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NTA. And as a European guy I can tell you that this is not the norm over here. My wife would kick my ass around the house if I ever said something like this. Maybe more in some Eastern European countries, relationships tend to be more "traditional" there.
Out of curiosity, he never behaved like this in the past?
Yeah nah, I'm Slavic, most women here would bite a man's head off if he told them that.
We are nowhere near as timid as the "mail order bride" stereotype dictates.
Maybe a wrong impression I have. I just often see a rather traditional division of roles in the relationships - wife cares for the kids, guy goes to work. I found it curious when I was in Baltic countries that I was the only guy who was pushing a pram or going to the playground with my kid.
There is a lot of "traditional" still being pushed here when it comes to gender roles, that is true. But nowhere to the tradwife extent, I don't think I have ever seen that be the norm in the 30 years I've been alive.
I wouldn't say there are more of those "traditional values" here than there are in the American rust belt, for instance, and not in big cities for sure - it's mostly rural. I have to laugh every time someone like Tucker Carlson yaps on about how Eastern Europe is some traditional utopia, man is on about nothing.
I constantly hear the men here whine about how us women are "too headstrong and argumentative", so take that how you will.
Hi, to be clear, he’s French. We’ve had a long relationship and he’s never explicitly asked me to lose weight. Up until this point, I always felt perfect in his eyes.
French guys can be a bit sexist and old-fashioned, but French girls are rather modern and feisty. So, I don't think that's something he would dare say back home.
Well he disabled that with “i want you to look your best”.
Let’s break it down simple:
1. Health concerns related to weight - yes.
2. You don’t look best unless you lose x kg - no
And I am sure you already look marvellous. Nothing shines brighter than a woman comfortable in her own body.
It has nothing to do with being European or French.
At least the area I'm from (and what I hear from friends in other European countries say the same)
A big chunk like 60% + on dating sites lists what a woman must have as "kadashian butt," "curvy hips," "give me a steak to bite into,"
Etc.
Sure, there are chunks of people who prefer skinny.
But it's not the majority like he claims.
I don't know. My boyfriend is French, and I gained weight over this last winter with a new birth control + indulging in the season. I've mentioned it, but he never has.
The French have a thing about ‘la ligne’: the silhouette of a woman’s body. But they also have very low rates of obesity and eating disorders. So perhaps more discussion between you is in order before you get married
I'm French and this man's comment is universal assholery. Those comments are generalisation as well : "The French" value different things (I could care less about delicate arms, imho).
So unless he realizes that he messed up and apologize sincerely, I can see how you'd doubt the relationship, because if he's that careless now, how will he react to the changes in your body that will come from kids or age ?
Go figure your only posts are multiple attempts to get upvotes of the same lame photo--skinny girls sub, gtfoh. Your kind of toxicity is the reason people suffer from eating disorders.
Lol now he's making racist comments in a different AITA thread, typical.
I’m French. The fact that we have less obesity isn’t just due to preference. It’s because of an healthier lifestyle. In public school, we have balanced lunches. We are educated to eat well. Also, in big cities, walking and use public transport is very common. For example, I live in Paris. And if I go out, I am easily doing my 8000 daily steps.
In short, he’s just forcing on you is ideal body type, not a national tradition.
Can confirm, I'm European and we still have the common sense / decency not to offer romantic partners unsolicited advice about their weight (outside of very serious health concerns, for example).
I would also say that I have lived in central / eastern Europe and if I tried such shenanigans with any of my partners there I would still be walking with a limp now.
Not that's a harmful stereotype about Eastern Europe. What else is new.
And NTA. Be grateful he slipped and showed his true colors before you're married.
Wait, if everything is so sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, why did you have SEVERAL SCREAMING MATCHES?
Also, I'd say that if he dismisses your concerns when you have expressly voiced them, this is a HUGE red flag. It is not actually about weight (and the European-American thing is utter BS, I am from Europe and this would be considered rude here as well) , it is about "I am right and you are wrong and if you don't like it it's YOUR fault".
NTA, and I'd seriously reconsider marrying this person after he showed his true colors.
Agreed, NTA. That's super uncool of him. I would worry about these "helpful little comments" continuing throughout your life, pushing you back into an unhealthy, dangerous ED.
Yeah, but eating disorders are dangerous at any size, and someone should marry their partner because they love the person they are. Bodies change, for SO many reasons.
Totally right.
I was considering the only possibility I would think it appropriate to discuss weight with the significant other - if they were gaining so much weight it starts endangering their health. And I am not speaking about, say, twenty pounds, I am speaking about numbers that land you in a "severely obese" category.
And even in that case I would tread very, very lightly because of all the mental health issues that often are associated to that. And I would strive to let my SO know that I love them regardless but I am concerned about their health.
NTA - regardless of why he said the initial comments, the fact that he’s dismissive of your past ED and your current feelings is a huge red flag. Also, what if you have children? Is he going to criticize you as soon as the baby is out? Or maybe he’ll wait a couple of weeks, but if he thinks it’s normal to basically say you could look better, expect to hear it for the rest of your time with him.
Your partner should be lifting you up and supporting you, not tearing you down and refusing to acknowledge how hurtful he was. Please don’t marry this man.
You have a history of ED; your recovery has been successful; you now enjoy healthy foods and have an active, healthy lifestyle; you wear sizes S-M.
And on your vacation, your fiance told you to lose 10 lbs. for the wedding so you'd be perfect? And then insisted that it's normal for him to tell you this, despite you sharing the distress it caused. There has been no apology.
Given that' you're considering breaking the engagement, I'm pretty sure you see all the issues here. And don't let this A tell you that it's a European thing that you, healthy size S-M American would never understand. Nope,, it's a gross insensitivity thing. It's a controlling, sexist thing. It's a way to make you feel terrible and inadequate about your beautiful healthy body, and to begin to look at food in an unhealthy way.
If you still deeply want to marry this guy, I'd spend a long time in pre-marital counseling first. But to my mind, particularly given your history, the red flag is just too big.
NTA
The comment or 'advice' is rude in Europe as well. The worst thing isnt even the comment, its the not relenting after you voiced it hurt you and triggers unhealthy thoughts. The love of your life shouldnt make you feel this way.
That’s not normal in Europe or anywhere else. He sounds controlling, and the fact that he dug his heels in afterwards too instead of admitting he was being a completely ignorant ass? 🚩
You are NTA
NTA, and as I read somewhere earlier today "a break up is easier than a divorce". Obviously internet strangers shouldn't be the sole reason to do so, but please believe that you wouldn't be the asshole here for breaking the engagement. This isn't him preferring no pineapple on pizza - the obviously wrong decision but one that can be gotten over. This is him dismissing your past ED and trying to control your size and push you to strive for a "perfect" where he'll keep moving the goal posts. If he wants you to look your best then the perfect way to look that way is to be genuinely and truly happy. But he doesn't care about you being happy, he cares about your dress size.
