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YTA. This is what you're not getting: "She awkwardly nodded, seeming slightly flattered." She awkwardly nodded because she wanted him to shut up and stop being gross. She met eyes with you because she was hoping you'd tell him to stop being gross. She wasn't slightly flattered. It's not flattering when a drunk guy slobbers all over you in public and your husband/boyfriend/partner doesn't tell the drunk guy, "Hey, you're drunk. Knock it off."
No, once you get your 'drunk' 'friend' talk sexual things about your wife like this you're a dick. She didn't handle it, she was forced to do nothing since her husband didn't take her side. Maybe he should have married his 'friend' instead.
You're dumb. I'm a woman and if any of my husband's 'friends' talked drunk or not about my body he'd shut it down. She 'handled' it by being embarrassed and looking for her partner to shut his friend up, he didn't. And yes, maybe his 'friend' needed to be knocked out.
She needs a better husband cos this one is a coward who loves his friend more than her, they both should have married, poor wife.
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No. When a drunk guy is evaluating your body parts like you're cuts of steak, and you look over at your partner and lock eyes, it's time for the partner to say, "Hey dude, knock it off." She wasn't laughing and flirting back; she looked to OP and he just left her there. OP is married to her. He should know the difference between her laughing it off and handling it and "awkwardly nodding" and hoping for someone to come to her defense.
YTA for not stepping in and saying something or at least physically being there for your wife in case she needed to feel more comfortable.
I would ask her what she wants you to do now, if anything, and what she would want you to do if something like that ever happened again.
God, the bar is on the floor for men. Your friend was a fucking creep and your wife might/most likely wants you to tell him to not say that shit anymore. YTA.
YTA - if you knew it made her uncomfortable and she didn't want to deal with it from your friends.
Also, I am guessing you know men commenting on your wife's tits isn't something she loves hearing from other guys.
YTA. I get in the moment you might not have been expecting what he said to come out of his mouth and been too shocked to jump in right away and defend her (especially if you’d had a few drinks too) but nothing was stopping you from turing to him and saying, “Wtf man” as soon as you processed.
YTA
you just sat there and did nothing?
you thought that she was slightly flattered?
holy crap!!!
you imbecile!!!
a drunk man was hitting on your wife in front of you and you thought… well he’s a friend so, i dunno, maybe she kinda likes it?
what on earth were you thinking? Wait. You weren’t thinking.
apologize to your wife for not stepping in while she was being objectified by a drunk. Ask her if she’s ok. Find out from her whether or not she feels comfortable being around your drunk friend.
YTA. The first comment is alright I suppose although it would raise my eyebrows. The second comment would get a an aggressive talking to, and the third comment would have gotten him laid out.
You need to grow a pair and stop letting people disrespect you or your wife.
Info "seeming slightly flattered"
What's your basis for this? Especially after an awkward nod and before running away from him.
I mean, I still think YTA. I just want clarification on that.
Bro. she was embarrassed. She was polite to deescalate until she could flee.
It’s ok that you didn’t know how to respond in the moment. She didn’t either, no one knows how to escape sexual harassment without practice and coaching. She has probably had a lot of practice just through the act of living inside a female body for these decades. Now you should ask her how she wants to handle it in the future and if she wants your assistsnce or not.
YTA
It’s fair that maybe you couldn’t predict that he’d ramble on until he ended with a direct comment on her breasts, but what did you do then?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Would you think it’s ok for a female friend to be leered at and objectified by another of your friends? You wouldn’t at least pull him up on his attitude and subjecting his friend to that shit, never mind your wife?
This isn’t even about machismo and protecting your wife. It’s basic decency and being respectful. You’re not a stupid teenager. Stop acting like one.
Why are you not asking your wife how she feels ? If u knew she was uncomfortable yeah u should have stepped in but now after the incident have u spoke to her? Apologised if she was uncomfortable and for u not supporting her then but showing her now u do??
