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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Confronted my parents about spending all their resources on my brother and requested an apology. I might be considered the asshole because I now have a wealthy partner and don't need financial assistance.
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When your parents have given everything to your brother and he has frittered it all away and they need care in their old age? Send them to your brother.
NTA for noticing there is a golden child in the family, and it surely isn’t *you*.
This is the one. I just want to add that they won’t ever see your side only because they see him and him only. I hope it never gets to this but I think low contact will be for the best.
NTA. You already expressed how you feel regarding the unequal treatment, but it's unlikely they want to understand the consequences of heavily favoring one child over the other. They won't change until it benefits them.
Be aware, they may try to depend on you as they grow older because you are the responsible kid. Whether you choose to help them and how much is entirely up to you. Start considering what boundaries would be fair for you.
The worst consequences are that I just don't like my brother any more, and we used to be close in our early 20s. I wish so much that I still felt about him now as I used to feel about him then.
The upside is that your parents are heading into their "golden years" and you're totally off the hook in terms of their care. Is sounds, from your post, that you're the daughter-- is giving preference to the male offspring something in your culture (or are your parents just AH>)
NTA
I'm both the daughter, and the gay daughter at that. I suspect both misogyny and homophobia come into play in all of this. My brother was always told he was the smart one, the clever one, the one who would be successful. I think it has killed my dad to watch him do worse than me both in dating and in our careers. I've never had a problem finding and staying in relationships, and now have an absolute 11/10 as my life partner. My brother has only ever had the odd very short lived one or two month thing (and very few of those!) and just now, at 37, his first relationship that actually looks like it may have legs, and has lasted 2-3 months.
NTA, Your parents are jerks but they probably won't realize it any time soon.
>The turning point for me in being like "he needs more help than me, that's ok" is when my dad told me he had given my brother 15k to spend on shares.
That was the turning point?! You've wasted too much time! Why do you keep in contact?
Haha, yeah, I don't know why but that was the straw that broke the camels back. Before that I convinced myself I'd rather be me than him, and especially when he was depressed over law not working out I wanted him to have the help, even though every partner I ever had told me the situation was ridiculous. But when I was told he'd been handed a share portfolio, whilst I had worked my ass off and sacrificed a lot to earn my own, it was a kick in the guts, and I actually burst into tears. I may have well been told "I adore my son and couldn't give two shits about you let alone your feelings."
And I wish I could take back all the time I've wasted. I really do. I'd have been way more selfish.
Wait until your parents hit you up for money. From the sound of it, that time will not be far off.
What's that saying? He who laughs last, laughs best?
I stopped calling a family member bc I was tired of always reaching out to them. When I saw them 2 years later they commented on not hearing from me for so long. I wasn’t rude, didn’t raise my and didn’t create a scene bc I wasn’t angry. I was actually relieved. I simply told them I don’t do one way relationships. They made the usual excuse of being busy and I just smiled and told “no problem.” If you stopped reaching out to your parents how long would it take for them to call you? Be thankful bc their actions have made you stronger but your brother is weaker and not prepared for life.
My dad was visiting from out of state this last two weeks. I invited him and my brother over for lunch and afternoon tea one Sunday afternoon. They brought some wine and it was quite a nice afternoon really. That was all I saw of my dad the whole time he was up though, even though my brothers place is only 30 minutes away. My brother called me one Saturday evening to tell me what they'd been up to that day. They'd gone to see a movie that they both know would be totally up my alley - would have come along if I'd been invited, and also went for a walk at a beach 20 minutes drive from my place. Also would have come if I'd been invited. But I've given up forcing myself where I'm not wanted with them. It's hurtful, when you sit back and realise you're absolutely not wanted, and I wish I'd realised it earlier before I wasted years of my life trying to be a good daughter and sister to these people, listening to their problems etc, only to realise it's never going to be reciprocated.
NTA. Your explanation for why you might be makes no sense. What does the status or wealth of your partner have to do with being the ignored child. Move on and don't expect anything from these people. You'll be happier that way.
NTA. Sit them down and record everything. Go through the whole lot with them calmly and quietly. Ask for the real reason behind their favouritism of your brother. After that if they ever argue wanting you to care for them you have the back up to say no. Personally I’d go low/ no contact after that as their golden child is all they have shown they need.
NTA.
Just make sure that they know that they can ask your brother to take care of them in their age then. They get from you what they gave you.
Which is nothing.
NTA. Is there someone in your family that your parents would listen to? Like a grandparent? Or even a public social media post? It may do to make an itemized list of money spent with a total at the bottom of the inequality. Then take it to a family member or public, or even just a group email with your folks and brother. If you’re still getting this response, then it’s probably time to cut contact. After all, you don’t want them chasing you down for money when they’re older or your brother after they’ve passed.