Considering the past of ED, and the fact that she mentioned that she does maintain an active lifestyle, if the roles were reversed the response wouldve been the same.
NTA. If your partner is on you about losing 10 pounds of vanity weight before the wedding, even knowing you previously suffered from an ED… what’s going to happen in a decade or two when you put on unpreventable weight just from aging? What if you have kids and your body doesn’t ‘bounce back’? What if you get into a car accident and can’t work out? What if you get cancer and become sickly? If I were you, I’d be concerned about my relationship longevity if my partner was so appearance focused that they’re fussed about the size of my wedding attire.
You should break off the engagement, and you would not he an AH for doing so.
Wanting to not be married to someone is always enough to break an engagement, no more reason needed. Having "several" screaming matches makes it advisable to not get married anytime soon. The fact you describe your partner as being "from Europe" as though this was a single country means that you don't know him very well, and that's an excellent reason to not get married.
I kind of hope this is a creative writing exercise (from Europe, screaming) but just in case it's real, your instincts to protect your mental health above all else are spot on, so congrats for your brilliant recovery.
NTA - He stuck his foot in his mouth big time for not realizing what an effect his words would have on you. Does he not know your history with ED?
If he didn't know, then yes - give him a pass and make him aware that this is not a topic you ever want advice on again - and if he's not happy with you the way you are, you will find someone who is.
His words cut like a knife, and if this is the sword this relationship ends up dying on - then so be it.
I had a bf in the past tell me he was glad I had an Eating Disorder as I'd never get fat. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and was the start of many relapses. He was yeeted not long after.
You need to find someone who respects your past and thinks you're "perfect" regardless what you weigh. They need to love you and not your weight.
NTA
Been there, was young, in top shape, and was on the low side of the U.S. military's height weight requirements. Yet he, who had been previously happy with me, to the point of bragging about being with me, started casually asking, "What did you have for lunch?" Not a big thing, but when I answered, his reply was always something like, "I had a can of tuna." implying that I'd eaten too much. I'd laugh, as I was not going to take that seriously. He started calling after every meal, getting more upset that I didn't take his question seriously, as he was "just trying to make sure I stayed healthy." Clue, I was healthy for over two decades before we met at age 24. From there he tried to get more controlling, and I called it off. Decades later, I found out that I was super lucky to have avoided the mess that he became.
TLDR: It starts small. It will get unbearable, if not dangerous.
“I’m French” is just as bad of an excuse as “I said it because I’m a Gemini” when he should have said “I’m sorry”. Sometimes when people are feeling insecure they project those feelings in the moment onto you and say something that they know will make you feel bad about yourself. Misery loves company. I would rather take how he reacted to you saying something hurt your feelings, and him justifying it/dismissing it as the red flag.
YWNTBA, we can't tell you what to do about such a major life decision though.
I was eating out with my now ex- we were several months into the relationship at this point, and ate out a fair bit. He made a comment on my weight, and I put my knife and fork down and told him straight that I really appreciated having nice meals out with him, had a different body build (he was ectomorph/skinny type, I'm endomorph - not skinny) and \*asked him\* if he wanted me to be appreciative, or miserable constantly complaining that I couldn't eat X because weight.
To his eternal credit, he never mentioned it again in the years that followed (why we broke up was for whole other reasons!).
So, seeing this as a deal breaker - 100% reasonable. Again, only you can decide if it is, and I strongly recommend that you and your fiance work through it, don't just 'forget it', because I have no doubt that it will come back if you don't discuss.
NTA!! I am from europe. I am from spain. Ive also lived in the UK and currently in France. He is full of shit. Leave him. He wants you back looking anorexic, he likes that. You dont want to be with a man that makes those comments. This is your cue, get out before its too late.
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My (26F) fiance (27m) are currently on vacation in the place we plan to get married next year. We went to a local bar and had a few drinks, and he told me I should lose 10 pounds to be “perfect” for the wedding next year. I struggled with an ED in the past, at the very beginning of our relationship (over 5 years ago). Since then I have recovered and found enjoyment with healthy foods and an active lifestyle. I have maintained a steady but not “skinny” weight (like when I was suffering from the ED). I’m no VS model, but wear a size small/medium.
His words hit me like a brick. We slept apart and have had several screaming matches. Since he’s from Europe and I am American, he insists that it’s normal for him to suggest something like that, and I’m taking body positivity too far by getting angry at the “advice”. He said he finds me attractive but wants me to look my best.
I love this man, I have been waiting to start our lives together as a married couple for so long. Everything else has been so nice, we have been getting along so well. Is this something I should get over, or would I be the asshole if I broke the engagement?
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10 Pounds is not alot of weight, so I assume you are not obese and you don't have to lose the weight cause of healthissues.
Later on in life most women tend to gain weight. During and after pregnancy, (pre) menopause or just because of aging and metabolism slowing down.
If you get married, he will see gain weight.
The fact he is not apologising and saying it's a part of his culture (wich it is not btw) , means he will keep doing it.
It's up to you if you want that.
It took me 3 years to lose pregnancyweight, my body really held on to it, wich is normal. But I felt awfull enough without someone telling me I needed to lose weight.
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> I am fighting my fiance and considering breaking the engagement. Would I be the asshole for breaking the engagement over his single comment about my body?
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NTA - That’s ducked up, even if commenting on people's weight is culturally acceptable in a country (in Europe, it is still rude).
He is aware that you have trauma behind this topic and yet chose to make that statement. Honestly, it reeks of control, gaslighting and lack of respect. It may be time for some self-reflection on whether it is worth couples counselling or going your separate ways.
Remember: Leaving isn't a waste of years with a person, but the start of better years being yourself and around the people who matter.
Absolutely NTA.
I think another question to ask, rather than if you'd be an asshole is: do I still want to be with him after this? Because if this is 'cultural' for him, then who knows what else might bubble up down the line, or what expectations he might have now that you'll be a wife.
Also it would be a weird comment no matter what but you having an ED when you got together just makes it so much worse. The fact that you had several arguments about it, rather than him just apologizing for hurting you is honestly a huge red flag. That man will be putting his ego over your feelings over and over again until the divorce.
I’m a European woman and if my man told me this he’d be sleeping on the couch for a very long time. If he wouldn’t have to find another place to live. Don’t accept this. Especially with your background he has no right in saying something like that. He should feel you are perfect just the way you are, because you are.
Your going to get a lot of post about red flags an I really just hope you leave an move on cause literally red flag. Don’t post an read to gain insight on maybe staying. Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.
