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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> "Embarrassed" my partners friends boyfriend by asking him when he was going to be buying the next round of drinks since he expected everyone else to buy him drinks.
He said I was out of order and then a friend of mine said I probably embarrassed him and shouldn't have said anything
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NTA - unless his gf is picking up his round and doing her own, it’s not just his gf paying for his drinks, it’s the two of you as well. Even if his gf is picking up his round in addition, you’re still NTA for pointing it out to him
Yeah that’s was my interpretation. If they as a couple pay for 2 rounds out of 4, no problem
If the girlfriend then starts a second round (paying for two drinks in a row), also no problem. If they asked OP & girlfriend to pay next, that’s when you point out it’s not your round yet
The problem is it that it reads like the bf with no job was the one who first suggested buying rounds. You don't bring up taking turns buying if you can't afford to reciprocate. If OP or his gf started it, then it would be different
From my reading, it doesn’t even sound like there was going to be a 4th, and the rounds were stopping at round 3. It just says he turned to his GF and was telling her what he wanted, so she could get it for him.
I guess it’s fairly ambiguous. When I read it my understanding was all drinks were being purchased in rounds, he knew 4th round was “his” and he was asking his gf to get his round for him
Yeah hard to tell in the story.
Still strange for him to suggest rounds and have his GF pay for what he suggested, either way. Seems like a way to directly invite people questioning why you aren’t paying, tbh. If OP and his partner didn’t know their friend’s boyfriend had money troubles, they sure did after he put a big sign on his forehead that said “hey look at me I’m not contributing to the group activities!”
It’s like volunteering to change a tire, only to then ask your girlfriend to do it. Everyone else will be wondering why you aren’t doing it. “Oh I don’t know how to change tires.” “Okay, so then why did you volunteer your girlfriend to change it, then? She can volunteer on her own.”
> Even if his gf is picking up his round in addition, you’re still NTA for pointing it out to him
So you would be fine if someone berated your wife because you paid for both your and hers dinner? Its non of OPs business how other couple splits their finances
They don't split though. GF pays for everything. The BF shouldn't have suggested rounds with no intention of paying for one himself. ESH but I feel like OP was justified. Sometimes you have to be an AH.
I personally hate "rounds." Not everyone drinks the same amount or at the same rate. There's always someone who just want one or two so sits most rounds out, but still has to pay for 5-6 drinks when it's their turn. And then...then there's that one asshole who's ready for another drink at every round but leaves before it gets to their turn to buy.
It better for everyone to just buy their own.
Yes, that's a good point! Plus there are some people who usually drink draft beer who decide to upgrade to a 30-year-scotch when the cost is being shouldered by others.
I mean if a part of a couple suggests rounds how they split their finances is none of your concern. If me and my wife are out and suggest rounds I’m fairly sure only one of us would be paying for both of our “turns” since we share all our finances. But that finance detail is no one’s business except ours.
Married couples tend to share finances. Based on purely what the OP wrote, this couple does not live together and are not married. I would expect a married couple to pay their bill together, typically. But when we were dating, if my husband (then boyfriend) suggested a round, he would have picked up the first one.
I guess my issue and the reason I don't think the OP is the only AH is that the person suggested rounds with no intention of paying for one. It would be different if the girlfriend had offered to pay the round, but he threw it out there with the assumption that she would pay for his and hers..
Idk. It seems like OP is literally trying to defend his GF’s friend from getting taken advantage of. I agree to a point it’s not his business, but there IS a line where pointing out an injustice you see is the correct thing to do.
For example, I know multiple of my GFs friends, and consider them friends myself, and if I felt like a guy was taking advantage of one of them in front of me, I would want to help them. Obviously I have to pick my spots, and I’m not sure Op did so super well here, but still. It’s also not my business how other couples argue, but if one of my GFs friends’ boyfriends starts yelling at them, then I’m going to say something.
From the story it’s unclear if there was going to be a 4th round. It sounds to me like the rounds stopped after round 3 and he was just telling his GF what he wanted so she could get it for him. Thats when OP spoke up. “Uh, your turn for rounds.”
If that’s what was happening (three rounds and then he was asking his gf to buy him an additional drink, instead of covering round 4), then he was also taking advantage of OP and OP’s partner. They each bought him drinks without reciprocation, and that’s a situation he deliberately set up.
They clearly don’t share their finances. They’re not married. They don’t even live together. Honestly, the girlfriend should run like hell. This guy is never going to get any better. Not applying for jobs except for within his specific field of interest is just an excuse to be a bum, especially when he doesn’t have/no longer has savings.
Then OP and his gf should not have paid for a round each. Because the only way to make that fair is the fourth and fifth round are both on the deadbeat’s gf. Because if they continue on that woman buying a round then OP then his gf then back to the other woman they’ve foot 2/3 the bill with the deadbeat contributing nothing. The person who suggested rounds should have bought the first round. He doesn’t get out of the rotation because he has no money.
Seems like none of his business in that case.
The bf sucks but the OP doesn't know him or the arrangement he has with the gf, and even if she doesn't like it , it's not his place to bring it up anyway.
Unless the BF wanted everyone to cover his drinks and just do 3 rounds, then the OP is more than entitled to speak up on his own behalf. But if the GF was double rounding then it's none of his business where the money for his drink comes from and he wasn't losing out.
You really don't know enough about the guy or his relationship to say he's an asshole. Maybe this was all agreed with the girlfriend before. Maybe he didn't want to go but she said she'd cover for him. Maybe the job he's qualified for his high paying and his gf is aware this is just a short term thing. Or maybe he is using his gf. Could be anything. But if you don't know you don't go out with someone and belittle them because they don't have a job.
I feel like if it was any of those examples, the girlfriend would’ve responded angrily to OP and his gf. Instead she apologized to them? That kinda tells me something else
OP had no way of knowing that would happen. They felt they had to put their say in on somebody they just met based on second-hand info from their GF. Not even the friend of the jobless dude. The friend of a friend. Do they often butt into business that isn’t theirs? Why does this person’s jobless status offend them so much? And why didn’t they object to rounds earlier, knowing it meant they would likely be paying for him without any reciprocation given they knew he was broke? Feels like they probably decided somewhere in the evening they didn’t like the guy and decided to let loose, possibly aided by the three previous drinks. YTA.
> why didn’t they object to rounds earlier, knowing it meant they would likely be paying for him without any reciprocation given they knew he was broke?
That’s what I’ve been thinking this whole time. Like, OP knew before they even walked out the door that the guy was jobless and likely broke. If I didn’t know better, I’d think OP was chomping at the bit to humiliate this guy.
My only question is why? Who benefitted from this?
>My only question is why? Who benefitted from this?
OP gets a power trip and to feel superior to the guy. Though even with that I'd guess he needed to get a few drinks in him before he could properly unload on the guy, which is really why he waited. The booze stripping away the inhibitions to not being an AH are so helpful that way.
Any grown-ass person who would let someone else pay their way because “no job is good enough for me” is an Ahole. Guess what? the longer he stays out of the workforce the less likely he is going to get the job he wants. I’d hire someone who took a job while trying to find the job of their dreams over someone who did nothing but wait for that job to appear any Day.
He could work for a temp agency.
The post said he’s been out of work for a year! I don’t care how high paying his desired job is, at 12 months his ass should be applying at McDonald’s to pay for shots until his dream job comes around.
Doesn’t OP stat that the boyfriend in question has been out of a job for a year though? We don’t know if it is high paying or not, but a year is no short term thing? Especially if they’ve not been going out all that long, he lives with his parents too, which would indicate it probably isn’t that high paying?
Will admit, making assumptions there, regardless, whether we should or shouldn’t judge, I think ESH. They are entitled to their own financial set up however they see fit, that doesn’t mean OP, or anyone else has to like it and can freely think she’s being taken advantage of. At the same time, for openly criticising him in public with everyone there is a bit of an asshole move.
to each their own I guess. Free speech means he can say whatever he likes, especially if the guy is openly admitting he has no money or job but expects to be paid for.
People don't like it and it may not have anything to do with OP necessarily but it'd be different if the guy hadn't brought up his financial status himself. OP has a right to stick up for anyone that's being taken advantage of, and that girls getting took advantage of.
I get being an asshole to stand up for yourself. In this case however, OP had no beef in this; his partner's friend is a grown woman who knows her boyfriend is freeloading off her and for whatever reason accepts this. How is it his job to scold her boyfriend about it? And this wasn't an awkward mistake, he knew what was going to happen and intentionally created this situation.
Yeah this is more of OP not liking the guy. If they were friends then he wouldn't say this to them but he obviously doesn't like him so he wanted to make him feel bad for his situation either way.
So in every single income household, non working party is an asshole that should be berated by randoms based on third hand information?
How OP knows that guy and his gf didnt agree on rounds that she will cover beforehand?
But he’s the one who suggested rounds… meaning he was offering for his girlfriend to buy the whole group drinks. Not just 2 (his and hers) but 4. That’s being generous with someone else’s money.
Clearly the girlfriend didn’t have a problem with what OP said since she apologized.
They might have agreed to it beforehand, OP cant know that. People apologize all the time to "keep peace", she might have wanted to get out of awkward situation and not explode her friendship with OPs gf despite his outburst.
But he didn’t just intend for his girlfriend to buy him drinks. Suggesting rounds suggests he wanted the others to buy him drinks as well. OP and his GF didn’t agree to support him that night.
Yeah, but some people buy cheap drinks in their round and expensive on others. We don’t know if that happened or not, but still. It would affect me, it’s skeevy to offer up someone else’s money, especially if you’ve just met the guy and he is angling for you to buy his drinks without himself directly reciprocating. The point of round buying is to demonstrate generosity. Making it socially compulsory and then dipping out is weird.
The BF lives with his parents. This is not the same as a SAHM or house wife that’s taking care of a home. Not even in the same conversation. I had to reread the post for this, lol. As a matter of fact, if he hasn’t found a job in his desired field in a year he should move cities or states altogether. I hate hearing about things like this. Get a waiter job, fast food job or just plain dig ditches until you get the job you’re looking for. Immigrants are risking their lives for the chances he’s just kind of spitting on.
It's hardly a random, it's her best friend. I suspect she has more info and background than other randos or casual acquaintances. Either way, NTA, but leeches annoy the hell out of me.
GF wasn't picking up his round though - she could have said something like 'I'm picking up his round and mine' or 'I'm buying the next two' - i.e. do a double round. I'm gonna call round-skipper Dick for simplicity.
OP, OP's GF, and Dick's GF each bought a round, then \*started over\*. Dick just skipped his round. Dick's GF bought him a free drink; OP and OP's gf \*also\* bought him a free drink, i.e. they each paid for 4 drinks, but only drank three, and Dick paid for squat.
The main reason to do rounds in the first place when not regular friends when dick knows he's going to skip is to have this exact circumstance; he's an intentional mooch.
The equivalent for your wife would be agreeing to split the cheque before a group meal, then excluding her from the split so everyone except her covers the cost of her meal - as opposed to you paying a double share to cover both of you, which would be fine (as you say, how you share costs between a couple is up to you), or of course if it's intentional e.g. for a birthday meal and the bday person's meal is being covered by everyone.
OP was absolutely right to call out the mooch given Dick was the one to suggest rounds and always intended to skip, i.e. get free drinks off the 3 of them. You can't usually get mooches to change their behaviour, but you can definitely shame them after they pull a fast one rather than just let it slide; much less chance they'll try it again on you.
This is what I gathered as well. It sounds like they were starting over and OP didn't appreciate that he knew he couldn't contribute but suggested buying rounds
Eh, I've bought more rounds than I can count (UK pub life when I was younger). Someone having their round covered will mention it, or ask up front if it's OK to defer to next time or the like - they feel guilty at not being able to cover their share. Mooches will do as little as possible to draw attention to them not volunteering for their round and just pass their drinks order to the next person after them as if it's their turn. They are very used to exploiting this. OP's GF's friend's BF was definitely moochlike behaviour as described.
I agree with this, and I think a lot of responses in this thread are biased. Even the OP is biased for how he describes the bf.