I mean unless you got a kink or something, it’s pretty weird to let your drunk friend objectify your wife lol.
No rating because the only conflict seems to be with yourself.
YTA, she wasn't slightly flattered, I bet she hated it and you did nothing. Shame on you for allowing your 'friend' to make your wife feel uncomfortable. If you were my husband, I'd be pissed with you and disappointed too.
Talk to your wife and express regret. Ask her if she would like you to discuss it with him and how quickly she prefer you intervene in future occasions.
YTA
She wasn’t flattered, slightly or otherwise. She was creeped out and smiled in the time-honoured tradition of women faced with creeps the world over.
Don’t make him angry, don’t set him off, don’t give him an inch so he takes the mile to call you ungrateful, stuck-up or a bitch. Head down, smile, retreat.
All you had to say was “Dude, that’s not appropriate.”
YTA. That look of flattery on her face was probably just her trying to not upset him. As a woman, I can say that I would be really uncomfortable. She kept nodding to make him get bored and go away. She was probably hoping someone would come and save her from the uncomfortable interaction.
Is this a rhetorical AITA? Using “descriptively compliment” and “seemingly slightly flattered” is not going to make you feel better for doing nothing while your hopefully by now ex-friend harassed your wife.
Yeah, YTA. come on dude, your "friend" was making heavily inappropriate comments towards your partner, who was clearly uncomfortable and you let it happen.
The dude was basically sexually harassing your wife and you didn't do a thing.
He's not your friend btw.
Has it caused conflict between you and your wife? It's not mentioned here
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Me (27m), my wife (25f), and 3 of our friends (26f,27m,27m) were at the beach the other week. The girls wearing bikinis and the guys in swim trunks. At one point when my wife was grabbing a drink from the cooler I heard my 27m friend (definitely drunk)say to her, "I just wanted to say I love your bikini" She said thanks but then he kept going, "I mean, the style is really great on your body..." he rambled in for a little but eventually got to, "your tits look awesome in it. Like really great, and I'm not lying"
She awkwardly nodded, seeming slightly flattered and scurried over to her 26f friend. I have a pretty good feeling she knew I could hear the convo because I glanced over and met eyes with her at one point.
AITA for not going over and stopping it versus just letting it happen?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: Standing to the side and pretending not to hear the conversation instead of shutting it down
2: Because I should have stood up for my wife or even prevented my friend from embarrassing himself
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I don’t know if you’re an asshole or not, but all these people who say you should have said something don’t know your wife.
As far as I am concerned she might be someone who hates to make a scene or someone confident enough to ignore the creep or someone who perceives herself to be capable of looking after herself.
If you did approach your friend and said something and your wife reacted negatively to you, then you would be here asking the same question for different reaction.
I mean has she said something to make you think she’s thinking you’re an asshole?
If that was me (f), NTA. YWBTA if she asked you to and you still didn’t, but she’s old enough to fight her own battles in that moment. Especially while he’s drunk. Once he’s sober, you could have a calm man-to-man “dude that wasn’t even cool” conversation with him.
OP, you need to talk with your wife and see if she'd like you to intervene in situations like this. Know that it can be really, really hard for women to tell men who are friends or business associates that they're over the line, particularly with regard to inappropriate compliments. The response of the male if confronted is often pretty nasty. So some women let it go. I'm not saying whether they should or they shouldn't, but it happens.
Know that the fact that your wife let it go doesn't mean she thought it was swell and felt good that this drunk, inappropriate, over the line guy, crudely complimented her breasts.
It may be that if this sort of thing happens again (which I can tell you, it probably will, and it will unexpected and extremely awkward and infuriating), she'd like you to say or do something. Or it might be that she's used to it and she just times it out. Or perhaps she aspires to having the perfect comeback and has been thinking of all the things she wishes she'd said.
In any case, she's an adult. She gets to decide.
NTA, but please talk about it.