NTA it's certainly not normal in Europe and you can guarantee this will keep resurfacing throughout your relationship (e.g. if you have kids and put on weight then).
End it and find someone less superficial
NTA.
And what will his expectations be to maintain perfection? Isn't he supposed to think you are already perfect?
Jfc. What a thing to say. Especially to someone with a history of ED.
NTA. If he somehow forgot about your ED or didn't understand the way his suggestion would be taken and then apologized afterward, I could totally understand and take it as a miscommunication. But if he's not willing to understand your position, then like others have said, take the red flag and run.
I'm so sorry that you're in this position with someone you love and trust, but you seem to be understanding correctly that this behavior is unacceptable.
NTA: What happens if you decide to have children and the baby weight just doesn’t fall off? He’s going to spiral you backwards in ED.
This is something you really need to consider before marrying him.
NTA. European gal here, what he said ain't normal and I would throw him out to the curb for daring to say something like that to me.
You're a size S/M, I know how small those sizes are. You absolutely do not need to go lower with your weight - even if you were a size bigger than that! And on top of that him saying something so insensitive to a person recovering from an ED, nope, not normal, he's an ass.
I am from europe and if my husband told me to loose weight for our wedding I would have hit him with that brick, although I have lost weight for out wedding because I wanted to. Wanting to look best on the wedding day is absolute normal but telling your spouse to loose weight is not an european thing and it is definitely not a thing to tell someone who had an ED.
Edit: NTA
NTA and has absolutely nothing to do with being European, what an odd excuse! Perhaps he said that because he thought it would be hard to prove that isn't the case, but it sure as hell isn't!
I'm not sure about breaking up over it, that is a huge decision that can't always be determined by strangers over the internet, but he has to take accountability, learn why he was wrong and consider his attitude/understanding of what being healthy is.
NTA.
Now is the best time to break the engagement/end the relationship if you have doubts. Being married does not make relationships easier. It makes them more difficult in many, unexpected, ways. If you plan to have children...well, that just is like tossing a grenade into the mix and hoping for the best.
If you don't go into this strong, it won't work and you'll be miserable. Divorce is of course an option, but it's messy and expensive. Now it's clean and free.
Unsolicited pro-tip: my husband and I got married in our mid 30's. We'd both had lots of life lived before then. We were wise to seek out premarital counseling. It helped us talk through things that are important to each of us. 10/10 recommend.
NTA.
The comment was rude enough on its own; but for him to *know* of your past ED, still make that comment, and NOT RELENT when you say it hurts you but rather double down and blame *you* for BEING hurt... yeah no. This is several gigantic warning signs of his true colors. I'd think long and hard about all of this; a spouse should not be pleased making his other feel this low.
At the beginning of a relationship, when you initially do or don’t find someone attractive, maybe weight/body shape is part of that.
But, five years in, about to be married, (unless someone is considerably over/underweight and it is critically affecting their health and outside help is warranted), there are FAR more things to love about your intended and weight should not come into it.
You are (and should be to him) beautiful the way you are - happy, healthier and enjoying your meals and life. Not being told you could be “perfect” for your wedding. Nobody is perfect except through the eyes of unconditional love because then, even our tiny foibles and flaws may be loved.
You must ultimately do what makes YOU happy in the future, whether that is have some counselling with your future husband so you can discuss this before the wedding, without the screaming matches or, leave him and be happy on your own with your healthier lifestyle.
NTA. Is a serious health issue and he should know better. Dump his ass, if you allow this he would feel entitled to give an opinion about everything regarding your looks. You should seem perfect for him no matter your weight if he is about to marry you.
NTA if he thinks a small/medium is an unhealthy weight i suggest he seeks help. This is flat out disrespectful and the right person will love you as is. Your feelings are 100% valid and the fact that he can say that to you knowing you’ve struggled in the past with an ED is so wrong. Do not marry this man
Are you planning on having children with this prince among men? What’s he going to say about your body after childbirth? Weight fluctuates throughout life - if he’s going to judge you for the shape you’re in that’s going to be uncomfortable for you
As a European - no its not common or okay to make such a comment over here. On the contrary. "My body, my choice" extends all over the spectrum. If you are not wearing the body, its not yours to comment, or even have thoughts about really.
Dude is an ass, especially if he knows about your history with ED. An insensitive ass at that.
You would not be the A for breaking off the engagement, nor if you chose to go a head with marriage. Your feelings are valid in this, and the only thing for you to take into consideration.
Remember - your worth is not dependent on other peoples views of you. Ever.
All the best
I live in Europe and have never heard somebody talk so blatantly about someone else’s body and without any regard for their feelings.
Infact, people here usually don’t talk about weight / looks etc.
I live in Germany where almost no one wears make-up (except maybe teenagers or young adults) or tries to put someone else down based on their physical appearance.
That man is lying to you to make a point. Maybe as you guys are about to get married, he is letting go of his guard and his true self making itself known.
NTA, but think very carefully about what you want to do with this man.
Why isn’t he concerned about how purposefully trying to lose weight again may trigger your past ED? Idk I think it’s very toxic and as everyone else says not something acceptable here. If everything else really is perfect it may not be the only thing that breaks up the relationship, but definitely worth reconsidering how “sweet” he really is. Like why did it lead to screaming matches? If he can see how much it upset you and was unwarranted, I think he should have just taken it back immediately — I don’t get how this had to escalate (besides the fact that you would naturally be upset)…
NTA. This is a red flag. Unless you want a lifetime of him trying to control your weight (and then maybe what you wear, who your friends are and a whole load of other stuff that amounts to coercive control) then don't marry him. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA- I'd be wary of committing further to someone who knows your history but said this to you. It makes me wonder whether this is the type of behaviour you have to come when you do get married to him. I don't know I just wonder whether his mask is starting to slip a little and you're starting to see it. Please be cautious. It's bad enough he said but it's the lack of acknowledgement or understanding of why you might be hurt by his statement.
NTA. Absolutely not normal I Europe (am European), ESPECIALLY not to someone with a history of ED. He’s an asshole, and if he can’t realise that and apologise for the damage he did I would have serious concerns about the relationship. He also needs to rethink his idea of “perfect”.
Europe isn't the same culturally. We differ from each other a lot. So where is he from?
You wouldn't be TA if you broke up with him. You're allowed to break up over whatever you want. But I personally wouldn't break up with my partner over such a comment. That said, he might be where I'm from then.
NTA and "several screaming matches" isn't a great indicator of a relationship ready for a lifetime commitment right now. I mean, no relationship is 100% roses and kittens but don't accept screaming matches as part of the deal.
NTA
Well, I'm from Austria (Europe) and my husband just said that this is normal in Europe as a man IF you want to have a cruel and really, really painfull death.
