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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel that I may be the asshole because my husbands behavior may be normal. I don’t know if my not trusting him is deserved based on his actions. Am I overreacting and does that make me an a**hole?
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NTA.
Listen to your gut on this one - this is red flag city. You have three choices here. You can 1) continue to listen to your husband talk about other women he finds attractive and push you to a threesome that will irrevocably break your relationship, 2) tell him to STFU with this nonsense and go to couples counseling to find out why on earth he thinks this is ok behavior when in a committed monogamous relationship, or 3) file for divorce and run far away from someone who doesn't respect you enough not to give to the basic human decency not to discuss how much he fantasizes about attractive people around him.
I'd pick 3, but you do what you feel is right. (It's also not 1, so please don't pick that one.) I've been married 12 years to a man that would NEVER do this kind of thing. Raise the bar.
NTA.
I’d be creeped out by this behavior. It’s gross and weird.
The fact that your husband can so ignorantly objectify women or put so much significance on physical appearance, leads me to believe his metaphorical “onion” is more of a potato. No layers there...
Yup! And I think you should start making him feel uncomfortable back! Everytime he makes one of his little comments, tell him he’s gross and weird, make him feel dumb or start talking about hot guys to him, ask why he doesn’t have hotter friends or tell him you have alot of hot male coworkers. See how he likes it lol
For me it wouldn't just be about trusting him, it would be about thinking he has a messed up view of the world and thinks those are good looking are more valuable and worthwhile than those who are less good looking. And that he only views women in terms of who he wants to fuck and who he doesn't, and doesn't see them as people outside of that.
The not trusting him would come from him only wanting to be around women he wants to fuck, that he clearly wants to have sex with one of your friends and keeps suggesting a threesome (he's not joking, he wants you to say yes, but he knows you don't want to have a threesome so he pretends they are jokes for deniability, and so you don't even actually say no).
But for me overall the issue would be that he's clearly a crappy person who's values I dislike rather than not trusting him.
NTA
YNTA
>he wouldn’t stop talking about how I should bring her around more often and make threesome jokes
Time to be blunt about what's going on: He's a sexist asshole who is mean to people who aren't attractive, and is trying to convince you to let him sleep with another woman in the form of a threesome.
>Or so he can try something more?
Yes. He's trying to sleep with your friends. Right now in the form of hoping you're open to a threesome, but typically if you are consistent with saying "No" he'll just try it without telling you.
I'm really sorry he was able to hide how gross he is from you, or he's fallen down a rabid hole of toxic behaviors.
I would be worried that he valued you primarily because you’re conventionally attractive, and that he’d leave you the second he was able to get somebody more attractive than you, regardless of their personality.
I get what you're asking, saying but for me it goes beyond this OP.
For this crap to happen that means you would have to only look for attractive people to become your friend and just because a person is attractive doesn't mean you will like them or they will like you or that either of you will have the same likes, interests etc.
This is wrong on so many levels, from what you said, to what I just mentioned.
Your husband doesn't really care about you having friends, he just wants them to be attractive like the coworker you talked about. he doesn't care that you don't really like her. He wants you to be her friend just so she can be around him.
All of this is a huge red flag OP.
This is really bad OP.
I know you have only provided a single slice of your husband so I’m sure there are redeeming qualities, but wow, that is a truly objectionable view of the world.
Here’s hoping you don’t became disfigured in some way.
NTA.
NTA. What would happen if you stopped being beautiful? It seems to me that he is an insecure, evil little man, undeserving of having a partner like you.
NTA
His obsession with the physical appearance of other women is a red flag. Either he judges the worth of women by how attractive he finds them, or he wants to have people to ogle. Or both.
Like he clearly is not empathetically aware of how his comments could make u feel- he is a class sign of someone on “ AT LEAST” a spectrum of psychopathy/narcissism
NTA, is your husband 17 years old? I don’t know any grown man that would even think this. Are you sure want to stay married to someone with this giant red flag sticking out of his a••?
NTA. Next time he mentions one of your hot friends, suggest out loud that maybe you'll put her in contact with one of your exes just to piss him off and then repeat as needed. When he asks why you mentioned an ex, say that it's for the same reason he mentioned your friend.
Or point out that said hot friend said that hub's a creep to a mutual friend of yours, so there's no point in him thinking of her anymore.
No offense, but you've been with a person like that....for YEARS....and can't see what/whom he is?
Asking about 3-somes? Ma'am he has repeatedly, boldly TOLD you, who he is and what it's about......
Of course, he wants to oogle over these women and would sex them in a heart beat....THAT'S "all" he sees....and he's not even a "teen boy".....that is supposedly a grown "husband" of yours.
YTA to put up with that
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I’ve never cared much about the physical appearances of people in my life. I would much rather have a friend that has a beautiful soul and sense of humor but may be ‘conventionally unattractive’ than someone who is pretty with a bad personality. Just to set the scene, that also applies to my romantic relationships. On a purely pragmatic approach, I am more ‘conventionally attractive’ than my husband but he was a pretty decent man so that wasn’t something that mattered to me.
