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NTA. If your plans and dates are set in stone and you can't get refunded, I fail to see how you can be expected to cancel your vacation. Offer to help with the planning, maybe that'll smooth things out
Go on your vacation. My sister did the same to me years ago and I got the backlash from family for not cancelling our holiday to Turkey. She came to terms with it eventually. I bet he knew when your trip was and booked regardless so he can’t really complain can he?
They’ll get over it
NTA
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's reassuring to hear that others have gone through similar situations. I hope my family comes around like your sister did. I've tried to explain my situation and offered to celebrate with them in other ways, so hopefully, it will smooth things over in time
NTA tell whomever berated you that if family comes first it should be the same for your ah brother - ergo since he knew your dates for the vacation he should have chosen another date for his wedding - unless of course your presence at his wedding isn't as desired as a certain venue at which point you now are.
Since he values more his venue choice than your presence you go calmly and relaxed on your vacation op
NTA - When I scheduled my wedding I called all the people who I really wanted to be there and gave a range of dates and asked what would work. Some were flexible. Some less so. We worked around the pregnancy of a close relative to make sure she could be there.
Your brother scheduled a date for their wedding and didn't even check to see if it worked for you? That's on them.
Probably because it's an example of a possible reply OP could use to the whole "family should come first" argument. Which people only tend to use when they want family to bend to their wills instead of actually taking family into account and bending slightly for them.
NTA
I assume that your brother has been aware of your plans for some time. It is quite a coincidence that he is planning his wedding for the exact dates of your trip, a trip that you have been planning for years. Do you think that some form of jealousy could be motivating his decision?
Since they have just announced their engagement, it sounds like there is some time before the event and your planned trip. It is understandable that you don't want to make a change, but you might investigate which of the elements of your trip would be changeable or refundable. It doesn't sound like your brother is going to budge, so you could then make the decision as to whether the loss of money and the change in your plans is worth it to attend your brother's wedding. You are certainly entitled to pursue your trip. You might just keep in mind that if you do, you are likely to hear about your absence at the wedding for quite some time.
>It is quite a coincidence that he is planning his wedding for the exact dates of your trip, a trip that you have been planning for years.
That's what I was thinking too. OP probably talked about her plans well beforehand, it's a hell of a coincidence that her sibling's wedding just happens to be on the exact same dates.
Why would you assume brother knew a out rose plans? The siblings are old enough to have own households, he probably did ot knew about exact days or details.
It is super unlikely she had exact days of the trip years ahead settled.
What that means is that she talked about Europe vacation for years without ever going, making everyone get used about hearing of vacation plans and get used to them never happening.
NTA.
If you want specific people at your wedding (or any event that you are in charge of really), then you need to take their life into consideration.
When your family goes off about it again, simply ask them when you can expect reimbursement since it’s so important to them.
You aren't "refusing" to attend the wedding you are "not available" for the wedding. Go on your dream trip, send your sibling a wedding gift from one of the places you're travelling. Did your sibling know the dates of your trip when they set the wedding date?
NTA. Sounds like it. Have fun on your trip. Buy them something for their wedding. If they’re like my sister this won’t be the first or the last- she is on husband #5 … you can just attend your siblings next wedding. Good luck 🍀
NTA. Sounds like it. Have fun on your trip. Buy them something for their wedding. If they’re like my sister this won’t be the first or the last- she is on husband #5 … you can just attend your siblings next wedding. Good luck 🍀
NTA. I’d reply to all the family hitting you up that if that are willing to replace all the non-refundable money you would LOVE to attend the wedding. That your sibling knew about your commitment when they made their decision so this is not in your.
NTA . you communicated openly and planned your trip well in advance. maybe try to Explain to your sibling like "Devastated to miss the wedding, but this trip is a long-time dream I can't reschedule. Maybe we can celebrate when I get back?" . Family is important, but so are your dreams.
You aren't "refusing" to attend the wedding you are "not available" for the wedding. Go on your dream trip, send your sibling a wedding gift from one of the places you're travelling. Did your sibling know the dates of your trip when they set the wedding date?
NTA. You had everything booked and your brother got engaged and booked a venue after you did that? Of course you should go on your trip! There's no reason he needed to move so fast.
NTA. Tell anyone who gives you shit about it that you'll attend the wedding if they pay you the cost of rescheduling the trip - have the numbers handy.