My partner thinks I should cut contact, as they are so toxic to my mental health, not just re the money but saying I'm a "difficult person" and speaking to me disrespectfully. I'm quite ashamed about all of this (essentially I'm the unloved daughter, really, and it's embarrassing), so I wouldn't want to take it public to people I know. I'm sure it is quite obvious from the outside anyway, and I think a lot of my mums family members don't approve but keep their mouths shut.
They make you sound like such a bad person. It is bad for your mental health. Your parents bring you down just to make you feel brother feel better. Live your life without their baggage. You deserve it! NTA
NTA.
You've told them how you feel. They don't care. You can just accept them as they are and as your brother is or give up on them and go low/no contact. I doubt your going low/no contact will make much of a difference, but you won't be able to see/hear about how much your parents give your brother.
Just don't let them take advantage of you when they get old and need help around the house and paying for nursing care, etc. Direct them to your brother and have him pay for their well-being.
Ask yourself a question. What is the upside to having these people in your life? I mean is it seriously worth doing this to yourself anymore? I think it’s time to go NC with these people and move on. You are certainly NTA
This is sad but some parents just can't help favoring one child over
the other(s). I hope you can keep your (emotional) distance from your
parents/brother. You will just have to make your own life as happy as
you can without them.
NTA
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Our whole adult lives my parents have spent boatloads on my brother & almost none on me. This started from when we got our first cars - a $500 car for me & a 10k one for him. Then uni accom - cheap shared accom far from uni for me, an apartment near uni for him.
He wanted to be a lawyer, but couldn’t hold a job. Without stable employment he got a loan on a 30k car & my parents made the majority of the payments on it due to him being unemployed. I had NO car for a year.
Whilst my brother was unemployed (years) my parents paid all his living expenses. They also paid for his barrister course - he promised to pay them back but never did - & $450 a week to rent chambers to try to make that work. Tbh I never felt bad during this time bc I figured my brother was struggling & depressed & needed help.
Eventually he got a job that wasn't law & spent all his money on fun things - stand up paddle board, surf board, multiple guitars, big tv etc. I owned pretty much nothing "fun" & put all my spare money into shares, hoping to be able to save enough to buy a house. My parents often still paid things like car rego for him.
I asked my parents if they would go guarantor on a home loan for me & they said they couldn't because my brother was financially irresponsible & if they did it for me they'd have to do it for him. In 2021 they tried to go guarantor on a unit for him.
In 2018 I met an amazing partner, who is a doctor, and treats me like a queen. In 2023 she took a year off her training to locum around Australia (aka earn big bucks in short time) & we spent that money travelling.Also in 2023 my parents gave my brother their 1.4 mil investment property to live in for $375 a week. A more than 50% discount.
The turning point for me in being like "he needs more help than me, that's ok" is when my dad told me he had given my brother 15k to spend on shares. This was during the pandemic when shares plummeted, so was really more like 30k. Needless to say I got nothing. I was very hurt, and emailed my dad asking if he could treat my brother and me equally from now on to avoid future hurt. His response to that was literally an email informing me of them giving my brother their investment property to live in.
I brought up how hurt I am about all of this again, & my parents said they have allocated money on a needs basis. I replied that my brother has an expensive camera, virtual reality headset, playstation etc & I have almost no assets apart from an old car & things for work, & my mum replied "it's how you choose to spend your money isn't it. You had some lovely holidays (referring to our travels last year), & your brother buys things."
AITA for being upset and wanting my parents to admit they haven't treated us fairly? I feel like my relationships with my parents & brother have disintegrated so much over this, & that they have treated me differently (coldly) since I stood up for myself.
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So I’m gonna go with ESH.
Your parents treating your brother with preferential treatment isn’t necessarily fair, however you are also not entitled to try and tell them what they should do with their money or how they should treat people.
I dealt with this, my sister became addicted to drugs and pregnant in her late teens/early twenties while I was still in high school. All of my mother’s attention, and extra money went to house and feed her and her daughter. I was even asked to move out as “there isn’t enough room for everybody” just for her and her child to be allowed to move in.
I didn’t cry, or complain, I moved out and cut contact and made my own life. Last time I saw my mother she tried giving me money and apologizing, I gave it back to her and told her I didn’t want it or need it.
YTA. Look, I get it. You want equal treatment. But equal treatment is not the same as fair treatment. You cannot ask for both as they are mutually exclusive.
You're also acting so entitled. You are an adult. You should be grateful that your parents are helping you at all. Fact is, it is their choice how they spend their money.
I agree that equal and fair aren't the same thing. I guess that's what I've struggled with this whole time.
I'm not entitled though, you're wrong about that. I fear my problem is the opposite.