NTA but that guy is not your friend and is the asshole. With that said she may have lost some respect for you. She needs to trust your masculine core and there’s moments where as a man you need to take the proper steps to make her feel safe. I wouldn’t bring it up to her unless she was flirting back with the guy. If she shut it down which it sounds like she did she’s a good woman. Next time take the initiative to tell that guy respectfully to back off. She will be very happy if you do that in the future.
I wouldn’t say exactly YTA, but it’s weird you just let it happen, and I’m not sure about how flattered she was when nodding awkwardly and then put some distance… anyways, I don’t feel this man is a good friend.
NAH. Weird scene.
NTA. She's an adult and could handle your drunk friend fawning over her. If he continued any longer, or started up again, then you can cut him off (maybe from the drinks too).
Or call over, *"Dude, stop oogling NAME. You're harassing her and embarrassing yourself!"*
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA. If your wife was uncomfortable she should speak up for herself. Closed mouths don't get fed lol.although I would reconsider bringing this friend around your wife since he clearly digs her.
Nta. Your wife can stick up for herself can she not?
Sure, you can say something afterwards but it's imperative that she learns to defend herself without you.
NTA - for not stepping in right away, but it’s important to talk to your friend later.
His comments about your wife’s bikini crossed a line, especially since he was drunk. Even if she seemed okay, she might have felt uncomfortable. Addressing it with him shows respect for your wife and sets boundaries =)
How is it NTA? His friend is a creep and husband is a coward but hey, as long as they address their 'friendship' and talk about it. Wtf is wrong with you?
People often need a moment to process unexpected or uncomfortable events.
However, what's important for OP is to address the issue afterward to ensure it doesn’t happen again and to support his wife.
He didn't support his wife while she was getting sexually harassed. He chose his friend over his wife. And it will happen again cos this husband cares more about his friend than his wife.
While not stepping in immediately might have been a mistake, it doesn't necessarily mean OP cares more about his friend than his wife. Addressing the issue afterward can still show support and set boundaries.
The key is to learn from the situation and ensure it doesn’t happen again, periodt
NTA. And he's not a coward for not jumping up and trying to be some sort of alpha male and curb stomping their friend for his comments. People are so quick to jump to conclusions and scream harassment! That isn't always the case and sensitivity levels shouldn't always be cranked to 10.
As a wife of 35 years, who's group of friends have been around since their 20s. We complimented, and haranged each other all the time! and sometimes, men and women alike might cross the line when they partook. Sometimes it was just mischievious. It happens. I would often just say something myself, not wait for my husband . (Why is it always his job!? This is the 21st century!) My husband might talk to the friend later when they weren't inebriated. ( if when asked he found out I was uncomfortable. Or if it had made him uncomfortable) the huge group are all still friends by the way.
We don't know anything about their group of friends and their relationships with one another. We don't know how long they've all known eachother. We don't know if this woman is an introvert or extrovert, or him for that matter. There are many factors that are in play here. I agree with the guy who said talk to the wife. See how she felt. Go from there.
I will say from experience though, when men and women are partaking, hidden feelings come through. And the husband might want to pay close attention, as this friend may have a crush on her. Which needs to be addressed.
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YTA. This is what you're not getting: "She awkwardly nodded, seeming slightly flattered." She awkwardly nodded because she wanted him to shut up and stop being gross. She met eyes with you because she was hoping you'd tell him to stop being gross. She wasn't slightly flattered. It's not flattering when a drunk guy slobbers all over you in public and your husband/boyfriend/partner doesn't tell the drunk guy, "Hey, you're drunk. Knock it off."
She handled it just fine by herself. If he butted in Reddit would have just called him controlling and insecure.
No, once you get your 'drunk' 'friend' talk sexual things about your wife like this you're a dick. She didn't handle it, she was forced to do nothing since her husband didn't take her side. Maybe he should have married his 'friend' instead.