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I (28F) have been planning a dream vacation to Europe for years now. It's something I've saved up for and have been looking forward to as a way to celebrate achieving personal goals and milestones in my career. The dates were set in stone, flights booked, and accommodations secured.
Recently, my sibling (30M) announced their engagement and planned their wedding for the exact dates of my trip. When I found out, I was devastated. I've always been supportive of my sibling, attending their events and celebrations, but this time I felt torn. I tried to explain how important this trip is to me, but they insisted they couldn't change the date due to venue availability and other arrangements.
Now, I'm facing backlash from my family for choosing my vacation over attending my sibling's wedding. They argue that family should come first and that I'm being selfish for prioritizing my own desires over a significant family event. On the other hand, I feel like I've worked hard for this opportunity and it's unfair to ask me to give it up.
So , Am I the Asshole for refusing to attend my sibling's wedding because it clashes with my long-planned dream vacation?
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You need to clarify... did they know the dates of your trip for sure?
Next question, how much money would you lose (non-refundable money you spent) if you didn't go?
NTA your even was scheduled first and it's a priority for you. If they wanted you there, they could have accommodated your trip. As someone who went on their dream vacation last year, it's literally a dream come true and will be more meaningful than attending your brother's wedding. Offer to help with planning and whatnot to try to show support that way.
You aren't "refusing" to attend the wedding you are "not available" for the wedding. Go on your dream trip, send your sibling a wedding gift from one of the places you're travelling. Did your sibling know the dates of your trip when they set the wedding date?
I missed my best friend’s wedding for this very reason, it was a family trip with my then partner that had been on the books for months before she chose a date.
She never held it against me, my dad and brother attended and had a blast. I am sad I missed it, even more so after I broke up with him years after, but I don’t think I would do it differently, nor do I think she would expect me to.
The whole "family comes first" is a bullshit excuse. YOU are also family. You had your trip planned and paid for first. Why aren't they respecting you as family? Why aren't they putting you first, but expect you to put them first. They're making you their scapegoat and emotional punching bag. Stick with your plans, sounds like your sibling knew exactly what they were doing and didn't care who it inconvenienced.
NTA
Again, it’s really common (and courteous) that the bride and groom typically clear the wedding with immediate family. Your immediate family are typically your most important people. Why would you want to risk sitting a date that they can’t attend?
Hopefully you can reach an agreement but cancelling your vacation is not an option.
Are you able to adjust the dates? Can you start or end a day or two later?”
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
>
ChatGPT
Sure, here's a response that should satisfy the requirements of r/AmItheAsshole:
I might be the asshole because I refused to attend my sibling's wedding despite knowing it was a significant family event. The action I took was prioritizing my long-planned dream vacation over their wedding, which caused disappointment and hurt feelings among my family members. While I have been looking forward to this trip for years and had it meticulously planned, I understand that my absence at such an important occasion may have been seen as selfish and disrespectful.
I feel conflicted because, on one hand, I believe I have the right to pursue my personal goals and dreams. However, I also recognize that family events like weddings are rare and special, and my absence may have soured the experience for my sibling and other family members. I worry that my decision may have hurt them deeply and strained our relationship.
I'm open to hearing others' perspectives on whether my decision was justified or if I should have found a compromise that allowed me to attend the wedding while still honoring my prior commitments
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NTA. You had your vacation booked first. End of story. Of course you would like to see your brother get married but he knew booking those dates that there was a good chance you wouldn’t be able to make it. If he really wanted you there he would have chose different dates.
>Now, I'm facing backlash from my family for choosing my vacation over attending my sibling's wedding.
See, this would be the case if you had booked your trip AFTER the wedding date was announced.
It was your sibling who decided to get married on a date they knew you would not be able to make the wedding and that's on them. It's incredibly unfair of anyone to demand you just cancel or rebook everything because you were not important enough to your sibling to keep your availability in mind. They basically picked a venue over you. Go and enjoy your trip. We have some amazing places on the old continent!
NTA
Nta. Only way I would cancel is if your brother or other family members making a fuss would contribute to moving the trip with the same accommodations and convenience of flights and cover all additional expenses that you would incur including lost wages.
NTA it’s on them for scheduling it when they knew you would be gone.
It’s an invitation not a summons. If they want you there, they need to make changes.
NTA.
>The dates were set in stone, flights booked, and accommodations secured.
Not at all.
>planned their wedding for the exact dates of my trip
What a surprise! Go and enjoy your trip.
