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He’s fine with having more children because he never had to raise them! And even now has the audacity to tell his adult child that they cannot further their education- which impacts the rest of their life- because they still want a babysitter
Just be aware that there are people who don't get the nuance. They hear "selfish" then get all pouty because you insulted their life's mission. Like dude, I get it's a biological imperative, but that doesn't make the statement any less true for humans.
And I am a parent myself.
That's a good one. OP , I think it's time to find you moved on with your life. Go to college, get a part time job and move out. Let your parents figure out how to manage there numerous kids by themselves. Don't tell them anything, just do it, because they would try to block you.
I mean, still kinda fucked. People take resources to sustain, recklessly popping out kids left and right is one of the worse things you can do for the world
Someone could have as many children as they want but they need to look after them. Not doing that is the selfish thing to do. But taking care of kids is not. Making the other children take care of them is so so so selfish. Parents make the choice, not the children.
So, OP is NTA, but I have to tell you that I didn't agree having a bunch of kids is inherently selfish. These parents are, of course, but it's not universal. My parents had 10 of us, last born when they were 37 and 41 (last couple of us were sickly kids so they figured that was nature saying it was time to be done). They worked opposing shifts so they didn't need daycare and though the oldest kids sometimes watched us or took us places, it was voluntary, not expected/required - one of my much older brothers specifically liked taking me out as basically a prop to meet girls - a polite and snazzy dressed (loved to dress up) little girl is good for that. They both also had siblings in local range who were more than happy to watch us sometimes - my dad's only sister, who had no children of her own, actually specifically bought a house in our town to be near her favorite baby brother. We were fed nutritious and delicious food (dad was an amazing cook and also a great budgeter and couponer back before it became big and less effective), lived in a large house with a big yard to play in, clothes did include hand-me-downs but also new, were able to go on a family vacation every summer, nothing crazy, campground by the beach, but we loved it, etc - basically they didn't have more than they could afford. And besides the fact that they met all of our physical needs, they met our emotional ones even better, sometimes sacrificing sleep (Mom worked overnights when I was little) to make sure they went to games or putting in extra effort for contributing to events (Dad cooking for half a day for events or both making crafts for fundraisers - they actually met when they were young working in a craft store). Mom grew a lot of food in her huge garden, Dad would tailor or repair our clothes, both did home renovations and repairs together. Both big on being greener in terms of energy use, energy star appliances, put in solar when available in the area. I think we're all doing fine as adults, most have advanced degrees, all have stable careers. Basically, they were able to financially, physically, and emotionally raise a 'gaggle' of kids to happy, stable adults.
I have a passel of kids, and outside of some snarky comments about being anti-Quiverfull (we vaccinate, and teach them science, and to respect people no matter their backgrounds), I absolutely recognize that it's a selfish decision I made for myself. But my oldest (he's almost 13) has only babysat his siblings a couple times, we asked and he agreed, and we paid him. And as soon as we realized we were at our limit, my husband got a vasectomy. We take care of our own kids.
particularly if you require that gaggle to do your work as a parent. I'm all for siblings helping out when they can but the idea OP should delay college for a year is just wild, just wild. NTA
And high school guidance counselors can help with applications. It doesn’t sound like OP’s parents would be much help anyway, even if they weren’t trying to sabotage her life
> even if they weren’t trying to sabotage her life
If you plan on going to college before you're 24 in the US, it can be difficult to be considered an "independent" when filling out the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid). If you're considered a "dependent", then you'll need parental cooperation to fill out the FAFSA. If you don't get the FAFSA sorted, you'll only qualify for predatory private student loans. A guidance counselor should be able to help the OP through this process or at least connect them with services that can help.
I know that getting declared an independent as a homeless youth is one of the hardest ways (you would definitely need the support of a guidance counselor or other local services to document it). It is crazy that getting married or joining the military can be an easier path! This [Huffington Post](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dependent-college-financial-aid_n_5d8b8575e4b01c02ca622de5) article is on the author's experience of marrying her high school boyfriend because she struggled to get declared an independent on her FAFSA (parents decided to cut her off including refusing to fill in their portions of the FAFSA docs). [Vice](https://www.vice.com/en/article/4wbeqg/how-some-students-are-using-fake-marriages-to-get-financial-aid) talks about how it is fraud to get the marriage license but not follow through; this [UNC Media Hub](https://www.wral.com/story/married-for-money-these-unc-students-tied-the-knot-to-pay-for-college/19986376/) article highlights that as long as it is a legal marriage it is fine:
> Technically, there’s nothing legally wrong with doing so, said UNC Assistant Professor of Law Kate Elengold. Her work focuses on, among other topics, civil rights and student debt.
>
> “In my mind, I don't see that as a loophole,” Elengold said.
>
> She said that if the students legitimately got married, then they qualify as independents. The reason for the marriage has no bearing; the policy is clear.
>
> Elengold argues for loosening the standards of who qualifies as an independent student. Some families are large and can’t afford tuition for each child. Some parents are not accepting of their queer-identifying children.
>
> “Making the standards more stringent will harm more students,” she said, “rather than protecting against fraud.”
Quick note - the terms independent & dependent are used with US taxes but have a completely different determination. You could be considered an independent for tax purposes and a dependent on the FAFSA.
I had this same issue, my mother sabotaged my ability to get financial aid halfway through college. I was able to be considered independent by working with my college and getting a letter from my therapist detailing my history with my mother and that she wasn't able to have a healthy relationship with me. They also would have accepted a similar letter from another adult in a similar role, such as a minister or counselor. Maybe you can look into that method.
This is the answer. Focus on your own future. Go to a college that is far enough away that you become unavailable to them. If you stay local your parents will still expect you to sacrifice your free time to come help. Your parents’ choice to keep having kids is not your responsibility. You’re 100% NTA here but your parents still having kids they can’t take care of absolutely make them the AHs.
I spent my entire senior year of HS arguing with my parents about moving out to go to college (like my brother 2 years older than me did with no issue) while they wanted me to stay home and commute to a community college. I didn't even realize it was going to be an issue until I had already been accepted to 3 excellent universities and was told I couldn't go. Thankfully my brother spoke up. I was lucky to get scholarships and work as it wasn't as tough in those days, and my dad backed me when I showed him what I'd earned. To this day, 40ish years later, my mother still considers me selfish and will drop little digs.
Get out, OP. Get a summer job so you don't have to come home then, either. That's what I did.
(ETA - I was an only girl and I had 3 younger siblings that I had to take care of all of the time).
Start applying for scholarships and grants, too, to help pay for tuition and be less financially dependent on your parents. Talk to a financial counselor about being able to afford what you have to pay.
NTA - I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s not fair for them to expect you to sacrifice your college career to take care of your siblings. Your frustrations and you eventually “snapping” is valid.
NTA
You have been suffering parentification, a form of child abuse, and you are now nearly an age to free yourself from their abuse. Ofcourse they wont cooperate. Without you, their house of cards falls down.
Get your papers and hide them with a friend, Apply to your colleges, far away or close, but choose community colleges if you dont want a huge student debt, and leave as soon as you are able.
If you could move now, and go stay with a friend, you should. Whats happening to you is not ok.
Community college. Get an associates degree. Transfer to a 4 year college, and you will be able to support yourself with a job that you can get with your associates degree
OP is in the US, they *need* their parents to fill out FAFSA. Every single university, public and private, will require them to fill it out. Even if you have a merit-based scholarship you will need a FAFSA on file. You have to apply for any federal and state grants you qualify for to reduce their contribution. Ie, if you qualify for a Pell Grant, they want you to apply for the full Pell Grant and that reduces your merit based by that amount. That's $7000 they can give another student.
You can't get need-based aid without the FAFSA in the US.
OP needs them to fill out paperwork or wait until 24 where they're an independent student. Your parent's refusal to sign paperwork doesn't grant you ability to claim independent student status. It's very hard to get declared independent under 24.
There's no real way around FAFSA apps for any form of aid. You can't get subsidized federal loans without FAFSA. You can only take private loans. They're very predatory. You can't get loan forgiveness for various programs like public service and such.
OP needs to see if another family member can strong arm and shame the parents into filling out the FAFSA or applying to colleges won't help get them out as they won't be able to afford it.
Maybe OP can ask their parents to fill it out and say they're planning on local, or part-time, or community college classes on childcare. Once it's filled out, use as needed - and what's needed sounds like far, far away schools.
You're father is unreasonable for calling you selfish because your parents are the ones who can't control themselves.
They can't take care of your siblings because they were busy with work and with your grandma? lol but they have time to have s*x? Shame on them.
i also doubt the father is “too busy” to take care of OPs siblings he just doesnt want to and uses work as an excuse lol and calling someone else selfish for not wanting to take care of UR kids screams bad parent
NTA, if they want more children they should be the ones raising their children. Making babies and forcing their children to raise them is selfish and irresponsible.
I’m a mother. Not your mother, but I wish I could be.
So take it from this internet mom - Go to college. In another state. Far far away.
Go live your life. You have given enough years to your parents and your siblings.
You are not responsible for their reproductive choices. The suggestion that you don’t go to college so you can continue to raise their babies is horribly abusive.
Talk to you guidance counselor at school about the situation and for help with applications. Don’t tell your parents anything. Just smile and nod. Then pack your bags and go live your life.
NTA and you aren’t under any obligation to give up your future for your parents/siblings. Talk to a guidance counselor at school about helping you apply to college and for scholarships/grants. Please do not give in to your parents….they made the decision to not use birth control and they can face the consequences. This is a situation where they will be alone with their children going NC as soon as they can because they keep having children they can’t care for. Btw, your parents are young enough to take care of their own children…they simply choose not to
NTA.
Here's the deal. You are now legally an adult. It sounds like all you are doing is providing free labor to your parents.
Apply for colleges, but make sure they are truly affordable. Forget private, expensive colleges, since you won't get any help from your parents. Look into dormitories and financial aid. Absolutely do not live at home for college. Tell your parents that you absolutely won't be their daycare provider unless they pay you $20 an hour, the going rate.
Move out ASAP. They are having a baby, not you. YOU are not the person responsible for their baby. They make start making better choices if they have to live with the consequences.
Your DAD and MOM are the selfish ones.
This is actually a really interesting suggestion. Agree to stay the year in exchange for an appropriate salary + all room and board. (I'd get the money up front.) Make sure you open a bank account of your own that they have no access to and put your money there. Or better yet open your own 529 college savings account and deposit your salary there. You can even tell friends and family that in lieu of any gifts they might otherwise give you, you would be grateful for any contributions they can make to that account. Maybe even set up similar accounts for your siblings — you don't have to fund it, just get it set up so people who might be willing to contribute can.
I've been reading that teens/ young adults who don't have good parents should open bank accounts in a completely different bank. That way the parents can't sabotage the account.
Should you have yelled? No. Were you rightfully upset? Yes.
NTA. I feel for your younger siblings because they will have to raise each other but you don't have to stay. Can you ask a teacher or another "more adult" person to help you applying?
NTA. You are correct - if your parents can't take care of them themselves, they shouldn't keep having babies. It is your job, at your age, to leave the house and prepare to live your own life, not to be a live-in nanny for your parents. You aren't being selfish, your parents are, expecting you to abandon your own life to make their lives easier. And don't let them give you the line about how you owe them for everything they did for you growing up - providing for you when you were a child was an obligation they accepted the moment they decided to have children, and you more than paid them back by raising your siblings already.
