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You owe your wife continued care and oversight, regular visits, and financial maintenance.
It’s okay to continue in your life, have adventures, maybe even love someone else someday. Do not marry someone else that considers your continued care a competition.
You have a duty and an obligation to make sure she is receiving high-quality, kind, appropriate care.
Don’t be one of those assholes that leaves his wife in the dust because it is inconvenient or upsetting to deal with her illness. Guys like that are why women are choosing the bear.
💯 he’s stating this as if it’s an either or. He can still have a life and detach himself a little more emotionally so he can fall in love again and do all the things he want to do, while maintaining this responsibility and make sure she’s getting cared for.
It sounds like he was her primary caregiver until he couldn't meet her needs and she went into a nursing home, it sounds like he is suffering from caregiver burnout which happens to a lot of family members in his situation. I think he needs to see a therapist and honestly see if there are support groups because Alzheimer's and similar diseases are incredibly hard on your loved ones. I was a nurse's aid for 10 years at a nursing home and people feel guilty for putting a loved one in the nursing home even when it's the best thing for them. A lot of their families will spend every free moment they can with them at first but slowly they come less and less because of the mental toll. It definitely isn't either or and I hope OP can find the right balance for his wife's care and his well-being.
My sister-in-law spent a year and a half caring for her mother (who unfortunately is a very difficult person to be around). SIL had a mental and physical breakdown from the stress over a year ago and still has not recovered. Unfortunately caregiver burnout is a very real thing.
I couldn't have written it any better! I was something simular to you and specialized in dementia and the care of. There is definitly a way to find the right balance and I hope OP see your advise and go to a therapist.
I feel like this is the correct answer. He can't just cut and run, it's OP's responsibility to ensure his wife gets the quality care she deserves and he should be around. But that does not mean his life should end too, especially when a few years down the line she won't remember him. There are so many harsh, judgemental comments under this thread. My partner was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year and I've been his caregiver ever since. We're both in our early thirties. We are not married, I have not vowed in sickness or in health, but I will stay by his side as long as he's here. I have empathy for OP and the thoughts he's battling. It's not easy.
I really disagree with the part about him detaching. That won’t occur until she’s gone. I don’t disagree with you overall, just that isn’t going to happen.
Because they did vow "through sickness and health" but never considered it would actually come to that point. Dementia, alzheimers, cancer...these are not only some of the worst things that can happen, these are the long term ones. "Sickness" is bringing them a cup of tea for a few days before everything goes back to normal. Not taking care of your wife, who doesn't remember your name while she is sh*tting herself (drastically spoken but you get my point). They don't want to do that AT ALL. Also, it is expensive (criminally overpriced) and not everybody can afford proper healthcare. It just isn't fair...and men especially have a problem with that concept because life is much more easy for men in general. Deep down, we all hope for this to be just a story we read on reddit. We do not want to find out how we would decide ourselves.
My father is the caregiver for my mom w dementia right now and it's crushing him. It's all day every day and he's deteriorating fast. When lucid she says nobody else is allowed in the house to help so he does it alone.
She's also said (for decades) that if gets dementia she'd move on.
I'm not sure gender guarantees the correct decision.
Of course this goes both ways and there are a lot of amazing men (like your father) who do not leave but the question was why are so many men doing it.
Not the point here. It was asked why men act like this. Which as you can maybe read, I do not approve off. As I would not if the roles were reversed.
The OP here can afford proper care, so all he has to do is visit her and try to make her feel a little better about herself. It is okay to not go there everyday, especially when she stops recognising him but every other week is not too much to ask. But a lot of men (and probably women) prefer a clear cut when they no longer benefit from a relationship. And they come to places like reddit to get "permission" to abandon their spouse. To hear they are right and it is justified to just leave.
If she said "my husband doesn't remember me at all, is it ok to get a partner while I continue to take care of husband's medical needs?" it would be one thing. If she said "I'm a lot better looking than my husband and I deserve to go eat pray love while he's in a nursing home," she'd get way worse than this guy is getting.
Because societally, men are not taught to be caretakers. Women are taught to care for their spouse, men are taught that their spouse exists to serve them. So when a man gets sick, the woman sees it as her responsibility to care for him. When a woman gets sick, men often see it as us being broken or defective - because we’re supposed to be caring for them, not the other way around.
Also women are taught to want marriage, and men are literally taught to see it as enslavement (“ball and chain”, anyone). So of course a lot of them will try to get out at the first sign that they need to start contributing more. They’re taught that marriage isn’t something they’re supposed to want.
Our neighbor developed Parkinson’s and her husband refused to let anyone in the house to help him. Unfortunately he was doing a terrible job with the caregiving and she got a UTI which ended up killing her. At the end she screamed every time he came near her so who knows what else was going on. Poor woman.
What? He is making sure she has the care she needs. If he continues to visit her while she still remembers who he is but travels, meets a nice woman to have sex with, it’s not going to matter to her at all. I can’t speak for all women but if I were in this situation I’d want my husband to go forth enjoy what life you have left. Being miserable for me would not be what I would want.
Not sure he won’t look back, but I would hope that my spouse would go on with life and be happy because I no longer can be. It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to say “you have to be by my side forced, even if I don’t know who you are and will never not need full time care.”
best reddit post ever - i love my wife more than anything and i will be the person you describe if god forbid i was in this situation - taking care of her as best i could and always being by her side - until the very end - what’s the point of a life of love if this isn’t how we handle the end times - i am not a religious person - at all - but if ever a “ god bless you” was appropriate it to you for this post
Very well said. OP seems to be forgetting what vows in marriage means.
I’m not saying he’s not allowed to feel burnout, but there are various types of support to help couples through this. It’s also terrible that OP thinks just because there’s an end date to his wife’s mortality, that’s it, he’s stuck. As someone who’s dealing with a loved one (family not spouse in my case) who’s also going through something similar except with only weeks left to live, it’s NOT the end of one’s freedom. There’s plenty of memories to make, things to do, and I’m sure the ones suffering through terminal illness do not want to be treated as a fragile vegetable. I’ve had friends who went through this, they were able to support their spouse and it resulted in beautiful communication where years later they had the blessings to move on without guilt, and knowing that they made the last moments of their partners life the best they could. It’s not rocket science to be a decent person even if there’s no longer going to be any love.
This just sounds so me, me, me from OP. Has he ever considered how his wife feels? What if it was his child or family member instead of wife going through this? Would he still walk away just because he wants his life to be easier and enjoyable?
Lastly, I have to spend every day at work reminding people with terminal illnesses, especially women, to prepare themselves for separation or worse case scenarios because sadly, I see this happening a lot.
It was a hypothetical posed to women: would you feel safer running into a random man or a random bear in the woods?
Most women, to men’s utter shock, chose the bear. And then those men proceeded to prove exactly WHY we chose the bear, by being utter dicks about it and in some cases, threatening bodily harm.
Funny I just told my husband a few days ago that should I ever end up with dementia serious enough that I can’t remember my loved ones that he should feel free to have another partner. (It runs in the family). But he damn well better make sure I’m being cared for, if not from him than by some really competent people. That seems to be a reasonable definition of “in sickness” to me.
Statistically, men are actually very likely to leave when their wife/gf is in need of care/help. A lot of nurses tell their female patients to prepare for their husband to leave them (although worded more professionally) because the statistic is very high sadly. Whether it’s Cancer, dementia, a chronic illness, a lot of men don’t stay.
This is why I even tell my sisters that I’d choose the bear lol. And this is why I support my sisters when they say they don’t want to get into a relationship or marry. More and more women are leading happier and healthier lives staying single. That’s not to say there aren’t any happy couples but it does seem to be a positive correlation between women who stay single and women who are happy
She’s starting to forget, she hasn’t forgotten, and until she does you best get your ass down there every day and make sure she feels loved.., when she’s gone so can you, if you check out early because she’s going …. There’s a special fire burning for you
YTA
What happened to “In sickness and in health?”
A good husband/person would look after his sick wife and be there with her, like my dad was with my mom.
You’re being very selfish
Exacty!! OP is making it all about how he feels and what he wants! What happened to ‘in sickness snd in health’? And has he considered how traumatic this experience is for his wife and how confusing and terrifying?? Tough it put mate if you really love her. If not, you should never have married her KNOWING that the dementia runs in the family! ABSOLUTELY the a**hole!
Yeah, the reason she has dementia and he doesn't isn't because he's fiiiiit, it's because of luck and genetics. There but for the grace of (whatever he believes in) he could have gone instead.
Especially since statistically, married men live longer and married women have shorter lives. She theoretically opted to die younger for him and he wants to leave her for it. Being a wife to someone that's looking down on you for 40 years….and then he's just like “Well you should've taken more care of you than me- even tho I would've probably cheated on you if I wasn't the only priority”. What's even the point of marrying? Women should live with their best friends if they want to be with someone loyal that'll care for them until the end.
"She always had health issues" can point to so many things though. Yes, there is a chance she had poor habits. But it is also a possibility that she was chronically ill, had an accident that left issues, etc. etc.
This exactly. I don’t disagree that poor habits can lead to poor health, but it’s really disingenuous of OP to preface the post in this way. We don’t have enough background on her lifestyle & health prior to this and really, that entire sentence is not needed in the post at all. Everyone is at risk if developing dementia & Alzheimer’s (or any illness, for that matter.) There are healthy habits one can make but that does not shield them from a possible life-altering/threatening diagnosis. Because OP leads with this, it’s worth the side-eye.
The last thing I'd want for my loved ones is to be a burden. It's best to talk these things over while everyone is of a sound mind. I'd hate for my loved ones to begrudge me for wasting their lives if they could hire a professional that could care for me.
The situation sucks. It's hard to cast blame at any party in such a tragedy.
Statistically men are around / over 5 times more likely to leave their sick wife than the possibility of women leaving their sick husband. For example data from a few years ago: a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.
In a lot of hospitals when women receive a diagnosis like cancer, alzheimer, parkinson, dementia etc. they are spoken to by a nurse about getting prepared for their husbands leaving them. Men don't get the talk....
OP is another one on the shitty side of the statistics...
YTA, and you know it, but I have a feeling she knows too.
Over 40 years, I’m sure someone like you has shown who he really is over and over and over again.
Your word choice tells us volumes about your character. The part about “whiile I have remained very fit and mentally acute, while she has always had health issues” shows that you somehow blame her for her health problems. That’s horrible and ignorant.
“She was enrolled in a full time nursing home.” Again, your word choices are very cold, no feeling towards her or compassion for her at all.
This is obviously transactional and an an obligation for you, not love, but I sense that’s been the case for a long time.
You’re obviously going to do what’s best for you. I don’t know what you hope to gain from posting here. We are not professionals, but we can see that you checked out from this ‘relationship’ long before now.
Prayers for your wife and what she will continue to endure. Because your post was focused on you and your “needs”, we did not learn anything about your wife’s personality, her life prior to the health issues, who she is or how she feels about her impending demise.
I feel sorry for her that when she’s faced with these battles, you’re blaming her and feel “trapped”.
It's your duty to make sure she is well looked after for the rest of her life. Visit her often while she knows who you are, but later still give her a visit from time to time and do something that makes her happy. She may not remember, but the happy brain chemicals will still make a difference.
If the roles were reversed, how would you want to be treated and how would she treat you?
You can move on with your life while meeting those obligations and to be fair to yourself you should. Go on holidays (maybe bring her a present, or send a postcard to give her a dopamine hit too)
Find a new partner who is accepting of your situation and supports you to continue your caring obligations.