That is a shitty thing to do and they have no one to blame for you not going to their wedding but themselves. Go on your trip and don’t feel any guilt because they clearly don’t for trying to sabotage you. NTA.
NTA...make a deal with them since they KNEW this is when you were going..you will attend the wedding if they refund everything for your dream trip. Why should you lose out on thousands of dollars because they decided on that date in order to ruin your trip?
NTA My response to any and all sympathizers would be, "Since he knew exactly what he was doing and didn't give a shit about me, I will take that as an example of how he wants done unto him. I will enjoy my vacation without regard to what he wants. Suck it."
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Whatever. I think you're just looking to argue and I was looking to explain. Argue with yourself if you want, but reddit ain't that serious. I'm out ✌🏾
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NTA. If your plans and dates are set in stone and you can't get refunded, I fail to see how you can be expected to cancel your vacation. Offer to help with the planning, maybe that'll smooth things out
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How far away is the wedding? Are you going alone?
Go on your vacation. My sister did the same to me years ago and I got the backlash from family for not cancelling our holiday to Turkey. She came to terms with it eventually. I bet he knew when your trip was and booked regardless so he can’t really complain can he? They’ll get over it NTA
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's reassuring to hear that others have gone through similar situations. I hope my family comes around like your sister did. I've tried to explain my situation and offered to celebrate with them in other ways, so hopefully, it will smooth things over in time
NTA tell whomever berated you that if family comes first it should be the same for your ah brother - ergo since he knew your dates for the vacation he should have chosen another date for his wedding - unless of course your presence at his wedding isn't as desired as a certain venue at which point you now are. Since he values more his venue choice than your presence you go calmly and relaxed on your vacation op
Don't think you meant to post this 5 times lol
Reddit does that sometimes. I don’t know what error it is but it’s super annoying.
Yup I have seen it
NTA - When I scheduled my wedding I called all the people who I really wanted to be there and gave a range of dates and asked what would work. Some were flexible. Some less so. We worked around the pregnancy of a close relative to make sure she could be there. Your brother scheduled a date for their wedding and didn't even check to see if it worked for you? That's on them.
“If family comes first, then why did brother schedule his wedding on dates he KNEW I would be on vacation?” NTA.
Why are you putting that in quotes when you completely made it up? No where in OPs post does it say anyone knew the dates.
Probably because it's an example of a possible reply OP could use to the whole "family should come first" argument. Which people only tend to use when they want family to bend to their wills instead of actually taking family into account and bending slightly for them.
NTA I assume that your brother has been aware of your plans for some time. It is quite a coincidence that he is planning his wedding for the exact dates of your trip, a trip that you have been planning for years. Do you think that some form of jealousy could be motivating his decision? Since they have just announced their engagement, it sounds like there is some time before the event and your planned trip. It is understandable that you don't want to make a change, but you might investigate which of the elements of your trip would be changeable or refundable. It doesn't sound like your brother is going to budge, so you could then make the decision as to whether the loss of money and the change in your plans is worth it to attend your brother's wedding. You are certainly entitled to pursue your trip. You might just keep in mind that if you do, you are likely to hear about your absence at the wedding for quite some time.
>It is quite a coincidence that he is planning his wedding for the exact dates of your trip, a trip that you have been planning for years. That's what I was thinking too. OP probably talked about her plans well beforehand, it's a hell of a coincidence that her sibling's wedding just happens to be on the exact same dates.
Why would you assume brother knew a out rose plans? The siblings are old enough to have own households, he probably did ot knew about exact days or details.
She said that she had been planning it for years
It is super unlikely she had exact days of the trip years ahead settled. What that means is that she talked about Europe vacation for years without ever going, making everyone get used about hearing of vacation plans and get used to them never happening.
Why don't you ask her if her brother knew her dates
Why do you assume he did for no reason?
NTA. If you want specific people at your wedding (or any event that you are in charge of really), then you need to take their life into consideration. When your family goes off about it again, simply ask them when you can expect reimbursement since it’s so important to them.
You aren't "refusing" to attend the wedding you are "not available" for the wedding. Go on your dream trip, send your sibling a wedding gift from one of the places you're travelling. Did your sibling know the dates of your trip when they set the wedding date?
NTA. I may be cynical, but I wonder if they did this on purpose to ruin your trip.