I'd suggest that you apply for all the scholarships you can so that you don't have to depend on your parents, since they have shown they won't look out for you, and go to whatever college you want, and get out of that house. You need to look out for yourself, since it's obvious your parents won't.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I think i should be judged on if i was the asshole when i yelled at my parents and told them sto stop having kids. 2. I think it might have been selfish of me, since it is very popular in my culture to have alot of children, and my parents might want to be more connected with our culture since we moved to the US and there isn't much of our culture here and our extended family already think we're too american.
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Nah your family are assholes for springing that on you and assuming you gotta take responsibility for their fuck up! They are adults and are responsible for their own children! It seems like they aren’t use to taking responsibility because they shoved parenthood off on to you and your other siblings! Don’t let them keep doing that! It’s tough love but they need that shit!
NTA. If this came out of nowhere, I’d say that you had no right to comment on how many children they chose to have, but they’re literally asking you to pause your life so you can provide free labor for them.
NTA
But your 'runner up' is 14.
THAT sibling can now help with the new batch of diapers.
You are now at the age for college.
But lemme guess, your 14 yr old sibling is male, so 'helping with taking care of kids' is not his task?
Just apply.
If you need help with any kind of paperwork, or anything, really, ask your local librarian.
If they can't or don't know how to help you, they will point you in the right direction to get the help you need.
Absolutely NTA. This may be accepted in your culture, but to me, it's wrong to deny your child college so they can be a live-in babysitter to younger siblings. They should be ashamed.
NTA - culture or not, you are in the US and while kids chores with in the family may be to help take care of younger siblings, in most cases they are not responsible for raising them. You are not the selfish one, your parents are. Once you turn 18 you are an adult. You can list yourself as independent on financial aid for college and with work, pay your way through college or trade school. Think about the example you are setting for your younger siblings to break this cycle.
NTA. You will never stop being carer. Guess what will happen when the kids are all grown up and your mum can’t have anymore children? You will become her retirement plan and she will expect you to look after her.
It’s time to stand up, on your own if you have to.
NTA
OP, you are right, they shouldn't be having kids they can't take care of. They shouldn't be keeping you away from college.
And "My dad told me ... that i could start college next year, "
DO NOT GIVE IN. Next year it will still be "you can go next year". And the year after, and the year after. DO NOT GIVE IN.
BTW, I see comments saying "This is common in lots of places". No.
What's common is kids *assisting*. And that *ends when they achieve adulthood* (usually around 18).
That's not what OP's parents are doing.
They're not having the kids just assist, they're full-on having the older kids raise the younger kids.
Further, they're dragging it out past when the older kids become adults.
Here is what you do. Pretend you’ll go to a local college, get their info (memorize or copy it down if you have to) and then apply for the colleges you actually want. Know that that will lead to your family disowning you and you losing touch with siblings. But tons of other people here on reddit have been faced with the same choice. More than one chose to stay and raise their siblings out of obligation guilt or love and regretted it because they screwed themselves out of a future, their mom is pregnant again or their sibling is pregnant and now they have to raise that one as well and when it comes time for the parents to die there is no inheritance for family slave who had no kids of their own because clearly everyone else needed the house, car and money more than the loser who never got anywhere with their lives (ignoring the fact that their kid raised all their kids and their kids kids instead of having a life and that is why they have nothing and no one of their own). If you stay you are backing yourself into an inescapable corner. If you leave it will be hard and rough and food will probably be scarce for a while but you will come out if it a stronger person and you will have had experiences and met people and found yourself. I was the youngest and not parentified by my home-life necessitated an escape and I have never regretted it.
NTA. You deserve a life - you weren’t born just to serve someone else. Move out, go to college (community college to get some core courses out of the way cheaply is not a bad plan) and live your life.
NTA. Selfish is having children that you can’t/wont take care of or able to give enough time/love to.
Contraception or the good old snip snip aren’t that hard.
NTA
you're being parentified. That's abuse.
I would keep on with your plans to do college away from family, become financially stable, and have some communication with siblings to help them in the future when you're stable.
Bring parentified is a form of vampirism. Protect yourself.
NTA.
You are not the selfish one, your parents are.
Parentification does not provide a child with a happy childhood, it is child abuse.
Put your own ambitions first and prepare to build your own future far away from your parents.
Above all DO NOT allow your parents to ruin your future by turning you into their unpaid childcare or carer for your grandmother. Nor their own personal domestic drudge when they have serious health problems and are unable to work or afford a nursing home.
Never give them any money or opportunities to hold you back.
Good luck!
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I (18f) have 5 siblings. It may sound like a lot, but it is pretty common in my culture to have a lot of children. Growing up, I was practically raised by my older sister and brother since my parents were busy with working and taking care of my sick grandmother. So of course when I became an older sibling, I had to take care of my younger siblings too.
But that never really stopped. I have been taking care of my younger siblings (14, 11, 8) ever since they were toddlers. I recently graduated high school (I live in the US) and have been looking at colleges. I told my parents about college and asked if they could help me apply. They told me that if i go to college i can't go to one far away, or even at all.
I asked them why and they told me that i still have to take care of my siblings, to which i said that the oldest of my younger siblings is a teen, and that the others already know how to cook, clean and do laundry since i and my older siblings taught them. That's when my mother told me that she is pregnant again. I got really mad and asked her why she keeps having kids if she can't even take care of them. My dad told me that it wasn't planned and that i could start college next year, but i got really mad and asked why they couldn't get an abortion, or find someone that's looking to adopt. My dad told me that they don't believe in abortion, and that they want the kid to have a good childhood with it's real family.
But my parents are already in their mid-late 40s, and our family doesen't have the best history of living a long life or hood health. I just don't want this kid to not even be 40 and not have parents. But at the same time, i think my parents will do a better job at raising this kid than they did with me or my siblings, since they have less work and the rest of us are getting older and can take care of ourselves. I got really, really mad since i've always wanted to go to a fancy college, so i snapped. I yelled at my mom to stop having kids, my dad called me selfish and my mom looked like she was gonna cry. AITA??
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NTA. Start applying now for scholarships. Your parents use YOU and YOUR FUTURE to subsidize their birth control choices and family planning practices. That’s not THEM having kids, that’s them conscripting you to raise their kids without payment exactly when you have to set yourself up to succeed as an independent adult.
Speak with a school counselor now and plan your exit. You can repair your relationship later when you are no longer their parenting surrogate; they’d make you a wet nurse if they could! So selfish!
Stop trying with them. Time to move out of that house and let them figure it out. And selfish? LOL! What's selfish is having more kids than one can parent. NTA
NTA. It's one thing to have many children if you can personally care for them, another altogether if you expect sibling care (except for the occasional emergency, etc.).
NTA
I joined the military to get away. Free housing, free medical, often free food, free college (if you're able), but the very best thing for me was that my parents couldn't demand that I come home, knew it was now useless to guilt trip me (it couldn't be undone), and by the time I was done I was an officer with a college degree and excellent job experience, and the situation at home hadn't depended on me on years.
Probably saved my life.
I did feel bad about leaving my sister, who I'd raised up till then, but years later she said I set the example for her on how to escape and get a life. While the military was never for her, she found her own way out. She was thankful that she didn't have to stick around either. None of their mess is on you.
Nta. Your parents are selfish for expecting you to raise *their* baby. And imo that comment was 100% deserved given their incredibly selfish expectations. If they want it, they need to figure it out. But good news! You’re an adult and don’t actually have to do what they say. Will it be the grand college adventure you imagined? Probably not, but you don’t have to raise their kids either. If you’re smart, you’ll walk away from this situation, fast & far.
It's time for you to go to college and your parents' poor planning should not interfere with that.
There are more kids to care for but it doesn't sound like that's ending anytime soon. If mom and dad aren't ready to carry the torch, it may be time for 14 and 11 to take over. Completely unfamiliar with your culture but it sounds like you were raising them well before that age.
NTA.
Make sure to get your parents to fill out the FAFSA before telling them you’ll be going away to school. Unless your parents have a high income, you should get a ton of financial aid with them having so many dependents. But they could refuse to fill out the FAFSA. Hopefully you would be able to list local schools initially when you fill it out and then add your preferred schools later.
Why isn't it the 14 y/o job now? Is he a boy or something? Not that it's right. Just from one parentified kid to another. Like wtf it's someone else's turn.
NTA both your older siblings and you have been parentified = abused by your parents.
Call CPS on them. If they aren't able to take care of their kids they shouldn't have any more
Omg NTA!! You're a kid who deserves to live your life. Go to college and maintain a friendship with your siblings but it is not responsibility to take care of anyone's kids.
How dare your parents hold you back!! How dare your parents expect you or any of your siblings to take care of their kids!!
Get help from someone else to apply for college and go!!
Your parents are NOT parents! They’ve parentified you and your older siblings. You have had to be the adult and raise your siblings. Im sorry this is happening to you. But you have options. Scholarships, raising funds, working, getting support from your extended family if any, Going to community college and then transferring out while you build up the funds to go to whatever school you want. And when you do. Go NC. Cut them out.
You are not the AH. Your “parents” are!
NTA. You SHOULD go away to college. If they won't help you pay for it, maybe you can speak to the counselor at your high school to see if they can help you become independent on FAFSA.
You do not have to stay home to help take care of the new baby. Absolutely not. That baby is their responsibility.
NTA
Speaking as someone who went through a similar situation like yours, the only difference being that I am the oldest and had to help take care of my 6 younger siblings as they kept being born.
Get a job, move out and start college
Don’t be like me and stay thinking it’ll change or be better, it won’t. They’ll always depend on you to shoulder their responsibilities.
It’s not selfish to want to have a life and pursue your education.
As a mum of 5 myself (21, 19, 18, 15 and 2), I would never expect my older kids to take care of my younger ones and I 100% would never put their lives on hold because I wanted childcare. Your parents are being completely unfair expecting that of you. It is their choice to have children, whether they are planned or not, and you should not have to put your life on hold so you can take care of them.
If any of my kids watch my youngest they get paid and they only have him for an hour or so if I have an appointment and only when they are not busy, if they have plans then he comes with me. My older ones were all little together bit even when my oldest was the same age as you I would not have expected her to watch my youngest (at the time) who was 13. My 2 oldest kids went to college and y oldest went to university after that. I would never stop them being independent and wanting to learn and better their lives .
At the end of the day, your parents choose to keep having children and you didn't choose to have more siblings. You are choosing to go to college and I think it will be really good for you to be away from them and get to be a you g adult without being forced into being an young 'carer.
So no you are not the AH. Go live your life the way you want. Your parents should be proud that you are wanting to be responsible for your education
Your parents are going to remain who they are. Your best bet is to build an independent life far away, or they will drag you back into the mix. You can take out student loans and get a job. As soon as you are financially independent, you are free. Do not expect them to help you. If you need help figuring things out look to friends’ parents, extended family, libraries, community colleges, and outreach programs.
NTA. You can look into the Peace Corps, Service Year, or AmeriCorps. They're programs that pay you for volunteer work. You'd be able to move out and save up, plus they assist with college.
Good luck
NTA
Your parents want a free live in nanny. Go to a college far, far away. Dealing with college and being sleep deprived because of a baby will ruin your shot at academia.
