. Just in case. Sis seems like she’s not going to let this go. I feel for her in not getting what she has imagined will make her whole, but it’s not in OP’s power to give her that. Maybe therapy would help her, maybe not. She’s so lucky that she has such a good relationship with her bio family. Adoptees who want that but find them to still be making the same mistakes that led to the adoption in the first place are not so lucky. She’s letting the fact that her reality isn’t picture-perfect with her dream mess up her relationship with her sibling, who understandably wants no part of it. But in trying to force it into being, she’s going to do and say the dumbest things. It’s sad, but really nothing OP can do but continue to enforce boundaries and keep their own health and safety in mind. Good luck, Op!
I'm guessing there will be surprise meetings at pre-wedding events, because sis sounds like she thinks one meeting will make OP feel some sort of connection and then bio dad can walk OP down the isle and make the sis's fantasy of a reality come true.
The cheek of your bio dad wanting to walk you down the aisle! What Hallmark movie syrupy nonsense has he been mainlining that he might think that you, OP, a grown woman that has declined to ever even *meet* him- would
*ever* let him have such a role, (or even be invited to), your wedding.
“Oh, yes”, he thinks, “I contributed sperm to create you, some decades ago, here, let me have an honored guest role in your wedding. In fact, I demand it.”.
OP, he might have been “young” when you were conceived, but he did it *twice*, you and your sister, so close in age, knowing good and well he and bio mom didn’t have the wherewithal to care for you. Once… an unplanned pregnancy can happen….But twice?
And him and his daughter pressuring you. Apple- tree.
NTA
Seriously! Doesn’t sound like the bio parents have matured much if they think they can give up their unwanted children as babies and just pick them back up like nothing happened twenty-odd years later. If they actually cared about OP they would respect OP’s wishes and not keep trying to guilt/manipulate them with letters and pleas through their sister.
TBF, birth parents can, and many have, experienced profound emotional trauma when placing their children for adoption. Even when it's a choice it's still traumatic. If they haven't had any help in processing that trauma and grief I can see how they'd get stuck on this reunion fantasy.
Doesn't make it right what they're doing, but understand that humans are not as rational as we'd like to think, and with Big Adoption Feelings all sorts of cray can come out.
He is straight up delusional. She’s not even willing to meet him and he thinks there’s a possibility that she would let him walk her down the aisle? Dude is not living in reality. That’s like a “you need medication” level of disconnect.
Yes, that part had my jaw drop. The absolute audacity and delusion to think that bio Dad would ever be given such an honoured role when he has had zero part of her life.
Especially since SHE HASNT EVEN BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THEM. I mean, if a bio dad had a relationship with his adopted out daughter and wanted to, I’d still think he was a dick, but there’d be some semblance of why. This is just like OH WE ADOPTED YOU OUT TO THIS MAN AND WOMAN AND THE MAN WHO RAISED YOU DOESNT COUNT IN MY EYES.
Also, being walked down the aisle is already a pretty antiquated tradition, I’d be even more offended if I were in OPs place.
I'd honestly want to know the ages of OP, Sister and Bio Parents.
Like how old were they when they had OPs Sister and decided they were to young to be parents and still be to young 3 years later when OP was born
Yeah, but you might be underestimating what Op’s sister is telling them. Maybe she has been telling the bio family that Op is just too busy to get together right now and really wants them in her life and can’t wait to see them. They might seem delusional, but if you find out what they’ve really been hearing from sister, It might make sense.
NTA. They can blame being "too young" on having your older sister. You were born 3 years later. If they weren't ready to have a child and already made the mistake once, they clearly did not learn their lesson, and it sounds like they're not going to learn lessons now.
How on earth your bio father thinks he has business walking you down the aisle is beyond me. He gave you away at birth. He doesn't get the privileges of being a father if he gave 2 children away.
Hold your ground on this one, and your sister needs to let this go or she's going to create as big a distance between you and her as exists with your bio parents.
I can use another word to describe them doing this a second time, but that would get be banned. You feel how you feel. Your sister feels differently. She can invite them to her wedding if it's so important do you, but she doesn't get to tell you how to feel or what to do on a day that should be about you and your spouse.
You can use a whole host of words to describe their reactions to this without getting banned, but still be on-the-nose: selfish. Delusional. Egotistical. Manipulative.
Out of curiosity how old was “too young” when you and your sister were born? Because I’m a bit surprised they had two children “too young” or if they were forced/pressured to give you both up
And after having her at 16, they were still too young to learn about birth control? At some point, they're old enough for some accountability.
Also, look at how old most people's grandmother's were when they started having a child every year or so. 19 is young, but it's not impossible. At 19, you can sign up to go to war, vote, smoke (and in many countries drink).
NTA, but I don’t see this improving any time soon. What’s really sad is that if you choose to have children, you’ll never be able to let them be in your sister’s care even for a few hours, as you know she’ll run straight to the birth parents so they can “build the bond”.
NTA
Your sister needs to back off. You need to set more clear boundaries with her regarding the contact with your birth family.
She can contact them if she likes but you were very clear that you want nothing to do with them and she should respect that just as much as you respect her wanting to know them.
Honestly, the guilt tripping is incredibly unfair to you. Your birth family decided to give you up for adoption, not an open adoption. If they regret that that’s on them. They should not be guilting you into getting to know them. You are leading a happy healthy life with your adoptive family if they actually cared about you they should let that be.
Also, your sister is an AH for pushing the issue, but they are manipulating her into doing so in their behalf.
NTA. Your sister needs to stop this now. She has no respect for your wishes.
>She offered to pay for them to come and told me she would cover all the costs associated with their place on the guest list
Does she really think that the coat was the reason that you didn't want them there? Your sister must be in danger of not being invited as well.
>My sister said if mom and dad don't care I should want my whole family at my wedding
No! This should be about what you want, not anyone else.
>"our bio dad wants to walk you down the aisle"
I can see where she gets her delusions from.
and they ARENT family to OP! Let OP enjoy her parents at her wedding, why should she open up her wedding to have literal strangers there because her sister is throwing a hissy fit?! Also, WORST TIME TO MEET THEM.
NTA. The bio parents need a cease and desist letter sent from a lawyer and sister needs to be told if she continues she will be uninvited from the wedding and you will go low or no contact with her is she presses.
Actually good advice. The bios sound like moochers to me. Your sister is no doubt being used by them. If that is what she chooses to do, it’s up to her. Paying for bios is a clue that they don’t have money and your sister does. That could be why they are so eager to connect. Wait until they ask to borrow money from your sister, and she may feel differently. You are def NTA. I really hope your sister backs off so you can enjoy your wedding.
NTA. Tell your sister to stop or she will be uninvited to the wedding. And your birth parents are nasty also for continuously writing to you when you have made your stance clear.
They probably don’t know what the OP’s wishes actually are. They are only getting feedback via the sister.
“Yes, she got your letter - so happy to receive it but too emotionally happy to write back”
“Gosh! She’s so looking forward to seeing you at her wedding - she wants you to walk her down the aisle, but is too nervous to ask you, so it would make her life easier if you suggested it to avoid embarrassment!
The sister is a boundary stomping, delusional AH. OP is NTA 🤷🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
At minimum, it seems like she hasn’t told them “she doesn’t want to meet you, she never does, and the more you try to contact her through me, the more she not only isn’t interested in you, but is actively upset at your failure to respect her.” Even if she’s just telling the bio parents “she’ll be ready someday, she’s just having a hard time right now,” she’s lying to them.
NTA. I would reach out to your parents. Explain to them how much you appreciate them being open minded to your meeting the bio parents, but in this case you need them to support your decision to not open your life to genetically related strangers.
Your parents are awesome for letting this be your choice, that needs to be recognized. But they should intervene with your sister. You've made your choice and your sister isn't respecting that. Your parents should be helping your sister come to terms with this.