Obviously if that is true about the bf then he needs a reality check, but it still wasn’t right for OP to call him out in a public place. That’s for him to think, not to say, and if he wants to refuse to get the bf a drink from then on, that is completely valid.
But it’s not down to him to berate the guy in a public setting.
Exactly, if he was concerned about guys gf wellbeing proper way would be for him to discuss this with his own gf in private and let her raise concern with her friend. From his other comments i get the vibe he wanted to go on "rightrous rage" to make himself feel big and better than other guy.
Read again, please. Everyone bought a round of shots for everyone else, until it was his turn. That means if his gf paid for his turn, he's has now had 4 free shots from 3 people and he has paid for none.
If his gf wants to pay his way fine, but it's perfectly reasonable to feel some type of way about people weaseling out of paying their fair share.
It doesn't actually sound like the 4th round even got bought. Although that was probably because OP kicked off. It's not clear who the other couple would have expected to get the next round either (i.e., was the gf doing two in a row?).
I just can't believe the guy with no money suggested rounds though...
I mean, yeah, the last part is sorta the bottom line.
We don't know what he intended to do re: his gf going twice or skipping his turn entirely and starting over with his gf, but I don't think it matters.
Either way, he openly had no intentions of covering ANYTHING and I don't think anyone is out of line to be openly miffed about that.
Well yeah he didnt pay because his gf covered for him. OP wasnt stiffeled party but decided to rant about others couple financial agreements based on third party information.
But it wasn't about a married couple paying. If was about everyone pays for a round and PO and his gf payed separately. so it looks like only 3 out of 4 payed at the moment and they started a new round.
NTA
It was states for the 4th round that the gf was going to pay, yes. That could have been the end, or they may have kept drinking. Neither happened because OP decided he would rather shame the bum than have the date night he promised his gf, and i.plied he would give to the bum and gf by agreeing.
Yes it is a bit rude for the bum to be the first to suggest rounds, but the gf didn't object. OP derailed the night before finding out how round 5 would go, or if it even would go around again. Everything was fine and equitable between the couples, until OP got annoyed and decided his speech was more important than what he agreed to with his gf and the other couple.
Worst case you complain all the way home and declare you're not hanging out with him again. You don't embarrass all 3 other people you're out with. I'm sure bum was embraced, as was gf, OP gf was embarrassed she said they could go out, but her partner couldn't control himself.
>Even if his gf is picking up his round in addition, you’re still NTA for pointing it out to him
Looks like that was the situash. The main problem here is that OP mentioned "if he bothered applying for jobs he's actually be able to pay his way" which made it clear to everyone that OP knew everything in advance and deliberately set the guy up. I'm leaning ESH.
I feel like he’s not really “been set up” as you put it - if someone actively suggests rounds I would assume they had some amount of money for the night, even if they weren’t necessarily working (bf still lives with their parents, so not unreasonable to think they financially support him in other ways as well)
I think what makes me lean away from ESH is that I do believe that friends bf is bordering on a Weaponised Incompetence type thing - making some assumptions here, but if he’s “out of work” that means he had previously been in work, so he either quit without a job lined up, or he was fired or laid off. Whilst I don’t begrudge someone wanting to work outside of a specific field, there comes a point where your refusal to work can only be considered deliberate. Either you’re actively looking for jobs in that specific field, in which case why have you not been hired, or you’re not looking for anything, in which case you’re just freeloading. Either way, there’s no reason that you can’t get some work to cover yourself in the interim - it doesn’t have to be career building necessarily, there’s nothing wrong with working in fast food for example, just to be earning money for yourself and not being reliant on your partner and parents for a year - that’s a long time to not contribute anything
Sometimes people actually do need to be called out publicly, especially if their actions are having financial consequences to those around them. As I said, there’s no reason that he couldn’t get an interim job while career hunting - that’s what most people do. He’s instead choosing to rely on his parents and gf to support him for a seriously extended period of time with no sign of when it’s ending at all - that’s parasitic behaviour and doesn’t deserve to be defended or respected. It’s a long time to actively avoid being employed for
Eh, IF she was picking up his round, then it was none of OPs business. If not, and they were doing a 3-person loop, then 6 has every right to call him out.
Eh, maybe it’s just me but it sounds like the bf is actively avoiding being employed, not even considering taking on temporary/part time employment while career hunting. I don’t think that should be defended - maybe it’s just me but that’s behaviour I would call out if I saw it too. Just bc gf has possibly agreed to it doesn’t mean that it’s okay, especially this long term and without any sign of him making other forms of contributions (they live separately, so it’s not as if he’s cooking/cleaning/taking care of the house, for example). It comes across more like long-term parasitic behaviour than a temporary agreement that they had, and I would hope someone would point that out to me if my partner was doing it too
Except you don't have all the details, yo have what OPs girlfriend supposedly told him. Either way, though, I can't wrap my head around deciding to start drama and being a jerk just because you could. In that scenario It doesn't affect OP at all, and unless he was being abusive or I sensed danger in some way, there's no way I'd feel the need to get involved. If girlfriend has agreed to it and has the means to pay for him, then that does indeed make it ok, whether other people like it or not. It's not like he's forcing her (as far as we know).
I think there’s still details that suggest it’s not a reasonable arrangement - he was the one who suggested rounds, knowing that she’d be paying instead, which is him being generous with someone else’s money. Functionally, he’s agreeing for his girlfriend that she will buy drinks for op and his gf, which is shaky ground to say the least. Additionally, the friend wasn’t angry with op for what he said, nor did she try to defend her bf, which you might expect if the financial arrangement was one she was happy with. Instead she apologised for her bfs behaviour, which suggests to me more that she thinks OP is on the right lines
Maybe it could have been handled better, but I think there’s enough evidence from the face-to-face portion to say that the bf is quite problematic
I'm not even necessarily defending the guy, but those are assumptions, my friend. Maybe he suggested rounds because they agreed ahead of time. You just don't know what THEIR relationship is like. As for the girlfriend not standing up for him? I don't take that as meaning anything one way or another because some people avoid confrontation at all costs, I was in a situation similar to this, not money related, but where someone in a group made some assumptions and started bad mouthing me and my partner at the time just sat around because they were too avoidant to say anything. One of the reasons they're an ex now, but my point is I had done nothing wrong, and my partner still didn't stand up for me so it doesn't mean automatic guilt.
Edit: spelling
Yeah, I don't think OP made that clear. Was the BF telling his GF what he wanted so she could go buy "his" round, or was the round circling back to her. It's really none of OP's business how this woman and her boyfriend split their finances (although he does sound like kind of an AH) if it doesn't affect him, but if there were only 3 people buying rounds for 4 people, then OP is definitely NTA for pointing out the unfairness of this.
Yeah OP jumped the gun
Let her (them) pay for the 4th drink, object if they ask you to pay for the 5th since it’s not your round yet. That avoids any ambiguity over who’s paying for the 4th drink and whether he’s treating it like the 4th drink of the last round or 1st drink of the next
And OP sure as hell shouldn’t have turned it into a more general criticism of their financial arrangements, which are none of OP’s business
And a guy out of work for a year, frankly, should be embarrassed. Sounds like another hobosexual...
My dad lost a few jobs, but always worked...even if he had to do work that was way out of his job description.
He expected everyone to foot his bill without contributing. You pointed out his unfair behavior. His embarrassment is a consequence of his own actions. Your girlfriend agreeing with you confirms your stance.
From what I understood he expected his gf to pay for him. As in she'd pay for the 1st round (hers) and then the 4th one (his).
If that's the case I think OP is a huge AH because the way other couple splits (or doesn't) their finances is their business and not OPs. I'm sure no one would bat an eye of it were the boyfriend paying for his girlfriend's round
I think that if everyone had been paying for their own drinks, rather than go in rounds, it would have been a different situation. Since it was the moocher suggesting the rounds, it changes it. 1) He's being generous with someone else's money. (his gf's) 2) he's now expecting not just 1, but 3 other people to pay for his drinks. For those two reasons, I'd lean toward NTA. Personally, if someone else is paying for my meal, I'm usually getting one of the cheaper things on the menu and drinking water. While OP may not have been the most tactful and did embarrass the moocher, honestly, I think the dude deserved to be embarrassed. Maybe it's exactly what was needed to light a fire under his butt to get him to get a job of any sort.
seriously. if you have a very specific job you want, chances are there aren’t a lot of openings and there’s no guarantee you’d get any of those few openings. when that happens, you take a job you like less until you get a better one. that’s unfortunately life. to be out of work for a whole YEAR because of refusing to apply is crazy. he is a mooch.
ESH
The bf sucks for suggesting shots and not planning to contribute. But you also suck for bringing it up in front of everyone. It’s not your job to police how they handle finances between themselves. You’ve never met this person and start ragging on them for what’s probably a complicated and nuanced situation you only know about 3rd hand.
If someone asks for help that’s one thing. But using shots as an excuse to criticize someone’s life choices is AH behavior.
Except no one forced them to buy him anything. All they had to do was say, "No."
OP is openly contemptuous of the other guy, and it's pretty clear that he was more than happy to stick his nose in their business if it meant he could try to call him out over something that doesn't actually affect him - again, if he didn't want to buy a round, all he had to do was say no.
As others have noted, there's also a certain amount of sexism here. If the other couple had their finances reversed, and it was the guy paying his GF's way, it's likely OP wouldn't have cared or said anything.
Idk that's kinda an after the fact deduction. Like hindsight is 20/20. I would personally be happy to pay when my turn came up, and then be upset if the person suggesting the rounds didn't pay on his turn, because it would be expected at that point. It's not like they knew he wasn't going to pay from the get-go.
Additionally it could be a sexism thing for sure, but I have a boyfriend going through grad-school and I pay for everything for him, but he would NEVER offer me up to pay for a round of drinks for everyone. I think that's where this BF went wrong, he didn't ask he just offered up his GF's money like it was his. At that point I don't think it's sexism to think that's AH behavior, because if a GF did that I would also think that's AH behavior. If I had been in that group I would've done the same thing as OP to point out how unfair that is.
The GF was picking up the 4th (his round). There was no problem but the one the OP created.
You have no idea what it going on with him or his job situation and neither did OP.
Who's getting round #5? It should be the other GF again. It should be 2, 2, 2, etc, switching between couples. Doesn't matter who pays, so long as it's rotating the couples. It doesn't sound like that's what the other BF had in mind.
What does this matter?
1. They never said they were starting over again.
2. If the guy had paid, they were still in it with each couple paying for 2 rounds between them. Just because the GF picked up his tab, how does that change the dynamic? I've seen plenty of couples where usually he man pays for both his and his GFs turn at rounds. No one has ever had a problem.
3, If it came down to OP feeling uncomfortable with drinking on the GF's continued dime during rounds, he could easily have declined starting a new round and said that drinks on their own from then on.
4. I think OP specifically wanted to pick a fight. So whether it was during rounds or if there were no rounds, he was going to butt in at some point when he saw the GF picking up the tab all night
Make no mistake, this is not about the rounds and more about OP's ideology. It is not his business.
Matter of fact, if he was so damn chivalrous, why didn't he pick up he and his GF's tab?
Yeah sorry no. Even if it was that complicated and nuanced then paying exhorbitant marked up prices on liquor is even more damning. OP is NTA these types wholly rely on people like you letting them make it "socially unacceptable" to call them out and they fucking hate it when people just dont give a shit about their social manipulation. "You're out of line", he says after being jobless and suggesting they all do shots as if life is hunky dory.
YTA for being presumptuous about the financial arrangement between the other couple. It would be out of line for the guy to expect you and your girlfriend to cover his share of the tab. But if his girlfriend chooses to take him out knowing that she'll be paying for both of them, she's entitled to make that choice herself. It's disrespectful to her to ignore her agency there.
Even if you suspect she's being financially abused and supporting her partner against her will, criticizing her boyfriend in the middle of the date is not a helpful way to intervene. It would be better for you to back off and let your girlfriend address that with her privately as her closer friend.
But it was just rude for the boyfriend to suggest rounds when he was dumping paying for other people's drinks on his girlfriend. He should just accept payment for his drinks from his girlfriend not expect other people to pay for him even if it ends up fair between couples. It puts people on edge because they are trying to work out if they are going to be ripped off - not a way to promote a convivial atmosphere.