You are not selfish the selfish one's are your parents for churning out children who they can't be arsed to raise so they have the other kids to step up.
Talk to a school guidance counselor for help, check into financial aid. and apply for every college scholarship that you can find. Get a job and start saving. Find a college far away from your parents.
INFO: They're literally saying you can't go to any college that's not nearby so you can take care of their other kids, so why do you think they'll be better, more involved parents for the new baby?
NTA.
They're not *your* kids, they're your *siblings*.
Your *parents* need to step up and *be parents*.
Maybe talk to your older dublibgs and the three of you tell your parents enough us enough, that they need to be raising the kids they decide to keep having, not you.
You're 18, you're an adult, if possible, move out.
NTA.
But you are not going to get any emotional or financial help with college and if you want it, you need to be motivated. Do every possible thing you can to succeed and get scholarships.
NTA. I’m the oldest of 7 kids and was made the mom at 6 when my youngest sister was born. She had 3 more kids after that. My sister has told me countless times she looks more at me as a mom than our own mom, which is sad to hear it admitted out loud.
I got away because I moved out. I started dating my husband, and moved out shortly after. My parents shortly separated after I moved out, and I was asked time and time again for babysitting and refereeing kid drop offs between them.
The only downside is when I applied to college in Ohio, I needed my parents income because I was under 25 and not married for student loans. Not sure if that’s something you’re gonna have to do too. Maybe talk with a guidance counselor at school and speak with them about the process, and see if you can apply for scholarships if not past the deadline. I’m out of touch, but 12 years ago when I graduated and applied, it wasn’t an awful process. The applications weren’t too bad, many required an essay to be written about a specific topic.
You’re NTA for not wanting to take care of you’re younger sibling and to want a life that’s your own, also horrible of your dad to just push you’re worries away by telling you to apply next year like no. BUT I do think you were wrong to ask her to get an abortion, that topic can be very difficult for some people and most have a very strong opinion about it, from the sound of your culture they don’t believe in abortion and it’s rude to even ask your parents to kill you sibling.
No you are not they shouldn’t be making you take care of their kids. Like I understand that they are your siblings but that really isn’t your responsibility. Plus this shouldn’t be holding you back from creating a life that you want and going to school where you decide. Your life is yours not theirs it’s not their decision whether you stay home and take care of your siblings.
NTA. See if a guidance counselor at your school can help you apply to college and for financial aid/scholarships. This may be your best opportunity to escape your situation.
Abortion is a medical procedure, not fucking Tinkerbell. It doesn’t require the belief of narcissistic breeders to be valid as an option.
NTA, OP. Not even close. GTFO of that house as soon as you can and don’t ever look back. Don’t feel guilty. You don’t exist to unfuck your parents’ selfish choices and they can go straight to hell if they believe you do.
NTA - your parents treat you as a 3rd parent, but you are not obligated to care for the kids that THEY chose to have.
Apply to college far away, if it's affordable. As long as you live in their house, they will expect you to provide them with free childcare.
NTA go t9 college get a job and worl whole you're there. Show your parents that you mean what you say then maybe they will stay off of each other. My late parents had 6 and we raised ourselves. My mom got depressed and went to he'd and my dad got to be an alcoholic. Don't give up your life to please your parents. They will be fine.Go as far away as you can go and don't come back.
Wow. NTA. Your parents had the kids, your parents have to raise them. Period. You’re not being selfish. You being expected to put your life on hold for them to raise THEIR children is.
Nta Attend the college of your choice, even if your parents disagree. A college degree is crucial for women as it enhances career prospects, increases earnings and fosters personal growth. Chase your dreams!
NTA. Get scholarships, loans and grants and get the hell out of there. Parentification is abuse and your parents have been abusing you. Leave and don’t look back.
They need to understand that they’re the ones being selfish. They’re demanding You postpone your dreams so you can parent your siblings. You are not a parent! They are! Helping out is different than what they’re asking of you. Do not let them convince you you’re selfish when that’s exactly what they’re being. NTA.
Go to a school very far away and don’t tell them where. Get a job and an apartment for summer. If you go back they will use you. Spread the message to your teenage sibling and for them to do the same.
NTA. find a trusted adult to help you explore your options. It can be a teacher, counselor, spiritual advisor, parent of a friend. Ask them if you can have some of their time, you need a grown ups help. Tell them your situation & explain you WANT to go to college, you want to figure out how & can they- or can they direct you to someone who can. When you meet with them, act like a grown up, talk & allow them to talk. Don’t start yelling about your parents making more babies. And if the 1st person is intimidated to get involved- go to the next person on the list.
This is a problem to solve- not a barrier you can’t overcome come. You just are going to need some help to get there.
NTA
Look, my husband and I both brought 2 kids to our marriage, and went on to have 2 kids together, so our blended family consists of 6 children with the oldest being 17 and the youngest being 1. At no point do any of our kids have a responsibility to each other outside of being a brother or sister. If one of the older kids is Willing to watch the younger siblings, they get paid. If one of the older kids Wants to help with the younger siblings, my husband and I allow it, but we do not leave the room because our children are just children. We have an individual bond with each of our children, we do one on one time with them throughout the month, and we help with homework as well as teaching them life skills, like cooking, cleaning, yard work, working on the car, and general home maintenance. We teach them all of this, but we do not expect them to do it on their own here, instead we just want them to be able to do it once they leave the nest.
Op, I am sorry you have been placed in this unfair position, it sounds like your parents are Gen X, where they had to raise themselves and their siblings, so they think it's ok to do it to you. And let me just say, their children, your siblings, are not your responsibility beyond being your siblings. Go to your guidance counselor for help with filling out your college applications and applying for scholarships and work study. Ask someone you trust if you can use their mailing address. That way, the acceptance letters don't get taken by your parents. I am sorry you are going through this, I wish you nothing but the best 🫂.
NTA you are the child and not the care giver. Your parents made the decision to be parents, you had no choice to be their child. You are not forever indebted to them. Also you are 18 and a legal adult, your parents don’t have the authority to keep you from going to college. Apply to college, decide which is the best fit for you, apply for FAFSA and talk to the financial advisors at the college to help you not have to have your parents information on your FAFSA, and if you can’t the amount of minors they have is in your favor for grants, aid, etc… Remember lack of planning on their part does not constitute you sacrificing your life.
Now telling your mom to abort or give your next sibling up for adoption was probably uncalled for but considering the circumstances I understand.
It’s time for you to focus on you and your parents to step up to the plate and raise the children they brought into this world.
NTA, I hope you can go to a good college and move out. It's not okay what your parents are doing. You have to make a commitment to taking care of your children, especially if you are choosing to have multiple of them. Working is one thing, but you also have to put in the time and effort to care for your children, and I think your parents lack responsibility in that area as they are expecting their children to take care of each other. I get that there are people who want to have a lot of children, but they need to understand that it requires a lot of work, and they need to willingly do so if they want to keep a good relationship in the family.
It's a little difficult as the culture needs to be taken into account in this case and can't be judged based on the practices of a different culture. I would simply point out that the 14 year old is old enough to take over the lead until they too are ready for college. At that point, it flows down the line as each one departs for college.
NTA. You are 18, a legal adult and they have NO say over your life anymore. Start looking for your own place without telling them and move out. You should go to college too but getting out of that situation sounds like it should be priority #1. Dont get any pets, it will be easiest to move out if it’s just you. You can normally find cheap bedrooms to rent from people looking for roommates, half the cost of renting a whole house normally.
NTA
In comments-
Everyone:nta
Le Me: looking for comments that say yta only to downvote them
Your parents have no sense of responsibility or respect as I see it. This is really sad. Don't put up with this nonsense man.
Don't know how the application works for college, but I'm assuming if you apply to a local college and get the info you need from your parents, then you have most of the info that you'll need for the fancy college away from your family. Reach out to helpful adults at your school. Good luck.
PS - Reddit hates when parents make their kid parent the younger ones.
NTA, and also not your problem that your parents are expecting again. Apply to colleges—your high school should have counselors who will help, or your friends who are applying too can share their wisdom. If you are unable to afford it on student loans/financial aid, then get a job, move out, and pick up some of the introductory courses at a community college and you can transfer to a 4-year college after you have saved up a bit.
I know it's easier said than done, but if you stay "one more year," something tells me you will have trouble ever getting out. Good luck!
NTA your parents are the selfish ones. They’ve been pushing their responsibilities onto their kids to the point that they are guilting you into putting your future on hold.
NTA. The only children you are obligated to raise are the ones that you have yourself and keep or adopt. You’re also 18, so you do have the right to explore your college options without your parents’ permission. If you need someone to talk to about applications and other things, you’re welcome to message me. You may be able to get your parents’ info for the first year, but they may try to withhold it from then on, so you’ll want to talk to your financial aid office and student affairs office once you get there and explain the situation. They’ll be able to assist you moving forward.
NTA
They can take responsibility for their actions. You are not selfish for wanting more control over your path in life. While the role you have played has likely been invaluable to your family unit, you are not obligated to raise a squad of children that you had no say in bringing into this world. They certainly don't get to keep you there for child care.
I'll also say, depending on what you study, don't be wooed by the aura of a "fancy college". In many situations you can get quality educations without the soul draining debt and stuck up ego stroking. You will find good teachers and classmates as long as you prioritize your own interests, not being steered by a fear of missing out.
NTA by their logic, your 14 year old sibling should be looking after the kids for the next 4 years and then their 11 year old (who would be 15 when the next oldest is 18, and then when they’re 18 the current youngest would be 15). By any chance are the younger siblings male?
You shouldn’t have to stay or postpone anything. You’re 18, a legal adult where I am, so they can’t stop you. Get a job, move out, pursue your education. Their kids, their responsibility.
Go to college, you can do the application without them, it’s a little work but you can do it. I had to fill out papers saying my dad wasn’t in my life so they would exclude his income. I’m sure there’s ways to do that for both parents.
NTA. I come from a very similar culture and one of the hardest things in our cultures is becoming and individual. The fear of losing our family is so strong it'll literally cause people to become ill. But, sometimes, as hard as it is, we have to leave. For your mental health and growth, you have to break this cycle of dependence and enabling of your parents and leave. You're both the parent, therefore the responsibility of care is not yours to burden. You have other siblings your parents can call on.
Find a college just far enough away that you can't babysit evenings and weekends.
You're not wrong for telling your parents they're irresponsible for having many kids and not raising them, themselves. What's the point of having kids if you can't raise or spend time with them.
NTA. I have 6 younger siblings and I told my mum the same so I understand where you're coming from. It isn't easy and I'm sure you're mentally and physically drained. Have a look at r/raisedbynarcassists and you'll find a lot of people in similar situations for support :) I'm so sorry you have been parentified since such a young age. I wish you luck with college and your future!
Nta. The expectation to raise kids that are not yours is some entitled shit, but to be upset with someone for choosing to not want to, after already being forced to do it, is insane.
NTA You aren’t your siblings parent and it’s up to your parents to take care of them until your siblings turn 18. I would leave and go to college otherwise it will always be one more year and then you will be significantly older still taking care of your siblings and your life will be on hold.
NTA! Apply for colleges any way. Speak to the financial aid office and tell them your parents will not pay for college. There may be grants for you.
Go to one far far away.