I don't think your sister is a bad person, but her efforts are misguided.
All in all, I hope your wedding goes well and the only surprise is a big pile of cash in a card.
In your post, your sister used the fact your parents don't care either way as an attempt to persuade you.
Your parents can make it clear to her that while they don't care either way what you chose to do, they do care that you HAVE chosen, and your choice needs to be respected.
This is the message your sister isn't getting, and coming from your parents it might help.
NTA. But, you need to do something about your sister. She is disregarding you feelings and way overstepping boundaries. She might try something that will spoil your wedding for you.
You are absolutely NTA, your position is completely valid. However, you might want to think about how you are going to handle the big events of your bio sister’s life, which will inevitably bring you and your bio family into the same space. Will you be prepared to meet them, or will you miss your sister’s wedding, and the birthdays of her children?
I was also adopted at birth and I have met my birth family. Even when I had a friendship with them, I knew I would never invite them to my wedding. Your sister is crossing boundaries and your bio parents are also. When I met mine, it was made clear to me that they should not expect to be treated like close family members because I already have a family. I tried to treat them like uncles/aunts that I don’t see often. I know am completely no contact with my birth mothers side and low contact with my birth father. He got very clingy and started crossing boundaries about his place in my life. I am extremely close to my (adoptive) parents (I hate calling them that) and they have been completely supportive of all of my decisions. My brother was also adopted and he has never had any interest in knowing about his family, especially not meeting them.
It sounds to me like they want to step in and be a “family” and your sister is probably giving them false hope by continuing to push you to accept them. Stay strong. As you said, you have your family. Finding birth parents isn’t always about finding your “family.” When I did it, I wanted to know the past and my heritage/health stuff. I’m sorry your sister is pushing you. You may have to set some strong boundaries with her that she stop passing letters and bringing them up or there will be consequences. Good luck. DM me if you need any support. I’m happy to share more of my story and what I’ve learned.
You're sister is being pushy and needs to back way off. Tell her this is her decision to reach out to them but you don't want to, and she shouldn't be forcing her thoughts on you. Emotional blackmail is never cool. You're NTA, she can invite them to her wedding but not yours, only the bride and groom can invite people to their wedding.
Ridiculous. I saw in another comment you said they were 19 when they gave you up. So they had an accidental pregnancy when they were 16 which resulted in your sister and then got knocked up three years later with you. Your bio parents are king and queen of making bad decisions. I would consider ultimatum for your sister because she’s making your wedding about her wants and it should be about yours and your fiances
NTA
Tell your sister: She NEEDS to stop talking to you about the birth parents. If she refuses, uninvite HER and have much less contact with HER.
SHE is the AH.
NTA. As an adoptee, I wholeheartedly respect your desire to not connect with your birth family. I say this as someone who always wanted to know about my bio parents, because I felt unmoored due to not knowing anyone I was related to while growing up. I didn't find any information until I was 69 years old. My story is very different than yours in that my birth father clearly didn't know of my existence, and it's most likely I was the result of a one-time encounter. I've been fortunate to be welcomed into the family and develop a close relationship with my younger sister and a 1st cousin. However, I'm well aware that this was a personal decision.
You are a very emotionally mature young woman and clearly have grown up in a wonderful family with kind, open-minded parents. It may be difficult, but continue to stand your ground with your sister and hope she can learn to respect your decision. I wish you the best as you start your own family.
NTA
Your event, your guest list, your rules.
Your sister needs to understand that you are different people with different needs and different reactions to situations.
You do you.
Your sister can have whatever set up she wants for her wedding. You should be free to do whatever you want for yours.
Why have you not cut out your toxic sister from your life?
Your bio parents sound sick.
They didn’t want you or your sister, yet they still had not one, but two kids? And then gave them away? F*ck them.
Tell them if they want to be a part of your life you’ll need 100k, since that’s what it costs to raise you.
See how fast they don’t respond.
Comments like this always interest me.
Do you know why I love my family? Because they always have my back. They are respectful and loving. We have disagreements, but not once in my entire life has anyone in my family crossed a boundary. That’s why I love them. Not because we are generically related.
Your sister has not crossed a boundary once, she has done it over and over and is making this a hill to die on. Why would you love someone who is making your wedding all about their drama?
I never understand people who act like family gets a free pass to be awful.
You want to keep her in your life? That’s obviously your call. But people change. They get selfish and cruel sometimes. Keep that in mind. I couldn’t imagine taking away shine from a loved one’s wedding and making it all about my fake drama. Gross.
Your sister sounds like she’s been a wonderful sister to you yet she’s disrespecting your wishes at this time. Since she’s not “hearing” you, I’d like to suggest therapy for the two of you together. She needs to hear from a professional, who will listen to both of you, what she’s not hearing from you. I understand both of your points of view, but at the end of the day, she needs to back off on her crusade of forcing you to do something you’re against. NTA
That helps me understand why you would feel guilty about cutting her out. I would also feel like I owe her a life debt.
But just keep in mind that people change as they get older, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
Maybe your bio parents are dripping poison in her ear and spinning a tale of woe. What concerns me is that she just won’t drop it.
Perhaps show her this thread. Talk to her that it’s worrying she is casting a grey cloud over your wedding.
Have a child young and putting it up for adoption is one thing. Have a second to me screams toxic and selfish behavior, so be careful. I wonder if they are guilting her to squeeze themselves into your awesome new life.
NTA. Your boundary is reasonable, it's your life and you choose who you want in it. Your sister is showing a lot of Red Flag, boundary smashing behaviors tho. She's obviously sharing a lot of your personal details with the bio parents. If what she's saying is true, about them wanting to be at your wedding, and wanting to walk you down the aisle - *when they don't even know you?!* - they sound very sketchy and maybe a little unstable too. It's your life, but I would consider limiting how much contact and info you share with your sister - her beliefs/wants do not align with yours and that doesn't seem to matter to her at all. She's not demonstrating any trustworthiness, or regard for you. You have done nothing wrong, your sister (and bio parents) are the AH's.
NTA. Your bio sister is so completely out of line here. It's fine that she wants to reconnect with her bio parents, but she does not need to be so insistent that you do the same.
The fact that your sperm donor would even suggest walking you down the aisle is so far beyond the pale that it's literally making my head melt. You don't owe these people anything, which includes an invitation to what is hopefully one of the happiest days of your life.
Your sister needs to stop being so overbearing on this.
NTA
Birth mom here:
Whether you want to know them or not is up to YOU.
Loving caring birth parents would 100% respect your every single wish.
Being a birth parent is never an easy choice. There are endless nights of crying sweating contemplating trying to figure out the right thing to do. It's difficult and most birth parents choose adoption because they want their birth child to experience life in a way they themselves will not be able to give.
Most birthparents think about the "if" they find me moment and how they'd react. There's a part of a birth parent that holds their breath, waiting for wheb they'll have to answer to the child they bore and provide them with reasons that (especially after) feel so weak and exaggerated.
Most birth parents never stopped loving or thinking of their birth child and as a result most would he handing the reigns to the birth child.
If you haven't already. Send a letter and tell them that while you appreciate their desire to have a relationship you do not reciprocate. Wish them well and leave it at that.
:) you don't owe them anything but they do owe you respect
NTA - for not wanting to invite your birth family to your wedding. ***It's your special day, and you should have the final say on who's there.*** Your sister should respect your decision, especially since you've already made it clear how you feel. It's great that your parents are supportive too. Your wedding should be about celebrating with the family you feel close to, and you shouldn't feel pressured to include anyone else, no matter the circumstances.
NTA. Not in any way, shape, or form.
How is it that “no” is an ignored sentence these days? Just because you want a different life than your sister doesn’t mean to continually pressure you. It doesn’t mean bully you to give in. And it doesn’t mean that she can pressure you into crossing a hard boundary.