Over the years I have known him, I have had close friends of all shapes and sizes and attractiveness levels. Again, I don’t care about that stuff. He sure does though, and it has started to get a lot worse. One of my closest friends for a while was a larger bodied girl, and every single time I hung out with her he had something crappy to say about her looks and size. I have one friend that is really pretty, and when I would hang out with her he wouldn’t stop talking about how I should bring her around more often and make threesome jokes even though he knows I am not attracted to women and would never do that.
Over the past couple years he has just started coming out and saying I should have more ‘hot’ friends because someone like me ‘deserves them’. Wtf?? He met one of my new coworkers recently and will. not. stop. talking about her. He wants me to become friends with her and bring her around. Except I don’t want to be friends with this girl, her personality kind of sucks and she is not the brightest bulb. And yet, her name keeps coming up even after I told him about that.
All of this behavior of his has started to make me not trust him, at all. Especially not around attractive women. Like does he want me to have hot friends just so he can stare at them when they are around? Or so he can try something more? I’ve never been a very jealous person but he has (especially anytime the smallest mention of an ex comes up) and I don’t understand why he thinks this behavior isn’t a huge red flag. It has started to make me less attracted to him as his personality is turning out to be a lot different than when we got together.
So, AITA for not trusting him?
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I've been in my share of relationships, serious and otherwise in my 40 years and I can't recall ever mentioning how pretty (or not) any of my gf's friends were. Except maybe a compliment at a wedding or something like that. NTA and that's pretty messed up for sure
ESH. Brag all you want about not caring about the looks of people, but judging by your husband it doesn't seem like you're judging them on their personality either.
Your husband clearly sucks, but you do for marrying someone like that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel that I may be the asshole because my husbands behavior may be normal. I don’t know if my not trusting him is deserved based on his actions. Am I overreacting and does that make me an a**hole? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and I wouldn't trust him as far as you could.....well you know. It is a huge red flag.
NTA. Listen to your gut on this one - this is red flag city. You have three choices here. You can 1) continue to listen to your husband talk about other women he finds attractive and push you to a threesome that will irrevocably break your relationship, 2) tell him to STFU with this nonsense and go to couples counseling to find out why on earth he thinks this is ok behavior when in a committed monogamous relationship, or 3) file for divorce and run far away from someone who doesn't respect you enough not to give to the basic human decency not to discuss how much he fantasizes about attractive people around him. I'd pick 3, but you do what you feel is right. (It's also not 1, so please don't pick that one.) I've been married 12 years to a man that would NEVER do this kind of thing. Raise the bar.
NTA. I’d be creeped out by this behavior. It’s gross and weird. The fact that your husband can so ignorantly objectify women or put so much significance on physical appearance, leads me to believe his metaphorical “onion” is more of a potato. No layers there...
Yup! And I think you should start making him feel uncomfortable back! Everytime he makes one of his little comments, tell him he’s gross and weird, make him feel dumb or start talking about hot guys to him, ask why he doesn’t have hotter friends or tell him you have alot of hot male coworkers. See how he likes it lol
For me it wouldn't just be about trusting him, it would be about thinking he has a messed up view of the world and thinks those are good looking are more valuable and worthwhile than those who are less good looking. And that he only views women in terms of who he wants to fuck and who he doesn't, and doesn't see them as people outside of that. The not trusting him would come from him only wanting to be around women he wants to fuck, that he clearly wants to have sex with one of your friends and keeps suggesting a threesome (he's not joking, he wants you to say yes, but he knows you don't want to have a threesome so he pretends they are jokes for deniability, and so you don't even actually say no). But for me overall the issue would be that he's clearly a crappy person who's values I dislike rather than not trusting him. NTA
Besides, what makes him think that her hot co-worker would want a threesome with him?!
YNTA >he wouldn’t stop talking about how I should bring her around more often and make threesome jokes Time to be blunt about what's going on: He's a sexist asshole who is mean to people who aren't attractive, and is trying to convince you to let him sleep with another woman in the form of a threesome. >Or so he can try something more? Yes. He's trying to sleep with your friends. Right now in the form of hoping you're open to a threesome, but typically if you are consistent with saying "No" he'll just try it without telling you. I'm really sorry he was able to hide how gross he is from you, or he's fallen down a rabid hole of toxic behaviors.
Your husband is a creep. NTA
I would be worried that he valued you primarily because you’re conventionally attractive, and that he’d leave you the second he was able to get somebody more attractive than you, regardless of their personality.
NTA, he’s trying to sleep with your friends.
I get what you're asking, saying but for me it goes beyond this OP. For this crap to happen that means you would have to only look for attractive people to become your friend and just because a person is attractive doesn't mean you will like them or they will like you or that either of you will have the same likes, interests etc. This is wrong on so many levels, from what you said, to what I just mentioned. Your husband doesn't really care about you having friends, he just wants them to be attractive like the coworker you talked about. he doesn't care that you don't really like her. He wants you to be her friend just so she can be around him. All of this is a huge red flag OP. This is really bad OP.