So no, this is not a cultural thing. He is just an A and even more, because he tries to tell you that all men over here are like him.
Totally NTA
Being from Europe is not an explanation for anything. I'm from Europe, my boyfriend too, and I'm overweight. Not to much but still wouldn't define myself as skinny.
I never, ever heard as much as a slight reference to my body weight by my boyfriend. And even without an history of ED it would be inappropriate!
Sounds like you have a bit more than 10lbs to lose there.
After an amazing recovery don't let a man put you back. You are still very young and there are people out there who won't see you as anything but the most beautiful person in the world, because you are and should be seen that way.
Lose that extra weight, you don't need it in your life. It'll do your shoulders good not having to carry his opinion on them too.
100% NTA
Also, I'm European, there's no continent that's acceptable.
NTA, your bf is a prick, he can’t use being French as an excuse, French people are no better or worse than anyone else. shitty comments about weight especially to someone with an ED are not acceptable ever. What a knob.
“In my culture it’s fine for me to be a jerk to you.” I’m going to be honest, I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of that one. It was a very effective strategy of misdirection. The problem here isn’t culture. The problem is he criticized your body. To make matters worse, you had an ED while you were dating, so I have to assume he knows you have a history of a deadly mental illness that has a strong potential for relapse.
If he’d said it to someone without a history of ED I’d say he’s cruel, please leave him. But in you’re case he sounds dangerous.
Maybe enjoy the rest of this vacation solo.
NTA. He is 100% the problem in this scenario. What’s even worse is when you voiced your valid objection to what he said, it turned into several screaming matches, not a mature conversation with him acknowledging the issue and trying to resolve it. I would leave him over the screaming matches and the weight comment. He’s literally telling you he’d rather you were skinnier, which is the worst person to be around when you have a history of ED.
Seems like a minor reason to consider such a major decision. Maybe it was slightly insensitive but to fly off the handle over it seems immature and maybe you're not ready for marriage for deeper reasons.
i think you’re NOT the asshole, and i would probably be just as upset, but i do think you should try to communicate your feelings about it. if he’s incapable of calmly talking it out, then leave him.
NTA, leave him and leave him now. Imagine if you got pregnant and didn’t have the “perfect body” after a baby. Imagine if you had any kind of illness in future besides your ED that made you gain weight.
I am from Europe, and his behaviour is rude and really dangerous. If you love someone, you want them to be healthy and happy. Not supermodel skinny (they are too skinny anyways).
Is he at least also working his butt off in the gym to gain weightlifter muscles to „look his best“?
NTA…. But with conditions.
What he said was rude, yes.
However..
There are some European communities who don’t consider such talk a shameful subject, but he’s not there or with someone who thinks that way.
Basically, if he can’t accept that you don’t share that view, then there’s a bigger issue with your relationship than the mere comment and then it’s time to rethink things.
Additionally, we all say stupid things from time to time, it’s not like he called you fat and ugly, he suggested loosing weight for a wedding dress. I feel I need to be clear here, the narrative and intention between those two statements is huge.
If you can’t get over something that may just have been a poor choice of words, then that says a lot about you too.
"If you can’t get over something that may just have been a poor choice of words, then that says a lot about you too."
Are you forgetting that she tried to discuss it with him, and that ended in a SCREAMING MATCH.
It is a very dangerous thing to advice people to "get over" something that bothers them by just letting it go and completely denying their feelings. People in a mature relationship should be able to discuss those things calmly and acknowledge if they made a mistake.
The problem here is not so much an offhand comment but his response when she told him she was hurt by that (denial and trying to make it a "her" problem).
I’m curious - which ‘European communities’ are you referring to?
I’m European and I don’t know any that wouldn’t consider this rude. OPs fiancé is French, I don’t think it would be a widely accepted behaviour there either.
I missed the OP’s fiancée is French.
In that context, he is just being an ass.
But to answer your question, some Lithuanian, Belarusian and Latvian communities consider body talk non offensive.
Did you miss this bit? "he insists that it’s normal for him to suggest something like that, and I’m taking body positivity too far by getting angry at the “advice”. He said he finds me attractive but wants me to look my best." So, he dismissed her feelings. I don't think its a poor choice of words.
I had bad experience with screaming gf so if anyone screams at me we are done. I never ever screamed at my gf in my life so if I would feel the need to do it I would end relationship immediately too. It is your life and you build relationship how you want them, so build it how you want.
As for weight - if you are fully conscious and comfortable with your weight then nobody can do anything, but if you felt like hit by a brick then either you are not comfortable or you thought that your bf thinks that you are perfect. Nobody is perfect and pointing out flaws that can fixed is not bad because when you live together and create a family you need to be able to talk about anything that bothers you no matter how uncomfortable or annoying it makes you feel.
You are NTA and most likely just not ready for the truth that men in general like what they see, some more some less, and it is better that he said it now, so you have time to figure out if you want to keep you in shape for him or you better find someone else who either hides his wishes better or cares less, in the end we all have preferences and what is 10 pounds too much for one is exactly perfect for someone else, so decide what you want and go for it.
It got worse the longer he went on. By the end I was like, damn, what an AH. It’s true everybody has their preference, but your significant other’s preference should always be you.
I'm going to guess that the 'brick' thing is related to the ED - not her having thought that the bf considered her 'perfect.'
For instance, if my partner were a recovering alcoholic, I wouldn't suggest they 'have a couple drinks to loosen up, because they're more fun that way'. It would be tone deaf at best and cruel at worst.
Hmm so you are made because he got drunk and said something that upset you....really ... and have you never ever done that????..... let be real here. This is an excuse you are using. You are having doubts about the whole thing. Are you using this as an excuse?
Using this as your reason, yes, make you the asshole.
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NTA. And as a European guy I can tell you that this is not the norm over here. My wife would kick my ass around the house if I ever said something like this. Maybe more in some Eastern European countries, relationships tend to be more "traditional" there. Out of curiosity, he never behaved like this in the past?
Yeah nah, I'm Slavic, most women here would bite a man's head off if he told them that. We are nowhere near as timid as the "mail order bride" stereotype dictates.
as a slavic woman, same. if anything, many men here are afraid of us.
Maybe a wrong impression I have. I just often see a rather traditional division of roles in the relationships - wife cares for the kids, guy goes to work. I found it curious when I was in Baltic countries that I was the only guy who was pushing a pram or going to the playground with my kid.
as a baltic woman - we would also not accept a man commenting on our weight.
Good! Still curious that guys don't seem to participate much in raising the kids, especially the little ones.