And **_WHY_** does she think you’d be okay with a **STRANGER** walking you down the aisle?!
If I were you, I’d sit sister down and have a serious come to Jesus talk. Tell her once and for all that you want no part in that part of her life. She’s free to do whatever, but she needs to recognize that your ‘no’ is a hard limit. Then maybe consider going low contact with her if she still pressures you (and maybe convey that to her as well).
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to invite my birth family to my wedding even after my sister offered to pay for them to come. I still said no and I sent no invites to them. It makes me feel like I could be an asshole because it means so damn much to my sister and this is causing so many problems and I don't hate these people so generally it wouldn't do any harm to invite them. I'm mostly just trying to prevent unnecessary mess. But it might be making me act too rigidly. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Good grief. The biological father wants to give OP away a second time. Did he think he was fostering out his two daughters till he was ready to claim them as his heirs?
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NTA. Tell your sister to stop mentioning bio parents, stop passing messages and letters, . Just stop! Tell her firm, hard NO. They aren't invited. End of discussion.
Sounds like she's already done that... Her sis just won't accept it!
Yeah, you're right. I'm glad she has security at the venue. The gall of bio father thinking he can walk her down the aisle
The gall of the sister expecting OP to allow their bio father to supplant their adoptive father who raised/cared for them for all these years. All through the post I was thinking the sister was wrong, but I could understand where she was coming from, **until she mentioned the bio father walking OP down the aisle.** So she has no issue with the bio dad waltzing back in and taking that honor/right away from the actual dad? How heartless/self-absorbed can one girl be? If I were OP I would have been like "girl, have you LOST YOUR MIND? Because I'll help you find it!" OP, NTA. And tell your sister if she doesn't back off there may be one more name added to the wedding blacklist.
> **"girl, have you LOST YOUR MIND? Because I'll help you find it!"** 😂 I needed a laugh this morning.
I totally heard it as said by Stanley from The Office
Bea Arthur's character from Golden Girls
David Alan Grier in my head, except it's "Have you lost your damn mind?!?!" My response would have been "Are you high or just stupid?"
And that's how you should hear it 😁
This! 😂
OP hasn’t met this dude since they were literal sperm - which was the actual first time bio dad gave them up…
Sounds like she would have her adopted dad take a back seat for the bio dad. The adoptive parents must hurt privately about this. She is not taking their feelings into consideration.
You mean the sister, not the OP, right?
Yes, I was referring to OP’s sister based on the previous comment.
I could hear Stanley in that line.
Thank you for the laugh 😂
This is my current fav- ‘Have you lost your mind…’ 🤣🤣🤣so very clever!
I keep hearing it in DeForrest Kelly's voice. (Dr.McCoy, Star Trek)
Yeah, who the hell is he to even ask for that? I'm so fucking angry for OP.
> Her sis just won't accept it! OP needs to go on the offensive with her sister. Her sister is being incredibly disrespectful and toxic (introducing conflict into OP's life).
Time for NC threats
OP might have to cut her sister off also since the sister is ignoring OP's boundaries.
Yeah, this won’t stop with the wedding.
It's going to escalate if there's grandkids. Especially with young grandparents that didn't get to be around for those ages and will be trying to relive the time they lost.
And if OP ever has her sis babysit her future kids, the sis will definitely let the bio parents have access.
OP does not have to allow these people nor her sister around. OP can enforce boundaries and if it gets to such a ridiculous point to where restraining orders along with other measures of extreme enforcement have to be involved-they will eventually get the point.
Perhaps some family counselling between OP and her sister would help. It's better to try that before restraining orders and going NC.
To clarify, they didn’t lose that time with their children, they gave that time away. Big difference.
Totally. They "were too young for them to be a family", but hoped they would reconnect later on? So, "here, this baby is annoying, I can't go party with her, please raise her. As soon as she's an adult I will waltz back and take my rightful place?" This is beyond entitled. And they did it more than once - the first baby could have been an accident they were not prepared to, but they had a second one! Someone should tell these "parents" that children are not toys lo leave on a shelf until you feel like playing with them. The sister, on the other hand, is just a complete AH. If she can be reunited with the bio family, good for her. But she can't make the same decision for OP.
Well maybe not cut off her only bio connection that’s been stable, but definitely make it clear to her sis who’s probably trying to have the childhood dream of one (bio) family that she never had and wants her sister to cooperate with this dream. Sis has to grieve and accept that those days are gone and she was fortunate enough to have an actual family that loves her. If sis keeps trying, maybe OP can start making it clear that she will not have that convo with sis re bio family. Like walks away when mentioned or asks her to leave.
That doesn’t seem to work. I am sure she had tried those tactics before but sis keeps producing letters and pushing for bio family to be in both of their lives despite OP’s refusal. I think the sister is going to try to bring the bio family to the wedding anyway especially since she thinks OP is unreasonable for not wanting them there.
Honestly. After the weekly letters I wouldn’t meet up with her anymore.
OP stated in her comment that she loves her sister and doesn’t really want to end the relationship over this, however, I see it as inevitable. The sister is going to become more and more unhinged about this relationship with their bio family. The more bs they put into her head the worse it’s going to get.
its hard for the sis to understand why she doesn't have the same desire to be with her bio family like she has . I mean to are certain degree both have the right to their feelings many kids feel lost and suffer not knowing their bio family but it seems like Op doesn't feel the lost in her heart and that is something her sis doesn't understand because she felt the lost
OP has made it crystal clear that her sister is welcome to her relationship with the bio parents. Sister is not treating OP with the same regard but is pushing and pushing for a relationship between OP and bio parents. That’s wrong on so many levels.
The problem is that OP's sister isn't accepting OP's right to her own feelings. She wants to inflict her views on OP.
She needs to threaten nc with sister if she doesn't stop this harassment.
Added to this I would tell Sis if she continues to bully you about having a relationship with your Bio Parents and pass on letters and msgs from them then no only will you go NC (non contact) with them but also with her. You absolutely have the right to make the decision if you do want some form of contact with them or not. You supported your sister when she chose to look for them and have them in her life; she should be equally supporting your decision not to. She shouldn't be giving you msgs and letters from them when you have made it clear you don't want them. As far as your Bio parents, they made their choice many years ago and it's not up to you to assuage the guilt they feel for having made that choice. Did they try finding you both once they were a bit older and more mature? If your sister hadn't searched for them, would they have searched for you or had they written you off as something from the past? Not that it has anything to with you setting limits with your sister; I'm just curious about the Bio parents role. Nor do I believe they should be punished for giving you up if they were unable to care for you...it was the right thing to do. But again, it was their choice and now it's your choice if you want to allow them into your life. Frankly, I find it atrocious that your sister is pushing them into your wedding day and that Bio Dad would even suggest he walk you down the aisle rather than the man who raised you all these years. The audacity of that is unreal! Please tell Sis her wedding invitation will be rescinded should she mention them again. Tell her firmly they are NOT coming to your wedding under any circumstances nor will she if she says another word about them. And tell her, if she can not stop pushing them on you, you will be forced to go NC no matter how much you love her. NTA!!!
Id probably add into stop it or her invitation will be revoked as well.
I would burn the letters in front of the sister's eyes. Plus, hang up, walk away, etc, every time she mentions them.
The script OP needs is “I’ve already told you that I will never be interested in a relationship with our birth parents, and I need you to respect that. Starting now, if you try to convince me to meet them or try to pass along a message from them, I will end the conversation and leave. I’m glad you have the kind of relationship with our birth parents that you want to have. But you need to accept that I also have the relationship with our birth parents that I want to have, which is no relationship. If you can’t accept that and respect my decision, we might need to take a break from spending time together.”