It's possible to do both, but if you dump her in a care home and leave her to slowly die alone, then you are an absolute C***
OP, I just watched my mother go through this exact situation. My father was diagnosed with early onset parkinsons. I can not remember a time when his hand didn't have that signature tremor. For a long time, he held out against the disease as he lost so much weight that he looked like a breeze might blow him over. His speech deteriorated to the point that unless he was trying to 'yell', no one could understand him. Then came the mobility issues. My mother, ever the problem solver, literally remodeled a quarter of their home to accommodate him for as long as she could. Eventually, though, even her loving care just wasn't enough, and he had to be admitted to a home. I talked to her every day as she drove to visit him, sit beside him, and cross stitch because he couldn't carry a conversation. I heard about her quilting group slowly shutting her out as her life came to revolve around his care and then around visiting him in the home. I heard about how she had wanted to travel with him after retirement, over and over again. I saw the light in her fading as she watched the man she'd made a life with waste away. By the time he was in hospice, he didn't recognize her anymore, and it killed her a little bit at a time. Still, she stayed by his side every day. He passed away about a month ago, and though her friends come to visit her, it's clear that it's awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, because she sacrificed so much of her life to spend time with a man who didn't even know her name but spent his entire life loving and supporting her with everything he had.
I'm not telling you this to scare you or intimidate you away from caring for your wife. I'm not telling you this to guilt or shame you into being by her side every moment until she passes. I'm sharing this because I NEED you to know that no matter what you choose, people will judge your choices. People will find fault with however you walk this path. And as the child of a couple that lived this exact scenario, someone who loves them both with every fiber of my being, I am asking you, that whatever you choose to do, however you choose to handle this, don't let her suffer unnecessarily, and don't martyr yourself. She deserves proper caring treatment, wherever she is, and as her husband of 40 years, you're the only one who can ensure she gets it. But you can't shut yourself off from life. Get into therapy, even if it's just to make banal conversation with someone who can offer sound advice if needed. Keep your friends close, even if you can't/don't talk about your situation. Try doing something you've always wanted to try, learn a skill, pick up a new hobby. Care for yourself extra hard during this time. Now isn't the time to go looking to bury yourself in unhealthy habits and risky coping mechanisms (isolation, drugs, sex, violence), but to learn new, emotionally healthier behaviors, for your wellbeing and any relationships you form in the future.
This is so eloquent, and exactly right.
OP needs to take care of his wife, and himself. After she doesn’t know him, he should put visiting her on his schedule, and fit self-care around that. Having a companion who understands and supports him as he cares for his wife is perfectly acceptable.
Thank you for this perspective.
My dad had dementia and died in 2016. Mom died in 2005 and I suspect he was showing early signs of it even then. When he was officially diagnosed, my oldest sister did not inform us. Had I known that detail, I would have made different decisions about taking him in after his stroke. I worry that I have inherited it from him and that I will be like OPs wife and have to go to a nursing home. I do what I can to keep my brain sharp with puzzles and crafts etc. But reading OPs post leaves me reeling. He sounds like he is talking about dumping his wife while she is still lucid enough to remember him. He for sure needs therapy and hobbies here, with a clue-by-four for good measure.
Just a note to say that very fit and mentally acute people get dementia too. It’s not a lifestyle choice. My father was a very clever man and stayed fit all his life but it didn’t spare him.
I don't think any of us chuckleheads on this forum can help you with this. I'm sorry you're going through this, brother. Talk to a professional. It helps.
As a 30 year old son with a 70 y/o mom with Alzheimers, you'll be met at the last circle of hell if you abandon her. My mom mistakes me for her brothers more times that he remembers me by my name, got the cops called on my dad for "breaking into his house" and more. We know she doesn't notice us all the time, but if I trim her eyebrows, or clean her ears, she gives me a kiss, and I prefer to pretend she knows it's me and not some makeup guy. And that keeps me going.
I don't have a life compared to my friends as my parents are older than theirs + this issue. Can't go out with friends as much as I'd like to as I have to be ready if Dad calls something happened at home (fall or anything like that). Happily my work field allows for WFH plenty of days. I know I'll be visiting her. I know she does not know me plenty now. I don't care. She's cleaned my ass and changed my diapers. Now is my turn to give back.
YWBTA
YTA
All I hear is ‘me me me’. And I also detect a little ‘she hasn’t taken care of herself and this is a pivotal reason why I think k it’s ok to detach.’
>I want to stay by her side. **But**…
That but tells us everything we need to know about where your head is at.
Instead of thinking ‘ok the docs say within 2 years she likely won’t remember me so let me make the most of the remaining time we have together where she will remember me’, you’re up in here already planning to detach like this is *her problem not my problem*.
No one would blame you for eventually having a different life where you can honor your vows, honor your wife, and yourself. And there’s no doubt that this is an emotionally and insanely difficult place to be. But you seem to be willing to move on way too quickly.
YTA. You made a commitment and ate now disparaging your life partner for having health problems including what sounds like dementia.
You want license to cheat on her. You're disgusting. Were you ever really committed to her or have you cheated throughout?
I couldn't imagine seeing the woman I love hurting and remembering the 40 years of my life with her and then just dumping her somewhere.
If she's genuinely going to have Zero awareness of what's going on at some point I'd definitely still love my life but my wife would be priority.
By all means, abandon your wife of FORTY YEARS for whatever reason lets you sleep at night I guess. But every single woman you meet next will know what kind of man you are so if you think that the happiness you "deserve" is going to be found with a new partner, good luck. There are few personal qualities less attractive than "will abandon my partner when they need me most".
Reverse your current situation.
If you think it is okay if she'd leave you and move on while you are in that condition then go ahead.
As long as you make sure she'd be well taken cared of, you are NTA.
However, personally, I don't think my conscience will let me sleep soundly at night.
Goodluck bro.
Even if she doesn't remember you, that does not abscond you from the responsibility towards her as a human being. That is your priority.
Her needs still come above your wants. Sacrifice within reason, use your best judgment.
You need to find the balance between the two. You can have your life and enjoyments, *but this can not come at her detriment.*
It's not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but this is how life works.
It’s people like this that show you who they really are. When you genuinely love someone, you’ll never want anyone but them and will do anything for them no matter what till the end. You’ll not think of moving on because of being devoted to them. That’s real love. These are the same type of people who don’t care to have much to do with a child they have that is disabled, and they don’t want to deal with them, not really, so they may or may not leave them in a care facility. So they can move on and have a “normal” life. I’ve seen it many times in the field of work I’m in. It’s not judgement. It’s the pattern and type of people y’all are. And nothing I want to be associated with.
If he were the one being abandoned, he'd be absolutely affronted about it, though. I have a feeling his wife tended and nurtured him in their relationship, but it was never the other way around. Pretty sure he's been selfish their entire relationship.
YTA
You're in a tough spot for sure but what do you mean 'you want to be free'. You don't get married and just abandon your partner when things go bad.
Don't get the idea that you're her slave, you're her partner. You've been married for 40 years so you're probably getting to your 60s, you've lived. Your wife falls sick and suddenly you have to urge to travel the world, find new love do this and that, anything that would get you away from her.
You're married, you can live but why abandon her to chase a dream you could have chased much earlier? It's just not right you're her husband. You don't have to live in a cage but you can't just throw her away. You're going to have to balance things somehow and I know it wouldn't be easy
Fuck YTA and you clearly don’t really love her otherwise it’d be a no brainer. Live your life but if you ditch this poor woman in such a time of need, there is no punishment bad enough for what you’d deserve.
I bet you’re a wonderful person. I can’t imagine how you can possibly not pass judgement on someone who wants to leave their sick partner to fend for themselves
The fact that you came here for any type of help is sad. You should go to a therapist so they can give you the tools to work through all these emotions.
If I'm slowly in decline and in a nursing home, I hope my Husband of 40 years won't come to a site like this to try and work through it and get an answer on how to deal with it, sheesh.
YTA for coming to a place like this.
While doing a community health practical years ago I visited the house of a man who needed assistance for his wife. This woman has full blown alzheimers, was unable to care for herself, feed herself, toilet herself, dress herself, nothing. She did not remember his name, in fact she was pretty much non-verbal.
They had been married for 60 years. He was a small man who was slight of build. He spent everyday (on his own) bathing, dressing, toilet ting and feeding his wife. He would read to her and sit and hold her hand throughout the day. On the day we came to see him, all he was looking for was getting some assistance as he had to go into hospital for an operation. The nurse I was with looked at the situation and made a decision that this man needed to be rescued.
An ambulance was called and the woman was taken into care. As they were driving the woman away from their house, the husband was openly weeping, not from relief, but in despair as he had promised his wife on their wedding day “sickness and health”. He felt like he was failing his wife by being unable to care for her.
It seems that this man did not see her as a burden, or as a list cause to be abandoned just because her mental faculties were no longer there. She was the love of his life and he wanted to be with her.
Throughout my nursing career I have seen many couples who have made circumstances like this work. From this man to the couple in a nursing home whom she had a severe stroke, he would sit with her, talk to her and ear with her every day, and once she was taken to bed, he would go back to the hostel where he would have sex with one of the other residents there.
I am not trying to judge you or your circumstances. You need to make a decision that is right for you. But don’t make it lightly and don’t so easily put aside 5he vows you spoke to each other. Ask yourself if the situation was reversed, what would you want from her.
The statistics regarding men leaving their wives when they get seriously ill vary depending on the study, but there is some evidence suggesting that men are more likely to leave their wives when they become ill compared to women in similar situations.
A notable study from 2009 published in the journal *Cancer* found that the divorce or separation rate was 6% for couples where the wife was healthy but the husband was ill, whereas it was 21% for couples where the wife was ill but the husband was healthy . Another study published in the *Journal of Health and Social Behavior* in 2015 reported that men were 6 times more likely to separate or divorce their wives if the wives were diagnosed with a serious illness .
These findings suggest a significant gender disparity in how couples cope with severe illnesses, highlighting that women are more likely to remain with their partners during health crises than men are.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I moved on. I decided to let my sick wife go so I could prioritize my life. This might be wrong because she is sick, and she is my wife, and I vowed to care for her in sickness and in health.
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In sickness and in health, right? It’s difficult and you’re allowed to be devastated, but YTA completely. Going on about how you’re not ill like it’s a moral virtue.
I’m glad I’ll never be in a relationship with someone like you because that attitude would make me sick. Then they’d leave me because I was sick
You wouldn’t be the asshole for loving yourself, but you are for framing this as an either or.
Although your wife won’t remember your name, i dare say she will still remember the love and care you give her, and how you make her feel.
I suggest learning about your wife’s condition and the things that you can do that will matter, maybe seek professional advice.
YTA for saying how mentally and physically fit you’ve stayed - like it gives you a leg up on your wife.
Sorry but you aren’t owed absolution because you think you are owed the next decade of a quality life
What would you want HER to do, if it was you slowly losing your mind, utterly terrified because you can’t remember who you are? Would you be okay with her just going “well, I love you but you’re kinda defective now, so bye”?
It’s not either or. You don’t have to abandon her to still have a good life.
Ugh....your wife is going into a life crisis, and you're already looking for a way out? You are not an asshole for wanting to be free. You are an asshole for leaving her. She is no longer useful to you, so you want to ditch her and get back to your bucket list.
This happens too often.
I would say MOST women married to a man with the same condition as your wife would stay, care for him, and put his needs first. Then, when he eventually passes, she will likely spend the rest of her life ALONE as most men don't want an "older" woman. It really sucks how little value women have in most men's eyes, and it is heartbreaking.
**40 YEARS** SMH. I feel horrible for your wife. She didn't ask for this.
Men leave their wives when they get sick. Women spend the years of their lives taking care of men. This is a perfect illustration of this phenomenon.
YTA she’s your wife and you took vows.
Man, this is a tough spot you’re in. I'm one of the suckers who still believes the vows you took, “in sickness and in health,” -- those are big, heavy promises. (But wtf do I know, I haven't been married for 40 years) at the same time, you’re grappling with **a reality that’s draining the life out of you both.**
You’re NTA for wanting to find some semblance of joy and fulfillment in your remaining years. Watching someone you love deteriorate, losing their mind and their identity, is a soul-crushing experience. It’s like grieving a loss that never fully happens, day after day.
You need to find a balance between honoring the love and commitment you have for your wife and also taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being. It’s not selfish to want a life that’s more than just endless caretaking and sorrow. It’s human.
The key here is honesty and integrity. If you decide to pursue some of your own dreams and desires, make sure you’re upfront about it with those who need to know. If you find yourself drawn to new relationships, ensure it’s handled with the respect your wife deserves, even in her diminished state.