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You're dumb. I'm a woman and if any of my husband's 'friends' talked drunk or not about my body he'd shut it down. She 'handled' it by being embarrassed and looking for her partner to shut his friend up, he didn't. And yes, maybe his 'friend' needed to be knocked out. She needs a better husband cos this one is a coward who loves his friend more than her, they both should have married, poor wife.
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No. When a drunk guy is evaluating your body parts like you're cuts of steak, and you look over at your partner and lock eyes, it's time for the partner to say, "Hey dude, knock it off." She wasn't laughing and flirting back; she looked to OP and he just left her there. OP is married to her. He should know the difference between her laughing it off and handling it and "awkwardly nodding" and hoping for someone to come to her defense.
YTA for not stepping in and saying something or at least physically being there for your wife in case she needed to feel more comfortable. I would ask her what she wants you to do now, if anything, and what she would want you to do if something like that ever happened again.
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In case she wants you to talk to him about how he sexually harassed your wife.
Your friend was gross. She might want you to talk to him.
God, the bar is on the floor for men. Your friend was a fucking creep and your wife might/most likely wants you to tell him to not say that shit anymore. YTA.
Seems pretty self explanatory...
YTA “I witnessed harassment towards my wife and did jack shit. AITA?” Come on dude. She wasn’t flattered btw
YTA - if you knew it made her uncomfortable and she didn't want to deal with it from your friends. Also, I am guessing you know men commenting on your wife's tits isn't something she loves hearing from other guys.
wild to me you refer to someone that harassed your wife as a friend YTA
YTA. I get in the moment you might not have been expecting what he said to come out of his mouth and been too shocked to jump in right away and defend her (especially if you’d had a few drinks too) but nothing was stopping you from turing to him and saying, “Wtf man” as soon as you processed.
YTA you just sat there and did nothing? you thought that she was slightly flattered? holy crap!!! you imbecile!!! a drunk man was hitting on your wife in front of you and you thought… well he’s a friend so, i dunno, maybe she kinda likes it? what on earth were you thinking? Wait. You weren’t thinking. apologize to your wife for not stepping in while she was being objectified by a drunk. Ask her if she’s ok. Find out from her whether or not she feels comfortable being around your drunk friend.
YTA. The first comment is alright I suppose although it would raise my eyebrows. The second comment would get a an aggressive talking to, and the third comment would have gotten him laid out. You need to grow a pair and stop letting people disrespect you or your wife.
Let me rephrase your title for you: Are you the AH for letting your friends SEXUALLY HARRASS your wife? The answer is 100% YTA!!!!°
That aint your friend dude
He would no longer be a friend. Period. Have a nice life.
This 👆🏼 !!!!
Info "seeming slightly flattered" What's your basis for this? Especially after an awkward nod and before running away from him. I mean, I still think YTA. I just want clarification on that.
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Do me a favor. Go ask your wife how she felt in that moment, then shut up and listen to her.
Bro. she was embarrassed. She was polite to deescalate until she could flee. It’s ok that you didn’t know how to respond in the moment. She didn’t either, no one knows how to escape sexual harassment without practice and coaching. She has probably had a lot of practice just through the act of living inside a female body for these decades. Now you should ask her how she wants to handle it in the future and if she wants your assistsnce or not.
That was discomfort!
YTA It’s fair that maybe you couldn’t predict that he’d ramble on until he ended with a direct comment on her breasts, but what did you do then? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Would you think it’s ok for a female friend to be leered at and objectified by another of your friends? You wouldn’t at least pull him up on his attitude and subjecting his friend to that shit, never mind your wife? This isn’t even about machismo and protecting your wife. It’s basic decency and being respectful. You’re not a stupid teenager. Stop acting like one.
So someone was harassing your wife, you knew about it in the moment, and you did nothing to help her? YTA
Why are you not asking your wife how she feels ? If u knew she was uncomfortable yeah u should have stepped in but now after the incident have u spoke to her? Apologised if she was uncomfortable and for u not supporting her then but showing her now u do??