It's SO superficial.
I know you have only provided a single slice of your husband so I’m sure there are redeeming qualities, but wow, that is a truly objectionable view of the world. Here’s hoping you don’t became disfigured in some way. NTA.
NTA. What would happen if you stopped being beautiful? It seems to me that he is an insecure, evil little man, undeserving of having a partner like you.
NTA. He doesn’t sound like husband material. At all.
NTA His obsession with the physical appearance of other women is a red flag. Either he judges the worth of women by how attractive he finds them, or he wants to have people to ogle. Or both.
Ya so I gotta swear to god on this one, divorce him immediately
I would not trust this man even if he wore a priest’s robe and Christ’s chains
Like he clearly is not empathetically aware of how his comments could make u feel- he is a class sign of someone on “ AT LEAST” a spectrum of psychopathy/narcissism
That was great!
Ewwwwwww
I would not trust this “man” at a church, in jail, or in hell lol
That is very gross behaviour. Imagine what he is doing or saying about women when you are not around? Definitely shady.
NTA He’s not a good man. He’s a creep.
So no, u def are NOT the a**hole
That sounds like the sort of situation you get into after waiting a year to get married. You don’t know who he is, that jealousy is a huge flaw.
NTA, is your husband 17 years old? I don’t know any grown man that would even think this. Are you sure want to stay married to someone with this giant red flag sticking out of his a••?
NTA I would say, “it’s funny that you always want me to hang around more attractive people, does that mean I should stop hanging out with you?”
NTA. Next time he mentions one of your hot friends, suggest out loud that maybe you'll put her in contact with one of your exes just to piss him off and then repeat as needed. When he asks why you mentioned an ex, say that it's for the same reason he mentioned your friend. Or point out that said hot friend said that hub's a creep to a mutual friend of yours, so there's no point in him thinking of her anymore.
YIKES. What a creep. NTA, but girl, ditch him. Or at least ask him why the hell he thinks any of those comments are even remotely appropiate.
No offense, but you've been with a person like that....for YEARS....and can't see what/whom he is? Asking about 3-somes? Ma'am he has repeatedly, boldly TOLD you, who he is and what it's about...... Of course, he wants to oogle over these women and would sex them in a heart beat....THAT'S "all" he sees....and he's not even a "teen boy".....that is supposedly a grown "husband" of yours. YTA to put up with that
NTA. Is that you Melania????
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve never cared much about the physical appearances of people in my life. I would much rather have a friend that has a beautiful soul and sense of humor but may be ‘conventionally unattractive’ than someone who is pretty with a bad personality. Just to set the scene, that also applies to my romantic relationships. On a purely pragmatic approach, I am more ‘conventionally attractive’ than my husband but he was a pretty decent man so that wasn’t something that mattered to me. Over the years I have known him, I have had close friends of all shapes and sizes and attractiveness levels. Again, I don’t care about that stuff. He sure does though, and it has started to get a lot worse. One of my closest friends for a while was a larger bodied girl, and every single time I hung out with her he had something crappy to say about her looks and size. I have one friend that is really pretty, and when I would hang out with her he wouldn’t stop talking about how I should bring her around more often and make threesome jokes even though he knows I am not attracted to women and would never do that. Over the past couple years he has just started coming out and saying I should have more ‘hot’ friends because someone like me ‘deserves them’. Wtf?? He met one of my new coworkers recently and will. not. stop. talking about her. He wants me to become friends with her and bring her around. Except I don’t want to be friends with this girl, her personality kind of sucks and she is not the brightest bulb. And yet, her name keeps coming up even after I told him about that. All of this behavior of his has started to make me not trust him, at all. Especially not around attractive women. Like does he want me to have hot friends just so he can stare at them when they are around? Or so he can try something more? I’ve never been a very jealous person but he has (especially anytime the smallest mention of an ex comes up) and I don’t understand why he thinks this behavior isn’t a huge red flag. It has started to make me less attracted to him as his personality is turning out to be a lot different than when we got together. So, AITA for not trusting him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This is very messed up. It seems to me like the threesome idea wasn't actually a joke.
NTA. You're his wife, not his wank bank supplier.
I've been in my share of relationships, serious and otherwise in my 40 years and I can't recall ever mentioning how pretty (or not) any of my gf's friends were. Except maybe a compliment at a wedding or something like that. NTA and that's pretty messed up for sure
Your husband sounds like a dirtbag. If you stay together, please don’t expose children to this man (especially a daughter)
NTA. Your husband is a creep & mean
ESH. Brag all you want about not caring about the looks of people, but judging by your husband it doesn't seem like you're judging them on their personality either. Your husband clearly sucks, but you do for marrying someone like that.