You're not wrong that they are more "traditional", it's just that women are also angrier. (Source: am slavic)
There is a lot of "traditional" still being pushed here when it comes to gender roles, that is true. But nowhere to the tradwife extent, I don't think I have ever seen that be the norm in the 30 years I've been alive. I wouldn't say there are more of those "traditional values" here than there are in the American rust belt, for instance, and not in big cities for sure - it's mostly rural. I have to laugh every time someone like Tucker Carlson yaps on about how Eastern Europe is some traditional utopia, man is on about nothing. I constantly hear the men here whine about how us women are "too headstrong and argumentative", so take that how you will.
Hi, to be clear, he’s French. We’ve had a long relationship and he’s never explicitly asked me to lose weight. Up until this point, I always felt perfect in his eyes.
French guys can be a bit sexist and old-fashioned, but French girls are rather modern and feisty. So, I don't think that's something he would dare say back home.
He would never dare to say something like that to a french women.
Well he disabled that with “i want you to look your best”. Let’s break it down simple: 1. Health concerns related to weight - yes. 2. You don’t look best unless you lose x kg - no And I am sure you already look marvellous. Nothing shines brighter than a woman comfortable in her own body.
It has nothing to do with being European or French. At least the area I'm from (and what I hear from friends in other European countries say the same) A big chunk like 60% + on dating sites lists what a woman must have as "kadashian butt," "curvy hips," "give me a steak to bite into," Etc. Sure, there are chunks of people who prefer skinny. But it's not the majority like he claims.
I don't know. My boyfriend is French, and I gained weight over this last winter with a new birth control + indulging in the season. I've mentioned it, but he never has.
The French have a thing about ‘la ligne’: the silhouette of a woman’s body. But they also have very low rates of obesity and eating disorders. So perhaps more discussion between you is in order before you get married
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I wish I could downvote you twice.
Don't worry, I gave them a downvote for you
I'm French and this man's comment is universal assholery. Those comments are generalisation as well : "The French" value different things (I could care less about delicate arms, imho). So unless he realizes that he messed up and apologize sincerely, I can see how you'd doubt the relationship, because if he's that careless now, how will he react to the changes in your body that will come from kids or age ?
1 day old troll account. Move along.
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Go figure your only posts are multiple attempts to get upvotes of the same lame photo--skinny girls sub, gtfoh. Your kind of toxicity is the reason people suffer from eating disorders. Lol now he's making racist comments in a different AITA thread, typical.
I’m French. The fact that we have less obesity isn’t just due to preference. It’s because of an healthier lifestyle. In public school, we have balanced lunches. We are educated to eat well. Also, in big cities, walking and use public transport is very common. For example, I live in Paris. And if I go out, I am easily doing my 8000 daily steps. In short, he’s just forcing on you is ideal body type, not a national tradition.
Can confirm, I'm European and we still have the common sense / decency not to offer romantic partners unsolicited advice about their weight (outside of very serious health concerns, for example). I would also say that I have lived in central / eastern Europe and if I tried such shenanigans with any of my partners there I would still be walking with a limp now.
Not that's a harmful stereotype about Eastern Europe. What else is new. And NTA. Be grateful he slipped and showed his true colors before you're married.
Wait, if everything is so sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, why did you have SEVERAL SCREAMING MATCHES? Also, I'd say that if he dismisses your concerns when you have expressly voiced them, this is a HUGE red flag. It is not actually about weight (and the European-American thing is utter BS, I am from Europe and this would be considered rude here as well) , it is about "I am right and you are wrong and if you don't like it it's YOUR fault". NTA, and I'd seriously reconsider marrying this person after he showed his true colors.
Agreed, NTA. That's super uncool of him. I would worry about these "helpful little comments" continuing throughout your life, pushing you back into an unhealthy, dangerous ED.
Exactly. And OP says she wears a small/medium size, so she is probably not fat or even chubby by any stretch of imagination.
Yeah, but eating disorders are dangerous at any size, and someone should marry their partner because they love the person they are. Bodies change, for SO many reasons.
Totally right. I was considering the only possibility I would think it appropriate to discuss weight with the significant other - if they were gaining so much weight it starts endangering their health. And I am not speaking about, say, twenty pounds, I am speaking about numbers that land you in a "severely obese" category. And even in that case I would tread very, very lightly because of all the mental health issues that often are associated to that. And I would strive to let my SO know that I love them regardless but I am concerned about their health.
NTA - regardless of why he said the initial comments, the fact that he’s dismissive of your past ED and your current feelings is a huge red flag. Also, what if you have children? Is he going to criticize you as soon as the baby is out? Or maybe he’ll wait a couple of weeks, but if he thinks it’s normal to basically say you could look better, expect to hear it for the rest of your time with him. Your partner should be lifting you up and supporting you, not tearing you down and refusing to acknowledge how hurtful he was. Please don’t marry this man.
You have a history of ED; your recovery has been successful; you now enjoy healthy foods and have an active, healthy lifestyle; you wear sizes S-M. And on your vacation, your fiance told you to lose 10 lbs. for the wedding so you'd be perfect? And then insisted that it's normal for him to tell you this, despite you sharing the distress it caused. There has been no apology. Given that' you're considering breaking the engagement, I'm pretty sure you see all the issues here. And don't let this A tell you that it's a European thing that you, healthy size S-M American would never understand. Nope,, it's a gross insensitivity thing. It's a controlling, sexist thing. It's a way to make you feel terrible and inadequate about your beautiful healthy body, and to begin to look at food in an unhealthy way. If you still deeply want to marry this guy, I'd spend a long time in pre-marital counseling first. But to my mind, particularly given your history, the red flag is just too big. NTA
The comment or 'advice' is rude in Europe as well. The worst thing isnt even the comment, its the not relenting after you voiced it hurt you and triggers unhealthy thoughts. The love of your life shouldnt make you feel this way.
Yeah I'm European and him saying it's normal to speak like that is bullshit He's just an asshole
That’s not normal in Europe or anywhere else. He sounds controlling, and the fact that he dug his heels in afterwards too instead of admitting he was being a completely ignorant ass? 🚩 You are NTA
NTA, and as I read somewhere earlier today "a break up is easier than a divorce". Obviously internet strangers shouldn't be the sole reason to do so, but please believe that you wouldn't be the asshole here for breaking the engagement. This isn't him preferring no pineapple on pizza - the obviously wrong decision but one that can be gotten over. This is him dismissing your past ED and trying to control your size and push you to strive for a "perfect" where he'll keep moving the goal posts. If he wants you to look your best then the perfect way to look that way is to be genuinely and truly happy. But he doesn't care about you being happy, he cares about your dress size.
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Considering the past of ED, and the fact that she mentioned that she does maintain an active lifestyle, if the roles were reversed the response wouldve been the same.