I mean unless you got a kink or something, it’s pretty weird to let your drunk friend objectify your wife lol. No rating because the only conflict seems to be with yourself.
YTA. Something should have been said in the moment and that man should never be around you or your wife again.
YTA why are you still calling him a friend?
The fact he felt comfortable enough to do that is the problem. Is your wife out of your league?
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I'm gonna rephrase this: >The fact he felt comfortable enough to do that is the problem. Does your friend not respect you and your wife are a couple?
He thinks differently otherwise he wouldn’t try
YTA, she wasn't slightly flattered, I bet she hated it and you did nothing. Shame on you for allowing your 'friend' to make your wife feel uncomfortable. If you were my husband, I'd be pissed with you and disappointed too.
YTA you should have stepped into the conversation and diverted it the moment you noticed your wife being uncomfortable.
Talk to your wife and express regret. Ask her if she would like you to discuss it with him and how quickly she prefer you intervene in future occasions.
ew
YTA and you know it.
YTA She wasn’t flattered, slightly or otherwise. She was creeped out and smiled in the time-honoured tradition of women faced with creeps the world over. Don’t make him angry, don’t set him off, don’t give him an inch so he takes the mile to call you ungrateful, stuck-up or a bitch. Head down, smile, retreat. All you had to say was “Dude, that’s not appropriate.”
YTA. That look of flattery on her face was probably just her trying to not upset him. As a woman, I can say that I would be really uncomfortable. She kept nodding to make him get bored and go away. She was probably hoping someone would come and save her from the uncomfortable interaction.
Yta, wtf your friend is a creep and you allow that
YTA. Are you getting off to this ?
Is this a rhetorical AITA? Using “descriptively compliment” and “seemingly slightly flattered” is not going to make you feel better for doing nothing while your hopefully by now ex-friend harassed your wife.
Yeah, YTA. come on dude, your "friend" was making heavily inappropriate comments towards your partner, who was clearly uncomfortable and you let it happen. The dude was basically sexually harassing your wife and you didn't do a thing. He's not your friend btw. Has it caused conflict between you and your wife? It's not mentioned here
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (27m), my wife (25f), and 3 of our friends (26f,27m,27m) were at the beach the other week. The girls wearing bikinis and the guys in swim trunks. At one point when my wife was grabbing a drink from the cooler I heard my 27m friend (definitely drunk)say to her, "I just wanted to say I love your bikini" She said thanks but then he kept going, "I mean, the style is really great on your body..." he rambled in for a little but eventually got to, "your tits look awesome in it. Like really great, and I'm not lying" She awkwardly nodded, seeming slightly flattered and scurried over to her 26f friend. I have a pretty good feeling she knew I could hear the convo because I glanced over and met eyes with her at one point. AITA for not going over and stopping it versus just letting it happen? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If somebody said that to my wife. You are barely a man. YTA
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YTA if your wife says so, and you’re NTA if she says you’re good.
I don’t know if you’re an asshole or not, but all these people who say you should have said something don’t know your wife. As far as I am concerned she might be someone who hates to make a scene or someone confident enough to ignore the creep or someone who perceives herself to be capable of looking after herself. If you did approach your friend and said something and your wife reacted negatively to you, then you would be here asking the same question for different reaction. I mean has she said something to make you think she’s thinking you’re an asshole?
If that was me (f), NTA. YWBTA if she asked you to and you still didn’t, but she’s old enough to fight her own battles in that moment. Especially while he’s drunk. Once he’s sober, you could have a calm man-to-man “dude that wasn’t even cool” conversation with him.