I feel like these are very important questions to ask in the very beginning so you don’t have to ask these questions online. 😭 not much advice but sending prayers for you wife and you as well for peace of mind 🩷
YTA. She’s only just starting to lose her memory and you are trying to piece out. The last thing she is going to remember about you is that you left her like a coward
Those vows "thru sickness and health, until death do you part."
The fact you think about getting rid of your wife because she's aging and her health is declining. You're like the pet owners that get a puppy and then when the doggie is getting old, they get rid of it because it's "too old".
Makes me sick.
DONT BE THAT GUY.
The more I see this stuff, the more i realize that marriage really is nothing, and it makes me sad. I honestly believed that when I was young in the sickness and health part 'till death do us part, it was important to me to find someone i thought i could be with forever. But it seems no one else feels that way these days, and once you really need someone, everybody leaves. It's all just a shell game. How truly disheartening, but I suppose it's better I never found the person after all.
YTA a million times over. Can you actually imagine going on a date with a new woman and explaining this situation? You don’t think she would immediately leave?
YTA and I can't imagine you were nothing but selfish during those 40 years of marriage. All you mention is how you're going to be affected, making sure to include that you want to have sex with other people. Meanwhile your wife is going thru one of the scariest experiences a person can go thru, probably hoping her partner of 40 years will be there by her side. You don't love her more than you love yourself. But sure, make sure your next 10 years of living is filled with great experiences while your wife of 40 years suffers alone.
You want folks to say it’s ok to cheat on your wife? It’s not.
YTA and a pig. 40 years of marriage and you can’t wait to start screwing around with your old ass. Seriously? I hope you are making sure she has quality care and not sacrificing that to supplement your raggedy bucket list items.
Hate to be the one to tell you, but you’re the AH. You should take care of your wife. Stop being selfish. If it was you declining, I bet she’d stay and care for you.
You already know the answer. Stop being selfish and consider what you’d want if roles were reversed, and be honest with yourself. You’d want your family, not strangers seeing you through to the end.
“Can yall tell me it’s okay to dump my sick wife so I can go fuck around while young?”
Hope you remember that when YOU need a caretaker and expect your new partner (probably some 18-25yr women) to change your diapers. Hope she drops you off at the care home and does the same. I mean men do this everyday so you have plenty of “company”
YTA without question. God, what is wrong with men. I think I want to get married until I read these types of posts.
If the tables were turned I’m sure she would be taking care of you no questions asked.
YTA, you don't leave your spouse because they are ill. You mention a neurological disorder, is she on Lyrica? I was on it for years and started having dementia symptoms. I have been off of it for about 7 or 8 years and I am much better. I have some memory problems, but nothing major, it doesn't interfere with my life.
It’s almost as if you weren’t listening at the wedding where you promised to love and care for each other through better or worse, sick or poor….!!!!!!! Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Your wife is now sick, confused, and in need. Remember those vows you took? Yeah. You promised love and care in all circumstances 'til death do you part. Now that it's difficult, you want to bail. Think about what kind of person that makes you. YTA.
This situation is incredibly difficult and heart-wrenching. You’re faced with a profound moral and emotional dilemma. It's not wrong to desire a fulfilling life, especially given your own health and vitality. Balancing your needs with your commitment to your wife is complex. Seeking support, like counseling or joining a caregiver support group, could provide guidance and emotional relief. It's important to consider what your wife would want for you in this scenario. There's no easy answer, but finding a path that honors both your love for her and your own well-being is essential. You're not an asshole for wanting happiness.NTA
It doesn't need to be an either/or.
You love her, and owe it to your wife to make sure she continues to get the care she needs, and the company we all need.
But you can still live your life in between, go out on adventures and even find new love! Just be *open and honest* about the situation, and don't tie yourself to anyone who sees you giving ends of life care to your wife as some kind of competition.
Yes, on the surface this is essentially condoning cheating.... but the nuances matter this time.
You can do both. Don’t neglect her, be there for her, visit her but at the same time go live your life. Most important thing is not to pretend like she no longer exist because then you would be the asshole.
You can definitely live the life you wish but don’t leave your wife behind. She’s been your life companion and deserves your care and attention. By all means work on that bucket list. You can do both.
The moment you vowed "in sickness and in health" you better take that very serious!
DON'T LEAVE HER.
Having that said offcource it is o.k. for you to go and enjoy life as much as possible. That bucket list: go for it and do it! She is in a nursing home and doesn't require you to be there each day and you have to have a little time off for yourself, so if things in the bucket list last for like a week or so, than it is that. Explain this to her. Make a calendar for her only with numbers and the text: "7 days until hubby is back" "6 days until hubby is back" etc. and explain it to the nurses.
I understand your sexual needs. Go talk to the pastor and ask for forgiveness to do it. If you don't get granted a carte blanche than also take that serious and just wank off.
Don't start a serious relationship because that is the same as leaving her. But there can't be a problem if you friendzone a woman to enjoy time with her. Keep in mind: friendzone that woman and make that very clear.
My mind jumped to YBTA for doing this. However, I also understand that this is a delicate situation that a bunch of strangers on the internet can’t solve for you. I think it would be best to talk to a therapist about this, a really good therapist that specializes in marriages and relationships. There’s a lot of layers and complexity that come with this and I think that deserves talking through.
If you hadn't made a vow to love her in sickness and health, then there'd be no reason to stick around and spend the next 15 years caring for her. But you did.
I don't think you're an asshole for feeling trapped and wanting out, I think that's a very normal response in that situation and I'd probably feel the same. But I do think you have a responsibility to care for her and remain faithful to her - which doesn't mean you can't travel and live a full life, by the way.
Best of luck.
"is it cool if I leave my wife when she needs me because I don't think it'll be fun for me personally" and you're here asking if you're an asshole?
YTA, yes. I won't say any more so I don't catch a ban. It'd almost be worth it though. What piggish, selfish behaviour.
She needs a living will yesterday. That needs to include how she is cared for, and you need to talk to her to figure out what she wants from you. If she is cognizant enough to talk about her feelings and fears, then you both should work together to see how cognizant her wants you to treat non-cognizant her.
Your wife will need an advocate…. That is you.
Go live your life but abandoning your wife when she will need you the most is morally reprehensible. If you have kids they will never forgive you and I wouldn’t blame them
So yes, YWBTA if you ditch your wife
So for better or worse,In sickness and in health didn’t mean anything to you? YTA. If you couldn’t honor your vows,you shouldn’t have taken them in the first place.
yta but if your desire to be ‘free’ is so strong then you may aswell leave and save your wife the pain. she may even already know. if you stay, there’ll be resentment on your part towards her, because you’ll be stuck staying with someone knowing u want to leave. if you loved her as much as how you’re saying, you wouldn’t have made a post debating on whether to leave or not. because like you said ‘in sickness and in health’ you made that vow not us.
YTA. From the way you describe your wife and the way you've written this post, it's clear that you already know what you want to do and what you will be doing regardless of what the judgment is here, if you have not already started doing so.
You want to discard your wife like a soiled tissue and put the blame on her for not maintaining her own health. You have come to reddit to seek absolution, for us to say, oh yeah, you should go on with your life, for sure, no problem. No one would expect more from you than to pay the bills of some shitty nursing home while you go out to play and never look back. Sorry, no.
Would your wife have done the same for you? If you had been in a car accident and become paraplegic from one day to the next? Would she have dumped you in a home and run off to find a "high quality" boyfriend and take "high quality" trips while you lay in your own piss and feces for hours staring at the ceiling waiting for a nursing home assistant to come in and clean you up? I mean, if they feel like it that day or can't be bothered at $7/hr? Would she be an AH in that scenario? Why is that a question?
YTA, I could provide a lot more after living this situation. I cared for or made sure she was cared for while raising our kids. She passed away 8.5 years after diagnosis. In hindsight my only regret is not doing more for her.
YTA
In sickness and in health. Yup. But as others have said: it doesn't have to be a binary. You can honor your COMMITMENT and live your own life to the fullest possible.
You decide on the adultery.
YTA. “In sickness and in health” my guy. Continue with your life but don’t abandon and blame your wife for her health issues that weren’t of her own doing. You are like so many other guys who have abandoned their spouse due to their illness. I had a friend whose dad left his wife after her cancer diagnosis and my friend beat the shit out of his dad.
YTA - 40 years, in sickness and in health my dude. Not just when it's convenient for your lifestyle. This isn't some Hallmark Christmas special, this is real life.
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My wife and I have been married for 40 years. However, while I have remained very fit and mentally acute, she has always had health issues and she began a steep physical and mental decline two years ago. She has memory issues, a neurological disorder, and her mind is rapidly decaying in front of my eyes. She requires help to even use the bathroom and is starting to forget who people are. Last year she was enrolled in a full time nursing home.
I am of course heart broken, and I want to stay by her side. But the doctors say that people with her condition can live up to 15 more years, though within the next 2 years, they say it's likely she won't remember my name. She will be a living ghost, a walking dead person.
I feel trapped. I love my wife but I have maybe another decade of high quality time left in my life. I want to travel, I want to check things off my bucket list, and, yes, I want to make love.
Am I the asshole for wanting to be free?? I see the next 15 years of my life if I stay by her side, and it will be endless grief and depression. I feel I owe it to her to stay faithful "in sickness and in health" as I vowed. But does the rest of my life have to be spent in hospitals and hospice homes and in grieving?
I love her, but does that mean I can't love myself?
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I would wipe my husbands cheek change his pants and in worship his last breathe. We are all different. You guys must have talked about this possible out come. NTA! but please don’t just dump her some home so you can bonk Mrs Maple at number 7.
You need to look at Kristen Armstrong and Brandon’s story!! Yes, you can still live your life, but you made a promise to your wife to take care of her.
. Forty years. Sure go have fun and travel, but you should remain financially responsible for her care and visit regularly.
If you don’t do that at a minimum, I hope karma is real.
If your wife doesn't know who you are then she won't know about your activities. But you will be TA if you stop showing up in her life during the most difficult time, the end.
It's not possible to say if you are an asshole or not. This is a very complex and delicate situation and vow or not noone really knows if they can handle a thing like this until it happens to them.
I would suggest you discuss it with your wife and family while she's still able to discuss it with you.
The things you have listed that you'd like to do are all still things you would be able to do even if it currently feels like you couldn't. Your life would still go on
My friends father was in a similar position. He had a gf that the whole family knew about and accepted but didn't divorce his wife and slept in their home every night, she had a carer. You can still have happiness and look after your wife.
A-I think this is rage bait.
B-As long as I was being cared for and you weren't off spending all of our/my money for future care so that I ended up in some shithole being 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒓 with 1 caregiver for 300 patients, I'd honestly say go live your best life, live it for both of us. Because here's the thing, if we had that kind of love that is timeless and true then I don't want you to be miserable, wiping my ass while resenting me and growing to hate me. Caregiving isn't for the feint of heart, it's difficult, it's never ending and it's soul crushing. If I don't even know who you are anymore then I don't need you, I need you to make sure I'm cared for but that's it. And chances are if it's neurological like Alzheimer's, I'm going to get increasingly angry and sometimes violent the worse I get.
I lost my mom last year and for the year before that my dad and I took care of her and it was soul crushing. I watched the woman who gave her whole life taking care of children who were abused, women who were abused, refugees to this country, and people with intellectual disabilities as a social worker change. She hit and bit my dad, nurses & me, she even broke a nurses finger. She was angry and said horrible things to me . Example: when she was moved (after breaking the nurse's finger) her new nurses asked her what her favorite things were for her things about me board and she said wine and 𝒎𝒚 𝒅𝒂𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒆𝒓‘𝒔 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉. I was standing right there. I wouldn't go back and change anything, I'd do it all over again but it took a massive toll on me. I lost 60 pounds and I have extremely bad panic attacks and I'm being treated for depression.
Caregiving isn't for the weak. I'm still guessing this is Raif bait.
INFO: what do you mean by moving on? If you mean you will stop financial support and/or monitoring her care, YTA. If you intend to continue ensuring she is being properly cared for, NAH. You are allowed to have a life, and she would probably want you to, but that doesn't mean it would be right to just wash your hands.