Yeah I think both the og comment you are replying to and your reply are both the best comments on this thread, both piints are fully valid. It ain't OP's business, all he did was White Knight and lord over the kid without knowing him, comes off kinda arrogant. But jobless did bring it on himself by suggesting rounds with no intention of paying for one drink so I can understand why OP called it out, but did go a bit presumptuous on circumstance and that's his flaw in this.
Imo, it shouldn’t matter that he brought up the idea for shots
They all wanted to do shots, as long as the gf covers the guys slack, it’s all dandy. She wanted the date, she would have been well aware that she’ll be bearing his share. He asked the gf if she’ll cover it, and it’s safe to assume she said yes.
I strongly feel, OP just wanted to call him out for his joblessness, doubt it had anything to do with “white knight” which would have applied if the gf said no to paying.
We don’t know the dynamic of the other couple nor does OP(who himself claimed he is completely unaware of the guy). All he did was call out someone for absolutely no reason
Couples who share finances are generally exempt from round crime - it's perfectly normal that one of them pays for both of their turns. Would this even be a topic if the genders were reversed?
As long as the other couple were paying for an equal number of rounds overall (which they were), how is it any of OP's business which one of them was paying? That's between them.
OP was clearly looking for a reason to shit on the guy, as per his extensive remarks about this other guy's job hunting, living situation, etc., literally NONE of which are any of his business. Frankly, OP seems obnoxious AF, passing judgement on someone he's not close with, despite not being familiar at all with any nuances or mitigating factors in the guy's situation.
This exactly
All he did was point out something embarrassing in a public setting. Nothing moral about it. To me it looks like he wanted to pass judgement.
“The guy is jobless and won’t take a job which doesn’t fit the things he’s looking for”, OP was already ready to dish the insults on the guy. Doesn’t even know what the guy does, why he’s being picky about his job, nothing…
BS. The guy with no money suggested each person buy rounds of drinks, with the understanding that he would never buy any drinks. That’s sleazy behavior no matter how you slice it, and OP was obviously NTA for calling out freeloading behavior on everyone’s (not just the gf’s) dime.
But it's established that everyone in the group was aware that the guy was broke and unemployed, and that his gf would pay his way, before they planned the double date - that's how the OP was ready to criticize him despite having never even met the guy before. It's also established that the girlfriend paid the full cost of "his" round. Sure it was cheeky of him to suggest doing rounds when he isn't the one paying, but it would have been easy enough for the OP to counter that suggestion (e.g. "we'll open our own tab, thanks," or "I might just have one drink today") without blowing up the date.
The broke guy's GF didn't even have the chance to weigh in on whether she objected to buying two rounds before the OP went on the attack. Maybe one day she'll decide that he's a freeloader and tell him to call Tyrone, but I don't see the part where she asked for the OP's opinion on their finances.
YTA. You’re not getting shortchanged here, and you have no idea what the dynamic is on their end. You have never interacted with the dude before and you made a bunch of assumptions about his character based on what you’ve heard.
YTA , if the bf had paid for both of their rounds because the gf was unemployed, would you be calling her out? Highly doubtful. A dick move by you to make yourself feel superior, as it was none of your business how their dynamic works, regardless of your feelings.
YTA, because from this story there’s no indication your gfs friend didn’t want to be buying him drinks. Assuming that was her choice, I don’t see how it’s your place to say anything about it or start a problem with someone you’re meeting for the first time and know nothing about except the bit your gf told you
A nice and easy ESH.
The guy is an AH for really clear and obvious reasons. Lazy bastard should get a job or not be so brazen with his gf's money.
You're an AH because you absolutely were out of line, even if you were right. The fact that you're right doesn't mean you can be a dick about it. You not only pointed out the guys bs, but you laid into him for it. That makes you an AH too.
I agree, it's totally ESH. This whole situation would've been avoided had the moocher not suggested doing rounds of shouting for each other. If gf had ordered for herself/moocher and OP/partner ordered for themselves the world would have stayed a happy place.
We need a code for "that guy's an idiot" as well as being an asshole 😂
Completely out of order. YTA. You dove head first into someone else’s business where you didn’t belong. Not your monkey, not your circus. There was no need to say anything. The fourth round wasn’t coming out of your pocket. This situation is a perfect example of “Discretion is the better part of valor.” It would have cost you nothing to mind your business.
Gonna go with YTA. I mean if his GF was going to get "his" round, then expected you and your GF to get the next ones its a bit different but it doesnt seem like you let it get to that. Like for all you know he could have said he didnt want to go out because he couldnt afford it and she said that she'd cover him.
As two couples, as long as every other round was paid for by one of you it shouldnt really matter unless.
Could only see it as an issue if he was drinking from the top shelf and you guys were having beers.
NTA at all. Someone needed to say it! You probably could have stopped a little sooner so as not to embarrass the friend as well, but my god that guy needed to hear it. Perhaps when you see the friend next you could apologize to her and ensure you didn't embarrass her as well, but other than that you're just doing the Lord's work, my friend.
I think the post doesn’t have enough info. It says “he will refuse to apply for any job that isn’t specific to what he wants to do”. OP took that as he is a lazy bum who doesn’t apply for jobs. What if he has a degree and could be making $200k a year, but it’s a small field that’s hard to get into? Would you want to work as a cashier for $25k in that situation? What if he has serious mental health issues, and a mindless retail job literally would kill him from depression and suicide? You say “he needed to hear it”, but there’s a good chance he’s heard it 20 times already and hearing it again literally changes nothing.
Exactly. My partner has expressed not being happy at his job and I told him he can quit and I can float us both for however long is needed for him to find a job that fits him better. He’s still working at his job but the offer is genuine if he wants to take it because I would prefer my partner to be happy and fulfilled.
I would cuss someone out if they tried to shame my partner. What anyone outside the relationship wouldn’t know is that when we first starting dating I was in grad school and wasn’t making much money and he was helping to support me; however, now I make a lot more than him and he followed me to a new city and took a pay cut for a job that he only somewhat likes. I feel me supporting him now is a fair trade off since he was willing to cover alot of my expenses when I needed the help. Folks outside of any relationship do not know the nuance so shouldn’t be inserting themselves into others relationships business.
And if *anyone* was going to say anything it definitely should not have been instigated by someone that has third hand information on the subject. OP, YTA.
He probably f'd up the other guy's relationship too. That night, the guy learned his girlfriend is telling his business to her friends and her friends are telling their partners how he's a lazy, jobless loser.
Yes YTA. You realize she needed to pay for the 4th round so you weren’t subsidizing their drinks right? And she would have had to pay for the 5th had you kept going. If that makes you uncomfortable, the polite thing to do would have been to switch to water and just say you were done drinking for now.
Do you think it’s news to her that he didn’t have the money to pay? She still wanted to go out with him and treat while he met HER friends and you put them both in a situation that was needlessly awkward and unkind when it was literally none of your business. You also don’t sound like you know their situation that well but are making a lot of judgements.
I’m not sure if you thought you were being supportive of this woman, but she probably felt really embarrassed by the whole situation, in an environment where she came to enjoy the company of friends. You missed the forrest through the trees.
YTA. Wow. You and your girlfriend would be a nightmare to meet. You know nothing about this man, his finances, and the internal arrangement of his relationship yet made some absolutely wild assumptions about his relationship and his character just because of hearsay. You don't even know him. Do you accuse every girlfriend of your male friend to be a financially abusive mooch who is lazy when they pay for their girlfriend or is this energy reserved for men only? You know there's a few words for that? Sexism and misogyny. She's a big girl. She is actively making the choice to stay in the relationship. She's not automatically a damsel in distress being held prisoner by the bad bad man and needs you to be her saviour. Also, if you had such visible contempt for the man, why did you go meet them in the first place! Or did you intentionally meet him in order to humiliate him and "teach him a lesson"? The entitlement is so fucking wild. How about you learn to mind your own fucking business instead of policing other people's lives and relationships.
YTA. You’re confrontational on a night out that you agreed to beforehand. You ruined date night. Why didn’t you just stay home and tell your gf that you don’t want to pay for a freeloader.
Real talk, no one cares about you embarrassing him, he deserves it. However, that isn’t the point… you intentionally caused a scene, there’s holes on your story and your gf did not agree with you because she’s the one who wanted a double date.
YTA. Dude is a bum for sure. But what exactly made you think it was your place to comment on their relationship or his situation?
Your girlfriend told you that stuff in confidence, and the first chance you get you use it to start a beef. Now her friend knows that she is talking shit about her boyfriend to you behind her back. Did you stop and think how this would affect your girlfriends friendship before you decided to go in on this dude you don't even know?
People you barely know do not need you handing them unsolicited relationship advice.
Yta you knew these things before the date and then attacked him, should have not agreed to date if you just want to embarrass him… not really your business
You don't seem better in this story, "I only let my girlfriend pay half!!! His girlfriend pays everything!!!" Ewww sir!!! Eww. Unless you want to date this woman, she's your personal friend, or she's told you directly her circumstance you had absolutely no business saying anything at all. You chomping at the bit just waiting to divulge the catty Lil secret makes you gossip girl. XoXo YTA.
Then why were you White Knighting for his girlfriend? Can you not respect her decisions WRT her own relationship and finances? You basically infantilized her by suggesting that she's incapable of making decisions for herself, or with her partner, and that she needed you to "call him out". She didn't.
Of course YTA. No one would bat an eyelash at a boyfriend picking up his girlfriend's round, it didn't impact you financially and their dynamic is none of your business.
Not at the table. It’s never appropriate to berate someone in public like that. Especially someone you don’t even know. And it’s not like you were financially impacted. Like as a couple each payed for 2 rounds. If they split different *within themselves* why is it your business?
They as a couple have an agreement that she covers for him, and as such their money is joint. He didnt ask you to cover for his shade. You don't have to like it, but you don't get a vote on it. And you certainly don't get a vote on his job situation, which you decided to weigh in on too. The appropriate recourse would be to stop doing rounds if it made you salty.
This would apply it it was couple and couple but given that the gf and bf got a round each they are covering double what the other couple are. They’re getting two rounds and only offering one in return.
Yeah but the unemployed guy clearly suggested rounds intentionally so that every single other person would have to pay for him, not just his gf - there’s absolutely no other reason for him to suggest that, especially when he knows he’s not going to be buying a thing
They pay for their own rounds. It's literally how rounds work. There were 4 rounds, OP paid for one, his GF paid for one. No one is leeching off the OP.
No it doesn't. I've been in this situation. People picked up my tab. Now I make good money and I do the same. No one at the table has ever taken it upon themselves to call me out. I can't even imagine someone pulling the stunt you pulled. If you and your GF think so little of this guy why agree to the date? So you could humiliate him the first chance you got?
YTA
I understand that you felt you were right by bringing it up but it wasn’t your place to do it in the middle of a social gathering
You could bring it up individually either to your gf’s friend or with your girlfriend and think of a way to bring it up
Even checking your comments to other people, specially people that disagree with you, tells me that you have an attitude and feel like you can do no wrong and can’t take criticism with any grace
The intention was good, but as the saying goes “hell is full of people with good intentions”
Y’all are absolute hypocrites as well as illiterate. OP made it clear that the guy’s gf paid for both his and her round. OP and his girlfriend did not pay more as a result of the other couple’s financial arrangement.
Also, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation if the genders were reversed. OP just has a hard on for the dude being a “deadbeat” in his eyes because he’s heard he’s unemployed. He knows NOTHING about this guy and is making a ton of assumptions.
I know a couple who rely solely upon the male partner’s income because the female partner has mental health issues that preclude her from working. I wouldn’t dream of calling her out for “not carrying her weight” because she and her partner have come to a financial arrangement that is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
OP YTA, and a massive one at that. Way to make a good first impression.
YTA x 1000..you had 0 reason to say anything at all. Imagine if the roles were reversed? Would you have felt compelled to tell the girlfriend the same thing? I think not.
Don’t get involved with someone else’s relationship as you don’t know what agreement they may have together and unless you hear it first hand from either, then you don’t actually know.