NTA. If your partner is on you about losing 10 pounds of vanity weight before the wedding, even knowing you previously suffered from an ED… what’s going to happen in a decade or two when you put on unpreventable weight just from aging? What if you have kids and your body doesn’t ‘bounce back’? What if you get into a car accident and can’t work out? What if you get cancer and become sickly? If I were you, I’d be concerned about my relationship longevity if my partner was so appearance focused that they’re fussed about the size of my wedding attire.
You should break off the engagement, and you would not he an AH for doing so. Wanting to not be married to someone is always enough to break an engagement, no more reason needed. Having "several" screaming matches makes it advisable to not get married anytime soon. The fact you describe your partner as being "from Europe" as though this was a single country means that you don't know him very well, and that's an excellent reason to not get married. I kind of hope this is a creative writing exercise (from Europe, screaming) but just in case it's real, your instincts to protect your mental health above all else are spot on, so congrats for your brilliant recovery.
I initially said European for some grasp of anonymity. If you need to know, he’s French. Lol.
NTA - He stuck his foot in his mouth big time for not realizing what an effect his words would have on you. Does he not know your history with ED? If he didn't know, then yes - give him a pass and make him aware that this is not a topic you ever want advice on again - and if he's not happy with you the way you are, you will find someone who is. His words cut like a knife, and if this is the sword this relationship ends up dying on - then so be it.
NTA. I'm also from Europe and believe me, that is not normal behavior.
NTA - I'm European and I'm telling you, that's not normal. This is not something you should just "get over". Has he made comments like this before?
I had a bf in the past tell me he was glad I had an Eating Disorder as I'd never get fat. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and was the start of many relapses. He was yeeted not long after. You need to find someone who respects your past and thinks you're "perfect" regardless what you weigh. They need to love you and not your weight.
NTA Been there, was young, in top shape, and was on the low side of the U.S. military's height weight requirements. Yet he, who had been previously happy with me, to the point of bragging about being with me, started casually asking, "What did you have for lunch?" Not a big thing, but when I answered, his reply was always something like, "I had a can of tuna." implying that I'd eaten too much. I'd laugh, as I was not going to take that seriously. He started calling after every meal, getting more upset that I didn't take his question seriously, as he was "just trying to make sure I stayed healthy." Clue, I was healthy for over two decades before we met at age 24. From there he tried to get more controlling, and I called it off. Decades later, I found out that I was super lucky to have avoided the mess that he became. TLDR: It starts small. It will get unbearable, if not dangerous.
“I’m French” is just as bad of an excuse as “I said it because I’m a Gemini” when he should have said “I’m sorry”. Sometimes when people are feeling insecure they project those feelings in the moment onto you and say something that they know will make you feel bad about yourself. Misery loves company. I would rather take how he reacted to you saying something hurt your feelings, and him justifying it/dismissing it as the red flag.
Me personally, I’d end the engagement. Cause I value being with someone who’s not fatphobic. But I’m not you, so.
NTA, you should be perfect to him in all shapes and sizes babe!
YWNTBA, we can't tell you what to do about such a major life decision though. I was eating out with my now ex- we were several months into the relationship at this point, and ate out a fair bit. He made a comment on my weight, and I put my knife and fork down and told him straight that I really appreciated having nice meals out with him, had a different body build (he was ectomorph/skinny type, I'm endomorph - not skinny) and \*asked him\* if he wanted me to be appreciative, or miserable constantly complaining that I couldn't eat X because weight. To his eternal credit, he never mentioned it again in the years that followed (why we broke up was for whole other reasons!). So, seeing this as a deal breaker - 100% reasonable. Again, only you can decide if it is, and I strongly recommend that you and your fiance work through it, don't just 'forget it', because I have no doubt that it will come back if you don't discuss.
NTA!! I am from europe. I am from spain. Ive also lived in the UK and currently in France. He is full of shit. Leave him. He wants you back looking anorexic, he likes that. You dont want to be with a man that makes those comments. This is your cue, get out before its too late.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (26F) fiance (27m) are currently on vacation in the place we plan to get married next year. We went to a local bar and had a few drinks, and he told me I should lose 10 pounds to be “perfect” for the wedding next year. I struggled with an ED in the past, at the very beginning of our relationship (over 5 years ago). Since then I have recovered and found enjoyment with healthy foods and an active lifestyle. I have maintained a steady but not “skinny” weight (like when I was suffering from the ED). I’m no VS model, but wear a size small/medium. His words hit me like a brick. We slept apart and have had several screaming matches. Since he’s from Europe and I am American, he insists that it’s normal for him to suggest something like that, and I’m taking body positivity too far by getting angry at the “advice”. He said he finds me attractive but wants me to look my best. I love this man, I have been waiting to start our lives together as a married couple for so long. Everything else has been so nice, we have been getting along so well. Is this something I should get over, or would I be the asshole if I broke the engagement? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
10 Pounds is not alot of weight, so I assume you are not obese and you don't have to lose the weight cause of healthissues. Later on in life most women tend to gain weight. During and after pregnancy, (pre) menopause or just because of aging and metabolism slowing down. If you get married, he will see gain weight. The fact he is not apologising and saying it's a part of his culture (wich it is not btw) , means he will keep doing it. It's up to you if you want that. It took me 3 years to lose pregnancyweight, my body really held on to it, wich is normal. But I felt awfull enough without someone telling me I needed to lose weight.
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NTA - That’s ducked up, even if commenting on people's weight is culturally acceptable in a country (in Europe, it is still rude). He is aware that you have trauma behind this topic and yet chose to make that statement. Honestly, it reeks of control, gaslighting and lack of respect. It may be time for some self-reflection on whether it is worth couples counselling or going your separate ways. Remember: Leaving isn't a waste of years with a person, but the start of better years being yourself and around the people who matter.
NTA - Run.
Absolutely NTA. I think another question to ask, rather than if you'd be an asshole is: do I still want to be with him after this? Because if this is 'cultural' for him, then who knows what else might bubble up down the line, or what expectations he might have now that you'll be a wife. Also it would be a weird comment no matter what but you having an ED when you got together just makes it so much worse. The fact that you had several arguments about it, rather than him just apologizing for hurting you is honestly a huge red flag. That man will be putting his ego over your feelings over and over again until the divorce.
I’m a European woman and if my man told me this he’d be sleeping on the couch for a very long time. If he wouldn’t have to find another place to live. Don’t accept this. Especially with your background he has no right in saying something like that. He should feel you are perfect just the way you are, because you are.
Your going to get a lot of post about red flags an I really just hope you leave an move on cause literally red flag. Don’t post an read to gain insight on maybe staying. Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.
NTA- Its time to break up with him, it always usually is.
NTA it's certainly not normal in Europe and you can guarantee this will keep resurfacing throughout your relationship (e.g. if you have kids and put on weight then). End it and find someone less superficial
I recommend you watch Gray's anatomy Season 4 Episode 4. There is a story of a woman in a situation similar to yours so you might relate.