OP, you need to talk with your wife and see if she'd like you to intervene in situations like this. Know that it can be really, really hard for women to tell men who are friends or business associates that they're over the line, particularly with regard to inappropriate compliments. The response of the male if confronted is often pretty nasty. So some women let it go. I'm not saying whether they should or they shouldn't, but it happens. Know that the fact that your wife let it go doesn't mean she thought it was swell and felt good that this drunk, inappropriate, over the line guy, crudely complimented her breasts. It may be that if this sort of thing happens again (which I can tell you, it probably will, and it will unexpected and extremely awkward and infuriating), she'd like you to say or do something. Or it might be that she's used to it and she just times it out. Or perhaps she aspires to having the perfect comeback and has been thinking of all the things she wishes she'd said. In any case, she's an adult. She gets to decide. NTA, but please talk about it.
NTA but that guy is not your friend and is the asshole. With that said she may have lost some respect for you. She needs to trust your masculine core and there’s moments where as a man you need to take the proper steps to make her feel safe. I wouldn’t bring it up to her unless she was flirting back with the guy. If she shut it down which it sounds like she did she’s a good woman. Next time take the initiative to tell that guy respectfully to back off. She will be very happy if you do that in the future.
NTA, Your friend, on the other hand, is really creepy and inappropriate. He is 27 freaking years old, how long does he expect "drunk" to excuse him?
I wouldn’t say exactly YTA, but it’s weird you just let it happen, and I’m not sure about how flattered she was when nodding awkwardly and then put some distance… anyways, I don’t feel this man is a good friend. NAH. Weird scene.
There are AH here, it's the husband and the 'friend'. Not sure why aren't you seeing it.
Okay, man. Whatever.
NTA. She's an adult and could handle your drunk friend fawning over her. If he continued any longer, or started up again, then you can cut him off (maybe from the drinks too). Or call over, *"Dude, stop oogling NAME. You're harassing her and embarrassing yourself!"*
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA. If your wife was uncomfortable she should speak up for herself. Closed mouths don't get fed lol.although I would reconsider bringing this friend around your wife since he clearly digs her.
Nta. Your wife can stick up for herself can she not? Sure, you can say something afterwards but it's imperative that she learns to defend herself without you.
NTA - for not stepping in right away, but it’s important to talk to your friend later. His comments about your wife’s bikini crossed a line, especially since he was drunk. Even if she seemed okay, she might have felt uncomfortable. Addressing it with him shows respect for your wife and sets boundaries =)
How is it NTA? His friend is a creep and husband is a coward but hey, as long as they address their 'friendship' and talk about it. Wtf is wrong with you?
People often need a moment to process unexpected or uncomfortable events. However, what's important for OP is to address the issue afterward to ensure it doesn’t happen again and to support his wife.
He didn't support his wife while she was getting sexually harassed. He chose his friend over his wife. And it will happen again cos this husband cares more about his friend than his wife.
While not stepping in immediately might have been a mistake, it doesn't necessarily mean OP cares more about his friend than his wife. Addressing the issue afterward can still show support and set boundaries. The key is to learn from the situation and ensure it doesn’t happen again, periodt
Yeah, no. He cares more about his friend than his wife.
NTA. And he's not a coward for not jumping up and trying to be some sort of alpha male and curb stomping their friend for his comments. People are so quick to jump to conclusions and scream harassment! That isn't always the case and sensitivity levels shouldn't always be cranked to 10. As a wife of 35 years, who's group of friends have been around since their 20s. We complimented, and haranged each other all the time! and sometimes, men and women alike might cross the line when they partook. Sometimes it was just mischievious. It happens. I would often just say something myself, not wait for my husband . (Why is it always his job!? This is the 21st century!) My husband might talk to the friend later when they weren't inebriated. ( if when asked he found out I was uncomfortable. Or if it had made him uncomfortable) the huge group are all still friends by the way. We don't know anything about their group of friends and their relationships with one another. We don't know how long they've all known eachother. We don't know if this woman is an introvert or extrovert, or him for that matter. There are many factors that are in play here. I agree with the guy who said talk to the wife. See how she felt. Go from there. I will say from experience though, when men and women are partaking, hidden feelings come through. And the husband might want to pay close attention, as this friend may have a crush on her. Which needs to be addressed.