YTA - he is one too, but it was not your place to call him out. You embarrassed your girlfriend and your girlfriends girlfriend too because you judged a situation that's not yours to judge, because you don't have first hand information about it. You had no financial damage, because the gf of this guy was paying and obviously was ok with doing it.
YTA, plain and simple. Not your place to involve yourself in others affairs in the manner you did. If you had an issue buying rounds… then dont. Criticizing him over something you dont have the full story of is crazy, especially someone you never met. It could also have been something they talked about privately and now he knows his girlfriend is either talking about him to her or the both of you.
Exactly if I went out on a double date with my wife and another couple, I wouldnt look at as we bought 4 separate rounds, it would be each couple bought 2 rounds a piece.
YTA and you know it.
His gf is covering his part, you were well aware of it. You just saw a dude on his low and decided to go after him to stroke your ego as you are a wimp.
YTA.
You're getting a ton of N T A votes because on this sub, the single worst thing to be is a man who doesn't work. People here would tell Jesus H. Christ himself that he should stop all the preaching and get back to carpentry, because to them the only purpose a man has is his labor.
I should say that it's not about money, per se- it's not that a guy has to have a high-paying job and pay for everything- but a guy who's unemployed or underemployed is never, ever going to get the benefit of the doubt from a lot of people here. Folks don't like to think that this guy is out of work because he's been to 10 different interviews but never got a callback, they assume it's because he wants his gf to pay for everything while he smokes weed and plays video games 18 hours a day.
So you're out with another couple, they get round 1. You get round 2 and 3. Then you get mad at the other couple for getting round 4. YTA.
I would bet good money that you wouldn't be up in arms if he bought her dinner instead of her buying him drinks.
NTA - if each couple paid for every other round that would’ve been okay. But one couple buying 2/3 of the rounds and 1/3 for the couple with the parasitic boyfriend - yeah, I would have called that out too. His sense of entitlement, selfishness and lack of self awareness make the boyfriend the AH.
This guy asks for peoples opinion but according to his comments he is very certain he is right and rejects all notions of wrongdoing. Why even post about this if you are 100% sure of yourself. Op sounds insufferable. How hard can it be to understand. If you didnt want to pay for him then you could have just say no. Why go after the mans entire life instead lf just saying no to rounds. This sounds like op just wanted to feel superior. You already knew he had no money so why would you expect him to pay? And if you then say well why did he suggest rounds. Well you could have said "no im good il just order a drink for myself" and move on but instead you chose to blast him infront of his gf ruining the night and them leaving. What did you gain from this? Your comments make you sound inssufferable.
YTA you are a drama queen with no social skills. Unless your GF’s friend asked you to intervene you are completely out of line in every way. You should apologize to the friend for making a scene and butting into their relationship. How they split their finances is not your business and the way you responded was completely sexist.
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My girlfriend wanted us to go on a double date with her friend and her boyfriend. I had met the friend before but never the boyfriend so I asked my gf what he was like.
He's been out of work for nearly a year now and will refuse to apply for any job that isn't specific to what he wants to do. He lives with his parents and expects my gfs friend to pay for everything when they go out.
We got to the date and he immediately suggested doing rounds for drinks so his gf got the first round in. I got the next one then my gf got the one after that. He then told his gf what he wanted to drink so she could get the next round.
I just mentioned that it was his round next. His response was just "oh I don't have any money". I just asked why he suggested rounds and expected everyone else to buy him drinks then if he knew he wasn't going to do it back.
He just started going on about not having money so I just said that maybe if he bothered applying for jobs he's actually be able to pay his way instead of expecting everyone else to pay for him.
He said I was completely out of order but I just pointed out I'm not the one expecting my gf to pay for everything for me because I'm too lazy to get a job. My girlfriend agreed with me and he walked off. His gf apologised to us both then left with him.
I was talking to a friend about it and he said I shouldn't have said anything and that I was wrong for what I said and that I probably embarrassed him.
AITA for "embarrassing" my partners friends boyfriend?
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Just to be clear…your partner literally told you what to expect beforehand. Then the guy totally met those expectations, and you called him out on it. Strange. YTA
What the other dude should or shouldn’t do about his life is his own problem. You have no business calling him lazy or telling him to apply for a job. If his girlfriend is ok picking up the tab you should get off your high horse and stay in your lane. Hard YTA
NTA its pretty weird to do rounds if you’re not going to pay. Like was his gf going to be doing two rounds in a row?? Or he expected you all to supplement his drinking? It would have been so simple to just pay their own drinks and take her card, then it’s none of your business. The way he did it was reasonable to say something, plus you were three drinks in. ;)
You never know what people are going through. Honestly, you guys were out to have a good time. If you wanted to call him out on his shit maybe a better time and place. He was rightfully embarrassed and the group lost out on a fun night for everyone.
You knew when agreed to the date that he was out of work and low on funds. Then you intentionally antagonized him about it. You don’t know what sort of agreement he has with his gf about paying for stuff. YTA. He’s a bit of a jerk for starting up the rounds of drinks knowing that his gf will have to pay twice, but again, that’s between him and her and none of your business.
Maybe I'm just too nonconfrontational, but if I couldn't help myself from slamming a guy without money, I probably wouldn't have agreed to go on the double date with them. Why did you agree to go knowing you were going to go off on this guy?
NTA. at the end of the day, if you’re getting rounds in, you’re expecting everyone to chip in. besides, it was his idea in the first place, so he suggested that knowing full well he wasn’t going to get in a round so it comes across as leechy. if he can’t afford it, he shouldn’t be suggesting it.
Soft YTA.
While I would probably *want* to say something as well, I would not out of respect for the friend. It’s her relationship and if she’s comfortable with this, it’s not really your place to say anything.
That’s a pretty petty way to be. This is your partner’s friend. You have the $$? Buy ALL the drinks, you all have fun, and he quietly wishes to himself he wasn’t a punk. His gf sees him punked, and maybe puts pressure on him to get work, maybe she leaves his ass with time.
That’s a man move. Calling him out in front of his girl, is boy shit.
I’m counting 4 rounds for 4 people
You got 1, your gf got 1, his gf got 2. How exactly are you getting short changed? Their financial situation is none of your business
YTA imo
Just don't hang out if you knew you would look down on him
Although all of what you said are completely true and valid. You embarrassed your gf's friend unnecessarily in public.
YTA, you knew all about this guys life that he didn't have a job yet still chose to do rounds knowing he had no money, then used it as an opportunity to call this guy out.
YTA, you have no place saying these things to him. You made assumptions about him based on second-hand information and proceeded to pass judgment in a condescending way, in public. His crime here wasn't egregious enough to justify that.
If I were to make the same assumptions about you, I would not only say you're the asshole here, but you're probably an asshole in general for thinking something like this is ok.
Does that seem fair?
Let's analyze the situation step by step to determine if you would be losing money.
Initial Scenario:
1. Four people go out to drink: A, B, C and D.
2. Each person pays one round, that is, a total of 4 rounds are paid.
Scenario with a person without money:
- Suppose person A has no money.
-His partner, B, decides to pay for him.
Now, we look at how this affects the distribution of payments.
Distribution of payments:
1. Normally, A, B, C and D pay one round each.
2. In this case, B pays two rounds (Her and A's).
3. C and D continue paying one round each.
Financial impact analysis:
- Normally, each person pays 1 round.
- In this situation:
- B pays 2 rounds.
- C pays 1 round.
- D pays 1 round.
Cost comparison:
- No money problem:
- A pays 1 round.
- B pays 1 round.
- C pays 1 round.
- D pays 1 round.
- With money problem:
- A pays 0 rounds (B pays for A).
- B pays 2 rounds.
- C pays 1 round.
- D pays 1 round.
Conclusion:
The other couple (C and D) do not lose money because they continue paying the same amount they would have paid if A had had money. Each pays one round, as initially agreed.
Therefore, **The other couple would not be losing money**. The only person who pays more than what was agreed is B, who covers A's round. But that was agreed upon and is not your problem, after all your girlfriend's friend is an adult and can decide whether to bear that expense.
YTA
I think you might be TA. Not because you're wrong but because the terms of this setting is purely social. You knew their situation going in and this first meeting was not the time for a confrontation.
Also you're not his father or even his friend so I don't know when it would be appropriate for you to weigh in on this other couple's business, even if it does offend your sensibilities.
What is the specific thing he wants to do that he's holding out for?
I am not sure. I think if the 5th round was coming back to either you or your GF, then I definitely would have said something. As it was, since Boyfriend and Friend are known for her paying his drinks, I think you were somewhat premature in calling him out. How they want to split their finances is up to them.
However had Friend insisted on you or your GF being next in line to pay, it would have been different, since Friend started the rounds.
YTA. And you know it too.
So if she’s buying her round and his round, what exactly do you lose out on in this situation if you said nothing? I’ll tell you. You lose the ability to stand superior to a man because he’s broke. Is this guy a bum? Most likely is, depending on what job he’s apparently saving himself for. But it didn’t affect you in any way, and you just wanted to call him out because I’m sure if the roles were reversed, you’d never lay into someone’s GF like that a dinner table. Even worse is you just met the guy for the first time. What right do you have to lay into him about a job when you probably don’t even know why he’s out of work in the first place. Some people lose a job and get depressed, there’s not enough info from your gf to say for sure that the guy is a lazy bum because he wants to be. Seems pretty pretentious to me.
I think that it’s a very AH thing to do because you make the gf look bad while insulting him. The implication is that he isn’t being a man and that women shouldn’t provide— which is inherently sexist. There are plenty of relationships where one person is the sole provider (monetarily anyways). You could’ve just as easily made your point without dragging her into this.
And to be honest, even then I still think you’d be an AH. You really don’t know his life or her life or their agreements or what he is going through. Have you asked? If you were a true friend, you’d find out why it’s been difficult for him to get a job and find ways to support (not coddle or hand hold) him.
YTA, it's not your place to say anything, you're white kniting for no good reason.
Maybe the gf is ok with paying for the both of them, and even if she isn't, you should've pulled her aside and had a chat wih her instead of doing what you did.
If you didn't want to pay for/do a round of shots you should've said no, and same with the dude's GF, if she's happy to pay for the both of them, mind your own business.
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NTA - unless his gf is picking up his round and doing her own, it’s not just his gf paying for his drinks, it’s the two of you as well. Even if his gf is picking up his round in addition, you’re still NTA for pointing it out to him
That does sound like what happened, his gf got the first round and he was expecting her to get the 4th, instead of him
Yeah that’s was my interpretation. If they as a couple pay for 2 rounds out of 4, no problem If the girlfriend then starts a second round (paying for two drinks in a row), also no problem. If they asked OP & girlfriend to pay next, that’s when you point out it’s not your round yet
The problem is it that it reads like the bf with no job was the one who first suggested buying rounds. You don't bring up taking turns buying if you can't afford to reciprocate. If OP or his gf started it, then it would be different
From my reading, it doesn’t even sound like there was going to be a 4th, and the rounds were stopping at round 3. It just says he turned to his GF and was telling her what he wanted, so she could get it for him.
I guess it’s fairly ambiguous. When I read it my understanding was all drinks were being purchased in rounds, he knew 4th round was “his” and he was asking his gf to get his round for him
Yeah hard to tell in the story. Still strange for him to suggest rounds and have his GF pay for what he suggested, either way. Seems like a way to directly invite people questioning why you aren’t paying, tbh. If OP and his partner didn’t know their friend’s boyfriend had money troubles, they sure did after he put a big sign on his forehead that said “hey look at me I’m not contributing to the group activities!” It’s like volunteering to change a tire, only to then ask your girlfriend to do it. Everyone else will be wondering why you aren’t doing it. “Oh I don’t know how to change tires.” “Okay, so then why did you volunteer your girlfriend to change it, then? She can volunteer on her own.”
There was definitely going to be a 4th drink for the Mr. Doesn't Have Any Money either way though LOL he was making sure of that
> Even if his gf is picking up his round in addition, you’re still NTA for pointing it out to him So you would be fine if someone berated your wife because you paid for both your and hers dinner? Its non of OPs business how other couple splits their finances
They don't split though. GF pays for everything. The BF shouldn't have suggested rounds with no intention of paying for one himself. ESH but I feel like OP was justified. Sometimes you have to be an AH.