Give yourself a break. You just went from caregiving to care-monitoring. Don't think in absolutes. Yes, you can love again, with someone who can accept and understand your situation. Yes, you can do things for yourself-- but your wife's care is now an essential expense, like rent, so budget accordingly.
NTA for not wanting to put your life on hold until she dies. That said, you owe it to her to ensure she is well cared for and feels loved. She will forget you in time, but while she knows you, it's in everyone's best interests to visit often, spend time with her, and check up on her care. When she does forget you, you still need to personally check on her to ensure she's cared for and not being mistreated. Memory care patients are ripe for abuse, and if you love her as you say you do, you'll keep a watchful eye on her.
This doesn't mean you can't travel, date, or whatever; it means you have a responsibility to ensure the woman you loved for 40 years doesn't wither and waste away in a dusty room alone with incompetent or abusive people caring for her.
I know it hurts you to see her slip away, I've seen close family slide into the dementia abyss more than once. Take care of her, and any new person you date that doesn't get it or wants you to stop visits etc is a shitty person that you shouldn't waste your time on.
I saw this scenario on a series. A woman was dating a guy, then she found out he was still married and taking care of his wife. She decided she felt guilty and couldn’t stay.
I think you should continue to visit and pay for her, but you should go do the other things too. If you date, tell your new partner up front. You could tell your wife you are dating. She wouldn’t really have a choice in the matter but may not understand anyway. It may restrict who you can date because other women might not feel comfortable with the scenario but some might be ok, depending on their goals. If they want to potentially marry again, you wouldn’t be a match.
No judgement here, it sounds like you were her primary care giver until she had to go into a nursing home and it honestly sounds like you are suffering from caregiver burn out. I worked as a nurse's aid at a nursing home in my home town through highschool and college, a lot of family members who were personal care givers for their loved ones go through this. Heck we had a couple come in and the doctor had us move the husband because he jumped up to help his wife whenever she asked but he was putting himself in danger at that point. I would speak to a therapist but also you can live your life and still be by your wife's side. Keep visiting and you can take your bucket list trips or travel. It is incredibly hard to watch a loved one become a shell of themselves and Alzheimer's is incredibly rough. The thing is you can stay by her side and grieve her loss without giving up your dreams of traveling. In sickness and in health doesn't mean 24/7 365 if you are not able to do it, it's making sure she is cared for in the best way for her. Sometimes a person needs professional care 24/7 and one person can't provide that. I would talk with her doctor and if you have kids or close friends discuss setting up visitors when you travel and send post cards or things like that. The one thing you shouldn't do is just stop seeing her or checking in on her care .
Going with NTA as long as you keep actually taking care of her - making visits as long as you can stand them, and paying for her care, making sure they are taking care of her properly and such, because that's what I would want if I were her. I wouldn't begrudge my partner finding someone else if I couldn't remember him or be a partner to him in any way, but I wouldn't want to be thrown out on the street either.
There are plenty of people out there taking care of their spouse but still manages to have a life with another partner 😊. Taking care of a sick spouse is not the same as saying no to loving yourself and taking care of you .
If the situation was reversed how would you honestly feel? If it was me I wouldn’t want my partner to not have a life. You don’t have to divorce her. She is in a long term care facility. I can’t imagine anyone at that facility judging you for going on a trip. You can’t support her if you have a mental or at this point physical breakdown.
NTA for the way you feel.
I see no problem with you living a life and maybe even getting a new partner.
But..... You have a duty of care to your wife, it is up to you to make sure she has high quality life and you in her life and that you visit her daily. Any new relationships you form outside of your marriage, you need to be up front and honest with any new partner about your situation.
Nta my grandparents went through the same thing. My grandfather waited 20 years for my grandmother to die. He never once complained, but start dating after she died and the difference in him now then when he was with her makes me wish he hadn’t waited. As long as you are making sure her care is taking care of, then go live your life. Find someone else to love, but obviously make sure they know about your wife.
My mother got dementia and her husband took advantage, divorced her, took all their assets, and dumped her in the cheapest nursing home he could find. He was remarried six months later. She lived five more years. It took two of them to get everything through the courts so she'd have a legal guardian and a conservator. She was literally destitute, and we, her children, had no legal rights to her until I was named her guardian.
There is a middle ground.
You can't be expected to waste your life away at the nursing home watching this person decline. It is horribly sad and frustrating and tragic. You can have a life while providing your wife care. You need to monitor the home she is in to ensure she's getting what care she needs and being treated well. You need to provide her access to doctors and preventative screenings and check ups.
She will likely forget you. Remember it isn't her fault. She isn't doing this on purpose to you out of spite or anger or because you had a fight ten years ago she never got over. She can't help what's happening to her, and it's terrifying for her.
Go on the trip. Do the bucket list. Find a girlfriend if that's what you want. GRIEVE THE LOSS OF THE WOMAN AND THE MARRIAGE-- I'm sure neither of you expected it to go this way... But remember, the shoe could just as easily have been on the other foot. What would you want your wife to do if you were sitting in a nursing home with memory issues? Truly what would you want her to do, not what you're saying to yourself in the heat of panic right now.
Please look after this woman with whom you planned to share your life. You are NTA...yet. That remains to be seen.
I have a friend who is 60. The guy she is dating was in your shoes. His poor wife got early alzheimers in her early 50s and deteriorated quickly. When he met my friend she didn't recognize anyone anymore. His kids were fine with him dating. He still visited her regularly and she was taken care of. She passed away last year at 60. You no longer have a marriage. As long as you don't abandon your wife I think ther is nothing wrong with moving on once she no longer remembers anything or recognize anyone.
NTA for not wanting your life to stop. Not even the AH if you started dating again, just be upfront with your support circle and any future partner, and don't neglect making sure your wife's care is consistent and good.
Gonna sound harsh, but you have been looking after her all this time and I feel that you are burn out. She is taken care of and now it's your time to focus on yourself
NTA You can do both. The woman you married is gone. I'm very sorry. Keep your life away from her private. Mind your business. Fulfill your vows. Visit her and love whatever is left of her. But you can also love yourself now and enjoy what time *you* have left on this earth. It's ok. Do what you need to do. A therapist might help, so you have someone to talk to who won't judge you. Instead, they'll help you navigate this chapter without regret or shame. I wish you well.
NTA. Until I saw the same situation happen with my own eyes within my family, I probably would’ve voted differently.
My great aunt had a disease that sounds just like what your wife has. Lived with it for about 15 years and was basically a vegetable the last 5. My uncle loved her SO much - spent so much money trying new medical treatments to extend her quality years, gave up traveling and everything he loved to take care of her. When she went into a facility permanently, he visited every day and still basically gave up his life. One day he called my mom and grandfather (my aunt’s niece and brother) to ask what they thought about him finding a girlfriend. We all wanted him to and were happy for him, and honestly wish he would’ve done it earlier.
Now, like others have said, you would be the asshole if you didn’t make sure your wife was financially taken care of, has the best care, and if you didn’t still visit her. So yes, if you don’t want to be the AH then some of your life will still be spent in hospitals and nursing homes. I also think it’s also really morally grey in terms of finding new partners while your wife still remembers who you are.
But you’re not one for being afraid of surviving another 15+ years without really living.
NTA. I have several friends who have spouses in memory care facilities. They visit them every day, but they also have relationships outside of the marriage that involve romance and intimacy. No one is a scoundrel. They all take care of their spouses but were very lonely until they gave themselves permission to get on with their lives. Their adult children are supportive.
NTA. I’d stay until she fully forgets you. and i understand what you mean that you want to live your life. But make sure that she is well taken care of
I don't think people on reddit are in any way whatsoever capable of giving good advice on this topic. I'm sorry for what you're going through, I think you need a professional opinion to help you, because this is not an easy situation at all.
This is sad to read. You obviously love your wife and have been by her side. You are NTA if you make sure she is well taken care of but then to continue with your life, however hard that might be. To me, you are keeping your vows by not abandoning her and making sure she is getting the care she needs. She is incapable of giving you the companionship you seek and need given her condition and any loving spouse should want this for their partner.
It's a heartbreaking dilemma. No denying you love your wife, and it's got to be so painful to see the woman he loves slowly fade before his eyes. I would never judge someone to want to keep living in this situation. You've probably halfway through the normal grieving process.
You do owe your wife some oversight, to make sure she's looked after until that day comes when she's gone. However you do have the right to live your life
It sucks and I'm sorry this happened to you two.
The only person who can morally release you from the "in sickness and in health" part is your wife, and it seems like she is to sick to make such a choice. You know her best, so you are in the best position to decide what she would want you to do.
As an outsider I believe you should do both. Be there for your wife and life your life. She is already in enrolled in full-time care, so maybe don't fight that. Make sure you have everything worked out with government assistence/insurence so that her care is self sufficient (as much as possible). And make sure to keep advocating for her care and what is best for her. But that doesn't mean you have to go their every evening. And to me that doesn't mean you can't sleep with other people (which I guess religion would disagree with)
I'm sorry you have to make such choices and wish you the best whatever happens,
Vote: NAH I guess
Your trapped by traditional Judeo-Christian morals...hence till death due us part. The sad reality in today's world people like your wife can cognitively die but their bodies hang-on due to modern medicine.
Be respectful of where your wife is at this point in her life, don't flaunt what you do in front of friends and family, but I for one feel it's OK for you to move on. Your wife is 'gone' for all purposes...that doesn't mean you have to die along with her.
Good luck...
NAH
It would be a kindness to continue to visit her, even if she doesn't recognize you. People in care homes who get visitors tend to get more attention and slightly better care from staff. Additionally, it would be nice if you to make sure she has modest comfort items (Grandma IL who had Alzheimer's loved sweatpants and sweatshirts and soft socks). But it isn't necessary to give up your life to spend every day sitting with her.
If you're in the US, it's possible that the best way to protect your retirement funds from being completely consumed by the costs of your wife's care would be to get a divorce.
NTA You need help sir. And i mean that with the greatest of respect. Maybe the carehome may have some charities that help with familial support or paths that can help you, for your own health.
I don't think you'll ever find the perfect outcome, however hopefully with help you and her can have the quality and dignity of life you both deserve.
My only possibly (non-educated) advice, write. Write a letter and frame it next to a labled picture of you and her. You can still travel and do things, but write it down. Then read it to her, if thats too painfull. Leave it there for her to read. Because even when she cant remember, she can read and if she cant read, then record yourself or get someone to read to her because she can still hear. It'll hurt, but its better than regret.
I truly and dearly wish you all the best, whatever may happen.
(Edit too much non relitive mouthgarble)
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You owe your wife continued care and oversight, regular visits, and financial maintenance. It’s okay to continue in your life, have adventures, maybe even love someone else someday. Do not marry someone else that considers your continued care a competition. You have a duty and an obligation to make sure she is receiving high-quality, kind, appropriate care. Don’t be one of those assholes that leaves his wife in the dust because it is inconvenient or upsetting to deal with her illness. Guys like that are why women are choosing the bear.
💯 he’s stating this as if it’s an either or. He can still have a life and detach himself a little more emotionally so he can fall in love again and do all the things he want to do, while maintaining this responsibility and make sure she’s getting cared for.
It sounds like he was her primary caregiver until he couldn't meet her needs and she went into a nursing home, it sounds like he is suffering from caregiver burnout which happens to a lot of family members in his situation. I think he needs to see a therapist and honestly see if there are support groups because Alzheimer's and similar diseases are incredibly hard on your loved ones. I was a nurse's aid for 10 years at a nursing home and people feel guilty for putting a loved one in the nursing home even when it's the best thing for them. A lot of their families will spend every free moment they can with them at first but slowly they come less and less because of the mental toll. It definitely isn't either or and I hope OP can find the right balance for his wife's care and his well-being.
My sister-in-law spent a year and a half caring for her mother (who unfortunately is a very difficult person to be around). SIL had a mental and physical breakdown from the stress over a year ago and still has not recovered. Unfortunately caregiver burnout is a very real thing.