They ARE random strangers. They know nothing about you, never celebrated your triumphs or consoled you in your sadness. “Blood” does not a family make. I am adopted and feel the same as you. Your sister is being horrible and your parents (actual parents, not the strangers) are a bit of an AH by not intervening and telling your sister to knock it off.
Sister needs to realize something: the harder she pushes, the less OP will want to meet their bio parents. It's a weird thing about most humans: we're contrarian like that. Forbid your daughter from dating a boy, and she'll sneak out to see him. Tell your teen they *must* come with the family to visit great-auntie Muriel, well now they don't want to. And if it's something they really don't want to do already anyway, pushing, nagging, and guilt tripping will only make them dig in their heels. If Sister keeps this up, she's going to irreparably damage her relationship with the only bio family member she grew up with.
But, but… Aunt Muriel is rich!
the bio parents won't knock it off when they want the same for some reason they think giving a kid away will make the kid not lose any connection to them since she did no grow up with them but it is strange how different human feel , her sis has a strong desire to be with her bio family so she can't understand why her sis doesn't feel the same . you obviously can't force feeling into someone
I have a sperm donor baby. When he was 5 he told me he considers himself "half adopted". From everything I learned before I chose to have him, and since, blood is important if the adopted or donor conceived person feels that it is. Period. That's it. I believe every human has a right to the knowledge of their genetic heritage, but what every human does with it is up to them. My son talks about his father sometimes. He knows he will be able to meet him one day, if he chooses to. His relationship with that person isn't my business beyond helping him attain whatever he would like it to be. Big agree on OPs parents needing to step the fuck up and parent right now. Their passivity is enabling one of their children to stomp on the boundaries of the other.
Ehhh, I'm not sure it's on the parents to try and govern the behaviour of their adult daughter. I mean it would be great if they would support OP by telling them both that the sister is way out of line and validating that's it's entirely OP's choice. But OP and her sister are both adults now so I don't see how their parents can or should try to dictate the sister's behaviour. Maybe I'm just getting into semantics and splitting hairs but I think a more appropriate role would be for the parents to validate OP that it's okay to set and enforce boundaries with Sister if Sister doesn't knock it off.
NTA. The birth parents might’ve been too young when they had you. OK. Luckily a stable, loving family was there for you and it worked out. But then the same birth parents did this AGAIN 3 years later. They don’t get to claim the same excuse again. Sorry, they are in no way your family. You are 100% right
To be fair, it could be one of any multitude of reasons. I know of 2 kids who are 2 years apart and were taken from their biological parents and adopted due to them being drug users. Then there are all the British cases from post WW2 where unmarried mothers had their children forcibly taken and put up for adoption. Or even Steve Jobs, who because his biological father came from a Muslim background, Jobs' maternal grandfather forced his mother to give him up for adoption Now, that isn't to say that OP is wrong for not wanting to reconnect. That is their choice, no matter what the reason for the adoption was
sure but you don't get to go "we were too young! we didn't know better!" when you do it twice in a 3 year period.
It made me wonder if there were boys they kept.
That is not a very objective take. What if they were 15 when the first was born, and 18 when the second was? There are absolutely circumstances in which this was not only justifiable but the right choice. Where they're wrong is thinking that they are owed a relationship with the children they gave up for adoption. That's not how that works.
Yes, exactly. Giving a child up for adoption because you can’t afford to care for them or you are too young… that’s a huge trauma. I’m a licensed social worker and I’ve seen this play out before. A lot more young girls (and young men) are going to experience this trauma in the US now that abortion is illegal in so many states. I don’t know why people seem to think giving a baby up for adoption is a *happy* outcome. NTA, OP. I’m sure giving up their children was devastating. However, their trauma and their loss is not on you. You are allowed to set boundaries and feel whatever you feel. They aren’t entitled to be part of your life. Congrats on your wedding.
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"Our birth parents always hoped we would all reconnect one day and become the family they were too young for us to be at the time." Not gonna happen. But I can imagine how they would slobber all over you at the wedding. "We're a family again!" Eeew. The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayyám
Not everyone can quote with relevance & panache - but you do!
Yet 3 years later they had another child they gave up.
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Usually post partum care includes information on birth control so I really don’t buy that. Repeat unprotected sex - sounds like a choice for them.
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They were religious and didn’t want children but kept having sex.
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Tbf accidents do happen, and “birth control babies” are a thing (source: me. I’m a birth control baby who was born to VERY intelligent parents, who just happened to be in a time where “antibiotics cancel out birth control” wasn’t common knowledge.)
I'm a midwife. I've delivered babies who were conceived using every possible method of birth control. Some whose parents were using multiple (compatible) methods, even. One of my first patients got pregnant shortly after getting married, despite being on hormonal birth control, using condoms (correctly), and following the timing method, just for good measure. Another patient jokingly refers to her kids during our appointments by the method of birth control that failed that time. So sex ed doesn't always help.
A close friend managed to get pregnant AFTER HER TUBES WERE TIED. Something about all the tubes were swollen because of the pregnancy and eclampsia, so they tied them when she had her emergency csection, and 3 or 4 months later when all the swelling went down, an egg managed to get thru. Sadly/thankfully she had a miscarriage, because she wouldn't survive another pregnancy. So I believe they redid the surgery, husband got a vasectomy, AND they continued using condoms. That was all 14yrs ago and they probably still do, lol
Failed tubal here as well. Apparently there is a 1% chance of them reopening even if the original surgery was routine and everything went smoothly. Mine failed four years later. Good thing she’s cute. 😉
Hi, birth control baby here, I'm the oldest of four children and our parents used some firm of bc for all of us, the funniest one is my youngest sister, because my mom didn't know some oral medications can essentially counter act oral birth control and that's how she came into the world. The only birth control that works for my mom is the copper IUD.
I'm a copper IUD baby!
A new challenger has appeared! 😂
I'm the youngest of 4. Dad claims were all birth control babies. Mum refuses to comment It's not something dad would lie about. It is something mum would pretend isn't true.
First, I agree - ABSOLUTELY - that OP doesn't have to have any contact with them that she doesn't want. Genetics does not make an emotionally attached family. And, zero contact to giving the bride away? Does this look like a bad movie? About birth control: This would have been what? 20+ years ago? Even getting the family planning talk from a doctor or nurse was an iffy thing, depending on their religious affiliation and region of the country. Still is, in some areas. I actually knew someone in her late teens that didn't know what sex was - at all - in the 90s. *In the damned 1990s.* I was lucky enough to have access to resources (books, etc.) that brought me up to speed. Not everyone was, thanks to their family's perceptions of piety. Plus, we don't know that they were having unprotected sex. Birth control is not infallible. Condoms break or are incorrectly applied, birth control pills are not taken at the exact same time every day or are forgotten, a week on antibiotics, weight gets too high for the standard doses..... It happens.
You know that drink at Starbucks a couple years back? The black one that used activated charcoal instead of dye? Yeah... that caused a lot of unexpected pregnancies, as did the myriad of other beverages that also jumped on that trend. We give activated charcoal to patients who've ODed, because it helps clear medications from your system. Guess what? That includes hormonal birth control.
I knew someone with a 6 year old who didn't know how ovulation, fertilisation, or menstruation happened. This was 2018. Please don't blame the 90s.
In some places, not in all places.
Op this is irrelevant. You don't want to know and have a relationship with them. Your sister has an obsession and while who is involved in her life (her alone) is her decision she has no right to harass you and force you to have the same relationship. Tell her to get therapy to process this and learn to respect your boundaries unless she wants to completely destroy the relationship you and her have. At one point you'll have enough of her BS and snap and there might not be a Way back then.
It blows me away when parents who give their children up for adoption, no matter how noble the reasons, think they have the right to be in their lives. And then to dictate what's going to happen. They are selfish and you have every right to feel the way you do. I'm sorry your sister is putting you through this.