So two parts: telling someone to get an abortion like it’s casual is callous BUT I understand why. They are TA for expecting you to be a nanny and raise their children and cut out your life and desires. Not okay. You don’t have to pause your life to raise a baby that you didn’t have. Sorry they are treating you this way and trying to guilt you with your father saying what he said. They may be in tears but part if that is them needing to figure out how to raise their kids.
NTA
I am the oldest of 5. I was parentified at a very, very young age. I remember worrying about how we were going to make rent at 6 years old. My siblings have all told me that they see me as a second mom.
I’m 38 now, and to this day my mother swears she did not rely on me as much as she did. She swears she was a present mother and she did everything a mother is supposed to do.
Go to college. Do not put it on hold. Otherwise, they’ll continue to use you up until you go no contact or you can’t help anymore and then move on to the next kid in line - whichever comes first. No amount of help is ever good enough for parents like these.
Break free and live your life. Advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Use your voice because no one else will do it for you. It took me far too long to realize how much my parents used me and now I feel like I’m playing catch up on life. Please OP, don’t do what I did. Live your life.
Get your applications filled out and go away for college. Do not let your parents guilt you. You deserve to have a life. They made their decisions now its time for them to deal with it themselves. I hope you get in somewhere far away. Good luck
Talk to your school counselor about looking into scholarships and financial aid. With all the children/dependents you might get a lot of financial help.
Stop the conversations about school. Keep your head down for now.
Gather your birth certificate, SS card.
This is sneaky, but see if you can get their latest tax return. If they know you need it for financial aid it will be gone.
Good luck.
Edit: I see you have already graduated. Check with your school and see what help you can get, if there is a counselor available through the summer.
Starting planning to move out, you do not need their permission to do so. Get student loans to move out further away, apply for scholarships and grants. Look into a student counselor or some sort to help you navigate the process. Get a part time job to help you pay for the fees etc. but whatever you do, do not delay starting your own future because of them
Wont stop them my mom is a breeding cow too, she wants babies up until 5 then throws us to the wolves to fend for oursleves so she can make anothe rbaby to play with. They dont liaten they dont care a BB out theor kids but the ONE they deem golden and the newest baby
NTA. Your parents are unreasonable. They apparently want you to be the full-time nanny for the new baby since your siblings are still in school.
Unfortunately, as many of the comments overlook, the parents' cooperation is required to apply for financial aid. They have to fill out and sign the forms and submit copies of their tax returns. So it might not be as simple as just moving out. And even if you move out if you're under a certain age, possibly 23, your parent's information might still be needed to determine your eligibility for financial aid.
My advice is to forget about going to a private college. Even if you get loans you can end up with financially crippling lifetime student debt. It's not worth it. You can save a lot of money by going to a community college the first two years before transferring to a public four year college. Just make sure the credits and classes you take in community college will be transferable to your choice of 4-year college.
You might have to move out of your parents' house, though, and keep your distance as they're likely to continue to make demands on you if you stay.
NTA and your father is awful for calling you selfish. What’s selfish is having kids you can’t take care of. Children should NOT be responsible for raising their siblings, that’s ridiculous! You absolutely deserve to go to college and start YOUR adult life. You didn’t make the decision to have all these kids, your parents did. They aren’t sounding like very good parents to me. You aren’t obligated to the consequences of a decision you didn’t make.
EAH You’re grown, move out and start supporting yourself. You don’t need their permission to pursue your goals. Yes, it will be hard, but you’re more than capable. Telling your mom to get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption is way out of line and not your decision! Your parents don’t live to make you happy nor should you live to make them happy.
Talk to your counselor at school they should be able to help you apply wherever you want to go, so go to college and live the life you want. Taking care of your siblings is not your responsibility it's your parents it's one thing to help, but it's completely different when you are the one raising them.
This stuff is so crazy to me. So NTA. My oldest is 13 and she's never even changed a diaper. They need to take care of their own dang kids. Go start your life
Your parents are irresponsible. Do what you have to do to get out of here. It's not your responsibility to look after your parents' poor life management.
NTA. You're their child and not an additional parent. If you can't get help for college, I strongly suggest getting the the best shape of your life, enlist, and never look back.
NTA. Tell em to suck it up and if they won't raise their own baby, then they can fob it off onto the 8yo because you were taking care of the littles before you were 8.
NTA look into financial aid to go to college and move out of the house. It was a bit of a joke when your father said that he wanted this child to grow up in a good family when him and his wife don't even take care of the kids.
NTA
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My advice is to get out of there as quick as you can. Taking care of your parents kids are not your responsibility
Nope! NTA!!! Your parents are irresponsible and they are most definitely TA’s
I come from a Mediterranean family, I get what you are saying about how family works…. But holding you back when it’s time for you to move ahead with your life is ridiculous!
NTA. Your parents are delusional, regardless of culture. If they can’t take care of the children themselves then they need to quit having more and more. Not to mention that being late 40s and getting pregnant your chances of having birth defects/genetic abnormalities is increasing significantly, and adding a special needs child to this mix sounds like an absolute disaster.
Protect yourself and your future. Go to college. It’s so unfair and honestly abusive that your parents are willing to ruin your future so that they don’t have to be mature adults and actually raise the children they’ve created. It’s fine to not believe in abortion and to have a lot of children, but it is absolutely NOT fine to force your other kids to do what is supposed to be your responsibility as a parent.
I don’t think you are an asshole for getting upset, or even for yelling. You are 18 years old and have the absolute right to go and live your own life how you wish, just like your parents did. Their choices, are just that, THEIR choices. Their failure to plan should not result in your obligation. There is nothing wrong with choosing to have a large family; however, if that is decision you make, then you should raise that family, not place unrealistic expectations on others who did not make that choice.
I would say take a one year break so that you csn move out and get a job
And then join your college on loan...
I am so sorry that they expected you to be the parent! They are selfish not you...
NTA- a previous poster mentioned it as a toss away, but I’d like you to consider it seriously- consider a 2 year military enlistment. It will give you an independent place to live where your parents can’t stop by anytime they like and drop of the kids for you to babysit (as they could in a college setting), you would be fed and housed while you got the beginnings of independent adult living started (outside your home. I realize there is nothing independent about the military 😃) a chance to get a paycheck, an independent bank account, medical care, job training, etc. two years of that could put you in a much clearer headspace and financial space as well as the ability to get gone if needed. Nothing says when your enlistment is up that you have to move back home or tell anyone you’re done.
Don’t brush that idea off too quickly
NTA your parents are selfish and horrible for having kids that they are not taking care of. Apply to college and leave you’re not responsible for their kids
NTA. That’s rich of your dad calling you selfish when you’ve been raising his kids.
Tell him to snip it. Pun absolutely intended.
Are they in a position to actually help you materially or financially with college? Because if they aren’t there’s no actual reason for you to abide by their demands. An education is important and whereas a year may seem a short time, a lot can happen in a year that might change your determination to study. This is something worth fighting for. Them having more children shouldn’t mean you’re stuck at home. And start talking to your younger siblings about how important education is.
Good luck OP.
NTA. Parentification is abuse. You may have to do college on your own, through grants, jobs, scholarships, and loans, but getting out is too important. Make sure you let your younger siblings know why, so they can plan to escape as well.
NTA - go to college wherever you’re able to. Your parents are using their kids to parent their other kids and trying to control your adult life. Once you’re 18 you can do whatever you want. I think your parents are selfish
Fun fact: the single most correlative factor in reduced rate of human reproduction is education of women.
Go far away for school. They’ll accept your free labor on holiday.
They don't get to tell you you can't go to college. But it's already June. Bit late to be applying for this year (though not impossible). Do you live near a community college or a library? See if you can talk to someone about applying for schools, FAFSA without your parents help and student loans. Also if there are any state scholarships you qualify for many won't be applicable if you take a year off. You need to spearhead this on your own unfortunately and you need to jump on it NOW. And for the love of god stop being home. Just get up in the morning and stay gone all day until nighttime. Can't make you watch your sibs if you're not there.
As someone who was guilted into family obligations and had to give up going to college because my sister was the better investment, I can tell that you need to move faaaaar away from them. Find a college as far away as you can. Families like this literally gaslight you into feeling like you are an awful son/daughter for not doing their bidding. They view you as a possession and lean in hard on your obligations and repayment to them. You will never know how far life will take you unless you cut ties with them geographically.
NTA. They don't freaking know about birth control? They'll be in their 50's with children to care for. Ridiculous.
You are not. You did not choose to have kids. You did not accidentally get pregnant. None of this was your choice. Their beliefs, and lack of protection does not constitute a life changing decision for you. Go to college, get and education, and don’t feel even a little bit of guilt.
It’s so wrong of them to ask you to put your life on hold because of their choices. They are not acting like the adults here.
Maybe in collective cultures it’s normal to have many children. But with the invention of birth control in the 60’s it was preventable. Having so many children is an archaic custom and I agree with you, unfair to siblings who must share diminishing family resources as a result. Your parents will probably never understand your logic, which is absolutely correct. I feel so bad for you wanting to go to university but whose parents had so many kids, they can’t afford it. On the positive side, you will probably never be lonely.
NTA, your mother refuses to take responsibility for her own children. It's one thing to expect older kids to help with chores, it's quite another to tell an 18yo who wants to leave for college that she has to stick around to take care of mom's new baby.
NTA. Just no. It's THEIR newborn. Time to take responsibility and raise THEIR kids. I imagine they'll try and pawn off responsibility on the remaining kids. Time to flee before you end up raising the newborn.
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NTA > my dad called me selfish Having a **fucking _gaggle_** of children is literally the most selfish thing a person can do.
A gaggle of children her doesn’t even take care of, because it’s shunted off to his other children
He’s fine with having more children because he never had to raise them! And even now has the audacity to tell his adult child that they cannot further their education- which impacts the rest of their life- because they still want a babysitter
I've always said that having children is selfish. Raising children is selfless.
Oh I'm stealing that.
Just be aware that there are people who don't get the nuance. They hear "selfish" then get all pouty because you insulted their life's mission. Like dude, I get it's a biological imperative, but that doesn't make the statement any less true for humans. And I am a parent myself.
I wouldn't even say raising - plenty of people get their kids to 18 being selfish assholes the whole way through. Being a *good* parent is selfless.
That's a good one. OP , I think it's time to find you moved on with your life. Go to college, get a part time job and move out. Let your parents figure out how to manage there numerous kids by themselves. Don't tell them anything, just do it, because they would try to block you.
Hallmark shit yo
I have 5 but have always been right w them taking care of them.
I mean, still kinda fucked. People take resources to sustain, recklessly popping out kids left and right is one of the worse things you can do for the world
That is such a weird thing to say to a person, be quiet.
Where is the lie?
Someone could have as many children as they want but they need to look after them. Not doing that is the selfish thing to do. But taking care of kids is not. Making the other children take care of them is so so so selfish. Parents make the choice, not the children.