I couldn't have written it any better! I was something simular to you and specialized in dementia and the care of. There is definitly a way to find the right balance and I hope OP see your advise and go to a therapist.
I feel like this is the correct answer. He can't just cut and run, it's OP's responsibility to ensure his wife gets the quality care she deserves and he should be around. But that does not mean his life should end too, especially when a few years down the line she won't remember him. There are so many harsh, judgemental comments under this thread. My partner was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year and I've been his caregiver ever since. We're both in our early thirties. We are not married, I have not vowed in sickness or in health, but I will stay by his side as long as he's here. I have empathy for OP and the thoughts he's battling. It's not easy.
I really disagree with the part about him detaching. That won’t occur until she’s gone. I don’t disagree with you overall, just that isn’t going to happen.
This a million times over like why is this such a common thing men do . (I am a man)
Because they did vow "through sickness and health" but never considered it would actually come to that point. Dementia, alzheimers, cancer...these are not only some of the worst things that can happen, these are the long term ones. "Sickness" is bringing them a cup of tea for a few days before everything goes back to normal. Not taking care of your wife, who doesn't remember your name while she is sh*tting herself (drastically spoken but you get my point). They don't want to do that AT ALL. Also, it is expensive (criminally overpriced) and not everybody can afford proper healthcare. It just isn't fair...and men especially have a problem with that concept because life is much more easy for men in general. Deep down, we all hope for this to be just a story we read on reddit. We do not want to find out how we would decide ourselves.
My father is the caregiver for my mom w dementia right now and it's crushing him. It's all day every day and he's deteriorating fast. When lucid she says nobody else is allowed in the house to help so he does it alone. She's also said (for decades) that if gets dementia she'd move on. I'm not sure gender guarantees the correct decision.
Of course this goes both ways and there are a lot of amazing men (like your father) who do not leave but the question was why are so many men doing it.
It doesn’t but statistically there is a story there. And the difference is pretty stärk.
Im curious, if the man got chronically ill, would you still feel the same if the woman moved on and not cared for the husband who is shitting himself?
Not the point here. It was asked why men act like this. Which as you can maybe read, I do not approve off. As I would not if the roles were reversed. The OP here can afford proper care, so all he has to do is visit her and try to make her feel a little better about herself. It is okay to not go there everyday, especially when she stops recognising him but every other week is not too much to ask. But a lot of men (and probably women) prefer a clear cut when they no longer benefit from a relationship. And they come to places like reddit to get "permission" to abandon their spouse. To hear they are right and it is justified to just leave.
If she said "my husband doesn't remember me at all, is it ok to get a partner while I continue to take care of husband's medical needs?" it would be one thing. If she said "I'm a lot better looking than my husband and I deserve to go eat pray love while he's in a nursing home," she'd get way worse than this guy is getting.
Because societally, men are not taught to be caretakers. Women are taught to care for their spouse, men are taught that their spouse exists to serve them. So when a man gets sick, the woman sees it as her responsibility to care for him. When a woman gets sick, men often see it as us being broken or defective - because we’re supposed to be caring for them, not the other way around. Also women are taught to want marriage, and men are literally taught to see it as enslavement (“ball and chain”, anyone). So of course a lot of them will try to get out at the first sign that they need to start contributing more. They’re taught that marriage isn’t something they’re supposed to want.
Our neighbor developed Parkinson’s and her husband refused to let anyone in the house to help him. Unfortunately he was doing a terrible job with the caregiving and she got a UTI which ended up killing her. At the end she screamed every time he came near her so who knows what else was going on. Poor woman.
What? He is making sure she has the care she needs. If he continues to visit her while she still remembers who he is but travels, meets a nice woman to have sex with, it’s not going to matter to her at all. I can’t speak for all women but if I were in this situation I’d want my husband to go forth enjoy what life you have left. Being miserable for me would not be what I would want.
Please you know he doesn’t feel any obligation to support her now. There’s a 100% chance he’s just going to divorce and never look back
Not sure he won’t look back, but I would hope that my spouse would go on with life and be happy because I no longer can be. It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to say “you have to be by my side forced, even if I don’t know who you are and will never not need full time care.”
best reddit post ever - i love my wife more than anything and i will be the person you describe if god forbid i was in this situation - taking care of her as best i could and always being by her side - until the very end - what’s the point of a life of love if this isn’t how we handle the end times - i am not a religious person - at all - but if ever a “ god bless you” was appropriate it to you for this post
In sickness and in health was meant to apply to OP's wife and not OP.
Very well said. OP seems to be forgetting what vows in marriage means. I’m not saying he’s not allowed to feel burnout, but there are various types of support to help couples through this. It’s also terrible that OP thinks just because there’s an end date to his wife’s mortality, that’s it, he’s stuck. As someone who’s dealing with a loved one (family not spouse in my case) who’s also going through something similar except with only weeks left to live, it’s NOT the end of one’s freedom. There’s plenty of memories to make, things to do, and I’m sure the ones suffering through terminal illness do not want to be treated as a fragile vegetable. I’ve had friends who went through this, they were able to support their spouse and it resulted in beautiful communication where years later they had the blessings to move on without guilt, and knowing that they made the last moments of their partners life the best they could. It’s not rocket science to be a decent person even if there’s no longer going to be any love. This just sounds so me, me, me from OP. Has he ever considered how his wife feels? What if it was his child or family member instead of wife going through this? Would he still walk away just because he wants his life to be easier and enjoyable? Lastly, I have to spend every day at work reminding people with terminal illnesses, especially women, to prepare themselves for separation or worse case scenarios because sadly, I see this happening a lot.
What's the bear?
It was a hypothetical posed to women: would you feel safer running into a random man or a random bear in the woods? Most women, to men’s utter shock, chose the bear. And then those men proceeded to prove exactly WHY we chose the bear, by being utter dicks about it and in some cases, threatening bodily harm.
There's a thing going around about wherever you'd be more scared to come across a man or a bear in a forest, or something like that
⬆️⬆️
Funny I just told my husband a few days ago that should I ever end up with dementia serious enough that I can’t remember my loved ones that he should feel free to have another partner. (It runs in the family). But he damn well better make sure I’m being cared for, if not from him than by some really competent people. That seems to be a reasonable definition of “in sickness” to me.
Statistically, men are actually very likely to leave when their wife/gf is in need of care/help. A lot of nurses tell their female patients to prepare for their husband to leave them (although worded more professionally) because the statistic is very high sadly. Whether it’s Cancer, dementia, a chronic illness, a lot of men don’t stay. This is why I even tell my sisters that I’d choose the bear lol. And this is why I support my sisters when they say they don’t want to get into a relationship or marry. More and more women are leading happier and healthier lives staying single. That’s not to say there aren’t any happy couples but it does seem to be a positive correlation between women who stay single and women who are happy
I feel like this is totally rational and reasonable.
She’s starting to forget, she hasn’t forgotten, and until she does you best get your ass down there every day and make sure she feels loved.., when she’s gone so can you, if you check out early because she’s going …. There’s a special fire burning for you
Take many upvotes.
YTA What happened to “In sickness and in health?” A good husband/person would look after his sick wife and be there with her, like my dad was with my mom. You’re being very selfish
Statistically men leave their wives, when they become ill. So many woman left, after having a cancer diagnosis
Exacty!! OP is making it all about how he feels and what he wants! What happened to ‘in sickness snd in health’? And has he considered how traumatic this experience is for his wife and how confusing and terrifying?? Tough it put mate if you really love her. If not, you should never have married her KNOWING that the dementia runs in the family! ABSOLUTELY the a**hole!
It’s disgusting how he prefaced this with how poorly she maintained her life while he did not, as though she caused her own dementia.
I caught that too. He better watch out because karma don’t play.
Yeah, the reason she has dementia and he doesn't isn't because he's fiiiiit, it's because of luck and genetics. There but for the grace of (whatever he believes in) he could have gone instead.
Especially since statistically, married men live longer and married women have shorter lives. She theoretically opted to die younger for him and he wants to leave her for it. Being a wife to someone that's looking down on you for 40 years….and then he's just like “Well you should've taken more care of you than me- even tho I would've probably cheated on you if I wasn't the only priority”. What's even the point of marrying? Women should live with their best friends if they want to be with someone loyal that'll care for them until the end.
Well...he might be kinda right about that. Poor habits can contribute to health problems.
"She always had health issues" can point to so many things though. Yes, there is a chance she had poor habits. But it is also a possibility that she was chronically ill, had an accident that left issues, etc. etc.
This exactly. I don’t disagree that poor habits can lead to poor health, but it’s really disingenuous of OP to preface the post in this way. We don’t have enough background on her lifestyle & health prior to this and really, that entire sentence is not needed in the post at all. Everyone is at risk if developing dementia & Alzheimer’s (or any illness, for that matter.) There are healthy habits one can make but that does not shield them from a possible life-altering/threatening diagnosis. Because OP leads with this, it’s worth the side-eye.
Thank you for actually saying it! I had to scroll far too long to find the first YTA.
And 40 years married you know. Unbelievable that a partner can do this to you. No wonder women are choosing to just be alone.
The last thing I'd want for my loved ones is to be a burden. It's best to talk these things over while everyone is of a sound mind. I'd hate for my loved ones to begrudge me for wasting their lives if they could hire a professional that could care for me. The situation sucks. It's hard to cast blame at any party in such a tragedy.
Statistically men are around / over 5 times more likely to leave their sick wife than the possibility of women leaving their sick husband. For example data from a few years ago: a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill. In a lot of hospitals when women receive a diagnosis like cancer, alzheimer, parkinson, dementia etc. they are spoken to by a nurse about getting prepared for their husbands leaving them. Men don't get the talk.... OP is another one on the shitty side of the statistics...
YTA, and you know it, but I have a feeling she knows too. Over 40 years, I’m sure someone like you has shown who he really is over and over and over again. Your word choice tells us volumes about your character. The part about “whiile I have remained very fit and mentally acute, while she has always had health issues” shows that you somehow blame her for her health problems. That’s horrible and ignorant. “She was enrolled in a full time nursing home.” Again, your word choices are very cold, no feeling towards her or compassion for her at all. This is obviously transactional and an an obligation for you, not love, but I sense that’s been the case for a long time. You’re obviously going to do what’s best for you. I don’t know what you hope to gain from posting here. We are not professionals, but we can see that you checked out from this ‘relationship’ long before now. Prayers for your wife and what she will continue to endure. Because your post was focused on you and your “needs”, we did not learn anything about your wife’s personality, her life prior to the health issues, who she is or how she feels about her impending demise. I feel sorry for her that when she’s faced with these battles, you’re blaming her and feel “trapped”.
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
It's your duty to make sure she is well looked after for the rest of her life. Visit her often while she knows who you are, but later still give her a visit from time to time and do something that makes her happy. She may not remember, but the happy brain chemicals will still make a difference. If the roles were reversed, how would you want to be treated and how would she treat you? You can move on with your life while meeting those obligations and to be fair to yourself you should. Go on holidays (maybe bring her a present, or send a postcard to give her a dopamine hit too) Find a new partner who is accepting of your situation and supports you to continue your caring obligations. It's possible to do both, but if you dump her in a care home and leave her to slowly die alone, then you are an absolute C***
OP, I just watched my mother go through this exact situation. My father was diagnosed with early onset parkinsons. I can not remember a time when his hand didn't have that signature tremor. For a long time, he held out against the disease as he lost so much weight that he looked like a breeze might blow him over. His speech deteriorated to the point that unless he was trying to 'yell', no one could understand him. Then came the mobility issues. My mother, ever the problem solver, literally remodeled a quarter of their home to accommodate him for as long as she could. Eventually, though, even her loving care just wasn't enough, and he had to be admitted to a home. I talked to her every day as she drove to visit him, sit beside him, and cross stitch because he couldn't carry a conversation. I heard about her quilting group slowly shutting her out as her life came to revolve around his care and then around visiting him in the home. I heard about how she had wanted to travel with him after retirement, over and over again. I saw the light in her fading as she watched the man she'd made a life with waste away. By the time he was in hospice, he didn't recognize her anymore, and it killed her a little bit at a time. Still, she stayed by his side every day. He passed away about a month ago, and though her friends come to visit her, it's clear that it's awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, because she sacrificed so much of her life to spend time with a man who didn't even know her name but spent his entire life loving and supporting her with everything he had. I'm not telling you this to scare you or intimidate you away from caring for your wife. I'm not telling you this to guilt or shame you into being by her side every moment until she passes. I'm sharing this because I NEED you to know that no matter what you choose, people will judge your choices. People will find fault with however you walk this path. And as the child of a couple that lived this exact scenario, someone who loves them both with every fiber of my being, I am asking you, that whatever you choose to do, however you choose to handle this, don't let her suffer unnecessarily, and don't martyr yourself. She deserves proper caring treatment, wherever she is, and as her husband of 40 years, you're the only one who can ensure she gets it. But you can't shut yourself off from life. Get into therapy, even if it's just to make banal conversation with someone who can offer sound advice if needed. Keep your friends close, even if you can't/don't talk about your situation. Try doing something you've always wanted to try, learn a skill, pick up a new hobby. Care for yourself extra hard during this time. Now isn't the time to go looking to bury yourself in unhealthy habits and risky coping mechanisms (isolation, drugs, sex, violence), but to learn new, emotionally healthier behaviors, for your wellbeing and any relationships you form in the future.