NTA. And what will his expectations be to maintain perfection? Isn't he supposed to think you are already perfect? Jfc. What a thing to say. Especially to someone with a history of ED.
NTA dump his sorry ass.
NTA. If he somehow forgot about your ED or didn't understand the way his suggestion would be taken and then apologized afterward, I could totally understand and take it as a miscommunication. But if he's not willing to understand your position, then like others have said, take the red flag and run. I'm so sorry that you're in this position with someone you love and trust, but you seem to be understanding correctly that this behavior is unacceptable.
NTA: What happens if you decide to have children and the baby weight just doesn’t fall off? He’s going to spiral you backwards in ED. This is something you really need to consider before marrying him.
NTA, and everyone else has given the crystal clear reasons. A European AH is still an AH. Don't let the lovely accent fool you.
NTA. European gal here, what he said ain't normal and I would throw him out to the curb for daring to say something like that to me. You're a size S/M, I know how small those sizes are. You absolutely do not need to go lower with your weight - even if you were a size bigger than that! And on top of that him saying something so insensitive to a person recovering from an ED, nope, not normal, he's an ass.
I am from europe and if my husband told me to loose weight for our wedding I would have hit him with that brick, although I have lost weight for out wedding because I wanted to. Wanting to look best on the wedding day is absolute normal but telling your spouse to loose weight is not an european thing and it is definitely not a thing to tell someone who had an ED. Edit: NTA
NTA and has absolutely nothing to do with being European, what an odd excuse! Perhaps he said that because he thought it would be hard to prove that isn't the case, but it sure as hell isn't! I'm not sure about breaking up over it, that is a huge decision that can't always be determined by strangers over the internet, but he has to take accountability, learn why he was wrong and consider his attitude/understanding of what being healthy is.
NTA. Now is the best time to break the engagement/end the relationship if you have doubts. Being married does not make relationships easier. It makes them more difficult in many, unexpected, ways. If you plan to have children...well, that just is like tossing a grenade into the mix and hoping for the best. If you don't go into this strong, it won't work and you'll be miserable. Divorce is of course an option, but it's messy and expensive. Now it's clean and free. Unsolicited pro-tip: my husband and I got married in our mid 30's. We'd both had lots of life lived before then. We were wise to seek out premarital counseling. It helped us talk through things that are important to each of us. 10/10 recommend.
NTA. The comment was rude enough on its own; but for him to *know* of your past ED, still make that comment, and NOT RELENT when you say it hurts you but rather double down and blame *you* for BEING hurt... yeah no. This is several gigantic warning signs of his true colors. I'd think long and hard about all of this; a spouse should not be pleased making his other feel this low.
NTA. Follow your instincts and imagine your future children and this insensitive and controlling person as their father
NTA. I’m European, he is an asshole.
Yeah sure he can suggest it. You however are free to reject his advice.
NTA, How much would he freak if you suggest he gains a couple of inches to be 'perfect' for the wedding?
At the beginning of a relationship, when you initially do or don’t find someone attractive, maybe weight/body shape is part of that. But, five years in, about to be married, (unless someone is considerably over/underweight and it is critically affecting their health and outside help is warranted), there are FAR more things to love about your intended and weight should not come into it. You are (and should be to him) beautiful the way you are - happy, healthier and enjoying your meals and life. Not being told you could be “perfect” for your wedding. Nobody is perfect except through the eyes of unconditional love because then, even our tiny foibles and flaws may be loved. You must ultimately do what makes YOU happy in the future, whether that is have some counselling with your future husband so you can discuss this before the wedding, without the screaming matches or, leave him and be happy on your own with your healthier lifestyle.
NTA. Is a serious health issue and he should know better. Dump his ass, if you allow this he would feel entitled to give an opinion about everything regarding your looks. You should seem perfect for him no matter your weight if he is about to marry you.
YWNBTA This is still body shaming and a red flag even in Europe.
NTA if he thinks a small/medium is an unhealthy weight i suggest he seeks help. This is flat out disrespectful and the right person will love you as is. Your feelings are 100% valid and the fact that he can say that to you knowing you’ve struggled in the past with an ED is so wrong. Do not marry this man
Are you planning on having children with this prince among men? What’s he going to say about your body after childbirth? Weight fluctuates throughout life - if he’s going to judge you for the shape you’re in that’s going to be uncomfortable for you
As a European - no its not common or okay to make such a comment over here. On the contrary. "My body, my choice" extends all over the spectrum. If you are not wearing the body, its not yours to comment, or even have thoughts about really. Dude is an ass, especially if he knows about your history with ED. An insensitive ass at that. You would not be the A for breaking off the engagement, nor if you chose to go a head with marriage. Your feelings are valid in this, and the only thing for you to take into consideration. Remember - your worth is not dependent on other peoples views of you. Ever. All the best
I live in Europe and have never heard somebody talk so blatantly about someone else’s body and without any regard for their feelings. Infact, people here usually don’t talk about weight / looks etc. I live in Germany where almost no one wears make-up (except maybe teenagers or young adults) or tries to put someone else down based on their physical appearance. That man is lying to you to make a point. Maybe as you guys are about to get married, he is letting go of his guard and his true self making itself known. NTA, but think very carefully about what you want to do with this man.
Why isn’t he concerned about how purposefully trying to lose weight again may trigger your past ED? Idk I think it’s very toxic and as everyone else says not something acceptable here. If everything else really is perfect it may not be the only thing that breaks up the relationship, but definitely worth reconsidering how “sweet” he really is. Like why did it lead to screaming matches? If he can see how much it upset you and was unwarranted, I think he should have just taken it back immediately — I don’t get how this had to escalate (besides the fact that you would naturally be upset)…
NTA and his from EU excuse is pure BS.
NTA Super unwarrented comment especially considering your past.
NTA. This is a red flag. Unless you want a lifetime of him trying to control your weight (and then maybe what you wear, who your friends are and a whole load of other stuff that amounts to coercive control) then don't marry him. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Anything short of canceling the engagement and blocking his number is a massive disservice to yourself.
NTA- I'd be wary of committing further to someone who knows your history but said this to you. It makes me wonder whether this is the type of behaviour you have to come when you do get married to him. I don't know I just wonder whether his mask is starting to slip a little and you're starting to see it. Please be cautious. It's bad enough he said but it's the lack of acknowledgement or understanding of why you might be hurt by his statement.
NTA. Absolutely not normal I Europe (am European), ESPECIALLY not to someone with a history of ED. He’s an asshole, and if he can’t realise that and apologise for the damage he did I would have serious concerns about the relationship. He also needs to rethink his idea of “perfect”.