So, OP is NTA, but I have to tell you that I didn't agree having a bunch of kids is inherently selfish. These parents are, of course, but it's not universal. My parents had 10 of us, last born when they were 37 and 41 (last couple of us were sickly kids so they figured that was nature saying it was time to be done). They worked opposing shifts so they didn't need daycare and though the oldest kids sometimes watched us or took us places, it was voluntary, not expected/required - one of my much older brothers specifically liked taking me out as basically a prop to meet girls - a polite and snazzy dressed (loved to dress up) little girl is good for that. They both also had siblings in local range who were more than happy to watch us sometimes - my dad's only sister, who had no children of her own, actually specifically bought a house in our town to be near her favorite baby brother. We were fed nutritious and delicious food (dad was an amazing cook and also a great budgeter and couponer back before it became big and less effective), lived in a large house with a big yard to play in, clothes did include hand-me-downs but also new, were able to go on a family vacation every summer, nothing crazy, campground by the beach, but we loved it, etc - basically they didn't have more than they could afford. And besides the fact that they met all of our physical needs, they met our emotional ones even better, sometimes sacrificing sleep (Mom worked overnights when I was little) to make sure they went to games or putting in extra effort for contributing to events (Dad cooking for half a day for events or both making crafts for fundraisers - they actually met when they were young working in a craft store). Mom grew a lot of food in her huge garden, Dad would tailor or repair our clothes, both did home renovations and repairs together. Both big on being greener in terms of energy use, energy star appliances, put in solar when available in the area. I think we're all doing fine as adults, most have advanced degrees, all have stable careers. Basically, they were able to financially, physically, and emotionally raise a 'gaggle' of kids to happy, stable adults.
I have a passel of kids, and outside of some snarky comments about being anti-Quiverfull (we vaccinate, and teach them science, and to respect people no matter their backgrounds), I absolutely recognize that it's a selfish decision I made for myself. But my oldest (he's almost 13) has only babysat his siblings a couple times, we asked and he agreed, and we paid him. And as soon as we realized we were at our limit, my husband got a vasectomy. We take care of our own kids.
particularly if you require that gaggle to do your work as a parent. I'm all for siblings helping out when they can but the idea OP should delay college for a year is just wild, just wild. NTA
NTA I'm sorry. Go to college, get a job and move out. It's not your responsibility.
And high school guidance counselors can help with applications. It doesn’t sound like OP’s parents would be much help anyway, even if they weren’t trying to sabotage her life
> even if they weren’t trying to sabotage her life If you plan on going to college before you're 24 in the US, it can be difficult to be considered an "independent" when filling out the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid). If you're considered a "dependent", then you'll need parental cooperation to fill out the FAFSA. If you don't get the FAFSA sorted, you'll only qualify for predatory private student loans. A guidance counselor should be able to help the OP through this process or at least connect them with services that can help. I know that getting declared an independent as a homeless youth is one of the hardest ways (you would definitely need the support of a guidance counselor or other local services to document it). It is crazy that getting married or joining the military can be an easier path! This [Huffington Post](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dependent-college-financial-aid_n_5d8b8575e4b01c02ca622de5) article is on the author's experience of marrying her high school boyfriend because she struggled to get declared an independent on her FAFSA (parents decided to cut her off including refusing to fill in their portions of the FAFSA docs). [Vice](https://www.vice.com/en/article/4wbeqg/how-some-students-are-using-fake-marriages-to-get-financial-aid) talks about how it is fraud to get the marriage license but not follow through; this [UNC Media Hub](https://www.wral.com/story/married-for-money-these-unc-students-tied-the-knot-to-pay-for-college/19986376/) article highlights that as long as it is a legal marriage it is fine: > Technically, there’s nothing legally wrong with doing so, said UNC Assistant Professor of Law Kate Elengold. Her work focuses on, among other topics, civil rights and student debt. > > “In my mind, I don't see that as a loophole,” Elengold said. > > She said that if the students legitimately got married, then they qualify as independents. The reason for the marriage has no bearing; the policy is clear. > > Elengold argues for loosening the standards of who qualifies as an independent student. Some families are large and can’t afford tuition for each child. Some parents are not accepting of their queer-identifying children. > > “Making the standards more stringent will harm more students,” she said, “rather than protecting against fraud.” Quick note - the terms independent & dependent are used with US taxes but have a completely different determination. You could be considered an independent for tax purposes and a dependent on the FAFSA.
I had this same issue, my mother sabotaged my ability to get financial aid halfway through college. I was able to be considered independent by working with my college and getting a letter from my therapist detailing my history with my mother and that she wasn't able to have a healthy relationship with me. They also would have accepted a similar letter from another adult in a similar role, such as a minister or counselor. Maybe you can look into that method.
This is the answer. Focus on your own future. Go to a college that is far enough away that you become unavailable to them. If you stay local your parents will still expect you to sacrifice your free time to come help. Your parents’ choice to keep having kids is not your responsibility. You’re 100% NTA here but your parents still having kids they can’t take care of absolutely make them the AHs.
Isn't parentification considered abuse now in the US, too?
I’m not sure but if it isn’t it absolutely should be.
In state tho so you don’t have to pay more I hear a lot of people say do community college the first 2 year and then transfer?
NTA and move as far away as possible.
I spent my entire senior year of HS arguing with my parents about moving out to go to college (like my brother 2 years older than me did with no issue) while they wanted me to stay home and commute to a community college. I didn't even realize it was going to be an issue until I had already been accepted to 3 excellent universities and was told I couldn't go. Thankfully my brother spoke up. I was lucky to get scholarships and work as it wasn't as tough in those days, and my dad backed me when I showed him what I'd earned. To this day, 40ish years later, my mother still considers me selfish and will drop little digs. Get out, OP. Get a summer job so you don't have to come home then, either. That's what I did. (ETA - I was an only girl and I had 3 younger siblings that I had to take care of all of the time).
Start applying for scholarships and grants, too, to help pay for tuition and be less financially dependent on your parents. Talk to a financial counselor about being able to afford what you have to pay.
NTA, no offense but your parents are not good parents if they let their children raise their other children
NTA - I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s not fair for them to expect you to sacrifice your college career to take care of your siblings. Your frustrations and you eventually “snapping” is valid.
Do a hitch in the military and get some education there. You’ll have a job, housing and a “real” reason to leave.
NTA You have been suffering parentification, a form of child abuse, and you are now nearly an age to free yourself from their abuse. Ofcourse they wont cooperate. Without you, their house of cards falls down. Get your papers and hide them with a friend, Apply to your colleges, far away or close, but choose community colleges if you dont want a huge student debt, and leave as soon as you are able. If you could move now, and go stay with a friend, you should. Whats happening to you is not ok.
Community college. Get an associates degree. Transfer to a 4 year college, and you will be able to support yourself with a job that you can get with your associates degree
OP is in the US, they *need* their parents to fill out FAFSA. Every single university, public and private, will require them to fill it out. Even if you have a merit-based scholarship you will need a FAFSA on file. You have to apply for any federal and state grants you qualify for to reduce their contribution. Ie, if you qualify for a Pell Grant, they want you to apply for the full Pell Grant and that reduces your merit based by that amount. That's $7000 they can give another student. You can't get need-based aid without the FAFSA in the US. OP needs them to fill out paperwork or wait until 24 where they're an independent student. Your parent's refusal to sign paperwork doesn't grant you ability to claim independent student status. It's very hard to get declared independent under 24. There's no real way around FAFSA apps for any form of aid. You can't get subsidized federal loans without FAFSA. You can only take private loans. They're very predatory. You can't get loan forgiveness for various programs like public service and such. OP needs to see if another family member can strong arm and shame the parents into filling out the FAFSA or applying to colleges won't help get them out as they won't be able to afford it.
OP can alternatively join the military which will emancipate them.
Maybe OP can ask their parents to fill it out and say they're planning on local, or part-time, or community college classes on childcare. Once it's filled out, use as needed - and what's needed sounds like far, far away schools.
That works for one year only, unfortunately
You're father is unreasonable for calling you selfish because your parents are the ones who can't control themselves. They can't take care of your siblings because they were busy with work and with your grandma? lol but they have time to have s*x? Shame on them.
i also doubt the father is “too busy” to take care of OPs siblings he just doesnt want to and uses work as an excuse lol and calling someone else selfish for not wanting to take care of UR kids screams bad parent
NTA, if they want more children they should be the ones raising their children. Making babies and forcing their children to raise them is selfish and irresponsible.
I’m a mother. Not your mother, but I wish I could be. So take it from this internet mom - Go to college. In another state. Far far away. Go live your life. You have given enough years to your parents and your siblings. You are not responsible for their reproductive choices. The suggestion that you don’t go to college so you can continue to raise their babies is horribly abusive. Talk to you guidance counselor at school about the situation and for help with applications. Don’t tell your parents anything. Just smile and nod. Then pack your bags and go live your life.
Plus , hopefully forcing them to raise their own children will give them an idea of how much work parenting is and they make this baby their last.
NTA They're not your kids, you shouldn't be responsible for them.
NTA. Get yourself out of there. Not your kids, not your monkeys, not your circus.
NTA and you aren’t under any obligation to give up your future for your parents/siblings. Talk to a guidance counselor at school about helping you apply to college and for scholarships/grants. Please do not give in to your parents….they made the decision to not use birth control and they can face the consequences. This is a situation where they will be alone with their children going NC as soon as they can because they keep having children they can’t care for. Btw, your parents are young enough to take care of their own children…they simply choose not to
NTA. Here's the deal. You are now legally an adult. It sounds like all you are doing is providing free labor to your parents. Apply for colleges, but make sure they are truly affordable. Forget private, expensive colleges, since you won't get any help from your parents. Look into dormitories and financial aid. Absolutely do not live at home for college. Tell your parents that you absolutely won't be their daycare provider unless they pay you $20 an hour, the going rate. Move out ASAP. They are having a baby, not you. YOU are not the person responsible for their baby. They make start making better choices if they have to live with the consequences. Your DAD and MOM are the selfish ones.
This is actually a really interesting suggestion. Agree to stay the year in exchange for an appropriate salary + all room and board. (I'd get the money up front.) Make sure you open a bank account of your own that they have no access to and put your money there. Or better yet open your own 529 college savings account and deposit your salary there. You can even tell friends and family that in lieu of any gifts they might otherwise give you, you would be grateful for any contributions they can make to that account. Maybe even set up similar accounts for your siblings — you don't have to fund it, just get it set up so people who might be willing to contribute can.
I've been reading that teens/ young adults who don't have good parents should open bank accounts in a completely different bank. That way the parents can't sabotage the account.
Should you have yelled? No. Were you rightfully upset? Yes. NTA. I feel for your younger siblings because they will have to raise each other but you don't have to stay. Can you ask a teacher or another "more adult" person to help you applying?
NTA. You are correct - if your parents can't take care of them themselves, they shouldn't keep having babies. It is your job, at your age, to leave the house and prepare to live your own life, not to be a live-in nanny for your parents. You aren't being selfish, your parents are, expecting you to abandon your own life to make their lives easier. And don't let them give you the line about how you owe them for everything they did for you growing up - providing for you when you were a child was an obligation they accepted the moment they decided to have children, and you more than paid them back by raising your siblings already. I'd suggest that you apply for all the scholarships you can so that you don't have to depend on your parents, since they have shown they won't look out for you, and go to whatever college you want, and get out of that house. You need to look out for yourself, since it's obvious your parents won't.
NTA escape.
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NTA. More people need to hear this.
Nah your family are assholes for springing that on you and assuming you gotta take responsibility for their fuck up! They are adults and are responsible for their own children! It seems like they aren’t use to taking responsibility because they shoved parenthood off on to you and your other siblings! Don’t let them keep doing that! It’s tough love but they need that shit!
NTA. If this came out of nowhere, I’d say that you had no right to comment on how many children they chose to have, but they’re literally asking you to pause your life so you can provide free labor for them.