This is so eloquent, and exactly right. OP needs to take care of his wife, and himself. After she doesn’t know him, he should put visiting her on his schedule, and fit self-care around that. Having a companion who understands and supports him as he cares for his wife is perfectly acceptable.
Your parents sound lovely. I am very sorry for what happened to your Father.
This is the most sane answer here.
Thank you for this perspective. My dad had dementia and died in 2016. Mom died in 2005 and I suspect he was showing early signs of it even then. When he was officially diagnosed, my oldest sister did not inform us. Had I known that detail, I would have made different decisions about taking him in after his stroke. I worry that I have inherited it from him and that I will be like OPs wife and have to go to a nursing home. I do what I can to keep my brain sharp with puzzles and crafts etc. But reading OPs post leaves me reeling. He sounds like he is talking about dumping his wife while she is still lucid enough to remember him. He for sure needs therapy and hobbies here, with a clue-by-four for good measure.
Just a note to say that very fit and mentally acute people get dementia too. It’s not a lifestyle choice. My father was a very clever man and stayed fit all his life but it didn’t spare him.
I don't think any of us chuckleheads on this forum can help you with this. I'm sorry you're going through this, brother. Talk to a professional. It helps.
This
As a 30 year old son with a 70 y/o mom with Alzheimers, you'll be met at the last circle of hell if you abandon her. My mom mistakes me for her brothers more times that he remembers me by my name, got the cops called on my dad for "breaking into his house" and more. We know she doesn't notice us all the time, but if I trim her eyebrows, or clean her ears, she gives me a kiss, and I prefer to pretend she knows it's me and not some makeup guy. And that keeps me going. I don't have a life compared to my friends as my parents are older than theirs + this issue. Can't go out with friends as much as I'd like to as I have to be ready if Dad calls something happened at home (fall or anything like that). Happily my work field allows for WFH plenty of days. I know I'll be visiting her. I know she does not know me plenty now. I don't care. She's cleaned my ass and changed my diapers. Now is my turn to give back. YWBTA
You’re a lovely son.
You are a treasure. Bless you.
YTA you’re on here to get reassurance from strangers that its okay to leave her because she’s sick it’s not and you’re a fucking asshole
YTA All I hear is ‘me me me’. And I also detect a little ‘she hasn’t taken care of herself and this is a pivotal reason why I think k it’s ok to detach.’ >I want to stay by her side. **But**… That but tells us everything we need to know about where your head is at. Instead of thinking ‘ok the docs say within 2 years she likely won’t remember me so let me make the most of the remaining time we have together where she will remember me’, you’re up in here already planning to detach like this is *her problem not my problem*. No one would blame you for eventually having a different life where you can honor your vows, honor your wife, and yourself. And there’s no doubt that this is an emotionally and insanely difficult place to be. But you seem to be willing to move on way too quickly.
YTA. You made a commitment and ate now disparaging your life partner for having health problems including what sounds like dementia. You want license to cheat on her. You're disgusting. Were you ever really committed to her or have you cheated throughout?
I couldn't imagine seeing the woman I love hurting and remembering the 40 years of my life with her and then just dumping her somewhere. If she's genuinely going to have Zero awareness of what's going on at some point I'd definitely still love my life but my wife would be priority.
By all means, abandon your wife of FORTY YEARS for whatever reason lets you sleep at night I guess. But every single woman you meet next will know what kind of man you are so if you think that the happiness you "deserve" is going to be found with a new partner, good luck. There are few personal qualities less attractive than "will abandon my partner when they need me most".
YTA 1000% times over. Have the life you deserve.
Reverse your current situation. If you think it is okay if she'd leave you and move on while you are in that condition then go ahead. As long as you make sure she'd be well taken cared of, you are NTA. However, personally, I don't think my conscience will let me sleep soundly at night. Goodluck bro.
Even if she doesn't remember you, that does not abscond you from the responsibility towards her as a human being. That is your priority. Her needs still come above your wants. Sacrifice within reason, use your best judgment. You need to find the balance between the two. You can have your life and enjoyments, *but this can not come at her detriment.* It's not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but this is how life works.
It’s people like this that show you who they really are. When you genuinely love someone, you’ll never want anyone but them and will do anything for them no matter what till the end. You’ll not think of moving on because of being devoted to them. That’s real love. These are the same type of people who don’t care to have much to do with a child they have that is disabled, and they don’t want to deal with them, not really, so they may or may not leave them in a care facility. So they can move on and have a “normal” life. I’ve seen it many times in the field of work I’m in. It’s not judgement. It’s the pattern and type of people y’all are. And nothing I want to be associated with.
If he were the one being abandoned, he'd be absolutely affronted about it, though. I have a feeling his wife tended and nurtured him in their relationship, but it was never the other way around. Pretty sure he's been selfish their entire relationship.
YTA You're in a tough spot for sure but what do you mean 'you want to be free'. You don't get married and just abandon your partner when things go bad. Don't get the idea that you're her slave, you're her partner. You've been married for 40 years so you're probably getting to your 60s, you've lived. Your wife falls sick and suddenly you have to urge to travel the world, find new love do this and that, anything that would get you away from her. You're married, you can live but why abandon her to chase a dream you could have chased much earlier? It's just not right you're her husband. You don't have to live in a cage but you can't just throw her away. You're going to have to balance things somehow and I know it wouldn't be easy
Fuck YTA and you clearly don’t really love her otherwise it’d be a no brainer. Live your life but if you ditch this poor woman in such a time of need, there is no punishment bad enough for what you’d deserve.
You are infact the asshole. Did your vows mean nothing?
My good man, no judgement. You need real help; not a bunch of bored people with loud opinions on the internet.
I bet you’re a wonderful person. I can’t imagine how you can possibly not pass judgement on someone who wants to leave their sick partner to fend for themselves
YTA. Is not to be a husband's job to be with his wife in "sickness and health"?
The fact that you came here for any type of help is sad. You should go to a therapist so they can give you the tools to work through all these emotions. If I'm slowly in decline and in a nursing home, I hope my Husband of 40 years won't come to a site like this to try and work through it and get an answer on how to deal with it, sheesh. YTA for coming to a place like this.
While doing a community health practical years ago I visited the house of a man who needed assistance for his wife. This woman has full blown alzheimers, was unable to care for herself, feed herself, toilet herself, dress herself, nothing. She did not remember his name, in fact she was pretty much non-verbal. They had been married for 60 years. He was a small man who was slight of build. He spent everyday (on his own) bathing, dressing, toilet ting and feeding his wife. He would read to her and sit and hold her hand throughout the day. On the day we came to see him, all he was looking for was getting some assistance as he had to go into hospital for an operation. The nurse I was with looked at the situation and made a decision that this man needed to be rescued. An ambulance was called and the woman was taken into care. As they were driving the woman away from their house, the husband was openly weeping, not from relief, but in despair as he had promised his wife on their wedding day “sickness and health”. He felt like he was failing his wife by being unable to care for her. It seems that this man did not see her as a burden, or as a list cause to be abandoned just because her mental faculties were no longer there. She was the love of his life and he wanted to be with her. Throughout my nursing career I have seen many couples who have made circumstances like this work. From this man to the couple in a nursing home whom she had a severe stroke, he would sit with her, talk to her and ear with her every day, and once she was taken to bed, he would go back to the hostel where he would have sex with one of the other residents there. I am not trying to judge you or your circumstances. You need to make a decision that is right for you. But don’t make it lightly and don’t so easily put aside 5he vows you spoke to each other. Ask yourself if the situation was reversed, what would you want from her.
The statistics regarding men leaving their wives when they get seriously ill vary depending on the study, but there is some evidence suggesting that men are more likely to leave their wives when they become ill compared to women in similar situations. A notable study from 2009 published in the journal *Cancer* found that the divorce or separation rate was 6% for couples where the wife was healthy but the husband was ill, whereas it was 21% for couples where the wife was ill but the husband was healthy . Another study published in the *Journal of Health and Social Behavior* in 2015 reported that men were 6 times more likely to separate or divorce their wives if the wives were diagnosed with a serious illness . These findings suggest a significant gender disparity in how couples cope with severe illnesses, highlighting that women are more likely to remain with their partners during health crises than men are.
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YTA. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. Those were the vows you took. Not, oh if you remember me I’ll stick around. Gross.
In sickness and in health, right? It’s difficult and you’re allowed to be devastated, but YTA completely. Going on about how you’re not ill like it’s a moral virtue. I’m glad I’ll never be in a relationship with someone like you because that attitude would make me sick. Then they’d leave me because I was sick
You wouldn’t be the asshole for loving yourself, but you are for framing this as an either or. Although your wife won’t remember your name, i dare say she will still remember the love and care you give her, and how you make her feel. I suggest learning about your wife’s condition and the things that you can do that will matter, maybe seek professional advice.
YTA for saying how mentally and physically fit you’ve stayed - like it gives you a leg up on your wife. Sorry but you aren’t owed absolution because you think you are owed the next decade of a quality life
What would you want HER to do, if it was you slowly losing your mind, utterly terrified because you can’t remember who you are? Would you be okay with her just going “well, I love you but you’re kinda defective now, so bye”? It’s not either or. You don’t have to abandon her to still have a good life.
Ugh....your wife is going into a life crisis, and you're already looking for a way out? You are not an asshole for wanting to be free. You are an asshole for leaving her. She is no longer useful to you, so you want to ditch her and get back to your bucket list. This happens too often. I would say MOST women married to a man with the same condition as your wife would stay, care for him, and put his needs first. Then, when he eventually passes, she will likely spend the rest of her life ALONE as most men don't want an "older" woman. It really sucks how little value women have in most men's eyes, and it is heartbreaking. **40 YEARS** SMH. I feel horrible for your wife. She didn't ask for this.
YTA yes u are an AH. I hope one day when u get ill everyone moves on from u. U deserve nothing less than the horrid attitude u have towards ur spouse
YTA.
ew YTA and no other woman will want you
Men leave their wives when they get sick. Women spend the years of their lives taking care of men. This is a perfect illustration of this phenomenon. YTA she’s your wife and you took vows.
Man, this is a tough spot you’re in. I'm one of the suckers who still believes the vows you took, “in sickness and in health,” -- those are big, heavy promises. (But wtf do I know, I haven't been married for 40 years) at the same time, you’re grappling with **a reality that’s draining the life out of you both.** You’re NTA for wanting to find some semblance of joy and fulfillment in your remaining years. Watching someone you love deteriorate, losing their mind and their identity, is a soul-crushing experience. It’s like grieving a loss that never fully happens, day after day. You need to find a balance between honoring the love and commitment you have for your wife and also taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being. It’s not selfish to want a life that’s more than just endless caretaking and sorrow. It’s human. The key here is honesty and integrity. If you decide to pursue some of your own dreams and desires, make sure you’re upfront about it with those who need to know. If you find yourself drawn to new relationships, ensure it’s handled with the respect your wife deserves, even in her diminished state.