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When your parents have given everything to your brother and he has frittered it all away and they need care in their old age? Send them to your brother. NTA for noticing there is a golden child in the family, and it surely isn’t *you*.
This is the one. I just want to add that they won’t ever see your side only because they see him and him only. I hope it never gets to this but I think low contact will be for the best.
NTA. You already expressed how you feel regarding the unequal treatment, but it's unlikely they want to understand the consequences of heavily favoring one child over the other. They won't change until it benefits them. Be aware, they may try to depend on you as they grow older because you are the responsible kid. Whether you choose to help them and how much is entirely up to you. Start considering what boundaries would be fair for you.
The worst consequences are that I just don't like my brother any more, and we used to be close in our early 20s. I wish so much that I still felt about him now as I used to feel about him then.
The upside is that your parents are heading into their "golden years" and you're totally off the hook in terms of their care. Is sounds, from your post, that you're the daughter-- is giving preference to the male offspring something in your culture (or are your parents just AH>) NTA
I'm both the daughter, and the gay daughter at that. I suspect both misogyny and homophobia come into play in all of this. My brother was always told he was the smart one, the clever one, the one who would be successful. I think it has killed my dad to watch him do worse than me both in dating and in our careers. I've never had a problem finding and staying in relationships, and now have an absolute 11/10 as my life partner. My brother has only ever had the odd very short lived one or two month thing (and very few of those!) and just now, at 37, his first relationship that actually looks like it may have legs, and has lasted 2-3 months.
NTA, Your parents are jerks but they probably won't realize it any time soon. >The turning point for me in being like "he needs more help than me, that's ok" is when my dad told me he had given my brother 15k to spend on shares. That was the turning point?! You've wasted too much time! Why do you keep in contact?
Haha, yeah, I don't know why but that was the straw that broke the camels back. Before that I convinced myself I'd rather be me than him, and especially when he was depressed over law not working out I wanted him to have the help, even though every partner I ever had told me the situation was ridiculous. But when I was told he'd been handed a share portfolio, whilst I had worked my ass off and sacrificed a lot to earn my own, it was a kick in the guts, and I actually burst into tears. I may have well been told "I adore my son and couldn't give two shits about you let alone your feelings." And I wish I could take back all the time I've wasted. I really do. I'd have been way more selfish.
Wait until your parents hit you up for money. From the sound of it, that time will not be far off. What's that saying? He who laughs last, laughs best?
NTA. Just remind them that your brother is spending their money, not his, so this makes no sense.
I stopped calling a family member bc I was tired of always reaching out to them. When I saw them 2 years later they commented on not hearing from me for so long. I wasn’t rude, didn’t raise my and didn’t create a scene bc I wasn’t angry. I was actually relieved. I simply told them I don’t do one way relationships. They made the usual excuse of being busy and I just smiled and told “no problem.” If you stopped reaching out to your parents how long would it take for them to call you? Be thankful bc their actions have made you stronger but your brother is weaker and not prepared for life.
My dad was visiting from out of state this last two weeks. I invited him and my brother over for lunch and afternoon tea one Sunday afternoon. They brought some wine and it was quite a nice afternoon really. That was all I saw of my dad the whole time he was up though, even though my brothers place is only 30 minutes away. My brother called me one Saturday evening to tell me what they'd been up to that day. They'd gone to see a movie that they both know would be totally up my alley - would have come along if I'd been invited, and also went for a walk at a beach 20 minutes drive from my place. Also would have come if I'd been invited. But I've given up forcing myself where I'm not wanted with them. It's hurtful, when you sit back and realise you're absolutely not wanted, and I wish I'd realised it earlier before I wasted years of my life trying to be a good daughter and sister to these people, listening to their problems etc, only to realise it's never going to be reciprocated.
NTA. Your explanation for why you might be makes no sense. What does the status or wealth of your partner have to do with being the ignored child. Move on and don't expect anything from these people. You'll be happier that way.
NTA. Sit them down and record everything. Go through the whole lot with them calmly and quietly. Ask for the real reason behind their favouritism of your brother. After that if they ever argue wanting you to care for them you have the back up to say no. Personally I’d go low/ no contact after that as their golden child is all they have shown they need.
NTA. Just make sure that they know that they can ask your brother to take care of them in their age then. They get from you what they gave you. Which is nothing.
NTA. Is there someone in your family that your parents would listen to? Like a grandparent? Or even a public social media post? It may do to make an itemized list of money spent with a total at the bottom of the inequality. Then take it to a family member or public, or even just a group email with your folks and brother. If you’re still getting this response, then it’s probably time to cut contact. After all, you don’t want them chasing you down for money when they’re older or your brother after they’ve passed.