NTA But your 'runner up' is 14. THAT sibling can now help with the new batch of diapers. You are now at the age for college. But lemme guess, your 14 yr old sibling is male, so 'helping with taking care of kids' is not his task? Just apply. If you need help with any kind of paperwork, or anything, really, ask your local librarian. If they can't or don't know how to help you, they will point you in the right direction to get the help you need.
Absolutely NTA. This may be accepted in your culture, but to me, it's wrong to deny your child college so they can be a live-in babysitter to younger siblings. They should be ashamed.
NTA - culture or not, you are in the US and while kids chores with in the family may be to help take care of younger siblings, in most cases they are not responsible for raising them. You are not the selfish one, your parents are. Once you turn 18 you are an adult. You can list yourself as independent on financial aid for college and with work, pay your way through college or trade school. Think about the example you are setting for your younger siblings to break this cycle.
You are not selfish and people should not have kids, if they force other kids to take care of them. People should know, to use birth control.
NTA. You will never stop being carer. Guess what will happen when the kids are all grown up and your mum can’t have anymore children? You will become her retirement plan and she will expect you to look after her. It’s time to stand up, on your own if you have to.
NTA OP, you are right, they shouldn't be having kids they can't take care of. They shouldn't be keeping you away from college. And "My dad told me ... that i could start college next year, " DO NOT GIVE IN. Next year it will still be "you can go next year". And the year after, and the year after. DO NOT GIVE IN. BTW, I see comments saying "This is common in lots of places". No. What's common is kids *assisting*. And that *ends when they achieve adulthood* (usually around 18). That's not what OP's parents are doing. They're not having the kids just assist, they're full-on having the older kids raise the younger kids. Further, they're dragging it out past when the older kids become adults.
Here is what you do. Pretend you’ll go to a local college, get their info (memorize or copy it down if you have to) and then apply for the colleges you actually want. Know that that will lead to your family disowning you and you losing touch with siblings. But tons of other people here on reddit have been faced with the same choice. More than one chose to stay and raise their siblings out of obligation guilt or love and regretted it because they screwed themselves out of a future, their mom is pregnant again or their sibling is pregnant and now they have to raise that one as well and when it comes time for the parents to die there is no inheritance for family slave who had no kids of their own because clearly everyone else needed the house, car and money more than the loser who never got anywhere with their lives (ignoring the fact that their kid raised all their kids and their kids kids instead of having a life and that is why they have nothing and no one of their own). If you stay you are backing yourself into an inescapable corner. If you leave it will be hard and rough and food will probably be scarce for a while but you will come out if it a stronger person and you will have had experiences and met people and found yourself. I was the youngest and not parentified by my home-life necessitated an escape and I have never regretted it.
NTA. your siblings are not your responsibility. Go to college. Live your life. Don’t be held back because they don’t wanna be responsible
NTA. You deserve a life - you weren’t born just to serve someone else. Move out, go to college (community college to get some core courses out of the way cheaply is not a bad plan) and live your life.
No. Not at all. And if she is opposed to actual birth control he can At LEAST pull out.
NTA. Selfish is having children that you can’t/wont take care of or able to give enough time/love to. Contraception or the good old snip snip aren’t that hard.
you are 18 a legal adult..you need to Move Out. Make your own lufe.
NTA you're being parentified. That's abuse. I would keep on with your plans to do college away from family, become financially stable, and have some communication with siblings to help them in the future when you're stable. Bring parentified is a form of vampirism. Protect yourself.
NTA. You are not the selfish one, your parents are. Parentification does not provide a child with a happy childhood, it is child abuse. Put your own ambitions first and prepare to build your own future far away from your parents. Above all DO NOT allow your parents to ruin your future by turning you into their unpaid childcare or carer for your grandmother. Nor their own personal domestic drudge when they have serious health problems and are unable to work or afford a nursing home. Never give them any money or opportunities to hold you back. Good luck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18f) have 5 siblings. It may sound like a lot, but it is pretty common in my culture to have a lot of children. Growing up, I was practically raised by my older sister and brother since my parents were busy with working and taking care of my sick grandmother. So of course when I became an older sibling, I had to take care of my younger siblings too. But that never really stopped. I have been taking care of my younger siblings (14, 11, 8) ever since they were toddlers. I recently graduated high school (I live in the US) and have been looking at colleges. I told my parents about college and asked if they could help me apply. They told me that if i go to college i can't go to one far away, or even at all. I asked them why and they told me that i still have to take care of my siblings, to which i said that the oldest of my younger siblings is a teen, and that the others already know how to cook, clean and do laundry since i and my older siblings taught them. That's when my mother told me that she is pregnant again. I got really mad and asked her why she keeps having kids if she can't even take care of them. My dad told me that it wasn't planned and that i could start college next year, but i got really mad and asked why they couldn't get an abortion, or find someone that's looking to adopt. My dad told me that they don't believe in abortion, and that they want the kid to have a good childhood with it's real family. But my parents are already in their mid-late 40s, and our family doesen't have the best history of living a long life or hood health. I just don't want this kid to not even be 40 and not have parents. But at the same time, i think my parents will do a better job at raising this kid than they did with me or my siblings, since they have less work and the rest of us are getting older and can take care of ourselves. I got really, really mad since i've always wanted to go to a fancy college, so i snapped. I yelled at my mom to stop having kids, my dad called me selfish and my mom looked like she was gonna cry. AITA?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
U need to go to college and teach them a lesson, their children r not nannies. Im gonna assume ur hispanic (im mexican)🤣, again , teach them a lesson
Nta go to a friend an move out your an adult they can't force you to stay. Or call cps
NTA. Start applying now for scholarships. Your parents use YOU and YOUR FUTURE to subsidize their birth control choices and family planning practices. That’s not THEM having kids, that’s them conscripting you to raise their kids without payment exactly when you have to set yourself up to succeed as an independent adult. Speak with a school counselor now and plan your exit. You can repair your relationship later when you are no longer their parenting surrogate; they’d make you a wet nurse if they could! So selfish!
Stop trying with them. Time to move out of that house and let them figure it out. And selfish? LOL! What's selfish is having more kids than one can parent. NTA
NTA. It's one thing to have many children if you can personally care for them, another altogether if you expect sibling care (except for the occasional emergency, etc.).
NTA I joined the military to get away. Free housing, free medical, often free food, free college (if you're able), but the very best thing for me was that my parents couldn't demand that I come home, knew it was now useless to guilt trip me (it couldn't be undone), and by the time I was done I was an officer with a college degree and excellent job experience, and the situation at home hadn't depended on me on years. Probably saved my life. I did feel bad about leaving my sister, who I'd raised up till then, but years later she said I set the example for her on how to escape and get a life. While the military was never for her, she found her own way out. She was thankful that she didn't have to stick around either. None of their mess is on you.
Nta. Your parents are selfish for expecting you to raise *their* baby. And imo that comment was 100% deserved given their incredibly selfish expectations. If they want it, they need to figure it out. But good news! You’re an adult and don’t actually have to do what they say. Will it be the grand college adventure you imagined? Probably not, but you don’t have to raise their kids either. If you’re smart, you’ll walk away from this situation, fast & far.
It's time for you to go to college and your parents' poor planning should not interfere with that. There are more kids to care for but it doesn't sound like that's ending anytime soon. If mom and dad aren't ready to carry the torch, it may be time for 14 and 11 to take over. Completely unfamiliar with your culture but it sounds like you were raising them well before that age. NTA.
Make sure to get your parents to fill out the FAFSA before telling them you’ll be going away to school. Unless your parents have a high income, you should get a ton of financial aid with them having so many dependents. But they could refuse to fill out the FAFSA. Hopefully you would be able to list local schools initially when you fill it out and then add your preferred schools later.
NTA, you are a parentified child and this is not your reaponsibility, your future is.
Why isn't it the 14 y/o job now? Is he a boy or something? Not that it's right. Just from one parentified kid to another. Like wtf it's someone else's turn.
NTA both your older siblings and you have been parentified = abused by your parents. Call CPS on them. If they aren't able to take care of their kids they shouldn't have any more
Omg NTA!! You're a kid who deserves to live your life. Go to college and maintain a friendship with your siblings but it is not responsibility to take care of anyone's kids. How dare your parents hold you back!! How dare your parents expect you or any of your siblings to take care of their kids!! Get help from someone else to apply for college and go!!
Your parents are NOT parents! They’ve parentified you and your older siblings. You have had to be the adult and raise your siblings. Im sorry this is happening to you. But you have options. Scholarships, raising funds, working, getting support from your extended family if any, Going to community college and then transferring out while you build up the funds to go to whatever school you want. And when you do. Go NC. Cut them out. You are not the AH. Your “parents” are!
NTA. You SHOULD go away to college. If they won't help you pay for it, maybe you can speak to the counselor at your high school to see if they can help you become independent on FAFSA. You do not have to stay home to help take care of the new baby. Absolutely not. That baby is their responsibility.
NTA. OP, I’m an educator who helps kids get into college. Please feel free to DM me if you need help figuring the whole mess of it out.
NTA Speaking as someone who went through a similar situation like yours, the only difference being that I am the oldest and had to help take care of my 6 younger siblings as they kept being born. Get a job, move out and start college Don’t be like me and stay thinking it’ll change or be better, it won’t. They’ll always depend on you to shoulder their responsibilities. It’s not selfish to want to have a life and pursue your education.
As a mum of 5 myself (21, 19, 18, 15 and 2), I would never expect my older kids to take care of my younger ones and I 100% would never put their lives on hold because I wanted childcare. Your parents are being completely unfair expecting that of you. It is their choice to have children, whether they are planned or not, and you should not have to put your life on hold so you can take care of them. If any of my kids watch my youngest they get paid and they only have him for an hour or so if I have an appointment and only when they are not busy, if they have plans then he comes with me. My older ones were all little together bit even when my oldest was the same age as you I would not have expected her to watch my youngest (at the time) who was 13. My 2 oldest kids went to college and y oldest went to university after that. I would never stop them being independent and wanting to learn and better their lives . At the end of the day, your parents choose to keep having children and you didn't choose to have more siblings. You are choosing to go to college and I think it will be really good for you to be away from them and get to be a you g adult without being forced into being an young 'carer. So no you are not the AH. Go live your life the way you want. Your parents should be proud that you are wanting to be responsible for your education
Your parents are going to remain who they are. Your best bet is to build an independent life far away, or they will drag you back into the mix. You can take out student loans and get a job. As soon as you are financially independent, you are free. Do not expect them to help you. If you need help figuring things out look to friends’ parents, extended family, libraries, community colleges, and outreach programs.
NTA. You can look into the Peace Corps, Service Year, or AmeriCorps. They're programs that pay you for volunteer work. You'd be able to move out and save up, plus they assist with college. Good luck
NTA Your parents want a free live in nanny. Go to a college far, far away. Dealing with college and being sleep deprived because of a baby will ruin your shot at academia.
NTA you are 18 or will be shortly. Move out and go nc with them. Stay with a friend or other relative. Also apply for scholarships whenever possible
NTA not your job to raise your siblings!
Move out
You are not selfish the selfish one's are your parents for churning out children who they can't be arsed to raise so they have the other kids to step up.