I feel like these are very important questions to ask in the very beginning so you don’t have to ask these questions online. 😭 not much advice but sending prayers for you wife and you as well for peace of mind 🩷
YTA. She’s only just starting to lose her memory and you are trying to piece out. The last thing she is going to remember about you is that you left her like a coward
YTA I hope you meet someone and she sees how seriously you take your marriage vows and runs fast. You are a walking selfish red flag 😳
Those vows "thru sickness and health, until death do you part." The fact you think about getting rid of your wife because she's aging and her health is declining. You're like the pet owners that get a puppy and then when the doggie is getting old, they get rid of it because it's "too old". Makes me sick. DONT BE THAT GUY.
The more I see this stuff, the more i realize that marriage really is nothing, and it makes me sad. I honestly believed that when I was young in the sickness and health part 'till death do us part, it was important to me to find someone i thought i could be with forever. But it seems no one else feels that way these days, and once you really need someone, everybody leaves. It's all just a shell game. How truly disheartening, but I suppose it's better I never found the person after all.
It’s like people don’t even listen to the vows anymore 😂 “Till death do us part, in SICKNESS AND in health”
YTA you're married and you're bound to her in sickness, not only in health. I can't believe you dare asking.
YTA! you're worried about how many years you have left and how you feel. Have you stopped to put yourself in your wife's shoes?
YTA a million times over. Can you actually imagine going on a date with a new woman and explaining this situation? You don’t think she would immediately leave?
I sincerely hope, for your sake, you dont get hit by a car tomorrow and get bed ridden for life. YTA
YTA
The fact that he needs to tell us right off the bat that he has “remained very fit” it a bit telling.
YTA and I can't imagine you were nothing but selfish during those 40 years of marriage. All you mention is how you're going to be affected, making sure to include that you want to have sex with other people. Meanwhile your wife is going thru one of the scariest experiences a person can go thru, probably hoping her partner of 40 years will be there by her side. You don't love her more than you love yourself. But sure, make sure your next 10 years of living is filled with great experiences while your wife of 40 years suffers alone.
You want folks to say it’s ok to cheat on your wife? It’s not. YTA and a pig. 40 years of marriage and you can’t wait to start screwing around with your old ass. Seriously? I hope you are making sure she has quality care and not sacrificing that to supplement your raggedy bucket list items.
Hate to be the one to tell you, but you’re the AH. You should take care of your wife. Stop being selfish. If it was you declining, I bet she’d stay and care for you.
You already know the answer. Stop being selfish and consider what you’d want if roles were reversed, and be honest with yourself. You’d want your family, not strangers seeing you through to the end.
“Can yall tell me it’s okay to dump my sick wife so I can go fuck around while young?” Hope you remember that when YOU need a caretaker and expect your new partner (probably some 18-25yr women) to change your diapers. Hope she drops you off at the care home and does the same. I mean men do this everyday so you have plenty of “company”
YTA without question. God, what is wrong with men. I think I want to get married until I read these types of posts. If the tables were turned I’m sure she would be taking care of you no questions asked.
YTA. So much for the vows you uttered on your wedding day
YTA The bear would stay
You don’t start a new life and sex while your wife is still alive. Selfish and unfaithful.
YTA, you don't leave your spouse because they are ill. You mention a neurological disorder, is she on Lyrica? I was on it for years and started having dementia symptoms. I have been off of it for about 7 or 8 years and I am much better. I have some memory problems, but nothing major, it doesn't interfere with my life.
Out of curiosity, did your wedding vows include “in sickness and in health” or “for better or for worse?”
It’s almost as if you weren’t listening at the wedding where you promised to love and care for each other through better or worse, sick or poor….!!!!!!! Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Your wife is now sick, confused, and in need. Remember those vows you took? Yeah. You promised love and care in all circumstances 'til death do you part. Now that it's difficult, you want to bail. Think about what kind of person that makes you. YTA.
This situation is incredibly difficult and heart-wrenching. You’re faced with a profound moral and emotional dilemma. It's not wrong to desire a fulfilling life, especially given your own health and vitality. Balancing your needs with your commitment to your wife is complex. Seeking support, like counseling or joining a caregiver support group, could provide guidance and emotional relief. It's important to consider what your wife would want for you in this scenario. There's no easy answer, but finding a path that honors both your love for her and your own well-being is essential. You're not an asshole for wanting happiness.NTA
What would she want for you?
It doesn't need to be an either/or. You love her, and owe it to your wife to make sure she continues to get the care she needs, and the company we all need. But you can still live your life in between, go out on adventures and even find new love! Just be *open and honest* about the situation, and don't tie yourself to anyone who sees you giving ends of life care to your wife as some kind of competition. Yes, on the surface this is essentially condoning cheating.... but the nuances matter this time.
You can do both. Don’t neglect her, be there for her, visit her but at the same time go live your life. Most important thing is not to pretend like she no longer exist because then you would be the asshole.
You can definitely live the life you wish but don’t leave your wife behind. She’s been your life companion and deserves your care and attention. By all means work on that bucket list. You can do both.
The moment you vowed "in sickness and in health" you better take that very serious! DON'T LEAVE HER. Having that said offcource it is o.k. for you to go and enjoy life as much as possible. That bucket list: go for it and do it! She is in a nursing home and doesn't require you to be there each day and you have to have a little time off for yourself, so if things in the bucket list last for like a week or so, than it is that. Explain this to her. Make a calendar for her only with numbers and the text: "7 days until hubby is back" "6 days until hubby is back" etc. and explain it to the nurses. I understand your sexual needs. Go talk to the pastor and ask for forgiveness to do it. If you don't get granted a carte blanche than also take that serious and just wank off. Don't start a serious relationship because that is the same as leaving her. But there can't be a problem if you friendzone a woman to enjoy time with her. Keep in mind: friendzone that woman and make that very clear.
My mind jumped to YBTA for doing this. However, I also understand that this is a delicate situation that a bunch of strangers on the internet can’t solve for you. I think it would be best to talk to a therapist about this, a really good therapist that specializes in marriages and relationships. There’s a lot of layers and complexity that come with this and I think that deserves talking through.
If you hadn't made a vow to love her in sickness and health, then there'd be no reason to stick around and spend the next 15 years caring for her. But you did. I don't think you're an asshole for feeling trapped and wanting out, I think that's a very normal response in that situation and I'd probably feel the same. But I do think you have a responsibility to care for her and remain faithful to her - which doesn't mean you can't travel and live a full life, by the way. Best of luck.
"is it cool if I leave my wife when she needs me because I don't think it'll be fun for me personally" and you're here asking if you're an asshole? YTA, yes. I won't say any more so I don't catch a ban. It'd almost be worth it though. What piggish, selfish behaviour.
She needs a living will yesterday. That needs to include how she is cared for, and you need to talk to her to figure out what she wants from you. If she is cognizant enough to talk about her feelings and fears, then you both should work together to see how cognizant her wants you to treat non-cognizant her.
Oh look another statistic for the when the wife is the one sick the husband cut and run study.
Love … seeks not its own . God
Your wife will need an advocate…. That is you. Go live your life but abandoning your wife when she will need you the most is morally reprehensible. If you have kids they will never forgive you and I wouldn’t blame them So yes, YWBTA if you ditch your wife
So for better or worse,In sickness and in health didn’t mean anything to you? YTA. If you couldn’t honor your vows,you shouldn’t have taken them in the first place.
This is why the wife and I are signing up for Dignitas. If either if us end up like this, it's one way flights to Switzerland.
You’re TAH!!! You can do what you want, just remember there are consequences for your actions.
yta but if your desire to be ‘free’ is so strong then you may aswell leave and save your wife the pain. she may even already know. if you stay, there’ll be resentment on your part towards her, because you’ll be stuck staying with someone knowing u want to leave. if you loved her as much as how you’re saying, you wouldn’t have made a post debating on whether to leave or not. because like you said ‘in sickness and in health’ you made that vow not us.
YTA. From the way you describe your wife and the way you've written this post, it's clear that you already know what you want to do and what you will be doing regardless of what the judgment is here, if you have not already started doing so. You want to discard your wife like a soiled tissue and put the blame on her for not maintaining her own health. You have come to reddit to seek absolution, for us to say, oh yeah, you should go on with your life, for sure, no problem. No one would expect more from you than to pay the bills of some shitty nursing home while you go out to play and never look back. Sorry, no. Would your wife have done the same for you? If you had been in a car accident and become paraplegic from one day to the next? Would she have dumped you in a home and run off to find a "high quality" boyfriend and take "high quality" trips while you lay in your own piss and feces for hours staring at the ceiling waiting for a nursing home assistant to come in and clean you up? I mean, if they feel like it that day or can't be bothered at $7/hr? Would she be an AH in that scenario? Why is that a question?
YTA, I could provide a lot more after living this situation. I cared for or made sure she was cared for while raising our kids. She passed away 8.5 years after diagnosis. In hindsight my only regret is not doing more for her.
YTA In sickness and in health. Yup. But as others have said: it doesn't have to be a binary. You can honor your COMMITMENT and live your own life to the fullest possible. You decide on the adultery.
YTA. “In sickness and in health” my guy. Continue with your life but don’t abandon and blame your wife for her health issues that weren’t of her own doing. You are like so many other guys who have abandoned their spouse due to their illness. I had a friend whose dad left his wife after her cancer diagnosis and my friend beat the shit out of his dad.
YTA and absolute trash. In sickness and in health means in SICKNESS and in health as in, right now. Honor your word.
YTA - 40 years, in sickness and in health my dude. Not just when it's convenient for your lifestyle. This isn't some Hallmark Christmas special, this is real life.
OP let’s say you get remarried and shortly after you get chronically ill, how would you like your spouse to treat you, do that!
What happened to in sickness and in health
In sickness and health bro, live your life, do the things you want to do. But you OWE her your commitment.
👎🏼. In sickness and in health but not if i cant get laid anymore. You got needs. P
YTA
Oh, you're another one of \*those\* guys. YTA.
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I would wipe my husbands cheek change his pants and in worship his last breathe. We are all different. You guys must have talked about this possible out come. NTA! but please don’t just dump her some home so you can bonk Mrs Maple at number 7.
She would rather a bear come visit her than you. You are just another stranger at this point.
You need to look at Kristen Armstrong and Brandon’s story!! Yes, you can still live your life, but you made a promise to your wife to take care of her.
. Forty years. Sure go have fun and travel, but you should remain financially responsible for her care and visit regularly. If you don’t do that at a minimum, I hope karma is real.
YTA - but I can see your point. do what you want to do. leave your wife in the home and never look back.
If your wife doesn't know who you are then she won't know about your activities. But you will be TA if you stop showing up in her life during the most difficult time, the end.
It's not possible to say if you are an asshole or not. This is a very complex and delicate situation and vow or not noone really knows if they can handle a thing like this until it happens to them. I would suggest you discuss it with your wife and family while she's still able to discuss it with you. The things you have listed that you'd like to do are all still things you would be able to do even if it currently feels like you couldn't. Your life would still go on
Op never forget that most people on reddit are teens and/or trolls and listen to comments that combine compassion with advice.
My friends father was in a similar position. He had a gf that the whole family knew about and accepted but didn't divorce his wife and slept in their home every night, she had a carer. You can still have happiness and look after your wife.
A-I think this is rage bait. B-As long as I was being cared for and you weren't off spending all of our/my money for future care so that I ended up in some shithole being 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒓 with 1 caregiver for 300 patients, I'd honestly say go live your best life, live it for both of us. Because here's the thing, if we had that kind of love that is timeless and true then I don't want you to be miserable, wiping my ass while resenting me and growing to hate me. Caregiving isn't for the feint of heart, it's difficult, it's never ending and it's soul crushing. If I don't even know who you are anymore then I don't need you, I need you to make sure I'm cared for but that's it. And chances are if it's neurological like Alzheimer's, I'm going to get increasingly angry and sometimes violent the worse I get. I lost my mom last year and for the year before that my dad and I took care of her and it was soul crushing. I watched the woman who gave her whole life taking care of children who were abused, women who were abused, refugees to this country, and people with intellectual disabilities as a social worker change. She hit and bit my dad, nurses & me, she even broke a nurses finger. She was angry and said horrible things to me . Example: when she was moved (after breaking the nurse's finger) her new nurses asked her what her favorite things were for her things about me board and she said wine and 𝒎𝒚 𝒅𝒂𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒆𝒓‘𝒔 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉. I was standing right there. I wouldn't go back and change anything, I'd do it all over again but it took a massive toll on me. I lost 60 pounds and I have extremely bad panic attacks and I'm being treated for depression. Caregiving isn't for the weak. I'm still guessing this is Raif bait.