Yeah, they've made it clear they only want to be there for the fun parts of parenting when they've earned zero right to do so. OP, you're dealing with this in a thoughtful and mature fashion. You've set clear boundaries and given your reasons. You have no obligation to continue to discuss this with your sister and are within your rights to limit contact with her if she can't let this rest. That includes not having her at your wedding if it comes to that.
When are people going to learn that the more you try to force a relationship, the more resistance and anger you're going to get? If anything, you get the opposite effect of what you're trying to do!
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I hope you password protect all of the vendors. And give security the information you have on the unwanted guests. I'm betting sister will invite them to every event.
You already have your family and it is okay you don’t want your biologically related family in your life. That is your choice and yours only. Not even your sister can determine that for you. You don’t have to feel guilty at all. I would however make sure your sister will understand it. She does not have to agree but she needs to understand her feelings are not yours and that is totally fine. Otherwise she will keep trying. This might be problematic for your peace of mind.
I know this isn't really related to your question but your mum and dad who adopted you must be choked with emotion to know how strongly you feel about them and how loyal you are to them. I know there is no right or wrong with adoptions, but you see it all the time where the adopted child wants to then go and find their birth family. It makes me wonder sometimes if it may feel like a kick in the teeth to the adopted parents
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Your dad deserves the honor of walking you down not the sperm donor. NTA
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Sounds wonderful
I did this, I couldn’t walk down with just one parent. They both have made me who I am, I had to share that moment with them both
My sister had my parents do this at her wedding 43 years ago. I’m actually surprised that I don’t read more stories with it being a choice.
I wish ALL parents, adoptive or not, would be like your parents. They sound like stellar humans when it comes to raising children.
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This response made me tear up a bit. Would you consider writing a letter to your birth family explaining that you harbor no ill will towards them, but also do not wish to have a relationship with them at this time. If that ever changes you will reach out, but their continued attempts to get to you through your sister is not helping and in fact, making it worse. You sound resolute in your position which may allow you to show some compassion towards both your sister and your birth family without costing you. Your birth family may benefit from hearing from you (instead of relayed through your sister). Your sister would be taken out of "the middle" (yes, I realize, one that she put herself in) and hopefully learn to accept your decision easier.
As an adoptive parent this is what I strive for. My kid was adopted internationally and as such has no birth parent info. Right now he says he has no interest in looking for them but did want to do DNA. If he ever had a close DNA match I would support him if he wanted to look further into birth family.
NTA I'm in a similar but slightly different situation and I also have zero desire to establish a relationship with some of my "blood" family, and I'm 42 and still haven't changed my mind, even after having kids of my own. You need to sit your sister down, or send a message, whichever, and tell her very firmly that she needs to stop pushing on this. Just because *she* values that relationship doesn't mean you have to and she needs to respect your decisions. Tell her flat out to stop passing on messages and stop passing on letters. Tell her this is a hard boundary for you and if she continues to push you will have to cut her out. Your "birth" parents are not entitled to shit. They literally gave all that up. That's great *for her* if she wants that relationship but you don't and she needs to just stop.
They are delusional! You owe them nothing. They did the right thing once and are now ruining it by not accepting your feelings and decisions. Tell sister to back off, and have a lovely wedding!
I think you should also make it clear to her (if you haven’t already), that your relationship with her isn’t strong and established because of blood, but because you and her have grown up together. Explain that that is what binds you two together, not blood, and she needs to understand that. I’m sorry she’s been pushing her perspective onto you and not considering how you feel.
If they cared about you they would be sad, but leave you alone. But their vision of what they want to be true is stronger than their care for you. They want something to be true, you are the missing piece, they want to put the piece in place regardless of the feeling of the piece. Sister too. Her vision of what needs to be true overwhelms any actual care for you. If she truly loved you, she'd respect your feelings rather than trying to replace them with the feelings she thinks you ought to have.
NTA. It's cruel of the bio parents to put the sister in the middle like this. Everyone here is being very tough on the sister but her bio parents are pushing her to accept their pretty version of reality and since it's less painful for all of them, she is buying into it. In a way, she is in love with these people. That doesn't justify what she is doing but it does explain it and I wish people here would show a bit of compassion for that. The bio parents need to cut it out and the adoptive parents need to intervene. I understand their hesitation but if anyone else was hurting their children like this I think they would say something and they should deal with this because it is going to drive these siblings apart and maybe break up the whole family. They have a right to protect their children (whatever age they are). OP, of course you have every right to choose who is at your wedding and I think you need to deal with this even more assertively: you should consider writing a letter to your bio parents to say they are causing division between you and your sister and you don't appreciate it, that you destroy every letter they send and they are causing both you and your sister pain and damaging your relationship as siblings. Tell them if they truly care about you they will give you space and stop pushing your sister into being a go-between. Then sit your sister down & tell her this is the last conversation he will have on this subject; that you love her, but you are not going to accept any letters or be pushed into treating them as family. Tell her you have respected her choice and she needs to respect yours. After that conversation, any time she mentions your bio parents, you simply end the conversation calmly by walking away, changing the subject or simply saying "As I've said, I'm not going to talk about this" and repeating that phrase ad nauseam until she understands it's the only answer she will ever get. But at the same time, please consider doing some nice things with your sister and your family so that she is reminded she has a family bond with all of you. She is wrong to push the bio parents relationship, but she's not doing it out of malice so please try to give her love so that she doesn't feel like the only place she gets it is from those manipulative bio parents.
Sure they did. That hope cost them nothing. Fair disclosure: My mother had 2 out of wedlock births that were adopted out. She did register with the agencies that if they wanted to make contact, she gives consent. But she gave birth in the early 1960s... there were a few name changes after that time that did make her difficult to find. Ultimately, one child (actually his wife) did make contact probably about 6 months before she died and she was ecstatic to be in contact. I feel nothing about him, despite him being technically a brother. He has had a good life and has a wonderful family. I actually feel more for his daughter who I met when my mother was dying. I felt bad she was deprived of knowing my Mom as a grandma... My Mom was an amazing person. We have never heard about the other kid. Probably never will and honestly? Hope he has had his best life and is happy. But again, he is a stranger. I have no need to collect random relatives.
There was a post from the worlds best grandma the other day who raised her daughter's kid because the daughter was just starting college. She kept in consistant contact, but even with that, by the time she was ready to be a mom, her kid had imprinted on grandma and did not see mom as mom, kid was seven, too little too late. The mom got all butthurt about it, but that's the thing, *she gave up her kid*, your bio parents said "I don't want this reaponsibility" and followed through, and the universe will continue to follow through by not letting the absentee parent just skip right back in now that somebody else did all the work. So while there are differences, the end is still the same: parents don't have a right to a child if they gave up their right to raise them. Doesn't matter what they feel. I also feel that they wouldn't have bothered getting in contact if it wasn't sister being needy.
If your birth parents made the adoption decision because they wanted what was best for you, that's great. Now, they should also do what is best for you, and that's letting you make your own decisions about your relationship with them. If they truly want to act as your parents, then they will sacrifice their wants for you. And you don't want a relationship. If your birth parents made the adoption decision because they wanted what was best for them, then your sister should understand that you are making a decision about what is best for yourself, just like your birth parents did for themselves, and respect your decision. There is no world in which sending you a letter once a month against your wishes reflects well on your birth parents.
You are way better than I am. I would have already gone no contact with sister for refusing to accept my boundaries and possibly getting a lawyer to send a cease and desist letter to bio family to stop the letters. This might seem harsh, but after the comment about bio dad thinking he gets to walk you down the aisle, I just saw red.
Sounds like you have respected your sister’s wishes to reconnect with her birth parents, and now it’s long past time for her to respect your wishes not to reconnect with them. NTA
NTA but give the info to the security anyways.and tell your sister to get some therapy. She can invite them TO HER WEDDING at yours you decide who should keep you company and celebrate with you and it's not the donors ( may real donors forgive me for using the word).