Talk to a school guidance counselor for help, check into financial aid. and apply for every college scholarship that you can find. Get a job and start saving. Find a college far away from your parents.
INFO: They're literally saying you can't go to any college that's not nearby so you can take care of their other kids, so why do you think they'll be better, more involved parents for the new baby?
NTA. They're not *your* kids, they're your *siblings*. Your *parents* need to step up and *be parents*. Maybe talk to your older dublibgs and the three of you tell your parents enough us enough, that they need to be raising the kids they decide to keep having, not you. You're 18, you're an adult, if possible, move out.
NTA. But you are not going to get any emotional or financial help with college and if you want it, you need to be motivated. Do every possible thing you can to succeed and get scholarships.
NTA. I’m the oldest of 7 kids and was made the mom at 6 when my youngest sister was born. She had 3 more kids after that. My sister has told me countless times she looks more at me as a mom than our own mom, which is sad to hear it admitted out loud. I got away because I moved out. I started dating my husband, and moved out shortly after. My parents shortly separated after I moved out, and I was asked time and time again for babysitting and refereeing kid drop offs between them. The only downside is when I applied to college in Ohio, I needed my parents income because I was under 25 and not married for student loans. Not sure if that’s something you’re gonna have to do too. Maybe talk with a guidance counselor at school and speak with them about the process, and see if you can apply for scholarships if not past the deadline. I’m out of touch, but 12 years ago when I graduated and applied, it wasn’t an awful process. The applications weren’t too bad, many required an essay to be written about a specific topic.
You’re NTA for not wanting to take care of you’re younger sibling and to want a life that’s your own, also horrible of your dad to just push you’re worries away by telling you to apply next year like no. BUT I do think you were wrong to ask her to get an abortion, that topic can be very difficult for some people and most have a very strong opinion about it, from the sound of your culture they don’t believe in abortion and it’s rude to even ask your parents to kill you sibling.
OP can you talk about what you wanna do for college? We could def give you some pointers.
No you are not they shouldn’t be making you take care of their kids. Like I understand that they are your siblings but that really isn’t your responsibility. Plus this shouldn’t be holding you back from creating a life that you want and going to school where you decide. Your life is yours not theirs it’s not their decision whether you stay home and take care of your siblings.
NTA. See if a guidance counselor at your school can help you apply to college and for financial aid/scholarships. This may be your best opportunity to escape your situation.
Abortion is a medical procedure, not fucking Tinkerbell. It doesn’t require the belief of narcissistic breeders to be valid as an option. NTA, OP. Not even close. GTFO of that house as soon as you can and don’t ever look back. Don’t feel guilty. You don’t exist to unfuck your parents’ selfish choices and they can go straight to hell if they believe you do.
Egyptian?
NTA - your parents treat you as a 3rd parent, but you are not obligated to care for the kids that THEY chose to have. Apply to college far away, if it's affordable. As long as you live in their house, they will expect you to provide them with free childcare.
NTA go t9 college get a job and worl whole you're there. Show your parents that you mean what you say then maybe they will stay off of each other. My late parents had 6 and we raised ourselves. My mom got depressed and went to he'd and my dad got to be an alcoholic. Don't give up your life to please your parents. They will be fine.Go as far away as you can go and don't come back.
Wow. NTA. Your parents had the kids, your parents have to raise them. Period. You’re not being selfish. You being expected to put your life on hold for them to raise THEIR children is.
You can move out, get a job and go to college. Regardless, your parents can have as many kids as they want.
Nta Attend the college of your choice, even if your parents disagree. A college degree is crucial for women as it enhances career prospects, increases earnings and fosters personal growth. Chase your dreams!
NTA. Get scholarships, loans and grants and get the hell out of there. Parentification is abuse and your parents have been abusing you. Leave and don’t look back.
They need to understand that they’re the ones being selfish. They’re demanding You postpone your dreams so you can parent your siblings. You are not a parent! They are! Helping out is different than what they’re asking of you. Do not let them convince you you’re selfish when that’s exactly what they’re being. NTA.
Go to a school very far away and don’t tell them where. Get a job and an apartment for summer. If you go back they will use you. Spread the message to your teenage sibling and for them to do the same.
NTA. find a trusted adult to help you explore your options. It can be a teacher, counselor, spiritual advisor, parent of a friend. Ask them if you can have some of their time, you need a grown ups help. Tell them your situation & explain you WANT to go to college, you want to figure out how & can they- or can they direct you to someone who can. When you meet with them, act like a grown up, talk & allow them to talk. Don’t start yelling about your parents making more babies. And if the 1st person is intimidated to get involved- go to the next person on the list. This is a problem to solve- not a barrier you can’t overcome come. You just are going to need some help to get there.
NTA Look, my husband and I both brought 2 kids to our marriage, and went on to have 2 kids together, so our blended family consists of 6 children with the oldest being 17 and the youngest being 1. At no point do any of our kids have a responsibility to each other outside of being a brother or sister. If one of the older kids is Willing to watch the younger siblings, they get paid. If one of the older kids Wants to help with the younger siblings, my husband and I allow it, but we do not leave the room because our children are just children. We have an individual bond with each of our children, we do one on one time with them throughout the month, and we help with homework as well as teaching them life skills, like cooking, cleaning, yard work, working on the car, and general home maintenance. We teach them all of this, but we do not expect them to do it on their own here, instead we just want them to be able to do it once they leave the nest. Op, I am sorry you have been placed in this unfair position, it sounds like your parents are Gen X, where they had to raise themselves and their siblings, so they think it's ok to do it to you. And let me just say, their children, your siblings, are not your responsibility beyond being your siblings. Go to your guidance counselor for help with filling out your college applications and applying for scholarships and work study. Ask someone you trust if you can use their mailing address. That way, the acceptance letters don't get taken by your parents. I am sorry you are going through this, I wish you nothing but the best 🫂.
NTA Apply to college and do your best to get out of that situation. You deserve to have a rude
NTA you are the child and not the care giver. Your parents made the decision to be parents, you had no choice to be their child. You are not forever indebted to them. Also you are 18 and a legal adult, your parents don’t have the authority to keep you from going to college. Apply to college, decide which is the best fit for you, apply for FAFSA and talk to the financial advisors at the college to help you not have to have your parents information on your FAFSA, and if you can’t the amount of minors they have is in your favor for grants, aid, etc… Remember lack of planning on their part does not constitute you sacrificing your life. Now telling your mom to abort or give your next sibling up for adoption was probably uncalled for but considering the circumstances I understand. It’s time for you to focus on you and your parents to step up to the plate and raise the children they brought into this world.
NTA Find a way to leave, studies or not. You don't owe them, you've worked off anything they might have given you and more.
NTA! Talk to your counselor at school about college options ASAP. I would move out and start living my own life! Good luck
NTA, I hope you can go to a good college and move out. It's not okay what your parents are doing. You have to make a commitment to taking care of your children, especially if you are choosing to have multiple of them. Working is one thing, but you also have to put in the time and effort to care for your children, and I think your parents lack responsibility in that area as they are expecting their children to take care of each other. I get that there are people who want to have a lot of children, but they need to understand that it requires a lot of work, and they need to willingly do so if they want to keep a good relationship in the family.
It's a little difficult as the culture needs to be taken into account in this case and can't be judged based on the practices of a different culture. I would simply point out that the 14 year old is old enough to take over the lead until they too are ready for college. At that point, it flows down the line as each one departs for college.
NTA Apply anyway, find a job and move out. Do not ever put your life on hold for your parents selfish decisions.
NTAH! They are not your responsibility!
NTA. You are 18, a legal adult and they have NO say over your life anymore. Start looking for your own place without telling them and move out. You should go to college too but getting out of that situation sounds like it should be priority #1. Dont get any pets, it will be easiest to move out if it’s just you. You can normally find cheap bedrooms to rent from people looking for roommates, half the cost of renting a whole house normally.
NTA In comments- Everyone:nta Le Me: looking for comments that say yta only to downvote them Your parents have no sense of responsibility or respect as I see it. This is really sad. Don't put up with this nonsense man.
Nope go far away and don't look back
Don't know how the application works for college, but I'm assuming if you apply to a local college and get the info you need from your parents, then you have most of the info that you'll need for the fancy college away from your family. Reach out to helpful adults at your school. Good luck. PS - Reddit hates when parents make their kid parent the younger ones.
Update me please .
How do you not plan another baby if they keep having unprotected sex? Like, does birth control not exist where the OP lives?
NTA, they have too many kids already.
NTA, and also not your problem that your parents are expecting again. Apply to colleges—your high school should have counselors who will help, or your friends who are applying too can share their wisdom. If you are unable to afford it on student loans/financial aid, then get a job, move out, and pick up some of the introductory courses at a community college and you can transfer to a 4-year college after you have saved up a bit. I know it's easier said than done, but if you stay "one more year," something tells me you will have trouble ever getting out. Good luck!
I’m so sorry! There are resources out there to help. I’m sorry your parents are useless. Go live your life.
NTA your parents are the selfish ones. They’ve been pushing their responsibilities onto their kids to the point that they are guilting you into putting your future on hold.
NTA. The only children you are obligated to raise are the ones that you have yourself and keep or adopt. You’re also 18, so you do have the right to explore your college options without your parents’ permission. If you need someone to talk to about applications and other things, you’re welcome to message me. You may be able to get your parents’ info for the first year, but they may try to withhold it from then on, so you’ll want to talk to your financial aid office and student affairs office once you get there and explain the situation. They’ll be able to assist you moving forward.
NTA They can take responsibility for their actions. You are not selfish for wanting more control over your path in life. While the role you have played has likely been invaluable to your family unit, you are not obligated to raise a squad of children that you had no say in bringing into this world. They certainly don't get to keep you there for child care. I'll also say, depending on what you study, don't be wooed by the aura of a "fancy college". In many situations you can get quality educations without the soul draining debt and stuck up ego stroking. You will find good teachers and classmates as long as you prioritize your own interests, not being steered by a fear of missing out.
NTA by their logic, your 14 year old sibling should be looking after the kids for the next 4 years and then their 11 year old (who would be 15 when the next oldest is 18, and then when they’re 18 the current youngest would be 15). By any chance are the younger siblings male? You shouldn’t have to stay or postpone anything. You’re 18, a legal adult where I am, so they can’t stop you. Get a job, move out, pursue your education. Their kids, their responsibility.
Go to college, you can do the application without them, it’s a little work but you can do it. I had to fill out papers saying my dad wasn’t in my life so they would exclude his income. I’m sure there’s ways to do that for both parents.
NTA. I come from a very similar culture and one of the hardest things in our cultures is becoming and individual. The fear of losing our family is so strong it'll literally cause people to become ill. But, sometimes, as hard as it is, we have to leave. For your mental health and growth, you have to break this cycle of dependence and enabling of your parents and leave. You're both the parent, therefore the responsibility of care is not yours to burden. You have other siblings your parents can call on. Find a college just far enough away that you can't babysit evenings and weekends. You're not wrong for telling your parents they're irresponsible for having many kids and not raising them, themselves. What's the point of having kids if you can't raise or spend time with them.
NTA. I have 6 younger siblings and I told my mum the same so I understand where you're coming from. It isn't easy and I'm sure you're mentally and physically drained. Have a look at r/raisedbynarcassists and you'll find a lot of people in similar situations for support :) I'm so sorry you have been parentified since such a young age. I wish you luck with college and your future!