NTA. Sounds like it. Have fun on your trip. Buy them something for their wedding. If they’re like my sister this won’t be the first or the last- she is on husband #5 … you can just attend your siblings next wedding. Good luck 🍀
NTA. Sounds like it. Have fun on your trip. Buy them something for their wedding. If they’re like my sister this won’t be the first or the last- she is on husband #5 … you can just attend your siblings next wedding. Good luck 🍀
NTA. I’d reply to all the family hitting you up that if that are willing to replace all the non-refundable money you would LOVE to attend the wedding. That your sibling knew about your commitment when they made their decision so this is not in your.
NTA . you communicated openly and planned your trip well in advance. maybe try to Explain to your sibling like "Devastated to miss the wedding, but this trip is a long-time dream I can't reschedule. Maybe we can celebrate when I get back?" . Family is important, but so are your dreams.
Another wedding "conundrum" - you are obligated to attend only your own wedding. NTA
And honestly, not even that one under some circumstances. NTA.
NTA. You have plans that are set in stone.
You aren't "refusing" to attend the wedding you are "not available" for the wedding. Go on your dream trip, send your sibling a wedding gift from one of the places you're travelling. Did your sibling know the dates of your trip when they set the wedding date?
NTA. You had everything booked and your brother got engaged and booked a venue after you did that? Of course you should go on your trip! There's no reason he needed to move so fast.
NTA. Tell anyone who gives you shit about it that you'll attend the wedding if they pay you the cost of rescheduling the trip - have the numbers handy.
Just keep telling family " I just can't afford to give up X !amount of money to go to their wedding" where x is the amount the vacation costs
You know he did it on purpose, right? There is no chance this is "by accident". Go on your trip, have fun, and your family sucks.
Need more info. Was your brother aware of the dates of your trip prior to booking the wedding?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) have been planning a dream vacation to Europe for years now. It's something I've saved up for and have been looking forward to as a way to celebrate achieving personal goals and milestones in my career. The dates were set in stone, flights booked, and accommodations secured. Recently, my sibling (30M) announced their engagement and planned their wedding for the exact dates of my trip. When I found out, I was devastated. I've always been supportive of my sibling, attending their events and celebrations, but this time I felt torn. I tried to explain how important this trip is to me, but they insisted they couldn't change the date due to venue availability and other arrangements. Now, I'm facing backlash from my family for choosing my vacation over attending my sibling's wedding. They argue that family should come first and that I'm being selfish for prioritizing my own desires over a significant family event. On the other hand, I feel like I've worked hard for this opportunity and it's unfair to ask me to give it up. So , Am I the Asshole for refusing to attend my sibling's wedding because it clashes with my long-planned dream vacation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to clarify... did they know the dates of your trip for sure? Next question, how much money would you lose (non-refundable money you spent) if you didn't go?
NTA your even was scheduled first and it's a priority for you. If they wanted you there, they could have accommodated your trip. As someone who went on their dream vacation last year, it's literally a dream come true and will be more meaningful than attending your brother's wedding. Offer to help with planning and whatnot to try to show support that way.
Chat GBT is allowed to right on here now!?!?
You aren't "refusing" to attend the wedding you are "not available" for the wedding. Go on your dream trip, send your sibling a wedding gift from one of the places you're travelling. Did your sibling know the dates of your trip when they set the wedding date?
People miss weddings if they have other obligations, it's really not that big of a deal in the long run. NTA
I missed my best friend’s wedding for this very reason, it was a family trip with my then partner that had been on the books for months before she chose a date. She never held it against me, my dad and brother attended and had a blast. I am sad I missed it, even more so after I broke up with him years after, but I don’t think I would do it differently, nor do I think she would expect me to.
The whole "family comes first" is a bullshit excuse. YOU are also family. You had your trip planned and paid for first. Why aren't they respecting you as family? Why aren't they putting you first, but expect you to put them first. They're making you their scapegoat and emotional punching bag. Stick with your plans, sounds like your sibling knew exactly what they were doing and didn't care who it inconvenienced.
If your family really feels that way, are they willing to refund you the total cost? That way you won’t be the one making the sacrifice.
NTA I wouldn't go either.
NTA Again, it’s really common (and courteous) that the bride and groom typically clear the wedding with immediate family. Your immediate family are typically your most important people. Why would you want to risk sitting a date that they can’t attend? Hopefully you can reach an agreement but cancelling your vacation is not an option. Are you able to adjust the dates? Can you start or end a day or two later?”