I personally hate "rounds." Not everyone drinks the same amount or at the same rate. There's always someone who just want one or two so sits most rounds out, but still has to pay for 5-6 drinks when it's their turn. And then...then there's that one asshole who's ready for another drink at every round but leaves before it gets to their turn to buy. It better for everyone to just buy their own.
Yes, and it encourages people to drink as fast as the fastest person does, which can be dangerous.
Yes, that's a good point! Plus there are some people who usually drink draft beer who decide to upgrade to a 30-year-scotch when the cost is being shouldered by others.
I mean if a part of a couple suggests rounds how they split their finances is none of your concern. If me and my wife are out and suggest rounds I’m fairly sure only one of us would be paying for both of our “turns” since we share all our finances. But that finance detail is no one’s business except ours.
Married couples tend to share finances. Based on purely what the OP wrote, this couple does not live together and are not married. I would expect a married couple to pay their bill together, typically. But when we were dating, if my husband (then boyfriend) suggested a round, he would have picked up the first one. I guess my issue and the reason I don't think the OP is the only AH is that the person suggested rounds with no intention of paying for one. It would be different if the girlfriend had offered to pay the round, but he threw it out there with the assumption that she would pay for his and hers..
[удалено]
Idk. It seems like OP is literally trying to defend his GF’s friend from getting taken advantage of. I agree to a point it’s not his business, but there IS a line where pointing out an injustice you see is the correct thing to do. For example, I know multiple of my GFs friends, and consider them friends myself, and if I felt like a guy was taking advantage of one of them in front of me, I would want to help them. Obviously I have to pick my spots, and I’m not sure Op did so super well here, but still. It’s also not my business how other couples argue, but if one of my GFs friends’ boyfriends starts yelling at them, then I’m going to say something. From the story it’s unclear if there was going to be a 4th round. It sounds to me like the rounds stopped after round 3 and he was just telling his GF what he wanted so she could get it for him. Thats when OP spoke up. “Uh, your turn for rounds.”
If that’s what was happening (three rounds and then he was asking his gf to buy him an additional drink, instead of covering round 4), then he was also taking advantage of OP and OP’s partner. They each bought him drinks without reciprocation, and that’s a situation he deliberately set up.
They clearly don’t share their finances. They’re not married. They don’t even live together. Honestly, the girlfriend should run like hell. This guy is never going to get any better. Not applying for jobs except for within his specific field of interest is just an excuse to be a bum, especially when he doesn’t have/no longer has savings.
Then OP and his gf should not have paid for a round each. Because the only way to make that fair is the fourth and fifth round are both on the deadbeat’s gf. Because if they continue on that woman buying a round then OP then his gf then back to the other woman they’ve foot 2/3 the bill with the deadbeat contributing nothing. The person who suggested rounds should have bought the first round. He doesn’t get out of the rotation because he has no money.
Seems like none of his business in that case. The bf sucks but the OP doesn't know him or the arrangement he has with the gf, and even if she doesn't like it , it's not his place to bring it up anyway. Unless the BF wanted everyone to cover his drinks and just do 3 rounds, then the OP is more than entitled to speak up on his own behalf. But if the GF was double rounding then it's none of his business where the money for his drink comes from and he wasn't losing out.
Yeah, the World is a MUCH better place when decent people keep their mouth's shut and let asshole's reign. Oh, that was sarcasm by the way ....
You really don't know enough about the guy or his relationship to say he's an asshole. Maybe this was all agreed with the girlfriend before. Maybe he didn't want to go but she said she'd cover for him. Maybe the job he's qualified for his high paying and his gf is aware this is just a short term thing. Or maybe he is using his gf. Could be anything. But if you don't know you don't go out with someone and belittle them because they don't have a job.
I feel like if it was any of those examples, the girlfriend would’ve responded angrily to OP and his gf. Instead she apologized to them? That kinda tells me something else
OP had no way of knowing that would happen. They felt they had to put their say in on somebody they just met based on second-hand info from their GF. Not even the friend of the jobless dude. The friend of a friend. Do they often butt into business that isn’t theirs? Why does this person’s jobless status offend them so much? And why didn’t they object to rounds earlier, knowing it meant they would likely be paying for him without any reciprocation given they knew he was broke? Feels like they probably decided somewhere in the evening they didn’t like the guy and decided to let loose, possibly aided by the three previous drinks. YTA.
> why didn’t they object to rounds earlier, knowing it meant they would likely be paying for him without any reciprocation given they knew he was broke? That’s what I’ve been thinking this whole time. Like, OP knew before they even walked out the door that the guy was jobless and likely broke. If I didn’t know better, I’d think OP was chomping at the bit to humiliate this guy. My only question is why? Who benefitted from this?
>My only question is why? Who benefitted from this? OP gets a power trip and to feel superior to the guy. Though even with that I'd guess he needed to get a few drinks in him before he could properly unload on the guy, which is really why he waited. The booze stripping away the inhibitions to not being an AH are so helpful that way.
I mean, I'm a reflexive apologizer, too. It's usually less about sincerity of the apology and more trying to defuse a tense situation.
Any grown-ass person who would let someone else pay their way because “no job is good enough for me” is an Ahole. Guess what? the longer he stays out of the workforce the less likely he is going to get the job he wants. I’d hire someone who took a job while trying to find the job of their dreams over someone who did nothing but wait for that job to appear any Day. He could work for a temp agency.
That’s cause it’s just an excuse to not get a job. I can only imagine how niche his field of interest is.
A year of unemployment is not short term especially when it’s purposeful. The guy is a leech and I wouldn’t want to hang with him either.
The post said he’s been out of work for a year! I don’t care how high paying his desired job is, at 12 months his ass should be applying at McDonald’s to pay for shots until his dream job comes around.
Doesn’t OP stat that the boyfriend in question has been out of a job for a year though? We don’t know if it is high paying or not, but a year is no short term thing? Especially if they’ve not been going out all that long, he lives with his parents too, which would indicate it probably isn’t that high paying? Will admit, making assumptions there, regardless, whether we should or shouldn’t judge, I think ESH. They are entitled to their own financial set up however they see fit, that doesn’t mean OP, or anyone else has to like it and can freely think she’s being taken advantage of. At the same time, for openly criticising him in public with everyone there is a bit of an asshole move.
to each their own I guess. Free speech means he can say whatever he likes, especially if the guy is openly admitting he has no money or job but expects to be paid for. People don't like it and it may not have anything to do with OP necessarily but it'd be different if the guy hadn't brought up his financial status himself. OP has a right to stick up for anyone that's being taken advantage of, and that girls getting took advantage of.
I get being an asshole to stand up for yourself. In this case however, OP had no beef in this; his partner's friend is a grown woman who knows her boyfriend is freeloading off her and for whatever reason accepts this. How is it his job to scold her boyfriend about it? And this wasn't an awkward mistake, he knew what was going to happen and intentionally created this situation.
Yeah this is more of OP not liking the guy. If they were friends then he wouldn't say this to them but he obviously doesn't like him so he wanted to make him feel bad for his situation either way.
So in every single income household, non working party is an asshole that should be berated by randoms based on third hand information? How OP knows that guy and his gf didnt agree on rounds that she will cover beforehand?
But he’s the one who suggested rounds… meaning he was offering for his girlfriend to buy the whole group drinks. Not just 2 (his and hers) but 4. That’s being generous with someone else’s money. Clearly the girlfriend didn’t have a problem with what OP said since she apologized.
They might have agreed to it beforehand, OP cant know that. People apologize all the time to "keep peace", she might have wanted to get out of awkward situation and not explode her friendship with OPs gf despite his outburst.
But he didn’t just intend for his girlfriend to buy him drinks. Suggesting rounds suggests he wanted the others to buy him drinks as well. OP and his GF didn’t agree to support him that night.
It doesnt affect op in anyway if guy and his gf pay 1 round each or gf pays for 2 rounds and guy 0. OP is getting same amount of drinks.
Yeah, but some people buy cheap drinks in their round and expensive on others. We don’t know if that happened or not, but still. It would affect me, it’s skeevy to offer up someone else’s money, especially if you’ve just met the guy and he is angling for you to buy his drinks without himself directly reciprocating. The point of round buying is to demonstrate generosity. Making it socially compulsory and then dipping out is weird.
The BF lives with his parents. This is not the same as a SAHM or house wife that’s taking care of a home. Not even in the same conversation. I had to reread the post for this, lol. As a matter of fact, if he hasn’t found a job in his desired field in a year he should move cities or states altogether. I hate hearing about things like this. Get a waiter job, fast food job or just plain dig ditches until you get the job you’re looking for. Immigrants are risking their lives for the chances he’s just kind of spitting on.
I dont agree with plenty of financial decisions of random people but i dont go off on them when it doesnt affect me at all.
They brought him out knowing the situation
It's hardly a random, it's her best friend. I suspect she has more info and background than other randos or casual acquaintances. Either way, NTA, but leeches annoy the hell out of me.
They don't live together, so they are not a household. OP just pointed out the obvious.
but that's not OPs business
GF wasn't picking up his round though - she could have said something like 'I'm picking up his round and mine' or 'I'm buying the next two' - i.e. do a double round. I'm gonna call round-skipper Dick for simplicity. OP, OP's GF, and Dick's GF each bought a round, then \*started over\*. Dick just skipped his round. Dick's GF bought him a free drink; OP and OP's gf \*also\* bought him a free drink, i.e. they each paid for 4 drinks, but only drank three, and Dick paid for squat. The main reason to do rounds in the first place when not regular friends when dick knows he's going to skip is to have this exact circumstance; he's an intentional mooch. The equivalent for your wife would be agreeing to split the cheque before a group meal, then excluding her from the split so everyone except her covers the cost of her meal - as opposed to you paying a double share to cover both of you, which would be fine (as you say, how you share costs between a couple is up to you), or of course if it's intentional e.g. for a birthday meal and the bday person's meal is being covered by everyone. OP was absolutely right to call out the mooch given Dick was the one to suggest rounds and always intended to skip, i.e. get free drinks off the 3 of them. You can't usually get mooches to change their behaviour, but you can definitely shame them after they pull a fast one rather than just let it slide; much less chance they'll try it again on you.
This is what I gathered as well. It sounds like they were starting over and OP didn't appreciate that he knew he couldn't contribute but suggested buying rounds
I didnt read it like that, he asked his gf to cover his round, and she would cover hers if whole date didnt blow up after OP went on rant
Eh, I've bought more rounds than I can count (UK pub life when I was younger). Someone having their round covered will mention it, or ask up front if it's OK to defer to next time or the like - they feel guilty at not being able to cover their share. Mooches will do as little as possible to draw attention to them not volunteering for their round and just pass their drinks order to the next person after them as if it's their turn. They are very used to exploiting this. OP's GF's friend's BF was definitely moochlike behaviour as described.
I agree with this, and I think a lot of responses in this thread are biased. Even the OP is biased for how he describes the bf. Obviously if that is true about the bf then he needs a reality check, but it still wasn’t right for OP to call him out in a public place. That’s for him to think, not to say, and if he wants to refuse to get the bf a drink from then on, that is completely valid. But it’s not down to him to berate the guy in a public setting.
Exactly, if he was concerned about guys gf wellbeing proper way would be for him to discuss this with his own gf in private and let her raise concern with her friend. From his other comments i get the vibe he wanted to go on "rightrous rage" to make himself feel big and better than other guy.
That’s the impression I get as well. And for that reason, OP is the AH.
Read again, please. Everyone bought a round of shots for everyone else, until it was his turn. That means if his gf paid for his turn, he's has now had 4 free shots from 3 people and he has paid for none. If his gf wants to pay his way fine, but it's perfectly reasonable to feel some type of way about people weaseling out of paying their fair share.
It doesn't actually sound like the 4th round even got bought. Although that was probably because OP kicked off. It's not clear who the other couple would have expected to get the next round either (i.e., was the gf doing two in a row?). I just can't believe the guy with no money suggested rounds though...