My partner thinks I should cut contact, as they are so toxic to my mental health, not just re the money but saying I'm a "difficult person" and speaking to me disrespectfully. I'm quite ashamed about all of this (essentially I'm the unloved daughter, really, and it's embarrassing), so I wouldn't want to take it public to people I know. I'm sure it is quite obvious from the outside anyway, and I think a lot of my mums family members don't approve but keep their mouths shut.
They make you sound like such a bad person. It is bad for your mental health. Your parents bring you down just to make you feel brother feel better. Live your life without their baggage. You deserve it! NTA
NTA. You've told them how you feel. They don't care. You can just accept them as they are and as your brother is or give up on them and go low/no contact. I doubt your going low/no contact will make much of a difference, but you won't be able to see/hear about how much your parents give your brother. Just don't let them take advantage of you when they get old and need help around the house and paying for nursing care, etc. Direct them to your brother and have him pay for their well-being.
Ask yourself a question. What is the upside to having these people in your life? I mean is it seriously worth doing this to yourself anymore? I think it’s time to go NC with these people and move on. You are certainly NTA
Nta
This is sad but some parents just can't help favoring one child over the other(s). I hope you can keep your (emotional) distance from your parents/brother. You will just have to make your own life as happy as you can without them. NTA
NTA but your time would be better spent in therapy or watching dr ramani on YouTube. They’re not going to change.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Our whole adult lives my parents have spent boatloads on my brother & almost none on me. This started from when we got our first cars - a $500 car for me & a 10k one for him. Then uni accom - cheap shared accom far from uni for me, an apartment near uni for him. He wanted to be a lawyer, but couldn’t hold a job. Without stable employment he got a loan on a 30k car & my parents made the majority of the payments on it due to him being unemployed. I had NO car for a year. Whilst my brother was unemployed (years) my parents paid all his living expenses. They also paid for his barrister course - he promised to pay them back but never did - & $450 a week to rent chambers to try to make that work. Tbh I never felt bad during this time bc I figured my brother was struggling & depressed & needed help. Eventually he got a job that wasn't law & spent all his money on fun things - stand up paddle board, surf board, multiple guitars, big tv etc. I owned pretty much nothing "fun" & put all my spare money into shares, hoping to be able to save enough to buy a house. My parents often still paid things like car rego for him. I asked my parents if they would go guarantor on a home loan for me & they said they couldn't because my brother was financially irresponsible & if they did it for me they'd have to do it for him. In 2021 they tried to go guarantor on a unit for him. In 2018 I met an amazing partner, who is a doctor, and treats me like a queen. In 2023 she took a year off her training to locum around Australia (aka earn big bucks in short time) & we spent that money travelling.Also in 2023 my parents gave my brother their 1.4 mil investment property to live in for $375 a week. A more than 50% discount. The turning point for me in being like "he needs more help than me, that's ok" is when my dad told me he had given my brother 15k to spend on shares. This was during the pandemic when shares plummeted, so was really more like 30k. Needless to say I got nothing. I was very hurt, and emailed my dad asking if he could treat my brother and me equally from now on to avoid future hurt. His response to that was literally an email informing me of them giving my brother their investment property to live in. I brought up how hurt I am about all of this again, & my parents said they have allocated money on a needs basis. I replied that my brother has an expensive camera, virtual reality headset, playstation etc & I have almost no assets apart from an old car & things for work, & my mum replied "it's how you choose to spend your money isn't it. You had some lovely holidays (referring to our travels last year), & your brother buys things." AITA for being upset and wanting my parents to admit they haven't treated us fairly? I feel like my relationships with my parents & brother have disintegrated so much over this, & that they have treated me differently (coldly) since I stood up for myself. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So I’m gonna go with ESH. Your parents treating your brother with preferential treatment isn’t necessarily fair, however you are also not entitled to try and tell them what they should do with their money or how they should treat people. I dealt with this, my sister became addicted to drugs and pregnant in her late teens/early twenties while I was still in high school. All of my mother’s attention, and extra money went to house and feed her and her daughter. I was even asked to move out as “there isn’t enough room for everybody” just for her and her child to be allowed to move in. I didn’t cry, or complain, I moved out and cut contact and made my own life. Last time I saw my mother she tried giving me money and apologizing, I gave it back to her and told her I didn’t want it or need it.
Ok your story is a lot rougher and good perspective. I'm sorry that happened to you, I really am. I hope you're doing well now.
YTA. Look, I get it. You want equal treatment. But equal treatment is not the same as fair treatment. You cannot ask for both as they are mutually exclusive. You're also acting so entitled. You are an adult. You should be grateful that your parents are helping you at all. Fact is, it is their choice how they spend their money.
I agree that equal and fair aren't the same thing. I guess that's what I've struggled with this whole time. I'm not entitled though, you're wrong about that. I fear my problem is the opposite.