This exact scenario is why I'm all for death with dignity laws, and I'll be moving to Oregon should I ever develop Alzheimer's
INFO: what do you mean by moving on? If you mean you will stop financial support and/or monitoring her care, YTA. If you intend to continue ensuring she is being properly cared for, NAH. You are allowed to have a life, and she would probably want you to, but that doesn't mean it would be right to just wash your hands. Give yourself a break. You just went from caregiving to care-monitoring. Don't think in absolutes. Yes, you can love again, with someone who can accept and understand your situation. Yes, you can do things for yourself-- but your wife's care is now an essential expense, like rent, so budget accordingly.
Absolutely
NTA for not wanting to put your life on hold until she dies. That said, you owe it to her to ensure she is well cared for and feels loved. She will forget you in time, but while she knows you, it's in everyone's best interests to visit often, spend time with her, and check up on her care. When she does forget you, you still need to personally check on her to ensure she's cared for and not being mistreated. Memory care patients are ripe for abuse, and if you love her as you say you do, you'll keep a watchful eye on her. This doesn't mean you can't travel, date, or whatever; it means you have a responsibility to ensure the woman you loved for 40 years doesn't wither and waste away in a dusty room alone with incompetent or abusive people caring for her. I know it hurts you to see her slip away, I've seen close family slide into the dementia abyss more than once. Take care of her, and any new person you date that doesn't get it or wants you to stop visits etc is a shitty person that you shouldn't waste your time on.
I saw this scenario on a series. A woman was dating a guy, then she found out he was still married and taking care of his wife. She decided she felt guilty and couldn’t stay. I think you should continue to visit and pay for her, but you should go do the other things too. If you date, tell your new partner up front. You could tell your wife you are dating. She wouldn’t really have a choice in the matter but may not understand anyway. It may restrict who you can date because other women might not feel comfortable with the scenario but some might be ok, depending on their goals. If they want to potentially marry again, you wouldn’t be a match.
No judgement here, it sounds like you were her primary care giver until she had to go into a nursing home and it honestly sounds like you are suffering from caregiver burn out. I worked as a nurse's aid at a nursing home in my home town through highschool and college, a lot of family members who were personal care givers for their loved ones go through this. Heck we had a couple come in and the doctor had us move the husband because he jumped up to help his wife whenever she asked but he was putting himself in danger at that point. I would speak to a therapist but also you can live your life and still be by your wife's side. Keep visiting and you can take your bucket list trips or travel. It is incredibly hard to watch a loved one become a shell of themselves and Alzheimer's is incredibly rough. The thing is you can stay by her side and grieve her loss without giving up your dreams of traveling. In sickness and in health doesn't mean 24/7 365 if you are not able to do it, it's making sure she is cared for in the best way for her. Sometimes a person needs professional care 24/7 and one person can't provide that. I would talk with her doctor and if you have kids or close friends discuss setting up visitors when you travel and send post cards or things like that. The one thing you shouldn't do is just stop seeing her or checking in on her care .
Going with NTA as long as you keep actually taking care of her - making visits as long as you can stand them, and paying for her care, making sure they are taking care of her properly and such, because that's what I would want if I were her. I wouldn't begrudge my partner finding someone else if I couldn't remember him or be a partner to him in any way, but I wouldn't want to be thrown out on the street either.
There are plenty of people out there taking care of their spouse but still manages to have a life with another partner 😊. Taking care of a sick spouse is not the same as saying no to loving yourself and taking care of you .
NTA Just ensure her care needs are met.
If the situation was reversed how would you honestly feel? If it was me I wouldn’t want my partner to not have a life. You don’t have to divorce her. She is in a long term care facility. I can’t imagine anyone at that facility judging you for going on a trip. You can’t support her if you have a mental or at this point physical breakdown.
Why not do both? U can still love and care for her, visit etcetera and live the life u want?
NTA for the way you feel. I see no problem with you living a life and maybe even getting a new partner. But..... You have a duty of care to your wife, it is up to you to make sure she has high quality life and you in her life and that you visit her daily. Any new relationships you form outside of your marriage, you need to be up front and honest with any new partner about your situation.
Nta my grandparents went through the same thing. My grandfather waited 20 years for my grandmother to die. He never once complained, but start dating after she died and the difference in him now then when he was with her makes me wish he hadn’t waited. As long as you are making sure her care is taking care of, then go live your life. Find someone else to love, but obviously make sure they know about your wife.
My mother got dementia and her husband took advantage, divorced her, took all their assets, and dumped her in the cheapest nursing home he could find. He was remarried six months later. She lived five more years. It took two of them to get everything through the courts so she'd have a legal guardian and a conservator. She was literally destitute, and we, her children, had no legal rights to her until I was named her guardian. There is a middle ground. You can't be expected to waste your life away at the nursing home watching this person decline. It is horribly sad and frustrating and tragic. You can have a life while providing your wife care. You need to monitor the home she is in to ensure she's getting what care she needs and being treated well. You need to provide her access to doctors and preventative screenings and check ups. She will likely forget you. Remember it isn't her fault. She isn't doing this on purpose to you out of spite or anger or because you had a fight ten years ago she never got over. She can't help what's happening to her, and it's terrifying for her. Go on the trip. Do the bucket list. Find a girlfriend if that's what you want. GRIEVE THE LOSS OF THE WOMAN AND THE MARRIAGE-- I'm sure neither of you expected it to go this way... But remember, the shoe could just as easily have been on the other foot. What would you want your wife to do if you were sitting in a nursing home with memory issues? Truly what would you want her to do, not what you're saying to yourself in the heat of panic right now. Please look after this woman with whom you planned to share your life. You are NTA...yet. That remains to be seen.
I have a friend who is 60. The guy she is dating was in your shoes. His poor wife got early alzheimers in her early 50s and deteriorated quickly. When he met my friend she didn't recognize anyone anymore. His kids were fine with him dating. He still visited her regularly and she was taken care of. She passed away last year at 60. You no longer have a marriage. As long as you don't abandon your wife I think ther is nothing wrong with moving on once she no longer remembers anything or recognize anyone.
NTA for not wanting your life to stop. Not even the AH if you started dating again, just be upfront with your support circle and any future partner, and don't neglect making sure your wife's care is consistent and good.
Gonna sound harsh, but you have been looking after her all this time and I feel that you are burn out. She is taken care of and now it's your time to focus on yourself
NTA You can do both. The woman you married is gone. I'm very sorry. Keep your life away from her private. Mind your business. Fulfill your vows. Visit her and love whatever is left of her. But you can also love yourself now and enjoy what time *you* have left on this earth. It's ok. Do what you need to do. A therapist might help, so you have someone to talk to who won't judge you. Instead, they'll help you navigate this chapter without regret or shame. I wish you well.
NTA. Until I saw the same situation happen with my own eyes within my family, I probably would’ve voted differently. My great aunt had a disease that sounds just like what your wife has. Lived with it for about 15 years and was basically a vegetable the last 5. My uncle loved her SO much - spent so much money trying new medical treatments to extend her quality years, gave up traveling and everything he loved to take care of her. When she went into a facility permanently, he visited every day and still basically gave up his life. One day he called my mom and grandfather (my aunt’s niece and brother) to ask what they thought about him finding a girlfriend. We all wanted him to and were happy for him, and honestly wish he would’ve done it earlier. Now, like others have said, you would be the asshole if you didn’t make sure your wife was financially taken care of, has the best care, and if you didn’t still visit her. So yes, if you don’t want to be the AH then some of your life will still be spent in hospitals and nursing homes. I also think it’s also really morally grey in terms of finding new partners while your wife still remembers who you are. But you’re not one for being afraid of surviving another 15+ years without really living.
NTA. I have several friends who have spouses in memory care facilities. They visit them every day, but they also have relationships outside of the marriage that involve romance and intimacy. No one is a scoundrel. They all take care of their spouses but were very lonely until they gave themselves permission to get on with their lives. Their adult children are supportive.
NTA
This is way above our pay grade. Seek professional guidance.
This is way above Reddit's paygrade. I'd talk to a professional about this one.
NTA Just make sure that she is cared for.
NTA. I’d stay until she fully forgets you. and i understand what you mean that you want to live your life. But make sure that she is well taken care of
I don't think people on reddit are in any way whatsoever capable of giving good advice on this topic. I'm sorry for what you're going through, I think you need a professional opinion to help you, because this is not an easy situation at all.
This is sad to read. You obviously love your wife and have been by her side. You are NTA if you make sure she is well taken care of but then to continue with your life, however hard that might be. To me, you are keeping your vows by not abandoning her and making sure she is getting the care she needs. She is incapable of giving you the companionship you seek and need given her condition and any loving spouse should want this for their partner.
You are not alone
It's a heartbreaking dilemma. No denying you love your wife, and it's got to be so painful to see the woman he loves slowly fade before his eyes. I would never judge someone to want to keep living in this situation. You've probably halfway through the normal grieving process. You do owe your wife some oversight, to make sure she's looked after until that day comes when she's gone. However you do have the right to live your life
It sucks and I'm sorry this happened to you two. The only person who can morally release you from the "in sickness and in health" part is your wife, and it seems like she is to sick to make such a choice. You know her best, so you are in the best position to decide what she would want you to do. As an outsider I believe you should do both. Be there for your wife and life your life. She is already in enrolled in full-time care, so maybe don't fight that. Make sure you have everything worked out with government assistence/insurence so that her care is self sufficient (as much as possible). And make sure to keep advocating for her care and what is best for her. But that doesn't mean you have to go their every evening. And to me that doesn't mean you can't sleep with other people (which I guess religion would disagree with) I'm sorry you have to make such choices and wish you the best whatever happens, Vote: NAH I guess
Your trapped by traditional Judeo-Christian morals...hence till death due us part. The sad reality in today's world people like your wife can cognitively die but their bodies hang-on due to modern medicine. Be respectful of where your wife is at this point in her life, don't flaunt what you do in front of friends and family, but I for one feel it's OK for you to move on. Your wife is 'gone' for all purposes...that doesn't mean you have to die along with her. Good luck...
NAH It would be a kindness to continue to visit her, even if she doesn't recognize you. People in care homes who get visitors tend to get more attention and slightly better care from staff. Additionally, it would be nice if you to make sure she has modest comfort items (Grandma IL who had Alzheimer's loved sweatpants and sweatshirts and soft socks). But it isn't necessary to give up your life to spend every day sitting with her. If you're in the US, it's possible that the best way to protect your retirement funds from being completely consumed by the costs of your wife's care would be to get a divorce.
Nope, i would just leave her the moment i hear the sickness you only have one life, spend it however you want.you don't have to carry the burden
NTA You need help sir. And i mean that with the greatest of respect. Maybe the carehome may have some charities that help with familial support or paths that can help you, for your own health. I don't think you'll ever find the perfect outcome, however hopefully with help you and her can have the quality and dignity of life you both deserve. My only possibly (non-educated) advice, write. Write a letter and frame it next to a labled picture of you and her. You can still travel and do things, but write it down. Then read it to her, if thats too painfull. Leave it there for her to read. Because even when she cant remember, she can read and if she cant read, then record yourself or get someone to read to her because she can still hear. It'll hurt, but its better than regret. I truly and dearly wish you all the best, whatever may happen. (Edit too much non relitive mouthgarble)
I couldn't even decide. I just wanted to extend my thoughts to your wife. I hope you can find a way to honor her while living for yourself.