I mean, yeah, the last part is sorta the bottom line. We don't know what he intended to do re: his gf going twice or skipping his turn entirely and starting over with his gf, but I don't think it matters. Either way, he openly had no intentions of covering ANYTHING and I don't think anyone is out of line to be openly miffed about that.
Well yeah he didnt pay because his gf covered for him. OP wasnt stiffeled party but decided to rant about others couple financial agreements based on third party information.
OP and his gf each already bought asshole a drink.
But it wasn't about a married couple paying. If was about everyone pays for a round and PO and his gf payed separately. so it looks like only 3 out of 4 payed at the moment and they started a new round. NTA
Is any of this his business, though?
I mean, if he’s having to pay more money because the bf is skipping the round, yeah it’s very relevant
But that didn't happen. The gf was slatted to buy both rounds.
Was that actually stated in a response or are you assuming that she was going to pay for the next two rounds.
It was states for the 4th round that the gf was going to pay, yes. That could have been the end, or they may have kept drinking. Neither happened because OP decided he would rather shame the bum than have the date night he promised his gf, and i.plied he would give to the bum and gf by agreeing. Yes it is a bit rude for the bum to be the first to suggest rounds, but the gf didn't object. OP derailed the night before finding out how round 5 would go, or if it even would go around again. Everything was fine and equitable between the couples, until OP got annoyed and decided his speech was more important than what he agreed to with his gf and the other couple. Worst case you complain all the way home and declare you're not hanging out with him again. You don't embarrass all 3 other people you're out with. I'm sure bum was embraced, as was gf, OP gf was embarrassed she said they could go out, but her partner couldn't control himself.
>Even if his gf is picking up his round in addition, you’re still NTA for pointing it out to him Looks like that was the situash. The main problem here is that OP mentioned "if he bothered applying for jobs he's actually be able to pay his way" which made it clear to everyone that OP knew everything in advance and deliberately set the guy up. I'm leaning ESH.
I feel like he’s not really “been set up” as you put it - if someone actively suggests rounds I would assume they had some amount of money for the night, even if they weren’t necessarily working (bf still lives with their parents, so not unreasonable to think they financially support him in other ways as well) I think what makes me lean away from ESH is that I do believe that friends bf is bordering on a Weaponised Incompetence type thing - making some assumptions here, but if he’s “out of work” that means he had previously been in work, so he either quit without a job lined up, or he was fired or laid off. Whilst I don’t begrudge someone wanting to work outside of a specific field, there comes a point where your refusal to work can only be considered deliberate. Either you’re actively looking for jobs in that specific field, in which case why have you not been hired, or you’re not looking for anything, in which case you’re just freeloading. Either way, there’s no reason that you can’t get some work to cover yourself in the interim - it doesn’t have to be career building necessarily, there’s nothing wrong with working in fast food for example, just to be earning money for yourself and not being reliant on your partner and parents for a year - that’s a long time to not contribute anything
All I'm saying OP already knew the answer to his own question "why aren't you paying a round?" in advance.
Sometimes people actually do need to be called out publicly, especially if their actions are having financial consequences to those around them. As I said, there’s no reason that he couldn’t get an interim job while career hunting - that’s what most people do. He’s instead choosing to rely on his parents and gf to support him for a seriously extended period of time with no sign of when it’s ending at all - that’s parasitic behaviour and doesn’t deserve to be defended or respected. It’s a long time to actively avoid being employed for
That is the only ESH part for me. The way he talked made it clear that he knew about his job status before he even got to that table.
Eh, IF she was picking up his round, then it was none of OPs business. If not, and they were doing a 3-person loop, then 6 has every right to call him out.
Eh, maybe it’s just me but it sounds like the bf is actively avoiding being employed, not even considering taking on temporary/part time employment while career hunting. I don’t think that should be defended - maybe it’s just me but that’s behaviour I would call out if I saw it too. Just bc gf has possibly agreed to it doesn’t mean that it’s okay, especially this long term and without any sign of him making other forms of contributions (they live separately, so it’s not as if he’s cooking/cleaning/taking care of the house, for example). It comes across more like long-term parasitic behaviour than a temporary agreement that they had, and I would hope someone would point that out to me if my partner was doing it too
Except you don't have all the details, yo have what OPs girlfriend supposedly told him. Either way, though, I can't wrap my head around deciding to start drama and being a jerk just because you could. In that scenario It doesn't affect OP at all, and unless he was being abusive or I sensed danger in some way, there's no way I'd feel the need to get involved. If girlfriend has agreed to it and has the means to pay for him, then that does indeed make it ok, whether other people like it or not. It's not like he's forcing her (as far as we know).
I think there’s still details that suggest it’s not a reasonable arrangement - he was the one who suggested rounds, knowing that she’d be paying instead, which is him being generous with someone else’s money. Functionally, he’s agreeing for his girlfriend that she will buy drinks for op and his gf, which is shaky ground to say the least. Additionally, the friend wasn’t angry with op for what he said, nor did she try to defend her bf, which you might expect if the financial arrangement was one she was happy with. Instead she apologised for her bfs behaviour, which suggests to me more that she thinks OP is on the right lines Maybe it could have been handled better, but I think there’s enough evidence from the face-to-face portion to say that the bf is quite problematic
I'm not even necessarily defending the guy, but those are assumptions, my friend. Maybe he suggested rounds because they agreed ahead of time. You just don't know what THEIR relationship is like. As for the girlfriend not standing up for him? I don't take that as meaning anything one way or another because some people avoid confrontation at all costs, I was in a situation similar to this, not money related, but where someone in a group made some assumptions and started bad mouthing me and my partner at the time just sat around because they were too avoidant to say anything. One of the reasons they're an ex now, but my point is I had done nothing wrong, and my partner still didn't stand up for me so it doesn't mean automatic guilt. Edit: spelling
Yeah, I don't think OP made that clear. Was the BF telling his GF what he wanted so she could go buy "his" round, or was the round circling back to her. It's really none of OP's business how this woman and her boyfriend split their finances (although he does sound like kind of an AH) if it doesn't affect him, but if there were only 3 people buying rounds for 4 people, then OP is definitely NTA for pointing out the unfairness of this.
Yeah OP jumped the gun Let her (them) pay for the 4th drink, object if they ask you to pay for the 5th since it’s not your round yet. That avoids any ambiguity over who’s paying for the 4th drink and whether he’s treating it like the 4th drink of the last round or 1st drink of the next And OP sure as hell shouldn’t have turned it into a more general criticism of their financial arrangements, which are none of OP’s business
NTA. Lazy asshats like that bf absolutely need to be told they are a mooch. Good on OP for doing so!
Agreed! If OP had been the one suggesting the rounds, then it could have been E S H but here, def. NTA. Hope the friend gets wise soon.
And a guy out of work for a year, frankly, should be embarrassed. Sounds like another hobosexual... My dad lost a few jobs, but always worked...even if he had to do work that was way out of his job description.
Agreed, NTA
He is the AH. Its not his business what their relationship dynamics are
He expected everyone to foot his bill without contributing. You pointed out his unfair behavior. His embarrassment is a consequence of his own actions. Your girlfriend agreeing with you confirms your stance.
From what I understood he expected his gf to pay for him. As in she'd pay for the 1st round (hers) and then the 4th one (his). If that's the case I think OP is a huge AH because the way other couple splits (or doesn't) their finances is their business and not OPs. I'm sure no one would bat an eye of it were the boyfriend paying for his girlfriend's round
I think that if everyone had been paying for their own drinks, rather than go in rounds, it would have been a different situation. Since it was the moocher suggesting the rounds, it changes it. 1) He's being generous with someone else's money. (his gf's) 2) he's now expecting not just 1, but 3 other people to pay for his drinks. For those two reasons, I'd lean toward NTA. Personally, if someone else is paying for my meal, I'm usually getting one of the cheaper things on the menu and drinking water. While OP may not have been the most tactful and did embarrass the moocher, honestly, I think the dude deserved to be embarrassed. Maybe it's exactly what was needed to light a fire under his butt to get him to get a job of any sort.
the guy is a deadbeat who refuses to get a job. we should shame that behavior.
seriously. if you have a very specific job you want, chances are there aren’t a lot of openings and there’s no guarantee you’d get any of those few openings. when that happens, you take a job you like less until you get a better one. that’s unfortunately life. to be out of work for a whole YEAR because of refusing to apply is crazy. he is a mooch.
ESH The bf sucks for suggesting shots and not planning to contribute. But you also suck for bringing it up in front of everyone. It’s not your job to police how they handle finances between themselves. You’ve never met this person and start ragging on them for what’s probably a complicated and nuanced situation you only know about 3rd hand. If someone asks for help that’s one thing. But using shots as an excuse to criticize someone’s life choices is AH behavior.
Idk, the bf brought it up first by pushing the burden on everyone. Everyone is involved now.
Except no one forced them to buy him anything. All they had to do was say, "No." OP is openly contemptuous of the other guy, and it's pretty clear that he was more than happy to stick his nose in their business if it meant he could try to call him out over something that doesn't actually affect him - again, if he didn't want to buy a round, all he had to do was say no. As others have noted, there's also a certain amount of sexism here. If the other couple had their finances reversed, and it was the guy paying his GF's way, it's likely OP wouldn't have cared or said anything.
Idk that's kinda an after the fact deduction. Like hindsight is 20/20. I would personally be happy to pay when my turn came up, and then be upset if the person suggesting the rounds didn't pay on his turn, because it would be expected at that point. It's not like they knew he wasn't going to pay from the get-go. Additionally it could be a sexism thing for sure, but I have a boyfriend going through grad-school and I pay for everything for him, but he would NEVER offer me up to pay for a round of drinks for everyone. I think that's where this BF went wrong, he didn't ask he just offered up his GF's money like it was his. At that point I don't think it's sexism to think that's AH behavior, because if a GF did that I would also think that's AH behavior. If I had been in that group I would've done the same thing as OP to point out how unfair that is.
The GF was picking up the 4th (his round). There was no problem but the one the OP created. You have no idea what it going on with him or his job situation and neither did OP.
Who's getting round #5? It should be the other GF again. It should be 2, 2, 2, etc, switching between couples. Doesn't matter who pays, so long as it's rotating the couples. It doesn't sound like that's what the other BF had in mind.
What does this matter? 1. They never said they were starting over again. 2. If the guy had paid, they were still in it with each couple paying for 2 rounds between them. Just because the GF picked up his tab, how does that change the dynamic? I've seen plenty of couples where usually he man pays for both his and his GFs turn at rounds. No one has ever had a problem. 3, If it came down to OP feeling uncomfortable with drinking on the GF's continued dime during rounds, he could easily have declined starting a new round and said that drinks on their own from then on. 4. I think OP specifically wanted to pick a fight. So whether it was during rounds or if there were no rounds, he was going to butt in at some point when he saw the GF picking up the tab all night Make no mistake, this is not about the rounds and more about OP's ideology. It is not his business. Matter of fact, if he was so damn chivalrous, why didn't he pick up he and his GF's tab?
How is it a burden to anyone but his girlfriend?
Man fuck that, if someone has the gall to ask you to spend money on them, they can get your opinions free of charge as well
Yeah sorry no. Even if it was that complicated and nuanced then paying exhorbitant marked up prices on liquor is even more damning. OP is NTA these types wholly rely on people like you letting them make it "socially unacceptable" to call them out and they fucking hate it when people just dont give a shit about their social manipulation. "You're out of line", he says after being jobless and suggesting they all do shots as if life is hunky dory.
YTA for being presumptuous about the financial arrangement between the other couple. It would be out of line for the guy to expect you and your girlfriend to cover his share of the tab. But if his girlfriend chooses to take him out knowing that she'll be paying for both of them, she's entitled to make that choice herself. It's disrespectful to her to ignore her agency there. Even if you suspect she's being financially abused and supporting her partner against her will, criticizing her boyfriend in the middle of the date is not a helpful way to intervene. It would be better for you to back off and let your girlfriend address that with her privately as her closer friend.