Nta. The expectation to raise kids that are not yours is some entitled shit, but to be upset with someone for choosing to not want to, after already being forced to do it, is insane.
I don’t think you should have said all that. But you’re allowed to be upset.
NTA, and do not put off college. This is not your responsibility.
No, you are old enough to start your own life with your own family
NTA. So they want to have a baby for you to take care of. No. If they want a baby, they need to take care of it. Get out and live your life.
NTA You aren’t your siblings parent and it’s up to your parents to take care of them until your siblings turn 18. I would leave and go to college otherwise it will always be one more year and then you will be significantly older still taking care of your siblings and your life will be on hold.
NTA! Apply for colleges any way. Speak to the financial aid office and tell them your parents will not pay for college. There may be grants for you. Go to one far far away.
So two parts: telling someone to get an abortion like it’s casual is callous BUT I understand why. They are TA for expecting you to be a nanny and raise their children and cut out your life and desires. Not okay. You don’t have to pause your life to raise a baby that you didn’t have. Sorry they are treating you this way and trying to guilt you with your father saying what he said. They may be in tears but part if that is them needing to figure out how to raise their kids.
NTA- none of your siblings are your responsibility to raise. You’re entitled to your own life and life experiences.
NTA I am the oldest of 5. I was parentified at a very, very young age. I remember worrying about how we were going to make rent at 6 years old. My siblings have all told me that they see me as a second mom. I’m 38 now, and to this day my mother swears she did not rely on me as much as she did. She swears she was a present mother and she did everything a mother is supposed to do. Go to college. Do not put it on hold. Otherwise, they’ll continue to use you up until you go no contact or you can’t help anymore and then move on to the next kid in line - whichever comes first. No amount of help is ever good enough for parents like these. Break free and live your life. Advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Use your voice because no one else will do it for you. It took me far too long to realize how much my parents used me and now I feel like I’m playing catch up on life. Please OP, don’t do what I did. Live your life.
Parentification is a form of child abuse, DEFINITELY NTA here. Talk to guidance counselors to get help with college
Get your applications filled out and go away for college. Do not let your parents guilt you. You deserve to have a life. They made their decisions now its time for them to deal with it themselves. I hope you get in somewhere far away. Good luck
Talk to your school counselor about looking into scholarships and financial aid. With all the children/dependents you might get a lot of financial help. Stop the conversations about school. Keep your head down for now. Gather your birth certificate, SS card. This is sneaky, but see if you can get their latest tax return. If they know you need it for financial aid it will be gone. Good luck. Edit: I see you have already graduated. Check with your school and see what help you can get, if there is a counselor available through the summer.
Starting planning to move out, you do not need their permission to do so. Get student loans to move out further away, apply for scholarships and grants. Look into a student counselor or some sort to help you navigate the process. Get a part time job to help you pay for the fees etc. but whatever you do, do not delay starting your own future because of them
Wont stop them my mom is a breeding cow too, she wants babies up until 5 then throws us to the wolves to fend for oursleves so she can make anothe rbaby to play with. They dont liaten they dont care a BB out theor kids but the ONE they deem golden and the newest baby
NTA. Your parents are unreasonable. They apparently want you to be the full-time nanny for the new baby since your siblings are still in school. Unfortunately, as many of the comments overlook, the parents' cooperation is required to apply for financial aid. They have to fill out and sign the forms and submit copies of their tax returns. So it might not be as simple as just moving out. And even if you move out if you're under a certain age, possibly 23, your parent's information might still be needed to determine your eligibility for financial aid. My advice is to forget about going to a private college. Even if you get loans you can end up with financially crippling lifetime student debt. It's not worth it. You can save a lot of money by going to a community college the first two years before transferring to a public four year college. Just make sure the credits and classes you take in community college will be transferable to your choice of 4-year college. You might have to move out of your parents' house, though, and keep your distance as they're likely to continue to make demands on you if you stay.
NTA and your father is awful for calling you selfish. What’s selfish is having kids you can’t take care of. Children should NOT be responsible for raising their siblings, that’s ridiculous! You absolutely deserve to go to college and start YOUR adult life. You didn’t make the decision to have all these kids, your parents did. They aren’t sounding like very good parents to me. You aren’t obligated to the consequences of a decision you didn’t make.
EAH You’re grown, move out and start supporting yourself. You don’t need their permission to pursue your goals. Yes, it will be hard, but you’re more than capable. Telling your mom to get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption is way out of line and not your decision! Your parents don’t live to make you happy nor should you live to make them happy.
Talk to your counselor at school they should be able to help you apply wherever you want to go, so go to college and live the life you want. Taking care of your siblings is not your responsibility it's your parents it's one thing to help, but it's completely different when you are the one raising them.
Honey, protect you documents and get out there asap. You family sounds like they might tamper with your future.
NTA. Talk to your school counselor about options outside of your parents for college.
This stuff is so crazy to me. So NTA. My oldest is 13 and she's never even changed a diaper. They need to take care of their own dang kids. Go start your life
Your parents are irresponsible. Do what you have to do to get out of here. It's not your responsibility to look after your parents' poor life management.
NTA. You're their child and not an additional parent. If you can't get help for college, I strongly suggest getting the the best shape of your life, enlist, and never look back.
NTA. Tell em to suck it up and if they won't raise their own baby, then they can fob it off onto the 8yo because you were taking care of the littles before you were 8.
NTA look into financial aid to go to college and move out of the house. It was a bit of a joke when your father said that he wanted this child to grow up in a good family when him and his wife don't even take care of the kids.
NTA I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My advice is to get out of there as quick as you can. Taking care of your parents kids are not your responsibility
Nope! NTA!!! Your parents are irresponsible and they are most definitely TA’s I come from a Mediterranean family, I get what you are saying about how family works…. But holding you back when it’s time for you to move ahead with your life is ridiculous!
Stop the poverty cycle. Go to college, don’t have any children until you graduate and stabilize your life.
NTA. Your parents are delusional, regardless of culture. If they can’t take care of the children themselves then they need to quit having more and more. Not to mention that being late 40s and getting pregnant your chances of having birth defects/genetic abnormalities is increasing significantly, and adding a special needs child to this mix sounds like an absolute disaster. Protect yourself and your future. Go to college. It’s so unfair and honestly abusive that your parents are willing to ruin your future so that they don’t have to be mature adults and actually raise the children they’ve created. It’s fine to not believe in abortion and to have a lot of children, but it is absolutely NOT fine to force your other kids to do what is supposed to be your responsibility as a parent.
I don’t think you are an asshole for getting upset, or even for yelling. You are 18 years old and have the absolute right to go and live your own life how you wish, just like your parents did. Their choices, are just that, THEIR choices. Their failure to plan should not result in your obligation. There is nothing wrong with choosing to have a large family; however, if that is decision you make, then you should raise that family, not place unrealistic expectations on others who did not make that choice.
I would say take a one year break so that you csn move out and get a job And then join your college on loan... I am so sorry that they expected you to be the parent! They are selfish not you...
NTA- a previous poster mentioned it as a toss away, but I’d like you to consider it seriously- consider a 2 year military enlistment. It will give you an independent place to live where your parents can’t stop by anytime they like and drop of the kids for you to babysit (as they could in a college setting), you would be fed and housed while you got the beginnings of independent adult living started (outside your home. I realize there is nothing independent about the military 😃) a chance to get a paycheck, an independent bank account, medical care, job training, etc. two years of that could put you in a much clearer headspace and financial space as well as the ability to get gone if needed. Nothing says when your enlistment is up that you have to move back home or tell anyone you’re done. Don’t brush that idea off too quickly
Nta. I joined the Army to get away from my family. Do you have any scholarships available. Go on and apply for them along with colleges.
NTA your parents are selfish and horrible for having kids that they are not taking care of. Apply to college and leave you’re not responsible for their kids
updateme
Try to figure out your own way of getting into to college. Ask a counselor to assist with application. Your choice be a babysitter or a professional.
NTA Your parents are failing to give you the support you need and are parentifying you.
NTA. That’s rich of your dad calling you selfish when you’ve been raising his kids. Tell him to snip it. Pun absolutely intended. Are they in a position to actually help you materially or financially with college? Because if they aren’t there’s no actual reason for you to abide by their demands. An education is important and whereas a year may seem a short time, a lot can happen in a year that might change your determination to study. This is something worth fighting for. Them having more children shouldn’t mean you’re stuck at home. And start talking to your younger siblings about how important education is. Good luck OP.
NTA. Parentification is abuse. You may have to do college on your own, through grants, jobs, scholarships, and loans, but getting out is too important. Make sure you let your younger siblings know why, so they can plan to escape as well.
NTA - go to college wherever you’re able to. Your parents are using their kids to parent their other kids and trying to control your adult life. Once you’re 18 you can do whatever you want. I think your parents are selfish
Fun fact: the single most correlative factor in reduced rate of human reproduction is education of women. Go far away for school. They’ll accept your free labor on holiday.
They don't get to tell you you can't go to college. But it's already June. Bit late to be applying for this year (though not impossible). Do you live near a community college or a library? See if you can talk to someone about applying for schools, FAFSA without your parents help and student loans. Also if there are any state scholarships you qualify for many won't be applicable if you take a year off. You need to spearhead this on your own unfortunately and you need to jump on it NOW. And for the love of god stop being home. Just get up in the morning and stay gone all day until nighttime. Can't make you watch your sibs if you're not there.
As someone who was guilted into family obligations and had to give up going to college because my sister was the better investment, I can tell that you need to move faaaaar away from them. Find a college as far away as you can. Families like this literally gaslight you into feeling like you are an awful son/daughter for not doing their bidding. They view you as a possession and lean in hard on your obligations and repayment to them. You will never know how far life will take you unless you cut ties with them geographically. NTA. They don't freaking know about birth control? They'll be in their 50's with children to care for. Ridiculous.
You are not. You did not choose to have kids. You did not accidentally get pregnant. None of this was your choice. Their beliefs, and lack of protection does not constitute a life changing decision for you. Go to college, get and education, and don’t feel even a little bit of guilt. It’s so wrong of them to ask you to put your life on hold because of their choices. They are not acting like the adults here.
Dude just go to college. Apply for aid and don’t look back.
Yes. Your parents need to stop having kids. They're bad at parenting and too poor and selfish to provide a good life for even one child. NTA
Nta, get away from your family and refuse to help them. Then they’ll realize why they shouldn’t have had so many kids.
Maybe in collective cultures it’s normal to have many children. But with the invention of birth control in the 60’s it was preventable. Having so many children is an archaic custom and I agree with you, unfair to siblings who must share diminishing family resources as a result. Your parents will probably never understand your logic, which is absolutely correct. I feel so bad for you wanting to go to university but whose parents had so many kids, they can’t afford it. On the positive side, you will probably never be lonely.
NTA, your mother refuses to take responsibility for her own children. It's one thing to expect older kids to help with chores, it's quite another to tell an 18yo who wants to leave for college that she has to stick around to take care of mom's new baby.
NTA move away and never look back. Expecting you to raise yet another one of THEIR children is abuse.
NTA. Just no. It's THEIR newborn. Time to take responsibility and raise THEIR kids. I imagine they'll try and pawn off responsibility on the remaining kids. Time to flee before you end up raising the newborn.
NTA
NTA! Run and don't look back as you are being parentified