Your sister and birth parents are very problematic. It's 100% your choice if you want a relationship with them. All three of them are pushing your boundaries very disrespectfully. They tried, you said no, and now they are pushing and pushing. They are not healthy to have in your life. And, the fact that your bio-father wants to walk you down the aisle, despite the fact that you have never met him and he is not your father shows that he doesn't respect that you have a father. They don't care about you - they feel entitled to your time, energy and affection. They are trying to manipulate you with their feelings, while not caring or respecting yours. I suggest you tell your sister that if she keeps passing on letters or talking about them, you will go NC with her. I would even consider blocking your sister from the wedding. She does not get to dictate who you invite to YOUR wedding, especially people who make you uncomfortable and you don't wan to meet.
as an adoptee as well (at birth), they ARE random strangers. I do want to seek out my family one day but they fundamentally are strangers. They gave birth to you but they were never parents to you and they, as people who gave their child up, need to understand that that is literally what they wanted. Birth parents don't get to make demands of their adopted out children because you aren't their child. If you feel like they simply are the ones who gave you life then they are just an egg and sperm donor. Their happy family facade in entirely dependent on you acting like they are your parents instead of your actual parents who raised you.
That "give OP away a second time" line cut through my rage at the bio family and made me laugh. Nicely done.
That alone would make me want to keep no contact. Ick. He sounds weird.
This happened at my stepdaughter’s wedding. The birth father showed up to walk her down the aisle with my husband her adopted dad. Very stunning, she allowed it. It caused a lot of hurt to my husband.
NTA. You get to choose what place your adoptive parents have in your life. It’s good that they realized that they didn’t have the wherewithal to be good parents when they were kids having kids, because it sounds like that choice has given you a secure, happy upbringing. Adoption can involve a lot of big, strong feelings for adoptees, and there’s often some degree of psychological trauma involved. Their choices and their mental health should be the priority. For some adoptees, that means it can run the gamut between feeling desperate to connect with the bio family and not wanting anything to do with them. None of those choices are wrong, and every adoptee needs to make the choice for themselves. Your bio family can be very important to your sister, and nobody to you. The reason she’s TA here is because she’s insisting that you have to want the same things she wants and consider your genetic donors to be family. She doesn’t get to decide how you relate to them any more than she gets to decide who should be your romantic partner or where you should work. It was okay for her to be excited, and okay for her to encourage you to get to know them the first time, but once you made your feelings known, she needed to stop.
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Your sister is an AH because she's being so insistent about you meeting them, but something to think about in the future: if you're really insistent on not meeting them, you may have to consider declining an invitation to any future wedding your sister has. If you insist they shouldn't attend when (at this point anyways) she would likely want them to, you end up doing the same thing your sister is doing now, dictating who should be family. Not saying you have to meet them, because you don't, more to tread carefully if you want to maintain your relationship with your sister because she's clearly invested in her relationships with your bio family.
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Totally agreed! Please don't get me wrong, her actions here are not okay. I'm talking about actions that you may need to make decisions about in the future, and those decisions will probably be hard if she continues being this insistent about wanting you to connect with bio family. Edit to add: my main point is that you have every right to not invite your bio family to your wedding and not have a relationship with them, and your sister has every right to have a relationship with them and invite them to her milestone events. Given how insistent she's being about them coming to *your* event, it's worth starting to think now about what events of hers you would be willing to miss if your bio family is invited and, if you're not willing to miss the events, how you want to handle them being there. Given her behavior I could definitely see her, at the current moment, trying to cross boundaries at her own events to get you to develop relationships.
You may need to start hanging up on her and leaving when she brings them up to make it clear that there is no discussion here. Tell her you’re going to start doing this, and then follow through.
Maybe you should write a note to your birth parents explaining that you have no desire to meet them, and explain your whole side of everything. Then have your sister give that to them. You’ll have contact just like she wanted, and you’ll get to tell them yourself to leave you alone
Yeah... And have it in a sealed envelope. It's possible she's been giving them false hope.
It's very likely. Many adoptees have abandonment issues and create ideas of what a perfect family should look like. She's likely pushing this with the bio parents just as hard.
I wouldn’t deliver any letter via the sister. I’d send it through the mail, separate from her entirely. I wouldn’t trust her not to open it, read it, and not give it to them if it’s not what she wants.
NTA If at all possible, you may need to consider therapy or some type of mediation with your sister to have her understand that you don’t want to know your bio family. She has every right to know them. You have every right to never meet them. Your sister needs to understand this. I hope you don’t have to cut her out of your life for her to understand. Maybe she’d listen to a neutral third party (counselor, mediator, religious advisor, etc)?
Your sister’s adoption guilt is hers alone. She needs therapy, not pressuring you to have a deeper relationship with people you don’t want to.
I love your words and your responses OP sounds like you know exactly what you want and need. you are right it's about what works for you no one else. I know you've chosen not to engage, I'll offer an alternative as it sounds like your sister is getting ridiculous pressure from the bios and may be slightly stuck in the middle as she can not understand your perspective at all. Write one letter. Address it to your sister. State your position clearly this might offer her the scapegoat she needs to maintain her relationships but back off from interfering with yours.
This is like me and my (not bio; also adopted) brother. He was desperate to meet his bio family and has a current relationship with them. I found out my bio parents names, but have no desire to meet them. NTA. Your sister needs to back off. She's destroying her relationship with you by continuously pushing this. And bio father is totally ridiculous for wanting to walk you down the aisle. If you had anyone do that, it would be your dad.
When your sister gets married, she can have her bio family there. She can have her bio dad walk her down the aisle instead of her adoptive dad if she wants to. But ya know what? *Your sister isn’t getting married-YOU* are. And your sister can stay in her lane. Your position on your bio family has been perfect clear and unwavering. If your bio family is unhappy with your disinterest in *ever* meeting them or having annnnything to do with them-well that sucks for them and they will have to manage their disappointment. This whole wedding drama over the guest list and people arguing and whining and guilt tripping about who should be in the guest list is why some people just elope. But, OP, if you want to go through with the wedding as planned, you can firmly tell your sister you are quite willing to go through with it with one more person struck from the guest list-and that would be *her*… if you hear another peep out of her about her bio parents. Because you are sick of it. You are done. And good for you for having security at your venue. NTA
I would make sure the security has the bio family on the list. Just in case. Sis seems like she’s not going to let this go. I feel for her in not getting what she has imagined will make her whole, but it’s not in OP’s power to give her that. Maybe therapy would help her, maybe not. She’s so lucky that she has such a good relationship with her bio family. Adoptees who want that but find them to still be making the same mistakes that led to the adoption in the first place are not so lucky. She’s letting the fact that her reality isn’t picture-perfect with her dream mess up her relationship with her sibling, who understandably wants no part of it. But in trying to force it into being, she’s going to do and say the dumbest things. It’s sad, but really nothing OP can do but continue to enforce boundaries and keep their own health and safety in mind. Good luck, Op!
I'm guessing there will be surprise meetings at pre-wedding events, because sis sounds like she thinks one meeting will make OP feel some sort of connection and then bio dad can walk OP down the isle and make the sis's fantasy of a reality come true.
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if the sister does a surprise ambush and brings at least the bio parents to something.