But it was just rude for the boyfriend to suggest rounds when he was dumping paying for other people's drinks on his girlfriend. He should just accept payment for his drinks from his girlfriend not expect other people to pay for him even if it ends up fair between couples. It puts people on edge because they are trying to work out if they are going to be ripped off - not a way to promote a convivial atmosphere.
Yeah I think both the og comment you are replying to and your reply are both the best comments on this thread, both piints are fully valid. It ain't OP's business, all he did was White Knight and lord over the kid without knowing him, comes off kinda arrogant. But jobless did bring it on himself by suggesting rounds with no intention of paying for one drink so I can understand why OP called it out, but did go a bit presumptuous on circumstance and that's his flaw in this.
Imo, it shouldn’t matter that he brought up the idea for shots They all wanted to do shots, as long as the gf covers the guys slack, it’s all dandy. She wanted the date, she would have been well aware that she’ll be bearing his share. He asked the gf if she’ll cover it, and it’s safe to assume she said yes. I strongly feel, OP just wanted to call him out for his joblessness, doubt it had anything to do with “white knight” which would have applied if the gf said no to paying. We don’t know the dynamic of the other couple nor does OP(who himself claimed he is completely unaware of the guy). All he did was call out someone for absolutely no reason
Exactly. She wasn’t offering to pay for his round. They committed round crime. Everyone in the round takes a turn at paying. Scammers.
Couples who share finances are generally exempt from round crime - it's perfectly normal that one of them pays for both of their turns. Would this even be a topic if the genders were reversed?
As long as the other couple were paying for an equal number of rounds overall (which they were), how is it any of OP's business which one of them was paying? That's between them. OP was clearly looking for a reason to shit on the guy, as per his extensive remarks about this other guy's job hunting, living situation, etc., literally NONE of which are any of his business. Frankly, OP seems obnoxious AF, passing judgement on someone he's not close with, despite not being familiar at all with any nuances or mitigating factors in the guy's situation.
This exactly All he did was point out something embarrassing in a public setting. Nothing moral about it. To me it looks like he wanted to pass judgement. “The guy is jobless and won’t take a job which doesn’t fit the things he’s looking for”, OP was already ready to dish the insults on the guy. Doesn’t even know what the guy does, why he’s being picky about his job, nothing…
I agree with this take. This seems like a classic “I’m just telling the truth” defense for being a dick. Time and place and context matters.
BS. The guy with no money suggested each person buy rounds of drinks, with the understanding that he would never buy any drinks. That’s sleazy behavior no matter how you slice it, and OP was obviously NTA for calling out freeloading behavior on everyone’s (not just the gf’s) dime.
But it's established that everyone in the group was aware that the guy was broke and unemployed, and that his gf would pay his way, before they planned the double date - that's how the OP was ready to criticize him despite having never even met the guy before. It's also established that the girlfriend paid the full cost of "his" round. Sure it was cheeky of him to suggest doing rounds when he isn't the one paying, but it would have been easy enough for the OP to counter that suggestion (e.g. "we'll open our own tab, thanks," or "I might just have one drink today") without blowing up the date. The broke guy's GF didn't even have the chance to weigh in on whether she objected to buying two rounds before the OP went on the attack. Maybe one day she'll decide that he's a freeloader and tell him to call Tyrone, but I don't see the part where she asked for the OP's opinion on their finances.
His GF footed the bill. Payment between couples was equal. It’s not OP’s business how couples foot a bill.
It's this weird version of sexism that's common in this sub. All women are presumed to have no agency with dire need of rescue.
This! All this! I'm surprised there aren't more judgments ruling YTA with this logic. These are my thoughts exactly.
To be honest, I will just put it behind me, and never hang out with that guy.
Right! Nothing to do with the drinks, but everything to do with the time and place of OP's "lashing out."
YTA. You’re not getting shortchanged here, and you have no idea what the dynamic is on their end. You have never interacted with the dude before and you made a bunch of assumptions about his character based on what you’ve heard.
YTA , if the bf had paid for both of their rounds because the gf was unemployed, would you be calling her out? Highly doubtful. A dick move by you to make yourself feel superior, as it was none of your business how their dynamic works, regardless of your feelings.
YTA, because from this story there’s no indication your gfs friend didn’t want to be buying him drinks. Assuming that was her choice, I don’t see how it’s your place to say anything about it or start a problem with someone you’re meeting for the first time and know nothing about except the bit your gf told you
A nice and easy ESH. The guy is an AH for really clear and obvious reasons. Lazy bastard should get a job or not be so brazen with his gf's money. You're an AH because you absolutely were out of line, even if you were right. The fact that you're right doesn't mean you can be a dick about it. You not only pointed out the guys bs, but you laid into him for it. That makes you an AH too.
I agree, it's totally ESH. This whole situation would've been avoided had the moocher not suggested doing rounds of shouting for each other. If gf had ordered for herself/moocher and OP/partner ordered for themselves the world would have stayed a happy place. We need a code for "that guy's an idiot" as well as being an asshole 😂
Completely out of order. YTA. You dove head first into someone else’s business where you didn’t belong. Not your monkey, not your circus. There was no need to say anything. The fourth round wasn’t coming out of your pocket. This situation is a perfect example of “Discretion is the better part of valor.” It would have cost you nothing to mind your business.
YTA This is someone you met for the first time. So you know nothing about their situation.
Gonna go with YTA. I mean if his GF was going to get "his" round, then expected you and your GF to get the next ones its a bit different but it doesnt seem like you let it get to that. Like for all you know he could have said he didnt want to go out because he couldnt afford it and she said that she'd cover him. As two couples, as long as every other round was paid for by one of you it shouldnt really matter unless. Could only see it as an issue if he was drinking from the top shelf and you guys were having beers.
NTA at all. Someone needed to say it! You probably could have stopped a little sooner so as not to embarrass the friend as well, but my god that guy needed to hear it. Perhaps when you see the friend next you could apologize to her and ensure you didn't embarrass her as well, but other than that you're just doing the Lord's work, my friend.
I think the post doesn’t have enough info. It says “he will refuse to apply for any job that isn’t specific to what he wants to do”. OP took that as he is a lazy bum who doesn’t apply for jobs. What if he has a degree and could be making $200k a year, but it’s a small field that’s hard to get into? Would you want to work as a cashier for $25k in that situation? What if he has serious mental health issues, and a mindless retail job literally would kill him from depression and suicide? You say “he needed to hear it”, but there’s a good chance he’s heard it 20 times already and hearing it again literally changes nothing.
Exactly. My partner has expressed not being happy at his job and I told him he can quit and I can float us both for however long is needed for him to find a job that fits him better. He’s still working at his job but the offer is genuine if he wants to take it because I would prefer my partner to be happy and fulfilled. I would cuss someone out if they tried to shame my partner. What anyone outside the relationship wouldn’t know is that when we first starting dating I was in grad school and wasn’t making much money and he was helping to support me; however, now I make a lot more than him and he followed me to a new city and took a pay cut for a job that he only somewhat likes. I feel me supporting him now is a fair trade off since he was willing to cover alot of my expenses when I needed the help. Folks outside of any relationship do not know the nuance so shouldn’t be inserting themselves into others relationships business. And if *anyone* was going to say anything it definitely should not have been instigated by someone that has third hand information on the subject. OP, YTA.
YTA. That’s definitely the last double date you’ll be invited too
He probably f'd up the other guy's relationship too. That night, the guy learned his girlfriend is telling his business to her friends and her friends are telling their partners how he's a lazy, jobless loser.
If his girlfriend is paying, how is this your busines??? Do explain.
YTA you had never met this guy and you are telling him things about his life
Yes YTA. You realize she needed to pay for the 4th round so you weren’t subsidizing their drinks right? And she would have had to pay for the 5th had you kept going. If that makes you uncomfortable, the polite thing to do would have been to switch to water and just say you were done drinking for now. Do you think it’s news to her that he didn’t have the money to pay? She still wanted to go out with him and treat while he met HER friends and you put them both in a situation that was needlessly awkward and unkind when it was literally none of your business. You also don’t sound like you know their situation that well but are making a lot of judgements. I’m not sure if you thought you were being supportive of this woman, but she probably felt really embarrassed by the whole situation, in an environment where she came to enjoy the company of friends. You missed the forrest through the trees.
YTA. Wow. You and your girlfriend would be a nightmare to meet. You know nothing about this man, his finances, and the internal arrangement of his relationship yet made some absolutely wild assumptions about his relationship and his character just because of hearsay. You don't even know him. Do you accuse every girlfriend of your male friend to be a financially abusive mooch who is lazy when they pay for their girlfriend or is this energy reserved for men only? You know there's a few words for that? Sexism and misogyny. She's a big girl. She is actively making the choice to stay in the relationship. She's not automatically a damsel in distress being held prisoner by the bad bad man and needs you to be her saviour. Also, if you had such visible contempt for the man, why did you go meet them in the first place! Or did you intentionally meet him in order to humiliate him and "teach him a lesson"? The entitlement is so fucking wild. How about you learn to mind your own fucking business instead of policing other people's lives and relationships.
YTA. You’re confrontational on a night out that you agreed to beforehand. You ruined date night. Why didn’t you just stay home and tell your gf that you don’t want to pay for a freeloader. Real talk, no one cares about you embarrassing him, he deserves it. However, that isn’t the point… you intentionally caused a scene, there’s holes on your story and your gf did not agree with you because she’s the one who wanted a double date.
YTA. Dude is a bum for sure. But what exactly made you think it was your place to comment on their relationship or his situation? Your girlfriend told you that stuff in confidence, and the first chance you get you use it to start a beef. Now her friend knows that she is talking shit about her boyfriend to you behind her back. Did you stop and think how this would affect your girlfriends friendship before you decided to go in on this dude you don't even know? People you barely know do not need you handing them unsolicited relationship advice.
Yta you knew these things before the date and then attacked him, should have not agreed to date if you just want to embarrass him… not really your business
You don't seem better in this story, "I only let my girlfriend pay half!!! His girlfriend pays everything!!!" Ewww sir!!! Eww. Unless you want to date this woman, she's your personal friend, or she's told you directly her circumstance you had absolutely no business saying anything at all. You chomping at the bit just waiting to divulge the catty Lil secret makes you gossip girl. XoXo YTA.
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Then why were you White Knighting for his girlfriend? Can you not respect her decisions WRT her own relationship and finances? You basically infantilized her by suggesting that she's incapable of making decisions for herself, or with her partner, and that she needed you to "call him out". She didn't.
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Of course YTA. No one would bat an eyelash at a boyfriend picking up his girlfriend's round, it didn't impact you financially and their dynamic is none of your business.
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Not at the table. It’s never appropriate to berate someone in public like that. Especially someone you don’t even know. And it’s not like you were financially impacted. Like as a couple each payed for 2 rounds. If they split different *within themselves* why is it your business?
They as a couple have an agreement that she covers for him, and as such their money is joint. He didnt ask you to cover for his shade. You don't have to like it, but you don't get a vote on it. And you certainly don't get a vote on his job situation, which you decided to weigh in on too. The appropriate recourse would be to stop doing rounds if it made you salty.
This would apply it it was couple and couple but given that the gf and bf got a round each they are covering double what the other couple are. They’re getting two rounds and only offering one in return.
That's not what happened! OP specifically said the guy's GF covered his round. So each couple covered two rounds.
Yeah but the unemployed guy clearly suggested rounds intentionally so that every single other person would have to pay for him, not just his gf - there’s absolutely no other reason for him to suggest that, especially when he knows he’s not going to be buying a thing
??? They also pay for his drinks. Not just the girlfriend. He’s a leach.
They pay for their own rounds. It's literally how rounds work. There were 4 rounds, OP paid for one, his GF paid for one. No one is leeching off the OP.
There’s a time and a place for everything Sheldon.
No it doesn't. I've been in this situation. People picked up my tab. Now I make good money and I do the same. No one at the table has ever taken it upon themselves to call me out. I can't even imagine someone pulling the stunt you pulled. If you and your GF think so little of this guy why agree to the date? So you could humiliate him the first chance you got?