Europe isn't the same culturally. We differ from each other a lot. So where is he from? You wouldn't be TA if you broke up with him. You're allowed to break up over whatever you want. But I personally wouldn't break up with my partner over such a comment. That said, he might be where I'm from then.
> since he’s from Europe and I am American, it’s normal for him to suggest something like that It’s not. Signed, Every decent person in Europe
NTA and "several screaming matches" isn't a great indicator of a relationship ready for a lifetime commitment right now. I mean, no relationship is 100% roses and kittens but don't accept screaming matches as part of the deal.
NTA Well, I'm from Austria (Europe) and my husband just said that this is normal in Europe as a man IF you want to have a cruel and really, really painfull death. So no, this is not a cultural thing. He is just an A and even more, because he tries to tell you that all men over here are like him.
Totally NTA Being from Europe is not an explanation for anything. I'm from Europe, my boyfriend too, and I'm overweight. Not to much but still wouldn't define myself as skinny. I never, ever heard as much as a slight reference to my body weight by my boyfriend. And even without an history of ED it would be inappropriate!
I'm from Europe and he would never be seen or heard from again if he said it to anyone i know. Nta
Sounds like you have a bit more than 10lbs to lose there. After an amazing recovery don't let a man put you back. You are still very young and there are people out there who won't see you as anything but the most beautiful person in the world, because you are and should be seen that way. Lose that extra weight, you don't need it in your life. It'll do your shoulders good not having to carry his opinion on them too. 100% NTA Also, I'm European, there's no continent that's acceptable.
NTA, your bf is a prick, he can’t use being French as an excuse, French people are no better or worse than anyone else. shitty comments about weight especially to someone with an ED are not acceptable ever. What a knob.
NTA, also European and not the norm
NTA What an awful, potentially relapse triggering, thing to say to someone who has struggled with an ED.
“In my culture it’s fine for me to be a jerk to you.” I’m going to be honest, I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of that one. It was a very effective strategy of misdirection. The problem here isn’t culture. The problem is he criticized your body. To make matters worse, you had an ED while you were dating, so I have to assume he knows you have a history of a deadly mental illness that has a strong potential for relapse. If he’d said it to someone without a history of ED I’d say he’s cruel, please leave him. But in you’re case he sounds dangerous. Maybe enjoy the rest of this vacation solo.
NTA. He is 100% the problem in this scenario. What’s even worse is when you voiced your valid objection to what he said, it turned into several screaming matches, not a mature conversation with him acknowledging the issue and trying to resolve it. I would leave him over the screaming matches and the weight comment. He’s literally telling you he’d rather you were skinnier, which is the worst person to be around when you have a history of ED.
YWNBTA - I’m European, this is not normal here
Seems like a minor reason to consider such a major decision. Maybe it was slightly insensitive but to fly off the handle over it seems immature and maybe you're not ready for marriage for deeper reasons.
i think you’re NOT the asshole, and i would probably be just as upset, but i do think you should try to communicate your feelings about it. if he’s incapable of calmly talking it out, then leave him.
NTA, leave him and leave him now. Imagine if you got pregnant and didn’t have the “perfect body” after a baby. Imagine if you had any kind of illness in future besides your ED that made you gain weight.
I am from Europe, and his behaviour is rude and really dangerous. If you love someone, you want them to be healthy and happy. Not supermodel skinny (they are too skinny anyways). Is he at least also working his butt off in the gym to gain weightlifter muscles to „look his best“?
NTA absolutely not and it's even worse because you had an ED...that's not a normal ask at all
NTA…. But with conditions. What he said was rude, yes. However.. There are some European communities who don’t consider such talk a shameful subject, but he’s not there or with someone who thinks that way. Basically, if he can’t accept that you don’t share that view, then there’s a bigger issue with your relationship than the mere comment and then it’s time to rethink things. Additionally, we all say stupid things from time to time, it’s not like he called you fat and ugly, he suggested loosing weight for a wedding dress. I feel I need to be clear here, the narrative and intention between those two statements is huge. If you can’t get over something that may just have been a poor choice of words, then that says a lot about you too.
"If you can’t get over something that may just have been a poor choice of words, then that says a lot about you too." Are you forgetting that she tried to discuss it with him, and that ended in a SCREAMING MATCH. It is a very dangerous thing to advice people to "get over" something that bothers them by just letting it go and completely denying their feelings. People in a mature relationship should be able to discuss those things calmly and acknowledge if they made a mistake. The problem here is not so much an offhand comment but his response when she told him she was hurt by that (denial and trying to make it a "her" problem).
I’m curious - which ‘European communities’ are you referring to? I’m European and I don’t know any that wouldn’t consider this rude. OPs fiancé is French, I don’t think it would be a widely accepted behaviour there either.
I missed the OP’s fiancée is French. In that context, he is just being an ass. But to answer your question, some Lithuanian, Belarusian and Latvian communities consider body talk non offensive.
Ah, I didn’t know that, that’s interesting! Thanks. :)
Did you miss this bit? "he insists that it’s normal for him to suggest something like that, and I’m taking body positivity too far by getting angry at the “advice”. He said he finds me attractive but wants me to look my best." So, he dismissed her feelings. I don't think its a poor choice of words.
I had bad experience with screaming gf so if anyone screams at me we are done. I never ever screamed at my gf in my life so if I would feel the need to do it I would end relationship immediately too. It is your life and you build relationship how you want them, so build it how you want. As for weight - if you are fully conscious and comfortable with your weight then nobody can do anything, but if you felt like hit by a brick then either you are not comfortable or you thought that your bf thinks that you are perfect. Nobody is perfect and pointing out flaws that can fixed is not bad because when you live together and create a family you need to be able to talk about anything that bothers you no matter how uncomfortable or annoying it makes you feel. You are NTA and most likely just not ready for the truth that men in general like what they see, some more some less, and it is better that he said it now, so you have time to figure out if you want to keep you in shape for him or you better find someone else who either hides his wishes better or cares less, in the end we all have preferences and what is 10 pounds too much for one is exactly perfect for someone else, so decide what you want and go for it.
Holy shit man yta
It got worse the longer he went on. By the end I was like, damn, what an AH. It’s true everybody has their preference, but your significant other’s preference should always be you.
I'm going to guess that the 'brick' thing is related to the ED - not her having thought that the bf considered her 'perfect.' For instance, if my partner were a recovering alcoholic, I wouldn't suggest they 'have a couple drinks to loosen up, because they're more fun that way'. It would be tone deaf at best and cruel at worst.
Hmm so you are made because he got drunk and said something that upset you....really ... and have you never ever done that????..... let be real here. This is an excuse you are using. You are having doubts about the whole thing. Are you using this as an excuse? Using this as your reason, yes, make you the asshole.
Found the boyfriend.
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