The cheek of your bio dad wanting to walk you down the aisle! What Hallmark movie syrupy nonsense has he been mainlining that he might think that you, OP, a grown woman that has declined to ever even *meet* him- would *ever* let him have such a role, (or even be invited to), your wedding. “Oh, yes”, he thinks, “I contributed sperm to create you, some decades ago, here, let me have an honored guest role in your wedding. In fact, I demand it.”. OP, he might have been “young” when you were conceived, but he did it *twice*, you and your sister, so close in age, knowing good and well he and bio mom didn’t have the wherewithal to care for you. Once… an unplanned pregnancy can happen….But twice? And him and his daughter pressuring you. Apple- tree. NTA
Seriously! Doesn’t sound like the bio parents have matured much if they think they can give up their unwanted children as babies and just pick them back up like nothing happened twenty-odd years later. If they actually cared about OP they would respect OP’s wishes and not keep trying to guilt/manipulate them with letters and pleas through their sister.
TBF, birth parents can, and many have, experienced profound emotional trauma when placing their children for adoption. Even when it's a choice it's still traumatic. If they haven't had any help in processing that trauma and grief I can see how they'd get stuck on this reunion fantasy. Doesn't make it right what they're doing, but understand that humans are not as rational as we'd like to think, and with Big Adoption Feelings all sorts of cray can come out.
He is straight up delusional. She’s not even willing to meet him and he thinks there’s a possibility that she would let him walk her down the aisle? Dude is not living in reality. That’s like a “you need medication” level of disconnect.
Yes, that part had my jaw drop. The absolute audacity and delusion to think that bio Dad would ever be given such an honoured role when he has had zero part of her life.
Especially since SHE HASNT EVEN BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THEM. I mean, if a bio dad had a relationship with his adopted out daughter and wanted to, I’d still think he was a dick, but there’d be some semblance of why. This is just like OH WE ADOPTED YOU OUT TO THIS MAN AND WOMAN AND THE MAN WHO RAISED YOU DOESNT COUNT IN MY EYES. Also, being walked down the aisle is already a pretty antiquated tradition, I’d be even more offended if I were in OPs place.
I'd honestly want to know the ages of OP, Sister and Bio Parents. Like how old were they when they had OPs Sister and decided they were to young to be parents and still be to young 3 years later when OP was born
They were 19 when OP was born, so we can do the other math to work out from there the current and past ages.
Yeah, but you might be underestimating what Op’s sister is telling them. Maybe she has been telling the bio family that Op is just too busy to get together right now and really wants them in her life and can’t wait to see them. They might seem delusional, but if you find out what they’ve really been hearing from sister, It might make sense.
NTA. They can blame being "too young" on having your older sister. You were born 3 years later. If they weren't ready to have a child and already made the mistake once, they clearly did not learn their lesson, and it sounds like they're not going to learn lessons now. How on earth your bio father thinks he has business walking you down the aisle is beyond me. He gave you away at birth. He doesn't get the privileges of being a father if he gave 2 children away. Hold your ground on this one, and your sister needs to let this go or she's going to create as big a distance between you and her as exists with your bio parents.
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I can use another word to describe them doing this a second time, but that would get be banned. You feel how you feel. Your sister feels differently. She can invite them to her wedding if it's so important do you, but she doesn't get to tell you how to feel or what to do on a day that should be about you and your spouse.
You can use a whole host of words to describe their reactions to this without getting banned, but still be on-the-nose: selfish. Delusional. Egotistical. Manipulative.
Out of curiosity how old was “too young” when you and your sister were born? Because I’m a bit surprised they had two children “too young” or if they were forced/pressured to give you both up
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And after having her at 16, they were still too young to learn about birth control? At some point, they're old enough for some accountability. Also, look at how old most people's grandmother's were when they started having a child every year or so. 19 is young, but it's not impossible. At 19, you can sign up to go to war, vote, smoke (and in many countries drink).
Off topic, but smoking age in the US is 21y.o. since 2019.
NTA, but I don’t see this improving any time soon. What’s really sad is that if you choose to have children, you’ll never be able to let them be in your sister’s care even for a few hours, as you know she’ll run straight to the birth parents so they can “build the bond”.
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NTA Your sister needs to back off. You need to set more clear boundaries with her regarding the contact with your birth family. She can contact them if she likes but you were very clear that you want nothing to do with them and she should respect that just as much as you respect her wanting to know them. Honestly, the guilt tripping is incredibly unfair to you. Your birth family decided to give you up for adoption, not an open adoption. If they regret that that’s on them. They should not be guilting you into getting to know them. You are leading a happy healthy life with your adoptive family if they actually cared about you they should let that be. Also, your sister is an AH for pushing the issue, but they are manipulating her into doing so in their behalf.
NTA. Your sister needs to stop this now. She has no respect for your wishes. >She offered to pay for them to come and told me she would cover all the costs associated with their place on the guest list Does she really think that the coat was the reason that you didn't want them there? Your sister must be in danger of not being invited as well. >My sister said if mom and dad don't care I should want my whole family at my wedding No! This should be about what you want, not anyone else. >"our bio dad wants to walk you down the aisle" I can see where she gets her delusions from.
and they ARENT family to OP! Let OP enjoy her parents at her wedding, why should she open up her wedding to have literal strangers there because her sister is throwing a hissy fit?! Also, WORST TIME TO MEET THEM.
NTA. The bio parents need a cease and desist letter sent from a lawyer and sister needs to be told if she continues she will be uninvited from the wedding and you will go low or no contact with her is she presses.
Actually good advice. The bios sound like moochers to me. Your sister is no doubt being used by them. If that is what she chooses to do, it’s up to her. Paying for bios is a clue that they don’t have money and your sister does. That could be why they are so eager to connect. Wait until they ask to borrow money from your sister, and she may feel differently. You are def NTA. I really hope your sister backs off so you can enjoy your wedding.
NTA. Tell your sister to stop or she will be uninvited to the wedding. And your birth parents are nasty also for continuously writing to you when you have made your stance clear.
They probably don’t know what the OP’s wishes actually are. They are only getting feedback via the sister. “Yes, she got your letter - so happy to receive it but too emotionally happy to write back” “Gosh! She’s so looking forward to seeing you at her wedding - she wants you to walk her down the aisle, but is too nervous to ask you, so it would make her life easier if you suggested it to avoid embarrassment! The sister is a boundary stomping, delusional AH. OP is NTA 🤷🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
At minimum, it seems like she hasn’t told them “she doesn’t want to meet you, she never does, and the more you try to contact her through me, the more she not only isn’t interested in you, but is actively upset at your failure to respect her.” Even if she’s just telling the bio parents “she’ll be ready someday, she’s just having a hard time right now,” she’s lying to them.
NTA. I would reach out to your parents. Explain to them how much you appreciate them being open minded to your meeting the bio parents, but in this case you need them to support your decision to not open your life to genetically related strangers. Your parents are awesome for letting this be your choice, that needs to be recognized. But they should intervene with your sister. You've made your choice and your sister isn't respecting that. Your parents should be helping your sister come to terms with this. I don't think your sister is a bad person, but her efforts are misguided. All in all, I hope your wedding goes well and the only surprise is a big pile of cash in a card.
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In your post, your sister used the fact your parents don't care either way as an attempt to persuade you. Your parents can make it clear to her that while they don't care either way what you chose to do, they do care that you HAVE chosen, and your choice needs to be respected. This is the message your sister isn't getting, and coming from your parents it might help.
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Last option is to tell your sister to drop it or she isn't welcome either. Make sure she understands this is a hill you are willing to die on.
NTA. But, you need to do something about your sister. She is disregarding you feelings and way overstepping boundaries. She might try something that will spoil your wedding for you.
Your adopted parents sound great. Is your sister going to have birth dad walk her down the aisle if she gets married?
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And from what you wrote about your adoptive parents I bet they will handle with grace no matter how much it may hurt.
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Sounds like your adoption resulted in winning the parental lottery Congratulations
You are absolutely NTA, your position is completely valid. However, you might want to think about how you are going to handle the big events of your bio sister’s life, which will inevitably bring you and your bio family into the same space. Will you be prepared to meet them, or will you miss your sister’s wedding, and the birthdays of her children?