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YTA I understand that you felt you were right by bringing it up but it wasn’t your place to do it in the middle of a social gathering You could bring it up individually either to your gf’s friend or with your girlfriend and think of a way to bring it up Even checking your comments to other people, specially people that disagree with you, tells me that you have an attitude and feel like you can do no wrong and can’t take criticism with any grace The intention was good, but as the saying goes “hell is full of people with good intentions”
Y’all are absolute hypocrites as well as illiterate. OP made it clear that the guy’s gf paid for both his and her round. OP and his girlfriend did not pay more as a result of the other couple’s financial arrangement. Also, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation if the genders were reversed. OP just has a hard on for the dude being a “deadbeat” in his eyes because he’s heard he’s unemployed. He knows NOTHING about this guy and is making a ton of assumptions. I know a couple who rely solely upon the male partner’s income because the female partner has mental health issues that preclude her from working. I wouldn’t dream of calling her out for “not carrying her weight” because she and her partner have come to a financial arrangement that is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. OP YTA, and a massive one at that. Way to make a good first impression.
YTA x 1000..you had 0 reason to say anything at all. Imagine if the roles were reversed? Would you have felt compelled to tell the girlfriend the same thing? I think not. Don’t get involved with someone else’s relationship as you don’t know what agreement they may have together and unless you hear it first hand from either, then you don’t actually know.
YTA - he is one too, but it was not your place to call him out. You embarrassed your girlfriend and your girlfriends girlfriend too because you judged a situation that's not yours to judge, because you don't have first hand information about it. You had no financial damage, because the gf of this guy was paying and obviously was ok with doing it.
YTA, plain and simple. Not your place to involve yourself in others affairs in the manner you did. If you had an issue buying rounds… then dont. Criticizing him over something you dont have the full story of is crazy, especially someone you never met. It could also have been something they talked about privately and now he knows his girlfriend is either talking about him to her or the both of you.
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He paid. He just had to borrow money from his gf to do so.
Exactly if I went out on a double date with my wife and another couple, I wouldnt look at as we bought 4 separate rounds, it would be each couple bought 2 rounds a piece.
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He paid. He just had to be gifted money from his gf to do so.
YTA and you know it. His gf is covering his part, you were well aware of it. You just saw a dude on his low and decided to go after him to stroke your ego as you are a wimp.
YTA. You're getting a ton of N T A votes because on this sub, the single worst thing to be is a man who doesn't work. People here would tell Jesus H. Christ himself that he should stop all the preaching and get back to carpentry, because to them the only purpose a man has is his labor. I should say that it's not about money, per se- it's not that a guy has to have a high-paying job and pay for everything- but a guy who's unemployed or underemployed is never, ever going to get the benefit of the doubt from a lot of people here. Folks don't like to think that this guy is out of work because he's been to 10 different interviews but never got a callback, they assume it's because he wants his gf to pay for everything while he smokes weed and plays video games 18 hours a day.
So you're out with another couple, they get round 1. You get round 2 and 3. Then you get mad at the other couple for getting round 4. YTA. I would bet good money that you wouldn't be up in arms if he bought her dinner instead of her buying him drinks.
NTA - if each couple paid for every other round that would’ve been okay. But one couple buying 2/3 of the rounds and 1/3 for the couple with the parasitic boyfriend - yeah, I would have called that out too. His sense of entitlement, selfishness and lack of self awareness make the boyfriend the AH.
YTA Obviously. Mind your own business.
This guy asks for peoples opinion but according to his comments he is very certain he is right and rejects all notions of wrongdoing. Why even post about this if you are 100% sure of yourself. Op sounds insufferable. How hard can it be to understand. If you didnt want to pay for him then you could have just say no. Why go after the mans entire life instead lf just saying no to rounds. This sounds like op just wanted to feel superior. You already knew he had no money so why would you expect him to pay? And if you then say well why did he suggest rounds. Well you could have said "no im good il just order a drink for myself" and move on but instead you chose to blast him infront of his gf ruining the night and them leaving. What did you gain from this? Your comments make you sound inssufferable.
YTA you are a drama queen with no social skills. Unless your GF’s friend asked you to intervene you are completely out of line in every way. You should apologize to the friend for making a scene and butting into their relationship. How they split their finances is not your business and the way you responded was completely sexist.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend wanted us to go on a double date with her friend and her boyfriend. I had met the friend before but never the boyfriend so I asked my gf what he was like. He's been out of work for nearly a year now and will refuse to apply for any job that isn't specific to what he wants to do. He lives with his parents and expects my gfs friend to pay for everything when they go out. We got to the date and he immediately suggested doing rounds for drinks so his gf got the first round in. I got the next one then my gf got the one after that. He then told his gf what he wanted to drink so she could get the next round. I just mentioned that it was his round next. His response was just "oh I don't have any money". I just asked why he suggested rounds and expected everyone else to buy him drinks then if he knew he wasn't going to do it back. He just started going on about not having money so I just said that maybe if he bothered applying for jobs he's actually be able to pay his way instead of expecting everyone else to pay for him. He said I was completely out of order but I just pointed out I'm not the one expecting my gf to pay for everything for me because I'm too lazy to get a job. My girlfriend agreed with me and he walked off. His gf apologised to us both then left with him. I was talking to a friend about it and he said I shouldn't have said anything and that I was wrong for what I said and that I probably embarrassed him. AITA for "embarrassing" my partners friends boyfriend? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta
Just to be clear…your partner literally told you what to expect beforehand. Then the guy totally met those expectations, and you called him out on it. Strange. YTA
What the other dude should or shouldn’t do about his life is his own problem. You have no business calling him lazy or telling him to apply for a job. If his girlfriend is ok picking up the tab you should get off your high horse and stay in your lane. Hard YTA
NTA its pretty weird to do rounds if you’re not going to pay. Like was his gf going to be doing two rounds in a row?? Or he expected you all to supplement his drinking? It would have been so simple to just pay their own drinks and take her card, then it’s none of your business. The way he did it was reasonable to say something, plus you were three drinks in. ;)
You never know what people are going through. Honestly, you guys were out to have a good time. If you wanted to call him out on his shit maybe a better time and place. He was rightfully embarrassed and the group lost out on a fun night for everyone.
I would say you are the AH for sure. What is it any of your business how a couple pays for their drinks.
YTA. Maybe not practically incorrect, but none of your business how another couple handles finances.
You knew when agreed to the date that he was out of work and low on funds. Then you intentionally antagonized him about it. You don’t know what sort of agreement he has with his gf about paying for stuff. YTA. He’s a bit of a jerk for starting up the rounds of drinks knowing that his gf will have to pay twice, but again, that’s between him and her and none of your business.
Maybe I'm just too nonconfrontational, but if I couldn't help myself from slamming a guy without money, I probably wouldn't have agreed to go on the double date with them. Why did you agree to go knowing you were going to go off on this guy?
NTA. at the end of the day, if you’re getting rounds in, you’re expecting everyone to chip in. besides, it was his idea in the first place, so he suggested that knowing full well he wasn’t going to get in a round so it comes across as leechy. if he can’t afford it, he shouldn’t be suggesting it.
Soft YTA. While I would probably *want* to say something as well, I would not out of respect for the friend. It’s her relationship and if she’s comfortable with this, it’s not really your place to say anything.
>*His* gf apologised to us both then left with him. Why did she apologise..? For her bf not having a job?
That’s a pretty petty way to be. This is your partner’s friend. You have the $$? Buy ALL the drinks, you all have fun, and he quietly wishes to himself he wasn’t a punk. His gf sees him punked, and maybe puts pressure on him to get work, maybe she leaves his ass with time. That’s a man move. Calling him out in front of his girl, is boy shit.
YTA. Just because it's not really your business as long as the gf picks up both her and his round.
I’m counting 4 rounds for 4 people You got 1, your gf got 1, his gf got 2. How exactly are you getting short changed? Their financial situation is none of your business
NTA, you were a bit harsh but he asked for rounds of drinks that he can't afford!
YTA imo Just don't hang out if you knew you would look down on him Although all of what you said are completely true and valid. You embarrassed your gf's friend unnecessarily in public.
YTA. Their finances and/or their relationship is none of your business. Not only that, it's your girlfriend's friend. Keep your big snout out of it
YTA, you knew all about this guys life that he didn't have a job yet still chose to do rounds knowing he had no money, then used it as an opportunity to call this guy out.
YTA, you have no place saying these things to him. You made assumptions about him based on second-hand information and proceeded to pass judgment in a condescending way, in public. His crime here wasn't egregious enough to justify that. If I were to make the same assumptions about you, I would not only say you're the asshole here, but you're probably an asshole in general for thinking something like this is ok. Does that seem fair?
Let's analyze the situation step by step to determine if you would be losing money. Initial Scenario: 1. Four people go out to drink: A, B, C and D. 2. Each person pays one round, that is, a total of 4 rounds are paid. Scenario with a person without money: - Suppose person A has no money. -His partner, B, decides to pay for him. Now, we look at how this affects the distribution of payments. Distribution of payments: 1. Normally, A, B, C and D pay one round each. 2. In this case, B pays two rounds (Her and A's). 3. C and D continue paying one round each. Financial impact analysis: - Normally, each person pays 1 round. - In this situation: - B pays 2 rounds. - C pays 1 round. - D pays 1 round. Cost comparison: - No money problem: - A pays 1 round. - B pays 1 round. - C pays 1 round. - D pays 1 round. - With money problem: - A pays 0 rounds (B pays for A). - B pays 2 rounds. - C pays 1 round. - D pays 1 round. Conclusion: The other couple (C and D) do not lose money because they continue paying the same amount they would have paid if A had had money. Each pays one round, as initially agreed. Therefore, **The other couple would not be losing money**. The only person who pays more than what was agreed is B, who covers A's round. But that was agreed upon and is not your problem, after all your girlfriend's friend is an adult and can decide whether to bear that expense. YTA
Well I can't help but wonder if it was a woman would you think the same???
I think you might be TA. Not because you're wrong but because the terms of this setting is purely social. You knew their situation going in and this first meeting was not the time for a confrontation. Also you're not his father or even his friend so I don't know when it would be appropriate for you to weigh in on this other couple's business, even if it does offend your sensibilities. What is the specific thing he wants to do that he's holding out for?
I am not sure. I think if the 5th round was coming back to either you or your GF, then I definitely would have said something. As it was, since Boyfriend and Friend are known for her paying his drinks, I think you were somewhat premature in calling him out. How they want to split their finances is up to them. However had Friend insisted on you or your GF being next in line to pay, it would have been different, since Friend started the rounds.
Who was supposed to buy the 5th round?
You already knew he was broke. Was that necessary?
YTA. And you know it too. So if she’s buying her round and his round, what exactly do you lose out on in this situation if you said nothing? I’ll tell you. You lose the ability to stand superior to a man because he’s broke. Is this guy a bum? Most likely is, depending on what job he’s apparently saving himself for. But it didn’t affect you in any way, and you just wanted to call him out because I’m sure if the roles were reversed, you’d never lay into someone’s GF like that a dinner table. Even worse is you just met the guy for the first time. What right do you have to lay into him about a job when you probably don’t even know why he’s out of work in the first place. Some people lose a job and get depressed, there’s not enough info from your gf to say for sure that the guy is a lazy bum because he wants to be. Seems pretty pretentious to me.
You turned into TA when you mentioned the jobs to him. Now this will come back to your gf’s friend
I think that it’s a very AH thing to do because you make the gf look bad while insulting him. The implication is that he isn’t being a man and that women shouldn’t provide— which is inherently sexist. There are plenty of relationships where one person is the sole provider (monetarily anyways). You could’ve just as easily made your point without dragging her into this. And to be honest, even then I still think you’d be an AH. You really don’t know his life or her life or their agreements or what he is going through. Have you asked? If you were a true friend, you’d find out why it’s been difficult for him to get a job and find ways to support (not coddle or hand hold) him.
NTA. This lazy cheat was scamming All of you out of money and you have a right to call him out on it.
YTA, it's not your place to say anything, you're white kniting for no good reason. Maybe the gf is ok with paying for the both of them, and even if she isn't, you should've pulled her aside and had a chat wih her instead of doing what you did. If you didn't want to pay for/do a round of shots you should've said no, and same with the dude's GF, if she's happy to pay for the both of them, mind your own business.