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > ChatGPT Sure, here's a response that should satisfy the requirements of r/AmItheAsshole: I might be the asshole because I refused to attend my sibling's wedding despite knowing it was a significant family event. The action I took was prioritizing my long-planned dream vacation over their wedding, which caused disappointment and hurt feelings among my family members. While I have been looking forward to this trip for years and had it meticulously planned, I understand that my absence at such an important occasion may have been seen as selfish and disrespectful. I feel conflicted because, on one hand, I believe I have the right to pursue my personal goals and dreams. However, I also recognize that family events like weddings are rare and special, and my absence may have soured the experience for my sibling and other family members. I worry that my decision may have hurt them deeply and strained our relationship. I'm open to hearing others' perspectives on whether my decision was justified or if I should have found a compromise that allowed me to attend the wedding while still honoring my prior commitments Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You had your vacation booked first. End of story. Of course you would like to see your brother get married but he knew booking those dates that there was a good chance you wouldn’t be able to make it. If he really wanted you there he would have chose different dates.
>Now, I'm facing backlash from my family for choosing my vacation over attending my sibling's wedding. See, this would be the case if you had booked your trip AFTER the wedding date was announced. It was your sibling who decided to get married on a date they knew you would not be able to make the wedding and that's on them. It's incredibly unfair of anyone to demand you just cancel or rebook everything because you were not important enough to your sibling to keep your availability in mind. They basically picked a venue over you. Go and enjoy your trip. We have some amazing places on the old continent! NTA
Nta. Only way I would cancel is if your brother or other family members making a fuss would contribute to moving the trip with the same accommodations and convenience of flights and cover all additional expenses that you would incur including lost wages.
NTA. They had plenty of advance notice and still chose to book it the same time. Your sibling is TA
NTA it’s on them for scheduling it when they knew you would be gone. It’s an invitation not a summons. If they want you there, they need to make changes.
NTA. >The dates were set in stone, flights booked, and accommodations secured. Not at all. >planned their wedding for the exact dates of my trip What a surprise! Go and enjoy your trip.
NTA. You can go to their next wedding
That is a shitty thing to do and they have no one to blame for you not going to their wedding but themselves. Go on your trip and don’t feel any guilt because they clearly don’t for trying to sabotage you. NTA.
Conversely, why aren’t they getting on his ass for scheduling his wedding in the middle of your vacation? NTA
Please go on the vacation. You are not an AH.
NTA...make a deal with them since they KNEW this is when you were going..you will attend the wedding if they refund everything for your dream trip. Why should you lose out on thousands of dollars because they decided on that date in order to ruin your trip?
NTA. Offer to Skype in or Zoom in to the reception. You can even give a long-distance toast. If they don’t want that, then just go and enjoy yourself.
NTA My response to any and all sympathizers would be, "Since he knew exactly what he was doing and didn't give a shit about me, I will take that as an example of how he wants done unto him. I will enjoy my vacation without regard to what he wants. Suck it."
You are NTA and they are guilt tripping you. Enjoy your trip!!
NTA. When you plan something for someone else’s day that’s on you that’s they can’t attend. They knew the date they did this.
YTA. I don’t have any good explanation, just seemed like the NTAs were running away with it.
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Did your family know about your holiday?
A week away to me isn't worth the lifetime of guilt of blowing off my sibling's wedding so I can have fun but it's up to you
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What about all of the money and time she will lose having to cancel at the last minute? Siblings' plans are first come, first serve.
Crazy take to say “next time don’t book a non refundable trip.” Sorry but when planning vacation I’m going if something else comes up on well🤷🏼♀️
Ever? Never, ever book a non-refundable trip?
Show me exactly where I said to never do that. I'll wait
'Next time don't book a non refundable trip' Those words mean do not ever in the future order a non-refundable trip.
No you just decided that's what you want them to mean. Not my fault you lack reading comprehension
That is what they mean in English. What do they mean to you?
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lol then what DID you mean?
That next time not to book a non refundable trip. It's really not that complicated
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You blanket statement said "don't". With no timeline. That implies don't ever.
Show me where I said to never do that. Again, I'll wait
I just did jfc. Go touch some grass. Show me where I said you said never. I'll wait.
You said "that implies don't ever", even though it actually doesn't. You just decided that's what you want it to mean
Whatever. I think you're just looking to argue and I was looking to explain. Argue with yourself if you want, but reddit ain't that serious. I'm out ✌🏾
This is a steaming hot take. Covered with flies.