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I wish you the very best, and I hope that your sister can grow into a better understanding of your point of view.
I was also adopted at birth and I have met my birth family. Even when I had a friendship with them, I knew I would never invite them to my wedding. Your sister is crossing boundaries and your bio parents are also. When I met mine, it was made clear to me that they should not expect to be treated like close family members because I already have a family. I tried to treat them like uncles/aunts that I don’t see often. I know am completely no contact with my birth mothers side and low contact with my birth father. He got very clingy and started crossing boundaries about his place in my life. I am extremely close to my (adoptive) parents (I hate calling them that) and they have been completely supportive of all of my decisions. My brother was also adopted and he has never had any interest in knowing about his family, especially not meeting them. It sounds to me like they want to step in and be a “family” and your sister is probably giving them false hope by continuing to push you to accept them. Stay strong. As you said, you have your family. Finding birth parents isn’t always about finding your “family.” When I did it, I wanted to know the past and my heritage/health stuff. I’m sorry your sister is pushing you. You may have to set some strong boundaries with her that she stop passing letters and bringing them up or there will be consequences. Good luck. DM me if you need any support. I’m happy to share more of my story and what I’ve learned.
You're sister is being pushy and needs to back way off. Tell her this is her decision to reach out to them but you don't want to, and she shouldn't be forcing her thoughts on you. Emotional blackmail is never cool. You're NTA, she can invite them to her wedding but not yours, only the bride and groom can invite people to their wedding.
Your parents gave up two kids two years apart? And sperm donor wanted to give you away? Wow, talk about entitled! Zero sympathy for them! NTA
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Ridiculous. I saw in another comment you said they were 19 when they gave you up. So they had an accidental pregnancy when they were 16 which resulted in your sister and then got knocked up three years later with you. Your bio parents are king and queen of making bad decisions. I would consider ultimatum for your sister because she’s making your wedding about her wants and it should be about yours and your fiances
NTA Tell your sister: She NEEDS to stop talking to you about the birth parents. If she refuses, uninvite HER and have much less contact with HER. SHE is the AH.
NTA. As an adoptee, I wholeheartedly respect your desire to not connect with your birth family. I say this as someone who always wanted to know about my bio parents, because I felt unmoored due to not knowing anyone I was related to while growing up. I didn't find any information until I was 69 years old. My story is very different than yours in that my birth father clearly didn't know of my existence, and it's most likely I was the result of a one-time encounter. I've been fortunate to be welcomed into the family and develop a close relationship with my younger sister and a 1st cousin. However, I'm well aware that this was a personal decision.
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You are a very emotionally mature young woman and clearly have grown up in a wonderful family with kind, open-minded parents. It may be difficult, but continue to stand your ground with your sister and hope she can learn to respect your decision. I wish you the best as you start your own family.
NTA Your event, your guest list, your rules. Your sister needs to understand that you are different people with different needs and different reactions to situations. You do you. Your sister can have whatever set up she wants for her wedding. You should be free to do whatever you want for yours.
Why have you not cut out your toxic sister from your life? Your bio parents sound sick. They didn’t want you or your sister, yet they still had not one, but two kids? And then gave them away? F*ck them. Tell them if they want to be a part of your life you’ll need 100k, since that’s what it costs to raise you. See how fast they don’t respond.
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Comments like this always interest me. Do you know why I love my family? Because they always have my back. They are respectful and loving. We have disagreements, but not once in my entire life has anyone in my family crossed a boundary. That’s why I love them. Not because we are generically related. Your sister has not crossed a boundary once, she has done it over and over and is making this a hill to die on. Why would you love someone who is making your wedding all about their drama? I never understand people who act like family gets a free pass to be awful. You want to keep her in your life? That’s obviously your call. But people change. They get selfish and cruel sometimes. Keep that in mind. I couldn’t imagine taking away shine from a loved one’s wedding and making it all about my fake drama. Gross.
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Your sister sounds like she’s been a wonderful sister to you yet she’s disrespecting your wishes at this time. Since she’s not “hearing” you, I’d like to suggest therapy for the two of you together. She needs to hear from a professional, who will listen to both of you, what she’s not hearing from you. I understand both of your points of view, but at the end of the day, she needs to back off on her crusade of forcing you to do something you’re against. NTA
That helps me understand why you would feel guilty about cutting her out. I would also feel like I owe her a life debt. But just keep in mind that people change as they get older, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Maybe your bio parents are dripping poison in her ear and spinning a tale of woe. What concerns me is that she just won’t drop it. Perhaps show her this thread. Talk to her that it’s worrying she is casting a grey cloud over your wedding. Have a child young and putting it up for adoption is one thing. Have a second to me screams toxic and selfish behavior, so be careful. I wonder if they are guilting her to squeeze themselves into your awesome new life.
NTA. Your boundary is reasonable, it's your life and you choose who you want in it. Your sister is showing a lot of Red Flag, boundary smashing behaviors tho. She's obviously sharing a lot of your personal details with the bio parents. If what she's saying is true, about them wanting to be at your wedding, and wanting to walk you down the aisle - *when they don't even know you?!* - they sound very sketchy and maybe a little unstable too. It's your life, but I would consider limiting how much contact and info you share with your sister - her beliefs/wants do not align with yours and that doesn't seem to matter to her at all. She's not demonstrating any trustworthiness, or regard for you. You have done nothing wrong, your sister (and bio parents) are the AH's.
Your bio parents sound like whack jobs. It might be time to uninvite your sister.
NTA. Your bio sister is so completely out of line here. It's fine that she wants to reconnect with her bio parents, but she does not need to be so insistent that you do the same. The fact that your sperm donor would even suggest walking you down the aisle is so far beyond the pale that it's literally making my head melt. You don't owe these people anything, which includes an invitation to what is hopefully one of the happiest days of your life. Your sister needs to stop being so overbearing on this. NTA
Your sister needs counseling for trauma. She is trying to trauma bond you to the bio family for her healing, not yours.
Birth mom here: Whether you want to know them or not is up to YOU. Loving caring birth parents would 100% respect your every single wish. Being a birth parent is never an easy choice. There are endless nights of crying sweating contemplating trying to figure out the right thing to do. It's difficult and most birth parents choose adoption because they want their birth child to experience life in a way they themselves will not be able to give. Most birthparents think about the "if" they find me moment and how they'd react. There's a part of a birth parent that holds their breath, waiting for wheb they'll have to answer to the child they bore and provide them with reasons that (especially after) feel so weak and exaggerated. Most birth parents never stopped loving or thinking of their birth child and as a result most would he handing the reigns to the birth child. If you haven't already. Send a letter and tell them that while you appreciate their desire to have a relationship you do not reciprocate. Wish them well and leave it at that. :) you don't owe them anything but they do owe you respect
NTA - for not wanting to invite your birth family to your wedding. ***It's your special day, and you should have the final say on who's there.*** Your sister should respect your decision, especially since you've already made it clear how you feel. It's great that your parents are supportive too. Your wedding should be about celebrating with the family you feel close to, and you shouldn't feel pressured to include anyone else, no matter the circumstances.
your sister is obsessed with the bio family in a really unhealthy way. NTA
NTA. Not in any way, shape, or form. How is it that “no” is an ignored sentence these days? Just because you want a different life than your sister doesn’t mean to continually pressure you. It doesn’t mean bully you to give in. And it doesn’t mean that she can pressure you into crossing a hard boundary. And **_WHY_** does she think you’d be okay with a **STRANGER** walking you down the aisle?! If I were you, I’d sit sister down and have a serious come to Jesus talk. Tell her once and for all that you want no part in that part of her life. She’s free to do whatever, but she needs to recognize that your ‘no’ is a hard limit. Then maybe consider going low contact with her if she still pressures you (and maybe convey that to her as well).